#im stressed the fuck out about everything
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some little facts about pete spankoffski (and story notes) for a fic im writing :]
basically all of canon npmd happens and pete is like,, transported back to the morning directly before the bathroom scene as if nothing happened
- he remembers all of canon npmd. too well, if you asked him
- he can vaguely hear HIS steph talking him through things if (when) they get tough :( not very clearly, though.
- he can also hear the lib (tinky mostly) taunting him in scenes like the waylon place
- his blood sugar is fucked up dude. its bad. like hes having a bit of a rough time balancing it with everything else. he is SO stressed guys
- on a similar note, he quickly gets on emmas good side so he can maybe get his hot chocolate faster (it works)
- he purposefully keeps max off the stairs and when hes questioned he grabs a rock or and throws it (hard) and the stairs collapse
- max shares his beer with steph, ruth, and richie, while pete and grace (of course) stay sober. this happens repeatedly until richie brings better booze and pete joins in lol
- pete hates beer, but he can handle teds rum in very small amounts. he hates the taste of most other alcohols
- pete starts working out and gets as ripped as he can without anyone noticing
- he also starts actively talking to ruth and richie about ANYTHING he can get them to talk about. starwars, anime, games, sex, theatre, he doesnt care.
- none of ruths comments bother him anymore, either. no matter how aggressively thirsty she gets, pete gets to hear one of his best friends talk again. he doesnt mind what shes saying
- petes grades slip a little at first. ok maybe more than a little. his highest grade for about three weeks is a b. 84%
- nobody knows about this until steph gets a higher grade on a test and he cries a little in the bathroom. she got an 89 in math. he got a 76.
- he never actually fully recovers from the grade dip, and his gpa drops permanently from a 4.+ to a steady 3.8
- he chops and dyes his hair three days after the waylon place
- he actually bleaches it and dyes the tips a light redish color
- on a similar red note, he has a bit of a freak out (its a trauma response lets be honest) every time he sees anyone in dark red. especially max with his favorite, blood colored t-shirt
- he has consistent nightmares about shooting steph, and they get worse as the two of them get closer. again.
- she drops about 12 pounds of hints to try to get him to ask her out, but he never reciprocated. she assumes he's oblivious, but in reality hes actually just stuck on the version of steph that helped him dismember a body. the one that held him while he cried over his only friends graves.
- on a happier note, pete isnt beat up anymore :D
yeah anyway ask me about these guys im shaking them in a little jar rn
(this is a draft from december of 2023 😭 im STILL writing this fic. felt it was fair to show this to the world
#peter spankoffski#pete spankoffski#starkid#npmd#nerdy prudes must die#raspy rambles#raspberry writes#npmd au#hints of lautski#orpheus muses#i guess. idk
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💊
#personal#im stressed the fuck out about everything#and depressed as hell#again#i tried to go back to the psych office i used to go to but bc its been so long they consider me a new client#so i filled out all the new client paperwork and turned it in online like they asked and they said after that they would call me back#and schedule the appointment#well its been over a week and they never called or emailed me back and work has been so rough that i havent been able#to get out of work early enough before their office closes to call and be like wtf can i make a fucking appointment#so i dont know when ill get this damn appointment and on top of that the 1st appointment will cost double bc im now a new client i guess#and the office is like an hour drive away but none of the other offices near me have good reviews#maybe they just had a backload from winter breaks idk#but yeah stressed about that and i can never fucking sleep well#cant fall asleep cant stay asleep dont feel well after rest its bs#and im eternally broke#really need a new bed thats bigger so i can maybe sleep better with my bf#i could ask my parents for money help but i hate doing that im almost 25 i shouldnt be so fucking broke and dependent right#also ive been feeling ugly for over a year#and this weather has me fucked up#and bills have me fucked up#ugh
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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Thought i would be done but...yeah didn't happen. Part one here.
Living with Max is easy.
He doesn't whine when Daniel is taking care of his leg, he doesn't mind sleeping on some blankets on the floor, next to the fireplace, he offers to help around, and best of all he doesn't ask questions.
