#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

[salemlinnet]

hey everyone!

a few news items right before we start up chapter 5. firstly i just wanna say thanks to everyone who follows my comics, it's been a pleasure as always. i've been keeping a longer buffer on patreon than usual, mostly for my mental health. publishing takes a lot of energy and i've really felt it necessary to just focus on production for a few weeks. at this point, patrons have seen most of chapter 5, there's only one more scene and about a page to be drawn. the quiet has been nice, i've caught up on a lot of house keeping, though i'm obviously very excited to present it! and on house keeping,

DOMESTICATED IS NOW LIVE AT IT'S NEW HOME!

to not go into the boring details (the old domain got trapped between to hosting sites in the middle of a buyout), it's not hosted at cod-domesticated.com (rip custom url you will be missed) it will instead be hosted at salemlinnet.com/domesticated (now you live at my house like you're my son why didn't i think of this sooner). if you find any errors in the pages i am so sorry i just formatted so many buttons TTuTT it would be super helpful to me if folks could report any specific buttons that don't work if it's convenient, it's been beta tested by the discord (thank you guys so much) but i'm just a dunce and i can't be trusted so there might be errors.

the simons are all wearing a little beret this chapter is my third point of business, i am losing it over the ghost beret. oh and the devil may care is up to chapter 18, will be chapter 19 within a few days. page 21 is out for patrons.

finally, to the people lurking for thistle and spade. i've wanted to say for some time, i'm really grateful that you've stuck around while i've been too sick to work on a bigger project. if you were here to see me start production for and then pull ghost #1, the story behind it is that i sort of suddenly learned i wouldn't always be as sick as i was, that i didn't have to rush anything, and that i could produce thistle and spade in chronological order with a bit of patience. that left me with no smaller project to draw and release in the mean time, except, see, i really like this game, call of duty. i was still on bed rest when i started domesticated, and with a ton of physical therapy i've been able to draw longer and longer hours. it's trained me up to be a better comic artist than i ever was before. it's grown into a sturdier project at the same pace. it's so unlike thistle and spade, whose chapters were written and edited over years and planned to every gesture and expression. i'm just winging it with domesticated, i'm usually rewriting massive swaths of dialogue as i sketch the scenes out, i just keep throwing out ideas until it's something i'm excited to draw and present as my imaginary "what happened outside of the games" day dream land. it's reminded me what i love so much about story telling and comics. it's made me excited to see thistle and spade go live again down the road. but first i have to rebuild its website too TTuTT

all right i'll see everyone pretty soon! thanks for hanging around as usual!

[topazadine]

How I Am Kicking Agoraphobia's Ass

With a little help from Horse, of course

I have struggled with agoraphobia since 2017, when I was sexually assaulted. This is a common cause of agoraphobia, and it is more likely to develop in people who have CPTSD (ding ding guess who).

Anyway, I got so fucking sick of people telling me to "just go outside" as if it's so easy-peasy. Maybe for someone without agoraphobia, it feels seamless to stroll out to your car, but it's not so simple when your brain tells you that Bad Things happen when you leave the house. What are those Bad Things? idk, brain never told me. Just Bad Things.

I organized my life around my agoraphobia for many years; it's the reason I have a remote job. And the "just go outside" advice never, ever helped. The best I could do was leave the house with an Emotional Support Human (or dog), but rarely, if ever, alone.

Now I'm leaving the house at least four times a week! Voluntarily! ALONE! Without getting scared!

And sometimes I even spontaneously decide to leave the house and go to big events where there are dozens of people. Just because I feel like it.

This is momentous. If you have agoraphobia, you know how intense that is.

So what did I do? What can you do?

It's actually so simple and I have no idea why no one told me to do this years ago.

Schedule a regular event that is so exciting that you simply cannot afford to miss it.

Something you care about. Something that's so insanely tempting that you would walk over hot coals to do it. Think about something you used to care about before you became housebound, or something you've always wanted to try. For me, it was (and still is) horseback riding.

But! It must meet these conditions:

It has to happen on a regular basis at a scheduled time. Say, 6 pm every Friday. If it's just "whenever" or "once every few months," you probably won't agree to go to it every time.

There has to be a cost to missing it so your Sunk Cost Theory is triggered. Ideally, there will be multiple costs: that could be disappointing someone who has agreed to go with you every time, and that you have already prepaid for it so you'd lose money.

It has to be something that makes you happy and is just for you, not an obligation. So, therapy doesn't count. Going to the gym also doesn't count if you feel like you have to do it for social reasons or health reasons.

If you want to make this an ironclad thing, it should ideally meet these conditions too:

You learn something while there, which develops a sense of efficacy and confidence.

It's a social activity where you will make friends.

It is a physical activity that releases endorphins. (Again, pick something fun, not just going to the gym if it's not fun for you.)

There are no costs to failing. If I screw up at horseback riding or rock climbing, I'm not going to miss out on a promotion or whatever. I might be mad at myself, but I don't really lose anything by not doing it.

It has an indefinite end date; ie, this is something you could theoretically do every week forever if you want to. So if it's a class you want to take, make sure it's one where you can sign up for more classes if you feel like it.

So how do you find your thing??

Think back to a time before you suffered from agoraphobia. Might be hard if you've struggled with it for most of your life, but you might have glimmers of what you liked before.

What did you enjoy doing, or what did you want to do but couldn't? For me, I got to horseback ride as a little kid but then had to stop for money reasons. Now I can afford to do it because I'm an adult with my own adult money.

Find classes or groups in your area that cater to Thing. If they don't exist or are out of your budget, go back to the drawing board and workshop a new Thing.

Sign up for the class ahead of time. Pick a time that is within the next two weeks but preferably within the next week so you have time to prepare yourself.

If it's a paid class, pay your deposit before you get there.

Tell people you are going - as many people as you can. Now you have social and financial pressure that will make you commit.

Now, the most important part.

Research the particular place you will be going during the time between when you sign up and when you go. Learn what to expect when you get there.

Read reviews. Look at pictures online. Analyze the Google Street View. Practice driving or walking there with directions.

If you're trying a new activity, read up on it. Get beginner tips for what to expect in your first session. Watch videos of other people doing it, and read other peoples' experiences trying it out. Visualize what it will feel like to be there and what you will be doing.

This is mental rehearsal and it makes it less scary to actually step into the place for the first time. You will feel more confident when you arrive because you know what you are doing, where you are going, and what to expect as soon as you arrive.

The climbing gym I go to had a "What to Expect On Your First Visit" page that helped me a lot, and then I watched a lot of rock climbing videos and learned about the techniques so I wouldn't feel stupid. I even looked up what climbing shoes look like and how harnesses feel so I wasn't scared when I put them on.

I can't promise it will help you, but I encourage you to give it a try.

Having something to look forward on a regular basis will make it less and less scary to leave the house because, after a while, you won't even think about how unnerving the transition from Safe Space to Unsafe Space is. More and more places will become Safe, and less places will become Unsafe (within reason).

The route you take will become familiar, as will what to expect when you get there. You'll be able to practice and perfect the technique of psyching yourself up to leave home until you no longer need to; it becomes automatic.

And, most importantly, you'll see that your home isn't the only place in the world where you can exist comfortably. Everything's out there waiting for you, and you deserve to be there, too!

[uwurakax]

thank you tiktok for this thought, you are very much appreciated 💕

(obviously had to stick w my man bc like who else am i gonna be down bad for as much as him ykyk?)

but thinking about villain!oikawa and hero!reader:

you and oikawa at always at each others throats, basically the physical embodiment of "fighting like cats and dogs". he alludes you at every turn, laughing at your incompetence.

"is this who they send? how pitiful, don't make me laugh!"

yet despite how at odds you are with him, and regardless of how injured or hurt you get due to his antics, you're never really in any life threatening danger - at least not when he knows you can save yourself.

you hadn't fully recovered the last time you fought, body aching and still a bit sluggish, no where near how you would normally be on your rendezvous with him.

it doesn't take long for you to, in layman's terms, get your ass kicked. hauled through concrete walls of a decaying building, you find yourself trapped under the rubble. too exhausted and drained to move. in your peak physicality, you would've been able to. it doesn't take long for the already broken building to start crumbling down, and no matter how much you want to live, you've known your entire life this was a possibility.

dying a heroic death, fighting against evil seemed honourable.

so you close your eyes and resign yourself to fate...

until he shows up and in a blink of an eye, saves you.

you didn't know what to do after that, constantly thinking about why oikawa decided to save you from impending doom. the opportunity to dispose of his arch-nemesis and get away with, well anything he wanted, and yet...

you decide to lay low for a while, not only needing to start recovery, once again, but to take a break from.. well.. everything.

'it'll be nice to be normal for once, in forever' you think to yourself.

so after resting for a week, you head off for some much needed retail therapy. clothes, shoes, bags, jewellery. you hadn't treated yourself in such a long time, and being a hero sure had its perks; i.e the massive paycheck you receive.

you've already shopped for a little over an hour before a certain store catches your eye. mainly the mannequin wearing a beautiful satin blue, drawstring dress. you head inside, eager to at least try it on. it looked so beautiful in the window display after all!

you found the dress in your size on the rack rather quickly, practically skipping to the change rooms.

who knows, maybe you'd get lucky; your friends always did try to hassle you into going out with them, so who knows?

it didn't take long before the dress sat on your figure, hugging your curves in all the right places. but then the issues arose.

