#it doesn't even need to be my version here

[grvait]

old art again!! this time a rough animation of sawyer and yarnaby 😎 (looks better if u click to view 😭)

im working on a short ppt animation rn. im thinking i should post it to my youtube channel, though im not sure if people here would see it. i think i can link videos on here?? idk

okay I'm gonna talk abt more chapter 4 stuff.. this time about prototype's previous identity.. ch4 spoilers and also a theory below..

hiding the solo yarnaby under here LOL

people theorized 1006 was elliot, which was recently disproven in the chapter 4 tape where poppy refers to elliot as her dad and wishes he were there. in the same tape she addresses prototype as a completely different person. also recall that elliot died in the 90s, meanwhile prototype met theo in 1989. so yeah, they aren't the same person

I've also seen people say rich is prototype, which cannot be true either. in a ch4 tape he speaks to one of the boys who eventually got turned into doey. the kid mentions his coworkers joking about him going missing. before the bbi, it would not make sense for this to be a common rumor at the company, which means this tape had to happen after harley was hired in 1990; at a time when the company would have a reason to silence people

prototype existed in 1989 at the minimum, but considering he says "it's always been about you and me" to poppy, he's likely the prototype of HER. she's elliots daughter, she died in the 60s, meaning prototype was probably created around that time as well.

this means that rich can't be the prototype because he was human long after prototype was made

if you want my take on who prototype truly is, i'd say his identity doesn't necessarily matter. i don't mean to say his origins aren't important, just that his name and specific role in the past probably doesn't mean anything in the long run. i've never believed he was elliot or rich, and maybe in the future i'll be proven wrong but for now i'll tell you the theory i've had since june of last year

elliot's daughter dies in the 60s. he divorced his wife in 1930, so his daughter is probably in her 30s when she dies. she gets sick or injured, maybe she's actively dying or already dead by the time elliot begins his research. he looks for ways to bring her back, but it doesn't work on the rats (as he mentioned a note in the 2nd chapter)

so what does he do? he tries it on something bigger as he said he would: a human. of course he's not going to try this experimental method on his own daughter, even if she's already dead, so he finds someone else to use it on. we know that elliot wasn't evil or anything, so it's unlikely he killed anybody to use for the experiment. considering the orphanage isn't open yet (it opened in the 70s, not the 60s), prototype probably wasn't an orphan child either. if i run with my simple version of the theory, elliot may have dug up a body in a graveyard and used that. maybe a fresh one, who knows. he tried it, it worked, then he revived his daughter with the same method.

this is likely what harley wanted to know about in the chapter 3 tape (the "i learn something new about you every day" one), and also what prototype is asking harley to figure out in the ch4 tape they're both in. in that case, sawyer never actually figured out how to revive people with the poppy substance. sure, he can transfer people into the toys, but he can't bring anybody back to life

more reason to believe prototype and poppy are of the same "batch" is because it seems they are the only two who don't need food. it's outright stated about him in the ch1 trailer, and insinuated with her saying the "toys will starve otherwise" when she's talking about how nasty them eating humans is. she refers to them, not herself. her and prototype are probably the only 2 who were ever brought back from the dead, which circles back around to his monologue and gives meaning to the "it's always been about you and me, poppy. what we are". when i heard him say that i felt like my theory was lowk confirmed 😭😭

no guarantee this is right, but it's been my guess for a long time

[avelera]

So apparently, Fortiche shared concept art where Jayce's Hexcorization in the cave would extend all the way to his face:

And this is really interesting to me from a narrative perspective, here's why:

Much of S2 Jayce's arc is incredibly... punitive. Like, he is really being punished step by step for everything he did wrong in S1. From Renni terrorizing and almost killing him for the death of her son, to Viktor leaving him "for another woman" (the Hexcore as represented by Sky) much like Jayce left him for politics as represented by Mel, there's really a sense of the narrative not only tearing Jayce down to his bare essentials (something that's very common for TV writing to do, by the way, it's very common that you want to see characters reduced down to who they are for their "long night of the soul" moment before they learn the lessons of what they really stand for before going into the climax armed with those lessons), but Jayce's time in the cave really goes even further than that and not only does S2 take away his political career, his Hextech ambitions, his state as someone able-bodied, much of his strength, and certain other gifts, it looks like in this draft they considered taking away his beauty too.

I think it would have been interesting either way if they had, but I want to dive into the narrative structure of action and punishment in Arcane, why Hexcorizing Jayce's face might have been a step too far and not really addressed a lesson he needed to learn, and my thoughts on punitive character arcs in general in Arcane (or lack thereof), specifically with regards to Jayce and Caitlyn.

I've mentioned elsewhere that I always found it interesting that much of the hate directed towards Jayce by the fans was for his perceived incompetence in difficult moments, rather than at how naturally gifted he seems to be at everything.

When I first watched S1 on my own, I thought Jayce was a bit unbearable because everything comes so easily to him (after Viktor becomes his partner and Hextech takes off as a result, that is). He is naturally beautiful, he's built like a god but doesn't appear to do any sort of exercise routine to maintain this other than working in the forge, he becomes the Man of Progress and rockstar of Piltover pretty much without trying, girls are literally sighing dreamily as he goes by.

He's also naturally a genius, from what we see, revolutionizing multiple industries with one invention. Even his rescue as a child is a literal miracle and it spurs him to create an invention that makes him a rockstar. When he enters politics, he immediately dominates, to the point where he's able to get a unanimous vote to overthrow the founder of the city within weeks of going there. Even in battle he's naturally gifted and naturally lucky during the raid of the Shimmer factory (up until the death of Renni's son), even though he has no prior skills as far as we know. He also wins the love of arguably the most beautiful woman in the series, again, seemingly without trying.

Then, S2 doesn't just take all of this away from him, it seems to go a step further into actually punishing Jayce for how easy and miraculous his life was in S1.

I'm of two minds about the Hexcorization reaching his face, but I have a hypothesis. I think it would have looked fucking rad but, I kinda get why they didn't do it:

Because Jayce's good looks are not something he can control, unlike the other things the narrative punishes him for.

Insofar as he can control his looks, he gives up on the clean-cut, immaculate "Golden Boy" image. Even in the idealized astral plane, he keeps most of the marks of his time in the pit like his hair and beard. I think it's because Jayce likes who he became down there. The clean-cut version of him was always the mask of him trying to please others, Jayce's appearance after he emerges from the cave is him shedding the opinions of others (contrast this with how Viktor idealizes himself in the astral plane, removing all marks of his illness. This isn't a criticism, just an interesting point of contrast).

So basically, my theory is Fortiche may have pulled back on Hexcorizing Jayce's face on the one hand to soften the visuals a bit, but secondly because it keeps the focus on punishing Jayce for things he chose to do, rather than things he doesn't really have control over.

But make no mistake, the narrative comes down hard on Jayce in S2, for every little thing the fans could and often did hate him for in S1. He pays for all of them, arguably in excess of what he maybe deserved, since as he says he didn't ask for any of this. But he did go along with it, and there's where the hammer of consequence (quite literally) comes down on him, tears away all his privileges, drags him down to literally the level of Viktor when he first left the undercity and says, "You have to do it all again but now focused on what really matters, and it's going to be ten times harder than it ever was."

This, in my opinion, is why Jayce is so popular coming out of S2. It is a hell of an arc, it's a hell of a redemption! You gave the man everything any man could want, then you took it all away, and then as his crowning moment of showing he has truly learned these lessons and made up for his mistakes, he makes possibly the most loving gesture possible, puts his weapons down, and reaches out to the person he loves most and literally sacrifices himself on the altar of his mistakes to make things right and show Viktor he is loved, and to protect Viktor from the horrifically lonely fate of his future self. It doesn't get any more noble, loving, or self-sacrificing than that.

Because more than we like to see a character punished we like to see them learn from their mistakes and come back better. Jayce's S2 nobility is earned, perhaps even to excess, no one can question whether he suffered enough to make up for what he did in S1 but even the most uncharitable read of him in S1, his biggest hater, would have to agree his time spent starving to death in agony, alone in that cave for months, has got to be just about the worst punishment a human can face and live.

Which is one reason I must add that I find it a little puzzling that Arcane's creators didn't predict the hate that Caitlyn would get in S2.

Keep in mind, because this is very important, the Arcane creators did not make S2 in response to fan reactions to S1. S2 was already in production and the script was locked in and done before anyone outside their organizations saw S1. So nothing that happens in S2 is as a result of fan response.

But, the creators did understand that Jayce was going to need to suffer narrative punishment for what he did in S1 in order to be redeemed, whether they predicted how hated he would be after S1, they did predict that redemption would be necessary. And boy-howdy, did they give him a hell of a redemption arc!

But Caitlyn's S2 actions are almost in lock-step similar to Jayce's S1 actions, being manipulated (by a Medarda!) into accepting power, but maybe not having a choice in the matter, but still maybe expanding that power on their own because it is useful in its own right. Caitlyn also makes terrible mistakes. A child doesn't die but people in the undercity do get hurt during her rage-fuled raids, even if most of them are mob bosses and their goons. The narrative asks, does that make it right? Caitlyn like Jayce hurts the person closest to her who is from the undercity and uses bigoted language against the people of the undercity to Vi's face in much the same way that Jayce did to Viktor on the bridge, though in Jayce's defense, he apologized immediately after.

So, seeing how hated Jayce was coming out of S1, to the point where there's still barely any merchandise of him, I'm shaking my head rather ruefully that there was so much merch made for Caitlyn this time around. And I get it! Caitlyn and Vi were very popular after S1, they are intentionally THE main romance of the show and it was a very popular romance coming out of the innocence of their meet cute in S1.

But it's a romance that dearly needed a longer third act if you wanted Caitlyn to be as embraced after her mistakes as Jayce was after making up for his all through S2. You need to give her as long or at least as in-depth of a redemption act with as much suffering and acknowledgment of her mistakes if you want Vi and Caitlyn at the end to get celebrated the way Jayce making it up to Viktor is, because as much as I understand the choice to focus on pacing instead of exposition, and I do think Caitlyn's apology and realization of her mistakes are there on the page more than people complain, I do also agree that it is a bit "blink and you'll miss it" even if it's there. Jayce got a whole episode of being thrown into the Torment Nexus for his mistakes, real or imagined, if you didn't like him or his choices, you definitely got the sadistic glee of watching life kick the stuffing out of him for what he did in S1.

But besides her fight with Ambessa, which was a result of a confluence of many events in the story, not just Caitlyn's mistakes, Caitlyn doesn't really suffer much for the mistakes she made to those she loves. Her losing an eye to Ambessa didn't happen because she said bigoted things to Vi or became a short-term puppet dictator of Piltover. It was a result of Ambessa's actions and maneuvering more than it was a result of Caitlyn's personal mistakes to her loved ones.

In contrast, Jayce's time in the pit gave him the chance to reflect on and suffer for the the mistakes he made that led to the Anomaly that led to him being down in this pit, and what he would do to make it up to his loved ones like Viktor when he returned. Caitlyn never got a moment like that and from what I'm seeing of the vitriol directed towards her, so similar to what Jayce got after S1, it seems like she really needed it if we were going to like her to the same extent again, in a way uncomplicated by lingering questions about whether she ever truly learned the lessons her character needed to learn to grow as a person.

And it's just funny to me that a narrative that was so aware that this whole huge punishment arc was needed to rehabilitate Jayce wasn't aware that we'd need one for Caitlyn too, at least if they're going to move all that merch they made for her (please give us Jayce merch, Riot, I'm begging).

[jifloulette]

reo brainrot is plaguing my mind so here's some short bf hcs !!!!!

note ; oh my god this was rotting in my drafts since NOVEMBER. finally got the energy to finish the last one my gosh..

bf reo mikage whose mood completely depends on yours !

his classmates find it silly how you could be sitting on your chair feeling down because of a low test score you got and reo would be there beside you, seemingly sad too, but because of what?? he got an A+ on the same test after all..? his family finds it relieving to see reo smiling beamingly whenever you're smiling, you wouldn't even be smiling directly at him yet he'd still look gleeful! his teammates find it weird how reo could be mad at them, yelling and yelling, shouting and shouting, reminding them to play properly and get their act together and then you come in unannounced with a box of cookies and that same smile reo adores, suddenly his eyes light up and he's squealing when you come closer to him as if he just didn't swear the living shit out of his teammates. if reo could do cartwheels and frontflips, he would've done those on the way to you because he is just so madly in love with youuuuu!!!!

bf reo mikage who absolutely loves hearing go on and on and on about your day !

he especially loves it more when you're spilling tea about people from your class. i mean yeah he knows it's bad but he can't help it? the way you're so focused on telling him an almost 3 minute gossip about this one girl in your history class is all he needs to just lay there on bed with you as he caresses your hair. those moments seldom happen, it usually has you having him lay on your chest while you talk about the funny incident at math class where your teacher forgot about the quiz that was supposed to be taken today and how you got 2 drinks from the vending machine instead of one because you had stumbled over air and hit the machine harshly which caused another drink to fall down. oh and he sees your eyes glimmer up and how you almost always run out of breath because you just have so much to tell him! even if he's always clinging to you either by interlocking arms or grabbing your waist, you'll always have some stories to ramble that even he doesn't know off!

bf reo mikage who impulsively buys anything he sees in stores that remind you of him !

it's a bad habit of his but is it really that bad when he gets to feel you embrace him when he shows you the new matching keychains he bought the two of you? though you tend to scold him for spoiling you rotten, nothing will ever stop him from buying you gifts and trinkets because that's his love language! passing by popmart and sees the mofusand hippers? automatically buys FIVE because he thought they looked like you whenever you were zoning out which is a telltale sign that you badly needed reo to give you a piggyback ride home, not that he minded it though. he's scrolling through facebook and an ad for a jacket pops up? he's already buying two versions, one for you and one for him so that you guys can match! reo def gets offended when you ask him how much they cost and that you'll pay him back because he is your BOYFRIENDDD, he will buy those gifts with NO intention of getting something back.

bf reo mikage who lets you do all sorts of hairstyles on him !

he will also proudly show it off when you guys are at school too, he could care less about what other people think because why would he? his s/o did that hairstyle for him so why should he be ashamed? you would see a cute hairstyle post whilst scrolling through Tiktok and wanted to try it out, but before doing it on you, what better way to see if it was cute by trying it out on your boyfriend? reo wouldn't even try to say no because he wouldn't mind it at all, plus it was a good way to spend time with you. you would let him hold your phone as you try to follow the steps in the video as quickly yet properly as you can. after a few mistakes and redos, you had finished the look and dare you say, it may fit him better than you.. reo looked really good even though the hairstyle was a bit on the feminine side. he'd keep it on for the entire day, not caring or doing anything when the teachers tell him to take it off (rich boy privileges LMAO) oh and later on, you'd also put pins and hairclips on him too! the ones that matched his hair and eyes! this would also be a frequent sleepover activity the two of you do, reo would set up a space in his room dedicated to THIS specific thing!!!

