#im not comfortable in my body either
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arrgh I hate accidentally misgendering myself!!!! *stars setting stuff on fire*
#i havent gotten used to they/them as the one (1) person who uses my preferred pronouns left the fguckin country and I wont see him in a year#and apart from that EVERYONE calls me she/her and I hate it!!!!#it makes me question if i like using they/them and hhrhrhhrhr constant overthinking#well no there are other people who know im enby but i live in a spanish speaking country and the spanish they/them is elle which:#1- is written the same as the french female pronouns (and i know french soooo *cries*)#2- sounds really weird and bad#sorry for vent i just wish i would stop misgendering myself :(#im not comfortable in my body either#I really want top surgery eventually but im#terrified of any surgery#talks
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I'm leaking.
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#yesod#yesod lobcorp#elijah carmy n gio are there too but barely visible fue to lighting im not tagging them#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobcorp spoilers#meltdown 💥💥🔥 god this one had me struggle so hard to do it. its sloppy w shadding and there are errors. tis fine. im noy fixing#three days total? one for sketch and notes other for line art of bodies last for objects and coloring. hurt. yowch . anyways talking abt it#yesods meltdown form looks so slimey. like saliva. expunged from the form after he had gotten so sick to the point of having bile rise#keeping it short bc my brain is fried (short by my standards). wanted to have him crawling out or being dragged into the middle. strangled#and bound by the material wrapping the body. the uhh key which is barely visible. wanted to have the floor melting from l corps to the old#lab in the outskirts. bullet holes that are also barelt visible (sorry for u james being gun down sounds like ass). expunging/censoring of#information that spurred the meltdown. obvious corpses but also the death of carmen and having to use and build upon the hurt and body of#another for the sake of progress and continuing to get results paired w elijahs which further helped to spur upon the obsession with rules#and his decent paired w the human experimentation (more hurt of another for comfort of another) on giovanni. wanted to have him look not#fully there? yesod that is. plus gabriel. despondent seems far more scary that vivid emotions especially for someone like him#uhh wanted elijah's arm and hand to not be there but the sleeve to be therrle bevauseshe desolved and the sort. didnt end up adding the#blood and other liquids upin her sleeve though. not fixing allat#right obligatory examination table reference. mash up of everything that isnt cohesive but more of a mush of all the bad no good#also a feeling of isolation? dont know if i got that right just checked my notes. the only thing i can say that got it was the soul point#in the middle along with the fact the rest are either covered facing away or further down#... yeah im not going to claim it all was intentional for that part it wasnt done very well#angela carmen piece time. it is significantly more simple...
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@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.
#my art#this is how I think theyd present themselves either in person or in headspace. the slouchers <3#sifs outfit is simple; the boots i always give them (but with star laces for funsies); loose sweater; simple pants#the pants are Meant to be jeans but isat doesnt Specifically Have Jeans so. theyre just Pants.#the sweater is slightly looser bc sif doesnt seem like a Form Fitting Clothes kinda guy to me but hes Trying to be more open#on particularly good days theyll roll the sleeves up or wear a sleeveless one methinks#even if everyone Knows abt the self-harm scars its hard to Look at them.#i also associate them being more open with them not wearing an eyepatch. esp bc hes the only one of the three to go without it#for mal (or 'ami' as i like to call it) i wanted smth reminiscent of a mourning outfit bc mal du pays means homesickness#and i picked 'ami' as a nickname bc ami means friend :] at least according to my basic translator. i dont speak french <3#ami's outfit being dark is also reminiscent of the inversion thing its got going on in canon.#ik the veil is starred in the original but i think ami would want the fewest reminders of home. on account of The Issues#(actually if i can come back to sifs laces sif also has issues with reminders of it bc of the memory loss but the shoelaces are His Choice—#—which gives them a form of control over it and they can keep it subtle or undo it if he wants. which makes it easier)#anyway. i put amis hair in an updo and smoothed the hat bc i think ami wants to be Unremarkable. Unknown. so it keeps its silhouette Simple#(it still keeps the pins. theres smth comforting abt them. they shine like stars and theyre not stars and theyre not Home. but theyre You.)