#incorrect me and my dick quotes

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[everwalldigan]

I love the fact that Alfred’s preferred method of communication is through food (if he’s mad at you he’ll make your least favourite food, maybe burn it a little on “accident” and if he’s concerned or proud he’ll make a special favourite etc etc) so that got me thinking… Bruce grew up with that way of communication and since brooding is effectively off the table cause hes always brooding, what would be passive aggressive ways he’ll show that he’s pissed off with somebody?

Bruce: *while handing out comm links he hands Tim the one that is most uncomfortable (it’s a tiny bit bigger in size than the others and He Can Feel It)*

Tim: seriously Bruce? You’re still mad about the Batmobile thing?

Bruce: *brooding intensifies*

Bruce: *giving out areas to patrol and gives dick his least favourite part of Gotham*

Dick: BRUCE PLEASE IVE BEEN PATROLLING THAT AREA FOR WEEKS NOW IM SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED OFF YOUR “VERY IMPORTANT” DOCUMENTS OK??

Bruce: I’ll give you another area to patrol when my formerly perfectly kept folder is as NEAT AS IT USED TO BE!

Dick: ONLY ONE PAPER GOT A LITTLE DIRT ON IT AND ITS ALL INTELLIGIBLE!

Bruce: YOU CANT EVEN TELL IF ITS AN UPPERCASE i OR A LOWERCASE L ANYMORE! THATS A SECURITY RISK!

Bruce: *handing out protein bars during a quieter night and gives Jason a slightly smushed one*

Jason: *takes it and sighs dramatically* you know, I slept so deeply yesterday that I thought I came back from the dead again but, well, it came with a little less pain and emotional manipulation so I-

Bruce: *scowling so hard his cowl almost breaks, takes the smushed protein bar from Jason and gives him his own perfect one instead*

Jason: *smiles innocently in Alfred’s favourite*

[greenapplebling]

Tim: Who suffers more, God or us?

Jason: God will suffer when I get there

Dick: And that's why he won't let you die for real

Jason: Cursed with immortality? Outrageous...

Tim: Or cursed to spend your other life in the limbo

Jason: I'm banned from Hell too??

[milesofstars]

dont worry about it jason...

[ahfrickenfrick]

damian: let’s have a knife fight

dick: let’s not

tim: im tired of losing the knife fights

jason: sorry that damian and i are better than you all

cass: …

jason: no you’re so right—— sorry that cass is better than all of us

[damianwaynerocks]

batfamily as things my friend group has said/done:

bruce, 21 years old: “someone needs to talk me out of adopting a 17 year old bc i’m about to write a letter to the court” “bruce have you taken your meds today” “that’s unrelated.”

alfred: “i’d be worried if stephanie started dating someone who did meth because then she’d start doing meth”

dick: had to be hospitalized for eating nothing but microwave mac and cheese for two weeks straight

jason: “sorry i didn’t answer your call, i walked in on someone getting murdered last night and i felt pressured to intervene. i’m fine though. like concerningly fine. do we think this traces back to my father.”

tim: “sorry to call you at 2am but can i talk to you about nuclear terrorism? i think i just discovered russia’s secret weapon” (she did in fact discover it when we saw it hit the news six months later. she will not reveal how she discovered it)

duke: “i also know when jason is off his meds because he starts asking people to buy him hammers”

stephanie: accidentally heart reacted to someone texting her that they got roofied

cass: responded to someone confiding in her that they think they’re an alcoholic with the 😟 emoji

damian: accidentally told papa kent that he’s his favorite grandfather figure because “the spot opened up.” (the original one died)

[murdockbuckley]

jason: mate i'll fight you

dick: i'll bite you

jason: BITE ME?

dick: yeah? you bite me, i'll bite you

jason: I SAID FIGHT YOU! WHY WOULD I BITE YOU?

dick: ohh... i'll still bite you

[nookisms]

The Riddler: Riddle me thi- Is that a fucking kid.

Dick Grayson, a non-native English speaker: What does fucking mean?

The Riddler: Fuck- I mean shit- I mean it's a grown up word, ask your dad about it

[A Few Years Later]

The Riddler: Riddle me th- Is that another fucking kid

Jason Todd, raised in Crime Alley his entire life: Who the hell you calling a fucking kid? I'll beat your ass motherfucker, you and me right now.

The Riddler: Wow you are. Something.

[A Few Years After That]

The Riddler: Riddle me- Where the fuck are you getting these children?

