#might delete this later but i also might not because my irritation and rage is real and i shouldnt have to so constantly discard it

[vaguenotions]

Oh, yes, I just love your unannounced sleepover where you both come back from the bar after carefully avoiding telling me that's where you were going, and also neglecting to tell me when you'd be home! I definitely do not want to knock you on your ass and take a bat to your dome! That would be rude and unnecessary :)

Oh yes, please do start talking about shit amongst yourselves and make me feel isolated and othered in ny own room! These moments are what I live for, of course. Naturally. Who would ever have any issues with this arrangement at all?

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “The Bucket List”

Two months after breaking up with The Joker, you found out the bad news. You didn’t have a choice but to ask for his help and J didn’t even show up for the meeting. Of course he didn’t care, but now that he heard why you wanted to see him so badly, it might be too late for any amendments.

Part 2: http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/161379886591/the-joker-x-reader-the-bucket-list-part-2

http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/161645099431/the-joker-x-reader-the-bucket-list-part-3

“I’m out of here…” you announce, lifting your bag and taking a few steps towards the door. The Joker doesn’t reply, he just watches you in silence, leaning on the back wall of the master bedroom.

“That’s all you want?” he speaks up in a bitter tone when you are almost out of the quarters.

“Yes, that’s all…” you whisper and don’t turn around, continuing your walk. After a few moments, J wants to add something but gives up when he hears the elevator. He knows you’re already gone.

****************

Things went from worse to worst until both couldn’t take it anymore. You were aware he’d never leave the penthouse so you decided to break it off sooner rather than later. You were actually surprised he didn’t try to stop you when you told him about your decision: after all, he doesn’t like people to leave until he says so. You were determined to continue with the plan even he would have attempt to disagree. But he didn’t. Probably happy to get rid of you in such a timely manner. The Joker must have really hated you if he didn’t bother with any kind of reaction.

Oh, well, serves you right for thinking you meant something to him. Lesson learned.

****************

The first time he got a sign from you was after about 2 months. You called and he didn’t answer. It came through as “unknown number” because you weren’t in his contacts anymore, but he had the digits memorized. After about one hour, he received a text message: “Could you please meet me tonight around 10pm at the corner of Spencer’s and North Avenue? It’s really important. Please…I really need to talk to you.”

J deleted the message, upset you bothered him. For some reason though, he decided to go and see what the hell you wanted. He waited in the shadows behind the apartment building, watching you nervously pacing under the street light. You held a few papers in your hand and seemed distressed.

The Joker regretted coming so he stayed hidden, but didn’t leave. You waited for an hour and it began to rain. He could see you were soaked to the bone, still waiting on the almost deserted sidewalk. He was drenched also and didn’t move. You started to cry when you realized he won’t show up, holding up those papers to your chest. After another half an hour passed, you signaled a cab and one saw you right away. J decided to come out, thinking that if you notice him, he’ll talk to you. If not, oh well…

Of course you got into the taxi and didn’t see him approach. He had the perfect excuse for his indifference and you swore never to get a hold of him again. You bawled all the way back to your house, mad at yourself for being such an idiot. Yet, not too many choices at the time. You erased his phone number from your cell and as soon as you got home you smashed the phone to pieces, crying your eyes out since The Joker didn’t want to at least meet you when you really needed his help for once.

******************

After 7 months, J is in a meeting, planning a heist and some transactions on the black market with his old business partner when the conversation steered towards your absence at the negotiation table. Everyone knew you were gone, but Jasper still ran his mouth.

“That’s too bad about what happened to Y/N, hm? How old is she, 35 ? I hope she makes it… Hard to tell with this kind of stuff…”

Your ex is not excited to hear your name. He would love to blow Jasper’s brains, but he’s still needed.

“Don’t push it,” J growls, annoyed, clenching his jaw.  The guy lifts his hands up in surrender, not having any desire to irritate the Clown Prince of Crime.

“No disrespect, sir, I was just talking without thinking.”

J keeps on marking locations on the map, absent minded.

“So…what happened to her?” he utters, not lifting his eyes from the important project.

“You don’t know?!” Jasper replies, intrigued.

“No,” J simply answers, sniffling.

“Do you really care to find out?” “No… But tell me anyway!”

*** He debated for a week if he should call you or not. When he finally dialed your digits, the flat message made him roll his eyes: “This number has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”

It took J about 3 more weeks to find your whereabouts. You can easily make yourself disappear under fake identities. Thankfully, The Joker has several ways of using his numerous resources when necessary.

********************

Oh, no! you think when you hear the doorbell. You slowly get up from the couch, dizzy from the monthly IV medication dripping in your veins, one of the treatments you do at home. You grab the IV pole, rolling it towards the door. You bought this house outside the city, not wanting to be bothered. No neighbors around. And you didn’t order any food or supplies to be delivered like you usually do.

“Coming!” you announce, holding on to the wall with your free hand. “Who is it?” you inquire before opening the door.

“Pizza delivery,” the muffled voice answers.

“I didn’t order any pizza,” and you crack the door open. “Shit!” you gasp when you see J standing there and you shut the entrance immediately, locking it.

“Really?!” you hear him and you back out, alarmed. Surprisingly, no knocking or pounding.  And it clicks: the sliding glass door on the back porch is opened! You force yourself to walk as fast as you can, difficult since you are hooked to your IV.

“Dammit,” you mumble when you get to the living room and see he already got inside.

“I wasn’t aiming for this reaction,” J frowns, taking a few steps towards you.

“What…what are you doing here?!” you demand to find out since you’re not pleased about his presence. You really don’t need whatever the hell this is right now.

“What’s wrong with you?” he cuts to the chase, not in the mood for chitchatting. Those piercing eyes urge for an explanation.

“Nothing,” you grumble and squeeze the pole harder.

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” he points towards your IV. You sigh, feeling more and more uncomfortable.

“It’s only…only something to slow down the process…”

“What process?” The Joker barks, biting on his cheek.

“The process of me dying too fast,” you serenely admit. He keeps on staring at you, kind of stupefied at how you look: skinny, pale, dark circles under your eyes and he can notice it all since you have no make-up on. Your hair is dark blonde now, still long yet visibly thinned out.

“Nonsense, you’re too young,” he drops on the chair closer to him, crossing his legs.“Who helps you?” he begins another tirade of questions.

“Nobody; I leave alone, away from everyone. I don’t want to be seen like this and I can take care of myself,” you swallow the bitter taste on your tongue, nauseated. All the drugs you take have such awesome side effects. “Is this an interrogation? Because I don’t want to talk nor see anybody. So if you would just leave…” and you nod towards the sliding door he sneaked through.

“Nonsense,” he cuts you off, bouncing his leg on top of the other, impatient. He reaches for the papers scattered on the table in front of him, reading the names of the numerous vials with tablets, capsules and lozenges, aggravated. “Do you have a list of all the stuff you take?”

“Wh-what?! Could you just…just leave please?!” and you gag, almost vomiting, rushing to snatch a container from the kitchen counter with anti-nausea medication. You swallow one tablet with a few sips of water and go sit down on the couch, exhausted. J watches your every move without any comment.

“If you don’t leave I’ll call the cops,” you close your eyes, feeling the room spinning.

“Please do, I would love to tell them who you really are,” he scoffs, rattling some of your pills, amazed on how huge they are. Crap, the police threat didn’t work.

“Go home to your girlfriend and leave me alone,” you encourage him, hoping he’ll get lost.

“Go home to your girlfriend,” he imitates you, giving you a mean glare. “Do I look like a fool in a leash to you?! Don’t insult me! Plus, I hate her!” he snarls, finding what he came for in the documents pile: an inventory of all the things you take for your condition.

“You hate everybody, “ you whisper, biting your dry lips.

