#because im in pain and everything around me kinda fucking sucks and my future is terrifying

[seraphim-soulmate]

i may be perpetually gaslighting myself, and also letting negativity take over, but. uhhhhhh. maybe life is also sometimes genuinely hard and i have actual struggles with that. like yes, improving the physical conditions around me (getting out of bed, eating, leaving my house) would definitely help with the mental health but also I have Reason to hide from reality at this moment.

The Issue is mostly that I'll always have a reason to hide from reality. And it will always be hard. And I'll always have to continue to do things. Certainly having a volunteer job would help a lot of this. Do you know how scary and confronting it is to face the implications of doing volunteer work on the other hand? And yes I've just got to get out of my head and go and do something, but I can't quite turn my head off and just go do the thing. It feels stupid turning in this endless loop of "here's another thing i need to do to improve my conditions" without ever being able to acknowledge or see an improvement in my conditions. not because they don't happen, but because they're hard to see. they're nuanced. I'm having to trade things instead of making net gains.

[nonbinarykai]

Ok since two people asked

Why Lloyd is my least favorite ninja and how I rewrite him

Notes:// you know the rodeo by now, long post so it’s going to be under a read more, and I’m not gonna tag this with Lloyd because of the criticisms I have against his character, if you don’t want to hear Lloyd be critiqued then don’t reas the post

Why I don’t like Lloyd

Maybe it’s because I’m a Kai kinnie or maybe it’s because I have a bias agaisnt the younger sibling but Lloyd has never really been a favorite of mine

He was enjoyable in s1 but after that he kinda lost all personality for me and I stopped enjoying him

I think this is mostly for two reasons:

1. His screen time

2. His “character arcs”

I’ll go ahead and knock out his screentime here because it pretty much speaks for himself

Lloyd takes up so much screentime in the show that it’s actually jarring, he’s the character with the most seasons, having s1-2, s4, s8-11, and finally s14 ((the island special)). Which I think makes lloyds writing flaws all the more noticable

A big reason, albeit a bit of a petty one, for why I don’t like him is because he constant hyjacks other characters plots and makes them about him, this happened with Kai in both s4 and s11

Even if he’s not the main focus of a season, he always has a side plot focusing on him like in s3 and s12

The writers need to include Lloyd in other seasons is making it harder for the other main characters to actually have enough screentime to grow and develop on there own

And as a side effect of this, Lloyd gets to become the most important character in every season he is, taking roles from other characters who needed them

My best example is Cole being leader, he was set up and established as leader in the pilots and s1, and he did pretty good in it! Cole being a leader is a interesting concept that I would have loved to see been developed

But after Lloyd grew up they threw that plot point into the trash so they could have the mystical green ninja be leader even though throughout s1-7 he hardly actually talks to the main cast and him being leader doesn’t add any interesting dynamic like cole and kais rivalry despite Kai being a sort of right hand man to Coles leadership.

And in s1-s7 especially everything literally revolves around Lloyd to the point where his existence is more important than everyone else’s, and everyone’s motivations are to protect him.

Again I understand he is important, he’s the green ninja, but you have to let your other characters grow and develop, Lloyd is not the only main character in your show

Like for fuck sakes I don’t need 3 arcs about Lloyd and his dad, can I finally have another Kai season

Lloyds character arcs honestly kinda suck

Im going to be honest with you

Lloyds kinda an ass

The reason I like jay more then Lloyd even though jay has been way more mean spirited then Lloyd throughout the entire series is because you can atleast make the argument that jay doesn’t know when his jokes can hurt. And the show doesn’t portray jay as in the right, he gets what he deserves for some of the meanier things he says.

The same can’t be said about Lloyd

Lloyd says things to the other ninja that is honestly so mean spirited it’s jarring to hear it from him

Best example being when Lloyd told Kai to get over his shit when Kai was grieving in s4

But what makes it so frustrating is that the show always portrays Lloyd like he’s in the right which is why a lot of his character arcs feel flat or uninteresting

The only time this doesn’t apply is in s2 and in s3, in s2 the show paints Lloyd as being unfair to Misako when he RIGHTFULLY gets mad at her for abandoning him, I’ll get back to this later

The second time in s3 is when he’s traveling with Garmadon and having to be taught to balance his powers, which is actually one part of s3 I really liked, it was nice to see these two bond and have Garmadon teach Lloyd something that wu would other wise not teach him. And it’s a real shame the season cut it short AGAIN

The biggest example of the show making Lloyd seem in the right no matter what is in s4, Lloyds whole arc there was to learn how to view things from a different perspective and appreciate the things others have done for him. And this is would work if the show decided to do the same.

Again back to that scene with Lloyd and Kai in s4, the show treats Lloyd as if he’s in the right and it’s never addressed after this. Even though this is supposed to be the beginning of lloyds arc where he’s supposed to learn to view things from a different perspective

This scene would have worked if

1. The show didn’t paint him in the right for this, either by having Lloyd apologize or having the show acknowledged how it might have hurt Kai

2. If the plot Lloyd has remained a side plot instead of taking up the entire focus

Seriously, s4 could have been the ONE season where you can have a Lloyd side plot thats not forced and yet they fucked it up and made it the entire focus of the season thanks a lot.

To quote what I said in my Nya anayalsis awhile back

“I’m not upset that he has a flaw, just that it’s not recognized as one”

Lloyd would work way better as a character if the show just let him have consequences for his actions

Ever since he grew up and got the green ninja role he’s been treated like he can’t do no wrong which is clearly not true

But since we’re already on this topic

Hurting Lloyd doesn’t make him a good character

I feel like Tommy ((and sometimes the fandom)) really misunderstand what the use of suffering for in a story

There atleast 3 reasons writers make there characters suffer

1. To undergo a arc and realize where they have been wrong or to give a character a lot more depth to expand upon

2. If the story is a fallen hero one and the character suffers because of his Huberius

3. If the story is a tragedy

Ninjago is neither a fallen hero story or a tragedy and his pain doesn’t develop him as a character

A lot of writers don’t understand that suffering isn’t what makes a character good, it’s what pushes them to become good, you can’t just throw a character at the wall and expect them to instantly be a well written fleshed out character

A lot of the suffering Lloyd has to endure is mostly for no reason and it’s really mean spirited because it adds nothing to the plot, it’s just there to hurt him

Let’s bring up s11 as an example, Lloyd didn’t HAVE to fight the ice emperor from a writing standpoint, if anything it should have been kais battle because his lose of power and Zane going evil would have been a perfect reflection of s4 and tie it up after it ended kais character a bit open ended

But no let’s have Lloyd do it instead because haha isn’t trauma COOL and HIP

Now to be clear, I’m not saying that all of your stories have to end on a happy ending or anything like that, if your a writer then your allowed to do whatever you want with your personal writing

What I am saying is that ninjago is an actual SHOW made by PROFESSIONAL writers and they can’t understand the concept of a story structure

And the lack of actually addressing his trauma is really bringing down Lloyd as a character

Because it comes to a point where you understand why Lloyd is sometimes mean or distrustful of other people and it’s frustrating because you know that it’s flaws of him that are never going to be fixed because there writers want there trauma baby

How I would rewrite him

I’ve seen a lot of people suggest Lloyd become a villain in a future season and you know what, I sort of agree

But not in the way you think

I feel like it would be way more compelling if Lloyd was a villain but is still a ninja, instead of Lloyd switching sides, the show is switching perspectives

More or less I want Lloyd to be a reflection of the “true” villain, which is how wu ((and subsequently Lloyd)) put small Victories as more important then the ninjas life, passion, and desire, and how there black and white thinking of good and evil ends up to a lot of problems because there’s a lot of grey area there choosing to ignore

I want Lloyd to start of being loyal to wu’s philosophy and the protagonist, for random example let’s say Kai, sudden turn on these ideas in order to look outside the box to find if there truly is a better way to protect people without harming himself

I want Lloyd to be upset over what he thinks is a turn to the dark side when in reality, it would make his motivations make sense and not make his turn to “villainy” be out of character.

And over the course of the season he starts to realize how wus and subsequently his leadership has hurt the others and himself, and have him reflect on if all the pain they suffer through just to clean up wus mistakes is really worth it like wu says, or if there’s a better way like kai says

As for Lloyds actual character himself, I’d like for his flaws to be more noticeable

Have Lloyd be a gifted kid who gets praise when he doesn’t deserve it but still kinda acts like a brat because he’s still mentally like 10

Have him be a control freak who follows the rules way to strictly and is all serious when they have to do missions

Have his idealization of wu be realized and critiqued because honestly wu sucks ass

Would this make his character less like able? Maybe, but then he’d actually have depth and something to improve on

He can still have his s3 and s4 arcs, it’s just now they’re more important because he’s actually learning to be better

AND BEFORE ANYONE SAYS IM PURPOSEFULLY MAKING LLOYD WORSE SO THAT KAI LOOKS BETTER

ILL HAVE YOU KNOW AWHILE BACK I MADE A POST SAYING THE EXACT SAME THING ABOUT KAI AND HIS FLAWS SO THERE (/hj /lh)

[novannna]

If your still doing the writing asks... can I get angst 27 please! Any renegade ship is fine (can't choose lol)

ahhh im so sorry this took so long to post, i kinda forgot it existed then saw the doc and remembered i hadnt answered it 😭

also, i am still doing these!!!! I'd love it for people to send me sentence prompts (here)

i did danissa bc im literally incapable of not writing sapphics asgsdak

danissa break up fic, wc: 1003

Narcissa had always loved fairy tales. The way things always seemed to work out.

They followed a simple path, never changing.

Always once upon a time, and happily ever after. The things in the middle didn’t seem to matter.

Maybe a bit foolishly, Narcissa had wished for a fairy tale of her own. Her own knight in shining armor, her own happily ever after.

It was silly, looking back, but the Age of Anarchy sucked, and fairy tales were all Narcissa had.

But she’d grown older, and those fantasies of living out her own fairy tale faded. She didn't have any hope of a happily ever after. Looking out at the things around her, she had begun to believe that didn’t even exist.

There’d be no fairy tale ending. Because, everywhere around her, there was pain, and suffering, and loss. Those weren’t things in fairy tales, those were things from nightmares. Narcissa couldn’t believe she was in a fairy tale, because no fairy tale would ever be that dark.

They were supposed to be light, and happy, and hopeful, but in Gatlon, there was none of that.

So, Narcissa simply gave up that hope of knights, and fairies, and kisses that brought you back from the dead.

Those were simply things from stories.

Those were as fake as happily ever after.

---

Narcissa sat curled in a ball, pressing herself further into the couch. “Danna, what do you want to talk about?” There was that sinking feeling in her gut, but she pushed it away. This was fine, Danna was probably just wanting to talk about some new, big step in their lives. Maybe she wanted to move in together?

It had to be something positive, right?

Fuck, it had to be.

“Narcissa…” Danna looked away from Narcissa’s face. Her arms, her shoulder, her long braid, refusing to meet her eyes.

“Yes?” It was a struggle to keep her voice light. The look in Danna’s eyes…

No. Narcissa refused to consider it.

Danna cursed, and looked at her own fingers, furiously twisting and untwisting the loose fabric of her shirt. “You aren’t making this easy,” she muttered.

“Making what easy?” She tried to smile, but knew it was more of a queasy grimace.

“I really care about you. I think you’re great, really, I do. But.. we need to start to think about our future.” Danna took in a deep breath. “And- and what role we’ll play in each other’s.”

Narcissa could feel the tears pooling. She tried swallowing past the growing lump in her throat. “Danna,” she whispered. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t want to do this, but I have to. This is one of the hardest things I’ve done, because it’s you, Narcissa and I don’t want to hurt you.” Danna finally met Narcissa’s eyes. “I think we need to split up.”

Narcissa blinked. Blinked again. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be.

She tried to breathe in, keep on taking measured, even breaths. Not give in to the panic threatening to overtake her.

“Narcissa,” Danna pleaded. She sounded apologetic. As if she could begin to comprehend the rush of emotion Narcissa was feeling. “Say something. Please.”

Narcissa shook her head. “What is there to say?” She whispered in a hoarse voice.

“Please, ‘Cissa..”

“Don’t… don’t call me that.” Narcissa looked up, blinking the stinging tears away.

Danna nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. “Just say something.”

“I… why?” Narcissa looked at Danna again. “We’ve been through so much.”

“I care about you a lot, but just… forever’s a long time.”

“And you don’t want to spend it with me,” Narcissa finished.

“I didn’t say that!”

“You didn’t not say that either,” Narcissa shot back.

“I just don’t think we’re right for each other.”

Narcissa shook her head. “I did. I used to think that I’d live out a fairy tale life, and that I’d get a happily ever after. But I grew up, and realized those weren’t for me.” She swallowed, trying to get air past the lump in her throat. “Then I met you. I started to believe that maybe I could make my own happily ever after with you. I thought you could be my knight in shining armor. I started believing in fairy tales again. And now… now you’re saying that nothing we had was real? Our feelings for each other.. They were just some temporary thing.” Or worse, they’d just never even had them.

Danna shook her head. “That’s not what I’m saying! Narcissa, I really loved you, that’s not fake. Just, feelings change over time. We aren’t who we were. Things changed, we changed. I’m not saying everything is over. I just think we need to think about long term, and I think that we aren’t the best thing for each other. We both need to move on.”

“What happened to our happily ever after?” Narcissa whispered, eyes shining with tears.

“Not all love stories get happily ever after, sometimes it’s just once upon a time.”

“No. I can’t believe that.”

“Well, you’re going to have to,” Danna said brusquely, but not unkindly.

Still, the words sent daggers into Narcissa’s heart.

“I think you should go,” Narcissa whispered.

Danna nodded. “That’s probably best.” She tried to smile, tears gleaming in her own eyes. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. Will you be okay?”

Narcissa nodded jerkily. “I can’t do this. Please just.. Just go. Don’t pretend everything’s fine.” She looked away. “I can’t be around you. Not right now.”

Danna opened her mouth, but closed it just as quickly. Instead, she stood, and walked towards the door.

Narcissa followed numbly.

Danna paused in the doorway, looking as if she was going to lean in, and kiss Narcissa goodbye.

She flinched, and shook herself. “Good night, Narcissa. I’ll see you around?”

Narcissa nodded. “I guess.”

Danna waved awkwardly, and stepped outside, letting the door swing shut.

Narcissa slid to her knees, and buried her face into her hands.

Happily ever afters really were just a thing in fairy tales.

[intheweedsx]

Chapter 2: The MET Gala

Chapter 2: The Met Gala 

The night before the MET Gala Calvin was supposed to arrive tom after his  3 month tour and she couldn’t be more excited

“honey im here” shouted Calvin from downstairs

Taylor quickly applied her lipstick and looked in the mirror as she just wore a black lace bra and panties. She decided to slip on a see through shirt and she headed down stairs to greet Calvin. 

Taylor ran to Calvin and embraced him in a longing hug. It felt like forever since they had seen each granted it had been three months. 

“hey babe” taylor said 

“hey I’ve missed you” Calvin said groggily as he yawned 

“hey love I’m going to go to bed early I’m so exhausted after the fourteen hour flight. 

“yea sure babe. The bed is already made and if there is anything you need I’ll be down here”

“hey Calvin do you want me to unpack your things so you don’t have to do it in the morning”

“yea sure thank you so much”

Taylor took his 2 suitcases and started to unzip them when a pair of dark purple panties fell out. They seemed to have fallen out of Calvin’s suit along with an empty condom wrapper. 

Taylor’s heart shattered as she knew that Calvin had cheated in the past but that was in the beginning of their relationship and she had thought they had worked it out and he promised her wouldn’t do it anymore. Taylor started tearing up knowing that their relationship was done. Taylor knew she couldn’t let him keep cheating on me not when I wanted to start a family with him. 

