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the-scottish-costume-guy · 5 years ago

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JK Rowling, transphobia and a hopefully helpful post.

A few days ago I posted on my Facebook (yes I have one sue me) debunking some of the things Rowling has been saying on twitter. Since she made a statement I felt the need to make another one... but this time Im sharing it here. Please note this is long, it is fairly opinionated in places but her statements have felt so insidious I want to share something in depth. If you are cis I implore you to read, but I understand this is long and a lot of people wont want to. No judgement.

Jk Rowling’s latest statement is a mess of valid concerns and fear mongering. At this point there can be no claim she doesn’t know what shes talking about - she herself has said shes been researching this for years. She throws in token acknowledgements to “real” trans people while framing the rest of her statements as concern for confused teens.So first things first - and something that might not be popular with some of my trans friends. I agree that teenagers should not be able to medically transition. It is a choice that should be made when the brain is fully mature. Hormone blockers are something I trust - and that are reversible. I have seen enough detransitioned people hurting to feel like we do need to be careful - especially with children who are trying to find themselves. I dont know about other people but during my teens I was coming to the crushing realisation that I wasn’t special. I was learning that no matter how well I painted someone else did it better, no matter how badly I hurt someone had it worse - I was learning about the wonderful mediocrity of life, and having anything that made me stand out gave a brief reprieve from learning to be okay with all these things. For me to be fair it was dying my hair outrageous colours and dressing in black leather during 30 degree summer heat - but its still something we cant forget. I KNOW a lot of kids claiming to be trans are - and I dont want to keep that from them, however I dont want to cause harm to the kids that are wrong. Continuing on, I’d like to address her comments about TERFS. Terfs are Self Described Trans-exclusionary-radical-feminists and the term does get thrown around a little too liberally at times. Terf is not and never will be a slur. No more than “White” is. It is about a group of people who have taken it open themselves to segregate another group - and calling that what it is, is not a crime. The reason Terf and transphobe have become synonomic is because the ‘radical feminists’ that subscribe to this have lost focus on nearly all other issues of feminism and sit squarely on “dropping the T” from the lgbt community and “keeping men out of womens bathrooms.” Terfs are overwhelmingly women - this is sadly simply a fact. Terfs are reviled because of how much it feels like a betrayal to the community. A group that fights for rights - except ours. A group that wants equality - except for us. Its different to the conservatives who hate us all equally - with Terfs we are singled out. Terfs are not, as Rowling claims, inclusionary to Trans-men. I’ve been met with a combination of pity, loathing, mockery and revulsion by people within this group. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t let homophobia push me into transitioning - only for all correspondence to abruptly drop when I mention Im marrying another man. I’ve been told my old body was beautiful - only for stunned silence when I agree. I was beautiful - I was curvy, I was a dancer and had a body to match - but I wasn’t Me. When their usual arguments against me fail - I’m met with hate. Im called anti-woman, traitor, homophobic. I even have some such comments saved on my blog. I have yet to meet a Terf who was pro-trans-man. Rowling claims that had she had the ability, as a confused teen, she may have sought to transition. I hate to tell her but she did have the ability and trans people didn’t pop into existence in the twenty-first century. I’m actually looking to do my dissertation topic in my final year on lgbt presentation throughout history - and in my overeager way I’ve already started researching. James Barry has been becoming a common name for years - a transgender surgeon who died in 1865. If Barry was able to at least socially transition from 1790 to 1860, I am fairly sure Rowling could have in 1980 - over a century later. Rowling also claims that groups of friends in schools all suddenly identify as trans at the same time. Speaking from my school experience - the queer kids group together. We seek out others like us, and we take strength from each others bravery to come out - often around the same time. We almost get a rush of resolve when one of our group musters the courage and strength, and some of us use that rush to bite the bullet ourselves. Its one of the beautiful ways the lgbt community is here for one another - and the influx of people identifying as trans is partially a factor of more people knowing the name of their feelings. Survivor bias will ignore the trans people through history without the knowledge or means to transition - and will claim they were never trans at all. Her initial statements about charities worry me in particular. As I said last time - we know sex is real, we just dont really like to be defined by it. She is worried that we’re going to “rebrand medicine” and ignores that medications for years have had warnings in their leaflets about “If you are or become pregnant” regardless of if the person receiving it has a dick or a vagina. We dont advocate for ignoring the differences in how people respond to heart attacks - and I for one would like research to be done on how hormones effect that. I dont actually know if I would respond more like a cis gender woman or a cis gender man if I were to have a heart attack or a stroke. But where possible we do want to change the language around some of these things. I have had a double mastectomy, but some Cis-men have these as well. This is not a gendered term. Why should a period be called anything else? Why call it a “womens problem.” I and Im sure many other trans people, support the research into how different medical and mental issues affect different sexes. I just think that should be extended further - and we know it should, as some medical issues affect people of different ethnicities in different ways and we don’t know how. I am truly sorry that Rowling has experienced abuse and assault of any nature. I am truly sorry that she has felt unsafe. But her feelings do not invalidate others experiences. Of the trans people I know, a saddening number have been assaulted, have been abused and in particular have experienced these things domestically. There is much work to be done on this in the UK. There are nearly no mens shelters for sufferers of violence to my knowledge. I, a trans man who have experienced some of these things in my teen years, would Not want to be around cisgender women even if I could be. A cis woman was responsible for much of the pain I personally suffered - and in fact one of the acts of violence she carried out against me was directly after I came out as trans to her. Trans women, even if they could go to male shelters, should not have to be surrounded by a group that put them in danger - in a place that is detrimental to them physically and mentally and is frankly degrading. The belief that allowing trans women into shelters for those escaping abuse is dangerous is sad. To be so afraid is deserving of pity. To let fear blind you to the suffering of others - to think its better that a trans woman face homelessness or a return to an abusive household because you personally would sleep better at night is the kind of passive evil we should be aware of in this day and age. It comes from choosing to see the word “trans” before “person.” Its from choosing to see a persons genitals before their humanity. Trans people are not dangerous - and cause no greater risk than any other demographic. Her claims that she can empathise with this fear are empty. A gender recognition certificate is not a ticket into womens bathrooms. Funnily enough you dont actually require a piece of paper to go almost anywhere. I do not have a gender recognition certificate and use male bathrooms, can enter male spaces as I please. All a gender recognition certificate does is change the letter on your birth certificate. It doesn’t even affect other forms of identification - my passport, my student id, my drivers license all already say male. I am not sure why so many people have chosen this as their hill to die on because its the least relevant thing to them on the planet. How often have any of you seen another persons birth certificate? Rowling says she and other ‘gender critical’ (a terf dogwhistle) people are concerned for trans youth. Well… she can take her condescending concern and direct it to matters that are relevant to her. Trans people want to be left alone. Its a simple request, and yet people endlessly seem to trip over the dirt level bar.

#transgender #jk rowling #terf #transphobia #lgbt #uk politics #I'm prob gonna get shit for this arent I

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 5 years ago

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Fall Back to the Jet

Summary- Bucky x Y/N (Steve, Natasha, and Sam features) Cap tells you to fall back to the Quinnjet, but you decide on another option. Lucky Buckys close by. Warning- Violence, swearing. Written for @hopingforbarnes 250 Writing Challenge. Congrats!!!! Prompt is in bold italiacs.

Word Count- 1.9k

It was all going smooth till Steve spoke directly to you in his com “Y/N, we have it from here, fall back to the quinnjet”

You were still the rookie although its been a year, and Steve was the Captain, No one defies the captain, except for you. You eyed the open doorway the hydra agent just went into, taking a deep breath as your resolve settled, you werent going to sit on the quinjet any longer while the rest cleaned up. Ducking into the dark doorway, you stalked down the stairs while hearing your name being yelled at in the com “Y/N, I TOLD YOU TO FALL BACK” Sorry Cap, not this time.

There are times in your life you maybe regret a decision, this was one of them. You thought the room was clear, sweeping your sights back and forth from the other end of a rifle, when there was a clip to the back of your head, knocking you forward and stupidly dropping your gun. “You Mother Fucker!” you yelp, and turn to face your opponent, twisting your head slightly to knock out the kink he put in your neck. He was well over twice your size, his meaty hands flexing to get around that slim column of your neck, you could see it in his eyes when he lunged at you, side stepping around him with a kick. It was like bouncing your foot off cement and didnt phase him much, smirking at you as he came at you again. “SHIT!” you state as you start blocking and trying to attack back.

“Bucky you got her?” Steve hissed as they barged into a lab and Steve threw up the shield, blocking the barrage of bullets aimed at the two men.

“Yea I got her” Bucky ducking behind the shield and once in a while lifting behind from it and aiming his own specially trained on targets rounds, he twisted away and went back out the way he came, using his vibranium arm to slam open doors to see them empty. “Come on Y/N, where the hell are you?” He snarled, until he heard you cussing out someone and the shallow sound of flesh getting pounded on. He hoped that it would be you doing the pounding, but when he opened the door, that certainly wasnt the case.

Bucky came into you looking twisted around the mans arm, and him slamming you down into the floor, doing your best to keep your head from being bashed in, attempting a kick into his face, his throat, just about anywhere to get him to release his hold. Blood ran down the side of your face from your scalp and your words were flying just as much as anytime youve ever been pissed off, regardless of the situation. “If you dont let me the fuck go you dick wilted asswipe, Im gonna rip your balls off and stuff them down your throat.” If Bucky wasnt scared as hell for you at the moment, he would have rolled his eyes at you, once he realized the way you were being flung back and forth wasnt gonna allow him to take a shot, he shouldered the weapon.Close attack it would be

Without another pause, Bucky strode forward, his strides wide and his metal arm slammed into the hyrdra agents side of the head, jarring his hand to open wrapped around your neck and you fell to the floor from a considerable height,snapping the back of your skull against the cement with a sharp cry. Rolling away from the two men clashing like titans above you. Bucky was shorter in stature then the hydra agent was, but much more quick on his feet, as well as being a super soldier, it wasnt exactly a fair hand on hand fight. Within minutes the agent was merely blocking the bone rattling blows Bucky was issuing, you were crawling across the floor to where you dropped your weapon, sitting back and putting it to your shoulder, waiting to get a clear shot.

Buckys silver hand wrapped around the back of the mans neck, the plates clinking as he tightened pressure and swung him around right in the aim of your shot, you lining hydra right up in your cross hairs, and pulling the trigger. Barnes turned his face away to keep from getting splattered from brain matter and blood. Loosening his hold, the hydras body, minus the top of his skull, collapsed with a dull thud. You lower the rifle and wince, placing your hand against your head. “Bucky... he got me pretty good.” Your vision going in and out at the moment.

