#(which given that Im the only girl should be obvious but nobody bothered at the previous institute. in YEARS I was just Missy)

[llitchilitchi]

honestly I think with this finals season I earned myself the right to be a Frivolous Femme when I attend my classes/lectures. yes yes women shouldn't have to prove themselves as worthy in a male-centric field and groups but I am not gonna lie to myself. I know IT people can be sexist as fuck, I had to deal with it regularly at the institute I studied at before, it's kinda how things are as of right now. on top of all that I am the only woman getting a masters at the institute, so there's all the more pressure. but my grades are good and I know what I'm on about and the professors and teachers like me, so I guess I can wear high heels and flared skirts and embroidery and jewelry to my lectures without people looking down at me for that.

[asa-kai]

Ref. to Chapter 177

Faint chirps of sparrows blending with the soft blow of air from the sea. All of that is crystal clear for Saionji Ukyo the former Sonar man from the Kingdom of Science.

It was almost like yesterday, when they were still sailing on the big blue beneath the widespread  sky along with seagulls and now they are making their way to their next destination-South America.

After a long day of riding their motorbikes the crew made a stop to eat and rest. Thanks to Senku's customized motorbikes they can quickly outrun Stanley and his team.

Although they made it that far, the fact they're being pursued can't settle in Ukyo's mind.

Looking around finding a high place to spend the night he found a huge boulder high enough for anyone to bother climbing but just the right one for him to reach the top.

This little climbing is nothing compared to his past special forces training, he proudly recall. It would be nice though if he can find a tree on the dessert just like that back on the days when he's still working for the Tsukasa's Empire. Where he will watch Tsukasa break human statues in front of him....

Shaking off the bad memories, he perched on the top absorbing the nostalgia  of the night.

"Finally a relaxing silence" he thought to himself.

Or he thought so......

The minimal noises from the campfire can't escape his sensitive ears. The laughter and the conversations are still loud enough for him to be heard.

"It can't be helped, if only I can shut them like my eyes." Ukyo pouted gazing above the night sky again.

He kept wondering if they could defeat Stanley or reach their destination safely or if they could even survive anything that could happen tonight.

He was so disturbed of the thought of what he's going to do if Senku can't fufill his promise that nobody dies. Calming his nerves and clearing his thoughts he starts to close his tired eyes.

Just then he heard footsteps below coming toward the boulder his perching on and base on the weight,speed and pattern of the footsteps it matches someone from the battle team.

"Kohaku?" Ukyo mumbled without realizing saying it out loud.

The huntress' vigilant eyes suddenly looked up to the perching archer.

"What are you doing up there?"

Before the young man can say a word he was surprised to see Kohaku sitting next to him enough for sending him to jolt.

She's really fast. The boulder must be really just a pebble to her

Despite the archer's obvious reaction the huntress seems to be deep into thoughts. She tilt her head up to sky and smile wistfully. Forgetting what just happened the man beside decided to join his new company's little stargazing.

The breeze is faint yet cool, chilling their skin but making one smile lightly.

Kohaku turned her head into the campfire's direction and stared back to the sky. Noticing that she's been doing it five times from now,Ukyo getting concerned finally asked the restless lady.

"Um...You've been looking back five times already...what seems to be the matter?"

" Oh sorry....did I bothered you?"Kohaku replied flustered.

" No not at all but I just get a little concrened." He sheepishly smiled.

The crescent moon dimly radiates light on landscape around them. Its almost vague but Ukyo can absolutely tell that Kohaku just smiled again. A meaningful yet gloom smile at that, as she turn around again back to the usual place under her observation.

"So...are you looking at Senku?" Ukyo forcedly scoffed.

Kohaku darted her eyes at the resident archer with a fearful look. However the pink blush on her face gave away the answer.

"Ukyo don't tell me...."

Her voice alone is already eerie when shes talking like that, no wonder they call her beastly names. But right now Ukyo fears that she'll blow, he can't break his good impression he left on Kohaku.

No one would want to ruin her trust

....."you can hear other people's thoughts?!"

Ukyo let out a loud laugh that Kohaku have never heard coming from him. Since he is usually silent the huntress was left jaw dropped.

"Sorry, I just thought it was absurd but its obvious that your looking at our crafty scientist."

Looking at Kohaku's blank face he continued.

"Observance is everything Kohaku you know that right? First of all Hyoga and Tsukasa is present on the campfire so you will have no reason to be worry of a sudden attack. Second you just finished putting Suika to sleep so you came up here to unwind, clearly enough to conclude that your confident that the crew is safe"

" But Ukyo how did you know I was looking at Senku?" Kohaku questioned poking her chin.

