#anyways all of that to say I was going to draw my ocs and then I got so sad because who would I even share them with
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tick-tack [j.j.k] | one shot
summary: you've never felt the need to change for someone until now, but will jungkook like your new version?
pairing: jungkook x oc
words: 6,076
inspired by "tick-tack" by illit
"tick tack, ti-tack, thump
it's noisy, my heart"
•
the air in the cafe is bright and bubbly, walls painted in bright pastel colours, stickers of drawings and names of previous customers cover one of the walls. music plays gently over the radio, the only other noise being chatter amongst you and your friends. you're in your element and you love being in it. brown sugar milk tea and tapioca, your usual order when you aren't feeling adventurous. less ice of course, so you get more drink than you do ice. you naturally twiddle the charms hanging from your shoulder bag between your fingers as you and your friends converse about campus gossip. who recently hooked up with who, who recently got in a fight, all the usual stuff.
"love your skirt, by the way" your friend yeji compliments you, you smile softly and look down at the pink pleated, plaid skirt you're wearing. its as if cher horowitz and the plastics did a clothing line collab, your wardrobe is one all the girly girls die for. "on god, where did you get it? I need it!" hana says with a slight pout, you chuckle softly and sip your tea, "it was a gift but i'll find out!" you were always a girls girl and you still are. that's what your friends like about you, your loyalty and honesty.
"thought we'd find you in here," the voice of hana's boyfriend rings out as the door of the bubble tea shop swings open. namjoon steps inside with his friends, your eyes naturally search for _him_ and when they find him, tick-tack-tick. your heart thumps for jeon jungkook. he's a computer science major, a total geek but also an utter god (to you anyway). you quickly look away, not wanting to be obvious with your stare. the four boys namjoon, jungkook, taehyung and yoongi all sit down with you and your friends. it's usual for your friend groups to mix, directly at the hands of namjoon and hana's relationship and god everyday you thank hana for being with joon, you wouldn't get to even look at jungkook if it wasn't for her.
quietly fixing your blush cardigan, you smile politely at jungkook. of course he sits next to you, why wouldn't life just make things harder for you? you pray to god he doesn't hear the way your heart ticks in your chest, that would be a tough explanation. the groups chatter amongst each other while you silently sip your drink, suddenly its harder to formulate words with jungkook around. what if you fuck up? what if you make a joke and it doesn't land? god fucking forbid.
"are you guys going to jackson's party?" taehyung asks as he sips yeji's drink, she kisses her teeth and lightly slaps his arm in protest. "of course we are, who isn't?" your friend jia remarks, which to be fair is very true. who doesn't go to jackson wang's parties? everyone pretty much crowned him the king of campus and honestly he deserves that title, he throws the best parties. "are you going, y/n?" jungkook directly asks you, your chest flutters hearing the way your name falls from his lips. you stutter, "i- um, yeah," you nod your head awkwardly and already want the ground to swallow you up, "of course i'm going," jungkook smiles and internally chuckles at the way you stutter.
the truth is, jungkook knows you like him. well everyone knows, its not hard to tell and you're not exactly subtle. the way you look at him when he enters a room like he saved the world from a pandemic, the way your words fumble and your lips numb when he speaks to you, the way you become rigid when his finger so much as brush your skin. you almost had a panic attack a month ago when he took your jacket off for you. you feel you've gotten better at hiding it, brushing things off in a playful way. simply laughing or smiling at him politely. "you look nice," jungkook says nonchalantly, you almost choke on tapioca but quickly hide it by sipping your drink. "thanks- thank you," you reply quickly, blush pinking your cheeks. jia gives you a knowing smirk, knowing exactly what you're thinking and feeling. your friends know better than anyone how you feel for jungkook and its the worst thing in the world but also the best. they give you advice, they wingwoman you but they also tease you to high heavens.
"it's loud, my heart"
jackson's party is on friday, as usual. the end of the week and of course every friday is a cause for celebration, no classes yay! you decided to try out a new colour today, instead of your usual pink-themed dresses you opt for a lilac bodycon dress, a cream chunky cardigan over the top to keep you warm. once again, your friend groups mingles into its way with jungkook's. you can't help but notice the way he's distracted by another woman, you know her, haseul. she's older and is a lot more.. mature than you are for sure. dressed in neutral colours, her hair is a sleek black compared to your dyed muted pink hair. she looks more grown up, more sophisticated and you can't help the pang in your chest when he settles his hands on her waist, whispering flirting lines into her ear. you pull away from the group and get yourself a drink, yeji follows out of pity. "sorry you had to see that," she apologises, you shake your head. "he's single, he can do what he wants," you defend him and you hate yourself for it, you wish you were haseul right now and it sucks. "not drinking tonight?" yeji asks, watching you pour yourself some fanta orange, you shake your head. "not in the mood for it," you admit before bringing the cup to your lips, yeji nods in understanding. "you can be our ride home then?" she cheekily remarks, hoping you'll agree and of course you do. jealousy sits unkindly in your chest and your head swirls with insecurity, is haseul his type? or is she just a one off? you sincerely hope it's the latter.
the night ends when you all find hana in a bush, completely and utterly off her face. "how many vodka cranberry's did you even have?" you hold her up, namjoon holding her on the other side. "i need to get her home, can you give us a ride?" namjoon asks politely and you nod, "of course i can," you and namjoon struggling to get hana to the car when jungkook spots you, rushing over to help being the gentleman he is. "jesus christ, hana" jungkook grumbles, you nervously chuckle and quickly move to open your car. namjoon and jungkook slide hana into the backseat, namjoon joins her and you close the door. "would it be cheeky for me to ask for a ride too?" jungkook hesitantly gives you a playful smile and you giggle, shaking your head. "get in."
the drive to namjoon's apartment is comfortable, sort of. jungkook is in your passenger seat and you feel exposed to him in a way you never have before. your car is the perfect picture of you. a pink steering wheel, plushies dotted around the car, a strawberry air freshener, pink interior lights and seat covers, lipgloss and pink water bottles dotted around. its the essence of you and despite your vulnerability in the moment, jungkook actually appreciates it and finds it endearing. namjoon sits in the back with hana, she's flopped onto him and drunkenly murmuring incoherent words.
you drive quietly and jungkook grabs a plushie thats sitting atop the dashboard, "you have so many of these," he observes. you smile and gently nod your head, "i have more at home," you admit. jungkook chuckles softly and shakes his head, "you're like a child," the words echo in your ear. he said it playfully but, is that why he won't pick you? because he views you as immature and childlike? "i guess so," you awkwardly respond, gulping harshly. you stop outside namjoon's apartment, jungkook helps him lift hana out the car and up the stairs while you wait at the curbside for him. his words continue to rewind and play in your head, your insecurities coming to the surface. it makes your head spin slightly and you suddenly dislike everything about yourself.
