#maybe im just sensitive and terrified of rejection

[bueris]

"media is open to multiple interpretations" yeah but if I don't get my specific interpretation right (in the eyes of others) in my fanfiction I will be struck down by god.....

[lonelyalien369]

i feel like my mom is always mad at me (not always but anxiety is the exaggerator) and that's why i keep having dreams where we're fighting and i get very mad and im still mad at her when i wake up for some reason as if what she did in the dream was actually her fault. but idk. i never feel comfortable talking about my struggles with her and im not sure why. is it that im afraid of people in general thinking im begging for attention or something or am i afraid of her response specifically? my memory is so shit so i cant bring myself to a specific example but theres just this feeling in my head that if i get personal with her shes going to ridicule me for some reason. like maybe, i guess, i don't complain about work anymore because then she one ups me about how she works TWO jobs and i have sooo many days off and blah blah blah like okay man but youre physically abled and shit and im not. just because i dont have some horrible debilitating illness diagnosed doesn't mean im not fucking struggling through everyday. you dont know half the shit i go through every day because i stopped telling you a long ass time ago. i stopped when i was a teenager because no one ever believed me. why would i have reason to think anyone would now? i just get slapped with a "fibromyalgia" diagnosis and told to go home. hey, what about my balance problems? my lack off appetite and subsequent weight loss? my constant migraines? my daily pain? whatever man. she doesn't know any of it. i don't tell her. why would i ever think she would believe it? i dont know if im justified in thinking that, but im terrified of finding out, so i never do. i keep it all to myself like i always have. yep. it always works. im doing great. justt peachy. god, i feel like she barely knows me. does that make me terrible? i don't even want to talk to her anymore. i just want to silently slink off to my room for the night. i never know how to bring any of this shit up. my dad may have been explosive when it came to criticizing him, but my mom wasn't far fucking behind. and she likes to pretend they're so different. i guess i get it, i have rejection sensitive dysphoria, so even polite corrections feel like shots to the face, but i dont react by vehemently lashing out and stubbornly defending myself. i just shut up, shut down and leave to cry. but they get angry. and theyll insist they're right. and you can never ever change their mind about nearly anything. we don't talk about cops anymore. i try to stop my siblings from saying stuff like acab because i know shes going to get pissy and defensive about it. when they dont live with her they forget how sensitive she is. i used to be annoyed when theyd feel bad for me for still living with her. but fuck, i get it now. trying to build a long term relationship with her kind of just... hits this wall. you cant get vulnerable with her. it feels too uncomfortable. you feel like you're going to be judged, because you HAVE been. its not an unreasonable assumption. and its BROKEN us. where else am i going to go? i dont have a relationship, no friends to go to, and she's dependent on me too.

.... we're going to have to break the uncomfortable silence eventually. its only hard to talk if you don't try. if this keeps brewing, we're only going to drift apart. and then we'll just have a bunch of regrets...... i wonder if she thinks these things too. i wonder if she wants to be vulnerable, but doesn't want to put the burden on me. you cant exactly read other peoples minds. ..... i cant start tonight. but i.. i often find that i misread her emotional state. i tend to think shes upset with me when shes quiet . but most of the time shes just doing something and its fine. i always assume. fuck. i wish i just had a normal relationship with my parents. does anyone have that? that would be fucking nice.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it

i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.

i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways

maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting

im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently

i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want

in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary

but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared

i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk

[kumzume]

control ft. tsukishima kei

wc. 1.5k words (and it’s still ass??? a crime)

warnings. SMUT, bad writing lmao, blowjob, whiny kei, (male) masturbation, caught(??) masturbating if you squint, also abrupt ending, way too much exposition, not enough hornknee

an. writing this was like pulling teeth and it is BAD 😀 i am having a writing crisis & this is just the nail in the coffin LMAO anyways this is for @bokuhub (we talked abt it on my main blog but im so sorry ajdhks maybe i’ll write something better later <3)

kei hates feeling out of control.

it’s the reason he’s kept the same circle of friends for the past 5 years, same reason he hasn’t changed his favorite dessert order for even longer than that, and the same reason he is terrified to let you breach the wall between friends and more.

it isn’t that he doesn’t trust you—he does, with his life—but you make him feel things he’s never felt before. kei has had crushes before and he knows that this isn’t that. never in his life has he been so willing to try new things, to meet new people, to give up the control he so desperately needs and it scares him.

he’s scared to become vulnerable and open himself up to rejection or even worse, the loss of your friendship.

so, he ignores it. he pushes down his feelings of almost-but-not-fully-love for you in favor of being close to you.

the closeness, unfortunately, is also a major problem.

growing up, kei had very few friends and even fewer romantic prospects due to his callous attitude and piercing words. he’s only been kissed twice and both of those were with yamaguchi (they were thoroughly unenjoyable kisses, the both of them being 13 and never having kissed anyone else before) but he isn’t exactly ashamed of his status as an unexperienced adult virgin. it just doesn’t help his attraction to you in the slightest.

he realized early on in your “relationship” that you are very affectionate. tight hugs, forehead kisses, holding hands, and cuddling on the couch while watching movies were all normal things for you to initiate with kei on any given day. and on any given day, he would dart out of your hold with a blush on his face and a half assed excuse with a large hand covering his crotch.

he didn’t mean to get hard. it’s just, you were you, gorgeous, kind, and funny and when your soft, small hand (oh god, your hand is so much smaller than his; he wonders how it would look wrapped around his cock) finds its way in his, it’s like his body doesn’t know how to respond so it sends copious amounts of blood to his head and to his crotch.

it’s embarrassing and uncomfortable but you never seem to mind, giggling behind your hand as he darts off to fuck his fist in your bathroom for the third time this week.

this happens to be one of those times, all these thoughts clouding his mind as he stands hunched over your toilet, thrusting into the tight ring of his hand like his life depends on it. all you had done was laugh and he felt himself thicken in his boxers.

kei shakes his head, his blond strands sticking to the sweat on his forehead as he chases his high in the comfort of his hands. kei hates thinking of the way you affect him so easily, his touch-starved body craving you like an animal craves water. but he just can’t help it. thinking of you standing outside the bathroom, listening to his self pleasure and touching yourself or even better, waiting to burst in and look down on him in disgust. it’s that thought that pushes him over the edge, his whole body tensing as he paints rope after rope of cum on the porcelain seat.

kei quickly flushes the evidence of his crime down the toilet before going to wash his hands in your sink. he can hardly look at himself in the mirror, the guilt eating up his spine. is he really that desperate that he can’t hold off masturbating until he goes home? yes. the answer is yes.

he sighs and leaves the bathroom only to run right into you just outside the door. his heart rate picks up in his chest as you look him over with a sweet smile on your face, your eyes lingering on his flushed cheeks.

did you know what he had done? were you going to curse at him? kick him out? or—

“cmon kei, you were in there for forever! we need to study, stupid.” he releases the breath he didn’t know he was holding as he follows you into your bedroom, watching as you plop down on your bed and lie down on your back. your shirt rides up on your torso, giving tsukishima a good view of your soft skin and fuck, he feels himself getting hard again.

luckily, you don’t seem to notice his reaction, your eyes trained on your ceiling as a contemplative look crosses your face. “i heard you, yknow,” you say, your tone light but kei can hear an undercurrent of accusation in your words. he freezes, his golden eyes darting towards to door, calculating how much time it would take for him to bolt out the door and into his car to never see you again and—

“i didn’t mind it. your moans are pretty,” you continue, your eyes finally resting on the man in question who looks about ready to sink into the floor.

oh. oh.

kei can hardly think, let alone speak as you rise off your bed and make your way towards him, your eyes holding a glint of something he’s never seen from you before. it only takes a few strides before you’re right in front of him, gazing up into his frames through your lashes as though you’re the embarrassed one.

one of your (small) hands makes its way to hold his face and he feels like he might die, his heart is beating so fast. you give him a small sweet smile that is in direct contrast to your other hand trailing down his body to rest on his belt buckle.

if kei wasn’t hard before, he definitely is now.

you don’t move your hand from its place on his pants as your eyes focus on his bright pink face and plush bottom lip worrying in between his straight white teeth. he looks terrified and you find it in yourself to feel a little bit bad about what you’re about to do.

