#it actually still pains me to this day
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:////////// i forgot . the infamous translation fumble is in this volume
#it actually still pains me to this day#tcb scans my beloved you’re the only one i can trust#it’s that one interaction between maki and kamo… 😔😔#where they have a heart 2 heart abt their mommy issues. and she urges him to speak with his mother properly#and she says. ”i asked mine. then i killed her.” and it’s such a cool moment#but the official translation for some awful reason chose to translate it as ”then she tasted my blade”?????????#IM SORRY IS THIS A KIDS DUB#i actually hate it so MUCH#it’s not accurate btw the official translation will literally just change lines to make them sound. i dont even know. edgier???#but then they also shy away from words like fuck even though the og japanese implies that kinda swearing#ughhh i hate it i hate it#ari noises ✩
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Learning to celebrate the little wins!
#fersona#While I don't have the capacity to do Hourly Comics Day#I did journal my day hour-by-hour and the sheer difference in my self-care and routines is *staggering*.#Honestly both Feb 1 2024 and 2025 were rough days...but this year I had a far better outlook on it all.#The funny part is that when I drew this a few days ago I actually *was* celebrating not crying.#Might have still cried on Feb 1st. A meagre 4 times. But I also had lot of good moments!#January is a very hard month for me and frankly I've been in a fugue state for most of it.#Drawing helped me pull through these last 2 years but this year I've been finding myself so upset at how I can't seem to focus anymore.#So updates and posts have been slow. I'm just slow. I'm tired and burnt out from work and grieving.#But you know what? The days I do manage to post; I'm never shamed for how long it took. You're all just as excited and kind.#I'm coming home and eating better and sleeping more and spending time with loved ones.#This is all to say; you can be a lot happier when you realize that life can be taken a little slower.#I'm more grateful that words can possibly convey.#If you related to the mindset of constantly feeling like you've 'failed' the day; please know you have done more than you realize.#I'm struggling with it everyday! I'm in the trenches with you!#Life is too short and painful to not celebrate what you *do* accomplish! It's hard work but it is worth it!#Bit by bit...we will learn to live. *Really* live. And enjoy it!
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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genuinely though thank god for sportacus. lazytown is a good show and i’m so glad it exists but thank jesus for sportacus specifically. he’s like a personal trainer that follows me around and encourages me to eat an orange and gamify every boring moment in my life and you know what? i no longer suffer boring moments. thank the lord above for the bitch in blue
#what if i rode my bike. what if i ran to that stop sign. what if i danced to the music in my headphones#i have more energy than i thought possible and it all boils down to snacking on fruit and playing#also bonus points for feeling like a kid again. i’m so in touch with little me these days it’s actually wonderful#i have less anxiety too? and less overall shame??? HELLO?#don’t get me wrong i still suffer from the pains of adhd and anxiety but i have a lot more soothing strategies now thanks to the hyperfix#life is good. goddamn. it’s so fucking good to be alive#gear diary#lazytown#<- i feel weird putting my journal in the tag but it’s for organizational purposes. hi guys
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a wahoo girl in a wahoo world
#emu otori#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#ignore the tone of the ena i posted the other day. this s emu territory. Kyaa with me. Shalalalaaa#court mandated emu#the court in question? ME...!#birthday mandated emu actually#i havent open splat3 in literally a month sorry LAWLLLLL#My cringeflop cat is cuddled up to my side with her belly up and its taking all of my willpower#not to shove my hand into her belly because itll make her mad as fuuuck and she'll wake up#BUT SHES SOOOO CUTE. ok goodnight ^_^#OOH MY GOD MY TABLET PEN THAT I BROKE OPEN AND MELTED BACK THE WIRES TOGETHER ON ISNDOING ITS THING AGAIN#it wont recognize the pen skmetimes. UHGGGG SOLDERING IT WAS A PAIN IN THE ASSSSS I HAD TO DO IT WITH A SCREWDRIVER AND A CANDLE. FAWK OFF#huion FAAACK you and your tablet pens that break at a stiff gust of wind. I know i got this like 6 years ago but still. IT SHOULD WORK#this is so lazy injust wanted to try 800 brushes and draw emu ok. I CAN DO WHATI WANT!!#ok thats all my grievances goodnight for real#emu my scp creature very very true
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roadkill.