“calvin can you come here” taylor said wearily 

Calvin slowly came down the stair as he had just gotten out of bed

“can you explain this” as she held the panties and condom up 

“you swore you wouldn’t cheat on me anymore and this is what you bring home. The filth of your mistress. I can’t believe you Calvin I really trusted you. And the worse part is she definitely  wasn’t the only woman you fucked on your 3 month tour. We are done. Please get your shit out of here”

“Babe I promise it won’t do it again I was just so desperate for some action after not being with you for months”

Taylor looked like she was going to explode 

“How dare you blame my lack of presence for you cheating. I did not have the urge to cheat while you were gone even though I missed physical contact so much I sucked it up because I knew how import this relationship was to me and how I could never hurt you like that. But it seems it was quite easy for you to throw what we had all to waste. Please get of this house right now”

Calvin turned around and headed up the stairs to gather his things because he knew that the relationship was over and there was no going back. 

Calvin came back down with his stuff packed 

“she was better than you anyway” Calvin said as he left slamming the door. 

Taylor broke down crying knowing she would have to tell her family and the whole world that yet again she could not make a relationship work. 

All of a sudden Taylor heard her phone buzzing. She went to go check who was texting her and it was Joe. She was confused as to why he was texting her cause she hasn’t  spoken to him since the night after she got black out drunk

“hey Taylor I know we haven’t spoken in a while but I was wondering if you were going to the MET. I kinda assumed because you are a high profile celeb and all that fancy stuff. Anyway get back to me when you xo”

“hi Joe I am going hope to see you there :)”

Well that was strange she thought but alas its time to wallow with some well deserved chocolate ice cream. 

-The day of the MET Gala- 

“Hey Tree, is it really necessary that I go to the MET Gala especially with all the Calvin stuff”

The news had not broke yet about Calvin and Taylor ending their relationship but Taylor was still very upset about the breakup and needed time. 

“Taylor everyone already knows that you are going you need to make an appearance at least for an hour”

“ok ill see you then bye”

A few hours passed by and it was already time to get ready. 

Taylor went through her closet and found the silver robot looking dress that she was given to wear. When she slipped it on Taylor realized it wasn’t as pretty as she remember but it has to do because there is nothing else I could wear. She freshened up her red lipstick and called John to pick me up. 

Once Taylor arrived at the MET gala she was bombarded with tons of paparazzi asking “where is calvin” “will he be coming later” Taylor didn’t know what to say so she just shrugged off the questions. Even if we were together Taylor doubted  hhe would want to come anyway he always thinks he is too good for these frivolous events. 

Taylor made my way into the main dining hall where she saw Gigi and Karlie

 “Hey guys how are you”

“we are pretty good” they chimed in while they seemed to be looking in the other direction 

“guyyyss what are you looking at” Taylor trying to follow their gaze 

“remember that guy from the bar back in April look he is here, I may go say hi” Selena said as she started walking towards him 

Taylor had not told her friends that she had kept in brief contact with Joe or that she may have cheated on Calvin with Joe, that was not certain but she was pretty sure she did. Taylor started to walk over behind Karlie and Sel

“hey Joe” Selena drunkly shouted

Joe looked up confused and then look relieved once he spotted Taylor hiding behind Sel and Karlie

“Hey guys I haven’t seen you guys in forever how are you”

The three girls nodded in unison saying they were good 

The group chatted for a few minutes and then Taylor was interrupted by a tall handsome man 

“hey Taylor” a British accent said 

Taylor looked up and noticed it was Tom 

Taylor and Tom had met a few days before the MET Gala and had hit it off. Taylor found him incredibly charming and really handsome. 

“heyy tom, do you want to go sit down over there”

“bye Joe it was nice seeing you again”

Joe saw Taylor walk away with another man which pained him but he knew that to Taylor Joe will always be the man she met in the bar and nothing more. 

Tom snaked him arm around Taylor’s waist which caused Taylor’s stomach to fill with butterflies. As they approached the table Tom pulled out the chair and Taylor graciously sat down. 

“so tom how have you been since we last say each other” 

“great I have been a bit busy with casting for the upcoming marvel movie but other than that it has been great to be in the states”

“hey tom let’s go dance no one else is dancing right now”

Taylor and tom started dancing and soon enough more people joined them on the dance floor 

Joe saw Tom and Taylor dance from the other side of the room and was instantly jealous of the beautiful pair

Taylor looked into Tom’s eyes and then Tom twirled her around and brought her back closer to him almost hugging her then he spun her out again. Taylor was having the time of her life dancing away the thought of Calvin. 

However, Taylor noticed that everyone was looking that and then she realized that the general public still thought she was with Calvin. 

“hey Tom, I’m going to go to the bathroom to freshen up okay?”

“ya that fine meet me back here when you are done” tom said as he winked as her which brought Taylor to a smile. 

Taylor started to rush to the bathroom because she did not want anyone to ask her any questions as to why she was dancing so feverishly with Tom 

Joe saw Taylor running to the bathroom and he thought something was wrong and he followed her 

When Taylor got to the bathroom she locked the door and started to break down crying because with all the events of the last 24 hours she was just done with being the center of everything and she needed a break from everything. All of a sudden to heard a knock at the door 

“hold on I’ll be right out” Taylor shouted 

“hey tay it’s Joe are you are okay?” Joe asks softly 

Taylor rolls her eyes thinking why is following her she just needs to be alone 

“hey Joe do you mind leaving me alone for a bit”

“are you sure you are okay love”

Taylor thought it might not be bad to have some company and she opened the door and let Joe in

“hey Joe” Taylor said while wiping away the tears on her cheek

Joe looked at Taylor sympathetically and brushed his thumb on her cheek hoping to wipe away the tears 

“thank you” taylor said wearily and she held back her tears 

“love whats wrong” 

“I just can’t do it anymore, yesterday I broke up with Calvin because I found out he was cheating and today I’m dancing with Tom hoping to put yesterday behind me but all the memories came flooding back when we were dancing and I just can’t do it anymore Joe” Taylor said while crying into his shoulder

Joe started to rub Taylors back and tell her that everything was going to be okay that she didn’t have to worry

Taylor then realized that she had been in the bathroom for a while and that Tom will probably be worried 

“Joe I’m going to need to leave Tom is probably worried about me” Taylor said as she looked into the mirror wiping away the tears 

Joe let her go and Taylor looked around and mouthed thank you 

Taylor knew in that moment that Joe was going to be a very special person in her life that she could hopefully count on in him in the future 

Taylor and Tom danced the night away and later that night left together and went to Taylor’s home in new york 

Tom and Taylor snuck in through the back entrance 

“Tom stop it” Taylor giggled as tom started kissing the back of Taylor’s neck 

“do you really want me to stop” as tom twirled Taylor so she was facing tom 

Taylor shook her head no and tom leaned in to kiss her 

Soon enough Taylor’s dress was on the floor and she was left in just her black panties and push up bra. Tom similarly only had his pants on while showing off his set of abs. 

“hey tom do you want to go upstairs” as Taylor smirked 

Tom smiled and hoisted Taylor up so she was straddling him while he was carrying her up the stairs. 

When he got to the top of the stairs he found the bedroom and laid Taylor down on her bed

Tom quickly slid his pants off and he was left in just his boxers with his throbbing member showing

Tom started to climb on the bed and he started leaving trails of kisses from Taylor’s thighs all the way up to her breasts

Tom unclasped Taylor’s lace bra and started to leave kisses around her next and eventually on her breasts

Taylor was getting impatient and started to reach down for tom’s boxers when he stopped her and pinned her hands above her head

Tom made his way down to Taylor’s hips and slowly started to take off her black lace panties. He slid his fingers into taylor and started thrusting which elicited several moans from taylor. At that point taylor was getting impatient and just wanted Tom inside of her 

Tom saw that taylor was getting impatient and he took his throbbing length and slowly inserted it into taylor to which taylor let out a moan. Tom slowly thrusted himself in and out of taylor having her feel every inch of him

towards the end when both of them were reaching their climax tom lifted Taylor’s leg up and started to thrust in and out faster and faster until both of them came together 

Both tom and taylor laid on on top of each other for five minutes before they could regain themselves. 

“thanks tom” taylor whispered gratefully as that was some of the best sex she has had in a while 

“welcome love” tom added 

After an hour of cuddling Tom started to redress himself as he had to leave because he had an early day tomorrow 

“bye love call me whenever you are free” tom added 

“bye bye see you later” taylor said as tom left her bedroom and she heard him leave through the back door 

Taylor did not have a problem with tom leaving because usually when she has a one night type stand like this she doesn’t expect anyone to stay over

After a few minutes taylor slowly fell asleep. 

[adrunkgiraffe]

I have been through this journey before, so I get to be actually frustrated about it.

IUnder a read more because im not subjecting y’all to this. Also: I should caveat I haven’t watched the episode cause I’m waiting till its on Netflix but I have watched way too many other episodes of Supernatural so I have a right to say these things. 

TL;DR: I mean you all knew Cas’ confession was fucking bullshit and that SPN is...hm. But I’d like to actually express my genuine frustration, for a moment? I’m going to say things you already know, but I have too much knowledge of this show and too much stupid meta in my brain about a series I haven’t genuinely enjoyed for at least 5 years which makes this not just blandly bad but disgustingly insulting to me not even as a gay just as like. A writer?

Or, even shorter: Cas’ confession is just a Charlie Bradbury Speedrun 

So. As some of you may know if, for some reason, you followed me back in 2013 (and till...okay fine 2015), I used to be, uh. Really into SPN. Really, I was into Destiel. Like, as in, I slogged through seasons 1-3 to get to Cas and am also really vulnerable to the Sunk Cost Fallacy and projecting onto characters. (I was in 8th grade in 2013, okay? Get off my back)

Also, because I monopolised use of the TV, I kind of...also got my parents into it? In a “this is silly but fun” kind of way.

Over time, critiques of the show from viewers, learning what queerbaiting is at all, fatigue with how long it was going, and also fatigue from how characters I enjoyed, like Rufus, or Crowley, or Ellen, or Jo, or Kevin, or Charlie, or Cas a few times, kept getting killed off. As time went on, it didn’t escape my notice that, aside from Cas, all of these characters fit one or more of the following criteria:

They were a woman

They were a person of color

Were Queer or Queer-coded in some way (listen Crowley was bad rep but at least Mark Sheppard actually kissed a man on screen)

I also just...generally got tired of the way the show treats women and sidelines people of color. 

The final straw really came with Charlie’s death. It got us all excited, because she hadn’t been back in a bit! And it was interesting to see how reuniting with her dark side from Oz had changed her! (yeah remember the fucking Wizard of Oz storyline? The writers sure don’t!) And maybe she’d get developed! Because at this point, Charlie and the fairly good writing of her character was a major upside for the series! Charlie was cool, fun, gay, and morally complex in a way...none of the female characters had been before her, in large part because by definition, her relationship with the boys would always be platonic.

And then. Offscreen. She is violently murdered. For no damn good reason. Like, literally, her being brought back in this episode after fucking off to europe after having returned from fucking off to Oz seems to have filled two purposes in total. 

The codex is solved (but Sam doesn’t know till next episode)

Charlie is dead, which means Dean can be angry, specifically at Sam, and kill more people because he’s the big bad this season. 

That’s it. Two things. Twooooo whole reasons to do this episode. Whoopee. 

But you didn’t come here for this, you came here for me to rip this reveal to shreds. Don’t worry, I’ll get there. What I want in your minds is that Supernatural already had a really good anddynamic queer character. And then they killed her off to make Dean angry. No, it doesn’t matter that they brought her back in season 13 or whatever. They made that decision. 

After the rage this incited, I started realizing general flaws in the writing (I had probably already noticed them but now I was angry enough to complain.) Every conflict is born of Sam and Dean not communicating/taking on burdens and Dean being angry at Cas for reasons that ranged from good to ridiculous, but in a way that always went way too fucking long, (which...yes, does make the “you do it for love” gifs fucking hilarious). It didn’t help that seasons 11 and 12 were next, which meant Demon Dean and GOD’S FUCKING SISTER, plus the decision to resurrect Mary, which, while I do like her later scenes, as a season 12 finale it...well I’ll be honest it kinda sucked. It undercut the majority of the Winchester’s’ arcs and their slow and painful journey out of their father’s toxic vengeance quest and knowing Mary as a person when it’s too late to know her was one of the last semi-compelling grounders of the narrative. 

By this point it was a hate-watch for my parents and I.

So then, I’m at college, and I’m not watching anymore cause I don’t have the motivation or access to Hulu to continue, and SPN is bad. I watch the Scooby Doo crossover when it comes out and my friend and I make fun of it, and we also continue making jokes about Dean and Cas and queerbaiting because we’re queer, but I don’t keep up. My Dad does though, so when I return, I watch some with the fam and lads. It’s even more tiring without context. 

So flash forward to Quarantine, my sister, the only one with taste, has left, and we have run out of netflix to watch. So we return to the well, and seasons 13-14 are. I’m gonna say it. Bad. Really fucking bad. The cycle of bad communication continues, season 14 has like seven antagonists and the way it’s structured makes it so I literally cannot remember the timeline of a season I watched 3 months ago. Oh also, they have a queer coded cannibal snake monster for...well I guess Jack’s snake bud was cool but like. Huh wow it’s almost like these writers don’t handle queers well. 

Our one saving grace is Cas, but he’s barely in any episodes, though I did note that his deal with the empty, being happy completely for one moment killing him, that struck me as “this has potential and I know they’re gonna half-ass it somehow.” Also Jack and Mary, but then oh...plot….The most compelling it gets is literally the finale.

But then, 3 days later, the first half of season 15 comes out on Netflix and it’s...actually kind of acceptable. The new character they give Jack’s actor is fun to watch him play until they make him evil. Exploring just how toxic Chuck can be gave the series direction again. The alternate future was genuinely scarring, and Eileen’s return was genuinely moving. Most of all, though, Cas got the opportunity to tell Dean no, that Dean was being unfair to him, had always been unfair to him, and he was sick of it. I had no illusions, I knew Destiel was never gonna happen, and Cas was gonna die, but giving him that bit of agency, letting Cas grow and be self-sufficient, and be angry with Dean not for existential reasons but interpersonal ones, was such a good sign for me, and Dean grew too! Dean fucking apologized for being horrible and Jensen Ackles had a...yknow what, ill give it to him, he had a good acting moment. 

But the thing. About. The “I love you.” 

Let’s take it in parts.

What was good: I’m gonna admit it, lads, “Wanting what I can’t have” - AS A LINE - is good, and, structurally, there is something to the Empty Deal that could have been an interesting aspect of Cas’ arc when it comes to self actualization and being on even footing with Dean. The problem is, this is Supernatural, and that arc only comes up when I bring it up because character study, even in bad media, is fun for me. 

What was bad:

I mean. Like. All of it? All of it. 

Okay. Fine. I’ll be specific. 

Cas dies immediately when - possibly because- he is revealed as having feelings for Dean. They kill him as they queer him, that’s a Bury Your Gays Speedrun right there.

Like the least they could have done is have him mention it to someone in another scene or something to establish some romantic feelings on the part of canon a full episode beforehand. That would have been the literal bare minimum. 

When Cas starts praising Dean, for some reason both the writing and Misha’s acting take a bit of a downswing (from...where it already was). Cas, whose most powerful moment this season was acknowledging that Dean’s anger at him is cruel and unfair, flatly praises him for doing everything out of love and it reads with a misunderstanding of both Dean as a character and Cas’ understanding of Dean. Dean is angry! VERY ANGRY! And it��s a problem he needs to work on and rarely does. 

