#it hurts okay even if it shouldnt
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I get hella nervous whenever I post Gaz because I've seen other artists(my friends even) being bashed or dog piled when their version of Gaz doesn't align with their vision or straight up saying "its drawn very badly" so im glad to read everyone's nice reblog comments on my latest Gaz doodles <3 thank you, I appreciate it truly
I know I shouldn't really be scared of those kind of comments, but lately I've been struggling a lot lol but im learning and trying my best :] ((despite it taking a whole year to actually dare to draw and post him)) Elliot's very pretty!! handsome man!! so sometimes I feel like im not doing any justice if i dont draw him well enough
BUT
its okay, ive learned to live with it and draw him the way I like without trying to shape it in everyone's idea
because let's be frank, you can't satisfy everyone, no matter how sweet or shiny the apple is someone's bound to hate it
anyways yeah just wanted to say i appreciate yall
#there's been a trend where i see artist getting unwanted comments and feedback on their art in a way that are rude#there's a fine line between criticism and being mean and i feel like no one knows the differences anymore these days#you'll see what I mean in my latest reblog with gira#I too have been receiving a few of them#which is why my tumblr ask is closed off because im genuinely upset by them#happen recently on twitter too hence i havent been very open there#it hurts okay even if it shouldnt#please bear in mind that the artist are also human they have feelings too#gummmyspeaks
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People don't realise it, but Alfred is actually a lot more soft-hearted and forgiving than his twin. Matthew's more personable, for sure, but he's cutthroat AND he holds grudges.
Baby Alfred chose Arthur because he saw Arthur was sad. He chose to comfort a stranger over FOOD, which we know Alfred loves. He barely hesitated.
I like to think Matthew watched Francis be sad about losing to Arthur for two weeks before finally deciding, well, his food DOES look good...
When someone wrongs Alfred he's pretty okay with either ignoring it or forgiving it; Matthew is taking notes and treating it like it's a personal insult and he is NOT letting it go. (When Japan attacked Pearl Harbour, Matthew had Canada declaring war before America even did - man does NOT fuck around about defending his baby brother when he needs to).
Alfred doesn't get a free pass, either. If Matthew does something hurtful or annoying, Alfred barely flinches and just moves on. He forgives and forgets easily. Mattie is HOLDING A GRUDGE and bringing it up for the next twenty five years. Sometimes, he goes too far in retaliating, and then Alfred is crying and Matthew loses the high ground and feels guilty. But after Alfred's done crying he's quick to forgive, so Matthew's not really learning any lessons on restraint.
When you wrong him and you're NOT his brother... well, philosophically, is it really murder if you know they'll come back to life?
#hetalia#hetalia world series#hws canada#aph canada#hws america#aph america#OKAY so this isnt even a dark canada headcanon guys#this is just a normal canada headcanon for me bc i def think hes the one u shouldnt mess w#like alfred got electrocuted and just cried a lil#like does anyone GET HOW FORGIVING HE IS#matties NOT like that#hes the listing all your flaws for 3 hrs guy#and dont get me wrong mattie doesnt have a short fuse so it doesnt come out a lot#like if someone insults al hes not killing them#its just the BIG hurting of his bro#-#.txt#re: na siblings#re: america#file: old headcanons
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thinking about fallout 4 against my will
#random thoughts#fallout#unfortunately nora compels me#the fact the 'hi honey!' tape specifically mentions her 'shaking the dust off' her law degree is interesting#like she gave up her job to stay at home with her husband and kid. why?#like that's a whole year. at LEAST.#love the idea of nate pressuring her into it <3 maternity leave turns into 'isnt it so nice being with sean around the clock?'#'too bad you won't have this quality time when you return to work'#turns into 'you can always return to work if you feel like it but we DO have a lot saved up . . .'#and it's like. okay so fallout 4 would be so much better if it were set in the 1960s. literally no reason it shouldnt be#yknow beyond complying with lore which. it isnt that faithful to in the first place#i just think it's weird the game is like 'here's the FUTURE' and then it's like 'here's the FUTURE FUTURE'#anyway make it the 1960s. give me time-appropriate fucked up family dynamics#and nora's a laywer and a feminist who promised herself she'd never compromise her career for a man#and nate seemed so NICE and like he understood until uh oh. frog in a slow cooker#and he makes everything seem like it's her idea until she's barefoot in the kitchen with a screaming baby on her hip and burnt food in a pan#and she doesn't even realize she's trapped until it's too late. isolated from friends and family#idk ill do more research later to make it more time-accurate (ESPECIALLY interested in second-wave feminism)#anyway i think she cheats. with a door-to-door salesman selling places in the bomb shelters#(honestly probably the only adult social interaction she's had in weeks beyond her husband)#i like to think at some point she had a bit of a car accident due to the stress so nate took her keys#probably just a minor fender bender he blew out of proportion but she believes it because oh god what if she hurt sean#her feelings toward sean are complicated. i dont think she quite loves him which she feels guilty about so she overcompensates#with trying to keep him as safe as possible and she feels like he KNOWS and HATES her#(honestly when the bombs drop everything happens so quickly and when she's in the future and registers sean's gone she feels. so relieved)#(followed by heavy shame)#nate sabotaged her birth control btw. love evil 1960s patriarchs#never outright stated but heavily implied!#anyway nora in the future (while she felt very progressive for her time) feels very out of place#like her ideals have no place. like she has no place
