#intergenerational abuse

[unwelcome-ozian]

hi, transgenerational violence/abuse anon again. the resources were great, but i do have a question - does it have to involve ritual abuse, or is it also the cycle of abuse? does it just have to bounce from one generation to the other in order to be considered tv/a?

thank you

No, it doesn’t have to involve a spiritual belief.

Here are a few more links. Again, please let me know if you need more information and what sort.

Generational Abuse and Breaking the Cycle

Hurt People Hurt People:

Intergenerational Patterns of Child Maltreatment

Inter-generational Trauma

Oz

[thatlostnerd]

Losing empathy

Many don’t understand what it’s like to lose your empathy.

Years of being treated as a human punching bag both physically and emotionally leave me with nothing.

Being numb to everyone and everything going around you.

Tears still felt but never released.

Anger is all that remains.

[raincitygirl76]

Excellent post about Intergenerational trauma. Kristina is both a victim of the system and an enforcer of it. She got all the rebelliousness ground out of her when she was younger, and she survived the process.

So now it’s her son’s turn to submit to the system. And she’ll nudge him along every step of the way. Because she’s retroactively decided that her parents and the royal court broke her spirit because they love her. So she has to express her love by doing the same to her son.

tbh we don't talk about the depiction of generational trauma in young royals enough. we see kristina lecture wille multiple times on the importance of keeping up an image, and how mistakes reflect on the entire family. erik, while a more positive figure in wille's life and more aware of his brother's anxiety, recites the same thing practically word for word. even when he's teasing wille about having a crush and encouraging him to hang out with simon, erik still tells wille to put on a persona for the rest of the school and mingle. in wille's fight with simon, he blurts out the same bs about his family's reputation etc. etc., but instantly regrets it when he starts to lose simon.

kristina's probably had the speech she teaches to her children drilled into her from a young age, since both she and erik had known from the start that they were the heirs. wille, as the "spare," has more doubts about these values and priorities, shown when he argues that he just wants a normal life in episode one. he actively pushes back against his family's demands right up until erik's death. wille's always idolized and admired his brother, so when the title of crown prince and its responsibilities are passed to him, so is the pressure to adhere to the crown's tradition.

the show does a great job of showing that even though wille really, really wants to break free for simon and for himself, all it takes is one short conversation with his mother from the cycle to drag him right back in. generational trauma is never easy to break free from, much less when you're an anxiety-ridden teenager with the weight of a country on your shoulders, unprocessed grief from losing your brother, and on top of that, the added trauma of just being outed in the worst way possible. kristina even tells him about her own "unfortunate romance" that ended because she was taught to choose the crown over everything else.

[fosteringinsc]

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: Understanding and Preventing the Cycle

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: Understanding and Preventing the Cycle. The cycle of abuse is a devastating pattern that perpetuates harmful behaviors across generations. It involves a recurring cycle of abuse where individuals who have experienced abuse as children may become abusers themselves as adults. In this blog post, we will delve into the concept of the cycle of abuse, its effects, and…

[liberaljane]

Your feelings are valid on too. Special shoutout to all the cycle breakers. 💐

Created with Mother Wound Project

Digital illustration depicting three generations of women with a ribbon linking all of them. The scene includes an elderly Latina woman shrugging, a middle-age Afrolatina woman dodging the ribbon & her daughter cutting the ribbon. Text reads, “pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it” by Stephi Wagner

[star-anise]

Ask I got on my sideblog but am answering here:

Hi there! I know you're a therapist and I have a question: I saw some people arguing on Twitter about the impacts of trauma. There was a therapist among them, and they had a masters degree in social work, they post about it often. They say that people who have experienced trauma hurt other people because it benefits them or gives them pleasure, and they are disconnected from empathy and sympathy. That seems wrong, but maybe it's not? That's all, thanks!

Ooof, yeah, that's... complicated. It's technically true, but also frequently used as a lie.

Trigger warning: Child abuse, child grooming, interpersonal violence, trauma (childhood & intergenerational), true crime, totalitarianism

Because basically, that describes MOST humans who decide to hurt other humans on purpose without a strong ulterior motive. That's not a trauma thing, that's a human thing.

I babysit for a family with a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old. When the 1yo does something to upset their older sibling, and that sibling winds up and smacks them, that's the same basic thing. It benefits them (makes 1yo go away), brings them pleasure (having an outlet for their anger is very satisfying), and they're disconnected from empathy (they're often surprised and confused when the 1yo is crying, because they're 3 and THEY feel fine and they don't really understand yet that other people's feelings really exist) or even sympathy (understanding that if you hit someone, they will probably be upset). That's something we adults have to watch out for and intervene in, because empathy and impulse control take time to learn.