Well, not exactly. He asks so many questions. Once he gets over his initial bout of shyness and quiet, he asks questions about Daniel's vegetables, about his horse, about the woods, about the traps, about the animals. He offers his own opinions too, telling Daniel he's growing peas in too much shade and that he's cooking his meat for too long. And, much to Daniel's annoyance, he is often right too.
But he doesn't ask questions about Daniel. He doesn't know if it is because Max doesn't care or because he doesn't want to be asked questions back, but he appreciates being spared the trouble of telling him to mind his own business.
They also work surprisingly well together. Max is older than he initially seemed, dirt, hunger and exhaustion making him look younger, and he seems to know a little bit of everything. Even if he doesn't ask, Daniel is a little curious about what path in life brought him to have such a wide mix of knowledge. He seems to know how to move around the woods without scaring the prey, how to skin and cook animals, how to take care of the vegetables (better than Daniel), how to keep himself and the house clean.
It's nice to have a second pair of hands around, even if the pair of hands should sit down more often to let their leg heal. Not that Max ever listened to that.
And he's funny. Daniel hadn't realised how much he missed just sitting around the table after dinner, talking and laughing with someone else. How good it was to wake up and find the fire already stoked and the water pitch already filled. To have someone to say good morning to who would say it back.
Daniel hadn't been thinking of himself as lonely before, he was content with his choice of life, but he can admit that he likes this. He is glad Max decided to stay and he's glad Max seems to be having a good time too, at least from what Daniel could tell.
This is why, when about three weeks after Max's arrival he wakes up in the middle of the night to the sounds of him moving around the house, his first thought isn't Max is leaving, but something is wrong.
"Are you okay?" he asks, voice scratchy with sleep and way too loud in the quiet of the night.
He watches Max flinch, dropping something, before turning around to face Daniel.
"Go back to sleep," he whispers, too shaky to be a good order. There's something different in his voice, and it only takes Daniel's tired brain a few moments to realise that he had heard those notes before, in the woods about three weeks ago. Fear.
Daniel sits up, eyes finally adjusting to the silver darkness of the room, moonlight streaming through the open windows.
"What's wrong?" he asks again, voice lower, matching Max's whisper.
He listens to the sounds coming from outside, thinking that maybe the men Max was running from have come back, but he can't hear anything unusual in the late summer night.
Max is grabbing what he dropped on the floor, stuffing it into a bag that he must have taken from Daniel's things, but the moment, Daniel doesn't even care about the fact that he's very obviously stealing from him.
"Max, what is happening?" He's getting frustrated now, hates not knowing what is going on, worry and irritation growing together.
He stands up, taking a couple of steps towards Max, wanting to see him better, but he stops when Max flinches back.
"I need to leave," he finally says, voice raspy. It's not an explanation, and Daniel suddenly regrets never asking any questions.
"Why? Where?"
He doesn't want Max to leave. The knowledge of that settles like armor on his chest, safe but heavy. Living with Max isn't just easy, it's good. He doesn't want to go back to an empty house, not after the past weeks have been so nice.
"I...I need..." Max shudders, as if in pain, and Daniel's legs ache with the need of walking closer.
"Did something happen?" Did I do something wrong?
Max shakes his head, jerky and sharp. When he exhales, Daniel can hear him bite back a whine.
He doesn't want to scare Max, but he is confused, and he is worried, and he is not going to let him go without an explanation.
He steps between Max and the door.
"You owe me an explanation," he says, hating the way it makes Max stiffen, unwilling to take it back anyway.
"I don't owe you..." Max snaps, before interrupting himself with half a growl. "You haven't told me anything either!"
"That's different. I'm not running away in the middle of the night."
Max takes a step forward, back tense, and Daniel instinctively braces himself, eyes flying towards the table, where his knife always is, but Max doesn't attack him.
He shivers again, hands clenching around the bag and then letting it fall on the ground with a thump, shoulders slumping as all the fight seems to leave him.
"Please, Daniel, I need to leave. It's...it's not safe."