my art entry for @megaroniandcheez's dtiys. see tags for notes and explanations on the art. also tumblr may have absolutely nuked the quality so click the picture for a better look
#dream discusses bsd 🖋️#dream doodles 🖋️#cheez dtiys#this took between 6-8 hours. I don't know the exact time since I wasn't really keeping track#anyways this would've come out quicker if I hadn't put it off for a few days but I really needed to take a break since it got frustrating#the bg and skeleton were already done but I was really stuck on what to do with chuuya and I even scrapped the original pose I had for him#it was too difficult given my current skill set. but I can see how i've improved since my last major piece (aka my own dtiys)#but yeah. also disregard his gloves I literally forgot that and I didn't want to detail his actual hands so. gloves it was. yeah.#for my sake just pretend that he either forgot or just activated corruption suddenly so then he'll rip them off anyways#still drew his hat blowing away amidst the flurry of feathers though#oh also this is 16 chuuya. 22 chuuya's hair PAINS me to draw so I went the gay little ponytail route#design notes include making his coat have fur to reference how he was based off of a bearded vulture#also his wings were very fun to draw. I used an actual picture of a bearded vulture as reference too#I got a little lazy with the ram skeleton but the skull has the most amount of effort put into it#I considered adding remnants of flesh still sticking to the bones themselves but bearded vultures primarily eat bones/bone marrow anyways#also technically I used this dtiys as a way to test out my art program's filters with the blurring of said ram skeleton. really adds depth#CEO of nonsensical backgrounds. that's a forest I just also got lazy with it. not the main focus of the drawing#I do like the backlighting and the corruption marks though. very proud of how that turned out. this whole thing was experimental#not sure if i'll hate this piece eventually but I'm proud of it at the moment so reblogs are greatly appreciated#dtiys#dtiys entry#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#bsd chuuya#bsd fanart#bungou stray dogs fanart#bungou stray dogs chuuya#bungo stray dogs fanart#bungo stray dogs chuuya
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us, in a flair-up: ow ow bones ow oh gods oh ow yeowch
samuel: damn. i might switch out cuz uhh,,, i dont wanna deal w/ this lol
malachite: well IM not switching in, i already had to deal with the start of the flair-up !!
everyone: *silence, nobody is offering to front*
fern:
fern: let me front...
samuel: child no-
fern: LET ME OUT !!! LET ME OUTTTT !!!!
malachite: dude there is no way you'll be able to deal with the pain
samuel: yeah, we can barely deal with it
fern: IM NOT A WUSS I CAN DEAL
everyone: *bombastic side eye*
fern: stop looking at me like that...
everyone: *more silence...*
steven: *slowly raises her hand* i can front...?
samuel: ITS THE SAME PROBLEM WITH YOU
#in other words#we're having an internal debate about wether or not the 13 year old chaos machine or the crystal alien should be allowed to front#because neither of them have ever fronted during a bad pain day before#unlike me and malachite who have#and we are still struggling even with our higher pain tolerances#samuel🧿#plurality#plural community#plural#pluralpunk#plural system#actually plural#plural things#pluralgang#plural stuff#physically disabled#physical disability#chronic pain#spoonie#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#invisible disability#disabled#pro endo#endo safe#endo friendly#sysmeds dni#sysmeds fuck off
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"I quit my job and became the Princess Bride"✨ Have you read this romance novel? 😇
#twsb#when the third wheel strikes back#섭남파업#서브 남주가 파업하면 생기는 일#cedric riester#christelle de sarnez#jesse venetiaan#<--finally... tagging an art w only him and not also the tag jung yeseo... KDBSJ#its actually him this time#IM FINISHED AAAH#this was just... a practice... but it took longer than expected (but at the same time still p short? only 2 days#i didnt color it v detailed but oh my god#coloring on procreate is a fking pain#the shitty excuse for a fillbucket that doesnt even use accurate colors... drives me insane#MY EYES HURT#red eyes white clothes cedric.... who are you#(also christelle w sky blue eyes... pushes them more to the aqua/teal direction to differentiate them more#jesse without ahoge... the ahoge is yeseo's thing <3#my art#RIP jesse but also thank u for dying(?) so cedyeschris can be a thing yaaay😚#did u guys notice that i didnt give cedric orange highlights like i always do too...#its weird looking at him... technically ur the same person but... who r u...#QPB
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juvie buddies
#alek art#td duncan#td mal#total drama#total drama all stars#(if i want to get technical)#2024#duncan is around 15 here... mal is around 16#ive thought really hard about them these past few days . in my brain they actually knew each other and canon is different#duncan and mike got along really well. in juvie mal refused to speak to anyone about anything and would fight as many people as he could .