#i dont want to overshare everything
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tw vent (mostly in tags)
Ah yes, the violent thoughts of revenge are back
#I straight up missed most of first period cause i was stuck daydreaming about killing him#My life was over before it began#he's the fucking reason i had to live in poverty instead of having a good happy childhood or some shit#theres so many things people take for granted#even middle class#i could have never been homeless (I am still greatful that this year i have a place to stay)#even then the place im at#they said we had to stay there for less than 6 months#6 fucking months#im feeling stressed the fuck out#but i really want to be optomistic#i want to be happy#but its getting hard as shit#especially knowing all the things i've missed out on#i dont want to overshare everything#especially online#but#im going to find him#and i swear on my life im going to kill him#and if i cant to that#i will ruin his life#i will publish his name#i will tell everyone everything about him#i will mention every fucking thing#he's hired a fucking investigor once on me and my fam#so it shouldnt be hard to do the same to him#so far i know his fb#and linkdin profile#and that was just me googling his name#i also know what university he goes in
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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anyone else up feeling utterly overwhelmed or nah
#not to overshare on the internet but.#idk there's just So Much to untangle and So Many mental habits to break and it feels impossible. how can i undo 20 years of this.#like yeah ive already made some progress just in the last few years but thats just the very tip of the proverbial iceberg!!!!#every single day i find something else buried deep that i have to try and root out!!!!!!!!!!! literally every day!!!!!!!!!!!#im just. hrghhgh#i dont want to be fighting this for the rest of my life man. im so tired.#i think. the worst thing about this is. it feels like they still have a hold on me.#which is genuinely the most bone-chilling horrifying thought i have ever had.#i DONT regret leaving but man. if i fall back in. because everything familiar is there. i dont think i could rip myself away again.#because leaving the first time was hard enough. i don't think im strong enough to do it again.#genuinely terrifying. i hate living like this#getting the fuck out of this state canNOT happen soon enough. i swear to god#winter speaks#personal#<- sorry its very late at night <///3 im getting introspective and feeling frustrated
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#im such a private person irl and for what like what purpose does this serve#all it does is distance me from people and keep me from making deep deep connections i know that very well#its just the act of opening up and being vulnerable especially when people aren’t groveling for me to open up is so unimaginable and#horrible#why do i do this like why i rlly dont want to share anything abt myself i just wanna know everything abt everyone while not sharing#anything abt myself#and then at the same time i am feel deeply disconnected and not understood and not known by anyone in my life except my mom#which im grateful for at least i have her but why cant i be that same way with friends i have literally had for 20+ years#i know i have to open up unprompted like without someone begging me to do so or its just gonna get worse and worse#but at the same time if there is this friend and shes curious idk theres just a million different things running through my head and im#just not ever a 100% honest or genuine with them#i guess in a way i also want to be seen in a certain light and as a certain someone and i do try to preserve an image of sorts even though#thats ridiculous to do with your fucking friends idk i guess im pretentious as shit?#i dont even know anymore#more than anything its like often when i share sth that was hard for me to open up abt i feel like ppl dont treat that with care or at#least havent in the past#and i rlly rlly hated that a lot and just i dont know#i told my mom some of the things my friends have said to me which has upset me and she was it sounds like they dont know you at all#and then she said but can i tell you that this is your own fault#and im like. i know. whag are they supposed to do#idk why am i like this what purpose does this serve omg id love to spend a day as an oversharer irl just to get a glimpse of what its like#i know this sounds odd bcs me online is just pure word vomit but thats probably also overcompensation cause i dont share these things with#my friends aka the ppl who i should actually be talking to#anyways
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idk man i dont feel the need to always message my friends and always go out with friends like if it happens it happens i like the spontaneity of it all. i don't think i'm a bad friend for not being up someone's ass all the time. i can spend months not talking to someone but if i see them on the street i'll go up to hug and talk to them bc for me it's never that deep to spend a long period not contacting someone. plus now all friends i made irl are at completely different point in their lives and i'm still at the same place i was in like 2019 so i do feel like i'm not "supposed" to be bothering them (wrong of me to assume im bothering i know but all i do is wait for most of them to do the first move). and nowadays all everyone posts about is you're not a real friend if you dont answer my msgs 1 second later you're not a real friend if you don't go to parties 8 days a week with someone you met in the public bathroom a thousand years ago you're not a real friend if you don't go to therapy and stop bothering your friends about your illness like omg. i'll talk to people i like i'll hang out whenever it works and i'll message you back and i won't mention my depression and i'll act normal in public but i honestly can't wait to go back home and be alone. i love you so much and me not talking to you doesn't mean i like you less or that i don't want to be your friend it just means i want some time out to be on my own lol
