#im not spending as much time with my family as i used to

[dorothylarouge]

US Presidents as Dril Tweets

George Washington: another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it

John Adams: "ah boo hoo hoo i want to post Foul comments to content leaders" Fat Chance, Dimwit. I will annihilate you under bulwark of the Law and God.

Thomas Jefferson: Q: If your post was proven by a counsil of wise men to be racist, or bullshit, would you bar it from the record? A: I do not delete my posts

James Madison: (sniffing a crumpled up one dollar bill i found on the floor of a dog kennel) ah.. thats greenbacks baby

James Monroe: for decades i have traversed the unforgiving mountains and rivers of south america, hoping to catch a glimpse of the fabled "ass downloader"

John Quincy Adams: "This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit

Andrew Jackson: handing Faves over to my enemies is FRAUD !! base, contemptible FRAUD!

Martin Van Buren: Food $200

Data $150

Rent $800

Candles $3,600

Utility $150

someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

William Henry Harrison: (spends all of 7 seconds skimming some blog posts) yep. just as i knew all along. having pnuamonia is good

John Tyler: fuck "jokes". everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this

James K. Polk: thhere is no such thing as charisma, and art is fake. the only metrics by which we must determine the worth of a man are Strength and Wisdom

Zachary Taylor: the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers tell me that im dying

Millard Fillmore: trying to heal..... please donate to my go fund me... $10 will make me less racist... $100 will make me extremely less racist...thank you...

Franklin Pierce: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin

James Buchanan: #NationalGirlfriendDay please cherish your gal's.. in honor of us, the single Boys who must sacrifice all companionship to #CarryTheBrand...

Abraham Lincoln: unloading an entire belt of ammo at me with a minigun or some such device will now get you "Blocked"

Andrew Johnson: who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off

Ulysses S. Grant: i regret being tasked the emotional burden of maintaining the final bastion of morality and Nice manners in this endless ocean of human SHIT

Rutherford B. Hayes: using the toilet when i hear Our national anthem start to play. i do what i must. i stand tall in complete agony; as shit runs down my leg,

James A. Garfield: too much truth in such little time. feeling the heat cominh down to silence me... signing off........ for now

Chester A. Arthur: i WILL wise the fuck up. i WILL super charge my content for 2017. i WILL get blue check mark

Grover Cleveland: the way i see it, people who come on here and submit content that is not up to par, could possibly be considered the "Villains" of this site

Benjamin Harrison: i help every body, im not racist, i keep myself nice, and when i ask for a single re-tweet in return i am told to fuck off, fuck myself, etc

William McKinley: boy oh boy do i love purchasing large amounnts of Fool's Gold. wait a minute... fools gold fucking sucks. this stuff is no good..!! Fuck !!!

Theodore Roosevelt: IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL

William H. Taft: ah.. the perfect Souffle! cant wait to dig in to t(*EVERY PIPE IN MY HOUSE EXPLODES AT THE SAME TIME, COVERING ME IN SHIT AND BOILING WATER*

Woodrow Wilson: the conflicted supersoldier stares over the horizon as he smokes a cigarette. "war is the most fucked up thing ever." he takes a sip of beer

Warren G. Harding: somebody please Bribe me

Calvin Coolidge: aggressively joyless oaf hhere. painfully obnoxious respect demander checkign in. extremely dim witted frowning man looking for pals

Herbert Hoover: it is really quite astonishing that I have yet to win The Lottery, given how good I am at selecting six numbers and saying them out loud

Franklin D. Roosevelt: ive never heard of this “europe” but it sounds like a big bunch of shit to me

Harry Truman: everybody wants to be the guy to write the tweet that solves racism once and for all because it would look good as hell on a resume

Dwight D. Eisenhower: my "F*&k It!! Let's Go Golfin" t-shirt maintains a tenacious stranglehold on my life. after 1,125 days of Golf my body is twisted, deformed

John F. Kennedy: when you do sutuff like... shoot my jaw clean off of my face with a sniper rifle, it mostly reflects poorly on your self