'it's way too short!' you tried pushing the dress down to no avail.

'it's too tight up on the chest' you tried adjusting and pulling on the straps, but it didn't make a difference.

you were grumbling to yourself, upset that you got excited over a dud.

taking one last look in the mirror, you turned around and you knew you definitely couldn't wear this out in public at all. the backside was shorter than the front which was awful, and you didn't realise how much of your back was exposed.

at least you tried it on, but this outfit was much too sexy for your taste.

you were about to take off the dress, hand on one of the sleeves before you heard the speaker in the store go off,

"go outside, now. or i'll blow up this entire street kay?~"

you could recognise his voice anywhere. what the hell was he doing here?! how did he even-?!

you were on autopilot, grabbing a hold of your oversized jumper to cover yourself. you had to hurry before he hurt anyone!

you were running out of the dressing room, attempting to put the jumper on before you heard the speaker go off again

"nuh uh, don't you dare put that on~"

[cinebration]

Don’t Overthink It (Tommy Conlon x Reader) [Request]

😀😀😀I can't even say how happy I am you opened requests. So female with tommy conlon. He moves in across the street from her she can't believe her luck to have such eye candy on her doorstep but would never think of anything happening with him she's happy to admire from afar. She lives alone and is one of those people (like myself) who has anxiety and is shy and social awkward. Any way even though she trys to avoid having to talk to him and such it seems like fate keeps making it happen like maybe he does things like giving her lift home when he sees her out and stuff. And she doesn't know what to be saying to him but he thinks it's cute and is quite flirty with her. And maybe she mentioned something about hating how her garden looks and wakes up one morning to a shirtless Tommy fixing up her garden.😀 Basically him bringing her out of her shell and maybe throw a little kiss in there somewhere if you can. I'm literally screaming inside with excitement I so love when you open request your the best in the business.😘—Requested by anon

Warnings: none

Gif Source: itzybitzysstuff

You woke one morning, shuffled into the kitchen for tea, and glanced out the window as you passed through the living room to see the backend of a moving truck slide out of view, revealing a man with a fighter’s build and a blank expression. You froze, then took a few steps back to better see him.

He reached down and hefted a large box into his arms with an easiness that made your throat constrict. His broad back now facing you, he ascended the porch stairs and disappeared through the open door of the house across the street.

You stared for several heartbeats, hoping to glimpse him again.

The door shut.

Disappointment mingling with a strange elation in your chest, you clutched your mug of tea tighter and wandered away from the temptation beyond the window. It felt like ages since you had seen a man who had engendered such a strong physical reaction from you. You kicked yourself mentally, admonishing yourself to get it together.

It wasn’t like you’d ever get to meet him, let alone have a chance with him. The mere thought of trying to string together more than two words in his presence made your stomach clench, anxiety prickling across your skin. Sweat already itched at your armpits.

No, you wouldn’t meet him or entertain meeting him. It would just cause you pain.

You glimpsed back over your shoulder at the closed door across the street.

~~

Your remote work—working in an office building with coworkers milling about made you want to scream—allowed you the opportunity to notice your new neighbor’s comings and goings. He would leave early in the morning and return late in the evening. You watched him lumber down the sidewalk and ascend his stairs most nights, pretending to watch television when instead you were waiting to see him. You had been convinced his first appearance had been a figment of your imagination.

You still didn’t quite believe he was real. No one had lived in that house for almost a year. Why now?

Because you were lonely and maybe a little stir-crazy. You liked the solitude, like being safely ensconced in your home, interacting face-to-face with as few people as possible unless absolutely necessary. You had never really minded it.

But seeing the neighbor stirred something like…longing deep within you. It constricted your chest and pained you more than you would ever admit to your therapist.

A week after the neighbor moved in, you cried yourself to sleep, one thought circling your mind: It’ll never happen.

You covered the window with curtains after that.

~~

Once a week, you had to leave your house to attend therapy. Though you would have preferred speaking over the phone—regardless of the fact that stirred up panic, too—your therapist, a kind but firm woman, insisted that you leave the confines of your house to see her as part of your treatment.

Every third week of the month, you had to leave for a grocery run. The days varied based on how well you worked up the nerve to step out into the world.

Five days out of the month you ventured past your front door.

The first day you braved the outside after your neighbor had arrived, you dragged along a wire-frame push cart two blocks over to the grocer on the corner of an intersection, diagonal from the pharmacy. Keeping your elbows tucked against your torso and your head down, you kept track of people by their feet as you navigated the aisles as quickly as possible without running. At this hour, there weren’t many customers, so you were able to breathe easier.

Your nightmare was that someone would ask you a question or strike up a conversation for no reason. It hadn’t yet happened, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t.

You plucked several canned goods off the shelf, picking food with long shelf lives. For the things that expired quicker, you selected only that which could be frozen and thawed for later. Practice had made the experience fifteen minutes long, with up to an additional ten minutes for lines at the checkout counter. You had it down to a science.

You rounded an aisle, heading toward the cashier.

Your cart collided with something solid.

Heart leaping into your throat, you jerked your gaze up out of reflex, praying you hadn’t hit a person.

You hadn’t. His hand had stopped the cart in its tracks.

You all but swallowed your tongue as you met blue-green eyes in a face too handsome to look at directly. Tearing your gaze away, you babbled, “I’m sorry!”

“S’okay,” a deep voice answered.

A thrill shot through your guts, chased by mounting dread. You pulled gently on the cart, trying to dislodge his grip, afraid he wouldn’t let go.

He relinquished the cart immediately.

“Sorry,” you mumbled again, trying to steer it around him.

“You live across the street from me, don’t you?”

You jerked your head up again, the breath knocked from your lungs as you swiped your gaze over his large frame.

Your new neighbor.

Throat closing immediately, you glanced down at your hands. Your vice-like grip on the bar turned your knuckles white.

“I’ve just, uh, seen you a couple times through the window.”

Your insides twisted further. He had seen you? That meant he had seen you staring. Cheeks hot with embarrassment, you only managed a distressed noise in your throat.

“I’m Tommy.” A hand slid into your vision.

You wanted to scream. You weren’t prepared for any interactions today beyond exchanging money with the cashier, let alone talk with the man you had fantasized about.

You stuck out your hand quickly, shook his briefly as you blurted your name. Rough callouses slid across your palm, sparking strange electricity up your arm and into your chest. Even as you snatched your hand back, you wanted to experience the feeling again.

“Nice to meet you,” he said.

“Yeah,” you managed, and scurried away from him, your whole neck burning in addition to your face. You were sure he could hear your thundering heartbeat.

Lining up behind a woman whose cart was overflowing, you loaded up the conveyor belt with your items and tried to focus on your breathing. You couldn’t abandon the store or your food, no matter how strong the urge was.

You glanced up at the convex mirror above the checkout line. Tommy approached from the aisle directly opposite.

Guts twisting, you glanced away. Your anxiety told you to pray he wouldn’t come near you, but something else in the back of your mind hoped he would.

He lined up behind you.

Heart thundering loud enough to make your arms and hands shake, you swallowed thickly and focused on the cracks in the plastic wrapped around the cart’s metal hand bar. The woman ahead of you took an eternity to finish. The cashier and bagger took even more time to ring up your items and put them in plastic.

All the while, Tommy stood behind you, calm and quiet, a presence you felt drawn to and simultaneously freaked out by. You hurried out of the store, forced yourself not to sprint even when you hit the sidewalk outside and started back home.

A few minutes later, someone fell into step beside you. Glancing aside, you jumped, nearly overturned your cart.

“I thought maybe you never left your house,” Tommy said. “Today’s the first I’ve seen you leave.”

He hadn’t just seen you—he’d been watching you. You didn’t know how to feel about that. You didn’t have a chance to find out, anxiety rendering your ability to think obsolete. All you could do was keep pushing the cart down the sidewalk. Tears threatened behind your eyes as the silence stretched. Why couldn’t you just be normal? Why couldn’t you talk to him?

Tommy didn’t seem to mind the quiet. He crossed the street with you and walked you to the steps leading up to your house. “I can get that for you.”

Without waiting for a reply, he took the cart from you and lugged it up the stairs. You trudged up after him, your whole body vibrating with anxiety. Some distant part of yourself watched everything from a remove, hoarding up insults to hurl at you later about your behavior.

“Thank you,” you eked out.

“No problem.”

Without another word, Tommy descended the stairs and headed back down the street. To your surprise, he didn’t return home but continued in the direction he normally took most mornings.

He had gone out of his way to walk you home.

Your heart flipped.

I think I need to throw up, you thought, fumbling with your keys.

~~

Two days later, you returned from an unproductive therapy session—your anxiety levels were still too high after your encounter with Tommy—to see the neighbor in question sitting on his porch steps. His hands were wrapped like a fighter, and in one meaty paw was a soda can. He sipped from it as he stared at nothing on the ground.

You hesitated by your steps, watching him. He seemed so distant you almost wanted to reach across space to draw him back.

What? Don’t be stupid.

As if hearing her, Tommy glanced up. The faraway look in his eyes disappeared. He lifted a hand and waved at you.

Swallowing thickly, you jerked a wave back, then scurried inside.

~~

Next week, Tommy was sitting on the steps again. You hesitated, wondering if he would notice you again.