“kei honey?” all you get in response is a high whimper from the back of his throat and judging by the way his eyes widen and his cheeks burn even brighter, you figure that reaction wasn’t quite anticipated. you can’t help the grin that spreads across your face as your thumb reaches to pull his lip from in between his teeth, the appendage stroking over the soft, bitten skin there.

you don’t consider yourself easily surprised but when kei pulls your thumb into your mouth, sucking on it while gently laving his tongue around it, you feel your knees weaken as a wave of slick paints your underwear. “oh baby... you want me to ruin you, don’t you?”

oh fuck.

kei did want that, more than you could ever know but due to the finger in his mouth and his pounding heart, he found himself unable to answer with anything but a nearly imperceptible nod. thankfully, you saw it and are more than willing to give him what he wants.

carefully, you lead him to your bed, the hand on his belt tugging him until he’s lying back on your covers, gazing at you as though you’re the only person in the world. you feel your heart clench a little at the implications in his eyes but you quickly ignore it to focus on unbuckling his belt.

he’s hard and leaking through his boxers when you finally remove his pants, a quivering sigh leaving his mouth at the cold air hitting the dampness above his tip. when you manage to tear your eyes away from his big (holy shit, was he always that big??) cock and onto his face, the look he gives you has your clit throbbing.

“yn,” kei whines, high and breathy. “p-please touch me- ah, ah, fuck!” his words (and thoughts) are entirely cut off by the sensation of your warm, wet mouth engulfing his dick. he’s so big, you can only take him halfway but what you can’t take down your throat, you pump with your hand.

a litany of curses and moans slip from his lips as you pull up off of him to suck on the sensitive head before taking him all the way back to the hilt. one of his hands jerks to your head to grab a hold of your hair. “holy shit, i-i think i’m going to—yn-“

with only that as a warning, thick cum spills into your mouth, so much that you nearly choke before pulling off of him and stroking him through his orgasm. it takes him a moment to stop cumming, his chest heaving with the intensity of his high.

once you’re sure he’s done, you crawl up the bed until you’re lying next to kei, one of your hands finding it’s way into his hair. his eyes flutter shut at the gesture while he leans into your touch, not realizing how exhausted he is.

with a kiss to the forehead, kei falls asleep, entirely out of control and entirely in love.

[your-turn-to-role]

I was thinking about that scene in cr1 e94 where vex is meditating trying to connect to Pelor as part of the grey hunt and finding it really difficult and I think Matt even mentions Vex is someone who needs a lot of sensory input so I was wondering if you had any thoughts on Adhd vex

so im rewatching this scene now and oh man vex is, as ever, the biggest fucking mood

like she hadn’t been initially on my list of nd headcanons bc she doesn’t outwardly show it a lot but then i remember she’s the character in cr i relate to the most and i probably don’t outwardly show it a lot either, because fun thing about being a girl as well as neurodivergent is you get really good at hiding that shit! i can mimic a neurotypical person perfectly because i spent most of my childhood learning how to do that but goddamn is it fucking exhausting

but yeah, vax is very obviously adhd, so his twin definitely can be too!

adhd vex proof:

yes yes yes sensory input!! you’re right in that matt mentions it in this episode, she’s someone who needs a lot of external stimuli, she’s more drawn towards chaos than calm. which like, a lot of us can relate to, because when your brain is constantly working at a hundred miles an hour, the chaos makes you feel a lot more relaxed than the calm, where you’re always on edge. good trait for adventurers to have, honestly, which is probably a reason it’s less obvious in vex to begin with - she has that outlet for it. as much as she was really concerned with fitting in in syngorn, i imagine teenage her had a lot more of a problem staying still

defines herself a LOT by other people’s standards - this is both a trait of any kid who doesn’t fit in (which is true both bc adhd and because half elf), but also that rejection sensitivity makes it a very appealing thing to do - having people disapprove of you in any way, even mildly, makes it feel like the world just shattered in front of your eyes, so trying to make yourself what they want you to be is just the smart response

you know that thing, when you were a kid, and people used to use “you’ve got a big day tomorrow!” or “the quicker you go to sleep, the quicker you get to [exciting thing]” as motivation to sleep? or you saw people on tv experiencing that? and apparently for them it works?? whereas for you the only way to sleep is to not be excited about tomorrow, because your brain doesn’t process time the same way so you can’t process sleep as coming before the exciting thing, the exciting thing has to be Right Now and if we go to sleep we don’t do Exciting Thing and entire brain is focused on that thing now oh fuck looks like i accidentally stayed up until 4am

that’s the entire vibe i get from the sun tree scene

like vex manages to stay down there a really long time but only while actively trying to get a vision, and when that doesn’t work she switches tactics, she’s not thinking “eventually a vision will happen”, she’s thinking “how do i think hard enough that the vision happens now”

(and also how easily her mind wanders despite that)

when this doesn’t work she starts complaining to trinket how they’ve been down there for days (it’s been maybe 10 hours) and they’re going to be stuck there forever (she can leave whenever she wants, but she really cares about this thing so she’s not going to) and mood

i’ve mentioned this before, but vex... really does have a lot of empathy. and i don’t know if that’s more of an autistic thing or adhd thing bc there’s a lot of crossover and i don’t always remember which me things are which nd things but hyper empathy is a thing for at least one of them! and like, she does so much burying of it, because it’s a survival mechanism and she had a really rough childhood, she’s got about 500 emotional walls up at any given moment. but once you realise that she only really gets snippy and pretends like she doesn’t care in situations where she feels unsafe, she cares so much

fairly resistant to change? adhd isn’t as routine oriented as autism is, but big life changes are still things that can get completely overwhelming, and vex definitely doesn’t want to deal with those. a life on the road, that doesn’t count as change to her, that’s her routine, but settling down with percy? that’s terrifying

literally in this episode part of her internal monologue is “what are you gonna do, stay here??”, she loves percy, but she doesn’t want her adventuring life to change, because then she has to figure out how to navigate a new life (and honestly, that takes her a while, even in their epilogue they mention percy and vex still do the adventuring thing a lot, they never plan to retire, bc that’s life for them)

vax is the other big constant in her life that she needs to stay constant, she doesn’t want him to get into a relationship with keyleth bc she’s scared it’ll make things between them change, and even once she’s gotten over that, she ignores vax’s attempts to tell her he wants to move to zephrah several times, because she can’t really handle the idea that things might change between them that much, can’t deal with a life where he’s not living in the same place as her

as much as she does try to fit in, she also prefers to live in the forest and her best friend is a bear. tell me that’s not just a constant nd mood

[ven-finn]

I just thought , what dragon companions do you think Jack Rapunzel and Merida would have?

OKAY! SO ! im not very well-versed in the expansive dragon types in the HTTYD canon, especially bc there’s the books and then there’s the movies/shows and then there’s ALSO the games!  But I will be mostly basing this off of character rather than extensive dragon anatomy/levels/all that, so bare with me. 

tldr: Jack would have a Groncicle, Merida would companion a Triple Stryke, and Rapunzel would be great with Scuttleclaws. 

-Merida would love all things dragons, but would probably struggle on winning them over. I think she’d initially try to treat dragons the same way she treats Angus, but the schematics of riding a horse and a dragon are very clearly different and she’d can’t well just bribe them with extra servings of hay or the like. And Merida herself would make a challenge out of choosing a companion, probably with an entire ordeal about the biggest dragon she can find. She wants a scary, giant partner who can match her energy and free spirit!  And so I think that a Triple Stryke would be so perfect!! They’re characterized as being very headstrong, maybe a little overzealous types that are really hard to train and Merida would respect the shit out of that.  She would probably have a very different mindset from other dragon riders where she gives her companion more breathing room than is standard,, like,, she lets her Triple Stryke come to her on its own time and it doesn’t live with her or anything like that, because she thinks its important to embrace the wild nature of her dragon, she doesn’t want to snuff any part of its personality out! And that really works, because god are Triple Strykes not the dragons you should be trying to domesticate completely.  On top of all this, I think Merida would probably choose a name that the others would make fun of her for, just because it’s so....weirdly bland. Like, Merida has this giant scorpion nightmare of death and she takes one look at it and goes “Ah yes! Murray! Fine, strong Scottish name for a strong beast!” But like.....Murray?  Also, it gives something for her and Astrid to talk about/bond over, and I think their relationship would be very cute!