Talking out of my ass, a better speech would have been about how Dean is angry because of his love for Sam, family, and the people around him, how, for better or for worse, he can’t help but be angry on behalf of others, and that his journey of moving that tendency towards the better is what made Cas care so much. Guys this alteration to the metaphor took 2 minutes to write tops I am an Art History student and these are TV WRITERS WITH YEARS OF EXPERIENCE CAN YOU TELL THEYRE NOT TRYING YET? 

A better speech would, of course, have come out of a better series. My point: this part was half-assed. Poorly written. Wow it’s almost like the series is also poorly written. 

 Also, Misha is the better actor of the three(***OF THE THREE), but his choices in that scene are jarringly out of character which. Makes the bad writing worse. It doesn’t help that they cut to the same fucking shot of Dean 3 times. The chemistry in that scene makes it feel so fucking hackneyed. Because it is. 

This combines lead me to the point: (wait there was a point to this?)

As someone who does not have the luxury of watching this capsized ship fall into boiling seas from a distance, it is less insulting to me that they did this so last minute and then sent Cas to the Void than it is how they did it. They had ingredients for something that could have been compelling enough to me as a former fan of the show to think that they had put effort into it, that they had decided months, perhaps even years ago to do this, and had crafted a storyline around it. That this was an intentional decision they cared about. It wasn’t. It was barely even pandering, because it’s almost insultingly blatant. 

SPN kinda proved to me that it didn’t care about queers when Charlie was killed off. It proved it to me again when Cas, not only died in confessing his love for Dean but did it in the weakest result of what could have been a surprisingly strong story.

[cs-discourse]

it is my dream to unlock all of the cs & discourse mods backstories. why is juice box filled with hatred? why does phe hint vaguely at a sad angst backstory? ( legit tho phe, you ok? ) why do rando anons dislike cinna for super petty reasons? why did I think phe and peach were the same mod? why does raey suck so much? actually, why do all the rp mods suck so much? these are some of the questions I hope will be answered by the unlocking of the mods backstories.

fjjvhdhhche honestly, if you really wanna know, sit tight for a second. Youve unlocked my sad anime backstory by asking 😔😔😔😜 But yeah tw for abuse and suicide ig.

So to keep this as short as I can, my mom yeeted basically as soon as I was born, my dad went off to war and when he came back he couldnt hold any jobs so me and him lived w my grandparents (who were taking care of me when he was gone too). My grandmother (bitchma from now on) hates him (and i hated him for a while, but now I see why she did and I love him) and kicked him out bc he had no job and major ptsd.

So I lived with gparents up until I was 18. In that time I was basically subjected to gaslighting, manipulation, all types of mental and physical abuse, mostly by bitchma. They believed in spanking (ofc. which is fucking horrble. do not spank your child) and I would legit have panic attacks??? anxiety attacks? (not sure which. i bever figured it out) where I couldnt breathe and I hyperventilated and sobbed and it was horrible, and bitchma would just tell me to “Stop that, you can breathe” while im sobbing and gasping for air. She’ll get mad at anything and everything, screamed constantly, blamed me for everything. Always said “Well (insert other child) didnt do this” or “I bet your friend (only friend i talked about) gets good grades”. Would scream at me about clothes I would wear, even if she backhandedly approved them earlier. Would hurt my feelings and when I would cry or feel the courage to tell her she hurt me she would just say “the world doesnt revolve around you”. Never apologized. Got mad at me for bad grades when I was in such a bad mind state because I had to live there with her. Said “I’ve never had a child that’s failed before, even your dad got good grades. But it seems like the only thing you can do.” That hurt me a lot. I remember it so clearly. I tried to kill myself that day, and other days, but by then I had friends I cared for. And I loved my friends as my family. If I did it, they would hurt and I never wanted to do that to them.

But coming back to my dad hate, she hates him because she couldn’t mold him into a perfect little child and was realizing she couldn’t mold me into a perfect child either. My dad and I have such similar personalities and likes it’s insane. Most likely because we were raised by the same tyrant with the same mindset of “I hate her”. He’s told me that even though he’s literally been deployed in war, some of the shit she’s done has given him more ptsd than it. I moved in with him when I turned 18. This is the happiest I’ve been in my entire life, escaping that hellhole. There’s so much more she’s done, but honestly I don’t have the willpower and don’t want to drone on, this is very long.

But yeah. She’s the only person that I’ve ever had no mercy for. When I heard she may have cancer, I was so fucking happy. But she didn’t, sadly. With the shit bitchma subjected me to, I honestly wish her the worst with her growing age. That’s how much fucking pain she’s caused me. Sorry to dump, but 1: you did ask and 2: it feels nice to vent

.phe

-

You probably thought we were both the same because I tend to keep to myself and both mod names start with P and I was signing as MP for a while when I started typoing Peach a lot and wanted to save myself the trouble.

Also, here’s my backstory LOL.. o<-<

I was born with a tumor disorder called infantile myofibromatosis and all that means is that I had self-resolving tumors all over my body at about age 3. As a result of the tumors going away, I spent a lot of years 8-12 in the hospital getting spinal transfusion work and checkups due to a destroyed vertebra, which would have resulted in paralysis from the waist down if untreated. I’ve got some pretty neat scars from all of this and I kinda want to get them turned into tattoos but I can’t because of MRIs scheduled for every 10 years.

Thankfully, the surgeries worked and I could resume “normal” activity approved by my surgeon at about 16. I have pictures of my before and after spinal x-rays if anyone wants to see. I think they’re kinda cool.

I tend to be a shut book about everything unless we’re friends and usually when I tell people everything they’re like D: I’m so sorry. So I just skip the guilt of sharing and don’t.

I’ve got a lot of nostalgic interests because I feel like I’m always trying to make up for lost time but I’m working on letting some things go.

My family tries to be supportive most of the time but my father is manipulative and tries to gaslight everyone. He kinda treats everyone in the house like we exist to serve him like a king and my brother’s frustrations often wind up being exploded all over my mother and I. It’s very a toxic household situation and I was happier before COVID when I could party and club and avoid my family with my college friends but I think that ship has sailed.

I’m currently in the process of trying to save money for future rent and new clothing, take my GRE again to raise my score above 160 and then fly the coop for good. It’ll probably take a year for all of this at least, if not longer. We’ll see. // Mod Peach

[purplesurveys]

907

Are you one of those lucky people to own a walk-in closet? lol lucky people. No I don’t have one of those. Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? Well it’s more significant today because we had our virtual graduation this morning... so I’ll go with my graduation sash. Ever since I started university I’ve always wanted to wear my own sash in a physical ceremony so again, it sucks that our batch got affected by the pandemic. Do you use Google? For just about everything, yeah. Would you like to go swimming right now? That would be soooooo so nice. I’ve been going through old vacation photos and I really miss the beach. Can you play electric guitar? Nope.

Do you have an HDTV? My parents do. When was the last time you drank something through a straw? Around a month ago when my dad bought milk teas for me and my sister. Have you ever tried to teach yourself a different language? I didn’t teach myself per se, but I have tried my hand learning Spanish on Duolingo several times. It always comes in phases – I get passionate about learning and use the app for weeks, then it kinda burns out after a while. Right now I haven’t used it since I got sick in May. How long was your last phone call? A little longer than an hour, I think. It was pure silence though; we just wanted to hear each other’s surroundings. Do you need to repaint your nails? No, I never get it painted. Has there ever been a horoscope that came true for you? Psh. Are you a fan of industrial metal? Holy shit I feel so stupid right now. I thought this was referring to a literal kind of metal and I thought, that is such an odd thing to be a fan of...Google quickly taught me that it is in fact NOT a material for building infrastructure jdsskfjskf. Anyway, no I am not a fan. Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? Yeah, occasionally. I don’t like how one piece loses flavor all too quickly so I go ahead and pop two in. Do you have a wall calendar? Not since 2008. We only had a wall calendar in our old house; when we moved here we started to rely on digital clocks and our phones to tell the time. Have you ever taken the pictures from a calendar and used them as posters? I haven’t had a calendar like that, so no. I’ve done this with magazines though. Can you handle the cold? Hahaha no, I can’t. I was already in so much pain in 20ºC weather in Sagada, and I fared much worse in 12ºC Japan weather. I would still pick living in a colder climate in a heartbeat over a tropical one, though. Have you ever been to Canada? Nope.  Do you believe in superstitions? Just one superstition involving my university that doubles as an inside joke, so it’s not like I take it 100% seriously. It’s a generations-old joke that’s impossible to ignore if you’re a student, so I just jumped in. When was the last time you took a taxi somewhere? It was from the airport to back home, but I forgot where we landed from. Bohol I think? Palawan? I don’t even know anymore. It was so inconvenient I begged my dad that we stop using taxis as transportation for our future trips. Would you ever join the army, airforce or navy? No. How old is the person you last kissed? 22. Is there a friend that you can always rely on to get you out of a jam? I don’t think so. When it comes down to it they all have their own different things going on and I can’t just call them whenever and expect them to come to me, and that’s okay. Generally though, I think my most reliable friends are probably Andrew and Angela. What was the most embarassing thing you've had to buy? I’ve never felt embarrassed by anything I had to buy, but it can get a little uncomfortable trying to buy napkins when my dress or pants are already soaked. I get over it quickly though, since menstruations are normal lol. Have you ever tried to balance the light switch between off and on? When I was a kid. I haven’t tried it in a while. Do you believe in ghosts / supernatural occurences? They’re fun to think about, sure, and I do enjoy watching the supernatural episodes of Buzzfeed Unsolved where they go ghost-hunting. I like to think that they somehow exist, but I still also very much maintain my skepticism at all times. Have you ever mistaken a person's gender? I’ve used the wrong pronouns accidentally but I always correct myself and apologize once I’ve noticed my blunder. What was the most expensive thing you've broken? My old iPhones. I’ve also sported a few dents on my car, but I wouldn’t say I broke the car. Has anyone texted you yet today? Not text, but online chat. We had our virtual graduation this morning so my inbox was swamped with congratulatory messages and such. Did you stay calm during the whole swine flu scare? I did, but I mean I was 11 and had no clue how serious it was supposed to be. I remember cheering when they suspended classes for a week because of a local swine flu case, so yep – still ignorant back then. Is there a light on in the room you're currently in? There is, but it isn’t turned on. Are your feet touching the floor? Nope, they’re on the bed. Have you ever been in a car accident? Mild ones, nothing too life-threatening. Do you usually make back-up plans? Yeah man I’m so anxious I always have at least plans A-C lined up in my head and ready to go whenever necessary. Can you focus well in high-stress situations? Usually. Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? I do. I get compliments on it all the time too. I didn’t realize it was apparently a nice feature to have until more and more people pointed it out haha. Is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger? Yeah I have a playlist that’s lined up with all of my favorite loud, angry punk rock music specifically for when I’m pissed off. Are you one of those people who keep their feelings bottled up? I can, particularly whenever I feel like it’s not worth it to blow up. Is one of your friends extremely odd but you love them regardless? Not really. Aya’s pretty weird but I wouldn’t call her extremely odd. Is there anyone you dread going into public with? My mom when she’s mad. Are you a victim of writing run-on sentences? For the most part, I wouldn’t say so. If I write a run-on sentence it’s almost always in an informal setting where I’m more loose with punctuation, like if I’m chatting on IM or writing an answer on here. Still, I try to avoid them and I never do it in a formal situation. Graffiti: an art or an act of vandalism? They can be both. Some people who genuinely just want to fuck around vandalize, like how I’ve seen “Mark <3 Erica” in spray paint on public walls or some similar shit lol. But a lot of graffiti are art as well; many have important messages or symbolisms to say. Do you buy things online? I’ve done it a few times. Not regularly. I like being able to see and touch something before buying it. Are you easily frightened? I definitely am but at the same time I’m really into horror movies and serial killers and a ghost-hunting series? Hahaha it’s weird. I guess I enjoy the thrill that comes with having those interests. Do you have a favorite model? Over the years I’ve loved Elizabeth Jane Bishop, Kiko Mizuhara, Taylor Marie Hill, Gigi Hadid, Bella Hadid, and (controversial pick!) Kendall Jenner. Have you ever watched Titanic? So many times. Honestly, one of my favorites. What's your current facebook display picture of? It’s my official graduation photo wearing my graduation sash! :) I finally changed it last Friday after I got the email saying I’m on the list of graduates. How about your IM display picture? My main IM is my Messenger, which also uses my Facebook photo. Is there anyone whose hair you envy? Gabie’s for one. Hers is really smooth and silky and wavy. Would you act in a movie if it offered a role? If I was going to be a mostly unseen extra in a blockbuster film and still be paid like $600 for it, then I don’t see why I wouldn’t take it. Does speaking in front of people make you nervous? Only if there’s going to be an unscripted aspect to it that’ll make me have to come up with answers on the spot, like miting de avances or thesis defense. If I have a script or even just a general gist of what I want to say, I have no problem improvising and speaking in front of a crowd. Can you read in a moving vehicle or does it make you sick? It makes me sick but it hasn’t stopped me before. Have you ever dated someone who was extremely shy? I’m the extremely shy person... Or have you dated someone who took things too fast? I felt that way with Gab at first when she wanted to have sex like two months after we started dating, though I was scared mainly because it was going to be my first time and I wanted to make sure I was comfortable. Now that I’m a little older, two months seems like a healthy amount of time. Does the idea of driving 220 mph sound exciting to you? Sounds terrifying. It could be fun, but only if we’re in the middle of nowhere where there’s loads of space to go that fast and no chance of crashing. Everyone has a weakness, what's yours? Food. Do you or anyone you know have an account on Deviantart? I had classmates in high school who had accounts but I’m not sure if they still have it, or if Deviantart is even still as active as I knew it to be. Thoughts on the Dunkin Donut commercial that says "America runs on Dunkin'"?  It’s a creative slogan but if I was American I wouldn’t want a doughnut place claiming to represent my country. It cute though. Do you bother buying movies on DVD anymore or do you just download them? I watch them on Netflix, which is still technically like buying them since we pay for the subscription anyway. Do you listen to Daughtry? No. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? I don’t. Waxing looks so painful to me. How do you take your coffee? Lots of creamer or milk, a little sugar. I like trying out different coffees, but when I’m simply relaxing I do want my coffee as least bitter as possible.  If you have a dog, what breed is it? I have an aspin mix, though we never figured out what Kimi’s other half is. And I also have a beagle. Have you found someone who makes you unconditionally happy? I don’t know if 'unconditionally’ is possible but yes, I do have people who make me very happy. Do you have a friend who always seems to be dying their hair? Not anymore. Jo used to dye her hair like every month though and she must have been able to go through the entire rainbow. She looked sooo good in each of the colors. Would you swap names with a friend? I love all their names but I don’t see why that would be necessary. Do you plan on going to university? I did. I graduated today. Guys who wear muscle shirts, yes or no? Idk man, they can wear whatever they want. Are you a fan of Carrie Underwood? No. I liked some of her singles when I was younger, but I’m not a fan in that I have her albums and know her lesser-known songs. Do you make playlists on iTunes? I used to, when I still used iTunes. I make playlists on Spotify now. Have you ever forgotten someone's birthday? I don’t think so. Are you scared of being left behind? Yessir. I’m super competitive, so I hate the feeling. Do you remember your last dream? No. I’m really bad at remembering them unless they’re nightmares or insanely strange. I do know that I dreamt while we were watching mass earlier on the television though, hahaha. Do you know someone who is an obsessed Star Wars fan? So many people in my circle are. Is politics something you don't care about? No. If there’s anything I give tons of fucks about, it’s that. What's a movie/tvshow/book/series that is way overrated? I’ll go with the first things I thought of...in that order: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Stranger Things (it’s good, but not as good as people hyped it to be); I don’t really read anymore; and what do you mean by series? Just realized I only gave 2 out of 4 answers lol oh well. Do you think Barbie presents an unhealthy image to young girls? I don’t like how its physical features are still unrealistic; but I appreciate their attempts at diversity. I can’t say it was upsetting seeing a Filipino-themed Barbie :) Is there a pet that you desperately want? All I ever wanted were dogs, and now I’ve got two of them. Would you ever get your bellybutton pierced? Nope. Are you musically talented? Hahahahaha Have you ever shot a gun? Not a real one, so no. Athenna’s dad had this practice gun he used for target practice (duh) and I messed with that a few times. Do you have a friend that always changes their mind last second? That’s Gabie. She’s lucky she’s my girlfriend and that I love her, because it’s actually a big pet peeve of mine. Are you not afraid to voice your opinion? Yup. The only time I don’t say it out loud is if it’s unnecessary and if it’s going to be simply disrespectful. An example would be when my uncle offered to make me a carrot cake for my grad gift, and I just said yes because it was already generous enough for him to offer me a free cake when he runs a food business. In reality it’s not my favorite cake at all; it wouldn’t even be in my top 20. Are you one of those people who are always pushing their limits? Yes, I definitely overwork myself to the point of exhaustion and burnout. But I honestly prefer doing things and being busy than sitting around. Is there a word that you will always find humorous? Bubbling. Because Drake and Josh.