#and i kept the long hair i gave loop. dont ask me why its so long when the canon hair is short. maybe their hair kept growing over the loop#OH and i drew ami in a side profile bc Silhouette and also bc i think itd make an effort to keep people away from its blind spot#andddd i think thats about it? plus i actually managed to keep this one within a reasonable timeframe.#if their hair changes lengths/the proportions change between drawings. no they dont 💛 peace and love and body craft#OH AND YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE WHAT I MEAN ABT SIFS BOOTS BC THESE ARE THE BOOTS I GAVE THEM ON MY REGULAR DESIGN ARENT THEY NEAT#i did actually try to give sif a different font but nothing Works for them like the pixel font. i cant explain it.#i think 'ami' would be a nickname that mira gives it. bc. shes Fantasy French. and its a sort of 'youre more than your yearning/loss' thing#me every time i think abt sifstem: yeah they just rotate in my head. nothing major#me every time i talk abt sifstem: oh hey im almost at tag limit again#au Good what can i say
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Screaming into the void, don't mind me
#i fucked up my chest binding#by which I mean either im allergic to this tape or i overstretched it#either way its red blistering and extremely painful#this is ginna suck for a few days#why couldnt i get a body with a flat chest naturally#its bullshit that i have to put in work and risk permanent damage just to feel comfortable in my skin#i fuckin hate this sometimes#dare rants
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ok hi haha lol I dont rly feel like going in circles in my head forever trying to figure out whether, among other "smaller" things, being left alone in a room w only media as a child and not feeling like I had even a semblance of a personality for most of my life counts as "trauma"
a lot of these parts of me are new, I'm just recently putting names to them and it feels as though I'm developing facets of personalities in my mid 20s after a lifetime of either feeling like I'm basically just ADHD in a person, an amalgamation of kins shoved into a body, or something made of guilt Also shoved into a body.
I don't like, claim to know what this means. but I don't think a lot of my current mutuals would feel comfortable interacting w me bc I don't necessarily believe in the black and white of what plurality is. I'm not able or planning on getting any formal diagnosis and while I'm discussing this w my therapist they're very much not one to pathologize
I definitely don't feel like one person but I dont think id count for most of you as a "system" as the different parts of me feel as though theyre still developing. take all of this as you will, I'm not going to stress my body out more by trying to figure out "what" I am as I've been doing that my whole life and I'm kinda tired of it.
I know that I'm not entirely one thing and feel Enough like multiple things for myself, but blurred in a lot of ways. like some sort of gem with many different facets.
not sure where to go w this tbh take this how you will. im not comfortable saying I'm leaning one way or the other regarding system discourse, (<- not a phrase i want to use but the best shorthand i have) as I genuinely don't believe the human brain is nearly that black and white.
I'm both "me" and very much not "me" at times. idk what this means but ik I'm not comfortable saying im just pandora and im not sure im "allowed" to say im a system and im not sure if it matters, or should matter, regarding friends. im going to be like this regardless, id unfollow me if this grey area im likely to stay in bothers you
if you don't want me refollowing I'd probably block, too, as my memory is bad
#puts this in my drafts to publish at atime to cause maximum damage to my#social circle and mental health bc i LOVE conflict and pain#< A JOKE lmao this has been causing me severe distress for ages so whatever unfollow me idc#outgoing transmission#idk when im gonna publish this ive been going back n forth w my therapist a lot#rhis maybbe repetitive im just uhh tired and have been legitimately driving myself crazy overthis for ages#bc honestly like i didnt exist as a person until age 14 at least and that person#wasnt... me. isn't me they dont exist to me anymore and im not sure#the one before 19 existed either its all fractured#is that trauma?? or is it something else. does that make me endogenic to you?? i really dont know or understand#you can decide for yourself. but im not comfortable saying either way.#i barely feel comfortable existing. i dont exist? as i type this 'i' is wrong but nothing else fits so far#we could go for we and we have befkre bht so far its so nonexistent whats the opposite of i#nothing...? [ ]#some blank. the dilemma is that nothing is real.#these tags are not. genuinly i am fake.#this will get published sometime in a haze and this body will wake up to a disaster.#not enough bridges burned i guess. sure.#back 2 sleep dont send me asks abt this jst block if ur gonna block
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The way masato could’ve used tape or something instead of a binder but I like the idea of him being so determined to be a miserable piece of shit that he didn’t out of spite (spite for who? I don’t even think masato knows atp)
BIG AGREE.....
