#it made me very sad and mad
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“There’s something burning in the empty room inside of my head”
#malevolent#malevolent fanart#john doe malevolent#john malevolent#Arthur Lester#arthur lester malevolent#malevolent podcast#malevolent sillies#my posts of madness#I am very happy with this :))#I love them and I love the crane wives so I’m just going to keep doing this lol#I wanted my own malevolent art for my wall and so I paint#also the new episode was perfect and also made me so sad#so I had to cope with making art of them#as one does
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finished project nexus
#madness combat#madness combat fanart#deimos madness combat#deimos#madness project nexus#the end actually made me very sad i fear
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How tf am I gonna be a neurosurgeon one day if it destroys me every time I see a senior patient with a neurodegenerative disease sad
#17 YEARS OF EDUCATION and so very lovable#But I got destroyed bc we gave her a questionnaire on her mental state and she was like. Knowing I have this and will die bc of it one day#Makes me sad#and I was like OH MY GOD I wanna kms right here#Also I made friends w one of the psychometrists. Shes 25 and sooo pretty#She said the neurologist I shadow made every psychometrist here cry at one point 💀#The future looks dark I’m terrified of her getting mad at me#She’s been so lax so far????#Whatever..#I’m ready to be home for the day but I have some more shit to wrap up first UGHH
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#can i yap for a moment#im extremely sleepy but im feeling very upset and mad and confused#also lowkey questioning whether me feeling all that is justified or if i am overreacting#anyway#made out w a boy tonight#and he wanted to go to his place#and i was like no i wanna stay and dance with my girlies#and he gets upset??#asking why i'd kiss him if i don't wanna hook up and i said i just wanna have fun?#made me feel so stupid#that anger in me led to a little fight with another boy (who was unfortunately very cute) and i just wanted to punch him#i just hate when boys think they're so superior#so i argued with this stupid but hot man#until an ex? friend shows up and he was pretty drunk just yapping about things#anyway he basically told me he'd like to rekindle our friendship#but not in a heyy haven't talked in so long let's meet up again#it was in a heyy let's hang out again got a new big car and moved out of my parent's house 😋#which gave me the ick bc that's why we aren't friends anymore and i told him no multiple times#and got sad bc he was one of my closest friends#anyway and then we left the party#this guy pulls me aside the parking lot#and i was so embarrassed bc there were so many people and they were all looking and i could already see people gossiping about it#and i just wanted to die#and then he just CONFESSES??#gives me flowers and all which is saur saur cute#but i legit have zero feelings for him </3#and have commitment issues and have never been in a relationship and don't wanna be in one#actually grosses me out thinking about relationships </3#the confession was so random and i kinda lost another friendship? even tho i wouldn't rlly consider him a friend we just share sum classes#but yeah boys are so stupid and confusing and i dunno how and why i get myself into these situations :') m sorry just needed to rant </3
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hannibal actually got me back into video editing for the first time in like 8 months should i post the will graham edit i made.. 😶🌫️
#its to fear by current joys#sad/unstable will with a little bit of abigail#ft transmasc will hc <3#very different from my usual editing style but it was so fun to make ugh it made me fall in love with editing again a bit ngl#will graham#hannibal#nbc will graham#will graham kin#will graham edit#will graham fanart#nbc hannibal#hannibal lecter#abigail hobbs#hannibal series#hannibal 2013#hugh dancy#mads mikkelsen#kacey rohl#alana bloom#caroline dhavernas#nbc hannigram#transmasc will graham#trans will graham#tboy will graham#ftm will graham
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#madness combat#madcom oc#my oc#atp soldat#the soldat in the dark (tm) actually cares about his bro#a lot#but he just can't get sad when he warned him about this shit nonstop#no id#The bitten guy just acts too friendly because his program made him too altruistuc and kind#Which sometimes helps since he is one who recruits workers#Well#Probably it's more benefitial most of the time#But he gets in shit like “oh i just wanted to help civilian get out from dangerous location and they stabbed me :(((”#And he ain't bullied for it by anyone but his bro. He is too... Kinda. Uh. Hard to bully guy who is most safest option to talk with auditor#And not die lol. It also doesn't help that he is guy who knows all of the AAHW by names and will kick you hard for bullying anyone#So bullying him is a privilege of some atp soldats#not an option :D#Other soldat here is just walking anger issues and he got no friends other than his bro. Constantly lashes at anyone. The Bitten™ included#So they're got that dynamic of angry antisocial cynical guy and pessimist & optimistic kind dude (well#(well he got a lot of mental issues too#But doesn't show it and never let it hurt others.)