#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

[salemlinnet]

hey everyone!

a few news items right before we start up chapter 5. firstly i just wanna say thanks to everyone who follows my comics, it's been a pleasure as always. i've been keeping a longer buffer on patreon than usual, mostly for my mental health. publishing takes a lot of energy and i've really felt it necessary to just focus on production for a few weeks. at this point, patrons have seen most of chapter 5, there's only one more scene and about a page to be drawn. the quiet has been nice, i've caught up on a lot of house keeping, though i'm obviously very excited to present it! and on house keeping,

DOMESTICATED IS NOW LIVE AT IT'S NEW HOME!

to not go into the boring details (the old domain got trapped between to hosting sites in the middle of a buyout), it's not hosted at cod-domesticated.com (rip custom url you will be missed) it will instead be hosted at salemlinnet.com/domesticated (now you live at my house like you're my son why didn't i think of this sooner). if you find any errors in the pages i am so sorry i just formatted so many buttons TTuTT it would be super helpful to me if folks could report any specific buttons that don't work if it's convenient, it's been beta tested by the discord (thank you guys so much) but i'm just a dunce and i can't be trusted so there might be errors.

the simons are all wearing a little beret this chapter is my third point of business, i am losing it over the ghost beret. oh and the devil may care is up to chapter 18, will be chapter 19 within a few days. page 21 is out for patrons.

finally, to the people lurking for thistle and spade. i've wanted to say for some time, i'm really grateful that you've stuck around while i've been too sick to work on a bigger project. if you were here to see me start production for and then pull ghost #1, the story behind it is that i sort of suddenly learned i wouldn't always be as sick as i was, that i didn't have to rush anything, and that i could produce thistle and spade in chronological order with a bit of patience. that left me with no smaller project to draw and release in the mean time, except, see, i really like this game, call of duty. i was still on bed rest when i started domesticated, and with a ton of physical therapy i've been able to draw longer and longer hours. it's trained me up to be a better comic artist than i ever was before. it's grown into a sturdier project at the same pace. it's so unlike thistle and spade, whose chapters were written and edited over years and planned to every gesture and expression. i'm just winging it with domesticated, i'm usually rewriting massive swaths of dialogue as i sketch the scenes out, i just keep throwing out ideas until it's something i'm excited to draw and present as my imaginary "what happened outside of the games" day dream land. it's reminded me what i love so much about story telling and comics. it's made me excited to see thistle and spade go live again down the road. but first i have to rebuild its website too TTuTT

all right i'll see everyone pretty soon! thanks for hanging around as usual!

[genderqueerpositivity]

TW: medical/surgery talk and dysphoria

I am officially one step closer to my hysterectomy.

After nearly 10 months of effort, I have the support of my primary care doctor, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and the doctor who will be doing the procedure.

I've also gone through the pelvic exam and the transvaginal ultrasound that my doctor requires of patients seeking a hysterectomy; and to be absolutely clear, I would not have agreed to the ultrasound if it weren't a requirement for the surgery.

In spite of all of this, of course, there is still my health insurance company to convince of the necessity of the surgery. I should hopefully know more in the next week or two.

Every step of my medical transition has been blocked by some barrier at one time or another. I'm lucky to have even made it as far as I have.

This is why I want to laugh and cry when certain folks try to claim that it is too easy to medically transition. Every single step of my medical transition has been undertaken as an adult well over the age of 25, paid for with my own insurance or out of my own pocket, with the support of multiple mental health professionals along the way. And still, each step has been difficult.

I've been required to do everything from talk explicitly about my sexual experiences and physical dysphoria for my initial GID diagnosis to having a cold ultrasound wand poked and shoved around inside of my body until I bled. And still I have to do more, still it is not enough.

I want to be excited right now. And on some levels I am! I've been hoping for and looking forward to this for so long! But I am also so fucking tired, I've been so afraid all year of hitting some unnecessary roadblock and having to start this process over. And I am still so so so afraid, because I know now that this probably isn't going to get done before January 20th, and after that who knows if I'll be able to have it done at all.

Also, also? We do a massive fucking disservice to part of our community by not highlighting how difficult it is to medically transition as an AFAB person.

My hormone therapy is a controlled substance that I cannot legally stockpile in anticipation of gender affirming care bans. I was only able to begin hormone therapy in the first place because the requirement of an in person appointment for an initial prescription of a controlled substance was still waived in 2021 due to the pandemic, so I was able to see a telehealth provider. Only this year have I able to begin seeing a primary care doctor willing to take over managing my HRT.

My barriers to a hysterectomy exist both because the procedure is gender affirming care AND because of my sex assigned at birth. Having to repeatedly reassure everyone else involved in this process that I am certain that I do not want to ever experience pregnancy or childbirth is exhausting.

I think I'll be excited and extremely relieved when this is finally done. And then, then, I can finally start thinking about next steps, potentially top surgery...but that will be next, in whatever reality I find myself living in after January 20th.

It's ironically fitting that today is New Year's Eve; it's been a long year and all of this has been a long time in the works. I can only hope that I'll get to start next year off by finally getting this hysterectomy done.

[topazadine]

How I Am Kicking Agoraphobia's Ass

With a little help from Horse, of course

I have struggled with agoraphobia since 2017, when I was sexually assaulted. This is a common cause of agoraphobia, and it is more likely to develop in people who have CPTSD (ding ding guess who).

Anyway, I got so fucking sick of people telling me to "just go outside" as if it's so easy-peasy. Maybe for someone without agoraphobia, it feels seamless to stroll out to your car, but it's not so simple when your brain tells you that Bad Things happen when you leave the house. What are those Bad Things? idk, brain never told me. Just Bad Things.

I organized my life around my agoraphobia for many years; it's the reason I have a remote job. And the "just go outside" advice never, ever helped. The best I could do was leave the house with an Emotional Support Human (or dog), but rarely, if ever, alone.

Now I'm leaving the house at least four times a week! Voluntarily! ALONE! Without getting scared!

And sometimes I even spontaneously decide to leave the house and go to big events where there are dozens of people. Just because I feel like it.

This is momentous. If you have agoraphobia, you know how intense that is.

So what did I do? What can you do?

It's actually so simple and I have no idea why no one told me to do this years ago.

Schedule a regular event that is so exciting that you simply cannot afford to miss it.

Something you care about. Something that's so insanely tempting that you would walk over hot coals to do it. Think about something you used to care about before you became housebound, or something you've always wanted to try. For me, it was (and still is) horseback riding.

But! It must meet these conditions:

It has to happen on a regular basis at a scheduled time. Say, 6 pm every Friday. If it's just "whenever" or "once every few months," you probably won't agree to go to it every time.

There has to be a cost to missing it so your Sunk Cost Theory is triggered. Ideally, there will be multiple costs: that could be disappointing someone who has agreed to go with you every time, and that you have already prepaid for it so you'd lose money.

It has to be something that makes you happy and is just for you, not an obligation. So, therapy doesn't count. Going to the gym also doesn't count if you feel like you have to do it for social reasons or health reasons.

If you want to make this an ironclad thing, it should ideally meet these conditions too:

You learn something while there, which develops a sense of efficacy and confidence.