Max looks up, finally meeting Daniel's eyes, and he's suddenly reminded of what the man had said, so many days ago.
He's dangerous. Cursed.
Max's eyes look weird, blue brighter than ever, almost glowing in the moonlight. His face is twisted in pain and there's the glimmer of sweat gathering at his hairline. None of that would worry Daniel, but there's something...different in him. Something other.
Cursed.
The room seems too bright now. The moon is almost full tonight.
Cursed.
Max had said he hadn't killed anyone, but if this is what Daniel is thinking of...
Max closes his eyes, whole body shivering again, his edges almost blurring with it. Or maybe it's not just a trick of the light. Daniel doesn't know what to think anymore.
He doesn't want Max to go. He doesn't want this to happen.
He steps away from the door.
For a moment, they both stand still, looking at each other.
For a moment, Daniel hopes he'll wake up and it will be morning, and Max will be coming in with the last tomatoes from the garden.
Then Max whines, something low and pained, something animal, and bolts.
Daniel doesn't stop him.
He watches as his shadow changes even before he's fully reached the trees.
Then he sits on the doorstep and waits for the sunrise.
#maxiel#my writing#i never did come up with a tag for this uh#cursed max au#good enough but i accept any and all suggestions for a name for this au because i dont like that#ignore any typos im sad and hungry and that should justify everything#part three will come...probably...#like i know what happens in it but writing it is different#i might write it later i might write it in a week i might never write it who knows not me#also im glad people seemed to like this but so many people said they couldn't wait to see what would happen#and now i am stressed the fuck out about letting everyone down sjdgbdjfb#also if you think you know what is happening no you don't :)
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went to post this on twitter but i didnt wanna get banned . crazy that u can scrape my entire lifes work and i cant even tell u to die over it <3
#im just so ........#grips fists#i feel Helpless#i hate feeling like the people i know are receding further and further Away from art communities and the public because its so#painful right now#to be posting art :(#it just IS.#and to the motherfuckers in Toyhouse doing this like... i cannot stress enough how much if u called me rn i would tell u to die 2 ur face#i just... cant pretend like im Okay with u being anywhere Near the same space as me anymore <3#there are people i Hate on an individual level and#i still want to see them eat. just not at my table#but to everyone who Scrapes Art. I want you to Die <3 ....#you value having pretty little image and serving yourself over the grief of millions of artists#to the point where you break into Our spaces where we trust that we're at least safe from *you* motherfuckers#and take Even More ...#youre fucking#selfish and greedy#truly an embodiment of every fucking sin#unable to fucking Help Yourself ?#imagine if all of these people were like. contributing to society.or. idk. DRAWING#the Waste it generates stresses me out to no fucking end too#like you will literally harm the entire human race for Yourself#i Hate you . I Hate you so Wholly#I hate Everything you are and Everything you have done to me and Everything you have done to my community and my peers#yeah. i want you to Die. The same way i want a politician to die.#no human Deserves death <3 but i still want you to <3#annnyyywaayyyyyss#i wont tag this as my art LMFAO its basically a fucking#vent post#i just HAD to get my feelings out cuz genuinely every time i talk about this with my friends it
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so there's a reason my new job got back to me so quickly about my application and that's bc it's an absolute fucking shambles like actually perfect timing for me to decide to rewatch the bear bc i have never more felt like ive been thrown into a broke on-its-knees establishment trying to crawl its way up the ladder where i am somehow a godsend to them. my old job was crazy and shambolic in the sense that the industry is just Like That but this one?????? insanity. every 5 mins i am questioning what im doing with my life. ive already had a walk-in fridge moment
