#imm so fucking lonely

[nuppu-nuppu]

Sorry for not being able to make good art anymore

[yoohyeon]

I’m seriously not made to be alone, it’s only been a day and I’m like this

[salstini]

i realy don’t have anyone innthis world. exceptnmy boyfriend but i cant just rely on him. non of my friends or family. i feel so fucking lonely and like nobody can understand yhe things i want to say and just whatbis the point of my life. i have no purpose at all and imm just this big ball of constant anxiety and people are always scaring me all the time and social interactions are so hard and i’n so. sick and tired of being myself and why can’t i just be more cheerful, more charismatic, kinder, funnier gentler NO i’m stuck being this borinh depressed person wtih shit taste and horrible skin and seriously i want to give up

[shunukitrash]

I literally can't do this anymore I need to be held or I'm gonna cry

[sensesdialed-aa]

me stopping myself from checking peter’s tag every 5 seconds cause of spoilers:

[miceenscene]

'tis the damn season

frankie/reader | childhood friends to lovers | pre-canon

wc: 1.8k/2.5k

summary: At one point in your lives, you knew Frankie better than anyone else on earth. When did that change?

warnings: none

an: don't let anyone tell you that second person doesn't work from another character's perspective, least of all yourself while editing

Masterpost | ao3

Chapter 2: Who am I Related to?

December 8, 2012 18:57

Hudson’s was a shitty bar just up highway 210 outside of Fort Bragg, the nearest watering hole to the base as the crow flies.

As a result, it served pretty damn near exclusively military personnel. When it changed ownership about four years back, the new management decided to reflect that and so the place looked like the Fourth of July and Top Gun had thrown up on it. Never mind that Fort Bragg was an Army base. Still, they had cheap booze and greasy food that was far better than the commissary, so it was always busy.

Pope had texted the usual suspects a few hours ago that he was heading to Hudson’s that evening, making Frankie immediately ditch his plans of drinking alone for drinking with Pope and whoever else showed up. Most likely just Benny and Ironhead now that Redfly had semi-retired down to Florida. It was a short drive to the bar from the dorms on base, but it was enough to make Frankie groan and press hands to his lower back as he got out of his car and made his way inside.

Pope was sitting at the bar and didn’t look up from texting on his phone as Frankie gingerly eased into the stool next to him.

“Hey, Fish,” Pope said, rereading the email.

“Hey.” At the bartender’s attention, Frankie pointed to Pope’s beer before daring a slight back stretch.

Pope sent his email and then looked over. “You alright?”

“Yeah, just finished PT.”

He chuckled once. “Back still fucked?”

“More tired than fucked anymore,” Frankie managed, shaking his head and wincing. The bartender delivered his beer, and Frankie took a swig. “When did we get old?”

“¿De qué estás hablando ‘nosotros’, viejo?”

Frankie jabbed an elbow and grinned slightly down at his next swig. “Culero.”

“Hey, before everyone gets here–” Pope looked at him, an oddly serious expression on his face for their usual bar. “I found out today you haven’t re-enlisted yet.”

Frankie immediately dropped his gaze to the suddenly very interesting glass in his hand. “Ah, no. No, I haven’t.”

“I’m trying to pull strings to get Benny into our unit full-time. I think he’d fit well with the team. Then Simmons tells me you haven’t signed your new papers yet. So what’s up?”

Frankie glanced over to see Pope still focused on him. “Nothing, nothing. I… I’m still thinking about it.”

He chuckled. “What’s there to think about?”

“We all want out someday, right? If we’re lucky enough to choose when we leave.”

“Yeah, but there’s thinking and thinking.” Pope smacked his shoulder. “What – are you gonna become a real estate agent like Redfly?”

No. Definitely not. Even just the idea of shilling condos was enough to make Frankie’s eyes glaze over. But still–

“Real estate agents make more money than we do.”

Pope made a considering face for a moment then brushed it off. “Yeah, but you’d miss it. You’re like me. We like the rush.”

Frankie nodded slightly. This is why he was still just thinking about it. It wasn’t a small thing to walk away from fourteen years with the Army. Especially since everyone knew the retirement benefits were absolute shit until you hit twenty. But he could already tell, he didn’t have another six years in him. He wasn’t even sure he had another deployment.

“You know the deadline’s New Year’s, right?” Pope said, cutting through his thoughts.

“Yeah, I know. I have some leave I have to take before the year’s out anyway.”

Pope nodded. “Good. Clear your head, get some perspective. See how fucking boring civvy life is, and then come back Jan 2 and join my team.”

Frankie smiled wryly; Pope always could make anything sound easy. “Something like that.”

“You have holiday plans then?” he asked, leaning an elbow on the bar.

Frankie sucked in breath. “I guess I’ll go back to my parents’. My mom’s been wanting me to visit for a while now.”

