#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

[salemlinnet]

hey everyone!

a few news items right before we start up chapter 5. firstly i just wanna say thanks to everyone who follows my comics, it's been a pleasure as always. i've been keeping a longer buffer on patreon than usual, mostly for my mental health. publishing takes a lot of energy and i've really felt it necessary to just focus on production for a few weeks. at this point, patrons have seen most of chapter 5, there's only one more scene and about a page to be drawn. the quiet has been nice, i've caught up on a lot of house keeping, though i'm obviously very excited to present it! and on house keeping,

DOMESTICATED IS NOW LIVE AT IT'S NEW HOME!

to not go into the boring details (the old domain got trapped between to hosting sites in the middle of a buyout), it's not hosted at cod-domesticated.com (rip custom url you will be missed) it will instead be hosted at salemlinnet.com/domesticated (now you live at my house like you're my son why didn't i think of this sooner). if you find any errors in the pages i am so sorry i just formatted so many buttons TTuTT it would be super helpful to me if folks could report any specific buttons that don't work if it's convenient, it's been beta tested by the discord (thank you guys so much) but i'm just a dunce and i can't be trusted so there might be errors.

the simons are all wearing a little beret this chapter is my third point of business, i am losing it over the ghost beret. oh and the devil may care is up to chapter 18, will be chapter 19 within a few days. page 21 is out for patrons.

finally, to the people lurking for thistle and spade. i've wanted to say for some time, i'm really grateful that you've stuck around while i've been too sick to work on a bigger project. if you were here to see me start production for and then pull ghost #1, the story behind it is that i sort of suddenly learned i wouldn't always be as sick as i was, that i didn't have to rush anything, and that i could produce thistle and spade in chronological order with a bit of patience. that left me with no smaller project to draw and release in the mean time, except, see, i really like this game, call of duty. i was still on bed rest when i started domesticated, and with a ton of physical therapy i've been able to draw longer and longer hours. it's trained me up to be a better comic artist than i ever was before. it's grown into a sturdier project at the same pace. it's so unlike thistle and spade, whose chapters were written and edited over years and planned to every gesture and expression. i'm just winging it with domesticated, i'm usually rewriting massive swaths of dialogue as i sketch the scenes out, i just keep throwing out ideas until it's something i'm excited to draw and present as my imaginary "what happened outside of the games" day dream land. it's reminded me what i love so much about story telling and comics. it's made me excited to see thistle and spade go live again down the road. but first i have to rebuild its website too TTuTT

all right i'll see everyone pretty soon! thanks for hanging around as usual!

[drgnflyteabox]

a little kate laswell x gn!reader drabble

-> insecurity, anxiety, hurt/comfort, relationship worries, OCD, sooooo self indulgent lmao, self-hatred, therapy, compulsive behaviors, ableist language used towards self, shame, this is literally nothing and theres no real ending so mb <3

You've been working on it. You have. The anxiety; the fear of abandonment. Kate leaves so often she's probably gone almost half the year, anyway. Your relationship isn't exactly built on physical closeness, and as the years go by you feel more and more secure.

She fits, you fit, your cat Cheddar fits. The house fits, even though it sometimes feels too big when she's gone and you're still a little afraid of being home alone.

Security's tight, babe, she's assured you a dozen times. Locks, alarms, the whole nine yards. Everything works. You're usually close to sure about that.

So, you’ve worked on recognizing which feelings are rooted in reality, and which feelings sometimes come from insecurity, or jealousy.

Sometimes, it's fear. That old braying beast in your head, muddling up reality (Kate loves you) with unreality (she hates you, your life is a lie).

You know where it comes from, but that doesn't always help. On the bad days, it even makes it worse. Something is wrong with you, really really wrong. Irredeemably wrong.

Kate's been on an op three months. Longer than usual, but you've been through it a couple times. It's a serious one, so you haven't even gotten more than the odd phone call maybe once every week and a half.

Which fucking sucks normally, but its worse when you can't seem to shake the voice in your head that says she's found someone else, that she's delaying coming home because she's sick of you.

You do have a small laugh at the one that tells you she's got a secret family – even in the state you're in that's a ridiculous thought.

Still, it doesn’t break you from your worries. You begin backsliding. Your hands chafe from washing them, your water bill climbs and climbs and climbs as a result of your compulsive showering.

Am I too dirty? You think. You feel dirty. Contaminated. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t like you anymore, doesn’t love you. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, not with your insanity.

This is the cycle.

Someone will break in. You check the locks an even number of times. But did you? Okay, shower to ‘set’ the locks now, or someone really will break in. Don’t think of Kate. She hates you. Oh, hey Cheddar. Good boy. Did you lock the doors?

You’re exhausted. You lose track of the days, working robotically at your computer, burning your nose with the scent of bleach wipes. There’s not even any real cleaning, just you compulsively wiping the same four surfaces over and over.

When the wood starts showing a little damage from the incessant wiping, you cry in the fourth shower of the day.

You lose track so badly that you’re in bed rotting when Kate gets home.

The door opens, and your heart drops with fear – fuck, it’s happening. Then you check your phone and deflate. Fuck, you think again, for a different reason.

“Baby?” Kate’s voice is clear in the empty house. It makes you think of all the dust laying around, about how you usually tidy before she arrives.

You pull the cover over your face. Shame burns your face, injects lead into your muscles.

“You home?” she calls again. Cheddar meows, probably at her feet.

That’s how she finds you. Prone, upset, eyes burning.

“Oh, baby,” she murmurs. Her weight makes you dip towards her when she crawls on the bed. “Bad day?”

You pull the blanket down.

“I’m sorry,” you say. “I meant to clean the house for you, and cook you something–”

“Hey,” she puts a finger to your lips, slipping in beside you to cradle one cheek in her rough palm, body pressed to yours.

You can’t help but lean into it despite feeling wretched, despite feeling like you’ve dirtied everything around you lately.

“I don’t need any of that, honey. I appreciate it, but I’m really just excited to see you,” she presses her mouth to your jaw. Not to entice, but to breathe you in, to feel you for the first time in months.

“But it’s awful,” you mumble. “It’s dusty, dirty, disgusting–”

She stops you again.

“Hey now, it looks fine to me,” then a frown. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

“I don’t know,” you admit. It’s the truth.

“Have you called Dr. Klein?”

“No,” finally, a tear slips down your temple. You’re confused, and angry about these feelings; why now? Why when you’ve recovered?

Kate tuts, wiping at your tear with a thumb. She climbs halfway on top of you, looking down at your face. She looks tired, which makes you feel even guiltier.

“God, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this when you’ve just gotten back.”

Her frown deepens.

“Baby,” she starts. “We take care of each other, remember? What have we talked about?”

“Asking for help is okay,” you murmur. That’s one of the worst parts about this thing you have, the obsessions. They dress themselves up as the world's worst taboos. Speak them aloud and make them not only come true, but alienate everyone around you. In high school, you’d hardly spoken for fear of accidentally revealing your anxiety.

That in and of itself had been a years-long journey to heal in therapy. With Dr. Klein, with Kate, with yourself.

“Think we better set up an appointment, huh?” she says, and there’s no judgment in her voice, no sign of hatred.

“Yeah,” you whisper. You tilt your head towards her, and feel her nose against yours.

“I missed you,” she says, breath mingling with yours.

“I missed you too,” you say back.

[genderqueerpositivity]

TW: medical/surgery talk and dysphoria

I am officially one step closer to my hysterectomy.

After nearly 10 months of effort, I have the support of my primary care doctor, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and the doctor who will be doing the procedure.

I've also gone through the pelvic exam and the transvaginal ultrasound that my doctor requires of patients seeking a hysterectomy; and to be absolutely clear, I would not have agreed to the ultrasound if it weren't a requirement for the surgery.

In spite of all of this, of course, there is still my health insurance company to convince of the necessity of the surgery. I should hopefully know more in the next week or two.