-Rapunzel would work well with a Scuttleclaws!! Like I’ve said before, I think she would have a really hard time getting over her initial fears that Gothel ingrained into her about scales and teeth and practically everything being terrifying, so she’d be very wary of dragons at first.  But she’s so sweet even when she’s terrified of things that I think, on the other side of things, a lot of dragons would instantly take a liking to Rapunzel: and this would be like a whole Situation(tm). Imagine a half-terrified Rapunzel running around with flocks of curious, harmless dragons running after her and Hiccup being like “girl no, stop, wait,-.” But!!! Scuttleclaws!!!!!! Even in their adult forms, they are just so hyperactive and doe-eyed that I think they’d be just ‘harmless’ enough to normalize dragons for Rapunzel. They’re so cute and friendly that Rapunzel would be able to get rid of her fears the more she played around with the babies, yknow? And I think that when she’s finally able to ride a dragon on her own without the help of Hiccup or Merida, she’d be the best there is at working alongside baby dragons. She just goes with the flow of their unpredictable little heads, and laughs off a lot of the things less patient dragon-riders would blow up over. She’d name her Scuttleclaw something overly cute and thoughtful. 

-And yeah, Rapunzel has her inner issues that make finding a dragon companion an ordeal, but I think Jack would have the *hardest* time finding a dragon who gets on with him, yknow? The dragons can see him, that’s not the issue, but I think sensory wise a lot of them would reject just how incredibly cold-to-the-touch Jack is. Especially the more sensitive, lizard-based dragons.(i know most of them aren’t that sensitive but shhh Jack is like below-zero at all times) I like to think that there were multiple occasions where he was thrown off trying to test compatibility, and he’s such a pissbaby about it. The others would be like “you can FLY” and he’d just be like “Yeah, but DRAGONS!” So, clearly, ice dragons are his best friend! I think usually when people are like “ah ice character goes with ice-themed thing” it can be a bit of a cop-out, but for Jack I think it makes sense that he’d naturally do really well with a Groncicle!!! They’re just giant snow puppies with freezing fire-breathe, and Jack would baby the shit out of his. And being he is the winter spirit, he’d be able to take his Groncicle on adventures outside of it’s typical habitat because he’s a perpetual cold environment, and can keep it cool if it overheats. Like!! look at these sweet little friends!!! There’s a balance! And for as much as Jack teases Merida and Rapunzel for what they’ve named their companions, I feel like he does exactly what Hiccup does and just finds an clear attribute to call his Groncicle, if not just a bunch of silly nicknames. Something like “Biggs” or “Ice Pop” !!!

[yellowsubiesdance]

I know v little about My Hero Academia or Dangarompa (Im on mobile spelling from memory sorry if its wrong) so how about your top 3 headcanons for your 2nd fav character in each, and your wildest, crack-ficiest headcanon (if you have one) Lots of love 💖💖💖

Thank you for this!!

For My Hero, my 2nd favorite character right now is Denki Kaminari, and I guess these are my top three headcanons for him:

1. He’s bisexual! I love my bisexual himbo rep

2. He’s genderfluid!! I can see him using any pronouns for himself, and he enjoys gendered terms

3. He’s got ADHD! And while he’s working in school to be a hero, on the side his special interest is art, especially sketching and pastels! He likes to get messy with his art too, so he’ll do fingerpainting too.

As for Danganronpa, my 2nd favorite character of the series is Kokichi Oma, so for him:

1. He’s a panromantic demisexual! He loves everyone, but it’s very difficult for him to form intimate relationships without a solid bond with the person.

2. He also has ADHD, and his rejection sensitivity dysphoria is so severe that his compulsive lying serves as a defense mechanism! He’s terrified of abandonment, so he uses his lying to keep everyone at arm’s length.

3. He LOVES when people give him nicknames! If you give this boy a nickname, he will do Anything for you. And it doesn’t matter the nickname, he just loves to have one.

I don’t think I have any crack-ficky headcanons for these fandoms, but uhh

Well maybe this is one, idk

But I like the thought of both Class 1-A in bnha, and all the classes in Danganronpa, being polycules. It just makes me happy lol

[doctorgerth]

Im so glad I qualify for this omg. My names Rowdy! I got a request a while back! Could I get an imagine for Killer please? (he was one of my four matches and i've been in a killer mood lately lmao) Maybe like... I'm just some newbie on the crew and he takes a liking to me ówò

Here I am...back with another confession scenario. Why am I so infatuated by these?? This one is a lil unresolved but it’s still fluffy as heck. Hope you like this darling! 💕

"Goddamnit, Killer. If you won’t tell her, then I'll do it for you!” 

Killer didn’t need to be unmasked in order for Kid to see the daggers he was shooting his way. They were more than felt, but Kid shrugged them off effortlessly as he took another swig of his whiskey. He should have known trying to get romantic advice from never-had-a-stable-relationship-in-his-life Kid would prove worthless. Now, he was even more confused and terrified than before, and this wasn’t like Killer, who was otherwise fearless in the face of adversities. Only you had this affect on him and he had half a mind to hate you for it, but of course that wasn’t possible. If anything, it only made him crazier for you.

“How do I tell her? I can’t just come out with it.” Killer wondered aloud and immediately wished he had kept his mouth shut. 

Kid scoffed in response, “And why the hell not? Way better than you whining to us about it. If a cat’s got your tongue, just get her alone, smack her ass, and give her a big ‘ol kiss. Works every time.” He took a finishing sip of his whiskey with confidence, a hitched nonexistent brow at everyone’s silence once swallowing the last drop, “What? That’s solid advice!”

“Why don’t you just make her something? You bake. Bake her some damn cookies or something. Anything other than Boss’s terrible advice that’s nothing but a restraining order waiting to happen. No offense.” Heat inquired from his seat at the table. Kid shook his head, pouring himself another drink and mumbling about how nobody listens to him under his breath. 

“That doesn’t sound too bad...” Killer muttered.

Kid scoffed in disbelief once more, visibly offended at Killer accepting Heat’s advice instead of his own, “Cookies? What are you gonna do, make them into little heart shapes with pink frosting and sprinkles? Rowdy and Killer 4ever?” 

Everyone at the table couldn’t help but laugh at that one and Killer blushed profusely, the red patches entirely visible as they crept up his neck, “I hate all of you.” 

With that, Killer left the group to head into the kitchen, raiding the pantry for ingredients. When he came across a packet of sprinkles his stomach twisted, both amused and suddenly nervous about the whole ordeal. What if you rejected him? You were a new member, so was it odd of him to fall for you so quickly? Would he scare you away? Shaking his anxious thoughts out of his head, he threw on his apron, and tied it around his waist as he began the baking process. 

Killer was washing dishes when you made your way into the kitchen. Your light footsteps were easily drowned out by the rushing water and Killer’s rigorous scrubbing of dishes from the night before. You made your way to his side with a shy greeting, “Hi, Killer.”

Your presence startled him and he dropped the dishes with a loud crash. When he realized it was you, his hands began to shake and he struggled to pick up the soapy bowl, embarrassing himself further with each passing second, “God damn fucking stupid ass butter fingers.” He was mumbling numerous curses under his breath and you immediately reached down to help him. His skin was ablaze the moment your hand connected with his while you helped him pick it up. Behind the mask, his eyes were locked on yours for a moment, a noticeable wave of electricity sparking between the two of you.

“Thanks, Rowdy...” He muttered as he rose from the floor, rinsing off the dish before placing it in the drying rack, “How are you?”

