#i dont want to overshare everything
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tw vent (mostly in tags)
Ah yes, the violent thoughts of revenge are back
#I straight up missed most of first period cause i was stuck daydreaming about killing him#My life was over before it began#he's the fucking reason i had to live in poverty instead of having a good happy childhood or some shit#theres so many things people take for granted#even middle class#i could have never been homeless (I am still greatful that this year i have a place to stay)#even then the place im at#they said we had to stay there for less than 6 months#6 fucking months#im feeling stressed the fuck out#but i really want to be optomistic#i want to be happy#but its getting hard as shit#especially knowing all the things i've missed out on#i dont want to overshare everything#especially online#but#im going to find him#and i swear on my life im going to kill him#and if i cant to that#i will ruin his life#i will publish his name#i will tell everyone everything about him#i will mention every fucking thing#he's hired a fucking investigor once on me and my fam#so it shouldnt be hard to do the same to him#so far i know his fb#and linkdin profile#and that was just me googling his name#i also know what university he goes in
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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anyone else up feeling utterly overwhelmed or nah
#not to overshare on the internet but.#idk there's just So Much to untangle and So Many mental habits to break and it feels impossible. how can i undo 20 years of this.#like yeah ive already made some progress just in the last few years but thats just the very tip of the proverbial iceberg!!!!#every single day i find something else buried deep that i have to try and root out!!!!!!!!!!! literally every day!!!!!!!!!!!#im just. hrghhgh#i dont want to be fighting this for the rest of my life man. im so tired.#i think. the worst thing about this is. it feels like they still have a hold on me.#which is genuinely the most bone-chilling horrifying thought i have ever had.#i DONT regret leaving but man. if i fall back in. because everything familiar is there. i dont think i could rip myself away again.#because leaving the first time was hard enough. i don't think im strong enough to do it again.#genuinely terrifying. i hate living like this#getting the fuck out of this state canNOT happen soon enough. i swear to god#winter speaks#personal#<- sorry its very late at night <///3 im getting introspective and feeling frustrated
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in the sense that writing fics are kind of more fun when they're like essays where you gather external references and find a cohesive theme that actually tries to say something
#going to dramatically overshare#in the sense that like timeloop was about being stuck and feeling unable to change who you are for fear of losing people#and that robo au was about relationships and being online and the drama of picking yourself at the cost of everything else#and that literally anything I've written is just me figuring stuff out or wanting to put an experience im having into words#and then making karolina deal with it . sorry girl#theres nothing wrong with doing it just to like . see what you want ?#but personally i start to go fucking nuts and get really lost if i dont have something I want to share or say
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#im such a private person irl and for what like what purpose does this serve#all it does is distance me from people and keep me from making deep deep connections i know that very well#its just the act of opening up and being vulnerable especially when people aren’t groveling for me to open up is so unimaginable and#horrible#why do i do this like why i rlly dont want to share anything abt myself i just wanna know everything abt everyone while not sharing#anything abt myself#and then at the same time i am feel deeply disconnected and not understood and not known by anyone in my life except my mom#which im grateful for at least i have her but why cant i be that same way with friends i have literally had for 20+ years#i know i have to open up unprompted like without someone begging me to do so or its just gonna get worse and worse#but at the same time if there is this friend and shes curious idk theres just a million different things running through my head and im#just not ever a 100% honest or genuine with them#i guess in a way i also want to be seen in a certain light and as a certain someone and i do try to preserve an image of sorts even though#thats ridiculous to do with your fucking friends idk i guess im pretentious as shit?#i dont even know anymore#more than anything its like often when i share sth that was hard for me to open up abt i feel like ppl dont treat that with care or at#least havent in the past#and i rlly rlly hated that a lot and just i dont know#i told my mom some of the things my friends have said to me which has upset me and she was it sounds like they dont know you at all#and then she said but can i tell you that this is your own fault#and im like. i know. whag are they supposed to do#idk why am i like this what purpose does this serve omg id love to spend a day as an oversharer irl just to get a glimpse of what its like#i know this sounds odd bcs me online is just pure word vomit but thats probably also overcompensation cause i dont share these things with#my friends aka the ppl who i should actually be talking to#anyways
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on one hand. it's deeply funny how whenever I'm in a new situation/I'm busy my bodies just like yeah we don't need food right it's fineee and then I barely eat because I forget to/don't feel like it. on the other hand I would really like to. yk. try more Japanese food while I'm here? like cmon man work with me here