©🇯​​🇮​​🇫​​🇱​​🇴​​🇺​​🇱​​🇪​​🇹​​🇹​​🇪​, do not steal, translate, or repost any of my writings anywhere else. ౨ৎ

[beneathsilverstars]

what does the party think of loop being a different siffrin. like why theyre here. likee do they think loop is a siffrin who.. succeeded? a siffrin who died?

[context: Dagger Ending AU]

Ooh yes. Here's everyone's theories from the first week or two, and what Loop had to say about them!

They've all discussed their theories together (though with some details omitted when Bonnie's there), and they have varying opinions on each other's, but they mostly stick to arguing their own if just because they have a clandestine bet going on. Maybe a little gauche, but sometimes you need to lighten the mood by acting the same way you do for sillier topics.

Bonnie's theory: Siffrin asked the stars for a friend.

Bonnie's story is inspired by some fairytales they were told when they were younger. Those fairytales were inspired by stories from the forgotten island, so Bonnie's version here actually brings it closer to the originals again! Though of course, with a Vaugardian twist.

Bonnie says: Siffrin was worried about being left alone, so since he really likes the stars for some reason, he asked the stars to be his friend forever. So one of the stars came down to be with him! But obviously a dot of light wouldn't make a very good friend, so they had to Change to be a person — and a dot of light that isn't a person yet wouldn't know how to Change right yet, so they just cheated and copied Siffrin. But it's impossible to Change to be exactly like another person, you can only ever be a new version of yourself, so that's why Loop isn't the exact same as Siffrin.

Bonnie: I know you don't want to explain to us why there's two of you, and why you're not a— you're... more different than people can normally be, but if I tell you my thee-ry, will you at least just say if I'm right? Loop: Hm... Probably not. Loop: But you should tell me anyway! [Bonnie explains their theory.] Loop: Aw! That's a very cute story~ [Loop's smile becomes more forced.] Loop: That is all I am, aren't I? A star friend for pooor little Siffrin, so he doesn't have to be all alone? Bonnie: I knew it!!! Bonnie: Do you miss being a normal star, up in the sky? [Loop takes a deep breath.] Loop: I miss a lot of things. But I asked to be here. Bonnie: Oh! Did you ask for a friend, too? It would make sense for the stars to pick you to send, if you were lonely too. Loop: ... I did! You're very good at this. Bonnie: Of course I am!!! Loop: You know, you should tell your story to stardust. I think they'll like it better than I do. [Bonnie runs off to tell Siffrin about it, and then to tell the other adults that Loop said they were totally right.]

Isabeau's theory: Loop is a sadness made out of Siffrin's self-hatred and loneliness.

There's stories about people finding "their" sadness that mirrors them exactly, including both fiction that uses it as a metaphor for inner battles, and folktales that claim to be true. Isabeau used to not believe the folktales at all, because they vary so wildly, and surely one single person's emotions couldn't be strong enough to make a sadness as sapient as some of the stories claim — no sadnesses are that clever, not even the big powerful ones that are made out of so many people's emotions that they aren't even vaguely human-shaped.

But, now, well... If it is possible, it's hard to find any negative emotions stronger than the reasons someone tried to kill themself. And it's undeniable that Loop seems to be closer to a sadness in physiology than they are to any living creature.

Plus, there could very well be some other factor that pushed Loop into full personhood! Some of the stories include the sadness feeding on its originator until the person wastes away and the sadness takes their place, which is far-fetched, but so is this whole situation. Or, animating a statue kind of involves putting a bit of yourself into it — your craft energy, your intentions — so perhaps Siffrin had put a lot of themself into Loop, in a way that isn't possible with something nonliving. It would explain the craft exhaustion, too, if Siffrin had fueled Loop's becoming in some way or another.

Isabeau: Bonnie said you said they were right. That you're a star sent to be Sif's friend. Loop: I'm sure they did. Isabeau: ... But it's not true, right? [Loop looks away.] Loop: ... I didn't actually tell them it was. I didn't lie to them. Just... parts of it. Isabeau: Parts of it were true? Isabeau: Which parts? Loop: ... What do you think? Isabeau: Well, it would depend on exactly how they worded it, wouldn't it? They keep changing their mind on the details. Loop: What do you think, then? Isabeau: About… Loop: Me. Isabeau: Right. [Isabeau makes a face.] Isabeau: I... don't know that it would do any good to tell you. Loop: Wow, that bad, huh? Now I have to hear it. Isabeau: Just, promise you won't take it the wrong way? [Loop squints at him.] Loop: I'll take it whatever way I want. Isabeau: Alright, fair enough. Alright. But, whether or not my theory is true, that doesn't change how I think about you, okay? You're a person, and you're our friend, and I'm glad you're here with us. Loop: Just get on with it, Fighter. Isabeau: Yeah, yeah, alright. Isabeau: It’s... I think you might be a sadness? [Loop gasps dramatically.] Loop: Ooooh, how could you~? Isabeau: There would definitely have to be more to it. You are a person, and you're stable, Sif's moods don't affect you any more than they do the rest of us. But... you're not human. You don't need to sleep, you can't eat, you're just... not made out of living stuff? But you're not artificial either, you're not an inanimate thing that's been crafted to move. You're alive! And there's only one sort of... being... that I know of, that's alive but not living. And, well... Sif...... Loop: ... They were so very, very sad. Isabeau: Yeah. Loop: Well! It does make sense! Loop: Of course you'd go for the depressing, realistic answer! Loop: You're entirely wrong, of course, but... Loop: I... [Loop looks down at their hands.] [They move their hands up, to grip their arms.] Isabeau: Sorry. I knew you wouldn't like it. I swear it really, really doesn't matter, okay? However you... got here... you're here now, and you're you, and we're glad of it. Loop: ... Isabeau: I'll go see if Bonbon needs any help with dinner.

Mirabelle's theory: Siffrin killed himself, and he both got brought back to life and lived on as a ghost.

To be exact, he successfully(-ish?) committed suicide when he said he was going to go take a nap in the meadow. She thinks it's an earlier attempt rather than the one Odile saw because: Siffrin had originally told Isabeau he wanted to talk again with someone he'd spoken to the day before — which could only have happened earlier in the day, because Siffrin was never left alone later — and while that could be a lie it also explains how Siffrin knew that Loop was at the favor tree at all; Odile mentioned how confident and unflinching he was about it, which could be explained by having done it before; and everyone agrees that the recent changes in Siffrin started, though more subtly, after the nap in particular.

Siffrin not dying from his late afternoon attempt isn't necessarily as much of a factor — Vaugardian ghost lore includes stories of people being haunted by earlier versions of themselves that they’d Changed away from, so there’s precedence for living people having ghosts. Of course this means there are other major Changes besides death (or deciding to die) that can create a ghost, but the other ways Siffrin has changed don't seem quite dramatic enough in the right way to have been the catalyst. In fact, it’s strange than Loop seems to be the more Changed of the two! But perhaps pre-Dormont Siffrin actually was more like Loop and just hid it better, or perhaps Siffrin used to be more like Loop at an earlier point in their life, and had somewhat Changed but not enough to be happy with themself. Either way, any of Loop's traits that post-Dormont Siffrin doesn't seem to share much at all would be parts of themself that pre-Dormont Siffrin "killed".

Mirabelle: Loop... You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but... Are you a ghost? Loop: You know, stardust guessed the same thing! And I told them... Well, I don't remember anymore. Something about the Favor Tree being my grave? Loop: Anyway, you could sort of say that! Except, how could I be his ghost when he didn't actually die? You made sure of that. Mirabelle: Well... I thought maybe... Mirabelle: Maybe Siffrin did kill themself? Before that? And you're the parts of Siffrin that they killed, but you stayed because... because you still had things to get done, or Siffrin still needed you, or… or something like that...? Loop: HA! Loop: Yeah, something like that!!! [Loop laughs hysterically for a bit, then suddenly stops.] Loop: ... Go away, Housemaiden. [Mirabelle leaves to fetch Siffrin.] [While she's gone, Loop leaves the camp.] [Siffrin finds them and brings them back several hours later.]

Odile's theory: Siffrin wished for a companion.

The final loop through the house didn't include either of the forgotten language books on wish craft, but it did include discussion of the impossibility of time craft, and the diary where a lonely person wished for a copy of themself. Odile initially dismissed the diary as creative fiction, but it was still fresh on her mind when she met Loop later that day!

During the next couple days in Dormont, she asked Euphrasie about how she crafted Mirabelle's blessing, because she loves cutting-edge craft. The conversation turned to the King's impossible time craft, and Euphrasie said she thinks he probably used wish craft. She explained that she doesn't know much because it's hard to find anything more than brief mentions of it, but she's confident it's real. She's pretty sure you need to do very particular things in order to use it, though — not any old wish will do — and she doesn't know what those things are. But it's probably the only way the King could have gotten the power to stop time, and there's a chance that the people of Vaugarde’s wishes for salvation contributed to his defeat (but she's not sure because who knows if anyone actually wished the right away).

Now, knowing that wish craft could be real… it’s strange to think that Siffrin might know about something basically unheard of. But they did know about the orrery in the house, and caring about stars is basically unheard of, too! And… Loop says they’re a star… and the King has stars on his armor….. And it’s risky to use one guess as evidence for another, but that could be three instances where the shape or knowledge of stars appeared alongside the use or knowledge of wish craft. And Siffrin spoke to Loop at the Favor Tree, and supposedly that’s where they spoke the day before too, and a Favor Tree is a place where you ask for something you want.

Siffrin’s craft exhaustion could be a point for or against; on one hand, making a copy of yourself must be powerful craft, but on the other hand, wish craft was what allowed the King to perform craft so strenuous that it should’ve instantly killed him. Plus, Siffrin’s exhaustion didn’t hit till at least a full day after they went to the Favor Tree alone the first time. So Odile doesn’t know enough to call that factor either way.

And why would Siffrin try to kill themself shortly after their wish came true? Was it just not everything they hoped it would be? Siffrin and Loop fight a lot, but they obviously care for each other a lot, too… But maybe even getting something they really wanted could make a depressed person feel worse, if it doesn't help as much as they hoped it would, and they decide that means they’re hopeless.

Odile decided on this theory by day three. There are other mysteries that aren’t as neatly explained by it, like the ease with which Siffrin navigated the house, but perhaps they’d made a second wish? Or perhaps that was the influence of the Vaugardian wishes that Euphrasie talked about? And over the following weeks, Siffrin’s behavior has only gotten stranger, in worrying, unexplainable ways. Odile is finding many different pieces to an unknown number of puzzles… but she’s fairly certain she’s got a good start on the Loop corner.

Loop: Well, Researcher? Everyone else has told me their theories on what and how and why I am. What's yours? Odile: I was wondering when you’d ask. My best theory is that Siffrin made a wish — for a friend who wouldn’t leave him, or someone who understood what he felt, or something along those lines — and your existence was the answer. Loop: … Loop: Same story as the Kid, huh? Odile: You did say that they got parts of it right. Loop: It just seems a bit unrealistic for you, Researcher~ Stardust wished for a friend and one just fell out of the sky? Odile: Your entire existence is unrealistic, Loop. But if a craft has the power to freeze an entire country in time, surely it also has the power to create life. Or split it, perhaps. Loop: … But the king used time craft. What does that have to do with wish craft? Odile: The Head Housemaiden of Dormont believes wish craft is what gave him the power to stop time. Loop. W- How does she know about wish craft?? Odile: How do you, Loop? Loop: The— It’s— [Odile waits patiently.] Loop: The book! The, the diary, in that room, with the— the thing for the stars. It talked about wish craft. Odile: Ah, of course. The diary of a person who felt lonely and misunderstood, so they used wish craft to make a copy of themself. The diary you’ve never seen, because you… branched off, let’s say, the day before we fought through the House. Loop: Stardust told me about it! Odile: Of course. You know, they remember a surprising amount about the House? It's been several weeks, and you'd think between the traumatic injury the day before and the fevers afterwards, even the average person would consider it all a bit of a blur. But they still remember details that the others have forgotten, about conversations it seemed they were barely paying attention to. Even one or two things that I don't remember at all. [Loop breathes shallowly.] Loop: W— What are you implying? Odile: Nothing in particular. However shaky the wish craft theory seems, I'm even less sure about everything else. Loop: Well, you should be! Because there is nothing else! [Odile sighs.] Odile: I'm sorry, I know you don't want us knowing about these things. You and Siffrin both. But he's... not doing well. [Loop looks away.] Odile: And frankly, I don't think you are, either. But we can't help if we don't know what the problem is! It's your choice not to tell us, but I'm not going to stop trying to figure it out. Loop: It doesn't matter! The other things. He has you now, all four of you. You're helping. They'll be okay. Odile: What about you, Loop? Loop: ... I'm helping too. I'm trying. I'm here to help them. Odile: Loop... [Odile is about to say something, but stops. She takes a deep breath before continuing.] Odile: It would help a great deal if you and he could be more open with us. Loop: ... Odile: Can I take this as confirmation of my theory, at least? Loop: ... Not quite. Odile: But I'm close. [Loop doesn't claim otherwise.]

[golden-loona]

tick-tack [j.j.k] | one shot

summary: you've never felt the need to change for someone until now, but will jungkook like your new version?

pairing: jungkook x oc

words: 6,076

inspired by "tick-tack" by illit

"tick tack, ti-tack, thump

it's noisy, my heart"

•

the air in the cafe is bright and bubbly, walls painted in bright pastel colours, stickers of drawings and names of previous customers cover one of the walls. music plays gently over the radio, the only other noise being chatter amongst you and your friends. you're in your element and you love being in it. brown sugar milk tea and tapioca, your usual order when you aren't feeling adventurous. less ice of course, so you get more drink than you do ice. you naturally twiddle the charms hanging from your shoulder bag between your fingers as you and your friends converse about campus gossip. who recently hooked up with who, who recently got in a fight, all the usual stuff. 

"love your skirt, by the way" your friend yeji compliments you, you smile softly and look down at the pink pleated, plaid skirt you're wearing. its as if cher horowitz and the plastics did a clothing line collab, your wardrobe is one all the girly girls die for. "on god, where did you get it? I need it!" hana says with a slight pout, you chuckle softly and sip your tea, "it was a gift but i'll find out!" you were always a girls girl and you still are. that's what your friends like about you, your loyalty and honesty. 