You rocked on the balls of your feet, twiddling your thumbs in an obviously nervous manner that Killer picked up on. You were usually a bit shy around everyone, especially considering you were a new member on the crew. It was one of the many traits he found endearing about you as it was a nice change compared to his rather brash friends, “I was wondering...would you...”

Killer was on the verge of explosion, waiting on the edge of his seat for your next words. Why were you blushing so hard? Didn’t you know how unbearbly cute you were when you did so? How unfair...

“You see...C-captain told me everything...and I was wondering if you would...maybe...” Suddenly, your head shot up as you sniffed in the air, “What’s that smell?”

Killer’s eyes shot wide as his senses finally returned and he could smell something unpleasant. Something was burning, “My cookies!” He rushed over to the oven with you in tow. In a frazzled state, he grabbed the tray without an oven mit and dropped it with a loud yelp as the heated pan burned his fingers. You screamed in response as you scurried to him, helping to direct him towards the sink so you could run cool water over his throbbing skin. He hissed as the water hit his sensitive finger tips, but nothing felt more intense than your gentle hands on his once more. He embraced your tenderness for as long as he could until the pain ceased. When he claimed to be fine, you two reached down to pick up the cookies from the floor, salvaging the ones that didn’t fall off the pan.

“Are these heart shaped?” You inquired with amusement, thinking the cookies looked rather delicious. But why heart shaped?

“I suppose...so anyway, what did Kid tell you?”

Your blush returned, matching Killer’s that you could hardly see except the patches on his neck. Killer wasn’t sure if he needed to prepare to murder Kid or thank Kid. The latter seemed impossible until you smiled warmly at him, “I’ll tell you after we go get that burn checked out.”

[chezforshire]

Since i literally cannot work on something without blabbing abt it im gonna ramble a bit abt the earth c kids au i have

Rn im doodlin rosemary and davekats kids. Idk yet who gets saddle with a child first but both couples go through dealing with the strilondes fear of becoming their guardians. Karks has his reservations too. Thinks he's too much of an asshole to really rear a kid and being a parent is like being a leader, sorta. Some loser wriggler hangs onto your every word and you try your best to guide em where they should go. Previous experiences have shown him to have failed in that regard so imagine his trepidation over having to do that for longer than a few weeks.

Kan's prolly the only one of em who has her head about with the whole child rearing business bc well she was hatched for this shit ya know

Anyway the kid rosemary has is a maryam descendant and rose just goes 'well, she's sorta ur kid genetically speaking and we're married so she's my kid too ig so... we should raise her????' And they do and she's sweet and smart and terrifying in that she keeps alluding to murdering you if you so much as look at her or her parents wrong. Her name is Astrea Maryam-Lalonde and she loves her moms a whole damn lot and she thinks theyre the absolute shit. She's fascinated with fashion as is the Maryam staple though she only cares abt her appearance if she's being seen by people outside of family. When she's at home she just wears ratty tshirts and shorts or sweatpants that have more than a few holes in it. This makes Kanaya sigh with exasperation and just say 'like mother like daughter' as Rose flops on the couch next to their daughter in clothes under the same state.

Dave loves the shit out of her ofc bc he's a great uncle but also bc she loves drawing a whole buncha shit. Most of the time she draws people so she could slap some sick as shit dresses she designes on them. Dave talks abt SBaHJ w her and she's just That sounds Highly Stupid where can I see it and so they spend an afternoon just talking abt it and she genuinely finds it funny and wonders more than once if one day she could make her own comic. Though hers, no offence to Dave, would be much more serious and plot heavy and maybe gay and has romance bc seriously she's a Maryam-Lalonde have you seen their library? And Dave encourages her abt it and has become her editor/soundboard/ whatever the fuck when she has ideas for stories and makes quick drawings abt it.

Im not set on how davekat gets their kid yet but it's an ectogoop hybrid of the two of them. His name is Kagang Vantas for now bc Dave still hasn't gotten around to marrying Karkat wc is fine bc it's not like it means much to either of them but he does playfully call him husband every now and then. Anyway, the little dude is a human/troll hybrid and don't ask me any questions abt that yet im working on it. He's a bit of a brat but is a nice kid. He's a little hard of hearing so he doesn't always notice his voice but that's fine bc Dirk teaches him sign and makes him some hearing aids that he asks to have customized to look sick as shit when he grows up. He's got a lotta energy and spends a lot of his time playing outside w John, Jade and Jake. He's really attentive too and picks up on tiny details rly fast which makes him pretty great at handling upset ppl. He rly likes music just like Dave and that spurs the god into buying even better acoustics every year so his son can feel the vibrations much better. Contrary to Dave, however, Kagang rly likes classical music mostly bc Rose spent a whole lot of time playing her violin for both him and Astrea. He picks up the instrument too when he grows up and Rose is all too happy teaching him.

Dirk is apprehensive arnd the kid given what he knows of who he can become w Dave but he truly deeply loves the kid. He's distant for a few years and Kagang inevitably thinks it's his fault bc Dave and Karkat are both vry rejection-sensitive people and sadly that got passed down to the kid but dw it takes one to know one so the dads know how to get him through it. Dave talks abt it w Dirk and Dirk is floored bc jesus i was trying to make sure the kid wouldn't feel bad arnd me and fuck whatever i do its just a fuck up huh and Dave just shooshes him and goes bro dude dirkles it's fine you can still work on it. Now u know what's up and why u can work to make a better relationship. I know u love the shit outta my little dude but sometimes that ain't enough. Ya gotta show it through words and actions now come on let's hang out w Kagang and u can slowly mend that bridge. And he does and fuck he /can/ be a good person, these past few years has thought him that, and by fuck will he make sure that his nephew knows that he loves him and cares for him and thinks he's the shit

One can say Kagang and Astrea have a moirailgance but it's a lot more like siblingship rly. They poke fun at each other, mess w each other, would hide a body for the other all that shit. It's a lot like Dave and Rose but w a lot less layers of cool and aloofness to hide the fact that Dork+Dork equals Mega Dork.

[merrysithmas]

Hello, I’m rereading the goldfinch and it feels like the reunion of Boris and Theo was a bit warmer in the film? Like Boris was not that impressed when Theo told him that he studied Russian, then Boris said that basically he wanted to have fun, they needed girls and ‘i think maybe you thought it was something else’ Boris is like a professional gaslighter my god hah

i feel like a LOT of Boris/Theo's reactions have to be inferred by the reader (and there is enough evidence to do so) because the story is told in the first person by Theo. so watching the movie we get to see what Boris actually did according to AB's interpretation, not just what Theo tells us happened which is awesome and fascinating.

Theo sees Boris as cooler than him, calmer than him, wily, never afraid -- but alongside that in reality it is obvious Boris desperately missed Theo, was willing to give up his own safety, his own freedom, risk his own gang to retrieve the painting, came all the way to NY in a mad bid to stop Theo's engagement and if he couldn't, at least profusely apologize for stealing the painting and alert Theo that he finally found a way to get it back (a plan he must have been obsessively creating for years) all to give his soul amnesty for damning the ONE PERSON HE EVER LOVED so he could try to crawl forward and move on even without the love of his life if Theo married Kitsey. Contextually Boris was legit desperate and AB does a great job of capturing that from Boris' perspective, not Theo's as in the novel.

