#im going to the psychiatrist rn
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My Gravity Falls books will arive in 2 weeks IM GOING INSANE I NEED IT NOW
#gravity falls#jounal n° 3#the book of bill#book of bill#gravity falls 2024#alex hirsch#why cant amazon be faster#FASTER#im going to the psychiatrist rn#AND IT IS A 2H RIDE#i wanna stay home#but i need my meds#*sad adhd noises*
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people have gotten the rainbow crate versions of the og aftg trilogy with the short stories,,,,,
#im just WAITING. WAITING FOR PEOPLE TO POST THEM#if there’s a kevin pov im going to eat my entire hand#i really need to use this as motivation to write my law school personal statement because this is Not Occuring Rn.#im supposed to have a draft of this by Monday so i can show it to my fucking PSYCHIATRIST to edit#save me aftg short stories save me#aftg#all for the game
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They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands
#3rd month of taking antidepressants and knowing that There Is something majorly fucked up within me#i feel like im becoming normal bit by bit but also now my other problems become my aparent to me#i started to notice i have this childlike simplistic attitude towards wonder and relationships but also at the same time i understand the#severity of troubles around me on the level of burned out adult#but also it takes me from a week to several years to realize what people meant#and yet sometimes i get everything clearly#there are still ways to go#i still have to find a therapist#cuz psych diagnosed me with BPD; geberal anxiety disorder and ADHD and said i have autism signs that could explain the development of BPD#but all he can do is medical treatment which is not the kind you need for BPD and autism#im not saying you can treat autism but yeah he meant i need a psychotherapist for these instead of psychiatrist#i hope i can complete this mental health journey bcuz i feel like i finally got hit with all the weight of burnout i had all these years#i did some creative work in the august/early september but rn its all touching grass in real world and playing games#like i cook i help my family with chores i play fortnite i clean up my room i go out at 1am to look at the stars#all of my own volition without feeling like i need to push myself to do this#I'm scared that making art is not one of those things#i often have a thought that maybe art isnt really for me and in a perfect world i wouldnt do it#but then why am i so good at it#like...#petrotalk
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genunely sometimes do not know how to cope with the world being so cold and bureacratic and people who withold care and essential rights to people over arbitrary rules and money and
#i was a psych appointment the other day on telehealth#and my phone is old so it couldnt do the video call on there#and for some reason my laptop camera wasnt working#and the psychiatrist was like mmm yeah :/ ur cam's off so I cant do this appointment#and I was like ?? hm?#and she was like :/ yeah no this is a phone call not a video chat#and I was like ???? im still on ur portal we're chatting rn like what do you mean#and she was like ! sorry it's the insurance who insists on it#and i was like ?? how would the insurance know whether I was cams on or not#and shes like :/// yeah no cant lie to the insurance people sorry#like I've explained to you my technological limitations are very much tied to financial limitations#and you'd rather abide by made up insurance rules than talk to someone and provide them care they need#how am I not supposed to go feral#I can't go in public without someone getting crazy mad while driving or harassing me for being trans#like really and truly how am I supposed to navigate this world without losing my shit#and it's such a weird binary too of having many lovely people in my life and having community and people who love me and will help me#and like how can humans be so wonderful and kind and soft but also so cold and distant and unflinching#how do i recon with it all!!!!#and so so much frustration in my life just comes to problems that could easily be solved with money#like my dog keeps ripping up my trash bags and making messes every day for me to come home to#and if I had $50 for a locking trash can or like money to get her care while I was gone then this wouldnt happen#but I literally pay all my bills and have like $20 left over every pay cycle if im lucky#and I totally recognize like even this is heads and shoulders above what some people have and I am so grateful to have a car and an apartme#t#and to be able to properly care for my pets but like god damn#why am I spending all my waking hours and energy at a job when I don't even have any god damn money or financial security at the end of the#day#stupid academic voice and I have two masters#anyways#personal
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got diagnosed with another skin condition thats caused by stress lmao this is fine
#my body is cycling through a near constant stress response and its doing awful shit to me#i need to find a way to calm tf down#considering going to a psychiatrist to get some anxiolytics. i dont wanna get back on ssris tbh but id kill for some tavor rn lmao#i just need sth to calm down when im having bad days#bc no breathing exercises no pmr no movement no skills nothings helping#and i cant keep doing this to my body#also need to stock up on natural shit like idk baldrian or sth need to up my herb game#i also considered weed but idk im too worried about psychosis im not gonn lie
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#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought#i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy#its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere#bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like#normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes#possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my#reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it#i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything#in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place#i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass#i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired#god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or#read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill#so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating#its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage#bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn#unrelated
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i took a break from kinktober writing to crochet a sweater (my first wearable project, im very excited) and i'm listening to the throne of glass audiobook while i do it (IT'S REALLY GOOD IM ANNOYED I DIDNT START ON THE SERIES SOONER??????)