Ukyo took off his hat and start tossing it and then he answered.

" Well you know....I spend my free time observing both nature and people and through all that there's not a time I will not hear a talk about you two especially from Ginro..."

" Ginro....that scum..."

" Its not his fault though since his trying his best to lower his voice, I just happen to still hear it anyway." He concluded wearing his makeshift hat again.

"Oh having such great ears an advantage yes?" Kohaku sarcastically grinned.

" Its not that great"  Ukyo defended, besides you two usually hang out together-just the two of you." Realizing he had said to much Ukyo turn to Kohaku to see her reaction.

" Oh so your a stalker now huh?" Kohaku even grinned wider and there is literally like a black smoke surrounding her right now.

Ukyo gulped down with two beads of sweat on his face, but what he expects on what the huntress is going to do is turned down though.

Kohaku hug her knees and hide her face.

"Who am I to be offended by you...Im the same too. I will sometimes shortly glance at Senku when he's not aware and I don't know why. I constantly worry about him as an ally and friend but I think its getting out of hand and  becoming a habit."

Although Kohaku is not showing a bit of faze on her tone but he can tell that she's worried and troubled for some reason.

"At least you can just close your eyes and never look again." Ukyo pointed out.

" That's the problem I can't turn away my eyes on him nor I can shut them. Not when there's another girl beside him" Kohaku's voice cracked at the last words she said.

Ukyo just came to a realization how wonderous yet coincedental life  can be sometime

Moments ago  he's worrying about the well-being of his friends who are safe sound but his companion is worrying about her problem on worrying too much  about Senku than the given normal.

Him worrying about the things that are still not happening.

Her worrying about a small thing but tormenting her right now

However he can relate on Kohaku's envy on her advantageous sense of sight.

"Our so called gifts can be such a nuisance huh? But maybe you can still use their trouble you know?"

Kohaku is now a friend and an ally to him and he will gladly help her if she need it.

It is the first time he'll personally offer help to the mighty huntress. Given Kohaku's physique its almost though she will need no help but ironically right now  she's carrying which sometging which is to say in the old world a common problem but even she the mighty Kohaku can't handle it on her own. Theres no human who haven't experienced jealousy not even once.

Kohaku hanging on what he just said paid her attention closely to the archer as if like  desperate child looking for answers.

Ukyo can't even conclude if she's solely worrying about Senku's well-being or if its something more than that and it looks like Kohaku is doubting herself as well.

Ukyo took a deep breath hoping what he's going to say will help.

"Like I said Kohaku, observation is everything."

The huntress gets even more attentive at this point. Confirming the words in his head Ukyo continues.

"The truth is I'm also envious of my sensitive hearing, sometimes I will hear things Im not suppose to hear but you know what really helps? Ukyo paused giving a warm smile.

Yes what Kohaku needs right now is emphathy  even though his knowledge in psychology is inferior that of Gen but it is one of the common and genuine way to help out anyone.

..."I just let it."

Kohaku slightly flinch and her eyes widened.

"Forcing yourself to hold it in even when your about to throw up just makes matters worse right?  I should know, my first day at the submarine makes me really sick that I want to pull my gut out."

Yes your'e not alone

...

...

" Uh sorry about the gruesome illustration."

"No its only normal." Kohaku brushed off.

That's Senku's lioness for you

"I knew Im not the only one... But what I fear if I get attach to him and letting go will be more difficult." Kohaku lamented.

The issue is now clear. She's just blaming it all to her eyes but the real deal is her feelings.

She's growing alright and it is unavoidable for anyone to feel that way.

Like Ukyo can see Senku and Kohaku had been literally went through blades and stones and their mutual trust makes them good friends but somehow its likly that one might start to look at the other differently.

The pair were silent for a while. Letting the evening aura take over making light sounds of air passing through stones.

Ukyo rest his head against his arms for a second trying to get answers for Kohaku's problem.

Though.....

Is he even fit for solving her problem,maybe it would be better if Gen will tell her....no does he even need to solve it?

"Sorry if I bother you Ukyo, I  get too emotional sometimes." Kohaku stand up and started to brush off the dirt from her navy blue dress and just as she's about to wave goodnight, she sensed a sudden spark beside her. Right there, Ukyo made a little  fire from using his bows and with a dozen of small sticks he gathered.

"The answer depends on your resolve Kohaku...you can either choose to look at him forever or shut your eyes, whatever works best for you all I can do is give you my advice. I don't have the authority to tell you what to do...... But right now why don't you let your senses take you somewhere else. It's getting cold you know." Ukyo hummed while putting more ignition on the fire.

