#is this another pmdd thing
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Have I been banished to the no sleep realm or something
#Why I am i consecutively staying up all night and then sleeping all day#not that i didnt do this before but i swear i have only had one full 'night' of sleep once this whole week#adn that was because i went on a trip somewhere so i slept at 5am woke up at 7am to get there early#meaning i was EXHAUSTED and could not stop myself from closing my eyes and i actually went to sleep at 8pm#is this another pmdd thing#im still figuring it out idk#pmdd posting#lasar being incoherent
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i have like a clockwork tendency to be fucking Pissed For No Goddamn Reason on my period when im even mildly stressed out and it is SUCH a shocker every single time somehow because at any other point in my life ive been KILLER at keeping my cool and even lately been really good about keeping on top of my stress so its been a nonissue for a hot minute!!!!
but like period comes around and its like "oh, all those years of therapy cant even scratch the SURFACE of what im about to do to you babe." and im like okay 😔 because its like being fucking possessed gjskckdkd
#context; i have bipolar disorder. that was part of the whole years of therapy thing fjskdj#you know pmdd and a mood disorder just sort of superboost each other sometimes. amazing fjdj#periods#menstruation#mental health#skelly speaks#i feel bad though. i feel bad. i was mean today. and i think it was called for but fjfj still you know 😭#its one thing when i do it on purpose. its another when i turn into a fkn werewolf because someones a little uncourteous fjsjfjd#theres proportions to these things. theres times and places jfjdg#SIGHS many thoughts. ultimatey it just never stops feeling shocking you know??#regardless of reasons that cause these issues mental health issues and neurodivergence are hard not to feel...#ashamed about. you know. its hard. its really hard to talk about. augh
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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it's kinda funny and ik they don't mean it badly but my friend who's a still rather recently adult diagnosed asd and adhd will say things in convo like yh asd explains that or me doing that makes so much sense now in a like positive self accepting way and it's fine like one of the things i sometimes enjoy abt them is on chats they will like 100 text and keep switching subjects and it's just ahh crazy cool if the vibe/time is right for me and they're like yh the adhd explains that lol and we got a bit lost in uni and they were like yh tht makes sense the asd bc both examples are things that they've always struggled with that make more sense to them now post diagnosis which yeah great. but when i'm like i'm going back to isolation bc with the anxiety pmdd and my possible (b)pd traits i think that's best for me and it was like reconnecting with them made me realize how crazy things get for me when i'm in any type of relationships bc b4 that i was isolating for almost more than a year so the stark diff after thinking i was better and ready to re attempt relationships was like very obvi™ for me and despite understanding they keep telling me not to villainize myself and i'm not a bad person it's fine etc. and it's like ok yh besides the diff between official diagnosis and self diagnosis/speculation it's the same thing. i'm not villainizing myself and saying that is just like invalidating what ik to be true abt myself. like if i were to say no you don't get lost bc of asd stop making yourself seem stupid or smth tht wld be insensitive so why isn't it the same thing for other 'more' stigmatised conditions. and it's like a general kind of thing you'd see sometimes in a ignorantly and innocently trying to make the person feel better and then with actual malicious invalidating intent.
#personality disorders#pmdd#and we also talked abt the similarities bc the bpd 🤝 asd 🤝 adhd 🤝 pmdd overlap#esp in terms of interactions with others is crazy#it's like that post saying oops! adhd brain in public is fine#but oops! schizophrenic brain is still not#why#like my pmdd brain fog and dissociation and forgetfullness is so bad sometime#added to the uni stress it sometimes leads to lowkey embarrassing situations in public#i forget like everything im in another zone#even without the pmdd just the anxiety i dissociate#gotta keep trying to remind myself during certain things like hey close your bag b4 u walk out pick up all your books wash your hand flush#the toilet it's bad it's embarrassing i'd like to say oops! pmdd brain#sigh whatever#cloud nonsense#ignore me
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#ibs flare up is fuckin up my routine#which is causing anxiety#which is making the flare up worse#which is fuckin up my routine even more#its a vicious cycle#too much acidic food yesterday#also period ended so?? hormones being fucky probably???#doesnt help#i also may have pmdd (which is obviously not affecting me right now but it hit me HARD last week)#so thats a new and fun thing thats happening /s#like damn past few weeks have been hell#got a cold from my dad that i finally seem to be completely over#then had a complete meltdown last week due to my anxiety spinning wildly out of control#then that stopped and my period started which means The Cramps began#thankfully they werent as bad as last months but they went on for like 3 days when they usually stop after the first day#but then that ended finally last night just in time for an ibs flare up which made my anxiety spike which made it so i couldnt fall asleep#my body hates me this month#just one thing after another#also i seem to be experiencing sciatica. which is not new. happens sometimes. but ahhhhhhhhhh#😢 i just wanna sleep#but im not tired 😢#and i have a dentist appointment tomorrow which is fine. but is just another thing that fucks with my routine#and ive had too many disruptions to my routine this month#i would like to stop
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god this is grim. i really don’t WANT to HAVE to kill myself.
#like i’m gonna wait it out but if it’s illegal/inaffordable to treat my PMDD likely PCOS and POTS i uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#good thing my rhuematologist couldn’t give me anything truly helpful for my pain or that would just be another medication i’m dependent on
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i want my period to start already because at least i can be an irritable dead-tired sick-to-my-bones bitch who knows it'll be over and better in 3 to 5 calendar days.
