#im actually very anxious about posting these
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hello. below is me rambling about my new au - the ancient city one - and what i have down for it all right now. its just me rambling, and i tend to talk like im actually TELLING people about my ideas? like im sitting across from someone explaining it, and i try to imagine im speaking to someone who knows nothing about the sanses to try and like, GRIP the characters right, yknow? so yeah - lol
uh gore warning ig? its only descriptions for now, but i WILL be drawing them at some point!
oh yeah its bsp too lol
Story starts with Cross, who was disowned by his father after the death of his brother, which happened slightly after a very large argument between Cross and said brother. this is set in an old-ish setting. not quite modern day, not quite old timey. more fantasy set time - anyway yeah, Cross gets kicked out and shamed . oh hes human too here, you'll see later-
Cross is supposed to read as slightly unlikable, not fully, but with enough character flaws to balance out his good traits. Hes cold, very ambitious, but quite selfish too. he finds it hard to put himself in others shoes, and is focused, at first, in his own self interest. at the same time, he can be incredibly sweet, and self sacrificing when he wants to be. a hero truly. hes adaptable, and strong willed, even if he can sometimes break down in an anxious mess.
Cus Cross has been disowned, he decides to set out on his own path, alone, with not much on his other than his own survival skills - as all men from his town are trained for war and go through mandatory service, as he decides to treck and explore the world, figuring maybe, if he was luckily, he'd find a NEW home and family..
Eventually, one night, Cross is attacked by wolved while out setting up camp for the night. they destroy everything he'd worked for, and would him near fatally,
One of the wolves got a bit to his head, biting right into his right eye, leaving an awful bite mark over it that forces his eye shut forever. he isnt TECNICALLY blind, but he cant really open it without massive pain, ( it will eventually get infected and need to be removed. but thats WAYY in the future.)
Cross in his mad bid for safety, managed to scale a slight cliff edge, and find a very tight cave on a said cliff edge, managing to climb up over this ledge covered in lichen and algae, and sneaking into the gap that the wolves cannot reach. unfortunately, Cross wasnt expecting the drop.
When Cross wakes up, hes in what can only be described as the ruins of an old settlement, a… city? he thinks? the stone buildings are all destroyed, looking like a bomb has gone off through it, the stone in rubble, but miraculously, there are these glowing blue lanterns handing off posts that make up bridges connecting the little 'islands' of rubble to another in a pattern, those lanterns dim, but glowing faintly enough he can see his way… hes lying in a small pond, or a well or somthing, glowing blue algae covering the water, and HIM by extension, the water cold and soaking him to the bone.
What the hell happened here?
its as Cross is trying to right himself and fugure out where the HELL he is that he sees three figure in the distance...
They move, they walk, but theyre… theyre skeletons...
.... mostly. a couple of them look like they have a LITTLE flesh covering them, but its all mouldy and rotten. theres three of them, and all of them are dressed in dark robes, and covered in that ALGAE-lichen stuff, all that glowing cyan and black colour, spreading over their limbs like a plague. they seem all slightly confused on Cross entering their domain, the shortest one looks at his suspiciously under their cowl, and the tallest, with his awful head wound, pokes and prods at Cross and his broken body with fascination. the other one, with pitch black oozing eye sockets, seems FACINATED with him, excited even, theyre rubbing up against Cross like a cat and getting that black/cyan stuff all over him, Cross to scared and in pain to push it away from him
are they… inhabitants of the past settlement, maybe?
Turns out they can, mostly, speak english. they speak with an accent like no other, one Cross cant place, and use what Cross can only describe as odd and outdated words sometimes, but they seem to be able to understand him, at least. and they understand hes hurt, and needs help..
theyre kinda… well, theyre creepy as shit, no doubt bout it, but theyre not��� TRYING to be? theyre curious and weird and a bit gross, but theyre almost CAT like? they purr, they nuzzle, they even fucking SNIFF him at first, and dunk his head under the water when they find his scent distressing. - thats Killer to note - they have fucking TAILS - he sees them when Goopy turns to chirp at his friends-
theyre in different states of decay… though the flesh they DO have is little, and covered by that lichen stuff holding it to their bones like stitches, theyre not ACTIVLY rotting anymore? nor do they really smell?
The smallest one seems to speak for them, not really out of any leadership, but because Goopy doesnt seem to really understand, and Head Wound seems to only make rumbling chirping noises - they ALL make those noises, but… Scarf seems to understand him best, even it they CLEARLY dont trust Cross…
they work for their Master, and lover, a Creature named Nightmare. a being made from that black/cyan stuff, and the one who destroyed this previous kingdom entirely, killing all residents
well all, bar three? are.. well, are they dead or..?