“A skill I take a lot of pride in,” he cracks his neck and finally gets up.

“Why are you here?” you tilt your head to the side, fighting to keep your raging sickness under control. “ Where…where were you when I needed you so badly, hm? I asked for a meeting and you didn’t even bother to come…I was scared and seeked your help. How stupid of me…,” you sadly smile and even if you don’t seem to cry, J notices tears rolling down your face. “Of course you are too busy to be bothered with someone so insignificant as your ex that wanted to tell you she found out she’s dying…” you wipe your tears, not breaking eye contact. Him adding to your misery doesn’t aid.

“Shut up, you’re not dying!!! And don’t talk to me like this again!” he growls at you before slamming the sliding door behind him.  

“I AM DYING!!” you yell, taking deep breaths to cool down.  

My God, what in the world was that?!!! Do you have to move now?! You are in no mood to do so, but probably you’ll have to pull yourself together and vanish once more. How did he find you?

******************

You didn’t hear anything from him in a while and you are relieved: probably forgot about his little project involving you and lost interest like he usually does when he gets bored. It’s better this way; you don’t need to be stressed out about more problems, you don’t need your life turned upside down more than it already is.

You are coming back from your weekly check up at the clinic and you notice a black car in your driveway. You groan when you see Frost coming out of the vehicle, waiting for you. No choice but to park next to him and meet him.

“Hi, Y/N.”

“Hi, Frost,” you cautiously greet. “Is J here?”

“No, but boss wanted me to give you this,” and Jonny hands over a sealed box.

“What is this?” you check, curious to hear about it. What is he up to?!

“Mister J says the directions are inside: take one of the red pills three times a day and the blue one just once daily. He also said to stop taking the three meds he crossed over on your med list. All in the box,” Frost blurs out, getting ready to flee. He sure is uncomfortable; knowing you, you’ll certainly decline.

“I don’t want anything from him!” you raise your voice.

He was afraid this will happen.

You place the box on the hood, heading towards the porch.

“I can’t tell him that! Please take it!”

“I don’t know what the hell those pills are and I don’t need his help. Just tell him I said that!”

“He’s not gonna like it…” Frost grumbles.

“So? I want to be left alone!!”

****************

You are getting ready to go to sleep when you hear a loud bang: your front door is being opened and slammed. Must be J…and you are correct.

“Y/N?! Y/N! Where are you?” The Joker shouts, looking around for you.

“Ummm…here,” you get on your knees in bed, covering yourself with the comforter and bracing for the worst.

He storms in your bedroom, holding the box he sent earlier.

“I understand you refuse to take this?” his low voice echoes in the whole house.

“Yes, I don’t want it. Please leave!”

“Do you know what I’ve been doing for the past 3 weeks since I last saw you? Hmmm? Do you?!” he starts unwrapping the seal around the box, tossing it by you. “I broke into 3 research facilities, about 5 hospitals, kidnapped doctors and blackmailed others in exchange for information and treatments. Showed your med list to all of them and they came up with some new options for your disease!” J is so mad he’s slamming all the vials around, taking a red tablet out of one. “Take this!!” he shoves it in your face and you hesitantly move your head backwards.

“It’s a new experimental drug!!“ he roughly grabs your jaw.” I’ll get rid of the stuff you don’t have to take anymore.”

You sniffle, intrigued by his behavior and escape his grasp.

“Why are you tormenting me? Are you that bored? Why don’t you go back to Gotham?” You wipe your forehead, already tired from all this crap. “Do you feel…guilty?” you touch his hand, moving it away. He brings his face very close to yours, panting with indignation:

“I’m fucking buying you more time!! So take this goddamned pill or I’ll force you! I mean it!!”

You sigh, weighting in the options.

“Fine…I’ll take it…Are you happy now?” you reach for the bottle of water on the night stand and swallow the given medication.

“Ecstatic!” J grinds his teeth, vexed. “They told me you should expect nasty side effects, but it will get better.”  

You shrink under the cover.

“Well, I took it, so…you don’t have to be here anymore.”

“Are you kicking me out?” he goes on the other side of the bed, starting to pile up pillows.

“Please go back to Gotham,” you beg, uneasy at the thought of him spending the night.

He stretches, fed up with the conversation, wanting to relax after another long day.

******************

One hour later you started feeling the aftermath of your new drug. You are used with being sick and yet it doesn’t make it easier. You shiver like a leaf, moaning in pain, adding 2 painkillers when the aching becomes unbearable. You try to get comfortable but it’s useless.

“Are you cold?” J asks, moving closer to you. “You…need… anything?” he struggles to offer, not really knowing how to react to the situation. You nod a faint yes, reaching your hands for him:

“Y-you…” the weak response comes, making him scoot over without hesitation. A strange warmness washes all over him, making his heart beat faster and it’s not a pleasant emotion. You curl up in a ball against his body while he covers you with his blanket too.

“J…” you whimper when his arms go around you, “ O-one of these days they’ll find me dead in here. C-can you take my things? I would hate for s-strangers to come in here, stealing what doesn’t belong to them. You know how much I care a-about my things… Y-yes?”

The Joker believes you’re delirious; he was warned about this common side effect of what you’re taking. Maybe you are…

“No, I won’t!” he emphasizes his refusal, inflexible in his decision.

“W-why not?” you lick your dried lips, getting even more upset.

“I only provide my services to people I like. You’re not on the list,” he makes sure to remind you.

“N-nobody’s on the list,” you crack an awkward smile, squinting your eyes when the muscle spasms hit again.

“Exactly,” J acknowledges, wondering how the hell you manage on your own when you are so ill. He caresses your hair and he notices so many strands left around his fingers.

“Jesus, Y/N!“ escapes his mouth before he can stop the words.

“I k-know I should shave my h-head and I just keep on p-postponing,” you tremble, praying you can rest for a little bit. So many sleepless nights, twisted thoughts and therapies took their toll on you.

After about 2 hours you finally fall asleep and he dozes off also, worn out and fighting with himself about what should happen next. J is not sure how long he’s been out, but when he wakes up it’s still dark and you are in his arms. It seems you didn’t move at all and he notices you’re not breathing.

“Hey, hey, Y/N, wake up!” he softly slaps your shoulder and there is no reaction. “Hey! Wake up I said!” he gets up on his elbow, terrified for once. “Open your eyes! Wake up!!!!” he shakes you, feeling he’s starting to sweat from the anxiety.

“Mmmm,” he hears your mumble and you cuddle more to his chest, keeping your hands under his pillow. “What is it?” you whisper, yawning.

He puts his head back on the cushions , truthfully admitting:

“Shit, I thought you died…”

“Not yet…” you calm him down, not wishing to wake up yet. “Go back to sleep, I’m fine…My blood pressure gets really low sometimes, I’m still here…” you kiss the skin in front of your lips, not realizing what you’re doing. You fall back into your dreamless daze while The Joker is unable to do anything else but repeat in his mind the simple sentence you used to let him know you’re still alive: “Not yet.”

*******************

You don’t go to the clinic anymore. A lot of your old meds are not needed according to the new care plan in place for you. New stuff is being added and some doctors are even brought to your house so they can assess you. Tests after tests, trial and error of all the drugs that The King of Gotham is able to smuggle and steal for you. You have such bad days you seriously consider giving up, which was the main idea before he showed up at your home that day.

You have no clue why he’s putting so much effort into it and he gets mad when you fight him, refusing to take your meds.

“Nothing is really working, they make me feel worse!” you sob, having a really bad day while being hooked to your new IV.

“Tough it out, Pumpkin, could be worse,” he grouchily snarls, moving some of your books around.

“You can’t buy me life, it’s too late,” you wail on your couch, depressed and ailing in every single fiber of your body.