#snap chats#i now get liberty to share all my toxic thoughts <3#internalized transphobia moment except masato is Perpetually The Moment#when it comes to something like tape i just feel like he'd think it's such a 'sham' so to speak#or moreso that he's a 'sham' since he has to even do things like that#at least with a binder there's an excuse that it's like clothes but. but masato likes his open shirts so LOL#like its so Painfully obvious of what hes doing and he hates the fact he HAS to do that to feel comfortable with himself#so like Forgo It he'll be miserable either way so why bother#i feel like if arakawa found out masato was using tape he'd be concerned too#mostly just cause That Must Hurt Doesnt It <:) esp cause he'd prob be using Not Proper Body Tape. like duct tape ☠️#NO STORY TIME because I Like Sports i get hurt a lot and i got hurt a lot growing up#so my mom would always use this 'rock tape' or atheltic tape on me aaaaaandd OWWOWOWOWW#TAKING IT OFF SUCKED. didialsouseitforrelatedpurposes UNIMPORTANT POINT IS the concern. the pain.#IM TRULY SPEAKING TOO MUCH NOW i must focus on class.....
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maybe a bit tmi but. I need to Scream.
#i almost dont know whats worse#if this just random bleeding or if it IS my period#but. period doesnt make much sense because i have had my tablets every day. i shouldnt be getting it.#random bleeding... is kinda scary. given all the weird discharge ive been having lately. and the. everything else going on in my body.#the chest pain. the back pain. the weird skin on my fingers.#...did misako know i needed comfort. she just walekd up to me and headbutted me. baby.#but like.#this is either a bunch of coincidences.#or there is something Wrong.#and its freaking terrifying because#my mum was only about 3 years older than me when she got diagnosed with leukaemia.#and. there is a LOT. of cancer. in my family.#so i kind of feel like im bound to get it too at some point#and. what if this is it.#i know my doctor said if the chest pain was from cancer it would be worse by now but.#that doesnt mean NOTHING is wrong#and now#this#i hate periods but i kind of hope its just that#even if it means the next few days will be hell#...actually. getting a period is kinda odd too. because. im on the pill. which stops it.#and ive taken it every day. the pharmacy only gives me the active ones.#i think i may have had it a bit late the other day or yesterday? maybe?#please let that be it . please.#ignore me#vent#period mention#YAY now i have to try and sleep with THIS on my mind !! :)))))#save me mark bob and wade playlist. save me.
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i fucking hate when websites have plus size clothing but its modeled by skinny people. not only is that super unhelpful understanding how its designed for fat body types, but it tells me that u didnt bother to hire fat people to model ur clothes made for that body type. is it really that hard to hire fat people? they dont even have to be a model they can be anyone willing to do it, i dont care i just want to wear clothes that fit me!!!
#tw fatphobia#<- just in case#ughhghghgh#i fucking hate shopping i hate it!!!!!!#im just. so tired of either not finding clothes that fit me or solid color and floral print shirts#i just want to wear cool clothes i like that fit me and are comfortable and make me feel confident and pretty/handsome#i want to wear clothes i like without being punished for how my body looks#is that seriously too much to ask?#i was looking through a website that sells really cool goth clothes and saw they did this and got so pissed#GOTH WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT FAT PEOPLE 🗣📢#anyway if anyone even reads these tags and knows any based shops that sell cool plus size clothes please lmk 👉👈#honk.sfx
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I'm kind of obsessed with how he turned out
#my art#art#rengoku#rengoku kyojuro#also i know that his body wouldnt be that flawless as a hashira just let me live ive stepped out of my comfort zone enough for this one#he would never train naked either so like 🤷🏻♀️ this is feral art#im still learning digital art but i really like this one#yapping#it looks like hes looking at my tag 😅#originally o was trying to draw him getting his dick sucked but i couldnt achieve it the way i wanted so heres to more practice 🫡#cant wait to send this one to my publisher to sell#i know that sounds weird but theyre my proxy for selling anything i have anonymously
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brrrrr (/pos)
#weight talk#<- just in case even though this is pos#but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life#like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL#i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL#but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety#partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly#so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up#well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite#and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs#highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16#and then it dropped 10#and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER#and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left#like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling#but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back#I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE#and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore#like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards#but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore#I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man#and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic#when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way#and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore#i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat#seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy
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why did i decide to take a job at an extremely active and sport-focused camp this summer.