Kohaku was drawn to the relaxing warmth of the newly made campfire a little smaller than that with the rest of the crew. Without knowing it she's starting to forget on what she's chafing about, a moment ago.

Unexpectedly an east wind blew caugthing the duo off-guard letting Kohaku's hair went loose and almost taking Ukyo's hat away. Without warning a stronger wind came and blew their makeshift campfire away, getting dark again so suddenly made Kohaku laugh akin to Ukyo who's groaning over the blown campfire.

"Well, some things don't always look and stay as they seem, one minute ago we have the fire I thought will hold yet now its already gone."Ukyo chuckled though  attempting to make the fire again.

"That makes sense....everything change eventually, up to the point where a problem is no more." Kohaku softly stated coming up to her realization.

Ukyo smiled he was  relieved that Kohaku finally get what he means.

"Well Im glad the lesson Im implying  reached you."The archer exclaimed.

" Life goes on Kohaku"

Kohaku nod and smile in agreement.

"Yeah...I also learned you should never build a small fire on a high windy place". She jokingly concluded.

"Come  on I know that....."Ukyo sheepishly laughed.

The night even grew darker but the stars and the moon appears to grew  even brighter. The pair enjoyed the diamond ornamented void as the evening hyms envelops around them.

"Listen Kohaku" Ukyo whispered.

"This might be just one of my ideals but I always believe that life has many angles that each one can see and discover that's why I don't like anyone to die  because they won't be able to enjoy it if they're dead... So Im convincing you to look at the other angles too Kohaku."

The huntress eyes were opened a hint of sparkles will be found in her eyes and a warm smile on her face being moved of what just her trustworthy comrade said. Although it's still not clear in her mind what he is saying. But whatever it is she will someday understand just like what he said life goes on.

" I'll gladly take the advice,I will surely enjoy, look forward to it."

-end

Obviously this is my first fanfic... Just to be frank I got tired reading the romance genre so I made something platonic and between- friends -kind -of- a -thing fanfic between low-key duo in dr. Stone. (Yes you just read it)

Speaking of low-key I'm also making fanfic for other underrated dcst (so called canon couples)

[hxlding-on-blog]

095 hi im that anon again can i please have more peter b and eddie content?

Fluffy Prompts: 095: “Mm…your kid before five in the morning.“ 

@miitochondrial

It was an odd predicament, he had to admit, but Peter didn’t object to having two children; one human with spider powers and the other a symbiote. The two of them were tucked in between Eddie and Peter, a small blob resting above a five year old, Venom comfortable with themselves curled around the two. It was a peaceful night, until the young symbiote woke up and pounced off the bed in curiosity, stretching. 

It was enough to shake their one human child awake, shuffling a bit as they sat up and saw their sibling- Carnage, Venom had urged to name him- punching around the bedroom. In response, May- Peter had wanted to name her after an important person in his life- got up. She lost balance a bit but managed to get off the bed, waking her parents up in the process. Peter groaned, Eddie moving his body closer. 

There was lost warmth, Peter’s head shooting up to see what had happened, only to see Carnage and May on the floor together. What the two of them were doing, he wasn’t sure, but he’d really love to go back to sleep. Still, neither of their children should be up at this hour. Taking a pillow, Peter covered his head and shook Eddie a bit. A stray hand went and found Venom, trying to pat them awake as well.

“Hey. Hey, you two. It’s four in the morning. Go take care of that.” With Eddie’s arm around Peter, it was obvious that he too wanted to stay asleep. But god knew how many sleepless nights Peter had already, Spiderdad or not, tired as all hell. Eddie wanted to turn around, pull Peter’s arm over his body, and go back to sleep. Venom wanted to stay in that state just as much, moving just a bit but not bothering to get up.

“Not my kid yet. Not ‘till it’s five.” Eddie mumbled, legs moving in closer to lock with Peter’s- which they haven’t done in a while, considering their children slept in the middle- but Peter wasn’t going to stand for this. Or, at least, lay down; he’s far too tired to do anything about it. A soft plead came from under the pillow that covered his head, shielding him from the sound of plastic against plastic, Eddie succumbing and getting up. “Fine, alright. I’ll go deal with it, you stay here.”

He gave Peter a kiss to his hand, Venom slithering from their spot to rest on Eddie’s shoulder. He slid out of bed, stretching out his arms and yawning. The two children were playing with a toy truck, Carnage tucked inside as May picked up the small vehicle and was about to run it directly towards the wooden bedpost. Eddie didn’t know the first thing about symbiote children but, if it was anything like regular children, he was going to get hurt.