Every step of my medical transition has been blocked by some barrier at one time or another. I'm lucky to have even made it as far as I have.

This is why I want to laugh and cry when certain folks try to claim that it is too easy to medically transition. Every single step of my medical transition has been undertaken as an adult well over the age of 25, paid for with my own insurance or out of my own pocket, with the support of multiple mental health professionals along the way. And still, each step has been difficult.

I've been required to do everything from talk explicitly about my sexual experiences and physical dysphoria for my initial GID diagnosis to having a cold ultrasound wand poked and shoved around inside of my body until I bled. And still I have to do more, still it is not enough.

I want to be excited right now. And on some levels I am! I've been hoping for and looking forward to this for so long! But I am also so fucking tired, I've been so afraid all year of hitting some unnecessary roadblock and having to start this process over. And I am still so so so afraid, because I know now that this probably isn't going to get done before January 20th, and after that who knows if I'll be able to have it done at all.

Also, also? We do a massive fucking disservice to part of our community by not highlighting how difficult it is to medically transition as an AFAB person.

My hormone therapy is a controlled substance that I cannot legally stockpile in anticipation of gender affirming care bans. I was only able to begin hormone therapy in the first place because the requirement of an in person appointment for an initial prescription of a controlled substance was still waived in 2021 due to the pandemic, so I was able to see a telehealth provider. Only this year have I able to begin seeing a primary care doctor willing to take over managing my HRT.

My barriers to a hysterectomy exist both because the procedure is gender affirming care AND because of my sex assigned at birth. Having to repeatedly reassure everyone else involved in this process that I am certain that I do not want to ever experience pregnancy or childbirth is exhausting.

I think I'll be excited and extremely relieved when this is finally done. And then, then, I can finally start thinking about next steps, potentially top surgery...but that will be next, in whatever reality I find myself living in after January 20th.

It's ironically fitting that today is New Year's Eve; it's been a long year and all of this has been a long time in the works. I can only hope that I'll get to start next year off by finally getting this hysterectomy done.

[topazadine]

How I Am Kicking Agoraphobia's Ass

With a little help from Horse, of course

I have struggled with agoraphobia since 2017, when I was sexually assaulted. This is a common cause of agoraphobia, and it is more likely to develop in people who have CPTSD (ding ding guess who).

Anyway, I got so fucking sick of people telling me to "just go outside" as if it's so easy-peasy. Maybe for someone without agoraphobia, it feels seamless to stroll out to your car, but it's not so simple when your brain tells you that Bad Things happen when you leave the house. What are those Bad Things? idk, brain never told me. Just Bad Things.

I organized my life around my agoraphobia for many years; it's the reason I have a remote job. And the "just go outside" advice never, ever helped. The best I could do was leave the house with an Emotional Support Human (or dog), but rarely, if ever, alone.

Now I'm leaving the house at least four times a week! Voluntarily! ALONE! Without getting scared!

And sometimes I even spontaneously decide to leave the house and go to big events where there are dozens of people. Just because I feel like it.

This is momentous. If you have agoraphobia, you know how intense that is.

So what did I do? What can you do?

It's actually so simple and I have no idea why no one told me to do this years ago.

Schedule a regular event that is so exciting that you simply cannot afford to miss it.

Something you care about. Something that's so insanely tempting that you would walk over hot coals to do it. Think about something you used to care about before you became housebound, or something you've always wanted to try. For me, it was (and still is) horseback riding.

But! It must meet these conditions:

It has to happen on a regular basis at a scheduled time. Say, 6 pm every Friday. If it's just "whenever" or "once every few months," you probably won't agree to go to it every time.

There has to be a cost to missing it so your Sunk Cost Theory is triggered. Ideally, there will be multiple costs: that could be disappointing someone who has agreed to go with you every time, and that you have already prepaid for it so you'd lose money.

It has to be something that makes you happy and is just for you, not an obligation. So, therapy doesn't count. Going to the gym also doesn't count if you feel like you have to do it for social reasons or health reasons.

If you want to make this an ironclad thing, it should ideally meet these conditions too:

You learn something while there, which develops a sense of efficacy and confidence.

It's a social activity where you will make friends.

It is a physical activity that releases endorphins. (Again, pick something fun, not just going to the gym if it's not fun for you.)

There are no costs to failing. If I screw up at horseback riding or rock climbing, I'm not going to miss out on a promotion or whatever. I might be mad at myself, but I don't really lose anything by not doing it.

It has an indefinite end date; ie, this is something you could theoretically do every week forever if you want to. So if it's a class you want to take, make sure it's one where you can sign up for more classes if you feel like it.

So how do you find your thing??

Think back to a time before you suffered from agoraphobia. Might be hard if you've struggled with it for most of your life, but you might have glimmers of what you liked before.

What did you enjoy doing, or what did you want to do but couldn't? For me, I got to horseback ride as a little kid but then had to stop for money reasons. Now I can afford to do it because I'm an adult with my own adult money.

Find classes or groups in your area that cater to Thing. If they don't exist or are out of your budget, go back to the drawing board and workshop a new Thing.

Sign up for the class ahead of time. Pick a time that is within the next two weeks but preferably within the next week so you have time to prepare yourself.

If it's a paid class, pay your deposit before you get there.

Tell people you are going - as many people as you can. Now you have social and financial pressure that will make you commit.

Now, the most important part.

Research the particular place you will be going during the time between when you sign up and when you go. Learn what to expect when you get there.

Read reviews. Look at pictures online. Analyze the Google Street View. Practice driving or walking there with directions.

If you're trying a new activity, read up on it. Get beginner tips for what to expect in your first session. Watch videos of other people doing it, and read other peoples' experiences trying it out. Visualize what it will feel like to be there and what you will be doing.

This is mental rehearsal and it makes it less scary to actually step into the place for the first time. You will feel more confident when you arrive because you know what you are doing, where you are going, and what to expect as soon as you arrive.

The climbing gym I go to had a "What to Expect On Your First Visit" page that helped me a lot, and then I watched a lot of rock climbing videos and learned about the techniques so I wouldn't feel stupid. I even looked up what climbing shoes look like and how harnesses feel so I wasn't scared when I put them on.

I can't promise it will help you, but I encourage you to give it a try.

Having something to look forward on a regular basis will make it less and less scary to leave the house because, after a while, you won't even think about how unnerving the transition from Safe Space to Unsafe Space is. More and more places will become Safe, and less places will become Unsafe (within reason).

The route you take will become familiar, as will what to expect when you get there. You'll be able to practice and perfect the technique of psyching yourself up to leave home until you no longer need to; it becomes automatic.

And, most importantly, you'll see that your home isn't the only place in the world where you can exist comfortably. Everything's out there waiting for you, and you deserve to be there, too!

[hebuiltfive]

Little rant and brain dump post re: mental health + anxiety* under the cut bc this is one of my only safe spaces to do this (and I think it'll help to just go blaaaaahhhhh into this data ether.) * will try to tag for triggers but I keep seeing conflicting posts about how to do those sort of tags so I'm sorry if it's wrong

Normal programming will resume after this short break. Going to make that one the tag for all future brain dump posts I think.

This time next week I'll have made another big, scary step towards "getting better" (which is typed liked that because I hate that phrase) but I don't know how I'm going to cope or what I'm going to be like on the other side of it.

I'm hoping I'm just overthinking (as usual) but what if it kinda breaks me? I don't think it would; nothing so far has, so why would this be different? I think it's just the anxiety trying to play mind games, but it's still really exhausting and is sucking up any excitement I might have which isn't fun.

I am still excited for everything that could come with this, and I know that it will be a safe place but... I'm still questioning whether I'm ready. Which is ridiculous - I'll never be "ready". I can't even say "prepared" because I've had 5 weeks (incl. this upcoming week) to get myself mentally psyched up, so I'm definitely that.

