#im so happy i have time to draw again!! but its so exhausting to do so lol

[cowboyreminders]

Week 1 - First Rodeo - And many choices 🌵🐎🌵

@yeehawgust

[ilonacho]

it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat

[stevie-petey]

stug stug stug pleaseee i would LOVE to see something where bug is comforting steve maybe he had a fight w his dad or j in general. i’m so excited for season 4! but obvi take your time j know that we’re all very excited bc we just know that you will blow us away with your writing!!

really missin happy steve and bug so im writin this <33

enjoy !

"i dont think it looks that bad."

"youre a terrible liar, y/n."

"im not lying!" but the way your voice pitches gives it all away, and steve knows it.

"im ruined." he drops his head into your lap, burying his face in the flesh of your thigh. partially because hes mourning the loss of his hair, but mostly because he adores your thighs and revels in them whenever he can.

steve is in mourning. he can be as selfish as he wants when it comes to your thighs. its his god given right as your boyfriend.

knowing what hes doing, you shove steves face away from your thighs, though not unkindly. youre still shy around him, his touch against your bare skin foreign after only a month of dating. steve is gentle and patient with you, he understands that youve never really been in a relationship before, so he takes his time with you.

secretly, you adore how gentle he is. how cautiously he skims his fingers over your waist or how softly he breathes against your neck. it makes everything easier, lighter, for you. to be loved so tenderly without any falsehood behind it.

lost in your honey warmth of love for steve, your fingers tangle through his hair. that is, whats left of it. steves chest faces you, the hem of his shirt has lifted slightly during his complaining. soft skin spills out from underneath, revealing a plush tummy. with a mind of their own, your eyes draw down the lines of his abdomen. a low hum stirs in your own stomach.

"are you seriously checking me out right now?" steve taps your nose with his finger, snapping you out of your daze. "i mean, here i am, the love of your life, mourning the loss of beautiful hair that was taken from us too soon, and youre drooling over me."

you flick his forehead, he scrunches his face, and its familiar and lovely. "i wasnt drooling, i just wasnt listening to your dramatic despair."

steve gasps, hand over his chest. "my hair was murdered!"

"honey, only like, two inches were cut off."

well, more like three, but you wont tell him that.

somehow one of the kids, almost certainly mike, left their chewed up gum on the counter top of family video when they visited earlier today. they came in like a storm, turning the place upside down before you, robin, or steve could even stop them. apparently dustin had wanted a new movie, will was bored, lucas wanted max to go outside, and el forced mike to join because shes never seen a movie store before.

the wreckage they left behind for such simple reasons for even entering the store in the first place had astounded you.

then, because steve is always perpetually suffering the consequences of the partys actions the most, had dropped his head down onto the counter top in exhaustion as soon as they left.

right in the same spot the gum had been left.

never before have you ever seen steve crumble to the floor quite so suddenly. it was comical, really. the way he shrieked in horror while you and robin watched, neither having any idea what had just happened.

which leads you to now: consoling steve as you comb through his newly cut hair.

"what, are you implying two inches isnt a huge amount of length?" steve raises an eyebrow at you, teasing, and you blush furiously. sparing you, he doesnt point it out and instead changes the topic. "i hate those little heathens, i really do."

"how do we know one of them is the gum culprit?"

"because theyre cursed little shitheads who always mar my appearance one way or another." then, as an afterthought, steve adds, "plus that wheeler kid has a weird obsession with watermelon gum."

again you try to defend the kids, even though you know it was most definitely mike. sure, he shouldnt have left his gum on the counter, but it was funny. "and how do we know it was watermelon gum?"

"i could smell it when robin was cutting all my hair off, angel."

"and yet youre as handsome as ever!" you press a purposely messy kiss atop of steves head, blowing slightly into his face and making a dramatic kissing sound when you pull away. anything to distract him from realizing it was all mikes fault.

gotta protect the little shithead somehow.

steve shrieks, reminiscent of the shriek from earlier, and shoves you away as he wipes at his face. "ew!"

"how dare you wipe my kiss away, steve harrington."

"you spit on me!"

"lovingly."

steve rolls onto his stomach and throws himself onto you. now its your turn to shriek as he throws his weight on top of you, tackling you onto his bed. luckily his parents arent home, otherwise theyd have some very horrified questions.

"steve!" you land with a soft thud on his pillows, and he smiles up from above you. hes all proud, his cheeks flushed a pretty pink, and his eyes shine with adoration for you.

hes beautiful. you cant believe hes yours.

"youre supposed to be comforting me, angel!" steve presses himself down even more, rendering you unable to move and wiggle away from him. you squeal when his hands find your sides, fingers digging into your skin as he tickles you. "i mean, im wounded here!"

you squeal with laughter as his hands attack you, mercilessly, yet gentle nonetheless. "s-steve! stop!"

"not until you apologize to my hair."

"your hair?" more laughter rips from your chest, ribs aching.

"mhm, tell my hair that its still handsome. his feelings are hurt." steve buries his nose into your neck, causing you to giggle even more, and the sound encases his body and reminds him of everything good and lovely.

you try to pull away, but steve has you pinned. "youre-ah! youre such an-an idiot!"