you're pulled from your thoughts when jungkook gets back into the car with a hefty sigh, you smile politely, "ready?" jungkook tiredly nods his head and buckles his seatbelt. for jungkook, the silence is comfortable. but for you? the silence is just absolutely deafening. it makes every word floating in your mind louder and louder. "you look nice," jungkook breaks the silence with his usual compliment, your glossy lips curve into a light smile. "thank you," you mumble softly, eyes on the road. your heart thumps with a slightly erratic rhythm, tick-tack ti-tack.
that night, you get home and all your plushies get swiftly abandoned into a closet. you empty your car of plushies and your bed looks lost without them, the sheets looking a little too vacant. but its for the better, right? keep the childish stuff in the closet, crumple up all the playful doodles. will he like you then? are you less immature? going to bed without at least one plushie on your bed is lonely and you feel slightly cold, but thats just growing up isn't it? worried sighs leave your chest as you attempt to sleep, the constant questions whirling around in your head. you feel a heavy tightness of doubt in your chest, are you really doing this for you? or are you doing this for jungkook? after all, maybe he'll like you now.
•
you and your friends have a habit of having random picnics on the quad, its not even planned it just happens. you all lay out on a blanket and share food, until the boys all invade and suddenly there are no chips left? classic taehyung. you decided to change up a little bit today, taking the cute keychains and small plushie off your handbag and opting for more muted pinks with your clothes, wearing a pair of flared leggings instead of your usual skirt. jungkook lays down on the blanket next to you and you smile softly, ignoring the way your heart ticks in your chest. he looks up at you and a small smile reaches his eyes, you instantly set yourself into a cooler mode. attempting to calm your racing heart, forcing yourself to relax instead of being rigid.
"how are you still hungover?" yoongi remarks, hana pouts and holds her head. "shut up," she groans, the group chuckles lightly. "she drank enough for like 10 people," you joke softly, earning more laughter from the group. you see jungkook's chest shake with a slight chuckle and it makes you smile, you love making him laugh.
the sound of a shutter opening echoes across the quad and jia automatically stands to her feet, "coffee vans open, who wants?" everyone lists off their orders and she rolls her eyes, you shake your head. "thank god you're not a coffee person, y/n" jia bows with her hands together playfully, "you're very welcome," you mock salute and jia laughs as she steps away toward the coffee van. you remain quiet as the group converses, "i didn't know you weren't a coffee person," jungkook mumbles softly, you hum in response trying to keep your cool. "i prefer tea," you speak sweetly, he smirks, "bubble tea?" jungkook hits the nail on the head and wow he knows you so well, you nod with a slight chuckle. "you look better in a skirt, by the way," your heart stops at his words and you swear you need a doctor, where is the medicine cabinet? should you call an ambulance? holy fuck.
"here, losers" jia returns with cup holders full of coffees and she's joined by.. haseul. of course, of all people haseul had to come and join you all. jungkook sits up and begins conversation with her, it stings. honestly you'd rather be stung by a bee than have to watch this conversation, you can see why he'd like her though. she's beautiful, sophisticated, mature, grown up. everything you think you lack. she's well-spoken and her voice is soft on the ears, another thing you lack. you're playful, slightly loud and not as articulate as she is. you note her sense of fashion, neutral colours and clothes that compliment her body. black flared trousers with a long sleeved beige t-shirt that flows over her wrists. it makes you feel sick, is this what you need to become? is it truly time to ditch the pinks and pastels?
"i like your hair," haseul compliments you, pulling you away from the whirlwind in your head. you exhale and smile gently, "thank you." haseul nods in response and continues to admire the soft muted pink of your hair, the way it falls on your shoulders, "it wouldn't suit me, i'm too grown up to do that now," haseul comments with a light chuckle, the group laughs with her and you feel an epic halt in your chest. the laughter is innocent and playful but the comment cuts like a knife and you feel suddenly out of place. too grown up. too grown up for pink. "i like your hair, y/n" yeji says sharply, "it suits you," you smile gratefully at yeji. she's always been protective of you and the way people comment on you, like an older sister you never had. you remain silent for the rest of the break, the comment really doing a number on your self esteem. maybe it is time to ditch the pink.
here you are, in your bathroom at 9pm with a dark brown box dye in your hand. you've been hesitating for 20 minutes now, convincing yourself that this is the right thing to do and you're definitely doing it for yourself, not so jungkook will like you. "time to grow up," you mumble to yourself as you open the box. you sadly look at your reflection, basking in the last moments of having your hair this colour. you run your fingers gently through your hair one last time before gloving your hands and beginning to paint the dark brown dye into your hair, there's no going back now.
your friends are astounded when you walk into the bubble tea shop a few days later, their jaws dropping. you're dressed differently too, in a pair of washed out jeans and a white cropped t-shirt (albeit, it does have hello kitty on the front), your go-to blush chunky cardigan warms your arms. "girl- what? what the fuck happened to the pink?" hana asks confusedly, you sit with them at your usual table and shrug, "i'm over it." if their jaws could drop any more, they would. jia leans forward, brows raised. "excuse me? over it?" she remarks and you nod, digging into your bag for your phone. they all exchange looks like you've grown a second head and realisation hits yeji, "wait.. is this because of that dumb bitch haseul?" fuck, of course she would hit the nail on the head.
"no, this was not because of haseul," you lie, avoiding the gaze of your friends. her name on your tongue tastes bitter and the insecurity of even thinking of her sits in your chest. "don't let a comment from a random girl make you change yourself," yeji tells you gently, patting your knee. you shake your head, "its just time to grow up," you say dismissively with a slight firmness to your tone, your stomach churns as you say it. your hand tightening on your phone. who are you trying to convince? the girls once again exchange looks and jia sighs, hana hesitantly sips her drink. they know there's no getting through to you once your mind is set on it, no matter how much sadness sits in your eyes. you twirl your hair between your fingers softly, the dark locks swiftly weaving in and out, a lump forms in your throat and you can't help but miss the pink.
"will you like me?"
jungkook very swiftly moved on from haseul and started seeing another girl called yumi. you know her too, a business major around the same age as you. once again she's a girl who seems more mature and sophisticated. a good head on her shoulders, a soft tone when she speaks and she's beautiful. of course jungkook would go for her, looks like he has a type and you don't fit into it, not yet. she joins the group for lunch at the bubble tea shop, you sit down next to taehyung after receiving your order of strawberry milk tea.
