#im always hearing you all out lol
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My tier list of sans aus
First of all: I just put the Sans I know, you can put other Sans and change the order if you want to do it too! Second: i was nice with the rows, i could have been more evil
If you want make this tier list too, you can access here
@wickjump @yo4sblog
#tier list#sans#sans au#utmv#qinqin rambling 💖#you will not change my mind#maybe you can#im always hearing you all out lol#this is silly#but you can judge me#just#be nice#or i will cry
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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been scribblin with the dip pens to prepare for inking the next comic (yuuto⏫’s “origin story” kind of basically) and wow turns out I can do anything I want forever
yuuto’s new friends names of amy and linh >:]c
#UTAU#sawayama yuuto#bakuspecial#[comic tag pending]#I'll be drawing about just the beginning of this whole plot this time round. but boy oh boy if I were paid to serialize this!!#well even if I wont. I will hopefully get to chip away at it a bit at a time. over the next uhhhhh ten years#in another news. I think somethings up with the dip pens. about anything comes out looking good with them#its scary!! I kept looking at my sketches like no way these are gonna work out. but I'll do it for the practice hour#and then I do it and it always turns out pretty good. what the hells!!! thats weird!! thats kinda scary I like it!!!#and like I'm absolutely not even that good with a dip pen yet!! 1/Ive just had these for uhh. two days. and 2/my hands are NOT steady#its why u see me undo and redo a line 298473987 times twice a half hour. it was caught on stream multiple times#but!! the dip pen's making me commit to a line. and also I'm slowly internalizing that anything'd come out okay with them#as long as I have a sketch. boy oh boy is freehanding with these hard#its so. idk its so nice!! its so fun. somehow a lot less pressure than the usual stuff I do lol#I cant wait to really get into drawing this comic... I cant wait to force all of u to look at yuuto&co#you WILL see and hear my baby boy#dskjfhsjk Im so glad the senpai lets me do this. I mean even if he doesnt I will do it anyway. its just gonna suck#but Im so happy I get to do this with him actually#hehehe >:]c
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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????
#my dad is like#you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then#and im like bhai what#mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me#both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me#mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and#the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff#i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself#because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want#im so tired man#why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it 😭🙏#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these#complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off#people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path#have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories#and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at#atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry#but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything#ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me#i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and#untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends#i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made#i didn't understand anything back then#but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something#ive prayed to god that you die and i still do#it would directly mean 4 people being happy#anyway#dni#this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck
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Man is saying weird things to me again
#help mom he's oversharing about drinking scotch every evening#that's very on brand for Man#tales from diana#i literally did Nothing to reach out to him i don't know what he wants#i was just thinking in the shower literally not even half an hour ago about how you know it's strange#he used to always have this way of talking to me like he was trying to impress me which is just kinda silly honestly#like i was a 20-21-year-old in awe of him and he was a retired male model eight years older than me w more life experience#and some rather exotic and interesting experiences at that#i think he somewhat envies that i seem (at least to him) like a self-possessed 'intellectual'#thats how he talks to me at least. it's funny tho#not that im not. like. smart. i think the both of us know i'm better-read than he'll be in 3 lifetimes#and i'm not quite self-possessed but i certainly don't have the open-wounded insecurity he does#while also being rather more confident than most ppl in some areas (and it's not ALL unearned)#he's got much more ambition than i do though. more ambition than i'll have in 10 lifetimes#and he seems to do everything with a motivation of external validation and approval.#so i think he has a chip on his shoulder. poor little Man#the two of us could not be more opposite. but i don't really strive to be like him in the ways he strives to be like me#he chases this dream of what he thinks the perfect man is and it's quite inhuman so of course he falls short.#i on the other hand am if anything much TOO accepting of my own faults and shortcomings. ahem#these are all things i will never say to Man. he's too silly to hear it#besides. im rather sure he likes me (? in some way) and i am these days just very ambivalent to him#i can't NOT say i find him attractive bc i do but he's just. sooooo not the one lol#he's a fascinating creature all flaws aside but i never find myself studying him at my own volition#Man just comes outta the woods sometimes to tell me about his travels or women or whiskey. he's odd#he's very eccentric but between the two of us i think i'm the better eccentric. no wonder he visits me sometimes#but he brings gifts and prayers like he's coming to a devotional shrine or something. i'm like sir this is not a temple#he'll never be normal but he is so strange in the ways i'm too good for. if i do say so myself#(and that's saying something bc i'm not too good for ANYTHING)
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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so a super old friend from literal primary school just reached out to me for the first time in like over a decade and they have a kid now and stuff and I'm just sitting with the fact that I'm like almost in my late 20's and literally have nothing to show for it.