"that doesnt sound like an apology, y/n."

finally giving up, you force out an apology in between breaths of laughter. "i-im sorry! your-your hair is handsome!"

steves fingers leave your sides, but he pulls you deep into his chest and collapses upon you. he nuzzles into your neck, wraps his hands around you, tries to meld the two of you into one. "much better," he mumbles into your skin.

"your hair really is handsome, you know." you draw circles into steves back, breath slowly returning to normal. fingers finding his hair once more, you play with the strands and massage his head with your nails. "youre handsome. two inches lost or not.”

"really?" steve lifts his face, looks down at you, preening at your words with an unusual shyness.

you bring your hands to his face, holding it with all the love you have for him. "the handsomest."

lips find lips, and soon the two of you get lost in each other as you inevitably always do.

[h3arts4harry]

- its always been you -

-

warnings: WLW ANGST, no happy ending, not v nice bf if u ask me, death

billie eilish x fem!reader

-

- billies pov -

you're 13

45 girls are at soccer tryouts, you get nervous youre not going to make the cut, pacing back and forth

"hey, you okay" you hear a soft voice ask from behind you

you dont recognise the voice

"yea just a little nervous." you reply with a slight chuckle as you turn around

"me too, dont worry to much about it im sure youll do great" says a girl with the sparkliest eyes you've ever seen

you quickly became friends from only 2-3 hours of knowing eachother.

"bye bils!" she calls out as she runs over to her mums car

"no wait-" you yell, but she doesn't hear. what if you never see her again?

its been 3 weeks and you finally got the email youd been so excited for, you made the team!

first day of practice, you see her eyes in the crowd of girls and instantly feel yourself begin to smile

you guys turn into best friends so quickly, its as if you've been friends for years

"hey how old is your brother?" she asks one day after coming to your house

"16 why?" you reply, confused

"hes cute" she says with a faint smile

a strange nauseous feeling falls over you

"oh" you manage to mutter quietly

"haha sorry" she says as she begins to feel the awkward tension filling your bedroom

but it wasn't that she liked your brother. it was because she didn't like you.

you guys stopped talking when the soccer season ended, and you dont see her ever again.

now youre 18

its your senior soccer season, and at your first game you see her on the opposite team

your eyes widen as you see shes only became more beautiful now.

a guy runs over to her and wishes her luck before hugging her and running back to the bleaches

youre knocked out of you trance by your teammate pushing you over to start warm ups

during the game, you notice her gazing at you with a confused look on her face

after the game, she runs up to you and asks "oh my god billie is it really you?"

"yeah! its been a while huh" you reply, she asks you to catch up over coffee

coffee turns into lunch then a movie and now youre both in an empty parking lot at 8pm

its like you guys never stopped talking back when you were 13

as shes talking, you cant stop staring at that sparkle in her eyes that you have always been obsessed with, now even brighter than the last time you saw her

you kiss her.

she kisses back.

she pulls back and after a short pause, speaks up

"i better get home.." she says with a shameful look on her face

"im sorry." you say as she starts to get out of your car

"no, i liked it. i just dont think my boyfriend would" she replies.

and there it is again, that funny nauseous feeling deep in her stomach

you dont see her again for almost 2 weeks and now its 3am and shes knocking on your window

you open it

"whats going on? are you okay?" you stutter as she crawls through your window

you notice she has a black eye, you heart drops

"i cant do it anymore.. i cant be with him i- i dont like him." she manages to say through her tears

"did he do this to you?" you step forward bringing you hand to her cheek

the silence and lack of eye contact is enough of an answer for you to know what happened.

"you can spend the night here, if you want" you say in hopes of keeping her away from her boyfriend

she faintly smiles and collapses into your bed

you lay down next to her and ask her if she needs anything, if theres anything you can do

she shakes her head and wraps her arm around you, snuggling into your chest, tears starting to soak your shirt

you softly draw shapes on her back trying to comfort her

"its always been you, you know.." she mumbles through her exhausted breathing

you smile and bring her tighter into your side

you wake up the next morning but shes gone, no longer in bed next to you. where is she?

'whered you go?' you text her

'she told me everything.'

your heart skips a beat, 'what?' you reply

no response.

3 days later you hear her name on the news while making yourself brunch

you feel your legs go weak, tears falling from your waterline, a loud sob escaping your mouth as you hear the words..

her body was found in her boyfriends back yard.

-

FIRST BILLIE FIC YALL

SO SO sorry for being inactive and forgetting to post this but here you go🤷‍♀️

i got this idea from those sad wlw poems literally FILLING my fyp on tiktok so creds to them id put the user but i lost the video😔

as always feedback is appreciated<33

LOVE U HOES

taglist:

@m0r94n @chrisgetsmewetterxo @raysmayhem-72 @junnniiieee07 @sturnzsblog @sturniolo-slvt @mattspolitank

[mrmistakemakeroywg]

how i see "The helper" episode . (i have diagnosed adhd and autism fyi: everyone is different so take what i say with that context <3 not all autistic people are like me so please understand this is more based on my experience personally)

Really weird post i know but hear me out. When i watch "The helper " i immediatly think about having meltdowns as a little kid or just any age in general wether online or irl.