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i remember getting into an argument once with someone who had an outdoor cat and i mentioned how this poses a risk to the native wildlife and they went "no its okay! i live right next to a forest so there's lots of birds!" like thats not worse than letting the cat roam a suburban area that only has sparrows and pigeons
#shortext#istg these people are so mind numbingly stupid it hurts#also 'lots of birds' is NOT an accurate measurement unit#what is lots of birds today could be a fraction of what once was 10 years ago#i explained to them why NO thats actually NOT GOOD and ig they understood but they were also like 'okay i get your point but you shouldnt#be so mean' i am TIRED of having this discussion over and over when google is free i am TIRED of seeing cats with a poor bird in their mout#im TIRED of seeing cats ripped open in the middle of the road. so i guess im going to be a little mean about it since youre so fucking dens#also i wasnt even being that mean 🙄
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I want to talk about him so bad sitting here giggling
#but i CANT because V is asleep I assume AND people in both systems agree we shouldnt be dating anyway including V#so I dont want to be shamed😔 what would I even say tbh😞😞😞''I miss my boyfriend'' yeah okay and?#TOBY!!#my tummy hurts bad#mellos randoms
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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can not fathom why she thought shed be a good therapist. girl ive been responsible for your mental health in one way or another since the day i was born and i have never met a person as overwhelmingly pessimistic as you in my entire life.
#the worst part about it is that no matter how angry i get or what reprieve those moments bring i always just end up feeling bad for her#after our fights when i see her next and shes sad i just want to comfort her and hug her and tell her im sorry and that its going to be okay#and i hate that i want to do that because she shouldve done that for me#i shouldnt have had to lie and tell you that youre a great mother even though im scared of you. but i did.#it wasnt my responsibility to talk you down from suicide when i was fucking 12. but i did.#and then when you find out ive been hurting myself your first instinct isnt to comfort me its to start fucking screaming at me#you were all i had for so long why couldnt you even be kind to me
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starting to think maybe i should turn rbs off on that post actually bc im having heart palpitations now fdsjgjkl why is this happening to meeee
#vent //#me when the paranoia is Getting Bad fjkfdsjkl#its stemming from m.oral o.cd i think bc i am mainly worried abt more eyes on my blog and ppl seeing me frolic here#and the brain gophers have been insisting that i am doing smth horribly wrong and not realizing it#and the worry is that someone is going to see that and bypass talking to me abt it and go straight to making a callout post#and i will be sitting here with Zero Idea abt it#and continue hurting ppl by doing the Unknown Wrong Thing#but i also am not sure how that would happen bc i overthink literally Everything i post#if u see me put tags on smth that isn't just a simple ''ough'' or ''hehe yay!!'' i probably sat there for two mins making sure it was okay#running thru the words at every angle i can conceive of to ensure its not going to hurt somebody somehow fdsjkl#and this paranoia has been so bad the past few days. and when it gets bad then i get worried bc maybe i somehow have a guilty conscience#without even knowing !!! just subconsciously having a guilty conscience somehow !!#which ... only makes the paranoia worse fdsgjkl its a very bad vicious circle#anyways. i have been lowkey avoiding being here lately bc of this but i feel like avoidance just makes it worse#so . hrm. i just do not want to have more crying breakdowns bc i tried to figure out what on earth i could possibly be doing so wrong fsdjk#not exactly a fun way to spend time FDSJKL but ... what can ya do i guess#like i can't ask ppl ''hey am i doing smth wrong?'' bc thats. very vague. and subjective. and also i shouldnt rely on other ppl like that#but my brain is so goofed up that i genuinely cannot tell when i get like this sdjfkl bc i feel so sure i must be doing smth wrong somehow#so every tiny thing seems like maybe its wrong in a way i dont understand yet... ough#ANYWAYS SORRY THIS IS . NOT A GOOD POST TO MAKE. LOL. but i feel like this is the only way im going to bust myself out of this cycle#hopefully if i just Say that i've been really worried then if smth IS actually wrong someone will let me know#and if nothing is wrong then !! i can move on from this continual paranoia spiral !! maybe !!#i feel like me posting this is going to be a Wrong Immoral Move but fdsjkl rly trying to just. break out of it rn fsdjkl#dandyshucks