“How long’s it been?”

“I saw them in DC last summer, but I haven’t been back home… since I joined Delta.”

“Remind me where they’re at.”

“Up north. Little town in the middle of nowhere. Still in the same house I grew up in.” He could picture the wreath on the door, the twinkling lights his dad always strung across the front fence every December. A matching set used to be hung on the fence exactly opposite across the street. Who lived there now, he wondered. Would they put the tree in the front window too?

“Soldier coming home for Christmas. Sounds like a Hallmark movie.”

“Fuck you,” Frankie replied as the others finally arrived.

--

Frankie got his answer as he ducked out the front door of his parent’s house about a week later. His breath immediately fogged as he sucked in a few calming breaths of night air, the pressure in his head slowly levelling. Out in the still darkness, the noise level coming from the living room was finally manageable. Inside, with all of his cousins and his aunts and uncles and the music and everyone talking over each other and the heater set far too high for the number of people inside– he… he just needed a break.

Seven hours was a decent stint for his first day. He’d be around longer tomorrow. Wading in. That was the key. Because he was now the kind of person that had to treat time with his family like running a marathon. Apparently.

He walked down to the twinkling front fence, making a mental note to shovel the front walk tomorrow, and stopped. The house across the street �� your house, as it would forever be in his mind – was completely dark. A small sign posted in the front yard announced some sort of home refurbishment company was going to be arriving soon. No doubt they would come in, strip away wallpaper and old tile and heart to paint it all beige and granite for the quick resell.

He hadn’t had the heart to ask his mother yet how long the house hadn’t belonged to your family. No need for another reminder of how much time had passed, how much he’d missed. He had more than enough already.

The front door opened behind him, casting a temporary warm glow across the dark snow, and his dad stepped out, pipe in hand. He meandered down the front steps to join Frankie at the gate, puffing a few times before speaking.

He shook his head. “It’d break his heart to see it so empty, but I understand why she sold,” he said, looking at the forlorn house with him.

“How long ago?” Frankie asked.

“Few months. Not too long after the funeral.” Dad looked his way for a moment. “I’ll give it ten minutes before I tell your mother you left.”

“I… thanks,” he replied weakly.

“Will you be back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be back.”

Dad nodded slowly, leaving just the pipe smoke wafting between them for a minute. “Take it slow, no need to rush.”

“Thanks.” He stepped through the gate, fishing in his pocket for his car keys.

“Francisco,” he said, making Frankie stop and look at him. “We’re glad you’re back.”

Frankie just nodded and went to his car. Even though he couldn’t bear another minute in the noisy press of his loved ones, the idea of going back to his lonely hotel room was truly abysmal. So after some finagling with the ignition, he started the engine and headed to the one bar he’d ever been to in his hometown.

--

There were Christmas lights in the window and a dancing Santa on the bar as Frankie walked in. Some sort of forcibly cheery holiday classic played over the speakers tucked between quirky memorabilia that hung over every square inch of wall space. And even though public smoking had been outlawed by the state well over a decade ago, cigarette stench had sunk into the very foundation of the place.

It was nothing like Frankie remembered. But it would do.

Eyes automatically sweeping across the moderately busy room for a Thursday night, he headed for a stool at the far end of the bar, ordering a beer when the bartender came by. It was just one step up from swill, but comfortably numbing in its mediocrity. He looked across the room again, checking for familiar faces this time and finding none. No surprise there. A decade was a long time, and really he hadn’t been around too much for the years before that too.

There were couples on dates here, friend groups, some sort of girls’ night happening in the corner, a few loners like him hovering at the bar. Most everyone was smiling, talking, laughing so hard their whole bodies shook. A whole world of Normal. And Frankie was a tourist.

Pope was right. He couldn’t go back to this. He couldn’t make it through one whole day with blood relatives anymore. What was he thinking? That he could just settle into a normal life like the last decade of his work was nothing? Get a 9-to-5 and a mortgage and a girl – not that he’d ever had too much luck in that department. Especially when there was one girl that eclipsed all others, and he didn’t even know her phone number any more.

The door opened, making the Santa on the bar dance, and every thought in Frankie’s head immediately stopped. His eyes drew wide as he stared, jaw barely restrained from slapping against his chest. Was it really – course it was, there wasn’t anyone else it could be. A whole century could pass, and he’d still know that face.

It was you.

Live, in the flesh you. Cheeks pinked from the wind, haloed by the street lights outside, wrapped in a truly astonishing number of woolen layers. Not a half-remembered fantasy, but Real and breathing and even more beautiful than his memory had claimed.

He watched you shake a few flurries out of your hair and stomp the excess snow off your boots, shutting the door behind you as you waved to the bartender. Your gaze swung across the bar, completely skimming past him, and landed on the girls’ night in the corner. You smiled. He stared.