^ Like if you`re looking at it like i am, you can understand why id say it feels like hes having a meltdown / breakdown because something that makes sense to him most of the time, now makes no sense at all to him / freaks him out |

| (Being unable to help people because they do not need his help which he is not used to , thus making him react way worse then most people would sense it is something very special to him Like how people will have specific special intrests or hyperfixations etc) personally i freak out and get meltdowns when my pc is broken or needs fixed and i cannot draw whatsoever for long peroids of time. )

and how you / i would immediatly feel ashamed , nervous and guilty afterwards , or just generally exhausted or depending on the person feel like a burden on the people around you.

(also for this next part yes i know this is implied to be sylvia`s idea but it still makes me wanna tear up because it hits home way too hard) and other people will immediatly treat you as a "trouble maker" that has to be dealt with , punished or pushed aside even tho its something you cant help and sometimes cant even understand .

the dialogue espeically is a gut punch for me.

"ohh.. So this is the guy you want out of town "

" i get it " he`s hurt , and ashamed of himself. and its probably a stretch but i feel like this has happened before because of how he says " i get it . " then he tries to turn it into a positive as per usual to his character writing , thats how much he loves helping people.

its his special intrest / hyperfixation <3333 so of course he can try to turn it into something fun . and the rest of the episode goes on as he Does what they asked him to. and they immediately reward him for throwing himself out of their way .

(this genuinely makes me so mad i`m sorry fuck those towns people man you could`ve just talked to him instead GRAHHHH) and how he gets super happy after FINALLY pleasing them.

hes so silly :33

also this last bit makes me angry a little

"son"

"thanks" ( im going to eat your soul stfu /halfjoke )

"happy i could help!! "

"that makes two of us " (BONUS) ALSO I WANT TO MENTION the scene where he tries to " stop " lord hater. I feel like this is him being pushed to his absolute limit to a point he tried to do something very out of character just for the comfort and relief of "doing something good" like hes reverting to the basics of "being a good guy " just to get that comfort of helping someone again.

it reminds me of that Version of himself in "the wanders" where the piece of himself that holds his trauma / what made him want to help everyone is still not inside of him yet, and he goes on a rant about how he is going to stop lord hater

"wander are you okay ?? " "im MORE then okay "

"IMMMM PERFECT !"

"Now come trusty steed , its time to stop that HEARTLESS evil doer LORD HATER ONCE AND FOR ALL !! "

"wait what-" "stop ?"

"YES! i am a good guy , and he is a bad guy. " "AND I STOP HIM ! "

------------------- HELPPPPP.... seriously tho sorry for the long rant about this episode but it genuinely hit home so hard that i have cried multipule times unironicly because of it. Reminder that im veiwing this through my own experience of growing up on the spectrum (adhd + autism specifically) not everyone on the spectrum will be the same as me when it comes to this episode. I had to get this out of my system because it was eating at my brain sorry yall 💔💔💔

if i made any typos or worded anything weird its becuase its harder for me to write long posts plus as of writing its 01:17 on my computor clock.

[kekisu]

a very popular headcanon people have (i Think its popular. at least a lot of my twitter mutuals agreed with me a while back) is that joker comes from inaba, and if youve played p4 you know that theres literally nothing to do there

so a big headcanon that i used to be obsessed with is that he would spend a lot of his days skateboarding or biking around listening to music and exploring old dirt roads.. and he ended up getting a special interest in bugs and reptiles because hed come across so many during his little solo adventures. hes also very well versed in fishing its not a fixation or anything but just something hes pretty good at

this is why i tend to draw joker like some sort of skater boy. i think hes always stood out a lot in this small town even before the false assault charge, like he wasnt disliked or bullied but he just didnt really fit in. and this didnt bother him. i think he only realized how boring his life was when he became a phantom thief and got all these new friends in this new big city that understood him despite the circumstances that led him here. like man i really used to live like that and see nothing wrong with it? i didnt yearn for more?

it makes it even more painful when he has to leave and they naturally drift apart. because they all have dreams and ambitions, and the best years of their lives are waiting for them around the corner. but joker is back in this small town where theres nothing to do but hang out in some food court or poke around in the woods. i imagine this newfound loneliness is really hard on him, not to mention the guilt for feeling like hes somehow to blame for. well, whatever happened with goro

to me personally i think goro lived. i think he mustered up the perseverance to bite and claw his way out of shidos palace after seeing that even someone like him has a chance at being loved, he just didnt really remember this in marukis reality because it was all a blur. so both goro and joker were completely clueless as to what his fate would be if they went back to their true reality, which is what was so scary. the uncertainty. he could very well be dead but how could they know for sure? i just dont like the thought of him dying before he could truly live, even though i understand the tragedy of it can be poetic, i just cant stand for him going out like that because i relate a lot to his struggles. and i think it would go against the overall positive message of p5r. sure not everybody gets to have a second chance or a happy ending, but. man. anyways