As if on cue, he lifted his head and waved again. His lips didn’t pull into a smile, but his eyes were clear and kind.

You waved again, this time less jerkily, and entered your house with a strange, floating feeling buoying your steps.

Stop that!

~~

The week after, you returned home to find Tommy on your steps. Two cans of soda stood next to his hip.

You hesitated.

“Hey,” he said. “Soda?” He plucked up a can and offered you one.

Nerves twisted your stomach, but you accepted the soda wordlessly. It was your least-favorite brand, but you didn’t care. Tommy popped the lid on his and took a deep gulp, the liquid fizzing.

You didn’t know what to do, so you just stood there, the can clutched between your hands.

“How long’ve you lived around here?” he asked, squinting up at you.

Swallowing thickly, you forced yourself to answer as levelly as possible, “Two-and-a-half years.”

“Do you like it here?”

“Sometimes,” you blurted.

Amusement danced in his eyes. “Only sometimes?”

Embarrassment crept hot up the back of your neck. “Yeah, I guess. You know.” Your shrug felt like a robotic jerk of your limbs.

“Neighbors, huh?”

You caught yourself mid-nod. “Not, uh, not that you’re one of them. Annoying, I mean. Obviously you’re my neighbor.” Horror replaced embarrassment as you realized you were babbling, words spewing out of you and making you all the more a fool.

Tommy nodded. “You wanna go to the movies with me on Friday?”

You froze, your entire body locking down. “W-what?”

“The movies.” He glanced at your horrified expression, frowned. “Or something else, whatever.”

Open your stupid mouth and say something.

Gasping for air, you said, “Me?”

Idiot.

Amusement returned to his blue-green eyes. “Yeah.”

“I, uh…” Hysterical laughter pushed at your lips. “I don’t know.”

He paused. “Well, that’s okay. When you do know, you’ll let me know, huh?”

He stood, taking his can with him.

SAY SOMETHING!

“W-wait.”

He paused, turned back around.

“I, uh…nobody’s ever asked, so, uh, I don’t know how to do this,” you admitted, avoiding his gaze. “I’m not…I’m not good with people.”

“Me neither.”

You snorted. “Sure.”

“Most people I talk to I beat up.”

You jerked your head up, brow furrowing. “What?”

“I’m a fighter. Don’t really meet people outside of that.”

“Oh.”

“That a problem?”

You shook your head. “I’m not sure I can…places make me nervous. I’m not good with people.”

You repeated yourself, dumbass.

Fingers tightening on the can, you stared down at the pull tab, grinding your teeth, waiting for him to say “Forget it” and leave.

“You ever been to the beach?”

Frowning, you glanced back at him. “Um…no?”

“There’s not a lot of people this time of year, but the boardwalk’s still open. We could grab some takeout and then sit out there.”

You blinked in surprise. Anxiety reared its head, but desperate hope shoved it back.

“Yeah, okay.”

The corners of his lips lifted into a faint smile. “Okay.”

Nodding, you forced yourself up the stairs and through the front door, glancing back to see Tommy waiting for you to enter before walking back to his place. Heart pounding with a new feeling you were too afraid to identify, you held onto the soda can and wondered how in the hell you had managed to say yes.

Don’t overthink it, the voice in your head screamed.

Staring at the can, you held it against your chest and tried not to scream from excitement.

[thelikesofus]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by the wonderful @thekristen999, @spotsandsocks, and @hippolotamus xx

How many works do you have on ao3? 49

What's your total ao3 word count?

156,649 which seems crazy omg

What fandoms do you write for?

Currently 9-1-1

Previously: Fairy Tail, Akagami no Shirayukihime, and some rpf for K-Pop bands

Top five fics by kudos:

Words Fall Short (Tongue Tied and Lonely) 15k words

Buck misoverhears Eddie complaining to Hen at work and presumes the worst. He slowly starts to phase himself out of Eddie's life and Eddie doesn't know why.

you are my boy, buckaroo 1.7k words

Buck is in the wrong place at the wrong time and Athena comes to the rescue.

Lazy Sunday (Lay With Me) 1.2k words

A quiet, cuddly Sunday morning between Buck and Eddie on the Diaz couch.

ring the bells 5.3k words - Buddie CoffeeShop AU

Buck starts frequenting a coffee shop near the firehouse in hopes of running into the beautiful man whose coffee he mistakenly drank.

Wine (Whine) 1.5k words

Buck makes plans without Eddie so Eddie goes to Karen for wine and a whine and then comes home to Buck.

Do you respond to comments? Yes! I try to! I usually reply to some the same day I post a fic and then go back and reply to the rest a few weeks later. But every comment is so important to me <3

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I am incapable of not writing happy endings haha but the angstiest content in a fic was probably in lightning crashes seeing as Buck literally died right in front of Eddie's eyes, more than once.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Crushes, Shivers and Bruised Knuckles has a super cute sappy ending <3

Do you get hate on fics?

Not often, I've had the odd snide comment but so far I've been pretty lucky.

Do you write smut? Nope. Just not my writing vibe.

Craziest crossover:

Haven't written any crossover fics yet but i've been dipping my toes into AUs a bit more recently.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Years ago yes sort of, I had a fic reposted to another website without my permission but still credited to me.

Have you ever had a fic translated? No, not yet.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not published, but the lovely @lilbuddie and I have played around with some ideas before.

All time favourite ship? Buddie, they have taken me over body and soul. Never has a ship inspired me to write so many fics.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a few WIPs from other fandoms (not 911) that I abandoned a long time ago and now the source material has changed too much for the fics to make sense to finish which is sad cos some of them I was really excited about (RIP the Australian Adoption Adventure fic).

What are your writing strengths?

Descriptions, particularly of physical intamicy/tactile situations cos I'm hyper aware of where everyone's limbs are at all times. I think I'm pretty good at getting character's verbal tone right too.

What are your writing weaknesses? Other than finishing WIPs?? Long fics, honestly. I have so many ideas but find it really hard to plot out and execute long form fics.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? Character specific I think.

First fandom you wrote in? Fairy Tail

Favourite fic you've written? I have some new WIPs coming soon that I think will take the title but here's some current favs:

9-1-1:

Crushes, Shivers and Bruised Knuckles 9k words

Eddie starts kickboxing, goes to therapy and realizes he's in love with Buck.

lightning crashes 9.7k words

Eddie is thrown from the ladder truck during a lightning storm on a call but it is Buck who ends up in the hospital.

Not 9-1-1:

Hindsight (Through Rose Tinted Glasses) - Stray Kids (8.6k)

Hearts Beat (Louder Than Bombs) - NCT War AU (25k ongoing)

Tagging a few lovely mutuals who might like to share:

@loserdiaz @shortsighted-owl @sibylsleaves @monsterrae1 @spaceprincessem @elvensorceress @bekkachaos and anyone else who wants to tag me in their version of this! I love hear about people's writing xx

[fireheartedpup]

I think my birthday has become a trigger for me. There's no one to invite. It's nice that my parents still want to go all out, but I don't know what to tell mom because I don't want to do anything.

No one here cares about the pandemic and I'm not even sure how much to care anymore because they stopped caring when it was still in full swing. I haven't gotten covid even though I haven't avoided my family, who stopped taking precautions a few months in and think masking is stupid, so what have I even been doing? Has it done anything at all?

I'm still happy that I haven't gotten sick other the built in body issues in... how long has it been? Five fucking years? But I miss feeling normal.

I don't want to live here and I don't want to do this and I don't know what to do even when I know what to do. The only thing that really motivates me is being angry. I hate being angry.

I don't want to live in this reality and I don't have enough money to move and whenever anyone tries to change things here, they're met with a bunch of people saying you can't change things here because we haven't changed things here so you can't change things here.

I think my dog deserves better and I don't have enough money to pay off my debt, much less a specialist. She's not neglected or anything I just have higher standards now. I'm probably still alive because of her. If I die, no one will know for days. Maybe a week or more. No one's coming to check on me.

Mom might come eventually but mom comes sporadically because she tries to give me space. I flip between wanting to cut my parents out entirely and just wanting to see them. They're still conservative and I can never trust them the same way again, but they've supported me the entire time.

I did beg for some of it. But they have supported me.

Dad's cranky because prices are going up and he didn't plan on supporting me this long and he's in the same position I am. I inherited the no friends disease. I'm fucking pedigreed in mental illness. He likes drinking wine even though eating makes him throw up now. He doesn't want to see a normal doctor.

His mom has had many cancerous growths removed. I should probably get ready to deal with his stuff.

Mom clearly wants to leave and doesn't feel she can. It's tough when being with someone makes your life harder, but you can see them actively getting better. I think it's one reason she wants to keep her flight attendant job even though she's becoming less and less physically able. She can just pick up and leave whenever she wants.

I feel stupid and useless for not earning enough by now. I know that's not entirely realistic because I read it takes two years to get over an abusive environment and it's only been one. My parents love me, but living in that house put me in fight or flight mode every time I went to the kitchen.

I feel paralyzed and when I try to look up jobs I want to break down entirely. I've made half-hearted attempts to build my own thing but it feels like I'm never able to pick the right thing, that I'll always burn out, that I can never tell what's going to work, that every thing I'm actually excited about is doomed to fail.

Sometimes I don't even want to support people because it feels like my support is the death knell for their cause.