“I’m not buying you life, Y/N, I’m buying you time!” J aims towards all the vials, bottles and containers containing the remedies you actually need.

“What does your girlfriend has to say about this? I bet she detests me since you spend so much time here,” you want to mention, blowing your nose in a tissue.

“I told you I hate her so I don’t care about what she thinks!” he barks and shoves the books around when a piece of paper folded in two flies out from one of them and lands on the floor. He picks it up and opens it, reading your note:

Bucket list

-go to Japan

- a family

- see J one last time - no, no, no!!

-meeting my knight in shining armor (he huffs)

-kidnap Commissar Gordon again (he smirks)

-see J one last time – no!!!!!!!!!!

-find out Batsy’s identity (he grins)

-steal more diamonds

-see J one last time - NOOOOO!!!!!!

“What are you doing?!” you jump off the couch when you see the paper in his hand.

“A bucket list Doll ?! Really?” he laughs because he has no better idea of how to get rid of this awful feeling in his heart.

“That’s private, give it back!” you barely drag your feet to go to him and yank the list out of his hand, placing in a drawer. “This is very personal stuff, you have no right to…”

“I do what I want!” he interrupts, giving you a high and mighty gaze. So typical.  

“You can’t just…”

“Tell someone that cares,” he turns his back on you, returning to his task and you sit there with your mouth open, outraged. You forgot to cry. “When are you going to shave your head? The new IV med will really make you lose more hair, that’s what they told me,” The Joker chatters, turning his attention towards you again. “Want me to do it for you? I’ve seen you have the electric hair clipper in the bathroom. Don’t be a chicken and do it!” he distracts you from your tirade.

“I’m not sure if…” you try to negotiate, but I guess he has a new assignment on the horizon. You are conscious you’ve been delaying this forever; your hair is so thin and limp it’s gross.

“Nahhh, I think we should go on with it! No better time than the present!” and he takes your hand, guiding you towards the bathroom while you steadily roll the IV pole with you. “Sit!” he pushes your shoulders down on the chair and brings over the tool, turning it on. You nervously gulp, watching chunks of your locks piling up on the marble flooring.

“Done!” he announces and you touch your bald head, getting up so you can see yourself in the mirror. It looks terrible and you start weeping.

“Ahhh, it’s not that bad kid. You’re still fairly pretty. To be honest, you’re uglier than before but I can still look at you,” J cheerfully concludes.

You elbow him through tears, appalled at your reflection.

“You suck at making people feel better, you know that?”

“Another skill I take great pride in,” he winks, grinding his silver teeth and you cry harder.

“My hair…it’s …just…gone,” you stammer, saddened beyond control, stroking your shaved skin.

He sighs, softly pushing you away from the mirror, still holding the trimmer.

“You know, Princess, I’m starting to get sick of my green hair, I had it for a while,” he passes his fingers through it, turning his head left and right.

“Huh?” you whimper, sniffling.

Before you can react, he turns on the trimmer again, starting to shave his head. You stop bawling, shocked, watching his green locks falling to the ground.

“What are you doing, J?!”

“Isn’t it obvious? Getting rid of something I’m bored with. There, done! Com’ere!” he urges you to return in front of the mirror with him. “I think we look pretty good, won’t you say?” he puckers his lips and you start crying so hard it makes him cringe. “Would you stop it??!! I didn’t do it for you, I’m too selfish. I was really tired of my toxic green hair, got it?”

You nod a yes and hug him, squeezing him in your arms as hard as you can since your IV line doesn’t permit a wide range of motion.

********************

Later that evening

“Are you ready?” he peeks in the bedroom to see you dressed up. “Told you some make-up will do the job, you’re much prettier now. Still not up to my standards, but…”

You walk towards him in your floral summer dress, sulking.

“Horrible person…” you mutter, elbowing him. “Where are we going?”

“I need your help with something and since you didn’t get out of the house in forever, I have plans for today.” “Where are we going?” you insist, stepping outside and observe the silver car on the driveway, probably dropped off by his men because he didn’t have it there this morning.

The Joker gets dresses with his silver jacket, taking a deep breath before laying it down for you:

“The silver jacket is the most I can do for the shiny armor, ok? Plus the car,” and cracks his fingers, a bit uneasy.

You seem puzzled.

“Your stupid bucket list, Doll: the knight in shining armor thing. I’m not wearing a dumb armor, this is the most I’m willing to do.”

You stare at him, speechless, on the verge of crying as he can see your lips quivering.

“Uhhh, give me a break!”  J growls, giving you a nudge towards the car.

******************

“What are we doing at Jasper’s hideout?” you step out of the car, wondering what he has in mind.

“Some business to attend to and I need your help, OK?”

“OK,” you agree, hesitant.

When you both walk in with the new bald looks, everybody at the meeting instantly stops talking and glances, astonished.

“Wha’? “ J guides you to your seats, “You didn’t see two beautiful people before?!” and the tone in his voice makes them all aware they shouldn’t make it so obvious they’re perplexed at the change.

They all start talking in the same time, apologizing and attempting to fix their mistake.

“Shut the hell up!” he addresses the crowd, irked. “Wrong spot, Y/N!” he signals you to get up from your chair and you do as asked, confused. “Here!” he pulls you in his lap and you place your hand around his neck, smiling. “We are negotiating with this fine…gentlemen; I’m too exhausted for this, you do it.”

Wow, they didn’t see you in more than a year and now you show up here with Mister J, back to what you used to do. What’s going on? they all ask themselves, knowing they won’t get an answer.

The Joker rests his head on your shoulder, listening to the sound of your voice resonating in his ears.

He might not be able to buy life for the girl he hates so much, but he can buy her time. As much as he can.

Also read: MASTERLIST

http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

[meet-wolf-blog]

things that make me angry

There was an article on @evrydayfeminism recently that really resonated with me: “8 Lessons That Show How Emotional Labor Defines Women’s Lives”. When I first heard of the concept of Emotional labor a year or so ago, it immediately made so many things clearer for me; but it was that article, with its intimately personal stories that weave together to form a picture of what we’re up against as women, that finally gave me the push I needed to speak out for myself.

Maybe nobody will be interested in my story. That’s okay; I know I’m nobody special. But maybe, just maybe, it will help somebody else see their life in a new light, like Kai Cheng Thom’s text did for me.

So here goes...

three things that make me angry:

I

My first boyfriend didn't rape me; not really. He was two years younger than me, 17 to my 19; that I liked boys who were younger than me might have been one of the reasons I didn't have a proper boyfriend sooner. (My perennial shyness was another one.) Our relationship was a romantic, artsy one; we wrote each other illustrated letters and took long, scenic walks before even kissing for the first time. That was fine with me; I'd always been a slow one.

I was a slow one sexually, too. I'm not going to bore you with a retelling of my first time; suffice to say that while the buildup was romantic and I really wanted it, it left me feeling shaken, insecure and far from satisfied.

But the ice had been broken. Our relationship was now a sexual one. Apparently this included letting my boyfriend touch my genitals whenever we were in bed, and feeling bad for not wanting to have sex whenever he did. I didn't question the idea, unspoken but implied in his behavior, that I was the bad one, the one who let him down, because I wasn't sexual enough. He never said anything, the first few times; he never asked or begged or commanded, but the way he was touching me and rubbing up against me insistently, without paying attention to my lack of reaction, spoke loudly enough. At one point, he started showing his frustration by suddenly sitting up in bed, clasping his knees and shivering with passive-aggressive rage. Of course then I had to comfort him, tell him I was sorry, the works... and more often than not, this ended with me letting him have his way after all, for the sake of peace.

