#i will be fine but i hate that my brain gets like this!!! i would like to be normal in this regard
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And that’s that for Veilguard. Got all the achievements and got the four main possible endings (didn’t bother with the bad ending where you do none of the side quests, everyone dies, and you end up trapped in the Fade forever with Solas).
My four Rooks:
Female Shadow Dragon elf mage - saved Minrathous - romanced Harding - punched Solas in the face
Female Antivan Crow human rogue - saved Treviso - romanced Lucanis - tricked Solas into using the fake dagger
Male Grey Warden dwarf warrior (this was originally going be a Qunari, but I couldn’t get over the yassified look of all the qunari I tried to make and I gave up) - saved Treviso - romanced Davrin (meant to romance Bellara and lol welp, that didn’t happen) - big softie who sent Solas into the Fade with the Inquisitor
Male Mourn Watch elf mage - saved Minrathous - romanced Emmrich (meant to romance Bellara or Neve and lol welp, that didn’t happen) - told the Inquisitor she could do better and made Solas go off into the Fade alone.
My Mourn Watch one is probably going to be my “canon” run, since I liked it the best (that’s not saying much) of my runs. I went with a life leeching run for him, including using the unique items that made health potions/companion heals not work, and beefed up leeching. Literally the only time I died was when my controller ran out of juice in the middle of a dragon fight. The Elgar’nan fight was over so fast I was like, “Wait, is that it?” It was like the curb stomp fight in Inquisition with Corypheus before they let you have enemies scale up with you.
And now for my thoughts. And oh boy, do I have a lot of them. Hoo.
I have…so many issues with this game. It is a very good…whatever the gaming equivalent of a popcorn flick is. It’s great if you go in with your brain turned off and enjoy all the shiny. But that’s not what I want in a Dragon Age game. I’ve been replaying DA2 - the game that DATV is basically trying to channel - while playing these, and the difference in writing quality and intricacy of plot and world building could not be more sharp. The first time I played DATV, I thought it was fine. Almost aggressively fine. I had fun with streaming the game and seeing where it went. I loved the reveals with the wolf statues. I had some major issues with the writing being as subtle as a brick to the face at times (more on my thoughts about the dialogue LATER, because oh boy), but it was serviceable. And I genuinely thought Veilguard had been robbed by not being nominated for Art Direction at the Game Awards, because say what you will, the areas are fucking gorgeous. But, even then, I was like, “Yeah, this would not have deserved a GOTY nomination had it gotten one,” and placed it at a 7 or 8 out of 10. A good enough, enjoyable game that ran well, but was not by any means GOTY material.
Then I made the mistake of playing it again, and the cracks began to show. By the time I hit the middle of Act 2 of my third run, I was just so done. I hated every time certain companions had anything to say at all. I hated that you couldn’t call people out for being a jerk but had to be the supportive nursery school teacher at all times to them. And for the first time playing any BioWare game at all, I found myself wishing I could either not recruit certain people or kick them out of camp. The cracks were beyond showing at that point, and I no longer thought the writing was even “serviceable.” Things that hadn’t seemed so bad on that first popcorn flick run suddenly became a problem - not being able to actually talk to your companions to get to know them went from “it feels more natural to have them saying this stuff while out in the field” to “what is even the point of going around the Lighthouse if all it gets me is a line spoken at me or overhearing bits of them having ACTUAL conversations?” It legitimately hurt replayability. I missed being able to actually talk to my companions, and I realized I cared more about Manfred and Assan than most of my companions because Manfred and Assan actually seemed to like interacting with me. I will take Manfred’s rock-paper-scissors game over a “hey Rook” and dead-eyed stare.
By the time I hit late act 2, I couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could delete the damn game off my hard drive…only for the last achievement I had yet to get to NOT pop when I finished the game. I looked it up and discovered it wasn’t set by triggering a certain end state, but was tied to picking some flowers in Act 2, and wanted to cry. I don’t usually 100% games, especially if I feel like some of the achievements are bullshit I don’t want to do (‘sup, MELE needing you to do some Armax Arena Spectre-level fight - I would sooner chew off my own arm than do that, as anyone who watched me stream Veilguard would have guessed watching me kvetching the whole time I was doing that Hall of Valor shit), but that was just frustrating. I decided to try to get it on a fresh run as a Mourn Watcher, since I’d heard that was one of the surprisingly good faction backgrounds, and that was a good choice. Mourn Watch became my favorite faction, when it had been Shadow Dragons until then. It added so much to a lot more conversations than I would have thought, and made it so I actually enjoyed the sadly few times you get to actually have conversations instead of eavesdropping/being talked at. I’m glad I decided to slog through one more time for that achievement, because if I’d ended it on that third run, I know I would have never played it again. It turned back into a popcorn movie again, aided by me knowing when to put on a YouTube video and watch or scroll through Bluesky instead of listening to a certain character be the fucking worst. If I ever play again, it’ll be a Mourn Watcher (I already know the Veil Jumpers and Lords of Fortune are considered, shall we say, lackluster background factions.)