#like im quiet with ppl i dont know but i used to talk about anything with my friends irl and now i cant bc#apparently all of them hate people who share their thoughts too much and like ok i can be quiet with you too i dont mind spending time in#silence i actually like that better.#n now theres this 'get away from ppl who are too negative or too oversharing or too trauma dumpy or too weird bc their bad energy is pushing#you back' thing like.....???????????????????????#sure im defensive bc i Am that guy but i understand that can be annoying#however its just crazy that like for me at least being around my friends feels like im performing the same way it feels when im with a#stranger#bc they just want to surround themselves with this idea that Everything has to be perfect all the time and you cant feel anything#or you'll ruin the vibe#like HELPPPPPPPPPPP. fellow depressed oomf-chan let's do euthanausia together#its not like i want to be depressed all the time its i cant help it being that way and i will try my best to not ruin my friend's day ofc#& also i would never not hang out with my friends that are going thru a bad time bc of 'bad vibes' or 'bc i dnt need that in my life rn'#222
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also why have we as a society not figured out a way to just stop periods. with no side effects or other issues. just get rid of it. who tf needs that.
#sorry im oversharing tonite I GUESS#i dont wanna be on birth control anymore cuz i have been since i was 14#but a year off it fucked my shit up SO bad im scared to try again#kinda need to be on it for the suspected pcos shit like my period was sooooo irregular that year#everything SO fucked up#but also the pill only fixes the periods didnt help anything else#and i dont wanns be on the pill anymore cuz like. cancer risk and blood clots and i dont want More woman hormone in me :(#but also periods ruin a week of my life every month i cant fucking TAKE IT ANYMORE n the only way to stop it would be to stay on the pill#but i dont wanna. makes me dysphoric#but then periods make me dysphoric and put in sensory hell#GET ME OUT OF HEREEEEEEEEE I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE THERE IS NO SOLUTION IM TRAPPED IN HERE#👹👹👹👹👹👹👹#x
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on one hand. it's deeply funny how whenever I'm in a new situation/I'm busy my bodies just like yeah we don't need food right it's fineee and then I barely eat because I forget to/don't feel like it. on the other hand I would really like to. yk. try more Japanese food while I'm here? like cmon man work with me here
#its like#im not not eating yk#ive been living off seven eleven sandwiches and onigiri#and a shit ton of drinks while I'm out#i think its a combo of like#a. me kinda shifting into the same mindset i get at cons where its just go go go make the most of it do everything you can eat and feel like#shit when you get home#b. food expensive. not that expensive but it feels like a cost yk#c. shit ton of unfamiliar food and again. dont want to waste money on something i wont like. my ass is bad with certain textures and tastes#i feel bad getting boring western food bc migjt as well try something new while im here right but also all the new stuff scares me#d. going anywhere that isnt a self serve conbini/fast food place is uh. terrifying? idk.how to do that#e. i just forget food is a thing i need#idk im bad with food in general#hashtag autism thingss#but i think theres just a lot of compounding factors that lead to more stress around this#(new country so new things so i dont know if ill like them but i need to try them while im here bc i migjt never get to again and then ill#regret it forever but idk how but i cant just keep going to the same two or three places but going anywhere else takes forever ajd feels#like a waste of time but-)#so my brain just kinda goes. lmaao yeah no and then avoids thinking abt it?#or maybe im just overthinking it who fuckin knows#probably overthinking. and oversharing#lol. lmao even#idk im not really a huge food person anyway? still seems like a waste ig#drinks are fucking incredible tho#and hey im getting hydrated while im walkong aroind thats more than i usually get#imngonna. shut up jow#me.txt
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Sorry for not being able to make good art anymore
#i’m at a loss#Don’t read tw mental struggles#everything is falling apart#i hate my art#my life is falling apart#i’m falling apart#everyone is so fucking talented and i’m just so average that i want to cry my eyes out#everything feels bad#imm so fucking lonely#this is oversharing#dont worry about me
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"media is open to multiple interpretations" yeah but if I don't get my specific interpretation right (in the eyes of others) in my fanfiction I will be struck down by god.....