That's not to say that I didn't desire him, or didn't want to have sex at all. I did, but whenever I took the initiative I felt clumsy and pushy, and unlike him I reacted to any sign of discomfort or unwillingness on his part with a caution that bordered on paranoia. So, yes, I guess I was a hard person to please; and yes, much of the blame for that relationship not working out falls on me and my lack of communication skills. But looking back, the implication that I was at fault for not immediately being turned on whenever my boyfriend touched me in a sexual way makes me angry.

II

Not all of my relationships were this sexually frustrating. It still remained a constant, however, that most of my partners put their own pleasure above mine most of the time, ignoring my signals and punishing me emotionally whenever I made my limits clear.

At the same time, I was still a sexual being. I still had needs. I learned to masturbate in secret, when my partners weren't home. I started writing erotica, just for myself; it was my secret sin, and one of my only delights. Most of what I wrote on my laptop, I would delete again in occasional bursts of shame and paranoia. I sometimes wrote by hand as well, though, and some of those texts I kept in a plain manila envelope buried among my personal files.

Yes, that probably means I brought it on myself. Yes, that was patently stupid. Of course, when I broke up with the guy I'd spent three years with, towards the end of which I was so emotionally drained by his constant need for emotional support while getting absolutely nothing in return, -- of course, while I was moving out of our shared place, still trying to get this over without too much of a fight, he went through my things while I was signing the lease for my new place, and found the envelope.

Yes, some of my fantasies were rather kinky. Yes, some of them would have been emphatically Not Okay if I'd ever tried to do anything like this in real life. But I didn't, and never intended to; those were fantasies, and I naively thought you couldn't blame someone for having those.

I was wrong.

Once again, a man managed to convince me that I was wrong for having anything like an independent sexuality. When I came home, he didn't meet me with reproach or anger, at least not on the surface; he looked at me like I was sick, like there must be something deeply wrong with me for writing, even thinking things like that. He asked, with tears in his eyes, if I had considered seeing a therapist. A few breaths later, he told me he didn't think he could look me in the eye ever again, now that he'd seen what was going on in that brain of mine.

And I believed him. I took him seriously, for a while. It took years, and a hefty dose of online feminism, for me to reclaim my right to my own fantasies. I'm angry at myself for falling for this sort of gaslighting. But I'm even angrier for giving in when he bullied me into meeting him again some time later, by telling me he was considering to "go public" with what he'd seen. Angry at myself, once again, for thinking that having read my fantasies meant that he now had power over me; but also angry at a society that nurtures and confirms these beliefs. Angry at the fact that he actually could make my life, if not hell, then at least severely unpleasant by spreading the word about my fantasies, if he tried.

III

I'm thirty-five now. I have two kids and a husband. Every morning, I get up early to get the kids ready for school and kindergarden, while my husband stays in bed. When he does get up, he is invariably irritable and needs me to comfort him, on top of everything else I'm doing. If I  make the mistake of seeming stressed while I do that, that only makes it worse, because then he'll tell me how bad he feels for not being a morning person and not being able to help me, and expects me to console him for feeling bad as well.

That only makes me slightly angry. I know that morningness and eveningness are a thing; I know that our school and kindergarden schedules suck; and you could say I shouldn't have married (or had kids with) a night-owl like him. Fine. What really bothers me, though, is the job situation.

Not the job itself, mind you. It's a good job, and I'm good at it. It doesn't pay too well, but just enough to keep the family afloat. It's not even that I can't rely on my husband contributing, because he does project-based work from home and many of his projects don't work out. That's fine with me, and I've told him. Repeatedly.

What bothers me is that he not only expects me to console him every time one of his projects fails, to reassure him when he doubts himself, to advise him and have an opinion on every aspect of his work so I'll be a good listener when he talks about it for hours on end while not showing the slightest bit of interest in what I'm doing... but the worst thing is, he's aware of all of this, and he knows it's a problem.

Which doesn't mean that he's trying to change any of it, of course. After all, this is just the way he is. No, of course I'm the one who has to deal with it. I have to tell him it's okay, I have to confirm that I love him anyway, for all his flaws. (I do! But if he's suffering from his own flaws so much, why does it feel like I have to do all the work to make him feel better?) I have to make it look like I'm not suffering myself, like my work is never hard ("but you said you love your work!", you know), like I'm never jealous of him being able to sleep so much (I get up early with the kids on weekends, too, because you know he's not a morning person)... because letting any of this show would just make him feel even worse, meaning I would have to put in even more emotional labor to restore the peace. And yes, you could say that's my own private problem. It's a character thing. It's a result of bad choices. And I'd even accept that... if I didn't know I'm not the only one.

This isn't just me or my husband. (Or pretty much all of my boyfriends. Or many of my friends' husbands and boyfriends.) This is a systemic thing. And it makes me angry.

[narcolepticprince]

ooc;

Thought about whether or not to post, but I feel like it would make me feel better if I did.

Angsty stuff I wrote earlier that I really needed to let out below the cut. Feel free to ignore, especially if you’re enjoying A New Empire. You might not want to read it. |’3

I’ll be drowning my emotions in leftover sea salt ice cream and Terraria. Replies on Friday/Saturday. (Got a visitor on Thursday) If you’ve got Steam, let me know so that I can add you~

TL;DR at the bottom.

First off, this is not a post telling you to uninstall or not support the A New Empire. You’re free to do whatever you want. This is just me complaining, and me just letting out why I plan on not supporting the game, even though it’s FFXV and I’d pretty much drop money at the drop of a hat for FFXV.

A New Empire came out and Sharky/Cera ( @captaindrautos ) tells me to download it and join their guild. I do. While I’m playing it, I was like, “Bro, I’m trying to play this game as a player, but my mind keeps reverting to a game developer/designer mind, this UI is horrible, there better be sounds in those buttons I see there because there is no visual response, wtf are all of these icons doing on one page…etc etc etc” I was playing without sound, because I was at my workplace on break and didn’t want to bother the people who were still working. My dev mind was just going off. Brave Exvius was an amazing skin with additions over Brave Frontier, why was this a shitty skin, y’know?

Then all of a sudden, Sharky goes “Ew”. At first I think it’s a joking response to my previous comment. My plan was to name my character “Noctoooooooo” or some shit because it sounded like Ignis/Gladio/Prompto/Regis screaming his name and telling him to get back this instant, a prince shouldn’t be doing those dangerous things, etc.

Me: Ew? Sharky: [name I don’t recognize because I pronounced it weird in my head] worked on this game. Me: Who? Sharky: [my ex’s actual name]. Me: ………….

Sharky posted a guild call on Facebook for A New Empire and my ex commented, “Enjoy the game, we worked hard on it!”

I felt this sense of dread grip my chest, and I’m pretty sure my mind stopped working for like 3 seconds after I read those words and confirmed them myself. I was getting pretty much flashbacks, and not the pretty kind, but I suppressed at the time them because I was at work.

My ex was emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and all my friends seemed to realize it except for me. It took me six months after our breakup to unfollow him from Facebook. It took me another 5-6 to realize the extent of his abuse. Not only was he preventing me from growing as a person, but he turned into a whole different person when we started living together.

He had anger issues. He never hit me, but he would punch walls and furniture and slam doors whenever he was “in a mood”. He broke my 360 controller and a few of my belongings in his rage, but paid me back for them. During my times of depression, if he was frustrated with my behavior (I wanted him to leave me alone, but he kept being in my face, and if you’ve ever seen someone clinically depressed, you know that they need mutual understanding, support, AND/OR space when they ask), I remember that he would often either threaten to leave the lease (rent was like $2200 and I had a monthly income far below that at the time), leave me, or he would hit himself over and over and make me feel guilty because I was the cause of him getting so enraged that he started hitting himself. He made me feel like I was physically abusing him with my behavior, even though he was the one hitting himself. He would make me feel like shit if I didn’t want to hold his hand every time we went out, even after I told him that I personally hate doing PDA and he agreed not to do it all the time, he did it all the fucking time. There were a lot of things that he did that, months later, I realized was abuse.