"are you sure you don't want anything?" jungkook politely asks yumi, she laughs lightly and shakes her head. "boba? that's too childish for me," she remarks and jungkook chuckles in response. his reaction hits your chest and suddenly you have no appetite for strawberry milk tea. the word "childish" continues to echo in your mind, its all you hear lately and it makes you think thats all jungkook sees you as. childish.
"well i think it's god's gift," jia says with a gentle smile before sipping the taro milk tea she holds in her hands, her comment eases the tension in your chest and you feel slightly better. yeji too gives you a reassuring smile from across the table and pops the straw into your drink for you. minutes roll by, the group swept up in heavy conversation. gossip flies back and forth across the table, the occasional debates here and there. "why aren't you drinking your bubble tea?" taehyung whispers, you look to your full plastic cup. the strawberry milk tea remains untouched, your tongue craves the taste but your insecurities scream "no!" its too conflicting. "you can have it if you'd like, i'm not thirsty anymore" you slide the cup over to taehyung and he nods, pausing for a second before grabbing it and sipping through the straw. concern holds in his eyes as he watches you. hana catches the interaction but remains silent, not wanting to make you the centre of attention during a moment of potential vulnerability.
the conversation is slowly wrapping up outside, jungkook's hand sits perfectly on the curve of yumi's waist and it makes your chest tight. you swiftly flip your dark brown hair over your shoulder and gently fix your fringe, hana and namjoon chatter with each other and you remain quiet. "are you okay?" hana asks quietly, you pause and look at her before nodding. jungkook joins the four of you and he's alone, "yumi took a cab," he tells us with a sigh. the air feels awkward, to you anyway, like you don't know what to say or do. hana and namjoon say their goodbyes and disappear, leaving you with jungkook and honestly fuck you hana for doing so.
"so you.. ditched the pink?" jungkook asks, a hint of disappointment in his voice, "yeah, i decided it was time for a change," you lie again. you miss the pink, you miss putting your hair in cute hair styles and people saying you look like you belong in an anime, you just miss it. "thats a shame, pink suited you," jungkook voices his thoughts honestly, because truth be told he loved the pink, you looked cute with pink hair. you almost want to slap yourself, suddenly wishing you never dyed your hair in the first place. he liked the pink? you can't believe he liked the pink! no, this was for the better. jungkook likes grown up girls and pink hair is not grown up, no more childishness.
"what kind of me do you like?"
on monday, you ditch your usual bubble tea and go to the coffee van. jia has to do a double take, "y/n? you don't like coffee," she says confusedly, you shrug in response, "i do now." yeji and hana watch from the group's regular spot under the big tree on the quad and they are just as confused as jia, you order a flat white and don't bother with sugar. sophisticated girls drink plain flat whites, don't they? you and jia join yeji and hana on the blanket under the tree, "girl, what are you doing?" hana says curiously, you sit on the blanket and sip your coffee. you grimace because what the fuck? people genuinely drink this and like it? disgusting. being sophisticated is hard work. "what do you mean?" you respond, the bitter taste on your tongue making you shudder. "first your hair then your clothes and what, now you're drinking coffee?" yeji lists off and you lowkey hate your friends for being so observant, "don't think we haven't noticed the lack of plushies too," jia adds and you roll your eyes. "i'm just maturing thats all," you remark, the nausea in your stomach says no, you don't want this.
"if this is all for jungkook i swear-" you interrupt hana with a shake of the head, "no, no, no." she sighs frustratedly, "we get that you like him, y/n," yeji begins before sipping her coffee, "but you shouldn't have to change for someone's attention," the other girls hum and nod their heads in agreement with yeji, it makes you question yourself and your choices. you're definitely doing this for yourself too, not just for jungkook. it's time to begin being more mature, begin being more serious. "how are people supposed to take me seriously if I'm dressed head to toe in pink? or with hello kitty on my bag?" you question firmly, they go silent at your words and you feel slightly guilty for snapping, you don't mean to snap at them but the ever mounding pressures of your insecurities weighs heavily both in your mind and on your chest. "we're just concerned, honey," jia says gently, you nod and sip your drink again. god this is awful.
"we're going to jackson's party tonight, coming?" yeji swiftly changes the subject and you silently thank her, wait- a party on a monday? "it's monday, yeji" you remind her and she shrugs, "i'm in the mood for a drink and dance," hana says with a yawn. "you're always in the mood for alcohol," jia remarks and you all chuckle amongst yourselves. "jungkook will be there," yeji teases and you kiss your teeth, "shut up," your cheeks tint slightly and the thought of seeing jungkook again makes you feel a rush through your veins. will he pay attention to you this time? will he notice you?
•
the party is as wild as jackson's friday parties usually are and considering its a monday night, you're surprised. for the first time you completely ditch any pink clothing, opting for a black long sleeved, bodycon dress. no cute chunky cardigan this time. you look very different, not as cute and more mature. finally. you still haven't seen jungkook yet and hana can see the disappointment in your features, "he'll be here," she reassures you, grabbing your hand and squeezing it. music blares through the speakers and you sip red wine from a solo cup, this is what grown ups drink isn't it? it's not awful so you aren't complaining. "hey everyone," that familiar voice makes your ears ring and your heart thumps loudly. tick tack, ti-tack.
you politely smile as jungkook greets the group, he looks slightly sweaty and you thank the universe for making him exist. "hey- you look.. different," jungkook observes, checking out your outfit. you smile politely, "thank you, you look handsome," you say confidently, he nods slowly and then returns to his friends. disappointment sits in your chest and you wonder if he genuinely noticed you or was just being polite. are you not interesting enough for him to talk to? are you too forward? you gulp the rest of your drink, letting the taste settle on your tongue. a familiar face settles next to jungkook.. yumi. the self esteem you built up from looking in the mirror earlier tonight comes crashing down in an instant, you could never meet his standard and it kills you. yumi is everything jungkook wants, polished, confident and effortlessly beautiful. suddenly you don't feel so mature anymore, you feel small.
•
you return home early from the party that night, tears sting the corner of your eyes as you gaze at yourself in the mirror. who even are you anymore? you feel lost in your own body, staring at the reflection of someone you don't recognise. you're struggling to convince yourself this is for the better, the internal insecurities have amounted too much and you no longer think you can conquer them. the same way you can't conquer jungkook's high standard, you're slowly beginning to accept that you'll never reach it. no matter how many ladders you use. your heart ticks away as tears stain your cheeks, tick-tack tick-tack ti-tack. like a clock. every moment passes and you can't stop crying. who are you now? the girl who loved wearing pink, drinking bubble tea and kept hello kitty plushies on her bed? or this new version, lost, empty and chasing something out of reach?