You began to head over to the people you were obviously here to meet. On nothing but pure instinct, he immediately got out of his stool and followed you. Falling into step behind you, he stretched a hand forward to hook a few fingers inside your elbow.

You looked back at him, and for a heart-breaking breath there was no recognition in your eyes.

Till he gave you a half-smile and said, “Hey Bo.”

You blinked, mouth dropping open. “Frankie?” you asked.

He nodded.

Your astonishment ballooned so wide it froze your whole face solid for a moment. Then you laughed, out of far more shock than amusement, and gave him a smile all his own. “Oh my god!! You’re here!”

You immediately wrapped him in a hug. And though it took him a moment to return it, for the first time in ten whole years, he was home.

Chapter 3: Not my Homeland Anymore

taglist: @kelenloth ; @darnitdraco ; @gracie7209 ; @616wilsons ; @icanbeyourjedi ; @astroboots ;

[lpninja]

my therapist wants me to find people I can rely on and I can‘t rely on a single fucking friend I have and they all get offended when I don‘t reach out because I know goddamn well they can‘t fucking help me, I‘m tired and done, I‘m sick Imm overwhelmed, I want my mom back home and not in the hospital, I‘m hungry, my chest hurts, I just want to cry and I can‘t cry, the tears just won‘t come out because I feel like a goddamn fucking clown

I‘m so sick and tired of being used constantly in the hopes of getting crumbs back, I wish that every single fucking person in my life leaves me the fuck alone forever honestly, fuck yourselves

I haven‘t felt this bad in such a long time, I‘m lonely and overwhelmed

[brucewayneisdaddy]

Broken-Jake Gyllenhaal

Re-upload, cause tumbrl messed it up

Genre:smut

Pairing:Jake Gyllenhaal x Reader

Warnings:smut, language

I feel so smuttish....smuttishhhhh

I love smutto but

I m not capable of writing gud smutto

Me apolosmutto

En joy

You were sitting on your bed talking to your friend through the phone while Jake was reading his scripts in the other room.

"Yeah I understand, but i feel lonely and I just want to be cuddled and loved and kissed and soo onnn...", you told her with a light chuckle and kept on listening to your friend whining about her boyfriend. But when you raised your head you saw Jake standing there at the doorstep, with a grin on his face. "I'll call you later",you told her and put your phone down on the nightstand.

"I love you, I will cuddle you, I will kiss you, there's no need to whine about that", he said, as he approached you and kissed you, deeply. You gave into the kiss, deepening it. The kiss got so deep that Jake had to steady himself and grabbed on a bedframe for some support. When you opened your eyes, he was already towering you, "I- I would. Cuddle. You, but i see that's not what you want to do", he chuckled, gazing at your lustful eyes. You didn't answer, indeed you grabbed him by his collar and pulled him towards yourself and smashed your lips against his. Soon he was on top of you, taking his shirt of, showing off his strong and muscular body. He kissed you once again while roaming his hands all over you. Once he found your flannel shirt buttons, he started unbuttoning it. "We haven't done it for a long time are you sure?",he said, with slight concern in his voice.In situations like these he still managed to stay like a gentleman and ask you before fucking the hell out of you. You nodded. "You had appendix surgery not that long ago, I-If I hurt you, tell me",he said and looked you in the eyes. You shrugged, giving him a clear answer. "Of course you won't tell me... Well, Then there will be no sex tonight",he said and was about to get off you, "Fine fine, I'll tell you, just kiss me... Take me already, please?",you whined. He then looked back at you with satisfied look and continued on what he was doing.

Soon you were completely exposed to him, and cold wind, that came through the gap of the window, made you shiver, but not as much as a thought of Jake, on top of you, positioning himself between your shaky legs. His lips met yours, as his length slowly and tortuously slid inside you, making a moan escape your mouth. Jake chuckled and kept his lips locked onto yours. When you started to adjust to his length, which was thicc tbh, he eventually increased his speed. Everything became so heated, he was pacing into you fast, with deep and fast thrusts, that your bed couldn't handle, so it started moving, repeatedly, with his movements.

His mouth was on your neck, lightly sucking your sweet spot, slowly biting it. His teeth gently biting your sensitive skin made your moans even louder, they were escaping your mouth one after another,as thrust after thrurst. And the tension grew bigger and bigger, so did his growls.

"Oh J-jjake... I-imm so close",you stuttered between moans. He growled and rested his forehead onto yours and stole kisses from you, before speeding up his pace even more. "f-fuck me too baby... mmm-me too...",he said, faintly, between kisses and grabbed by the bed frame as a support.