As we lived together, his small “quirks” that were just quirks to me before became annoyances. Irritations. Before we moved in together, I was considering marrying this guy. Now I saw his true colors, as he became comfortable with me. I always had to be happy. I always had to be perfectly sane. I wasn’t allowed to be depressed, or if I was depressed, I was only allowed to be depressed for a day or two. I wasn’t allowed to have clinical depression.

Which brings me to A New Empire.

I love mobile games, and I am an indie developer myself. I am the type that is willing to drop $100 on microtransactions a month if the game gives me a good time. I have the income to do that. As a developer, I know how much it costs to run those servers and keep up with regular updates to the game. I understand.

It is not my ex’s fault that he got to work on A New Empire. But A New Empire, even though it has a shitty UI and is an obvious clone, is part of the FFXV universe, a universe that I do love. FFXV helped me out of some rough patches. The fact that my ex had a hand in creating this excuse of a mobile game in one of my favorite universes and franchises turns me off completely.

I will not be supporting A New Empire. At least not monetarily. Because I am not comfortable supporting my abuser.

I will probably play because it is in my habit to play mobile games. Then after a while, I will just...stop. Since the company that makes this also made two other generic mobile games, and A New Empire is literally just a FFXV reskin of those two mobile games. Sharky realized this when I brought up that my ex’s company was in charge of [very well-known notorious game 1] and [very well-known notorious game 2 that is a clone of 1]. If you know what I’m talking about, you can probably tell what company it is, their ads ALWAYS pop up in mobile games/apps that have ads enabled.

I cannot fathom giving support to my ex. I don’t like throwing around the word trigger, but he is my trigger. I actively avoid him as much as I can nowadays, because he makes me upset. I bawled my eyes out in the bathroom stall today because as soon as I was alone, the flashbacks hit me hard, one after the other, of his abuse. Of how stunted he made me. Of how shitty he made me feel in that relationship, and how he always made me feel like something was always wrong with me. I can go on and on about what he did to me. I didn’t even write the worst part of what he did to me, and it makes me shudder because at the time, I didn’t realize that it was also a form of abuse.

You, reader, of course, are free to do whatever you want. Spend money on the app, play the app, post screenshots, whatever. This is just my rant. I really needed to get this off of my chest, because as soon as I found out that he worked on the game, a flurry of emotions spilled out. It will be some time before I can look at the game again without the flashbacks hitting me like they did today. For now, I think I’m going to delete it off of my phone until I feel better. If it does turn out that there is “story” in the mobile game that adds more richness to the FFXV verse, I might pick it up sooner. Otherwise, I mean, it’s just going to be a generic mobile game reskin to me. Why do you think Square Enix didn’t showcase nor mention this at E3? Especially in their FFXV Universe E3 trailer/segment?

I may or may not delete this later. I ask that out of respect, you do not reblog this. Writing this out and posting has helped me deal with my emotions and thoughts immensely. T-T But if you’ve read this far...thank you, and please send hugs to Nocto, because seeing Nocto get hugs makes me feel warm inside.

TL;DR: My mentally and emotionally abusive ex worked on A New Empire, and I will not be supporting the app monetarily nor play anytime soonish, because I get flashbacks of his abuse. Send Nocto hugs.

[deborahdeshoftim5779]

Questions for HSM III

Read and weep. 

I have returned, of course. They say labour is good for the soul. I’m not sure I have a soul, but I do have fingers and I do have a raging temper thanks to HSM III. 

I watched HSM III for the first time a day before deciding to write Trelsi fanfiction. (02/01/2017, according to my Google Play receipts). I had high hopes, I really did. For one, I thought the dialogue between Troy and Gabriella would become less stilted and actually reveal character, retaining my interest. I thought that Gabriella would become a little more real, more relatable. (Believe it or not, I still wanted to ship Troy and Gabriella as late as January 2017!) I thought the film would end on a high note, summing up a flawed, but enjoyable series. None of that turned out to be the case. As for Troy and Gabriella’s conversations, I’ve had more stimulating conversations with my baby sister. Gabriella continued to be about as accessible as the Gods of Mount Olympus. The film ended on a high note, after having dragged me through the cinematic equivalent of a morgue for almost two hours. At first, I couldn’t understand why I had been so bored, but after reading meta and rewatching, a lightbulb switched on in my head, along with a neon sign that said:

“They fucked Troy over.”

Or, as they say in the WWE, “You... Screwed... Me!”

One good thing I can say for HSM III, is that it brought me straight to Trelsi. (But that’s another story, folks). 

Based on my minute by minute commentary in Google Docs, I come with a fresh batch of questions. *sceptical face*

On The Treehouse Scene

1- Troy loves trees. Or, more generally, he loves heights, because later on he says that he sees things more clearly then. Obviously that isn’t the case, otherwise he would not have sacrificed time, energy, fuel and sleep chasing after a girl who didn’t have the common decency to meet her commitments and broke up with him a second time based on flimsy logic, guilt-tripping and plain old lies. But I do think it makes sense that Troy likes his solitude and this adds more depth to his character. (The guy’s so deep, it’s like we can’t find him). And I think it’s quite kind of him to take Gabriella up into his treehouse, although we are supposed to believe that during the entire time of them dating, during which time Gabriella must have visited Troy’s parents, she has never been into the treehouse. She says, “So, another top-secret hiding place?” 

Anyway, given that Troy has an enjoyable sense of humour, he claims that Gabriella is only the second girl he has ever brought up there. In response, he gets an aggressive nudge and glare from Gabriella. 

Can’t this girl take a joke? And more importantly, why does no one consider her reaction to be quite distasteful? Reverse the genders and no one would accept that. 

2- Notice the insufferably dull spectacle of Troy and Gabriella’s conversations. They seem to comprise of either discussing life (Gabriella’s life taking priority, of course), but without any depth whatsoever. Then Troy might make a joke, and she giggles. Or they argue-- and by argue, I mean Gabriella blames Troy for ruining her life, sinking the Titanic and causing global warming, whilst Troy nods and pleads for forgiveness. When they make up, they sing. Some would say that solves nothing, because the same cycle is repeated over and over. I also notice there are significant pauses between their dialogue-- is this due to a lack of other things to say? Because their conversations always sound scripted. 

Anyway, we have Troy once again confiding in Gabriella about some of his childhood (again, it would have been nice to see more of Troy in his own context, rather than always with Gabriella). Gabriella, after having intimidated Troy to ensure that no other girl besides her had entered his treehouse, now decides to thank him for taking her there. (In a deleted scene, Troy gets her “one of everything” (food) on a plate, just as she requested. Of course, Gabriella doesn’t get him some food, given that he just won a major game and must be starving/exhausted.) But to be fair, Gabriella does seem to, for once, take an interest in Troy’s potential future at U of A, and if not for the insiduous nudging scene beforehand, her smiles could be interpreted as affectionate. 

After Troy has once again shown his genuine surprise and pleasure when endowed with any particular honour, Gabriella turns the conversation back to herself. We learn that Gabriella has been struggling... Struggling with the fact that her mother and her have been discussing further education in one of the best universities in America, and her mother is so proud of this fact that she keeps talking about it. Stop the world! This is terrible! Even after Troy has quite reasonably stated that her mother (and him) is simply proud of her, she still looks irritated, impatient. And of course, this serves as a nice detraction from the far more relatable problems that Troy was confiding earlier. 