Which brings me to some of the big, fundamental problems this game had.
This is not a CRPG. It’s just not. It’s an action RPG now, with the focus on “action” not “RPG.” It’s part of the whole Mass Effect-ification of Dragon Age. And I say this as a huge Mass Effect fan:
Dragon Age should not be like Mass Effect. And vice versa.
When Andromeda came out, they decided to ditch the Paragon/Renegade system, and instead went for DAI-style emotion-based options. Which seems great! More speech choices to make a more nuanced Ryder instead of picking up or down! Great! Only no! A lot of people hated it because it didn’t feel like Mass Effect. They had taken away something that had seemed like a major part of how you roll played in the series, and replaced it something very different. It was the first time they took a mechanic from one game and ported it into another, and it didn’t really go over well with a lot of ME fans because it didn’t feel like a Mass Effect mechanic.
And now with Veilguard, they basically made a Mass Effect game with a Dragon Age skin on it. And it just doesn’t work.
Combat: They copied the combat wheel from Mass Effect, but did it kind of badly. I honestly hated it because I tried to play like I do in Mass Effect - pull it up, use it to look around and get a handle on my environment, then pick an enemy or a safe space to bolt to - and the camera snapping the enemies meant I couldn’t. It drove me crazy because it was like the Mass Effect wheel but fundamentally not, and the camera drove me mad because I’d pull it up trying to find where the nearest blight boil was, and it would snap on enemies instead of just letting me look. It’s like they wanted to get rid of every little bit of tactical game play and replace with smashy smashy bang bang instead. Don’t think, don’t plan, just attack…which fits in with the popcorn flick-ness of DATV. Don’t think, just do. Turn your brain off and look at the particle effects.
Another Mass Effect-ification with regards to combat is dropping from taking 3 companions to 2. Which you need to do to have that Mass Effect style combat wheel, and the Mass Effect 3/Andromeda style primer/detonation style interaction of companion powers. It was very satisfying, but not very Dragon Age-y, and requires throwing out some of that DA lore to make it work, because now everyone uses magic-based abilities even if they aren’t mages. Assan attacks deal fire damage. You can spec a warrior who calls up a giant lightning hammer to twirl around, and…how? That’s not enchantment, that’s plain ol’ magic, and how?! Warriors didn’t deal magic-based attacks uncles their weapons where enchanted before, but now, everyone is just tossing magic attacks at everything. That’s not how the world of Thedas has worked until now, but you can’t have those flashy explosions or particle effects otherwise, so shhh, turn off your brain and don’t think, shhh. Look at the screen light up and the pretty lights. It worked in Mass Effect because they had already set up tech and biotic attacks, but there’s no way to make hitting something hard with a sword cause it to blow up and damage all the other baddies around them, so now everyone has magic. OK.
As an aside, it was also a really bad idea of get rid of how aggro worked. Dragon Age had always worked by warriors drawing aggro because they had the heavier armor (or could use taunt on enemies targeting squishy mages or rogues). Rogues had lower aggro because they had lighter armor, and could sneak. Mages had even lower aggro because they had the lightest armor and were distance fighters. DATV threw that out the window, and Rook draws all aggro because they are the only ones with a health bar. Your squad is immortal in fights, which means there’s no reason for enemies to ever target them. Which means god help you early game when mages and rogues have no real skills yet. Enjoy dodging while your companions hit the enemies with what seems like attacks as powerful as spitballs. It also means that there are times what the game tells you and the fight you just seem are completely at odds. Remember that fight with the Wrath of the Stone in Harding’s companion quest? That thing is on your ass the entire time, but then at the end of it, Rook says something along the lines of “It really hates Harding,” and…are you gaslighting me, game? That thing ignored Harding the whole damn time in favor of trying to stomp me like a cockroach. Harding did not exist to it during my fight. It had a hate boner for Rook and Rook alone, no matter what the game tried to insist on after.
Now, imagine how that would have felt if Harding actually could have been killed/knocked out during the fight, and it was only going after her? What if you couldn’t damage it if it took her down, so you had to make sure she stayed alive? Imagine how different that fight would have hit then? But no, that would mean the devs have to think about how to rez characters and how healing would work, and would mean players have to be tactical, and shh, no, no more of that, no thinking, just dodge and hit things and look at the particle effects. Shh. Have some more popcorn.