It's a social activity where you will make friends.

It is a physical activity that releases endorphins. (Again, pick something fun, not just going to the gym if it's not fun for you.)

There are no costs to failing. If I screw up at horseback riding or rock climbing, I'm not going to miss out on a promotion or whatever. I might be mad at myself, but I don't really lose anything by not doing it.

It has an indefinite end date; ie, this is something you could theoretically do every week forever if you want to. So if it's a class you want to take, make sure it's one where you can sign up for more classes if you feel like it.

So how do you find your thing??

Think back to a time before you suffered from agoraphobia. Might be hard if you've struggled with it for most of your life, but you might have glimmers of what you liked before.

What did you enjoy doing, or what did you want to do but couldn't? For me, I got to horseback ride as a little kid but then had to stop for money reasons. Now I can afford to do it because I'm an adult with my own adult money.

Find classes or groups in your area that cater to Thing. If they don't exist or are out of your budget, go back to the drawing board and workshop a new Thing.

Sign up for the class ahead of time. Pick a time that is within the next two weeks but preferably within the next week so you have time to prepare yourself.

If it's a paid class, pay your deposit before you get there.

Tell people you are going - as many people as you can. Now you have social and financial pressure that will make you commit.

Now, the most important part.

Research the particular place you will be going during the time between when you sign up and when you go. Learn what to expect when you get there.

Read reviews. Look at pictures online. Analyze the Google Street View. Practice driving or walking there with directions.

If you're trying a new activity, read up on it. Get beginner tips for what to expect in your first session. Watch videos of other people doing it, and read other peoples' experiences trying it out. Visualize what it will feel like to be there and what you will be doing.

This is mental rehearsal and it makes it less scary to actually step into the place for the first time. You will feel more confident when you arrive because you know what you are doing, where you are going, and what to expect as soon as you arrive.

The climbing gym I go to had a "What to Expect On Your First Visit" page that helped me a lot, and then I watched a lot of rock climbing videos and learned about the techniques so I wouldn't feel stupid. I even looked up what climbing shoes look like and how harnesses feel so I wasn't scared when I put them on.

I can't promise it will help you, but I encourage you to give it a try.

Having something to look forward on a regular basis will make it less and less scary to leave the house because, after a while, you won't even think about how unnerving the transition from Safe Space to Unsafe Space is. More and more places will become Safe, and less places will become Unsafe (within reason).

The route you take will become familiar, as will what to expect when you get there. You'll be able to practice and perfect the technique of psyching yourself up to leave home until you no longer need to; it becomes automatic.

And, most importantly, you'll see that your home isn't the only place in the world where you can exist comfortably. Everything's out there waiting for you, and you deserve to be there, too!

[drgnflyteabox]

a little kate laswell x gn!reader drabble

-> insecurity, anxiety, hurt/comfort, relationship worries, OCD, sooooo self indulgent lmao, self-hatred, therapy, compulsive behaviors, ableist language used towards self, shame, this is literally nothing and theres no real ending so mb <3

You've been working on it. You have. The anxiety; the fear of abandonment. Kate leaves so often she's probably gone almost half the year, anyway. Your relationship isn't exactly built on physical closeness, and as the years go by you feel more and more secure.

She fits, you fit, your cat Cheddar fits. The house fits, even though it sometimes feels too big when she's gone and you're still a little afraid of being home alone.

Security's tight, babe, she's assured you a dozen times. Locks, alarms, the whole nine yards. Everything works. You're usually close to sure about that.

So, you’ve worked on recognizing which feelings are rooted in reality, and which feelings sometimes come from insecurity, or jealousy.

Sometimes, it's fear. That old braying beast in your head, muddling up reality (Kate loves you) with unreality (she hates you, your life is a lie).

You know where it comes from, but that doesn't always help. On the bad days, it even makes it worse. Something is wrong with you, really really wrong. Irredeemably wrong.

Kate's been on an op three months. Longer than usual, but you've been through it a couple times. It's a serious one, so you haven't even gotten more than the odd phone call maybe once every week and a half.

Which fucking sucks normally, but its worse when you can't seem to shake the voice in your head that says she's found someone else, that she's delaying coming home because she's sick of you.

You do have a small laugh at the one that tells you she's got a secret family – even in the state you're in that's a ridiculous thought.

Still, it doesn’t break you from your worries. You begin backsliding. Your hands chafe from washing them, your water bill climbs and climbs and climbs as a result of your compulsive showering.

Am I too dirty? You think. You feel dirty. Contaminated. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t like you anymore, doesn’t love you. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, not with your insanity.

This is the cycle.

Someone will break in. You check the locks an even number of times. But did you? Okay, shower to ‘set’ the locks now, or someone really will break in. Don’t think of Kate. She hates you. Oh, hey Cheddar. Good boy. Did you lock the doors?

You’re exhausted. You lose track of the days, working robotically at your computer, burning your nose with the scent of bleach wipes. There’s not even any real cleaning, just you compulsively wiping the same four surfaces over and over.

When the wood starts showing a little damage from the incessant wiping, you cry in the fourth shower of the day.

You lose track so badly that you’re in bed rotting when Kate gets home.

The door opens, and your heart drops with fear – fuck, it’s happening. Then you check your phone and deflate. Fuck, you think again, for a different reason.

“Baby?” Kate’s voice is clear in the empty house. It makes you think of all the dust laying around, about how you usually tidy before she arrives.

You pull the cover over your face. Shame burns your face, injects lead into your muscles.

“You home?” she calls again. Cheddar meows, probably at her feet.

That’s how she finds you. Prone, upset, eyes burning.

“Oh, baby,” she murmurs. Her weight makes you dip towards her when she crawls on the bed. “Bad day?”

You pull the blanket down.

“I’m sorry,” you say. “I meant to clean the house for you, and cook you something–”

“Hey,” she puts a finger to your lips, slipping in beside you to cradle one cheek in her rough palm, body pressed to yours.

You can’t help but lean into it despite feeling wretched, despite feeling like you’ve dirtied everything around you lately.

“I don’t need any of that, honey. I appreciate it, but I’m really just excited to see you,” she presses her mouth to your jaw. Not to entice, but to breathe you in, to feel you for the first time in months.

“But it’s awful,” you mumble. “It’s dusty, dirty, disgusting–”

She stops you again.

“Hey now, it looks fine to me,” then a frown. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

“I don’t know,” you admit. It’s the truth.

“Have you called Dr. Klein?”

“No,” finally, a tear slips down your temple. You’re confused, and angry about these feelings; why now? Why when you’ve recovered?

Kate tuts, wiping at your tear with a thumb. She climbs halfway on top of you, looking down at your face. She looks tired, which makes you feel even guiltier.

“God, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this when you’ve just gotten back.”

Her frown deepens.

“Baby,” she starts. “We take care of each other, remember? What have we talked about?”

“Asking for help is okay,” you murmur. That’s one of the worst parts about this thing you have, the obsessions. They dress themselves up as the world's worst taboos. Speak them aloud and make them not only come true, but alienate everyone around you. In high school, you’d hardly spoken for fear of accidentally revealing your anxiety.

