#im fucking terrified hope this helps
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kinda crazy that i've been having like a three day long anxiety attack about going to school tomorrow
#im fucking terrified hope this helps#someone save me not even hot to go can help at this point#I'll just hyperfixate all night long and hope the anxiety goes away bc there's no fucking way I'm gonna be able to sleep#anticipation is a fucking bitch#i swear to god I woke up six (6) times last night in cold sweats and remembered about school#finally decided to stop trying to go back to sleep at like 7 am and instead obsessively went through all of my bus schedules and shit#yay stress is so fun#personal
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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soooo work fired me for going to the hospital like literally told me that because i did a no-call no-show (untrue, i LITERALLY emailed them that i was in the hospital/recovering from a horrific panic attack and didn’t receive an answer lol) i was terminated although i was a “phenomenal employee”
i’m gonna make a formal dono post tomorrow but i definitely am gonna need help making rent this month so uhhh v3nm0 and c4sh4pp are both deadtower, p4yp4l is as well but they froze my p4yp4l for the moment because they thought my sales from my hiring book were suspicious and i’m working on getting it fixed so feel free to send it there too i guess?
i need uhhh i think 500 by the end of the month to take care of rent and utilities
#i’m so upset and angry but two coworkers from there that i know personally said it fucking sucks there#and that they’re angry for me but not surprised#i’m so fucking furious i have no idea what the fuck to do#ive applied to about 60 places the past few days im hoping some get back to me by next week#i do have two interviews tomorrow im just like in the throes of such an awful panic attack in terrified to bomb them#anything helps. anything#like i said ill make a formal post tomorrow when i can handle it emotionally#but for now. god
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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#got signed up for group therapy in the psychiatric hospital for six weeks#today was my first day and it was absolutely soul crushing !#like all these people mean so well and everyone is so hopeful but its literally just breathing exercises and self help books#and 'oh have you tried sleeping more'#ive TRIED all of this it doesnt work#i walked the whole way home and was just sobbing my lungs out because i need a fucking EXORCISM !!!! none of this works !!!!!!#i just wanna be able to be safe in my head and i want to stop crawling theres fucking claw marks all over the place because the only reason#im surviving is that its my duty#i need some of the work im doing to actually pay off but so far it hasnt and the world is still a terrifying place#please tell me this is just being a woman in your mid twenties syndrome . please tell me it'll pass
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and i lie mentally to make myself feel better but that just bites me in the ass oughhh
#i don’t wanna be a failure I’m petrified but i have been lazing around for 2 weeks like what the hell is wrong with me😭!!!!!!#graduated no. 4 out my class and I’m just sitting here on the toliet trying to cry one out for once omg#kinda anime🤓 nah.#i srsly need to fix myself. im being perceived by my own instructors prob. terrifying aughhh i rly hope they understand#im so sick eughhh and merch buying doesn’t even help I haven’t been able to enjoy it at all#this is so hard im scared but i need to do smth abt this now#i hate honors system. that can literally fuck so many students up im so serious#sorry i needed to vent somehow#hashtag embarrassing !
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I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse
#marquilla#im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's#gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a#dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you#incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and#theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future#and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to#be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS#so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff#bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then??#like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist#s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with#the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit#like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and#that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man#i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully#but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL#affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow??#idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.