“Jesus Christ Doll” He hisses as he sidesteps around the body and goes to you, his hands cupping your face to look in your eyes. “Can you focus on me?” You blink a few times and wide eyed stare right at him best you can.

“Hows that?” You question, grinning stupidly since your just glad Bucky got there in time. He frowned a bit and sighed, wrapping you in his arm to get you to stand.

“Steve, I got her, Im taking her back to the Jet.” He spoke, not to you though and you didnt bother trying to get an answer. With his assistance, you two hobbled, less with sleuth, but with plenty of pauses for Bucky to check to make sure the coast was clear, the two of you headed outside. Sam was already in the jet, waiting on the two of you.

“Steve and Nat are finishing up downloading the computer files, then they will join us. Come on Kid, I got a spot waiting for you.”

“She had her head hit pretty badly” Bucky stated as you two followed Sam inside, going to sit you down, a wave of nausea threatened to upchuck whatever breakfast was, which what was that again? Oh yea, bowl of Wheaties, you remarking to Steve and Bucky this morning across the table.

“Breakfast of Champs!” You werent exactly feeling like a champ right now.

Sam looked you over to, prying one eyelid open, then the other. “I think shes going to be okay, but once we reach the compound we will be able to take a closer look.” Bucky settled in beside you and you pried them open once more.

“Thanks for coming for me.”

It was this moment Steve and Natasha returned, Steve snapping past you without acknowledging you at the moment. “Get us home Sam” his voice clipped, and Natasha plopped down next to you, her eyes brimming with worry. “Hey, we win some, we loose some right? You also got a hard head, I know.” She teased, having sparred and tumbled with you plenty of times. Steve stayed up at the front with Sam for the moment, but once he was sure you were okay, back home, you were most likely gonna get one of the famous Cap speeches youve seen him dish out to other agents. For now you were content to lay your head on Buckys shoulder, his hand resting against his knee, palm up. Without hesitating, you weave your fingers with his and he gives them a gentle squeeze. It might amaze others just how gentle he could be with that vibranium limb of his. Not you though.

When the jet lands, you walk off, much more in control then before, but Bucky still hovers nearby and follows you into the medic bay. Quickly your head is checked over, a flashlight shining in your eyes, follow the finger, clean up the scrapes and blood. “Your gonna be dizzy for a few days, so nothing strenuous.”

In this moment, you were okay with that.

Steve came in, his demeanor still snapping in anger, but a touch calmer then before. He glanced at the medic and asked “Please, give us a few moments Ma’am, then you can have your patient back.” Bucky moved to take over bandaging the rest of you up as the medic left the room to the three of you.

He looked at you, hands moving to rest against his hips as he seemed to asses you. “I heard your okay, Y/N. Good, you gave your team quite a scare.” You did have the audacity to look a bit sheepish, but felt the need to defend your actions. “I know, I honestly thought I had him.”

“Thought, not good enough. Your still fairly new to the team...” This caused a look from you while Bucky patched up the back of your head as best he could. “So I think a bit more team building practices are in order Y/N. Until then, field work is off the table.”

“What? Steve, come on.” You go to push Bucky back so you can stand up, but hes firm, firmer then you can give him credit for. “It was one mistake, I made a bad call.”

“Yea, could have gotten you killed. Your always trying to think solo and you just cant. Were a team Y/N. We work together. Ive already made the decision.”

You kinda gape as Steve turns to leave, fuming. You swear your heads going to blow like in those old bugs bunny cartoons where it goes off like a train whistle. “That son of a bitch just benched me. BENCHED ME!” This time you manage to move to a stand, about to storm off after Steve, but Bucky caught your arm and sat your ass back down.

“Youve got to calm down before I can fix you up, Okay?” Bucky said calmly as he works diligently. His hands just as gentle as ever, you can barely even tell hes doing anything. You stay as still as you can, fighting back frustrated tears at the Captain benching you like this. Your tired and sore, your reaction just adding to your already bad day. “It was one mistake, one. I just hate always being told to go back to the jet when I could be helping you guys out. It was a bad call on my part, but fuck... I just wanted to be useful. I cant believe how bad this has turned into.”

Bucky is silent for a moment before he pulls back and studies your face momentarily, and sighs. “Listen, I will talk to Steve, okay? Right now hes just being a dick. He will give everyone else crap about not following orders, but damned if he does.” You wipe at your face to get rid of the frustrated tears build up and arched your brows, hopeful.

“You would really do that Bucky? If he says yes, I promise I wont mess up again.”

“Course I would, and let me tell you, Steve wouldnt have listened either.” He went to pick up the tools and waste sitting on the table nearby, and scrubbed his hands clean. “Let him just cool off, hes probably speaking in worry as well Y/N. He doesnt always show it, but your just as much family as the rest of us.”

Tentatively you go to stand, touching the bandages he finished securing gently and wincing. Without even asking he held out some aspirin that you popped immediately. “How about we go crash on the couch? You still owe me live commentary on that second little people going to drop some jewelry in a fiery hole movie. What was it again?”

This caused you to laugh. “The Twin Towers? Sounds good Bucky”

@what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @p8tn0lish

#hopingforbarnes250writingchallenge #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #steve rogers #sam wilson #natasha romanoff #mcu #marvel #writing challenge #amber writes

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vibe-cheque · 5 years ago

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The GED (1.1k words)

@itsforeverromance

-Prompt 6: "Honey, I hate to be the one to break it to you but, you are so stupid its unbelievable."

-From this prompt list

-Gallavich prison oneshot

-Soft prison husbands being in love

-Ian calls Mickey Honey and Baby, Mickey calls Ian Cherry and Bitch

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The small clock on the far corner of the library ticked away, the only sound being Mickeys furious pencil on paper.

"Time's up, pass me your paper," Mickeys eyebrows moved rapidly on his face as he scribbled numbers onto the question paper,

"One fucking minute, Jesus," Ian's hands reached across the table to take the practice exam from Mickey's iron grip, "gimme one second, just one more," Mickey mumbled moving away.

"They wont give you this time during the exam, c'mon Mick, just give me it."

Mickey put his pencil down, giving the paper a once over with concern in his eyes, "none of these are right, I can feel it," his tattooed hands clenched into fists as Ian snatched the quiz from him,

"You'll do fine Mickey, you've been studying for weeks now," he glanced at the paper with a nonchalant face, not giving anything away,

"Yeah but no GED, no job. No job, no money. No money, no nothin'," Mickey said in a hushed whisper, obviously stressed, "no GED means I won't get out of this shithole prison anywhere near the same time as you." Ians right he has been studying for weeks on end, but weeks aint enough if you barely even finished freshman year of high school. The dejected look painting Mickey's face broke practically Ian's heart, both very aware of the weight the GED has on Mickey's sentence.

Ian's red pen was rapidly marking the paper, his expression almost unreadable aside from his eyebrows which were steadily creeping up his face. The pair went silent as the pen scribbled all over the page, Mickey chewed on a hang nail and shifted in his uncomfortable orange jumpsuit, he watched like a hawk as Ian's hand moved across the page. The math portion was the most difficult part for Mickey, you wouldn't think after the years of drug dealing, illegal cash counting and gambling that went on in the Milkovich house since he was young. Yet apparently drug money and algebra are on different planets.

Mickey let out a breath as Ian put his pen down after only five minutes.

"Honey, I hate to be the one to break it to you but," Mickey leaned back in his uncomfortable chair, preparing for the worst, "you are so stupid it's kinda unbelievable,"

"But I only need like, what?" Mickey spoke trying to shove the lump in his throat down, "45% to pass right? That's not many, thats like less than half, I can't have done that badly? Have I?" Ian's face was one of sympathy as he placed the paper on the table.

The neat red writing a contrast to Mickeys barely legible scrawl was a big fat 12%.

"You have to be fucking joking!" Mickey stood knocking his chair over behind him, "what the fuck, how? I've been studying for months!" A guard standing by told them to shut up,

"I know this is disappointing Mick, but I just don't think academics are for you," Ian's voice lowered and he reached his pale hand out to clasp Mickeys tattooed one, "everything's going to work out, okay?"

"Yeah it will work out, once I get out three years after you're long gone and have to gett back onto the Milkovich run and become another fucking Terry, while you run off with a rich northsider who doesn't have a GED but a high school deploma and a PhD or some other fancy college shit, and he gets what I should get just because I'm going to fail this fucking bullshit exam!" Mickey's eyes were glassy and Ian moved around the table to sit with him,

"Babe," Ian started, unable to finish because Mickey had turned to face him with his eyes threatening to spill tears, leaving Ian's mouth dry,

"You're right I am good at alot of things, alot of illegal and shady shit. I want to learn how to be a normal couple, I want to learn how to have a normal family, and a normal domestic life with a white fence and a golden fucking retriever or some shit, and I want to do it with you. I want that to be our life, my life and yours. I want so much with you and not getting this fucking exam will ruin all that shit, the shit that I have wanted since we were teenagers, the shit I want with you." Tears were flowing freely down the Gingers face, turning his pale skin red around the cheeks.

"I want that with you aswell, I want all of that. I will wait for you mickey no matter how long it takes, I will wait for you." Ian rested his hand on Mickey's cheek, solemn, before a smile creeped onto his face, "even if it turns out you're dumb."

Mickey laughed at that, maybe a little delirious from the emotions running through him, "shut the fuck up, ya don't know what the fuck you're talking about," he wiped the tears from Ian's cheeks, still refusing to let his own spill, "thankyou though, for everything."

Ian nodded a small smile blossoming on his freckled face, "I love you Honey, even if you aren't the sharpest shiv in the drawer,"

"Yeah, I love you too, Cherry."

"Rec time's over boys, back to the cells." Some random guard shouted from the door, the couple wiped away their tears and gathered their paper from the desk and started making their way back.

-----

Ian and Mickey moved mostly silently around eachother in the cell, not really speaking or touching until lights out and last call. The second the guard walked passed their cell, shining light moving past the bars, Ian was in Mickeys bunk with his lips resting on the back of the dark haired mans head.

"I just want to do well for you, for us ,Cherry," Mickey whispered into the darkness, turning to face Ian in the dark, "I just want to do the best I can for us,"

"I know baby," Ian whispered back as Mickey buried his face into Ians pale neck, "I just want you to be happy,"

"I'm my happiest when I'm with you," Mickey mumbled, sounding drowsy, as he leaned up to leave a soft kiss on Ian's lips, "I really do love you."

Ian ran his hand through Mickeys hair, "so what's the equation of a straight line?" Mickey groaned and hit his arm, rolling over and grumbling,

"I dont fuckin' know Gallagher, shut the fuck up and sleep, bitch."

