#im done with myself and i hate what a terrible person i am and no matter what i do i never improve

[cavity-collector]

i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

[tortademaracuya]

With the way i keep witnessing horrible things lately I hope i witness my death soon

[missingininaction]

alright, friends, i might say something you don't like but i think it's important. not just to defend a character, but because i think this is literally making people's experience and relationship with this game worse.

give jimmy like two seconds to exist.

by hating jimmy so much you refuse to even say his name, and judge real, living people for liking him, you are cheapening your experience by boiling down the main character to the most ~yuckiest~ moments. and, by not making a seperate space for hating on him, you are drowning out the voices of people who actually have nuanced things to say about his character. you know, the skilled writers and artists that feed the fandom? limitation is what kills fandoms, you have to know that.

is jimmy a good person? no. is he a good captain/companion/worker? Absolutely Not! he crumbles like dust under any pressure and he immediately shifts blame off of himself, he is an actively harmful individual and it's right to be upset by his actions. i literally had to stop myself from saying "man FUCK jimmy." multiple times because i didn't want to spoil how terrible he got to my friends when i showed the game to them.

but you have to understand; people are more than their actions. thats part of the entire point of the game. thats why its so abstract. you are meant to think about the nuances of their situation.

we can agree that anya was way more as a woman than what happened to her and what she did as a result of it, right? that despite her best efforts, she was a victim of circumstance, and she deserves to be understood and analyzed fully?

then why, seeing a fictional man who has done immoral things, are you so disgusted you won't even draw, write or discuss him outside of hate? what is that doing for you, to ignore literally the main character of the game because of his actions?

now, this is not to say people can't hate jimmy. i understand it! as someone who has been a victim of s/a and abuse, i understand if you hate him and are even triggered by him to the point of avoiding mention of him. (but...why are you in this fandom? ((not aggressive im genuinely asking)))

you can feel however you want about any character, my goal is not to control people. but i thought it was common knowledge to not hatepost about someone in their tag? over actual insight into his character and, you know, the main themes of the game?

jimmy is a man who has struggled his whole life. both him and curly confirm that in the game. he's unable to control his emotional outbursts, and he likely had no idea what to expect from being in fucking SPACE for over a year with people he probably didn't even know before that trip. and pony express and their corporate safety corner cutting certainly didnt help, did it?

for one reason or another, he most likely was never actually taught how to manage his emotions. that's just how it is sometimes, growing up as a man. and it would make sense if he was forced to deal with everything himself, no? he always complains, but he still says he'll handle it. because that's what he's always had to do. and this is just the start of what i could say about what made him the way that he is.

he's a victim too, not only of his own actions.

surprise surprise, people who do awful things can also be victims.

honestly, this entire situation baffles me. how are you going to avoid one of the main characters of the game, let alone the one you play as ninety percent of the time? mind you, curly is also guilty, and i am happy to see at least some people giving him space for nuance. because he is also a victim!!! why is it so impossible to see jimmy as nuanced, when literally every other character also has incredible depth to them??

you're tarnishing and spitting on the beautiful writing of this game just because one character is too icky for you to feel comfortable thinking about for too long. it's horror, you absolute morons. it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.

if you hate jimmy, i dont blame you. but please, please, make your own space for it. be kind to people who want to explore jimmy and the darker themes, and like him for what his character represents. this is a video game fandom, not a witch hunt. and please, learn some fandom etiquette while you're at it, okay? okay. thank you

also just say his name. its not a slur youre not gonna go to hell if you say jimmy. like this isn't as important but still it just feels like a microcosm of this whole thing.

[raviollies]

actually no im gonna yap

im trying SO HARD to gaslight myself into liking veilguard but so many narrative choices just make me scratch my head. I AM NOT DONE, I currently gotta go to Weisshaupt.

I'll start with things I like so far:

1. I think the game is really pretty and I like the puzzles :) Antiva is GORGEOUS, I think one of the prettiest areas in the entire series.

2. I really like the Minrathous/Treviso choice. More of that please! some actual drama and consequence!

3. Assan is adorable and I cannot walk past without petting him. I didn't anticipate myself liking Davrin so much since I'm usually drawn to magic babies over warriors, but he's probably my favourite alongside Bellara. I think him having left his clan is very interesting narrative choice (I am totally not biased considering it's very similar to Daee's story)

4. Thank you lord almighty for the wardrobe/mirror system. Godbless.

5. Everytime Lucanis speaks I think of Puss in Boots and that brings me great joy. Whimsy even.

6. When you place Tevinter decor in the lighthouse, they have a Hookah right beside a fresco of Solas killing Mythal and that is mind bogglingly hilarious. I do love that the Shadow dragons know how to unwind. We're turning up after fighting for elf rights.

7. Solas surviving entirely on meat, raisins and honey feels very r/malelivingspace

Things I am Not Liking So Far

1.Minrathous feels utterly toothless. Its described as terrible, den of slavery, conversion therapy through blood magic, treatment of elves being terrible - yet we walk around unimpeded. I expected a similar experience as the Winter Palace, or fights that could be avoided if playing as a human.

LAVELLAN is introduced in the TEVINTER TAVERN, wearing TEVINTER CLOTHING, like it doesn't...make much sense to me? Inquisition set up the cross roads with Morrigan AND the Inquisitior, it feels like it would have made much more sense narratively not just from..."I am the fucking Inquisitor In Fucking Minrathous" but "Solas and the crossroads are a vital connecting point of these characters story."

Speaking of Inquisitor, wildly bizarre to me that neither Solas nor Varric comment on you meeting them. Solas has a weird painting of the Inquisitor chair, but you meet the mf face to face and he just does't acknowledge it. I am not a Solavellan player but I felt Really Bad For Them In That Moment.

I think a good moment of comparison is the difference in tone of DAI and DATV...When we find out the orb is elven in DAI, Solas warns us to keep it to ourselves, with Lavellan even remaking that the world will blame us for Corypheus. In DATV, we inform everyone that Elven gods are attacking, and there's no thought or conversation about the impacts of that on Elves in society. The only one to mention it is Davrin way after we've been spilling the beans left and right.

2. I'm not done the story but hey has anyone mentioned we haven't fought a single Fen'Harel agent, what's up with that... I expected to be fighting Elves based on the epilogue in Tresspasser but ?? ???

3. I'm sorry I HATE THEM DISREGARDING THE WELL OF SORROWS IN FAVOUR OF MORRIGAN WHEN SOLAS MAKES A HUGE DEAL OF YOU BEING TIED TO MYTHAL IF YOU DRANK FROM THE WELL. Oh sorry, if it was unimportant then why the fuck did you go on a monologue about how you're "her creature" and connected to her. It felt like a retcon of the importance placed on it in Inquisition and how much of a deal both Solas AND Morrigan make about it. I'm sorry picking a ROMANCE was more important than acknowledging THIS?? ? ??