Lyndon B. Johnson: incredibly handsome , charismatic famous boy credited with ending income inequality after saying that slumlords should be called "dumblords"

Richard Nixon: i attribute the complete failure of my brand to the actions of detractors, oor my “trolls”, as it were, as well as my own constant fuckups

Gerald Ford: shutting computer down until the shitty moods & attitudes can fuck off., if you need me ill be on my other computer, sititng 60° to my right

Jimmy Carter: i warnned you all that bad things would happen if you kept letting your wives wear jeans. AND NOW LOOK! the damn gas prices are up again

Ronald Reagan: spend a lot of time thinking about how sometimes even war criminals can be heroes sometimes... Dont like it? Click the unfollow buttobn

George H.W. Bush: just thought off an idea i believe to be bad ass. lets find the address of the leader of isis, and mail him/ her pieces of our SHIT

Bill Clinton: were at the point now, that when i offer to impregnate my girl followers, people assume my motives are sexual. disgusting, grow the fuck up,

George W. Bush: friday night gathering up together a big pile of things i like to respect (flags, crucifixes ,etc) and just roll around in it ,give kisses,

Barack Obama: my IQ has increased 10 points ever since i stopped tollerating people mucking about, on the time line

Donald Trump: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.

ME: I agree

Joe Biden: I will shut the fuck up , IF , it will restore the Harmony. I will get on my knees like a dog and make that sacrifice, for the sake of Calm

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Hi, Im not sure if youve written anything about this before (I had a quick look but couldnt see anything), but I find Hermione's relationship with her parents kinda interesting. Obviously they're pretty chill with her being a witch — they go to diagon with her at least once and seem quite interested in that sort of thing, they're obviously very proud of her — but by about gof and ootf theyre completely absent from her life. Hermione doesnt seem to go home during that summer holiday and seems to spend the rest with the Weasleys which I find incredibly odd. Her parents were obviously not abusive, nor were they in any sort of danger until dh when Hermione goes on the run (and of course she oblivates them and moves them to Australia first). Voldemort doesnt even make any attacks until hbp because hes lying low. I just cant think why shes suddenly estranged from her parents to the point where they allow their only teenage daughter, who already spends majority of her time in Scotland, to spend her holidays with a family thats already financially struggling?? Surely no actual parent would do that. Of course it could be lazy writing by JK or the rising popularity of Hermione after directorial choices in the films which called for more page-time, but Id be very interested to hear your opinions on the topic because for the life of me I can't figure this out.

(sorry for the long ask)

Hi, no problem about the long ask.

I think Hermione's parents are probably one of the things JKR didn't think through, but I like looking at things like that froma an in universe prespective. And in universe the relationship between Hermione and her parents, while not abusive, has been estranged from day 0.

What I mean by it, is that I don't think Hermione was ever very close to her parents. We see how a muggleborn who is close to his parents acts with Colin Creevey:

“So I can prove I’ve met you,” said Colin Creevey eagerly, edging further forward. “I know all about you. Everyone’s told me. About how you survived when You-Know-Who tried to kill you and how he disappeared and everything and how you’ve still got a lightning scar on your forehead” (his eyes raked Harry’s hairline) “and a boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures’ll move.” Colin drew a great shuddering breath of excitement and said, “It’s amazing here, isn’t it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts. My dad’s a milkman, he couldn’t believe it either. So I’m taking loads of pictures to send home to him. And it’d be really good if I had one of you” — he looked imploringly at Harry

(CoS)

He tries to keep his muggle parents up to date with his life in the wizarding world. He brought a camera explicitly for that purpose. Hermione, on the other hand, never really included her parents in her life. They try to be supportive, they go with her to Diagon, but I'm convinced they know very little of what's going on at Hogwarts with their daughter.

I mean, she probably tells them about her high grades and about Harry and Ron, but she probably never told them about Voldemort, or at least, not much. Or about the bigotry she has to deal with as a muggleborn. I'm also pretty sure she didn't tell them how dangerous Hogwarts is or that she got petrified in 2nd year. I mean, I don't know about you, but if my daughter told me everything that happened to Hermione, I would start asking about alternative magical education that isn't Hogwarts.