You dig your nails into his muscular back as you felt your climax approaching, "oh god baby! Oh Jake!!",you screamed out his name as your climax hit you and satisfaction overwhelmed your body. He only cursed to himself, lowly, "s-shit...ohh fuckk",as he felt your walls clenching around his throbbing length. One glance at you, with closed eyes, moaning out his name, with hands locked on his back tight, was all he needed, when he came undone, growling and gripped on the bed frame, tightly, "OH F-FUCKK...",he groaned in the crook of your neck.

You then loosened your arms, wrapped around his body and brought his head to yours, "If only you knew... H-hhow mucch I-II love you",you said, trying to catch your breath. He then kissed your palm and moved it away before kissing you, "Trust me, I know...I love you even more",he chuckled. "You don't know that",you said sarcastically as you both felt a crack underneath you and the next thing you knew that your bed was lower than usual, and the mattress, you were fucked on was on the ground, in the middle of... now the broken bed. "Did we seriously break the bed",you asked, still shocked. "I think we did",he chuckled and didn't move, his hand locked on your bare back. "At least it got broken this way...",you smirked and sit up. "When I was buying this bed, the consultant told me it would handle any pressure...But boy he was wrong",he squinted his eyes. "We'll buy a new bed... It's not a big deal",you told him as you grabbed your black robe and put it on. "Ya think I'll survive these few days?",he questioned as he stood up and went towards the bathroom. "We have floor, tables, even walls, don't be a cry baby",you let out a laugh and walked over to the other side of the bed and began lifting the mattress, "Baby...Leave it there, I'll help you",he said softly. "What else am I supposed to do, I'm already bored. "Come here baby",he peeked his head through the door gap and stretched out his hand for you take it. And as soon as you put your hand into his he pulled you inside, "A warm bath will help you to loosen up a little",he smiled and kissed your cheek...

Havent written smuto for a long time... l o l🧚‍♂️🧚‍♂️

[cryy1babyy]

I'm fucked

so this guy i meet twice and had a two night stand twice, suddenly wrote me again after like 3 months of no contact

He obviously wants to fuck again and is honest about it, also hes kind of cute as a person but i told him that imm not into it anymore and actually want a relationship (the relationship part i didnt tell him) but idk what to do bc i'm lonely af and finally want to have a relationship or just a friendship you know, but he obviously just want to fuck....

why do i wanna get attention from people who dont even care about me ....

update: i think he wont write me again, so why am i sad and feel like shit

[yuzuka-rei]