The worst thing is I don't even feel like I can properly talk about it because it is so trivial (hence the rant and brain dump post - at least I can get this out of my system). I've written down everything that's making me feel anxious about next weekend, and it does help to visualise the words, but it also helps reinforce the idea that it's all dumb and that I should just get over it. It's been 5 years (of this really bad stint); 10 since I was diagnosed; 15+ since it began being a problem for me.

I'm just tired, at this point. Tired of not being able to just do the things that used to bring me joy without either hating every second because ✨lurking panic✨, or because it kills me off mentally (sometimes physically) for about a week or two afterwards.

I have this little picture of little me by my bed. She's been there since I did therapy 4 years ago. I put her there so I could do some inner child work but now I look at her and just think how badly I'm letting her down. She had such hope and promise for the future and I feel like I fucked it up so badly.

[uwurakax]

thank you tiktok for this thought, you are very much appreciated 💕

(obviously had to stick w my man bc like who else am i gonna be down bad for as much as him ykyk?)

but thinking about villain!oikawa and hero!reader:

you and oikawa at always at each others throats, basically the physical embodiment of "fighting like cats and dogs". he alludes you at every turn, laughing at your incompetence.

"is this who they send? how pitiful, don't make me laugh!"

yet despite how at odds you are with him, and regardless of how injured or hurt you get due to his antics, you're never really in any life threatening danger - at least not when he knows you can save yourself.

you hadn't fully recovered the last time you fought, body aching and still a bit sluggish, no where near how you would normally be on your rendezvous with him.

it doesn't take long for you to, in layman's terms, get your ass kicked. hauled through concrete walls of a decaying building, you find yourself trapped under the rubble. too exhausted and drained to move. in your peak physicality, you would've been able to. it doesn't take long for the already broken building to start crumbling down, and no matter how much you want to live, you've known your entire life this was a possibility.

dying a heroic death, fighting against evil seemed honourable.

so you close your eyes and resign yourself to fate...

until he shows up and in a blink of an eye, saves you.

you didn't know what to do after that, constantly thinking about why oikawa decided to save you from impending doom. the opportunity to dispose of his arch-nemesis and get away with, well anything he wanted, and yet...

you decide to lay low for a while, not only needing to start recovery, once again, but to take a break from.. well.. everything.

'it'll be nice to be normal for once, in forever' you think to yourself.

so after resting for a week, you head off for some much needed retail therapy. clothes, shoes, bags, jewellery. you hadn't treated yourself in such a long time, and being a hero sure had its perks; i.e the massive paycheck you receive.

you've already shopped for a little over an hour before a certain store catches your eye. mainly the mannequin wearing a beautiful satin blue, drawstring dress. you head inside, eager to at least try it on. it looked so beautiful in the window display after all!

you found the dress in your size on the rack rather quickly, practically skipping to the change rooms.

who knows, maybe you'd get lucky; your friends always did try to hassle you into going out with them, so who knows?

it didn't take long before the dress sat on your figure, hugging your curves in all the right places. but then the issues arose.

'it's way too short!' you tried pushing the dress down to no avail.

'it's too tight up on the chest' you tried adjusting and pulling on the straps, but it didn't make a difference.

you were grumbling to yourself, upset that you got excited over a dud.

taking one last look in the mirror, you turned around and you knew you definitely couldn't wear this out in public at all. the backside was shorter than the front which was awful, and you didn't realise how much of your back was exposed.

at least you tried it on, but this outfit was much too sexy for your taste.

you were about to take off the dress, hand on one of the sleeves before you heard the speaker in the store go off,

"go outside, now. or i'll blow up this entire street kay?~"

you could recognise his voice anywhere. what the hell was he doing here?! how did he even-?!

you were on autopilot, grabbing a hold of your oversized jumper to cover yourself. you had to hurry before he hurt anyone!

you were running out of the dressing room, attempting to put the jumper on before you heard the speaker go off again

"nuh uh, don't you dare put that on~"

[thelikesofus]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by the wonderful @thekristen999, @spotsandsocks, and @hippolotamus xx

How many works do you have on ao3? 49

What's your total ao3 word count?

156,649 which seems crazy omg

What fandoms do you write for?

Currently 9-1-1

Previously: Fairy Tail, Akagami no Shirayukihime, and some rpf for K-Pop bands

Top five fics by kudos:

Words Fall Short (Tongue Tied and Lonely) 15k words

Buck misoverhears Eddie complaining to Hen at work and presumes the worst. He slowly starts to phase himself out of Eddie's life and Eddie doesn't know why.

you are my boy, buckaroo 1.7k words

Buck is in the wrong place at the wrong time and Athena comes to the rescue.

Lazy Sunday (Lay With Me) 1.2k words

A quiet, cuddly Sunday morning between Buck and Eddie on the Diaz couch.

ring the bells 5.3k words - Buddie CoffeeShop AU

Buck starts frequenting a coffee shop near the firehouse in hopes of running into the beautiful man whose coffee he mistakenly drank.

Wine (Whine) 1.5k words

Buck makes plans without Eddie so Eddie goes to Karen for wine and a whine and then comes home to Buck.

Do you respond to comments? Yes! I try to! I usually reply to some the same day I post a fic and then go back and reply to the rest a few weeks later. But every comment is so important to me <3

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I am incapable of not writing happy endings haha but the angstiest content in a fic was probably in lightning crashes seeing as Buck literally died right in front of Eddie's eyes, more than once.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Crushes, Shivers and Bruised Knuckles has a super cute sappy ending <3

Do you get hate on fics?

Not often, I've had the odd snide comment but so far I've been pretty lucky.

Do you write smut? Nope. Just not my writing vibe.

Craziest crossover:

Haven't written any crossover fics yet but i've been dipping my toes into AUs a bit more recently.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Years ago yes sort of, I had a fic reposted to another website without my permission but still credited to me.

Have you ever had a fic translated? No, not yet.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not published, but the lovely @lilbuddie and I have played around with some ideas before.

All time favourite ship? Buddie, they have taken me over body and soul. Never has a ship inspired me to write so many fics.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a few WIPs from other fandoms (not 911) that I abandoned a long time ago and now the source material has changed too much for the fics to make sense to finish which is sad cos some of them I was really excited about (RIP the Australian Adoption Adventure fic).

What are your writing strengths?

Descriptions, particularly of physical intamicy/tactile situations cos I'm hyper aware of where everyone's limbs are at all times. I think I'm pretty good at getting character's verbal tone right too.

What are your writing weaknesses? Other than finishing WIPs?? Long fics, honestly. I have so many ideas but find it really hard to plot out and execute long form fics.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? Character specific I think.

First fandom you wrote in? Fairy Tail

Favourite fic you've written? I have some new WIPs coming soon that I think will take the title but here's some current favs:

9-1-1:

Crushes, Shivers and Bruised Knuckles 9k words

Eddie starts kickboxing, goes to therapy and realizes he's in love with Buck.

lightning crashes 9.7k words

Eddie is thrown from the ladder truck during a lightning storm on a call but it is Buck who ends up in the hospital.

Not 9-1-1:

Hindsight (Through Rose Tinted Glasses) - Stray Kids (8.6k)

Hearts Beat (Louder Than Bombs) - NCT War AU (25k ongoing)

Tagging a few lovely mutuals who might like to share:

@loserdiaz @shortsighted-owl @sibylsleaves @monsterrae1 @spaceprincessem @elvensorceress @bekkachaos and anyone else who wants to tag me in their version of this! I love hear about people's writing xx

[theprodigypenguin]

Oh my god. Okay. I know it's been a thousand years since I've been around so I'm going to just give a quick summary of why (in case people have been wondering and don't follow my instagram). So the end of the year was BAD. Without too many unnecessary details, I ended up moving three times within four months.