#And he is much older than the pessimist :'D#Pessimist guy is very young actually. But just experienced shit nonstop from birthday and lost very much everyone he cared about#And the second one... just atp soldat with no past. never known any other thing than work in AAHW and orders. Easy to manipulate#He also gets “You're not a real person” a lot for it. And constanly offended by it. But it's a problem of all yellow bloods here#Especially him#since he litterally didn't had a life outside from aahw. Also don't think he wouldn't kick his friends hard for orders.#Kill even. He is a dog for orders first#Kind guy with good morals is only second
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very sad still see the saria/silence divorce headcanon still going around
have you ever tried to consider that they never dated before lone trail because it would be unrealistic with the timeline and the events and also because it would be overshadowing the actual truth of why they couldn't get along
#i'll elaborate#firstly it's ok if you headcanon this i don't want to invalidate what people think#it's just that I think it's a fanon joke that have been going around for way too long#and I can't help but shed a small tear when I see people really headcanoning it#I personally think it's way more interesting if we consider that they never had something going on before Lone Trail#mostly because it's weird that they started dating in like some months when they barely knew or saw each other#but also because it adds nothing but just makes things even more harder for them#my personal headcanon is that Silence was maybe having feelings for Saria but like#you know these very premature feelings#like just “oh wow she's pretty and nice”#but nothing like really deep#but they never had anything going on before the diabolic crisis#and after lone trail after they made up and saw each other's true person#they start to actually get real feelings#I'm just complaining but I've been still seeing it around somehow and it's sad to me that this joke became a fact for many people#there's still a lot of fanfics about how they had been dating and now they're on bad terms#I think that going on the “they're exes” route is way too easy and actually hides the potential and interesting reason#of why Silence was mad at Saria#it's not because she hates Saria or blame her#it's because she's mad at herself for being so weak#really making them appear as exes just hides this really interesting truth and makes it all seem to be a sad love story#consider that they never had any of this and that this tension between them is because they blame themselves!!#their story is not a love story but above all a story about self love and acceptance#just my two cents enjoy my rambling i go back to bed now#(not putting this in the main tag I don't want to start a war I'm just rambling)
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(sorry for leaving y’all in suspense I was grocery shopping) Surprise!! I accidentally got into Len’en like two weeks ago. Whoops! I got ideas for cool drawings to do with each of the BPoHC shrine team members (and you-know-who, ofc, but that one might be… weird lol), but Tsubakura gets to go first cause theirs is the simplest; just greyscale + red color scheme with a split background and the pose is mostly random (maybe they’re squishing Tsurubami’s little eye thing? Idk). Very pleased with how everything worked out; the line for the eye is exactly where the dividing line for the background was and the way I managed to make the vest corseted while not changing the ribbon placement is just perfect. Although I did make their hat smaller out of the aforementioned cowardice also that thing is hard to draw
#art#digital#len’en#tsubakura enraku#for those not in the know: Len’en is a game series inspired by Touhou but there’s a number of things different about it and it is rapidly#spiraling off into a very complicated story and also other game genres; also every character’s gender is officially ‘whatever’#This character (Tsubakura) plays like Marisa but is also a shrine maiden (priest) along with the Reimu type character#Nonbinary (to me) mad scientist.#Replaces soy sauce with calligraphy ink in every culinary application.#Made a nuclear bomb once supposedly on accident.