Like 'what have you been up to'
Literally nothing. Trauma and nasty people being nasty. Im essentially back to where I was as a teen. So anyway, cute kid 🥺 I'm gonna keel over and die now.
#no but its literally super sweet of them to reach out obviously cause they 100% did have to at all#like we initially went to the same high school but they moved to a different school cause bullying and we kinda grew apart#like they have always been a super nice person to me and because of all the shit ive been through this past decade#i really dont have any friends left so having someone think of me made me super teary and sad#anyway maybe check in on people you used to be friends with cause they may be going through some tough times and its just nice to hear that#someone is thinking of you#i could literally ball my eyes out cause i experienced such debilitating mental illness as a kid that i didnt have treated til in my 20s an#i feel like its a huge reason none of the people that i thought were my friends stuck around and i just feel super lonely a lot#like yay my brains finally healing but now what#anyway sorry to ramble im just a bit fragile right now#its brought up a lot of really nice memories and i just cant believe how old those memories are and i wish i was a better friend#not dnp#lol#bipswordvomit#sorry i try to keep my real life off here for the most part but i guess anonymously screaming into the digital void is freeing sometimes
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this part genuinely makes me feel like eating dry wall like i can't explain how i feel about it without making some of you finally tire of me and block me about it i think
#.txt#reservoir dogs -#sorry for just randomly posting clips . i was actually working on my vid i swear but then i started Thinking. and here we are.#anyways going genuinely insane in the tags . i'm so sorry. ->#(im only sorry for the sheer amount of tags or if u disagree w/ my interpretations / headcanons. if ur just annoyed lmfao sucks to be you!)#anyways. you guys ever think abt the way orange HAS TO know white's lying to him abt his odds of survival.#bc i think abt that genuinely constantly. all the time thinking about it.#also the ''joe's gonna get you 100% again'' -> first of all . lol. second of all -> ''he was the only one i wasn't 100% on'' hello? HELLO!!#also freddy's voice here makes me feel like punching walls . like it makes me wail in anguish.#no but yeah i think abt the theme of lying & the fact some of the first lies we hear are in this scene in a way#also this part is leaning wayyy harder on headcanon but i always think. like if orange WASNT lying abt who he is. then it'd be reasonable#forhim to not know how likely he is to die and/or how blatantly larry's lying (''i'm talking days!'') but as a cop he SOOO knows he's fcked#but like . what's he gonna do. ''hey i know that's bullshit'' like obviously not and partly bc of How he knows but also bc like#you just don't argue with the only guy who's caring for you while you're seemingly on the brink of death!! LMAO#and certainly not when he's the only one telling you you'll be fine!! even if he's just bullshitting you so you don't freak out!!#I DON'T KNOW i go kinda insane about this scene . as . you can tell.#if you too are insane about this and the implications . don't worry. in several months. my fic will feed you. you will see.#idk . larry lying to and/or for him <33333333 kinda makes me go insane. kinda makes me go wild.#idk. i should be getting ready for bed rn. WHATEVER. bye. logging off. if you read all these i'm in love with you okay#i've just been turngin them around in my head like a microwave for hours so i needed to infodump or else i would explode i think
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also another reason i play picc despite it causing my migraines is because i can use it to win arguments. Like any other instrument you have no right to complain about piccolo being "too high" when i am playing it and it gives ME migraines. like. ok coward. what do u even have to complain about