BUT all this to say, i got the idea to - if this sweater goes well - make a velaris sweater :') with ramiel on it :') it's already a thing i know but ive wanted one since the first time i saw one on tiktok but i dont wanna buy clothes on tiktok bc im worried about wearing anything THAT cheap bc i have sensitive skin, and theyre WAY expensive on etsy, so i will make my own :D
#this has nothing to do with writing#sorry yall#i just had to tell someone#and no one ik irl likes acotar or crochets so like#yall get to deal with my ramblings about it#anyway kinktober days 1-17 are done#im sweating idk how im balancing everything rn#no sleep and hanging on by a thread?#5 classes this semester; 20+ hours a week at the lab; OVERSEEING INCOMPETENT PEOPLE AT LAB; PERSONAL EMOTIONAL TURMOIL#crocheting; writing; and somehow still managing to clean and cook and eat and shower and skincare and GOD#i know a lot of this is like...... normal stuff a person needs to do every day but like#im medicated girls.... and the wellbutrin is not wellbutrining rn#has not been for like weeks now#maybe i need to talk to my psychiatrist........#yikes oversharing now gonna go#i was gonna write but i simply do not feel like it#i am going to make my sweater and listen to tog thank you#this has been my daily pop in with you guys
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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its only been 2 weeks but i just dont feel like i can do this.
its really stressful. the workload is always high. having a break isn't really a thing. and with how bad my schedule is (that i could not do anything about) i have to wake up extremely early (5-5:30am) and i come home in the evening (also 5-5:30 but pm). and i just have to dedicate that time to homework and i know there's going to be lots of all-nighters
i have no time to eat. im tired all the time. focusing on work is difficult in general, but my lack of eating and sleep make it worse. and while i know the exercise is good for me, having to walk a mile each way to and from home and all my walking on campus makes me very tired and sore. (im so petty)
i know im being overdramatic because its only been 2 weeks. but it gets worse from here on out. im really stressed and anxious all the time. and ive already broken down a few times. i want to cry right now because im under so much stress, but people are awake so i cant.
its so petty. i want to give up now and i keep contemplating, i thought about going to the rooftop and. well. you know. i want to drop out now but that would upset my family a ton (also its only been 2 weeks!!!). but i dont really like my family's idea that if they went to college and got their degrees, so can i. they all went to college so thats what was encouraged of me to do too after i graduated high school. and this is just community college. if im barely hanging on in community college id be dead by now in a uc or cal state, either one im planning to transfer to once im done at community college...
i knew i wasnt cut out for college. i knew it since before applying. i keep telling myself this is only until december. and when i register for the spring term i can hopefully form a much better schedule so im not stressed out and loaded with work all the time and i can actually take care of myself. so im trying to keep moving forward. but its only now september. i have 13 more weeks. and if these first two weeks were enough to kick my ass then im fucked for the rest of the semester. and probably my entire time at college.
#vent#i do not like that i break under pressure so easily#guess who has zero time to go see the psychiatrist and mention my medication isn't working so it cant help regulate my anxiety rn!!!!!!!!!!#i dont want to give up so easily. i feel like it'd be petty of me to do so especially so soon. and im being teased by family for my#complaints. but i really feel like i cant do this. at all.#maybe i could go seek the mental health services on campus but i dont really want to hear the same things over and over#i have a very strong feeling i know what they'll tell me. they get stressed af students like me going to see them all the time probably#i just. want to cry. this stress is terrible.#this was my plan. besides encouragement i wanted to attend community college then go to a 4-year. i feel like I cant give up yet#because this was my idea. i am now here doing what i had planned and now i want to back out. i dont have any right to back out of this#im doing what i wanted and what family wanted. leaving isn't an option what the hell am I thinking?