I'm trying to restructure my thinking. I spend almost all of my time doing that. It's difficult to escape the social media whirlpool when social media is so attached to so many different forms of monetary income these days.

I thought I could get free therapy with my insurance so I could bounce this off of a therapist instead of tumblr or a random person but I'm not sure anymore so I gave up.

I feel like I'm overwhelmingly tired and negative and hurt and angry and that no one should have to deal with that.

I'm trying to make friends with my neighbors, but either I don't text back in enough time or they just don't respond. I don't know why or where or when it goes wrong. I start avoiding everyone because I'm waiting for it to go wrong.

I want to get on medication but I just saw that thing about the autistic licenses in MY state. The government doesn't want me. They don't even want me to exist. I don't want to give them the option of using it against me in any way.

It's very hard to get myself out of a spiral. I should probably look into ocd help a bit more. I don't know if that's me or if this is an offshoot of something else, but either way it's connected.

The recent blog thing has just reinforced me feeling stupid and isolated. I'm very grateful for the people who've been here for me. I don't want anyone to ever feel obligated to support me. But I'm having a really hard time.

And it feels stupid to be having a hard time. I have more than most.

I want to live in a different reality.

[crowandthefics]

Leslie’s slow decline into madness

A Toa fic

All parts!

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

Hi, my names Leslie papadopoulos. My favorite jolly rancher color is red, I love mythomagic, and my brothers identity was stolen by a god.

Pretty wild, right? On my 14th birthday my brother, Lester went out and didn’t come back. I remember it well:

“Be back by 3 Lester, you wouldn’t wanna miss your sisters party,” Mom says, as Lester opened the door

“don’t worry mom! I’ll be back in time.” Lester huffs as he steps out.

Lester didn’t come back that day, or any other day. I spent the whole party saying

“I’m not doing that till Lester’s back!”

It was a rather sad party as you can imagine.

My mom made me blow out my candles before all my friends left. by then I had already figured out Lester wasn’t coming back any time soon.

My wish as I blew out my candles was for Lester to come home but the next time I would see him wouldn’t be for a long time.

Well, I never actually SAW him again, but one day he was on twitter for doing something stupid. I don’t even remember what, I just remember going to my mom all excited, and very scared because my brother was alive! And all the way in the way in LA… why was he there instead of at home? Why did he leave on my birthday? I thought we were close?

I cried that night.

Chapter two

I spent the weekend after my birthday crying. But alas I had to return to school on Monday.

I hardly payed much attention in class, how could I? My brother was gone! Why am I supposed to pretend like everything’s fine?

He was declared missing and I started believing he was dead if it wasn’t for all the images of him circling the internet.

Over the weeks my friends decided that I was to much work to be friends with. I don’t blame them, but it will always hurt.

I didn’t really make any new friends per say but this senior, Percy Jackson hung out with me. He could relate to losing people so he understood my pain as well as anyone could.

We weren’t friends but he shared my lunch period and didn’t have anyone else to sit with and neither did I. sometimes he shared his cookies with me!

The months were a blur. I didn’t know what to do so I retreated into fantasy. I already liked mythomagic but now it was my sole coping mechanism. As a result I started reading about the Greek gods.

Funny ain’t it? My brother was taken by the Greek gods and what did I hyper fixate on to escape reality? The Greek gods.

I collected every card and figure and knickknack that mythomagic made. It was all I could do to not to break down.

Then I started seeing things.

Chapter three

I started seeing things. The birds were huge monsters, a dog running down the street could look like hellhounds from my mythomagic cards, I saw teenagers holding swords.

I tried to ignore it for so long, what was I supposed to say?

“Hey mom that kid over there has a sword on his belt!”

Hell no, they’d put me in a mental hospital I’m sure!

…and my parents already lost a child, I can’t make them live with a mentally unstable child.

So I pretend everything’s normal. I don’t see weird things and I’m not breaking apart. But I learned quickly, it’s hard to hide that stuff.

“Leslie! Leslie, are you listening to me?” My mom asked frantically.

I had started crying in the living room, I couldn’t handle all the stress anymore. My brother was missing, I’m failing my classes, and on top of that I’m hallucinating now!

“I want Lester back!” I say through tears.

The rest of that night is spent like that, I wouldn’t listen to reason at.

The next week my parents put me in therapy at the first place they could find. I like to say it helped, all I really did was talk about Lester though. By this point he’d been gone for four months.

It wasn’t long after I started talking about seeing things that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I thought I had things figured out on that until one of the ‘hallucinations’ attacked me, like physically hurt me.

I was out for a walk, my therapist told me getting outside more might help.

I fell to the ground before I could think or react. I couldn’t see the monster so I didn’t know what it was, all I could do was scream.

Then there was just dust and an arrow. A girl with green hair walked up and retrieved her arrow. She looked at me and shook her head, muttering something to herself before telling me: “you should get as far from downtown as you can.”

I didn’t ask questions. I got up and left.

What? Did you expect that I’d stay and find out what was going on? Hell no when straight home and pretended nothing happened, I told my mom I fell to explain any injuries. Apparently the rest of everywhere did to because I saw nothing online about monsters or archers in downtown New York.

It was calm for a while. Until mid June.

Chapter 4

Mid June. They found his body near the Empire State Building.

It was red and brunt, painful brunt. My brother had burned to his death.

He wasn’t crispy the way you’d expect from someone who burned to death, no, he was bright red, red like a cherry jolly rancher.

It confused people. He evenly brunt all over, how was the burn so uniform? It was mystery. A mystery I didn’t want to think about.

My mother tried to calm me down, I was screaming and crying. She offered my what was supposed to be my favorite candy, a red jolly rancher.

“Red red red red no that’s what Lester looked like!” I had cried

Red used to be my favorite color, now I can’t look it and not cry.

I tried to stay calm, I really did! But I couldn’t, my brother, Lester, my dumbass brother who played piano and was late to everything and used to think you eat sunscreen was dead and I wanted him back.

All I could do was sob, my father pulled me away from the scene and took me home. My mom stayed to handle things.

I sat in the center of Lester’s room, just talking as if to him.

“Hey Lester did you know that though Demeter has the worst attack power she has the unrivaled defense?”

“Lester Lester will you play Mary had a little lamb?”

“I’m boreddd Lester… I miss you”

It helped calm me down in the afterwards. His funeral would be the next week but I wasn’t ready to see him again.

Until then, I talk to the walls.

Chapter 5

I stare out the car window on the way to the funeral.

It wasn’t raining, it was bright and sunny. Lester would’ve been sad to know his funeral was on a sunny day. He always wanted a funeral in the rain, for dramatic effect.

At the funeral home I saw way more people than I expected. People I never met.

I was anxious around the people but I tried not to pay attention. Instead eating strawberries. They had been Lester’s favorite snack so we had tons of them.

I ended up talking to one of the people who I didn’t know. He introduced himself as lyre.

“I’m sorry about the loss of your brother,” lyre said, he looked almost guilty. I wondered why.

“No, don’t apologize. You didn’t kill him.” I slightly laughed. Coping with dark humor.

Lyre glanced around nervously before laughing as well, he looked rather awkward.

“Well, still. I hope you’ve been holding up alright,” lyre responded.

“Does talking to walls count as alright?” I ask, to which lyre only shrugs.

The conversation ended there. I felt a bit weird about lyre but I just moved on, I felt weird about a lot of things right now.

I talked to a lot of people who I didn’t know. A set of siblings: will, Austin and Kayla. They were sweet, but Kayla looked familiar to me and I couldn’t figure it out. I ignored that weird feeling too.

I talked about the concept of death with someone named Nico. He was actually really helpful and helped me calm down even in the slightest. “Death happens eventually to everyone. I know it’s so cliche, but it’s gonna be ok eventually. I know how it feels to lose a sibling.”

He also played Mythomagic to so we talked about that for a while. It was something I understood like the back of my hand and it helped to talk about something I understood.

There was a little girl, said her name was Meg. She put a hyacinth on Lester and gave me a potted plant; “so you won’t be as lonely, it can’t replace your brother but it’s something at least!” She told me. It was also a hyacinth.

I held that plant the whole day.

I certainly watered it with my tears.

I can’t remember his service, I just know I cried the whole thing.

I had written out a poem he liked and placed it in his coffin along with my mythomagic figure of his favorite god, Hermes. He liked him because tricks and pranks and shenanigans were some of his favorite things.

At the graveyard I helped shovel the dirt over the coffin.

Staring at his grave I broke down again. Seeing his name in stone made it real.

Long after the funeral was over I sat talking to the grave. As if having a conversation.

Then lyre was there, He just appeared.

“Oh- uhm- sorry hi.” I scrambled to form coherent sentences.

Lyre just sat next to me. After a few minutes of awkward silence he started talking: “I am responsible for his death.” He said.

I blink, “what?”

“Earlier you said not to apologize because it wasn’t my fault, but it was. My name isn’t Lyre, my name is Apollo, and I am responsible for the death of lester.” He took a breath. “I don’t usually tell Mortals about the world of gods, but your life was ruined by it so you are owed an explanation.”

I stare at her. “Explain,” I say sharply.

“I am the god Apollo. I’m sure you know what that means from your little card game-“ I cut her off, “mythomagic.”