Killer mostly moves on all fours, close to the ground, almost like a spider. he CAN stand upright, but its painful for him, and hes quicker lower to the floor. Dust is the shortest and has these glowing red spots that act like pupils in his eyes, one of them corrupted by the cyan stuff. Horror has an actual EYEBALL still in his left socket - the side with the big wound - while the other is empty. Dust is the least 'decomposed' and still has slight bits of pale tinged-purple-blue skin held to his bones with the algae stuff, but he seems to try and hide it under his layers of clothes. both Killer and Horror have claws, while Dust has his filled down and softer, though still SHARP! Killer is much more intelligent than he appears.
all three of the skeletons used to be human! theyre of a different race to any Cross would know, and mostly lived in caves and hollowed out mountains - theyre usually small people - Horror being what the kingdom would call 'a giant', with a range of skin tones but most being a soft brown, and hair that stems from black to dark red and oranges - they mostly all have dark eyes better suited to dark environment, and good senses
Dust is the most 'intelligent' of the three, seemingly knowing an array of languages and seems to know how to heal. Killer has spikes and bone shards and teeth sticking from his clothes and has a dagger attached to his belt - maybe some kind of warrior? Horror carries a spear with him that he leans on as he walks. he seems to be able to walk fine without it, but uses it almost as a cane - maybe a pain condition over physically not being able to move? with the head wound.. well, does that even MATTER anymore?
Anyways, yeah, noot noot-
Nightmare used to be a spirit of protecting for the city, until a disagreement with his Other Half, quite literally, his twin brother Dream - two beings born of the same soul, which caused Nightmare to corrupt.
Nightmare doesnt show up until at LEAST halfway through the story!
this story will eventually conclude with Cross joining them, and them all falling in love, Cross getting the answers he wants about them, and getting his FAMILY that he desperately craves.
im still working on this obs, but im gonna be doing some drawings of them not lol - obviously theres gonna be a bit of a gore warning -
#rues rambles#undertale au#dust sans#killer sans#horror sans#cross sans#nightmare sans#murder time trio#bsp#bad sans poly#lore drop#cw gore#the spookies stuffs#kinda minecraft inspired!#you read the post and youll see why lol#the forgotten city au
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AAAAAA big deterence from my usual postings
Flexing the multifandom brain cells and dropping these studies I did of stinky mask man:
Seemed seasonally appropriate
#michael myers#halloween#im actually very anxious about posting these#but#super proud of these#there were a LOT of unpresentable studies and whatnot i did before these#might share those too with my nOtes#been tryna get this dude's likeness all month#the ibis paint noise layers doing wONDERS for me istg#slashers#horror#im genuinely so obsessed with this dude LMAO#leon on the froggy chair art
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I really wish Venus's doll had sneakers similar to Clawdeen's original core doll. Still with the mouth detail, and maybe vine-like laces, and a leaf shaped tongue.
#monster high#monster high dolls#monster high gen 3#venus mcflytrap#i dont love her outfit overall but her shoes really ruin it for me#they could have been really cool but idk i think the designers dropped the ball a bit#the weird pink to gray gradient is very awkward to me but g3 loves its shoe gradients for some reason#im looking at a close up picture now and the details are actually nice they'd look a lot better if they were all black#and cut at the ankle#im anxious at work so im rambling about small things dont mind me#text post#even tho i actively dislike clawdeens original core doll i LOVE her sneakers to death#genuinely might be my favorite pair of doll shoes ever i want them irl#g3 is very good when it comes to sneaker designs which is why im craving more#hopefully she'll get another doll that'll have cool sneakers
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Holy fuck, man. What a trip Fearne has been on, huh?
You tell her how grateful you are to have her in your life, you flatter her, you tell her you need her, that you have to do this together. You have her make a promise that has this woman, born of chaos and fey, agreeing through shaking hands and a trembling voice.
You make her deceive your friends; you make her follow where they cannot know; you make her help you into this contraption; you make her feed this thing into you despite the fact that you both have been warned extensively of the risks. You make her watch you crumble and splinter and shatter and fracture and burst and implode. You make her watch you die, over and over and over and over, for a minute in agonizing bullet time.
You make her do all these things, because when she tries to back out, when she tries to not be the one who let you do this—how could you do this—
you tell her, "YOU PROMISED."
Because if there's one thing you know, it's that the fey do not break a promise.