"which version of me do you like?"
that night was a struggle, but you're determined. one last try at being "mature." you decided to switch up your personality slightly, being less jokey and playful, instead opting to be more serious and less chatty. your friends decided to gather at the bubble tea shop and you arrive with an americano in hand, setting with them in your usual spot. "no boba again?" hana notices, your hand tightens slightly on your cup and you feign a smile, nodding. the girls engage in conversation, you remain quiet, just responding with body language. you keep a good posture instead of slouching, something you mentally noted both haseul and yumi doing. the girls joke about something and the lack of laughter or usual funny comment that comes from you makes them notice and they notice hard.
"what's up?" jia asks you gently, sipping through her straw, you shake your head softly, "nothing, why?" yeji snorts in response, knowing you're lying. "you're being just.. off?" hana is gentle with her words and you're grateful for it, but you can't help wanting them to stop poking and prodding you like a baby. "is this about jungkook again?" hana adds, you shake your head as you sip your americano, letting the bitter taste melt in your mouth. "you've changed, y/n" jia says softly, the words hit you harshly and you feel a slight pang of guilt. you don't know whether to take it as a compliment or criticism, "i'm just growing up" you say in a small voice, the lump in your throat making it difficult to speak. the words feel different on your tongue- like a lie you're struggling to convince yourself of. you don't want them to worry about you, not after you worked so hard to change.
the conversation quickly changes and you're grateful, the girls make occasional jokes and you want to make a funny sarcastic remark but the words stay stuck in your chest. the will to be your old self feels foreign and it sends your mind into a whirlwind of doubt, are you doing the right thing? you're snapped out of your thoughts by the store bell ringing, jungkook and his friends step through the door and you smile politely. namjoon gives hana a swift kiss and the boys all sit to join you. you once again remain quiet and poised, watching the conversation. you feel out of place, like you're spectating your own life. "hey, you okay?" jungkook asks you quietly, your heart pounds slightly and you nod. "you're just.. usually chatty and stuff so," jungkook says, his voice slowly drifting off, he looks disappointed and you feel like an idiot. yumi and haseul were both not chatty and only spoke when spoken to, why doesn't he like it when you do the same? what are you doing wrong?
"are you girls going to hoseok's party tonight?" taehyung asks while he scrolls through his phone, your friends all give a chorus of agreements and you stay quiet. "y/n?" jia awaits your answer and you shrug, "think I might skip out" you reply softly, the girls look at you confused and you give them a hardened look as if to not comment on it. yeji doesn't get the memo, "you always come out with us, why not?" you sigh at her words, mentally trying to come up with an excuse but you struggle to find one. "i uh- have plans," you lie, jungkook is disappointed but he doesn't make that obvious. you get up from your seat a few minutes later, claiming you need to go home.
yeji follows you outside, "not so fast," she says firmly. "you need to spill and you need to spill, now," she orders and you exhale harshly, not wanting this conversation. "you're changing y/n and its not nice to see, you know that right?" yeji adds, all you can do is nod, the lump in your throat is too big for you to even conjure up words. "no boy deserves this amount of change, you deserve to be love for who you are," you hate that yeji can see right through you, she always has done and as much as you finally feel seen, you feel exposed too. "the real me isn't enough," you say sadly, holding the emotion tight in your chest. your words shatter yeji's heart, she wishes you would just go back to being yourself. "i'm growing up now, yeji" you say with a sigh, you want to believe your own words but its hard when you feel like you're losing every piece of yourself in the process. "time to put down the pink." yeji shakes her head, "i feel like i don't even know you anymore," now the tears glass your eyes, even your own friend doesn't recognise the person you've become and it absolutely breaks you. you want to defend yourself, to tell her that this is all for the better.. but even you don't know anymore.
you watch as yeji returns inside the bubble tea cafe and you feel like an absolute outsider, watching your friends all converse with no care in the world. your eyes land on jungkook and the insecurities surface again, you'll never be good enough for him. not even after changing yourself enough to potentially lose your closest friends. not even after changing enough to potentially lose your sense of self.
"will you like me?"
you attend hoseok's party after all, dressed in neutral colours, not a hint of pink. soft glowy makeup and your dark brown hair straightened down your back. life now feels like an outer body experience, you're lost and there's no map to show you the way back. you grab yourself a drink, tequila. that should settle the anxious thoughts in your brain. you spend some time alone, people watching, when your eyes land on jungkook and yumi. so tequila didn't fix the insecure anxiety, great.
"hey y/n," taehyung greets you and you smile gently, "hi tae," you respond. he stands next to you and follows your gaze, "you really like him, hm?" taehyung asks, your body naturally nods, you can't stop yourself from being honest about your feelings for him. "he'll never like me though," you murmur self-consciously, taehyung raised an eyebrow and smirks slightly, "you sure about that?" his question has your stomach churning and you don't know if its a good thing or bad. "what's that supposed to mean?" you ask, thoughts race in your mind and you feel like your body is floating. “find out for yourself,” taehyung tells you with a smirk before leaving you alone again.
the interaction with taehyung and the affects of tequila give you enough courage to approach jungkook, and yumi of course. you smile gently, “hey jungkook,” his eyes lighten as they land on you, “you came! thought you had plans?” jungkook remarks. you shake your head and swirl your drink gently in your hand, you notice the way yumi’s eyes scan your body and it makes you feel more insecure than ever. “turns out i���m free,” you lie, he smiles brightly and sips his drink, going back to conversation with yumi. you stay, listening to their chatter and attempting to join in, but you struggle. the words stay stuck in your throat. you see the way jungkook looks at yumi as she talks, the way his eyes gaze at her lips. your heart thumps anxiously in your chest, tick-tack ti-tack.
“i need some air,” you suddenly announce before abruptly leaving the pair, your breath stutters and finally the pressure of your insecurities crush you. you stand outside hoseok’s house and inhale the fresh air deeply, jungkook’s joins you outside and the unspoken words sit heavily in the air. “are you okay?” he asks hesitantly, you’re dismissive and don’t respond. which is weird for you, especially when it comes to jungkook. “you’ve not been yourself lately,” jungkook comments, a chuckle leaves your lips and you swallow harshly. “you noticed?” you say bitterly, jungkook’s senses the heaviness in your voice and licks his dry lips, “of course I noticed.”
