#snd i cant make people want to hang out with me. i need to stop associating and seeing posts from these people who make me upset to see

[burnthybread]

hauuggghhh

[notahorseindisguise]

ive realised im shitting on america, really really hard and i need to apologize for it. because even though the people ive been hanging out with are far from like, patriots. its really unfair how mean ive been being. like if i was showing them around australia and i asked like "is aus better than america?" and the they were like "oh no america is a million times better." im not a patriot but that would hurt a lot. theyre showing me their hometown snd the place they grew up in, theyre allowed to shit on it but ive been being really rude snd i cant believe it because i would be getting pissed if it happened to me snd thats unfair

but then the thing is also it goes a level deeper because i am really really enjoying my time here. it isnt better than australia, but it isnt worse, its just so different. and im having a shit load of fun. the real reason why im shitting so hard on america is because im here all on my own, like yes im hanging eith friends but im still required to take care of myself by myself and thats really really scary. and because here im all alone, and thats scaring me, i dont want to show that weakness. and so im turning the fear into indignity..because being scared makes me seem small. but being all high snd mighty about my country being better makes me seem big and makes everyone else seem small. and i need to stop doing that, because, like i said, its unfair. anyway. so just something little for me to work on

[discordian-ships]

Hmmmmmm

[meowmeowmentalillness]

Itfeels really nice that shecarss about me or at keast seems to. Injst want to be in lvoe again so badand that sojnds general but i dont wanttto love anyone bht her. Sheseverything i could ever want snd i feel so desperste and dumb bht i need her, even if shes just my frjend. I lvod her so much and shes hinestly keepinf me alive st this point, nothinf and noone wlse gives md more of a drve to live than her and tht feels sof cuking pathetic bt its fucking true and i fucking hate myself. Im not important and i neber was but she made me feel so nics and loving her feels so fucking aamazing. It gives ms something to look forward to sveryday and somethinf to think about other than the usual of planning out my eventualsuicide. Itfeels so creepy bht it makes me happy to hang iut with her and talk to her. When shes happyi feek happy even if i get sad sometimes. I wishi could go back and shitmyfucking mouth and listen to people and do things right and stop being a fucking idiot. Im such a terrible asshole and peopeltold me but im oblivious and stupid. People should leave me and hate me and she should ahte me bht she doesnt and she hasnt left me and it makes me happy. Noone else talks to me as consistently ss she does even if its nkt the same as before. Shes sofcukcing perfect and i feelso bad for relying on her bht i lkve her so muchz shes all i have besides s my fuckcing dogwhk i love very much. I jst want to sleepnwith her and talk to her all nigt about anything shes willing to tslk about and play games and feel ok. I wish tomorrow wasnt thanksgiving so i could killmyself tonight and not feel guilty about ruininf everything for everyone. I just want to feel today and yesterday over and over again and i want to feel how happy they made me in some moments over and over again and everything and i just want to be happy. I only want to be happy and i want to make her and my dog happy ans thats all i want. I dont want much other than that. And i cant even have that.Im glad sheralks to me even if itsannoying for her, it makes me haopythat she cares enough to deakwith me.

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 260618

hi can i pls get some advice from all you intellectuals out there? i’ll try to be short

ok so im a chinese adoptee with a white family except for my lil sis but i dont think she’s woken up yet and i dont blame her i mean sure ive always been into social justixe but it took me 17 years to PERSONALLY wake up if u get what i mean

anyways im together with a white and it bothers me so much its not healthy at all at this point. and i cant stop thinking abt the fact that they’re white. everytime i see a white-poc couple i think the poc is internalized racist but then there’s me too and i HATE that. its enough with having a white family okay??? i know what the fuck you’re all thinking about us adoptees and i absolutely HATE it. if i was single today i’d never date a white but i got together with them before my identity crisis and the fact that they’ve been with me despoten all my fucked up breakdowns and shit is.... touching. they know me better than anyone. unlike my parents they are socially aware about politics and they’re the only person i feel like i can rant to (except for poc online). we’ve been through so much and its such a disgusting thing to say but i got abandonment issues and im just so fkn scared of being alone and never find anyone else who loves me/knows me.

i rly should break up cus im not even sure im in love... its just. fuCK im so lonely an asocial. i dont have any friends, i dont hang out with anyone and i cant really blame anyone but myself. i dont go out and meet people, i dont reply to potential friends messages i DONT KNOW WHY. all i do is sleep and eat junk food and watch kpop or smth.

this is such a mess tbh. i have no idea why im not breaking up. is it cus of guilt? is it bc im afraid to be alone? im not even sexually attracted to them anymore. everything has changed but if i were o break up i’d never be able to cuddle them if we break up. or just sleep together. or make sushi or travel or anything. i obviously like them, i just dont know if im in love anymore

can i really live like this for the rest of my life? it feels like i could cus im so fucking desperate and pathetic. i’ve done it before. i didnt realize it back then cus i was like 14 but yeah i was together with this dude until i met my ex-bff and i didnt feel lonely anymore or like i needed him. its so horrible cus i KNOW this is wrong... its like im waiting for the right opportunity to break up. back then i blamed it on the distance (lived in different cities). and its like im waiting for smth i can blame it on. ive thought about when we go to different colleges snd stuff like that

do you hear how fkd up this sounds??? im just so scared of getting depressed if i were to break up. i’ve already had my lowest point in life but im scared of going back. im not diagnosed with depression or anything and im too lazy to call a therpaist to talk to but i know that this is wrong, like this is NOT what i was like 3 years ago and the recent events ove been though csn support it too

you dont know how much i’ve struggled with my isentity. i’ve been thinking about cutting off ny whole white family and force myself into becoming independant. but wtf, that wont solve anything. that wont solve my lonliness. that wont make me feel more chinese, than will only make myself lonlier.

@ 13 year old me. i dont even have any friends anymore but obvs cus i got issues too lmao. abt the white partner.... i cant stop thinking abt this and it bothers me so much cus i cry at least once a day for being surrounded by all whites (family too). everytime i see a white-poc couple i think the poc is internalized racist but then there’s me too. if i was single today i’d never date a white... but im not single and i havent been for years now.

i rly should break up cus im not even sure im in love... at this point im just so scared of being lonely cus wow im such a disgusting human being with big abandonment issues. idk, theyre closer to me than my white family will ever be. i can rant to them how much i want but when the white jumps out or im aware of what we look like i get so fkn sad. i also rly want my children to look like me lmao if they're white im literally gonna kill myself.

this is such a mess tbh. im not even sure im in love. i have no idea why im not breaking up. is it cus of guilt? is it bc im afraid to be alone? im not even sexually attracted to them anymore. everything has changed but fick theyre the only one who undersyabd me. ghey undersyand me better than i do (not racism and sit obviously). i wont be able to cuddle them if we break up. or just sleep together. or make sushi or travel or anything