The Dark Affices: Lord of Shadows Analysis

(Unpopular opinions sorry+mostly criticism but the book is good, its just Imm irked by these points GAH ) I loved this book while reading it, the plot flowed well, the characters were quite lovable, but once I finished it- it felt like I had read nothing at all. The only feelings I had came from the whole situation with Kieran and Mark and Cristina, and that was just because I'm a total sucker for sad romances where one loves the other way more than they are loved back but ANYWAYS. (THE KIERARKTINA ANALYSIS IS NEAR THE END) Plot Villians Unseelie King Isn't even half as threatening or formidable of an archenemy as Sebastian Morgenstern, and that makes the whole story quite weak already Seelie Queen She's going to do something that will bite the shadowhunters in their arse the moment Julian gives him the Black Book. Predictable. She could've done way more manipulation on the others as well. Zara and the Cohort Everyone who fought in the way againt the Circle/Valentine is still alive. There is no way that within 10 years people who go back to wanting to brand downworlders and such. They remember the last time someone wanted to do that a massive war broke out and their relatives died. Also Zara is a two-dimensional character: her goal is weak, and she doesn't seem to have any human/likeable qualities. So she's a Regina-George-type character, made to be hated, but the Unseelie King has already taken that role. Repeat: Sebastian Morgenstern was a way better villian, since he had a single human quality: he wanted to be with his family, his sister and his brother. This brings us onto my next point Characters Both the villians and the heros both had very single-trait, non in-depth personalities, probably due to the amount of characters and arcs. Emma: too unflawed. Her emotions are quite simple throughout the book (there could've been great inner turmoil about whether she could give up being shadowhunter to love/protect Julian). She killed a rider too easily- making her seem to powerful. Julian: He was a pretty horrible person in this bk but in terms of character depth he's not too bad. He loves his family and would do anything for them and it's shown in a variety of ways. I've been comparing him to Cersei, since he's on the whole "family is most important" and "manipulation" thing. However, considering that he's practically been running the family, he should definitely sound less whiny and more mature. Cristina: I don't even know what to say. I can't even remember what you did apart from sing lullabies and be attached to Mark. Her lack of more personality sucks because Kieran keeps saying she's really nice and kind and stuff, but it's not that supported really. She could've contributed way more to the fantastic love triangle, by trying to actively push Mark away because she's seen how much Kieran loves him. Her selfishness here doesn't lone up with her wanting to end the Cold Peace for both faeries and shadowhunter's gain. Mark: I hate him and love him. Cassie made a good decision in making him quite the douchebag, not quite loving Kieran as much as he loves him and not caring enough about Kieran's feelings. But that makes him the most realistic of all characters: he feels regret since he's practically ditched Kieran the minute he didnt need him (I mean there's the whole "you made my brother and sister get tortured but you saved my other brother" thing which should've been Mark's excuse to himself about why he's not choosing Kieran, but he's doesn't and runs around with Cristina anyways. Interesting. Kieran: I love him to much to make any judgement. Also he's a faerie- they aren't exactly "humans" and their emotions are more 2D so... Ty: Better character compared to some others, and we now understand mildly how the twins and Kit work together as a team (since Kit needs to become one of the only people that understand Ty due to Liv's death) . Also his loyalty to family as seen by the letter to Annabel. Cassie has laid great groundwork for him. Can't wait for him to be a main character. Kit: He and Ty need potential to evolve in the next series so I'm giving them some slack. I'll do more analysis on their relationship later. Liv: She loves her brother and is curious about Kit and she's a generally more "realistic" character. Really thats it. I wish I felt tears for her death. I dont. Cassie could've developed her even more as a character, but then that would make her death more painful so. But her importance to Ty and the rest of the family is written enough that it would justify the changes that will happen due to her death. Dru: TBH Cassie could've not spread the characters out so much that we're kinda at a lost. Time spent writing about Dru could've been used on main-er characters, but Jaime needed an introduction. So did she. Looking forward to reading more about her in TWP. Diego: A character with multiple loyalties! Yay! Diana: It would've been way more influential if she had been forced by Julian to explain why she couldn't apply for the institute instead of dropping it like a "bonus" story which makes her seem like then token LGBT character. It's a great plot twist that couldn't have seemed even more forced. It's kinda sad that a brilliant character reveal was ruined Gywp: He's leader of the Wild Hunt and I know he's in love with Diana but he's not Magnus, who's always had nothing better to do than help hot shadowhunters. (Jkjk) Magnus/Alec/Jace/Clary: domestically cute and cameos that contribute to the main arcs. Now, onto the more controversial topics: THE ROMANCE Julian/Emma: This entire book is supposed to be about them balancing dealing for their love of each other with saving the world. It's written in a whiny way and not nearly enough character (If you've read the Throne of Glass series, then you'll understand- they needed the long-ass training scene between Aelin and Rowan). We never read about how they fall in love and that makes the emotions quite plastic...? It would've been fantastic to read more about how they fell in love instead of how they are insanely tortured now. It doesn't emotionally appeal to me at all. Cristina/Mark/Kieran: Words cannot express how much I fucking love this romance arc. It gives me so many feels, and half of them make me cry. I'll analyse Kierark first. When it first debuted it felt like the "token hot gay ship thats thrown in for the fangirls to get off to", but then as time passes we slowly learn how toxic this relationship really is. Kieran doesn't love anything else in this world apart from Mark, having no family, no friends to love him. Whereas with Mark, he's always been surrounded with love, with his half-brothers and sisters, Emma, Helen... etc. He doesn't understand how much he means to Kieran, and Kieran definitely loves Mark more. In the Wild Hunt, it's shown just how much Mark depended on Kieran to stay sane, which suggests, as Cristina says, that Mark owes a debt to Kieran. But it is not nearly that simple. Kieran's love for Mark is what kept him sane, and love is unconditional in most cases, including this. It is undeniable that Mark, despite him having the possibility of not being in love with Kieran when they first become lovers, due to it merely being what he needed, it is certain that Mark does feel for Kieran. Even when Kieran betrays Mark, Kieran believes it to only bring Mark back to him. I see someone so broken that they'd do anything to have their lover back, not a selfish bastard who doesn't cate about Mark at all. Kieran doesn't understand "Family", and in his defence the Blackthorns are a large enough family to survive without Mark. I'm not saying Kieran is entirely blameless, but its a totally understandable thing to want things to go back to how they used to be, and that is extremely human and ("I betcha you would have done the same"). Their love is insanely primitive and raw, and it is more of a "need" to both of them. Kieran needs someone to give him love, Mark needed someone to keep him sane. Then we move onto Mark. For some reason, the faerie-blooded characters seem to act the most human in this series. Mark is a bloody douche for stringing Kieran on, while pursuing Cristina, but then that's exactly what he craves. He needs someone to love him, in a simple way. He craves normality, and that comes in the form of Cristina, whom he finds himself attracted to, originally physical (he says he wants Cristina and that Kieran wouldn't mind: he was not emotionally attracted to Cristina. But now that he's spent time and realised how easy she is to love, he loves her). Kieran and Mark's relationship is not just sexual, or romantic, or friendship, or brotherhood- it's insanely complex and dependent and its toxic but they will never be able to remove the bond between them. They've experienced life and death together. But Mark doesn't want to be burdened by such a heavy emotional relationship anymore, and that's understandable, so he turns to Cristina. Kieran cannot bring himself to hate Cristina, since she wants the Cold Peace to end and that shows how much she cares for everyone and how she uncharacteristically wants to protect faerie rights despite being a shadowhunter. Cristina also oddly finds their relationship arousing instead of being jealous of Kieran, which leads to some of the fandom wishing for a polyamorous relationship. (Including me to an extent). On one hand Cristina could neutralise the toxicity of Kierark and also slowly teach Kieran to love other people, which would result in him not requiring the entirety of Mark's love. (Cuz currently, Kieran love mark with 100% of his heart and wants Mark to do the same. If Kieran loved other people it would be less toxic, since Mark does HAVE to share his love with his family even if Cristina is out of the picture ) On the other hand, it would be great for Kieran to find someone who will love him as much or even more than he loves them. The smol deserves more love in his life, don't you think? Also, I forgot to mention that Kieran does need to go back to the Wild Hunt, or he might become Unseelie King, and then Kierkark could actually be impossible, but I firmly believe they'll always love each other, maybe not as much as before, but they've left quite the imprint on each other's lives (The stars will go out before I forget you, Mark Blackthorn) Ty/Kit: LIKE THEY COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER SO WELL TY DOESN'T OPEN UP EASILY WHEREAS KIT DOES (he's already attached to the Blackthorns) And Kit is so much more outgoing and cool and GAH its a great ship looking SO forward to TWP. (Srsly I have so much hopes for TWP cuz in my opinion TDA is a bit of a weak arc and the only redeeming characters seem to be Mark's drama (I don't think we're going to see this in TWP I'm sad) Gwyp/Diana: super cute and deserves more love In conclusion: I love Cassandra Clare's style and how she can make character relationships insanely lovable. The fact that she always protects the characters all of us love from dying is great too. But @cassandraclare if you see this, please do consider these points made by a fangirl who is nitpicking a bit (I hope this series ends up as good as TID) for the greater good😂 (Also Diego/Kieran ain't too bad of a ship either😏😂) If you disagree with any of these, I am open to dicussions:) Just please don't blindly hate on this: all of us are entitled to opinions, you have yours and I have mine. Let's respect each other, okay?