#also its literally NEVER the flutes or oboes (who sit on either side of me) complaining even though they are third closest lol#(first two closest being my right ear and my left ear respectively btw)#ive had them be like wtf thats so high when im on a REALLY stupidly high note but its always in solidarity with me lol#complainers are always like trumpets and low brass and its like Damn that sucks dude.#It must be so hard for u to be like 20+ feet away from it at all times. Sounds like the hardest thing in the world its a good thing nobody#in the ensemble has to specifically be exactly that distance closer to it. Say about 3in away Per Ear. That would just be. Awful#disclaimer picc is fun i love playing picc its great#other benefits include: small i can just put it in my backpack :) flute can also do that but only if i dont have a ton of stuff in there#actually easier to play faster passages than on flute bc the keys are smaller and therefore lighter#marching picc is great cause you dont have to worry as much about rain cause its so little#and also people Will hear u#fun fact my picc that i own has problems with the cork in the headjoint being loose#and therefore the crown and everything can just. Come out. (NOT supposed to happen)#so their name is Lottie which is short for. Lobotomy.#which reminds me i need to take her to a repair shop again bc not only is that cork loose AGAIN (i dont think they actually replaced it the#first time which is Annoying) But Also the glue on the pad on the A flat key has come out a few times. Which strictly speaking i can fix#myself bc its just hot glue and a lighter but it gives me an excuse to be like Hey. Replace the fucking cork this time okay? ive soaked it#about 8 million times and it didnt work. Its dried out i PROMISE it just needs replacing#maybe ill mention im a music student so they believe me
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We’re having an emergency meeting to discuss Chris Johnson and the whitest name ever
absolutely fitting for our white man now innit
#snap chats#speaking of White People and names tho.. i drove out to barnes and noble because if i stayed at my mom's any longer id go insane#and while i was here i read the entirety of My Brother's Husband. VERY good series it was so good i loved it...#its not in my budget today to buy the whole set but maybe one day.. mike flanagan i love you you're so happy and good..#WAIT IT GOT A LIVE ACTION SERIES ????? I HAVE TO WATCH IT LATER I WAS JUST THINKING IT'D BE GOOD AS A JDRAMA#what i did buy today tho was the second volume of The Yakuza's Bias since i loved the first one so much#and ive been PRAYING the second one'd come out soon#i also got another kirby blind box </3 its supposed to sit on your drinking glass but i didnt see who i got yet..#i hope its not meta knight. i love meta knight but i want some variety...#im hoping its the sleeping kirby one but it was hard to hear the difference so idk#and im not checkin til later so i doont get tempted to return what i got to get a new one like a freak ☠️#SO SAD THO when i was getting my stuff they didnt have any more butterfly bookmarks...#i always get one when i go out and sure i have more than enough bookmarks but now it feels weird...#anyway. im gonna get food i havent eaten all day... tho i did want chicken and soju later didnt i...#maybe ill just get something light here i just came here for the wifi honestly lol#god what else did i do.. OH THERE WAS THIS ONE MANGA.#i forget the full name but it had 'akane' in the title so of course i was like 'lol' and decided to read the blurb#IN THE STORY HER DAD'S NAME IS ARAKAWA ? but all of his teachers also have the surname arakawa but theyre not related#arakawa must be a ral impotrant name in the manga.... point is i lol'd#i almost wanna go back to. stopping this post now to do it LOL HANG ON BRB#AKANE-BANASHI THAT'S WHAT IT WAS CALLED and she wanted to be the best rakugo performer after her father's teacher#also named arakawa. As I Said.#failed everyone for no reason#maybe one day ill check it out.. always thought rakugo was a fine art...#anyway im rambling too much im gonna try to write a fanfic. no way in hell im drawing rgg in public LMAO#actually im gonna get food first.. as i said i havent eaten all day... ok bye#anon im so sorry if you ever read these tags LMAO I JUST LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY DAY
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yall my ex is so lucky we're not together now that I'm off my meds for like. not even the reason that makes sense.