#so i explained before that there's 3 venues and on my very first shift they had me doing the restaurant venue for 2 hours#which was FINE like i was a bit cautious bc my manager is VERY stressed all the time and the place generally feels like it's falling apart#not the building itself just. the way it's run like it's just got new owners and the previous manager apparently#EMPTIED THE TILLS AND TRASHED THE PLACE like cost them THOUSANDS of pounds and on top of that#there was beef with the head chef and the new owners that meant he left and took the ENTIRE BACK OF HOUSE WITH HIM#THERE ARE NO KITCHEN STAFF ATM. I HAVE TO LIE AND TELL CUSTOMERS WE DONT HAVE FOOD ATM BC OF 'REFURBISHMENT'#WHEN IN ACTUALITY THE /RESTAURANT/ DOESNT HAVE CHEFS. DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT IS#and then the front of house staff are very lacking aside maybe 2 people we're ALL NEW and all of them EXCEPT ME#LIKE LITERALLY JUST ME IM THE ONLY EXCEPTION. ALL OF THEM ARE UNTRAINED#so when i applied with bar training coffee training and very solid waitressing skills they genuinely treated me like a saviour#like i am FENDING off shifts tbh im in a v good position bc they need me too much to get shitty w me if i refuse hours but i can literally#have as many as i want bc they will just give me them. like they're obsessed w me im rota'd for over 60 hours this week#but anyway that very first shift after 2 hours in the restaurant i then walked to the mini golf venue on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWN#and my manager stayed for 30 MINUTES. IF THAT. and showed me around the place + how to close THEN LEFT ME THERE#FIRST DAY HE GAVE ME THE KEYS AND LEFT ME TO RUN AN ENTIRE VENUE. IT'S NOT SMALL EITHER IT'S A WHOLE BAR#AND I HAD TO CLOSE ON MY OWN TOO and ironically the shift itself went rlly well like it was so chill#it was kinda boring but honestly i kinda rated it it's v easy money and the close went perfectly nothing cropped up that i was unsure about#and then. AND THEN. i havent even ranted to my mutuals about this yet bc i was acc so horrified by it but i locked the front doors#and went to lock the gate AND THE KEY GOT STUCK IN THE LOCK. WOULD NOT COME OUT. HELLA VS KEYS ROUND 3927593#my mum even showed up and tried to help me wrestle this thing out i called my manager and he literally told me to just snap it#bc he'd rather a snapped key that NO ONE could get out than just leave it there overnight but bc of my recent house key moment#i was like AM I FUCK SNAPPING THIS KEY. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING. so i had to just leave it and at the time#i was realllyyyyyyyyyy beating myself up but my manager is actually rlly nice he's just stretched v thin#and ive also had time to be like uhh actually they shouldnt have left a random 21 y/o girl alone with the keys on her first day#omg i havent even talked about what happened on saturday. ACTUAL SHAMBLES#LIKE THIS /\/\ ISNT EVEN CLOSE TO EVERYTHING! IM RUNNING OUT OF TAG ROOM! IM GONNA REBLOG THIS TONIGHT W MORE PROBABLY!#BC GUESS WHO IS WORKING A CLOSE LATER AT THE NIGHTCLUB THEN OPENING THE RESTAURANT AT 8AM. GUESS#hella slaves to capitalism
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my time in kindergarten has cursed me with the knowledge that kyle is def the tiny 'erm, actually!' kid in big ass fishbowl glasses who tries to answer questions that i haven't even finished asking yet, is reading books at third grade reading level like 6 y/o megamind, all of which is Great except that little fkn einstein is constantly TRYING ME by attempting to undermine my authority by staging a literal Coup in my class over who should clean up the magnetiles and ‘start shit’ aka intense philosophical debates abt BLUEY during Quiet Time.
and conversely, stan is the kid who almost gets hit by a car during pick up trying to pick a fkn ROLLYPOLY out of the gd street, needs to be told 25/8 to stop playing in the planters/stop building complex worm terrariums out of sticks and mud everyday at recess, cries anytime i have to raise my voice above a whisper, is super adhd, gets extremely overstimulated by EVERYTHING, blurts Constantly abt things he did over the weekend and drew a...Very Frightening ‘my family portrait’ of his dad yelling, mom crying, sister in devil horns and him frowning...
...In Big, Blue, Lopsided Crayon.
