#but oops! schizophrenic brain is still not

[bandaidcrybaby]

Hi! I don't use this blog!

In fact, it took me 20 minutes to even figure out how to log in! I only remembered it's existance because some bot sent me an ask and it pinged the email I have to use for medical stuff- but i'll give the like. 6 people here, plus anyone who's scrolling through the blog for archival reasons, a quick update on myself and my life, because boy! was i wrong! and being told incorrect information!

So a lot of posts on here are tagged schizophrenia - a diagnosis that several of my doctors very well believed I had. Turns out, if you have been severely and repetitively traumatized for most of your childhood, your brain kinda. puts up walls and is functionally completely disconnected. and when you're a teenager and your brain is supposed to be growing neural connections between itself as it takes on its final leg of the growing journey, if there's Walls in the Way, it results in a degree of weird faux-hallucinations and outrageously unreal beliefs, the latter mostly from you trying to come to a rational conclusion for why you get told weird uncomfortable stories about yourself and are wildly unsure what the fuck they did to you in the hospital to fuck your memory like this. And the answer is nothing, you were in there for 3 days and just cried the whole time, the reason youre missing three weeks is, well. because you have DID. And apparently my therapist had been suspecting this since I was referred to him in the first place, since I was way too lucid and with it to actually be schizophrenic, but my former psych is also his bestie and had told him straight up "oh yeah, I know they were a conflict of interest, but. Its not every day you hear about the kinds of things this kid goes through, find out theyre true, but they only remember some of them at wildly different times, and then get to see DID form before your very eyes." and so on 2/22/22 I was handed my official paperwork because my team was like "i think we need to address some things." and uh. Yeah it came like a wet fish to the face. Turns out Antipsychs were causing half my balance and mood problems AND didnt get rid of the hallucinations because oops, thats not how that kind of 'hallucinating' works! that's the rest of your brain screaming for help! I don't really. publically say much about the kinds of problems my other parts cause for me. its not anyone elses business! you don't need to know! because all of me is Winnie! Regardless of how I choose to spell that or shorten it at any given time! (which is also not a parts thing, thats just a 'my name is hardly as important to me over who i am as a person' thing.) and yeah, I do have to own up to Dumb Shit(tm) the my other parts do regardless of the fact of if I remember doing it or not, because at the end of the day, I, as a singular human being, still did that thing!! I've kinda had to learn what's wrong and right, appropriate and innapropriate, and attone for such. People get very upset with me for referring to my parts as just that-parts. Lots of folk think that I should be calling them "alters", but that simply doesnt fit, for me. It makes the parts of me that are very clearly broken feel more separate, more defined-- which is the exact opposite of what I want. I WANT to be NORMAL. This disease is life ruining. I'm spending most of my adult life being up the shattered pottery that is my childhood- I don't want to be defined as pieces of a broken vase. I am defined as the Vase itself, wether or not you like the kintsugi is a You Problem. this is not your illness; (nor your version of the illness, if you, too, have it, as no two 'vases' break the same.) I personally refuse to not acknowledge the whole vase on any person who does have it. you dont throw away any pieces. that's not how this works. your arent 4 separate people jsut because you dont want to be associated with yourself. you break and mend and break and mend and cry and scream and accept and forgive and hurt and forgive again and become whole. To do anything else rejects your function as exactly what you are- perfectly human, an animal with neatly clipped claws and blunt teeth and marked skin and stands upright on its hind legs, defined only by its ability to create a taxonic system that cleanly defines it and then outwardly reject that very same label.

tumblr has a character limit, part 2 soon.

[meirimerens]

Saw your post sbout being open to questions. Pyotr headcannons? He's my favourite :-)

he's a creature to me

oops sorry

peter hcs, i discuss his mental illness a lil bit in it:

mirror twin with andrey. mirrored cheek and collarbone beauty spots. but you knew that already since i draw it

right-handed (mirror twin lore: andrey is left-handed)

with that: when they were in elementary school, they would struggle to focus to learn to write and the teachers later realized it was because even if they were sat together they kept bumping elbows and hurting each other so they just had to sit peter on andrey's right (and andrey on peter's left) then it was fine

always had long-ish hair as he's always always hated haircuts. he sees them as a... tearing-a-part-of, and he really dislikes the feeling. he will only do tearings if that is necessary to his survival (something something... autotomy... something something i've mentioned it already), and while he has accepted haircuts from trusted people (bc otherwise his hair would be to the floor now) he is Not A Fan. his last drastic haircut came after a very bad moment in his life [like this teehee] (<- comic of mine post)

with that: he had longer hair at some point, in fact he grew his hair out to waist-length between leaving for university and the Almost Drowned Incident of above

committed patricide. not alone, or course, andrey helped. their dad had it coming.