“-yes that. How do I put this… I recently went through ‘trials’ of sorts, my father, Zeus made me mortal in the body of Lester papadopoulos. Which is why he disappeared and eventually died. When I ascended to Olympus I can only assume his body couldn’t handle the amount of divine power and burnt to his death. So, young Leslie, I can do nothing but apologize to you,” lyre- Apollo explained to me.

“… with all the weird monsters I’ve been seeing I can’t even say I don’t believe you,” I say, dumbfounded.

Apollo sighs. “If I could bring Lester back, I would, but I can’t.” He takes a breath. “I must be leaving now, goodbye, Leslie papadopoulos.” And he disappears in a puff of gold.

I was mad. Horribly mad. I look at my brothers grave. “Lester. I will make sure he doesn’t just- just move on without caring about what. I swear that to you. I love you.” I hug his grave.

And thus begins my insanity.

Chapter 6

I’m tired. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I curse the heavens but there’s nothing I can do.

I hate the sun, I hate archery, I hate music- I hate everything Apollo stands for!

I tore apart my Apollo card, I tore a lot of my Mythomagic cards. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was scared and tired and angry, so angry.

Once I came to my senses I shoved the rest of my set in a box into the closet.

I went to my brothers grave so often. One day I was just talking to him in ramblings.

“Ya know what if I summoned Satan? Maybe if I do that I can trade my soul and everything will be fixed.” I laughed, leaned on his grave.

“How hard is it to kill god, do you think?” I asked him.

Things went just like that til I met Anne. Anne was a child of Apollo as she said.

“I fought against the gods in a war a few years back. The second titan war.” She explained to me.

Most importantly about Anne, she was willing to help me make sure Apollo never forgot what happened to Lester.

Anne and I became good friends quickly. And by August we had our plan.

Then, Anne and my plans were found out by a god.

Anne was killed by the gods.

I tore up the paper plans and sunk them in the water. I deleted any digital plans.

I removed all evidence of Anne from my life. I pretended none of that ever happened.

I decided I’d move on from the mess that has happened the last 9 months of my life. I had school to finish, I could make my life a life again.

But things could never be how I wanted them anymore.

My name is Leslie papadopoulos. I hate the color red, my Mythomagic set is long forgotten in a closet and my brother was killed by the gods.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

[jelpiparade]

Announcement & Updates!

Hello, everyone!

I hope you've been enjoying The Nightmare Prince and Victor!

I have an announcement. Four actually. The first three are positive and the fourth.... less so, but, you know. I like to be honest and transparent with you guys.

(+) Klaus' route is now finished.

I REALLY like it. It's a very mature approach to romance with both parties choosing each other rather than gradually falling in love. It's VERY different from every other romance in Belle Automata thus far in that way!

(+) The Nightmare Prince's light novel work is being resumed.

That one's pretty straightforward! Because I finished Klaus' route, I'm going to go back to focusing on The Nightmare Prince's light novel. I expect that it'll be complete in about ten to fourteen days and Victor's route in the proceeding ten to fourteen days after that. Those are the last two prizes so I highly anticipate that people will love them. To those of you who purchased physical copies, those will come out as soon as I finish the light novels.

(+) Roman's route will begin shortly.

Now you might be wondering: "owl, how can you work on both the light novels AND Roman's route?"

Carefully, haha. Honestly, Roman's route is a bit different from the light novels. The light novels are re-written content whereas Roman's route is new content. Of course, the rewritten content is a case of reformatting and adding in additional internal thoughts so it doesn't take so long. I'm very excited because Roman's route is the final route of Belle Automata. I can't believe we made it so far...

Anyway, now, the less pleasant news:

(-) I will be launching a second Kickstarter, after all.

Why? Because, frankly speaking, I have stretched the last dollar as far as I could and without further funding, the game's progress has come to a stop (aside from the writing and scripting which is the only thing I can really do.) There are certain things I am very concerned about - namely how I will be able to proceed when my funding from one source has not come through and will not come until Q2 of 2023, and my second source of funding only comes at certain milestones (for example, when I finish both routes of Chronicle III - Klaus and Roman - I'll get a chunk of funding, then when the whole game is released, I get another chunk of funding, etc.)

Between paying for my therapy sessions, the fact that I'm on FMLA and have no income and other factors, I really don't have money to spend at all to continue and I won't resume work until the second week of April.

Honestly, I do sincerely feel that a second Kickstarter is the only way out of this predicament. If all goes well, it'll be launched April 9th and I've already submitted it to Kickstarter. I hate to ask for your support, but if you do want to ensure that Belle Automata's game comes out in a timely fashion, I humbly ask your support. The goal will be ambition - $15k - but it's my hope that lovers of my work and the world of Belle Automata will show out and help us make Belle Automata's dream become a reality!

//owl.

[findingmypeace]

Edit: This post went in a different direction than I anticipated. Please read under the cut ONLY if internalized (meaning only about myself) fat phobia is not a trigger for you.

And I did it. I dissociated while b/ping. I was doing so well with no dissociation earlier. Ugh, so, so frustrating. I will probably spend the next hour cleaning up and getting ready for bed. I hate this part. It's like waking up and suddenly becoming aware of the world around you along with the whirlwind of b/ping.

Also, I'm going to work tomorrow. In-person. That part is not a problem. I do that at least 4 days a week, every week. The problem is I accidentally gave myself a black eye in the most millennial/Gen Z way possible. Laying on my back in bed this morning. I had just sort of woken up and was in and out of sleep. I was holding my cell phone right above my head. Started to fall asleep. Dropped it on my eye. Yep, I got a black eye from my cell phone! Learn from my idiocy, lol.

Finally, I have an appointment with an endocrinologist tomorrow morning. I am very excited. Yes, I am seeing it as this magic want that will make all the weight I've gained come off. I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism but given some of my other symptoms I feel like something else is going on. My nightmare is that right now it takes me a month to lose X pounds and FOUR days to gain X + 2 pounds with NO change in behaviors. And it goes round and round in a circle for months on end. And this is how I a)ended up at this weight and b)led to such extreme behaviors before res. Behaviorally, if my body wasn't broken, I would have been at very different weight. Because despite those extreme behaviors this is what was happening over and over and over again.

TW: internalized fat phobia and not external

So, endocrinologist, please cure me. Please let me lose weight again. I can't live my life in this body. Why, why, why can't my body lose weight anymore? Like at all. No matter what my behaviors are. I am desperate. I am scared that I'm just going to keep gaining regardless of what I eat or my level of physical activity. Will it ever stop?

After doing my therapy homework I realized that having a thin body is my only sense of self-worth. But I'm gaining weight so fast that "the numbers don't add up" and I must be lying about actually having BED rather than Atypical AN b/p. That hurt. A lot. I'm not saying having BED is lower in the ed hierarchy, ugh! It's that I wasn't believed. And it was all because of my fat body. I'm not exaggerating. I have no doubt that someone in a smaller body would not be told they are denying binge eating behaviors. Who would ever believe that I was once underweight and for a long time? And I can't do anything about where I'm at now. Nothing. I feel trapped and completely out of control. I just want some relief. This is weird to say but I really want something to be wrong so that maybe, just maybe, there is some kind of thing that will once again allow me to control my weight.

I'm really sorry if anyone feels judged by this post. I put it under a cut because this is about my body and no one else. I don't want anyone to feel bad about themselves. I don't see others this way which has always confused me because why can't I say the same for myself? I just hate my body and even more so because nothing I do works to change it and I have repeatedly been on the receiving end of medical fat phobia. It's not my fault! I can't doing anything about it! Someone please listen to me instead of brushing me off with that disgusting, judgemental, fat phobic bullshit! "You look obese. Let's get you a free sample of wegovy." Fuck you! "We just want to help you reach your goals." Sure, that would be great. My goal is X pounds. I might die in the process of getting your help but it's fine. At least I'll be thin." Fuck you times 500. For new followers, yes this did happen. Just before I was almost sent to inpatient but my insurance wouldn't cover it (I'm fat) so I went to residential instead. I hate myself for spewing all this bullshit. It's all a product of my eating disorder and I know it's bullshit. But so is how I've been treated and I can't do anything to change it. I want to so bad but even if I eliminate food and water and survive on air I will still gain weight. Just like I did before treatment.

I'm sorry. I might delete this. It's too much emotion. These are deep, deep inner thoughts that I've been burying for so long and it's finally bubbling over. And I don't want to hurt anyone.

