fluffyseal322

[fluffyseal322]

Hi secret diary, im back >~< :p how have i been feeling? Well first im on here to say what i want to be is someone’s favorite creator 🥹 I want to live my life towards the ocean, take that as you will. Make friends, learn a piece of life, and do or be what you will from it. Right now I am only online because I feel like im alone and in my room but the loneliness is nice I don’t like going out and doing much things unless it involves going to my “paid hobby.” 🩵 but lately I’ve been feeling like stuck in direction. I love the life im living but what can I do with it? I don’t mind being at home at all I just need a schedule. Oh and plus im going to meet a friend I’ve known for 3 years in New York over October. so that’ll be fun. im going to dress is nice clothing and stuff. So I can take pictures. In the mean while… I’ll just post pictures of me and things that I like. Maybe I will persue a marine biologist job that I like. God has a plan for me and he gave me this job knowing I’d absolutely love it.

[fluffyseal322]

“Relearn your value by not abandoning yourself anymore. Not for love. Not for attention. Not for anything. You’re valuable because you exist. You relearn your value by treating yourself like you matter before anyone else proves it.”

Learning what disrespect is:

Disrespect doesn’t mean you’re not worthy— it means someone couldn’t meet you at your level.

Disrespect can look like:

Confusing communication

Hot and cold behavior

Dismissing your emotions

Making you feel “too much” or “not enough”

You know it’s disrespect if it shrinks you or makes you doubt your worth more than it makes me feel loved. It’s okay to walk away quietly. That’s dignity. That’s power.

Ive been questioning how I can stay on a path I choose for myself. Here’s what to ponder about:

“How can I grow from here?”

By taking one gentle, intentional step at a time:

Start a journal just for you— write your pain, your hopes, and your truth.

Create a “soul space” each week — 30 mins to reflect, breathe, or just be.

Let go of needing to be strong all the time. Growth is messy. Crying is sacred. You’re allowed.

Growth isn’t about fixing yourself, it’s about coming back to yourself.

—————————

“How can I keep myself motivated?”

Remind yourself: you’re not doing this just to get over something. You’re doing this to become everything you were meant to be.

Set small goals rooted in self-love, not pressure.

Surround yourself with words, people, and music that feel like truth to my soul.

Track progress in feelings— not just achievement. “I stood up for myself today” “I chose peace today”

Even one deep breath instead of self-blame is motivation. That’s momentum.

—————————————————————————————

“Who am I?”

You are a soul in bloom.

You are softness wrapped in strength

You are someone who wants real love, not crumbs.

You are someone brave enough to ask hard questions and tender enough to still want love, even after pain.

You are becoming

And that’s more than enough.

[fluffyseal322]

My dating baseline

For when I’m ready to open my heart again…

Im not just looking for a partner. I’m looking for peace. For presence. For something sacred.

I must feel safe. Softness can only bloom where safety lives. If I have to put armor on, it’s not for me.

My inner world must be respected. I think deeply, I feel everything. I watch and I listen. I want someone who honors that— not someone who misunderstands my sensitivity as weakness.

Our energies must align. I am not here to chase or force, if it is meant to flow it won’t make me feel anxious or unsure. It will feel like breathing.

I want clarity, not confusion. I’ve outgrown guessing games, choose me on purpose. Communicate with intention. Let your actions match your words.

See my soul, not just my surface. Compliments fade. But curiosity for who I really am? that lasts. Admire my kindness, my intensity, my mind. That’s how I know it’s real.

Be on the path too. I’m not looking for perfect. I’m looking for aware. Someone who’s growing. Healing. Showing up. Someone who takes responsibility for their impact.

Love should lighten me, not weigh me down. When I leave your presence, I want to feel lighter. More seen. More steady. More me.

My spirit will know. I trust the quiet feeling that something is good for my soul. Not rushed. Not forced. Just… right.

This is my baseline. I won’t accept less than sacred.

[fluffyseal322]

I like trees.

Trees turned bad memories into happy memories.

When I was scared, I went to my tree and it stayed until I wasn’t anymore.

No matter how much trouble I went through to get to it.

It was my only form of comfort in this world.

And when I finally get to it…

They’re so tall and everything looks brighter up there.

I like climbing trees.

I like sitting on them.

I like that they’re always there.

But life never feels right whenever they’re not.

Trees let me hug them.

When I’m crying.

They let me sit with them.

They never pushed me away.

Life with you is life with my tree again.

[fluffyseal322]

I like spring because it reminds me of me.

She’s so full of life and radiates energy.

She wants to invite more good things.

Everything comes out more.

More flowers come out.

Things reborn.

Everything’s happy.

It’s similar to Christmas. You know?

That’s what I feel right now.

Everything is going so well.

I’ve learned new things about my life.

I’ve adapted.

I’m growing.

I’m still learning.

It’s the beginning of spring.

God’s promises are coming.

Thank you. Amen.

—

March 15, 2025. I went on a walk.

[fluffyseal322]

im so glad it’s almost spring ☺️

[fluffyseal322]

I am not meant for casual love. I was born for soul consuming love and obsession.

[fluffyseal322]

“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.”

— Unknown

[fluffyseal322]

Take me back to when i was happiest

Life felt so much brighter but then.. my light slowly faded away when he met his "lover." i still remember the story ...