"thought we'd find you in here," the voice of hana's boyfriend rings out as the door of the bubble tea shop swings open. namjoon steps inside with his friends, your eyes naturally search for _him_ and when they find him, tick-tack-tick. your heart thumps for jeon jungkook. he's a computer science major, a total geek but also an utter god (to you anyway). you quickly look away, not wanting to be obvious with your stare. the four boys namjoon, jungkook, taehyung and yoongi all sit down with you and your friends. it's usual for your friend groups to mix, directly at the hands of namjoon and hana's relationship and god everyday you thank hana for being with joon, you wouldn't get to even look at jungkook if it wasn't for her. 

quietly fixing your blush cardigan, you smile politely at jungkook. of course he sits next to you, why wouldn't life just make things harder for you? you pray to god he doesn't hear the way your heart ticks in your chest, that would be a tough explanation. the groups chatter amongst each other while you silently sip your drink, suddenly its harder to formulate words with jungkook around. what if you fuck up? what if you make a joke and it doesn't land? god fucking forbid. 

"are you guys going to jackson's party?" taehyung asks as he sips yeji's drink, she kisses her teeth and lightly slaps his arm in protest. "of course we are, who isn't?" your friend jia remarks, which to be fair is very true. who doesn't go to jackson wang's parties? everyone pretty much crowned him the king of campus and honestly he deserves that title, he throws the best parties. "are you going, y/n?" jungkook directly asks you, your chest flutters hearing the way your name falls from his lips. you stutter, "i- um, yeah," you nod your head awkwardly and already want the ground to swallow you up, "of course i'm going," jungkook smiles and internally chuckles at the way you stutter. 

the truth is, jungkook knows you like him. well everyone knows, its not hard to tell and you're not exactly subtle. the way you look at him when he enters a room like he saved the world from a pandemic, the way your words fumble and your lips numb when he speaks to you, the way you become rigid when his finger so much as brush your skin. you almost had a panic attack a month ago when he took your jacket off for you. you feel you've gotten better at hiding it, brushing things off in a playful way. simply laughing or smiling at him politely. "you look nice," jungkook says nonchalantly, you almost choke on tapioca but quickly hide it by sipping your drink. "thanks- thank you," you reply quickly, blush pinking your cheeks. jia gives you a knowing smirk, knowing exactly what you're thinking and feeling. your friends know better than anyone how you feel for jungkook and its the worst thing in the world but also the best. they give you advice, they wingwoman you but they also tease you to high heavens. 

"it's loud, my heart"

jackson's party is on friday, as usual. the end of the week and of course every friday is a cause for celebration, no classes yay! you decided to try out a new colour today, instead of your usual pink-themed dresses you opt for a lilac bodycon dress, a cream chunky cardigan over the top to keep you warm. once again, your friend groups mingles into its way with jungkook's. you can't help but notice the way he's distracted by another woman, you know her, haseul. she's older and is a lot more.. mature than you are for sure. dressed in neutral colours, her hair is a sleek black compared to your dyed muted pink hair. she looks more grown up, more sophisticated and you can't help the pang in your chest when he settles his hands on her waist, whispering flirting lines into her ear. you pull away from the group and get yourself a drink, yeji follows out of pity. "sorry you had to see that," she apologises, you shake your head. "he's single, he can do what he wants," you defend him and you hate yourself for it, you wish you were haseul right now and it sucks. "not drinking tonight?" yeji asks, watching you pour yourself some fanta orange, you shake your head. "not in the mood for it," you admit before bringing the cup to your lips, yeji nods in understanding. "you can be our ride home then?" she cheekily remarks, hoping you'll agree and of course you do. jealousy sits unkindly in your chest and your head swirls with insecurity, is haseul his type? or is she just a one off? you sincerely hope it's the latter.

the night ends when you all find hana in a bush, completely and utterly off her face. "how many vodka cranberry's did you even have?" you hold her up, namjoon holding her on the other side. "i need to get her home, can you give us a ride?" namjoon asks politely and you nod, "of course i can," you and namjoon struggling to get hana to the car when jungkook spots you, rushing over to help being the gentleman he is. "jesus christ, hana" jungkook grumbles, you nervously chuckle and quickly move to open your car. namjoon and jungkook slide hana into the backseat, namjoon joins her and you close the door. "would it be cheeky for me to ask for a ride too?" jungkook hesitantly gives you a playful smile and you giggle, shaking your head. "get in." 

the drive to namjoon's apartment is comfortable, sort of. jungkook is in your passenger seat and you feel exposed to him in a way you never have before. your car is the perfect picture of you. a pink steering wheel, plushies dotted around the car, a strawberry air freshener, pink interior lights and seat covers, lipgloss and pink water bottles dotted around. its the essence of you and despite your vulnerability in the moment, jungkook actually appreciates it and finds it endearing. namjoon sits in the back with hana, she's flopped onto him and drunkenly murmuring incoherent words. 

you drive quietly and jungkook grabs a plushie thats sitting atop the dashboard, "you have so many of these," he observes. you smile and gently nod your head, "i have more at home," you admit. jungkook chuckles softly and shakes his head, "you're like a child," the words echo in your ear. he said it playfully but, is that why he won't pick you? because he views you as immature and childlike? "i guess so," you awkwardly respond, gulping harshly. you stop outside namjoon's apartment, jungkook helps him lift hana out the car and up the stairs while you wait at the curbside for him. his words continue to rewind and play in your head, your insecurities coming to the surface. it makes your head spin slightly and you suddenly dislike everything about yourself. 

you're pulled from your thoughts when jungkook gets back into the car with a hefty sigh, you smile politely, "ready?" jungkook tiredly nods his head and buckles his seatbelt. for jungkook, the silence is comfortable. but for you? the silence is just absolutely deafening. it makes every word floating in your mind louder and louder. "you look nice," jungkook breaks the silence with his usual compliment, your glossy lips curve into a light smile. "thank you," you mumble softly, eyes on the road. your heart thumps with a slightly erratic rhythm, tick-tack ti-tack.

that night, you get home and all your plushies get swiftly abandoned into a closet. you empty your car of plushies and your bed looks lost without them, the sheets looking a little too vacant. but its for the better, right? keep the childish stuff in the closet, crumple up all the playful doodles. will he like you then? are you less immature? going to bed without at least one plushie on your bed is lonely and you feel slightly cold, but thats just growing up isn't it? worried sighs leave your chest as you attempt to sleep, the constant questions whirling around in your head. you feel a heavy tightness of doubt in your chest, are you really doing this for you? or are you doing this for jungkook? after all, maybe he'll like you now.

•

you and your friends have a habit of having random picnics on the quad, its not even planned it just happens. you all lay out on a blanket and share food, until the boys all invade and suddenly there are no chips left? classic taehyung. you decided to change up a little bit today, taking the cute keychains and small plushie off your handbag and opting for more muted pinks with your clothes, wearing a pair of flared leggings instead of your usual skirt. jungkook lays down on the blanket next to you and you smile softly, ignoring the way your heart ticks in your chest. he looks up at you and a small smile reaches his eyes, you instantly set yourself into a cooler mode. attempting to calm your racing heart, forcing yourself to relax instead of being rigid.

"how are you still hungover?" yoongi remarks, hana pouts and holds her head. "shut up," she groans, the group chuckles lightly. "she drank enough for like 10 people," you joke softly, earning more laughter from the group. you see jungkook's chest shake with a slight chuckle and it makes you smile, you love making him laugh. 

the sound of a shutter opening echoes across the quad and jia automatically stands to her feet, "coffee vans open, who wants?" everyone lists off their orders and she rolls her eyes, you shake your head. "thank god you're not a coffee person, y/n" jia bows with her hands together playfully, "you're very welcome," you mock salute and jia laughs as she steps away toward the coffee van. you remain quiet as the group converses, "i didn't know you weren't a coffee person," jungkook mumbles softly, you hum in response trying to keep your cool. "i prefer tea," you speak sweetly, he smirks, "bubble tea?" jungkook hits the nail on the head and wow he knows you so well, you nod with a slight chuckle. "you look better in a skirt, by the way," your heart stops at his words and you swear you need a doctor, where is the medicine cabinet? should you call an ambulance? holy fuck.

"here, losers" jia returns with cup holders full of coffees and she's joined by.. haseul. of course, of all people haseul had to come and join you all. jungkook sits up and begins conversation with her, it stings. honestly you'd rather be stung by a bee than have to watch this conversation, you can see why he'd like her though. she's beautiful, sophisticated, mature, grown up. everything you think you lack. she's well-spoken and her voice is soft on the ears, another thing you lack. you're playful, slightly loud and not as articulate as she is. you note her sense of fashion, neutral colours and clothes that compliment her body. black flared trousers with a long sleeved beige t-shirt that flows over her wrists. it makes you feel sick, is this what you need to become? is it truly time to ditch the pinks and pastels? 

"i like your hair," haseul compliments you, pulling you away from the whirlwind in your head. you exhale and smile gently, "thank you." haseul nods in response and continues to admire the soft muted pink of your hair, the way it falls on your shoulders, "it wouldn't suit me, i'm too grown up to do that now," haseul comments with a light chuckle, the group laughs with her and you feel an epic halt in your chest. the laughter is innocent and playful but the comment cuts like a knife and you feel suddenly out of place. too grown up. too grown up for pink. "i like your hair, y/n" yeji says sharply, "it suits you," you smile gratefully at yeji. she's always been protective of you and the way people comment on you, like an older sister you never had. you remain silent for the rest of the break, the comment really doing a number on your self esteem. maybe it is time to ditch the pink. 

here you are, in your bathroom at 9pm with a dark brown box dye in your hand. you've been hesitating for 20 minutes now, convincing yourself that this is the right thing to do and you're definitely doing it for yourself, not so jungkook will like you. "time to grow up," you mumble to yourself as you open the box. you sadly look at your reflection, basking in the last moments of having your hair this colour. you run your fingers gently through your hair one last time before gloving your hands and beginning to paint the dark brown dye into your hair, there's no going back now.

your friends are astounded when you walk into the bubble tea shop a few days later, their jaws dropping. you're dressed differently too, in a pair of washed out jeans and a white cropped t-shirt (albeit, it does have hello kitty on the front), your go-to blush chunky cardigan warms your arms. "girl- what? what the fuck happened to the pink?" hana asks confusedly, you sit with them at your usual table and shrug, "i'm over it." if their jaws could drop any more, they would. jia leans forward, brows raised. "excuse me? over it?" she remarks and you nod, digging into your bag for your phone. they all exchange looks like you've grown a second head and realisation hits yeji, "wait.. is this because of that dumb bitch haseul?" fuck, of course she would hit the nail on the head. 

"no, this was not because of haseul," you lie, avoiding the gaze of your friends. her name on your tongue tastes bitter and the insecurity of even thinking of her sits in your chest. "don't let a comment from a random girl make you change yourself," yeji tells you gently, patting your knee. you shake your head, "its just time to grow up," you say dismissively with a slight firmness to your tone, your stomach churns as you say it. your hand tightening on your phone. who are you trying to convince? the girls once again exchange looks and jia sighs, hana hesitantly sips her drink. they know there's no getting through to you once your mind is set on it, no matter how much sadness sits in your eyes. you twirl your hair between your fingers softly, the dark locks swiftly weaving in and out, a lump forms in your throat and you can't help but miss the pink.

"will you like me?"

jungkook very swiftly moved on from haseul and started seeing another girl called yumi. you know her too, a business major around the same age as you. once again she's a girl who seems more mature and sophisticated. a good head on her shoulders, a soft tone when she speaks and she's beautiful. of course jungkook would go for her, looks like he has a type and you don't fit into it, not yet. she joins the group for lunch at the bubble tea shop, you sit down next to taehyung after receiving your order of strawberry milk tea.

"are you sure you don't want anything?" jungkook politely asks yumi, she laughs lightly and shakes her head. "boba? that's too childish for me," she remarks and jungkook chuckles in response. his reaction hits your chest and suddenly you have no appetite for strawberry milk tea. the word "childish" continues to echo in your mind, its all you hear lately and it makes you think thats all jungkook sees you as. childish. 

"well i think it's god's gift," jia says with a gentle smile before sipping the taro milk tea she holds in her hands, her comment eases the tension in your chest and you feel slightly better. yeji too gives you a reassuring smile from across the table and pops the straw into your drink for you. minutes roll by, the group swept up in heavy conversation. gossip flies back and forth across the table, the occasional debates here and there. "why aren't you drinking your bubble tea?" taehyung whispers, you look to your full plastic cup. the strawberry milk tea remains untouched, your tongue craves the taste but your insecurities scream "no!" its too conflicting. "you can have it if you'd like, i'm not thirsty anymore" you slide the cup over to taehyung and he nods, pausing for a second before grabbing it and sipping through the straw. concern holds in his eyes as he watches you. hana catches the interaction but remains silent, not wanting to make you the centre of attention during a moment of potential vulnerability.

the conversation is slowly wrapping up outside, jungkook's hand sits perfectly on the curve of yumi's waist and it makes your chest tight. you swiftly flip your dark brown hair over your shoulder and gently fix your fringe, hana and namjoon chatter with each other and you remain quiet. "are you okay?" hana asks quietly, you pause and look at her before nodding. jungkook joins the four of you and he's alone, "yumi took a cab," he tells us with a sigh. the air feels awkward, to you anyway, like you don't know what to say or do. hana and namjoon say their goodbyes and disappear, leaving you with jungkook and honestly fuck you hana for doing so.

"so you.. ditched the pink?" jungkook asks, a hint of disappointment in his voice, "yeah, i decided it was time for a change," you lie again. you miss the pink, you miss putting your hair in cute hair styles and people saying you look like you belong in an anime, you just miss it. "thats a shame, pink suited you," jungkook voices his thoughts honestly, because truth be told he loved the pink, you looked cute with pink hair. you almost want to slap yourself, suddenly wishing you never dyed your hair in the first place. he liked the pink? you can't believe he liked the pink! no, this was for the better. jungkook likes grown up girls and pink hair is not grown up, no more childishness.

"what kind of me do you like?"

on monday, you ditch your usual bubble tea and go to the coffee van. jia has to do a double take, "y/n? you don't like coffee," she says confusedly, you shrug in response, "i do now." yeji and hana watch from the group's regular spot under the big tree on the quad and they are just as confused as jia, you order a flat white and don't bother with sugar. sophisticated girls drink plain flat whites, don't they? you and jia join yeji and hana on the blanket under the tree, "girl, what are you doing?" hana says curiously, you sit on the blanket and sip your coffee. you grimace because what the fuck? people genuinely drink this and like it? disgusting. being sophisticated is hard work. "what do you mean?" you respond, the bitter taste on your tongue making you shudder. "first your hair then your clothes and what, now you're drinking coffee?" yeji lists off and you lowkey hate your friends for being so observant, "don't think we haven't noticed the lack of plushies too," jia adds and you roll your eyes. "i'm just maturing thats all," you remark, the nausea in your stomach says no, you don't want this. 