"But Ravie, they can't account for Inquisitors personality and making them important would piss people off" then just kill them off. If they're set on Morrigan carrying this piece of narrative, I would have written the Inquisitor off the table before the choice becomes relevant. Have them help you in the ritual at the start of the game and die. I feel similarly about Varric, because he feels like the writers stuffed him in the closet to not talk which just...JUST KILL HIM. Its better than being relegated to furniture!!!!

3. Speaking of Morrigan why the hell is so nice. This is not my beautiful mean witch wife. In fact everyone is nice. Even hardened Lucanis has been polite to me.

4. I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH ROOK. I profoundly hate starting off friends with Varric (and him getting shelved like what was the point). It ruins a lot of initial RP for character establishment, because it limits how the player character FEELs about the whole thing, your motivations are GIVEN to you. Furthermore, it feels like rook HAS an established character. I don't feel like I got to play my rook, just say things slightly differently based on an already established character. I dont feel like I am roleplaying a custom character, just as Biowares stand in protagonist. Maybe I'm just spoiled by the level of interaction that BG3 provided me.

The opening sequence is bizarre to me, because IF I MAKING THE STORY....I would have had the introductory quests for each of the companions be the first quest based on the faction you select (Shadow dragons with Neve, Mournwatch with Emmerich, Crows with Lucanis etc. etc.) That way you establish your character based on the faction and immediately get a little tutorial on what kind of character you're going to be playing. I would even keep the introductory quests the same with minor dialogue tweaks. The ritual would come after the tutorial prologue mission and then you start with Harding and the companion you got introduced with, since the order you get them...really doesn't matter or impact anything.

5. I think the Venatori and Antaam following Elven Mage Gods is kinda dumb. Sorry. I thought they both looked down on them for being either Elves or Mages/didn't even acknowledge them. What the hell is their goal anyway

My criticisms comes down to...I don't know what themes the game is trying to tackle? The game SAYS things but doesn't actually do anything with these topics. Minrathous HAS a slavery problem but we don't see it. Treviso is ruled by a faction of assassins but it's like a good thing! Elven gods are responsible for everything wrong in the world, but the narrative implications of what that means for modern elves are acknowledged in passing like acknowledging the weather. The game feels hesitant to actually unpack any of these things despite being the one to put them on the table.

Anyway I am going to finish the game and probably play on Daee with a Solavellan Inquisitor to see if that improves my experience by picking a character who is more tailored to the Rook they portray/not having an emotional connection to the Inky, but atm...Man I Had Hopes. Made me feel stupid for getting so hyped up for a conclusion to a story arc for a character THEY SPECIFICALLY LEFT ON A CLIFFHANGER FOR A DECADE. I'll just draw art, lie face down in the ground and imagine a more narratively satisfying conclusion to my Inquisitors story.

[whowantslovergirl]

bad idea right?

Topper Thornton x reader (reader is female with she/her pronouns)

warnings: cursing, um just y/n being a dumb bitch tbh, this is obviously inspired by the song 😫, slightly suggestive, bold words are the lyrics, this in your pov, HOPE YOU ENJOY MY LOVERSS 🤍

outer banks masterlist

Summary: Y/n knows it bad that she keeps going to Topper but omg look at him!!!!

posted: February 28,2024

Me and Topper broke up a couple months ago. We were the golden couple and I was way better than Sarah (in my opinion) I didn’t have cold feelings toward Sarah but I didn’t think she was the best person. Sorry getting off topic but I miss Topper and I have this bad habit of going back to him. I know it’s a bad idea but guys look at him!

______

“Come on you have to come! Yes Topper might be there but it doesn’t matter.” My friend Bianca said trying to convince me to go to this party.

Of course I wanted to go but he’s going to be there. I am not going.

_____

I went.

I saw him and he saw me but I quickly went the other way before anything happened. I mean I haven't heard from you in a couple of months. And you just expect me to just hop back into your arms. Yes I want to do something about it but I'm out right now, and I'm all fucked up, wayyy too fucked up and I don’t wanna go back that road.

______

I have been here for a couple of hours and Topper still haven’t left. He never stays this long. After dancing for a while I got a little tired so I went to get a drink. And fucking Topper is also getting drinks. I try to ignore him and do what I have to do but that obviously didn’t work.

“Hey Y/n.”

Fuck.

“Hey Top.” I avoid eye contact. “How you doing?” He sounds nervous. “I’m doing good, what about you?” He shrugs. “I been alright better now I’m with you.” You just roll your eyes.

Once you’re done with the drinks you leave or at least try too. He grabs my arm not enough to hurt but his grip is pretty tight. We make eye contact and I can feel myself getting lost in his eyes again. And I know we're done, I know we're through.

But, God, when I look at you

“Come over N/n.” Only he calls me that and it still has the same effect on me. And I hate that. I should probably, probably not. “I don’t know Top.” He cuts me off. “Please N/n, I just wanna see you.”

“I’ll think about it. I will text you later.” Then I walk away to tell Bianca what the fuck just happened.

______

Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?

“It’s a bad idea right?”

“Um yes?! Y/n you spent months crying and now he says two words and you’re at his feet?! Stand on business!”

“I am! But he seemed pretty sincere.”

“Fuck being sincere. Y/n don’t do stupid shit.”

“Ok! I’ll text him no.”

“Good now I’m going to dance. Text him no.”

She left and once she’s out of sight. I text him.

n/n 🩷

im coming over

Seein' you tonight, fuck it, it's fine

______

I went over and we fucked like really fucked. He dropped me off and right now we’re pulling up to my house. “Bye Top.” “Bye N/n.” We kissed for a little bit then I finally left the car.

Bianca’s going to pissed.

______

“What the fuck?!”

“I didn’t mean too! It just happened.”

“Y/n.”

“Yes, I know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect? I only see him as a friend.”

That was the biggest lie I ever said.

“You are such a liar! So friends fuck now? Wow! I did not know that!” I can tell she’s being sarcastic.

“And you’re wearing his shirt!” I looked down and I am indeed wearing his shirt. “My clothes were dirty he was just being nice.”

“You’re so delusional I can’t.”

“It wasn’t my fault! I just tripped and fell into his bed.”

“You are terrible Y/n! Don’t let it happen again.”

She knows it’s gonna happen again.

______

“No she definitely had sex with him.” Me, Bianca and some other friends were just gossiping about people we don’t like at the country club. Then I got a text from no other than Topper. “Hey I gotta go to the bathroom real quick.” I say while walking towards the bathroom to answer his text.

top 🩷

Can you come over tonight n/n??

n/n 🩷

yea I’ll be there ml <3

As I’m walking back I’m smiling. I’m so excited to see him.

______

On my way to Topper and I told my friends I was asleep, but I never said where or in whose sheets.

I’m finally here it felt like it was forever since I’ve seen him and I pull up to your place, on the second floor. And you're standin', smiling at the door.

“Hey N/n. I missed you.” We hugged and stayed there for a while. “Top it’s only been 24 hours.” I said while laughing and he slowly joined in. “24 hours too long.” He said while pulling away and looking into my eyes. And I'm sure I've seen much hotter men, but I really can't remember when.