#gallavich #gallavich fic #oneshot #prompt #prison oneshot #ian x mickey #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #mickey calls ian cherry #my heart #request

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shika-the-satyr · 6 years ago

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Getting to Know Shika

Name?

“Shika Mesu. Gave the last name to myself, a very creative name is I do say so myself.” (sidenote, her name literally means ‘Female Deer’. I am so creative with names.)

Are you single? “Yep, and I have no issues with that, though I wouldn’t turn down a date either.”

Are you happy? “Ehhhh I guess? I mean, overall, not really. I’m an emotional mess who’s barely keeping it together... but today was nice.”

Are you angry? “Who isnt? I mean, have you seen the kind of world we live in?”

Are your parents still married? “Dont know, dont care.”

NINE FACTS

Birth Place “In a grass plain... not the best place for it. Great scenery but not the best place for a birthing but eh, I wont judge. Aesthetics are a thing.”

Hair Color? “Brown, same as my fur.”

Eye Color? “Green? Blue? Some gradient BS.”

Birthday? “I couldn’t remember so I picked my own by throwing a dart at a calendar. I got April 3rd.”

Mood? “A raccoon searching through a trash can only to get spooked and fall out. Oh, you mean an actual emotion. ‘Eh’.”

Gender? “Female.”

Summer or winter? “Winter. As much as I hate shedding all of that stupid fur, I hate sweating even more... and mosquitoes, hate those with a burning passion.”

Morning or afternoon? “Why isnt ‘Night’ an option? But if I had to pick, the Afternoon.”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

Are you in love? “I can never tell if its love or just me getting attached extremely quickly cus I finally got the attention and affection I’ve been craving for too long... my gut tells me its the latter.”

Do you believe in love at first sight? “Nope. I believe in infatuation and interest at first sight, but not love. Love takes far more time and energy and effort to form.”

What ended your last relationship? “Oh boy, could be a lot of things. The doe ears or maybe it was the antlers? No wait, I know, the legs. Humans seem to prefer their partner having human legs instead of what I got, who knew?”

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? “I’ve broken ribs before but no, never a heart... Oh, figuratively. I dont think so?”

Are you afraid of commitments? “I wouldn’t say that I’m afraid of it, just unsure.”

Have you hugged someone within the last week? “I wish but nope. I should change that though.”

Have you ever had a secret admirer? "There’s a fine line between ‘Secrect Admirer’ and ‘Stalker’, sadly I’ve only ever had the Stalker. Though I’ve been told that there isn’t much of a difference between the two.”

Have you ever broken your own heart? “I dont think you can break whats already broken but eh, I find a way.”

SIX CHOICES

Love or lust? “Love. I know, shocking from a Satyr, the literal creature of Lust, but eh, its not anywhere close to what people try to frame it as.”

Lemonade or iced tea? “Oof, a tough one. Both are amazing on a hot day, especially after some hard work... if I ever do that but I think I’ll go with an Ice Tea.”

Cats or Dogs? “Cats! No dogs! While both are nasty ankle biters, I haven’t been chased by a cat... yet.”

A few best friends or many regular friends? “A few best friends. As lonely as I am, its not the quantity that I need.”

A wild night out or romantic night in? “Anytime I dont have to leave my home, I’ll take it. Romantic night in.”

Day or night? “Night! I can be myself at night as most humans are asleep.”

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

Been caught sneaking out? “Not often but if anyone ever does catch me sneaking out, they tend not to remember it, Satyr secret~”

Fallen down/up the stairs? "Have you tried using stairs with hooves?! Its hell! So yeah, plenty of times.”

Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? “Yes.”

Wanted to disappear? "A few times, can’t deny that, but my spite overpowers the self pity.”

FOUR PREFERENCES

Smile or eyes? “Smile. I dont like looking at the eyes, cus if I’m looking into their eyes, they can look into mine. And eyes lead directly to the soul and I got secrets I’m trying to keep here.”

Shorter or Taller? "TALLER.”

Intelligence or Attraction? "Intelligence. All knowledge is good knowledge afterall.”

Hook-up or Relationship? “Ehhhhhh relationship?”

FAMILY

Do you and your family get along? "What family? As far as I care, they’re dead to me.”

Would you say you have a “messed up life”? "The beginning is pretty messed up, but as for the rest of it, just kind of sad and boring.”

Have you ever ran away from home? "I dont think what happened counts as ‘running away’. So no.”

Have you ever gotten kicked out? “In a way.”

FRIENDS

Do you secretly hate one of your friends? "If I hated someone, I’d say so to their face. My rule is ‘If I cant say it to their face, then I cant say behind their back.’ I’m a fae but I still have standers.”

Do you consider all of your friends to be good friends? “What friends?”

Who is your best friend? "Wish I had one.”

Who knows everything about you? “The moon, she sees and watches all. But as for a physical being, I don’t know, probably no one.”

Tagged By: No one, I stole it Tagging: @bluehaired-tales @grunkle4d @grvnklestan and @fire-spitting-demon-bastard

#Shika Mesu

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dekiiru · 7 years ago

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okay sorry it took so long for me to write and post this, but im home now and in the silence to be able to gather my thoughts and the peace to be able to write them down. a lot of this is me working through my own thoughts as i write it so im sorry its so long, but im still a little bit confused on how to feel about this, largely, i think, due to shock.

i had no clue about almost any of the stuff julie did or said to people. i knew of the miles thing to some extent (i didnt know why miles was uncomfortable with him, i only knew about the aftereffects) and i knew about the vague story surrounding why maddy, jay and marina didnt like him, although i had never actually spoken to them before.

my initial reaction to the callout was to get defensive, because that was someone i considered my friend and although somewhere i think i knew or had some inkling that he was like this, i chalked it up to mistakes and people jealous of his popularity because i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. but the more i read the callout (i never finished it, partially because i had to take screencaps of the posts and painstakingly slowly read through them because the nature of my work makes it very difficult to focus on things for more than a few seconds at a time and partially because by the time i stopped, i had already made my decision regarding him) the more i realized that defending his actions isnt something i can, should, or would do.

and regarding the “sc/hool sho/oter” post, i live in america. in fact, i lived about 5-15 minutes away from where one of these sc/hool sho/otings happened (i lived for several years in roseburg, oregon, and the sh/ooting at u.c.c. happened a year or two after i moved to where i live now). i knew people who went there. i knew one person who died. the day it happened i broke down in the middle of marching band because i had no idea whether or not the friends i knew for three years were alive or dead and that fucking terrified me. and when it happened, i told julie over discord (because i was working when i heard about it) that i did not condone his actions or words and that it was wrong of him to say, but (and i still stand by this), it is not the place of anyone who was not even indirectly affected by a shooting to decide whether or not someone is worthy of redemption. no, julie should not have reblogged that post and while it is totally fine for you to be uncomfortable to interact with him because of it, i think only people who have been directly affected by sc/hool shoo/tings have the right to decide if he is worthy of forgiveness - for that. the rest of it is a different matter.

a few months ago i actually went through this with someone else. i wrote a callout post for daisy, a mercy blog in the overwatch fandom who deleted shortly after i wrote it. (if any of you want to see that callout, let me know and ill send it to you. i will admit here and now that there was something i shouldnt have added in there, but it was added with good intentions, but regardless, daisy’s callout really has nothing to do with the situation with julie and nothing to do with what is happening now. shes gone. im just making a connection to this situation.) it was a very similar situation; manipulation, hypocrisy, turning people against others, saving face and caring more about reputation than anything else. and while i was absolutely terrified of daisy’s situation happening again, where i get really really close with someone and then find out they manipulated the fuck out of me, i was also scared to lose friends, and i think thats a big part of why i wanted so badly to match or whatever, because i really really really wanted a place to belong, where i felt special and unique and yet part of a group and in the end that really fucked me over and made me blind to what was happening. i defended him (albeit not for long, ive only spoken to him for a few months now) for things i shouldnt have defended him for because i was terrified of losing people and im so sorry about that.

as for the callout itself: i will say that i do think there are two sides to every story. im not saying julie is a victim in this or that he is to be sympathized with, because at the end of the day, he hurt a lot of people and its good that the word was spread before more people got hurt. i dont agree that it is “a cis persons responsibility to make sure people know they are cis” because that kind of mindset will only lead to a witch hunt, but im not going to make a fuss about this because i know some other genderqueer people are more uncomfortable about cis people than i am and at the end of the day that is a personal opinion. i think some of the callout was worded with bias which probably, in some situations, did slightly twist the truth, ONLY because it is a callout and it is really difficult not to twist the truth in them even when they are written as formally as possible, HOWEVER while most of the time i disregard callouts (because a lot of them are written entirely based on personal bias because someone doesnt like someone else rather than on an actual need for people to be warned), this one was written very eloquently and very well. as someone who has been on that side of things, im really really proud of the people who contributed to it, especially those that werent afraid of giving their names out, because that is a really really hard thing to do, especially when its for someone really popular. i remember when i wrote one for daisy, i was almost sick to my stomach with the anxiety, and really pleasantly surprised when it was received much better than i expected. i am really proud of you guys, and thank you for letting me and everyone else know the truth of what happened.

however, that callout was not an attack, nor was it intended to be, and by people sending julie hate, youre just making the situation worse. i believe, in my personal opinion, that the best thing to do is to block and move on. we can come together as a community, and while julies actions wont go away, hopefully we can heal and understand from them. and i really want to thank manny for that post, because similarly to daisy, it is the people closest to the person in question who are left most in the dark. as julies friend, i had no idea about almost anything that was there and honestly, im glad now that i do. thank you for understanding that the people who associated with him are not always aware of what he did.

anyway this is really disorganized and im sorry, thats just my thoughts on the matter (as much as i can think anyway), and i hope it makes some sort of sense. i will be hardblocking julie on all of my blogs and changing the urls to both my izuku blog and my ouma blog and my icon for this blog. if you choose to continue to interact with julie, thats on you and i wont reprimand you, block you or unfollow you for it. please do not associate me with him anymore, though, add me to any groups anywhere with him, or tag me and him in the same posts.

and, as i said before, because i really want to get this point across, if you are uncomfortable with me because i interacted with him so much and so intimately and wish to hard or softblock or unfollow me, that is perfectly fine and i understand completely. i only ask if you softblock me that you let me know so that i dont accidentally follow you again, because i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

#⥺ ⥼ ❛ toes ? toes ? toes ? t ( ooc. )#long post //

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blessyourheartdharps · 6 years ago

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band-aids don’t fix bullet holes but they do cover bites || Platonic Soulmates

who: Dani Harper & Abel Hayward

when: 8/25/18 - night (I literally forgot to post this)

where: their house ; Dani’s room

what: after an argument, Dani bit herself and Abel fixes her up

warnings: blood, depression, technically this is self harm, mentions of death and abuse

It was stupid, the way she felt. She knew he had a point. She knew he was right, but she was frustrated. Dani had never had this issue. Never had to worry about hurting someone like this. Whatever was happening with Mercedes was weird. It was wrong, but not in the way it should be. Dani knew Mercedes deserved the world and that Dani wasn't that. She was a wreck and that wouldn't change anytime soon. In truth, it was likely not to ever fully change. Abuse stayed with a person and that mistrust, especially with people who talked to her drunk was part of it. It sucked. And she'd gotten frustrated and bit her arm, hard. She'd tasted the blood fast but hadn't let go until Abel was gone. Until she'd heard the door close. His words felt like a kick to the gut and she'd ended up just getting up and going into her room, door locked tight behind her. She didn't even look at her arm, she knew it was bleeding, but she wasn't going to deal with it. She deserved to hurt. So, she'd laid on the floor, her depression playlist blasting and closed her eyes, letting the darkness and the lyrics consume her. It started with Pain by Three Days Grace and then transitioned into Sharp Edges by Linkin Park as she let everything sink in, doing her best to ignore the feeling of blood running down her arm onto the wood floor beneath her.