Story: DATV wants so badly to be ME2. It wants to recall the big suicide mission where you have to have everyone ready or you’ll all die. But you can’t copy what you did before and get the same flowers and results. You just can’t. You can try, and all you’ll get is diminishing returns. They tried to do the big cosmic horror of ME1, complete with a Virmire choice, then have the big final stakes of ME2, and no. You can’t follow a template and get the same greatness. That’s not how it works.
And speaking of following templates…
Romances: The romances in Veilguard are just dismal. And I think it’s because they decided to follow the Mass Effect pacing formula instead of the Dragon Age one.
Dragon Age: You start flirting in Act 1. You usually flirt with everyone because hey, why not? Some time in Act 2, things start getting serious, and you have to settle on who you want to go for. Things start to get serious, you get together, and then you get happy fun adult time with your new LI. You get the option to break it off or commit to them fully. By Act 3, you’re in a committed relationship. People comment about it. You can go to them and spend time with them - nothing major, maybe just a kiss. There might also be a special scene that’s just with them and unique to the romance. And by the end, after the lengthy amount of time that’s passed, you are Together.
Mass Effect: You start flirting in Act 1. You usually flirt with everyone because hey, why not? In Act 2, you keep on flirting with everyone. By the end, you might have to make a choice if you’re flirting too hard with everyone and the two LI options tell you to pick someone already, but you’re just picking who you’re interested in. Early in Act 3, there might be an almost kiss, but it’s mostly just the occasional anticipation of eventually boning and nothing really happens until right before the final big fight, when your LI shows up to your cabin for “oh shit, we might die in a few hours, so let’s go out with a high note” happy fun adult time. The only time you get that “committed relationship” vibes is in ME3 if you’re romanced the same character for at least one other game, and you choose to continue the relationship.
The Mass Effect pacing works in the Mass Effect trilogy because each game is only 20-40 hours long. Veilguard is a good 80 hours long. That means using that same amount of romance you use in ME is going to mean you’ve got too little butter to spread over too much bread. It’s why you have a good start for the romances in Act 1, then act 2 is a such a desert of nothing after you commit that I genuinely wondered if I’d hit the wrong option at said no at several points during the very long third act. There’s not just enough content for that long of an Act 2. Near the end everyone starts commenting on you being with them, but it’s not actually happening in the game. There’s no flirting, there are no extra scenes, and even the scene when you commit to them is based on a scene that happens with everyone, just with a romance option tacked on. The only person (of the ones I romanced, so I can’t speak to the others) who really get unique scenes was Emmerich. He actually takes you out on a unique date. It helped a lot to make Emmerich’s romance feel more fleshed out than the others. And Davrin had so many little jaunts out in the woods that those turned into romantic trips out, which added a lot to his. But Lucanis’ and Hardings? With both of them, like I said before, I genuinely wondered if I had accidentally opted out. Their romances most used the Mass Effect format, and it just doesn’t work for a game this long. BioWare knew that once, long ago, because Andromeda did not use the ME trilogy format for romances and was closer to one they used in DA. But DATV is trying to be ME2, so they used ME2’s very thin romances as a guide.
And we can all see how well that turned out.
The Executors: Fuck me, they feel like Cerberus reskinned, and I absolutely hated when Mass Effect shifted from sci-fi/Lovecraftian horror to space opera with Cerberus as the main bad guys you have to fight with the Reapers functionally falling to the background. The Executors are a secret, shadowy organization pulling strings from behind the scenes like the Shadow Broker codexes in ME2 retconned Cerberus into having been doing in ME. Ugh.
The Andromeda-ification of dialogue: Remember Peebee? Remember how she talked? Give her long hair and pointy ears, and she’s Bellara. Down even to the techno-babble. It’s like they’re trying to change magic to just “sufficiently advanced technology.” Everyone speaks in that modern, quippy style that was annoying in a game set hundreds of years in the future because it felt dated by the time the game came out (Ryder makes a Frozen joke, y’all). And it feels completely out of place in a game set in an early modern setting (I don’t think DA is medieval, honestly - it’s more a pre-industrialization/early scientific revoltution setting, so more 1500-1700s, and I’m gonna stop now). It was jarring. You can only let one quirky character break the rules about how people talk (Alistair in DAO, Varric in DA2, Cole in DAI) but when everyone does, it’s jarring. You can be anachronistic, but you have to know what you’re doing and how to do it when you do, and I’m sorry, but the current crop of BioWare writers don’t. They wrote the dialogue like it was a modern day YA novel, not a Dragon Age game. It would have been fine for a modern day urban fantasy game. It was not fine for a DA game set in the same time period as people using the four humours for “modern” medicine (remember the surgeon in DAI? Talked about the four humours? Yeah.)