______

There was another party and everyone was there. Even Topper. I was dancing with Bianca and I can feel eyes on us, I turn and see Topper smiling at me and he sent a little wave. I waved back then he made a come here motion. I nodded and he went to a secluded spot. “Hey Bianca I’m getting something to drink, you want anything?” She shook her head and continued dancing.

I started to follow him and couldn’t find him anywhere. Then I felt arms around me. “Oh my god! Get off you weirdo!” You try to pull him off then he started laughing. You turned around and saw Topper. You slapped his arm. “You’re an asshole.”

“Hey I’m very sorry, just wanted to scare you.” He started to hug me and I hugged him back. “Can you come over tonight?”

I should probably, probably not

“Um ok.” You smiled and gave him a kiss and you both walked back to the party.

This can’t be a good idea. I’m slowly starting to see why we broke up in the first place. He’s getting possessive again. Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?

______

Seein’ you tonight, fuck it, it’s fine

Whatever I’m bored anyway.

______

It happened again. I fucked Topper and it was better than other times and yes, I know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect?

______

“Y/n…..”

“I only see him as a friend” Again that is the biggest lie I ever said.

“Y/n I’m only saying this because I’m your friend but you’re becoming old y/n, making excuses defending him when he treated you like shit.”

“And before you said but we. Yea you guys were cute together but everyone slowly saw what was going on behind closed doors.”

Bianca is a really good friend and I understand what she’s saying and I appreciate what she’s saying but I only see him as a friend, I just tripped and fell into his bed.

Right?

______

Then it was excuse after excuse.

“We’re just fuck buddies.”

“I ended it anyway.”

“I just tripped and fell into his bed you know?”

______

I’m getting really fucking tired of Topper. Right now he’s yelling about something and I’m just zoning him out.

“Are you even listening Y/n?! Do you not understand how this would make someone upset?!”

“Why are you yelling at me? I can't hear my thoughts Topper.”

“I’m not yelling, It’s just-.” Before he could finish I just left. I can hear him screaming behind me but I really couldn’t care less.

But I know it’s gonna be the same thing anyway and the same excuse.

‘I just tripped and fell into his bed’

An: AGHHHHHSHEIDND ngl i lowkey cooked on this but HOPED YOU ENJOYED MY LOVERSSSS 🤍🤍🤍🤍

[straycalamities]

alright i been meaning to do this so:

what is and is not allowed to be done with any of my characters! this includes art, fics, edits, headcanons, whathaveyou

[general content/trigger warning for uncomfortable, possibly-triggering topics because this is mainly the gist of what i dont want to see]

x = never ? = ask for permission

do nots: x - no noncon (if you engage to work through your feelings, never make my characters the perpetrators, it skeeves me out) ? - no genderbends/sexswaps/whatever they're called anymore? idk just don't mess with their gender, pronouns*, or assigned-sex-at-birth as a general thing unless i already have or okayed you directly. triple-especially if they're not cis x - respect their romantic orientations/sexualities! if you don't know a character's then you can ask me, but yeah. ie: don't ship andrew with women, he's homosexual x - [NSFW] absolutely no ageplay kinks or anything like that with my characters. no raceplay. just..nothing like that. x - no pregnancy. no mpreg. no omegaverse. none of it. (i've come a long way from it being straight-up a trigger but still, yea,) i have had some of my characters naturally be pregnant/have babies but i'd rather handle it myself, if you know what i mean x - this is a duh, but nothing hateful/bigoted using my characters. like, for instance, i do joke abt shit and say mainverse!entre is a conservative but don't unironically use him for anything awful like that. joking/memeing around about his terrible political stances is fine though x - i would never write or have my characters telling anyone to "kill yourself" so please don't have them say stuff like that. even if it's a joke. it makes me uncomfortable. (there may be a few exceptions in my giant roster of ocs but as a general rule just avoid it) x - never use my ocs likenesses or art of them as art for your own ocs. that's never okay. my ocs designs are for my own characters only.

*it's okay to have neopronoun headcanons

okay! generally anything i havent said isn't okay IS okay, but just so anyone reading this has a clearer idea

it's okay to use my characters for expressing yourself, venting, or just personal stuff like that. if my characters help you through something, go ahead and express it. i'm happy they help :)

playing around with gender presentation (not gender) is perfectly okay with any of my characters

shipping in general is fine as long as it doesnt go against the don'ts list. i dont care who you ship them with

[NSFW] i'm okay with pretty much any other kinks other than anything that goes into noncon, bigotry, or underage so go wild even if it's not my thing personally i don't care. (ie: the swagtre piss fic? lol im not a watersports guy but chase your bliss)

my characters are all free game for anything horror themed as well. horror as a genre, body horror, psychological horror, whatever. go for it. i have a personal major squick for eye gore but i can handle (and enjoy) pretty much anything else in this realm. go as gorey or not as you like (just tag appropriately for other ppls sakes)

handling self-harm/suicide idealization themes is technically? okay? for my characters? just uh...be respectful i guess. and definitely tag appropriately. this theme is canon for a few of them so i am okay with it just handle it with care is what i'm saying

go ham-buck-wild with mental illness headcanons or projections or anything like that. i dont think i have an oc that doesn't have at least something, so if you see yourself in their symptoms, go for it. only some of them i have personal labels for some of their stuff but otherwise it's whatever. just be respectful, again.

kinning is also okay! kin, synpath anything like that. go ahead! go wild with it. i think it's neat. just be respectful.

and an important note to all of this, other than being respectful to others and the characters themselves, is to respect me. just because it's okay that you do it with my character, doesn't mean i have to agree with it or make it canon or anything like that. it just means i gave you permission to engage like that. so please don't come to me trying to ask or force me to change something about my own characters or get so lost in your headcanons you start to disrespect what i've established myself

and if you ever have any questions about them or any of this, just let me know. i'm always happy to help

also yet again DONT REPOST MY NSFW ART ARGHHHH!!!