Boris pretends they met by accident on the street (his gang or he himself was obv following Theo and he LITERALLY RUNS to meet him after having to be sidetracked to do some business dealings with Myriam), pretends he has a hetero cover-family (an elaborate lie Theo sees through in an instant), he created so many falsehoods to cushion the blow if Theo rejected him on any level - which he wholeheartedly believed he would and knew he would not be able to bear (stay away from the ones you love, those are the ones who will kill you).

and yes, Boris is 100% a professional gaslighter. he was terrified that Theo had grown up to hate him for stealing TGF, was in NY specifically to try to stop his engagement, and didn't even know if Theo was still hella in the closest enough to be disgusted with him for their last moment together -- a desperate coke-drunk teenaged loving kiss initiated by none other than Boris himself. Boris had to see the lay of the land and pin all their adolescent love/lust on Theo FIRST to absolve himself of it - to assure this "new" Theo he WASNT GAY if Theo had grown up to be someone who'd despise him for that too.

luckily Theo's the gayest man on Earth and let his eternal love for Boris slip .1 second after Boris DARED insinuate their semi-romantic acid-static moonlit hookups were less than star-crossed (still that sensitive about it after 8 years) and pushed his chair back like Michael from The Office at the mere SUGGESTION that it wasnt borne out of total and complete mutual affection despite the fact that he's now Theo "engaged" and "never was Gay" Decker.

boris: it was all u lol we just needed girls even tho i was already dating kotku when we kissed and i promised to follow u to nyc but im str8 now

theo, scraping back his chair:

[madiiko12]

new york’s very own madison ‘madi’ ko was spotted on broadway street in chanel sneakers . your resemblance to kim chungha is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-first birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being obsessive , but also ambitious . i guess being a virgo explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be glittery eyes, dangling earrings, & chanel draped in pearls.  ( cisfemale & she/her) + ( kale, 20 , she/her , est. )

hi honeybuns !! im back and with child. there is a brief mention of an ed under the cut but i block it off with a tw start & end.    if you’d like to plot pls leave a like and i can dm you or hit you up on discord !! my discord is kale#3079  

BACKSTORY

haneul madison ko was born september 18, 1999 to two immigrant parents from S.K. her birth name is haneul, but she went by the name madison since it was easier to pronounce + madi began to almost detest her culture??

it was just that growing up she would sometimes get bullied for looking different at her school, for the way her packed lunches smelled/looked, the way people would stare if she spoke korean to her parents, how other kids would make fun of her english since she didn’t pick up on vocab/grammar as quickly since she didn’t practice at home with her parents. she just became SO insecure about it that she rejected her culture. she wouldn’t bring her mom’s food to school, if her mom ever forced her to take it she’d throw it away  and choose to starve instead. she wouldn’t speak korean back to her parents in public, barely even in private (which reeaaallly upset her parents). this also REALLY destroyed her korean language skills. she can understand still, but she can barely hold a basic conversation anymore.

as she grew up, and continued this sense of distancing herself from her culture, she ultimately distanced herself from her family. which left her feeling -  - alone often, even though it was all due to her own choices. in this loneliness, she found her escape in music. she would wear headphones constantly through the halls, in car rides, in her room when her parents yelled at her to turn the music down. she just loved music. she saved up the money her parents gave her whenever she worked at the nail salon (her parents owned it!!) to thrift an old keyboard. she became self-taught by trying to copy melodies of songs she’d listen to, thrifting piano lesson books, staying after school with the music teacher learning to play. sometimes she’d even skip lunch to sit in the chorus room with her choir director and play.

it’s not that she had a LACK of friends growing up, maybe just that she lacked a best friend. she had a lot of friends, but no one that she felt so connected to in the way she felt connected to music. perhaps, she was addicted to her loneliness.

she spent a lot of time playing the piano and dabbling in writing music that her grades started to fall (not that she was ever the BEST student) and her parents literally took away her piano. they said it was a waste of time because they wanted her to focus on doing well, so she could get into a good university, and then live a good life. music was just a distraction

but that didnt work

she would sneak out into the city to go to concerts and poetry readings. she’d sneak out and go to indie songwriters scenes while her parents thought she was at the library with one of her school friends

This underground scene had her full heart!! she was surrounded by likeminded people who just lived for music. she was hearing all of these incredible people who were all looking for their start. maybe not looking for anything at than just to sing their songs. tbh i think this was the point she was happiest. she was completely enveloped in music, just for the sake of music. There wasn’t any pressure, just music. Just the songs. she was wide eyed looking at this whole underground scene of artists. So maybe some plots from these underground charas?!

she’d perform some songs at karaoke nights and the indie sessions, and a producer took a keen interest in one of her songs. basically im kind of stealing halsey’s career start, but she posted a song Came in Close on SoundCloud and just blew up overnight. in the morning, she woke up to a record label asking her to fly to LA for a meeting.

and thus, Madison Ko began a career as Madi Ko where she’d release her debut album, Honey, a few months later. (DISCOGRAPHY HERE). her music is very 80s synth inspired!

new album that is most definitely CRJ’S EMOTION is coming soon...

PERSONALITY

right off the bat, madi is an absolute firecracker!! she’s loud, bursting with personality, has a lack of inhibitions that CHAOTICALLY mixes with her spontaneity

part of this is projecting her insecurities. she felt lonely as a child but doesn’t want to be seen as that to the world. it’s not so much a persona but an exaggeration of who she was. 

she likes to show off her glam bc it, once again, hides her insecurities. 

she just kind of is dramatic anymore

like everything about her

her persona as Madi Ko, upcoming popstar underdog, is like DUNKED in glitter, over the top stages and sets, draped in couture. basically her stages/outfits/dances/mvs are like Chungha’s but with Pale Waves and Carly Rae Jepsen VC. ex: 1, 2, 3, 4

also bc im obsessed with chungha’s famous diamond wink, IT’S GONNA BE MADI’S THING TOO. so basically madi has trended on twt a few times bc of her signature diamond wink bc she effing glues rhinestones and glitter under her eyes for performances !! she said fuck corneas !! ex: 1, 2, 3      ....god chungha is magical

so while madi is like a brand hypebeast n never shuts up, she can also get,,, easily annoyed. and heavily perceives ppl on first impressions despite that being the reason she felt misunderstood a lot growing up. 

definitely argumentative!!! will blow up arguments for no reason n then later questions why she made it such a big deal but cant own up to her mistakes

when she decides she doesnt like you, SHE DOESNT LIKE YOU. it’s done. bridge is burned, she’s not keen on second chances

fame has definitely given her a bit of an ego problem --- she’s a bit more aggressive, self-obsessed while intrinsically insecure, is too busy flaunting her material possessions and trendy life that she can...lose touch of reality. basically most of her high school friends cant stand her. HC that her high school bf broke up with her bc she was no longer was the madison ko he knew!!! so if anyone wants to be that ex lmk !!! she’s written songs about them!!!

definitely the type of girl who is so hype at a party, dancing in fallen confetti, standing on the fireplace mantle, but then midway realizes she’s lonely. sad at a party. 

ED TW STARTS!!!!!

....

she kind of always had body image issues growing up, but it was very off and on, but once she got signed and being by surrounded by cameras became normal she formed a full fledged ED. she’s passed out at concerts a few times bc of her ED, but they always brush it off as “not enough rest” or “she wasnt feeling well that day but pushed to perform anyway as to not disappoint the fans”

so feel free for ur muses to point it out !! she’ll get really defensive like “i eat i just work out a lot” and yeah it’s true she works out a lot but she...doesn’t really eat

it’s also one of the causes of her irritability ...

.....

END ED TW!!!!

idk why this is so long

always up for mischief! 

does love a good prank. asks weird hypotheticals 

is not scared of an ouija board

will get wasted off a few shots and drunk madi is UNSTOPPABLE 

one time drunk madi cried bc her siamese cat (MOCHI !!!) wouldn’t ever get to go to school and would never know chemistry..... the dramatics.....

she is sensitive and despises it. she does everything she can to not come across as sensitive

however, she’s so obsessive. so deep in feeling. when she feels something she FEELS it. when she is mad it boils through her. when she is in love it is all she knows. when she is sad it covers her like sweaters and blankets on rainy days. she doesn’t know how to half-feel. everything she feels stops her in her tracks.