#he wanted to stay in there and far away from home . they get roomed together and duncan is the first person who mal can talk to . he isnt#scared of him . he relates to him a lot . like -> wow we both act out for attention and people think we are terrible because of it#duncan being a mentally ill teenager seeing mal an also very mentally ill teenager thought 'i can fix him' . mike and duncan speak too here#i cant really see anyone else fronting besides those two . their brain was on lockdown and mike wanted out so bad . i see manitoba as a#gatekeeper so hed handle some sessions with their psych. i want to say they (duncan and mike) get moved to a psyche ward just because#i have more knowledge on being in one and how it goes ... but yeah i like duncan mal a lot . this art isnt ship whatsoever though 🙏 i dont#see them as a couple their dynamic is just better as friends imo#but anyways in all stars they obviously recognize each other but have an unspoken agreement not to say anything abt it#duncan is a known criminal but mike isnt like that . mike hadnt even told zoey about that part of his life . so duncan wanted to respect his#privacy -> then mal starts hurting people and he has to step in . mal isnt a good person by any means but i dont think he was that bad in#juvie . so duncan had to come to terms that his friend wasnt the same person he was years ago (in all stars duncan is ~18 and i think mike#is almost 20... so it had been a while since they last talked)#them getting each other like no other and being in pain because they couldnt really speak . i see them having a conversation still in moon#madness abt their past and history . god i just think abt them and their wasted potential wdym mike and duncan were in juvie together#duncan was in for trespassing or destruction of private property or something really dumb . mal fought his parent(s) and got in for assault#mal was already in when duncan was placed . and duncan was let out early on good behavior + his parents (dad) mostly did it to teach him a#lesson . wrong of them or otherwise . so mal was just kinda stuck there until they realized he was actually not right in the head . think he#knew abt their DID but was only diagnosed in juvie and had to go from there . tbh he shouldve been tried as an adult but td logic . doesnt#matter dw guys . mike gets the 'was put on random meds that made him go braindead' treatment bc that was me . post mental hospital abilify#had me messed up
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Mom said his siblings could come on his date with Satya
#Symweaver#symmetra#overwatch 2#overwatch#satya vaswani#lifeweaver#niran pruksamanee#average day at the PruksaManee household#he HATES having to share Satya with his siblings#he tries so hard to not let them know when she's coming over or going on family trips with them#At first he'd deny that he liked Satya but his sister pried it out of him so she makes it her mission to be a pain in the ass about it#but she genuinely does act as a wingman even though Satya is oblivious to it all#She gives satya a lot of hand me downs (aka she wore something MAYBE once and already wants daddy to buy her a new dress)#his little brother has a puppy crush on Satya so he always bugs Niran about wanting to play with them. He denies this when he's older#His parents (esp mom) think its cute that they all like Satya so much and theyre fully prepared for Niran to marry her when they're of age#Satya just likes being included even though his whole family can be pushy at times and have blatant rich people mentalities on everything#Niran is her special person so she focuses on him a LOT but its not obvious to anyone else so no one's actually sure how exactly she feels#When Lifeweaver leaves Vishkar they still keep in contact with Satya and his sister drops by on campus a lot to check in on her#Blizzard can pry this headcanon from my cold dead hands Satya deserves this okay
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When you see a disabled person unable to do something or a person with food allergies unable to eat something and think "geez, I could never live without _____" do these three things:
1. Don't say this thought out loud.
2. Don't comment on this disability.
3. Know, for a fact, that you could live without that if that's the only way you can keep living
Great job! You've avoided making a person with a disability upset or frustrated.
#disabled#actually disabled#chronic pain#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#fibromyalgia#diary of this cripple#mcas#dysautonomia#fuck I've had to give up almost every food or ingestible chemical#because i am allergic to nearly all of them#when people say “i couldn't live without eating _”#they don't realize that you can if you must. i do. every day. it sucks a lot but I'm still alive#and saying “i couldn't live without pizza” makes me very upset because i crave foods i can't eat every hour of every day#this post inspired by mast cell activation syndrome
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It’s disability pride month, and if you are disabled in the U.S. from Long Covid I want you to know that you’re not alone, and you’re valid in whatever you feel. Whether that’s sorrow at your new problems or rage at society for failing you, you are valid, and it is truly messed up that society is continuing to fail you.
#disability#trauma#chronic illness#long COVID#COVID#Tbh I’m not sure if I have long covid or not but I keep swinging between despair and fury#The brain fog SUCKS#I might have always had it but it feels especially bad now?#And I have all kinds of respiratory problems that got exacerbated#And possibly chronic fatigue but it’s unclear#And I’m one of the lucky ones!!!#I can still exercise without needing three days of bed rest after!#I was so RELIEVED when it turned out I could do that#I did like. Three weeks of breathing rehab to make sure#Not sure if it helped but now I’m not getting post-exertional backlash nearly as much anymore#And I didn’t lose my sense of smell or get my taste messed up#And I don’t need a respirator just an inhaler and some allergy meds and to take frequent breaks#And like. I know so many people have it worse#And that suuuuucks#But EVEN THIS makes me want to scream and rail half the time#Update as of Sept 2024 — this is no longer true#Got Covid again and now I can’t exercise without being too tired to move for three days#🙃#Probably will die mad about this actually#I had SUCH a good time working out one night#But then the next morning#Nope#head-to-toe muscle pain#couldn’t do any chores#Couldn’t even feed myself
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Really fucked up that two ppl can care about each other and make their best efforts to communicate and still end up hurting each other so badly they cannot stand to be in the same room.