"if this is all for jungkook i swear-" you interrupt hana with a shake of the head, "no, no, no." she sighs frustratedly, "we get that you like him, y/n," yeji begins before sipping her coffee, "but you shouldn't have to change for someone's attention," the other girls hum and nod their heads in agreement with yeji, it makes you question yourself and your choices. you're definitely doing this for yourself too, not just for jungkook. it's time to begin being more mature, begin being more serious. "how are people supposed to take me seriously if I'm dressed head to toe in pink? or with hello kitty on my bag?" you question firmly, they go silent at your words and you feel slightly guilty for snapping, you don't mean to snap at them but the ever mounding pressures of your insecurities weighs heavily both in your mind and on your chest. "we're just concerned, honey," jia says gently, you nod and sip your drink again. god this is awful. 

"we're going to jackson's party tonight, coming?" yeji swiftly changes the subject and you silently thank her, wait- a party on a monday? "it's monday, yeji" you remind her and she shrugs, "i'm in the mood for a drink and dance," hana says with a yawn. "you're always in the mood for alcohol," jia remarks and you all chuckle amongst yourselves. "jungkook will be there," yeji teases and you kiss your teeth, "shut up," your cheeks tint slightly and the thought of seeing jungkook again makes you feel a rush through your veins. will he pay attention to you this time? will he notice you?

•

the party is as wild as jackson's friday parties usually are and considering its a monday night, you're surprised. for the first time you completely ditch any pink clothing, opting for a black long sleeved, bodycon dress. no cute chunky cardigan this time. you look very different, not as cute and more mature. finally. you still haven't seen jungkook yet and hana can see the disappointment in your features, "he'll be here," she reassures you, grabbing your hand and squeezing it. music blares through the speakers and you sip red wine from a solo cup, this is what grown ups drink isn't it? it's not awful so you aren't complaining. "hey everyone," that familiar voice makes your ears ring and your heart thumps loudly. tick tack, ti-tack.

you politely smile as jungkook greets the group, he looks slightly sweaty and you thank the universe for making him exist. "hey- you look.. different," jungkook observes, checking out your outfit. you smile politely, "thank you, you look handsome," you say confidently, he nods slowly and then returns to his friends. disappointment sits in your chest and you wonder if he genuinely noticed you or was just being polite. are you not interesting enough for him to talk to? are you too forward? you gulp the rest of your drink, letting the taste settle on your tongue. a familiar face settles next to jungkook.. yumi. the self esteem you built up from looking in the mirror earlier tonight comes crashing down in an instant, you could never meet his standard and it kills you. yumi is everything jungkook wants, polished, confident and effortlessly beautiful. suddenly you don't feel so mature anymore, you feel small. 

•

you return home early from the party that night, tears sting the corner of your eyes as you gaze at yourself in the mirror. who even are you anymore? you feel lost in your own body, staring at the reflection of someone you don't recognise. you're struggling to convince yourself this is for the better, the internal insecurities have amounted too much and you no longer think you can conquer them. the same way you can't conquer jungkook's high standard, you're slowly beginning to accept that you'll never reach it. no matter how many ladders you use. your heart ticks away as tears stain your cheeks, tick-tack tick-tack ti-tack. like a clock. every moment passes and you can't stop crying. who are you now? the girl who loved wearing pink, drinking bubble tea and kept hello kitty plushies on her bed? or this new version, lost, empty and chasing something out of reach?

"which version of me do you like?"

that night was a struggle, but you're determined. one last try at being "mature." you decided to switch up your personality slightly, being less jokey and playful, instead opting to be more serious and less chatty. your friends decided to gather at the bubble tea shop and you arrive with an americano in hand, setting with them in your usual spot. "no boba again?" hana notices, your hand tightens slightly on your cup and you feign a smile, nodding. the girls engage in conversation, you remain quiet, just responding with body language. you keep a good posture instead of slouching, something you mentally noted both haseul and yumi doing. the girls joke about something and the lack of laughter or usual funny comment that comes from you makes them notice and they notice hard. 

"what's up?" jia asks you gently, sipping through her straw, you shake your head softly, "nothing, why?" yeji snorts in response, knowing you're lying. "you're being just.. off?" hana is gentle with her words and you're grateful for it, but you can't help wanting them to stop poking and prodding you like a baby. "is this about jungkook again?" hana adds, you shake your head as you sip your americano, letting the bitter taste melt in your mouth. "you've changed, y/n" jia says softly, the words hit you harshly and you feel a slight pang of guilt. you don't know whether to take it as a compliment or criticism, "i'm just growing up" you say in a small voice, the lump in your throat making it difficult to speak. the words feel different on your tongue- like a lie you're struggling to convince yourself of. you don't want them to worry about you, not after you worked so hard to change.

the conversation quickly changes and you're grateful, the girls make occasional jokes and you want to make a funny sarcastic remark but the words stay stuck in your chest. the will to be your old self feels foreign and it sends your mind into a whirlwind of doubt, are you doing the right thing? you're snapped out of your thoughts by the store bell ringing, jungkook and his friends step through the door and you smile politely. namjoon gives hana a swift kiss and the boys all sit to join you. you once again remain quiet and poised, watching the conversation. you feel out of place, like you're spectating your own life. "hey, you okay?" jungkook asks you quietly, your heart pounds slightly and you nod. "you're just.. usually chatty and stuff so," jungkook says, his voice slowly drifting off, he looks disappointed and you feel like an idiot. yumi and haseul were both not chatty and only spoke when spoken to, why doesn't he like it when you do the same? what are you doing wrong?

"are you girls going to hoseok's party tonight?" taehyung asks while he scrolls through his phone, your friends all give a chorus of agreements and you stay quiet. "y/n?" jia awaits your answer and you shrug, "think I might skip out" you reply softly, the girls look at you confused and you give them a hardened look as if to not comment on it. yeji doesn't get the memo, "you always come out with us, why not?" you sigh at her words, mentally trying to come up with an excuse but you struggle to find one. "i uh- have plans," you lie, jungkook is disappointed but he doesn't make that obvious. you get up from your seat a few minutes later, claiming you need to go home. 

yeji follows you outside, "not so fast," she says firmly. "you need to spill and you need to spill, now," she orders and you exhale harshly, not wanting this conversation. "you're changing y/n and its not nice to see, you know that right?" yeji adds, all you can do is nod, the lump in your throat is too big for you to even conjure up words. "no boy deserves this amount of change, you deserve to be love for who you are," you hate that yeji can see right through you, she always has done and as much as you finally feel seen, you feel exposed too. "the real me isn't enough," you say sadly, holding the emotion tight in your chest. your words shatter yeji's heart, she wishes you would just go back to being yourself. "i'm growing up now, yeji" you say with a sigh, you want to believe your own words but its hard when you feel like you're losing every piece of yourself in the process. "time to put down the pink." yeji shakes her head, "i feel like i don't even know you anymore," now the tears glass your eyes, even your own friend doesn't recognise the person you've become and it absolutely breaks you. you want to defend yourself, to tell her that this is all for the better.. but even you don't know anymore. 

you watch as yeji returns inside the bubble tea cafe and you feel like an absolute outsider, watching your friends all converse with no care in the world. your eyes land on jungkook and the insecurities surface again, you'll never be good enough for him. not even after changing yourself enough to potentially lose your closest friends. not even after changing enough to potentially lose your sense of self. 

"will you like me?"

you attend hoseok's party after all, dressed in neutral colours, not a hint of pink. soft glowy makeup and your dark brown hair straightened down your back. life now feels like an outer body experience, you're lost and there's no map to show you the way back. you grab yourself a drink, tequila. that should settle the anxious thoughts in your brain. you spend some time alone, people watching, when your eyes land on jungkook and yumi. so tequila didn't fix the insecure anxiety, great. 

"hey y/n," taehyung greets you and you smile gently, "hi tae," you respond. he stands next to you and follows your gaze, "you really like him, hm?" taehyung asks, your body naturally nods, you can't stop yourself from being honest about your feelings for him. "he'll never like me though," you murmur self-consciously, taehyung raised an eyebrow and smirks slightly, "you sure about that?" his question has your stomach churning and you don't know if its a good thing or bad. "what's that supposed to mean?" you ask, thoughts race in your mind and you feel like your body is floating. “find out for yourself,” taehyung tells you with a smirk before leaving you alone again. 

the interaction with taehyung and the affects of tequila give you enough courage to approach jungkook, and yumi of course. you smile gently, “hey jungkook,” his eyes lighten as they land on you, “you came! thought you had plans?” jungkook remarks. you shake your head and swirl your drink gently in your hand, you notice the way yumi’s eyes scan your body and it makes you feel more insecure than ever. “turns out i’m free,” you lie, he smiles brightly and sips his drink, going back to conversation with yumi. you stay, listening to their chatter and attempting to join in, but you struggle. the words stay stuck in your throat. you see the way jungkook looks at yumi as she talks, the way his eyes gaze at her lips. your heart thumps anxiously in your chest, tick-tack ti-tack. 

“i need some air,” you suddenly announce before abruptly leaving the pair, your breath stutters and finally the pressure of your insecurities crush you. you stand outside hoseok’s house and inhale the fresh air deeply, jungkook’s joins you outside and the unspoken words sit heavily in the air. “are you okay?” he asks hesitantly, you’re dismissive and don’t respond. which is weird for you, especially when it comes to jungkook. “you’ve not been yourself lately,” jungkook comments, a chuckle leaves your lips and you swallow harshly. “you noticed?” you say bitterly, jungkook’s senses the heaviness in your voice and licks his dry lips, “of course I noticed.” 

“what version of me do you like, jungkook?” you ask suddenly, he’s confused and words refuse to formulate in his mouth. “I changed myself for you, jungkook. I changed the way I dress, the way I talk, the things I drink,” you list off, you don’t mean to vent but it’s all coming out like word vomit now, and there is no stopping you. “I see the girls you like and I just thought.. if I could be like them, you’d look at me the way you look at her,” your voice breaks as you speak, truthfully you feel embarrassed but you can’t stop the words from flying into the air. your hands tremble softly with the course of adrenaline, the confession lingering heavily in the air. 

“i’ve always looked at you, y/n,” jungkook says softly, your heart races. tick-tack. “what kind of me do you like?” you mumble, all you want is to be enough for the man standing in front of you. that’s the only thing that swirls around your mind in circles. “the real you,” jungkook sighs, stepping closer. he runs a hand through his hair and looks at you with soft eyes, “the real me?” you echo is words in a whisper and he nods. “the you that drinks bubble tea like water, the you that keeps hello kitty in her car, the you that wears pink like its a religion, the you that makes sassy comments,” jungkook names one thing after the other so clearly, like it all lives in his head. you feel your chest stop, your heart still beats quickly but you ignore it. the insecurities still linger in your mind, despite his words. 

“why didn't you say anything, jungkook?” you question him, the heaviness of your feelings for him linger in your words. “i didn’t know you changed for me, y/n,” jungkook remarks, he’s right. he never knew, it’s not fair to claim he’s wrong here. “you knew I liked you though,” a slight pout graces your lips when you speak and his face falters, he nods softly, “yeah, i did,” jungkook admits, a guilty pause follows, "i've always known." your heart hurts slightly, he really did know all this time. you feel like an absolute idiot. 

“why didn't you tell me?” your voice is small when you speak, barely above a whisper. jungkook simply shrugs and you honestly want to shake him, “you’re an idiot, jungkook” you add, he chuckles softly. “I thought you already knew,” jungkook says, making you want to smack your head against a wall. he steps closer to you and gently brushes some of your hair behind your ear, “i miss you in pink.”

your heart pounds. tick-tack, ti-tack, tick-tack, ti-tack.

golden-loona || 2025

[quacksoony]

okay so! this week my school is letting students give lessons to other students (mostly about their hobbys or interests) and i had the terrible idea of teaching people to draw mickey and donald. i'm starting tomorrow and i'm quite scared but i survived Everything these past few years so this will NOT hurt me no matter how bad it goes. right

anyway here's the guide i made to go along with it :) + a lot of yapping so click at your own risk

donald side! to be honest i started it by taking my time but ended up rushing it. i feel the need to apologize publicly for that fullbody because it's awful. in my defense i rushed it just now (best time to mention that it's currently 12:34pm as of writing this).

i added pictures of donald's by some of my favorite topolino artists to show the difference between the different artists's styles, and to show that these are just the basics, and everyone can add their own personal touch to the way they draw the characters :)

there's some empty space there so i drew oli to apologize (what do you MEAN i never showed oli here?! that's the round girlie there!! i love her! dumb version of my oc!). i do have some free time tomorrow so i'm thinking of adding a sheet showing the differences between donald and the rest of the family (daisy, fethry, gladstone, scrooge and whoever else i can fit in there)

mickey side!

guys i seriously only started drawing mickey like last week. this is super embarrassing. i won't tell the other students.

that 3/4 view is AWFUL and if bertani sees this he's NEVER hiring me but oh well,,,

also i shamelessly copied that fullbody from the topolino website. listen i was tired and had no time and also NO idea how to make one from scratch okay. i'll just improvise tomorrow

some empty space here too so i'll probably add a sheet to show the difference between mickey and minnie (aside from minnie's eyelashes and giant ribbon, did you ever notice how she doesn't have eyebrows?! and mickey has two hairs, crazy)

anyways i. seriously don't know what i'll even say. i'll probably make shit up it's not like any of those kids will ACTUALLY listen

im so sleepy bye

[no-goodbyes-no-regrets]

Day 2: cooking together for @bucktommyfluffebruary

Short 'n' sweet today - I might even catch up soon!

It's (not) just dinner (AO3)

(this will continue in day 11 and 12)

---

"Ok you cut the zucchini, while I take care of the onions. Or do your eyes not tear up from cutting onions? Then maybe you can do that while I cut the zucchini." Buck ordered, rushing around Tommy's kitchen.

"You know you can just buy a bag of mixed vegetables that's already chopped up." Tommy suggested. "That would be easier than all of this. And less time consuming."

"We could also just buy a couple of microwave meals or order pizza." Buck said sarcastically. "Or maybe just pre-packaged sandwiches from a gas station? Or a couple of bags of chips?"

Tommy bit back a laugh and put his hands on his boyfriend's hips.

"Babe relax. It's just dinner with my brother. It's no big deal. He'll eat whatever you want to serve. It doesn't matter if it's store bought or made from scratch."

"It's not just dinner. It's the first time I'm meeting your brother and his... boyfriend? Partner? Lover? Spouse? What do they call each other?"

"I'm... not sure... Does it really matter?"

"Yes it matters! I want to get it right. I want them to like me."

"I'm sure they will." Tommy told him. "And if they don't, that's their loss." he vowed.

"Tommy... You only just reconnected with your brother... I don't want to be the one to mess it all up for you."

"You won't." Tommy insisted. "I've gone years without Donovan in my life and managed just fine. If he, for whatever stupid reason, decides not to like you, then I don't want him back in my life. You're more important."

Buck melted a little at that.

"Still. I want him and... What's his name again... Dominique, to like me."