#nina speaks#this is my truth as a kteacher#also i am leading for three days next week please clap#i will be stressed out and crying but i love my kids and my job even if sometimes it is very hard it is the same as writing for me#BUT OKAY I KNOW ITS NOT EVERYONES STYLE#BUT ITS MINE OH MY GODDDD#I FEEL THIS IN MY BLOOD AND MY BONES#i have had both these children in my class#and it is a an absolute joy and it is a nightmare from HELL#the last part is actually a different kid#i did have to...call home about that i was...Concerned#BUT I KNOW THAT KYLE IS TRYING TO ARGUE WITH ME#EVERY FUCKING DAY ABOUT EVERYTHING LIKE#I SAID WHAT I SAID WHAT I SAID SIR#GODDAMN#I KNOW STAN IS LIKE I WANT MY MOM#EVERYDAY AND LIVES IN THE PLANTERS MAKING WORM HABITATS FROM THE RAIN WHICH IS VERY CUTE#BUT YOU ARE COVERED IN DIRT BESTIE#AND KYLE IS CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR AT SIX#AND TRUE TO NCU STYLE LITTLE KYLE WANTS FUCK ALL TO DO WITH LITTLE STAN AND LITTLE STAN#IS HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND EVERY KID IN THAT CLASS IS HEAD OVER HELLS IN LOVE WITH STAN#BUT HE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK HE WANTS THE WEIRD FERAL KNOW IT ALL KID TO NOTICE HIM HELL DO ANYTHIN#anyways...do u understand...also im working on the jk finds out rs is stan ask...we are not ready and i mean it
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i am not immune to launchpad sol and albin thoughts
#ramble tag#its so like. okay.#launchpad was when they 'peaked'. best years of their lives#the . i think what we canonically know happened at launchpad was like.#laquidditch (fun!) christmas special adventures (fun!)#and then . also#getting deeply bullied. sol lightly kidnapped to launchpad. lizer. claudius. 'you made us run until we threw up' 'im pretty sure he got off#on torturing kids'. literally what the fuck was their deal#getting stuck in a spiders web ???? for a semester ?????#......??? getting chased down by a vaccum cleaner ..........#'it got a lot darker near the end' ... fun pretend child endangerment#like . man.#not to sound CRAZY or anything. does anyone get the impression launchpad was like. a bad ? time ? for them ?? like. it just straight up. bad#by god does it rlly sound to me like#the feeling of when high school was so bad it made ur life a living hell to be in. and u were truly just. surviving#but then youd b goofing off w ur friends in a little dorm. and the stress and the exhaustion seems to color everything that isnt that.#in a beautiful hazy rosy golden film#it hurt but the hurt was monotonous and dull. so all u remember were those shining bright in betweens#sol and albie sneaking into the kitchen and enchanting the self moving cookingware and just seeing what happens#and watching mothership approved saturday morning cartoons in bed#and studying together late at night n sol tucks albin in after hes crashed from hiss allnighter#and passing notes in class#and all that free time over crittermas breaks to do stupid dares and long rambling conversations abt nothing#sol knits albie his first sweater#they have their first beer together#they come back after a really bad day for the both of them and lie on the floor and talk abt anything but that#albin practices spells on sol and its not a good or safe idea but its probably fine#albin pettily bitching about his assigned partner for an arcana class project and sol blindly tsking his side always#only wizards can check out library books and albie checks out all sols books for him#...... anyway
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Day 223 | id in alt
Maki thinking some very unsorcererly things over a piece of damn cheesecake.