The first place I moved to was the family home (been in my family for almost 50 years, my great grandfather built it). My uncle sold that house so I had to move out in December. The next couple weeks I was with my gma and it was very toxic and I didn't feel safe. It was bad. But a few weeks ago I finally found a place for myself and recently moved in.

I don't have wifi at home yet since I spent every penny just to get the place, but I'm somewhere safe and permanent now, and I'm in a headspace where I'm excited to come back to enjoy Fandom in general.

I'm on new meds and seeing a therapist weekly (she's fucking awesome, yall). I'm starting emdr therapy next Friday, which is supposed to target specific traumas, that's gonna be an interesting experience.

Anyway, mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, I was very very not well, but I'm back now, and I'll be around more regularly once wifi is hooked up at my new place.

You can see more updates on that on my Instagram.

Anyway that's the cliff notes version. Kotatsu is doing very well, I know yall were mostly worried about her.

Anyway I missed it here and I can't wait to get back to screaming over sabo cuz yes I am still feral about him nothing has changed. Much love 🫰

[fireheartedpup]

I think my birthday has become a trigger for me. There's no one to invite. It's nice that my parents still want to go all out, but I don't know what to tell mom because I don't want to do anything.

No one here cares about the pandemic and I'm not even sure how much to care anymore because they stopped caring when it was still in full swing. I haven't gotten covid even though I haven't avoided my family, who stopped taking precautions a few months in and think masking is stupid, so what have I even been doing? Has it done anything at all?

I'm still happy that I haven't gotten sick other the built in body issues in... how long has it been? Five fucking years? But I miss feeling normal.

I don't want to live here and I don't want to do this and I don't know what to do even when I know what to do. The only thing that really motivates me is being angry. I hate being angry.

I don't want to live in this reality and I don't have enough money to move and whenever anyone tries to change things here, they're met with a bunch of people saying you can't change things here because we haven't changed things here so you can't change things here.

I think my dog deserves better and I don't have enough money to pay off my debt, much less a specialist. She's not neglected or anything I just have higher standards now. I'm probably still alive because of her. If I die, no one will know for days. Maybe a week or more. No one's coming to check on me.

Mom might come eventually but mom comes sporadically because she tries to give me space. I flip between wanting to cut my parents out entirely and just wanting to see them. They're still conservative and I can never trust them the same way again, but they've supported me the entire time.

I did beg for some of it. But they have supported me.

Dad's cranky because prices are going up and he didn't plan on supporting me this long and he's in the same position I am. I inherited the no friends disease. I'm fucking pedigreed in mental illness. He likes drinking wine even though eating makes him throw up now. He doesn't want to see a normal doctor.

His mom has had many cancerous growths removed. I should probably get ready to deal with his stuff.

Mom clearly wants to leave and doesn't feel she can. It's tough when being with someone makes your life harder, but you can see them actively getting better. I think it's one reason she wants to keep her flight attendant job even though she's becoming less and less physically able. She can just pick up and leave whenever she wants.

I feel stupid and useless for not earning enough by now. I know that's not entirely realistic because I read it takes two years to get over an abusive environment and it's only been one. My parents love me, but living in that house put me in fight or flight mode every time I went to the kitchen.

I feel paralyzed and when I try to look up jobs I want to break down entirely. I've made half-hearted attempts to build my own thing but it feels like I'm never able to pick the right thing, that I'll always burn out, that I can never tell what's going to work, that every thing I'm actually excited about is doomed to fail.

Sometimes I don't even want to support people because it feels like my support is the death knell for their cause.

I'm trying to restructure my thinking. I spend almost all of my time doing that. It's difficult to escape the social media whirlpool when social media is so attached to so many different forms of monetary income these days.

I thought I could get free therapy with my insurance so I could bounce this off of a therapist instead of tumblr or a random person but I'm not sure anymore so I gave up.

I feel like I'm overwhelmingly tired and negative and hurt and angry and that no one should have to deal with that.

I'm trying to make friends with my neighbors, but either I don't text back in enough time or they just don't respond. I don't know why or where or when it goes wrong. I start avoiding everyone because I'm waiting for it to go wrong.

I want to get on medication but I just saw that thing about the autistic licenses in MY state. The government doesn't want me. They don't even want me to exist. I don't want to give them the option of using it against me in any way.

It's very hard to get myself out of a spiral. I should probably look into ocd help a bit more. I don't know if that's me or if this is an offshoot of something else, but either way it's connected.

The recent blog thing has just reinforced me feeling stupid and isolated. I'm very grateful for the people who've been here for me. I don't want anyone to ever feel obligated to support me. But I'm having a really hard time.

And it feels stupid to be having a hard time. I have more than most.

I want to live in a different reality.

[crowandthefics]

Leslie’s slow decline into madness

A Toa fic

All parts!

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

Hi, my names Leslie papadopoulos. My favorite jolly rancher color is red, I love mythomagic, and my brothers identity was stolen by a god.

Pretty wild, right? On my 14th birthday my brother, Lester went out and didn’t come back. I remember it well:

“Be back by 3 Lester, you wouldn’t wanna miss your sisters party,” Mom says, as Lester opened the door

“don’t worry mom! I’ll be back in time.” Lester huffs as he steps out.

Lester didn’t come back that day, or any other day. I spent the whole party saying

“I’m not doing that till Lester’s back!”

It was a rather sad party as you can imagine.

My mom made me blow out my candles before all my friends left. by then I had already figured out Lester wasn’t coming back any time soon.

My wish as I blew out my candles was for Lester to come home but the next time I would see him wouldn’t be for a long time.

Well, I never actually SAW him again, but one day he was on twitter for doing something stupid. I don’t even remember what, I just remember going to my mom all excited, and very scared because my brother was alive! And all the way in the way in LA… why was he there instead of at home? Why did he leave on my birthday? I thought we were close?

I cried that night.

Chapter two

I spent the weekend after my birthday crying. But alas I had to return to school on Monday.

I hardly payed much attention in class, how could I? My brother was gone! Why am I supposed to pretend like everything’s fine?

He was declared missing and I started believing he was dead if it wasn’t for all the images of him circling the internet.

Over the weeks my friends decided that I was to much work to be friends with. I don’t blame them, but it will always hurt.

I didn’t really make any new friends per say but this senior, Percy Jackson hung out with me. He could relate to losing people so he understood my pain as well as anyone could.

We weren’t friends but he shared my lunch period and didn’t have anyone else to sit with and neither did I. sometimes he shared his cookies with me!

The months were a blur. I didn’t know what to do so I retreated into fantasy. I already liked mythomagic but now it was my sole coping mechanism. As a result I started reading about the Greek gods.

Funny ain’t it? My brother was taken by the Greek gods and what did I hyper fixate on to escape reality? The Greek gods.

I collected every card and figure and knickknack that mythomagic made. It was all I could do to not to break down.

Then I started seeing things.

Chapter three

I started seeing things. The birds were huge monsters, a dog running down the street could look like hellhounds from my mythomagic cards, I saw teenagers holding swords.

I tried to ignore it for so long, what was I supposed to say?

“Hey mom that kid over there has a sword on his belt!”

Hell no, they’d put me in a mental hospital I’m sure!

…and my parents already lost a child, I can’t make them live with a mentally unstable child.

So I pretend everything’s normal. I don’t see weird things and I’m not breaking apart. But I learned quickly, it’s hard to hide that stuff.

“Leslie! Leslie, are you listening to me?” My mom asked frantically.

I had started crying in the living room, I couldn’t handle all the stress anymore. My brother was missing, I’m failing my classes, and on top of that I’m hallucinating now!

“I want Lester back!” I say through tears.

The rest of that night is spent like that, I wouldn’t listen to reason at.

The next week my parents put me in therapy at the first place they could find. I like to say it helped, all I really did was talk about Lester though. By this point he’d been gone for four months.

It wasn’t long after I started talking about seeing things that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I thought I had things figured out on that until one of the ‘hallucinations’ attacked me, like physically hurt me.