“what version of me do you like, jungkook?” you ask suddenly, he’s confused and words refuse to formulate in his mouth. “I changed myself for you, jungkook. I changed the way I dress, the way I talk, the things I drink,” you list off, you don’t mean to vent but it’s all coming out like word vomit now, and there is no stopping you. “I see the girls you like and I just thought.. if I could be like them, you’d look at me the way you look at her,” your voice breaks as you speak, truthfully you feel embarrassed but you can’t stop the words from flying into the air. your hands tremble softly with the course of adrenaline, the confession lingering heavily in the air.
“i’ve always looked at you, y/n,” jungkook says softly, your heart races. tick-tack. “what kind of me do you like?” you mumble, all you want is to be enough for the man standing in front of you. that’s the only thing that swirls around your mind in circles. “the real you,” jungkook sighs, stepping closer. he runs a hand through his hair and looks at you with soft eyes, “the real me?” you echo is words in a whisper and he nods. “the you that drinks bubble tea like water, the you that keeps hello kitty in her car, the you that wears pink like its a religion, the you that makes sassy comments,” jungkook names one thing after the other so clearly, like it all lives in his head. you feel your chest stop, your heart still beats quickly but you ignore it. the insecurities still linger in your mind, despite his words.
“why didn't you say anything, jungkook?” you question him, the heaviness of your feelings for him linger in your words. “i didn’t know you changed for me, y/n,” jungkook remarks, he’s right. he never knew, it’s not fair to claim he’s wrong here. “you knew I liked you though,” a slight pout graces your lips when you speak and his face falters, he nods softly, “yeah, i did,” jungkook admits, a guilty pause follows, "i've always known." your heart hurts slightly, he really did know all this time. you feel like an absolute idiot.
“why didn't you tell me?” your voice is small when you speak, barely above a whisper. jungkook simply shrugs and you honestly want to shake him, “you’re an idiot, jungkook” you add, he chuckles softly. “I thought you already knew,” jungkook says, making you want to smack your head against a wall. he steps closer to you and gently brushes some of your hair behind your ear, “i miss you in pink.”
your heart pounds. tick-tack, ti-tack, tick-tack, ti-tack.
golden-loona || 2025
#bts#bts jungkook#bts au#bts fanfic#jeon jungkook#jungkook fic#jungkook fanfic#jungkook oneshot#jungkook x reader#bts oneshot#jungkook#golden-loona#loonawrites#oneshot
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Doing master studies the only way I know how: Stealing them and making them my guys.
(Barberini Faun)
(The Fallen Angel - Alexandre Cabanel)
(Covent Garden - William Bruce Ellis Rankin)
#obviously. not actually theft...#i was gonna say these are public domain but covent garden actually isnt yet#it will be. in two years.#thats the most different one though like i added a whole new guy..#maybe not the most different. barberini faun is pretty different i just took the post#pose#its barely even a study. thats not true#but. what was i saying.#oh its not theft it's study... the purpose is to learn!!! but also. if im gonna spend like 2 days on something...#its GONNA be my guys#otherwise. idk. i only want to spend 30 or so minutes per study#just to get the notes down and the practice for the skill im working on#i dont get all that much more out of completely rendering a master study. PERSONALLY.#at least definitely not enough to be worth taking 100x longer#but making them my characters makes it worth going all the way!!!#plus it's good practice w like. not just going 1:1 but actually genuinely interpreting whats there so i can manipulate it...#again. personally. this is just how i worm#WORK#youd better worm bitch#uhm... anyways yeah. ive done lots of study but why TF share it LMAO i dont even save it#its just to learn. ive got 1 million other drawings to save and look at later.#once the learning is done it's done its job and i have no need anymore#this is why the only studies i have are from school. i had to save and upload them#well. ok also i dont study as much now BUT in my defense im a full time artist#an hour or so a week is different ok im learning while working too.. i learned how to learn and i do it all the time now#master studies#digital art#my art#illustration#my ocs
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meet cassian :]
close ups and more info under the cut!
gloomiest guy you’ll ever meet
pathetic loser
he’s an artist
comes from a rich family
he barely leaves his house, he stays inside a LOOOOOT
insane attachment issues
clingy and dependant yandere
he guilt trips a lot (isn’t really aware of it lmao) can be really manipulative without trying unfortunately
texts you constantly but if you don’t answer back in like 5 minutes he starts freaking out
sometimes he’s normal enough but if you take too long he WILL lose it
doesn't like it when you talk to other people, why can't you just talk to him? is he not good enough for you? what's so interesting about other people anyway?
he hates stairs (he's fallen down and up the stairs WAYYY too many times)
shy (lmao ok) and introverted (has a really hard time talking to people)
has a mascot! (his name is PopUp :] he made him for a school project and just ended up liking him a lot lol)
sopping wet cat
don’t be mean to him, he doesn’t like it, even as a joke
doesn’t get much social interaction cause he stays inside a lot
WAYYYY more comfortable texting, he’s like a totally different person when you’re texting him
spams a lot. like a lot
used to be a lot more outgoing and social
wishes you could be by his side 24/7
he’s sad a lot of the time
feels unloved, please shower him in love
really pessimistic when it comes to himself
he’s really passionate about art
you and art are the two things that make him extremely happy
if you thought nox was tired, meet cassian! he has an even worse sleeping schedule than nox
he’ll do ANYTHING to keep you by his side
so he can and will kidnap you! lol!
is also a stalker… great..!
has probably installed a camera somewhere in your room (um??)
you’re probably one of the only people that can convince him to leave his room
really loves shoujo manga, has fantasized about being the perfect male lead for you (he really wants a romance like that, only with you)
he's a huge romantic, he wants the two of you to have a happy life together
so please don’t leave him. please
takes a lot of walks at night, don’t worry he doesn’t spend ALL of his time inside (he wishes he could tho.)