(Read from right to left💥)
#dailykugisaki#jjk#kugisaki nobara#itadori yuji#zenin maki#inumaki toge#its always the cheesecake tbh#cheese cake isn't bad i think it depends on the type for me tbh sometimes it takes too....cakey....???#fuck i dont even know#ive had some very good cheesecake in my life and man im trying to rob a relative of her recipe#anyway. Maki had a strict diet because of the clan but because Kugisaki showed up and found out her love of junkfood....#it all came crashing down VERY quickly#Kugisaki indulges Maki and vice versa. its kinda funny how they're both violent enablers of eachother#Not pointing fingers but if you're gonna be vauge in the comments then get out or post up in the asks#tell me what ails you#for the other people#these two are fucking deranged idk what their issue is but im sure ill figure it out sometime#im getting there nobamaki enjoyers im getting there TRUST TRUST#time to get hysterically distracted while i write the description of the images#suddenly everything turns into cocomelon#i fucked up the placement but yknow my ass#Kugisaki and Maki are just too silly they're trying to exist but they're so fucked up#my silliest silly#Maki has only the faintest idea of fucked up connections and nobody talks about how shes absolutely abysmal at it#my brain is envisioning Kugisaki with a brick and that's it rn#Beyonce songs are playing#am i hallucinating#the fucked up spoon....lordt#thought about those wack bitches with those wide ass necks and cried#i hope you all imagine everytime i type shit in the tags that its of those stressed ass evangelion screams
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the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something
#WHAT AM I DOING!!!!#i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch#too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun#no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point#trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this#WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!!#there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time#my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me#my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job#i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time#i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again#and WHAT DO I WANT!#THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY!#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!#anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed#delete later#i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious)#versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected)#i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want#ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you#i miss that i want that back#whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go
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please stop making sense
#kallo jath#gil brodie#why am i even tagging this. this is for me i am my own target audience im just sharing my vinegar caramel brownies w the neighbors#theyre helping me a lot. if yall only knew how much theyre helping me#andromeda is all about the way u react in fucked up new situations n whether or not to rope ur old ghosts into them#thats what i need a story abt rn. anothen win for the quirky salarian companion being a microcosm of the entire plot#just as mordins plotline was a microcosm of the eugenics theme of the reapers#the triangle of kallo the tempest and gil is a synecdoche of the entire journey. ive played like 17 hours of this game btw#hauntings. stress. confusion. olive branches. i love it.#theyre kind of everything to me. i understand theres prolly not gonna be that many interactions between them after that plotline but#ill take my crumbs and ill spew out smthn for my own tastes on that fuel
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i might've fucked up -.-
#idk what's wrong with me#god im so tired of being stressed all the time and im tired of it#just being fully my fault ugh why do i keep fucking up this entire uni thing#im just so stressed i freeze and i don't do the things i have to do i dont send documentation#i didnt sign up for ANY class yet because i just couldnt get myself to look at them and i think i fucked everything up and its going to#be a whole thing#idk i would just rather stay at home and do nothing but i cant so i gotta go#but i feel sick at the thought ugh#i dont feel any energy to do any assignments of even go to class already and im not even there im still at home#ughhhhhhhhhhhhh#im so tiredd i cant do this#i have to pack and i cant get myself to do it either#vent#sorry sorry sorry#i need to talk about it i cant talk to anyone here cause ill just get yelled at or something my fam doesnt get it it just makes me#feel worse ughhhh#idk if i should even go#i feel like im wasting people's time and money and my own sanity just to underachieve and feel like shit all the time but the one thing#that therapist told me was that i shouldn't drop out because it's gonna solidify my views that im constantly failing at everything so this#has been one of the main reasons im still trying idk maybe itll do something one day#but heyy if i keep at it maybe next month my uni will give me money so i can go to a psych appointment or something#tho tbh the more i think about it the worse i feel about THAT like yeah i feel like shit but i feel like if just was better and stronger an#less lazy i could do it all easily
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loom angst again sorry
>:( if that louet erica weren't 30cm it would be perfect. i could even go pick it up on the commuter rail line
is it stupid to buy a loom if i'm planning to replace it with the 50cm version of itself, possibly quite soon/as soon as i get frustrated with only making 9" wide fabric. i'd currently be getting a good deal on the loom + stand, but i'd have to resell the loom for pretty close to its original sale price in order to have meaningfully saved money on the accessories it comes with after buying a new one, & i really don't think that's realistic. so i'm going to go with "yes that is dumb" and may just buy a new loom at rhinebeck if no one's selling a table loom near here that i can get to and actually would want
#uuuugh i want. loom#the fact that it's not that good a deal if i don't really want the 30cm specifically is helping though. im coming to terms with it#catch me buying an 8 shaft 16" ashford for fucking $975 next week like 'this is a better decision actually!'#it even MIGHT be if i use it for a long time/it fulfills most of my loom desires. but also. yikes#this is even after scouring the guild secondhand listings yes. people mostly aren't selling table looms around here idk#if i had space for a floor loom and owned a car id be all set though.#box opener#theres also a used equip auction at rhinebeck w looms but i am very nervous about saddling myself with something broken/missing parts#and do not want an involuntary third hobby 'finding out how to repair a loom'#i kind of hate building things. i don't want loom repair homework#if youre wondering im feeling pretty chill and positive about everything else in my life#this isn't displacement about something else. im just really stressed out about dropping several hundred dollars on a loom#as a completely voluntary purchase i have no obligation to make.