I think Hermione was always a lonely child, her parents were likely at work or conventions more often than with her and she is used to hiding things from them. Hermione 100% used to be bullied in her muggle primary school, you see it in how she acts, and I think she didn't tell her parents about that either. So Hermione and her parents were never close in my opinion.

And then, you take this girl who is used to hiding the less pleasant aspects of her life from her parents and send her to the wizarding world. And she's smart, she quickly realizes no one wants to hear about dentists and that she doesn't belong. So she shuts up, she stops bringing her parents up since everyone thinks surgeons are just maniacs who cut into people. So she reads up, she studies everything she can so she would belong, because she never found herself in the muggle world and she loves magic. She loves the wizarding world and chooses to be part of it, even at the price of cutting her parents out of her life.

In first year, Hermione goes back home for Christmas, but from year 2 and onwards she stays at Hogwarts becouse she doesn't want to miss out in that year's mystery, or time with Ron and Harry. She, like Harry, doesn't want to leave the wizarding world for a world they consider worse.

And the fact she does her best to spend more and more time in the wizarding world is an extension of that. It's not that she hates her parents, she loves them, but she loves them less than she loves the wizarding world.

I think, the moment in book 4 in which she took the chance to fix her teeth magically against what her dentist parents would think is right, is a moment that shows that clear choice. Mr. and Mrs. Granger clearly care about Hermione and want what's best for her, but Hermione thinks she is better than them because she is a witch. She treats her parents like children who don't know what's good for them. She knows because she's a witch, so she can send them away for their safety. They might think using magic on her teeth is dangerous, but they're muggles they don't know better. Even Hermione falls into this prevalent mindset among wizards that they know better than muggles.

The Creevy brothers wanted to keep both the wizarding world and their parents. Hermione chose the wizarding world. She figured that if she truly wanted to belong and be up to date with everything, months in the muggle world would make this assimilation harder, so she stayed in the wizarding world. And when the time comes to make a hard decision to Obliviate her parents and send them away, it is easier to rationalize. She hasn't been part of their life for so long anyway, they would hardly notice the difference, besides, she's the witch, she's the one in the know, not them.

It's quite sad, but it's a result of Hermione's decision to assimilate into the wizarding world as if she was always there which is, I think, influenced by the bigotry that is everywhere. I mean, even the Weasleys look down on muggles:

“Are they doctors?” he [Harry] asked Ron quietly. “Doctors?” said Ron, looking startled. “Those Muggle nutters that cut people up? Nah, they’re Healers.”

(OotP)

So, yeah, Hermione chose to be a witch, and to her, that means cutting her parents she was never too close to out of her life.

[alliewritesthings]

papers - pt 6

Pairing: Dad!Chris Evans x Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: angst, mentions of divorce, mentions of cheating. if ive missed anything please let me know!

A/N: two years later and im backkkkkk. she's back to finish what she started 🤓 this took me way too long, and also makes me sad that it's finally finished. just wanted to give a shoutout to my bestie while im here because we actually met because she stumbled across my shitty little blog a few years ago, shes consistently gone on at me for years about finishing this series and i probs wouldnt have finished it if it wasn't for her 🥲 also this gif felt relevevant as we lay papers to rest with a "night night" 🤍

series masterlist   |   main masterlist

Considering you’d found out you was pregnant three months into the pregnancy, the time flew quickly. Baby girl Evans was due 13th June, but decided she didn’t want to share a birthday with her daddy. 

At 5:15am on Saturday 9th June, Penelope Evans decided to make an appearance. Unfortunately for you, this was the weekend that Chris made a short trip back to Boston to have some well-earned birthday celebrations with his family. You’d decided that for multiple reasons, including being close to your own family, that you wanted to spend the rest of your pregnancy in London so returning to your family home in Boston wasn’t an option. 

