#but oops! schizophrenic brain is still not

[theflyestwhiteboyofthemall]

it's kinda funny and ik they don't mean it badly but my friend who's a still rather recently adult diagnosed asd and adhd will say things in convo like yh asd explains that or me doing that makes so much sense now in a like positive self accepting way and it's fine like one of the things i sometimes enjoy abt them is on chats they will like 100 text and keep switching subjects and it's just ahh crazy cool if the vibe/time is right for me and they're like yh the adhd explains that lol and we got a bit lost in uni and they were like yh tht makes sense the asd bc both examples are things that they've always struggled with that make more sense to them now post diagnosis which yeah great. but when i'm like i'm going back to isolation bc with the anxiety pmdd and my possible (b)pd traits i think that's best for me and it was like reconnecting with them made me realize how crazy things get for me when i'm in any type of relationships bc b4 that i was isolating for almost more than a year so the stark diff after thinking i was better and ready to re attempt relationships was like very obvi™ for me and despite understanding they keep telling me not to villainize myself and i'm not a bad person it's fine etc. and it's like ok yh besides the diff between official diagnosis and self diagnosis/speculation it's the same thing. i'm not villainizing myself and saying that is just like invalidating what ik to be true abt myself. like if i were to say no you don't get lost bc of asd stop making yourself seem stupid or smth tht wld be insensitive so why isn't it the same thing for other 'more' stigmatised conditions. and it's like a general kind of thing you'd see sometimes in a ignorantly and innocently trying to make the person feel better and then with actual malicious invalidating intent.

[bandaidcrybaby]

Hi! I don't use this blog!

In fact, it took me 20 minutes to even figure out how to log in! I only remembered it's existance because some bot sent me an ask and it pinged the email I have to use for medical stuff- but i'll give the like. 6 people here, plus anyone who's scrolling through the blog for archival reasons, a quick update on myself and my life, because boy! was i wrong! and being told incorrect information!

So a lot of posts on here are tagged schizophrenia - a diagnosis that several of my doctors very well believed I had. Turns out, if you have been severely and repetitively traumatized for most of your childhood, your brain kinda. puts up walls and is functionally completely disconnected. and when you're a teenager and your brain is supposed to be growing neural connections between itself as it takes on its final leg of the growing journey, if there's Walls in the Way, it results in a degree of weird faux-hallucinations and outrageously unreal beliefs, the latter mostly from you trying to come to a rational conclusion for why you get told weird uncomfortable stories about yourself and are wildly unsure what the fuck they did to you in the hospital to fuck your memory like this. And the answer is nothing, you were in there for 3 days and just cried the whole time, the reason youre missing three weeks is, well. because you have DID. And apparently my therapist had been suspecting this since I was referred to him in the first place, since I was way too lucid and with it to actually be schizophrenic, but my former psych is also his bestie and had told him straight up "oh yeah, I know they were a conflict of interest, but. Its not every day you hear about the kinds of things this kid goes through, find out theyre true, but they only remember some of them at wildly different times, and then get to see DID form before your very eyes." and so on 2/22/22 I was handed my official paperwork because my team was like "i think we need to address some things." and uh. Yeah it came like a wet fish to the face. Turns out Antipsychs were causing half my balance and mood problems AND didnt get rid of the hallucinations because oops, thats not how that kind of 'hallucinating' works! that's the rest of your brain screaming for help! I don't really. publically say much about the kinds of problems my other parts cause for me. its not anyone elses business! you don't need to know! because all of me is Winnie! Regardless of how I choose to spell that or shorten it at any given time! (which is also not a parts thing, thats just a 'my name is hardly as important to me over who i am as a person' thing.) and yeah, I do have to own up to Dumb Shit(tm) the my other parts do regardless of the fact of if I remember doing it or not, because at the end of the day, I, as a singular human being, still did that thing!! I've kinda had to learn what's wrong and right, appropriate and innapropriate, and attone for such. People get very upset with me for referring to my parts as just that-parts. Lots of folk think that I should be calling them "alters", but that simply doesnt fit, for me. It makes the parts of me that are very clearly broken feel more separate, more defined-- which is the exact opposite of what I want. I WANT to be NORMAL. This disease is life ruining. I'm spending most of my adult life being up the shattered pottery that is my childhood- I don't want to be defined as pieces of a broken vase. I am defined as the Vase itself, wether or not you like the kintsugi is a You Problem. this is not your illness; (nor your version of the illness, if you, too, have it, as no two 'vases' break the same.) I personally refuse to not acknowledge the whole vase on any person who does have it. you dont throw away any pieces. that's not how this works. your arent 4 separate people jsut because you dont want to be associated with yourself. you break and mend and break and mend and cry and scream and accept and forgive and hurt and forgive again and become whole. To do anything else rejects your function as exactly what you are- perfectly human, an animal with neatly clipped claws and blunt teeth and marked skin and stands upright on its hind legs, defined only by its ability to create a taxonic system that cleanly defines it and then outwardly reject that very same label.

tumblr has a character limit, part 2 soon.

[meirimerens]

Saw your post sbout being open to questions. Pyotr headcannons? He's my favourite :-)

he's a creature to me

oops sorry

peter hcs, i discuss his mental illness a lil bit in it:

mirror twin with andrey. mirrored cheek and collarbone beauty spots. but you knew that already since i draw it

right-handed (mirror twin lore: andrey is left-handed)

with that: when they were in elementary school, they would struggle to focus to learn to write and the teachers later realized it was because even if they were sat together they kept bumping elbows and hurting each other so they just had to sit peter on andrey's right (and andrey on peter's left) then it was fine

always had long-ish hair as he's always always hated haircuts. he sees them as a... tearing-a-part-of, and he really dislikes the feeling. he will only do tearings if that is necessary to his survival (something something... autotomy... something something i've mentioned it already), and while he has accepted haircuts from trusted people (bc otherwise his hair would be to the floor now) he is Not A Fan. his last drastic haircut came after a very bad moment in his life [like this teehee] (<- comic of mine post)

with that: he had longer hair at some point, in fact he grew his hair out to waist-length between leaving for university and the Almost Drowned Incident of above

committed patricide. not alone, or course, andrey helped. their dad had it coming.

and with that: their dad's family also thought he had it coming and are still close to the twins and their mom (as close as they can be with all that distance)

when he was a child he hated being photographed because he was sure the camera would trap his soul inside of it (this might or might not have had lasting consequences in how he sees painting, and feels haunted by his creations

purely personal and deeply indulgent, but he's bipolar to me. mixed episode in P1 and depressive one in P2. i also go back and forth between seeing him as psychotic bipolar, bipolar/schizophrenic comorbidity, or schizoaffective bipolar type. tldr His Brain Funny

he has a weak stomach to me from drinking so much so his "favorite" meal is boiled potatoes with a drizzle of olive oil on top

when they were toddlers andrey Kept Climbing His Fucking Crib to throw himself into peter's so peter has had most of his life recurring dreams/nightmares where something falls on him from when. andrey did. at 5 kilograms like a chicken.

he has long ass legs to me. clock hands looking motherfucker.

he loves textures he loves to scratch his canvases or linens etc...

he USED to bite his nails now that's more of andrey's thing; he's managed to grow his nails out and only gnaws when he cannot cope any other way

not a hc, i think it was mentioned by IPL: guy who's cold. he's cold often... loves piles of coats

i gotta stop eventually don't i