#oooooh i have no appetite now that I'm not on multiple meds with weight gain as a side effect#surely that aspect of my being is evil of me#pretty sure my unmedicated bipolar disorder would just be like fun for him bc im not always depressed anymore#not to be like crazy or whatever but the fact that while i was taking meds and working on my relationship w food they were like. bitter?#like demonized me both having problems with food and seeking help for them#&viewed my being on medication as exceptionally privileged which like. i wish i was on them again i get it but also getting that 'privilege'#required 1) my own fucking money i got from having a job something they didnt get until we broke up and i was like#im not paying off our apartment alone so either you or your parents owe me money every month#and 2) getting hospitalized after an attempt#because i had the privilege of being on twice the max dose of an antidepressant that didnt help me#like. ugh yes it was a privilege and one that i miss having but it also sucked getting there it wasnt like#idk the way they framed it was always like i was offered the fucking luck of the draw on it or whatever#like sorry? remember when i was on so much lexapro i went into a dissociative fugue and started dating you lol fuck off#because i actually genuinely dont remember like 6 or 7 months because of that shit!#i actually ended up hospitalized from it and all i remember hearing about it was that you were sad bc you felt you werent enough to stop it#like it had fucking anything to do with you#like wish them all the best but damn. actually they sucked very very badly. i hope they figure it out one day but probably not#ik theyre on antidepressants now so yknow. im sure theyll forget being medicated means theyre privileged now#becomes normal once its them or some shit
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ok i have like. the very rough outline for this animatic.
#my post#ripposting#really just need rhe quotes now bcus i know what parts of the song are which fights#oh my god. im gonna have to animate combat.#*frantically pulls up sad.ist* GIRL HELP HOW DO I DRAW FIGHTING#<- uses them as a ref for like every animatic i do lol#i just realized actually. this wasnt intentional but i totally am amking a sa.dist-style animatic rn#its even set to a 2w.ei song ToT#but anyways im sosososo excited for this :DDD the first 48 seconds are just them arriving at the BLOCK#BUT their pirate oath from what binds us is playing. ooo can i do effects on the audio? bcus i kinda want it to be abit echo-ey....#but yeah and then chip as tay is all like 'we need to get these pirates inside!!' and the guard goes 'did we ever get a name for this crew?#and then theres like this moment of silence. and thats where chips gonna go 'the r.iptide pirates :)' and then BOOM LOUD MUSIC#thats where they fight shrek. i dont remember what that monster was i always called that fight the shrek encounter. then the hall w that#pirate dude!! then the tundra!! oh big j... then its MEAT ROOM TIME!!! and then DESERT ROOM!!!!! at 2:02 is when they start attacking each#other in the desert room :3 then its the center with drey!!! and then theres a quieter slow part. thats where nfw goes.#the song actually ends there but i looped part of it so it gets loud again :3 thats where the running away happens!! and then as it fades#out again thats where theyre safe on the ship and jay screams at her dad even though hes too far away to hear it and shes all like 'IM GONN#BE THE BEST GODDAMN PIRATE YOUVE EVER SEEN!!' and chip goes 'i dont doubt it sureshot :]' CRIESSS anyways then very quietly as the audio al#fades out gill goes 'im glad you got to shoot me' and jay goes 'me too lol' and that is where we end the animatic 👍#its like 4 1/2 minutes long pray for me guys
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a great time juxtaposing "helen" by joe iconis with "centerfold" by the j. geils band
#if you've listened to dad rock '70s-median'd stations you've probably heard it. charting single. the: ((my) angel is the) centerfold one#it's juxtaposable in good ways and interesting ways lol there's plenty enough to Compare & to Contrast re: either song#actually i'm already like holding myself off from starting to go on about specifics lol#a situation i have a lot of thoughts; i Was writing them out the other night but it turned into the lengthily typed & posted thoughts about#metastory in pentiment & iphigenia crash land falls instead lol....#so feel free to just partake of the exercise yourself#had a great time revisiting both songs even knowing them both already / hearing them multiple times#enhanced appreciation or delighted like ''oh right [this element] yay''#centerfold? more charming than i remembered actually lol like oh nice yeah that one line does a lot#and i'm always hyped abt the [i don't even know the instrument or term for the musical part] like synth whatever line in the verse to#chorus transition. there's a lot of ''nice im liking that'' elements such that this Isn't just ''helen is like if centerfold didn't suck''#meanwhile it's an enriching time to be thinking more abt all the elements & effects in helen too#you Know i'm revisiting my slipped into pocket will roland performance lol. no antoinette perries season now i gave it to him obv#only category that exists is [youtube recordings of live cabaret i have saved on my laptop of will roland performing helen]#and guess what tonys? it's nongendered.#joe iconis