#well on the bright side i got my legal name changed to phoenix on the staff portal#but training starts tomorrow#and im gonna be the bitch that's slower and less fit than everyone else#like i genuinely do not see a scenario where that doesn't happen#i'm either gonna have to push my body beyond what its capable of doing comfortably#or ask for breaks#i hate the society we live in#where i internalized that asking for breaks is weak and embarassing#but to answer my own question. it's because the pay is so much better than the other camp jobs i was applying to lmaooo#i mean i'm sure i'll get more fit as the summer goes on#but being behind everyone else in the beginning is gonna be so stressful#i tried so hard to exercise more this month. but i don't think i did it more than 3 times a week#which i don't think was enough#but hopefully it will be something#i also hate the sun and bugs.#WHY AM I DOING THIS KASJHDAKSHD#i don't even know if i like working with kids :''')#i hate new situations where i have no idea what to expect#i did as much research as i could but the autism can't handle the things i can't know or prepare for#idk what i need rn. everyone's who's told me that its gonna be fun or a good time or whatever has not helped#and anyone who's validated me and said that it sounds stressful hasn't helped either#so i will take your likes on this post as a little kiss on the cheek <3#that's all i need#phoenix talks
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i’ve just moved to a third friend’s place who’s letting me stay there for a while and their place is on the 3rd floor w no lift and i jus wanna die
#not bc of their house but bc i dont have a house and getting an accessible house is so fucking hard in this city/cuntry on a budget#my friend who cane to drop me helped me up and he’s someone i trust w my life w having access to my body to lift/lean on etc#it’s too triggering and overwhelming to rely on people im not comfortable w having to be touched or held but that is what id have 2 rely on#even though im grateful for their help.#this whole situation is just making me extremely suicidal bc its like if im dead i dont have to go through this#its either that or if i wasn’t disabled#or if i had enough money#or if i hadn’t run away and was still with my family.#as much as i hate them and they fucked me over sm and were insanely ableist and abusive#they were also the ones who met my access needs and kept them in mind in various situations tho sometimes rigid#p
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starting to think im a bard of void instead of being a knowledge class. i have the whole bardic crisis thing (oct 13 2013. sunday) the whole opposite aspect thing before that (Gifted Kid TM where part of my personality was bring smart. is very lightcore) and just how i seem to destroy everything i touch.
my aversion to lying and how terrible i am at it because its on a physical level in my body and i have to script it in advance (yes this is mostly autism) and not liking to keep secrets and being a blabbermouth. destroying void.
destroyed by void. getting FADED with weed. self isolation and most of my time being spent gaming or on the computer/phone. my awful terrible recurring dreams (dreams are void) that i have a fucking tag for. but the horrors have become almost mundane with how repetitive they are in my dreams and thats why i dont call them nightmares
#le p2iigh#the 'this classpect perfectly describes all my flaws' type of classpecter#no but my dreams are always like. im in school and i dont know why they wont let me drop out.#dont know if its college or What. but sometimes my former therapist is there. the one i had a crush on.#thats a thing i have with male mentor/teacher figures because of a Very Specifc Reason#other things that are always in my dreams. my dorm on the 3rd floor im always trying to figure out what clothes to wear whats clean#packing so i can go to the house that im living at that is specifically not home. wondering when i can go home to check on the cats#wondering why home looks so different its almost unrecognizable. my uncle is there. always. mom always has something Wrong with her#things being on fire near wherever im staying like next door across the street. most recently like the whole neighborhood.#not beating the doom player allegations with these descriptions.#heres more void coded things abt the dreams. being in/around bodies of water. theres one particular river i go to a lot its past some woods#the woods area separates the river and i walk upstream until i come across the widest part and the initial fork#theres always various Creatures in the water that im scared of.#this happens whenever im on the coast and in the ocean too. except sometimes theres stuff that wants to eat me#and thats not counting the kinnie dreams. either its ocean stuff that reminds me of being link.#or its like. i guess side order levels or something. and also more cursed than usual salmon run. on cursed stages. eels chasing me#(obvoiusly the agent 8 kinnie dreams)#my real life anxieties about the cat litter and taking a shower meaning i dream about having to do those things.#trying to find a place to lie down and sleep that feels comfortable for me but its impossible#thats. most of the recurring things in my dreams. my brain is tired and i interrupted myself doing Tasks for this.#i didnt expect to ramble about the recurring nature of all of these dream things. and obviously the tag is going here#adventures in losap#< the dream tag
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do you have any examples? i only ask because im of the belief that all parts of an animal should be used, and i know im lucky to live in a place thats moving away from industrial farming so that IS a possibility, so if the animal is dead or going to die anyway, shouldnt real leather take priority over synthetics?
ive also only ever seen faux leather that isnt plastic made of 'corn leather' which degrades really fast and has a really harmful process though, so if theres more im curious to know?
Ayoo just to preempt the inevitable dumb takes we’re about to start seeing;
I am PRO-WOOL
I am PRO-LEATHER
I am PRO-BEES
Fuck the idea of replacing durable, sustainable animal products with cheap, flimsy plastic that doesn’t bio-degrade. Agave nectar and other artificial sweeteners are expensive, labor-intensive, and destroy the environment to be farmed.