Do you frown upon immature people? Typically. Have you ever slipped on ice and hurt yourself? This may have happened to me once or twice when I was still regularly visiting the ice skating rink at the mall. People were always super nice and helped me get up, though. Do you try to have an intimidating impression? I don’t try. Apparently it’s naturally the vibe I give off. Living in the big city or chilling in the country? BIG CITY. Always the big city. I’ve gone to the country/province so many times; I already know what it’s like there. I’ll always prefer a noisy city. No one seems to obey the legal drinking age, do they? Hahahaha a lot seem not to. I know so many high school kids who’ve had a drink before turning 18. Do you like your country's flag? Sure. I like that we can switch up the colors depending on if we’re at war or not. Have you ever made a totally amazing snow fort? I’ve never even seen snow before. Do you use Bounty Paper Towels? No. Are you the one usually behind the camera or the one in the picture? BEHIND If you get married, will you have a traditional wedding? Traditional, yes. Religious, no. Do you feel you’re slowly losing one of your friends? No. But now that I’m no longer in school, I really hope I’ll continue to be friends with my orgmates. I’ll certainly keep in touch as much as I can. If you draw, what's one thing you always have trouble with? Everything about it. Is there someone you know moving away any time soon? No. I do know my friend’s sister had already moved and started her new job in California, but when the pandemic started she had to go back here. This virus is just ruining so many great things for everyone, man... Allergic to anything? Nope. How many cars have you owned? Zero. I drive one; can’t say I own it because my parents bought it. What are you going to do after this? Maybe take another survey.

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 6

DC did it first. Take your grievances to them.

Jason and Sheila e-mail back and forth for about a week before she says that she has Thursday off so if he has Thursday off does he want to meet for lunch again?

Last time wasn’t bad. Not a lot of staring or people or anything. He can…he can probably do it again. And it’s a few days away still, so he has time to psyche himself up or, worst case scenario, fake his death and move to Canada.

And it’s been a week and she hasn’t pulled out the Pity Card on him yet and maybe…maybe this’ll all work out okay. She might never be Mom, because Catherine’s always gonna be Mom, but…but she could be Mother, maybe. He can see that in the distant (or not-so-distant?) future.

But he’s not going to rush into things, that’s what got him here in the first place. Patience, grasshopper.

Thursday rolls around and he hasn’t faked his death and moved to Canada, so he has no choice but to put on jeans and a hoodie and resign himself to a couple of hours, easy, of no sunglasses and no e-book shield.

Sorry, any small children who might come out of this traumatized.

Okay. He brings his Kindle anyway, and his sunglasses for the journey, and sticks to his normal Civilian Weaponry-couple’a knives, one pair of brass knuckles tucked into a hidden pocket in his hoodie. Last thing he needs is for someone to pick up a bullet, match it to the Red Hood’s, and come knocking on his door. His luck is bad enough that’s exactly what would happen.

Besides, it’s noon on a Thursday, and even in Gotham that’s a slow hour. Bank robbers gotta eat, too.

The monorail ride there is literal Hell (three fighting couples, two crying kids and old man with no personal spaaaaace!) and he’s literally gasping for air when he stumbles out of the car. He likes people. Honest. If he legitimately hated them all, he wouldn’t risk his life to help them. But interacting with them…he could do without that, mostly.

Whatever. Whatever. It’s over, he lived, he’s had worse.

(And no, he doesn’t hear faint cackling in his head, and that’s final.)

It’s windy today, the type of wind that buffets people every which way and is determined to keep his hood off his head. He fidgets with the drawstrings until it’ll stay and buries his hands in his pockets. Wind sucks. He can feel pollen and dust and Gotham Grime being blown onto his skin.

“Jason!”

Is he there already?

Sheila…looks a lot more haggard than she did before. He tries to remember if she’d mentioned being horribly busy, doesn’t think she did, and figures that to be fair, he hasn’t mentioned the bruise that goes halfway up his back.

She smiles, her awkward driver’s license smile, and waves. Yeah, she doesn’t…it must’ve been a long week, or maybe a rough drive or something. She looks tired.

“Hi.” He’s not sure what to call her, still. Miss Haywood is too disconnected, Sheila’s too personal, and it’s way, way too soon for Mother. Names are a pain. “I’m not late, am I?” He knows he’s not. “Monorail was packed.”

“So was the subway. Can I…?”

Her arms are half-out and he figures she’s asking for a hug. He can do a hug, as long as it’s a short hug.

“Yeah. Thanks for the warning.”

Holy crap, she feels frail. But to be fair, barring Dick’s tackle-hug, everyone’s felt frail since…since. So it could just be him. Hugs are weird now.

(“HUG YOUR DADDY!”)

No. Not today. Everything’s fine.

It’s a sort-of short hug, short enough, anyway, and he wonders, abstractedly, if a day will ever come that he’s used to that sort of thing again. If it even matters whether he does or doesn’t.

It does. Of course it does. And the day will come, in time, and he’ll be better, be normal, be what people want him to be.

Little steps.

* * *

They’ve fallen into a companionable silence and for once Jason’s not jumping whenever someone walks by in a purple sweater or anything when Sheila forces her lips out from between her teeth and says, “I know you were Robin.”

Well. That’s, uh, there’s that out of the way.

“Yeah.” There’s clearly no point in denying it. She probably put it together when Batman came knocking. “For a little while, yeah. I was.” He tastes blood, wonders how long he’s been doing that, and wishes he had gum. Or a mint. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right off, I just…old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Oh God, no, no, I didn’t mean-” She takes a drink. Her hands are shaking, she’s shaking and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. “I just. I thought I should probably make it clear that I did know, so you wouldn’t…I know I was absent, but I don’t want…you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me.”

Oh. That’s. He doesn’t know what to say. Bruce, God knows, has the emotional capabilities of a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Thankfully Jason hadn’t been the type to go through crushes every two weeks, or he probably would have been in Hell. He certainly wouldn’t have…it’s not like he would have shut down the conversation, but sharing and caring? That would have been awkward and best not repeated. Alfred was the go-to for that sorta thing.

All right, then. Since they’re dropping sudden bombshells ‘n all…he has to know.

“You worked for Joker.” There. It’s out. He said it.

And now he kinda regrets it-the self-loathing on her face is a pretty good match for his own, and he can’t tell himself it’s anything less than deep, deep wishing to have made better choices.

“I did.” She straightens up, begins tearing apart a piece of bread on her plate. “Briefly. I’m not proud, but he had a line to my mother, knew where she lived, knew her schedule…knew.” She swallows hard. “Knew she had to rubber-band her jam jars because she couldn’t open them otherwise. I panicked. But it was only for a couple of months-pills, he wanted pills, as much as I could get him. And then he just…went away. I don’t know what he did with them.”

Honestly, after everything, he can’t…he doesn’t have the right to say much. And honestly? There was that one guy, who accidentally cut the fucker off in traffic and couldn’t get away from him.

And look at him. The first man he killed, that wasn’t…oh, sure, he probably had it coming, at least a little, but Jason wasn’t thinking about that or considering it like he does now, he just…he wanted to kill Bruce. Because that was right and reason at the time even though he knows it’s insanity now.

No, he can’t say much.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, and it’s suddenly easier to look at his hands. “I didn’t…that sounds awful.”

“No.” She tips his chin up and it’s an effort not to pull away and to remember that it’s fingers, warm human fingers, and not the pointy end of a crowbar against his skin. “You deserved to know. It’s only fair.”

Truth be told, it’s a relief to know that she hadn’t…yeah, technically she could’ve…maybe done something different, but she hadn’t wanted to work for him. She wasn’t like the ones he’d christened Dumb and Dumber that…they enjoyed that kinda work.

Lunch is finished in relative silence after that, though, and he’s wondering what’s going to happen now when she rifles through her purse and swears.

“Damn…I meant to grab an old photo album I wanted to show you, with some old family pictures and things.”

Pictures of Willis? Yeah, he’s good. Pictures of other people might be interesting, though.

“Next time?”

“My apartment’s a few blocks over.”

Something feels off. He’s paranoid, he knows he’s paranoid, but something…she’s been shaky and weird all afternoon and he doesn’t…

Calm the fuck down, you freak out when someone window-shops for too long!

“Is everything…is everything okay?”

Or maybe something is wrong-she pulls a napkin over and there’s suddenly a pen in her hand.

“I really do want you to see these pictures, Jason,” she says, but her hand is moving and there’s the ever-so-faint skrit-skrit of pen on paper. “I swear you got my mother’s eyes.”

The napkin slides over to him and he glances down. Her handwriting’s spikey and awful-doctor writing to the bone-but his is no better and he can read it well enough.

An old colleague has been hanging around the hospital lately.

Oh.

That explains a bit.

“Sure.”

Her shoulders drop and she crumples the napkin, nails picking it into shreds.

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” she says softly, nearly too soft for him to hear, and he’s quick to shake his head.

“No, no, I don’t mind, I’m glad you…if there’s anything I can do to…”

Shit, she looks like she’s going to start crying and that is indeed PANIC in his throat. Tears are not good.

“You’re a good boy.” Her voice is watery but there are no tears to be seen. Thank Jesus. “I promise next time we have lunch it’ll be normal.”

Oh, good, things haven’t plummeted down to fiery Hell because of all the revelations flying around.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” he says, and whoops that’s his ‘all will be well, citizen, never fear!’ voice. But it must work, because the about-to-cry look disappears. “Um. Do you wanna…it looks like it’s gonna rain, should we get going?”

And so they do.

* * *

The wind has picked up and it smells like rain. He’s not looking forward to patrol later.

The wind’s not so bad, though, to stop Sheila from lighting up with a self-depreciating, “I know I’m a doctor and should know better, but I honestly don’t care.”

“I can’t really say anything.” He holds up his own pack and rattles it before pulling one out. It’s not as calming as it usually is and he doesn’t know why.

Eh. It’s been a long day, that’s all. He’s not used to interacting with people on a personal level anymore, which is his own fault and probably not necessarily a good thing.

The first few drops have started to fall when they arrive at her building-big, square, and simplistic. She fishes out her keys while they’re in the elevator (which smells like new car, for some reason).

The hallway is deserted. It’s a little creepy, to be honest-his own building might be crap, but there’s always activity. And then, of course, there was Arkham’s hallways, or what he could hear of them. Noisy. Always noisy. But this? Wayne Manor was silent like this. It unsettled him then and it unsettles him now. Call him a city boy, whatever, but he needs noise.

The brass knuckles and knives in his jacket are warm and comforting and he knows he’s not gonna need ‘em, but they make up for this creepy-ass silence.

Sheila opens the door and motions him inside. It’s dark inside-blackout curtains, probably-but he can hear the rain. It smells like new car in here, too, and he wonders, off-handedly, why-

-it’s not empty. He’s walked into one too many ‘empty’ buildings to be very, very attuned to the sound of somebody breathing. Okay. Be calm, back out and shut the door.

He’s about to do exactly that when the light switch clicks and bathes the whole place in stark white. White walls, white floors, white furniture.

Which only makes Harley Quinn stick out like a sore thumb in all that red and black.

“BAY-BEE!” She could never hope to match Joker’s grin, but she gives it a good go, stretching her makeup. Okay. Change of plans. Get Sheila out of here (and preferably out of the building), deal with Quinn. “It’s been a whiiiiile!”

He takes in the mallet leaning against the couch and the shotgun (are those fuzzy dice? Really?) in her hands and comes to the conclusion that great, she’s riding the crazy train.

But maybe she hasn’t seen Sheila yet. Where’s that goddamn light switch?

He moves, only a little, only to feel the unmistakable press of a gun against his lower back.

“Don’t. Move.”

And the world drops out from under him.

No. No, no, no, she said she quit, it was over, she said they’d let her go, she said-

The door shuts. He twists so he can still see Quinn in his peripheral. Sheila’s face is a blank mask-no tears, no joy, no nothing. Just quiet determination and he doesn’t understand, she said…

“Mom?” The word feels thick and wrong in his mouth, but maybe…maybe she’s brainwashed or hypnotized or something, maybe she doesn’t…isn’t…

“Sorry, kid.” The words are harsh but her tone isn’t. Quinn giggles in the background but she sounds so far away and Sheila’s still pressing a gun against him. “It was you or me, and, well…it had to be you.”

What?

“Aww, come to mama, baby!” Quinn giggles again before straightening up and scowling. “Now.”

His feet drag him forward, sneakers scuffing against the white carpet an’ Heaven’s s’posed ta be white, innit, so why does this feel like Hell and what’s going on she said she said-

For once horrible, desperate second, he wants Bruce. Bruce wouldn’t…yeah, he’d thought, at first, that he’d left him but he knows that he didn’t, he really didn’t, he just…

Bruce wouldn’t have pulled a gun on him, he wouldn’t and God, if he’d just fucking talked to him-

“I did what you wanted, Quinn.” Sheila’s voice is so, so flat and is this all she wanted from the beginning? Is it? “Now call your man.”

Quinn doesn’t even look at her. She’s looking at Jason like she always did-like she’s torn between wanting to rip his head off and wanting to wrap him in a blanket and keep him.

This is his own goddamn fault, he just thought…just once, just once-

“Quinn!” Desperation now, and the gun wobbles against his hoodie as she steps out from behind him. “I did what you said! Call your man!”

Okay. Okay.

He forces himself to take a few deep breaths that taste like that last cigarette outside and says, voice as steady as he can make it, “Let her go, Harley. Leave her alone, I’ll. I’ll do what you want, just. Just let her go.”

“Aww, look at you!” Her pigtails sway and he finds himself oddly hypnotized by the movement. “I knew ya had to be Robin for a reason.”

Yeah. Yeah, he was Robin and that’s all he’ll ever be, the one that fucked up.

“Please, Harley.”

“Nyeh…” She adjusts her grip on the gun, finger dancing near the trigger, and looks down at her knuckles. “Eeny, meanie, miny, moe, catch a Batman by the toe. If he hollers, let ‘im go, eeny…meanie…miny…moe!”

He sees it before she does it, but there’s no time-he’s moved maybe half a centimeter before the gun goes off-

-and Sheila.

Falls.

His ears are ringing. They’re ringing and everything’s so white except her, all blonde and blue and so fucking red because Harley didn’t miss and if he’d been quicker, he should have been-

“Aww, don’t be sad!” Harley’s not alone, of course she’s not. He should have known from the start stupidstupidstupid. “Doncha know what happens to people who know too much?”