#cant wait for her to fucking pissed for a very long time. shes really packing the entire human experience in a very short period of time.#critical role#cr spoilers#c3e77#fearne calloway#ashton greymoore#bells hells#just gonna get ahead of the um actually mfs and state that i am aware that its not confirmed that thats why ash brought up the promise#but boy howdy would it make for some great drama down the line huh?#edit: apparently i did not get ahead enough cuz ive had to turn off replies#since ppl were somehow interpreting this mini introspection piece as me infantilizing fearne??#anyway the first line is now changed to something a bit more neutral. after sleeping on it i do see how it was a bit aggressive at the top#other than that im not sure how else to reword without completely disregarding the core of the post#i might make more posts addressing this but im not sure yet. i wanna try to approach it in the best way possible.#but if it helps any the point of the post was not to say fearne had no agency. she had plenty of moments where she tilted one way or the#other. the POINT was to just shine some light on the emotional pressure she had been put under.#hasnt your friend ever asked you to keep a secret or promise that felt wrong or unsafe or made you anxious?#it has nothing to do with the amount of agency she had. ash wasnt holding a knife to her throat and forcing her to follow against her will#all i was trying to do was take this detail about his reminder of the promise that i thought was interesting and have some fun writing an#overview of the kinda stress she was under BEFORE theyd reached that scene. this entire ep was everyone discussing how grateful they were#for this family theyd made. and while im not saying ash was PURPOSELY emotionally manipulating fearne..#there is a level of unintentional manipulation when you pair the severity of his request with the convo theyd had 2 seconds prior#as well as the desperate need they all have to save each other NO MATTER WHAT.#ash was giving incredibly strong energy of a friend who peer pressures you into helping them do something that you know in your gut WILL#cause problems. hes a fucked up guy. theyre all fucked up guys. even if he didnt mean to “force” her into anything the pressure was THERE.#<- i feel like all of this overall gets my message across. i think maybe ill clean it up later into its own post.#im gonna try not to rush myself to get it done tho.#im under no obligation to explain myself. especially when ppl approach the misunderstanding by being rude af. but i do think it CAN#be clarified so id at least like to try to some degree
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have some alastors (ft: unrequited radiostatic)
#very anxious to post hazbin doodles#i really hope people are chill#i know a lot of people hate vivzie but for the record i know very little about her and i dont want to know#i just think its a fun show so like. please be normal about this ok.#sigh i might delete this later actually#my hands are shaking actually maybe this is a bad idea#please be normal guys#doodles#hazbin hotel#alastor#vox#its very hard to figure out how to draw these guys but im trying
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*peeks behind corner*
*leaves*
...of course, I should mention that this was only possible with the help of @patchwork-crow-writes; he helped me with the final stage of writing and gave me a ton of good feedback+writing tips, and was just super encouraging during the entire writing process. It'd never get done, much less posted, without his help, so thank you again Mr. Crow!
#i said i was going to sleep on my alt#i lied#i feel very anxious posting this so i will absolutely not be resting easy#BUT#I'm proud of it being done#its just like posting fanart for the first time#i felt super embarrassed about it at first#now im drawing fluffy princes on my hands at work and throwing it up here without a second thought#just gotta adjust to it i guess#okay but I'm like actually falling asleep at my desk though im gonna get a cookie and go to sleep for real now#night night yall#deltarune#ralsei#kris#fanfiction#new tag new tag woohoo
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I feel like I've grown so much as a person the past couple years but not in like...quantifiable ways. I am very proud of myself.
#its little things#ive done a little more introspection about what i like and why i like it and tried to apply that to other areas of my life#and ive started actively working on embracing feeling uncomfortable and doing things that make me anxious anyways#feel like ive become a Human Person rather than an abandoned building#im very very proud of me. i hope the progress continues#this post brought to you by: me#saw that post thats like “you ever get surprised by your own reoccurring issue” and realize no!#ive actually taken big steps to confront my reoccurring issue (preferring the devil that i know rather trying something different/scary)!!!#shes still there. its still easy to stay in a familiar sadness. but im reaching for hope so hard! and ive almost caught it!
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man i wanna ramble about my fic to someone so much
into the tags i go
#minhmy rambles#I SAY THIS BC..... there are so many things im planning and writing and im always constantly second guessing myself and i am too much of#a coward to actually say something in the discord like asking for feedback or anything and god forbid i ask for it in the a/n of the fic#and like i have my best friend who loves the fic and i have them proofread it but they hadn't rly known the game much outside of Me#and they're currently going thru the game and its a fun fun fun time but also#bc theyre my best friend and supports me no matter what im like. but what if. the way i write is so ooc and you don't know it#even if ur going thru the game rn and still saying its in character and not ooc at all what if ur just biased to me and my fic and#see im a huge overthinker i am so anxious and insecure about everything and thats why loop and sif are like that in my fic which is why#its OOC...... ITS NOT!!!!! ITS NOT ACCURATE THERES NO WAY........#anyways . i love my friend very much but i would also love to have more ppl to talk about my fic with but also. i never shut up#and if i do its bc im overthinking interactions#so like if anyone. wants to talk to me about my fic 👉👈 pls hmu im probably never gonna make another post like this ever again#the horrifying ordeal of being known#it strikes again#if you also want to talk about isat too thats fine i like talking about isat a whole lot#i might even give spoilers for my fic or i might not#might just ask a bunch of questions like “does this make sense does this make sense does this make sense”#ANYWAYS. .. y'kno. yeha#aoyany fic talk
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I think people should be allowed to share their distaste for certain headcanons n such without people making posts about how they’re ‘gatekeeping’. for as much as I’m a ‘do what you want’ kinda dude, I do think that includes allowing people to express why they don’t enjoy something. like most people are pretty civil bout it until you antagonize them by pointing and saying they’re ‘policing’ spaces.