Do not buy into pernicious marketing campaigns pushed by dickhead organizations trying to stay relevant, like PETA.
#especially because as much as im pro ethically sourced animal products....its weird#fur and leather feels weird#thats flesh....#but im also very skeptical of all synthetics after seeing 'cruelty free wool' which was marketed as...faux wool#not even as acrylic or polyester...i dont know what it was but it wasnt an organic material like cotton or linen either#sheep and alpaca NEED to be sheered#i dont know why some people think that harms the animal#but then there are also a lot of vegan options thst ARE harmful to the environment too like stevia and agave farming that never seems to be#acknowledged as such#so i do tend to be a little skeptical of some claims like the leather thing but if there really is safer options then some people need them#like people who have allergies to honey or sugar need agave or stevia#but it should only be treated as an option not that everyone im the world should convert#because then even removing the harmful farming practices theres also people like me who cant tolerate stevia in my body too#its all complicated and nothing is really 100% GOOD or SAFE but if there are more options id like to know and expand my knowledge on these#like yes bamboo is an option for things like fabric or tools but its another harmful practice and frankly the fabric isnt as nice as cotton#and cost twice as much....#is it better than synthetic options? maybe..kinda? but is it worth it? not really#anyway#ive rambled ans its probably not coherent but know that i mean this all in good faith#im just heavily skeptical of some vegan arguments when ive seen a lot of them ignore the fact the practices and processes arent actually#any better or safer than non vegan practices. we just need ETHICAL practices rather than vegan or not vegan and evedy can choose what theyre#comfortable with from there cause some people will never be able to agree with leather and some people have allergies
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Wish I could dress like a guy WISH I COULD JUST DRESS LIKE A GUY WISH I COULD DRESS LIKE A FUCKING GUY TEARING MY BROTHER LIMB FROM LIMB I JUST WISH. I COULD DRESS. LIKE A GUY. AND LOOK NICE. AND LOOK GOOD. AND ACCEPTABLE. AND PERFECTLY FINE.
#i am genuinely upset about this. my endless fucking torment. FUCK#i fuckrd it up for myself by saying skinny jeans are no longer a thing for me. because theyre uncomfortable#thirty years of this bullshit#i just want to wear the skater jeans and look fun. just want to be comfortable. just want to wear those stupid tight but not very tight#chino type pants and not look like a gender-non conforming person#i really do feel teary.#i just eant to be able to dress what is deemed masculine right now and be gender-conforming.#i hate. i hate. hate so much#my stuff#personal#anyway forget it.#the less your body is like the feminine ideal the harder you have to work and the less comfortable you're allowed to be#i cant even express why im so fucking upset. why cant i just be me and look good. and not ridiculous? Which means gender-conforming.#i cant even transgress the rules right. dont gave the body for that either. or the insight. or the guts.
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can't be trusted to say something sexy and cute because last night I was cuddling with my man and I went "hey, you're like the same width as my cat!!!"
#he is a skinny mother fucker#and when we cuddle im usually the one getting cuddled#and when he does turn over to sleep more comfortable and i still want touch im really minimal woth my touching him#mostly because he has a fucked up body and is sore or hurting a lot so i dont know if me draping an arm over him or something is comfy#and he doesnt communicate if hes uncomfortable until after or when he gets really uncomfortable (tho hes been getting a lot better about it)#because he says he doesnt want to bother me if im comfy and hes always sore and shit so its worth it being a bit worse to be with me#so i feel a little cautious draping iver him or grabbing at him#(though ive been more comfortable with initiating cuddling or being more touchy and less passive now that he HAS been communicating more)#so it was like my first time with my arm fully draped over him when he was laying on his side#because im comfy with his chest because hes specifically pulled me onto his chest a lot#but i know his ribs are a fucking ISSUE for him sometimes#and i was really aware on how familiar it felt on my arm#and then it hit me that the same amount of my arm that was on him was about the amount that is draped over my cat when she lays next to me#and i just kinda said it out of shock lol#whores lovesick musings#i am more the one doing the cuddling while he gets cuddled if one of us is sitting#if im sitting hell lay in my lap and either have his head in my legs or kinda nuzzle it into my chest#or when hes very first waking up and ive been up hell nuzzle into my chest drifting in and out of sleep#but then im still kinda passively stroking his hair or his shoulder#im just not the most passionate in the world i guess lol#i want to get comfy (still cuddled) and stay there#hes the one that keeps looking up for kisses or pulling my leg between his or turning to nuzzle into me#as long as i have some touch im just chilling lol
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