joker fully believes goro is dead though. he wouldnt be crazy to assume this considering how they parted ways in shidos palace. but it eats away at him and maybe he really does go crazy. maybe his life feels like its stuck in time and while his old friends are out chasing their dreams, hes stuck. broken and shattered over feeling like he couldve done something to save him, knowing jokers savior/martyr complex

im running out of steam and i didnt mean to ramble on about my post-p5r headcanons but, to wrap it up: goro is in rehab somewhere and has a service dog to help with his dissociation and mood swings. and a couple other stuff. he feels like if he walks back into jokers life itll mess something up like joker will just break down or something. so he keeps his distance until they cross paths again. im just very obsessed with the idea of goro getting his life together vs joker wanting so badly to chase that high of phantom thievery again but failing and being actually so depressed

man morgana must be exhausted

[that-trans-autistic-guy]

so, ive already shared two of the three images that have driven the newly finished fic forward, so i figured id compile them together here

the first, in chapter one: charles sitting in a peaceful field, flower crown on his head as he happily makes one for edwin. his own joy overriding the echoes of his father's screams, allowing himself something beautiful and soft. reds, yellows and whites mix with his black curls. blues, purples and whites woven together by bronze hands. a few bits of pink in each crown, showing the love that the boy is overflowing with. (im so lucky that someone drew this image here)

the second, in chapter seven: in the shop with the shit shopkeeper, he pisses off edwin at the wrong time. the image is in the shopkeepers pov. a dark iron blade is in the image, trailing off at the bottom. its attached to a leather covered hilt, a blade guard made of swirling obsidian.

holding the sword, with cold eyes and hard expression, is edwin. he is menacing beyond compare. yet, sitting on his head is a flower crown, made with care and love. its a glimpse into who he really is and why he's doing what he is. he is being menacing out of love for his friend, his partner, his person. someone mistook his love and kindness for weakness. but its not.

that kindness, that love, is his strength. as strong and dangerous as the blade underneath the pov's chin.

then, finally, chapter thirteen: both boys are wearing their flower crowns. their foreheads are pressed together as they grin. charles has tears streaking his face and edwin's barely holding in his own but they're so happy. the rude boy is exhausted, visibly so, and there are bits of scarring peaking out from behind the crown. nonetheless, he is at peace. he is safe, and he is loved.

charles eyes are closed as he smiles, edwin cant look away. for too long he didn't have his person and then saw him in agony. but his friend is finally smiling and laughing again. and he's never seen anything better in his entire life.

these images were what propelled the story forward and they live in my head rent free. almost cried at the drawing attached at the top bcuz i love it so much ;u;

[wachtelspinat]

Hi, I saw your background with studying medicine and being an artist and I wanted to ask something!! hope it isn't uncomfy. so the school system by itself is killing my creativity and Im afraid I'll completely lose myself if I get into college... Even if I choose to study something art related. College is really absorbing and I don't want to graduate and have killed the only talent I have, thats scary!!! So, how did you "go" back? did drawing help with the stress of college or make it worse? Sometimes my studies define me so so much I cant do anything else, its so frustrating :(

hey there ! i really don't know if i can bring sth to the plate that's positive or uplifting in the matter because i've been in a struggle with art myself for almost 2 years now. i'm really trying to come back but the pace has changed drastically. it's still a constant mood crusher everytime i look back and see how my output has declined. nevertheless i'm drawing again in the smallest babysteps so hopefully i'm gonna pick up the pace again at some point.

as for school and art. yeah. i kind of opened with my current situation because altho (med) school was A Meatgrinder technically speaking i still found time to draw here and there. which was mostly thanks to my higher energy lvl back then and my BIG motivation to draw and to share. so i'd say drawing absolutely helped with the stresses of studying and med school. it was my happy place and escapism. and because of that there was hardly any doubt in my head that i'll ever lose that. so i think it is safe to say that as long as you want to draw you will always be drawing.

second thought here which is also important is that you won't be stuck in an eternal grind, even if it feels like it sometimes. there will be times in which everything sucks. and there will be times in which everything could be worse. and if you wanna draw then, you're going to draw. that's at least how i experienced it. even the longer periods of not drawing because of exhaustion/loss of motivation/exam periods etc eventually pass. and sometimes it's ok to remind yourself that drawing is not everything, altho we like to think that way sometimes. it's absolutely ok not to draw for a while.

another breaking point for me was when i actually started to study for art (anatomy as in for drawing etc) because it helped me at a point at which i felt stuck and it made me understand that i will never be done learning in regards of drawing. which is a good reminder whenever you feel like you are losing your "talent", which is not a talent but a work in progess for years and years to come. so in the end, even if you have to step back from drawing for the time being, you have the ability to always come back to it and get better again. like we have to treat making art like learning a language, there is never an end to it and we have to practice to be back in shape. i know this sounds like work but idk for me it made sth click in my head that i'm not losing sth here. i just have to warm up and get back on the track again.

i hope this helped in some way, i'm really sorry that you feel like you are about to experience a great loss (i absolutely get you, it sucks to deal with this, esp. when outer circumstances force you to push your hobbies in the background) but i think that if you really want to engage with drawing again, you won't lose this. you may have to put work into it, and it may not be today or tomorrow, but if you really want to do it, you keep at it.

