#they dont know that speaking verbally is already overwhelming so my emotions just become uncontrolled
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the pros of going to my grandmothers funeral/celebration of life tomorrow: closure or whatever. i dont really know ive only been to two funerals in my whole life and i dont fully get what im suppsed to feel and do there
the cons: i dont talk to literally anyone on my moms side of the family. i could follow my brother around but he's gonna be mostly around my mom, who i do not talk to for a thousand reasons. and my ex-neighbors who are very openly transphobic to me will be around her. and no one on her side of the family really Gets that im trans either so like it just all sucks. i will surely get emotional because y'know, and that means that i will be emotional in front of my mom, which is bad for me. all my cousins are weird around me because we were close as kids but now no one knows how to approach me because ive only gotten more awkward and more unable to verbally speak
#i was being so brave about it but then i accidentally ran into my mom in the store#and i was forced to talk to her#and now i am filled with so much dread and i really dont want to see her again#and the whole neighbors thing is so stressful bc like. they speak about trans issues (slash deragotory) in front of me#they purposefully misgender and deadname me#they try to poke at me because i cant rise back to say anything to them and so i guess maybe theyre trying to “its just a phase” me#or something idk#and i know if my dad knew this he would be understanding of me not wanting to spend anymore time there then necessary#but its so. embarassing i guess. how do i tell my dad that these people hate me for who i am#how do i tell my dad theyve talked about how theyd disown their child if they were trans very cruelly in front of me#i guess its not that embarassing because it makes me angry but i would also probably cry explaining it all#and then THAT would be embarassing#and it makes me feel soooooooooo isolated whenever im around family that i used to be close to#like wow. damn. i really am just not like the other girls (and by girls i mean just everyone)#idk. idk#also let it be known i know the part of funerals is also sharing stories and everything but i cannot speak to people#and i especially cannot do it when its about something emotional#they dont know that speaking verbally is already overwhelming so my emotions just become uncontrolled#uuurgghhghghh. idk#the misery
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