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fucking hell
#ooookay tw for suicide in the tags. just putting that out there#ive been desperately trying to fix things and relationships in the chip fandom#especially with the influx of people breaking off contact with gremlin. theres been a lot of people who've cut her off#i even got in contact with one of her victims through the chip discord. i helped him with his ''experiences with gremlin/apology'' tweet#<- which is up btw. i quote retweeted it on priv but i might repost it here#but i just feel like my efforts are just completely useless#this mindset was what pushed me to defend my friends throughout 2022. but at the same time its how i got into the shit with ''yuzu''#(quotes cuz yuzu was a sockpuppet. gremlin really thought she could chase me out of the fandom after that shit)#im just too fucking hopeful and too fucking nice#i held hope that there'd be a day where the fandom would be nice again - despite me wanting to kill myself **partially** thanks to gremlin#and in february i **had** to leave if i didnt wanna be dead. im (kinda. emphasis on kinda) back in the fandom now but still#im terrified of talking to people directly about this shit. its taken me a lot for me to open up about this shit to other people privately#especially to the folks in the chip discord. it felt so relieving when i knew i was safe to rant about her and what she did to everyone#ughhhh im yapping about nothing. sorry i sound really annoying about this shit LOL#but i just wanted to chuck my feelings out into the void. its what i do#val being a pissbaby
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also cringefail double vent posting over things that are not actually that big of a deal once again lol but i am so fucking miserable today in ways i don’t even know how to articulate. i need to move out. i know exactly where i want to live but they raised rent $300 and i can’t afford that but i want to live by myself so badly but my parents are adamant that i can’t bc i can’t drive and im a “diminutive inexperienced young woman” and i want to punch something. i read half of the drivers manual and cried reading it which is fucking stupid bc it s just the drivers manual. but i want to move out so bad. i hate sharing a room with my sister and im not getting the new room anymore bc we don’t have money to finish it up bc my mom is still sick and no one knows what’s wrong with her and she has to get all these tests. i never have a space i can go to that’s just quiet. i don’t want noise. i don’t want to block out noise with more noise. i want QUIET. i don’t want to be afraid to go into rooms or hear noises i don’t want to hear. and i don’t want to be living here for the three extra months it’ll take me to ng et my permit. im just done. i don’t want to live here!!! and things at work suck and are exhausting and draining and so unbearably overwhelming and i feel terribly lonely and disconnected from everyone and small and scared and i don’t have energy to fix any of it or explain what’s going on or ask for help or get a therapist or whatever. and i keep pulling muscles in my neck. and i want to go to sleep!!!!!!
#purrs#also 3 years ago today i found out i was getting sent home from brighton because of covid. FUCK covid. i am so lucky i haven’t gotten covid#and i hope i never ever get it but this pandemic truly ruined my life in some ways. why am i 24 sobbing hysterically over studying for a#test 15 year olds pass with ease. why am i terrified to step out into the world and do whatever. because being locked down for a fucking#year and a half made me lose hope over and over again until i couldn’t bear to have hope anymore that’s why. and now i guess i can again but#there’s nothing there to work with and part of me doesn’t want to work with anything anyway. i just am stuck in survival mode. i don’t want#to just survive. but every day is like being blasted with a firehose and im exhausted and overstimulated all the time and nothing feels#fully real and i just don’t have the energy to try to change things so i surrender to it or something. idk. it’s not like im the only person#experiencing that and that should help. but it doesn’t. im so angry about what this fucking nightmare pandemic stole from me and how i will#never recover from it or if i do it wont be for decades probably. and i can do things to fix it all right now but instead i want to be angry#delete later#also i probably will never feel comfortable being around even 1 person without an n95 mask even if covid goes away. which it won’t. so lol
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hit tag limit on the last post cos i started talking about roller coasters again 😔
#toy txt post#wish there was a way for me to like. Do. something. with my roller coaster hyperfixation. but im not an engineer i dont want to design them#thats so scary and i couldnt be a ride op cos im scared of riding most of them (disclaimer I KNOW HOW SAFE THEY ARE THATS NOT THE PROBLEM#I DONT HANDLE THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE OF THRILL RIDES FILLING ME WITH ADRENALINE VERY WELL IT CAUSES ME PAIN#i do not enjoy it. but i love to see coasters and watch them and read about them 🥺 and also sometimea i read about. the incidents which#felt like very foolish at first like okay this isnt gonna help me get comfortable riding them but honestly actually it did help?