#its like#im not not eating yk#ive been living off seven eleven sandwiches and onigiri#and a shit ton of drinks while I'm out#i think its a combo of like#a. me kinda shifting into the same mindset i get at cons where its just go go go make the most of it do everything you can eat and feel like#shit when you get home#b. food expensive. not that expensive but it feels like a cost yk#c. shit ton of unfamiliar food and again. dont want to waste money on something i wont like. my ass is bad with certain textures and tastes#i feel bad getting boring western food bc migjt as well try something new while im here right but also all the new stuff scares me#d. going anywhere that isnt a self serve conbini/fast food place is uh. terrifying? idk.how to do that#e. i just forget food is a thing i need#idk im bad with food in general#hashtag autism thingss#but i think theres just a lot of compounding factors that lead to more stress around this#(new country so new things so i dont know if ill like them but i need to try them while im here bc i migjt never get to again and then ill#regret it forever but idk how but i cant just keep going to the same two or three places but going anywhere else takes forever ajd feels#like a waste of time but-)#so my brain just kinda goes. lmaao yeah no and then avoids thinking abt it?#or maybe im just overthinking it who fuckin knows#probably overthinking. and oversharing#lol. lmao even#idk im not really a huge food person anyway? still seems like a waste ig#drinks are fucking incredible tho#and hey im getting hydrated while im walkong aroind thats more than i usually get#imngonna. shut up jow#me.txt
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Sorry for not being able to make good art anymore
#i’m at a loss#Don’t read tw mental struggles#everything is falling apart#i hate my art#my life is falling apart#i’m falling apart#everyone is so fucking talented and i’m just so average that i want to cry my eyes out#everything feels bad#imm so fucking lonely#this is oversharing#dont worry about me
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"media is open to multiple interpretations" yeah but if I don't get my specific interpretation right (in the eyes of others) in my fanfiction I will be struck down by god.....
#i dont want to look silly.#im carefree about everything until its art or writing#thats like bearing yojr soul#gotta do it gently#or at least kn a way i don't mind bejng perceived#man i just want people to think that i have deeper thoughts and the capability to understand things#pretty sure the english education system mildly traumatised me about being wrong now i rarely share anythinf deeper than “im sad”#healthy emotional vulnerability for thee but not for me thank you!!!#maybe im just sensitive and terrified of rejection#i think jts gettinf better i guess i wouldn't be oversharing via tumblr tags if it wasnt??#this feels less intense than writing fanfiction and posting it online somehow#bue waffling
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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post
Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight
#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine#and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao#am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now#I'm just questioning something about someone#sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in#i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again#it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much#maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now#i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something#i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore#okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight#mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red#alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages#(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)
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just had my dad admit to me that even though he's fully aware of how much his alcoholism hurts me and my mum and brother he refuses to quit drinking outright because he likes it. cool
#im so sick of this shit. cant wait to move out#his current method if youre interested is to only drink wine after dinner. so that hes not pissed drunk at the dinner table#note: he can still drink as much beer as he wants. and still drinks all that wine after dinner anyway. and has a success rate of very bad#this is harm reduction. apparently#AND he has the fucking gall to complain that we dont give him any positive reinforcement when he succeeds!! fuck offfff#i try to be graceful and forgiving. addiction recovery isnt linear. and at least he admits its an addiction now#and he has chronic back pain and childhood trauma and whatnot. but given that he has that back pain because he stormed out in a drunken huf#then shat himself wandered into the shower to clean off and then slipped and broke his ribs. i find it. a little hard. to be sympathetic.#the complete dismissal of the success stories from recovering alcoholics going teetotal as fucking AA propaganda also doesnt help. lol.#but yeah. point is: he values being allowed to drink more than he values us and keeping himself from hurting us#there you have it. in black and white#personal#delete later#apologies for oversharing. needed to get this all out#i gotta get the fuck outta here man. i feel numb to everything#anyhoo. if you read this far kudos. thanks for lookin out or whatever <3
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My reaction to this kinda says something about me. Maybe I should try to socialize in real life more.