[doctormage]

sorry i need to complain rly quick

ok so i went to the derby thing monday and in a nutshell it was awful solely bc i literally could not stay upright on my skates. im a severe asthmatic so i have to take albuterol before exercise and sometimes it makes me shaky, but this time my legs were like, completely and genuinely useless

everyone there was SO nice and only cared that i didnt hurt myself but im still really fucking embarrassed bc like. i make a point to exercise my legs every single day. at bare minimum i do squats and calf raises EVERY SINGLE DAY and have been for MONTHS bc of physical therapy. those two exercises particularly help keep my ankle and foot mobile so i make sure to do them, at least 30 of each, DAILY!!!!!!!!! my quads are fucking great!!!!!

so im like. alright. very cool and normal that the medication thats supposed to help me breathe is preventing me from even skating 3 feet in any direction, also very cool and awesome that people are gonna think its bc i have zero lower body strength (when in fact that is the ONLY place i have any strength!) bc my legs are like jello rn

(on top of this i was just so anxious and awkward and all this immediately brought up countless childhood memories of my gym teachers openly bullying me in front of my entire class bc i - severe asthmatic who was even worse as a child - wasn't going "fast enough" or "trying hard enough" or whatever. and also generally like the shittiness of not being able to play w your friends or whatever as a kid bc your lungs dont fucking work. so the frustration over this one thing just opened a can of worms that had been marinating for the last 26 years of my life)

(additionally i have placed a LOT on this mentally bc it's my attempt at like cultivating a hobby that involves other people and forcing myself to make friends that live in the same city as me. i've wanted to do this for over a YEAR, i was so excited after i got cleared by my physical therapist, and i also had a cold last week and was frantically doing everything i could to be better again before monday so it was just!!! a lot!!!) (i was better btw and not contagious. still wore a mask to the rink in case i coughed rly gross or smth tho)

i also thought maybe its bc my knees hyperextend REALLY really bad just like in my normal posture so my center of gravity is always all fucked. so on top of my shaky ass legs im trying to combat the entire way my body holds itself and has ALWAYS held itself, while attempting to maintain balance on wheels, and not default to What I Literally Always Do Subconsciously Because That's How My Legs Work. anyway

yesterday it was rainy so i couldnt skate but today i put my skates on and im like. completely fucking fine. not trembling at all, totally capable of remaining upright, maintaining proper form, skating around, everything, even with my fucked up backwards knees. what the hell and fuck

on monday i'd borrowed skates from the rink bc i didnt want to be the only one in new-looking non-derby skates (which i wouldnt have been anyway) so i guess it could be because their skates didnt really fit me right or they're flat and my skates have a heel but like????? why???????? why am i fine now ???????????????????

we have practice again tomorrow and i will ABSOLUTELY be wearing my own skates idgaf how stupid they look i am not putting myself in that position again. i NEED people to know i have functional legs ;_;

[truckfreaks]

I feel awful about it all, really, because she was so excited to see me

A lot of them were, but I found myself sitting there and wondering...... why am I here? who are these people?

and then my friend gave me this long, very sweet note, and it said,

"You're so funny, and you're the life of every party."

it made me smile, but it made me sad, too, for really just the dumbest reason. because I know it's true, I know everyone looks to me to say something funny or ridiculous, but I just... couldn't do it today, didn't have it in me

last night was just so... sad. and it wasn't! but it was at the same time. a friend of mine said some things to me that really truly broke my heart, and I know she is struggling, and it just carried with me all through the day

and then today when I was looked to and expected to be this certain way, well, I'm glad that people look at me and think that, but it can be so exhausting sometimes.

and I just found myself really just... out of things to say, on autopilot, so quickly. I couldn't eat. It was just so strange. I got burnt out so, so fast.

I just hit this wall and felt so, so heartbroken. So I just took my meds and crawled into my bed and i put on a movie and I'm doodling and trying not to be crushed by this crushing feeling but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

I feel really, really alone most of the time, even when I am with other people.

Life is very beautiful and I love to experience it but I just wish I felt like I knew more people that were ... idk... like me? I don't know how to explain it. I can't articulate it. Sometimes the only person that gets me is me, and that feels ... bad.

It scares me, because I don't understand how I am going to keep moving. The weight of it is so, so much sometimes. Usually if I am occupied it doesn't bother me. But it is starting to bleed into everywhere and everything and I don't know what to do. I did everything right. I take my meds. I go to therapy. I talk about the things that give me nightmares three times a week with a professional. I do "The Work". I have books on books on books about unpacking physical and sexual abuse and all this stuff I'm supposed to just, idk, learn and utilize and become Better, and just, none of it works.

Are some people just fucked? Am I fucked? Idk.

[journeyss]

Ok I’m starting this journey to the self I want to be physically & mentally. Like in every way I’m going to upgrade .

And the important part of that is me getting my thoughts out, not problem dumping on friends or family, holding my own emotions & ups and downs

It’s important to have a good support system for bad times or crazy time but I have to be honest with myself, I do not have the luxury.

I love the few friends I do have but I have to set boundaries in friendships (which I haven’t before & it bites me in the ass) something’s is just my business only, I don’t want to over share, I use to be so open because I thought if they knew they would handle me like a flower when I need it but that wasn’t the case so yea no over sharing what I’m going through is my business

And I can go to therapy but I honestly have normal average problems, it’s nothing I can’t handle

Wanting success so bad just make me anxious and I think it’s healthy anxiety, it’s nothing wrong with wanting more and wanting better. I just cope and keep it moving

I’ve been “down” for 2…3 years just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. 1st year down was my art journey , which I’m still on , but I’ve accepted it more like a hobby even though I would love to monetize but it’s more of a coping mechanism when I need to regroup and get my mind right. I just discovered this

2nd year was 9-5 & trying to become a entrepreneur, that lifestyle didn’t work, but I gained a skilled that I can use for the rest of my life. So I win is a win

& this year , year 3 I decided to enter a completely different industry, love the work I do. It really feeds my mind & my wanting to keep learning. Very high stress but it gets better when I find a good work life balance.

I’ve came to terms with not having time for my many hobbies but they’ll always be there for me when it’s time to cope.

I have a little body dysmorphia right now because I want to get my body done. I’ve been “small” most of my 20s & I’ve accepted the fact that I’m just not going to get any bigger or curvier so let’s just put it there. I already eat fairly healthy & im committing to 2 days a week in the gym so now I just need the body lol and my body isn’t bad , I just want morrreee.

Goal #1 skinny bbl

Since I don’t have a a real system or family. I have to always be independent and self reliant. Going to nursing school is my biggest goal but its a journey with in itself but I’m excited. I always thought I was a healer, that’s why attract the people I do lol but my career also have to be meaningful and have impact. I have to feel like I’m doing something really important. & it always have been that way it sucks to say but having a good job has always defined me. Being successful has always defined who I am. Career isn’t life but I will feel really great when my grandma say “my granddaughter is a nurse” or when my future hubby say “my wife is a nurse” I want people to be proud to be connected to me. I just figured out why , I was never proud of anything growing up, the essay they make you write all the time “who is your role model?” I never had one and always made it up, I wasn’t proud of my mom or dad, I honestly wasn’t proud of anybody around me, it was so chaotic. I want the opposite for myself.

Goal #2 apply for nursing school

I would say all my other goals come after these 2 and aren’t as big and can easily be done just have to make the time & make a effort to make the time

I can admit I lost myself a little in covid, being best dressed has always been my favorite thing to do. And I completely let that go AGAIN but I’m rebuilding my closet and I’ll be back to it

Mini goal #1 get fresh & stay cute

Now I need a new car but I’m picky and I want one of my dream cars, Camaro, like I need that , I work so hard I can get that & I want it paid off. After my bbl this is next .

Goal #3 Camaro

They say money can’t buy happiness , but if u do the self reflecting and mental work to become a better person and your last step is a successful career. Money can definitely buy happiness.

Goal # 4 stay gracious

Cheers to reinventing myself , the bigger better me

[commoncorps3]

lol im not sure my mental and physical health has ever been this bad.

im kinda suicidal again instead of just being numb, empty, and having depersonalization/derealization but I don’t even know who to tell. my friends are probably getting overwhelmed with me/tired of me doing so bad all the time. it’s gotta be a real bummer. can’t tell my family bc they freak out or the complete opposite just tell me it’s gonna be ok. my girlfriend has DID and hasn’t fronted in several days because she’s been having a hard time mentally and physically so one of her alters (who I am not dating) has been in control. this alter doesn’t really talk to me nearly as much as my gf usually does so my bpd (and general shit mental health atm) is having a fucking field day with that. i miss her a lot. Unrelated to her but I don’t sleep or eat enough. my house is disgusting and I can’t get myself to clean it. the stupid lexapro my psych made me try gave me so many fucking side effects and I stopped taking it days ago and I’m still having the worst fucking time. i have so many bruises and scabs from how bad my skin picking has gotten from the medicine. my jaw hurts so bad bc the med made me start clenching it/gritting my teeth all the time now. my teeth feel so weak and sensitive like I’m scared they’re gonna fucking break into pieces when I eat. my acne got worse too but idk if that’s bc of the medicine or bc my hormones are crazy OR bc I’ve been on my period for basically two months at this point. i have sores on my tongue that are painful and overstimulating just to feel and i want to bite them off or something. my wisdom teeth are hurting too. im so tired. I have no excitement. im just detached from life. I’m not enjoying anything. people’s concern for me is not even fucking hitting me like it should be. I’ll be like “I want to kms” and they’ll be like “holy shit I’m worried about you i love you don’t die” and I’m just like “🤷”. it’s very frustrating. everyday feels like a shitty dream. but i never wake up. ive barely even been listening to music. which is fucking wild for me. I just listen to YouTube at work. and it’s mostly like videos on disturbing/scary shit lately. like shit I’ve barely even touched before the last few weeks. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so interested in really fucked up stuff but nothing else hits the same. I guess I subconsciously just wanna feel something. so fear and discomfort is my go-to. I’m always in pain. I have the desire to abuse drugs or drink or SOMETHING to make myself feel better. but I still really don’t even do that. oh yeah and I relapsed twice this week. once wasn’t that bad but the second time was pretty fucking rough. it’s even worse bc I literally broke apart someone’s fucking shaving razor at my friend’s house and used one of the blades. then had to wake my friend up bc the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. I need serious help. I don’t want to be hospitalized though. I did that earlier this year and it was a complete waste of time. I wish I could just die. I’m so tired of pushing through this hell. And I can’t help but think “well i guess it could be worse” which is true but also every time I think that something else happens. I want out. Please. I wish I had the fucking balls to kill myself like ive wanted to for the past like 12 years. No one can help me. I can’t even help me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I take the medicine. I go to therapy. I reach out to loved ones for help. I try to live my life. But it’s not fucking working. I’m so miserable.