Abel knew he was out of line when he told her that things, but he knew that if he didnt try, he would be watching his best friend going after someone and it somehow turned on a switch for something, that he didnt know. He hadnt discussed what he told Dani yet in therapy. When he got to his car, he hit his hand against his car and he groaned out of pain. He let out a breath, knew that he couldnt be running off somewhere else when Dani was this down. He headed back into the house, ignored the pain in his hand and closed his door once he was in there. He put his headphones on, started to play songs from Aaliyah and turned up the volume as he tried to ignore the pain and tried to draw. He kept messing up and it still wasn't getting any better. He turned down his music some, placed his headphones around his neck and swallowed hard as he gotten up. Abel knew that he needed to check on Dani, since he didnt leave and he felt bad for doing so. He headed into their bathroom, grabbed the first aid kit and headed to her door. He tried to open the door, but it was locked. He rested his forehead against the door, let out a breath as he closed his eyes. "Dani! If you don't open the door, I will kick it down! I dont feel like replacing a door at the moment!"

The music continued to play, her arm still bleeding onto the floor, as she lay there. So much of her begged her to get up, to change the music, to clean up the blood , to patch up her arm, to stop hating herself. But she couldn't. The exhaustion of the day mixed with need to not feel but also feel, kept her from doing it. If she let herself bleed, this was just an accident. This would keep her from doing it on purpose. Because she as scared she would. Scared that if she fixed the bleeding, she'd just want to make it a new escape. Even as she heard Abel yell at her through the door, she just continued to lay there. She cared but she didn't. She couldn't let him in. Couldn't let him near. She was scared of what she might do to him.

"Dani Harper, get your ass off of the floor and let me in. So I can bandaged that up! Im seriously going to kick down the door if you don't let me in five minutes!" Abel shouted over her music and knew that he needed to get into her room. "Seriously, I don't really want to replace a door, but I will if you just continue to lay there! Also, I don't want to explain the blood that would be stained on the floor!" He placed the kit in his left hand as he gotten in position and looked at his left wrist. "Five..four..This is your last chance!"

His words had her huffing and she got up, ignoring the way she felt the blood change direction towards her palm. Swallowing she stared at the door, trying to convince herself to do it, to open the door, to let him in. As he started to count down she turned the lock, and opened the door, simultaneously turning on her heel and going back to her spot in the middle of the room, sinking back to the floor. Clenching her fist she grimaced at the feeling of blood on her hand. It was worse than she'd thought. There wasn't a lot of blood on the floor, most of it still on her arm, but there was enough to warrant needing cleaning up.

Abel raised one of his legs up as he kept an eye on the door and looked up when he saw Dani. He turned off his headphones, placed them on a box as he headed into her room, being careful not to step in the blood and turned off the music. "I'll get that cleaned up after I clean you up." He replied softly as he ignored the pain in his hand before he started to pull out what he needed and started to clean her arm up once he put on gloves. "Im sorry for saying that and then leaving you. Something clicked and I knew that I needed to get away from you, but I hit my hand against my car. So that's karma kicking my ass for you." He whispered as he grabbed another wipe and looked at her. "Why did you bite your hand? I mean, I would get it if you bit my hand, but why yours?"

Dani didn't even really respond as Abel turned off the music or started talking, all too fascinated by the blood on her arm. the bite mark in her arm. She'd never actually broken skin that badly before. It was weird. "I don't know... I was frustrated and I didn't really have anything to scream into and I don't know the sound proofing in this place so like my arm just seemed like the best way to muffle that but... I bit harder than normal. Cause I do it a lot when I don't want people to hear me scream..." She couldn't look at him, even as he cleaned up her arm, instead focusing her eyes on her own arm, what he was doing. "I'm sorry."

Abel listened to her, glanced up at her and looked back at the bite. "You could always scream into my chest next time, okay? Or even into my arm. Anything besides biting at your own skin." He said softly as he raised an eyebrow as she spoke and looked at her. "No need to apologize, D." He grabbed a bandage and placed it over it. "It doesnt look too deep for stitches, but if it worse. I advise for us to go to minor care and see what they can give you, since you're recovering." He took off the gloves before he put on new gloves to clean up the blood. "Also, I hear going outside and screaming might be a good idea. However, not around here, obviously or they might call the police."

Dani sighed as he spoke. "Felt like I deserved it, I guess. Always do. It's easier, attacking my own body. I control how bad I get hurt. I don't hurt someone else." She shrugged a bit as he said she didn't need to apologize. Maybe she didn't, but she felt like she did. "Yeah, I guess." Dani hated the idea of going to minor care, or really anywhere, where the reasoning behind her actions would be questioned. Yes, she was getting help. Yes, she was recovering from multiple addictions. Yes, she was a domestic abuse survivor. No, this would not save her from being admitted to the psych ward. That was the last thing she wanted, to be locked away like that. "That's why I didn't just scream, cause God forbid the neighbors heard. That's the last thing we need right after moving in."

Abel paused his movements and let out a breath. "Dani, you don't deserve any of this shit thats happening. I know me saying it wont change your mind, but honestly. You dont deserve heartache or anything like this. Especially attacking yourself, when you're punishing yourself. Its not right. Im gonna see about installing a kickboxing bag down in the basement. I know it wont solve all of our problems, but it will be a step." He looked at her, swallowed hard before he started to clean the blood. "Im sure they would probably think we were watching some show and get pissed because let's be honest. We've done that before. Besides, it wouldnt be anything surprising since we're living in New York and people screamed at each other before."

Dani pulled her knees to her chest, resting her head on her good arm. "Attacking myself is better than hurting you. I hate hurting other people, but especially the people I love." She sighed. "I normally don't break skin anyway, but now I'm scared. Scared I'll do it on purpose. Cause I've felt the pain and the relief and the feeling without feeling..."Dani closed her eyes for a moment then breathed out. "I need to get back into derby so bad. Get back to being physical like that. The extra energy is causing problems. Problems we don't need."

"I can take it. I dont look like it, but I can take it." Abel said with a shrug and looked back at the spot as she talked, hoping it wouldnt leave a stain. "Then make sure to talk about it in therapy." He paused as he looked back at her before he slowly nodded. "We've got 99 problems but a bitch aint one." Abel hoped it would make her smile but he knew better than that. "Sorry, I thought it was appropriate since we're in New York and Jay-Z is from NY. Yeah, you definitely need to get back into Roller Derby because honestly, you need it and we need it as a family. Like I need to get back into working out and doing shit that makes me focus my energy into something." He paused as he bit his inner cheek. "I wonder if Saph can give me a number of a celebrity trainer who is willing to come here and help me get back into the gym. I honestly need to get a manager so that way Saph doesnt need my shit on top of everyone else's." He looked at Dani. "So, will I be expecting you in my bed? Or you?" He asked when he heard Batman near the door. "Also, if you want, we can change his last name again before I leave town. If I leave town." He sighed.(edited)

Dani groaned, shaking her head. "So could the bitch, but that doesn't mean I want to take it out on you. I didn't even want to take it out on her and she fucking deserved it most of the time." It was true. Dani hated the way her and Angela would fight, even if Angela started it. It was something Dani hated doing and it made her feel sick, more than the thought of relapsing with self harm tended to. She tilted her head at him. "Yeah and I'm sure they can, though if Saph is the kind of person I've been told they are, your shit isn't an issue." Dani could remember the things Puck and Quinn had told her and it seemed reasonable that Saph was the kind of person who took on the weight of the world for everyone. She furrowed her brows and stood up, walking so she was in front of him before making it so she was on eye level with him. "We will figure the dark knight name situation AFTER you get back from picking our girl up. None of this if you leave town bullshit."

Abel relaxed a bit before he started to attack the stain again. "I know and to be fair, she still deserves it." He pointed out once the stain was gone and took off his gloves. "Saph is and I know, but they need a break from everything." He watched her get to eye level with him. "Will you be here when we get back? Because I need you to promise me that you will go to all of your appointments while Im gone."

Dani sighed. "Maybe, but the less I have to think about her, the better. She's my past and as painful as that is, as hard as it will be to get over, I will. Given enough time." Dani nodded a bit as he talked about Saph. "I can almost guarantee they've had quite the break while in Lima." She smiled at him gently and held out her pinky to him. "I, Danielle Maria Harper, promise you that not only will I be here when you get back, still clean and sober and harm free, but that this house will be perfect for our family when you do. That I will go to my appointments, even if it means having Hunter force me." Her face was serious and sincere as she spoke, looking him directly in the eyes.

Abel listened to her and gave her a smile. "I know, you can do it. Remember, baby steps." He nodded. He raised an eyebrow. "Wait, they're in Lima? Damn. Oh, OooOh. Damn." He saw her gentle smile as he held out his pinkie as well. "I, Abel Cyrus Hayward, promise to be clean and sober while Im traveling with our kid and I will also find an AA and a therapist while in Lima. When I get back, I will go to a meeting & a session. Good." He said as he wrapped his pinkie around hers and shook it as he met her eyes.

Dani nodded a bit as he spoke. "Yeah, Puck is one lucky fucker." Dani laughed a bit and then her face fell serious as she listened to him. Nodding her head, she curled her pinkie around his the rest of the way. "We've got this."