OK, I did not intend to go on for this long, and I haven’t even gotten to what the game did to how religion is handled or the sociopolitical aspects of Thedas, and how they threw out so much that made Dragon Age unique in their urge to do a soft reboot, so I’m just going to end it here. I wanted to love this game, and I can only do that if I turn my brain off, and that’s not what Dragon Age should be.
#veilguard spoilers#dragon age veilguard#datv critical#veilguard critical#the Mass Effectification of Dragon Age
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i am sorry for what i will write here. it will probably sound desperate. (and i will make mistakes because english is not my first language, i apologize for that)
my mental diet keeps being so bad. i live in toxic household and obviously i'm manifesting getting out of here+getting a lot of money.
i try so much to not pay attention to the 3d but it's just...i honestly don't know how much longer i can handle. not only my mental health is deeply affected, honestly i feel stressed and i feel like i am in danger all the time, but also my mental diet is so affected (what's worse because my manifestations are something that can get me out of here)
maybe you have some tips for me? anything will be deeply appreciated i promise. i feel so stressed, every second is living hell (i love christmas so much but i also hate holidays because my parents will be at home almost all the time during next 3 weeks, i am sorry for sounding so desperate but it feels like my brain can't even think properly because of being so stressed)
thank you so so so much for anything you will say, i appreciate any advice.
merry christmas :)
I'm going to be harsh, I hope you understand that, but I'm not doing it to be a bitch, I'm doing it because it clicks easier.
Stop being a victim to your external world. I am sorry, that you are going through this, but you do realize that you create everything, right? At the end of the day, yes, you didn't know at the time and that's fine but you know now. The external world is just showing you your old assumptions. So pause for a moment.
Re-read what you've said there, this is all of your assumptions on your situation. "I can't even think properly because of being so stressed" and "I feel like I am in danger all the time." If you want your desires, listen to me. REPEAT. Repetition is SO good for when you're manifesting especially when starting out (in my opinion.) So saturate, but don't waver. Don't let the external world get to you, you don't have to ignore it but you mustn't let it get to you. I know it can be really hard, but the only reason why it is, is because that's your assumption. So pull through I know you can do it.
You're allowed to feel by the way, but that shouldn't affect your way of thinking. Affirming is just thinking, so use that to your advantage, you can affirm while crying, whilst being stressed, just keep going. You're living your dream life right now, simple. It's done, you just have to remind yourself, tell yourself, that it is done.
I would suggest looking at Indigo Detry and Taylor Tookes' channel. They were helpful for me during times like this and I think they'll benefit you too.
Good luck, I know things will get better for you. You've got this.
#loablr#law of assumption#loassumption#manifestation#loa blog#loa tumblr#manifesting#shifting realities#shifting#the void state#shifting community#shifting blog#reality shifting#desired reality#shifting motivation#shifters#loa advice#loa#loassblog#loass#neville goddard#master manifestor#affirmations#self concept#law of attraction#how to manifest#dream life#noxpost#anon ask
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Every time I remember that the most popular jjk ship is gojo x yuji it disturbs me…
it makes me wanna run people over w a truck like i genuinely don’t understand and you caught me at a time where i feel like ranting so please excuse me but like . i get sooooooo annoyed when people say they’re proship like??? i personally don’t conflate proship & dark content together bc i feel like some people who say they’re proshippers do it in an anti-censorship way which is so ??? like most aren’t for censorship like people are fine w dark content like including murder or stuff of that nature but at least w people around me when we say we hate proship it’s the incest/rape/pedophilia stuff… and from that… why would you EVER wanna align yourself w pedophiles/people who are fine with pedophilia??? it makes no sense to me. some people are just SOOOOOOO obsessed w making everything sexual like nothing is safe. not even the IDEA of children!!!!!! pisses me the FUCK off!!!!!! just ship the adults w the adults there’s a hundred adults why the FUCK does your dumbass want to see that adult rape a child. makes me so fucking pissed off beyond belief. it’s also like…….. why does it make Y’ALL pissed off when people say it’s gross/that it’s fucked up 😭 like if you say you agree and you don’t condone this shit IRL then don’t be mad when people call it out. be glad people will call this shit out when you won’t lmfao
edit: had to add this on bc talking to logan i realized that fiction actually does affect some people’s realities bc i’ve heard proshippers say that they used to find pro-shipping disgusting but then they got into it and changed their minds… so you’re telling me… fiction… changed… your outlook… and therefore now you’re fine w the pedo stuff. that’s craaaaaaaaazy . join a support group y’all have enough people i’m SURE to pay for a therapy session
#asks#anon#this is just a mini rant but yeah agreed w your anon it’s disturbing as FAWK#also i’ve always been annoyed w batfam shippers too bc this was ESPECIALLY prevalent then#but w that it was a lot of incest too and it’s like . do y’all not see as adopted children as REAL family members???#people said it’s fine bc they aren’t related and it’s like#do you hear yourselves#do you think stepchildren aren’t still children of the adult???#it’s with a lot of x reader Shit too and it’s like . do you like the ‘taboo’#or is it more of like: you’re way younger than your fictional crush & you just wanna call him daddy#like you can do that without being related you Know that right#anyways . praying on every proshippers downfall#just rotted brain and rotted takes. bunch of dumb bitches saying ‘yesssssss’ to each other#anyways. shoutout logan & kit & my old batfam moots we would pray on proshippers downfall every other tuesday 😭#fighting in the trenches but SOMEBODY has to do it!#i implore everyone else to also get a backbone and don’t be scared of ‘ruffling feathers’#like hating proshippers is the majority of people . don’t be fooled by your little tumblr/twt circles#also yes their victim complexes goes BONKERS.#like logan said someone talking abt your niche fanfic online being weird as fuck isn’t censhorship 😭 stop acting oppressed & marginalized#*censorship#just SILLY
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I see in my mind's eyes green and red having some conflict early on because red really likes physical closeness and touch but green has a lot of compulsions/intrusive thoughts about being clean/cross contamination. Which unfortunately are usually a little valid when it comes to red considering reds complete lack of concern for those things. At least as children.