[bookstoreadbtr]

The pandemic is a word I sure you do not want to hear for another hundred years. Although a very tragic time in history, it still birthed forth some amazing and wonderful ideas. Annette Czech was inspired during the lock down to publish a book from an idea that came from her children. I had the chance to speak with her about her book publishing journey.

When did you first notice your joy for writing? Born and raised in Parma Heights., OH, I wrote and produced plays with my neighborhood elementary school friends using garages as stages and charging only $.05 for attendance (popcorn was free). Although the play and story writing continued, productions were halted as the actors were lax in putting away everything they had lugged out of houses. My love of making up stories continued in life, ultimately shared with my 2 sons as they created the Miso Mice in the 1990’s and imbued them with superpowers, and as Pokémon was very popular at that time, individual trading cards.

What inspired you to write your first book? One of 5 sisters, in March 2020 (think pandemic), we began zooming together every week, ended up calling the sessions IdleChatter5 (cheaper than therapy!), and even creating a website summarizing all of our chatter! Many of the topics discussed were about what we termed “The Self Project” — creating our own future selves. We literally spend (as we continue to zoom even now) up to 3 hours almost every week chattering. Conversations range from the exchange of what each sister is doing this week, health information and recipes, to discussing time travel, the multiverse, and questions such as “why are we here” and “what are we doing here” (here meaning Earth)? These sessions changed my way of thinking about everything — realizing that I can (as the Miso Mice say) “choose’ndo” (associated with Universe rule #1: everything gets to choose). This attitude and awareness, that everything is my choice, totally transformed my life both physically, mentally and emotionally. I lost 40 lbs.; lowered my blood pressure; am now consciously aware of what I eat; and swim and walk daily. I am happy! I wanted to share this information with others — that you can create your own future self (if you want) — as it has brought me great joy — but many of the concepts discussed were very academic (and to my mind boring) in nature. Voila — enter the fantasy world in the 🐭 Adventures of the Miso Mice, a different take on the life changing, reinvention, health, lifestyle type of books, presenting these themes in a fun, fantastical manner with language and pictures that can be understood at many levels by all ages through the shenanigans of these 5 whimsical fantastical mice (and yes their characters are indeed based on me (guess who I am!!) and my 4 sisters). I can’t chronicle quickly enough the adventures of these fantastical Miso Mice and book #6 is almost completed!!

What is the synopsis of your first book? 🐭 Adventures of the Miso Mice Book 1: How it All Started and Adventures 1–5 SYNOPSIS

Rumor has it that it all started up in the Universe, but that’s not a rumor at all — it’s actually true! Thinking about it, anyone can see how it became a rumor as lots is going on up there and it’s very possible that no one actually noticed the beginning, much less documented it. Choices are constantly being made by every THING. That’s Universe Rule #1: every THING always gets to choose; that is, sometimes it’s Universe Rule #1 as the Universe’s fine print says: The Universe reserves the right to change it’s mind anytime for any reason without notice as the Universe gets to choose too.

(As sometimes in their excitement to share their story, the Miso Mice jump from one idea to the next rather quickly without any explanation, these little sidebars are included to help make sense, although it’s really your own choice, in regard to what sense you make of their story.

Not sure if you can read the fine print, so here is the Universe fine print in larger print: “The Universe reserves the right to change its mind anytime for any reason without prior notice as the Universe gets to choose too. Also, some say there’s a typo in the paragraph above — THING capitalized. It’s not a typo. In summary, the Universe’s definition of THING is everything and that includes…. hmmm…..let’s just say lots!)

The choices being made are creating all kinds of wonderful and amazing things. Some of those things that are being created are sparks of light energy that the Universe has nicknamed “sprites” and they are moving around the Universe all the time, as one of of the Universe’s favorite pastimes is creating sprites, and experiencing the sprites’ creations. (You are one of those sprites!)

Five of those sprites saw a treasure chest that was floating in the middle of nowhere and being as curious as they were, of course, had to investigate. So they came up to the treasure chest and it magically opened and all kinds of things floated out including a magical button that answered any question the sprites asked!

The first question they asked was: “Who are we?” as doesn’t everyone want to first know who they are? And the answer they got: Fill yourself with bright light. Become consciously aware of the timeless energy that is you — choose and create!

(The Miso Mice named the button PressThisButton and ask it everything. That’s why all answers are italicized in green. Also, PressThisButton is not just for the Miso Mice, it’s actually available to all things. Things can use PressThisButton in all kinds of ways, and in all kinds of situations, but they only figure it out when they are ready…. Are you ready?)

The sprites did exactly that — they became aware that they were timeless energy and those 5 sprites chose to create themselves as the Miso Mice complete with superpowers, as doesn’t everyone want a super power? Please meet Polly Hedron who delights in being physical; Curiosity Launch whose thinking is “non-linear”; Suzy Butterfly, a master researcher, sage and teacher; Shelly Beachcomber who loves searching for treasure on the beach; and Katalina Awsum who is pure Zen. These 5 curious fantastical Miso Mice love to do all the things, especially idle chattering, but adventuring is their most favorite.

The Miso Mice then went back to PressThisButton and asked, “What do we do next?” as once you know who you are, don’t you want to know what to do? Coincidence — something happened — maybe small, maybe big, or even a dream, but it made you take notice. It was significant to you and held a feeling of timelessness. Stop and catch that feeling outside of time. And the Miso Mice experienced a feeling from a way long time ago. The feeling was associated with a song that they had always sang together before any adventures; a song that ensured they had the best, most super fun and safe adventures. They knew and felt that the song was very important to them and together they danced, and effortlessly the words of the song just flowed:

Open heart, open mind, for highest good, for always and in all ways.

Right after the song, they immediately went back to PressThisButton to ask: “Where do we go?” Remember the feeling of coincidence and timelessness you just had. Catch that feeling outside of time again, choose and create! That was it — so obvious! They chose and created themselves, they could choose and create anything else they wanted, where they wanted to go, how they wanted to get there, and what they wanted to do! And they chose a most excellent Miso Mice specially created sailing ship complete with tiki huts, swimming pool and sun chairs as their vehicle, and chose Earth as their destination.

And as you might suspect, their next question for PressThisButton was “What’s our adventure?” To find The Answer Book — to realize what is within your chosen created self which creates your chosen future reality! WOW! This was going to be a really fun adventure and the Miso Mice realized that PressThisButton would be a very valuable tool as they searched for The Answer Book, so they put the button back into the treasure chest along with all of the other things that had floated out, placed the treasure chest into their sailing ship and set sail to Earth.

As the Miso Mice were navigating to Earth, in another part of the Universe, a group of old sprites asked their PressThisButton for something new as many of their choices had previously involved saving a world or galaxy from unsavory characters, and in answer they combined themselves and chose to create as Kaame (rhymes with Sammy) and that unbeknownst to Kaame, she would meet the Miso Mice, become great friends and also learn how to create her own future self!

Together, they go on adventures riding sea horses and meet a star fish who needs to help his fellow star fish on the beach get into the sky. Through PressThisButton everyone agrees that the Zodiac Girls, who are already in the sky can help the star fish (and the Miso Mice have to drop off the sea glass that they found on the beach anyhow, as the Zodiac Girls use it to make jewelry) so they plot a course to the Aries Star Port. At the Star Port they meet Sandman who would like to cross the Rainbow Bridge (can the Miso Mice take him there?) and learn about “choose’ndo” the 100%, AAA+++ credible means of getting anything done: 1) you choose, 2) you just do it. (Some like to abbreviate the process as ‘choose’ndo’.) The Zodiac Girls invite the Miso Mice to attend their Quantum Entanglement Party and they delay their search for The Answer Book to do so.

However, the Miso Mice did not know that Curiosity’s old nemesis Lobsta Clamdestino, the nefarious underwater sand dollar counterfeiter and casino owner has heard that the Miso Mice have a treasure on board their ship and he wants it!

🐭 Adventures of the Miso Mice continue in Book 2 of the series: 💫The Quantum Entanglement Party …. Oh no — the treasure chest and magical button are gone! Did the nefarious Lobsta Clamdestino steal them? Without them, will the Miso Mice finish their quest to find The Answer Book? Go on more crazy and magical adventures as the Miso Mice attend a very entangled party, receive the rare gift of Tem-E-Laks, and then go Timewalking!

What was the most challenging thing you experienced during publishing your first book? All of the 🐭 Adventures of the Miso Mice books are self-published using organizations and software available for free on the Internet. I think that self-publishing is easy — if you go step by step through the on-line instructions. That written it is immensely time consuming taking approximately 2–4 hours to have the book “go-live” on the various platforms that I have chosen — both paperback and digital. And that’s if you have all of the information you need to complete the process. I would suggest reviewing your chosen publishing process in advance and gathering the information that is necessary before beginning the actual process.