and with that: their dad's family also thought he had it coming and are still close to the twins and their mom (as close as they can be with all that distance)

when he was a child he hated being photographed because he was sure the camera would trap his soul inside of it (this might or might not have had lasting consequences in how he sees painting, and feels haunted by his creations

purely personal and deeply indulgent, but he's bipolar to me. mixed episode in P1 and depressive one in P2. i also go back and forth between seeing him as psychotic bipolar, bipolar/schizophrenic comorbidity, or schizoaffective bipolar type. tldr His Brain Funny

he has a weak stomach to me from drinking so much so his "favorite" meal is boiled potatoes with a drizzle of olive oil on top

when they were toddlers andrey Kept Climbing His Fucking Crib to throw himself into peter's so peter has had most of his life recurring dreams/nightmares where something falls on him from when. andrey did. at 5 kilograms like a chicken.

he has long ass legs to me. clock hands looking motherfucker.

he loves textures he loves to scratch his canvases or linens etc...

he USED to bite his nails now that's more of andrey's thing; he's managed to grow his nails out and only gnaws when he cannot cope any other way

not a hc, i think it was mentioned by IPL: guy who's cold. he's cold often... loves piles of coats

i gotta stop eventually don't i

[vivanaija]

The curious and beautiful signs of Being British

The curious and beautiful signs of Being British

Being British is certainly not a matter of blood – there are second generation Brits who feel more like citizens of their original homeland as a result of their home life than they do British, and there are people who have only lived here a few years and have completely soaked up the culture.

Being British is certainly not a matter of appearance – Britain is by its very definition now a mix of the great and the good who make up these lands, from the ethnic Nigerians to the Pakistanis to the Peruvians and everyone else in between.

Being British is not even by accent – you think it’s all fun and games until you stand on the left in front of a Punjab Sikh and he tuts and rolls his eyeballs at you in a perfectly British manner.

There are certain things that all British people hold dear and agree on though. They’re not in any rule book and there’s no exam you can take to know if you’re fully cooked or not. One day, you’ll just find that you’re more Victor Meldrew than Victor Ikpeba, you find that you look at people who say “Lie-ces-ter Square” with corner eye, and you absolutely, under no circumstances go south of the river unless you absolutely have to.

1. The weather: it’s blazing hot. It’s freezing cold. There are leaves on the line. Public transport has stood still. It was sunny yesterday so today, we’re in the pouring rain in shorts and flip-flops. It’s just greeeeeey. It’s the British weather in all of its schizophrenic glory. Being British means we can whinge and moan but don’t you DARE complain about the weather if you’re not British!

Look! Far in the distance – a bit of blue sky

And a bit of sun??

https://twitter.com/SoVeryBritish/status/728132449415225344

2. We apologise and say “Sorry” for just about everything – yes, we will apologise to you even if you bump into us. We will apologise for standing up and trying to get past you on the bus. “Sorry” is a perfectly civilised way to start a sentence, to wit: “Sorry, would anyone else like a cup of tea?”. Please note, however, that this is not to be confused with “Sorry??” which shows that the speaker wither did not hear you or is teetering on the edge of apoplectic rage. I guess you can only find out if you find yourself at the end of a very vigorous tut.

https://twitter.com/SoVeryBritish/status/725296227303215104

3. If you’re a Londoner, you probably know London via tube lines. Balham? Noorvun line, mate!

4. We do not talk to other people. Ever. Even at the risk of death – look. Perhaps if you’re from “Oop Norf” and grew up on the cobbles of Coronation Street, then you all lean over your backyard fences and gossip in your pinafores and aprons, but otherwise the British remain stoic, stick their faces in their newspapers and just get. On. With. It.

5. Speaking of Coronation Street, not everyone who lives up North speaks like an extra from the popular soap, and not everyone who lives in the Big Smoke talks in rhyming slang.

6. Queueing is a national sport. We like nothing better than a good queue. If there was a queue for queueing, we’d queue for that too. And we will happy call the wrath of Beelzebub on you should you feel the urge to jump a queue. This rage is visible by our quiet tut and heavenward eye-roll. When a British person rolls their eyes at you behind your back along with the rest of the crowd, just know that this is the equivalent of them wishing you had fallen into the volcanic lava at Mordor

7. A true British person understand that swearing is not the huge travesty that it is in other nations. Words like “Damn!” “Bloody” “Twat” and “Bollocks” are all in a day’s work, and if you’re poetic with it and have the ability to end a string of swear words with “cockwomble,” then so much the better. Swearing cuts across gender, income bracket and class. And sometimes, it’s even affectionate. A git is the same as an unspeakable idiot, but a “jammy git” is a lucky fellow you’re slightly envious of. See “Jamie and his bird got the last two tickets to the Rihanna concert, the jammy git!”

8. The complete and utter stoicism that is Being British. Here are some gems:

https://twitter.com/SoVeryBritish/status/724203987801653248

https://twitter.com/SoVeryBritish/status/723553988189274113

https://twitter.com/SoVeryBritish/status/721714256375345152

https://twitter.com/SoVeryBritish/status/720264350414585856

  10. WALK ON THE LEFT; STAND ON THE RIGHT! Britain is full of people who would happily staple this message to the raw, beating chests of tourists because AAAAARGH! I mean, the picture below is enough to drive anyone barmy, with veins popping out of the sides of your head as you develop a peptic ulcer from trying to not scream at her.

  All said, we love Britain and will quite cheerfully brain anyone who says otherwise!