I was out for a walk, my therapist told me getting outside more might help.

I fell to the ground before I could think or react. I couldn’t see the monster so I didn’t know what it was, all I could do was scream.

Then there was just dust and an arrow. A girl with green hair walked up and retrieved her arrow. She looked at me and shook her head, muttering something to herself before telling me: “you should get as far from downtown as you can.”

I didn’t ask questions. I got up and left.

What? Did you expect that I’d stay and find out what was going on? Hell no when straight home and pretended nothing happened, I told my mom I fell to explain any injuries. Apparently the rest of everywhere did to because I saw nothing online about monsters or archers in downtown New York.

It was calm for a while. Until mid June.

Chapter 4

Mid June. They found his body near the Empire State Building.

It was red and brunt, painful brunt. My brother had burned to his death.

He wasn’t crispy the way you’d expect from someone who burned to death, no, he was bright red, red like a cherry jolly rancher.

It confused people. He evenly brunt all over, how was the burn so uniform? It was mystery. A mystery I didn’t want to think about.

My mother tried to calm me down, I was screaming and crying. She offered my what was supposed to be my favorite candy, a red jolly rancher.

“Red red red red no that’s what Lester looked like!” I had cried

Red used to be my favorite color, now I can’t look it and not cry.

I tried to stay calm, I really did! But I couldn’t, my brother, Lester, my dumbass brother who played piano and was late to everything and used to think you eat sunscreen was dead and I wanted him back.

All I could do was sob, my father pulled me away from the scene and took me home. My mom stayed to handle things.

I sat in the center of Lester’s room, just talking as if to him.

“Hey Lester did you know that though Demeter has the worst attack power she has the unrivaled defense?”

“Lester Lester will you play Mary had a little lamb?”

“I’m boreddd Lester… I miss you”

It helped calm me down in the afterwards. His funeral would be the next week but I wasn’t ready to see him again.

Until then, I talk to the walls.

Chapter 5

I stare out the car window on the way to the funeral.

It wasn’t raining, it was bright and sunny. Lester would’ve been sad to know his funeral was on a sunny day. He always wanted a funeral in the rain, for dramatic effect.

At the funeral home I saw way more people than I expected. People I never met.

I was anxious around the people but I tried not to pay attention. Instead eating strawberries. They had been Lester’s favorite snack so we had tons of them.

I ended up talking to one of the people who I didn’t know. He introduced himself as lyre.

“I’m sorry about the loss of your brother,” lyre said, he looked almost guilty. I wondered why.

“No, don’t apologize. You didn’t kill him.” I slightly laughed. Coping with dark humor.

Lyre glanced around nervously before laughing as well, he looked rather awkward.

“Well, still. I hope you’ve been holding up alright,” lyre responded.

“Does talking to walls count as alright?” I ask, to which lyre only shrugs.

The conversation ended there. I felt a bit weird about lyre but I just moved on, I felt weird about a lot of things right now.

I talked to a lot of people who I didn’t know. A set of siblings: will, Austin and Kayla. They were sweet, but Kayla looked familiar to me and I couldn’t figure it out. I ignored that weird feeling too.

I talked about the concept of death with someone named Nico. He was actually really helpful and helped me calm down even in the slightest. “Death happens eventually to everyone. I know it’s so cliche, but it’s gonna be ok eventually. I know how it feels to lose a sibling.”

He also played Mythomagic to so we talked about that for a while. It was something I understood like the back of my hand and it helped to talk about something I understood.

There was a little girl, said her name was Meg. She put a hyacinth on Lester and gave me a potted plant; “so you won’t be as lonely, it can’t replace your brother but it’s something at least!” She told me. It was also a hyacinth.

I held that plant the whole day.

I certainly watered it with my tears.

I can’t remember his service, I just know I cried the whole thing.

I had written out a poem he liked and placed it in his coffin along with my mythomagic figure of his favorite god, Hermes. He liked him because tricks and pranks and shenanigans were some of his favorite things.

At the graveyard I helped shovel the dirt over the coffin.

Staring at his grave I broke down again. Seeing his name in stone made it real.

Long after the funeral was over I sat talking to the grave. As if having a conversation.

Then lyre was there, He just appeared.

“Oh- uhm- sorry hi.” I scrambled to form coherent sentences.

Lyre just sat next to me. After a few minutes of awkward silence he started talking: “I am responsible for his death.” He said.

I blink, “what?”

“Earlier you said not to apologize because it wasn’t my fault, but it was. My name isn’t Lyre, my name is Apollo, and I am responsible for the death of lester.” He took a breath. “I don’t usually tell Mortals about the world of gods, but your life was ruined by it so you are owed an explanation.”

I stare at her. “Explain,” I say sharply.

“I am the god Apollo. I’m sure you know what that means from your little card game-“ I cut her off, “mythomagic.”

“-yes that. How do I put this… I recently went through ‘trials’ of sorts, my father, Zeus made me mortal in the body of Lester papadopoulos. Which is why he disappeared and eventually died. When I ascended to Olympus I can only assume his body couldn’t handle the amount of divine power and burnt to his death. So, young Leslie, I can do nothing but apologize to you,” lyre- Apollo explained to me.

“… with all the weird monsters I’ve been seeing I can’t even say I don’t believe you,” I say, dumbfounded.

Apollo sighs. “If I could bring Lester back, I would, but I can’t.” He takes a breath. “I must be leaving now, goodbye, Leslie papadopoulos.” And he disappears in a puff of gold.

I was mad. Horribly mad. I look at my brothers grave. “Lester. I will make sure he doesn’t just- just move on without caring about what. I swear that to you. I love you.” I hug his grave.

And thus begins my insanity.

Chapter 6

I’m tired. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I curse the heavens but there’s nothing I can do.

I hate the sun, I hate archery, I hate music- I hate everything Apollo stands for!

I tore apart my Apollo card, I tore a lot of my Mythomagic cards. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was scared and tired and angry, so angry.

Once I came to my senses I shoved the rest of my set in a box into the closet.

I went to my brothers grave so often. One day I was just talking to him in ramblings.

“Ya know what if I summoned Satan? Maybe if I do that I can trade my soul and everything will be fixed.” I laughed, leaned on his grave.

“How hard is it to kill god, do you think?” I asked him.

Things went just like that til I met Anne. Anne was a child of Apollo as she said.

“I fought against the gods in a war a few years back. The second titan war.” She explained to me.

Most importantly about Anne, she was willing to help me make sure Apollo never forgot what happened to Lester.

Anne and I became good friends quickly. And by August we had our plan.

Then, Anne and my plans were found out by a god.

Anne was killed by the gods.

I tore up the paper plans and sunk them in the water. I deleted any digital plans.

I removed all evidence of Anne from my life. I pretended none of that ever happened.

I decided I’d move on from the mess that has happened the last 9 months of my life. I had school to finish, I could make my life a life again.

But things could never be how I wanted them anymore.