That in and of itself had been a years-long journey to heal in therapy. With Dr. Klein, with Kate, with yourself.

“Think we better set up an appointment, huh?” she says, and there’s no judgment in her voice, no sign of hatred.

“Yeah,” you whisper. You tilt your head towards her, and feel her nose against yours.

“I missed you,” she says, breath mingling with yours.

“I missed you too,” you say back.

[uwurakax]

thank you tiktok for this thought, you are very much appreciated 💕

(obviously had to stick w my man bc like who else am i gonna be down bad for as much as him ykyk?)

but thinking about villain!oikawa and hero!reader:

you and oikawa at always at each others throats, basically the physical embodiment of "fighting like cats and dogs". he alludes you at every turn, laughing at your incompetence.

"is this who they send? how pitiful, don't make me laugh!"

yet despite how at odds you are with him, and regardless of how injured or hurt you get due to his antics, you're never really in any life threatening danger - at least not when he knows you can save yourself.

you hadn't fully recovered the last time you fought, body aching and still a bit sluggish, no where near how you would normally be on your rendezvous with him.

it doesn't take long for you to, in layman's terms, get your ass kicked. hauled through concrete walls of a decaying building, you find yourself trapped under the rubble. too exhausted and drained to move. in your peak physicality, you would've been able to. it doesn't take long for the already broken building to start crumbling down, and no matter how much you want to live, you've known your entire life this was a possibility.

dying a heroic death, fighting against evil seemed honourable.

so you close your eyes and resign yourself to fate...

until he shows up and in a blink of an eye, saves you.

you didn't know what to do after that, constantly thinking about why oikawa decided to save you from impending doom. the opportunity to dispose of his arch-nemesis and get away with, well anything he wanted, and yet...

you decide to lay low for a while, not only needing to start recovery, once again, but to take a break from.. well.. everything.

'it'll be nice to be normal for once, in forever' you think to yourself.

so after resting for a week, you head off for some much needed retail therapy. clothes, shoes, bags, jewellery. you hadn't treated yourself in such a long time, and being a hero sure had its perks; i.e the massive paycheck you receive.

you've already shopped for a little over an hour before a certain store catches your eye. mainly the mannequin wearing a beautiful satin blue, drawstring dress. you head inside, eager to at least try it on. it looked so beautiful in the window display after all!

you found the dress in your size on the rack rather quickly, practically skipping to the change rooms.

who knows, maybe you'd get lucky; your friends always did try to hassle you into going out with them, so who knows?

it didn't take long before the dress sat on your figure, hugging your curves in all the right places. but then the issues arose.

'it's way too short!' you tried pushing the dress down to no avail.

'it's too tight up on the chest' you tried adjusting and pulling on the straps, but it didn't make a difference.

you were grumbling to yourself, upset that you got excited over a dud.

taking one last look in the mirror, you turned around and you knew you definitely couldn't wear this out in public at all. the backside was shorter than the front which was awful, and you didn't realise how much of your back was exposed.

at least you tried it on, but this outfit was much too sexy for your taste.

you were about to take off the dress, hand on one of the sleeves before you heard the speaker in the store go off,

"go outside, now. or i'll blow up this entire street kay?~"

you could recognise his voice anywhere. what the hell was he doing here?! how did he even-?!

you were on autopilot, grabbing a hold of your oversized jumper to cover yourself. you had to hurry before he hurt anyone!

you were running out of the dressing room, attempting to put the jumper on before you heard the speaker go off again

"nuh uh, don't you dare put that on~"

[thelikesofus]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by the wonderful @thekristen999, @spotsandsocks, and @hippolotamus xx

How many works do you have on ao3? 49

What's your total ao3 word count?

156,649 which seems crazy omg

What fandoms do you write for?

Currently 9-1-1

Previously: Fairy Tail, Akagami no Shirayukihime, and some rpf for K-Pop bands

Top five fics by kudos:

Words Fall Short (Tongue Tied and Lonely) 15k words

Buck misoverhears Eddie complaining to Hen at work and presumes the worst. He slowly starts to phase himself out of Eddie's life and Eddie doesn't know why.

you are my boy, buckaroo 1.7k words

Buck is in the wrong place at the wrong time and Athena comes to the rescue.

Lazy Sunday (Lay With Me) 1.2k words

A quiet, cuddly Sunday morning between Buck and Eddie on the Diaz couch.

ring the bells 5.3k words - Buddie CoffeeShop AU

Buck starts frequenting a coffee shop near the firehouse in hopes of running into the beautiful man whose coffee he mistakenly drank.

Wine (Whine) 1.5k words

Buck makes plans without Eddie so Eddie goes to Karen for wine and a whine and then comes home to Buck.

Do you respond to comments? Yes! I try to! I usually reply to some the same day I post a fic and then go back and reply to the rest a few weeks later. But every comment is so important to me <3

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I am incapable of not writing happy endings haha but the angstiest content in a fic was probably in lightning crashes seeing as Buck literally died right in front of Eddie's eyes, more than once.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Crushes, Shivers and Bruised Knuckles has a super cute sappy ending <3

Do you get hate on fics?

Not often, I've had the odd snide comment but so far I've been pretty lucky.

Do you write smut? Nope. Just not my writing vibe.

Craziest crossover:

Haven't written any crossover fics yet but i've been dipping my toes into AUs a bit more recently.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Years ago yes sort of, I had a fic reposted to another website without my permission but still credited to me.

Have you ever had a fic translated? No, not yet.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not published, but the lovely @lilbuddie and I have played around with some ideas before.

All time favourite ship? Buddie, they have taken me over body and soul. Never has a ship inspired me to write so many fics.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a few WIPs from other fandoms (not 911) that I abandoned a long time ago and now the source material has changed too much for the fics to make sense to finish which is sad cos some of them I was really excited about (RIP the Australian Adoption Adventure fic).

What are your writing strengths?

Descriptions, particularly of physical intamicy/tactile situations cos I'm hyper aware of where everyone's limbs are at all times. I think I'm pretty good at getting character's verbal tone right too.

What are your writing weaknesses? Other than finishing WIPs?? Long fics, honestly. I have so many ideas but find it really hard to plot out and execute long form fics.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? Character specific I think.

First fandom you wrote in? Fairy Tail

Favourite fic you've written? I have some new WIPs coming soon that I think will take the title but here's some current favs:

9-1-1:

Crushes, Shivers and Bruised Knuckles 9k words

Eddie starts kickboxing, goes to therapy and realizes he's in love with Buck.

lightning crashes 9.7k words

Eddie is thrown from the ladder truck during a lightning storm on a call but it is Buck who ends up in the hospital.

Not 9-1-1:

Hindsight (Through Rose Tinted Glasses) - Stray Kids (8.6k)

Hearts Beat (Louder Than Bombs) - NCT War AU (25k ongoing)

Tagging a few lovely mutuals who might like to share:

@loserdiaz @shortsighted-owl @sibylsleaves @monsterrae1 @spaceprincessem @elvensorceress @bekkachaos and anyone else who wants to tag me in their version of this! I love hear about people's writing xx

[theprodigypenguin]

Oh my god. Okay. I know it's been a thousand years since I've been around so I'm going to just give a quick summary of why (in case people have been wondering and don't follow my instagram). So the end of the year was BAD. Without too many unnecessary details, I ended up moving three times within four months.