he wants to have his happy ending with you <3
#num draws#cassian posting#<- hehe#yandere oc#male yandere#yandere male#oc art#yandere#original character#digital art#guys meet my sopping wet cat of an oc! i love him dearly!#also. i think i said this before but i put a lot of my own traits into my ocs#this fucker has the most of my traits. i wonder what that says about me#NONE OF THE YANDERE STUFF THO THATS ALL HIM!#i wanted to include more info but if i do ill just keep going and going and going and i dont think anyone is gonna read all that anyway </3#btw PopUp is a character that i made for a school project so yeah he's stealing him from me (and im ok w that. was supposed to happen lol)#i mean ive shown PopUp on the blog before just didn't tag it (bc i was just yapping and complaining about my project.)#this is my first time posting a full body (and like its the first one ive drawn in a while) pls be kind. im so scared to post this.#i worked really really hard on this so im excited to share this with you!#also this is my 1000th post. hell.#i still need to add him to the relationship chart n everything.#also i think ill do proper ref sheets for them bc. i cant just leave them as busts.#and ill rework rowan's too bc he deserves my love
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had a dream and drew it :o)
#im NOT tagging this as fallout#but i will tag#craig boone#boone/courier#boone x courier#oc: eli#doodly thingy#nebulous slice of life modern au#fallout tag#im not even sure if this should go in my blogs fallout tag but i mean. boone _is_ from fallout. okay i dunno ITS GOING IN THERE#anyway yeah insano mode waking up in a cold sweat jumping onto my comp to draw a boone/eli dream.......... bg3 could never#speaking of bg3 though my tav/astarion also has me in a headlock maybe i should draw some of them :thinkie:#ALSO just a looser compared to what im used to and i really like it! if you know which artist i used as a ref point.. hehe#its hatters/arts her comics are insane i really love the way you can TELL how big her brain is by when she says shes taking shortcuts but#the shortcuts all come from having already done the work. VERY impressive and i love the style derived from it!!#OKAY SORRY IM RAMBLING
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reeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddstonerrrrrrrr yuuummmm
ITS NOT BLOOD ITS CHEETO DUST REDSTONE ((also i stole the embroidery ren sun on the patch from madddddiiii <33 bc it was a cute silly detail i enjoy & totally wont 4get))
#ughhhhh how long has it been???? hmmm#i couldnt go back 2 sleep so i finished these sketches upp#now i should go abck 2 slepppppp blehl#i started getting rlly lazy after i “finshied” the 1st 1 aka the fullbody#also that quote ross is saying is from a comment under like the fnaf hide n seek video#iii cant rmemebr which 1#it was silly tho so i stole it#ALSO IVE BEEN WATCHING THE DIVERSITY VIDEOS AGAINNN#AAAAAAAA I NEVER ACTUALLY FINSIHED WATCHING THEM SO ITS ALL NEW & IM ALL YIPPEEEEEEEEE#anyways live love laugh redstoner#redstoner#yourpalross#i still dont know if its like sacrilegious 2 b putting that tag on here but hhhhhhhhhhhhh#ALSO I GAVE HIM LIKE GREY SCRUFF/ARM HAIR IDK#should i do brown??????????.....idddkkkkkkkkkkkk#also while drawing this i like almost wanted 2 draw him w/alazy eye then realized that my oc larry is a squirrel w/like a lazy eye\#& i basedd him off of nutty & LIKE GODDAMNIT WHATS W/SQUIRRELS & THEM HAVING LIKE OPPISITE EYES?? pupils?#its cause of nuts huh. like their nuts? crazy hashtag goofy#idkkkkkk i just like nutty#oh. his name is fucking nutty#im going 2 stop typing bc the more i type the more stupid i sound#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#mcyt#puppee art
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Drawing Every Abnormality - Part 6
O-04-08: Red Shoes
"The sanguine colour of the Red Shoes looks oddly familiar"
Featuring: Vera (Disciplinary Team Member), Eden (Disciplinary Team Clerk), Poussey (Information Team Member)
Wow what a nice pair of shoes I sure hope they don't make anyone commit murder.
Not my best work, not my worst. Guess this is what happens if you draw whilst your arm's covered in bandages. Oops!
Pretty fun interaction to draw, tho I'm not completely happy with the positioning/layout. Oh well~
Vera's an ex-clerk btw. This happens like 2 days after she gets promoted lol. Eden's one of her friends - they got pretty close when they were working together. He uh... didn't take her promotion very well.
She'll be fine, dont worry bout her~
...He won't be, though.
#Idk whether I'll keep the number/title thing#Kinda makes me feel like a clickbaity youtuber and I have no clue why tbh#my art#oc art#art#lobcorp oc#oc#small artist#lobcorp#lobotomy corporation#lobotomy corp oc#abnormality interactions#project moon#project moon oc#Smth about this one just feels wrong and idk what#Which is rly annoying#I'd say we're getting into the more interesting stuff now#But the next 3 are old lady#The Fetus#And then lady facing the wall#(And therisia I guess. I'll draw it but it'll be a quicker one probably)#(Not looking forward to lftw ngl)#But hey then we're at the fun ones (Nothing There)#Also Poussey's just kinda. There.#She was on her way to go work on the shoes funnily enough#Didn't quite work out for her#Anyway I've rambled way more than intended#If you've read all that... thanks!#Uhhh does this need a blood warning do you think#I'll leave it for now cuz it's PMoon so it's nothing unusual but.
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new year old me, since im back at it again (badly) imitating the DA tarot style 👍 but we have fun here so a win is a win. two versions since i couldnt decide on one. enjoy <3
I have a little flower language pocket guide which i've been consulting for years, and even though i know flower language is a fickle thing prone to change depending on the source, here are my choices:
field bindweed for stubbornness, tanacetum (tansy? tanacetum vulgare? пижма крч) for resistance, pomegranate flowers for naivete, and hawthorn flowers for hope ���
I wanted some flowers that would be symbolic of some Core Qualities Zea has (hope, naivete), but also their choices in life (stubbornly following their heart and ideals wherever they take them) (having no respect for authority if it goes against what they consider to be the greater good, or a kinder option)
close up and some more thoughts under the cut <3
Vetted Gaza Evacuation Fundraiser List
E-sims donation
the idea was also to make the background a bit...ummmmm gloomy. i guess. hint at the blight n all. the sun WAS originally supposed to be just the regular kind but then i was like HOLD UPPP BUT THE ECLIPSE THOOOOO and so......
now that i think about it, i could have maybe played around with making at least some of the flowers into a more...ummm strict and symmetrical pattern rather than going for the more realistic approach and maybe that would have made this whole thing look closer to the style im actually trying to achieve here but. maybe some other time. maybe ill post another version like a week later. who knows lol
also i love the color palette reference i made for Zea bcs like. the eye color is so fun bcs it LOOKS green (to me at lest) but its like. on the orange part of the color spectrum. color witchcraft
#kunst huli#zea dao oc#dragon age#dragon age veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard#datv#dragon age rook#rook thorne#datv rook#warden rook#adding tags is like a...well not exactly fun but its like a little game#how many different ways can i say the same thing over n over#but well i made it so. look at my oc 🫵#was also considering drawing something comics-like with noel...............replayed the howe confrontation yesterday#uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu my feral dog girl who bites i love noel sooo muchh#but ok ok this post isnt abt her#if we go back to zea. idk man i love the trope of someone having hope that everything/everyone can be better#and doing their best to help make it all better. even if it hurts them in the process. and they know this. and they do it anyway#i dont know if im putting it into words exactly right or not.#it might be naive but they would rather be naive than cynical#u know?? u know??????