#crow thoughts#sorry fandom stuff is like. kinda stressing me out a bit#and it’s kinda making me nervous to post opinions on things.#additionally I think people need to hear out minorities when it comes to things and not antagonize them#additionally if they aren’t going up to people and saying rude shit or actively posting rude shit in the tags#what does it matter if they don’t enjoy your headcanon?#like I’ve already seen four different posts all talking about fandom negativity and it’s like. just block them.#additionally maybe also don’t put those posts in the main tags? especially if the other person just posted it to their blog :-|#im not explaining this correctly. I just don’t have good experience with people who point and claim negativity#especially in the context of actual criticism about character design preferences and the treatment of certain designs#like you cannot deny that people treat fat designs very differently from skinny designs#ur not a bad dude for having a skinny design but you gotta allow people to discuss and critique things#idk I’m just tired as fuck seeing people in the main tags make longass posts about an opinion from a handful of people-#-who only posted it to their blog and not directly in the tags yknow?#if I get too anxious I’ll delete this but for now I’ll post this
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This is long winded rant about Cogwheels by Akutagawa
I wrote this a while back in a fit of obsession over the irl Akutagawa (that will never go away). I'd consider it vague analysis/ summary and not 100% focused on the BSD character if that's what you're looking for. Tbh I'm practicing my analysis/ writing skills and I'm not very confident in them yet. All this warning, it's not actually that bad I think (hope), I just have high standards for myself.
Anyways this is for @twinksintrees who asked about it
PDF of Cogwheels by Akutagawa Ryunosuke that I used:
https://documents.pub/document/ryunosuke-akutagawa-cogwheels.html?page=1
Cogwheels is a fictional work by Akutagawa Ryunosuke, but it’s widely acknowledged to be a thinly veiled autobiography. It was written in 1927, the same year the author commits suicide.
The story follows the main character’s thought processes in his day to day life. The events that occur aren’t what captivates me, but the emotions and thought patterns described. The mood is consistently very alone, different, and other from the population. This feeling of otherness is furthered by the paranoia the main character is experiencing, which drives him away from the few people he knows and the various physical illnesses he struggles with. His thought patterns feel disjointed to the reader, containing lots of logical leaps. He'll notice a recurring theme or object, like seeing an airplane several times in different situations and become paranoid and obsessive over the meaning of it. Throughout the work these varying recurring themes seem random and unimportant to the reader until the climax in which the character goes on a walk and encounters each of the subjects of those recurring themes, which he had been perceiving as premonitions of insanity and death. The culmination of all the foreshadowed repetition and the subsequent breakdown he has as he believes he is dying breaks down the distance the reader feels to the illogical fears and thoughts. The paranoia becomes justified to an outside observer when it all comes together.
Cogwheels reflects Akutagawa’s deteriorating mental state, as he successfully committed suicide the same year it was written. According to his Wikipedia page, he had intensifying and persistent visual hallucinations throughout his life as well as anxiety. We’ll never know the specifics of his mental illness, but I believe liberties can be taken to apply the experiences of the main character in Cogwheels to its author as the story is mostly autobiographical. The main character’s thought patterns revealed what I interpreted as compulsions and possibly OCD (but I am not particularly knowledgeable on the subject), depression, paranoia and other symptoms I may not be able to diagnose. The way in which these experiences are written and the feelings the descriptions invoke could not have been done by someone who wasn’t experiencing those exact things.
The story feels like a very honest look into how Akutagawa thought and his worldview. This was written as his struggles and illnesses (mental and physical) were coming to climax. Another detail that may be Akutagawa’s thoughts projected is that multiple times in the story the character wants to admit himself to a mental hospital, but, "to go there meant death to me." Akutagawa’s life was plagued by fear of inheriting his mother’s madness. She was admitted to a mental institution when he was very young. Toward the end of his life that fear only grew as well as, "a vague sense of anxiety about my own future," which is one main reason for his suicide, given in his suicide note.
Regarding suicide, I can't help but think of how Dazai and Akutagawa's roles are reversed in BSD as they are in real life. The author Dazai greatly looked up to Akutagawa and I wonder what he may have thought and felt reading the works of a similarly depressed author. He was very affected by Akutagawa's death, being around 18 when it happened (Akutagawa was 35). The authors really are very similar, their works known for being bleak. It’s as if everyone else can't see how horrible things are and they are uniquely miserable in the world. As I continue to learn about the two authors I hope to compare their similarities in writing style and lifestyle in more depth.
Akutagawa also had connections to Junichiro, with whom he publicly disagreed over whether the content or the structure of a story is more important in writing. Akutagawa argued that structure, or how the story is told, is more important. Any relationships between the real life inspirations for the Bungou Stray Dogs characters interests me, and I find this opinion held by Akutagawa relevant to Cogwheels. The content of the story is the quite mundane and sad life of the character, while the descriptions of declining sanity and the emotions conveyed are what I believe make the work so compelling. I’d be interested in reading Junichiro’s work to compare how his preference for the content and plot of a story impacts his writing.
In Cogwheels, the character’s emotions are constantly being influenced by anything he may perceive as or relate to something negative. His “normal” thought patterns or casual day will be interrupted once he makes any sort of negative connection or suspicious observation. He will obsess over the meaning of it, spiraling into distress and anxiety.