#i should#i definitely should#everything is just harder when youre wildly immature compared to the average person#and tends to be easier online#this sounds like i dont have friends#I HAVE FRIENDS#i just do not talk to them nearly enough#god.#i dont want to leave tunblr tho. not at all#i like the people ive met on here so much#like.#i dont wanna be sappy but#do yall know how genuinely happier ive been because a few people have been nice to me on here lately??#i do not want to overshare but like. i am not always the happiest person. i have plenty of issues#and idk.. a lot of yall made some shitty days seem pretty good#so its not like.#i dont think its actually sad at all that i care about this so much#i think its a normal reaction#because if i really cant ever fully come back#i will probably feel worse again#i dlnt want to speak that into existence. like i said i have friends irl but#yknow. im not going to feel better when i dont have the thing made me so happy sometimes#sorry. i just. needed to ramble.#anyways the fact i did not break my gay ass sobriety streak because of this is INSANE because i felt terrible#still dont feel great obvi#but im not crying!!
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yall ever cry from how lonely you are? :(
#personal#been doing that more and more often lately#i also feel like im oversharing in the tags of other posts even more than i usually have#but i. dont have much people to talk to#or at least. i dont know how to talk to people. not naturally or without putting my brain into overdrive#maybe the autism's to blame but being a good conversationalist and someone that seems human to other humans is not a natural habit for me#and ive been trying!! ive been trying all my fucking life to give off the right vibes - whatever the fuck that means -#and to not seem like an alien and to just have whatever -it- is that everyone else has#but i feel like no matter what i do I'll always just feel like people are looking at me like im from the uncanny valley#it's like i have to learn to be human academically and every time i have human interaction to anyone outside of my immediate family is#like being given a test#why cant things be natural for me!! why do i have to learn things academically!!#im so tired of tests!! and i feel like at this point i should just /know/ how this goes#and not need to pull up human interaction information in my brain!! it should be hardwired in!!!#im tired!! im so fucking tired!! but im so lonely!!#but im fucking exhausted!!!#and i can be good at the human interaction but it's not natural for me!!#i dont wanna just be good at it!! i want it to be easy!!#i want all the practice ive put in to be fucking innate by now!!#i am burnt out on everything!!!#i am always trying my best but it is never good enough!!!