#Locked in a blood feud with their 3(ish) absurdly powerful ex-girlfriends and this has led to at least one actual war. so far#(hello high brightness users! :D)#Apparently mastered genetic engineering and mostly uses it for stuff like making it so they can put ink in their coffee and not die from it#what’s not to love#oh ya I doubt anyone cares much since this was in the tags but I got some stuff wrong due to misunderstanding & exaggeration for comedy sryy#nuclear bomb was definitely an accident cause they got really sad about it after which is soooooo funny#they do eat ink and also soap but it’s not really explained why it doesn’t kill them of why they like it#also they made an artificial human (+ several androids) who’s supposed to be an assassin and used to be an even more blatant mega reference#hasn’t actually killed anyone yet cause their first target is Tsubakura lol#and I’m barely exaggerating abt the ex girlfriend thing; they haven’t been confirmed to have dated in canon but they were quote#‘close enough to want to murder each other’#and one of them is very homoerotic about it all the time so like rlly not that out of pocket#admittedly the one I’m drawing somewhat homoerotic art of with Tsubakura atm is probably one of the other two but whateverrrr#it still fits Arde well enough#*mgs reference
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a couple hours ago i ranted to my sister angrily about the lego movies and here’s a visual reenactment of that
i was so pissed i felt like matpat
#all the love to my lovely sister#for listening to me rant about silly legos for around 2 hours#i’m still so mad#not ranting here tho cause i’m scared the lego community will set me ablaze or smth#scary place#oh yeah she’s been converted into the special spaceship book club oh joys !#we looked at how many fics every other ship has in comparison to special spaceship#it was very sad to look at#apparently someone made a fic of benny and colin?? the computer from dhmis????#so good for them i suppose !!
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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thinking about how they could've ruined madalena's character so many ways in galavant but they didn't < 3
#madalena#galavant#if they had gone through the richard love interest route that'd have been very not interesting and they could've also just made her the#bitch character which would've made me so mad#but they give her backstory! complexity!!! < 3#I used to be doubtful about the maybe you're not the worst thing ever scene and thought that may be them considering richard x madalena but#later changing their mind (which idk if true)#but now I think it's great bc it has her opening up a bit when he's talking to her as a person and on their own rather than trying to push#any romance#and then she closes back up when he starts doing that again and we see her sad face after 'being forced to be the bad guy'#it's a great way to show pre- kidnapping madalena and show she's not one or the other she's both#anyway#LIKE madalena has trauma the way a traditional male hero would have trauma if that makes any sense
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(Milgram self-insert oc masterpost hehe)
Name: For the sake of posting online I’ll call her Rose!
Color: #E7355B [the pink in the art]
Age: I guess she’d be 20 given when Milgram started huh.
Status: Milgram Staff, Machine Technician
Symbols/imagery: ballet/musical theater, science experiments
Song genre: very similar to Mahiru's, something upbeat and extra pop-y
Tentatively she's number 011? She's not really prisoner but she's also not free to come and go, so I'm not actually sure if she'd get a number (Edit: I've decided she'll actually be 012. Staff is given the 01X range, and even though Es doesn't actively have a number they'd be staff member 011, making her 012.)
Story: Since the project is supposed to be realistic/present day, the mv machine would be brand new and unpredictable tech, so they’d want someone keeping up on maintenance and making sure the brain-invasive process won’t cause any harm to the prisoners. Rose was studying abroad in Japan working on some cool neuroscience tech (irl I know nothing about technology or brains but shh) and she stumbled upon some secret tech/plans from Milgram. Long story short, she was dragged into the experiment to make sure things ran smoothly.
Writer's Reasoning: She’s really fun for me to play around with, as she allows me to work with a character who has a tiny bit of pull over Es’ mindset in conversation but not the final decision (aka mirroring the voting system), and someone who is simultaneously trapped in the prison but has a reason to see all the canon content.* I really enjoy the character interactions and dynamics Milgram has set up so far, so it’s been super fun seeing how things change for better and worse when someone not quite aligned with either Milgram/the prisoners is thrown into the mix!
*As much as I love dramatic irony in fiction, it would drive me crazy if I knew every detail of of the vds/mvs but Rose didn't – and every single Milgram character is The Worst Communicator Ever so I couldn’t justify that she’d hear it secondhand from them...