This is my favorite example of that:
""Asylum" was precisely what it was. I somehow felt something soothing in the rosy tint of the wall and relaxed at a table. Fortunately there were only a few other customers there. I sipped a cup of cocoa and started to drag on a cigarette, as usual. The smoke rose in a faint blue stream up the rosy wall. The harmonious mingling of the soft colors was agreeable to me. But after a time I discovered a portrait of Napoleon on the wall to my left and began to feel uneasy again. When Napoleon was only a student, he had written on the last page of his geography notebook: "Saint Akutagawa Helena, a small island." lt might have been, as we say, only a coincidence. But it must have made even Napoleon shiver eventually . . . Gazing at Napoleon, I thought about my own work. And there burst upon me certain phrases in A Fool's Life. (Especially the words, "Life is more hellish than hell itself.") And also the hero's fate in my Hell Screen-a painter called Yoshihide. Then.. smoking I looked around the cafe trying to escape such memories. I had taken shelter here no more than five minutes earlier. Already the place had undergone a complete change. What made me most uncomfortable was the fact that the chairs and tables of imitation mahogany did not go with the rosy walls. Afraid I should fall into an agony imperceptible to others, I tried to get out of the cafe by quickly tossing down a silver coin."
This passage shows how one thing (a painting of Napoleon) will remind him of something negative and cause a downward spiral that seems to contain leaps between subjects, and he becomes distressed. As a fan of the writing style, I especially notice and admire the way Akutagawa describes the color of the wall as soothing in the beginning, with pleasant imagery, then cites the colors of the furniture and walls as his greatest source of discomfort in the end of the passage. The character feels as though the very environment around him has turned against him, changing with his shifting moods. What was pleasant has become hostile, the outside mirroring his inner state.
The last paragraph of Cogwheels is something that has struck me since the first time I read it. It’s the character’s reaction to the climax of the story, in which he went on a walk and had a breakdown over the culmination of the recurring premonitions:
“It was the most frightening experience in my life- l haven't the strength to go on writing. lt is inexpressibly painful to live in such a frame of mind. lsn't there anyone to come and strangle me quietly in my sleep?”
I am reminded of what Asagiri said in an interview: “This story (Bungou Stray Dogs) is not for people who are good at living.” Akutagawa was also arguably not good at living, which creates a connection between the inspiration for the manga character and its reader that fascinates me.
As much as I describe the thought patterns and paranoia in Cogwheels as something somewhat foreign, something experienced by someone who was nearing the end and reaching the height of their lifelong mental illness, I find some familiarity in it. Akutagawa was far from good at living and the lack of control and fear I sense in his life and in this story resonate with me. I’m drawn to the hopeless tone of his works and the tragedies of his life.
Sources and Further Info:
Akutagawa’s Wikipedia page
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ry%C5%ABnosuke_Akutagawa
Some of his childhood and analysis/ comparison to Edgar Allen Poe
https://www.washburn.edu/reference/bridge24/Akutagawa.html
BSD Wiki for some of the relationship between author Dazai and Akutagawa
https://bungostraydogs.fandom.com/wiki/Real-life_References
A partial translation of the Asagiri interview (@Popopretty1 on Twitter)
https://twitter.com/Popopretty1/status/16634469970163916
#friends it is 4:16 am and I am too tired to keep rereading this so here you go#I kinda don't love it but I'm proud of it anways#it takes practice to get good so this is practice#this kind of thing is why my mom thinks im bonkers lol#slippery slimey#bungou stray dogs#if you read it you can leave constructive criticism or say something nice:)#akutagawa#guys idk if im cold or just very anxious about posting this bc i am literally shaking probably both#this is the first thing ive posted from a computer usually im on my phone#ok ill stop rambling and actually hit post
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Time for my favourite game: Do I Have A Crush On This Person Or Have I Just Never Had A Friend This Close And Also Never Had A Crush Therefore I Am Interpretating My Affection For This Person As Romantic Attraction
#if you know me irl then dont bring this up to me i shall shut you down immediately#i worry that i am just overthinking as this happens often with my friends but its never gone on for this long???#maybe its just that theyre also quite physically affectionate and have a tendancy to use pet names so im like “oh touch+pet names = romance”#combined with me just liking them s lot its created this#i do not get anxious or flustered around them#just like i want to talk to them all the time and want to cuddle with them and constantly subconsciously go to them#hmmmmmmm#once again if i know you irl YOU MUST FORGET THIS POST THE VERY INSTANT YOU SEE IT#(although i used they instead of the person's actual pronouns i think it is pretty obvious who im talking about to any of my other friends)
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i feel weird and self conscious about my art again. sigh
the entire post ended up in thw tags ohb my god
#imptxt#ill talk about it more here#i do actually really like my art overall#i love my artstyle a lot it's so fun! lineless art awesome yay ^_^#i also really like the fact that i can very easily make super experimental art without feeling. bad or something.#BUT#i started drawing later than a lot of other people i guess. i haven't drawn since i was born i started drawing on aj when i was 9/10#and i didn't ever use references when i was younger which has made me incredibly. anxious about using them now :(. doesn't help that i am-#genuinely scared of using human refs because. i feel like they're staring at me#ive been seeing a lot art by people who are the same age as me or younger recently which is. technically a lot better than me currently#like. skills wise or whatever#and the ideas ive been having in my head have also become a lot more. out of my comfort zone/abilities#which is making me feel like i have to improve but. i don't really feel like it at the same time. i just want to have fun#but. i also want my art to be more interesting and dynamic anf just. Cool i want to have cooler art.#i haven't really used any tutorials but. None of them are really just. suitable for me from what i can tell??? idk man. different artstyles#to the one i have.#it's. it sucks.#i hate it.#sigh#ive also been feeling more guilty about yhe art i post recently???#idk. it feels repetitive and i don't want that. sigh.#i also wanna draw backgrounds man i love backgrounds but they're difficult#nothing is stopping me from doing that tbh. i just. have been very focused on drawing characters and ive been lazy with them#thankfully background refs aren't difficult for me to use.#ouuuhggvgg art js a Fuck why do i do it#(it's so fun hats why)#helllk wajt i just realised the reason why this is happening is because the thing im reading has fucking banger art#You Fucker. whatever you're forgiven god your art is so goals hs.#maybe i can. hm#AART YAY!!!!