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sad to report there is no way of hating your body without going "before you criticize your X always remember, your X wont change but your friends with X will see this" no peace no nothing cant a guy hate parts of their body without hurting anyone
#mypost#its not even hurting it transformed into. like.#''you cant passionately hate this specific part of yourself because of 1-people who have that 2-people living meaningful lives w that#3-people whose personhood you wouldnt disrupt with such a remark#because they cant lose value they cant lose ''beauty'' because its not something you see its something you get to know#and YOU of all people should know this shouldnt you.#so why are you so fixated on this. isnt ones humanity residing in their brain and attached nervous system.''#but how. while i both actively try to AND also instinctually see past ones mortal vessel. mine. ah#okay i see#ahh#alright#okay i need to be dissolved in acid#lmao#problem solved guys#ill try to be kinder#idk how itll work but ill try
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im gonna complain sorry i need to get this out of my brain since ive been thinking about it recently. leaving it in the tags so you can ignore it or whatever
#i just. feel like im missing out on everything recently#everyone else is having fun with each other and their friends and im just. here for no reason#timezones fuck me over so intensely on like a daily basis and its so fucking sad like#the society is demanding me to be a responsible human being which means sleeping - and while i do that everyone else has fun#yall get to watch things together. yall get to chat about things together. yall get to do shit in real time#like im not blaming anyone for having fun good for you im glad youre enjoying yourselves and everything!!#but also i just. feel left out. and its very stupid but im stupid and so is having to sleep and i never get to do anything fun cause of it#i never get to watch stuff live. i never get to participate in anything. and when i maybe do its an anxiety situation so i have to pass#i think thats why wrestling is rn a very sore spot for me. i havent really watched anything in a while cause i feel so left out#like im always behind. and i know it shouldnt matter but when i see everyone interacting with live blogs and such and i know i cant do that#and theres no point doing that afterwards#and the only things i can reasonably live blog are things that nobody else watches or cares about and im just#mostly anyways i only put my time and effort into something that only i care about#and im not gonna lie it kinda hurts. like ofc i cant ask anyone else to care but i just feel so fucking lonely sometimes#sorry im just. not in a good spot. honestly i probably never will be cause none of this is going to change cause i cant change it#and i cant and wont ask anyone to change it cause thats not good or fair or anything to anyone#i shouldnt even post this this is so stupid and im such a stupid little baby but im just...#im so fucking lonely sometimes and i see everyone else being able to do things and have fun and enjoy themselves. without me#im so lonely and im so jealous and it just fucking sucks okay#im gonna go now. im sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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How are people so rational and capable of not being bitter
#one person does smth that annoys me#or hurts me#and im gonna think about it for the next 4 months#and im gonna stare at the problem#i am so bitter rn#'oh but blah blah blah'#i know i know i shouldnt dwell on it#but god its just like#I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE IT#im just mad okay#jenna.txt
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there's nothing like knowing if your dad REALLY knew abt the abuse & what happened to you, he might call you a baby killer (vent in tags, please proceed with caution)
#and you know what? id take the pills again.#its always going to hurt to lose what couldve been. but i was 11. babies shouldnt have babies.#we talked abt this once. hes very pro life & im very pro choice.#he basically said that the number of ppl who become pregnant after an assault is so little that we shouldnt even count them.#he said that to my fucking face. he has NO idea what that did to me#it wasnt even a choice for me. aaron gave me those pills. he told me they were for nausea.#but even if i knew what they were i still wouldve taken them. but thats not my babys fault. its not.#but i couldnt have done it. moreover my dad also doesnt understand that absolutely no one should HAVE TO carry their r*pists fetus.#he already basically called me a slut. how much worse can it fucking get at this point#csa vent#trauma vent#actuallyabused#(in my state abortion is legal and my dad essentially called it the 'baby killer law' and im feeling 7 degrees of fucked up over it. fuck)#he doesnt even think abt the damage he causes. he doesnt care. he doesnt care how much he hurts ppl. sometimes he even does it on purpose.#if he knew he would hate me. and i would be okay with that. because i know i didnt do anything wrong#i was ELEVEN. what was i supposed to do?