Story roles:
She’s a bit conflicted -- she’s officially Milgram staff and knows she should remain neutral on the prisoners, since she won’t be allowed to interfere with the process/executions. At the same time, her job description is literally “make sure the machine doesn't hurt them and everyone's safe :)” and she's way too emotional to avoid getting hopelessly attached to everyone 😅
I really enjoy the theory that the machine extracts videos based off of priming, so one of Rose’s duties involves listening in on the interrogation and making sure there’s been enough material discussed/not too much time has passed overall (hence the ringing of the bell happening at different lengths for each vd -- That's her ringing it :3). She then watches the mvs along with Es to make sure there are no machine glitches, and know how to calibrate it better for next time.
(IEdit: I've since decided to add in official trial mvs, but before when I wasn't ready to tackle that:) She has to run some tests on the machine to make sure things are calibrated correctly, so she'd extract little things here and there. It gives me the opportunity to think up lyric snippets and recurring symbols for her without worrying about full encompassing music videos.
I'm not afraid to admit she can fall into Mary Sue territory every so often by being everyone's friend, because it's less about "aw everyone likes her" and more about "canon is too painful rn and I need a fix-it tool to take care of these guys and give them hugs and tell them someone forgives them and cares about them and unfortunately these characters wouldn't let anyone less than a friend do that." Rest assured she's definitely not perfect and will fuck everything up on occasion :3
Miscellaneous: Whenever I play around with normal au ideas she's still working on the machine (but in a public, more ethical setting), and she's Mahiru's roommate :) Her character isn't super focused on love, but if I had to pick a cover song it'd be Stickybug II. It's very much my vibe, the lyrics fit well enough (better than most songs, at least lol) and it's one of my favorites out of my limited knowledge of unchosen Deco songs! (Edit, I've actually given her non-deco cover songs hehe)
So yeah, I hope she's not too boring without a cool crime to decipher, but I wanted to share since I was really proud of her! It took a bit of tinkering to find a way to fit her into a perfect secret-third-thing role that runs very smoothly with all of canon, so I was very excited!
#waaahh posting before i chicken out#I've never posted about a self-insert so please be kind lmao 😅#i dont expect a ton of hype for her but if people have questions im always down to talk about her hehe#this is my only art -- i rarely draw oc stuff but i was really happy with how this came out#i definitely dont think shed get a number or those side rune straps by canon standards but the art wouldnt look right without them#im mad that the lab coat and gloves make her look a bit like shidous design :/ i definitely wanted more scientist vibes than doctor#dw she wears her PPE when she works on the machine 😤#yeah yeah theres some shipping aspects sue me -- but genuinely its mostly for fun character studying and fix-its#mkdr and neoneon also hold a special place in my heart but i didnt want to double up on covers#im so sad because she just. doesnt fit into LCSyS#the machine is fake in the au so shed have no opportunity to join the experiment#plus even if i made her generic staff shed just be on the receiving end of the lie with es... which is just canon until the very end adfsdf#WOO huge thank you to kyanako5972 and purgemarchlockdown for enabling me to be annoying once again >:3#and thank you gunsli!! our chat was the first time i ever talked about her and it really gave me a lot of confidence :')#not maintagging but i will edit for organizational tags later#i also may put this on my writing blog at some point but we'll see#my art#rose posts#ocgram#milgram
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im so fucking mad i was gonna finish making the raspberry tart today only to find out my sister who KNEW i was gonna make a tart made fucking almond horns this morning and used all the fucking almond flour and eggs and only left enough for like half of what i needed
#like are u fucjking kidding me#especially since im making this for HER and my dad#since its gluten free.......and raspberry tarts work realluy well gluten free#and i was trying to make smth nice for them#so i have a fucking tart crust and half the filling i need and im just so mad#like i didnt have the energy at all for this and then this.#im just really really sad and wrung out cause i just cried in my room for half an hour abt it#idk i dont have the energy to explain exactly why this made me so upset like#its partly that im really bad at plans changing and disappointment#but its also like. when i do smth like this its a fucking ordeal. its a huge ton of my very limited energy im investing in this#so if that changes and it doesnt go to plan its not just fucking up that one thing#its fucking up my four day plan#ceci says stuff
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Sorry for being so rambly today (and last night) I have thoughts so onto the blog they go
I feel like part of the joy of art is in community, like you create something and you get to talk about it and share it with the world. This year I lost touch with the friends who I would always talk about art with and I think that loss is heavily impacting my ability to create (and the enjoyment I get from it.) I miss having a new idea and getting to ramble about it excitedly. I miss texting people the sketches and the mock ups and the color palettes.