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~going to be mushy an moment~ okay but like i'm so glad i made this blog; like holy fuck I adore everybody so much. like i love the writing styles, vast arrays of kickass muses and just aaaaa
#<<insomniac vampire speaking>> mun post#(im basically still half asleep lmao and its an time most people are busy but like !!!!)#(when i say this idiot has had several iterations in my head/bits of old attempts etc/i was so nervous to give an main blog to him)#(or how every time i followed somebody first i was so anxious etc only for so many neat people to be like k sup)#(i could stand to branch out more but like i'm also so very happy with the natural course that is happening)#(do need to work on more initiating/having more antics and that i wont get stabbed if i go !!! about things to people)#(just vibing as i want? feeling less anxious/having actual dash activity is neat)#(and like i don't feel too bad d.ominion brain rotting cuz that was 2 rewatches ago that nudged me into giving this whole thing an go)#(anyways if ur reading this hi yes be not afraid to hit me up ooc to ramble about things etc or write against me)#(im just an silly goofy idiot whose out here vibing)
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hi i would just like to report that getting out of my house and being a member of society is cool and kind of rules even when its scary yeah.//.
#uploads#imjustsittinghere#meeting this at work like actually went well it was really chill and cool to see everyone#like yeah i did embarrass myself trying to introduce myself wehn we all went around idk i got like really anxious halfway thru#talking and sortve just mumbled off the end of my intro but it wasnt so bad i think#at least had good chats with like two people ive only sort of met online and they were nice so : )#literally forgot how nice it was jus to be around other people and do work and stuff its cool. we all had to get new laptops#and were just hanging around the IT station waiting and chatting and i felt a littel more whole than i have been#oddly feeling restored instead of drained and feeling better than i have been the last couple weeks#no idea how long it will last but we can treasure the joy for now#ordered some books i wanted and a bunch of new yarn#plus my new hoodie is finally supposed to get here tomorrow so im pumped : )#still missing alot and a little lonely but ya know what else is new#thank u to everyone for not making fun of me for being vulnerable on my ig story i had to get it out#n truly i really just was like this is stuff i post and say on tumblr anyway why not be a lil open about my feels to my close friends#smtimes its good to be a lil vulnerable even if its scary#very much love <3 :*#oh and also jsut on==unrealted#but i hate that i look better with a fresh clean shaven face cause shaving is so annyoing lol#like i really do look way more cute and handsome i just cannot be fucked to shave more than once a week really or even that often#keep thinking like i should get laser hair removal on my face but no that is far too permenant#what if i look handsome with a beard when im older#but for now i need to toggle that shit off like a video game character i swear#anyway <3 very sleepy just finishing work have a big day of recceving packages and sewing with my friend later#kiss kiss xx
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If it's okay for me to add something related because I first saw this on Tumblr: In the mid-2010s, I heard about there being a gay Filipino deity romance (from one culture in the Philippines - there are many different cultures and beliefs) here on Tumblr. It wasn't until years later when researching Philippine deities for fun while trying to broadly connect with my culture that I found a deep dive where someone found that the Bulan and Sidapa love story originated from the same fictional blog source, and had been circulating from new sources and fan art claiming it was historical for years before the author tried to find a non-modern historical source for the rumour, creating a kind of Berenstain/Berenstein effect on the people he asked, claiming they'd heard about the love story from a forgotten source much earlier than the 2010s, but unable to give a specific name, or the source cited claimed they didn't actually know about the romance.
While I think in this instance, a shift in narrative is obviously okay when you consider it is still a living Filipino culture, and people from that clearly find identity with this modern take (which should be asked of people from the cultures directly affected by misinfo), it should also be important not to rewrite it as 'historical fact' particularly when it has a fictional modern source that someone can directly point to as the origin when they question and search down the telephone line (like the game).