Abel looked at Dani and chewed on his inner cheek. "Lets hope so." He said, hoping that it would be true.

#parawhatif #self harm tw #blood tw #abuse tw #depression tw #i: abel hayward #p: abel hayward #p: 007 #p: all

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shinythingsorpaperrings · 7 years ago

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things about my playlist (super long cause i included lyrics whos surprised)

Right Here, Right Now Right here, Right now I'm looking at you and My Heart love the view Cause you mean everything im always a sucker for a good hsm song but this moment in the movie just really strongly resonates with me, the desire to make the moment last even though everything is speeding around them

Today Was A Fairytale But can you feel this magic in the air? It must have been the way you kissed me Fell in love when I saw you standing there every day just feels like floating like it really is magic honestly

Hung Up I'm not usually the type of guy to call twice And leave a message every time i think ive only left multiple voicemails for my mum like once

Thunder I don't wanna ever love another You'll always be my thunder So bring on the rain something bout boys like girls just always resonates about us but especially this. i used to play it every day when i spent that summer away

Check Yes Juliet Run, baby, run Don't ever look back They'll tear us apart If you give them the chance we all know how shit romeo and juliet when badly idealised but something about this just made me feel really strongly that it was ok cause of all the issues w my folks but i could run from that and itd still be ok

Two Is Better Than One Cause everything you do and words you say You know that it all takes my breath away this song just brings me back to that first night up against the wall honestly

Mine You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter You are the best thing, that's ever been mine another one of those played everyday, not even just the summer, but literally everyday for a long while. this part was the part that clicked most, that you brought me out of my shell

Love Story And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet" But you were everything to me, I was begging you, please, don't go swift is kind of a running theme for my sweet summer tunes, but parts of this song reminded me of what my folks would be like, and the constant (poor) secret-keeping and the constant want to be free to be us

Marry You Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you i think its kinda self explanatory

Can I Have This Dance Take my hand, I'll take the lead And every turn will be safe with me Don't be afraid, afraid to fall You know I'll catch you through it all this will never stop being the cheesy fall back memory i have, its another soft moment but i love it so

2002 Now we're under the covers Fast forward to eighteen We are more than lovers Yeah, we are all we need When we're holding each other this song just invokes a lot of early memories, of the way we would belt every song out that would come on, the way that wed fix a playlist like no one else was there

Everything I Ask For Oh she makes me feel like shit (it's always something) But I can't get over it (she thinks it's nothing) 'Cause she's everything I ask for gotta agree with john, wearin red when youre feelin hot. its a good colour for you, yknow

Alone Together I don't know where I'm going But I don't think I'm coming home and I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead This is the road to ruin And we're starting at the end we started a mess, we ended a mess, were still a mess, and anything we do going forwards is a mess, but its ok

Still Into You I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you And even baby our worst nights I'm into you, I'm into you Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all Yeah after all this time I'm still into you i remember when my dad sent me the video to this song just because of what was on haleys tshirt. i didnt think it would come to stick with me for so long and mean so much

Runaway (U & I) I wanna run away Anywhere out this place I wanna run away Just U and I wouldnt be my playlist if i didnt throw electronic into it. a general running (lmao) theme though isnt it? to want to run away, to find somewhere new to start

Ours Seems like there's always Someone who disapproves, They'll judge it like they know about me and you, And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do, The jury's out, And my choice is you another summer jam. no matter what, this is ours. no one can take that away, nobody but us can change it. it will always be ours

Song 2 You I'll give you my song These words to you Sing you what I feel My soul is true. a little victorious doesnt hurt. its a soft song, mostly about a materialistic girl, but the feeling behind it resonates with me. i love how soft it is, i love the meaning behind it. but most of all i love that its still music thats being used to connect people

Stupid For You You're a symphony, I'm just a sour note I'll take what I can get The best is hard to grip when everybody wants you And everybody wants you basically about feeling just a little not good enough, but still chasin and makin it work. id say im pretty stupid for you though

Right Girl I've never been the best with my mouth Try to stay smart but the dumb comes out Maybe I'm shy, I drive an old car Maybe I'm amazed that I got this far you are the best thing to ever happen and i let my dumbass brain panic itself into doing the wrong thing to the right girl

Rock Bottom That you hate me now and I feel the same way You love me now and I feel the same way We scream and we shout And make up the same day everything culminated to this, to being rock bottom and tossing and turning and trying and maybe not trying enough. everythings still low it still feels like rock bottom while still feeling like theres more to fall. its hard to explain

Trigger Why can't we talk about it Why don't we try I think we can change our minds If we could just look at it through each other's eyes Instead of letting bullets fly i wish, at least for getting through this, we could be better at pushing emotions back to talk, that i could be better at pushing emotions back. i wish i was better at taking a step back and seeing it from another perspective before it got too late

I Really Like You Who gave you eyes like that, said you could keep them? I dunno how to act or if I should be leavin' I'm running outta time, going outta my mind i remember thinking how annoying this was when it came on, but it explains so well this state of limbo, this state of “what can i say, what cant i say”

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic Every little thing she does is magic Everything she do just turns me on Even though my life before was tragic Now I know my love for her goes on my dad used to play this a lot when i was younger and i forgot it for a while, but something about you sparked me to remember it, to want to hear it on repeat, to belt it despite how quiet it is on spotify, to let it wash over me

How You Get The Girl And then you say I want you for worse or for better I would wait for ever and ever Broke your heart, I'll put it back together I would wait for ever and ever i remember how you used to say you didnt like this song but now it kinda feels like were living it, that someones going to show up on someones door step six months down the line in the pouring rain. or maybe someone wont. but it doesnt stop ever resonating with me so deep in my bones

Be There I'll be the warmth in your empty hotel I'll make it right when you're going through hell I'll be the call when there's no one to tell no matter the situation, ill still be there for you. doesnt matter when, how, what, why, ill be there

Anchor If you’re lost And feel like you’re alone I’ll be the one to guide you home You’ll never have far to go just to really drive the point home with a little tritonal, ill be your anchor, maybe not your rock, im not solid enough, or rooted myself. i sway with the tide but ill still be something you can hold on to

My Life Would Suck Without You Maybe I was stupid For telling you goodbye Maybe I was wrong For tryin' to pick a fight I know that I've got issues But you're pretty messed up too Either way I found out I'm nothing without you i dont care how rocky its been, i refuse to let myself be without you, whatever that entails

Dopamine What you do to me is no good But baby, you're good for me, so good for me We break up to build something new Chasing after what I have with you i think no matter what, it will always feel like what im doing is trying to get back what we had, but not the way it was, more the way we fit together, how we could sit together and be content, to fight and curse each other out but still somehow make it ok, thats what id be chasing after

I’m Yours So I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours my heart will always be yours, even if you dont want it, it doesnt plan on going anywhere any time soon. i could leave and it would still stay with you

I Want You Back Oh, baby, give me one more chance To show you that I love you Won't you please let me Back in your heart Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go Let you go baby Cause now since I see you it is all victoria justices voice makes it feel more relevant somehow, maybe its the female voice with the same lyrics, maybe its just the way she sings it, who knows, but this rings pretty fuckin true

Just Wanna Be With You I got a lot of things I have to do All these distractions Our futures coming soon We're being pulled a hundred different directions But whatever happens I know I've got you while comedic in the end of year musical, the rehearsal version really i think really captures the heart of the relationship, that everything is happening everywhere and theres nowhere to stop and breathe but theyre still there for each other, and i will be too

Black Butterflies and Deja Vu I lose my voice when I look at you Can't make a noise though I'm trying to Tell you all the right words Waiting on the right words one of my favourites off the album, i hadnt found one i connected with much off the american candy album, except for ‘miles away’ perhaps, but then LLL dropped with this as a single and it just clicked so much with me. i find it so hard to tell you all the things i want to, the right things to tell you, its hard to ask you to be patient for me to get out what i want to, and i always end up sticking my foot in it, but one day ill get it right

Marry Me Forever can never be long enough for me To feel like I've had long enough with you a soft way to end this playlist, a perfect way to end it i think

#jasmine shut up #needed to get this out tbh

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laldila-menu · 4 years ago

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l’aldila#4

13:52 10/12/2020

hola

its been a while. you erased yourself from my earth and i didnt talk to you for 30 days. 30 fricking days. which i was fine with. and i swear to you i was okay with it because i respect your space and i had to work on myself. my idea of you in my head was so disformed. i still only had sex in my mind and i had somehow justified the idea of porn and masturbation. but i have been trying to stop. i swear to you i am trying. so far im doing fairly good. because i am tying myself to god. and i understand that i dont need you to be happy but that doesnt change the fact i love you. and you know i wasnt going to hit you up until i felt completely ready after fixing myself but i think you made one of the worst mistakes by hitting me up first. i wasnt ready, and you messed with my head so badly, i dont think you understand. i was constantly checking your messages, and im not like you, i stillo fricking love you menu i still do. and i care about you to the max. i dont want to tell you anymore cause i dont think you want to hear it. all you want is to see it. and ill show you. even if you dont see it ill show you because i truly care about you. first as a human being, then as my friend, and maybe just maybe more. i dont understand why you felt obligated to take his chocolate or why you would say something like youre gonna have to try harder than that to get my number but i cant judge you, and i wont. and telling me stuff like that, i dont know, how could that possibly make me feel great. and obviously not everything you tell me is gonna be good, but... but menu you dont understand that we had something more than just a friendship, even if you dont want to admit it. and i understand that you might not want anything more and youre just chilling but hes not, and if you want him to stop then tell him. im done trying to change people because thats what ruined us. i realized i never shouldve told you your flaws even when you forced me, i can only foster in environment where we can think of our own flaws and change ourselves. i told you that budging in your life would never be good, but you told me to. you said karis hayatima, karistim ve biz boyle olduk. are you kidding me, i fricking love you. you need to understand the weight of your words and sentences on other people. i swear to you all i want is your happiness. even if i dont end up with you, which fricking hurts to think about, all i want to know is that youre happy, i dont want to know anything else. and honestly catching up, hearing how your life is going, it made me really happy:). i know it sounds like i hated on you a lot just before, but im really happy for you menu. im happy that youre starting to find what you were looking for. when we first met you told me you wouldnt go anywhere but that naval academy, and now youve forgotten about all academies and want to go to cornell. i secretly dont want you to get in and come to rice so i dont know i can know youre safe. but thats just my nefis, i really do want you to get in, and i want you to go whereever youre going to be happy, and ill be there every step of the way. just please consider who youre talking to, cause seriously sometimes the stuff you say just rubs salt on my wound. and as for the skating thing holy crap you have no idea how jealous i am. the fact that you can probably do better ollies than me is killing me. you motivated me so hard im going to go ride my skateboard everyday so i can learn more tricks than you:).

i love you menu. i seriously do, and i really want you to be happy. i trust you and your ability to deal with everything. and i will never judge you, i want you to know that. just be happy, no matter what. thats my favorite thing about you. no matter what, you always came out victorious. you made your own victories. you were always happy, and you always came back. and i admire that about you. i want you to know that i love you as you. you dont have to change, and i never wanted to force anything on you. and i never will. i hope to see you soon, even though it doesnt sound like you want to see me:).

faithfully,

l’aldila

14:06

spanish:) i know you already knew this one, but i had to put it. i hope you get to teach me spanish for the rest of my life as something more than just a friend.

hadi bye.