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#god its just a constant cycle of pretending to have to be okay and not hurt for my lab friends and family#and maybe everyone just lives like this but im weak minded and willed so it just everything just sucks sometimes#i dont feel genuine ever#and for someone who values truth and honesty thats such a dissonant feeling#but thsi world doesnt care about that#society only cares that u fit in#truth be damned#the least i can offer the people around me is to not be down and moody and gloomy and all that#but the end result is just feeling like theres no one i can be honest with and therefore no one i can trust..#and its frustrating cuz it feels like most ppl dont have to live life this way people actually want them in their lives#i feel like im just lol not to quote hq but villager number 2 in everyones lives#which maybe tahts more normal than i think it is but it still hurts when people arent just villager number 2 in my life yaknow#also seeing everyoen coupled up is hurting more than i thought it did#its not even that i want to be in a relationship it just fucking hurts having to step aside#having to interact w certain ppl as a unit when im also someone who just preferes one on one interactions#and i know i shouldnt take things personally but a) it feels like my presence isnt enough sometiems and b) feel like itd bother me less#if i had an existence like that in my life too yaknow#but since i dont and i just have to watch everyone have people in their lives#its hard not to feel unimportant and pushed aside#does no one want me to be actively in their life :(((((((
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still just so so disappointed though :-(
#like its ok... but my heart hurts#so frustrating struggling with little things that seem to come to other people so much more easily#i feel like i only live half the life that other people do. or less like i just feel so slow and incapable and far behind everyone else#and i dont think ill ever catch up. and thats okay i know its not a race and i know i shouldnt compare myself to others#n everyone has their own struggles ahhh i know#and im trying and its not like my life is even that bad but man.#its so hard to make peace with only having a half life. always falling short never quite being enough for myself or anyone else#its so alienating i feel so distant and disconnected from everyone and everything so much of the time#and i dont know how to solve that i dont know if its even solvable. i dont want it to be like this forever 🥹🥹🥹🥹#its okay sometimes. i just have to do my best to live my life in those fragments and then just get by the rest of the time#at least having the flat to myself this weekend means i can cry openly and dont have to hold my breath to not make noise when im sobbing#just gotta get it out. ill feel better and worse and better and worse and maybe next weekend will be okay or the next or the next whenever#aw man.#.diaries#3pm and all ive done today is a single load of laundry and cry a lot. why did i even both taking meds this morning#havent been productive and havent done any hobbies or anything for myself i only get 2 days off a week and i waste all that time#like it would be fine if i wanted to do nothing. but i dont!!!!!!!!! i dont want to feel like this and zone out and stare into space#while time just passes and im so tired after work on weekdays its so hard to do anything then its so stupid to waste all this#but i feel so fucking bad i dont even know why im still doing this i need to get up and DO SHIT my mind is a fucking cage please#cant stop crying again now i hate this so much please i dont know what to do about it i just need it to stop
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Every day is a struggle to not fall back into the same self-harming coping mechanisms that we left behind in high-school over increasingly small and stupid things.