Precisely what is Gabriella ungrateful for? I’d really like to know. She has a boyfriend whose reaction to her success is always one of pride, encouragement, happiness and attentiveness. (”You’re already in! That’s so cool!”/”She’s proud of you. I’m proud of you.”) Her reaction to his success, of course, is one of condescension, annoyance and even cruel mockery, as we saw in HSM II. She has plenty of friends. Her grades are excellent. What is she lacking, exactly? If she wanted to discuss serious things like her lack of stability, the (presumed) loss of her father, and perhaps the pressures of further education, that would be understandable. But this incessant whining about frivolities grates on the nerves. 

And wouldn’t it be nice she is could actually listen to Troy’s own troubles and respond to them DIRECTLY, instead of making a few half-hearted comments/enquiries before reverting back to her “troubles”?

(Now we get to “Right Here”, which is incredibly boring. The famous 1053 miles are discussed. Gabriella wishes the whole world would stop for her. I guess the premise of the song (looking out for what’s important right now) is relatable, but by now I’m just so fatigued by their duets that I skip this song. If their relationship actually resembled the lofty ideals they sing about, then I would actually listen.)

3- During the attempt at cute funnies, Gabriella takes a “tour” round Troy’s treehouse, pointing out stuff and giggling. Troy’s treehouse is quite cool and there are lots of gadgets and stuff that the average boy likes. It may sound minor, but I can’t really escape or ignore the judgemental tone in Gabriella’s voice throughout. This seems hypocritical, given that she was once a kid and she apparently loves kindergarten. (So much so that she behaves like she’s still there). She knows that Troy built the treehouse with his dad, so... why does she make a big deal about a fricking pirate’s wheel, a robot and a superman cape? (And seriously with the giggling? Every little thing, giggle, giggle, giggle. It just comes off as condescending). Troy’s a dork, everyone knows that. The whole scene reinforces my view that Gabriella often treates Troy like a kid. 

Just saying. 

TO BE CONTINUED

[etherealnexus]

I’ve decided to go through the head canon exploration list as I believe it could be interesting

1. Light

Originally the organization or group led by Chronos was known as the Alliance of the light i later decided to change that due to the nature of the world of which I created where things aren’t always as it seems and many common associations are useless as nothing is inherently good or evil this is a world not of black and white but a world of grey

2. Shadows

The realm of shadows is under the leadership of Orpheus the dragon of shadowsThe realm of shadows despite common belief is not entirely black there is light in fact without light the realm of shadows would not exist light is also required to move to and from this realm

3. Truth

Ironically the most truthful of all my characters is watcher despite his label of trickster he rarely lies if he ever does not to say he tells everything he generally withholds information this is how he creates confusion selectively withholding and giving information

4. Lies

Order is an entity labeled by many as a villain as he is corruption despite his goals of which he ironically has never strayed from like watcher he is the least likely to lie but he has but only to protect people and keep people from getting involved

5. Fall

Fallen is alternate version of order who has the lost memories of broken in his mind driving him into madness and self destruction from one who desired to unify and protect the world he has fallen far as he has lost his identity lost in a permanent downward spiral of confusion and agony

6. Secure

The entrance or ‘door’ to the realm of soul is closely guarded by watcher in his “tower of doom” of which it is an irritating seemingly infinite and probably impossible to complete from either the bottom or the top whenever watcher is asked to protect something it generally ends up in his tower

7. Purpose

The apocalypse biowraith was never meant to be made it was an accident caused by the creations of others of which it has been pacified for now it is the ultimate punishment for those who played god by warping entities beyond understanding and attempting to weaponize them entities that know no mercy entities that are born of hatred, rage, and vengeance perhaps it would have been best to have let Armageddon fulfill its purpose

8. Meaning

{watcher} “42 ;o)”

9. past

The past cannot be changed, and sometimes it is doomed to repeat in fact it was looper who broke the time loop that started it all

10. future

It doesn’t matter what you have done in the past what matters is the now. The future is always ahead of you...

Looper Chronos was born in the future born after the sun became a red giant, 4593 years to be exact

11. Star

The star is dead yet alive the one who gave us hope sacrificed themselves by trapping his own realm within a loop this person was Occulta Chronos who is long since gone and in his place stand the Tower Looper Chronos

12. Sun

The Omniverse protection, surveillance, maintence system or just Omni for short was original tasked to do as its name implied until someone found the keys enabling them to access Omni and reprogram it, of which they gave it the command to destroy existence itself, though they forgot to delete the previous command causing Omni to crash, restart, and combine the commands to indirectly destroy existence... since then Omni has been encroaching upon the fine line between direct and indirect...

13. scar

Chronos has lost his left arm and right eye due to what he calls an accident but was a murder attempt by a serial killer changling of which back then he was a mechanic he was asked by a friend of his to look into and fix some machinery of which while working the changling turned on. The gears of the machine moved and caught his left arm pulling him into the machine in which another gear came around his right side and dug out his right eye a security personnel came into the surveillance room at that time and saw what was happening and a worker was able to turn off the machine Chronos had to go to the hospital which his friend payed for... he was only one of three survivors of the serial killer

14. Solitary

Aura lives within a tower of which he only leaves to STEAL books from his allies no one likes him due to what he had done not that he remembers of course but he doesn’t really care

15. Penance

There is a price to pay when a nine void soul directly hops dimensions a price that order had paid his identity was stolen from him leaving him as we see him today he is incapable of saying his real name...

16. Sinner

Aura was once an Arch mage the highest amongst his peers until he met Looper... after what he had done he lost many of his powers and memories

17. Saint

Chains is a very friendly person unfortunately he is unable to speak due to the fact he is a skeleton so he has no vocal cords but besides that he tries to befriend everyone

18.unconditional

The abyss is where it began the abyss is strange the abyss is eternal the abyss is all the abyss is what lies beyond time, space, void and even reality everything equal everything the same everything abyss

19. Rules

The universe is picky desiring to be stable and familiar void souls are ignored but their are instances where strange things happen things left behind by dimension hoppers things that don’t belong sometimes they are integrated sometimes not those that don’t end up in the void...

20. Tales

There are many tales and legends roaming around about the rebellion from times long forgotten to more recent events though it is quite hard to find them as there are many forces at work hiding them from the universe itself to what are equivalent to what can be defined as a god

21. Amazing

The infinity stone has infinite energy and a multitude of abilities such as turning people into stone or bringing objects to life, it is highly sought after and as per a deal a long time ago it is to be protect by the rebellion of souls by inheritance

22. Special

Abilities are hidden away in the soul generally tied to the personality and habits a person has each one special in its own way each one used differently

23.sick

The infinity stone despite having infinite energy can lose that energy resulting in a “dead” infinity stone of which begins to drain all kinds of energy around it and corrupt the environment decay and rot spreading around it

24.exhaustion

Abyssal is the prophet of the abyss... but there are costs to such a connection he always feels drained as his body constantly fights itself to keep him from becoming one with the abyss...

25. Choice

Xerixoth the guardian is a giant with multiple bodies of which it can mold into any shape his true self looks like a giant humanoid plant without a face he guards the labyrinth of the forgotten by choice as this was where he was born... but he does not guard that place alone that would be a waste of his talents in order to remain in what is considered an inconsequential place a useless relic of the past he guards many lands and is known by many names such as Cerberus, heimdall, ladon and many others...

26.Dream

Dreams is a nightmare or partially a nightmare as her abilities do not coincide with actual nightmares. She is able to wander the dream realm and bring people into it which she is very hesitant to do so as there are many dangers in doing so... Dreams is also able to manipulate the dream realm and she can use it to travel far distances in an instant

27.sex

The strangest gender belongs to watcher who likes to be refuted to as a male but in reality is reality itself

28. Passion

Looper is passion about machines he likes to make them and fix them he particularly likes to make machines that will help people

29.intense

There is an aura around watcher that he is able to turn on and off for people an aura that is suffocatingly intense. The aura of a god...