[ryomaandgundhamkin]

GIVE @cannibaleclipseau HEADCANON ASKS ASK THE CHARACTERS ANYTHING IT CAN BE UNHINGED IDC JUST LIKE DHCHCHXHXJXH👹👹‼️‼️ ARGHGHDJDHXHD JUST SEND ME ANYTHING TO THERE… BRO I GET FREAKKNG 1 NOTIFICAGION ON THERE EVERY DAY. 😨 YES IT IS A ASKBLOG YES IT IS A RPBLOG YES IT IS VERY MUCH INACTIVE … you running out of ask ideas?? YOU CAN ASK BM, MOON, SUN OR ECLIPSE ANYTHING (maybe not the others but uh)… JUST. AGDUUDUDUFJCJDH 💔 please I fucking love attention guys. IM SORRY IM LIKE THIS BUT… please? one fucking ask is all I’m asking gays 😼… Like I GET ITS WIP BUT LIKE YOU CAN FIND OUT LORE IF YOU ASK… IDFC about my 100 other WIPS I have, I have way too much free time to just be getting off to fucking cai/j. 💀 call me fucking selfish I deserve it but dude it’s a fucking deserted island in my au blog. Am I not meeting up to your expectations? JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IM DOING WRONG‼️ please you can be honest i swear. Like… i love you guys don’t get me wrong but im sorry im like this. im fucking needy and my satisfaction lasts fucking 1 millisecond 🤩!! JUST. Tell me what you want from me. And you shall receive. FUCK SCHOOL at this point. Im throwing away my social and emotional life for this stupid fucking art career. and for what..? am I really even that good. 💀 … listen I’m sorry for being such a bitch right now but i know I’m a fucking terrible person and I just want you to forgive me on that, I fucking require attention to live or ill never be satisfied. You can vote for the deletion of the blog if you want, it’s not even a big deal… 😨 all im asking is one ask and I’ll be satisfied I swear, thanks. I’m so sorry I’m like this and that you have to deal with me being such a… pain. might as well just delete it huh. I mean it was already painful to constantly be on Deviantart, what’s different? I’m destroying my life doing… everything. I WILL NOT FUCKING GET OVER HOW MUCH I AM DEDICATED TO THIS THING I KNOW WILL RUIN MY LIFE EVEN MORE, no matter how many times you convince me🤩… and I’m tired. I’m just really tired. I usually don’t write anything like this online and post it because I don’t want anyone here dealing with my emo self-hatred crap. So I’m really sorry, about everything I’ve done. All I’m asking is an ask and I won’t kill myself‼️/hj. but this whole thing mentally gets really bad for me, and I can get really suicidal but I just pretend I’m fine. I’m really sorry for asking so much of everyone, and I just want everyone to know that I am so so so grateful for all of the support I’ve gotten from my followers, moots and everyone. Be honest and tell me my au is shit. Yes I agree okay. I’m sorry I’m so terrible, I know I’m a terrible person. I don’t want to seem like I’m overreacting with this. Please don’t think of me differently because of this, I’m sorry I’m typing all of this out for everyone to read. I’m sorry you have to deal with me rambling about something so simple that I could’ve just… simply asked about. Like I know I probably sound so selfish and attention-seeking because… that’s just who I am, I’m sorry. But I don’t really care at this point, I’m just… like this 😇. And I hate that I’m reflecting this on everyone who looks up to me. So please… Im sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m actually so sorry about all of this, and me making such a big fucking deal out of a SIMPLE PROBLEM. If you think I should do anything differently, please tell me. I’d be glad to listen to any feedback you have. But for now… I hope I can get along with everyone on both blogs. And I understand that my other blog won’t MAGICALLY blow up the next morning I make it. So I’m sorry for being so annoying, so self-centered and so… selfish. I’ve never really… cared about any of you guys. But I don’t want to come off as rude, that I’m using you even if I am. Im sorry im like this way, im sorry im such a terrible and selfish person. I’m sorry i just… get so emotional when i do this shit. Please don’t take this that seriously. And please don’t judge me for being so immature. I am so very grateful to everyone, but I’m sorry I’m like this. Bye.

[a-rabid-snake]

Hey Snake. I’ve deliberately tried to stay out of the recent drama with Piku_Niku, but it seems to be petering out now that you’ve apologized. So I just want to say something.

I don’t think you’re a terrible person. What you did was wrong, and you don’t need me to tell you that. But you have apologized. You are clearly remorseful. Past actions are in the past, and it seems you’ve mostly amended them. So Id just like to request you stop beating yourself up over it.

Those words are not who you are, nor do they have to be. You can work to improve, and I like to think you’ve set on trying. I’m proud of you for apologizing, and I imagine some others are to. Now you have to figure out how to be better.

I don’t know, honestly, I’m just worried about you Snake. I don’t want you to hate yourself. I don’t think you should hate yourself. You should be angry and disappointed, but wallowing like you seem to be isn’t helpful. This quarrel doesn’t have to be who you are, and you have already taken the first step to making that so.

Im sorry, this is probably incoherent. And you probably think you don’t deserve anyone to defend you. But… I care about you Snake, and I want you to be better. I want you to be okay. Even after you said and did the things you did. As long as you’ve apologized, truly apologized, to Piku and their friends… I think it’s best to let it go.

Much love to both you and Piku. I hope things are going well for the two of you and your friends. And I hope you can learn and be better, rather than wallow in self hatred.

You know, I'll never understand why your text contains so much emotion and so much kindness. You're a very good writer.

Yes, maybe I should get better, at least try, but it's hard to love yourself when no one has taught you. I would say that I never paid attention to myself, and did not think of myself as a person who also needs to be taken care of.

I want to leave all the posts, I know that I have a bad memory, and they will be a reminder that I made a mistake and I should not allow it anymore

(now I don't want to cause pity, just to speak out) I don't believe in God. I'm a skeptic, so to speak, but to console myself, I turn to my dead cat with some kind of request. It's stupid, yes, but when I asked him to give me someone who would love me for who I am and tolerate my idiotic antics, I should have guessed that these people were already here, maybe I just didn't guess and didn't notice it

Okay, now I understand that I said something stupid, I'm sorry, just a little calm to make it easier to perceive the past.

But yes, I accept everything that I have done and everything that I will do, my words and my actions, this is my responsibility and I will be ready to answer for them if this happens again

[v-anrouge]

Addressing and apologizing for the mistreatment and harassment i caused for @twstchatterbox

Long post under cut.

i’ve recently reached out to someone i have hurt a lot continuously due to my own selfishness; Rubia. i’d like to apologize to her. to make things brief we dated a system's alters and would all talk to each other multiple times a day because of it. Everything seemed to be going fine until one day Rubia reached out to me with a text warning me about the fact she'd be taking a mental health break due to her social battery being low, of course seeing that my first thought was panic and that surely ive done something terrible, despite her attempts to assure me that it wasn't the case. i blocked her because seeing her hurt me, and i was convinced i was right in the situation, and that Rubia was some heartless monster. i have gone out of my way for about two years now to spread rumors about her, participated in a hate club, went out of my way to ruin her friendships and isolate her, I was ruining her social life and it made me happy. It doesn't matter how I feel anymore because this is all my fault and I was disgusting.

I know i already sent you an apology but ill gladly do it again, even if you do not forgive me, because it's a totally understandable thing to do. Back when this happened all i could think of was myself, how sad i was how hurt i was and looking back on it i really feel just disgusted with myself and how i dared play victim when your note clearly showed you were not okay mentally, instead of being a good friend and wishing you a good recovery, i immediately treated you like you had betrayed me and completely disregarded everything you told me in that note. None of what happened was your fault, clearly if i had been cut off it was because i was also doing damage, and instead of apologizing i decided to treat you rudely, and i really truly do regret my actions. It's even more disgusting to take in the fact i continuously painted you as a terrible person when i check the way i answered to you reaching out and trying to be friends again, instead of asking for an explanation instead.