0 notes

teamkaiforever · 8 years ago

Photo

ONE MORE CHANCE

(requested by anon) Kai Parker x Reader word count : 4 998 summary : Reader has feelings for Kai and tells him but he rejects her which leads her to become a vampire and turn off her humanity just as Kai comes back a new person after the merge. * gif by shelleyhenign

______________________________ “You don’t get it , do you?” said Kai with a little hint of amusement in his voice.”I dont feel emotions , I don’t care or feel anything. Emotions are nothing but a distraction plus I don’t even like you and even if those things werent true - you and me still would never happen. You are just not good enough for me. Why would I chose a human ?” Kai’s words kept echoing in her mind. Having the person you have feelings for turn you down was not something unheard in human history , but doing it the way Kai had done it – her feelings had gotten hurt so badly she wanted it all gone. All the love she felt for him , all the pain - absolutely everything. Her friends didnt know about her feelings for Kai or about what had happened and Y/N didnt plan on letting them know either meaning compelling it away wasn’t an option. So that left her with option number 3 because clearly moving on wasnt going so well either. Becoming a vampire hadn’t been on her bucket list , but it was her only option and she could already hear the lectures from Elena and Caroline. They’d say how lucky she is to be still a human and be able to have a future , kids and a family. But those things just didnt matter to her if she couldnt have them with the person she loved. Kai wasn’t going to change - he will always be the same , so there was no point in waiting for the impossible either. He will always say whatever pops into his head , not caring what his words or actions do to the people around him simply because he had no emotions. Why should she remain a human ? It had been a few days since Christmas and the siphoner had been safely tucked in into Alaric’s apartment on Whitmore campus until Jo was ready to do the merge. All her friends were taking shifts guarding him just in case and that day it was her turn. Y/N sat on the couch , glancing at him every few minutes refusing to go anywhere near him. There was a part of her that was 100% sure she’d pull out that tube from his arm and let him go. What she felt for him was so strong that even after he hurt her , she’d still free him and cross her friends. What the hell was wrong with her ?! "Hey Y/N. How is our comatose patient?” asked Damon handing her a cup with coffee. “He hasn’t caused any trouble , has he ?” "Comatose and no.” she said blankly, taking a sip from her coffee. What kind of a trouble can he cause if he is being unconscious ? "Whats wrong ?” "Nothing. What makes you think something is wrong ?” she wondered , trying to sound as normal as possible. Damon knew her too well not to pick up on her tells not to mention the way he was studying her face made her feel a little nervous. "Because I know you and short answers are not what you do.” said her best friend , lightly rubbing her shoulders. “Usually you dont shut up. Sometimes you are even more annoying than him.” Y/N sighed. “I was just thinking how all my friends are supernaturals and wont age while I will turn into a wrinkled sag in a few short years. Its depressing. And of course there is that time at the corn maze when my human friends were all dying and I couldn’t do anything to help.” "You know if you want me to , I’ll turn you. Even though after that Elena and Caroline will bite my head off.“ said Damon sitting on the couch next to her. Y/N started laughing. “They would wouldn’t they?” "Yeah. Look Y/N , there was a reason we tried to find the cure for Elena.“ he said calmly. “Being a vampire is not all that is cracked out to be and if you make that choice there is no going back.” "I’ve already made the choice Damon. I want this.“ she said serious. “You , Stefan , Elena , Caroline — you guys are not just my friends , you are my family. I love you all more than I can put into words and I cant imagine ever being without any of you. I want us to be together forever.” Damon tucked up his sleeve and bit his wrist. “Well , if you are absolutely sure.” "I am.“ she replied taking his wrist , feeling his blood trickle down her throat for a few moments until she let go. He wiped away some of it from her chin with his thumb , still having doubts about what he had to do next. Y/N was his best friend , one of the few who can put up with him and were always willing to defend him even when he makes huge mistakes. What if turning her into one of them was one of those ? "Promise me , you will explain to Elena thats what you wanted and I didn’t push you into anything?” "You got it.“ she smiled. “Um … could you do it painlessly ?” "Of course , but I have to ask again - are you sure , really really sure ?“ Y/N nodded and a few seconds later Damon broke her neck , letting her lay down on the couch. He went to the kitchen to get a blood bag from the fridge to be ready for her when she wakes up , but somehow he couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong and she hadn’t been completely honest about her reasons. When he came back Tyler was in the room , pulling out the tube with the sedative from Kai’s arm. Not too long after , Tyler was the one laying on the ground unsconcious and the young siphoner regained consciousness. On their way out of the house he stopped pointing at Y/N and glancing at the blood bag on the coffee table. "What is she doing here ?” he asked curious. “Is she sleeping ? Awwh look how cute she is now that she is not talking. I might even like her now.” Kai took a step towards her but Damon pulled him away before the siphoner had figured out Y/N wasn’t breathing and had put two and two together. "Y/N? She was keeping an eye on you and you bored her to death.“ said Damon dragging Kai out the door. "Come on creeper. You want to do the merge , you have a deal to uphold."Not too long after that Y/N woke up , finding a blood bag on the coffee table waiting for her. The girl grabbed it without hesitation and completed the transition noticing Kai wasn’t where he was supposed to be and that this wasn’t the only thing that was off in that moment. "Tyler?” she said getting up and running towards him, checking for pulse. “Oh my God wh-what happened ?!” Her eyes followed the tube in his neck and she pulled it out sitting on the ground next to her lifelong friend. What had happened after Damon had snapped her neck ? Damon. Y/N’s eyes widened and she reached for her phone in her pocket dialling her friend when Tyler groaned and started to wake up. “Hey , are you okay ? What happened ?” “I’m going to kill him.” “Him ? Who ? Kai ?” “No. Damon.” Y/N looked at him with confusion in her eyes. “Damon ? Wha-” “I have to go. I’m sorry Y/N , thank you for pulling that tube out but I have to go now or Liv –” “Y-yeah of course.” Y/N sat on the floor running her fingers through her hair , watching Tyler run out of the apartment when her phone buzzed - DAMON. “What the hell did you do ?” she said answering the phone. “Saved Liz’s life.” he said as if it was obvious. “I take it you completed the transition?” “Yes ? Why ?” she wondered. “Because we have a psychotic siphoner out on the loose. Kai gave me the slip.” he sighed. “Come over at the hospital. I’ll explain everything.” THE NEXT DAY After the merge with Luke , Kai had found himself in a situation he had never thought he’d be in. During the merge with his brother he had absorbed not only his ability to do magic but quite a few other things including his empathy. He had spent the entire night after the merge trying to figure out how to process all the emotional pain he felt. Every bad thing he had ever done came back into his mind and her regretted , if not all , at least most of them. Kai had no idea what was happening to him or why there was water pooling in his eyes while he kept writing it all down , including a letter to his twin Jo because for some reason he couldn’t find her. Afterwards he went to Damon to ask for help to deliver the letter to his sister. Kai talked for a while with Damon and Elena and then someone else he had been wanting to see showed up , as if he had wished for it to happen - Y/N , the only person who had shown him some kindness among the Mystic Falls gang. About a week ago she had told him she has feelings for him and he had said some really hurtful things to her and he wanted to make it right. Y/N stopped right at the door when she saw he was there. Kai couldn’t help but smile a little seeing her there though there was something different about her and he couldn’t understand what it was. Her hair had a blue strand mixed with her curls and her outfit nearly knocked him over. Last time they had met Y/N had looked hot , now she looked beyond hot wearing a slightly baggy ripped jeans with sneakers and a plain top. "Oh hey Y/N. I’m so glad you are here.“ he said getting up from the table. "I wanted to talk to you.” "Yeah. No , sorry. I have exams to study for.“ she said with a blank expression. "Can I go grab some of — you know ? Downstairs ?” "Why ? Did you get tired of – ?“ "Y/N, please , I have to tell you something. I am s-” he blinked and she was gone. Kai turned around towards Damon and Elena with a look of confusion on his eyes. “Where did she go ? What – What did you do to her ?” "Haven’t done a thing. Y/N just doesn’t like you. None of us do. Haven’t you taken the hint already?“ said Damon. No. That wasn’t it. Y/N might not have told her friends about the feelings she has for him , but Kai knew this girl couldn’t hate him. It just wasn’t who she was - he had gotten a good sense of her. Y/N was too good for her own good , too kind and too forgiving. Something was wrong. "The blood bag. You turned her.” thought Kai out loud. Why did he feel like his entire world has crashed and burned right this moment? “Why would you do that to her ? Was she hurt or something ?” “Because she asked me to.” said Damon. “Though that backfired. I should’ve seen it coming -” “Backfired ? What do you mean by that ?” interrupted Kai. “Damon. Tell me now or I am not going to help you.” Damon took a sip from his bourbon. “Y/N turned off her humanity and turned into one of the biggest problems I’ve ever had.” said the vampire. “One thing I can’t figure out is why she’d do this right after she turned.” Kai gulped. He knew exactly why - because of him. Another rush of guilt pulled him under at the realisation. There had to be a way for him to fix this and he was going to fix it , no questions about it , but first — “Where is the Ascendant ?” A FEW DAYS LATER Y/N was at the rave at Whitmore, having fun with Caroline who had just turned off her humanity too because of her mother’s death. Both of them had fun dancing and feeding , though Caroline had invoked a rule - no victims so they don’t attract attention. Y/N didn’t care much about that , or about anything really. Only thing she seemed to care about blood. “That guy keeps checking you out.” said Caroline pointing at one of the guys , not too far away from them. “He hadn’t taken his eyes off you the entire night.” “Maybe he is looking at you.” “No , no. It’s definitely you.” “Well then , I better go meet him.” Y/N turned towards her friend with a smile and purple / black veins flashing under her eyes. Slowly she made her way through the crowd until she got to the guy. Her hands automatically hooked around his neck and they started dancing to the beat , almost in perfect sync and then out of the blue he kissed her. It felt weird not feeling a thing while making out with a hot guy like him, well almost nothing until Y/N’s vampirism kicked in feeling his blood pulsating in his veins. “You are not going to make a sound.” she compelled him , sinking her fangs into his neck the next moment. Not too long it felt as if every blood vessel in her head was exploding and she backed away from the guy , having her neck snapped a split second later.A couple of days later Kai convinced Damon to bring him over to Bonnie who had found her way out of the Prison World , so he can apologise to her and after that hadn’t gone well he had started losing hope anyone would ever forgive him for anything. Right before the vampire had pulled him away , Kai had spotted Y/N in the crowd , ditching Damon straight away to get to her. Y/N had looked hot before but now wearing those black boots and those tight black skinny jeans with a white top with a skull like print on it , she looked even hotter. Quite literally taking his breath away the way she jumped up to the beat with a blue strand in her hair dancing around her shoulders. Last thing he wanted to do was cause her anymore pain but he had no other option if he wanted to grab her and find a way to turn her humanity back on — and maybe find a way to reverse her vampirism turning her back into a human. After her body started to drop , he caught her and carried her to his car and then to his apartment , putting a boundary spell around it before cloaking himself and sneaking into Alaric’s apartment to ‘borrow’ some of his vervain supply. A few hours later Y/N woke up tied to a chair with vervain ropes. Her surroundings were unfamiliar but she got an idea where she was when a familiar face popped right in front of her. Of course. Who else would be stupid enough to get the drop on her ? Under other circumstances she probably would’ve rejoiced to have Kai standing barely a metre away from her but not in this moment. There wasn’t a trace of emotion left in her. “What the - ” she wondered , struggling to get herself free, groaning in pain more and more each time as the vervain stung on her skin. "Hi.