Chris missed the entire birth of his second child, the event being unknown to him as his phone had died early on during his night out with old friends. Baby Penny was over twelve hours old when Chris finally received the news of his newborn child. A baby girl. News that brought the man to tears; he loved being a girl dad. 

But that was just over a month ago, baby Penny was quickly approaching seven weeks old. And Chris had spent every waking moment with both his young daughters. Summer was rolling in and Olivia had just finished her last week at school in London. It was two weeks until you packed up and once again moved your little family of four back to the USA. You’d made an agreement with Chris that your London apartment wasn’t to be sold and would instead be used by your family on your regularly planned visits. This luckily meant for you that there wasn’t much packing that needed to be done, only the essentials you’d need when you returned to your family home. You’d forever be grateful that you didn’t need to pack up the whole apartment with two little ones in tow. 

Penelope Evans was your perfect little secret for the first 5 weeks of her life, allowing yourself time to settle in being a parent of two. Being cooped up in your apartment from the day Penny was brought home from the hospital, both Chris and your parents taking it in turns to do the school run for Olivia. Of course, the rumour that Baby Evans was born spread when you weren’t spotted in public for weeks, but you were in your perfect newborn bubble. But you wanted to be present for Olivia’s last days in British school, so you made the effort to leave the house and walk the youngster to school every morning and watch her skip alongside her baby sister's buggy. 

It was 9pm, the evenings being the main time you got some silence in the little London apartment. Chris was perched on your shared bed, scrolling through his phone and replying to emails. You were sat on the carpeted floor, one leg outstretched and gently rocking the moses basket with your foot while you packed some of your newborn's clothes into one of the few suitcases dotted around the room. Both your daughters fast asleep in their respective beds. 

Your phone vibrated on the carpet next to you, ignoring it as you expected it to be Chris sending you something he’d seen on Instagram. You hummed quietly to yourself as you carefully folded clothes and placed them inside the case, your foot still gently rocking the moses basket. It wasn’t until your phone vibrated another two times that you curiously peeked down at the screen; your eyebrows furrowed as you noticed multiple Facebook messages from an old friend of yours that you’d not spoken to in years. 

I’m so sorry but I thought you should see this. One of the messages read, follow by a Sent a Photo and a link. You tilted your head in curiosity as you opened the messages, the link and screenshotted news article headline referencing the birth of your child and Chris’s whereabouts at the time. 

It wasn’t until you read further into the article that silence fell over the room, your humming coming to a sudden halt and your foot stopped pressing against the bassinet. Evans night out during birth of second child. Underneath the headline a picture of the alleged ‘Sarah’ from the previous cheating rumours that almost ruined your marriage a year ago. Chris had his arm wrapped around her shoulder as they sat in a booth in the corner of what seemed like a club, both leaning in closely and talking quietly amongst themselves. 

Recent discoveries show that Evans’ second child, a baby girl, was born on Sunday 9th June in the early hours of the morning. During this time Evans’ was in Boston on a night out with friends celebrating his approaching birthday, understood to also be his child’s due date. Evans has two children with his British wife. Rumours spread last summer of acts of infidelity within the marriage, however this did not seem to break the couple as they reunited and introduced their second child. 

Updates as they come. The article stated. 

You were speechless at the article, unsure how to process it as you placed your phone back on the carpet and focused back onto packing the suitcase in front of you. Was that even Chris in the photo? It was slightly blurry, and of course the club was dark. But you could pick Chris out of a crowd in an instant, and that certainly looked like the woman from previous photos. 

“You okay?” Chris questioned, peeking over his phone to look down at you. 

“Mhm.” You mumbled in response, a sigh leaving your lips as you picked up one of your favourite newborn onesies. Penny had grown out of it at this point, but you wouldn’t dispose of it; the onesie was Penelope’s first outfit, her coming home outfit. The same onesie that Olivia wore home when she returned from hospital. The neutral onesie with little Winnie The Pooh drawings printed across it. It almost made you cry at the thought of the perfect little family you once had, and could have continued to have. 