In the server i was in had two people who also constantly insulted and painted Rubia as a monster, one of them being the person she considered her internet little sibling at the time; hikaru and the other one is our ex, which id rather not mention. In that server we'd constantly talk about Rubia in a negative way that only served to make us dehumanize her even more, it started at first with simple venting made by hikaru because of the way they felt betrayed and hurt by being abandoned when they genuinely considered themselves siblings, then i joined in where we'd blame and insult Rubia for cutting us off completely ignoring the reasoning behind her decision, the system, who created the server then joined in, at first only expressing how they felt rubia didn't see them as a system but rather just as the alter she dated, painting their relationship as abusive and saying Rubia was causing the alter to almost go dormant. with our constant slander i only started to hate and see rubia in an even more negative light, which only made the way i talked about her with my friends worse. In these almost two years, ive demonized rubia in many ways, all because i was desperate to seem valid, ive hurt her in ways i know i will never be able to make up for, and any backlash i receive for this is more than deserved. Im posting publicly with her permission and supervision both out of respect for her, but also so you all can see the type of person i am, you can all feel free to block me and cut me off if you see fit, it was my own actions that brought this after all. And to Rubia; i know no matter how many times i say this that it'll never fix the ways i hurt your social life, but im truly sorry, i hope that one day you're able to get help and heal from the damage i've caused.

[dansevilpianotea]

ramble ahead about time, tatinof, 2015 and changing one's life

tatinof is very special and im so happy they did this video to acknowledge that its not cringe at all and that theyre proud of their past selves !! there's sth genuinely healing about that !! ive had a hard time in 2015 and even tho i was 12/13 and just discovered that online fan communities of things i was into were a thing and was nowhere close to the phandom (i joined after BIG), this is the fandom internet that i joined back then. thats why its so poetic that they sing 'the internet is here', because to me this is the time it started to be there for me. it wasnt always kind to me and instagram was not a great platform to start on if your bullies and other ppl from school were also on it, but it was also when for the first time ever i realised that there were not only people who liked what i liked but that those ppl also have created their own culture and community online !! i was not totally alone !! there is a life outside of school !! i would never chose to go back to that time ever like it was horrible (that applies to any time in the past tho, i hate the idea of 'going back in time' with a passion) but im glad that the internet was there for me because no one else really was if im being real with you.

more below the cut because im an insufferable yapper (dan is a terrible influence haha tit joke)

this all is maybe why i find it hard to go back to watch dnps older content and also the stuff from the tatinof era. dan's sarcastic self-hating persona and phils innocent nerd persona are both hitting a bit too close to home and i want to both cry for them and for myself. we knew nothing back then. we were lost and yet did sth we were proud of. yet here we are almost 10 years later and how the fuck did we end up here but oh my god im so proud of us. all it took for me was to watch dan's coming out video. all it took for them was to be embraced and loved by their audience (us). dan also needed a break which is something that at the time it happend was really hard for me but then i found my wonderful lovely phannie discord friends here. we really all got here together and if i ever see any single person say that dnp hate us or dan hates it or that dnp are cringe or that we are cringe etc etc i will block you so hard because what are you even doing bringing up drama when in reality dan and phil and the phandom have developed the most remarkable symbiotic relationship between artist adn fans ever. they are our dads and i honestly just want to say how fucking proud i am of them for how far theyve come and what theyve done since 2015. dan really did the whole mental health and gay thing but then he did the mental health again!! and i think ywgttn and wad need to be given more credit here because idk if you remember pre-wad dan but he wasnt anything like post wad dan. every since wad he seems so happy and genuinely authetic and in peace. (im ignoring dystopia daily here because that was filmed before wad and his dd persona also reminds me too much of 2015 depressed dan than whatever high concept he was going for lol, im just not a dd fan). like wad changed his relationship with us and its warming my entire heart when i see dan smile so much now. he deserves to be happy and proud. and if dan deserved it after going through so much and coming out on top (literally), then i deserve it too. and phil? i love how he's just so confident now. fuck. (literally). he is not the innocent nerd anymore like he actually is fully really himself now and feels comfortable in his body (crop top, phlonde, etc) and openly expressing his sexuality ! even compare this phil to phil from the beginning of the hiatus!! he got so much more confident and relaxed since then!! like fully, really, if he can do it, if he can strip himself of the persona that ppl have attributed to him because of his anxiety, then i can do that too. im so proud of phil. he is an inspiration and the more he's being himself publically with no shame, the more an autistic phannie will feel hopeful for their future. im so proud of both of them.

like its crazy you go through your life thinking you're going nowhere and never making any progress and will never reach your goals but then you stop and look back what you were like 6 months ago and realise how many lives you have lived since then. it always goes back to BIG when dan said this:

[...] I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that's it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we've dreamed of. I want anyone that's ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side.

this everyone, changed my life. and i will never be able to thank dan enough for it, no matter how much i pay for tour tickets, how often i watch their videos or share my love for them on here. i just want to mention this because its never just 'light entertainment', it means the world to many of us and we have build a wonderful and loving community despite the hardships of the past and pointless discourses of the present. like, we can change shit for ourselves because we see these gay idiots do it who have done soooo fucking much in the last 15 years like they were on radio 1 and on a hollywood billboard and hosted various big big events. and yet, they decided they want to use their time to do things for themselves and their community. they have said many times that they havent made a profit from (parts of) their tours but they do it regardless. they do really love us and i dont think ive ever really felt loved by people who i was in a fandom for like that. its really not as parasocial as it might seem anymore. we got here together and we should be proud of that. i love dnp and i love you phannies so much !! 💕💕💕💕💕

[aces-spade-palace]