30. Soft

Despite being living metal gallium can choose to be soft whenever he feels like it by making himself ‘hotter’ of which makes the metal he is made of softer and surprisingly relaxing as despite whatever metal he is made of it never burns people

31. Unforgiving

You might not think it but watcher can be quite unforgiving due to the fact that it always seems like he does forgive people, but that is only because it doesn’t really bother him... No if you truly bother him he will bring down the full wrath of reality onto you he shows no mercy as those who bother him have done something that should be allowed to persist

32. Almost

The EtherealBane is a sword capable of threatening existence itself made and then broken by its own creator and the pieces scattered in a way that should have almost guaranteed it would never be reforged in fact it shouldn’t have ever had a chance and yet due to the time loop and the realm of soul free floating deep within the abyss it was able to increase its chances as now all three pieces have found their keeper when there should have only been two

33. Messy

The messiest character is Necros who generally has notes scattered about though the do generally get organized pretty fast... this messiness is due in part with Necros’s jumpy nature and Aura’s lack of respect for privacy and belongings ironically Aura’s tower is always organized but whenever he goes pillaging for new information he leaves a mess wherever he’s been and since Necros likes to make records of things he is generally the target

34. Memory

The blade of memories is a sword with the power to summon champions: people with great power that are separated from the norm generally people deemed as a hero or villain. The blade was made by the same person who made the EtherealBane in fact he made it so he could gain materials for it

35. Forgotten

Xerixoth is the only entity ever to be born in the labyrinth of the forgotten as usually entities only ever wander into it by accident the details of his birth are unknown there are no trace of his parents and yet he claims to remember them...

36. Time

Chronos has the power to manipulate time by either freezing it around him and unlike in many instances everything is frozen in place to move something it’s like pushong against a spring. And he can fast forward and rewind objects but specific objects such as if he were to fast forward the earth it would only fast forward the earth no the plants, people, buildings, etc.

37. Gift

Gifts from the elements allow great power and influence as such it is rarely give as people can use it to corrupt and control gifts from the elements are like stronger forms of rituals of which call upon the help of the elements but instead of having to ask for the power you already and may always have it, and there are worlds where everyone has this gift some thrown into chaos some in peace.

38. Red

Red is the symbol of blood, rage, determination, love, betrayal, power, strength, pain, life, healing and offense it is a color found within battlefields and berrys found within the nurturing flame and the raging wild fire Red is the color of Nature

39. Yellow

Yellow is the symbol of light, plasma, warmth, instinct, sight, safety, warnings, greed, wealth, lies, and trust it is a color that spreads rumors and light it is the color of precious metals and deception yellow is the color of information

40. Blue

Blue is the symbol of the sky, ocean, intelligence, water, truth, wisdom, trust, friendship, nobility, status, enforcement, judgement, sadness, unknown, fear, and calmness this is the color worn by officers and navy this is the color that spans far from land this is the color of the unknown and lurking Blue is the color of emotion

41. Gray

Gray is a symbol of equality, good and evil, impure, corrupted, imprisonment, loneliness, misfortune, emptiness, null, stone, protection, safety, home, smoke, metal, creation, machines, industry, gears, work, and unity gray is found within the concrete of homes and walls it separates us and protects us gray is the color of metal that is used to build our civilizations gray is the color of the stars that fall from the sky gray is the color of the sculptures we make gray is the color of the clay we mold gray is the color of creation

42. Sloshed

Watcher likes pretends to get drunk but as he is reality itself he can’t. as such even if he drinks a lot of alcohol he is very aware of his actions

43.regression

Bioweapon is very unpredictable as he (as Bioweapon prefers to be referred to) is only docile because he still cannot beat Chronos. Bioweapon is very destructive of which he has been getting better with but if thrown into a fit of rage he will go on a destructive rampage until he calms down which usually involves Chronos holding onto the tip of his tail with his robotic arm

44. Laughter

Watcher laughs a lot and each of his laughs have a different meaning. Hysteria means he’s either going to cause some chaos or is about to kill some one, a short laugh means he desires a different topic, a long slow laugh means he’s thinking, a dark laugh means he doesn’t like something, a slow dark laugh means he’s about to get serious a normal laugh just means he found something interesting or funny and the most dangerous is an obvious fact laugh which means he done with playing the role of the fool

45. Debt

For the crimes of binding the minds of others to do his bidding the hilt has taken away many memories from Aura including the title of high arch mage his power and spells that control the mind and soul have been sealed until aura learns respect

46. Work

small and intricate tasks There are machines created by Chronos for hard labor and teaching there are robots with free will also created by Chronos and finally within the library there is a spider centaur robot that looks over the library with its hive

47. Pain

The biowraiths live in perpetual pain and suffering and even once they were finally free they continue to endure as they desire to keep others from sharing the same fate... and upon this point one has to wonder if they are still even wraiths as they are no longer creatures of vengeance and rage but rather creatures of retribution and liberation

48. Hidden

Camo is an expert in scouting, archer, sniping, and camouflage it is almost impossible for one to find him if he wants to be hidden... and then there’s Chronos with his blasted eye... no matter what Camo does it always finds him

49. Power

There is no easy way to obtain gain power even if one is born with it they must learn to control it and those without it must work to get it these two principles make up this world

50. Animal

When forced to become an animal looper will either become a kobold, squid, or Phoenix based on a multitude of factors Watcher and Gallium can become whatever they want but Watcher prefers more obscure animals and gallium prefers more sturdy and offensive animals

51. Pretend

Do not be deceived as watcher is no fool he is no jester for your amusement in reality he is the strongest among them and he only plays along as he finds them interesting those foolish enough to threaten them will perish

52.pillows

Everyone has their own pillow Chrono has a normal one, watcher has one made of “dank memes and fluffy clouds” Necros used the same as Chronos but now sleeps on fortune, fortune sleeps on heated volcanic rock, Bioweapon sleeps in a tube, alchemist sleeps on himself, chains doesn’t sleep, aura uses magic when he does sleep, Camo sleeps in either trees or bushes, nebula uses foam pillow, and no one knows what gallium sleeps on... well watcher and Chronos know but they won’t tell.

53. Cigarettes

No one really likes cigarettes Bioweapon eats them I suppose but watcher destroys them alchemist sees them as poison and Chronos is neutral he doesn’t smoke but won’t stop others if they want to

54. Leader

The leader is chosen through voting and the current leader is Chronos due to the fact he try’s to get things done as efficiently as possible and is respectable of others

55.follower

Gallium is not a leader as he prefers to follow he has a strong sense of justice and desires to protect his friends

56.ring

Chronos has made rings before that had small machinery for tracking and communication as well as other tools such as lasers. There are also enchanted rings that are hoarded by aura and Necros wears some rings

57. Journal/diary

Watcher is the only one with a diary whereas Chronos, Necros, alchemist, Camo, and aura keep journals Chronos’s is filled with blueprints, Necros’s is filled with notes, records and some personal information, alchemist’s is filled with recipes for poisons and medicine, camo’s is filled with scouting information, and aura’s is filled with notes and spells. Watcher’s diary is filled with gibberish

58. Flowers

Arc has his own garden of corrupted flowers they were normal flowers that were effected by his presence becoming completely black and oozing out a black tar like substance. The flowers have the same properties as arc so he keeps people away from them

59. Tree

Many of the crash islands that seemed to have once floated spread out across the ruined planet there are long dead trees present each one have stone structures that were once powered by these trees and were able to create portals to other dimension few seeds remain and the trees seem to be uneffected by time as Chronos tried to fast forward one of the seeds

60. Nature

Being a dimension hopper allows one to experience many biomes and environments world made of fire, ecosystems that exist only in the ocean depths, a universe were the last star has gone out sending it into perpetual darkness

61. Gold

Money isn’t much of a problem as the infinity knives (knives made of shards of infinity stones) though they weaker abilities than the infinity stones allow one to clone inorganic material and because different dimensions generally don’t use the same currency they use gold... of which watcher once used to make an entire economy disappear

62. Silver

Chronos has had requests to use a silver coating instead of copper and bronze but he refused as he prefers them

63. Games

There are a variety of games available and played watcher likes to hang out by the gambling but he prefers more obscure games and particularly likes to play Ur

64. Foreign

The members of the rebellion of soul are diverse partly due to the fact that the ruined planet seems to have become the dumping ground for void souls of all ages from 0 to infinity many languages, cultures, beliefs and to Chronos’s delight technologies were learned and spread

65. Comfort

Because of the developing relationship between Necros and fortune the jumpy necromancer seems to spend a lot of time with fortune who with the motherly caring side and the confident, aggressive side comfort and help Necros become more confident

66. Music

Watcher likes to play Symphonias more specifically the hurdy gurdy, Looper is learning to play from watcher and he knows how to play a piano, gallium can play the trombone and trumpet.