My name is Leslie papadopoulos. I hate the color red, my Mythomagic set is long forgotten in a closet and my brother was killed by the gods.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

[doctormage]

sorry i need to complain rly quick

ok so i went to the derby thing monday and in a nutshell it was awful solely bc i literally could not stay upright on my skates. im a severe asthmatic so i have to take albuterol before exercise and sometimes it makes me shaky, but this time my legs were like, completely and genuinely useless

everyone there was SO nice and only cared that i didnt hurt myself but im still really fucking embarrassed bc like. i make a point to exercise my legs every single day. at bare minimum i do squats and calf raises EVERY SINGLE DAY and have been for MONTHS bc of physical therapy. those two exercises particularly help keep my ankle and foot mobile so i make sure to do them, at least 30 of each, DAILY!!!!!!!!! my quads are fucking great!!!!!

so im like. alright. very cool and normal that the medication thats supposed to help me breathe is preventing me from even skating 3 feet in any direction, also very cool and awesome that people are gonna think its bc i have zero lower body strength (when in fact that is the ONLY place i have any strength!) bc my legs are like jello rn

(on top of this i was just so anxious and awkward and all this immediately brought up countless childhood memories of my gym teachers openly bullying me in front of my entire class bc i - severe asthmatic who was even worse as a child - wasn't going "fast enough" or "trying hard enough" or whatever. and also generally like the shittiness of not being able to play w your friends or whatever as a kid bc your lungs dont fucking work. so the frustration over this one thing just opened a can of worms that had been marinating for the last 26 years of my life)

(additionally i have placed a LOT on this mentally bc it's my attempt at like cultivating a hobby that involves other people and forcing myself to make friends that live in the same city as me. i've wanted to do this for over a YEAR, i was so excited after i got cleared by my physical therapist, and i also had a cold last week and was frantically doing everything i could to be better again before monday so it was just!!! a lot!!!) (i was better btw and not contagious. still wore a mask to the rink in case i coughed rly gross or smth tho)

i also thought maybe its bc my knees hyperextend REALLY really bad just like in my normal posture so my center of gravity is always all fucked. so on top of my shaky ass legs im trying to combat the entire way my body holds itself and has ALWAYS held itself, while attempting to maintain balance on wheels, and not default to What I Literally Always Do Subconsciously Because That's How My Legs Work. anyway

yesterday it was rainy so i couldnt skate but today i put my skates on and im like. completely fucking fine. not trembling at all, totally capable of remaining upright, maintaining proper form, skating around, everything, even with my fucked up backwards knees. what the hell and fuck

on monday i'd borrowed skates from the rink bc i didnt want to be the only one in new-looking non-derby skates (which i wouldnt have been anyway) so i guess it could be because their skates didnt really fit me right or they're flat and my skates have a heel but like????? why???????? why am i fine now ???????????????????

we have practice again tomorrow and i will ABSOLUTELY be wearing my own skates idgaf how stupid they look i am not putting myself in that position again. i NEED people to know i have functional legs ;_;

[060119]

230525

i've rewritten this about a million times but after 6 months, another masquerade party, a really big crashout and a conversation with his new girlfriend. i am ready to talk about how it ended

i could talk about how nice it was when we were together, there were truly barely any faults. but i want to move on and leave all of that behind so instead i will be talking about my dog dying in august.

i take a long time to process any feelings and emotions, so when my mom called me to let me know they put our dog of almost 14 years old to sleep, i didn't know what to do with myself or how to talk about it. he was my only emotional support in my family, so the grief cut deep. when she called it was 2 days before his 14th birthday, and half an hour before i would leave to go on vacation with some of my friends. he was there to hold me though. but i bottle my grief away with distractions, and the vacation was a great way of doing that.

but those who know you so well, will see right through you. and i couldn't allow it to let people worry about me, so i subconsciously started pushing him away. it went better in the one month between my vacation and me going to england. but then i was in england. we said goodbye on the train platform, i didn't want him to waste his money by bringing me to schiphol. i didn't want him to waste his money by visiting me in england at some point. he had been dealing with anxiety for almost a year at that point, so i wanted him to save his money to go to therapy.

overwhelmed, lost and lonely in england. i subconsciously pushed him away again, not realising i didnt want him to worry about me. how can you explain to someone that maybe this experience isn't what you thought it was, after he spent several months worrying that you would find another there and break up with him instead of being excited for you. between only being able to call for once a week and feeling so disconnected, i spiraled down thinking i didn't love him anymore or something. i mean why else would i push him away right?? he had said before that he never breaks up with someone, so i knew he would stay even if i treated him badly, which he didn't deserve.

at my lizzy mcalpine concert, she sang the song staying with the line "hold me until someone sends me a sign". later that concert she sang over-the-ocean-call as a suprise song, which is breaking up over a phonecall because youre long distance. safe to say this made me spiral down to a conclusion and led me absolutely bawling in my hotel room (and at the concert ngl) breaking up with him felt like i was ripping my own heart out. my heart was physical pain whenever i would think about it. but i was hurting him with my behaviour, i was scared he would stop being sober after the break up, i was scared what would happen to him. because he said i was the one good thing in his life, that he was desperately clinging on to. maybe suffocating me a little bit in the process

instead he was sad for two weeks and then felt happiness again for the first time in a year.

my weeks after the break up in england were honestly not as devastating as before. it was easy to ignore his existence if i only got reminded by the ben & jerry's in the frozen aile or on the rare occasion post malone would play in a store. did i still think about him every day? yes, haven't had a single day without that yet. i did my classic break up thing, which is seeking attention from anyone who would give it to me 💀 apologies for being so messy for those involved, didn't meant to hurt you too but you were very kind about it all.

we had no contact. he send me a couple of voice messages the days after, and then that stopped. we both knew that being in contact with an ex just makes it messier, so we didnt. we wanted the best for the other. and so, when i landed back in the netherlands on february 1st. tired and anxious and awkward. standing in front of his building, with my parents in their car behind me. the first thing i saw of our city again, was him. giving me my keys and some of my things back. my appartment was warm and felt like summer, as if i just came home from the supermarket in august. his pictures on my wall, the notes and the little table. it hit me then, the sadness and the longing of it all. his ghost made out of memories started to haunt me, if i would turn around he would be on the couch right? in my bedroom? turn his keys in the door? I knew coming back from england would be different, but it felt as if my whole life had changed.

the second time i spoke to him, it was two weeks later. i had seen him in class, i didn't know what to do with myself. i was in a class with people who either didn't know me, or only knew me as his girlfriend. this time i gave back his stuff, some cds, a shirt we drew on two years ago and my favourite picture of him that i had printed out to take with me to england. it was awkward, again, of course. but it was nice to see him.

until he said that he was dating his friend, his classmate, my now classmate. a couple of minutes before our class would start. if life had a soundtrack, that moment would be a beat drop.

so of course fate decided to put me and him in a group together, after i spent the whole class staring at the ground in confusion and anger while they sat behind me. as i said, I'm really slow at processing emotions. so this lead to two weeks of crashing out and confusion. i was wondering if he cheated until we talked two weeks later for two hours after that shared class. he told me that he was happy now. that it only took him two weeks. that they started talking when they went to vienna, three weeks after the break up.

i thought that talk meant i could put it all behind me. but seeing your ex, and his new girl at least once or twice a week is like ripping the band aid off again and again. in march i realised it was my avoidant attachment that lead to the break up. which then made me spiral into guilt, but i couldn't regret the break up because he's happier right? the last few weeks have been going back and forth between every single emotions under the sun. from sadness, to guilt, to anger, to missing him, to wanting him back, to never wanting to speak to him again. i have been going through it, and now I'm so sick of being sad and thinking about him. get him out my head!!

last week i talked to him alone again, purely accidental. we both went to the walk in tilburg, and ended up alone in the train. besides our usual catching up that we did, which we also do in class now. i asked him how is relationship is going. he said good. "it's different, I'm a lot more confident than last year." so i told him that i was going to unfollow him on some social media, that i take a long time to get over anything. breaking my own heart (again) to move on

yesterday i talked to his gf, she asked me to talk, because she has been feeling guilty. i told her that my feelings are not her responsibility or her fault. i may have also told her (and him) that we're very similar, which is true. we're friends now, as far as friends go in this weird awkward situation. it would be nicer if all three of us were a bit more mean, but we only want the best for each other.

last masquerade party, 2.5 years ago, i met him outside for the first time around 12:30 am. yesterday i spent 12:30 am dancing with two of my best friends. having the time of my life. i am forcefully shutting this chapter. I've written enough pages about it. and yes, i will be angry for a while. why couldn't he be confident and live his life with me? did he just replace me with the first girl that is similar to me? how much did he love me if he moved on so fast? but the anger will lessen, and I'll keep our relationship in a snowglobe of memories. after all the person i loved doesn't exist anymore, and the person he loved doesn't either. we spun in and out of each others life at the exact right moment. so i will cherish it, and i will look with excitment to the future. even if i need to remind myself of that a million times :)

[whoamitosay13]

To the world we dream about, and the one we live in now. 🌹

I used to write in a journal every day as a teenager. The early 2000s were an exciting time in history, but a dark time for me mentally. As with most teenage girls, I was going through a lot of changes and having a lot of new and terrifying feelings. Also around this time, the craze of online social platforms was just beginning. AOL chatrooms turned into blogging turned into Myspace and Facebook. Suddenly there was this whole world out there filled with people who colored outside the lines of my smalltown red state community, and who understood me on a level that very few people in real life ever had. Writing out my feelings for several real life and online friends to see every day sounds like it would be theraputic, but to the best of my recollection, I used that journal more to complain and be dramatic than I ever used it to do any kind of processing. Instead I became obsessed with tailoring my online life to curate reactions from other people. Looking back, this was the beginning of my slide into being chronically online, and striving to max out my dopamine levels while tanking my self-esteem and overall mental health.

