#also i wanna add im not a danger to myself or others dw!!! its not that kind of depression rn

[ubereatsyourpussy]

not to sound ridiculous but damn this current college situation has got me feeling the worst despair ive ever felt before LMAO

[f33itan]

5, 16, 22, 28, 58, 59 lmaooo is it too many? :3

Oh no, it isn’t many at all!! Glad you requested pastel :] If anything I’m just warning you that this might be long

5: is there anyone who can always make you smile?

Unless I’m in a super SUPER utterly terrible mood, it would be my Mother. Yes I love my Dad to bits as well, but my mom and I have that extra special mother-daughter connection yk? Usually when I’m upset or weary about something my mom can take one good look at me and read me like a book.

Nat: Literally doing NOTHING

Mum: Nati.

Nat: Yes?

Mum: What’s wrong?

Nat: Nothing, why?

-Silence and avoiding eye contact-

Nat: Okay so maybe there might be a teeny tiinnyy thing-

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?                  

I can’t even TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES THIS HAS HAPPENED OMG BAHAHAH but for now I’ll just give a recent time. Okay so me, my cousin and a daughter of one of my dad’s friends (she’s my age dw we good) were in my room chilling on this massive beanbag going from ranting about daddy levi to getting in our feels, and it got to the point that around 3 am my cousin left to the living room to play beat saber ad I was left with the girl. Not too long before this i was in my feels about how ive been rejected on valentine’s day, called ugly by my crush (which hurted, do not attempt) and called clingy for comforting a friend etc and me and the girl plopped on the bean bag in a position that, uh, how do i say this... hmm. . . ILL JUST DRAW AND ADD A PHOTO SO IT MAKES SENSE LMAO

((PLEASE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DREW IT ON MY LAPTOP WITH MY FINGERS AND CLICK PAD THINGY IM SO SORRY IT SUCKS, AND SHES PAN SAME AS ME SO I WAS IN PANICC at the disco also different fonts so you can tell all of the different thoughts apart))

But anyways yeah we were in that position, and my thoughts were...

-Pan panic- -holy shit im in contact with a person like this thats not my family- -should i turn to cuddle her? no she might think its weird- -wtf nat you literally just met her earlier today- -i know but shes super nice and we relate on a lot of thingsss- -NO- -What would feitan say to this?- -Know your limits brain.-

22. description of crush. 

R we talking 2D or 3D because uh... lets just do both!

3D: literally every alt, goth, emo peep on tiktok, they all look so pretty and for what??

2D: A man way older than me.. Hair up to about his lower neck.. On the short side.. Beautiful shiny purple eyes... Hair that I thought was black but when sampling the color from official art from hxh creators and shit found out its a really dark green.. Murderous, Sadist, and most likely Masochist tendencies.. Hot well toned body.. Chinese.. *Insert Ayesha Erotica’s Emo Boy song*

28. i’ll love you if…

you buy me dark chocolate

If you are able to deal with my constant switch of “I wanna be clingy, cuddly, affectionate and sweet” to “Lets scream lyrics to a song, eat random food and not come in contact with each other unless its play fighting” and a bonus, “Leave me the fuck alone and let me play my video games by myself”

If you tolerate my attitude, and the fact that all I can really cook without getting scared for the most part is scrambles eggs, toast and bagels, re heating a meal (does that even count), and brownies.

Accepting me for who I am, and not just the silly playful cover I share with most people, you can be a shoulder to cry on for me as in almost all situations I’m the shoulder for others, being able to comfort each other and talk about weird and embarrassing things we’ve done in the passed and not get a nasty looked or shamed for it, keeping me from buying really pointless things, dealing with the fact that Im a massive chicken when it comes to roller coasters, yet put me on literally ANY OTHER DANGEROUS THING and I’ll be as happy as a child in a candy store. Swimming with sharks? Fuck yeah! Ziplining over alligators? YES! (Ive done that actually when I was 7 or 8) Go swimming through dark and light ruins of underground passage ways in Cancun? YESSIR!! (Which Ive done as well) Roller coasters? Get the hell away from me.

And simply deal with me, myself. and I

58. description of my best friend

I have multiple so I picked one teehee

Tall, skinny as a stick, for whatever reason can carry me with simply two arms extended out, light brown hair that she always wears in a ponytail (but wore it down for me on my birthday), started out introverted but with me hugging her at school everyday became a big time ambivert, usually the one who keeps me from 1. lashing out at classmates and 2. getting into trouble most of the time, can joke around a lot but speaks rather quietly so sometimes she has to repeat herself for my deaf ass lmao, if there’s inclement weather at school, during our break in class either she or I make a bee line for each other’s desk and start cackling immediately afterwards, random times in class one of us will throw a cringy smirk at the other and it becomes this stupid war of who get the last smirk in, whenever were walking around campus one of us will be holding onto the other’s sleeve loosely, (most of the time its me, but she’s done it too), We have had this thing for years now that when she has her hands on her hips I tried to stick my head through that opening, and for years on end I couldn’t do it, and when I did it was the best day ever

59. why i joined tumblr

Simple reason really, Feitan. Whenever I looked up “feitan fluff” before I went to bed to end the day nicely, it would always bring me to some tumblr page, so I decided to make an account and, well, here we are. ⛹️‍♀️

[violenceeisgolden]