Tim Drake, raised in high society but also not raised at all: That's a naughty word sir.

The Riddler: At least you're polite

[A Few More Years Later]

The Riddler: Riddle m- WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS ONE HAVE A SWORD!?

Damian Wayne, above silly things like Vulgar Language: I Was Expecting A Battle Of Wits, But You Appear To Be Unarmed.

The Riddler: WHY DOES HE TALK LIKE THAT???

[vigilvntes]

dick, giving the family a pep talk: everything you lose is a step you take

the family, nodding in agreement:

jason:

jason: hang on. wait a sec. did you just... quote taylor swift?

dick: ......what? no. no.

jason: no. no, you definitely did. that's taylor swift.

dick: it's not–... i didn't–

barbara: how do you know enough taylor swift to be able to quote her in your speeches?

dick, panicking: *points at jason* well how does he know enough taylor swift to be able to notice that i'm quoting taylor swift?

jason, on his way out: my lawyers will be in contact

tim, quietly: he doesn't even have a lawyer

[floofanflurr]

have a comic that i never polished up. it’s been sitting in my drafts for at least a month.

[fanaticalthings]

While I do find it funny that henchmen in Gotham probably warn each other about the Red Hood because he's a bat who will actually kill you. I think it would be better if Jason was actually seen as some sort of savior or idol to like 90% of the goons scattered around Gotham. Doesn't matter who they work for, they all know Jason, former crime-lord that took over majority of Gotham's underground in one night.

---

Jason, years after the events of UTRH, now fighting crime alongside the batfam, except every goon he runs into immediately recognizes him, stops fighting, and starts begging.

the first time it happens, Jason assumes they're begging for their lives only to hear them begging for him to return to the crime lord business so they can work for him and not Gotham's current money-stingy, abusive rogues (Black Mask lol)

---

Jason showing up to patrol as backup for Dick in an overrun warehouse full of Two-Face's henchmen and as Jason's about to interfere, one of the men stops dead in their tracks and stares really hard at Jason until:

Goon: Oh my God, boss, is that you?

Jason, pulling out his guns, about to shoot:

Goon: Mr. Hood, sir???

Jason, halfway about to pull the trigger: Wait a min–Jeremy? Oh wow, it's been ages! How's the wife?

Goon (Jeremy): Oh my God it IS you, holy shit where have you BEEN? Me and the guys miss you, man!

Dick, with a knife at his throat: What is happening right now

Jason: Ahh, well, crime-lording just wasn't fitting in on the daily schedule. Tryna turn over a new leaf and all that

Goon (Jeremy): Aw, that's disappointing. We really liked working for you, right guys?

[Chorus of enthusiastic "YEAHS" from the rest of the henchmen (even the one holding Dick at knifepoint)]

Goon (Jeremy): Well, anyways, I can't beat you up knowing you're my old boss! You gave us the best health benefits! We'll just let you take the evidence and leave.

Jason: Aw, thanks guys :)

---

And that's why 95% percent of Jason's missions in Gotham end in success. Not because he's willing to kill people or because rogues are terrified of him, but because 90% of the rogues' henchmen once worked for Jason and fuckin love him lol.

[everwalldigan]

Bruce being a toxic boy mom when it comes to nightwing will never not be funny as fuck he is literally the biggest nightwing defender one bad word against him and the next day he’ll show up at ur house

Bonus:

[batfamgalore]

Jason: Oh my god, can I kill him!

Dick: No.

Jason: Can I at least slash his tires?

Dick: Okay.

[unidentifiedgothamite]

dick: little wing, i think you came back wrong

jason: the hell are you on about, dickie?

dick, standing on his tippy toes and gesturing towards jason's head: you came back taller than me!

jason, baffled: you think just 'cause i'm taller, there must be something wrong with me?

dick, pouting: it hurts my pride as the oldest, okay?!

[super-marvel-dc]

Dick: *Looking out of the kitchen window* geez- what the hell?!

Dick: Jason, why is Y/N tied to a tree?!

Jason: I put them in time out.

Dick: Why?

Jason: Because, when we went to McDonald's earlier some kid threw his french fries on the floor and his dad told him if he did it again he was going to spank him...

Jason: Y/N threw their fries on the floor...

Dick: ...

Damian, walking into the kitchen: Why is Y/N tied to a tree?

Jason, and Dick: They're in time out.

[nonaonann]

Jason: *really looking at Dick and their height difference*

Dick: "What?"

Jason: "You're my little big brother."