But as for where trauma figures into this... how to explain.

There's this old logical puzzle about categories, where you say things like:

All dogs have four legs*

A dog is an animal

And then the catch is that you can't extend that to say

All animals have four legs

*RIP to all the tripods and legless animals that apparently aren't dogs anymore for the purposes of this logic exercise

Animals obviously include fish and millipedes and whales and snakes and jellyfish. The number of legs an animal can have is HIGHLY diverse, and will eventually lead to a debate on what the definition of "leg" is.

So there is this common thing we see:

Some people are much more violent and aggressive than other people

These violent and aggressive people have almost always experienced some form of trauma/abuse/neglect

And the link people are really prone to thinking is:

People who have experienced trauma/abuse/neglect will go on to being violent and aggressive with other people.

This is incorrect. To some degree, I can see why it's widely believed - after all, way more people tune in to learn about a serial killer's abusive childhood than for the more common story, which is survivors of trauma slowly going about their lives in ordinary undramatic ways.

Because the thing is, trauma is REALLY diverse. Humans are inherently varied and a bit chaotic, since we can choose very different ways to live and operate, and trauma splits that variability like a prism turning light into a rainbow. Only about 30% of abused children grow up to be abusive themselves. The other 70% choose very different lives.

And yet. My eternal question is: WHY is this such a meme? Why do so many people with a shitty childhood flinch at the 30% statistic and think, "Is that me? Am I destined to be a monster?" Why does this story have legs, when so many other facts about trauma have way more empirical backing and usefulness and get very little attention?

I submit that there is one group that fucking LOVES the idea that traumatized person equals abuser. One group that pushes it into the discourse, in international media or around the family kitchen table, with great ingenuity and gusto.

Abusers.

They love it for two reasons. The most obvious reason is: It absolves them of their actions. "It wasn't ME who hit you, it was my childhood trauma!" A veritable classic excuse that takes their agency out of the equation. And it really can be hard to tell when it's a good excuse and when it isn't!

Reason two is the more insidious one: It cuts their victim's sense of goodness, worthiness, and moral certainty out from under them.

It's as simple as saying, "Look at how you pushed back at me (when I was abusing you)! You're the REAL abuser here!" It's the heart of what domestic abuse researchers call DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). It can be that simple, or it can be so complicated and byzantine it makes your head hurt.

I only really got a handle on understanding this thanks to a friend, who said she was okay with me sharing this story if I didn't identify her. I won't go into any unrelated details of her abuse, but for the record, hers is probably the most extreme case of anyone I've personally interacted with, and I used to work as a therapist and in domestic violence shelters. Her dad heinously abused her as a child. He'd also studied psychology in university. I have been trying to fathom how the fuck anyone could do what he did to her for YEARS, and I think I've got a few viabletheories.

So. She was an ordinary child, bright, warmhearted, well-behaved, and a bit autistic. A bit more naive and trusting than your average preschooler. I imagine that from his perspective, there was the convenient benefit that he often had unrestricted access to her, and he could relatively easily overpower and manipulate her.

But she had one serious downside: If anyone ever found out what he was doing to her, they would go fucking apeshit. She wasn't really prone to lying or acting out, so people would treat her as a fairly credible reporter; several other adults found her she was lovable, innocent, and endearing; and what he wanted to do to her was, I repeat, heinous.

So while he abused her, one of the things he said was: "I'm doing this because I was abused as a child. That's how it works. All abusers come from abuse. There are statistics proving it. This means you're an abuser too. See what society thinks about child abusers? That's what people will think about you, if they know that you've been abused."

And she was, you know, a child, not someone who studied psych research. He was her dad. So she believed him.

She thought that he was using his adult brain to correctly assess the truth about her as a person, for purely objective reasons. The way you'd try to teach a kid who talks with their mouth full about table manners. It's been a couple decades now, but she is still very slowly chipping away at her core belief that she is inherently awful and only her father recognized the truth about her.

Sometimes when we talk about it I have to bite my tongue because I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck was going on with him, an adult man who wanted to abuse her because he'd really enjoy it. I think about him trying to figure out how to manipulate an innocent child into accepting being abused, and minimize the risk that he'd go to jail for it. And although I hate his everloving guts, I'm almost a bit impressed at his level of machiavellian audacity, to come up with a line that was SUCH hot bullshit that people have devoted their entire careers into proving it false, and yet, because it hit exactly the right psychological issue at exactly the right psychological stage and his intended victim was so trusting, he could get her to believe him enough to turn that lie into her core identity.