(I use the word 'fictional' only in reference to the originating blog, because the blog was unable or unwilling to provide any sources that mentioned that relationship to the deep dive author. I'm not implying said gods can't be/aren't gay. I'm not from that specific Philippine culture, and I don't have enough background knowledge to make any claims of my own. There's also no like, singular religious text/'bible' that pre-Hispanic Philippine beliefs followed as a rule/that can be consulted about this - it's not like a translation debate. There's just no textual source pre-dating the blog making the claim of the romance, and historians/oral historians aren't making the claim either.)
I get variations on this comment on my post about history misinformation all the time: "why does it matter?" Why does it matter that people believe falsehoods about history? Why does it matter if people spread history misinformation? Why does it matter if people on tumblr believe that those bronze dodecahedra were used for knitting, or that Persephone had a daughter named Mespyrian? It's not the kind of misinformation that actually hurts people, like anti-vaxx propaganda or climate change denial. It doesn't hurt anyone to believe something false about the past.
Which, one, thanks for letting me know on my post that you think my job doesn't matter and what I do is pointless, if it doesn't really matter if we know the truth or make up lies about history because lies don't hurt anyone. But two, there are lots of reasons that it matters.
It encourages us to distrust historians when they talk about other aspects of history. You might think it's harmless to believe that Pharaoh Hatshepsut was trans. It's less harmless when you're espousing that the Holocaust wasn't really about Jews because the Nazis "came for trans people first." You might think it's harmless to believe that the French royalty of Versailles pooped and urinated on the floor of the palace all the time, because they were asshole rich people anyway, who cares, we hate the rich here; it's rather less harmless when you decide that the USSR was the communist ideal and Good, Actually, and that reports of its genocidal oppression are actually lies.
It encourages anti-intellectualism in other areas of scholarship. Deciding based on your own gut that the experts don't know what they're talking about and are either too stupid to realize the truth, or maliciously hiding the truth, is how you get to anti-vaxxers and climate change denial. It is also how you come to discount housing-first solutions for homelessness or the idea that long-term sustained weight loss is both biologically unlikely and health-wise unnecessary for the majority of fat people - because they conflict with what you feel should be true. Believing what you want to be true about history, because you want to believe it, and discounting fact-based corrections because you don't want them to be true, can then bleed over into how you approach other sociological and scientific topics.
How we think about history informs how we think about the present. A lot of people want certain things to be true - this famous person from history was gay or trans, this sexist story was actually feminist in its origin - because we want proof that gay people, trans people, and women deserve to be respected, and this gives evidence to prove we once were and deserve to be. But let me tell you a different story: on Thanksgiving of 2016, I was at a family friend's house and listening to their drunk conservative relative rant, and he told me, confidently, that the Roman Empire fell because they instituted universal healthcare, which was proof that Obama was destroying America. Of course that's nonsense. But projecting what we think is true about the world back onto history, and then using that as recursive proof that that is how the world is... is shoddy scholarship, and gets used for topics you don't agree with just as much as the ones you do. We should not be encouraging this, because our politics should be informed by the truth and material reality, not how we wish the past proved us right.
It frequently reinforces "Good vs. Bad" dichotomies that are at best unhelpful and at worst victim-blaming. A very common thread of historical misinformation on tumblr is about the innocence or benevolence of oppressed groups, slandered by oppressors who were far worse. This very frequently has truth to it - but makes the lies hard to separate out. It often simplifies the narrative, and implies that the reason that colonialism and oppression were bad was because the victims were Good and didn't deserve it... not because colonialism and oppression are bad. You see this sometimes with radical feminist mother goddess Neolithic feminist utopia stuff, but you also see it a lot regarding Native American and African history. I have seen people earnestly argue that Aztecs did not practice human sacrifice, that that was a lie made up by the Spanish to slander them. That is not true. Human sacrifice was part of Aztec, Maya, and many Central American war/religious practices. They are significantly more complex than often presented, and came from a captive-based system of warfare that significantly reduced the number of people who got killed in war compared to European styles of war that primarily killed people on the battlefield rather than taking them captive for sacrifice... but the human sacrifice was real and did happen. This can often come off with the implications of a 'noble savage' or an 'innocent victim' that implies that the bad things the Spanish conquistadors did were bad because the victims were innocent or good. This is a very easy trap to fall into; if the victims were good, they didn't deserve it. Right? This logic is dangerous when you are presented with a person or group who did something bad... you're caught in a bind. Did they deserve their injustice or oppression because they did something bad? This kind of logic drives a lot of transphobia, homophobia, racism, and defenses of Kyle Rittenhouse today. The answer to a colonialist logic of "The Aztecs deserved to be conquered because they did human sacrifice and that's bad" is not "The Aztecs didn't do human sacrifice actually, that's just Spanish propaganda" (which is a lie) it should be "We Americans do human sacrifice all the god damn time with our forever wars in the Middle East, we just don't call it that. We use bullets and bombs rather than obsidian knives but we kill way, way more people in the name of our country. What does that make us? Maybe genocide is not okay regardless of if you think the people are weird and scary." It becomes hard to square your ethics of the Innocent Victim and Lying Perpetrator when you see real, complicated, individual-level and group-level interactions, where no group is made up of members who are all completely pure and good, and they don't deserve to be oppressed anyway.