I got into art for me. I wouldn’t show anything I made to anyone for years. So I’m no stranger for creating for the target audience of myself. Still, I miss that sense of community. I love this blog and I absolutely adore the lovely comments you all leave on my art but sometimes it feels so one-sided on here. I post a piece, I receive a lovely tag back and that’s it. End of story. I spend hours and hours working on something and it kind of disappears into the void in a day or so.
Trying to put it into words, but I think I wish I could create art that starts a conversation. That inspires people to create their own things in response, or even just talk with me about process. I think the perfectionism has gotten out of hand lately because I feel like I’m missing something—which I attribute to the quality of the piece—but really what I’m missing is buddies to chat about art with. There is no level of being “good enough” that will serve as a substitute for a real community.
#ahaha if you can’t tell I am a very introspective person#and a lonely one the transition to college has been rough and all my friends are back home#anyways I was thinking about drawing more stuff for my ocs today#and then I remembered the friend I loved to talk about them with hasn’t replied to me in a month#which is understandable. she’s busy. she made new friends. she’s not struggling like I am so it makes sense that she’s just kind of moved on#but I miss her#I had no chance of making it to her in group because all her friends she met through dance and I can’t dance for shit#I don’t even think she meant to ghost me but who knows#it sucks that I won’t get a real goodbye#anyways all of that to say I was going to draw my ocs and then I got so sad because who would I even share them with#there are a few art groups on campus but I have anxiety and mild agoraphobia and when I try to go I just feel awkward and shy#anyways if anyone ever wants to chat about art#it’s only one of my fav things in the whole world#lea talks#WHY CANT I BE A PROPER TORTURED ARTIST#WHY CANT I TURN MY ISOLATION INTO SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL#WHY DO I NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO BE PRESENT IN THE PROCRESS#is it not enough to descend into a quiet madness on my own and create from that??
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me talking to argenti aboard the astral express: wait, why does he remind of someone... who does he remind me of—
me: oh. kyojuro rengoku. from demon slayer.
#🎮 kayleigh plays honkai: star rail#and now i’ve made myself sad (rengoku is my favorite demon slayer character)#his new va reminds me more of rengoku than his (better) old va to be honest#i will still be super sad/mad about it until i die. listening to the two side by side makes me want to scream.#argenti is one of my favorite characters (both due to his playstyle/damage as a playable character and in general)#his old voice was. perfection.#i am so glad that i recorded all of his voicelines as soon as i heard that he’d be voiced by the new va in the update#talon warburton is just doing way too much like bro we can tell you’re from family guy can you like. not.#which undoubtedly the voice director’s (or w/e they’re called) fault but (muffled screaming)#adam michael gold was the perfect argenti#argenti’s voice is one of the reasons that i got him 🫣#BUT ALSO. IT’S FUNNY. the va for rengoku is mark whittenburg who also voices kaedehara kazuha and those are VERY DIFFERENT CHARACTERS
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Shoutout to all the girls who had crippling adhd that everyone chose to just ignore or push aside other then to demonize all your neurodivergent traits so now you have no formal diagnosis, a bunch of family who says you “could never” because they don’t wanna own up to the fact they never noticed or just didn’t care, and so you were bullied growing up and now everyone just says you’re “weird”
#angel speaks#angel whispers#vent posting#actually adhd#screaming to the void#specifically mad at my teachers that 1000000% knew and just couldn’t be assed to do anything#I should be asleep instead I’m sad#I have very few friends from school because my neurodivergency made me an outcast but my lack of diagnosis just made it a ‘me issue’#don’t think I’ve felt this lonely in a while
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