Praise be to G-d and Criminal Minds, he did not, in the end, get away with it. She got enough courage to tell people, and get free of him. And she is not, in fact, a horrible abusive person.

But I think what he did so very brazenly is what a lot of abusers do, in more disguised and indirect ways. Probably partly because it really helps, when abusing people, not to treat them like human beings with their own thoughts and feelings, but if one must posit that they have something going on between their ears, it's easiest to assume that everyone else responds to trauma with aggression and abuse. After all, considering the possibility that someone like them could choose not to be abusive takes all the fun and plausible deniability out of the whole affair.

But now I see echoes of that "my victims are just as bad as I am" tactic all over the place. I honestly think it's a very similar mechanism that Hannah Arendt pointed out in The Origins of Totalitarianism. She observes that violent totalitarian regimes routinely accuse their intended victims of the very act they intend to commit themselves, to justify a "retaliation" that's actually just aggression. Think claiming "Our opponents are rigging this election" as an excuse to rig an election in the opposite direction.)

To sum up: You're human. Humans can do good and bad things. It's not necessarily good to completely forswear anything violent or angry in you, but to come up with a framework of how to be assertive and get your needs met in an ethical fashion. There are times it is appropriate and even necessary to escape or fight against somebody else's will.

On the other hand, If find yourself inflicting pain on other people on a regular basis, get some support and take a good hard look at your life choices. Sometimes it's hard to figure out how to solve problems in your life without violence or aggression, and you might need some help with that. Maybe talk to a counsellor or learn anger management skills.

But in no way is it predestined, inherent, implicit, or doomed, that your experiences and brain wiring make you violent or evil. You always have the choice to define yourself beyond what was done to you.

[ladylightning]

the way the absence of john winchester haunt sam and dean in ways that are more real than any ghost they have ever faced. the way john echoes so loudly in the narrative even in episodes he’s not mentioned, in seasons where he never appears. the way john possesses dean when he’s angry and sam when he’s grieving. the way john is the one true god of the narrative, the absent father who does not answer prayers or phone calls. the righteous man who does not break in hell but breaks down and hands his child a gun. john and the memory of his holy mary. john the prophet and his sacred text. john and his prodigal son that he knows has to die. 

[awkwardandeccentric]

You ever notice how Blitz and Stolas were so traumatized by their fathers that they went too far in the other direction, accidentally hurting their daughters in the process?

Blitz was physically abused, the family scapegoat, constantly made to feel worthless, and taught from a young age that he’s only worth the money he can provide? So he’s overly doting and protective of Loona. He never lectures her, even when she’s causing trouble, because he doesn’t want to upset her and make her feel worthless or disposable. He won’t let her have a boyfriend, despite the fact that she’s an adult. He borderline infantilizes her.

Stolas is more a product of neglect and while he had a better time raising Via, it’s easier to raise a kid that you’ve had from birth as opposed to one you adopted only a month before they aged out of foster care. But he still swung too violently in the opposite direction. He has no boundaries with her. He protects her from the wrong threats (the knowledge of his abuse as opposed to the abuser, herself). It looks like she’s home schooled, so he still hasn’t worked out that the extreme isolation he suffered is a large part of why he’s Like This. He’s spent so much time attending to her every whim that when he decides it’s time to start chasing his own happiness, she can’t empathize because she was his happiness.

It’s a great depiction of intergenerational trauma. Both of them are trying so hard to never make their daughters feel as awful as they felt, but they’re scarring their daughters in different ways.

[unwelcome-ozian]

Hey, I’m curious if you might know the answer to this? Is there a term for abuse that could be very similar to RAMCOA, only NOT done by an actual organization? Like, could fit a lot of the rest like being ritual abuse, mind control tactics involved, even done by multiple people - but NOT done by an actual organized group?

RAMCOA is not a single type of abuse.  The meanings of the letters are described here.  Under the umbrella RAMCOA, abuse would not need to be perpetrated by an organization, but it is usually perpetrated by a group of people who have gathered or organized with the intent to abuse others for their own benefit.  If this group is actually performing a ritual, and the abuse is part of the ritual, then it would be ritual abuse.  Some organizations do abuse.  Trafficking may be done through an organization, or it just might be organized and done through a group of people.     

A term that could describe an occurrence where a group of people (could be a random group or random victims) perpetrated against one or more victims could be “multi-perpetrator abuse”.