The first place I moved to was the family home (been in my family for almost 50 years, my great grandfather built it). My uncle sold that house so I had to move out in December. The next couple weeks I was with my gma and it was very toxic and I didn't feel safe. It was bad. But a few weeks ago I finally found a place for myself and recently moved in.

I don't have wifi at home yet since I spent every penny just to get the place, but I'm somewhere safe and permanent now, and I'm in a headspace where I'm excited to come back to enjoy Fandom in general.

I'm on new meds and seeing a therapist weekly (she's fucking awesome, yall). I'm starting emdr therapy next Friday, which is supposed to target specific traumas, that's gonna be an interesting experience.

Anyway, mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, I was very very not well, but I'm back now, and I'll be around more regularly once wifi is hooked up at my new place.

You can see more updates on that on my Instagram.

Anyway that's the cliff notes version. Kotatsu is doing very well, I know yall were mostly worried about her.

Anyway I missed it here and I can't wait to get back to screaming over sabo cuz yes I am still feral about him nothing has changed. Much love 🫰

[fireheartedpup]

I think my birthday has become a trigger for me. There's no one to invite. It's nice that my parents still want to go all out, but I don't know what to tell mom because I don't want to do anything.

No one here cares about the pandemic and I'm not even sure how much to care anymore because they stopped caring when it was still in full swing. I haven't gotten covid even though I haven't avoided my family, who stopped taking precautions a few months in and think masking is stupid, so what have I even been doing? Has it done anything at all?

I'm still happy that I haven't gotten sick other the built in body issues in... how long has it been? Five fucking years? But I miss feeling normal.

I don't want to live here and I don't want to do this and I don't know what to do even when I know what to do. The only thing that really motivates me is being angry. I hate being angry.

I don't want to live in this reality and I don't have enough money to move and whenever anyone tries to change things here, they're met with a bunch of people saying you can't change things here because we haven't changed things here so you can't change things here.

I think my dog deserves better and I don't have enough money to pay off my debt, much less a specialist. She's not neglected or anything I just have higher standards now. I'm probably still alive because of her. If I die, no one will know for days. Maybe a week or more. No one's coming to check on me.

Mom might come eventually but mom comes sporadically because she tries to give me space. I flip between wanting to cut my parents out entirely and just wanting to see them. They're still conservative and I can never trust them the same way again, but they've supported me the entire time.

I did beg for some of it. But they have supported me.

Dad's cranky because prices are going up and he didn't plan on supporting me this long and he's in the same position I am. I inherited the no friends disease. I'm fucking pedigreed in mental illness. He likes drinking wine even though eating makes him throw up now. He doesn't want to see a normal doctor.

His mom has had many cancerous growths removed. I should probably get ready to deal with his stuff.

Mom clearly wants to leave and doesn't feel she can. It's tough when being with someone makes your life harder, but you can see them actively getting better. I think it's one reason she wants to keep her flight attendant job even though she's becoming less and less physically able. She can just pick up and leave whenever she wants.

I feel stupid and useless for not earning enough by now. I know that's not entirely realistic because I read it takes two years to get over an abusive environment and it's only been one. My parents love me, but living in that house put me in fight or flight mode every time I went to the kitchen.

I feel paralyzed and when I try to look up jobs I want to break down entirely. I've made half-hearted attempts to build my own thing but it feels like I'm never able to pick the right thing, that I'll always burn out, that I can never tell what's going to work, that every thing I'm actually excited about is doomed to fail.

Sometimes I don't even want to support people because it feels like my support is the death knell for their cause.

I'm trying to restructure my thinking. I spend almost all of my time doing that. It's difficult to escape the social media whirlpool when social media is so attached to so many different forms of monetary income these days.

I thought I could get free therapy with my insurance so I could bounce this off of a therapist instead of tumblr or a random person but I'm not sure anymore so I gave up.

I feel like I'm overwhelmingly tired and negative and hurt and angry and that no one should have to deal with that.

I'm trying to make friends with my neighbors, but either I don't text back in enough time or they just don't respond. I don't know why or where or when it goes wrong. I start avoiding everyone because I'm waiting for it to go wrong.

I want to get on medication but I just saw that thing about the autistic licenses in MY state. The government doesn't want me. They don't even want me to exist. I don't want to give them the option of using it against me in any way.

It's very hard to get myself out of a spiral. I should probably look into ocd help a bit more. I don't know if that's me or if this is an offshoot of something else, but either way it's connected.

The recent blog thing has just reinforced me feeling stupid and isolated. I'm very grateful for the people who've been here for me. I don't want anyone to ever feel obligated to support me. But I'm having a really hard time.

And it feels stupid to be having a hard time. I have more than most.

I want to live in a different reality.

[crowandthefics]

Leslie’s slow decline into madness

A Toa fic

All parts!

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Hi, my names Leslie papadopoulos. My favorite jolly rancher color is red, I love mythomagic, and my brothers identity was stolen by a god.

Pretty wild, right? On my 14th birthday my brother, Lester went out and didn’t come back. I remember it well:

“Be back by 3 Lester, you wouldn’t wanna miss your sisters party,” Mom says, as Lester opened the door

“don’t worry mom! I’ll be back in time.” Lester huffs as he steps out.

Lester didn’t come back that day, or any other day. I spent the whole party saying

“I’m not doing that till Lester’s back!”

It was a rather sad party as you can imagine.

My mom made me blow out my candles before all my friends left. by then I had already figured out Lester wasn’t coming back any time soon.

My wish as I blew out my candles was for Lester to come home but the next time I would see him wouldn’t be for a long time.

Well, I never actually SAW him again, but one day he was on twitter for doing something stupid. I don’t even remember what, I just remember going to my mom all excited, and very scared because my brother was alive! And all the way in the way in LA… why was he there instead of at home? Why did he leave on my birthday? I thought we were close?

I cried that night.

Chapter two

I spent the weekend after my birthday crying. But alas I had to return to school on Monday.

I hardly payed much attention in class, how could I? My brother was gone! Why am I supposed to pretend like everything’s fine?

He was declared missing and I started believing he was dead if it wasn’t for all the images of him circling the internet.

Over the weeks my friends decided that I was to much work to be friends with. I don’t blame them, but it will always hurt.

I didn’t really make any new friends per say but this senior, Percy Jackson hung out with me. He could relate to losing people so he understood my pain as well as anyone could.

We weren’t friends but he shared my lunch period and didn’t have anyone else to sit with and neither did I. sometimes he shared his cookies with me!

The months were a blur. I didn’t know what to do so I retreated into fantasy. I already liked mythomagic but now it was my sole coping mechanism. As a result I started reading about the Greek gods.

Funny ain’t it? My brother was taken by the Greek gods and what did I hyper fixate on to escape reality? The Greek gods.

I collected every card and figure and knickknack that mythomagic made. It was all I could do to not to break down.

Then I started seeing things.