You closed your eyes and brought the onesie to your nose, taking a deep breath as you took in the scent of the laundry detergent you often used on your children's clothes, the milky honey scent filling your nostrils comforted you. 

Your phone vibrated next to you again, you’d turned on notifications for updates to the article. You were unsure if you wanted to return to read the update, a knot formed in your stomach and you began to fill sick. You laid the onesie on your lap as you reached again for your phone, following your gut feeling and reopening the article. 

UPDATE 

Recent investigations show the woman believed to be Sarah Jenkins, a 35-year-old from Atlanta. This is the second time she has publicly been spotted with actor Chris Evans. Sarah, who is public on most social media accounts, has a one-year-old child with an unknown father. Sources believe that Evans could be the father of the child. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Chris questioned, worry filling his face as he moved to sit next to you on the floor as he watched your face completely drain of all colour. 

“I’m going to be sick.” You mumbled, quickly pushing yourself to your feet and away from Chris. You almost tripped over the suitcase and other items scattered across the floor as you made a beeline for the bathroom, dropping to your knees as you leaned over the porcelain toilet and threw up the contents of your stomach. 

“Hey. It’s okay.” Chris followed you, kneeling down to hold your hair out your face and rub your back. 

“Get away from me!” You almost shouted, tears beginning to fill your eyes as you withdraw from any contact from the man. “How could you?!” You cried. 

“What?!” Chris questioned; his brows furrowed as he stared at you in shock. 

Oh boy was he a good actor. 

“Don’t you dare fucking lie to me again!” You bit back with gritted teeth. “How could you do that to me?! How could you do that to our poor innocent Olivia?!” The sadness fell over your eyes, the tears falling down your cheeks at the thought of your two precious girls who got hurt in the process. How as you going to explain this to them? How was you going to tell Olivia that her daddy was the reason the family fell apart? 

“How could you?!” You repeated again, a sob getting caught in your throat. “How could you cheat?! How could you have a child with another woman and simply act like its nothing?!” A loud wail tumbled from your lips as you pulled yourself back to the toilet and vomited some more. 

“I’m sorry.” Chris accepted defeat. That was all the conformation you needed. He should have known that after some time the news would come out. 

“You’re sorry?!” You looked at him in complete shock, bringing the back of your hand up to wipe at your mouth. “You think that's going to take all this away?” You truly were stunned that he was acting like this wasn’t as large a crime as it was. 

“His name is Theodore. Theo.” He mumbled, pushing himself to his feet as the tears started to fill in his eyes. The realisation was beginning to hit of what he’d done. How much he’d hurt his wife, and would shortly hurt his two precious daughters too. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” 

“You didn’t mean for this to happen?!” Your voice raised in complete disbelief at his words. “You didn’t mean to spend time with another woman? Didn’t mean to fall into bed with her? Didn’t mean to have a child with her? Didn’t mean to continue seeing her, even when the child wasn’t present. You lied to me! You lied and then played me into thinking everything was okay, we had another child!” You screamed, it was all beginning to boil over and push you to the edge. 

Multiple instances flashed through your mind; like Christmas, Chris had no work on the lead up to Christmas, but yet he couldn’t be in London until the twenty third of December. He claimed he had commitments to his family. He missed the birth of your child for a night out on his birthday, yet the only photo you’ve seen from the night is the previously posted photo with ‘Sarah’. He missed out on time with yourself, and your growing family, major events like the birth of his second, well technically third, child. You weren’t as big a priority as it was made out to be. 

A loud screaming cry came from your bedroom, your almost two-month-old child awakening due to the loud noises flowing through the apartment. 

“Get out.” You bit through gritted teeth, pushing yourself to your feet as you prioritised getting to your small baby girl crying out in need. You cradled her in your arms, cuddling her close as you tried to compose yourself, holding the little baby so tight as you rocked her back and forth but her crying wouldn’t stop. 

“Get away from me.” You almost growled at Chris as he approached you in the bedroom, your hold becoming more protective of your sweet innocent child. 

“Please, let me explain.” Chris tried to speak over the sound of the screaming baby which you continued to rock. 