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tw vent (mostly in tags)
Ah yes, the violent thoughts of revenge are back
#I straight up missed most of first period cause i was stuck daydreaming about killing him#My life was over before it began#he's the fucking reason i had to live in poverty instead of having a good happy childhood or some shit#theres so many things people take for granted#even middle class#i could have never been homeless (I am still greatful that this year i have a place to stay)#even then the place im at#they said we had to stay there for less than 6 months#6 fucking months#im feeling stressed the fuck out#but i really want to be optomistic#i want to be happy#but its getting hard as shit#especially knowing all the things i've missed out on#i dont want to overshare everything#especially online#but#im going to find him#and i swear on my life im going to kill him#and if i cant to that#i will ruin his life#i will publish his name#i will tell everyone everything about him#i will mention every fucking thing#he's hired a fucking investigor once on me and my fam#so it shouldnt be hard to do the same to him#so far i know his fb#and linkdin profile#and that was just me googling his name#i also know what university he goes in
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I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard
#i have to operate under the assumption that if people have an issue they will tell me but unfortunately this isnt true .#and it has happened to me in the past that i thought everything was ok because people were giving signals i wasnt picking up on#due to the autism so now im paranoid and constantly looking for signs i did something wrong and people are mad#and then i find them where they arent there which perversely does more to ruin a friendship than almost anything else#like the constant Are you mad at me... so i try to force myself not to do that and just#try to again assume that people arent however. im so worried about being blindsided Also of course i naturally dont want to make people#upset so if i am doing something wrong i want to change my behavior. however the fact its nuanced like#where you have to only do that a little bit and then take people at their word most of the time#fucking sucks like you actually are required in relationships to read peoples unspoken signals but you cant do that Too much#and if you misinterpet them its bad... but you cant ask for feedback too much because thats bad too. IT DOES MY HEAD IN actually like#it makes it so hard for me to interact with people because im just worried All of the time . and i have to be constantly like#ok check the facts and adjust behavior. check the facts and adjust behavior. make sure the facts are facts and not jumping to conclusions.#ok how do i do that . ok when do i ask directly. also people dont always tell the truth when you Do ask directly .#and then this is why my whole life i have mostly kept to myself and im trying to stop doing that but its hard because talking to others is a#puzzle for me that stresses me out more than anything else. man this sucksssssss can i just BE NORMAL!!!!!!#i know like Everyone has this problem its a common issue with relationships Communication but it feels especislly difficult for me .i#like cant fathom how other people manage very large numbers of friendships like even being able to count my close friends#on one hand i feel like im barely managing everything and im letting everyone down constantly but again i think thatsnonly my perception/#worry and not even true. god
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probably gonna tell my work today im getting a new job
#idk if it’s the right choice or not#but considering how long ive been there it doesn’t feel right to bail out of nowhere#any advice on how to have the conversation?#i had a fantastic interview over the weekend#and i have a trial shift on Saturday#should i wait until after that???#or should i say it now???#the place im at now is a very busy clinic and i do fucking everything there#like genuinely they’re screwed without me#but they literally worked me until i had a mental breakdown#im stressed as hell about the whole situation
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