Tmi/tw/an update

Had such strong cravings for alcohol/such strong urges to say "fuck my health, I'm already fucked, lets fucking lose all this weight you gained in recovery, buy some adderall and vodka and allllll the opiates in the world and at least enjoy however many shitty yrs you have left" except like ???? Okay, so my private insta kept !! Getting !! Fucking deleted !! Idk why, like yeahh i bitch about my drug problems and my mental illness but i have never shared a triggering picture? Meanwhile all these accts with people fkn shooting up are still up? Huh what a concept So anyway, i was thinking of making a side blog. Or i could just vent on here i guess but posting on my side blogs sounds safer. Damn. Been out of the Tumblr world for a while now. Anyway, since it's quite clear that I don't care about a fkn thing anymore... lemme give you all a lil update on the joke that is my life. This one's gonna be EPIC. So. Uh. First things first... I made it five days without any form of any opiate in my system. I did not eat anything in those 5 days. (Wanna lose weight?! Just get addicted to painkillers and develop crohns, then quit your painkillers cold turkey!!! You'll drop 10 lbs in a week!) I did not keep many fluids down, aside from the days when i was in the hospital. I was shitting and puking blood by the fourth day, because my body had nothing left in it to get out. I still smell like the stench of withdrawal - aka, overpowering body odor, desperation, sadness, guilt... etc. On the fourth day, my "stool" was nothing but black and blood.. I knew my potassium was low, not including sodium, etc. Was starting to get chest pains. Blah blah blah. IST was acting up. Whatever. I knew I had no choice but to go to my shitty hometown clinic (and... yeah i hate NOTHING more than that fucking place). Luckily, I got this cool 1st shift dr who appreciated my extensive knowledge of my esophageal and colonic conditions. She also gave me morphine. But I mean, 4mg through an IV is like... nothing. But.. that fucking rush. Whenever I get IV narcotics in hospitals, it's a nice reminder for me to forever stay tf away from needles. Anywhoooo Moving along. So i got some fluids/potassium, two of my veins are dead now (not even bc of drug use, as i stated above.. legitimately because I've had one too many IVs placed or wtf ever) so they had to stick me a million and one times and i was like :))))) yeahhhh keep causing more pain guys because ya know. I can just fucking take it obviously!!! And then.. this bitch drops the bomb that i realllyyyyy have been hoping was NOT true for like... ya know... a fucking year... that... okay fuck it, you guys all know i am a shit person anyway, lets add onto it.. anyway yeah. I have herpes. And my HPV is progressing. Still dunno about those cancerous cells bc no one tells ME ANYTHING but she said i have a severe pelvic infection that is travelling towards my liver. So they're like "lets do a REALLY intense course of antibiotics" and im like ??? Fucking a man im getting mad just writing this all out. Anyway i was like uhm. How tf am i supposed to keep down antibiotics when i CAN'T EVEN KEEP DOWN WATER THAT IS WHY I'M FUCKING HERE JFCCCC. And they were like "yeah we're aware but you legit do not have a choice" bc yeah, don't want my liver to go downhill (I've been such a lil fuck to my drs lately.... could not care less tho bc they deserve my bluntness) so i called my new case worker (she is super chill, super gay, lets me swear and call my drs fuckers as much as i want, which is dope) and basically explained, she said she's gonna try and get me back on subs legally so i can at least nourish myself and keep my health up (ill still be in pain but I'm learning that id rather have my body not slowly dying and be in pain... what a cool sacrifice. I also was like... "Hey yeah no hospital is gonna admit me rn... and my health is worse now than it was in '14 when i weighed 60 lbs less so like... I'm going to use street subs. Or opiates in general. For a few days. So i can get my electrolytes back somehow... also did i mention i have herpes? *bawling ensues* anywhooo... Just thought I'd let you know." And she was like "Fair enough. You need to eat." And i was like okay cool tell my dr and his bitchy nurse that usually replies to my messages bc i do not need anymore fucking stigma rn .. okay? Tyvm" so that was.. that i guess. So yeah. I used. On day 5. And... i didn't even truly fucking want to. That's the worst fucking part of this whole fucked up bullshit... I WANT TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND SHOW THEM THAT I CAN DO THIS. And i could have. If it wasn't for my poor health... i fucking could have. And I'm gonna tell that to my pdoc when I see him. But you know what? I fucking ate. I kept down a loooottttt of liquids. Opiate wds technically cannot kill you. And the thing is... I've been through the "near fatal" ones (booze and benzos)... but I always caught my alcohol dts super fast, got treated and then away i went. But no. Opiate withdrawals will not be dangerous~~~..... to a person who is in decent health. I say decent bc lbs if you're using them either legally or illegally, something is already prob wrong lol. I remember a story that my ex sponsor who is now a good but distant friend (who relapsed, and when she relapsed, we became close lol shes sober now tho dw) told me once about opiate dts... she said one of her friends was so dehydrated, malnourished, etc... that he almost did die. And it took him almost dying for anyone to take him seriously. And, as I was laying in that miserable hospital bed... I remembered that. Opiate wds cannot kill you, but you're gonna wanna a) kill yourself, because it's honestly fucking easier that way (or so your mind will tell you) and b) if you're in poor health... try and find a detox center/hospital that will take you. ASAP. On tuesday... fuck i lost my train of thought... (in other news, i now have a promethazine script and... boy oh boy lol probably the best non naroticc/not scjeduled drug I've ever gotten my grubby lil hands on)... yeah idk that's all I publicly got rn. If you actually read all this... 👀 @ you, Ashley, bc ik you're the only one who reads my shit on here anymore (love you for that, btw 💜)... but yeah if you read this all, you guys are the real MVPs... I'm gonna start using one of my private blogs on here. Mainly because..welll...its fucking private and also really enjoy the fact that i saved the URL "clonqz3pain" so... yeah that's all I got. Hope you all are doing better than me.