#to see how many of the incidents are like. truly like either freak accidents or someone fucked up#but like the rides safety mechanisms usually are very good and not the reason for an accident. most errors seem to be like. act of god or#like. operator or rider error. and some of the operator errors are kind of terrifying BUT ALSO seem like things that can be prevented#maybe the new wave of unionizing in the us will sweep into theme park employees and make sure theyre paid well and recieve good benefits#and that they are not pressured to prioritize profits or faster throughput at the expense of safety. and (really optimistic i know) maybe#we as a society and culture can unlearn our systemic fatphobia to the point that its doable to turn someone away for being#too big to ride safely without making them feel like shit or like its their fault and MAYBE we'll even possibly just maybe figure out how#to make rides that can actually accommodate larger guests safely so they can participate in the fun without fear or bodyshaming#logically i know theres no way to remove 100% of risk and that there is still heightened risk especially for ppl w various#medical conditions but idk i think we as a society can keep theme parks and do them well. i believe in us.#i should go to more of them....ive been to like. not that many but i do still have favorites#hershey my beloved. i LOVE how visible all the coasters are all the time i LOVE the skyview going right through great bears track#i hope i can go again this yr and see the new wildcat 🥺 absolutely not going to ride that fucking thing but i am definitely going to stare#at it. jenn if youre reading this i cannot fucking believe you got me to ride og wildcat honestly#p sure that rattle gave me a headache and i would not do it again that was a rough fucking ride lol but im glad u somehow got me into that#i have. such a complicated relationship with being peer pressured onto rides lol#like on the one hand i do need that a little bit or i definitely wont do it but on the other. being forced onto comet as a child was#slightly traumatizing and definitely marked my turn from wanting to ride all the coasters to jot wanting to ride anything#to my parents credit on that one they do recognize it as a mistake and were sorry about it like immediately so i dont hold it against them#but also dont. force ur children to ride coasters lol. but i do need to go spend a day at hershey just forcing myself to ride great bear#over and over. fav coaster best coaster. its so fucking loud. its shaped so good. pretty color scheme. its constellation themed#i do love and am obsessed with how hershey packs all those tracks together like that it looks so cool i love to see it#candymonium right at the entrance like that is Extremely distracting very immediately
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im so tired so tired and im bored and i need some easy reward chemical for my stupid brain but i dont know where to get it
#i want to do something that matters but doesn't matter something that requires no effort but engages me something that has#long-lasting consequences but will also change nothing i want something that changes me but doesn't affect me at all#i want to feel things but i dont want to despair but no matter if i can feel things or not i despair anyway#ive been putting off sending an important email for a week and a half and just the thought of trying to put my thoughts in order#terrifies me#i want to read fic because i like it but i know that when i do i will only feel like im wasting time#i want to finish that drawing i was doing of my body horror dream i want to finish drawing my oc i want to finish the gifts for people#that are years late i want to send that fucking email#i want. to be able to do things again.#but i can't. i can't do anything but sit here and feel awful about everything.#i can't take care of myself i can't make myself feel any better i can't do anything that helps me im just. stuck here.#and nothing is real nothing feels real nothing feels like it matters nothing seems to be making a change#and i. i know the only cure for this is time. and rest.#but i can't rest.#i can't do anything but sit here and try to forget how miserable i am#im tired of pretending im ok. im tired of pretending im getting better.#im tired of pretending im doing okay so i won't blame myself for not fixing me.#im tired of pretending i have hope because GOOD sick people have hope.#im tired of the consequences of my inaction catching up to me then i have to deal with that when i couldnt deal with their cause in the#first place#i have so many tabs open and its slowing down my computer and phone. but i can't bring myself to go through them and finish my business#with them so i can close them.#im tired of my room getting dirtier and dirtier and nothing is organized properly and my sheets are falling off my bed but i can't remake i#im tired. im tired.#lassie vents#vent
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i tried an energy drink today to see if it would do anything and. well. it didn't. it made me fucking tired is all. and now i'm mad that i'm tired, bc i have a paper to do and i STILL CAN'T FOCUS ENOUGH TO DO IT
#screams cries rends clothes etc#like. jokes aside i need to write this goddamn paper. its not due Soon but it has to be started bc im working this week and the next#and i know that fucks w my ability to do school work real bad#i was kind of hoping the caffeine either wouldnt do anything or would actually make it easier to focus. nope. just tired#levi.txt#just. i only have 2wks left to school. this is my only paper#its ALWAYS a struggle to do things at the end of the semester anyway but this worries me#bc while this semester has been rough bc im so off my game#im just. terrified for next semester. when im taking 4 english courses at once#i dont know how im gonna do it. im petrified ill go and nuke my gpa bc all that work is gonna be nigh impossible to manage#i dont know why i let myself get talked into doing honours i am not good enough at school to do honours like this#not that im not smart enough! i think i am!#but i cannot focus enough to do this. and i cant get any help
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its really funny that most of my fic writing is aus but my fic reading habits are *relatively* strict in canon/canon divergence stories.