#when theyre older red understands and makes sure to wash his hands before getting all touchy#but ik as kids hed go from playing in rhe dirt to immediately trying to hold greens hand and green is aghast#greens ass was not camping on his championship journey#prize money spent on hotels. i know it.#green js akso accomidating in her own way thkugu. when they were young he hated how close red would get and would shove him away sometimes#but now she has more control over the whole “my brain is tellijg me everythng is dirty” thing and he can indulge in some giving of affection#cbt can save green. and love. both can save her#she went through a lot emotionally when she initially realized red lived on a mountain with no running water#i like to think they hugged anyways after talking. even if green did feel a little insane after when he realized#how long it had been since red last showered properly. its fine.#tfw ur navigatikg the complicated friendship turned rivlary turned “im goikg to live on a mountain” turned friendhsip ahain#but also both copimg a liyyle cause ome of u has been touch starved for the last 5+ years and the other js fighting autism demons#reguri#i hsge so many thoughts.
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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literally what a day i am still shaking
#i didn’t realize how scary it would be to teach for the first time😭#like i feel like my social anxiety has gotten so much better over the last few years but this was like.#social anxiety on Crack#i did do really well like i think you’d barely even be able to tell i was nervous#just bc when i’m scared i kind of disassociate and go on auto-pilot so i usually seem fine#but like. i have been replaying every second of it in my brain all day nitpicking for places i messed up#and this one guy made a Comment when i walked in which did not help#genuinely overall it went so well and everyone was so nice#but still. SCARY😭#luckily (?) i will be teaching 4 days a week for the next 2 years.#so i will have plenty of time to get used to it lmao#it’s weird bc i tutor so often but turns out small groups of Children online#is very different than a full class of 18-19 year olds😭#anyway. hopefully i will get Less nervous bc i would hate to feel like this every day
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anybody remember the stephanie brown essay I was working on under a research grant fully last summer? yeah it’s not done yet it super needs to be done and I’ve been avoiding working on it for weeks. someone tell me to just do it already
#the problem is. actually there are several problems#1) I’ve been out of the Batman/dc comics phase for almost a year so I don’t care that much about the topic#2) I am fifteen pages in and have not touched it in months so I’ve completely lost my train of thought#3) I can’t just reread it because I hate first five pages or so and I know I need to change it but I was trying to finish before editing#so now my only solution is I need to open up a new doc and completely restructure the whole thing by splicing together the existing writing#so that I can figure out where the hell im going with this and make sure things fit together better#unfortunately that sounds fucking exhausting#but I told my mentor I would have an update for him by the end of the week and. well. it’s the end of the week#I have to present it in April. I have to write and submit an abstract in March#the school gave me $1500 for this stupid essay and if I don’t have anything to show for myself.#well. I don’t know they can’t take the money BACK but it’s not a good look#and also I would feel bad#I did the research!!! i interviewed comic writers even!!! I just haven’t finished WRITING IT DOWN#and I KNOOOOWW once I get started it’ll be fine once I’m going I’m going#but STARTING is hard because I feel like I have to finish it in one go which makes it so huge and daunting#I’m like. slamming my head into a wall. just write a couple sentences Jess something is better than nothing#just start it you don’t have to finish just START just MAKE the new DOC#I know!!!!! that is what my therapist would say!!!! Jess you’re trying to oneshot it bc of your dumb adhd brain!!!!#stop looking at it like that and making it scarier!!!#but even tho I know that logically I’m still like oh I should put away the dishes o should make bread#I should work on my six different art pieces I should do laundry i should play with the puppy I should go for a walk I sh
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Hi. New ✨Pinned Post✨
• MINORS. DO NOT MESSAGE ME. NO DMS. NO INBOX MESSAGES. NO. I am not checking my activity and Every note to see if minors are interacting w my stuff but i WILL check if u directly try to contact me. I WILL block you. Please dont do that to me 😭 Likes/Reblogs are fine, just dont talk to me Directly please.