[unapologtique2]

september 23rd 2016

baby im not happy and i havent been for a while. i'm sure you've noticed but when u asked me if im ok how am i ... i always say ok or tell u half if the reality because i havent found the works to express how i feel. and im afraid of your answer.

i dont want to hear things u've said before: if i sont like it there is the door, its never enough, i also dot hings, or i have a different percepxion.... or all the other things unsay. because they make me feel even worst. they make me feelmguilty when i know im not guilty. neither r u. its just how i feel and Imm not going to apologixe for how i feel.

i feel like shit.

i want to do things and i feel trapped in our routine. u just dont have time for a relationship ir me at all. u wake uo already tired, run to take charlie to school. work unril 3. pock hum up and take him to all the extras or do homework. have dinner at 6.30. sometimes i see u at that time sometimes later. by 9 u r so exhauseted u just want to escape. so we watch tv. no real conversations with each other. and thats our everyday.

we dont need a schedulle. i already feel lonely enough to evem spend more time away from you.

i cry every time i think of u. because all the emotions im trying to contain come out as tears. i really love u and cant see my life without u. i want to do everyrhing with u, take u to spain, marry u for real. but i cant continue like this.

im jealous of ther people. the simplest thing. to come home to each other, cook together woth a clas of wine and have dinner together. some music, sex. thats life. i dont think im asking too much but we havent done it in 5 years.  i know u have a son and i love charlie sont take me wrong but we just cant have a mormal conversation when he is around. its all about him. he inteups he walks aprund he askes queations that are non of his business, is out adult fucking conversation. he comes first and i dont eant to spend my lofe being second. i deserve better i deserve someone that looks forward to se mee and no one else. we dont wake up together. never. u say u dont want to wake me up thats bullshit. camon. did unreally got up and left to the other rook with susan or the beginning with cindy?

and when i go out u r reading the paper. barely even look at me. until u want soshaZ so u have sisha and i sit on the floor while u do bullshit on the computer and thats out everywheeken

im becomming mean and irreitable with u. im starting to dislike thinkgs u do and how u do them. i look at u and sometimes dont feel anything. im tired of always being evethtning abot u. and how loud u talk and how bossy u ae. im sick tired of sisha. and bed and tv woth u. i dont even think about sex anymore.

we r not doing good and i dont know a solution.