[torialefay]

Thank you for saying what ive been thinking omfg.

Chris does everything he can. There's very few people in kpop that exudes the vibe that they love music and making music as much as he does. Being an idol is what he worked so hard to get and im pretty sure hes implied time and time again and even explicitly said that he wouldn't want to live if he couldnt be an artist (and that bleeds into shy he loves the kids so much, but thats veering off topic). Im just constantly baffled how many people want him to throw it all away (bc idk how harsh jype would punish him), you know, just tossing out his reason to live, to talk about the war. Yes, absolutely. There are so, so many people dying because of this war, and its truly horrifying, but how many people screaming at him are willing to do what they're demanding of him and the kids? I always see people talking numbers and statistics, but rarely do i ever see someone talk realism. There are plenty of people who could spend their time going out to find ways to help Palestine instead of going online to yell at 8 men who got famous for their music and anyone who supports them. Some of yall have never listened to "antivist" by bmth and it shows.

Yeah, Chris looked so tired in that recent clip and just in general tbh (same for the rest of the kids). Everytime i see a clip of Chris when he said "im going to protect every single one of you" or when hes being super flirty and trolling or recently when he said he cant fix all of their problems, i just think "this man is going through what i went through, just 5 years later than i did." I literally have done all that, but instead of to a massive fanbase, it was to my friends, lmao. Being fiercely protective and wanting your friends to feel comfortable enough to lean on you, especially since they've been so good to you, but its turned into exhaustion bc you met some people who took mad advantage of your love and now youve gotta set some boundaries and limits. Unfortunately, he's an idol, so setting hard boundaries can be difficult without someone saying he's too cold and uncaring with fans or something bc we know just how fair the media can be when it comes to Chris🙄 i aint know him personally and never will, but if my interpretation of those clips are true and if this trend continues, he'll hopefully find peace and a decent balance with mental health in about 5 years time🥲

i really REALLY hope so. i'm not gonna lie, it surprised me like a week or two ago when chris said on bubble: "i feel like my enfj is slowly becoming intj hahaha". literally going from what is supposed to be one of the most expressive & involved mbti's to one that is most associated with being less interactive and more reserved/cold when meeting people. i don't want to say intj's are hardened, i don't think it's like that. but maybe that they just have a harder shell. which makes me really sad. it makes me think he's getting so burnt out by being the one that's always there for everyone that he's slowly needing to draw back to himself.

i hope that whatever happens, he's becoming his most genuine self. but i also hope that he isn't turning one way or another simply because of what's been expected of him. he's so good to us & it hurts to think that he'd have to change bc of stays. but if it's not due to that, then i'm happy that he's doing what he needs to do & i hope he can feel okay with setting boundaries for himself 🫶🏼

[viaetor]

exhaustion

im sorry for throwing this here in the first place. I generally don't post vents on tumblr dot com, but I've been under so much stress lately and I just. don't have anywhere I can dump things yknow?? i don't wanna feel like a burden to my friends or as if its their responsibility.

but I've been so, so exhausted lately. but it's so hard to just *stop* or *take a break*.

currently, im working 3 part-time jobs, participating in 4 uni projects, writing my thesis, finishing up my government-funded research, completing translations, on top of having my regular classes. not to mention more work and projects ive been "invited" to accept that are still starting up and my upcoming mandatory internship. my parents have been entrusting me with more and more responsibilities regarding their physical health as seniors. but i also need to keep an eye out so that my drug addict sister doesn't do anything stupid and gets thrown out of the house again. I'm also worried about another sister of mine.

Lately i tried to distract myself by involving myself more with my friends. I've helped a few friends out with their own stuff (moving, writing, job interviews, emotional support) and ive been reconnecting with long past friendships, which is pretty neat. and it was working for a while, but im starting to get drained from even the simplest interactions.

now every time I look at my phone or get out of my room, people are calling me to ask to do stuff for them. I'm so numb to it all, I just do it automatically even when my body is sore and my brain is dead.

the worst part is that I can't quit anything. there are no vacations waiting for me, and no way I can lessen my workload more than I already have. I'm numb to it all, it's exhausting, but I feel so ashamed for even feeling tired. I feel like I have no right to feel that. I'm so used to being "reliable" and "efficient" to others that I'm not sure if I know how to Not be what people expect of me.

Ive been trying not to smoke or stress-eat and instead just hit the gym to get rid of the stress and anxiety, but even that hasn't been enough.

I want to write. I want to draw. I wanna learn languages. I wanna study. I wanna chat. But I just don't have the energy to do the things that make me feel happy and healthy. even if I'm ironically already doing some of them. I feel like an ungrateful brat. especially since I'm surrounded by so many awesome people.

I'm really lucky to have you all. I love getting your messages, seeing your posts, writing with you. I'm so happy with how I've been developing bonds with people here. thank you so much for investing in me! i really do cherish and appreciate it. I just want to apologise for seeming so distant and emotionally unavailable, not to mention how long i take to reply sometimes. to those that have been nothing but kind and patient to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can make it up to you!