“Narcissistic abuse”, “coercive control”, "toxic families/relationships" and “covert abuse” describe abuse that occurs to children in families and partners in relationships where control tactics are used.  

"Intergenerational violence" is a term that describes abuse that occurs from generation to generation within families.  

You will note that whereas the intent of this tumblr is to help survivors of trauma based mind control programming, we usually use the terms “abuse” and “trauma” when describing the abuse because they are sufficient to describe the impact of the past on the present.  I hope this adds to your understanding. 

~Josha

[pyrosex]

Never being able to fit in fucks with a person deeply

[winepresswrath]

also the way these writers go for "my sister was my daughter" they are salivating over lestat/gabrielle they are so. excited. if we get next season i'm going to be watching through my fingers.

[pjharvey]

ultimately boys for pele is my preacher’s daughter bc the problem with preacher’s daughter is ethel cain made it sound too pretty for the subject matter it covers and it attracted i think a wider audience than can actually relate to any of what that album is about at all

[coachbeards]

i think a heartbreaking thing about carmy and mikey, as well as a lot of people with loved ones suffering from addiction, is that carmy didn’t realize he was an addict. but that’s not fully because of his reasoning of “i was never here, i never saw him”, but also because it’s clear carmy didn’t want to believe it. I don’t know how he could’ve sat through that dinner, hearing lee basically accuse mikey of being high and the behavioral changes of mikey, and not realize that there was something going on. it’s easy for carmy, who comes from a family of addicts, to not want to believe that the same thing is happening to his brother. his best friend. so he ignores the obvious, he overlooks the signs during that dinner, presumably during any time he saw mikey recently. he didn’t know mikey was using, but i know he’s retroactively thinking of all the signs he missed or didn’t want to think too much about.

[neurotypicalabusesurvivor]

There are many violent neurodivergent people. This violence is usually caused by the medical model of disability and not because of their neurotype.

Society likes to scape goat disabled people for violent behavior. That school shooter was mentally ill, my abuser was a narcissist, oh there is a link between childhood trauma and criminality. Intergenerational trauma is caused by mentally ill people abusing each other.

No where along the line is society as a whole hold accountable. Sometimes a mentally ill person does harmful stuff because of the medical model and childhood trauma. Sometimes they are just an abusive asshole.

However no matter what the reason for a mentally ill person behavior is it does not change the fact that you benefit from the medical model of disability.

That it is a privilege not to have OCD, autism, ADHD, DID and any other number of neurotypes.

[rhysnolastname]

My grandparents refused to come down here to South Florida and stayed in Tampa, they say they’re out of storm surge reach but like. There’s no certainty in anything when it comes to a massive hurricane. They just had Helene. I just wished they’d come down here and be safe.

[angria]

Mother told me this a couple days ago, but I think it's starting to sink in now. Of course this happens when T is away.

TW: suicide plan (not me)

The conversation started in the context of another person's daughter, who was recently committed for depression and suicidality. My mother must have shared a bit about herself to this person, without going into a lot of detail (and she didn't describe my history).

I knew she struggled with ideation in her early 20's and her brother had to move in with her so she wasn't alone (this was in the late 70's, early 80's). She moved out of her abusive household at 18, went to college and nursing school full-time while simultaneously working full-time. And similar to me, I think everything hit the fan once you are finally removed from an abusive situation. That your body/brain finally relaxes and everything floods. But, she shared a new detail....

Apparently, she brought home a tool from the hospital and had everything planned. I don't know the aftermath, but that is when her brother moved in and she started therapy and medication. Our conversation moved on and I kind of shoved it to the back of my mind because I was getting ready to go to pub theo. Now it seems to have settled in my head and not sure what to do with the information.

While in high school, I remember when I first told her that I was suicidal and attempted as a child. Her reaction was say I am a liar and slammed the door in my face. Then, when I was a freshman in college, when the stupid counseling center gave me an ultimatum to tell my parents about my trauma symptoms surfacing and the ideation/SH, she once again said I was lying and stormed out of the restaurant (my prof said to tell them in a public place so they couldn't do anything). She later told me her reaction was because she "knew" what it was to be suicidal and I couldn't possible know since my life was better than hers (HA).

Idk....just feel scrambled inside. Trying to balance how she was throughout my childhood and up until a couple years ago when things started to improve and she became more transparent about her own shit. I don't want to have sympathy or understanding because then that feels like it negates what I experienced. I know it doesn't work that way and I'm being all or nothing. But, at the same time, it doesn't make sense otherwise.