Chapter three

I started seeing things. The birds were huge monsters, a dog running down the street could look like hellhounds from my mythomagic cards, I saw teenagers holding swords.

I tried to ignore it for so long, what was I supposed to say?

“Hey mom that kid over there has a sword on his belt!”

Hell no, they’d put me in a mental hospital I’m sure!

…and my parents already lost a child, I can’t make them live with a mentally unstable child.

So I pretend everything’s normal. I don’t see weird things and I’m not breaking apart. But I learned quickly, it’s hard to hide that stuff.

“Leslie! Leslie, are you listening to me?” My mom asked frantically.

I had started crying in the living room, I couldn’t handle all the stress anymore. My brother was missing, I’m failing my classes, and on top of that I’m hallucinating now!

“I want Lester back!” I say through tears.

The rest of that night is spent like that, I wouldn’t listen to reason at.

The next week my parents put me in therapy at the first place they could find. I like to say it helped, all I really did was talk about Lester though. By this point he’d been gone for four months.

It wasn’t long after I started talking about seeing things that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I thought I had things figured out on that until one of the ‘hallucinations’ attacked me, like physically hurt me.

I was out for a walk, my therapist told me getting outside more might help.

I fell to the ground before I could think or react. I couldn’t see the monster so I didn’t know what it was, all I could do was scream.

Then there was just dust and an arrow. A girl with green hair walked up and retrieved her arrow. She looked at me and shook her head, muttering something to herself before telling me: “you should get as far from downtown as you can.”

I didn’t ask questions. I got up and left.

What? Did you expect that I’d stay and find out what was going on? Hell no when straight home and pretended nothing happened, I told my mom I fell to explain any injuries. Apparently the rest of everywhere did to because I saw nothing online about monsters or archers in downtown New York.

It was calm for a while. Until mid June.

Chapter 4

Mid June. They found his body near the Empire State Building.

It was red and brunt, painful brunt. My brother had burned to his death.

He wasn’t crispy the way you’d expect from someone who burned to death, no, he was bright red, red like a cherry jolly rancher.

It confused people. He evenly brunt all over, how was the burn so uniform? It was mystery. A mystery I didn’t want to think about.

My mother tried to calm me down, I was screaming and crying. She offered my what was supposed to be my favorite candy, a red jolly rancher.

“Red red red red no that’s what Lester looked like!” I had cried

Red used to be my favorite color, now I can’t look it and not cry.

I tried to stay calm, I really did! But I couldn’t, my brother, Lester, my dumbass brother who played piano and was late to everything and used to think you eat sunscreen was dead and I wanted him back.

All I could do was sob, my father pulled me away from the scene and took me home. My mom stayed to handle things.

I sat in the center of Lester’s room, just talking as if to him.

“Hey Lester did you know that though Demeter has the worst attack power she has the unrivaled defense?”

“Lester Lester will you play Mary had a little lamb?”

“I’m boreddd Lester… I miss you”

It helped calm me down in the afterwards. His funeral would be the next week but I wasn’t ready to see him again.

Until then, I talk to the walls.

Chapter 5

I stare out the car window on the way to the funeral.

It wasn’t raining, it was bright and sunny. Lester would’ve been sad to know his funeral was on a sunny day. He always wanted a funeral in the rain, for dramatic effect.

At the funeral home I saw way more people than I expected. People I never met.

I was anxious around the people but I tried not to pay attention. Instead eating strawberries. They had been Lester’s favorite snack so we had tons of them.

I ended up talking to one of the people who I didn’t know. He introduced himself as lyre.

“I’m sorry about the loss of your brother,” lyre said, he looked almost guilty. I wondered why.

“No, don’t apologize. You didn’t kill him.” I slightly laughed. Coping with dark humor.

Lyre glanced around nervously before laughing as well, he looked rather awkward.

“Well, still. I hope you’ve been holding up alright,” lyre responded.

“Does talking to walls count as alright?” I ask, to which lyre only shrugs.

The conversation ended there. I felt a bit weird about lyre but I just moved on, I felt weird about a lot of things right now.

I talked to a lot of people who I didn’t know. A set of siblings: will, Austin and Kayla. They were sweet, but Kayla looked familiar to me and I couldn’t figure it out. I ignored that weird feeling too.

I talked about the concept of death with someone named Nico. He was actually really helpful and helped me calm down even in the slightest. “Death happens eventually to everyone. I know it’s so cliche, but it’s gonna be ok eventually. I know how it feels to lose a sibling.”

He also played Mythomagic to so we talked about that for a while. It was something I understood like the back of my hand and it helped to talk about something I understood.

There was a little girl, said her name was Meg. She put a hyacinth on Lester and gave me a potted plant; “so you won’t be as lonely, it can’t replace your brother but it’s something at least!” She told me. It was also a hyacinth.

I held that plant the whole day.

I certainly watered it with my tears.

I can’t remember his service, I just know I cried the whole thing.

I had written out a poem he liked and placed it in his coffin along with my mythomagic figure of his favorite god, Hermes. He liked him because tricks and pranks and shenanigans were some of his favorite things.

At the graveyard I helped shovel the dirt over the coffin.

Staring at his grave I broke down again. Seeing his name in stone made it real.

Long after the funeral was over I sat talking to the grave. As if having a conversation.

Then lyre was there, He just appeared.

“Oh- uhm- sorry hi.” I scrambled to form coherent sentences.

Lyre just sat next to me. After a few minutes of awkward silence he started talking: “I am responsible for his death.” He said.

I blink, “what?”

“Earlier you said not to apologize because it wasn’t my fault, but it was. My name isn’t Lyre, my name is Apollo, and I am responsible for the death of lester.” He took a breath. “I don’t usually tell Mortals about the world of gods, but your life was ruined by it so you are owed an explanation.”

I stare at her. “Explain,” I say sharply.

“I am the god Apollo. I’m sure you know what that means from your little card game-“ I cut her off, “mythomagic.”

“-yes that. How do I put this… I recently went through ‘trials’ of sorts, my father, Zeus made me mortal in the body of Lester papadopoulos. Which is why he disappeared and eventually died. When I ascended to Olympus I can only assume his body couldn’t handle the amount of divine power and burnt to his death. So, young Leslie, I can do nothing but apologize to you,” lyre- Apollo explained to me.

“… with all the weird monsters I’ve been seeing I can’t even say I don’t believe you,” I say, dumbfounded.

Apollo sighs. “If I could bring Lester back, I would, but I can’t.” He takes a breath. “I must be leaving now, goodbye, Leslie papadopoulos.” And he disappears in a puff of gold.

I was mad. Horribly mad. I look at my brothers grave. “Lester. I will make sure he doesn’t just- just move on without caring about what. I swear that to you. I love you.” I hug his grave.

And thus begins my insanity.

Chapter 6

I’m tired. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I curse the heavens but there’s nothing I can do.

I hate the sun, I hate archery, I hate music- I hate everything Apollo stands for!

I tore apart my Apollo card, I tore a lot of my Mythomagic cards. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was scared and tired and angry, so angry.

Once I came to my senses I shoved the rest of my set in a box into the closet.

I went to my brothers grave so often. One day I was just talking to him in ramblings.