Her eyes are open. They’re open and they’re looking at him like this is his fault and it is if he hadn’t…

S’like Joker said, once.

“Good boys know how to lay down and DIE.”

“Mistah J had a spot for ya, baby.” Huh? “But you up an’ left us before it was time! So since it’s his birthday-” The fucker has no birthday he just appeared one day too evil for Hell. “-I thought I’d get my puddin’ somethin’-” She winks. “Real nice.”

And they’re on him.

Harley’s goons are dumb, but they’re also big and they manage to drag him down for a minute before he gets a knife out of his sleeve and drives it into the nearest jaw.

“Andre!” Yeah, Andre ain’t comin’ back from that any time soon. “I thought we taught you manners!”

He reclaims his knife and scrambles back up and okay okay maybe he can get outta this-

WHAM!

Lights out.

[weabooweedwitch]

In regards to moving to the EU, I’ve just got back from a four year stint in The Netherlands and while it was pretty expensive (because I couldn’t work for all four years and the housing market is fucked YIPPEE), it is EXTREMELY liveable. The culture shock was mild, you can live comfortably on a McDonalds salary depending on what city you’re paying rent in, and while they kinda do discourage going to the doctor for mental health reasons they’re quick to refer you to specialists and student insurance covers quite a lot. You just have to put up with the Blackface Parade each Christmas

GOD I WAS TRYING TO REMEMBER WHICH COUNTRY WAS THE ONE I READ THAT WAS DOING THAT. For some reason I was thinking that happened in Sweden? But God. There was a part of me that was hoping that was just, idk, an internet rumor, like some weird unconfirmed thing that was stopped years ago? How horrible. I, uh, honestly wouldn't even know how to respond to witnessing something like that.

Fuck, but on the other hand, being able to afford anywhere on even a "lower salary" sounds amazing. I dunno if I would be able to tolerate seeing stuff like that uh aforementioned parade though? I'm bad at keeping my mouth shut sometimes and as you guys can see on here, i can be a little defensive/feel like starting fights sometimes

What sucks is that, like, for me to even hypothetically immigrate anywhere id have to have uh like thousands and thousands of dollars at least is what I've been led to believe. And that's IF you get approved through the immigration process? I hear some countries almost uh act like they really don't want you living there unless you're basically like a doctor or something

I just. I dunno? I don't think I would ever be able to afford it realistically, but sometimes I really worry about like for example, what if im still around in like 20 or 30 years and im aging and it's getting harder for me to work but I can't afford to retire or even just take a break? What if I ever need like, knee surgeries in the future? I've literally become terrified of aging and growing older because I know, I know i live in a country where if you don't have any savings to retire on, you work until you die. Jesus Christ one of my coworkers is 66 and they took her food stamps and her health insurance because :oh you're working TOO many hours during this horrible global pandemic!"

Oh, also, I still very much need mental health care, so definitely hearing that part is discouraging too 😥 it's kind of nice to imagine me being able to afford to move my family somewhere, but even I know that's not how it works because all family members have to be approved for immigration, its not like a coupon or anything.. Like. This genuinely keeps me up at night. I know I'm shitty and bitter about my sister but I constantly worry for her safety as a thin attractive young person in this country, and how she can't afford to go the therapy because, oh working too many hours, no state healthcare. I never posted about it but my mom lost her job and like, she has no savings? And student debt? And she's 57? It's getting harder and harder for her to work because she can't do any super physical tasks and she has chronic pain. And I constantly think "oh god my mom isn't going to be able to afford to retire. Oh god, my mom is going to be needing to retire and I won't be making enough money to help support her. What about my sister. Oh God oh god oh god" and I just. I have panic attacks almost every single day. Almost every day.

I just. I want to help my family. I feel like we're all just barely balancing on supporting ourselves and within the next few years everything could just completely collapse. I feel like. I feel like I have to be the one to save my family to try and get us out of here. I just constantly think about, CONSTANTLY , how I should literally just quit my job and kill myself because I don't see the point of working when I see what a lifetime of working got my mother: nothing but debt amd body pains. I just. I dont know if I can have a future here, but if I can't make any money here, how could I ever afford to hope to move elsewhere 🤦‍♀️ I'm just scared all the time. I wish I had actual skills. You know I'm only 25 Nf just for the few years I've been employed, I'm already getting repetitive motion injuries? Fucking working at McDonald's and Wendy's literally damaged my fucking elbows??? And now working at a grocery store is actually very the same and sometimes my entire body hurts after a week of working? It's like.... I'll just stop. I have to get ready for my shift and I'm sitting here starting to bawl my eyes out. I just. I have to keep telling myself I can only take it a day at a time because trying to think about my future upsets me so much

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[ffxvhoe]

Ep. Ignis Thoughts *Spoilers*

Well…not really coherent thoughts just my reactions to everything in the DLC and a lot of yelling and rambling

again, spoilers ahead if you didn’t catch that

Younger!Regis I’m hOOOOOOOOOO MAN was this king a looker ((tho we all knew that already psh))

LIL NOCTIS MY HEART HE LOOKS SO SMOL AND PRECIOUS PROTECT HIM

the elemental bound daggers are fuckin lit as hell omg??? That’s so badass

Ignis whispering “be safe” as he looks down at titan and Noctis um yeah alright I can already feel myself losing my shit

Watching ignis take on all these MTs n shit……*takes a step toward ignis hell*

Camelia can suck an ass honestly like hydra imma need ya to come back real quick and eat this woman k thnx

Call me beep me if you wanna reach me

Ignis yelling “it’s ovAAAAA” is kinda hot but I bet you $10 I’ll get annoyed by it by the end of the game

“You’re mine” *cue the pals in ignis hell losing their marbles*

Ignis with disheveled hair bLESS UP

OH HEEEEEEEEERES RAVUS

Caligo pls stop trying so hard like lmao I can’t take him seriously

*gladio raging yelling about ignis keeping his head* me: ???? He’s doing fine????

Why does the commanders voice sound familiar???

Caligo: “what could one of his majesty’s royal retainers be doing here of all places?”

First of all you know damn well the prince is there you asshat second pls die

LMAO MY BOI IGGY JUST CANT CATCH A BREAK OMFG HES GOTTA DEAL WITH THIS TRANSFORMER LOOKIN ASS ROBOT WHILE HES IN A BOAT AHAHAHAHAAHAHA

someone pls talk to me about iggy’s necklace and his collarbones bc iM FEELIN SOME TYPA WAY

caligo looks like the guy that played the rat from HP

YOOOOOO RAVUS COMIN IN CLUTCH AND TAKIN OUT CALIGO BLESS UP

Why is ravus calling ignis “boy” so fucking funny lmao

Okay so ravus really isn’t that much taller than iggy glad that’s settled

Ya know…..ignis probably has a really REALLY nice back

Ravus and iggy doing that fight move together is so cute lmao

“Does this mean it’s safe to assume you’ll lend noct a han-“ “don’t be asinine” bOI IM CRYIN WHAT A SAVAGE

“My sister’s life is at stake is that not reason enough?” RAVUS WHAT A GOOD BIG BROTHER T_T

“I have doubts that you were born with a prosthetic” IGNIS YOU CANT JUST SAY STUFF LIKE THAT

 Loo-see-eye

“We haven’t much time” “I’m aware *eyeroll*”

“Tread carefully” “I know”

But….like………why are they just carrying around Coeurls on these airships???

Purifying all by the light of the crystal and the glaives if rulers past

YO HOLY SHIT OKAY SO IGNIS 100% KNOWS THAT NOCT IS GOING TO DIE BUT NOT ONLY THAT HE KNOWS THAT AT SOME POINT HES GOING TO LOSE HIS EYESIGHT TOO BECAUSE OF THAT VISION *inhale* boi

ravus oh no my bb ;-;

…..yo wait is ravus going to be the one that blinds ignis?? how sick would that be??

Honestly though ohmygosh my heart goes out to ravus like he has NO ONE left and I just….there’s too many feelings to write in here about ravus rn

“What hope is there in a future that my sister will never see?” OH HERE COME SOME OF THE TEARS

“I feel nothing!” Calm down a little there edgelord

I just realized that ignis does the anime glasses thing when using total clarity lmaooo

Yeah def tears over ravus crying and talking about the way Luna did everything with a smile

THE WAY IGNIS LOOKS AT NOCT WHILE RAVUS IS CRYING IN THE RAIN OVER LUNA’S DEATH BC IGGY KNOWS THAT HE’LL BE IN RAVUS’S SPOT IN THE BEAR FUTURE IM FINE THIS IS FINE

THE SCREECH I JUST LET OUT OVER ARDYN IMPERSONATING GLADIO OMG

ARDYN SUCK A DICK

Ignis has beautiful eyes

How did ignis know a glaive wielded the ring??

*uncontrollable wheezing* IGNIS WITH HIS HAIR DOWN IGNIS WITH HIS HAIR DOWN AND GLOWING EYES IM CALL AN AMBULANCE WOMAN DOWN I REPEAT WOMAN DOWN

but in all honesty that does make a whole lot of sense as to how ignis ended up losing his eyesight and I’m upset I didn’t think of that

Oh shit

Oh shit the screen

Oh fuck

It’s black bc he’s blind now I’m

I have chills that’s amazing

Wait I thought ravus was killed I’m???

The pain and anguish in ignis’s voice I’m hNG MY BABY

Gladio looked so distressed in the end credit scene I’m

I felt more emotion during the end credit scenes than the entire game that’s great

IM FINE THIS IS FINE I JUST CANT SEE THROUGH MY TEARS “BUT ILL ALWAYS HAVE YOU IN MY HEART” AND THEN THE PARALLEL OF LITTLE NOCT TAKING HIS HAND AND OLDER NOCT TAKING HIS HAND THIS IS FINE IM FINE AND LETS NOT FORGET IGNIS CRYING THIS IS FINE

[oflgtfol]

passengers (2016) had the potential to be such a good movie but it was written in such a wrong way and it just wound up being shitty and gross........

im in such a ranty mood lately so yeah. this is long and probably incoherent so its under a read more

like if they wrote it from aurora’s perspective it couldve been such a cool space horror film. im not a big film buff so idk but i rarely see space horror moves? i see it more often in literature. but even then most space horror stories are all like, aliens and shit, but space is so vast and interesting, space horror has the capacity to be so unique and different from normal horror... aliens are basically just the demons and monsters on earth just in a different setting

space horror stories that really get me - the ones that really fucking chill me to the bone, that actually succeed in creeping me out - are always the ones that focus on being alone. space is so isolating, its so completely different from earth, like out there you are the loneliest you will ever be. you can be lonely in your bedroom but ultimately you’re on a planet with 7 billion other people, but in space, there is no one around for millions, billions, trillions of miles, hundreds and thousands of light years. you cannot get to safety. you are stuck in your situation whether you like it or not and nobody will come to help you. nobody will even know.

if your situation takes the wrong turn, then you will well and truly die alone in a way that nobody else has ever experienced before. its such a chilling concept and its completely realistic too, like i will always come back to the first moon landing when discussing this. nobody knew whether they could get the astronauts back to earth. they went down to the surface with no certainty that this place wouldnt be their deathbeds. they were the first 2 people to ever step foot on the moon, to ever step foot on a surface that wasn’t earth. if they couldnt get back up, then they would also be the first 2 people to die there, to die on a place that wasnt earth. it fucks me up so bad. so space horror is also so chilling because its plausible, this is the unknown we’re exploring and everything is new. everything in space is so far apart, its so lonely, and that fact remains true whether you’re talking about real life space travel or an event in fiction, which makes it feel way more genuine that regular horror. horror that deals with the supernatural loses that realism and it feels fake, like that wont happen to me because monsters and demons just dont exist

so you could take this conflict, one between humans, and put it into space? it becomes even more horrifying

with a horror movie set on earth dealing with a kidnapping, you root for the protagonist, for them to escape, for them to kill their captor if they must, and no matter how helpless the situation may seem you root for them because all they need to do is have access to phone to call 911, or grab that hammer and their problems are over, or kick their captor in the groin and make a break for the street. the helplessness from this story is that freedom is so close, yet so far

a horror movie set in space dealing with a kidnapping? the victim is stuck there no matter what. they can kill their captor. they could send a distress call. they could reach an escape pod and make a break for it. but no matter what, they are still stuck in space. you are so utterly isolated that a distress call could take years upon years upon eons to reach anyone who could possibly answer, and an escape pod would take even longer unless it can go at light speed

so the horror of the situation with space horror is that everything is up to you, and if you fail? its over.

with passengers though, its not that simple. because there its not just “up to you,” it is just utterly futile. jim took aurora out of her pod and no matter what she does will change that. her situation is irreversible

(i havent seen it in a while but i know towards the end there was that emergency pod, but uhm. did she even know about it until jim told her about it? yeah. that adds to the horror of it)

the film however. is written from jim’s perspective. the film deals with this isolation a bit at the beginning which i had actually enjoyed in that kinda sick oh no feeling that space horror like this always gives me. it was interesting to actually see it depicted in a movie! i’ve only read about this kinda situation in a written story in only one book, but im sure theres more out there, but either way it was novel for me

and the temptation of opening aurora’s pod is what adds to it. its either you go fucking insane because you live out the next few decades with no other human contact, you kill yourself, or you open up someone else and suffer with someone else by your side, but thats the BAD route and now you’re a horrible person. its a serious moral question! you go a whole year of being utterly, completely alone with absolutely zero human contact, but you are surrounded by other humans. its fucking painful. i cant even imagine that

i respect that portion of the film! i do! but then he opens up aurora’s pod. and it suddenly becomes a romance movie, and continues to be framed in jim’s perspective. bad move.

if we took out jim’s spiraling descent to opening up aurora’s pod, and started the film with her waking up, frame it as a romance movie, it could be really good. the reveal where she found out he is the reason shes awake, he’s the one who robbed her of life, her potential, her everything she ever knew. he’s stranded her in the middle of nowhere for the sole reason of keeping him company

the sheer impact of this revelation is lost because the movie is in jim’s perspective. we already sympathize with him due to the beginning. he was introduced first, and his suffering was obvious, so we look at aurora and its almost like we should think well thats all well and good but poor jim! but jim had the comfort that at least him waking up was just a random event. aurora was woken up because he was awake. if he was still asleep, then so would she, and she would still have her life and future. and even if someone was still randomly woken up, if it wasnt jim of all people, then she would most likely still be awake too. its all the horrible circumstances intersecting and she got caught in the crossfires due to him succumbing to his situation.

now i’m not saying that jim is evil. no one has ever been in this situation before. i really don’t know what the fuck i’d do and i don’t think anybody knows what they would do either until they were in his shoes. it’s all morally ambiguous and it’s just shitty all around - but ultimately, it was a horrible horrible decision that ruined another person’s life. he was directly responsible for her losing everything. and the fact that he hides this from her? is even fucking worse. it’s understandable, but my god is it BAD

and in making this a romance movie. the horror of aurora’s situation is just lost! because our goal is to see them kiss and fall in love by the end of the movie, so the audience isn’t meant to look to harshly at jim. he suffers no real consequences for his actions. and ultimately it is a romance, because jim ~sacrifices himself~ and aurora realizes that hey we’re gonna be here for the rest of our fucking lives, i might as well enjoy it. which is a shit attitude to have in a relationship of any kind by the way!

but by framing this as a horror movie, aurora could be wayy more sympathetic to the audience. the romantic angle when she first wakes up would feel insidious, and we would feel the betrayal when it’s revealed that jim is the reason she woke up. jim would be the villain obviously, and the moral ambiguity of his decision to wake her up would make him a relatable villain, but it would still hold him accountable for what he’s done. i just think the end product would be a lot more poignant than it was as a romance movie

and now to wrap it up, here’s my ideas on how to do it: film starts with aurora on earth before she’s about to leave, talking to all her friends and talking about how much she wants to go to this other planet, how great of an opportunity it would be. she boards the ship and goes under. and then within a few seconds, she’s waking up. the waking up scene is framed the same way jim’s was, and not from the side from jim’s perspective like it was in the actual movie. we get to see all her confusion and exhaustion from her perspective. once she’s acclimated or whatever, she’s futzing around the ship when jim stumbles upon her, acting all confused and excited to see another person, and its so genuine that nobody, including aurora, is any wiser that he’s the cause of it. then its all the romance shit, and falling in love, its fun, she’s like “oh my god it sucks that we’re stuck like this and we’re gonna die alone” and they comfort each other, yadda yadda, its meant to build trust between them and between the audience and jim. maybe theres a few scenes peppered in that build suspense like, wtf is going on, but ultimately the Jim Trust scenes kinda turn us/her away from that. but then its aurora talking to the robot guy and the robot guy lets it slip that jim was the one to wake her. it zooms into her face, and in the background you can see jim, all dark and blurred, looming over her. she goes to cry in her room or whatever, like she did in the movie, and its like flashes on previous scenes but now all the little hints to it make sense

anyway i dont have many more ideas just that at the end jim tells her about the extra pod and she goes in, and jim... hm.. maybe its vague.. maybe he lives out the rest of his days and he’s the one to leave the plants behind, maybe he died while sacrificing himself, idk. im not a horror writer. something to humanize jim, that this could’ve been anyone making this shitty decision while emotionally compromised, but still makes it clear that he was in the wrong, very in the wrong

the romance in the actual movie felt, like, poisoned because of what he did, and it rubbed me very wrong that they picked it back up all bc he was willing to die at the end to fix the spaceship. if anything, they should’ve only been friends. idk. actually focusing on aurora and her perspective feels like it could’ve taken the film in a much more interesting turn than just “standard het couple gets together in the end despite the girl being hurt by the guy” like every. fucking. movie.