#my stuff#i feel soooo bad talking to my therapist about the same topics over multiple weeks#like i feel like they're sooo sick of it like damn can this bitch get Over It alreadyyyy#hi yes actually can we talk about the near catastrophic sense of betrayal and loss that has haunted my soul for over a month?#can we talk about how I overcompensate for other's possible feelings and emotions to desperately mask my terror at feeling out of control#can we talk about how even when I know ppl acted with logical reasons necessary for their situation it still hurt me?#and that this pain fills me up with so much anger and frustration that I'm powerless to put anywhere that won't hurt someone#so it just cooks me inside and makes me grind my teeth constantly for weeks#im so angry i did not deserve to be treated like this it's not fair and I have no capacity to fix it or control when it feels better#i just have to survive and wait until i forget about it and hope they don't decide to reach out and fuck it all up#cause i can see that happening#i'll finally be free of thinking about them and generally going about my day unbothered and they'll ask to get coffee or something#and I have no idea what I should do in that scenario. because I don't think we can be friends.#and you have not treated me with the compassion and warmth I treated you#i would want to say mean things. hurtful things. I would want to bite back for once.#and that's not me. that's not who I want to be.#i don't wanna see you. go away. don't talk to me if you're not going to make the pain go away.
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Furred Attempts at One's Self
#my art#my ocs#furry art#furry oc#AKA FURSONAS RAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH#I've been finally meaning to rip that bandage off and revist my hyena-sona and as you can see there's no time like the present!!#It's actually been a really refreshing and overall happy process so far and I'm happy to share these small bits of it hehe#This all came from the fact I'm getting into the habit of animal studies again and I felt like this would be a nice test of my knowledge#I'm still forever learning but I think I'm on the right path of capturing the face structure of a hyena and in turn other canviorous mammal#My furrysonas are also vessels to give myself bodymods I'm way to scare to get to I just keep winning hehe#Perhaps I'll look just as cool as this...so day#Also fun fact: The reason I choose a capybara as a sona is because I was a capybara in my friend's Cult of the Lamb playthrough hehe#Ever since I've been connected to the large wet rodents; and I wouldn't have it any other way#THAT AND THERE'S BARELY ANY REFERENCES FOR CAPYBARA PAWS HELP ME#I must make them accurate and yet the limits of search engines pain me#That and hyena noses are tricky to understand but I shall digress
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Fighting off cold and flu has always been difficult for me and it's only getting harder as I get older. I find the transitioning from being "sick in bed" back to "functioning person" can often be the hardest part, especially when it comes to congestion which can take days if not weeks to clear up, so even if I'm able to walk around, do basic tasks, etc. I'm uncomfortable the whole way through. At least when it comes to my back pain, that's something that I'm used to and can predict and accommodate; getting sick is none of those things.
What's making it even more difficult this time around, compared to every other time, is the fact that I went from being healthy and medicated to sick and unmedicated. So that transition back into "functioning" is being slowed further by my returning inability to focus, to push myself through the uncomfortable feeling of doing literally anything, to be at peace with boredom.
Every single time I want to do anything that isn't laying in bed, it's met with both "I don't know if I'm physically capable of doing that because I'm sick" and "I don't know if I'm mentally capable of doing that because I'm off my meds."
And it's incredibly exhausting.
#self post#update#off topic#idk sorry for whining on main#my brain just. feels awful rn#part of me thought “huh i don't think being unmedicated is actually causing me issues”#but now that i'm on my third day (???) without meds i'm not feeling so sure LMAO#and for anyone wondering why i'm not taking them#it's because i have to play triage with my meds and treatment#i don't want to be stacking decongestants - some of which are designed to make me drowsy - on top of concerta which is a stimulant#this would kill the liver LMAO and also my brain would become an even bigger mess than it already is#so considering i'm on bedrest i've just decided to forgo taking my concerta meds until i don't need to be hopped up on sinus pills#then once the worst of the sick has passed and i can get by without needing pain and congestion relief i can go back on concerta#thankfully i was only on 18mg anyways so the crash isn't as bad as it would have been if i was taking stronger doses#but it still sucks and it means i'm at war both with the flu and my ADHD u.u
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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