A story for those that need it. (TW for depression, suicide, SH, and abuse talk) Life has gotten insanely better since I was younger. When I first found Tumblr, I was a depressed, suicidal pre-teen. Tumblr actually made my life so much worse. I got into the dark side. The self harm side. I would compare myself to others and wish I could do worse. I would starve myself and now I'm paying the price for it. Now I look back and see how bad it was. At the time I had no idea half of what I was doing needed medical attention. Now I look at my scars (since I worked in healthcare for 6 years) and see that I probably should have gotten stitches for many of the things I did. I had attempted. I had wanted to end it all. That continued through high school and into adult hood. I had wanted to end it so many times. I thought I hated my parents when they were trying to do the best for me. I screamed and cried myself to sleep most nights because I just hated being here. I had 7 therapists in 5 years. One trip to the psych ward. I have been in abusive relationships and friendships. Lied to and cheated on. I made terrible decisions that could have killed me and I didn't give a damn. Up until a few years ago, I had thought I would be better off dead. I was also close-minded. I was an asshole and genuinely just a terrible person. Now, I'm 25. I found that I am an agender, queer being who enjoys pole dancing and theatre. I also was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I am getting married in just a few months. I am working job that I make 50k in without a college degree. I have three cats and we are going to start looking to buy a house after we get married. I am genuinely happy and content with my life. I learned to love myself. Yes, I have my days where I look in the mirror and get dysphoric, I get insecure, but more often that not anymore, I am starting to love myself again. It takes time. A lot of it, but at the end, it is really worth it. YOU do have to put in the work, even if you don't want to, even if you're being forced to, but I promise you that life can be so so worth it. I lived my dream job. I moved out from my parents house and our relationship got better. People have told me they look up to me and that they are proud of me. Yes, boundaries had to be set, my heart had to break on multiple occasions, and I got hurt countless times, but that is a part of healing. The hardest part of it all is doing the things you have to do for yourself. Cutting ties with the people who are genuinely causing you harm, with the things causing you harm, even if you don't realize it. You might feel like you're being selfish, taking care of yourself, but that's because you haven't done that yet. And when I say taking care of yourself, I don't mean go live in the woods in a cabin and hibernate. I mean confronting what is causing you harm. Taking care of your body and mind. Have the difficult conversations, and actually taking steps to improve your wellbeing. No I don't post this to brag, I post it to show that life can change for the better, and it is possible. It just takes work. You got this. My situation is not like everyone else's and I know that. But it is possible to get better, and if no one reads this, that's okay. If only one person reads this and realizes that life can get better, I would be ecstatic. I just want you to know that it is okay to not be okay, and this feeling is temporary. You can do this, and I believe in you. Stay Safe, Stay beautiful, Stay Handsome, Stay Wonderful, and be the best version of you that you can be. You are loved and you are cared for. If you need anything, reach out. I'll be here, and if im not, someone will be here for you.

[our-aroace-experience]

hi i’m having an issue and i though maybe you could help, or at least try to give me some advice

i absolutely HATE when dudes in my classes are like “ooooh you have a crush on (some dude) because you spoke about him/talk to him/defended him for something” because no i don’t. and my only response that’ll get them to leave me alone is “no, im gay” because im not going to explain myself to someone like that (who definitely wouldn’t understand, or might think im invalid), but THEN they think im lesbian (just to clarify, im not lesbian) so now everyone thinks i like girls when yea, kinda, but not as much as they think. on top of ALL of this, them thinking im a lesbian corresponds to me being perceived as a woman, even though i do not identify that way, and its really degrading to my self esteem and causing me to feel generally like shit, like i am a woman and will always be a woman, even though im very not.

but back to whatever ramblings i was doing before. i use the label omni-gray-aroace, meaning that i feel little to no romantic and sexual attraction (in my case, very little). i use omni as well because with my very little to no sexual/romantic attraction and tertiary attraction i also have a preference for guys (or more male aligned people). so if i was to ever date (probably not) or be in a qpr (most likely) with ANY dude involved then i feel like im a liar, and that im a terrible person for being a liar.

i’ve tried asking my friends for help and advice, but all but two of them are allo and don’t understand my identity and wouldn’t know how to help, and the two that aren’t allo have no idea how to help me, because they don’t understand how i identify either.

(note: all of my friends are very VERY accepting of me and my identity, but they all just don’t understand the labels i use and don’t know how to research them. i’ve also tried explaining to them personally, but they still don’t quite understand.)

so now i have no idea how to feel or how to get myself out of this hole im in. i would really appreciate help, or any advice you could try to give me, because at this point anything could help.

thanks

my advice for the people in your classes would be to stop telling them you’re gay. it doesn’t seem to fix the problem and seems to hurt you more than it solves anything. if you can, just ignore them, since they’re most likely just doing it to get a reaction, and ignoring them will often make them stop. obviously this is easier said than done, but giving it a try might help you feel less uncomfortable & help with being perceived as a woman.

as for feeling like a liar, having a qpr or relationship with a guy wouldn’t make you a liar since you said you are attracted to men more than other genders.

you could try explaining your identity to your friends by explaining what omnisexual/romantic is first. tell them it means you can be attracted to all genders but that you prefer men & male-aligned people. then you could try saying that you’re omni but you just rarely feel any attraction at all. i hope any of this help, feel free to send in another ask if you want any more advice or just need to vent!

[lincolndjarin]

Best Kept Secret Q&A

contains spoilers for all of bks !!

thank you @znerac for asking these !!

Is there anything you would of written differently? Why, and what would you of done?

the short answer is yes lmao.

the long answer is also yes but with a bunch of explanation. writing bks chapter by chapter and posting as i go is great and also not great for several reasons. getting immediate feedback is always great, and it pushes me to keep writing but it also means that i can't change things once they're written.

if i could the main things i would change would be :

i would rewrite any and all reader descriptions. in the early days of bks it was just a silly story that i wrote for myself. that being said i did my best to write the reader as ambiguous but a lot of my self bled through. very specifically is the fact that i get very very red when i'm embarrassed. i don't know the exact line but there was at one point in dins internal monologue something along the lines of "you blush blah blah blah, he wonders how deep the crimson tint goes." so i would change all of that for sure

on a less serious not i would rewrite all of chapter seven LMAO. i was stressed about six being the first smut chapter and i convinced myself that there needed to be more dirty stuff since i'd already started with it. i am haunted by the chapter seven blowjob. it feels so out of place to me like it's not needed, it's gotta go, i hate it but can do nothing about it.

hypothetically, If a movie/Show director came up to you to make a producion based heavily on BKS, would you take the opportunity?

yes and i would do it lin manuel miranda style by insisting that i play the lead and then i would demand pedro pascal as my counter part (he'll def take it, im convinced that man will do any movie.)

what inspired you to write bks?

a lot of things!!

mostly music, all sorts of songs. when i started it i had also just finished queen charlotte. (if you havent watched queen charlotte and like bks i highly recommend it.) i would say that bks!reader was based on charlotte early on. (i'm also gonna use my favorite line from queen charlotte in the epilouge)

and i just love telling stories. i love making these worlds and the people in them and this was the first time i ever put it into words!!

how do you think writing and posting bks has affected you? Positively, Negatively? What do you think would of changed if you didn't write it?

definitely both but the negatives aren't bad, and the positives make up for it.

bks in it's conception was always intended to be a coping mechanism for me. at the time of it's start my best (and realistically, only) friend was getting ready to move away for college and i realized that he was the only person i ever spent time with and i needed a hobby. i tried a few things until one day writing stuck. the intention was to have something to keep me busy but i ended up really loving it.

there's never been any external negatives, it really is just that i can be hard on myself but at the end of the day it's been a huge point of growth for me.