“ grinned Kai. "If you keep struggling , you will only get yourself hurt , Y/N. I just want us to talk , that’s all and then I will let you go.” "Charming. Do you always tie up the girls you want to talk to ? Or do you do that just to the ones you know can’t stand you?“ "I tried talking to you the other day , remember? You ran off before I had said a word to you.” he said blankly. “So , you are a vampire now. Why would you do that to yourself?” "I had my reasons which do not concern you.“ she replied continuing to struggle against the vervain ropes. Y/N had been a vampire for a few days but already hated vervain more than she thought possible. Kai had tied her ankles to the legs of the chair too making sure she couldn’t move even if she wanted to. "Did you do it because of what I said ?” he asked. "So full of yourself.“ she said a little amused. "Not everything happens because of you Parker. Why don’t you let me go and we can maybe go grab a bite somewhere ?” "Not letting you go until you turn that switch back on.“ "Funny. Why have you taken that upon yourself ? Did Damon roped you into saving his best friend from ‘the biggest mistake she had ever done’ ?” she asked blankly. Seeing Kai like that was different - maybe because she was different or maybe because he had merged and according to the billion messages Damon had left her - he had feelings now. His eyes were filled with worry , sadness and regret. He looked almost broken. "I care about you thats why.“ "You care about me ? Do you even hear yourself ?!” she said incredulous. “I dont feel emotions , I don’t care or feel anything. Your words , not mine.” Kai got up from his chair , going to pour himself some coffee and Y/N used his distraction to pull on the ropes again with all her strength ignoring the pain from the vervain. A few seconds later she was free and quickly she ran towards the door , opening it and bouncing right off it the next moment. "What the hell?!“ she wondered , her hands hitting the invisible barrier over and over , pointlessly trying to get through it. Y/N sighed and turned towards him. Kai was grinning at her while taking a sip from his coffee as if he hadn’t done a thing. A boundary spell. Should’ve known. she thought to herself. "You are not going anywhere sweetheart. Not until we talk and you turn that humanity switch back on.” "I’d rather kill you than talk to you or see you or be in the same room as you.“ she said through gritted teeth , whooshing herself towards him until their bodies were barely an inch from each other. "Let me leave now , or I you die.” "You won’t kill me.“ he said calmly. "Owhh ? Are you counting on my feelings for you to kick in at some point? Because they won’t. They no longer exist and as far as I am concerned neither do you.” she said with a mocking look on her face , seconds before purple black veins flashed under her eyes and her teeth sank into his neck. Kai dropped his coffee on the ground , trying to push her off. Truth to be told he had been expecting that maybe seeing him would get her to flip the switch back on. He had heard multiple times that love is the strongest force there is and blah blah even though he didn’t understand any of it and he hadn’t expected her to actually try and kill him. "Motus.“ he muttered , sending her flying off him almost hitting the wall at the other end of the room. "Dang Y/N , maybe Damon was right. I didn’t want to believe him at first but you have lost everything that made you who you are by flipping that stupid humanity switch. You are not this person.” Y/N wiped his blood of her chin and launched at him again , dropping on the ground with a spectacular witchy headache a split second later. Now she knew why Damon was always in a horrid vengeance mood after those. It felt as if every blood vessel in her head popped all over , healed and popped all over again. “I am going to kill you.” she said through gritted teeth. “No. You won’t.” he said calmly , taking a step towards her. “I am going to get you to flip that switch back on and then I will find a way to reverse what Damon did to you.” “Don’t — waste your t-time.” she struggled to speak. “I don’t n-need fixing.” Y/N kept struggling to get to him and somehow break his concentration but he wouldn’t stop. He placed his hand on his wound healing it with magic wondering who was this person in front of him ? Surely he hadn’t been the nicest person ever , specially to her but — Kai couldn’t stand seeing her like this , though he had to admit her being a vampire how made her even hotter in his eyes than before. He closed his eyes hearing her scream and groan in pain rolling on the ground for a few moments before he stopped the spell and he knelt down next to her , brushing his fingers against her cheek. "You are not this person Y/N. “ said Kai taking a step towards her. "You are kind , caring - ” "Was.“ "You still are.” "No.“ "Please Y/N. I am really sorry about what I said and did that day.” he said gazing into her eyes. They were so cold and empty it broke him in half. “I didn’t see it back then but now I do and I know it is my fault you did this. I was a idiot , the biggest one rejecting you.” "Finally. One thing we can agree on.“ she said sitting up and starring at him blankly. There was no way he’d actually think any of this and even if he was , that wont make her flip it back on. Wont change what he made her do or erase all the pain he caused. Y/N leaned in towards him , brushing her palm against his cheek giving him a small smile. For a moment he smiled too , thinking probably somehow he had broken through the tough exterior or at least had made a crack. "You are pathetic.” she pit. “I am bored. Do you hate a deck of cards somewhere?” "Fine then. We do it the hard way.“ he said getting up, breaking her leg in the next moment. "You are going to turn it on now or I will keep breaking and breaking cuz – sweetheart , we both know I am the actual monster here.” Y/N screamed in pain rolling on the ground but before she had had time to heal Kai flicked his wrist and her leg broke on another spot and another. Something in her mind started pushing its way through hearing his words. A flicker of emotion , but she shoved it back where it came from before it had crawled its way out of the black door in her mind. “Turn it on.” “NO.” Kai flicked his wrist again breaking her other leg and her arm. He couldn’t stand what he was doing to her. Every flick of his wrist only added more to the guilt he already felt. What was he even doing ? After all of this there was no way she’d forgive him , ever. “Keep breaking Parker.” she started laughing. “It will be even more satisfying when I get to rip your head off after that.” “You are the best thing that has come into my life and I was so blind not seeing it back then. I can’t live with the guilt of everything I did to you.” his voice breaking. “I didn’t even know guilt can drown you without actually drowning you. It keeps me up at night -” Y/N wasn’t listening. Instead she was running scenarios in her head on how she’d get her revenge after that , not caring that would mean Liv’s death or Jo’s death. Not giving a damn about how Alaric would react to losing his future wife and his unborn twinsies. Not caring what Tyler would do to her if his girl dies. Kai knelt down on the ground next to her , studying her face. His eyes were so different in that moment - filled with tears, pain and regret. “Kill me.” he dared her, stopping the spell. “Come on. Kill me.” Y/N caught her breath laying on the ground. “You are bluffing.” “Rip my heart out.” he dared her again getting on top of her , placing her hand on his chest. “Put me out of my misery because I can’t live another second with the guilt about everything that I’ve done to you. Or to Jo or Liv. Or even Bonnie.” Kai’s heart was racing so fast it felt as if it was trying to leap out of his chest and then a tear rolled down his cheek which he completely ignored. Their eyes were locked on each other and none of them was willing to look away from the other. “No.” she shook her head, pulling her hand away from his chest. “No , you deserve to live with it eating you away for the rest of your pat-” Kai didn’t let her finish. There was one thing left for him to try , hoping that maybe it would get her to turn her humanity back on. He pinned her hands on either side of her head and his lips crashed against hers , hungry and demanding , pulling the air out of her lungs. At first she struggled trying to push him off her which only made him kiss her harder until she stopped struggling and returned the kiss. His grip on her hands loosened and she tangled her fingers in his hair , both of them moaning into the kiss until Kai pulled away , resting his forehead on hers. “I should’ve started with that.” he said out of breath , gazing into her eyes. “Please tell me it worked.” His heart was racing faster than ever , still feeling her lips on his. Y/N just stared at him and a few tears rolled down her temples. “Get off me. Now.” Kai’s face darkened but he did as she asked , rolling onto the ground next to her. He had hoped this would flip the switch , he hoped it had flipped it back considering how she had kissed him back. How it was possible that it hadn’t worked ?! “What did I do?” she muttered , covering her face with her hands. “Oh my God what did I do?” “Y/N?” he turned towards her. “What are you talking about ? Hey , talk to me.” Y/N shook her head refusing to say a word and then it hit him - her switch had flipped back on and every emotion had came rushing into her mind. Kai removed her hands from her face , pulling her into his embrace. He knew exactly how she felt in that moment because he had experienced the same thing a few days ago. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry Y/N. It’s all my fault. I was an idiot , I am an idiot who hurt you so many times and led you to do that to yourself , but I am going to fix it. I promise. I will find a way to fix everything.” said Kai , kissing her forehead. “I am so sorry and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I need you to give me one more chance to make things right.” Y/N’s mind was racing like crazy - what was she thinking becoming a vampire. Turning off her humanity and shutting out everything that made her who she was ?! All those people she hurt , the ones who got killed because she couldn’t handle rejection. Tears were streaming down her face so fast it was pointless to try and stop them. “I know you hate me and you have every right to… I will spend every day until the rest of my life trying to make up for everything.” Kai waited for her to say something , to stop crying holding her tightly towards him. Slowly rocking back and forth trying to calm her down. “I bit you. Oh my God , I bit you..” her hands covered her face. “All the things I said. Everything I did.” “It’s okay. It wasn’t you , I know it wasn’t” “I am so sorry.” she cried turning towards him. Kai was crying too. “Does that mean you w-will you give me one more chance? I promise I will find out a way to make you a human again and — maybe we can have a future – together. ” he wondered , wiping away a few tears from her cheeks. "Y-you want me to be a human ?” she said through tears. “But you said -” "I was so blind and ignorant , not realising what I had until I lost it. Please Y/N , give me one more chance. Just one.“ he pleaded. Y/N smiled at him. "One more chance. D-don’t screw it up Malachai.” Kai grinned at her , usually he’d have other reaction to people calling him by his full name but not with her. He loved the way it had rolled off her tongue , like its the most special thing in the world to her. "Wouldn’t dream of it.“ replied Kai , kissing her again.