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Well, it's that time of the year again!! Looking back it's been full of ups and downs (art- and otherwise) and overall I'm a little frustrated with where I'm at, but I do like some of the pieces I've drawn this year. I'll try to just focus on that :)
Anyway, I'll be leaving tomorrow to once again spend the holidays/rest of the year with my partner, so I'm going to take this opportunity to thank all of you for coming along with me on my art journey! Your tags, comments and support mean the world to me, so thank you for encouraging me to keep doing this despite the horrors lmao I hope you guys have yourselves a gay old christmas if you celebrate, and just a gay old time if you don't, and that you make it safely into the new year ♥
This also means that I'm taking a short break in my commission work, but I'll get back to everyone who is still waiting as soon as I'm back home!
See you all in 2024 (seriously h o w is it 2024 already that cannot be real)
#art summary#2023#stuff and things#userpharawee#actually I'm quite happy with all the bg3 art I've been doing#the rest is a bit hit and miss lol#but overall I think it's alright. yea#kenbig brainrot still going strong too#I'd love to get back to drawing ocs more. and danmei stuff because I miss that#ahh I need more time to draw (I say that every year. and every year it's true)#anyway I have a bunch of old-ish stuff in my drafts that I never posted. maybe I'll push some of that out while I'm gone idk#we'll see
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So ive been playing a lot of elden ring, and i had no inspiration for what my tarnished should look like, so i just made raki. And now i have 3 rakis.
some lore about each raki under the cut
from left to right :
Tarahn, aka the cockroach, aka raki #3, i play her as a faith/dex build and until very recently she had like. 20 vitality so every ennemy would two shot me (but for some reason i always end up with 1hp left and surviving against all odds. hence the cockroach)
i picked the confessor class because the outfit looked cool, but now part of her lore is unlearning the rigid rules of the golden order with the help of miriel, so thats nice. i'll end my current playthrough with the frenzied flame i think and try to get a good (better ?) ending in ng+
she's a very curious person, eager go learn and discover new things, but this side of her has been very repressed, and she comes across as cold and aloof. She's very stubborn and ruthless (as all rakis are)
Raki, aka the original, one of the main characters of my comic project. They're a cyborg bounty hunter, who doesn't really like being around people. His body language is very stiff but his face really expressive. he can move surprisingly silently, and has made an habit of scaring people who are unaware of his presence. She's also very tired. Please get this cyborg a bed.
She doesnt appear in part one of the story so most info about her is a spoiler. Just know that they want something and will stop at nothing to get it.
Mikhail, aka le ouicheur, aka stupid bear cub, my witcher oc. He's from the school of the bear, and uses more brawn than brain. He really really hate being around people, and thus make a very bad witcher as he will not dare go into villages to claim money for his kills. He tends to use more his fists than his swords, and has fully mastered the sign Aard, with his signature move being an aard powered jump that will send him flying over his ennemies (he doesn't remember how to use the other signs). He cheats at cards, loves coin tricks and sleight of hand, and got adopted by Ezé, a wolf school witcher (and my partner's oc). The most chill of all rakis, but still a raki at heart, dont be fooled by his silly smile, he is still a ruthless and cold warrior.
#elden ring tarnished#witcher oc#cyborg oc#original character art#the artowl#radio isotope#ch : tarahn#ch : raki#ch : mikhail#elden ring is so great y'all#the hyperfixation is hyperfixating#be on the lookout for fanart and... maybe.... comics ?#i really love tarahn i want to tell a bit of her story#radio isotope enjoyers do not lose hope#i think about the story a lot but its not one im ready to tell right now (in terms of pure writing and drawing skills but also#because it has become quite a mess over the years and i need to untangle the themes and plot and weave it into something that make sense#also i dont want to say goodby to these guys and as long as the story isn't written they will still be here)#idk whats going on tonight my usual filter is gone youre having all my thoughts raw and unprocessed#anyway see you soon i hope#maybe with elden ring stuff#maybe with radio isotope#maybe withe other projects who knows
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Oh hey another indulgent art piece. That's about all I have to say?
#artists on tumblr#fate grand order#fate series#fgo#mastersona#oc x canon#fan art#digital drawing#self insert#edmond dantes#(it's after the first five so hopefully it's ok to use that tag?)#(if not apologies to any CoMC fans tired of Fate stuff in his tag)#anyway I'm gonna crosspost this to my main and my selfship blog now and just#work on my next FGO piece I have planned#spoiler alert: going back to my roots and drawing a Diarmuid next. >:3c#that is all I will say
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Zelda
She/her, 65 moons, cis molly
#Zelda (cat)#<- so it doesn't go in the fandom tags of the game lmao#Loner#honeyclan#<- the save file she's from. I'm gonna say she lives nearest to them#warrior cats oc#warriors oc#kiri’s clangen#clangen#She also doesn't have the chest spot on her sprite but I thought she looked better with it so. Y'know#I made her fur so massive but I need it to be known that the rest of her is massive as well. She's jut very large#also I HAVE RETURNED TO THIS BLOG!!! Can't say how regular activity here will be but I'm queueing this on thursday to go up on friday#and I've got three more finished cats to go up the three days after that. We'll see how many more I draw before the queue runs out#I'm doing hermit-a-day-may over on my main blog and I'm coming up on the end of the schoolyear so I may be mostly swamped until summerish#but I'd like to pick back up with posting these during the summer. I have some ideas for a comic that I'd like to do but I haven't written-#-it out yet becuase I want to get these designs done first and I think I'm about halfway through all the cats I have? across 5 different-#-clans two of which are very large so. Mass extinction events will be on once I start playing moons again!!#anyways sorry for rambling but I'm very proud of my next few designs. I think I've found a good method for doing them quickly. It involves-#-using actual reference images for the poses lmao#EDIT I lied I'm not even close to halfway#I've got 66 out of 181 done meaning I have 115 left#jesus fucking christ ITS FINE it's fine it's just a lot. not a problem though#I can pick up the pace after this next month or two#it's chill
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i think more fans need to revisit their source material sometimes. just. remind yourself of the actual character your talking about.