I'm just really, really tired at the moment, and I'm not sure how to juggle through everything in my life right now. so I'm really sorry.

I wish I had dottore's skills so I could make clones of myself ngl. that'd be pretty neat

[rianafying]

it’s 4am i have the worst migraine of all time. i’ve had it for four days now. it was okay yesterday so i thought ut was over but it’s back again, and i have to go to work cause i’ve got a huge makeup gig today. i have to do hair and makeup for 10 models, and im just, exhausted emotionally. i was supposed to do some drawings and attach them to the file, and i told my client i would do it many days ago, but i didn’t do it. partly because of my headache and partly because ive been forgetful.

update: it’s 8am, i haven’t slept, took some painkillers, been getting spontaneous bursts of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. i always feel a little anxious before a job, but it’s only part of the reason. i feel terrible rn. i feel bloated and crusty, and my hair looks terrible. a huge part of how i feel is based on how i look, and until im happy w the way i look (hair styled, outfit pressed, makeup done, accessorised) i don’t feel okay. and i just hate the way i look and i hate everything rn. i’m having one of those moments where nothing is okay. it is entirely in my head because on other days everything could go wrong and i’d still feel okay. i hate being at the mercy of my emotions. i need more time to gather myself than i have. work is in two hours, at least it’s only a 10 minute walk from my place so if i forget something or whatever, i can come back and get it. but i feel really anxious. i can physically feel it. and i’ve misplaced everything, and suddenly my room is all messy again. and all i want to do is sleep and complain. i wish i didn’t feel so crusty 99% of the time. and i felt so lonely yesterday, not the kind of loneliness that makes me wanna talk to people. it’s the kind that just is there. i don’t wanna talk to anyone. i hate everyone. and i just wanna be by myself. but that also feels bad. i have a social life, and i love my friends but it’s different. i could even see people if i wanted to but i don’t want to. why do i feel this way. i don’t wanna be with people i don’t wanna be by myself either. at least i don’t feel suicidal lately. i just feel annoyed. frustrated. especially with the migraine i just wanna throw things and break things. i never have and i never will actually throw or break things. but that’s how i feel. just super. irritated. i need time i hate being in a time crunch. none of my thoughts make sense and im simultaneously over and under stimulated. how is it too hot and too cold at the same time??? it’s too hot in my blanket but too cold if i take it off. and i can physically feel my skin, like i can feel a separate layer on my body. and im itchy and im so annoyed. its too loud and too bright. and i hate that the sun is up again, and i hate the sound of my alarm. i hate it. and u hate every terrible thing that has happened to me or to anyone. and my heart breaks for those who are going through so so so much worse. and nothing is right. this is not how it’s supposed to be. and i need my therapist. i’m gonna have a mental breakdown. i am having a mental breakdown. i can’t even cry lately. i don’t even drink water. i suck. of course im gonna feel this way. i dug myself into this hole.

another update: it’s almost 8pm, finally got home from work. it was just the most draining day ever. i’m exhausted but also strangely anxious. extremely anxious. the shoot went well, i think?? i hope!

[forestryfae]

like i cant move ofc and i dont really wanna, my main desire for escapism rn comes from mess and a lack of organization, this apartment rn comes from disorganization and mess, the apartment isnt bad its actually the perfect size for one person even tho i wish there was a bit more space. but if there was like a single shelf above the toilet or the apartment hadnt come with the furniture it came with. bed, a dresser, and kitchen table seating 4 people + 4 chairs. thered be much more space. not that im complaining about the bed and dresser or the drying rack, those are genuinely useful, same w the fridge even if its in a bad spot

but like if it had just a few shelves built into the place, didnt have that big ass table and the chairs, that would have been v neat. rn i have nowhere to store toilet paper or laundry detergents, i have some storage space in the walls but im using most of that for something else, and big storage units dont have space anywhere in the apartment. like at most i could get a small dresser for the hallway ig? i could store small stuff. but the bike is in the way, i have a desk i need to build but dont know where id put, im getting a couch that admittedly might have been a bad choice size-wise but i really wanted something i knew i would use for a long time and i knew i would want to keep if i move again. im so tired of having stuff i dont want or having to settle for shit as a sort of middle ground. yes it does its purpose no i cant stand looking at it.