if we r not working out im not gonna lie about the greencard, we didnt make it. i'll leave and start somewhere else.

im at a very very low point mentally and i cant count on u. i cry almost wvery night. feel lonely and trapped and just unhappy

[techdeath]

imm so lonely i had a dream while i was napping thay my fucking bf left me and then woke up and relized its spring break and evwry kid at my school is hanging out with frienda and i sraly dont have any

[0ystercatcher]

I love it when cishet idiots message my nsfw being like "you're so hot I wanna f*ck you so bad" or just send dick pics and I go on their blogs and the first posts you see there are just "I'm so lonely" and "imm nothing" like yeah no fucking shit dude

[rokusensei]

ok so its 2.24am on the 25th of september i moved in on the 22nd of september so the saturday i spent the whole of saturday having a really awful breakdown that just sapped all my energy out and then on sunday i half continued it half messed around for a bit , went up to the store to buy some stuff i had forgotten, ate a bit and found out i need to not eat nothing because my stomach is not the way it used to be at the height of that little eating disorder as mine, sat aorund a lot. on the 24th i did all my enrolment and my induction day speeches which was a lot . doing things at university definitely is a way to stop feeling so weird and alien but it still doesnt do it that much for me... lots of students from this country came to university with their friends and they point at notice boards to names of other people, older than them, from their schools, and its like wow, awkward.,,

i had dinner with some international students though so i feel a little better about idk everyting even though i hyperanalyse the whole thing and everything i said and everything they said but its like whatever i have to force myself to let go a little bit . and one girl i met a while ago at the open day is here as well which is a huge relief just to have another face i recongise and thats about it

flatmates i havent really spoken to and i feel like a freak for not doing so but what else can ido..i just sit in my room and cry on and off so imm thankful i have internet friends even if they have to see me talking to myself about how lonely i feel and etc etc etc. and im thankful i dont live too far away from home and can visit a lot . because i need too not just because they got a cat the second i left but because im crazy and i dont feel comfortable anywhere else.. idont thik im ready to move out at all and forcing myself to this year was a leap a little too soon and im probab;y saying this early but whatever maybe if i was living by myself itd be different but sharing with flatmates i dont really know or can be comfortable around at all freaks me out so i end up avoiding them when i want to go out to the kitchen or anything and i just spend a lot of time sitting nervously in my room . le sigh. i dont know.i hope things get easier bc thatwould be epic but im not holding out for hope and i have 3 books i need to read for next week and theyre all huge (paradise lost, the pardoners tale, the bible) and its like if noting else goes well at least i can sit alone in my room and read those, think about that, spend even more time by myself, but its fine and its easy to read on the train and its easy to sit at home and read and just be in my bedroom instead of being in this weird freaky little room that im scared of

something else i should say for future me cringing down atall these old posts is when i had my breakdown on the 22nd before my parents left i was freaking out and telling my mother that i feel unsafe and paranodi and im having hallucinations etc and ik she doesnt really give a fuck theway i want hertoo nd she said shed callthe doctor and arrange an appointment for me but she probably hasnt and instead shed rather ask me over the phone why i havent gone outside yet why i havent spoken to my flatmates yet but its whatever i wanted to try and talk to the doctor when i got here just to talk to a doctor and egt some conformation that i am actually like. ill. and im not just super bad at coping with things everyone has bc i think thatd kill me but its just so hard to get towards that and its just so hard to get someone to sit down in a room with me just so i can tell them that i think whatevers going on with me is just not normal

mentor greetings tomorrow at 1pm and then it finishes at 2pm and ijm coming back to my dorm to read and sleep probably.. wednesday ihave some tours at midday.. thursday i have nothing friday i have a meeting with my personal tutor. ive been sleeping a lot these days because i feel so upset all the time and sometimes it feels like everyones a little sick of my endless breakdown but whatever im in hell and this is going to last all year probably .so i end up sleeping a lot and walking around the local streets a lot and theres a bunch of stuff on this week like freshers fairs and stuff and i want to join these unions and clubs and societies but you know its hard. theres 3 diffwrent journalism ones and id love to join one of them but its like what do i haveto say. at all. do i have anything to say. bc university is all about finding out who you are and what you want to do and etc etc etc but rly who am i. at all.