But that's a discussion for a different day. I started feeling better around the time I stopped writing every day. Several years later in therapy, I actually blamed writing for my spiraling mental health around that time. I thought it was causing me to obsess over all the negatives in my life, because I would always make a mental note to write about them later. Today, I think I had it backwards. I think the depression I slipped into created a longing for connection and a compulsion to explain everything bad that ever happens to me because surely that must be why I feet so deeply sad. Because if people aren't distrated by all of these negative things are happening to me, then they'll realize that I don't atually have a reason to be sad. I just can't seem to make myself stop feeling that way because something is wrong with me. But there wasn't anything wrong with me, and I was not alone with those feelings. Maybe I would have figured that out before now if I had just kept writing.

The past few years, I've noticed a nagging urge to start writing again. Sometimes it feels like there are just too many words in my head to be able to make sense of anything, and I always wonder if it might help clear up some room if I could put some of them on a screen instead, but I never get around to trying. Over the last couple of months, however the world has to felt too chaotic and cruel to wrap my head around, and my brain is at max capacity. So here I am, trying to free up some space by putting words on a screen.

Last night I told my husband that from here on out, anytime I get overwhelmed or upset by the news or start to feel hopeless about the state of the world (so, daily), instead of doomscrolling and reading the comments (never a good idea), I'm going to create something good instead. Initially I intended this with my community in mind: making a donation to a local charity fighting the good fight, donating to a food pantry, walking some shelter dogs, helping out a neighbor - and don't get me wrong, those options are all still on the table. The problem is, sometimes, the sadness and anxiety are paralyzing. Even when I do have the time, I don't always have the physical or mental energy to volunteer, and there are weeks when I'm not sure we can afford groceries ourselves, let alone give to others. So I think the broader idea of creating good is a more realistic goal, at least for now.

I dream that some day my the good I create will positively impact more than just myself, and help create a better world. For now, it will probably look more like taking the time to make a good dinner, buying sparkley gel pens to use in my work notebook, finding enjoyable ways to move my body more often, homemade ice cream with sprinkles, spending more time with the people and animals I love, and finding small ways to add whimsy to the mundane. Today my something good is setting up a place to store some of the thoughts swirling around in my brain non-stop. I hope future me puts it to good use.

[journeyss]

Ok I’m starting this journey to the self I want to be physically & mentally. Like in every way I’m going to upgrade .

And the important part of that is me getting my thoughts out, not problem dumping on friends or family, holding my own emotions & ups and downs

It’s important to have a good support system for bad times or crazy time but I have to be honest with myself, I do not have the luxury.

I love the few friends I do have but I have to set boundaries in friendships (which I haven’t before & it bites me in the ass) something’s is just my business only, I don’t want to over share, I use to be so open because I thought if they knew they would handle me like a flower when I need it but that wasn’t the case so yea no over sharing what I’m going through is my business

And I can go to therapy but I honestly have normal average problems, it’s nothing I can’t handle

Wanting success so bad just make me anxious and I think it’s healthy anxiety, it’s nothing wrong with wanting more and wanting better. I just cope and keep it moving

I’ve been “down” for 2…3 years just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. 1st year down was my art journey , which I’m still on , but I’ve accepted it more like a hobby even though I would love to monetize but it’s more of a coping mechanism when I need to regroup and get my mind right. I just discovered this

2nd year was 9-5 & trying to become a entrepreneur, that lifestyle didn’t work, but I gained a skilled that I can use for the rest of my life. So I win is a win

& this year , year 3 I decided to enter a completely different industry, love the work I do. It really feeds my mind & my wanting to keep learning. Very high stress but it gets better when I find a good work life balance.

I’ve came to terms with not having time for my many hobbies but they’ll always be there for me when it’s time to cope.

I have a little body dysmorphia right now because I want to get my body done. I’ve been “small” most of my 20s & I’ve accepted the fact that I’m just not going to get any bigger or curvier so let’s just put it there. I already eat fairly healthy & im committing to 2 days a week in the gym so now I just need the body lol and my body isn’t bad , I just want morrreee.

Goal #1 skinny bbl

Since I don’t have a a real system or family. I have to always be independent and self reliant. Going to nursing school is my biggest goal but its a journey with in itself but I’m excited. I always thought I was a healer, that’s why attract the people I do lol but my career also have to be meaningful and have impact. I have to feel like I’m doing something really important. & it always have been that way it sucks to say but having a good job has always defined me. Being successful has always defined who I am. Career isn’t life but I will feel really great when my grandma say “my granddaughter is a nurse” or when my future hubby say “my wife is a nurse” I want people to be proud to be connected to me. I just figured out why , I was never proud of anything growing up, the essay they make you write all the time “who is your role model?” I never had one and always made it up, I wasn’t proud of my mom or dad, I honestly wasn’t proud of anybody around me, it was so chaotic. I want the opposite for myself.

Goal #2 apply for nursing school

I would say all my other goals come after these 2 and aren’t as big and can easily be done just have to make the time & make a effort to make the time

I can admit I lost myself a little in covid, being best dressed has always been my favorite thing to do. And I completely let that go AGAIN but I’m rebuilding my closet and I’ll be back to it

Mini goal #1 get fresh & stay cute

Now I need a new car but I’m picky and I want one of my dream cars, Camaro, like I need that , I work so hard I can get that & I want it paid off. After my bbl this is next .

Goal #3 Camaro

They say money can’t buy happiness , but if u do the self reflecting and mental work to become a better person and your last step is a successful career. Money can definitely buy happiness.

Goal # 4 stay gracious

Cheers to reinventing myself , the bigger better me

[bookstoreadbtr]

The pandemic is a word I sure you do not want to hear for another hundred years. Although a very tragic time in history, it still birthed forth some amazing and wonderful ideas. Annette Czech was inspired during the lock down to publish a book from an idea that came from her children. I had the chance to speak with her about her book publishing journey.

When did you first notice your joy for writing? Born and raised in Parma Heights., OH, I wrote and produced plays with my neighborhood elementary school friends using garages as stages and charging only $.05 for attendance (popcorn was free). Although the play and story writing continued, productions were halted as the actors were lax in putting away everything they had lugged out of houses. My love of making up stories continued in life, ultimately shared with my 2 sons as they created the Miso Mice in the 1990’s and imbued them with superpowers, and as Pokémon was very popular at that time, individual trading cards.