[her-eyes-looked-so-sad]

Denver had a purpose (long post)

I was sitting there getting so much work done, agitated as hell but thinking smugly to myself about how here I am in Denver being productive™️ and doing stuff for my clients like ooooo all my shit is together therefore I can sweep my problem under the rug. Except I realized that no matter how much work I was doing, no matter how on top on my schedule and press releases and clients and pitches and research I was: none of it meant a damn thing.

That’s not to say that my work doesn’t matter. It’s just with the realization that a dying girl achieving her goals is pretty fucking meaningless if I’m dying. And with that, I closed my laptop and began walking the very well known path between the Lowry Starbucks and ERC. I was scared. I felt stupid. How crazy would I look? As I trudged closer, I sped up. Tears streaming down my face, my body literally pulling everything it could until it got right in front of the building. Am I really here? Am I really about to just fucking show up at ERC and ask to talk to someone? I guess so.

I went into the foyer area and started taking pictures to prove to myself later that this wasn’t some kind of fucking seroquel and vodka infused dream sequence. I said “My name’s Rachel Patterson, I’ve been here before, and I need to talk to someone please.”

I’m fucking crying, trying to not become hysterical. Front desk lady kindly says “Ok sweetie, are you admitting today?”

“No, I’m sorry I know this is random but I just want to talk to someone. Anyone, please.”

I try thinking of Dr McGuire’s name. “I know it, I know who she is. I remember, I promise...it’s her!”

Wouldn’t you know, Dr. McGuire herself comes out of those double doors. There was a fire drill so lots of staff swirling around. I hear Cindy’s voice. I miss Cindy so much.

“What’s going on?” She asks, kindly.

I explain that I’m here on a layover at the tail end of spring break. “I just needed to see someone here, anyone, and be able to look at them and say that I am completely miserable. Every single day, my eating disorder makes me completely miserable and I am so sorry.” Crying. So much crying. She honestly looks scared and quickly says that she’ll be back. I sit down in one of the chairs and Rendy walks by and opens the door. I’m too ashamed to speak up but out of the corner of my eye I see him basically stop in his tracks, turn around, and look at me. Half like “what the hell is Rachel doing here” and also “holy fuck Rachel is in a bad spot”

Dr. McGuire comes back out with Caitlyn the dietitian. I like Caitlyn but she’s a dietitian therefore not who I was expecting. Both of them look fucking scared. Oh no what if I freaked them out by having a complete mental breakdown in the foyer of their treatment center? Both of them hug me at this point. I’m completely at my wits end, crying because Im so desperate and laughing because I am so happy to finally see people from ERC. “Ohmygod Caitlyn I never did anything you told me and I am so sorry that I never listened!!!!” We all kinda laugh. I always fight with the dietitians, I never learn, and I always wind up crying my eyes out saying “I’ll listen this time I promise”.

It was a quick meeting, and I don’t remember everything exactly but they were saying that it sounded like I needed to be admitted and that they could get me a bed in a couple days if I chose to stay in Denver.

“Oh but I have school and internships and work and I can’t leave, I can’t abandon it” I cry.

“Rachel we are always here to help you and it sounds like you really need help and we’re worried. I don’t know exactly what’s going on with your labs or EKGs but it sounds like you need help now” (insert incoherent rambling about how I tricked the doctor and I hated lying and being urged to see a medical doctor soon)

“Rachel. We can help you now. We can admit you if you want.”

I broke down. It felt like everything in me was finally broken into a million pieces. All the acting like I’m fine or it’s no big deal or whatever was gone. I almost said yes. I wanted so badly to say yes. To call my Dad and everyone else and just fucking let that weight come off my shoulders. To say fuck Memphis and fuck my eating disorder. Oh but how I was torn. I couldn’t just quit my job. Quit my internships?! I didn’t even have all my clothes. I have to take my cat to the vet. I have all my shit in a dorm and owe the school money. I have a research project I have to give in my crisis class with my favorite professor/Dr J where I have to do above and beyond average to prove myself to my classmates and earn her respect as a future PR professional. What so everyone else shows up after spring break and I just suddenly disappear? Oh no, oh God no. What was I to do?

I told them I couldn’t make any rational decision, but maybe they could check my insurance benefits for the future. Maybe I could just try a few things at home and get through the next two months and come after the semesters over, I pleaded.

I told them about Dr J. “She’s not a therapist or anything but I really look up to her and she always asks how I’m doing and is trying to help me find resources in Memphis. She really seems to understand and having her be there for me really does help. I feel so fucking alone except when I’m with her, even when we’re not talking about it. She’s just someone I really respect, you know.”

So Dr J, the professionals said thank you. That they’re glad I have someone instead of keeping everything to myself.

Dr. McGuire asked how school was going. I said good, when I’m not half dead haha. Sad smiles are still smiles. I said “my eating disorder is so loud and is so confusing and is it just a totally messed up eating disorder to say that none of this matters and I’m not that bad because I don’t look sick?”

“You do look sick, Rachel. You definitely look sick. You know I’ll be foreword with you.”

I was like THANK YOU BECAUSE NO ONE IN MY LIFE WILL TELL ME WHAT THE HELL I LOOK LIKE SO THANK YOU FOR ACTUALLY TELLING ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

They had to leave. “Rachel please go to the emergency room if there’s any kind of medical issue. Please.” They both looked afraid again. “I will, I promise. Thank y’all so much.”

There was a patient sitting in the waiting room. I looked at her and said “I know you don’t know me, but I’ve been here before and it’s the best place you can go. This eating disorder sucks and I hate it but, there’s gotta be an end to it right?” We talked a little and I looked at her and said “You’ve got to fight it.” And she said “you do too. The fact that you’re here right now means you want to get better. That you’re talking with them. Take care of yourself.

I decided then that I was going to treatment.

I am going to treatment. I told their intake person as soon as the semester was over that I would be back. And I fucking meant it.

To fast forward through the next few hours (as lovely and meaningful as they truly were) I get back to the airport and quickly board my plane. I can’t stop crying. We start taxing out and I’m feeling more and more lightheaded. There wasn’t time to grab a Diet Coke because I was busy purging the little bit I had for lunch (and quietly crying in the toilet like a fucking loser). The more lightheaded I get, the faster my heart beats. As we take off I started having chest pains. Not horribly painful but fucking terrifying and painful enough.

“What if I die on this plane? That’s what happened to Callie!”

“Calm down. Pray. You won’t die ok? Just don’t panic and keep your breathing nice and easy.”

The feeling gets sucked out of my face. I can’t breathe. I start blacking out and then it finally stops. I spend the rest of the flight crying and lightheaded. Oh fuck I made the wrong choice. I should have stayed.

I SHOULD HAVE STAYED, I scream at myself. I keep replaying the conversation. Keep picturing their faces.

We land. I am floating. I’m not awake but I can’t let myself rest. Baggage claim. Almost home. While waiting for Christina, I put my legs up and close my eyes. I am floating, I am weak. Blacking out. Heart thumping strangely.

“Rachel go to the emergency room if anything happens ok please. Please be careful.”

It’s like they knew.

Of course they knew. They’re the experts and they know ME. And they’d never seen me so bad/at such a low weight. They could see me dying. Oh my God...does Dr J see me dying?

How do I keep from fucking dying these next 8 weeks? Do I quit my job and try to reduce stress? Do I quit exercise? What do I do when I’m laying in bed or walking into class feeling myself get weaker and weaker? Because eating isn’t the fucking solution. My body has been damaged past that.

I feel fat and disgusting but I’m also dying. How can I pretend to be so bulletproof when I dance along the edge of no return?

How the fuck do I stay alive? Dr J isn’t going to have the answer.

I have to survive 8 more weeks.

I have to live.

[jimincheoreom]

STIGMA || K.TH

Pairing: Kim Taehyung / Gender Neutral Reader

Word Count: 5038

Warning(s): Physical & Mental abuse, mentions of medical supplies, lowkey implied smut, profanity

A/N: I’m so sorry this took so long to come out. It was originally supposed to be around 1k words like BEGIN and LIE, but that didn’t stay for long. My schedule is hectic so I probably shouldn’t have given myself a due date when exams are so close lol. Thanks for your patience though! (this is literally like 5x the length of the other two lolol end me don’t do this to me taehyung ur not even my bias). Also, this kinda strayed far from his wings short story unlike the others two lol rip. also i have no idea what im going to do for the next four, end me.

Summary: 

You reflect on the consequences of the future and past as Taehyung gives you a desperate plea for help over a payphone.

Additionally, your roommate is Namjoon who’s done with your shit.

|| J.JK || P.JM ||  K.TH || M.YG || K.NJ || J.HS || K.SJ ||

“__why are you hiding;”

“_____im a curse;”

The Taehyung you had known, the one who had graced your childhood, the one who held your hand on the playground and as you walked to school was not the one standing in front of you. This man was different in so many ways compared to the man you had grown up and fallen in love with. The man who you watched grow from a child to a teen and, finally, to a young adult. He was no longer the little boy on the playground or the one who shared his lunch with you when you forgot to grab yours in the morning. The Kim Taehyung you had cherished was gone, a dour reminder that life was always changing along with the people who lived those lives. This man would not be the one to hold your hands and slip through the rain or the one to hum lullabies in order to calm you in your darkest times. This man, the one in front of you with his icy features that still resembled your Kim Taehyung, he would be the one to cause your darkest times.

“Hey…” He frowns and grabs at your shoulders, trying to get your attention. “I said I was sorry, okay?”

A sudden bitter emotion snaps inside of you, “You're ‘sorry’? What kinda’ve shit is that, Kim.”

“Kim?” He growls lowly, “you’re gonna sink to that level?”

“Yeah! I sure as fuck am!” You shove him back by pushing at his chest, “If you do stupid shit I'm gonna be pissed at you! Especially when you fucking call me at three in the fucking morning!”

“Well sorry, you're the only person I have that I can call! I have no family! You're my family!” His voice is wavering and your heart shatters hearing the emotion cracking behind his voice.

You begin to stumble over your words, “Namjoon? Seokjin? Fuck, even Yoongi would’ve come and gotten you!”

He sighs and grits his teeth, “you know… you of all people should know…”

“Should know what Taehyung?! Because right now I'm not understanding anything!”

“I can’t rely on them for forever!”

“And you can rely on me for forever?! I have a life just like they do!” You walk closer to him, your heart dropping with every step closer to him.

“Yes!” His voice completely shatters, no ability to shout left. “Because I love you… I want to spend my life with you, not them. I love you. They're my family but you… you're the love of my life…” his voice trails off, “I want to rely on you for eternity, not them.”

You freeze in shock, looking up at him before smiling softly. “Taehyung… you’re such an idiot.”

He grins before scooping you up into his arms, “but I'm your idiot.”

Sighing you wrap your arms around his neck, cradling yourself against his body. “Yes... you are my idiot.”

“I need-,” the line drops and as quickly as it drops it picks itself back up, “blood is everywhere.”

“Tae…” you furrow your eyebrows in confusion, “Why is there blood Tae, what's happening?”

The line cuts out again and everything fuzzes over. “I… he’s bleeding everywhere I ran… please, I need help… there was so..”

“Ta-” You blink in confusion and step back from the payphone you had called him from, staring in shock at the pitch black scenery around it. You bring the receiver back up to your ear, listening to the dead static mix with the torrential downpour outside. You stand in silence for another moment before hanging the receiver back up. Cursing your inability to remember to carry a portable charger, or ever just use your phone responsibly, you grab the umbrella leaned against the glass wall protecting you from the storm. “Was he at home when he called me…?”

All your life spent with Taehyung, he had been a troublemaker. Starting in primary school when he would be the class clown and interrupt lessons. It quickly escalated during high school, however. His small interruptions became non-existent and instead, he either didn't show up at all or left the classroom by being escorted. Within his heart, you knew, he wasn't malicious. He was a broken kid, from an equally as broken family. Someone who tried his best to succeed and when that garnered no effect, his actions escalated. He was extremely intelligent, you knew that much, but his attention became misguided. The people who surrounded him had abandoned him and you in return became the only one who followed him. You were pretty damn sure you would follow him to the end of the earth if it met you could cherish your memories with him once more. The young boy you had known had become a criminal, someone who spent the wee hours of the night in police custody and knew every officer enough to greet them with their full name when they were sent to retrieve him. This crime, however, you could have never seen coming.

Monday morning the rain had steadily begun to fall across Seoul. The week before was filled with people grumbling about a need for rain, now it had been raining for four days off and on and tonight the heavens seemed to open up in order to match the eerie mood of the city. Little to no people were on the streets as it was early morning, you had worked throughout the whole night, and pouring cats and dogs. Opening up the umbrella you dashed outside into the midst of the storm, squinting as the harsh winds picked up and almost blew the umbrella from your hands. You reached an awning and looked around the desolate city, where exactly did Taehyung live again? In all of your life, you had never actually been to his apartment he shared with his mother and father. It was, as he put it, forbidden ground.

You had noticed the scrapes and bruises as a child and even as a teen and now a young adult, but you had always played it off within you head. You figured Taehyung had gotten them from mixing himself in business he shouldn't have, not an uncommon occurrence. Now, however, your mind was gathering the small details you had failed to recognize earlier. While you had never stepped foot into the apartment you had stood outside of it and stared into the devoid eyes of a drunkard before. You had seen the ransacked inside as a child, not being able to place two and two together. Now, as an adult, you wished you only still had that childlike mentality as you head began to race.

Taehyung had come from a violent home, but there was no way he was capable of becoming even more violent than his father, was there? Your eyes widened in fear as you begin to dash haphazardly to the less affluent and populated side of the city. Taehyung had mentioned blood… someone had just injured themselves.. right? There was no way the Taehyung you had grown up could injure someone else. Sure, he had fought on the school yard or in the hallways, but never intentionally. He was mostly there as a protector or a mediator, never an instigator. His crimes didn't involve violence either, most of them just being the defacement of private and public property. Had… had something within him snapped?