#i dont want to look silly.#im carefree about everything until its art or writing#thats like bearing yojr soul#gotta do it gently#or at least kn a way i don't mind bejng perceived#man i just want people to think that i have deeper thoughts and the capability to understand things#pretty sure the english education system mildly traumatised me about being wrong now i rarely share anythinf deeper than “im sad”#healthy emotional vulnerability for thee but not for me thank you!!!#maybe im just sensitive and terrified of rejection#i think jts gettinf better i guess i wouldn't be oversharing via tumblr tags if it wasnt??#this feels less intense than writing fanfiction and posting it online somehow#bue waffling
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huh.
#eli.txt#idk i think ive been slowly forgiving my sister for how deeply hurt i felt when she moved out bc now I Get It. like I Get It#when she moved out i was. 9. and in my head i thought she had left because of me. because i wasnt the easiest kid in the world and i know-#-she had a hard time dealing with me when we were alone. we're so far apart in age we couldnt connect for most of my life. and in my head#that was the reason she left home. bc of me. bc she was tired of *me.*#i know now thats not true. and i understand now why she had to leave because if she felt the way im feeling then goddamn im glad she got ou#this feeling SUCKS. nd like#yeah this probably has to do with my father's daughter and the fact that she refused to even meet me until our dad died.#it took my dad dying for my sister to even be in the same room as me. that really messed with me as a kid. like it REALLY did.#so when my sister left home i just kinda went. oh okay neither of my sisters want anything to do with me! i will be alone forever! got it!#AND I KNOW NOW THATS NOT TRUE ON EITHER OF THEIR ENDS. I DONT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP W MY DADS DAUGHTER AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL#BUT I DONT HOLD ANYTHING AGAINST HER ANYMORE BC GOD HER MOTHER WAS AWFUL AND I GET WHY SHE DIDNT WANT TO MEET ME BC OF EVERYTHING#BUT LIKE. THAT MESSED ME UP AND I JUST STRAIGHT UP ASSUMED BOTH MY SISTERS HATED ME FOR SO LONG.#AND NOW THAT I ALSO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO LEAVE I CAN SEE SO CLEARLY. MY SISTER NEVER HATED ME I WAS NEVER THE REASON SHE LEFT.#I CAN LET GO OF HOW HURT I FELT BECAUSE I ALSO NEED TO LEAVE#god i dont wanna hurt my mom though.#dont think i could leave her completely alone in this apartment. i dont think i can do that.#anyway. hi tumblr did you like todays oversharing episode
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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post
Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight
#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine#and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao#am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now#I'm just questioning something about someone#sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in#i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again#it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much#maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now#i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something#i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore#okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight#mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red#alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages#(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)
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just had my dad admit to me that even though he's fully aware of how much his alcoholism hurts me and my mum and brother he refuses to quit drinking outright because he likes it. cool
#im so sick of this shit. cant wait to move out#his current method if youre interested is to only drink wine after dinner. so that hes not pissed drunk at the dinner table#note: he can still drink as much beer as he wants. and still drinks all that wine after dinner anyway. and has a success rate of very bad#this is harm reduction. apparently#AND he has the fucking gall to complain that we dont give him any positive reinforcement when he succeeds!! fuck offfff#i try to be graceful and forgiving. addiction recovery isnt linear. and at least he admits its an addiction now#and he has chronic back pain and childhood trauma and whatnot. but given that he has that back pain because he stormed out in a drunken huf#then shat himself wandered into the shower to clean off and then slipped and broke his ribs. i find it. a little hard. to be sympathetic.#the complete dismissal of the success stories from recovering alcoholics going teetotal as fucking AA propaganda also doesnt help. lol.#but yeah. point is: he values being allowed to drink more than he values us and keeping himself from hurting us#there you have it. in black and white#personal#delete later#apologies for oversharing. needed to get this all out#i gotta get the fuck outta here man. i feel numb to everything#anyhoo. if you read this far kudos. thanks for lookin out or whatever <3
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My reaction to this kinda says something about me. Maybe I should try to socialize in real life more.