“Ya know what if I summoned Satan? Maybe if I do that I can trade my soul and everything will be fixed.” I laughed, leaned on his grave.

“How hard is it to kill god, do you think?” I asked him.

Things went just like that til I met Anne. Anne was a child of Apollo as she said.

“I fought against the gods in a war a few years back. The second titan war.” She explained to me.

Most importantly about Anne, she was willing to help me make sure Apollo never forgot what happened to Lester.

Anne and I became good friends quickly. And by August we had our plan.

Then, Anne and my plans were found out by a god.

Anne was killed by the gods.

I tore up the paper plans and sunk them in the water. I deleted any digital plans.

I removed all evidence of Anne from my life. I pretended none of that ever happened.

I decided I’d move on from the mess that has happened the last 9 months of my life. I had school to finish, I could make my life a life again.

But things could never be how I wanted them anymore.

My name is Leslie papadopoulos. I hate the color red, my Mythomagic set is long forgotten in a closet and my brother was killed by the gods.

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[jelpiparade]

Announcement & Updates!

Hello, everyone!

I hope you've been enjoying The Nightmare Prince and Victor!

I have an announcement. Four actually. The first three are positive and the fourth.... less so, but, you know. I like to be honest and transparent with you guys.

(+) Klaus' route is now finished.

I REALLY like it. It's a very mature approach to romance with both parties choosing each other rather than gradually falling in love. It's VERY different from every other romance in Belle Automata thus far in that way!

(+) The Nightmare Prince's light novel work is being resumed.

That one's pretty straightforward! Because I finished Klaus' route, I'm going to go back to focusing on The Nightmare Prince's light novel. I expect that it'll be complete in about ten to fourteen days and Victor's route in the proceeding ten to fourteen days after that. Those are the last two prizes so I highly anticipate that people will love them. To those of you who purchased physical copies, those will come out as soon as I finish the light novels.

(+) Roman's route will begin shortly.

Now you might be wondering: "owl, how can you work on both the light novels AND Roman's route?"

Carefully, haha. Honestly, Roman's route is a bit different from the light novels. The light novels are re-written content whereas Roman's route is new content. Of course, the rewritten content is a case of reformatting and adding in additional internal thoughts so it doesn't take so long. I'm very excited because Roman's route is the final route of Belle Automata. I can't believe we made it so far...

Anyway, now, the less pleasant news:

(-) I will be launching a second Kickstarter, after all.

Why? Because, frankly speaking, I have stretched the last dollar as far as I could and without further funding, the game's progress has come to a stop (aside from the writing and scripting which is the only thing I can really do.) There are certain things I am very concerned about - namely how I will be able to proceed when my funding from one source has not come through and will not come until Q2 of 2023, and my second source of funding only comes at certain milestones (for example, when I finish both routes of Chronicle III - Klaus and Roman - I'll get a chunk of funding, then when the whole game is released, I get another chunk of funding, etc.)

Between paying for my therapy sessions, the fact that I'm on FMLA and have no income and other factors, I really don't have money to spend at all to continue and I won't resume work until the second week of April.

Honestly, I do sincerely feel that a second Kickstarter is the only way out of this predicament. If all goes well, it'll be launched April 9th and I've already submitted it to Kickstarter. I hate to ask for your support, but if you do want to ensure that Belle Automata's game comes out in a timely fashion, I humbly ask your support. The goal will be ambition - $15k - but it's my hope that lovers of my work and the world of Belle Automata will show out and help us make Belle Automata's dream become a reality!

//owl.

[doctormage]

sorry i need to complain rly quick

ok so i went to the derby thing monday and in a nutshell it was awful solely bc i literally could not stay upright on my skates. im a severe asthmatic so i have to take albuterol before exercise and sometimes it makes me shaky, but this time my legs were like, completely and genuinely useless

everyone there was SO nice and only cared that i didnt hurt myself but im still really fucking embarrassed bc like. i make a point to exercise my legs every single day. at bare minimum i do squats and calf raises EVERY SINGLE DAY and have been for MONTHS bc of physical therapy. those two exercises particularly help keep my ankle and foot mobile so i make sure to do them, at least 30 of each, DAILY!!!!!!!!! my quads are fucking great!!!!!

so im like. alright. very cool and normal that the medication thats supposed to help me breathe is preventing me from even skating 3 feet in any direction, also very cool and awesome that people are gonna think its bc i have zero lower body strength (when in fact that is the ONLY place i have any strength!) bc my legs are like jello rn

(on top of this i was just so anxious and awkward and all this immediately brought up countless childhood memories of my gym teachers openly bullying me in front of my entire class bc i - severe asthmatic who was even worse as a child - wasn't going "fast enough" or "trying hard enough" or whatever. and also generally like the shittiness of not being able to play w your friends or whatever as a kid bc your lungs dont fucking work. so the frustration over this one thing just opened a can of worms that had been marinating for the last 26 years of my life)

(additionally i have placed a LOT on this mentally bc it's my attempt at like cultivating a hobby that involves other people and forcing myself to make friends that live in the same city as me. i've wanted to do this for over a YEAR, i was so excited after i got cleared by my physical therapist, and i also had a cold last week and was frantically doing everything i could to be better again before monday so it was just!!! a lot!!!) (i was better btw and not contagious. still wore a mask to the rink in case i coughed rly gross or smth tho)

i also thought maybe its bc my knees hyperextend REALLY really bad just like in my normal posture so my center of gravity is always all fucked. so on top of my shaky ass legs im trying to combat the entire way my body holds itself and has ALWAYS held itself, while attempting to maintain balance on wheels, and not default to What I Literally Always Do Subconsciously Because That's How My Legs Work. anyway

yesterday it was rainy so i couldnt skate but today i put my skates on and im like. completely fucking fine. not trembling at all, totally capable of remaining upright, maintaining proper form, skating around, everything, even with my fucked up backwards knees. what the hell and fuck

on monday i'd borrowed skates from the rink bc i didnt want to be the only one in new-looking non-derby skates (which i wouldnt have been anyway) so i guess it could be because their skates didnt really fit me right or they're flat and my skates have a heel but like????? why???????? why am i fine now ???????????????????

we have practice again tomorrow and i will ABSOLUTELY be wearing my own skates idgaf how stupid they look i am not putting myself in that position again. i NEED people to know i have functional legs ;_;

[truckfreaks]

I feel awful about it all, really, because she was so excited to see me

A lot of them were, but I found myself sitting there and wondering...... why am I here? who are these people?

and then my friend gave me this long, very sweet note, and it said,

"You're so funny, and you're the life of every party."

it made me smile, but it made me sad, too, for really just the dumbest reason. because I know it's true, I know everyone looks to me to say something funny or ridiculous, but I just... couldn't do it today, didn't have it in me

last night was just so... sad. and it wasn't! but it was at the same time. a friend of mine said some things to me that really truly broke my heart, and I know she is struggling, and it just carried with me all through the day

and then today when I was looked to and expected to be this certain way, well, I'm glad that people look at me and think that, but it can be so exhausting sometimes.

and I just found myself really just... out of things to say, on autopilot, so quickly. I couldn't eat. It was just so strange. I got burnt out so, so fast.