It makes you an unwitting tool of the oppressor. The favorite, favorite allegation transphobes level at trans people, and conservatives at queer people, is that we're lying to push the Gay Agenda. We're liars or deluded fools. If you say something about queer or trans history that's easy to debunk as false, you have permanently hurt your credibility - and the cause of queer history. It makes you easy to write off as a liar or a deluded fool who needs misinformation to make your case. If you say Louisa May Alcott was trans, that's easy to counter with "there is literally no evidence of that, and lots of evidence that she was fine being a woman," and instantly tanks your credibility going forward, so when you then say James Barry was trans and push back against a novel or biopic that treats James Barry as a woman, you get "you don't know what you're talking about, didn't you say Louisa May Alcott was trans too?" TERFs love to call trans people liars - do not hand them ammunition, not even a single bullet. Make sure you can back up what you say with facts and evidence. This is true of homophobes, of racists, of sexists. Be confident of your facts, and have facts to give to the hopeful and questioning learners who you are relating this story to, or the bigots who you are telling off, because misinformation can only hurt you and your cause.
It makes the queer, female, POC, or other marginalized listeners hurt, sad, and betrayed when something they thought was a reflection of their own experiences turns out not to be real. This is a good response to a performance art piece purporting to tell a real story of gay WWI soldiers, until the author revealed it as fiction. Why would you want to set yourself up for disappointment like that? Why would you want to risk inflicting that disappointment and betrayal on anyone else?
It makes it harder to learn the actual truth.
Historical misinformation has consequences, and those consequences are best avoided - by checking your facts, citing your sources, and taking the time and effort to make sure you are actually telling the truth.
#sorry if i get something wrong im trying to refresh my memory as i write this#also just a cool fun fact theres a nonbinary tagalog deity that IS documented in historical texts#which was cool to find out back when i was looking all this up the first time and again just now#i promise im not biased for being tagalog it was just literally recommended reading on the same article#should also state that im also american in america and dont subscribe to belief in philippine deities (as a disclaimer)#but its still super cool to find out how socially accepting the philippines can be about lgbt issues compared with other asian countries#(even if they still face discrimination! obviously should go without saying but someones gonna twist my words i just know it)#(im reminded of the other spanish-us colony... the us. where i live as a native american also. whos tribe Chumash also had/has Two Spirit..#...historically documented in our culture. ill also never know if we had gay love stories b4 the spanish bc we were only oral tradition)#anyway thats a tangent on a tangent on a disclaimer on a tag on an anxiety filled addition to a post#anxiety bc im probably getting something wrong somewhere just know that i am always pro-gay everything all the time forever#i just wanted to add how this disappointed me when i found out the gay was not historical like i originally was made 2 believe#im in full support of modern gay#how mnay times am i gonna say that lmao (how many tags do i have left to be anxious in)#listen one time i got put on a blocklist next to actual transphobes whod hate me and im still anxious every time i post anything online now#(it was over something i said when i was first discovering my gender abt how sex and gender 'are' different and it wasnt worded the best)#and because i was pro-asexual inclusion in lgbt then exclus went and dug up that very obviously old post from my blog to have 'dirt' on me#i fucking hate ace exclusionists lmao dni with me about that topic its been like 8 years stale by now#anyway...#misinformation#disinformation#history#long post#i know theres some drama idk about the article author but i dont want to bring that into this so i didnt name the article#...but its on the aswang project if youre gonna look it up#i want to get books on philippine legends but i dont have the money and theyre not in my library so .. eventually ill read the more...#...scholarly sources on the subject but for now i only have whats online and that site has been a good jumping point imo#ok ive had this reblog open for hours now lemme just post and if someone who knows more can correct me go ahead just pls b nice i rly tried#im tired and i want to get back to my drawing i didnt wanna spend hours beng anxious abt this bc i randomly saw it while break scrolling
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i need a walking around aimlessly tag so bad and i also. Need to stop my brain from fucking with what the ep actually representsJXHXBD
#🤖.txt#Its a GOOD kind of aimless and i have felt it before and its so beautiful#Anyways im sad. Reallyyyy sad bc i have to be in college all day tomorrow and i have some very annoying work to do#That i wanted to finish today but i had to babysit + i couldnt get myself to focus on it at all#Ough i need to turn my brain off but i'll doubt i'll be able to actually fall asleep bc thats so hard when i have class bc mental illness#This wasnt supposed to turn into a vent djhdhdhr but oh well#Ummmm played dayshift today. And it was fun#Thinking about recording myself playing something and like. Actually talking bc maybe that would help with getting myself to actually talk#in vc ? Idk. I need to pratice speaking english out loud Somehow#But idk when i'll be able to do that#I keep thinking about putting things on hold until my sister grows up enough to go to school or my mom gets someone else to babysit but its#too early for that. Idk. Not excited to not sleep and spend the whole week anxious and in pain and feeling like nothing is real#vent#suprise note essay attackJFHDHHF#Man i need to make art and actually post it but. Points at everything i already said
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