(all authors who write wonderful stories with miles long paragraphs citing every reference we love you we see you we value you we appreciate you)
(all authors who write au in coffee shops or royalty or fucking grocery stores or any other outlandish settings that deviate from the established norm we love you we see you we value you we appreciate you)
#i think its cuz im intimidated by how exact everything needs to be fit canon#not even taking plot wise but character wise#have i spent the better part of 8 years with these characters intimately getting to know them and their personalities? yes#but the thought of fucking it up terrifies me in a way it doesnt with aus?#cuz my thought processes with crafting aus is hmmm how would this transpire i jus plucked u here n u put u in here wit the same personality#what would happen?#so no matter what im still strictly studying personality for the fic regardless#my brain is weird#d's speaks#and i know what u might be thinkin ... dana why dont u jus writer a regular book then?#i dont want to#hope that helps#ask me to deep dive into comics :) ask me to deep dive into some bitches :(
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i may be perpetually gaslighting myself, and also letting negativity take over, but. uhhhhhh. maybe life is also sometimes genuinely hard and i have actual struggles with that. like yes, improving the physical conditions around me (getting out of bed, eating, leaving my house) would definitely help with the mental health but also I have Reason to hide from reality at this moment.
The Issue is mostly that I'll always have a reason to hide from reality. And it will always be hard. And I'll always have to continue to do things. Certainly having a volunteer job would help a lot of this. Do you know how scary and confronting it is to face the implications of doing volunteer work on the other hand? And yes I've just got to get out of my head and go and do something, but I can't quite turn my head off and just go do the thing. It feels stupid turning in this endless loop of "here's another thing i need to do to improve my conditions" without ever being able to acknowledge or see an improvement in my conditions. not because they don't happen, but because they're hard to see. they're nuanced. I'm having to trade things instead of making net gains.
#personal#it sucks because. i know exercising regularly would help. but of course there is always some sort of issue in that process.#body feels like shit from treating it badly and also gaining weight. im constantly fluctuating and never satisfied.#because im in pain and everything around me kinda fucking sucks and my future is terrifying#and for once. what do i have to look forward to. what hope do i have. for a job for a life for love.#feeling a wee bit desolate in this moment weehee
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i cant even sleep. this is bad. just caught up in my own thoughts.
#the fault was mine. this all happened because of my actions and no one elses.#the cause and the effect of ones actions#i dont even want to die. i just want a life i truly want to live.#so why did i say i was? people fucking care about me and people love me and are willing to help me when i need it so why did i think in the#time that i wanted to die? i didnt want to. i was just tired and miserable and confused. having a moment. not a good moment.#i kept telling them no intent no plan and they believed me only after 2 weeks. i overhear what they say when i leave that room.#was that the best for me?? i wasnt happy. my mental health stayed the same. except i had no one to tell this time. just myself. maybe a#friend there but everyone has their own issues.#if i could make a wish i wouldve wished i never said that. i wouldve wished this wasnt the consequence i wish this wasnt what my life is now#this is *exactly* what i feared if i expressed these feelings#and now life still feels like hell. even when im home.#congratulations me. you fucked up major.#and now you have to adjust to your normal life again. forget this part that happened because it wasnt supposed to.#and now everybody knows my thoughts. this is all i feared.#this is absolutely terrifying. im so scared even still.#but this is better for me??? i fucking hope it is.
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Excerpt from Bechdel's Fun Home, page 214
This is Alison Bechdel’s coming out story as featured on the Oberlin College website.
#i hope its okay to add this#this excerpt makes me emotional every fucking time#especially the double meaning of being scared of lesbian identity AND sex#if i had read that book and looked at that page during my teen years im convinced i wouldnt have been absolutely terrified of sex#maybe just a little less terrified bc i was so scared of lesbian sex + everyone felt predatory until i met my partner#hey lesbian sex can be safe loving and exciting and its not this huge terrifying beast#and fun home really helped w that shift in some weird way
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