MASTERLIST - SMUT MASTERLIST - FLUFF

211 notes · View notes

syxjaewon · 8 years ago

Note

I would like to instead request all the texts...... okbye

Send “✆” for a MORNING text. [ tx; catwoman ] hope ur having a fantastic morning on kavasch we’ve already pulled away from the planet and left u [ tx; catwoman ] that’s what happens when u dONT STICK TO THE FUCKING CURFEW [ tx; catwoman ] enjoy dealing with those assholes u stole 5000000 units from im sure theyre not literally abt to knock on the door to ur hotel :)

Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT. [tx; catwoman ] being with you makes me want to die [tx; catwoman ] i swear to god i hate this i hate us together but seeing anyone else with you makes me a little insane and i just can’t get to you, i can’t get the need for you out of my fucking head [tx; catwoman ] maybe if i drill a hole through my goddamn skull–

Send “☎” for a RUSHED text. [ tx; catwoman ] GET ON THE GODDAMN SHIP SORA [ tx; catwoman ] IDC IF UR NAKED [ tx; catwoman ] WE’RE LEAVING

Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text. [ tx; catwoman ] u dirve me craczy [ tx; catwoman ] liee up th e fuckking wal [ tx; catwoman ] i shouldb t have said that nowi cagnt stopp thingking about walss and kfuckin [ tx; catwoman ] thisi s how crayz u make me

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text. [ tx; catwoman ] the next time you come into my bedroom wearing a robe like that, i wont let u leave so easily

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text. [ tx; catwoman ] can u please fuck jaehyung A LITTLE BIT QUIETER FOR FUCKS SAKE [ tx; catwoman ] the whole damn ship can hear u

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text. [ tx; catwoman ] u want off the boat so badly, then bye [ tx; catwoman ] the door isnt locked and i’m /sure/ no one still remembers what u stole or how u made fools of them all [ tx; catwoman ] cuz its not like i risked my ass and this ship to fucking save u [ tx; catwoman ] why doesnt that mean anything to u

Send “#” for a RANDOM text. [ tx; catwoman ] u left ur underwear on my floor [ tx; catwoman ] tell me that wasn’t intentional…

Send “@” for a SCARED text. [ tx; catwoman ] dont go anywhere ok i’m coming to get u [ tx; catwoman ] dont say anything dont move dont breathe dont try to run, they’ll catch u [ tx; catwoman ] just fucking stay still until i can bring around the ship ok i will get u out of there i swear to god i’m on my way

Send “&” for a LOVING text. [ tx; catwoman ] no okay? [ tx; catwoman ] i dont want you to go [ tx; catwoman ] but i dont want u to be miserable either [ tx; catwoman ] just [ tx; catwoman ] stay please? [ tx; catwoman ] stay with me

Send “%” for a CURIOUS text. [ tx; catwoman ] not to pry but [ tx; catwoman ] my first mate cant focus w/ u here [ tx; catwoman ] i didnt mean to ever ask u this [ tx; catwoman ] but what the fuck is it between the two of you?????

Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text. [ tx; catwoman ] *spams her 280 selfies of himself wearing an old cowboy hat he’s found in some dusty, nowhere town*

Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text. [ tx; catwoman ] sometimes i do want to kiss her but im pretty sure she would poison me for it [ tx; catwoman ] she’s gorgeous in that venus flytrap kind of way. we disturb each other chemically, somehow- it’s madness [ tx; catwoman ] WHICH IS OF COURSE MY FAVORITE LINES FROM THAT ONE MOVIE I LOVE [ tx; catwoman ] hi sora sorry abt those last message, they werent abt u [ tx; catwoman ] or for u [ tx; catwoman ] or anything to do with you goodnight

Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text. [ tx; catwoman ] yknow i still remember when we first met? i remember seeing u run like a shooting star across the sky; u were all bright edges and fire and pure drive and intuition, and im pretty sure i’d never seen anything as amazing as you, as beautiful as you, but at the same time i kind of realized that they couldnt catch you, the men giving chase [ tx; catwoman ] like no one could ever catch you [ tx; catwoman ] and i’d never be able to catch you either [ tx; catwoman ] would i?

#v13sora #| the interstellar space between us ( might not be so far ) |#goodbye my soul has left my body #lordy this was hard bc he's so lowkey with her ugh

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foreheadface · 8 years ago

Text

sorry sorry i just have to get this out

and you know what scares me more than people is people thinking im really weird because of my disability or i make them uncomfortable because of my self-deprecating jokes or the cancer thing or etc? and AR has such shit transportation so if someone wants to hang out with me like last semester i wont be able to do it because i can't drive and i don't expect anybody to waste gas money to pick me up bc also who even am i and i just

*breath*

what if i fail at talking and i just i know i'ts not like going there TOMORROW but ii feel like i've already destroyed so many relationships in the past like 5 years i don't know if i can even handle it???

i feel burnt out and hurt all the time, all over again and its this same sinking feeling i've felt for like the last 5 years and i just feel like everyone's moving on but me and i've just stopped.

like sometimes i'll just stare at the wall and pretend that i'm someone else because i don't know... being me just really really sucks??? or at least i think it does??

i started crying like last.... week? i think?? and mom asked if i need to talk to a therapist but i said no.. because i honestly don't even think that will even help??? because like what will that even solve? it won't change the fact that i'm basically alone all the freaking time. or that i can't, like, leave this godforsaken house alone because i'm blind and can't remember anything as everyone so loves to tell me over and over because of a stroke and what if i can't find my way back home if i did leave by myself? theres just no point.

like i remember doctors and my mother and lots of other ppl saying that im a fighter and i can get through anything but... i just don’t feel like there’s any point in fighting back?

is that what hopelessness is? am i depressed?

like... its not like i want to hurt myself or anything... im not wanting to die. i just feel like i'm sand on a beach and i want life to pass over me like water because i dont think theres anything i can do about it???

i want to go out and do things. draw landscapes. learn things. write about people. meet other humans. have a conversation. change the world. change what people perceive about b/vi disabled ppl but i dont have the means to even do that. like there's no way and (at least where i like) b/vi kids get out of high school, maybe go to college, but then they just sit on their ass in their house bc they can't go anywhere and accumulate an ssi check a month (although the repubes are trying to get rid of that so thanks, trump) or they start working for dsb (a division of dhs) and thats cool and all but they kinda suck and can't really help anyone without that person knowing what they need so ppl who just became blind/vi dont even know what to do and I JUST.

both scenarios terrify me.

i guess that's why i like Lamiroir from AA so much as a fictional character because she lost EVERYTHING.

first her husband and (she believed) her first CHILD BURN TO DEATH IN A HORRIBLE FIRE DURING A KINGDOM OVERTHROW IN THIS FOREIGN COUNTRY then, she gets remarried (now at acceptance in her grief with all the trauma of the past) AND SHE GETS SHOT IN THE HEAD (in her occipital lobe, im assuming because thats vision. i am an expert) BY HER NEW HUSBAND AND HIS FRIEND AND LIVES and her father ships her off to a fucking foreign country where she sings in restaurants as a career (i wonder if she learned braille in Borginia??? hmmm new hc) AND SHE FUCKING MAKES IT.

Thalassa makes it and consequently makes a living off of something she loves. i just... i don't hear about that a lot. successful b/vi people (at least in AR, like what... we’re like the third poorest state???) and it depresses me even more.

the two other girls in my senior class both have kids now and thats usually what happens to blind women that graduate from that school.

or, they get a degree and they start working at the very school they graduated from. which is nice i guess but... it sort of made me feel like... they've never been anywhere but at the Blind School.

and... doesn't really relate but this relates to the "i destroy every meaningful relationship i've ever had" and the "giving up/ giving in" thing... i've starting to think that... maybe i'm the problem.

i mean... i guess i've had issues with friends all throughout my life. i changed schools 4 times in elementary school, and one of those was because of bullying.

i've never really felt like i belonged in a group. the only time i did was right before i got leukemia and right before that everyone was acting weird.... almost like... none of them really... liked me..??

and i dunno... i guess i just haven't ever met the ppl i really click with in college yet but i'm starting to think that maybe i'm the one who’s toxic? or a bomb or... something.

i write about people all the time in meaningful relationships and i guess they're just daydreams and words but when i get to certain parts i stop because “is this really how ppl would act in this situation?” i don't know. i don't know any ppl to talk to to see.

if you've been on my blog this past week, you'll probably already know that i was hanging out with/camping with my dad and his girlfriend.

and that was.... weird, to say the least...

like, she's kinda... weird... but she's nice and i have no right to judge her. i mean i don't even know her that well. and she doesn't have a driver's licensee anymore so we rode around in cabs all day which is kinda my future. she also talked badly abt stevie (which i mean is understandable bc my brother has major issues w/ dad and literally acts like an ass everytime he’s around him) but that kinda pissed me off- still kinda does... because she doesn’t know him and she doesn’t know the shit my dad hhas done. To all of us. like its not even her place to ever hate stevie for anyway he acts bc she has no fucking clue what happened b4 she met my dad.

BUT ANYWAY this lady like has massive anxiety too abt like ppl and like doesn't go anywhere either a lot. but ANYWAY where was i going with this? smh

IM JUST SCARED OKAY IM SCARED ABOUT SO MANY THINGS

*sigh* its 12:48 whoops srry srry

#if you managed to read through this post i'll give you piece of my soul #if you didn't thats cool too #i just need to organize my weird thoughts #anastacia actually blogs #tw: cancer mention #tw: blindness mention #tw: potential depression? i don't even know what to call this #i just i-i'm sorry #super long #just #im not even going to read over this for grammar errors okay #is that ok with you #anastacia screams into the void #actually #anastacia SCREECHES into the void

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