I just hit this wall and felt so, so heartbroken. So I just took my meds and crawled into my bed and i put on a movie and I'm doodling and trying not to be crushed by this crushing feeling but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

I feel really, really alone most of the time, even when I am with other people.

Life is very beautiful and I love to experience it but I just wish I felt like I knew more people that were ... idk... like me? I don't know how to explain it. I can't articulate it. Sometimes the only person that gets me is me, and that feels ... bad.

It scares me, because I don't understand how I am going to keep moving. The weight of it is so, so much sometimes. Usually if I am occupied it doesn't bother me. But it is starting to bleed into everywhere and everything and I don't know what to do. I did everything right. I take my meds. I go to therapy. I talk about the things that give me nightmares three times a week with a professional. I do "The Work". I have books on books on books about unpacking physical and sexual abuse and all this stuff I'm supposed to just, idk, learn and utilize and become Better, and just, none of it works.

Are some people just fucked? Am I fucked? Idk.

[s33thru]

Hi all!

It’s my first actual blogging post! Woo! I’m excited for this little journey to start :)

I’ve decided I’m going to create a little emoji key for each little area of my life that I talk about, so that if you’re only interested in one thing and you’d rather ignore the rest, you can simply find what you’re looking for by searching for the corresponding emoji!

So, here goes :) :

🍃 = mental health related topics (general mental health, therapy progress/updates, personal growth/development)

🍁 = physical health related topics (overall physical health, fitness, feminine health)

🦆 = relationships (romantic, platonic, & familial)

🍂 = big life areas (work/school)

🍊 = personal life (hobbies, interests, exciting things/treats, experiences/events)

I hope this little guide can serve its function, as mentioned above! :)

Anyways, on to this week:

🍃 (⚠️TW: alc*hol⚠️): I feel like I’m going through a season of change. This happens every once in a while. I really enjoy it, even if it’s hard, because it always ends in personal growth :) This time, as per usual, I’m seeing and doing things in my life differently. One example is how I’m choosing to spend my free time. I used to immediately ask to see/hang out with people whenever I finished all my things for the day. That was because of my anxious attachment and my inability to spend time alone. Now, though, I’m making a point to do what I actually *want* to do (I know it sounds simple, but it was so difficult because I was blinded by my need for interaction and my inability to spend time alone!). I’m engaging in my hobbies more, and it feels really good :) I’m working on myself a lot. There’s lots going on in my brain!

My anxiety has been acting up a bit more lately, but I feel like I’m getting much better at managing it!! I’m very proud of myself for that :)

Sometimes I feel like my brain is evil and horrible. It always throws things at me, and sometimes it feels like I can never catch a break. Especially the two weeks before my period. My therapist thinks I might have PMDD. I’m starting to think I might have it, too. Because for two weeks out of the month, it’s mental torture. I don’t get any physical symptoms, but man does my brain get mean. I actually hate it so much and I’m scared & dreading the next time it happens :(

When I get anxious, it feels like it’s the end of the world and I’m trapped and everything around me is crashing down, and I feel like I don’t have the ability to calm down (even though I do and I’ve been getting good at it). It’s uncomfortable and quite frankly, terrifying. I really don’t like it, and I don’t like that my brain does that to me :( Sometimes I really hate living with this disorder

I have a fear of alcohol, especially when it comes to my boyfriend. It’s something I’ve been working on, but I seem to be making no progress :( I learned that he went drinking a few nights ago and I completely broke down. That was then followed by hours of crying and belittling myself for being this way. For being afraid of this. “Why can’t I just be normal?” I asked myself over and over. This has been consuming so much of my headspace lately. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up every morning, and that’s been setting up my days for failure. I don’t know why this affects me so much. I don’t know why this still plays on my mind so much. I think about it at least once a week. It’s obsessive, and I don’t understand why I can’t just let it go. I’m starting to hate myself for it. I want to punish myself for being this way.

I think I have a lot more self-hatred than I realize. Especially since there’s so many things “wrong” with me that I don’t like and I just wish I could change instantly. But, alas, change and healing takes time. My brain doesn’t want to accept that though. I’m so so hard on myself for my flaws and for the bad parts of me that I’m trying to change. It doesn’t do me any good; in fact it only hurts me. I hate the fact that I hate how I am.

🍁: I had a dentist appointment recently. It was my first one in years, because we didn’t have insurance until now and couldn’t afford to go without it. Now that we have insurance, though, I’m hoping to start going annually! Unfortunately, I fucked up the appointment :( I meant to schedule a cleaning, but I scheduled a checkup instead, and all I got were some x-rays. It was disappointing having to pay for something I didn’t need. That really got to me :/ I also found out I need to get fillings. Boy am I terrified. I’ve had bad experiences with dentists in the past, and I’m still nervous even just going for a cleaning, and anything more than that freaks me the fuck out, especially since I have a really low pain tolerance and every dental procedure I’ve had in the past has been really painful :( My boyfriend agreed to come with me to get my fillings for emotional support. I’m so lucky to have him :,( The thought of getting all this done has been swirling around in my mind a bit lately and causing me stress :/ I hate being a worrier

I learned that my gym has fitness classes, and I’m thinking about participating… not sure though, cause I really don’t like change, even if it’s positive. Shaking things up is really hard for me, it causes a lot of stress and anxiety and fear. And I know I don’t have to, of course. I like the workout regime I have right now just fine. We’ll see though. Maybe I’ll take the leap!

🦆: I’m getting excited about my boyfriend coming home :) He’ll be here on the 13th! I’m trying not to get too excited though, because he might not get to see me that day, depending on when he gets home. And if I expect that, I’ll be in wait mode until I do. And if I don’t get it, it’ll ruin my day. I hate how my brain works sometimes :( I’ve been trying to be more honest with him lately, though. Battling anxious attachment is hard, but I’m really working on it! I can feel myself trusting him more, and feeling closer and more connected. It feels great, I haven’t felt this close to him in a while :,) it’s making me so happy. We’re setting new boundaries but I’m worried I’ll have a hard time implementing them. I’m having lots of anxious thoughts about it, as per usual :( He’s thinking about getting a tattoo and that made me anxious & upset bc I love his body how it is & I really struggle with change. I’m feeling more connected to him after a while of feeling disconnected. It feels nice!

My boyfriend is the most loving, most patient, most caring person in the whole entire world. Even with all my flaws and bad traits, he still loves me. I feel so so so grateful for him, especially this past week. He’s been so kind to me, even when I slip up or my anxious attachment or fears act up. I swear I’m gonna love that man forever <3

My work friend invited me to his house to watch a Christmas movie and I was worried about it. We had some weird interactions a while back and things just didn’t feel like they used to for a bit :( I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cancel or postpone or suggest we do another activity instead. It was really confusing, but everything ended up being okay and I had a lot of fun! Things feel normal again :)

🍂: I’ve been getting back into school research. I do it in my free time sometimes :) I’m working on applying for student loans cause I got accepted into uni! This is my biggest life accomplishment to date, and I’m so so proud of myself :,) The process of applying for student loans has been pretty stressful so far, which is unfortunate :( Lots of forms that I need medical professionals for, so I have to wait to progress until my next therapy appointment, which sucks :/ I hate waiting on things, it stresses me out a lot. Trying not to think about it too much

🍊: I’ve been enjoying listening to podcasts at work lately. I like to think of it as podcast time! I’m really liking it; it makes the shifts go by faster, plus it’s something to help drown out the thoughts 🫡 This feels like something that is wholly me, something I do by myself, and that’s huge for me!!!