#it's very late but it might just my weight catching up to me again#which is... good. i hate bleeding. but i also hate being Like This#or maybe it's not even pmdd this time but another depressive episode which is WHY GOD WHY JUST SMITE ME#i am tired. this living thing takes all of my strength and resources. just. getting out of bed or whatever#i want to not exist
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#bro I’ve been so fucked up today like emotionally#my period is starting? like a week early#didn’t have PMDD much since it started earlier but like shortly after we got up today we found out my partners best friend has been cheating#on his fiancé and I don’t really know him like that but bruh….#why the fuck are people still doing this?#literally if you’re going to disrespect another person like that much less someone you love#dique 🙄#kindly fuck out of that persons life before you do that dumb shit#I’ve literally been sobbing my eyes out alllllllllll day because of that#scared the FUCK out of me that people can be so two faced#personal#about me#traummmaaaaaaa#maybe because I’m autistic but I genuinely just take people at their word and if you can’t live up to your word you mean nothing to me#at that point can’t trust a single thing you ever say or do
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oh hopeless bleak despair by American cock band they might be giants we’re really in it now
#vent tw#god why did I have to have PMDD and be transgender like. it’s fucking hard enough having it at all but having anything I read about it#be a constant reminder that my body wasn’t the right one is another fucking thing
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The intense hated I have for my past actions has now turned into hating the way I look
#I can never win#if it’s not one thing it’s another#my hair is thinning#I need to get a silk pillowcase and a nose job I also need to start sleeping on my back#or I need to throw my phone away and o ly look at myself in the reflection of water#I hate the mirror#my period just ended when does pmdd go away
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on one hand im so glad period flu is a thing that other people go through so i'm not alone, on the other hand i really wish i didnt have period flus
#statement.txt#apparently this is yet another common thing with endometriosis and/or pmdd.........both of which ive suspected for a while. lol. [screams]
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Thinking abt how i just get actively hindered by my own brain for a week every month without fail and how I've somehow survived this long being Like This
#wheh#personal bitching#tonights flavor of pmdd is my brain forcing me to stare at every mistake every failure and every rejection#and all i can do is try to ignore it or at best try to not let it Get To Me#and bitch about it online i guess lmao 😊#but yeah idk im somehow only now coming to terms with the fact that this is part of why it is so fucking hard for me to function#like idk when everything else sucks so bad it's just another thing you learn to live with i guess#being out of my parents place and in fwiw a very nice situation in general just makes my bad brain shit feel more obvious
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🙃🙃🙃
#my brain is literally a clusterfuck of depression and anxiety causing things#I have pmdd which causes me to have more severe depressive episodes during the week of my period#I have a insurance company that refuses to let me fill anything at my local pharmacy and instead only allows me to get my medicine from hell#I ran out of my supplementary antidepressant just now#I also figured out that another antidepressant I am on is causing all my severe stomach problems so I have to quit it cold Turkey to eat#i can’t see me doctor until Monday at the earliest and then my insurance requires 7 to 10 days of processing before they’ll send me my meds#they don’t tell you when they send it out and they automatically charge you without your consent so I figure it was in the mail and it wasnt#so now at the time where my depression is literally at its worse I have to be without two of three of my antidepressants#I am in psychological HELL#and the worst part is that I haven’t even gotten my period yet so I know that the worst is yet to come#and so I needed to vent here instead of violently screaming in my apartment and getting cops called on me#vent#vent post
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It’s so nice when I’m feeling every negative emotion at once and then remember I’m on day 22 and I remember that I don’t have to kms to get out of this I just have to wait a few days for my pussy to get crackalackin
#I’m like 95% certain I have PMDD but oh whale#the weed and fibromyalgia meds have helped it significantly so like why bother bring up another thing doctors will say I’m crazy for
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am i just having a really bad ibs episode will this all go away in like less than 14 days but not sure how many god i hope so
#will probably do another epsom salt drink b4 then tho at least#bc tht helps#i mean ibs is usually relieved by having a bowel movement#YK THE FUCKING THING IT WONT LET YOU HAVE#giggles#it's also so hard to work out bc I AM IN PAIN N NAUSEATED#esp bc i work out at night bc it's the only free unbothered time#n after all day i feel esp like shit at night#sigh#pmdd#cloud nonsense
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my cooter appointment is in less than a week. by talos this can't be happening
#i knew it was coming up but i thought maybe time would prepare me to have a stranger rootin around in my cooch#and it did not i am not ready for that#my doctor prescribed me some ativan so that will help cuz otherwise i'll go feral#good afternoon to bitches who r required to have sedatives during invasive medical procedures so they don't injure anybody <3#i am Not Excited about this#mostly bc i know what she's gonna say which is 'when was the last time anybody checked on ur vageen'#and the answer is probably age seven#and i know she is going to say this because i am le intersex and things r weird up in there#can't wait for yet another episode of 'now wait just a minute why it look like that'#by talos this can't be happening#beef speaks#the only thing keeping me from canceling is the fact that i know i got some kind of cooch prob#and honestly if i can get a diagnosis of what the cooch prob is then a hysterectomy might finally be medically necessary#medically necessary in quotations cuz i been trying to get a hysto since i got diagnosed with pmdd#and every time i ask my insurance says no <3#apparently going batshit insane once a month because of my vageener ain't enough to make a hysto mEdIcAlLy nEcEsSaRy
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