This, you realized, had gone too far. Shaking your head in disgust you paid attention to the path you were taking. There was no way Taehyung could have escalated to murder or a violent crime in general. The man who you had taken under your wing, who you had tried to steer in the right direction, he couldn't do something so malicious. However, as you bit your lower lip, you realized that there was always an untamed side to Taehyung. He was never, and never would be completely yours. He was a wild and mislead spirit, no matter how much you didn't want to admit it. The coaching you gave him mostly fell on deaf ears as he continued to involve himself with criminal extracurriculars.

A sudden blast of lightning catches you off guard and you look up towards the sky, finally taking in your surroundings. Sighing you pull the flimsy umbrella closer to you, trying to shelter your already drenched body. Another sudden noise, a siren, catches you off guard as you step closer to the buildings, away from the road, and look towards the road, watching in fear as a group of emergency vehicles zip past you. Your eyes widen in terror as you watch the emergency vehicles disappear around the corner, seemingly going in the direction of Taehyung’s apartment. You stand there in shock, your mind running a mile a minute before your feet begin to move by themselves, dashing down the sidewalk and splashing through puddles of rain.

Although the temperature outside was low, your body was on fire. Your muscles threatened to cease up and your lungs screamed for air as you sucked it in by the mouthful, all while breathing through your mouth. Your breath brought small clouds to life within the air as you continued to sprint, the idea of keeping your umbrella close to you long forgotten. As you reached the last corner you pushed the last bit of energy from your body before slipping and crash landing in a puddle. Groaning in pain your turn your body into its side and watch through half lidded eyes as a black bag is being loaded into an ambulance parked in the uneven parking lot. As your mind fogs over with panic, fear, and the growing bump on the back of your head, your realIze for the first time that your lungs burn even more with the sobs being wretched from within.

As a child, you and Taehyung were partners in crime. You would hide on the playground together, skipped down the side of streets together, and played tag in dirt holes soon to become skyscrapers stretching towards the sky. As you both aged you became focused on your studies and extracurriculars. While Taehyung was a constant companion as your side in your childhood and even had his own space at your house, that quickly vanished. Your parents, noticing his escalating behavior tried to distance you from each other as much as they could. While this worked at home and out of school, you refused to give up on the boy who had been your childhood soulmate. You’d stand outside of classrooms and wait for him daily, wait outside daily, and track him down when he didn't show up to school. You’d done a lot of dumb things and sacrificed a lot of important opportunities chasing after some dumb boy, with equally as dumb stunts.

Now, as an adult, your antics had calmed down. You graduated secondary school and university, landing a scholarship at Seoul National University. Now you had a job and an apartment, one that Taehyung frequently crashed at. You also had a shared group of friends, ones who had succeeded far above expectations. Seokjin, a head chef, was a kind man with a calming present, whose broad shoulders you often shared your sorrows with. Yoongi, a producer who was developing his own label, whose apartment was always open in times of dire caffeine deprivation. Hoseok, a man that owned his own studio, whose eternally happy demeanor was a comfort. Namjoon, a man too wise for his years and aspiring rapper, producer, and lyricist, whose random ass philosopher quotes kept you distracted. Jimin, he ran a YouTube channel and used Hoseok’s studio, whose sincere and gentle gestures kept you smiling ear to ear. Jungkook, he was the youngest and had an unbelievable amount of talent and determination, whose small bunny smile and awkward tendencies caused you to laugh the night away together. Finally, there was Taehyung. He was a strange man, unlike the others he worked at a convenience store and had irregular hours, sometimes you didn't see him for days on end, but that never weakened your relationship. It came as a surprise to no one in the group when you had both agreed to enter a romantic relationship, or when Taehyung had pretty much moved in, at first on your couch, and then the bed. Namjoon, who was also your roommate, hadn’t even realized until one day he sat on a sleeping Taehyung.

Your young adult relationship with Taehyung had been a bit rocky and unstable in the beginning, both of you having drifted slightly from parents and different school courses. As you entered Seoul National University, you had no idea where he was for the majority of the years you were enrolled. The first time you even saw him after finishing university was on another night similar to the one you were currently experiencing.

You had worked overtime that night, having just a normal office job as you applied other places using your degree. The heavens had opened somewhere around 5 P.M. and it was now sometime around 6 P.M. That particular storm was extremely nasty and you could barely see out the window. You had stayed in the office as long as you could before deciding to leave as it seemed as if the storm was never ending. Sighing in a disgruntled fashion, you began to gather your items and pack them up in your satchel before logging off your computer and picking up the umbrella next to your desk. Fearing a power outage, you opted to take the stairs, not wishing to spend a night in a broken down elevator. Reaching the lobby you saw a shadow of a figure illuminated by the emergency lights on inside the lobby. The figure was taking shelter under the awning of the building, a hoodie, you assumed, was soaked through and clung to the figure. Frowning, you walked to the door and opened it, surprising the figure who was leaning against it.

“Holy shit!” The figure managed to gain his balance back before he turned and faced you before his jaw fell slack in shock.

Your eyes widened in surprised too, “Taehyungie…”

A soft grin split his lips apart before m moved forward before pausing, “Err... I would hug you but as you can see the rain and I got in a little spat.”

Laughing as his bizarre as ever explanation you opened your umbrella and looked towards him, “As much as I'm sure we would both love to stand out in the freezing rain, I suggest we go somewhere else.”

“Oh?” His grin widens and he huddles up next to you under the umbrella, “I don’t see you for years and you try to kidnap me?”

“Mhmm.. more like abduct, you’re not a kid anymore.” You pause before handing the umbrella for him to hold. “Actually, I take that back, this is a kidnapping.”

He smiles and takes the umbrella from your grasp, and holding it between the both of you. “And where do you plan on taking me?”

“A place with food and a warm shower, we could both use one.”

“Oh, kinky, I like it.”

“Taehyung!”

He chortled before he began to take large strides and dash down the street, giving you little time to react. Taking a tight hold on your bag you begin to chase after him, two lone figures crossing the empty streets and pavements of Seoul. At some point you reached him and directed him towards your apartment, both of you still laughing and running through the rain, the umbrella long is forgotten and hanging by Taehyung’s side. Squealing, you both manage to dodge into the lobby of the building. Taehyung’s long legs dash across the lobby and begins to rapidly push the elevator button. Your worries about the power going off dissipated as you rushed to his side and squeezed under his arm to tumble into the open elevator before him.

“You little!” He grins and rushes in beside of you, and tries to pin you to the wall but you dodge once more and press the level that your apartment is on. He comes up behind you and grabs your waist, pulling you up into the air. You laugh and lean back against his chest as he walks backward. He drops you back onto the ground and pins you into a corner of the elevator. He leans down and smiles. “I missed you so much…. how long have you been back?”

You smile softly at the sight of his own smile, “A few weeks, I have a temp job at the office you were loitering outside of while I apply to other jobs.”

He nods and leans closer, his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks as he leans closer, his breath blowing across your face. You look up expectantly and bite your bottom lip. “I missed you…” he leans closer and gently presses his lips against yours. “So much it hurts.”

You stare at him and shock and miss the sound of the singing bell. A throat being cleared catches you both off guard and Taehyung turns around as you shuffle to the side in order to face whoever it is. Namjoon, who should be a Psychology major, you swear, stands there with his arms across his chest and keys dangling from his hand. “I was coming to pick you up from work with the car so you wouldn't drown, but I see Taehyung did that for me.” He sighs and turns, walking back to the apartment.

You look up at Taehyung and he backs up and scratches the back of his neck. “We got caught didn’t we?”

You nod and nervously bite your lip before disappearing after Namjoon, Taehyung following your trail. As you enter the apartment, Namjoon is knocking pots and pans around in the kitchen, probably trying to heat up an old soup. Fresh towels are piled onto the end of the counter, forcing Taehyung and you to make awkward eye contact with Namjoon. His face was filled with a grimace—whether it was towards the food or you two, you weren't sure. You pick up a set of the towels and hand it to Taehyung, smiling softly at him before nodding down the hallway. “You know where it is.” You noticed the folded sweatpants and baggy t-shirt next to the towels and pick the clothes up and hand them over to Taehyung as well. “I'm gonna assume these are for you too.” Taehyung nods and smiles before leaning down and pressing a kiss to your cheek and vanishing down the hallway, the sound of the shower turning on following him.

Namjoon clears his throat once again and keeps his focus on the pot, stirring whatever way inside in an endless whirlpool. “So when did that become a thing, you’ve barely seen each other in four years.”

You groans and sit down at the counter, “I have no idea,” you lean your head onto your arm and look at him, “something happened on the way here and in the elevator and.. I just…” your eyes glaze over in thought, “it felt like we never separated..”

“I’m not against it or anything,” Namjoon pauses and looks up to meet your eyes, “but just be careful. I don’t want either of you getting hurt. Especially since we all would have to sit through a hellish game night.”

You grin and pick up a rag sitting on the counter before tossing it in the direction of Namjoon. “Oh shut up! There are more important things in life than just game nights!”

That night was weird. You sat bunched between Namjoon and Taehyung, two of the three of you with towels hanging around your necks and semi-damp clothes. Namjoon was the only one completely dry, as he had his own producer studio in one of the extra rooms and didn’t have to travel out in the rain. You, however, had not expected “light showers” to morph into torrential downpours. You had no idea about Taehyung. Namjoon went to bed early, complaining about “loud ass kids next door who always start partying early and disrupt his beauty sleep.” That night, and the next year, neither you nor Taehyung, acknowledged the unresolved sexual tensions or kiss or seemingly nonexistent space between the both of you.

Your first few years of young adulthood with Taehyung were dumb but nowhere near as dumb as the incident you were in now.

Your head hurt like hell. Your body was cramped. You thought this was the end. Groaning in discomfort you open your eyes slowly, the dim fluorescent lights allowing your eyes to adjust more easily. A soft voice flickers in and out matching your dwindling sight. You groan again and feel a hand cradling the back of your neck and helping cool water dribble down the back of your throat. You cough and spit up some of the water but manage to swallow most of it. A hand rubs the excess water off with a small piece of cloth before pulling the water bottle away. “Hey.. you’re awake..”

Your vision finally focuses in on the looming figure and you raise your eyebrow, “Joonie…?”

He sighs and nods softly before pushing your hair back, “Yes… it's me..” he brushes his fingers through your bangs and for the first time you feel the bandage wrapping around your head. “You had a nasty fall in the rain.”

“Friday… I missed game night..” Your mind feels like it's swimming in soup.

“You and Taehyung both…” he grimaces at the mention of the boy, “Taehyung found you and brought you here… both of you were injured…”

Your eyes snap open and your mind is suddenly over functioning. “He.. he said there was blood and he needed h-.”

Namjoon cuts you off before you can get any more excited, “Hey! Hey.. it's alright. Taehyung found you and brought both of you back here.” He grits his teeth slightly and hesitates while brushing back your hair. “Taehyung… he killed his father. His mother is saying it was self-defense but he fled the crime scene…” he sighs and leans back in the chair he had sat next to the bed, “I’m going to assume that's when he found you with your head split open. What happened?”

Your mind is on the verge of a mental breakdown. Everything merging together and causing it to crash into an error mode. Taehyung had… murdered someone? Not just anyone, but his father? You knew his family was fucked, it wasn't a secret. There were bruises, scrapes, bloody knuckles, and broken bones, you had noticed it all. You just never thought Taehyung was capable of… murder, even if his father was abusive. Then again, you didn't live in the household and truly had no idea what went on in the household. A gentle voice interrupted your ears once again, “Hey.. you okay?”

You snap out of your daze and glance back over at Namjoon, “Sorry, what?”

“I asked,” his mouth turns into a worried frown, “what happened to you..?”

“I,” you furrow your eyebrows, “I slipped on the road, I think, maybe the parking lot… or the sidewalk... I'm not really sure… I,” you pause, “I can't remember much, I remember calling Taehyung from a payphone but he was.. he was crying and screaming about blood.”

Namjoon sighs and runs his hands through his own hair, “I thought so... fuck.”

You close your eyes once more and hold them closer, still trying to process everything, “Is he here…?”

Namjoon sighs, “Yeah.. he's sleeping in my room. He dropped you at the doorway and played ding-dong ditch and ran off to the police station. Then someone called at midnight and it was Taehyung trying to get me to come pick him up. I don't know exactly what's going on… he won't talk to me about anything.”

You frown and sigh softly, “He's.. he's not going to jail will be..?”

“He’ll go on trial, even if it's considered self-defense.” Namjoon rakes his hand through his hair once more. “What happens afterward I'm not sure.” He smiles gently, although you can see the uncertainty on his face, and reaches forward to gently grab your hand and gently brushes his thumb across your knuckles. “We’ll figure this out, all of us.”

You nod and smile back at Namjoon before wriggling your toes and sighing deeply. “I still feel a little weak and fatigued, do you mind?

He drops your hands back to your side and stands up, taking the chair by its back and sliding it back to its resting place. He leans backward slightly, placing his hands on his hips in order to stretch out his back. He shuffles forward before leaning down and brushing back your bangs, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead before straightening back out and heading towards the door. His silent exit leaves you in an ever growing oppressing silence. That night you fall asleep reluctantly, thoughts of the uncertain future plaguing your mind.

A shrill ring in drags you out of your slumber and you jump so high your body drops off the couch. Groaning in pain, you sit up and rub at your lower torso and flip the blanket off of you. Gazing at the tv you sigh as you notice that the screen has flipped to its idle waiting screen. Picking up the remote you shut it off and slam the remote back onto the coffee table. Groaning once more you push yourself up off the ground using the couch and coffee table to balance yourself. Yawning, you trudge to the door while pushing your silky locks back, only to have them flop right back into your face. You fumble around in your pocket and pull out your phone, checking the time and noting that it's close to 2 A.M. Raising an eyebrow in confusion you look towards the visitor screen and press the button, a crackling noise coming along with audio and visual.

“Hey… open…” A visual of a man with a hoodie on appears, the voice; however, you know all too well.

“Taehyung? What the fuck it's two in the morning.” You rub at your eyes once more.

Taehyung groans and begins to speak again, the crackling noise beginning to worsen. “Just press… fucking…”

Rolling your eyes you tap the button to buzz Taehyung into the apartment. Stepping away from the door you begin to shuffle your feet and throw yourself face down on the couch. Soon after, the door swings open and heavy footsteps rush past you and enter the bathroom. Frowning, you slip off the couch and float to the bathroom. Taehyung is hovering above the sink, his hands, which are busted, rifling through the cabinets with the hood still up on his head. Frowning once again, you step up behind him and gently pull the hood down. He looks up and shock and through the reflection of part of the mirror, you notice the gash above his eyebrow.

“Christ Taehyungie…” you step beside of him and slide the glass over as he takes his hands out and grab the medical kit and place it on the counter, “wrap you knuckles out while I get a rag,” you quickly dash to a small closet right outside of the bathroom and grab a rag. Wetting it, you force him to sit on the closed toilet as you begin to wipe the blood away from his forehead and eyebrows. Thankfully, the blood has mostly dried and the gash isn't too deep. “What happened this time?”

He shrugs and flickers his eyes away from yours, sighing and tapping his fingers on his thigh. “Nothing… just a small fight.”

You frown, “Taehyung…” you drop the rag in the sink and open the bandage, “this isn't a small fight. You could've been blinded.”

He pushed your hand away and takes a hold of it after you finish applying the bandage. He pulls your hand to his mouth and presses a soft kiss to your palm. “Please,” he frowns, “please stay out of this. I don't want you getting hurt.”

