#im fucking terrified hope this helps

[bitchybylershipper]

kinda crazy that i've been having like a three day long anxiety attack about going to school tomorrow

[mrmeepsmadmind]

traumatized dickweeds turn to torturing each other so they can distract from the fact that they both need therapy

[soap-is-an-artist]

Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...

I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude

[SEVERE rambling in tags]

[skys-archive]

I think the reason the start of this year feels so depressing to me is because it means it's happening. I truly have no idea what may happen next and how scary it may be and that's fucking terrifying.

I don't know what he'll do and what he'll get away with and that's terrifying.

[deadtower]

soooo work fired me for going to the hospital like literally told me that because i did a no-call no-show (untrue, i LITERALLY emailed them that i was in the hospital/recovering from a horrific panic attack and didn’t receive an answer lol) i was terminated although i was a “phenomenal employee”

i’m gonna make a formal dono post tomorrow but i definitely am gonna need help making rent this month so uhhh v3nm0 and c4sh4pp are both deadtower, p4yp4l is as well but they froze my p4yp4l for the moment because they thought my sales from my hiring book were suspicious and i’m working on getting it fixed so feel free to send it there too i guess?

i need uhhh i think 500 by the end of the month to take care of rent and utilities

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again

sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now

Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.

And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.

and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.

no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.

and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.

im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.

and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently

in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.

there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.

no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.

[dovesnest]

-

[pekodayz]

and i lie mentally to make myself feel better but that just bites me in the ass oughhh

[arsen1cs4ng0]

fucking hell

[pepprs]

also cringefail double vent posting over things that are not actually that big of a deal once again lol but i am so fucking miserable today in ways i don’t even know how to articulate. i need to move out. i know exactly where i want to live but they raised rent $300 and i can’t afford that but i want to live by myself so badly but my parents are adamant that i can’t bc i can’t drive and im a “diminutive inexperienced young woman” and i want to punch something. i read half of the drivers manual and cried reading it which is fucking stupid bc it s just the drivers manual. but i want to move out so bad. i hate sharing a room with my sister and im not getting the new room anymore bc we don’t have money to finish it up bc my mom is still sick and no one knows what’s wrong with her and she has to get all these tests. i never have a space i can go to that’s just quiet. i don’t want noise. i don’t want to block out noise with more noise. i want QUIET. i don’t want to be afraid to go into rooms or hear noises i don’t want to hear. and i don’t want to be living here for the three extra months it’ll take me to ng et my permit. im just done. i don’t want to live here!!! and things at work suck and are exhausting and draining and so unbearably overwhelming and i feel terribly lonely and disconnected from everyone and small and scared and i don’t have energy to fix any of it or explain what’s going on or ask for help or get a therapist or whatever. and i keep pulling muscles in my neck. and i want to go to sleep!!!!!!

[star-ocean-peahen]

im so tired so tired and im bored and i need some easy reward chemical for my stupid brain but i dont know where to get it

[seraphim-soulmate]

i may be perpetually gaslighting myself, and also letting negativity take over, but. uhhhhhh. maybe life is also sometimes genuinely hard and i have actual struggles with that. like yes, improving the physical conditions around me (getting out of bed, eating, leaving my house) would definitely help with the mental health but also I have Reason to hide from reality at this moment.

The Issue is mostly that I'll always have a reason to hide from reality. And it will always be hard. And I'll always have to continue to do things. Certainly having a volunteer job would help a lot of this. Do you know how scary and confronting it is to face the implications of doing volunteer work on the other hand? And yes I've just got to get out of my head and go and do something, but I can't quite turn my head off and just go do the thing. It feels stupid turning in this endless loop of "here's another thing i need to do to improve my conditions" without ever being able to acknowledge or see an improvement in my conditions. not because they don't happen, but because they're hard to see. they're nuanced. I'm having to trade things instead of making net gains.

[ventcode]

i cant even sleep. this is bad. just caught up in my own thoughts.

[frankieslaboratory]

Excerpt from Bechdel's Fun Home, page 214

This is Alison Bechdel’s coming out story as featured on the Oberlin College website. 

[dr-gaytorius]

Very awesome that my night was ruined because other people can't act like adults in ways that result in majorly divisive schisms in our community despite the fact that is entirely counterproductive to having any chance of surviving the next 4+ years. I'm just going to have to play my cards right and try to reach these people because they're all my friends but have decided they're each other's mortal enemies. For frankly stupid reasons. Terrifyingly flippant and fickle and honestly I just think some people take for granted the bonds they have because they don't know what it's like to have them suddenly taken away by death, or be betrayed, or left behind. They don't know how good what they have is because theyve never experienced just how bad it can be. And so they don't have the perspective of that loss and loneliness and hurt to fully comprehend the value of what they have. It's sad to say the very least. What a harmful waste.

[schizononagesimus]

that harrow meme where she says having a crush gives her the same symptoms as psychosis. Yeah. yes i forgot to take my meds last night and what about it