• This blog will have ns//fw stuff! Suggestive and Explicit! Please block [spicy hot], [suggestive] and [saucy] to avoid seeing these posts! Make sure to remove the brackets! (Gonna be changing [spicy hot] to [saucy] very soon so I am adding that in there as well)
• No, I do not want you to dub any of my art. Oh my god. Oh my god ! I cannot stop you but I do not want anything ive done dubbed and placed anywhere on the internet. Do not show me if u do this. Do not show me if u saw it on youtube or tiktok or whatever! I am existing with Blinders on and i would prefer to keep it that way!
• I dont rp! Please do not send me rp asks and dms ! I will NOT respond to them!
• Not important but if u see Dissociativekitten in ur activity, thats me :)
OKAY thats it for real bye
#me reviewing this:#man this shit is still too long 😭#i had something else i wanted to add but i cant remember#eventually ill get to a point where i just list shit down and wont explain myself#actual Proper bulletpoints#anyway im doing this bc im going to be posting shit here and i wanna warn the like#[REDACTED] new followers ive gotten since my last pinned post#and no one reads that shit willingly so im putting it on ya dash#OH I REMEMBER. ITS THE SHIP STUFF#im going to add that hold on#actually. no…#i feel like the fandom has been alive long enough that people expect that shi#*shit…#so funny. i went to correct it and i wrote *this…#like my hands are working too fast for my brain#i guess i could add that i dont bother w ship hate; something i did not think i would experience in the funney pizza game#so like u will just see any and all ships here. ill tag it for my own convenience#but if ur like ‘dni if u ship[perfectly fine and funny ship]’ then maybe u dont want to follow me LMAO#okay thats it bye mwah
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Just when I think the day's going well, I crash a golf cart
#summer camp tag#ace is a mess#i do not have a drivers license and i havent even been behind the wheel in like 4 years since i stopped lessons cus of the pandemic#the day was going fine i got loads done didnt feel like i was irritating my director too bad#doing some paperwork for her and she says when im done well take the golf cart out while its not currently raining#im like ooh fun never been in a golf cart before i see the higher up staff in them im not gonna say no to chilling in a golf cart#i did not realise that meant i would be driving esp when she asked if id been in one before and i said no#she then asked if i could drive and i said not really thought that would be it#cus i was supposed to be studying for my theory before working towards my practical#but no she insists im driving and first off i gotta reverse outta this bay now at least i didnt have to think about gears#but i hate tryna figure out how to turn whilst in reverse in mess with my brain im not great with shape visualisation#we do all our stops its fine for the most part a lil too fast going down some of the hills#and some tight turns but my turns were always like that cus im too busy focusing on the most immediate thing#we get back i park fine and then shes like oh actually there are some more stops we can make so i reverse and turn back out#do our two stops with only minimal confusion about direction then as i go to park into the bay we came from#shes like oh actually park in the bay closest to the health centre and what i should have done was reversed and adjusted my angle#instead i drove directly into the supporting beam separating the two bays 🙃😭#i immediately turn the cart off and expect her to switch with me instead shes like laughing it off oh it was just a little bump it was fine#im like it was not that was a loud ass bang i feel so bad and then she lifts up the light cover i broke off saying its just a scratch#and i feel worse so pf course thats when the camp director comes out to check on the noise and i dont think ive ever worn a guiltier look#but theyre both laughing it off oh just having a little driving lesson :) and i am mortified#she gets back in the cart and shes still insisting that its fine and i should still park after that which i do with great trepidation#but there are no more problems and the lights still work but the cover does need fixing and i just oh my god#ive never crashed before never clipped or scratched a car so of course id crash the golf cart trying to park of all things 😭
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jag leaving cory a sweet goodbye message and tearing up over his eviction is the sappy ending i wanted from the inevitable cory vs. jag war regardless of who took the shot first, so i will be taking that one win tonight.
#bb25#now i would have loved for us to get there without the excessive vitriol of the past couple days but!#anyway. he's gotta go but as soon as he's out i will be rooting for my unreliables friendship throuple sawry.#jag has a missing spine and his brain has been cooked by the house but i do not believe he's some soulless monster they'll be fine lol.#this fandom loves saying 'nobody is gonna talk post-show everyone is gonna HATE each other' every season.#cory's mother has already liked tweets saying they dgaf and are not gonna resent jag/his family for this let's be frrrr.