HOWEVER she’s the most obsessive with her own insecurities — so in relationships she’s kind of known for tapping out early. she just gets scared and the fleetingness of her career and that she’s at her very core, lonely and disappointed in herself, makes her want to run away thinking that letting down her walls and being vulnerable could only be disappointing for her SO. so maybe she ghosted ur chara or gave some lame excuse

Kind of obsessed with how she’s perceived

terrified that at any moment her career could be thrown away, her deemed irrelevant, and she goes back to being Madison Ko, daughter of nail techs in Koreatown. and then her parents would have been right all along, music was a waste of time.

she’s just my little fallen angel who flew to the sun (fame) and it constantly eats away at her girlhood, at her heart.

anyways this is all i got rn <3 come love me sorry i kind of didn’t shut up this is long

WANTED CONNECTIONS

an ex from before she was famous who broke up with her because of how she changed!! PLEASE i have ideas for this. plus,,, you get a lot of songs about ur chara!!! could be from high school, maybe someone in the music scene she frequented before she was signed, anything!!

anothr ex/fwb/undefined relationship i’d love is one when she was first famous who just introduced her to everything. something like a whirlwind that was exciting and magical. she’s written songs about this person.

exes in general. 

hookups/fwb

romantic plots. pls i have songs who need meaning. friends to lovers, one sided (either way), slowburn, ANYTHING. love cruel summer plots, anything lover by tswift

PR relationships -- would LOVE one where she falls in love with the other despite how clearly defined they made their relationship

love triangles in general just get me going

best friend!!!! the one’s who know how the other feels just by looking at each other. they have countless sleepovers. tell each other everything. cry together on bathroom floors. pregame together. 

ex friends. for whatever reason -- maybe madi did smth shitty, maybe they did. maybe there was backstabbing, maybe madi sacrificed friendship for a career, maybe she made moves on their romantic partner/interest despite being fully aware. idk. gimme

People she knew from the underground/indie scene before they were famous!! they’d have bonded over their love for music, little indie dreams kind of vibe. just imagine a group of dreamers !! Would love if they made some kind of pact!!!

party friends

collabs !!

pranks. mischief. gimme

enemies. gotta cook up some drama, yknow

GIRL GANG. god i just want this so bad like make a girls dream come true

[passingthru]

Someone said i'm an empath, i think i'm just a little sensitive. But i do tend to zero in on pain. And all i want to do is pull the sad out of these people. I want to hug them and say i got your back. Literally, my heart aches for them. But gosh, this is asia. U can't just do that. Too many misunderstandings.

Connections are exactly what have scalded their hearts, injured their souls, rejections, betrayals, from people. They don't hide it. They'll admit it because it's their truth. People betray me, one guy told me, everyone, eventually.

My counselor is right, i have to heal myself first before i can help others.

Coz i can count myself as having gone through the same. I'm struggling with my own story, my own truth. I was asked last night if i have any dreams for the future... i said, well, maybe just to be alive. Let's keep it basic for now.

I'm so terrified to trust. I have only a few safe places. The rehab center, where i go for counselling, where i see my doctors, selected friends, family, to a point.

I'm trying to put myself out there. I'm hugging more people. I'm taking wefies with people or texting people just so they know they matter to me... talking to strangers. Trying to talk to my colleagues. Can't seem to break through yet. I'm older than them so the onus is on me. i gotta keep at it.

Im so far out of my comfort zone. My chest is tight and i feel like i can't breathe. But I'm trying to make it less about me. I think that's the magic key.

I'm tired. It's a lot of effort. I keep dreaming of failure. I dream that the budgie escapes the cage and flies out the window and i lose her. Or the cage falls down. Or i dream of my old stressful job, and i wake up stressed, worse yet, i dream that i have a normal married life, and i wake up having the total opposite of that, and it floors me. I can't get up for minutes coz I'm in literal pain and sorrow. My anxiety pills are hiding all these from me, but my subconscious is bringing them to the foreground where they linger longer than thoughts do.

I guess i must feel what i do feel. Yesterday, i was chatting with these 2 kids at reception, and later on, i told my counselor, and he teased me, saying my motherly instincts came into play.

That's not funny even though it was just a teasing joke. There's a high chance I'll remain single. And i can't get pregnant on the drugs i'm on. Let's face it. I'm 40. I can barely look after myself, how can i have a family? What dreams do i have for the future? I dunno, i gotta let go of old dreams first, and map out new ones.

Work on myself first, get myself settled. Then i can think about helping others.

Get through this job first. 2 months probation to see if it works for everyone.

[oceanechoing]

This is place to rant. I think im going to make it so its how i tell my mom how im feeling, and maybe my dad if im feeling brave.

I hate having ADHD. It's the stupidest experience ever.

I think of being a child in fucking walmart and asking for a toy and trying so hard to mask the rejection sensitivity I was feeling because I truly didnt want to feel that way- it wasnt a big deal- and have people faun over me for it. The last thing i wanted was to be burdensome or have people feel bad for me.

But im an open book and i couldnt hide it, and theyd notice. I know its not a big deal!! I logically dont even care, I dont need the stupid thing, so why am i so goddamn sad?

My inner monologue had less cursing as a 6 year old.

All this to say it is absolutely infuriating to have the same thought as the 22 year old child i am, living rent free in my moms house because my brain is broken, because we cant get japanese for dinner.

I didnt need it! It doesnt matter! Theres no harm in asking and getting a no, in fact the no is expected and fine.

So why am I so anxious my hands are shaking? Why am I about to cry?

I just cant control it, and it sucks. I wish I were a robot i could reprogram or something.

but even a robot makes that face i do, so maybe its pointless.

to be clear, the upset isnt about not getting the food, its about the "no". getting a no triggers this whole response in my head about how i suck really hard, and thats what makes me do that sadboy face.

mental illness means theres so many extra steps to just be a person, that normal people dont have to deal with.

I was struggling so much yesterday just to be normal to josh, hes really sick and im terrified, and i know i get so lecturey and moral sometimes and its annoying so i didnt want to do that to him just to make myself feel better. But it was so hard! I just want to be a good friend. :(

It just feels like doing anything has ten additional obstacles in the way to start them. Is that really true? Or am i just putting them there myself... or worse, inventing them?

being a person is way too much work.

Im worried about a homework assignment that i have to do.

[neofrack]

The Aftermath

“From that day, He’s never been the same again” Chief bogo said

Judy was speechless.  She’s was carried away and shocked by Nick past. She never though the reason Nick don’t want to have a partner would be so sad and frightening.

“I thought when he decided to stay In the force he’s already move on, but everytime I partnered him with somebody else, he would left them, and goes alone” He continued

“I’ve warned him many times, but he just wouldn’t listen. The weird thing is, he always succeed in taking down a crime, I had to promoted him because all of his doing, but the longer he’s working like that, the more reckless he get” The chief finally finished.

“Hopps, i’m telling you this not to feel sorry for him, but for you not to fall to the same hole as he did and if possible changing him”

Judy don’t know what to say to that statement. Her shocked and scared feelings slowly changed to guilt. She finally realize why Nick is willing to be captured and tortured just for a bunny. And the chief is handing her to Nick hoping that she somehow will change Nick. She feels she’s not good enough to change someone personality. All of this is happening so fast, that she doesn’t know what to do.

“Chief, i….”

Chief bogo read judy face and immediately understood

“I understand if this put a pressure on you, I’m not forcing you or anything, but just think what I just said, okay”

“Yes sir”

“good, now patched your cheek and rest, I need your full report on paper as soon as possible !”

  Nick felt cold. He can’t see anything except the darkness. Then, he suddenly back outside the store, looking at Wolfe. He tried to reach him but every time he steps forward the more far Wolfe is. Then he sees the tiger, coming out of the store, carrying a machete, Nick watched as the tiger started to butcher his partner. He tried to shout, but his voice don’t come out at all. Nick closes his eyes, hoping it would go away, but when he opened them the tiger still there, only this time, it’s not Wolfe that is in front of him, It’s Judy. Nick terrified looking at that sight and immediately run to her, only to find his feet can’t move. He looked at his feet and found Wolfe covered in blood holding him.

“You left me to die” said Wolfe as he pulled nick to the ground

Nick struggle to get off but he feel powerless. Nick was about to give up when a light shining from above.

“Sir... Don’t …. Up”

He feels like the light is getting brighter as the sound is getting clearer.

“Sir….. Stay….me”

“Nick don’t die !”

Nick feels a water drop in his face. He slowly opened his eyes and sees Judy crying.

“Oh thank god” said judy

“Hopps ? what happened ?” Nick asked

“You were dead a moment before”

Nick starting to remembering what happened before.

“You’ve made it Judy” Nick said with a smile.