@knopes-waffles thank you lovey for sending these !!

was there a particular reason that you chose blue as Kodo’s color?

terrible answer to a great question but uhhh no lmao

i just had to pick a color and this is what my fingers typed lol, i knew from the get go that din's favorite color would be green so i had to pick something that wasn't that.

thank you to the anon who sent these !! (i assume these were from the same person bc they came in and the same time!!)

will din and queenie have more babies? or just grogu and their son?

i suppose we'll have to see ;)

(although after bks 28 this is answered haha)

where will they raise the babies? in the cabin?

i think so !! i like to think that they live in the cabin, bks!reader became attached to naboo and bks!din will happily live wherever she is. i also like to think that they travel though. they leave naboo as often as they can, din likes to show his children the galaxy so when they're older they definitely invest in a ship

thank you anon !! luv you !!

what was your absolute favorite scene to write?

there's so many gahhh im gonna try and narrow it down to a top three:

#1 : Chapter 16 - their first kiss

this was a big deal to me, i worked for quite some time on that scene. i had several long conversations with friends about it because i wanted it to have the weight of a scene from bridgerton. i love love love bridgerton, it's my guilty pleasure, and i wanted that scene to make me feel the way bridgerton love confessions make me feel. i needed an "i burn for you" and i had a lot of different versions but i eventually settled on "I ache." because i wanted it to be something that hurt, i think that bks!din is complicated (i sound so pretentious rn im so sorry) in a self hating way that makes even the idea of being happy extremely painful to him and i wanted to get that point across

#2 : Chapter 23 - the markets

the markets in general were always so so fun to write but the lunar markets especially. getting to write them as a normal couple shopping for sex toys was so so so fun, i remember being so exhausted writing this chapter but i loved it so much i just had to finish it.

short story break but i was up until 2 am writing this chapter, it was halfway done and i was supposed to be up at 7 to drive my grandma six hours to visit my aunt for a week. i texted her at 2 and said i was going to bed and i'd see her in the morning, she texted back and said she couldnt sleep so we just got in the car and went. when we got to my aunts i finished the chapter and then passed out lmao, editing it took ages bc i kept falling asleep

#3 : Chapter 3 - reading the smitten paladin

the entire scene where she's trying to not think about din while reading her porn book is always gonna be an all timer for me

(bonus: the epilouge has been very special to me. getting to write a happy ending for these characters that i have put through so much has been extremely healing for me)

thank you @darthbeebles !! <3

Were there any scenes you wrote/wanted to write but had to cut for some reason? I’d love some deleted scenes if you have any <3

so so so many. i will cover most in the little what if thing later this week but the biggest one was a masquerade ball.

i so badly wanted a scene where she was dancing at the ball and there's a masked man who asks for a dance with dark hair and a mask that only covers his eyes and GAH im making myself angry just thinking about it because i just couldn't make it work

i tried it on so many levels, but at the end of the day the climax of the story didn't work if she knew what he looked like. the identity swap twist didn't work as smoothly and after several attempts to work it in i had to scrap it

thank you @raintheegg my beloved for sending this in!!!!

What is your favorite characteristic about bsk!din?

very easily his devotion.

it makes him easy to write bc he has one character goal and it to keep reader as safe and happy as he can manage. it also helped me add in the vague religious themes because he really is just that in love with her right from the start

hi anon !!! thank you for sending this in!!

You don’t have to draw it out if you don’t want, but I’d love to see your vision for inside their closet in BKS!!! It feels like such an important space that I want to understand it exactly how you meant to portray it — 1000 rounds of applause for your writing, it was an incredible journey you took us on 🥲🥲

thank you so so much <3

i wanted to build distinct set pieces in the world, the closet, the nook, the cabin, etc. and the closet was based on my own closet!! i used to sleep in there with all of my pillows and blankets, i have some pics, i don't have any good ones because it's been a few years but these are the ones i found!!

thank you my sweet anon!!

what was the hardest chapter to write?

very easily chapter 26.

i had a very specific vision for it that i'd been working on for months and i wanted it to go over well. the rule i use with plot twists is that it either needs to not be guessed before it happens or it needs to executed in a pleasing enough way that if you did guess it you don't care or you feel accomplished. i couldn't be more proud of how it turned out

thank you anon for the ask !

why is kodo’s fav color blue

i thought about this one again and i did remember that i needed it to be an eye color so it ended up being between grey and blue and i went with blue!!

thank you anon who is definitely not @torizle-blog1

why are you so sexy and hilarious and perfect and awesome

years of practice.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 10/17/2023

started explaining why this one is a little lighter than last week's gallery wall behemoth bc of a uhhhh kind of dire week, personally and professionally speaking, but then realized when fic authors do that in front of chapters i don't actually care or require an excuse from them, im just delighted to have a new chapter.

listening

this is a deeply cheesy little folk song but the lyrics "man you name it and if we ain’t got it: we’ll get it" gave me a sensible chuckle.

now for a moment to expound upon houston: they truly have imported every possible food service establishment. the two chains i miss most from jersey, jersey mikes submarine sandwiches and 7-11 gas stations, are both here. i get that this is the fifth largest metro area in the US or whatever but both of these companies are SO niche. absolutely bonkers. spotify.

i think this started autoplaying after a playlist inspired by f/allout: new v/egas came on??

-

reading

i originally had a very mean-spirited graf about the utility of a pool in northwestern massachusetts and the kind of person who can comfortably lose $31k, but it is genuinely awful that there are no rules around zelle. that money goes into a black fucking hole and there's no way to get it back, which is not the case for any other kind of recognized money except cryptocurrency

Did we confront Gary Kruglitz [the pool contractor]? Yes we did. We marched right into his office and grilled him hard until he defeated us with a simple and probing question: What's a zelle? It defied belief, we quickly realized, that a man who had been trapped in technological amber since the Nixon era was running a cyberscam designed to come between us and our money out of an AOL account.

-

watching

Van Helsing (2004, dir. Sommers). this movie is horrible. this movie is terrific. i don't have anything to say about this movie bc i was distracted by equal opportunity tits and asses the entire time. the time of the “Kate Beckinsale in a corset” movie genre is long over but GOD. watched with my sister bc it's leaving tubi soon

playing

one week i will have the energy to try New Thing but until i do it’s genshin. there's a poetry event that has terribly boring minigames, but the story quest has finally tied a bow on a piece of folkore we came across in the very first release so that was fun!

wrapping up some stuff in sumeru bc im running out of map pins, this game has done one of the things i hate most: progress-locking one extremely long and tedious collectible hunt (the music gates) behind another extremely long and tedious collectible hunt (the robots locked in the vines). the next time i see one of those little fucking budget koroks i am going to drop kick it into the sun. what the fuck is the circumference of teyvat anyway. it feels like we have explored so little of this planet's surface

i have graphics turned down pretty low bc of performance issues on my elderly laptop and this is still such a remarkably pretty game. look at this big estuary leading off into the distance

-

making

i wildly overextended myself this week, partially bc im trying to take advantage of this brief post-covid heightened immunity. lot of dinners. lot of late nights. on top of that BOTH of my siblings were in town for unrelated professional reasons this week :) no overlap so we did not have a nice fambly dinner :( but did have pretty okay separate dinners :) if they could learn to fucking communicate their trave plans and the number of peope that will be showing up at my home that would also be pretty okay >:(

one of the party games i played this week asked the question “what could you give a 40-minute PowerPoint presentation on” and i started saying facts about the downfall of the penn central railroad and they very nicely let me continue saying facts about the downfall of the penn central railroad, the largest bankruptcy in US history until ENRON, until the round timer went off.

i have some thoughts about Train Guys and how it's very easy to fall into being a Train Guy, bc there's a very easy template to follow, and there's a lot of Train Guy content, and have i been doing this bc i actually like trains, or bc it's easy to listen to Well There's Your Problem on repeat bc it's familiar and comforting, or do i just really really really fucking hate flying?

who could possibly say.

mackintosh update: allowed herself to be scooped up by my brother (who she met at christmas and loves) but did NOT allow herself to be pet by the strangers in his company. did hang out in the middle of the floor observing tho. a regular little extroverted socialite!