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i finished “all the young dudes”. brb gonna drown myself in my tears
(spoilers in the tags)
#NO BUT GRANT MADE ME SO SAD AT THE END#WHEN REMUS WAS TELLING HIM ABOUT CALYPSO I WAS LIKE “UH HUH :) YEAH :)) THIS IS FINE :)))”#AND THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW WHAT REMUS IS GONNA GO THRU A YEAR LATER#DOES IT EVEN COUNT AS A HAPPY ENDING IF YOU KNOW THAT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS SAD???#AND WHEN REMUS WAS SAYING HE WOULD STAY W THE WEREWOLVES A BIT LONGER#MY BRAIN WAS LIKE “BABY WE’RE GETTING A LIL TOO CLOSE TO HALLOWEEN FOR COMFORT HERE—”#BCZ I REMEMBER THAT IT HAPPENS IN HALLOWEEN#AND THEN ITS PAST HALLOWEEN AND MARY HITS US WITH THE#“remus… something awful has happened.”#SHOOT ME WHY DONT YOU#FUCKING KILL ME OH MY GOD#I CRIED OVER JAMES AND LILY WHAT#THEY WERE SO FULL OF LIFE THEY SHOULDNT HAVE DIED ITS NOT FAIR#AND DONT GET ME FUCKING STARTED ON REGULUS#HE WAS THERE AND THEN SUDDENLY HE WASNT#I HATE IT#THIS FIC OWNS MY SOUL NOW#hp marauders#marauders#marauders fanfiction#marauders fic#marauders fanfic#the marauders#all the young dudes#atyd marauders#atyd#atyd fandom#atyd remus#atyd sirius
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argggghhhhhhhuuuhhhhhhhggghhhh
#rant#predicament: if i never became obsessed with nicole rafee i would have never heard her talk about ocd and then i would have never been like#oh shit i might have ocd and let that seep into every crack in my brain and now it controls my every thought#like all my thoughts were going through a perspective warp sieve and everything everyone's ever said to me like i was already over analyzing#everything but now the idea that that's a problem that doesn't have to be a problem has messed me up man like i think i'm having ocd about#ocd and it's not fun man but it's chill ig i hate it here i wish i didn't enjoy her content so much and that i wasn't obsessed with her#godddddd#new year's resolution: i don't have ocd and i am a new person who's carefree and fun loving#daily affirmation: i don't have ocd x10 every morning in the mirror#i will manifest the anxiety away and be a messier person who doesn't even care about authority one bit#like pshhhh idek that i have no control over my roommate situation pshahhhh dude like whateverrr be messy in the kitchen it's not like i#care if we get a roach infestation 🤪 peace and love man#i'm a sane and not paranoid person i am normal about every situation ever and it's awesome#i am not loosing sleep over maybe having a different cancer every night bc that's something a crazy person would do#but also i low key think i had / have covid since like last tuesday but subtly and slightly#i wish i would stop researching things i don't want to research anymore (looking up everything about ocd on ever website created since awol)#it's cool though it's all groove and fine but i would rather invest this time in synthia synthia but it's cool and whatev#this is my secret diary bc journaling has only ever made me feel worse#i can do scary drawings that allude to my mental state but writing about it depresses me to the point of sobs and it's literally not that#deep man like it's just anxiety and people deal with that everyday i just gotta get over it too like them#like normal man jim and his wife betty i gotta through more tupperware parties#merry christmas 🎠
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#not that this matters but i need to get it out somewhere lol#i hate when it's getting bad again and i can feel it#but a strange part of me craves it#like yeah i stopped eating#and i can acknowledge that's a problem#but the other part of my brain is like well you needed to lose weight anyway#and i can't shower#that would require moving#getting out of bed#all i want to do is sleep#but i avoid sleep bc i know i won't be able to get back up#but then there's this part of me like yeah#this is a good thing somehow#sometimes I'm fine#then i realize i have free will and could just walk away well pay midnight and see what happens#but i don't#i stop at the park and go home at 11 before the street lights go off#bc i have too much to do to walk into traffic#tonight at least
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my body doesn’t Hate me, per se. It just Loves being an annoying little shit