Judy shocked and angry when she sees that.

“How can you worried about someone else, when you almost died you stupid fox!” cries Judy

Nick doesn’t answer that question as he realize that he has become attached to Judy. He can’t afford to lose another person in his life.

This is why I work alone, you damn buffalo, Nick cursed in his thought.

“Ms hopps, I need to check Nick condition, would you please stand aside for a moment ?” The doctor in Nick rights speaks

“Oh, of course” Said Judy while drying her tears.

After assuring that Nick condition were stable, the doctor left the room, leaving an akward silent between Nick and Judy before Nick decided to break it.

“So what happened after I passed out ?”  

“I ran outside and search for help, luckily grizzoly was patrolling not far from there, and you probably can guess the rest”

Heh, I guess my luck hasn’t run out, Nick chukled

“Is there something funny I said sir ?” Judy wondered

“No, it’s nothing” Nick said while smiling a little.

This is the second time Judy seen him smiling.

“how long I’ve been asleep ?”

“Two days”

“Huh, that long huh…”

Noticing his behavior, Judy is like talking to an entirely different person, then she remember what the chief has said to her.

Maybe I can change him, Judy thought. She decided to bring up the most sensitive topic for Nick.

“Sir, I heard about Wolfe from the Chief”

Nick eyes widened a moment before going to his usual calmness. His smile has vanished from his face.

“That damn blabered mouth” Nick cursed

“Sir, I know that you have going through a terrible experience, but that doesn’t mean you can go around and taking crime all by yourself“

“What do you know about me ?! you’re just working with me for a month,hearing my sad story doesn’t mean you understand what I feel”

Judy want to argue, but the sudden opening of the door cut her words. Chief bogo walk in to the room with “definitely not happy” expression. This time, Nick is the one who greets him.

“What good is it to her if you tell my past ? all these years, not a single mammals you told, and now you decided to tell…..”  

“Wilde !” Chief bogo cut him mid-sentenced.

Nick became silent when he notices a change of tone from the chief.

“going to someplace without permission, leaving a crime scene, if I were you, I better start explaining myself, cause you’re in big trouble Wilde”

A sweat has appeared on Nick face as he started to get nervous. There’s times bogo is using a certain tone when he’s really angry. It was so rare that only a few people know that. This time the chief was using it.

Nick started to tell the chief  everything from the beginning.

“What exactly did you found back there ?” the chief asked

“The warehouse was used to make chemicals, but it turns out they making an dangerous drug, I’m guessing it’s our new drug, have you found them yet ?” Nick asked

“Oh, we found it allright, what we don’t find is your goddamned reckless ass back there !”

“Yeah, i’m a little busy at the moment before, 5 years ago it was closed down, if you can remember”

Chief Nodded as he remembered the closing down by him.

“But, it turns out the developing of the drug is never stopped, and they have perfected it right now, I read an Unknown email on one of the computers in the warehouse, it said there was a customer who want it in a large amount, and they’re meeting three weeks after the email was send, on the customer pirvate property, that’s all I know”

“When was the email was send ?”

“About a week ago when I found it”

“That leaves us 12 days”

Chief bogo seems to think for a few seconds, then he looked at Nick.

“good job Wilde, but this doesn’t mean you’re free from concequences, for starter, Rest ! I forbid you to step foot in the precint until further notice”

Nick knows that this will come eventually and he really didn’t have a choice this time.

“Understood”

“You too hopps !” said the chief as he exited the room.

“Yes sir” Judy answered

After the chief left, the room filled with an awkward silence. Judy then decided to just leave him alone.

“So I guess, take care then sir”

“hopps, wait” Nick called

Judy stopped and turn around.

“I’m sorry for before, as much as I’m angry right now, you still saved me , and I’m glad you’re okay, Thank you, Judy” he thanked

Judy felt happiness when she hears that.

“No problem sir, glad to help” she said before exiting the room.

The apology and thanks from Nick has cheer her up. On her way home, she noticed that is probably the second time Nick has ever said Her first name after that warehouse. I can change Him ! , Judy thought as she walking down the road with a smile on her face.

  “Morning Sir” Judy greeted the fox

“Hopps, I told you to leave me alone” Nick protest

I’ts been 5 days since Nick awoke, and every morning, Judy Would come to the hospital to visit Nick, even though Nick is clearly not enjoying it and want her gone. Her intention is not just to visit Nick of course but also to help him. She smiled as she pulled out her secret weapon.

“Blueberries ?” Judy offered

Nick looked at the basket Judy carried, full of blueberries. He usually ignored or reject Judy gift for him, but this time, Nick doesn’t sure if he can.

Why it must be Blueberries, Nick thought as he looked at his favorite food. Nick tried all his best not to accept it, but after a few days eating hospital food, he can’t stand it anymore. He take a few and goes to eat it.  Judy smiled grew wider when she sees Nick eating the blueberries.

“It’s still fresh from my family farm” Said judy holding her excitement as she finally able to gift something to him.

Of all the blueberries he tried in Zootopia, this is the most delicious Nick ever taste in his life. He then take a few more and eat it.

“Ok, im just gonna put it here” Said judy while putting the basket in a table next to Nick’s bed.

“Thank you” Nick thanked

“You’re welcome, so when can you leave the hospital ?”

“The doctor said I can leave tomorrow”

“That’s great ! I’m happy for you sir” said Judy.

Even though what she said was true, she was a little sad about it. These 5 days, she was able to approach Nick without him pulling away is because he still have to lying in the hospital bed, but tomorrow she’s not sure if Nick would even answer her phone call.  

On the other hand, Nick is feeling what he’s not have feel a long time ago, warmthness. She hates to admit it, but Judy being around is actually enjoyable for him. He feels he owed her all of her help and decided to pay it off.

“Hopps”

“What is it sir ?”

“Tommorow after I got out, want to grab a cup of coffee with me ? my treat”

Judy surprised when she hears that. She’s never though that Nick would go as far as offering her to grab a cup of coffee with him.

“Of course !” Judy answered happily

“Great, I call you when I got out” Nick said before eating more blueberries while secretly hoping that this was not a mistake.

  This WAS a mistake

Nick is sitting in one of the seats on Central café. The fox is wearing his green hawaiaan T-Shirt that he only wear when he’s on a casual occasion, and he clearly hasn’t been wearing it for a long time. He’s been waiting for Judy to come for almost 15 minutes now, and in that 15 minutes he slowly regretting his decision.  

What am I thinking ? hanging out with some mammal? That’s not like you at all, Nick thought. Just when he’s thinking about leaving, Judy came in from the front door.

There goes my chance to leave, Nick sighed. When she sees him, she’s smiling and waving at him.

“Sorry I’m late sir, my neighbor seems to have a problem and I got to help them”

“it’s okay, I only been here for a few minutes, coffee ?” Nick offered

“Sure” Judy takes it

Judy looked at the fox. This is the first time she sees Nick in a different clothes other than his Uniform. Both of them stays silent making the awkward silence began. Nick has been a loner from a long time that he forgot how to do a casual conversation, while Judy is known in bunnyburrow for her Interactive nature when she meets mammals, but even in situation she can’t do much, because not only Nick is a fox, but also her superior. Fortunately Judy decided to talk.

“So, how are you feeling sir ?”

“I’m fine” he paused for a second then continue

“call me Nick if we’re outside of work”

“Okay, Nick, where did you come from before coming to Zootopia ?”

“I grew up here, in happy town”

Judy nodded when she hears that.

“Pardon me to ask you this Nick, but this has been in my mind since I started working with you, how long have you been in the force?”

“11 years”

Judy eyes Widened when she hears that.

“Really ? that long ?”

“why would I lie to you hopps?”

“I know, I’m just….. surprised”

Nick wondered what part of working 11 years surprised her, even bogo is longer in the force than he is. Speaking of wondering, Nick intended not to be the one who just answered.

“How about you Judy ?where did you come from?”

“I’m from bunny burrow ! you should visit sometimes”

Nick smiled a little as he slowly get the hang of this hangout and decided to ask more.

“What about your reason ? what makes you want to be a police officer?