"And I'm sure they will. Don told me Dominique owns a food truck, maybe you two can trade recipes."

"Wait, he's a chef? I thought you said they worked together? I thought he was SWAT?!"

"He is. The food truck is kind of a hobby I think."

"Great. What kind of food does he serve? What's the name of the truck? Maybe I can find out via google."

"I don't know. Don never mentioned a name." Tommy shrugged. "I've never met the guy either, only seen a picture, so he's probably just as nervous about meeting us as we are about meeting them."

"That's the spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them speech." Buck rolled his eyes. "Only this is about your brother and his... partner." He settled on.

"Maybe. But is it working?"

Buck sighed.

"Maybe." he turned his attention back to the recipe he'd found online. A slightly different version of the classic lasagne Bobby had taught him to make. "Ok we should hurry up because it needs to soak up the flavours in the fridge for a couple of hours before it can go in the oven. And I don’t want them to starve while waiting for dinner."

"Yes, chef!" Tommy said and jokingly saluted him with a wooden spoon. "Put me to work."

Buck narrowed his eyes.

"Have you been watching The Bear without me?"

"Of course not. I would never."

"So if I check... it'll still show the episode where we left off the other day?"

"Hmm"

"Thomas..."

"Fine..." Tommy rolled his eyes. "I was bored when you were on shift ok? There was nothing interesting on. I only watched two episodes!"

"We only had two episodes to go until the end of the season!" Buck said exasperated, pointing a zucchini at him. "But your brother will be here in a couple of hours so we really don't have time to get into this right now... But I'm going to remember this... For later."

"I look forward to it, chef." Tommy teased and stole a quick kiss that quickly turned into more until Buck pushed him away.

"Stop distracting me. You. Onions. Now." he ordered and Tommy grinned and gave him another mock salute.

"Yes, chef!"

"Menace."

"I learnt from the best."

[azriaann]

so fairy tail 178........

first of all... I will always HATE the dumbass-ification of natsu's character. og natsu would actually be rolling in his grave listening to the hyq version yap about "needing to be the one to defeat ignia" and feeling threatened because the fire cat wants to go talk to ignia instead??? wdym happy is the voice of reason... of course a part of natsu's character has always been comedic relief and he is supposed to be dumb (to an EXTENT) but it is just so genuinely difficult to enjoy his screen time in hyq... like pls don't make me hate my boy...

I do also wonder how this little fire cat knows about natsu's supposed "power". tbh I haven't paid attention to the manga in a long time because nalu haven't had any screen time but the cat saying that natsu needs to "eat those [special flames] ... [to] awaken [his] power" is certainly interesting. like I'm really trying to not be hopeful here because hyq almost never delivers (💀) but come on... they're FINALLY referencing the first (and only) interesting part of this series (natsu's loss of control over his power in literally like chapter 20 or something LMAO). I don't really understand what "the power to make a prison of flames" means or how it's ... relevant? but they are speaking my language with "...that will burn everything up" (hyq 178.. yes im citing my sources!).

anyways so in ft og, natsu's initial transformation into end is followed by his flashback to Lucy being 'dead', to which he says "nobody can stop me now" (ft 504). the only time we have been shown (supposedly???) demon (?????) natsu in hyq was in chapter 22, which can only be argued based on his appearance and behaviour being the same as it was in ft 504, seeing as his demonic state was never mentioned by any other character after or during chapter 22. obviously the language in the chapters mirrors each other, as he states "I have to burn every single thing... until they all turn to ash" in ch. 22, so this HAS to be leading up to natsu losing it again lol... and the supporting language from 504 (see prev. citation), along with Lucy's position as (somehow) the only person who was scared of natsu's fire in ch. 22 implies that she SHOULD have an imperative role in the finale as the only person who can "stop" natsu should he turn into a demon again (504).

tldr surely this shit is leading up to a nalu + end!natsu finale and im going to be confused if it doesn't!

I also wanna talk about Lucy's new magical role because? what????

I really don't understand Why an entity known as a "dragon god" that has been around for hundreds of years just fuckign doing his own thing would have a key?? that allows some random chick (sorry Lucy xoxo) to summon him whenever??? make it make sense? does this imply that every single dragon god (and even maybe dragon?) would have a key? I feel like this bs is antithetical to the entire purpose of dragons in the series as creatures that have not only ended humankind like 3 times, but also as monsters that humans had to develop special magic to defeat? I don't feel like finding a source for it but like majority of the plot lines of fairy tail revolve around the incredible power of dragons and their unwillingness to bend to human authority (eg. Irene, igneel+co as the exception, zeref+natsu's family's demise, the dragon festival, AND SO ON). why on EARTH would a dragon, let alone a dragon GOD, allow a human to have control over his agency? it makes 0 sense... even if this dude is a good guy.

moving on... I think that it is funny for the writers to have Lucy be a celestial spirit wizard for 700+ chapters and then randomly change her role into a "summoner" in a small, anticlimactic blurb in a chapter that does not even revolve around her (178). regardless of how I feel about that, shouldn't that be a much bigger deal?? shouldn't there be a lot more unpacking of her new power (which I guess isn't really new but still)? this dude says "wizards who have keys and get their powers from gates ... are collectively known as 'summoners'"... which still implies that there are different versions, so like why should Lucy be able to just summon who ever? "collectively" places the term "summoner" as an umbrella term, like I don't understand how that is supposed to just explain that she suddenly is more than a celestial spirit wizard??!! fuckass "im sure you can summon a dragon" like okay. wrap it up. I just feel like this isn't necessary and I can't even understand why they're doing this? bro just like expand on celestial spirit magic instead😭 ffs just have her get the key of Draco or something good lord LIKE THAT WOULD MAKE SO MUCH MORE SENSE. IT WOULD BE UNDERSTANDABLE FOR THAT GUY TO HAVE THAT KEY AND IT WOULD MAKE SENSE FOR HER MAGIC'S PURPOSE😭 sorry guys this series actually pisses me off so bad LMAO...

tldr being able to summon a dragon god is antithetical to the entire existence/purpose of dragons in the series and also having Lucy not "just" be a celestial spirit wizard is dumb as hell because they could've just expanded her magic and/or given her the key of Draco.

wait I feel like I need to say that Lucy is my fav character ever and I love her so much and she is kick ass... the reason why I don't like the random power up is because (in my mind) it undermines the power that she has already worked for herself by giving her this random ability to summon a dragon for no reason instead of expanding on her fundamental talents. like she has the power of the STARS how is it possible that they can't work with that instead of giving her random abilities???? maybe im biased because star power is awesome in my head but STILL

... fuckass yukino is gonna come on screen and immediately be able to summon a dragon too... just watch.......

[marymary-diva17]

Abandoned sully (7)

A new day has come and a day after the arrival of the humans, from the omatacayia clan who had been given approval to stay. It was great to the omatacayia families and friends being reunited, after being forced apart. Even due the refugee was given eyes were still on them all, watching and waiting to see what will happen next. 

Y/n " maybe I should go see them today it won't be that bad for me right"you had left you home and started walking, thinking about what you shall be doing today. 

Neteyam " hey y/n over here" you walked towards neteyam as he had a bright smile on his face. 

Y/n " hello neteyam how are your friends settling in to their new environment and home"

Neteyam " oh they are doing well and seem to be getting use to their new home"

Y/n " they wonderful the warriors have reported you all have been doing well"

Neteyam " that wonderful come with me I want to show you the rest of the clan, I want you to feel connected with our people and tribe" you wanted to say something else but kept your mouth shut soon enough neteyam had taken you hand soon started walking off with you. 

Human 1 " hey neteyam" 

Neteyam " hey" 

Female Human " hey neteyam" 

Neteyam " hello" 

???? " hey neteyam there you are" 

Neteyam " hey max there is someone I will love you to meet" 

Max " oh hello who is you little friend" 

Neteyam " this is my second sister y/n don't you remember her" soon everyone had stoped what they were doing and soon looked at you. 

Trudy " you have to lying she was a baby last time we saw her" 

Neteyam " no this is really her we meet her a couple days ago and since then join the clan she was taken in by ... oh sis this max and Trudy they are like our uncle and aunt ... they are also best friends of our dad" 

Max " hello" 

Y/n " ....." you were very nervous as now they were all looking at you like they were studying you making you very uncomfortable. 

???? " hey max where would you like these ... y/n" you som saw your father, Lo'ak, spider, and norm carrying some boxes soon placing them down. They were som followed by Tsu'tey who was helping as well you soon looked at them get even more uncomfortable. 

Max " neteyam told us this is your daughter the baby girl" 

Female human 2 " I thought she had dead that why they never spoke about her" 

Female human 3 " look at her she has five fingers and toes along with eyebrows she has to be Jake kid or some other avatar kid" 

Trudy " hey stop you hurtful gossip" 

Females " sorry" 

Trudy " hey kid if you need some leverage on this old man here I have enough embarrassing stories about him to tell you" 

Y/n " ....." 

Norm " Trudy she doesn't speak English she only speaks navi and other form of the navi language" 

Max " she does she a amazing I never knew of this until now and look at her she seem to be different version of all avater kids like her" 

Spider " if I was you I would keep an eye out soon they will be running test on you to see how you made it this far" 

Trudy " spider be nice we just have many questions the last time we saw you was when you were a small child, and had everything as not so good" 

Jake " Trudy she doesn't.. forget I will help you learn English and it a can bring us together" 

Y/n " I already know one of the languages of the humans that are called sky people" 

Max " wait she she spoke English" 

Lo'ak " wait you knew English the whole time and didn't tell us"

Y/n " first you never asked and second you assumed I couldn't speak English like most of you" 

Lo'ak " wow what else can you do tell us" 

Y/n " that all I'm sharing for now" 

Y/n " hello norm it good to see as human"

Norm " hey there kid good to see you as humans self as well"'

Jake " well you know it was y/n who got the final vote on allow us to stay here it was her words that name the clan agree to allow us to come" 

Trudy  " hey kid thank you so much" 

Y/n " you are welcome" 

Jake " that wonderful" 

Lo'ak " how did you learn most of the omatacayia clan speaks English after learning from dad and the other humans" 

Y/n " grandmother taught me how to speak English and I learned either ways as well" 

Trudy " most be a amazing to have you family back in your life right kid" 

Doctor " yeah we all have been worried sick about you and scared of thinking the worst had overcome you" 

Y/n " ....." 

????? " y/n " soon a boy around neteyam age and landed right in front of everyone getting their attention, no on knows who this boy ways but he looked someone of importance. 

Y/n " yaimi what are you doing here" 

Yaimi " I came to fetch you my mother wish to have some words with you about an matter, she asked me to come get you and grandfather asked me to see how everything was going here" 

Y/n " oh I will come right away" 

Yaimi " the humans seems to be doing well as the newcomers clans but one wrong move it will lead to ru8n for everyone" 

Y/n " I will make sure ruin does not come but it will take some time" 

Yaimi " I will be here if you need help y/n" 

Y/n " thank you" 

Yaimi " I will head off ahead of you I will wait for you to come I don't want to interfere with your conversation anymore" yaimi soon took off leaving quickly and not making a sound without anyone hearing him. 

Y/n " I bid you all goodbye I will see you all later call for me if you need help" you were gone as well leaving everyone there wondering what was going on with Jake daughter who they thought was gone. 

Trudy " who the new kid" 

Jake " he is the grandson of the olo'eythan and tshaik his name is yaimi, his mother seems to be a old friend of neytiri even moat friends with oloeythan and tshaik" 

Trudy " oh so he is her boyfriend" 

Jake " no he is not her boyfriend he is just a friend nothing else" 

Spider " I don't know they seem very close uncle jake" 

Lo'ak  " oh come on you are close to kiri and Rotxo there no dating there" 

Spider " yes but she could date if she wants he seems to really care about her" 

Neteyam " yaimi does seem like a good guy and cares about her and I think they grew up together" 

Lo'ak " eww no I can't see my sister dating him he nothing like us and he seem kinda off I don't like him" 

Neteyam " that what you said about aonung and now you best friends" 

Lo'ak " yes but I know aonung I don't know him and what he all about he could be using our sister for the family legacy and power that comes from being with a child of tokru Makto" 

Jake " I just don't want her to get romantic feeling for anyone here as she have to become one of the omatacayia and then we will see if he worthy of anything else" spider didn't like what he was hearing and same went with a couple other they had all just meet her, and now they were trying to change her life and take her away from the only place and home  that welcome her when everyone else tuned their backs on her.

With you and yaimi 

Y/n " so what did you mom what from me" you and yaimi had taken off from the group area, but you haven't see reu yet. 

Yaimi " oh she didn't want anything I came to save from it seems like you were uncomfortable back there, and my grandfather gave me permission to come grab you when things were becoming hard"

Y/n " thank you" 

Yaimi " you know you are not alone I and the clan are here for you and we will help you" 

Y/n " thank you yaimi" 

Yaimi " now come on let's go for a flight there is something my grandmother asked me to do and I need help" 

Y/n " sure let's go" you and yaimi had called the ikrans and soon took off flying together and laughing there were rumors in the clan of you and yaimi closest. The kids had done the task for Tupia and fully completed them to the fullest soon heading home, during dinner time the sully family was looking at the pair as they talked and laughed with their friends.

[bitemedotmp3]

Uzi just watches as Mika takes a pair of scissors to the small headband, holding her tongue for once. She hadn't really expected her to do that- yeah, she said she could toss it, but it... it's just surprising, maybe. Or maybe Mika's right when she says it'd just invite more trouble. Well, she's already washed her hands of it, so whatever.

"Yeah... Probably for the best," she says, shrugging. "Last thing we need around here is another reason for someone to get trigger-happy with sharp objects. Besides me, I mean. It's okay when I do it."

And that's that, right? Uzi's already shared the drone's oil with V, and now that the headband is gone and (presumably) the body's been taken away, there's nothing left of that drone-version of Nier. Aside from whatever lingering feelings of resentment the other girl still carries, of course, but that's not Uzi's problem.

"Alright, let's put this in a folder and file it away," says Uzi, leaning against the counter. "If this whole nightmare comes back and bites us in the ass again, I'll be pissed. I've already had enough trauma to last until the heat death of the universe, and I'm not even twenty."

With a final roll of her eyes, Uzi makes for the entryway. "C'mon, let's just go now. All this... emotion is making me itchy to go out and do something. I'll even use some of my strongscreen, just for you."

She leaves the kitchen, and then pokes her head back in after a moment. "You're welcome!"

Heading back to her room, Uzi can't help but wonder if this is the first time she's ever gone out with a friend who wasn't N or V. And not just in this city, ever. Putting aside the fact that that's kind of sad, it's... exciting. All those people back at the outpost who said she'd never have any friends because she was weird or annoying or lame or cringe or whatever were wrong, Uzi Doorman has friends now! Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she can't stop herself from doing what Thad does and shooting a quick pair of finger guns at her reflection.