idk im stressed out, i dont know how to get shit done, all my motivation exists in the form of anxiety or sunlight, i want help but cant ask for it on account of noone knowing my mental illnesses better than me and i dont want to risk it, my brain sees anything that needs to get done and goes fuck that despite knowing it needs to get done, i have no clue how to actually successfully work with it so its atleast manageable, everything i think could be helpful costs money and everything i feel like i should be allowed to do because im not immune to being allowed to feel happiness sometimes costs money

making food isnt even something i dislike doing its just a hassle cus i dont keep the kitchen clean enough and i cant seem to have any useful and preventative routines in place for longer than a little while before it all falls apart not for lack of trying but lack of selfdicipline im p sure, the cleaning is neverending and i expect myself to do it every single day but i dont do it every day so my brain is just screaming about getting things done to the point where im exhausted despite not having done shit

and in the meantime my ocd is all over everything to the point where i cant even relax for 10 minutes or do something as simple as clean the fucking fridge out or take out the trash or bleach my fucking hair so i can dye it like ive been wanting to for weeks, or just draw something for fucking once or crochet or do something fun. i dont even know where im going w this rant rn im just so fucking overwhelmed and tired and the thought of doing anything is exhausting and i have headaches on a daily basis and i sleep all day too even though my sleep schedule was good for a little while. like i was hoping id have it for longer than a few weeks or maybe id be able to keep it up for the foreseeable future but i fucking guess not

i dont enjoy drawing as much as i used to i cant crochet anything and actually finish it my brain is on fire and finding new interests is fucking hard and costs money i dont have the space to do anything so i practically live in my bedroom. theres so much stuff in my apartment but i got rid of so much already and the rest i use and a i cant keep getting rid of stuff im gonna wind up with nothing at all if i get rid of stuff just for the sake of hoping itll fix everything. youtube isnt even fun i keep getting decluttering and vlogs and tidying and cleaning and i watch them and i physically feel myself clenching cus i want to completely take over the stuff in the video and clean that myself. cleaning literally anything else is better than cleaning my own space

and on top of it all i have an activities thing i should go to more often but i cant make myself at all. i either wake up too late and miss it or i forget about it or im busy doing other stuff like convincing myself that im going to clean instead and then never cleaning. and i have a job once a week where i show up and do prepwork at the bakery kitchen where they have the activities and i cant even manage to get there. i cancelled the week before this and this week i straight up didnt wake up until 2 pm. i cant even manage to go there twice a week like i want to. i cant get outside to go on walks. planning shit doesnt work, breaking shit into more tasks makes me more tired and demotivated, like where the fuck am i going to find motivation when everything maes me want to lie in bed and rot. like i know i have depression but i shouldnt feel this shitty when im on antidepressants. idfk. what the fuck

[jupitercl0uds-art]

anyway 2024 art summary!!!

14th january - surgamy hug (there are 3 versions but tumblr doesnt like when i put them all together for some reason, so here's the most normal one)

oh surgamy,,, ohhhhh,,, surgamy,,,,,,,,, surge,,,, and amy,,,,, ohhhhh

5th february - pov silver comes out to you

honestly i think silver looks really weird here but it was kinda the point. shame about the rainbow because everything else is really nice

22nd march - espilver dekuyama redraw

in retrospect the apple looks really goofy in proportion to everything else but whatever i had fun with it. i love my silver gijinka so much ughhhhhh

24th april - chaotix coloured sketch

goddddd i love the chaotix... this is one of my favourite drawings of them ive ever done and alas this was prior to becoming a can user vector truther

18th may - glitch the rat's one true love

from my glitch the rat daily blog, the first full illustration i did with my dip pen!!! glitch im so sorry i messed up. my darling creation i will hopefully try again in 2025 and likely fail because im pretty sure i have mocks around your birthday. also i love this because if i made this now the textures would have vastly improved now that im more comfortable with my dip pen

17th june - team chaotix doodles

they're detectives you want on your side! once again UGH i love these... i think this was 3 days after i finished high school for good. i was so happy and i'd basically just draw all the time cause i didnt have to do anything. thankfully sixth form holidays start earlier than high school holidays so i get this again for the next 2 years!!!

5th july - visions

there was SO MUCH art from july that it was kinda difficult to pick but i think this is one of the hardest pieces ive ever made (tbf it was my twitter pfp for several months). i love drawing in this slightly flatter art style because i actually finish my pieces

10th august - glitch ps2

there's loads of art from august that i just didnt post because well. i did A LOT of art in august and i was also on the move a lot so it was inconvenient. the funny thing about this is its off model. i forgot its sleeves :( but hey i still love this one

23rd september - tiger and moonlight w/ water soluble fineliner

september was the complete opposite. i didnt quite burn out, i DID do a lot of art, but a lot of that was for a level (which i cant post online yet) and i was just exhausted. like i would literally fall over from walking too much and i redeveloped my athsma. thankfully im back into the swing of things now lol. ANYWAY!!! tiger and moonlight are so beloved to me... im always shy to enter poll brackets and this was my first one so i was extra shy but god i wouldnt have it any other way... whole entire canon of an au edited because i love someone else's fankid so much. in that sense i feel kinda bad that i didnt really do much for blake because she was really cool but alas.