[z-i-a-f-o-x]

(leaving this anon b/c im not looking for any personal reassurance)... Reading your answer from this morning about how you're doing made me think of asking this. What do you wish others understood about your current struggles? Is there anything your friends and loved ones could do differently that would make it easier on you? If there is no concrete answer, that's ok, we will remain patient and be here to support you no matter what.

I was hesitant to answer this question, because I hate the idea of any of my loved ones feeling guilty realizing that they might have made instances harder on me. I know these things were unknown, but more importantly, were also done out of love and good intention.

When I isolate for a long period of time, it’s very difficult for me to find my way back into a social space. A lot of times I feel inclined to reach out or laugh with friends again, and I get bombarded. I know it’s because I’m deeply missed, but it can feel overwhelming and makes me want to retreat again. Perhaps because i do have a short social battery to begin with, even when I’m in a mentally healthy place, I’m unsure. I just want to seamlessly blend into whatever banter or conversation that is already happening, without the pressure of becoming the sole immediate focus. I think that’s what can be difficult for me as a Camgirl sometimes in general actually — Sometimes I wish I was just another friend within my friend group, instead of the like.. the one with the spot light.

Another thing that’s hard for me when I’m deeply struggling like I am now, is even just having people ask me how I am / how my day is going / how am I feeling etc. — Often times the answer is not great.. and if you see me interacting it’s because I’m actively trying to get a dopamine fix and distract myself from thinking about how terrible it all is. When I read those questions, even when asked out of concern and genuine curiosity, it’s just an unavoidable reminder of how dark of a place I’m lost in. I love when my friends are there for me when I need to vent or analyze whatever issue is going on with me, but not when I’m just jumping in for some giggles and light chats. I’d rather any other ice breaker honestly.

[crushingcasanova]

Hi there :) I’m so sorry for my late response , things have been pretty freakin hectic .. i am here now , don’t worry :)

listening to you talk about theatre is so … mesmerizing. i love listening to people in general but .. its just so fun listening to you talking about that knowing how deeply you care about it. how its part of your life. im just sorta enamored（≧∇≦）

i agree , i absolutely adore fine arts. i just can’t get into anything else. its so awesome that you make jewelry!! ive been trying to get fully into it , but i cant seem to find the exact beads i need. but trust when i do .. its gonna be awesome. i do a lot of arts and crafts , and I really adore coloring. ive tried drawing but .. im so terrible , and i just hate being bad at things.

i definitely would say that i love people’s flaws .. usually those things are my favorite things about them ^^ but at the same time , i tend to get myself into bad relationships , then stay because “i can fix it! we will be fine and in love because ill help them!!” i bet you can guess how that turns out .. </3 i also agree that in most situations .. i don’t like to reach out , even if in my heart I do want to. i get nervous , and at times feel like if I didn’t reach out , no one would talk to me .. so i self isolate. im glad that im welcome here .. even if im kinda jsut like , a random person that doesn’t matter and is just yapping … </3

ughhh repurposing is so nice and so fun .. it makes you feel like you’re worth something , yk , giving an old piece a new home. its so rewarding. thrifting and antiquing is always rewarding , because almost every time i go , i find something. i almost never leave one of those stores empty handed .. (im also a shopaholic so ..) but its awesome that you do resin work !! is that calming ??

thank you so much for your kind words , i did get a good amount of sleep last night <333333 i have a few questions :)

what’s your fashion sense?

do you have any pets?

that’s it. thank you so much for letting me be here , hun !!

-🎭

Hello Cheshire <3 I quite missed you, so I was really happy to see you in my inbox again! I hope you've been well, dearie :) I know you mentioned it was hectic, so I hope you get a moment to relax!

I'm very honored that you like to hear me talk about theater! It's one of my biggest passions, honestly, because I adore being on the stage. I'd love to hear some of your favorite musical takes too, if you ever would like to share. I've always been into deep analysis, and I've done a lot for the Phantom and the Great Gatsby in particular :) I was lucky enough to see these before they closed, too, so I like to comment on the staging and the acting from the amazing actors who played my favorites. It also is a big inspiration for a lot of my writing, like this Great Gatsby one I did a while back about the beauty of Gatsby's obsession :) I hope you get those beads soon! I just started working with beaded jewelry a while back, and I make these kind of big pieces for some of my friends. I gifted my beloved a set inspired by them a while back and mailed it to them, and I'm planning to make some for my friends this year. I am sure you're not as bad at drawing as you say, but I think I completely understand the thought behind it. That's why I'm not really a fan of math, since I can never get better at it ... but I'm trying :) coloring is fun too, though! I completely understand self isolation, I used to be like that but I've changed a lot :) my beloved really stressed the importance of communication and taught me how to be more vulnerable and open up, but it's been an uphill battle. I don't think you're a random person who doesn't matter, dear! You bring a smile to my face with your messages, and it means a lot to know you care enough to talk to me too :) I agree with repurposing things :D It is lovely to give them their own home, I agree. It's kind of cute that you think of it like that :) I also am a bit of a shopaholic too, but I'm quite picky, so I usually leave empty handed. My resin work is quite fun! I would say it's a bit relaxing, but only at certain points in the process. The designing and the unmolding is fun, but not the pouring, because it starts to solidify quickly. You have to work quickly and then let it cure overnight if it's not UV resin. It can get a bit stressful As for your questions:

My fashion style is very cutesy, I'd say! A lot of skirts and sweaters, I usually don't wear jeans or other forms of pants very much to be honest. I wear a lot of pinks, blacks, purples, etc. I also am a big jewelry wearer, so I have a lot of that, and I usually am kind of maximalist when it comes to outfits. I also always have cute matching purses when possible :) I used to be a bit more like, hot topic emo style when I was younger, and I still shop there, but definitely less. I also wear a lot of dresses! I'm very hyperfeminine, I'd say, at least fashion wise. I think there are some pics somewhere on this blog, that I did for a follower special, or maybe some in love letter? Not sure! How do you like to dress?

I also do have a pet! I have a little black dog named stella :) she's a little cute miniature schnauzer mix! Do you have any pets, dear?

I hope this finds you well! I was so excited to answer this, sorry it took me a minute! Definitely took me a while to yap ^^;