You sigh and nod, “Fine, but you're staying here for a while.”

He chuckles and nods, “as long as Namjoon-Hyung doesn't sit on me this time.”

You laugh and scoot your body in between his legs. You lean down and press your forehead against his before your sense of the world zones out. In this moment all that matters in the man in front of you. His soft brown hair that brushes against his eyelashes and his gentle brown eyes. His gentle hands, ones full of callouses and scars, but ones that hold your hands between the sheets. You smile and gently press your lips against his own plush, flushed ones. His groans gently and pulls you closer to him, wrapping his arms around your waist. You grin and continue to kiss him. Suddenly, you hear the voice of your roommate and you both immediately pull apart.

“Take your hormones to bed, I need to piss.” Namjoon stands in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. His hair is mussed and his clothes disheveled.

“Well this is embarrassing,” Taehyung grins.

There was no funeral. There were no charges. Taehyung was ultimately found not guilty, his defense of self-protections being supported by his mother. Life went on. Taehyung had officially moved out of the apartment, along with his mother. His mother moved to Daegu, preferring to escape Seoul but not wishing to completely leave the lifestyle of a large city. Taehyung, after helping his mother move, officially became a resident and Namjoon and your own apartment. Everything was looking up, everything was advancing. You had gotten an official job, and the others had all become successful. Taehyung left his job at a convenience store and managed to land a scholarship to a university where he was studying to become a pediatrician. Everything was on an upward slope.

The only thing was, the past was haunting, a stigma that was to mark you all, not matter where the future would take any of you.

“__i love you;”

“_____please, forget me;”

[0xo]

rambling abt life - it's positive but #hospitals and #medical stuff are mentioned

 like chronic pain and illness fucking sucks and it's been fucking up my life but i finally. stood up to the doctors and presented my case for why i think i need certain things and. they AGREED they listened they agreed that it's not good for me to sleep for four hours at a time and twelve hours a day not because i want to but because im so tired and hurt that i physically can't function. they even referred me to the pain management sector which means they're taking me fucking seriously and im so happy ive been fighting since i was in first grade for someone to recognize that something isn't RIGHT especially since i was fourteen and... all that happened. and fuck. fuck!!!!!! 

i actually get to see the psych department and im fuckin hype about it because i want treatment! i want to get better!!!!! i have been working so hard to get better on my own to the point that even the people around me notice, even my mom and dad are impressed 

and that's exactly what i told her, i told her that i work, i have two jobs, i get out of the house regularly, i practice healthy coping mechanisms and purposefully stay optimistic, i exercise and do my physical therapy, i eat well, i drink water, take my meds like i should, i am doing literally everything i can to make myself better and- it's worked! to an extent! but it just proves that there's something genuinely wrong with my body because i'm doing everything i should be and i'm still exhausted, in pain, spaced, all the time, and completely dead to the world half the time. this isn't something yoga/kale/a good attitude will fix 

and she said, yeah kid, you're doing a great job but i agree, you need actual pain management and professional psych help, there's only so much you can do alone and you're doing all of it 

its fucking incredible to be recognized like that and not swept under the rug like i have been with every other fucking doctor at that hospital. but she! she and the rheumy were impressed by my research into symptoms and appropriate treatments and theyre even gonna help me find the best hospital/clinics for when i move to florida and. god im so happy. if i can get my health together i can get my LIFE together i can be a real person 

im in tears i forgot what it was like to be a real human i haven't been one in years and years and years but im. im a person my own person and im alive and for once im happy to be alive. fuck. im gonna move and be with my best friends and be a successful person and make something of myself and FUCK IT im gonna prove to everyone who ever doubted me that they were wrong. as a being i have always been capable of incredible things but lifelong chronic illness kinda gets in the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

but i have a support system and im gonna get the actual help i need and god im alive im alive. i thought i was dead i was always checking my pulse and forgetting to breathe and i thought! i was dead! ghosting through! but im not im not im not im ALIVE and everything is going to be okay. i am so in love with my future self because i know theyre going to be happy and proud of me for fighting so hard so they could be happy.

[adhdvane]

Anon back again, don't worry about delay in answer! I'm not expecting you to reply in a matter of seconds and I'm patient anyway! (●'◡'●) (and yeah, tumblr's notification system kinda suck so really, not your fault haha)

I understand your struggle with fics all too well lol I'm sure a time will come when it just clicks and you can write the good stuff ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ And no need to feel bad if you haven't posted a lot on ao3! You don't have to have 1000 fics or 200k word-long fics for your works to be enjoyable!! Even little ficlets and drabbles are good to have around ♥

It's good of you to have taken time for yourself if you needed it ♥ And yeah, completely understandable to hesitate and come back to fandom in general with the current state of things (a couple years ago I made an IE/Go sideblog and I'm still terrified that someone is going to come up and yell at me for shipping the characters lmao And that's without counting the Problematic™ fics I wrote when I was 16 lmao)

Regarding your tags, I'm just sitting there like starry-eyed because YES TenKyou. I'm DELIGHTED to know that's your preference because that's mine too for the ship asklhjkh

As for Todd and Prof Mirror, that's a tough and personal question, so good luck! (I'm thinking Todd topping's nice but does it make the prof kink better or not is the question!! ALSO in the french version, I know there's a line from Todd going like "Mirror was already being called Professor before he was a professor" so maybe he's not the only one with a prof kink, just from a different angle, hah)

(you say sorry for rambling, but joke's on you, I ramble too! Sorry for clustering your blog though woops Have a good day! (´･ω･`) )

rip, okay, once again i apologize about this one being even later, mostly bc i saw it early, but i haven't been able to sit down and respond to it. this week was the last week of the month so i actually had a lot to do at work and was able to go in every day (as opposed to 1 - 2 days bc business is still so slow). but at the end of the month i do invoicing for inventory charges for that month for each customer. though i was able to actually get a lot of it done sooner than usual (bc i actually started the process on tuesday instead of thursday), there were still three big ones i couldn't even do until thursday bc they had several orders in production that didn't get shipped until thursday. I was going to finally get to this ask on friday when i got home (we only work half days on friday and close at noon)… but the new gbf event had started… and uhg… a sho centric event. g od.

rest of the word vomit under the cut

before i just—IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THIS GBF RAMBLING FEEL FREE TO SKIP BELOW TO THE END THE GBF OF RAMBLE—this event askjdsjkdfslkdjsdjg talk about giving the antag his redemption art event. the emotional growth in sho. so many new assets to save… there are fricking 6 different versions of his character labeled _painful (_painful, _painful2, etc.), and like so many zoom in's that basically every one of his images has an _up version (the battle ones ((the ones of him on his gearcycle)) also have a bunch of _up2 versions that are zoomed in between the default and _up close up) anyways these in particular kill me.

sho "i'm-not-going-to-cry-or-show-expresions-of-gratitude" awkwardly smiling and crying in this event (while also repeatedly getting the shit kicked out of him/getting hurt. having a moment of breaking down from exhaustion and pain, in the rain, before deciding he has to swallow his pride. every single english word that comes out of his mouth, cv: taniyama kishou is a gift (on a side note i can't believe he fucking played alpha in chronostone. like thats fucking hilarious a va and voicalist capable of such range and drama voicing alpha and his serious monotone ass). Sho (@tsubasa): You showed me the light before—[…] Tsubasa: Wait, what? Whaddya mean I showed you the light? ((you mean when he punched you in the fucking face at the end of the previous event of this series?))). I mean I already shipped bc of the their last event, how can you not ship the guy screaming he's going to kill the protag w/the protag esp after getting punched in the face by the protag at the end makes him calm down and be like fine i guess you win i'm not going to try to kill you know and our gangs don't have to fight. also they're both like 16 (or at least tsubasa is canon 16 (a yeas totally looks like a 16 year old) and sho is at least still in school and at least confirmed to be a minor (not age of majority, which idk what that is exactly in universe, could be 18, could be 20, bc it is fantasy, but it's also japanese, thoguh japan's age of majority is actually lowering from 20 to 18 next april (2022), drinking/smoking/gambling age will still be 20, and the comment in this event was about we're still minors save the smoking for when you're an adult). sho could arguably be 18 or 19 and still believably in school and be considered a minor legally (if in universe gbf follows japanese laws) considering the time he spent in juvie he could easily have been held back. gbf will probably just make him tsubasa's age if a canon age is release. but thinking about sho being 19 and tsubasa being 16 would make some ppl upset and that brings me joy. (also just how funny it could be thinking about (bc everyone is perpetually the same age) how later when sho a year older and legally being able to drink, and tsubasa not, and despite the fact sho being like i will break the laws about physically assaulting a guy but underage drinking, smoking, and drugs is a no-no is fucking hilarious. (the app is rated t so i guess there's only so much you can do…) (oh and one last note, a character in the event asking if sho enjoys the pain and is a masochist, to have other character be like dude you can't just ask someone that. sho saying no he doesn't enjoy the pain. only for later when they are escaping, a character noting "You look rather happy about all this. Now I'm sure youre a masochist." gbf first crushing my sho masochist headcanon and then building it back up in this event, thank u gbf). anways, rip that was a lot and not even everything, as you can see i have been… distracted by this event. apologies

—END OF GBF RAMBLE—

oh god worry about ppl like that in ina like, there really people out there who don't want you shipping ficitional children?????? and the main ina cast is roughly between 12-15. and got i started watching ina in 2013 when i was 19. which apparently for some people is like bad uwu because it's a show for young teenagers (like lol too bad i'm 27 and even though i haven't kept up with aries i still love ina and all the little babies and wont stop shipping). i didn't even know there was people out there who get UPSET AT AGING UP??? like wtf???? sorry i want them to be old enough to marry, adopt children, have a job, and also f.uck. the dpk au is my lifeblood (and has a lot of Problematic™ content that's never even been posted online anywhere bc it used to be an rp. my favorite is that out of all the relationships in the au, tenma and kyousuke's is probably the most unhealthy bc of kyousuke's mental health. some very bad things happened to fei (per request of my rp partner) (part of vanfeny and garsha's revenge on saru as they were sent to megun while saru walks around ''free'' (what exactly is free is a whole other lore mess in itself that i wrote up about post chrono stone future). and that just lead to more bad things fei then did to himself. problematic™ content 9492347 in the dpk au, shipping ozrock and lalaya. (even worse, bc of lore planning i did for the au and decided how their species worked, lalaya is about 6.5 cycles (faram obius years) or roughly 130 earth years and biologically similar to 13 year earth years, and ozrock is about 48 Ixal years roughly 48 earth years and biologically similar to 24 earth years. so like even a worse ship. i mean just ignore cultural norms would be different on an alien planet and also she's royalty and has an obligation to be wed even younger and is probably socially more mature than a human 13 year old. rip sorry i just like alien stuff. a lot of this was also because wouldn't it be great for lalaya to have a really long lifespan so the human friends she makes get older faster and also die way before her :) ina's gunna hurt me with the bug aliens then i'm going to… continue to hurt myself with more alien life span stuff.)

Anyways, With TenKyou, idk I think it's easy to paint tenma as the innocent ~pure baby~ and kyousuke as ~bad boy~ bc of the first inago… and seed kyousuke was a little bastard man (affectionate). which would idk explain the default to kyouten. but like kyousuke chills the hell out in chrono stone and galaxy. and just bc tenma is a dumbass with a heart of gold obsessed with soccer doesn't necessarily mean he's has to be ~innocent baby 受け~ trope. (not that these are the only tropes that decide) (maybe it's bc i sort of like messing with what it must be like to be the main protagonists best friend and watch him continue to overcome everything and be in the spot light and how everyone praises him. kyousuke with self-esteem issues, looking back at all the problems he's caused, tenma has flaws but they're either negligible or something to love about him and mine have only hurt others. disregarding his own goddamn plot armor in the past. complex, emotional, suffering kyousuke is how i like my kyousuke. need we even get into how god eden was canonically revealed to be physically/mentally abusing seeds and that whole can of worms) (also just "nervous baby i don't know how to approach tenma" kyousuke, "cheeky little shit doesn't have any regards to personal space and boundries" tenma) at least if anyone starts giving me shit about an ina ship or problematic fictional ina content, i can always respond with something i drew back in 2015.

back to the matter of new snap though… that line is so familiar (im pretty sure it's in the eng txt, i have it set to jpn audio tho). i recently started keeping a log of the messages that pop up on the camp, lab, and map screens (but haven't saved too many bc i get distracted or at least i know i'm missing quite a few i have vague memories of). (also idk why my first thought to that line was mirror responding with "That was because you were the one calling me that.") there actually were a couple messages i saved initially that would be useful for fic writing:

Todd: "The professor used to be kinda reckless back in the day. I suppose after 10 year he must've calmed down a bit."

and

Mirror: "Todd's calmed down since I last saw him. Or maybe he's just acting mature because you kids are around…"

possible implications from these that I'm deciding to consider for headcanons:

both reckless and wild in their early 20's but that's not unusual, so they were acting like reckless young adults when they were 20. makes sense.

because mirror mentions the last time i saw him (which is definitely implied not 10 years ago since todd had a research team pin so obviously he's been around a bit since the lab was established) meaning todd is potentially still a chaotic bastard but is just trying to act like an adult in front of the kids. beautiful.

and on that note another wonderful Tood message:

Todd: "I never invited Phil to be my pupil—he just declared himself my "number one student" and started tagging along! But honestly…I was kind of flattered."

the possibility that when todd showed up in game, after that cutscene he went to talk to mirror like "this 10 year old just started following me and wont go away, pls help. what do i do?????"

this unsupervised 10 year old just followed a ~30 year old man into the wilderness and somehow just declares todd is mentor (and took the research team pin from todd to ''borrow''). this is a hostage situation. todd is the hostage.

the idea that perhaps todd just got back from a long expedition and was glad to be back and spend time with mirror, except this kid started following him around and wont leave him alone or go away, and then when he got to the lab there were two more kids there. how the fuck am i supposed to get it on with mirror when we have little alone time and when we finally do we're constantly at risk of being interrupted and/or walked-in on. (that last part was mainly the premise of the fic i wanted to write. "these kids are a handful how are we supposed to have intimate time. especially bc they're all so young and have child energy levels and when they go to bed i am already fucking exhausted." i'm thinking it might work better as like a drabble collection, that way i don't have to adhere to a plot line and can pick and choose scenarios to write because i keep winding up with more scenario ideas that i can nearly piece together into a coherent timeline anymore.)

(also a bit that rita becomes suspicious that they are 100% fu.cking even though all that happened was mirror wasn't asleep up in his bed above the lab and fell asleep in one of the bungalows w/todd and then tried to cover it up like haha what no, i was checking on todd he's not feeling well uh… what? where are my pants? oh. oh i can't believe i just totally got out of bed and left the lab without my pants haha.) (todd and mirror just trying to keep their relationship a secrete out of fear of rumors spreading and it affecting the lab's funding, even though rumors definitely started ages ago but neither of them realize). (also todd doesn't trust phil to keep his mouth shut and doesn't like the optics of the random 10 year old who started following him (UNSUPERVISED) just blabbing to his parents about how his cool mentor is dating the professor at the lab like yikes that could end badly worst case scenario.)

(i like the idea of mirror playing along with todd's ki.nk, albeit a little awkward sometimes (not very good at being intentionally 'sexy' about it, but that's not what todd wants anyways bc it's already inherenty sexy for him). Phill has a message "I barely get half the stuff the professor talks about. Do you?" and i can only image if he said that to todd

todd: （人*´∀｀）i know it's hot

phil: what)

anyways i hope you don't mind me rambling even more on your asks like this. last time i totally just cut chunks out to be smaller but this time… i'm going to leave things in rip.