Both 🐭Adventures of the Miso Mice and 💫The Quantum Entanglement Party are now available in digital and/or paperback versions from bookstores including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Hudson Booksellers, Books-A-Million, LA’s The Last Bookstore, and many more independent bookstores through Bookshop.org.

To read full interview go to: https://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2674874

[frogtanii]

[buckle up; this one is a long one (1.6k words)]

things weren’t supposed to turn out this way.

she was supposed to show up, apologize “sincerely,” and the boys, her boys, were supposed to welcome her with open arms and swiftly discard of you.

instead, she was sitting in the back of a cramped police car with two pigs, one of which had a horrible b.o. problem and an affinity for sauerkraut.

it was so frustrating.

and, of course, it was all your fault.

you’d been blocking her from true happiness ever since the beginning when you’d first met in middle school. it was crazy because you’d actually seemed nice; kind, understanding, and you didn’t judge her for what her father did to her mother or for how she acted out because of that.

sure, you were a little weird and sometimes you could be downright rude to other kids in your class but you cared for her in a way that no one else had before.

(un)fortunately, you didn’t come alone — you were a packaged deal. your childhood friend, daishou, came into her life right along with you. she didn’t mind at first; daishou was fun when he wanted to be but he was mostly full of snarky comments and sarcastic quips.

the three of you spent all your time with each other; from playing at the playground to helping her begin her makeup youtube channel in 8th grade.

you all got along pretty well up until you got to highschool. once there, you threw yourself into your studies, sort of retracting yourself from her and daishou.

how selfish.

she couldn’t help but feel betrayed by you—you knew how bad she was at making friends and you didn’t even care, leaving her all alone to fend for herself.

well, not all by herself.

daishou was a constant. no matter where she was, or how alone she was feeling, he was there to provide entertainment at the most, and his presence at the least.

it wasn’t always the healthiest, most functional friendship, she could admit that. there were weeks that daishou would choose to ignore her for no apparent rhyme or reason, citing his explanation as he just didn’t feel like it.

obviously it sucked but he was her only friend, ever since you so cruelly abandoned them. i mean, you still ate lunch with them every day and invited them over to study and hang out, but it was not the same.

with you so absent, she grew closer and closer to daishou to the point she was spending almost every waking moment with him. and, as the story so goes, she fell for him, head over heels.

she knew it was a bad idea, if their friendship was anything to go off of but she didn’t care. she was desperate for love and physical affection and he seemed willing to at least give her the latter.

after she decided to confess, nerves all the way in her throat and a box of chocolates behind her back, daishou took her virginity in the back of his ford fusion, hard, fast and nothing like she’d imagined.

the next day, she’d cornered you in the library (where you always seemed to be) to tell you the good news. your face was unusually blank as she detailed the best night of her life to you, your response being less than stellar when she was done. “please be careful,” you had said.

what did that even mean? you clearly wanted to keep daishou safe from her which was ridiculous because weren’t you supposed to be her friend too? she’d stormed out of the library after that, determined to demand a kiss from daishou to make her feel better.

that day was one of the last that she’d see you for a while. you got caught up with clubs and schoolwork (and apparently therapy for god knows what) while she got caught up with daishou.

things with him weren’t... great. they never really were but things were getting even worse. his random bouts of silence got longer and though it was only freshman year and they’d been dating for less than 5 months, he’d meet with her after school with a hickey plastered on his collarbone that she knew she didn’t put there (she sucked even harder over the spot to claim it as her own).

as she said, things weren’t great but they weren’t horrible either. they remained that way all the way up until sophomore year.

you and her had drifted even further, hardly speaking to one another unless it was for a project or to vaguely greet one another in the halls. it was okay though. you had all your other friends and she... well she had daishou.

speaking of, her “boyfriend” had been more distant than usual. she wasn’t an idiot and she knew he’d been seeing other girls on the side, but she believed she would be the one he’d end up with, the one he’d marry.

how foolish she had been.

it was prom night and she felt beautiful. her beauty channel had finally begun picking up traction (she’d just hit 13k subscribers the night before!!) so she filmed a prom night makeup tutorial, making sure that every square inch of her face was perfect. donning a silky blue floor length dress, she felt like a princess and she certainly looked the part.

she showed up to daishou’s house about 30 minutes before the event, ringing his doorbell with an elated grin painted all over her face. he had mentioned in passing that his parents and older sister would be out for the weekend, leaving the house for themselves. that meant sex and sex meant being wanted.

after the third ring of the bell, she started to get nervous. maybe he wasn’t ready yet? maybe he needed help with his tie? just when she was about to wring the bell again, the door swung open to reveal daishou... not in his suit.

“oh, it’s you,” he’d grumbled. “‘m not goin’ to prom.” she felt her breath catch in her throat. she’d protested and begged for an explanation but he wouldn’t give one to her. eventually, she’d followed him into his house, furious because how could he do this to her? on her night?

it didn’t take very long for him to get fed up, his snake-like eyes honing in on her, filled with venom. “‘m not goin’ because i don’t like you anymore. you still look pretty though.”

just like that, with just a few words, he’d shattered her heart. she was frozen in place, completely disconnected from daishou, her love, as he not-so-gently pushed her out the door, slamming it in her face.

she felt tears stream down her cheeks and before she knew it, her legs were carrying her to a place she hadn’t been in months.

banging frantically on the door, she cried out, begging for someone, anyone to hear her. the door opened quickly and there you stood. you’d clearly been studying but as you took in her frazzled appearance, it seemed as though your heart broke.

you ushered her inside, sat her own the couch, and began to make her a cup of tea, your parents having been out for the night as well. once the kettle went off, you quickly prepped her drink and gave it to her, the words flowing out of her like liquid once she had taken a sip.

she didn’t know why she was even there but despite the animosity between the two of you, you seemed like you truly... cared. (neither of you mentioned the tears that stained your favorite t shirt or the quiet apologies you muttered into her hair).

that night quickly went and passed and by the next day, she was feeling rejuvenated and more like herself. however, that feeling quickly dissipated when she caught you in the hallway between classes speaking with daishou behind the stairwell in hushed tones.

within the span of a few hours, her heart had been broken twice and she was sure she’d never felt such heartache before.

she turned on her heel and darted away, avoiding your every attempt to talk to her for weeks and weeks until you just... stopped trying. after you’d cut off conversation, yet again, the sadness quickly festered and morphed into anger.

that anger only grew when she watched you graduate at the top of your class in your senior year, your smile blinding as you accepted your diploma. it only grew when she saw that you had made it into the university of your choice on your instagram story, her own rejection letter torn up in the bottom of her wastebin. it only grew when she saw you’d made your own youtube channel, her own going untouched and neglected (her last video had been a half-assed “get ready with me” that had more dislikes than likes due to her horrible makeup and even worse attitude).

soon enough, the rage had intensified until it had taken over her whole being. she was just so angry at all that you’d done to her, all the ways you’d ruined her life that she couldn’t keep herself from plotting your demise.

when she got the email from the hyper house management team that invited her into the house and offered the option that she could pick someone she wanted to move in as well, her anger turned into excitement.

this was her chance. this was her moment to turn your life into a living hell, to make it at least a fraction of what she went through by your hands.

she was going to make you pay and god, was it going to feel great.

the metal of the handcuffs chafed her wrists as she adjusted herself against the cool leather of the cruiser, the discomfort removing her from her reverie.

yeah, right. it seemed as though she was the only one “paying” right about now.

she tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling, tears filling her eyes but refusing to fall.

things definitely weren’t meant to turn out like this. not at all.

℗ poker face

not like this

series masterlist

(●’◡’●)ﾉ

an - OMFG THE BACKSTORY REVEALED I AM SO OVER IT >:(( this took me forever to write and i still wasn’t able to include everything i wanted to so hop over to my asks if you need any clarification!! oh oh && just a reminder, this playlist is from meiko’s perspective so chances are, things didn’t exactly go just like this wink wonk KAJS ANYWAYS DONT FORGET TO FEED ME ILY <3333

taglist - if your name is in bold, i cannot tag you

@boosyboo9206 • @geektastic84 • @elianetsantana • @trashy-simp • @infinitebells • @6mattsun9 • @suhkusa • @katsulovee • @kotarosbabygirl • @fucktheworlddude • @insomniacwreck • @calumsfringe • @saltylettuce • @chai-blu • @al3x1ss • @hawksyoongi • @jooleuuh • @loubells • @kissungjae • @liberhoe • @tetsurocore • @animeoverdosee • @duhsies • @saiKishaircLip • @afire24 • @premiyagi • @kit-kat428 • @doctorspencereid • @daphnxy • @kyomihann • @maer-333 • @sinoflust19 • @peteunderoos • @peachiikichu • @iidanotlida • @yongboxerrr • @kac-chowsballs • @tanakaslastbraincell • @memorableminds • @risjime • @starry-magicshop • @sugavwara • @smuttyanimeslut • @kiwibirbs-library • @haijkk • @airybnb • @crybabygumi • @iwaisa • @decaffinatedtealover • @notameera • @kawaii-angelanne • @rintarovibes • @urlocalsimp • @keiarma • @shrimpypenis

the rest of the tags will be in the replies!!