67.air

Don’t underestimate air, many regard this as a supporter element but they are fools air is probably one of the elements that Looper uses the most as it is capable of creating platforms and tools they can create barriers and suffocate foes it can create invisible attacks to slice you unsuspecting target

68.water

Water is regarded as an element of healing and support capable of manipulating blood and many substance containing the molecule H2O whereas the element isn’t very suited for major defense it can be quite deadly pressurizing it can allow one to stab an enemy with many small hole

69. Fire

Fire is regarded as an offensive weapon which ironically alchemist uses for medicinal purposes one of which to seal off wounds or stop blood flow. It can also be used to regulate body temperature yes it is commonly used to destroy but the option is there

70. Earth

Earth is a hard hitting and defensive element capable of creating massive structures in seconds this is an element found with many artists

71. Definition

The ruined planet is the main base of operations for the rebellion of soul or alliance of soul it is also the area where the dark ages of their predecessors to place this is the place where many of their previous selves have died... this is where order was weakened and once sealed...

72. Forever

Chains is a four armed metal skeleton ‘wearing’ a black cloth and is covered with chains he is an immortal entity if you destroy him he will respawn in his coffin if you destroy his coffin it will simply fix itself. This is an entity fated to exist til the end... and perhaps even past that

73.never

The only person never can apply to is watcher due to the multiple dimensions meaning multiple versions of my characters that may do things these ones will never do. Because watcher is reality itself there is only one of him... well one Main him and there will never be a second

74.learn

Due to the fact the many universes have decided to dump all void soul of any age and of many types they’re going to have to be taught the same language and other more common things for some not that the ones who began it all aren’t still learning there are many things left behind from their predecessors and it doesn’t help that some of them only allow a select few of them read them

75. Teach

Some of The things taught are normal or similar to what is normally taught like math, science, reading, etc. but there are other classes that teach magic or help with learning to control abilities there are also other strange classes for many things these people may potentially deal with

76. Grief

Grief is not uncommon in fact it’s quite common there are many who grieve the sudden lost of their home and families having been dragged to a new unknown place there are others who have been here longer who grieve the loss of friends and companions who may have died in a mission there are tisks their are deaths no one likes it, and it’s unavoidable

77. Leaving

People are free to leave if they desire same with the robots unfortunately only the robots are truly allowed to leave though because after a bit perhaps a year, a month, a century, or decade the void souls always end up back on the ruined planet as such Chronos created a separate place for those who desire not to stay children are raised and at a certain age are allowed to leave if they desire...

78. Mundane

There are many mundane tasks that need to be done though interestingly they always seem to be finished... after awhile Looper learned watcher was doing it but said nothing...

79. Picture

Fortune and Necros have made many picture fortune making pictures of past or future events of people and Necros has many bizarre pictures which Watcher sometimes confiscates a few...

80. Crazy

Watcher acts crazy but he is Necros’s pictures seem crazy but they are connected to watcher, Aura is crazy but try’s to act like he isn’t. Chronos is crazy

81. Repression

Ever since looper broke the time loop he has suffered the constant torment of other versions of him who were once in the loop but failed Looper is constantly ignored by most of these past selves who disregard him as they try to take control despite how much farther Looper has come without them... Looper is chained up in his own mind barely able to use his own gifts forced to use what was used by the past selves

82. Tragedy

Chains was part of the predecessors he somewhat witnessed their end he was trapped in his coffin unable to get his chains out and something heavy preventing him from getting out he heard the final member die taking order with him sealing his soul before he himself died... it pained chains that he was unable to help his friends that he was forced to remain in his box as they all died... but at least he met them again in another life...

83. Comedy

Watcher plays the role of the fool he is the jester the joke he is an excellent distraction as he can be loud and generally says the right things to get people’s attention

84. Romantic

Of of the ‘romantic’ relationships is between the hermaphrodite humanoid hydra known as fortune and the necromancer spectral lich known as Necros

85. What if

Watcher loves the what if game... Chronos doesn’t particularly like it especially if he’s busy or it’s referring to a past instance

86. Paternal

The male side of fortune gives of a fatherly ir paternal aura whenever around Necros probably due to the fact the more caring side is effecting it, or it actually does care for Necros and it is leaking out in its aura, or both

87. Maternal

The female side of fortune always gives off an maternal aura and the aura only ever changes when around Necros when it becomes more of a loving aura

88. Better

Chronos likes to improve things it’s instinctual he might begin to make something as he suggests it he may have already made it before he suggests it sometimes it embarrasses him and others it gets him in trouble

89. Worse

Chronos has made many attempts to help the biowraiths but generally it only ends up making things worse for them he has attempted making his own which turned out fine but he couldn’t find a way to transfer that to them... in the end he simply gave up he tried and failed it was simply beyond him

90. Coping

Everyone has their own way of coping Chronos makes maxhines, watcher never seems to need to(watcher doesn’t grieve he tries to do what they would have wanted finishing anything they left unfinished killing the one who killed them he will do all of these BY ANY MEANS NESSASSARY) Necros used to hide in a corner now copes with fortune, Aura throws things, Alchemist melts the floor, Bioweapon destroys everything in sight, etc.

91. Young

The infinity stone halts the aging process at a preferred point in time and gives people immortality to age they of course can still die by fatal wounds and such just not age or disease

92. Old

The oldest people within the rebellion of soul are Chains who is immortal, and ??? Excluding watcher Who has every cancer and a lot of mutations don’t know what they were or even what gender but they are also immortal

93. Crisis

In a time of crisis the infinity stone will temporarily turn people into stone to protect the and once it’s over it will restore them this ability will also heal them and put them into a sleep like state until they are turned back

94. Body

The body is the home of the soul it is a focus for mana and the elements it is how one interacts with the physical world

95. Soul

The soul is a source of life energy it is a source and conduit for mana it last forever but be warned it can be destroyed and the soul can never be hidden

96. Mind

The mind is what controls the body it is the instructor for spells it allows thought and emotion but some are broken and can be broken it may not be physical but it is as vulnerable as the body

97. Reason

Aura is one who acts on reason he likes to know why before he does something if he does something

98. Logical

Watcher defies all logic and reason mainly because he is reality itself so he can just edit that he actively defies it as he enjoys the confusion caused

99. Hypnotize

Auras punishment was due to the fact he used a spell to control the mind and soul of others to make them do what he wanted him to when caught he was punished

100. Wisdom

The wisest of all my characters once again is watcher he is the 3rd oldest being in existence he seen it all even the beginning and creation he just has a round about way of saying things and you have to ask him if you want the information but no one expects the fool to know anything anyways