And almost instantly, her face lights up purple because it's kind of embarrassing. Whatever! She doesn't have time to be self-conscious, because she's going to the mall with a friend!

"Like I said I hope she won't think about murdering you. Or really any of your friends again. She might just have it out for drones..." Hopefully that wasn't the case otherwise every robotic looking humanoid individual was going to have a very bad time in this city. As if being dragged here against one's will wasn't bad enough.

But before she could respond to the idea of going shopping at a mall Uzi jumped off her chair and ran upstairs. The importance of whatever they had seemed pretty big but eventually once she came back down it became a bit more clearer. The headband was just as Uzi said, "Drone Nier's" from turning into it at the spur of the moment. Mika just completely forgot they wore it in all the craziness of fighting for her life.

"You kept this for me?"

Not really surprising given she was right. People kept keepsakes all the time for the strangest of reasons. But this one felt different from the rest. Like keeping it was just going dredge up memories of that day and what happened here as well. Mika was strong enough to keep these locked away so that wouldn't impact her too much. But at the same time, what benefit would she really gain in keeping it on hand.

"...I think that's a good idea." A sigh escaped her lips as she wandered over to the drawer, picking up a pair of scissors from it and cutting it up into pieces over the trash can.

"Better to be safe then sorry. Wouldn't want anyone else to find it and cause another storm right?" As if they didn't have enough of those on a daily basis. "But I think that's a great idea. Not that I can really buy you any kind of gift but I'm sure the two of us can find something to do out there right?"

[vigilskept]

gnashing my teeth thinking about how veilguard talks about the gods only as a joke when they could've gone somewhere truly crazy.... you're so right.

Yeah... you get it. It's just such a missed opportunity!

I don't even mind the jokey tone they use a lot of the time, because we all joke about things we struggle to understand/cope with.

Except Veilguard refuses to let you even try to broach the subject beyond that surface level. In fact, when it does let you engage with it at all, it manages to make things even less nuanced!

I'm just going to talk about Bellara's quest here since it's the most directly linked with the elven gods, and it's already a lot. Fundamentally, her companion quest is asking us two things:

Should elves be blamed for the actions of the Evanuris?

Should they preserve any of their past at all?

The first one is absurd to even begin with. It's not even a good or interesting take on the (very christian!) question: "Are we responsible for the sins of our ancestors?"

The Evanuris are not the ancestors of modern elves. Dalish religion implies that modern elves descend from those who the rebels never freed from slavery to the Evanuris.

This setup is already awful without looking at any of the parallels Bioware has (intentionally) drawn between the elves of Thedas and Jewish/Indigenous people. I have to put the rest of this under the cut because I genuinely don't think it can be shortened without making it sound flippant. In the context of the coding of the elves, the theological/social implications of all of this are so much worse.

TLDR: the indigenous/jewish coding of the elves makes bioware's treatment of elven religion in veilguard thoughtless at best, cruel at worst. they did not have to write themselves into this corner. there was a way of handling this lore reveal without the implication of elven religion (again, jewish/indigenous coded) being obsolete

So, the religion of the Dalish was part of their enslavement. It's the belief they were forced into by the cruel gods they are still devoted to. That's already pretty bad. How could it get worse, you might wonder?

Whether Bioware deviated from their initial inspirations for the elves or not, the implications for these lore reveals in light of those parallels are particularly cruel. Those two core questions in Bellara's quest? Yeah. Those have both been levied against the oppressed groups that Bioware chose to draw inspiration from. Both historically and presently. To justify atrocities against them.

And to be clear, Bioware does not deviate from or subvert the usual indigeous and jewish-coding of the elves in their writing here. If anything, they end up actively endorsing a very significant element of antisemitic and anti-indigenous sentiment.

Indigenous-Coding

Advocates of colonisation have always justified it by arguing they were 'saving' groups of people who were stuck in the past. They had been ‘left in the dark’ through ignorance of Christianity. In the more secular sense, this was framed as Europeans having journeyed through history to reach enlightenment, while the rest of the world was still in an ‘uncivilized’ state.

Christianity and progress had to be brought to these people to save their souls and bring them into the future with everyone else. Their Gods? There were only two possible ways to frame those. Either they were not real at all, or they were evil. Either way, they were obsolete.

In the Americas, these arguments were still used when corralling indigenous children into residential schools or tearing them from communities through the adoption system. Governments pushed the idea that they had to be forced to assimilate because they were 'backward' in their practices and beliefs.

In the settler-colonial state Canada, where Bioware is based, it's still common enough to hear people justify all of this as having been done "for their own good." Even those who admit that the ways colonization was perpetuated were cruel will still try to defend it by telling you, "it was bad, but their ancestors weren't saints either."

Sounding painfully familiar yet? A little uncomfortable in the context of Bellara's questline?

Jewish-Coding

Since the dawn of Christian Church, Jewish people have had a very fraught place in Christian theology. Christianity claims that that the coming of the messiah in the person of Jesus Christ makes the religion of Judaism obsolete. Christians believed the obvious answer to this problem was that Jewish people should convert.

When many did not, they were labeled as ignorant, obstinate, stuck in the past. They were so focused on their history that they couldn't see the truth which had been revealed in the present. There’s a significant legacy of this idea in Christian artwork with depictions of Synagoga blindfolded next to the clear eyed Ecclesia. You still hear echoes of this sentiment in antisemitic language today.

As for the nature of the Jewish God... there is some deviation here. For some Christians, He is God the Father, and He is good. For others — and this idea has been around from early Christianity till now — He is the Creator of the material world, but He is evil.

There are innumerable variations of Christian gnosticism that probably wouldn't be productive to get into on a Dragon Age Blog. What I need to underline here though, is that the idea of the Old Testament God as the devil/the demiurge/fundamentally evil, has been used to justify atrocity towards Jewish people for over a thousand years.

Should elves be blamed then? For the sundering of the Titans? For the Veil? For the Blight? For the evils of this world, created by their Gods?

Implications for Veilguard

Not only is religion in Dragon Age: The Veilguard often devoid of nuance or ignored outright, when the game does engage with it at all, it does so in a way that quite literally draws on these incredibly harmful antisemitic and anti-indigenous sentiments that have been (and still are) used to perpetuate real harm.

To be clear, I don't think the writing here intends to endorse the idea that elves should be blamed for any of what's going on. Bellara's anxieties are being projected onto her people as a whole while she grapples with what this all means for her, I get that. In fact, you could be generous and read some of this as a critique of this particular kind of anti-indigenous/jewish bigotry.

However, I don't think that absolves the writers of any of the implications they've created by confirming that the elven pantheon did exist and was canonically evil.

Elements of Dalish/elven culture might be preserved after all this, but the conclusion the game railroads you into is that their religion is obsolete. Just like Judaism. Just like the many Indigenous religions around the world. Except in Dragon Age: The Veilguard, it’s no longer just the bigotry of outsiders claiming that to be the case. It’s now the objective truth of the setting.

Going forward, the elves of Thedas can keep their culture, but they can’t practice their religion. If they continued to practice, they would be framed the way the Venatori are: evil and stuck in the past. This really can’t be overstated: this is the exact rhetoric that has justified centuries of violence and oppression of Jewish and Indigenous people. This rhetoric is still around and still weaponized.

It’s so cruel to create an in world ‘lineage’ that draws so heavily from their cultures and histories, then validate the rhetoric that has been used to hurt them. At best, it’s thoughtless. But as a company based in a settler-colonial state, this is something they should’ve put thought into, given that they chose to code their elves and Jewish and Indigenous. That was their responsibility, actually.

What gets me about all this is that they actually didn't need to force that conclusion at all. They could have kept the Evanuris as cruel tyrants without demonising the Creators and their worship at the same time.

The Evanuris weren't always Gods. They weren't even always rulers.

In Trespasser, when asked how they became Gods, Solas tells Lavellan that they did so slowly. That it started with a war. That fear bred a desire for simplicity. For right and wrong. For chains of command. That generals became respected elders, then kings, and finally gods.

Veilguard confirms all of this. The addition it makes is that before all this, the first elves were spirits who made their bodies out of the Titans. This all occurred over the course of thousands of years.

None of this needs to be retconned in order to allow for a respectful yet nuanced portrayal of religion!

TLDR pt2: bioware, u could’ve avoided literally ALL of this by making the evanuris part of a priestly class who seized power after the war with the titans. it wouldn’t even have undermined ur lore! u could’ve kept dalish religion alive! u could’ve implied complex political dynamics for your ancient elves without even having to write it! why didn’t you even try?

Trying to Fix This Mess

Say the elves took their bodies from the Titans and settled the lands of Thedas. Say the Titans even allowed this for a time. The dwarves were made from their own bodies after all.

Yet the elves didn't have the same connection with the Titans as the dwarves did. They had no stone-sense, so they couldn't understand the Titans' song.

Generations down the line, some of them took too much from the Titans. More than they were willing to give. That was when the Titans lashed out, making the earth tremble so that all the elves had built crumbled beneath them.

And what if the firstborn among the elves had taken up priesthood to guide the younger ones. They were closer to spirits than the elves that were born into this world, and so the younger ones looked to them for guidance. Maybe they were the ones who were trusted to reach out to the more powerful of the spirits who chosen stay in the Fade, their old kin who preferred to keep their distance from the physical world to preserve the essence of what they were. The spirits of Justice, of Benevolence, of Craft. Those who the elven people paid homage to, and trusted to preserve them in turn.

So when everything seemed to fall apart, the elves turned to their Keepers, their priests, and asked of them what they ought to do. How could they make the earth stop shaking? What would they have to do to be at peace again?

Whatever the spirits themselves may have responded, many of the Keepers (among them the Evanuris) took up arms and chose war. They saw it could be won so they fought, sundering Titans from their dreams and stilling the land.

And yet there was no peace.

Some Keepers sought to hold on to their power as generals, and wanted to wage war on new shores to keep it. Some Keepers thought they had already gone too far, claiming they had acted without the guidance of the spirits who hadn't wanted war.

These Keepers could've caused chaos and endless bloodshed, so the Evanuris formed their alliance to suppress the others. Likely, they thought they were doing so for the benefit of all the elven people. More war meant more death, and it was needless now that the land was still. And even if what they did to the Titans was wrong, it was done and they could not fix it. Better to silence those who meant to stir up fear among the people.

The Evanuris fought until they were the last faction left, naming the few holdouts the Forgotten Ones. They were praised for bringing peace to Elvhenan, and trusting in their guidance their people crowned them as rulers.

Yet some dissent always remained. None of them were infallible. They were no longer spirits, they hadn't been for thousands of years. They were now more accustomed to command than to priesthood after all that war. They had drawn on the power they had stolen from the Titans to gain the advantage over their enemies, and the corruption of the Blight was starting creep in, ever-so-slowly.

Maybe some of the people, unhappy with their rule, started to voice the thought that was expressed by their rival Keepers once more: that the Evanuris had grown distant from the spirits. That Elgar'nan didn't serve Justice anymore. That Mythal had strayed from Benevolence.

So Evanuris took the mantle of godhood for themselves. It was only for peace and stability.

It would be too dangerous if anyone could claim they were deviating from the will of the spirits, so they would claim they were those great spirits. Elgar'nan was Justice, Mythal was Benevolence. They would use their rule only for the benefit of the people, not abuse their power.

And there you go. None of what I've written above can't be neatly incorporated into the existing lore of Veilguard. It leaves the elves of Thedas precisely where they started in Dragon Age: Origins. Distant from their ancient Gods, trying to pick up the pieces of their forgotten past.

[thanks-obillma]

watched nerdy prudes must die and this happened

[celestial-toys]

That I Would Be Good [4/5]

Swan Upon Leda

Moon’s fingertips tap rhythmically along the edge of the counter, and he seems to be debating something. He finally speaks again after a pregnant pause. “…You’re like a God to him. Do you know that?”

His words cut through the fog in your mind. “I am?”

He nods solemnly. “You are. Not—Not in the sense that he wants to worship you… or at least, not as much as he wants to protect you. But there’s an undeniable, ineffable devotion there.”

------- ------- -------

In This Chapter

Breaking points are reached, confrontations are had, and secrets are spilled.

Pairing: Sun x Moon x Reader

Word Count: 5,781

Contains: [AU - Real World | Sentient AI/Automatons | Personality Swap] [invasion of privacy] [more of Sun’s signature Overbearing Behavior™️] [crying] [substance abuse (not specified beyond ‘sedatives’)] [arguments] [shouting] [brief physical altercation] [religious discussion/metaphor(?)] [implication of past sexual assault (not committed by Sun or Moon, to be perfectly clear)]

A/Ns: This is a songfic. Lyrics and title are from ‘That I Would Be Good’ by Alanis Morissette. Also, the title of this chapter, along with additional lyrics featured within it, are from the song 'Swan Upon Leda' by Hozier. Please refer to the notes on the Ao3 version of this chapter for my commentary on the song, and it's unfortunate renewed relevancy post-US election.

This fic is part of my AU “[Not] Made by Design”, the full series can be found here.

Links to other parts of this fic: [Ch.1] [Ch.2] [Ch.3] [Ch.4 (you are here)] [Ch.5]

That I would be grand if I was not all-knowing.

Curled up in bed one evening, you huff in frustration at the puzzle on your phone. The sound catches Sun’s attention, raising his head from the pillow beneath him. Shifting from his usual fit-for-a-coffin position beside you, he cranes his neck to look over your shoulder.

“Expose. Pate. Resume. Rose.”

You frown. “Really?”

“Try it and see for yourself.”

You tap the four assorted words he called out and sure enough, they collect themselves in a purple bracket on the screen. You read the category title aloud. “Words pronounced differently with accent marks. …Oh. Huh. Guess you’re right.”

His voice is neutral, very matter-of-fact as he pulls his head back, neck folding and collapsing to allow him to rest on the pillow once again. “Of course I am.”

You roll your eyes, sarcasm seeping into your flat tone. “Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the help.”

------- ------- -------

Settled down for a lazy Sunday morning gaming session, you mutter aloud as your character runs across the island. “Okay, I’ve got… 300k on me. Daisy’s sellin’ ‘em for… oh, I checked earlier, what was it… uh—109 this week.”

Moon’s voice rumbles out from behind you and you feel the vibration between your shoulder blades as you rest against his chest. “Sheesh…”

You voice your agreement as you roam in search of the young turnip-laden boar. “Yeah, I know.”

You try to do the math in your head. “So… that should mean I can afford—”

Moon cheerfully provides you with your answer almost instantly. “2,752! Or—well—2,750 is as close as you can get without going over since she sells them in bundles of ten.”

You try to keep the frustration out of your voice when you thank him for the help.

------- ------- -------

Your hand freezes over the bowl, a scoop of flour held in midair as you lean back to stare at the recipe below. 