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God im... Probably too nice but it's fine
#miranda talking shit#I wanted to talk about a thing but...noticed quickly that they were not in a good mood/mindset so ofc i didnt even bring it up#I mean the talk was good anyway. I think he... Needed that. We talked about feelings and how to handle them#And at one point he stopped and turned to me and went 'that thing you said about getting another perspective on it... Thats smart. Thats#A very good idea. Im going to try that' not like im good at dealing with emotions. But i try to and that's a thing i know have helped me at#Times. Discussed our goals/dreams and well... I cant agree with his or understand it at all but as long as he thinks thats what he wants#Then im not going to argue. Love how he always drone on about he doesn't care about anyone or what anyone thinks but still wants to hear#What i think. I told him that was funny to me. Bc imo one doesnt ask about something one doesn't care about or have any interest in...#He's been a lot more... Curious about what i think about things and its fun. Personally im just fairly weak in my opinions. Not many things#I think are worth fighting over or arguing over tbh. So im used to just listening and nodding. But that may annoy the shit out of him lmao#That might be why he asks me about my opinion bc im so quiet and passive . But yeah very interesting to discuss#Mainly bc i havent heard anyone have that kind of opinion and goal of their own so it was fun?#But yeah ngl i love hearing people say im wise or smart. Bc i obviously dont hear that often. So when i do im like ah ... Thank you 😭#Its bc im not book smart but i guess im emotionally smarter or whatever. In general i just enjoy making people think about other perspectiv#Bc i always do that and enjoy it. Think many are unintentionally stuck in their own way of seeing things and everything become so black and#White. To me the world isnt . I wish it was but no everything is gray with many shades lol#Also me doing and example: 'i dont think everything is your fault oliver. I think its my own'#Oliver serious: yeah well i dont think its your fault either Miranda.' i almost cried like... He didn't have to say that i was obviously#Doing an example and joking ? But he still ... Said that and im like...thabk you for reassuring me...#And he really went 'i fought hard to be the one that came by here today. It was going to be another guy which me and magnus hate. So i#Fought hard to be able to come here instead' and im like 🥺... Thank you... I wasnt there to fight but thank you for doing that...#I mean im guessing he also enjoys our conversations so i dont think it was a selfless thing but it made me happy :')#If i could have any say I'd basically only have magnus and oliver come by me but i know thats not how it works but it made me happy that he#Went out of his way to get it changed. I need to thank him again next time... At least he seemed to be a little lighter leaving than when#He came. So i hope our discussion was a bit helpful at least. Something had happened and i asked him if he wanted to talk about it#And he said no first and then 'maybe. We'll see' which to me is major bc uh.... He usually dont ever talk about anything happening actively#To me. Usually he comes and shares it 6 month later or something. So... Trust increase? I hope im rubbing off on him in healthier mental#Ways. Considering he's gone from saying nothing about himself to trauma dumping ... I guess something has changed. God i just#Want to pick his brain about everything for real. He has such diffrent values and priorities than im used to and anyone i know have. I love#Hearing all about it. Ive told him before but if we didn't meet through this... Unusual way. We'd never would have naturally. And if we did
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I've been thinking abt new game+ friend quests and it's just me going ah yes and they have all these issues and talk abt these things and oh oops this is all accidental foreshadowing