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not to sound ridiculous but damn this current college situation has got me feeling the worst despair ive ever felt before LMAO
#im just sick and tired of not being able to exceed like i want to#or to at least do a little bit better than nothing#i need a therapist who's actually going to help w my anxiety#or at least see me in person#at this point im paying an exuberant amount of money every month for a zoom call about How I'm Doing Lately#and How Did That Make You Feel etc etc#no hate to my therapist i just need help that is 1. in person and 2. psychiatric#ive hit my limit of being ruled by my own depression and anxiety#ive struggled so much these past few years tbh#also i wanna add im not a danger to myself or others dw!!! its not that kind of depression rn#I'll be fine i just wanna see a new therapist and a psychiatrist#anyways#ciara.txt
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feeling sad? -> draw cock
#sadly i cant draw cock rn because i have to go to the psychiatrist but. im spiritually drawing one#.txt
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#want him. badly. miyoni akita my beloved#hes $15 and $15 too expensive for us rn lol but hopefully ill be able to get him soon!!!#i have a snaps application so maybe thatll help ease the financial burden a little bit#im home from the hospital btw. worst 28 hours of my life#there was a guy screaming at the nurses and calling them the n word and the t slur and threatening to attack ppl#i wasnt allowed to close my door and this happened in the room next to mine#they eventually had to sedate him#but it was bad even leaving that part out#they said they gave me a medication they never did#they never called my mental health team like at all. libby had to tell my therapist i was in the hospital#theyre supposed to keep you a minimum of 72 hours but let me go next day#the only book that wasnt like the last book in a series that i havent read was fucking nuts#had two graphic suicides in the first chapter then had child r*pe in it like graphically#i didnt really go watch the tv in the lobby cause of that guy#so i sat in a tiny room with no windows and just laid there#the first psychiatrist i saw was evil like questioned all my diagnosis and told me i shouldnt have ptsd from chikdhood issues#like it shouldnt still be effecting me#she also tried to take away my plushie but the nice nurses stood up for me so i got to keep moonmoon with me#ive been really not myself since i got out#ive been really angry and short tempered#i have nightmares about being in a cage#if im being completely honest i almost think i feel worse now then i did before#but im just going to keep it all to myself cause i never ever want to go back#so if anyone asks im feeling much better and im perfectly fine :) lol
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Tag rambling ignore me
#clemmie talks#im dropping out of my masters program for library science#i feel bad doing it but im so burnt out from undergrad and its too hard for me intellectuallly#like im just too dumb and silly i dont know whats going on :(#im going to work on getting my drivers license and a regular job with my bachelors instead for now#hopefully at Best Buy or something. cuz i love computers#but yeah ill try my masters again later. mentally i am not able to do it rj#*rn#i feel bad and stupid bc my other friends were able to do it. but i am like.... idk#i think its autistic burnout cuz i am barely functioning#need to talk with my psychiatrist about it i know. for now tho. i guess ill do my best to.... do other stuff#:/ i wish i was smarter and more motivated but im. so tired all the time
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#the way i wish i was dead rn lmao#every time i rehearse how i want to confront my psychiatrist about her straight up forgetting about me until the last minute i#start to cry cause it hurts so fucking much to trust that someone will do their best to help me but instead causes me massive emotional pain#due to their own carelessness. and i hate that how even after so many times of rehearsing it i still dont have it down yet#im either going to make a fool of myself or sound like an ass but at this point im starting to not fucking care anymore
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lying awake at 3 am because i just realised the psychiatrist i went to would have been taking more money from patients in one day than i make in 4 months
#so fucked up#it was almost 500 bucks a session with her. a 45 minute session for 500. if she worked 9 to 5 she could have had up to 10 sessions a day.#so could have made 5000 dollars from patients in one day. 5000 in one day. im going to vomit#so fucked up that the monatary standard for psychiatrists is so high. thats a buisness specifically for people with mental issues. a lot#of us cant work because of those issues and r seeking help because of that and simply cannot pay that much for help. im so upset rn#my parentz paid for my psych appointments (YEEHAW) so im lucky but i could never have paid for them myself
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Just had my first therapy session and I love my therapist!!
#my last therapist was uh. bad. so after her i vowed to never go to therapy again#but lately ive realized my head is kinda fucked and i need some help#so i talked to my psychiatrist and she recommended a therapist#and i saw her today!#she asked if i had any goals for transition or if i was happy where i am#i told her im oretty happy with my body and everything rn#she said 'i dont want to sound like im saying you have to transition. because transitioning isnt a requirement to be trans#but i want to let you know that if you ever change your mind and have a goal for transition. i can write notes for hormones and surgeries'#shes a treasure and i love her#im gonna go get a drink now#normally i dont like tea but yesterday i bought a raspberry green tea lemonade and it was amazing#and in 1.5 hours i have to go to work but its okay cuz its friday
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