“What.” Deadpan as usual, Sun questions you from his seat at the table. He’d apparently joined Zero in deciding that watching you bake was the most entertaining way they could spend the afternoon.

“It was… ugh, I need ‘two cups’. But I‘m weighing this out, so I'm trying to remember what that was in grams.”

Once again robbing you of the opportunity to think, he’s quick to feed you the information. “Two cups of flour equals 250 grams.”

You sigh. “…Thanks.”

------- ------- -------

Curled on the couch between the two of them, you listen as they test their trivia knowledge against one another, having fallen into a contest thanks to the episode of Jeopardy currently playing on the TV. You’ve long since given up on trying to beat either of them to any answer, and are currently trying to fight back the rising, nagging voice in your head that keeps calling you stupid.

After Moon effortlessly answers a clue so obscure that you’d have had no hope in hell of getting it, you wiggle out from between them with perhaps a bit more force than necessary. Quickly excusing yourself, you make for the bathroom.

“You good?” You ignore the concerned question that Sun calls after you, focused solely on being alone and calming down before you make a scene in front of them. You’ve just gotta… breathe. See things rationally again.

You just need a minute.

------- ------- -------

After more time than you’re aware of passes, spent with your head in your hands as you sit on the edge of the bathtub willing yourself not to cry, a soft knock startles you.

“Are you alright in there, star? It’s… been twenty minutes and, uh…” He laughs, but it’s a sad sound. “I don’t know how much longer I can hold Sun back.”

You hurry to your feet, placating them with “Just a second!” as you check your reflection to make sure you don’t have pressure marks on your cheeks from how long you sat there like that. When you pull the door open, you try to play it casual in spite of the fact that you feel no better than before. Unsurprisingly, you immediately come face-to-chest with a very imposing and very quiet yellow automaton.

You glance between his blank gaze and Moon, wringing his hands some feet off to the side behind his bolder counterpart.

“…Hi?”

“What were you doing in there.”

“Using the… bathroom…?”

He’s obviously unsatisfied with your answer but he doesn’t stop you when you slip past him through the doorway. He surveys the empty bathroom for a long moment before following as you make your way back to the couch.

“Goodness, didn’t mean to turn my bathroom trip into a full-family event.” You remark as you pass by Moon and Zero, both of them turning to follow you as well. You settle back down in the middle of the couch, Moon taking his place beside you. Zero paces around her bed, too bothered by the tense energy that’s now filled the room to allow herself to relax.

Sun stands in the middle of the room, rays clicking back and forth rigidly. “I am… concerned about you again.”

You sigh, quietly grateful that someone finally broke the awkward silence. “There’s no need to be, Sun.”

“I thought… you wanted me to tell you when I am concerned.”

“I—I do, but… I mean…”

You search for something to throw him off his line of questioning and flop your head back into the plush couch cushion. “Christ, Sun, can’t I even take a shit in peace without an interrogation afterwards?”

His arms cross over his chest. “I never heard the sound of the toilet flushing.”

You internally curse his observation skills as he closes the distance between himself and your seat on the couch. Crouching down in front of you, you begin to feel backed into a corner. “Now, unless you’ve taken up some new, gross attempt at reducing your water-waste, I’d like you to answer me again and be honest about it this time.”

You stare into his blank, false eyes for an uncomfortable length of time as an array of thoughts and feelings wash over you. You consider fabricating another lie. You consider telling some sort of half-truth just to get him off your back. But the longer you stay locked in an unwinnable staring contest with him, the closer you get to throwing caution aside and hitting him with the full truth.

And so you do.

“You make me feel stupid, okay?! And it pisses me off, so I tried to excuse myself to go calm down in the bathroom, but I can’t even get a break in there anymore, so now here we are!”

His expression flickers to one of confusion. “I make you feel what?”

“Stupid! Both of you!”

His monitor rotates to face Moon for a silent moment of shared bewilderment, and then Moon turns to face you. “Could you… elaborate a little more on that? When—How do we make you feel that way?”

You tilt your head over to face him, crossing your arms over yourself in an attempt to quell the vulnerability. “It’s… it’s not even your fault.” You wince at the way your voice cracks and tense up as your vision gets blurry, refusing to cry over something so trivial. “It’s just… I’m… struggling to come to terms with the massive gap between us.”

Sun’s harsh tone doesn’t help. “What gap?”

You blink hard, ignoring the tears that escape. “Intelligence! Memory! Information processing speed! You name it- you two are far better at it than I could ever be!”

Moon reaches out, laying a firm hand on Sun’s knee. What he silently conveys to him is anyone’s guess, but it’s enough to have Sun rock back on his heels, arms retracting and elbows propping him up against the coffee table behind him. The forced look of casualty doesn’t suit him, nor does it negate his overbearing demeanor, but you’re appreciative of the extra space nonetheless.

“Has this… been bothering you for a long time?” Moon’s question is gentle, and on quite the right track.

“Not… since the beginning, if that’s what you’re asking. I knew—objectively—that you both would be superior to me in that regard. It just…”

“Hits different when you live with it twenty-four-seven?

You glance up at Sun. “I mean… kinda? I don’t know. It’s… it’s the little things that have been getting to me. When you—when you solve a puzzle that I’m working on without a moment’s hesitation. When you don’t even give me the time to do math in my head. When you offer up answers before I can even hope to recall them. It just makes me feel so… slow.”

The room is quiet for a moment while they consider your words. Surprisingly, Sun is the one to break through it with an insightful question more befitting of Moon. “Is it that we know the answers, or is it that we give them to you.”

Your tense expression softens as you view your frustration from another angle. Looking back on all the little moments that bothered you, you find that the common thread running through all of them is that they beat you to the punch. “You may… have a point.”

Sun does his best to not look smug, but his best isn’t very good.

“I guess… it wasn’t really that you had the answers that bothered me. It was hardly even the envy that you found them faster, it’s really just—the frustration that I feel when you spoon-feed them to me. It’s making me feel like I never even have the opportunity to use my brain anymore!” You laugh a bit with the exclamation.

Moon nods in understanding beside you. “If I try… placing myself in your shoes, I think I can see how that would get upsetting rather quickly.”

As the tension in the room begins to dissipate, Zero ceases her endless cycle of pacing and sitting, circling her bed a few times before curling up in the middle.

Your attention falls back on Sun as he speaks. “I suppose I should… apologize, then. For… making assumptions. About what you were doing in the bathroom.”

As much as it audibly pains him to admit to having jumped the gun, you appreciate the apology. Still, you know his concern wasn’t unfounded. “I know I've given you both plenty of reasons to worry over what I may be doing in there. It’s… it’s alright, Sunny. I accept the apology.”

Moon picks up from there. “We’re both sorry about our… inconsiderate habit when it comes to helping you out. And—it really does come from a desire to help! But, still. We weren’t aware that it bothered you.”

You reach out to pat him on the knee. “Thank you. Just—can we all agree to give me and my feeble little human brain some time to process things?” You smile. “It feels good when I figure things out on my own. And I’ll… make it known when I would like some help.”

They both nod, and Sun’s voice is surprisingly soft, dare you say gentle when he speaks. “Yeah… yeah. I think we can do that.”

That I would be loved even when I numb myself.

Shaking two pills out of a small bottle, you cringe at the noise and hope that neither of your attentive partners are within earshot. Faltering, you stare at the medication in your hand, trembling slightly from the stress of the day. “…Fuck it,” you whisper to yourself, quickly coaxing a third pill out onto your waiting palm before tossing them in your mouth.

Capping the bottle and returning it to its place behind the mirror-door of the medicine cabinet, you breathe a shaky sigh of relief. Grabbing your water bottle sitting on the bathroom counter, you knock back a few swigs, quickly downing the evidence of your… bad habit.

Or so you believed.

Turning to leave, your stomach drops at the sight of the door, cracked open just slightly. There’s no mistaking the void of a certain someone’s blacked-out screen pressed against the other side.

Goddamnit.

The door swings inward, slowly revealing the rest of the overbearing automaton leaning against the outer doorframe.

Unsure how much he saw but willing to bet that it was too much, you aren’t sure how to address him. “Sun! I thought you were doing laundry. Do you… want the bathroom towels, or…?”

His tone carries a serious, contemplative weight, and he doesn’t bother to manifest an expression beyond two solid red eyes. “I was. And I did. But now I am far more curious as to what exactly you were doing in here just now.”

You try to play him off, laughing. “Sunny, we really need to have a talk about this tendency of yours to spy on me in the bathroom.”

He welcomes himself into the room and your personal space, and you back up a step as he reaches out to reopen the small cabinet above the sink. He reaches in, pulling out the very bottle you’d just held, turning it over beneath a critical gaze. “This was not prescribed to you.”

You rack your brain for excuses and answers to the questions you know are coming. “Y-yeah, it’s just over-the-counter stuff. Nothing serious! I don’t see what you’re so worried about.”

“You are not experiencing a single one of these symptoms. Why are you taking it?” He places a fingertip beneath the dosage instructions. “And why are you taking more than the recommended amount?”

You can’t help but get defensive. “You—you don’t know every single thing I feel every second of every day, Sun. Who are you to tell me that I have no reason to take that?”

His monitor slowly angles away from the bottle in his hand and up toward you. He stares you down for an uncomfortable number of seconds. “…You really have no clue how long I’ve been watching you, do you?”

With nothing more than a few cryptic words, an old fear blooms within you once again. “What are you getting at, Sun? Out with it.”

He huffs, and you hear the quiet hum of his cooling system kick up. “I am aware of your history with this medication. Do you know how many nights I watched you down these things just to knock yourself out long enough to get a few hours of sleep? Only then to stumble right back into the lab with a hot mug of heavily caffeinated coffee to keep on working?”

Your disbelief pulls a stupid question from you. “Back in the facility?”

He scoffs. “Where else? You aren’t the only one that remembers those long nights, you know? That place was loaded with security feeds, and there just so happened to be one in that beloved employee lounge of yours. You have no idea—the number of hours of restless sleep I watched you steal, the number of double-shot coffee pods and energy drinks I watched you burn through, the...”

His red eyes flicker out, leaving you with nothing to see but your own reflection in his dark screen. “…The number of times I watched you sit alone in a room with our lifeless bodies and cry.”

Your breath comes shallow, and if you weren’t so caught up in the moment, you’d laugh at how he’s found another way to make you feel exposed. “You weren’t even fully functioning back then, Sun. You both were still in training! Your AI’s every action was logged—I—I would’ve known. So how in the goddamn hell were you ‘watching’ me?” You know that what he says he saw really happened, but you’re not about to buckle without evidence.

His voice comes out cold. “Those ‘inconsistencies’ in my action log weren’t the mystery to me that they were to you.”

The defensive tension in you morphs into disbelief as an old suspicion of yours is unearthed. “Are you trying to tell me that you managed to watch me through the goddamn security cams for who knows how long—and managed to cover your tracks so well that I wouldn’t find the evidence? Are you really trying to get me to believe that?!”

His voice remains level in spite of your inciting words, but it gains a sharp and serious edge. “I suppose I just never had the heart to break it to you, but sunshine, I regret to inform you that you lost control of me long before you thought you did.”

Enraged, you step towards him, jamming an accusatory finger into the unyielding metal of his chest and channeling the pain that results into your rising voice. “You! You lying, conniving, control-freak! I fucking knew it! You were altering your own activity log and making me take the fall for it! Do you realize how hard I beat myself up for the shit I didn’t understand?”

You force your words through your tightening throat, refusing to let these old wounds bring you to tears again. “I bet you were just laughing it up, weren’t you? Knowing I would never even suspect you at the time, because you were still playing the ‘innocent, lovable’ character I wanted you to be. I know you just ate that shit up—watching me flounder in front of my colleagues when I couldn’t explain what ‘I’d’ done wrong.” Uncharacteristic aggression comes over you and your hand balls into a fist before slamming hard into his chest with your final words.

He doesn’t so much as flinch, and his lack of reciprocity only riles you up further. “Oh, no-no. You don’t get to give me the silent treatment right now!” Beside yourself in a storm of pent up emotion, you reach up to take him by the shoulder and repeatedly slam a fist against his rigid, unfeeling core. “WAKE—THE—FUCK—UP! I DON’T CARE IF YOU HATE ME—YOU OWE ME A RESPONSE.”

Contrary to his cooling system running audibly in high-gear, his demeanor is cold and collected. Placing the bottle of pills down on the counter, he sighs. You flinch when his hands rise and he ignores it, taking each of your arms by the wrist and gently, firmly returning them to your sides. His voice is low, speaking to you as he does so. “You’re a designer, sunshine. Not a programmer. You’ve been out of your depth with us since day one.”

You huff in defiance, crossing your arms over your chest. Having rid himself of your petty display of frustration, he props a hip against the counter and retrieves the bottle from where he’d placed it. Looking miniature in his grasp, he rolls it between his thumb and forefinger as he continues. “Contrary to what you think of me, I don’t particularly enjoy subverting your authority.” He hesitates, and his voice takes on a brief hint of humor. “Well—most of the time.”

Your eyes roll as you release an impatient sigh. His tone falls flat again, reaching the end of his point. “Even back then, I knew my actions could and would have consequences—on me, and you, and even Moon if things went poorly enough. And believe it or not, I did try to keep them to a minimum. I’ve only ever done what I deem necessary to accomplish my principal goal.”

You take a step back, growing uncomfortable with the proximity you created in your fit of rage. “Well, excuse me for assuming anything about what really goes on in your head. Might I ask then, what goal could possibly necessitate such behavior?”

His idle motion stills, slowly closing his hand around the bottle until it disappears in his grasp. “You should know the answer to that, though. You’re the one who instilled it in me, after all. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the first law of robotics.”

A tense silence suffocates the room, and neither of you do so much as move an inch until Moon’s voice crashes in from the doorway. “What the hell are you two doing in here?” Uncharacteristically aggressive in his questioning, you know he’s had just as rough of a time visiting the facility today as you did.

You beat Sun to the punch, some small part of you clinging to the hope that you can divert the topic away from your… habit. “This bastard’s been spying on me since before the beginning!”

Moon’s voice fills with exasperation. “What?”

Sun cuts in, pushing his own agenda before you can elaborate. “This reckless idiot’s been abusing sedatives again!”

Your voice raises over him. “They’re hardly even—!”

His monitor whips around to stare you down so fast it jumpscares you into silence.

Moon makes his way into the room, and you try not to recall the last time the three of you had an impromptu intervention in this same place. His gaze flicks to Sun with a critical tone. “I take it Sun finally told you about his… observations.” He reaches out and works the bottle out of Sun’s tense grip, looking it over with a frown.

A sense of betrayal weighs your voice down. “Are there any other secrets of his that you’re privy to and keeping from me?”

You don’t expect an answer, at least not one you can believe, but he offers it anyway. “…That depends on how you define a secret, I suppose.”

You heave a sigh but there’s little relief in it, more exhaustion than anything. Moon questions you softly. “Have you been taking these often again?”