6th october - murders

effectively this was my first time making a composition after actually learning about what makes a good composition and. oh wow. i was so right. i do think i rendered amy a bit weird but at the same time i kinda like it that way??? and i dont care because the framing and colours... just too good. also yeah this piece is called murders in my files because it was based on the miracle musical song i just never called it that online (which was really annoying when looking for it)

3rd november - but we stay silly

incredibly personal piece despite the fact it doesn't look like it. for anyone who cant be bothered to find out (or can't remember if you actually did see it) this was about overcoming trauma relating to my sexual assault, hence the reason they're in school uniform and silver's hair is cut. also hence the panromantic pride pin despite the fact i think silver is gay

5th december - 'tis the season

1,000,000/10. my magnum opus. incredible. amazing.

thanks to everyone who's been here this year!!! i think, once again, ive really grown as an artist after how stagnant late 2021-mid 2023 was. im really starting to get Serious with it now, seeing as im in my a level years and will (hopefully) be going to art school soon. hopefully 2025 will be even better!

[6loodlvstt]

Unfortunately I never heard of gul but I checked the plot and it’s interesting! I’ll definitely check it out when I have some free time. I don’t mind listening to summaries when I do other things. I enjoy to keep me busy reading/writing most of the time. Rn I’m trying to finish fear and hunger and I get angry every time I die lol. It’s so annoying but I love the vibes of that game. It was inspired by silent hill, berserk and amnesia. Sorry I info-dump a bit too much lol.

I’m glad you had a nice day! How was shopping? I also went out. Well I go out all days but I went to my fav bookstore and fetched a new book so I’m extra happy. And I love hades, I started it some weeks ago. Mythology is such an interesting world and I’m up for it.

I like to draw in my free time but it’s exhausting to work for game class projects. I can’t wait to finish off all this and focus on other projects. Piano is just a tool for be able to write lyrics in the future, or whatever I want. I get easily distracted when I play it but I’m confident that at some point my technique will improve.

The movie came out on February, from what I saw it wasn’t really popular but 100% recommended if you like 80s vibes. It’s an absurdist gothic horror..? Somewhere in the between. Heathers it’s a chef’s kiss. Probably one of my favs too. This reminded me of Little sister (2016), I seriously need watch it. It’s been on my watchlist since forever but I keep forgetting about it. I’m so forgetful.

Also sorry if I replied just now but at the end I decided to go to sleep at 3 am, my head was hurting -🩹

gul is super cool and not a lot of people actually know about it since it was basically lost media for a long long time

i dont sither! i normally play games while i listen yo things or while im working ill turn on some video essays and just listen to that while i work when music gets to be too much ^^

ough i heard fear and hunger was hard, rn im trying to beat dead space again and its not going well for me either lol

shopping was fine me and my mom just went and got groceries and that was it ^^ id love to go to a bookstore again theyre so fun to look around in

ive got like 300 hours in hades all together atp and its been a blast i love it very much and i could never get tired of it, plus greek mythologys always been a super big interest of mine! i love all of it so much and its so fascinating to learn

i used to draw a lot when i was in school since i always sucked at education, being dyslexic and autistic and having adhd really all just pilied and piled on to it so drawing was a giod escape and made me look like i was working on whatever they gave me, and if it wasnt on paper than id just play on my phone to pass the time, i also just used to read manga durong class if i couldnt be on my phone

violin and guitar and really. any. of the instruments i know how to play were for that reason to, i wanted to be a musician for a long long time till my grandmother decided to be a dick to me and i never played anything again :(

ooo it sounds interesting, i think when i have the time to sit and watch something ill check it out :D

its okay i just woke up and its like 11am rn

[relto]

30 minutes drawing practice taught me i suck so much at life drawing i have a hard time even figuring out what im looking at and its exhausting, but its also free of the goop so im happy to do it again!

[hekkoto]

When darkness around arise, keeps your eyes open. You never know from what direction the monster will appear. Keep your guards up, dont be fooled by mind traps it leaves

Welp, I did everything I could to fullfill other people's wishes. I did everything others told, tho Im still unhappy. I sacrificed my health, living for others or other people's ideas But its over. I neglected my health and needs to extension that I was supposed already go to hospital, I ignored this and kept going. But thats it. My body cant handle anymore. Last month was Hell, so much pain. I cant ignore this anymore, pain is too huge, my joints doesnt want to cooperate anymore

I was absent online for quite a long time, not wanting to say this or show how it really is. I faked smile and just kept going. But I cant do it anymore, my body reached it limits

Due to my health I will be leaving my job for now... I dont know when I will be able to go back to drawing for real too... I suffer from some awful autoimmune illness, it affects my whole body, I lost a lot of weight, Im losing a lot of hair, I feel so exhausted, pain in my joints is unimaginable, Im on edge of fainting very often. Tomorrow I will have USG of my wrist and hand and I will be able to buy steroids to try cure my joints. We spend so much money on doctors and meds... Its so awful, we dont have money for this all, we keep getting our savings out and out. I dont know what to do, honestly

I had big dreams, this month supposed to be the best and turned into the worst. I was happy, its my bday, I will have money, I will be able to buy packs for The Sims 4, I will buy maybe some jewlery etc. Ugh, nope, I again use my money I got as gift to buy medications and get examinations. Instead of working or having fun Im dying of pain or go to doctors...

I need to rethink some things.. I need to reevaluate my life. I dont know what to do yet, tho I will do my best to be back for real soon. I will be changing my Ko-Fi goal from my dream graphic card to some stupid meds&doctors goal

just wish me luck. I love ya guys