#can anyone hear me#im gonna tag a few fandoms im in who i think sometimes need this#warrior cats#ESPECIALLY wc#avatar the last airbender#not as egregiously but sometimes#the magnus archives#id say creepypasta but honestly theres barely a concrete canon to begin with#ya'll get a pass#phineas and ferb#specifically certain heinz fans. yall have forgotten who he is#and people who claim the boys are manipulating candace#like go watch the show again please#anyway its midnight and im frustrated#its a 'can only find bad takes online no matter how hard i look' day#...do i dare tag b-tman#cuz. some of ya'll.#honestly most of these are about woobifying characters but the b-tman one is about grimdarking them too hard#like obviously everyone has their own opinion and i dont want anyone harrassed for drawing their blorbos#but some of ya'll have blorboified them so much those arent blorbos those are ocs#like you do you and all but my god#the takes ive been seeing recently
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Silly Bandicoot Doodle Batch !!!
(Turns out i can draw the bandicoots in the same exact artstyle as in the "It's about time" game... Well, except for Aku Aku, kind of.... idk.)
(OK thats all the fanart i can make. time to work more on my webcomic until its time to draw more fanart!!)
#crash bandicoot#fanart#coco bandicoot#aku aku#crash bandicoot 4: It's about time#crash bandicoot fanart#art#yes. aku aku adopting crash and coco certainly happened at some point... HE'S THE MASK DAD#btw the reason i say child is because i hc current crash to be 16-17 while Coco here is certainly 14 years old.#btw im surprised my first coco fanart got 44 notes!! it's not much but... WOW! this is awesome!!!!#thank you all for your support on my fanart.#now you better hang onto your rears because IM DRAWING MORE.#and also YOU'RE NOT READY FOR WHAT MY CORTEX FANART IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE . MAYBE ON FRIDAY OR... ANYTIME REALLY.#anyway i love silly bandicoot game series im so excited for what new stuff Toys For Bob has to offer!!#also we need a cartoon tbh. AN EPISODIC KIDS CARTOON.#ALSO... these two bandicoots definitely have autism. BARE WITH ME HERE.#also about the cartoon. i was thinking of making a pitch.#ill do it when i'll have the time... but for now... oc time. :D
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Take some Fydd's I just realized I never posted
#keese draws#oc art#oc#ocs#eternal gales#fydd is such a comfort character to me rn its not even funny I adore this lil lad#hes been helping keep me sane#Ive also been keeping sane by brainstoriming more abt how I wanna make eternal gales someday which is also helping#and lemme say its getting real ambitious folks this bad boy isnt getting made for a While lol#the more Ive been thinking abt eternal gales and how I want it to be formatted the more certain I become that while its not going to be a#game Im probably going to be making it within a game maker engine#like Ill still look into how feasible making it all into a website would be but I think for what I want to make this would work best#which is! very ambitious and is definitely not smth I can manage rn! but I have been wanting to re learn to code anyways so!#its mostly just a matter of like. doing some smaller projects first and getting my shit together#ideally I want to be able to be in a place to get started in about 5 years maybe? idk that feels reasonable to me#but Im fine if it takes longer as long as Ive gotten at least some actual real project started and worked on#Ive been playing around with the idea of maybe trying my hand at making a small game for fun#not right this second but maybe soon? idk depends on a bunch of shit#honestly eternal gales has dragged me through so much whenever I feel hopeless I just have to remember that I Need to make it some day and#imagine ppl asking me questions abt it and analyzing my writing and I go ok so I must persist no matter what I need ppl to read abt them
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Some color explorations, with just color and lineart :)
Tysm to @demi-ghosty for the color palettes!!!
#my art#strawberridraws#my ocs#OC art#ocs#demi let me brain vomit my comic idea onto them at a coffee shop today#and then helped me turn that mushy vibes into a Coherent Plot???#with a ??? plan??#impossible#they’re really good at little details and connections#whereas I tend to go off. vibes and overall themes and sooo many ideas lmao#but together our power is scary fr…#like they r epic at coming up with simple designs (I struggle) and colors#and I can draw . really fast#anyways All this to say I … actually have an entire like. 5 chapter short comic mostly planned out now???#in less than 24 hours it’s crazy bro#but I liked drawing these#I can’t tell which I like better#cause the inking works wayyy better for some#but the lineless looks nice on others…
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Sorry for being so rambly today (and last night) I have thoughts so onto the blog they go
I feel like part of the joy of art is in community, like you create something and you get to talk about it and share it with the world. This year I lost touch with the friends who I would always talk about art with and I think that loss is heavily impacting my ability to create (and the enjoyment I get from it.) I miss having a new idea and getting to ramble about it excitedly. I miss texting people the sketches and the mock ups and the color palettes.
I got into art for me. I wouldn’t show anything I made to anyone for years. So I’m no stranger for creating for the target audience of myself. Still, I miss that sense of community. I love this blog and I absolutely adore the lovely comments you all leave on my art but sometimes it feels so one-sided on here. I post a piece, I receive a lovely tag back and that’s it. End of story. I spend hours and hours working on something and it kind of disappears into the void in a day or so.
Trying to put it into words, but I think I wish I could create art that starts a conversation. That inspires people to create their own things in response, or even just talk with me about process. I think the perfectionism has gotten out of hand lately because I feel like I’m missing something—which I attribute to the quality of the piece—but really what I’m missing is buddies to chat about art with. There is no level of being “good enough” that will serve as a substitute for a real community.
#ahaha if you can’t tell I am a very introspective person#and a lonely one the transition to college has been rough and all my friends are back home#anyways I was thinking about drawing more stuff for my ocs today#and then I remembered the friend I loved to talk about them with hasn’t replied to me in a month#which is understandable. she’s busy. she made new friends. she’s not struggling like I am so it makes sense that she’s just kind of moved on#but I miss her#I had no chance of making it to her in group because all her friends she met through dance and I can’t dance for shit#I don’t even think she meant to ghost me but who knows#it sucks that I won’t get a real goodbye#anyways all of that to say I was going to draw my ocs and then I got so sad because who would I even share them with#there are a few art groups on campus but I have anxiety and mild agoraphobia and when I try to go I just feel awkward and shy#anyways if anyone ever wants to chat about art#it’s only one of my fav things in the whole world#lea talks#WHY CANT I BE A PROPER TORTURED ARTIST#WHY CANT I TURN MY ISOLATION INTO SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL#WHY DO I NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO BE PRESENT IN THE PROCRESS#is it not enough to descend into a quiet madness on my own and create from that??
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