#i should#i definitely should#everything is just harder when youre wildly immature compared to the average person#and tends to be easier online#this sounds like i dont have friends#I HAVE FRIENDS#i just do not talk to them nearly enough#god.#i dont want to leave tunblr tho. not at all#i like the people ive met on here so much#like.#i dont wanna be sappy but#do yall know how genuinely happier ive been because a few people have been nice to me on here lately??#i do not want to overshare but like. i am not always the happiest person. i have plenty of issues#and idk.. a lot of yall made some shitty days seem pretty good#so its not like.#i dont think its actually sad at all that i care about this so much#i think its a normal reaction#because if i really cant ever fully come back#i will probably feel worse again#i dlnt want to speak that into existence. like i said i have friends irl but#yknow. im not going to feel better when i dont have the thing made me so happy sometimes#sorry. i just. needed to ramble.#anyways the fact i did not break my gay ass sobriety streak because of this is INSANE because i felt terrible#still dont feel great obvi#but im not crying!!
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i love making things for my friends!! i love it when my friends enjoy the things i make them!!!!!
#ramblies#i just appreciate them all so much. its the little things- the pins ive made them on their bags‚ the art ive made them as icons on socials#maybe its not much to them but its everything to me to know that the little things ive spent a little time making are worn#like badges of honor. its so special to me.#like‚ generally now i just feel so valued. my relationships are natural and reciprocal.#its like... finally!! THIS is what ive been fucking missing this whole time!! this ease!!#i dont need to prove myself‚ to compensate‚ to ask for reminders that im valued. they show me all the time. i never have to ask.#i dont know what happened. i dont know what changed from high school to now. i became a better person‚ i met better people? both.#i dont care how long it lasts or if its not this good forever. im just happy to be here. i finally feel worthy of this‚ without question#ive only known them for a few months but its the most secure ive ever felt.#maybe im oversharing!! i dont know!! i cant tell them outright ill overwhelm them!! its my blog and i can overshare if i want to!!#i dont know. im just grateful.#in other news i cleaned up my room a bit too‚ did lots of housework. always feels really cleansing.#after a stressful day yesterday this is what ive needed. a self care day. i have a lot of stuff to do but... it can wait while i rest lol#idk its just. so special to feel like i finally dont have to be the ''best'' or whatever to be loved. im loved as i am.#no arbitrary comparisons. its not conditional. i dont need to compete‚ i always feel like theres room. i hope we all thrive.
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#not to overshare on the oversharing webbed site#but i can tell im about to get my period bc absolutely everything is making me cry#i just rewatched we bought a zoo and the clip of the wife at the end had me bawling#im writing angsty oneshots for sasori week and even though i dont even consider it sad by my standards im tearing up just thinking about it#like to me none of what i write is particularly sad! and yet thinking of my blorbos being upset has me sobbing like my husband left for war#someone give me a hysterectomy i dont want to do this anymore#personal
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THEYRE LIKE my two favorite sibling tropes in one. for extra damage. siblings with 10+ year age gap so its kind of a third parent situation AND siblings who try to kill eachother….my brain is going haywire. is siblings who try to kill eachother established enough to be a trope ? it is to me. i love when things are incredibly fucked up. love is there because it cant not be because theyre a part of you but also you kind of kill eachother ! uh oh !
#i feel kind of exposed sharing this ! now all of tumblr knows my deal !#well 10% of my deal.#anyways loved in the silm when they tried to kill eachother!#ok i feel the need to clarify b4 someone assumes stuff from reading this and also bc i feel like oversharing a bit tonight#im not fantasizing about comitting violence towards family members. its just interesting and fun to see something in media that is#personally relatable to me blablabla trauma#this already feels like too much! i think i needed to share just a little bit bc i started talking about All That to friends two weeks ago#but we got interrupted and i never got to tell them even thiugh they asked and i was getting ready to relay if and now everythings ON THE#SURFACE!!!!!!!!#and i dont have a way to get it outttt#but also kinda glad we were interrupted bc i was starting to feel dizzy . win for me in that way#ach the overshare. will delete this in a bit just want to vomit it all up#i say >it all< like i revealed anything big instead of just vaguely alluding to things#sorry that already feels like too much to me…..
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