#my post#i feel a little bad about complaining about it sometimes#because it’s not like i have super serious afflictions#and we’ve gotten some handled through this or that#but. i’ve just got. such an extensive collection of#‘‘bodily things that would be fine individually albeit annoying; but i’ve got all of them so it makes for a frustrating existence’’#subacute eczema. the worst of the bunch. only on my hands but very itchy and still eczema#scapular winging or whatever they call it when you can pop out your scapulas at will.#not very bad at all. the least offensive. just aches sometimes and makes me worry#some tinnitus. a tad annoying. i hear it most when it’s quiet or i’m inside. sometimes it flares but not often. tuning it out isn’t too har#chronic rhinitis. i got some surgery(?) for this one. lotta nose sprays.#my nose is almost always congested and runny and going anywhere without tissues is dangerous.#dry lips. also not altogether that bad it’s just annoying and it gets cracked and sometimes painful to open my mouth too wide ig.#we manage that one well with whatever lip products my sister gave me. it’s not very bad#dandruff? maybe? is it dandruff or just scalp skin? i got no clue man#and you’re like. ‘‘okay you’re right those are all quite annoying. but is it really that bad?’’#and i’m like ‘‘No. but have you Considered that i have to deal with them all at Once?’’#BUT THAT. ISN’T EVEN IT. ‘CAUSE IT’D BE ONE THING IF MY BODY WAS JUST BUILT LIKE THAT. BUT MY BRAIN HATES ME TOO.#BOOM. dermatillomania!! i pick at my acne a little. under my nails. the hard skin under my nails.#my scalp! until it’s itchy and there’s a little bit of blood! i gently pull at my eyelashes a little bit and rub my eyes.#and. get this. dry and flaky bits of skin. GUESS WHERE I HAVE FLAKY BITS OF SKIN. OH THAT’S RIGHT: THE SUBACUTE ECZEMA ON MY HANDS.#it’s better now it really is but i have spent hours picking at it after i’m already all set for bed. 2-3 hrs over a trash can picking at it#‘‘yeah okay that’s bad. but-’’ BOOM. ADHD or at least fidgeting. i fidget most by picking at idk All of the aforementioned.#‘‘oof yeah that does actually suck-’’ BOOM. OCD!!! now that one is the REAL kicker that one fucking hates me#just take all of the above and assume i have some vaguely annoying compulsion tied to it.#and it wouldn’t be so annoying sometimes if it weren’t for the fact that i deal with it all every day kind of#so correction: my body doesn't necessarily hate me it’s just that my body has shaken hands made deals about which exact disorders and bodil#irritations i need to collectively make living incredibly annoying.#thank you for coming to my TED talk. cue the world’s smallest violin or whatever
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#some day I’ll figure out how to ignore getting left out of things#or not invited to things#it’s happened in every friend group I’ve ever been in so you’d think I’d handle it better#but every time my brain is Convinced that it’s a sign my friends don’t want to be around me#like. I know that I am projecting my fears into them#them saying they’re gonna be offline and then socializing with other friends doesn’t mean they hate me#or saying they’re cancelling social stuff this week and then hanging out with other friends#or just not inviting me to stuff#like. it’s fine#I logically get it#but every time! chaos brain comes in with ‘yep see this is further proof that they don’t like you’#ugh#I’m aware it’s a trigger and that’s why my reaction is so strong#but it would be awesome if triggers were easier to fucking deal with
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Ough
#vent post#why can i not. look tbe way i wwnt#starts violently biting adn tearing at the fabrics arounf me#what the.freak!!!#ehy does everything always hurtall the time#tweaking out#gang the demons are getting my ass again#if i suddenly dropped dead that would fix me i think#i feel like such a fucking bitch for being unhappy with my weight because like. idk. is it fatphobic?? ive heard it be called that before#and also other ppl who have similar weights to mine are happy so. why should i not be#i giggle and i laugh and i joke but why am i actuayly like this browgat the freak#alsow hy am i soo fucked in the head#im like “teehee i just got silly as i grew!” HELL NAH. i was a lil fucked in the head as a KID😭😭😭😭😭#i remember going to bed one night and my mom was gonna read a chapter of a book to me and i specifically chose the torture chapter and it#caused a huge argument in the family#and i also drew SO MUCH GORE in elementary school#like girl😭🙏you have never been exposed to this. what is up with u#there are also a bunch of other instances but my vent art back then was also wild. as in more gore#now its just weirdly abstract with bright colors and a lota eyes#lots. lots of eyes.#whwre was i going with this#idk i hate my head. my little fucked up little brain#the way i think is crazy because emotions are usually depicted as scenes or images or feelings(its different than emotion trust)#and theres still blood. theres so much gory shit in my head. like girl get out of there!!! thats not where u belong!!!!!!#and then also the daydreams#ougghh the daydreams....#i hate the daydreams i wabt them to stop so bad but i physically cannot and also they r one of my few sources of comfort ESPECIALLY in#situations i cant get out of or distract myself in any other way#and sometimes its fine but also sometimes they fucking suck and its scary because im not here im THERE and so much shit happens there#lore drop
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