What inspired you to write your first book? One of 5 sisters, in March 2020 (think pandemic), we began zooming together every week, ended up calling the sessions IdleChatter5 (cheaper than therapy!), and even creating a website summarizing all of our chatter! Many of the topics discussed were about what we termed “The Self Project” — creating our own future selves. We literally spend (as we continue to zoom even now) up to 3 hours almost every week chattering. Conversations range from the exchange of what each sister is doing this week, health information and recipes, to discussing time travel, the multiverse, and questions such as “why are we here” and “what are we doing here” (here meaning Earth)? These sessions changed my way of thinking about everything — realizing that I can (as the Miso Mice say) “choose’ndo” (associated with Universe rule #1: everything gets to choose). This attitude and awareness, that everything is my choice, totally transformed my life both physically, mentally and emotionally. I lost 40 lbs.; lowered my blood pressure; am now consciously aware of what I eat; and swim and walk daily. I am happy! I wanted to share this information with others — that you can create your own future self (if you want) — as it has brought me great joy — but many of the concepts discussed were very academic (and to my mind boring) in nature. Voila — enter the fantasy world in the 🐭 Adventures of the Miso Mice, a different take on the life changing, reinvention, health, lifestyle type of books, presenting these themes in a fun, fantastical manner with language and pictures that can be understood at many levels by all ages through the shenanigans of these 5 whimsical fantastical mice (and yes their characters are indeed based on me (guess who I am!!) and my 4 sisters). I can’t chronicle quickly enough the adventures of these fantastical Miso Mice and book #6 is almost completed!!

What is the synopsis of your first book? 🐭 Adventures of the Miso Mice Book 1: How it All Started and Adventures 1–5 SYNOPSIS

Rumor has it that it all started up in the Universe, but that’s not a rumor at all — it’s actually true! Thinking about it, anyone can see how it became a rumor as lots is going on up there and it’s very possible that no one actually noticed the beginning, much less documented it. Choices are constantly being made by every THING. That’s Universe Rule #1: every THING always gets to choose; that is, sometimes it’s Universe Rule #1 as the Universe’s fine print says: The Universe reserves the right to change it’s mind anytime for any reason without notice as the Universe gets to choose too.

(As sometimes in their excitement to share their story, the Miso Mice jump from one idea to the next rather quickly without any explanation, these little sidebars are included to help make sense, although it’s really your own choice, in regard to what sense you make of their story.

Not sure if you can read the fine print, so here is the Universe fine print in larger print: “The Universe reserves the right to change its mind anytime for any reason without prior notice as the Universe gets to choose too. Also, some say there’s a typo in the paragraph above — THING capitalized. It’s not a typo. In summary, the Universe’s definition of THING is everything and that includes…. hmmm…..let’s just say lots!)

The choices being made are creating all kinds of wonderful and amazing things. Some of those things that are being created are sparks of light energy that the Universe has nicknamed “sprites” and they are moving around the Universe all the time, as one of of the Universe’s favorite pastimes is creating sprites, and experiencing the sprites’ creations. (You are one of those sprites!)

Five of those sprites saw a treasure chest that was floating in the middle of nowhere and being as curious as they were, of course, had to investigate. So they came up to the treasure chest and it magically opened and all kinds of things floated out including a magical button that answered any question the sprites asked!

The first question they asked was: “Who are we?” as doesn’t everyone want to first know who they are? And the answer they got: Fill yourself with bright light. Become consciously aware of the timeless energy that is you — choose and create!

(The Miso Mice named the button PressThisButton and ask it everything. That’s why all answers are italicized in green. Also, PressThisButton is not just for the Miso Mice, it’s actually available to all things. Things can use PressThisButton in all kinds of ways, and in all kinds of situations, but they only figure it out when they are ready…. Are you ready?)

The sprites did exactly that — they became aware that they were timeless energy and those 5 sprites chose to create themselves as the Miso Mice complete with superpowers, as doesn’t everyone want a super power? Please meet Polly Hedron who delights in being physical; Curiosity Launch whose thinking is “non-linear”; Suzy Butterfly, a master researcher, sage and teacher; Shelly Beachcomber who loves searching for treasure on the beach; and Katalina Awsum who is pure Zen. These 5 curious fantastical Miso Mice love to do all the things, especially idle chattering, but adventuring is their most favorite.

The Miso Mice then went back to PressThisButton and asked, “What do we do next?” as once you know who you are, don’t you want to know what to do? Coincidence — something happened — maybe small, maybe big, or even a dream, but it made you take notice. It was significant to you and held a feeling of timelessness. Stop and catch that feeling outside of time. And the Miso Mice experienced a feeling from a way long time ago. The feeling was associated with a song that they had always sang together before any adventures; a song that ensured they had the best, most super fun and safe adventures. They knew and felt that the song was very important to them and together they danced, and effortlessly the words of the song just flowed:

Open heart, open mind, for highest good, for always and in all ways.

Right after the song, they immediately went back to PressThisButton to ask: “Where do we go?” Remember the feeling of coincidence and timelessness you just had. Catch that feeling outside of time again, choose and create! That was it — so obvious! They chose and created themselves, they could choose and create anything else they wanted, where they wanted to go, how they wanted to get there, and what they wanted to do! And they chose a most excellent Miso Mice specially created sailing ship complete with tiki huts, swimming pool and sun chairs as their vehicle, and chose Earth as their destination.

And as you might suspect, their next question for PressThisButton was “What’s our adventure?” To find The Answer Book — to realize what is within your chosen created self which creates your chosen future reality! WOW! This was going to be a really fun adventure and the Miso Mice realized that PressThisButton would be a very valuable tool as they searched for The Answer Book, so they put the button back into the treasure chest along with all of the other things that had floated out, placed the treasure chest into their sailing ship and set sail to Earth.

As the Miso Mice were navigating to Earth, in another part of the Universe, a group of old sprites asked their PressThisButton for something new as many of their choices had previously involved saving a world or galaxy from unsavory characters, and in answer they combined themselves and chose to create as Kaame (rhymes with Sammy) and that unbeknownst to Kaame, she would meet the Miso Mice, become great friends and also learn how to create her own future self!

Together, they go on adventures riding sea horses and meet a star fish who needs to help his fellow star fish on the beach get into the sky. Through PressThisButton everyone agrees that the Zodiac Girls, who are already in the sky can help the star fish (and the Miso Mice have to drop off the sea glass that they found on the beach anyhow, as the Zodiac Girls use it to make jewelry) so they plot a course to the Aries Star Port. At the Star Port they meet Sandman who would like to cross the Rainbow Bridge (can the Miso Mice take him there?) and learn about “choose’ndo” the 100%, AAA+++ credible means of getting anything done: 1) you choose, 2) you just do it. (Some like to abbreviate the process as ‘choose’ndo’.) The Zodiac Girls invite the Miso Mice to attend their Quantum Entanglement Party and they delay their search for The Answer Book to do so.

However, the Miso Mice did not know that Curiosity’s old nemesis Lobsta Clamdestino, the nefarious underwater sand dollar counterfeiter and casino owner has heard that the Miso Mice have a treasure on board their ship and he wants it!

🐭 Adventures of the Miso Mice continue in Book 2 of the series: 💫The Quantum Entanglement Party …. Oh no — the treasure chest and magical button are gone! Did the nefarious Lobsta Clamdestino steal them? Without them, will the Miso Mice finish their quest to find The Answer Book? Go on more crazy and magical adventures as the Miso Mice attend a very entangled party, receive the rare gift of Tem-E-Laks, and then go Timewalking!

What was the most challenging thing you experienced during publishing your first book? All of the 🐭 Adventures of the Miso Mice books are self-published using organizations and software available for free on the Internet. I think that self-publishing is easy — if you go step by step through the on-line instructions. That written it is immensely time consuming taking approximately 2–4 hours to have the book “go-live” on the various platforms that I have chosen — both paperback and digital. And that’s if you have all of the information you need to complete the process. I would suggest reviewing your chosen publishing process in advance and gathering the information that is necessary before beginning the actual process.

Both 🐭Adventures of the Miso Mice and 💫The Quantum Entanglement Party are now available in digital and/or paperback versions from bookstores including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Hudson Booksellers, Books-A-Million, LA’s The Last Bookstore, and many more independent bookstores through Bookshop.org.

To read full interview go to: https://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2674874