#fae irl#suicidal ideation#self harm#self harm mention#venting in the tags#<- this user was doing dishes and one of the pots in the sink overflowed and then spilled dirty sink water all over the counter#and it was sincerely almost the final straw for them to do something stupid to themselves again#i am an adult i shouldnt be breaking down over stupid shit like this#but also#times are rough and its alright if you need a moment to recollect yourself after making a mistake#its not like my life is even that difficult so why cant I just be okay#its okay to not be okay and different people react to different situations in various ways and theres no shame in that#and on and on and on#i want to break something i want to set something on fire i want to scream and scream and scream and cry and throw shit and make a mess#i want to replace my heart with a stereo and blare the music so loud it rips my skin and scream everything inside of me raw#until its all gone and i feel better and my head is quiet again#and i want to rip myself open and watch myself bleed out or maybe just go to sleep and never wake up again#but i am an adult and id have to replace everything i break and i cant afford a noise complaint and id have to pick up any mess i make#and i wouldnt be able to afford the hospital bills if anything went wrong if i hurt myself again and i dont want to get admitted#to the ward again because it was horrible and made things worse and i cant afford it anyways#I just want to feel better already man
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Oh, yes, I just love your unannounced sleepover where you both come back from the bar after carefully avoiding telling me that's where you were going, and also neglecting to tell me when you'd be home! I definitely do not want to knock you on your ass and take a bat to your dome! That would be rude and unnecessary :)
Oh yes, please do start talking about shit amongst yourselves and make me feel isolated and othered in ny own room! These moments are what I live for, of course. Naturally. Who would ever have any issues with this arrangement at all?
#txt#might delete this later but i also might not because my irritation and rage is real and i shouldnt have to so constantly discard it#i am so tired of constantly putting it aside#i want your blood in my fucking teeth. and it's your fault i want it there- certainly- because I TRY. I try so hard not to feel this way#but eventually you get tired of those little games too#okay I drafted this for a minute bc idk if this fucker is actually spending the night or not i just know he took off his belt. BUT THEN ONE#+ OF THESE FUCKERS DECIDED TO START TALKING ABOUT SPIDERS. A THING THAT I HAVE A VERY BAD PHOBIA ABOUT. I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU#thinking of killing and maiming and maiming and killing and killing and shredding and tearing and killing and-#seriously though what. the fuck. you even go ''oh they're not gonna like this'' THEN HOW ABOUT YOU DONT FUCKING SAY IT#ohh and now you're sitting here making plans for when you go out without me next! I'm going to make you a bloody smear on my fucking floor#i am going to Dissect you. I'm going to rip you apart and feed you to the local strays and csrrion birds.#not even getting up and leaving right fucking now would assuage me. i wish i wasn't so full of fucking hate but you just keep adding fuel +#+to the fire#im so tired. I'll come back with a ''im fine now'' if he fucking leaves but im going to seethe now. im so fucking angry.#how do you fucks continually just bounce between the topics that makes me feel Most Violent Towards You? literally how do you not realize i#+ want you dead at this point? how do you not realize the grave you've dug for yourselves in my mind?#i dont fucking mask it that well. i know i dont. and still you fucking do this#((part of why it being a bar specifically that bothers me besides the very deliberate and careful avoidance of mentioning it to me is that#+*one of you is at serious risk for becoming an alcoholic. why the fuck are you being enabled this way?*))#((if i was dating someone with a genetic predisposition of alcoholism i would make your regular dates nights- idk- NOT THE FUCKING BAR +#+ DISTRICT. DO YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT THEM? DO YOU? This fucking boils my god damn blood.))#(ultimately its their decision if they want to fucking drink yeah sure whatever YOU DONT NEED TO REGULARLY AND READILY ENABLE IT. BASTARD.)#(If they want to drink so fucking bad- if they push for the bars- JUST BUY SOME ALCOHOL AND BRING IT FUCKING HERE. It limits how much they+#+can have for one- and it would isolate me from you two less! just as an added fucking bonus! but no very unreasonable of me. what was i +#+thinking? clearly not about them 🙄)#i might be a little out of line here. i can admit that. but if anyone spent a week in my fucking shoes back when they first got together +#+and then now? you would fucking understand.#and they just. keep. talking. to eachother. no attempts to include me. not even glances my way. like always.#''oh nothing will change'' IT FUCKING CHANGED. I want to hurt you so bsdly for that lie with ever passing day. do you even know it was a li#do you? anyway was abt to post this and noticed a gif i have of a woman ripping her shirt off so im going to stare at that until im calm ig.
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