[sabrahhummus]

im just gonna spill my fucking guts out bc no one i know is on here if they do i doubt theyd care but GOD am i sad, im just so empty but i feel everything at the  same time, all the people i lov i pushed away making them not give a single fuck about me. this is the only place i can feel where i can vent let it all out and no one  will notice,bc im ashamed sharing my feeling with anyone, i fear they will give me pity and no respect. why did my brain make me push everyone away ? to the point where they dont care about me to call or ask if im okay,  they re losing trust and some dont even follow me on some of my accounts anymore, i try to not show emotion hoping it will go away. i think i shut everyone out to see if anyone would try to come back to me again, or ask if im okay and no one did. they dont care about me. it shouldnt surprise me, i shouldnt expect them to care abt me. i dont think i can last much longer, death scares me, but living an empty life w no one loving me scares me too, i want someone to lve and theres no one around. i cant expect this boy to talk to me either. im nothing of importance in anyone but my close familoes life. i lack expeirience in a lot of things . i dont matter in a large scalei feel im gonna die alone bc no one understands my head, or cares too, no one has tried for me, tried to be there, tried to care, tried to unlock me, tried to look into my mind and help me put my peices bacl together i just have to accept that. this is a mess, its a miracle im posting this, even tho no one will ever see it and ask me about it. its fine i guess. i need attention from the right people at the right time. imm so empty, so lonely. 

[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

i ogot to write the past two days so now i gotta write evn longer. anyway uhhhhhh tf happeneddd hmm i went to work after taking a couple days off after what happened and it wqas weird cause i got to hear so many bad news that day. camella, they are a sweet angel pure leo got mugged in mexico and i was so sad to hear. a lot of the pain i heard about was caused by men and like it just reinfrced the idea again that men are dangerous and most given the opprotunity wouldnt hesitate to take dvntage f woman and prey on them. like i know its not all men but its enough. what is sad but also really funny is hat when you act cautiously around men they get offended??? like wooow i would neer do anything stop acting so on edge and im like ???? i dohnt know you??? leave me a lone??? ugh anyway its been wild thinking back on the times ive been gaslighted or called crzy fr like not waiting for people and doing what i want to do? ive been caled crazy so many times for being like  ill just do it myself dont mind it. i was talking tomy coworker about it and as mucha s i didnt need valdation when moe then 3 people call you crazy for doing things a certain way its always a good thing to ask a thid party just to mak you sur you atcually arent and i was relieved to know that i wasnt6 crazy and they were just being so fucking weird and taking things too personal. anyway i was singing and dancing in my room and it just felt so good to not be rushed and wait on time and all that nonescense. no work free day i can do what i want yay i want to fill the day with a couple things to do. i have a birthchart rading tomroro nd im ecited to do this persons chart cause like !!! she’ll pay me to do it plus i love doing birth charts. i know that if i wanetd to i couold turn this into a side thing that wont make a a whole lotta mney but money cmin in is money coming in im gonn save up to buy the dj controller and really dont want to play until i have it :/ its jus no th same im really excited to do more djying but for now i gotta wait to get better equipment.  so i literally am reading 6 books at once and by am i eman im lie slowly chipping away at all the books lol. i finally inished a shrt story book yesterday and im happyn i did cause i can go bac to how i sued to be with reading. reading kept my mine sharp plus if i want to write better i gotta r5ead a lot. im gonna try my best to get into thi writihng retreat in wiashingtoh. if i can go there and write my story ill be super happy and ike my dream ash been to always ublish a book and this place is the sae place octavia butler did her r4esindency at and like yes!!!! octavia butler renewed my assion or b ooks cause she’s a blakc artist writing about aliens sciefi and fantasy. like a lot of peple dont underestand why the distinction of race is impotant in writingl. white books are witten from white persectvies soa lot of the rqasonings and choices tehse characters make don’t really fit my life. whebever id reqd these white ya books id be like well okay...if i as in that situation i’d...or like thhats so stupid why wuld she even be there... like THEY ARE BORING AND HAVE NO IMAGIATION. books written by black woman are my favourite. so octavia butler is my favourite author right now and im so sad she died in 2005 ;-; if i could have met tgis woman idk what id do her thoughtsare so amazing ;-; anyway�� i got offered a palace for like cheap t live in and i really want to move out but rn i can’t. i have debt to pay and my family is ihn a rogh patch nd need me to work and don  little supporting with the bbills aned food but once thingsa r a littl stable i would lovee to live on my own.  love my siblings but damn there is no rpivacy. plus if i ahd my own spt i could like make a sort of video shooting space for when i sned videos and lie do lighting things and liike ugh so much videos i coulds end jesus *_*  but anwyway ill hae to hold out o it until my inances a re a litl better but damn im so tempted ;-; oh well another chance will come. i finally cred tody so yay cause i been in freee mode for a bit but emotions meanws im healing so yay. once i tie some loose ends and get what i gotta get out thre i’ll feel a lot mrore bettter. i miss jesus  but like w e talkd for a bit s im super happy cause i really did miss him no matter how many people i befrend and meet his energy is my favourite. i hope heim and his famioly can make it he safey ugh imm end it here i could write forever but gt what i ha to get out for now. im gonna try to write everyda and s oftea s i can. my contribution to the aquarius age