#rat rambles#stars posting#new game+#its a fun mix of stuff that will make for tasty chou breakdown material in due time#and stuff that is fun to imagine chou responding to because its smth that the sifs would respond to Very differently#but yeah I can basically hear the evolution of chou's inner dialogue overtime as I play out these scenes in my mind#the shopkeepers friendquest is mostly abt her low key freaking out abt realizing chou sees her as a friend and admitting she has a rly hard#time being honest with people about basically anything abt herself along with some extra stuff abt her having never rly had any long term#friends due to her having been constantly traveling since she was a kid#so theres like. several layers of stuff for chou's timeloop tumbled brain to chew on there lol.#the kid is mostly abt them realizing they cant remember basically anything abt their home and family at this point and freaking out#the leader is her admitting hes always been kind of jealous of chou (mostly due to chou having very loving parents)#and Im going to be honest Im still working out the tracker's friendquest#probably going to have smth to do with her mom? maybe her admitting that she's always wanted to go traveling but has been feeling trapped#under obligation to stay by her mom's side and her feeling like a bad daughter for leaving even in these circumstances#or smth like that. idk Ive had a headache all day I dont have the brainpower to make shit up good rn#I just took a shower a few minutes ago and its cleared the brain fog enough for me to type out some of my thoughts#so yeah idk beams visions at you of chou slowly forgetting more and more abt things outside the loops and freaking out over it#chou vc I think the moments the loops truly broke me was when I forgot my parents faces and names#the sifs .|#the real secret abt chou is that they are the normie of the three they just got timeloop tumbled real hard#they do still have hashtag issues ofc just different ones than the other two#but their loops definitely did a lot of the heavy lifting in fucking them up so hard#repeatedly becoming a stranger to the people you love isn't fun and neither is not having tears for easy looping#they can technically loop using the light's curse but that requires being able to see the light and even then its usually a slow burn#process to get fully cursed not smth you can just quickly do if you get stuck#anyways I need to go to bed gn gamers#hopefully loop plush will be here tomorrow if they're not I'll cry rly hard and throw up
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ill b so real w myself: fuck.
#the fact that i dont even fucking wany anything to do w him. n i o ly wanna hear from him jus so i can tell him to fuck off#bc . i cant Do this to myaeld anymors like . okay ! u royally fucked up and then Kept Fucking Up.#its not like . you just Shattered me into piecws n then . went mia. no ur constantly in and out kf my fucking side ciew#and its Exhaystibg. all of this is exhaustibg.#n im looming forewars to one week where i sont . have to Deal With Him Ay All. like .#hes blcoked n STAYINY blockes bc FUCK YOUUU lmao.#n apart od it is the return of Libra ill b real.#but its not kike i had to force that saitch. it was kinda natyrally occuring#i had always Known that librs would be tue first man that would like Crack smtg in me that would . allow me to consider dating again#n he has . n i do wanna see what this is abt .#or morr so: what this has to do w me and my Issues .#bc i can laugh at astrology all i want but thus Fucker does nothing vut make me deel Awful n face my own weird paranoia#and all his Major planets are literally my 8/ 12h#gucker has a libra n aquarius stellium. go figure.#anyway idc abt the rest of tgis im ignoring astrolofy tgis time around bur this sits in the back of my head#but . anyway yea i literally . as much i as i can admit i am attracred to him.#i hate that i get talkative when im anxious ! bc i cannot b in the same room as him sometimes#will go out for a smoke at the bar n . due to regulations the area Sucks And Is Small#n i just . Oanic whenever hes around fot some reason#n then theres this weird Explorative and Invasive Thing i feel when he fucking looks ay me.#oh dude ive backed this up u cannoy . deny me this .#i am not insane abt this . there is smth in his stare on me that is deer in headlights essentially. and its just so Haunting sometimes bc .#WHAT. WHAT do u WANT !#and its fucked up when im at work.#cannot . fucking.#i hate everything how do my friends have more . of an interest#wait. oh hold the FUCK .#nah ok thats my own doing in Some Fuckign Way what am i doing wrong#okay anyway whatever lol#anyway .i wanna cry at the fact that i literally . am going to b in brisbane for a week n liyerally dont havr to see him
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