“Explain what, Chris?!” You turned to look at him, tears streaming down your face which matched the face of the distraught newborn. “There is nothing to explain.” You were starting to get overwhelmed with the situation, the screaming of the baby, the cheating man stood in front of you trying to talk his way out of his sins. 

“Mummy?” A little voice spoke from the door. “Daddy?” The small child stood at the door, her fists rubbing at her tired eyes and chubby cheeks. “Is Penny okay? Mummy, are you okay?” she questioned, unsure what all the noise was about. Her tired eyes adjusted as she looked between you and her father, the upset visible on both your faces as well as her newborn sister. 

“Penny’s okay, princess.” Chris spoke up, turning to speak properly to his eldest daughter. He couldn’t comment on how you felt, and he didn’t want to lie to his daughter again. “Mummys got her. Let's get you back to bed.” He hummed, leading the little girl out of the room as he tried to compose himself. In that moment, you had to admit you was grateful for Chris stepping up for his eldest child. 

A few moments passed until you heard Olivia’s bedroom door closing, you’d managed to compose yourself to a certain extent but also calm Penelope down enough that she’d fallen back to sleep and was once again nestled in her basket. 

“I want you gone. You can collect your things during the week, my parents will be here to deal with it. You won’t see the girls. We’re not coming back to Boston.” You rambled out the words that you’d been planning in your head. 

“Babe, please!” He tried to beg, stepping closer to where you were perched on the edge of the bed and looking down at the newborn in her basket. 

“Don’t call me babe. You won’t see the girls until a plan has been made. You’ll leave tonight.” You sighed, defeated.

“My solicitor will be in contact to get the papers signed.”

thank you again for reading, i hope you enjoyed!!!

it's finally finished!!! 🎉

[kindred-spirit-93]

plate of sambusa is the new fruit bowl

[art-from-the-juice-box]

gen loss dump part 2 :]

i have a gen loss playlist so the last two was me hitting randomize and drawing a pic based on the song before it finished. the second one technically isn’t that cause charlie’s inferno isn’t on apple music cause they hate me so it’s way more of the song out of spite because they wouldn’t give it to me.

[puppyeared]

Ouhhhh friendship I love friendship……..

[jellyshark-jester]

Currently having a breakdancing session with myself<333

[codexbrainhasbrokenfree]

Happy Halloween, dude!

I bring you a random Aoki doodle

YAYYY the guy!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN to you too ^^ have a vampire aoki

[newtness532]

im so annoyed with everything today, i think i need some tasty food and a million hours of sleep and then I'll be back to normal

[nomairuins]

its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF

[jackalhadrurusluvr]

the pros of going to my grandmothers funeral/celebration of life tomorrow: closure or whatever. i dont really know ive only been to two funerals in my whole life and i dont fully get what im suppsed to feel and do there

the cons: i dont talk to literally anyone on my moms side of the family. i could follow my brother around but he's gonna be mostly around my mom, who i do not talk to for a thousand reasons. and my ex-neighbors who are very openly transphobic to me will be around her. and no one on her side of the family really Gets that im trans either so like it just all sucks. i will surely get emotional because y'know, and that means that i will be emotional in front of my mom, which is bad for me. all my cousins are weird around me because we were close as kids but now no one knows how to approach me because ive only gotten more awkward and more unable to verbally speak

[radgeorgie]

i love being drunk :)

[earl-grey-love]

Ugh I had a pretty intense day. I wanna spend some time with Sim.eon, that'd make me feel better.

[daforged]

there’s a lot of things im not enjoying about my life right now but i think the worst one is that i don’t have anything to talk about other than how miserable and tired and unmotivated i am

[chainsawworld]

Ohhhhh you know what would be fun for pokemon xy? If we got a legends game like a legends zygarde or something that'd fucking rock

[nomairuins]

ive just realized you guys dont read my posts in my voice... twisted. semirelated what do u guys think i sound like ... do you think i have any strong accent do u think my voice is deep or high quiet or loud whats up.