My newest YouTube fixation is smosh. I’ve really been enjoying watching their videos lately :)

Also, the weather is FINALLY clearing up after an actual (I’m not kidding) month of clouds and rain! Ugh it feels so good to see the sun and blue skies again :,)

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this post! I hope I can keep this up, as I feel like it could be nice! Remember to take care of yourself, and have a good night! :)

[journeyss]

Ok I’m starting this journey to the self I want to be physically & mentally. Like in every way I’m going to upgrade .

And the important part of that is me getting my thoughts out, not problem dumping on friends or family, holding my own emotions & ups and downs

It’s important to have a good support system for bad times or crazy time but I have to be honest with myself, I do not have the luxury.

I love the few friends I do have but I have to set boundaries in friendships (which I haven’t before & it bites me in the ass) something’s is just my business only, I don’t want to over share, I use to be so open because I thought if they knew they would handle me like a flower when I need it but that wasn’t the case so yea no over sharing what I’m going through is my business

And I can go to therapy but I honestly have normal average problems, it’s nothing I can’t handle

Wanting success so bad just make me anxious and I think it’s healthy anxiety, it’s nothing wrong with wanting more and wanting better. I just cope and keep it moving

I’ve been “down” for 2…3 years just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. 1st year down was my art journey , which I’m still on , but I’ve accepted it more like a hobby even though I would love to monetize but it’s more of a coping mechanism when I need to regroup and get my mind right. I just discovered this

2nd year was 9-5 & trying to become a entrepreneur, that lifestyle didn’t work, but I gained a skilled that I can use for the rest of my life. So I win is a win

& this year , year 3 I decided to enter a completely different industry, love the work I do. It really feeds my mind & my wanting to keep learning. Very high stress but it gets better when I find a good work life balance.

I’ve came to terms with not having time for my many hobbies but they’ll always be there for me when it’s time to cope.

I have a little body dysmorphia right now because I want to get my body done. I’ve been “small” most of my 20s & I’ve accepted the fact that I’m just not going to get any bigger or curvier so let’s just put it there. I already eat fairly healthy & im committing to 2 days a week in the gym so now I just need the body lol and my body isn’t bad , I just want morrreee.

Goal #1 skinny bbl

Since I don’t have a a real system or family. I have to always be independent and self reliant. Going to nursing school is my biggest goal but its a journey with in itself but I’m excited. I always thought I was a healer, that’s why attract the people I do lol but my career also have to be meaningful and have impact. I have to feel like I’m doing something really important. & it always have been that way it sucks to say but having a good job has always defined me. Being successful has always defined who I am. Career isn’t life but I will feel really great when my grandma say “my granddaughter is a nurse” or when my future hubby say “my wife is a nurse” I want people to be proud to be connected to me. I just figured out why , I was never proud of anything growing up, the essay they make you write all the time “who is your role model?” I never had one and always made it up, I wasn’t proud of my mom or dad, I honestly wasn’t proud of anybody around me, it was so chaotic. I want the opposite for myself.

Goal #2 apply for nursing school

I would say all my other goals come after these 2 and aren’t as big and can easily be done just have to make the time & make a effort to make the time

I can admit I lost myself a little in covid, being best dressed has always been my favorite thing to do. And I completely let that go AGAIN but I’m rebuilding my closet and I’ll be back to it

Mini goal #1 get fresh & stay cute

Now I need a new car but I’m picky and I want one of my dream cars, Camaro, like I need that , I work so hard I can get that & I want it paid off. After my bbl this is next .

Goal #3 Camaro

They say money can’t buy happiness , but if u do the self reflecting and mental work to become a better person and your last step is a successful career. Money can definitely buy happiness.

Goal # 4 stay gracious

Cheers to reinventing myself , the bigger better me

[commoncorps3]

lol im not sure my mental and physical health has ever been this bad.

im kinda suicidal again instead of just being numb, empty, and having depersonalization/derealization but I don’t even know who to tell. my friends are probably getting overwhelmed with me/tired of me doing so bad all the time. it’s gotta be a real bummer. can’t tell my family bc they freak out or the complete opposite just tell me it’s gonna be ok. my girlfriend has DID and hasn’t fronted in several days because she’s been having a hard time mentally and physically so one of her alters (who I am not dating) has been in control. this alter doesn’t really talk to me nearly as much as my gf usually does so my bpd (and general shit mental health atm) is having a fucking field day with that. i miss her a lot. Unrelated to her but I don’t sleep or eat enough. my house is disgusting and I can’t get myself to clean it. the stupid lexapro my psych made me try gave me so many fucking side effects and I stopped taking it days ago and I’m still having the worst fucking time. i have so many bruises and scabs from how bad my skin picking has gotten from the medicine. my jaw hurts so bad bc the med made me start clenching it/gritting my teeth all the time now. my teeth feel so weak and sensitive like I’m scared they’re gonna fucking break into pieces when I eat. my acne got worse too but idk if that’s bc of the medicine or bc my hormones are crazy OR bc I’ve been on my period for basically two months at this point. i have sores on my tongue that are painful and overstimulating just to feel and i want to bite them off or something. my wisdom teeth are hurting too. im so tired. I have no excitement. im just detached from life. I’m not enjoying anything. people’s concern for me is not even fucking hitting me like it should be. I’ll be like “I want to kms” and they’ll be like “holy shit I’m worried about you i love you don’t die” and I’m just like “🤷”. it’s very frustrating. everyday feels like a shitty dream. but i never wake up. ive barely even been listening to music. which is fucking wild for me. I just listen to YouTube at work. and it’s mostly like videos on disturbing/scary shit lately. like shit I’ve barely even touched before the last few weeks. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so interested in really fucked up stuff but nothing else hits the same. I guess I subconsciously just wanna feel something. so fear and discomfort is my go-to. I’m always in pain. I have the desire to abuse drugs or drink or SOMETHING to make myself feel better. but I still really don’t even do that. oh yeah and I relapsed twice this week. once wasn’t that bad but the second time was pretty fucking rough. it’s even worse bc I literally broke apart someone’s fucking shaving razor at my friend’s house and used one of the blades. then had to wake my friend up bc the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. I need serious help. I don’t want to be hospitalized though. I did that earlier this year and it was a complete waste of time. I wish I could just die. I’m so tired of pushing through this hell. And I can’t help but think “well i guess it could be worse” which is true but also every time I think that something else happens. I want out. Please. I wish I had the fucking balls to kill myself like ive wanted to for the past like 12 years. No one can help me. I can’t even help me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I take the medicine. I go to therapy. I reach out to loved ones for help. I try to live my life. But it’s not fucking working. I’m so miserable.