“Well, it’s my dream since I was little ! nobody would believe a small bunny will be a police officer, but here I am, proving them wrong” she smiled

Nick smiled even wider when he realize they’re so much alike, well the old him. Nick smile slowly fading as he remembering those happy moment back then. This is what Nick been avoiding for 10 years. Making a bond with other mammals only to lose them in the end. Nick doesn’t want it to happen again.

“Nick you okay ?” Judy noticed his change of expression

“I’m sorry Judy, I need to leave” Nick said as he go straight to the front door, but something stops him midway and turned around.

“it was Nice to hangout like this Judy, maybe we can do it again sometimes” he said with a sad expression before he continue to walk leaving Judy alone in her table wondering if there’s anything she said hurt his feeling.

 I planned to have a 6 chapter only, but i kind of overdoing this chapter and it will be too long if i post in tumblr, so i divided it to 3 more chapter, but it means i have to draw more cover  :*

[spnshameblog]

Ok people seem to agree with this, so im gonna keep rambling.

Because this fear of being the target of this type of ridicule/callout is so prevalent, people get oversensitive to ANY kind of criticism.

If people start bringing completely disproportionate amounts of venom to innocent shit like the example above and if people zero in on humiliating and chastising people for minor missteps, people get terrified of being wrong. If you leave no space for them to make tiny mistakes, misspeak or even just be a little weirder than normal, then they think they'll get "thrown out of fandom" if someone notices they did something "wrong", so they reject the possibility entirely and become completely shut off towards any kind of advice or criticism.

I have, to name specific examples, tried to gently tell people on anon that one of their posts was a little insensitive or have asked people to please tag misinfo as such and ive been met with complete resistance and aggression because people cannot simply admit that theyve made a mistake anymore. Like, those werent even a big deal, completely inconsequential stuff. But people cant simply say "my bad, i hadnt considered that" anymore, because the stakes feel so high.

And, without fail, every time someone tries to talk people down from making a person or group the target of a little bullying campaign, they get made fun of for being a party pooper, overly sensitive, a centrist (???) or you get called patronising.

The only reason why nobody has made fun of me yet is because i made this post months after it happened. If i had made this exact post back then, i would have been the next target of ridicule for getting upset over a little harmless fun on the dash. Its much easier to look at yourself critically with some distance, i know that, thats literally the reason i didnt post this when it happened.

If your first reaction to seeing someone behave a little weird or to seeing someone make an honest mistake is "oh yeah i'll get so many laughs if i make a post about this"..... maybe dont.

Ok so idk why i suddenly feel the need to talk about this now and im 100% sure nobody is gonna know whst im talking about, but anyways.

Do you remember that one con where a fan was talking about the death of her father to misha and the panel got very suddenly crashed by jay2 and people were tearing them to shreds for it?

I have mixed feelings about that situation, like obviously it was handled very badly and callously, but, and i dont mean to be insensitive, cons arent really the place to trauma dump.

But thats a different topic and not what i wanted to talk about. This is so long ago, so i dont remember who posted what and if some of the people involved are following me... ah well.

So someone posted something along the lines of "hey person who just asked that question. I can recommend this one fanfic to you bc it really helped me with my loss" and someone screenshotted this and made a separate post going something like "wow, theres truly something wrong with us hahaha cringe" with many people reblogging it and cattily making fun of the person making the recommendation.

And in that moment i did not know what to do because i was so taken aback and everyone seemed to be piling on (idek if the post gained that much traction, i may be misremembering it) but ive remembered this so many times over the past few months and this is just.... a very clear indication of the fact that some of yall are just CONSTANTLY waiting for an opportunity to ridicule someone.

And this is coming from the same people who praise fanfics for "changing their life", jesus christ, if that person went to ask misha for advice, why the fuck would you think theyd be offended by a recommendation from someone who has been in a similar situation.

This was purely so you could ridicule and call someone out, just to make you feel a drop of endorphins bc you got to act morally superior over someone. Yall need to question your actions more often, because all too often youre just straight up bullying and humiliating people under the guise of wokeness or in this case "common sense" i guess.

[truths-of-an-earth-canary]

BLAME.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately.

It is a rejection. Of responsibility, of self, of others, of love, of growth.

Sometimes it's intentional, a defense mechanism for those never taught how to take that responsibility for themselves, sometimes it's unintentionally used for the same reasons.

And it is so often taught to our children, by seeing it in their parents, by having it used against them.

My mother is a blamer. I have always been highly sensitive, and empathetic, so she worked out very early on guilt was a great way to control me. So if i did anything she didnt want me to, for whatever reason, instead of teaching me a better way, she just made me terrible and awful about whatever i had done so i wouldn't do it again.

Anything around me that went wrong, mum made me feel it was my fault. If she changed her mind about something, it became my fault. I was in the wrong and made to feel like shit.

What all the blame and emotional manipulation did to me growing up, has made my life so hard.

I became conditioned to take the blame for everything. To not only take it, but to feel it was my fault, feel shame and dread for this thing i did not even do.

And it goes further. Because this was so constantly reinforced to me growing up (my mother has never behaved any other way) i never had a chance to learn to stand up for myself, to be able to say NO. To be able to have boundaries.

To even have peace of mind in my decisions i make for me, because i was trained from my earliest memories to not talk back, to just accept whatever adults said to me, that if an adult said something was my fault it was, and i was in so much trouble. That i shouldn't upset people. That they don't care about me, no one cares if im having a bad day, no one wants to help me, so just keep a smile on my face and say im fine.

When you learn as a child that everything you do is wrong, nothing is ever good enough no matter how much you try, that if you say something and someone doesn't like it, that you will be made to feel so worthless when mum gets you alone, when you're told that no one cares or wants to help you, you learn many lessons very quickly to try and protect yourself.

First you learn the lessons you are taught above, because to fight is to be flayed with words and tone of voice until you feel ashamed to exist.

Then you learn other things. How to not show how much emotional pain you are in, how to make a blank mask of your face. You withdraw from people and social interactions because they cause so much stress. Always worrying about what if you say the wrong thing? What if you use the wrong tone? What if someone gets upset because of something you say? It will be your fault, you will have ruined it, as you always do.

You learn not to do anything, because you will do it wrong and get in trouble.

You become a peace keeper. Avoid confrontation at all costs.

A justifier. Because everything you do is wrong, you have to explain what you did/what you were thinking. You feel you always have to justify your thought/action.

You learn to ask people how they want everything done because you are so terrified of the consequences of getting it wrong and them not being happy.

You learn to hate yourself, because you can't do anything right, and you want to stand up for yourself (and people even tell you to, why on earth don't you for fucks sake? You're such a pushover) that you hate yourself for being unable to stand up for yourself, for being unable to stop the voice in your head telling you everything is your fault, never realising it was never your fault, and you were never taught to stand up for yourself.

Breaking out of this mental conditioning is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life, and the most terrifying.

It's so strong i get really bad anxiety any time i try stand up for myself. Even just thinking about it, i get stressed, my heartrate goes through the roof, i start shaking, and frequently end up crying. If i do try and speak what i want to say i often can't physically get the words out, that conditioned block is so strong.

Something as small as saying 'no I don't want to lend you my (insert whatever they want to borrow here)

But i am determined to learn to do it. My mother failed to teach me, so I'm going to have to learn this on my own.

And this is where this blog is really helping, because i use it as a focus. When my brain starts stressing out about something i try think about this, and how can i use this experience, and write about it, to try and communicate what is going on in my head, and also in the hope maybe one day it will help someone else find the words they are struggling to find to explain/deal with something.

As it's very difficult to think about or explain something if you don't know how to put it into words in a way that makes sense, because so much of what causes the crippling anxiety is the emotional side of it. It's not just words in your head, those words are attached to feelings of shame and grief and loneliness, unworthiness, hate for yourself, revulsion ect. How do you explain the emotional hurricane rampaging uncontrollably in your head? When each word and thought can trigger a new one, and they are all storming at once?

It's simple really. You can't.

All i can try do is paint pictures with words to maybe let people catch a glimpse of what it can be be like.