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oh my god. hholy fuck. work sucks. WORK SUCKS
#and i haaaave 2 more hours#if we actually get out of here at 9:30 and closing doesnt take forever because of a fuckup on register lol. lmao#i texted my mommy asking her to wait up for me bcs i . holy fuck. AUGHHHH. i dont want to overshare on social media and i have not processe#everything that has happened today yet. whgtever#im fine. im good#cowboy posts
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ill be like I can totally make a lighthearted post mentioning a kink i have and i wont even freak abt it. and then i freak abt it
#its not even one of the ones i normally freak abt. fml. fml. its spreading. eventually i wont even be able to say Strals exist without going#into system shutdown or something. this sucks#this is also why i have so much trouble posting on my nsft is ill go over there and be like. Id love to **** some ***** and then i get#terrified. so i dont#my pfp over there is literally. **** ******* ** * *** but i go over there to post abt how i want to **** * *** and im like that is deviant#i cannot be saying that in front of my followers. who dollowed my nsft blog. where i list the things im into . and my pfo is * **** *******#** * *** so its not like theyd be HORRIFIED if that came up#but idk... i worry ppl dont read my dni over there. bc usually they just follow me after seeing that one post which doesnt rly mention any#of the ones im weird abt. except for like kind of it does but whatever its fine i cannottt freak out abt that post its existed for like.#months now. sigh. its all just a bit embarassing which sucks#“mdni”#IN A MASSIVE WAY. idr if any minors still r here if im still muts with any....#its just like. IDK i either feel a bit silly posting on it and its just mildly embarass Or i send myself into hysterics over how im an evil#person bc i like. well i cant say. obviously. but yk. stufffff. that i am into. I HATE TALKING ABT IT BC IT MAKES ME SOUND LIKE AN EVIL#PERSON AND LIKE. its not anything like. UGH. im not into kids or animals 👍👍👍 obviously. and idt its that bad the things im into some of#them r like basically baby shit like ohhh woww youre into *********** and yet even that i cant talk abt it bc im like um im going to be#smited by god and sent to hell or soemthing and actually i only thing its normal bc im a disgusting weird freak and everybody would kill me#immediately if they knew also im an evil person? its like. UGHHHH.#and the other stuff is. less 'mainstream' which is even scarier but ig in a way ive been More open abt it which is kind of funny. looks at.#but even then i dont rly go in detail bc yk. Stuff. im just like lol they r the way they r bc of how i am. and then i walk away forever#idk. ive been feeling so guilty over that specifically like. UGH. its not like. ugh. i rly cant talk abt it without it being obvious and im#scared byt im also like Compelled to talk abt it so ppl dont think its worse but im also compelled not to bc thats like oversharing i guess#as if thta isnt All i do on this fuckass blog. no matter what i do i lose. i hate my brain so badly i wish i could judt get over it and jus#be like yep these r the things and not have to like over clarify and explain and disclaimer everything and stuff . idk. it suck#mdni#the quotes didnt take it to the top like they used to. kms
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>:'(
#hello and welcome back to necalli oversharing in the tags#on todays menu is an assortment of rage annoyance and anger seasoned with stress and exhaustion#im working a double today mainly bc i didn't want my coworkers to completely suffer but man fuck em atp#its been too fuckin busy to do anything and everything is gone to shit; the one bitch we all want gone is at drive thru—#and shes fucking screaming into the damn intercom and making shit up im so serious man im Done™#and now im stuck here until fuckin 9:30pm or maybe even 10 bc we're fuckin behind and then it's just gonna be me and a pharmacist#fuckin passes away bro this shit is rough and i definitely did not get enough sleep for this#im big mad#n e ways yeah thats my day so far hopefully i dont fuckin pass out lmfao
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I will read more books i promise though i cannot say if id talk as much as i do this.
#Many a media i will enjoy but not do all. This with#Im not sure if i can have more than one major one at a time but we shall see.#Floyd.txt#Im trying to get thru what i have...at the moment....#I do think the length of it fueled it a bit. A little. We spend so much time with this freak and see so much into his mind#And he intrigues and fascinates me so so much psychological stuff is so ohh ohhh ohh god#I could talk on everything that was so from the isolation and the the fucking whatever whatever#I have to wonder whats base level and what isnt i dont look around. Because i will see something stupid and talk about it too long.#Most of all hes so pathetic and sad and failguy and i see so much of my struggles in him i can't help but want to squeeze him tight like a#Teddy bearrrrr i wont overshare but man it was a little crazy to see some elements like WOAH okay. Cool. I understand him#Like no one fucking else. Thats a little unironic but i swear to god some stuff i could totally go oh yeah this is xyz and someone else wil#Just..ugh whatever IM SHUTTING UP NOW IM SHUTTING UP. THERES REASONS I WILL HAVE CERTAIN IDEAS ABOUT HIM IM JUST SAYING. BUDDY...#So many reasons it makes me mad when people see him as a cold heartless monster but ultimately did you fucking read the book at all im seri#THE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT HE FELT NO GUILT OTL WHAT??? WHAT??? WHAT?????????#WHAT????
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