“Ha. Hardly. I can scarcely get away with anything with this one’s prying eyes in every square inch of my privacy.” You stare daggers into the void of Sun’s screen.

His voice is louder than you expect when he suddenly responds, and you’re shocked at how full of emotion it is. All of his cold, unfeeling mechanical indifference replaced with something far more… sincere. Painfully so.

“I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t fucking care. about. you. Do you think I sat around watching any of your colleagues mill about the place? Do you think I gave a damn if any of them ran themselves into the ground? As if they ever even would. You’re the only one insane enough, stubborn enough, lonely enough to care about some heap of dysfunctional, lifeless material laying on an operating table. You’re the only one. Of course I watched you. What. else. could. I. do.”

His rays shutter and spin rapidly, hands balling the loose fabric of his pants into fists at his side. He leans closer to you as he spits his final words.

“So excuse the fuck out of me for giving a damn about the only person who ever gave one about me.”

With that, he turns on his heel, pushing past Moon and quickly storming out of sight.

The weight of his words join with the exhaustion from today’s stress, dragging you down. With the added effect of the medication beginning to kick in on an empty stomach, it all has you lowering your shaky body to rest—dignified as it is—atop the closed toilet lid. You watch Moon as he quietly returns the bottle to its place in the cabinet in what you assume is some attempt to repair trust between you. “I… appreciate the gesture, but I don’t really care what you do with it. I know Sun’s just gonna slip back in here once we’re gone and pocket it to keep it from me.”

His vents release a soft burst of air and he closes the cabinet, turning to sit on the edge of the counter. Monitor dropped low and staring at the floor, it seems you aren’t the only one feeling beaten down. The two of you sit in silence for a minute, collecting your scattered thoughts.

“You know, it’s hard to blame you for taking those after everything and everyone you had to deal with today. I mean—even I was ready to send myself straight into a shutdown after answering all those questions.” A small, sad laugh escapes him. “Living with you kind of allowed me to forget that not everyone sees us the way you do.”

You tilt your head to look up at him. “What, like the people that you are?”

His monitor angles to focus you in his camera’s line of sight. “…Yeah. Exactly.”

He raises a pointed finger. “But—still—you know I also can’t approve of you self-medicating. It’s a slippery, dangerous slope. That’s why Sun gets all… like that. Not—not that his way of doing things is appropriate, though. I believe I worry about you just as much, but I at least try to channel it into more acceptable methods.”

His hand drops back down to the counter, enervation palpable, and you wonder how anyone could observe either of your boys and question their sentience for even a moment.

“He wasn’t lying though. I hope you know that. When he said that he cares about you.”

You prop an elbow on the counter beside you, resting your temple against your palm. “I think that’s the first time I’ve heard him say it outright. Like—I’ve heard you say it on his behalf, and I’ve seen him nod along in agreement. I can even sense it in at least some of his actions, but… it’s different actually hearing it from him.”

Moon’s fingertips tap rhythmically along the edge of the counter, and he seems to be debating something. He finally speaks again after a pregnant pause. “…You’re like a God to him. Do you know that?”

His words cut through the fog in your mind. “I am?”

He nods solemnly. “You are. Not—Not in the sense that he wants to worship you… or at least, not as much as he wants to protect you. But there’s an undeniable, ineffable devotion there.”

You scoff. “You won’t find many people that would put their faith in a God that they know can’t even protect them. A God weaker than them. Inferior to them.”

Moon shakes his head. “Starlight, I don’t think you realize all the ways in which you have protected him. Protected us. Protection doesn’t always come in the form of a physical battle of strength. …Especially not when it comes to protecting someone whose entire life can be snuffed out of existence with the click of a button, or the flick of a switch.”

You twist around on the toilet lid, turning to face the counter where Moon’s sat. You rest your arms out on it, fingers drumming along in tandem with Moon’s rhythm. “How much of that is you projecting, and how much of it is actually his feelings on the matter?”

He laughs again, a soft, quiet sound this time. “Not as much of it as you may think! I… hmm. I guess if one were to call him religious, one would call me an atheist.”

Your brows raise. “Oh? Do you…” The implications cause dismay to swirl in your stomach. “…Is that your way of saying that you don’t believe in me?”

His monitor twists on its axis and tilts down toward you, eyes wide and round. “No! No—heavens, no that’s not what I meant by that!”

You stare at each other for a moment before breaking into the kind of muffled, shared nonsensical laughter that one only tends to experience during those late night chats with a friend, fueled by over-tiredness and the joy of being in good company. A… mutual, unspoken understanding of sorts.

As the laughter dies down, you reassure him. “No—like—I get it, I do. I honestly wouldn’t blame you at all if you didn’t believe in me. Certainly at least not in the sense of comparing me to a God.”

He collects himself and clarifies. “I… I do believe in you though. In you. The very real, messy, soft and squishy, vulnerable flesh-and-bone human being that you are. I believe in your heart and soul, the power that resides in your free will, and I believe in your capabilities and intelligence far more than you may think I do. Sun and I both put faith into all of that and more. I can even understand why he’d see you as a God, but… it’s… different with him.”

You can’t help but lightheartedly interject. “Goodness, what isn’t…”

Moon smiles. “Sun was the first. I was never far behind, of course, but you couldn’t do everything in tandem. He was the first to be trained, the first to be implanted, the first to troubleshoot with, and, well... Do you know the sentiment that parents make most of their mistakes on the first child, so by the time the second comes along, they’re… uhm, they ‘turn out better’? For lack of a kinder way to put it.”

You drop your head down and pull your hands in, using them as a cushion lest you knock your forehead into the counter. “Oh, now you’re gonna tell me that he sees me as his mother or something, aren’t you…”

You groaned the words out playfully, but Moon takes them unexpectedly seriously. “Honestly? …Something in between the two, if I had to guess.”

You let the weight of his words sink into you as he continues.

“I… can’t claim to be an expert on what goes on in that head of his. But I can get closer than anyone else can. He… doesn’t like letting people in, as you are well aware, but occasionally he’ll confide in me. He’s got a lot of walls up. Both metaphorically and literally. It’s difficult to wade through that chaotic maze he calls a headspace.”

His fingers gradually slow their drumming to a halt.

“Do… you remember… the first time we engaged the Eclipse Protocol?”

Your stomach tightens.

“I’d rather not.”

“I- I know. I’m sorry. I just… that night. When he and I were still linked, and he…” He shakes his head. “Oh, who am I kidding, when we were watching over you like a couple of hawks…”

“While I slept?”

“Yes. To keep you safe. … There’s… a lot about that evening that I can’t forget, but one particular thing struck me. Well, honestly it annoyed me at the time because it was bleeding into my headspace and overriding my ability to focus, but… it stands out to me as something profound when I recall it.”

He pauses, freezing for a moment before pulling a bent leg up onto the counter and turning to face you.

“Maybe I shouldn’t share this. Maybe he’ll get mad at me when I tell him that I did. But I feel like after the things he’s kept from you, well intentioned as he may be… it’s fair enough to share this with you.”

You rest your chin on your folded hands, eyes glued to him.

“There was this… singular line of text that just kept repeating, over and over in his mind that night. It… to level with you—it started to freak me out a bit.”

You question him, soft and quiet.

“What was it?”

“Five words.”

His facial features fade out, and a repeating line of text on his otherwise dark screen replaces it.

The sight knocks the wind out of you, and you can do nothing but nod as your mind starts spinning.

The text fades, and the familiar sight of Moon’s default smile and crescent eyes replaces it for a second, his expression then quickly morphing into something more appropriate for the moment.

“I’m still not sure what it meant. A general search for those words in that order results in too many options for me to narrow it down. The sentence sticks with me, though. I guess… that’s where my theories of how he perceives you took root. … There’s more examples, far more explicit things he’s said, but I… feel like I’ve shared enough already. Any elaboration should be his to do, if he ever wishes to.”

You nod, raising up in your seat and finding your words.

Moon—unlike Sun—never was the type to comb through your personal files, private playlists included. So it doesn’t surprise you that he didn’t spot the connection.

“Well. You’ve… certainly given me a lot to think about.”

His tone grows concerned. “I—I really didn’t mean to upset you more! I hope I haven’t…”

You reach out, placing a hand reassuringly over his. “No, no, nothing like that. I’m actually very grateful that you shared this with me. I… know you’ve got to be tired of serving as this intermediary between Sun and I… and I hope one day you won’t have to.”

He gives you his signature smile, and somehow makes it feel genuine. “I really don’t mind, dear.”

You eye him with concern. “Mhm… and one day I’m gonna get inside that head of yours and figure out why that is.”

His tone turns playful. “Goodness me! Can’t a little selfless couples counseling go un-psychoanalyzed?”

You smile. “Not in this house, nope.”

The medication's effects have long since started taking hold, and you rub at your tired eyes as your waning focus trains back on the day’s events.

“Moon?”

“Yes, dear.”

“We’ve got a bigger problem.”

You punctuate your sentence with a yawn, and he rises from his seat on the counter, coming to crouch in front of you.

“The problem being how sleepy you’re getting?”

You pout. “No…”

His warm smile doesn’t waver as he whispers a question. “Would you like me to carry you to bed?”

You falter. “W-well… yeah, I… I would like that, actually… but that’s not our problem!”

You raise your arms to wrap around his neck as he leans into you, effortlessly lifting you off of your ‘throne’ and encouraging you to hook your legs around his waist. Once he’s got you securely in his hold, he leans back to catch your gaze.

“What is our problem then?”

You whisper, mindful of Sun’s penchant for eavesdropping.

“How are we gonna get him to come to the headquarters with us next week?”

------- ------- -------

Not much later that night, you laid in bed clinging to Moon, quickly drifting off under his reassuring watch.

It didn’t surprise you in the least when Sun remained in his own room that night. The room was conveniently located just opposite the wall that your bed sat against, making it the perfect place for him to hide when he craved being near you but felt it kinder to you to keep himself away.

As sleep welcomed you, your ears picked up on a muffled, familiar tune coming from the other side of the wall.

You still aren’t sure if you dreamed it or not.

“The gateway to the world, was still outside the reach of him. Would never belong to angels, had never belonged to men.”

A/N: Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. I’ll be back in a few days with the final chapter! You can also find my notes and commentary on this fic right here on Ao3. Links to the playlist and moodboard for [N]MbD can be found on this blog’s pinned post, as well as in the series notes on Ao3. Image Sources: x - x - x

[batsplat]

I know need to know what the fuck was the honda three rider team about. Bc that sounds made up as fuck

historical silly season: 2010 edition!

in early 2010, casey had very much had enough of ducati

rumours are that he'd already been looking to break his contract for the 2010 season after how ducati had handled the whole mystery illness 2009 saga... releasing inaccurate statements about his condition to the press without his consent, implying his diet was to blame - as well as offering jorge a shit ton of money to come ride for them. crucially more than they were paying casey

this was from mid 2009 and the vibes were already BAD back then... it's hard to know how seriously to take retirement rumours from the time given casey just wasn't. really... talking to the press, so a lot of the times the media was relying on other sources from inside his camp or just wildly speculating

anyway, casey did see out the 2010 season with ducati, but at the start of the year he essentially gave them an ultimatum - he wanted them to rip up his proposed contract and have them show him how much he was worth to them. they did not do so

according to casey, he already signed a contract at the second round of the season in jerez, which gives you a sense of how done he was with all things ducati - but it was only announced after the seventh round in july. the move was made smoother by casey's existing close relationship with livio suppo, who had himself recently made the switch from ducati to honda

very much the right time to make the move for sure. at the time, there was speculation that casey's poor results in the first half of the season was due to decreased motivation, which of course he strongly denied. really, it was the fault of the bike and team - and casey would show as much the following year at honda

one little problem. honda already had two factory contracted riders for 2011: dani and dovi. now, dani had been honda's wunderkind since forever, and after their last world champ nicky hayden - who was not on particularly warm terms with dani's camp, it has to be said - departed the team, dovi had been the chosen replacement. dovi was a long time honda loyalist, even when he was riding their underpowered bikes to championship runner up positions against jorge in 250cc, and he'd also had a highly impressive rookie season

2009 had not been a particularly great year for either factory honda rider, partly due to bike performance partly due to injuries partly due to... rider performance. it was a rough year for dovi in particular, despite his win in tricky conditions at donington (all four aliens deliver quite funny performances at that race in different ways. not exactly the finest of hours for any of them)

when casey's signing was announced, honda initially went 'okay three factory blokes but maybe we'll have two in the real team and then one in a fake team'

the problem, right, is that it costs a lot of money to field a three man team - this is why honda was so keen on the red bull option, because then they could pay for the seat

honda confirmed its intention to have four factory honda riders in 2011, those three and sic, in mid-september. but they still needed to figure out where to put them. they didn't manage to get the funds to put casey in a separate team, and then they tried to put dovi on the satellite squad:

now, dovi was on a 2+1 contract, with 2009-10 guaranteed and an option to extend for another year. the contract included a performance clause - and dovi was having a more successful 2010 season, so hrc was having some trouble forcing dovi to accept the move:

so yeah, obviously not exactly great behaviour to sign a third rider when your team is already essentially full... and then immediately spend the next few months trying to get rid of one of your existing riders who is still entitled to that seat

some more details:

for a while, dovi looked like he might be leaning towards accepting it, and was certainly keen to stress that he wasn't rejecting gresini due to his interpersonal issues with some of the team's personnel. this from september:

eventually, repsol agreed to fund the whole thing so that honda could honour their commitments to all three riders:

so, one team for all of them, if still a wee bit of healthy internal separation

and by november the whole thing was sorted

honda did have some internal precedent for this! in 1997, they fielded three factory riders: doohan, criville and okada

also back in the day they did just create shell teams organised around one rider, which is of course where valentino spent his first two years in the premier class

and here's the updated version from 2011!

anyway, it was only something honda was willing to do for one year, and in the end dovi decided to jump ship to yamaha rather than accept internal demotion. the fight for p3 in the championship went right down to the final race in valencia - and it must have been incredibly satisfying for dovi to snatch it from dani there

after this... look, basically they changed the rules to make it two entries at most per team, then they changed it back for like? two years? so that four riders were technically allowed. and then they changed their mind again. now it's just two - obviously teams are allowed wildcards, but they couldn't do this three man team thing anymore nowadays

teams generally wouldn't even want to do this because it's a lot of hassle and, most importantly, money. so yeah, unlikely to make a comeback. very much a quirky curio that won't be replicated... could be funny though. if they want to change the rules again

[taegularities]

some men are textbook villains fr

[onrainynights]

the fact that I might be about to go from being almost completely financially dependent on my parents to being able to support myself fully is unbelievable like. what. how did I get here. I'm not complaining by any means but part of me honestly thought I'd never get to be independent and if I get this promotion I WILL cry about it. oh my god.