[fluffyseal322]

hi Aaron.. :3 again. maybe this time isn’t so bad. I’m so happy I get to enjoy my 2 days of a weekend with you. I’m sorry I put you through so much the last weekend. The fact that you stayed through it all means so much to me. I’m so happy you didn’t block me even when part of me wanted to make sure I wasn’t blocked while holding on the feeling that I didn’t care because I promised myself I wouldn’t. My favorite moment of today was when you corrected my behavior in the most maturest way. I want to be yours so badly, I want to give all of myself to you so that you can please me all around, mind, soul, and physically. If I give my life to him I’m sure that he will nurture it, he’s still human so he’ll have his flaws that I can’t hold against him. But, all around I know he’s a good person and that he means well. I love the way he treats me but I’ll keep telling him “I love the way you show your love.” I also love the way that I need love fits perfectly in the way that you show it. It’s like your wants sees my needs. I need protection and a role model, and someone who attentive. When I act out, you’ll put be back in my place in the most assertive and loving way. I’m still not at my highest potential but I am capable of learning, and healing. Everytime I’m around him, it feels like I’m looking at life in a clear, comforting and protective bubble. I like the space he puts me in every interaction I have with him. He makes all things seem possible through by eyes and because I love him, I trust his judgement.

[fluffyseal322]

God, I love her so much 🥺

[fluffyseal322]

She grew flowers at the core of my soul, the part that gave me a reason to stay alive.

“When I met you, flowers started growing in the darkest parts of my mind.”

— Unkown

[fluffyseal322]

Everything he says is all just talk, he says i have every right to be upset and if i needed someone he’s here for me and that i could walk into his door whenever i want BUT HE WASNT READY. HES JUST A STUPID LIAR. if i walk into his door right now, i for sure know he will just threaten his own girlfriend with a restraining order. This relationship is just disappointment after disappointment. he isn’t ready for anything serious, he just wants the company. He doesn’t actually want to be with me for all that i am. He’ll take the relationship privilege but not the relationship responsibilities. he doesn’t even know how to keep his word. He doesn’t know how not leave when things are tough. He’ll just kick you out. He’ll leave you crying, he won’t care. Anytime he sees a tear or hear sadness in the voice, he’ll panic. How unreliable. You are not deserving of my love. You will never be.

HOW CAN HE SAY THAT WHAT I AM TELLING HIM IS HURTING HIM WHILE IM EXPLAINING MY OWN HURT. HES NOT MAN ENOUGH TO HEAR THE TRUTH. I thought men are supposed to be protectors. He can’t even protect my own emotions and feelings. What a pussy.

You think happiness can come so easily, it’s only been two days. You haven’t made up for anything or gave me a reason why i should trust you again. You showed me nothing but lies. Yes i enjoyed times that i had with you but it’s just little bits and pieces of lies and deception that im picking up on that i don’t get. There is no point in lying. I don’t get what the reason for you to lie is. Of course im still holding on to the past, you expect me to just let it go???!! And things will be fine? NO. why are you even questioning that. my detachment is just as strong as my attachment. You’ve never dated a girl who was so full of love. You shouldn’t have purposely hurt me the first time. You knew you were depressed and that you weren’t okay, WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT. ALONG WITH YOU HAVING COMMITMENT ISSUES THAT YOU SO HAPPENED TO NOTICE AFTER THE BREAK UP. U TOLD ME NONE OF IT, yet you got upset at me for not telling you I had bpd before. I don’t get it. How hypocritical can you get. Of course I blame you because you are the reason I got hurt and you inviting me back into your life and telling me that you’re here for me is so convincing, of course I would stay. Despite knowing that you hurt me. I was willing to believe that you’ve changed. But you can only hold onto your false personality for so long. nice try.

It only took 2 days for you to break out of character. You’re so fake and full of lies and deception. Change? This is was only temporary just so that you could get what you wanted. Your issues are still there and you talk so much commitment for a guy who admits to commitment issues a few weeks ago. Yeah, your sought out god but I know mental stuff like that takes time to unlearn. What type of mental therapy have you sought out to fix this. Change? Change for what? You think you’re ready for a relationship because you sought out god? No it takes more effort to change your bad ways than you think. This shit isn’t just drink water and open your bible overnight. Getting better mentally and unlearning trauma is way harder than you think, in case you didn’t know. Idk who you’re fooling.

[fluffyseal322]

Which direction do I want to lean towards? A simple life seems easiest but a “hard work pays off” life seems more fulfilling. I just want to be okay and I know I’m extremely codependent currently and I know it can be very bad and draining if I do not heal properly. I want to be able to love where if my life were to depend on them, it feels safe doing so. everytime I calculate the scenarios, it just sends my brain into overdrive and I feel like every part of me wants to shut down and sleep and not wake up. Everything is too hard and yes I know it won’t get any easier but at my current state I can’t make sense of anything on my own. I feel so happy with him, he’s so funny and charming and he looks at me with so much love…. At least it seems so but because he gives me the same look as he did before I can’t tell if what he’s doing is real or fake. I hate love out of confusion. I know right now if I were to just focus on this picture and see it as new, everything will seem fine! BUT if I look at the whole picture even the most simplest and innocent things can feel bad because it has happened before. A recognizable pattern can be triggering, it can be scary. I just don’t know how I can trust him …. I think I just need time! It’s only been 3 days (Since Friday). I want to feel okay and I want my world to seem less fragile like if I touch or mess with one singular moment of life, everything won’t topple over me all at once. I want to feel safe enough to go outside and feel safe enough to find my identity once more. I hate having to heal because I gave too much of myself away but I hope that if it’s with him, it won’t have to be this way ever again. Regardless of how he’s treated me in the past, I did love him and I still have pure love for him. For his good and bad sides. But the way that I accept love now is learned fearfulness trying to unlearn itself. How can I unlearn pure fear of love?

[fluffyseal322]

2025 vision board

[fluffyseal322]

– Ocean Vuong, "Theology"

[fluffyseal322]

My last relationship did a number on me. I’m still picking up the pieces and figure out who i am without that person.