So he quickly dived down to May’s height, holding the plastic truck in his hand and stopping her from allowing the truck to collide. Both children seemed a bit disappointed but Eddie, with an arm keeping his weight up the floor, he placed the toy down. He let out a soft chuckle, May crossing her arms. “Hey! Dad, what was that for?”

“Hey, hey. If you do that, Peter might wake up. Don’t want that, right? God knows how much your father needs to sleep.” Carnage got out the truck, Venom not paying much attention as he got up May’s back and observed from her shoulder, copying his father’s actions. Eddie picked his little girl up from under the arm, Carnage watching as they got up off the floor. “It’s too early in the morning to play with that, alright? Want to go make pancakes with me?”

The children cheered, Eddie moving her so that her top half would rest on his free shoulder, Venom snaking along the back to be closer to the both of them. They found comfort in the two of them, who were happily being carried off to the kitchen, and promptly laid themselves atop May’s head. She giggled, holding on to Eddie as her legs wrapped around him, one arm as a support underneath her as his other was pressed against her back to keep her from falling. 

Peter was fast asleep once more, his snoring an indication as Eddie left the room. He knew well enough that Peter couldn’t hear the door but, out of habit, he made sure the click of it wasn’t too loud. May and Carnage both waved their sleeping father a goodbye, carried off downstairs to the kitchen. It was far too early to be up but it didn’t seem like either of the kids would head back to bed if he tried so he figured he’d give in to it, yawning once he placed them both down on the floor.

May didn’t reach any higher than Eddie’s waist, Carnage trying their best to take advantage of the added height sitting on May’s head gave, though it wasn’t much. He could see the top of the counter, Eddie taking out a box of pancake mix from the cupboard as Venom helped with taking out a small metal bowl, accompanied by a ladle. She didn’t do much- she helped bring over a cup of water and handle her brother not getting too close to the frying pan- but she felt useful.

Venom lazily retracted back into Eddie’s skin, spreading themselves over his ribcage beneath. It was still early in the morning and, despite Carnage and May’s high energy, they just couldn’t deal with anything at the moment. It left Eddie to deal with these two alone, flipping the pancakes and rubbing at his eyes as he stretched and yawned.

“Hey! What the f-heck are you doing?” He had only turned for a moment to grab a plate, returning to see that May had her hands wrapped around Carnage, who had pounced from his perched spot to, what it seemed to Eddie, as directly above the frying pan. It was enough to nearly force an expletive out his mouth before he censored himself, knowing well enough that if he let one loose that he’d never hear the end of it from Peter. 

Their little girl had crawled up the counter, on all fours, hands hovering just above the dangerous kitchenware. 

“Well, he was- he was gonna jump in there. But then I remembered when Papa tried to do this once and he touched the pan.” Ah, right, of course. May was a smart child and, though she was a handful, both Peter and Eddie were impressed with how fast she managed to learn things, especially given who was raising her. Eddie picked her up, placing her back down on the floor with her brother slithering back to her head. 

“Alright. Be careful, okay?” A free hand pats the both of them, the other placing the plate down as he flipped the first pancake on. He picked a piece, gave it a taste, and gave an approving hum. May tore off her own piece, getting one to hand to Carnage as she ate it as well. For tasting purposes, of course. The two of them agreed that this was a good first pancake, which was finished off as Eddie continued to stack one atop the other. “Now, tell me, what’d Papa Peter do, huh?”

“He burned his elbow.” This explains the mark on it, one that Eddie had figured was from a fight and didn’t mention; it was simply a burn. Eddie chuckled, continuing to flip the pancake whenever he deemed it necessary.  Every so often, Eddie would take a glance at the kids, to make sure they weren’t going to cause any more trouble. It was enough that he feared he would turn out just like his own father but, with the added spider-powered daughter and the jelly son, there were a lot more things to worry about on top of his fears.

“Oh, really? Don’t you think the, uh, the spidey sense would’ve stopped him from getting burned?” She was only five, Eddie knew that well, but she was already so smart at this age. It definitely wasn’t preschool, knowing that their regular routine was singing the alphabet and playing around. He figured it might’ve been from his late night ramblings on the latest report he’d been stuck on for that week, with May listening in and Carnage fast asleep.

The man in question was still asleep, pillow over his head and fingers twitching for Eddie’s contact against his body. It managed to wake him up again, groggy and groaning, two fists rubbing at his eyes as he sat up properly. Nobody was here in the room with him, legs moving over the edge of the bed to get downstairs and find out what Eddie was doing with the kids at- what he saw on the clock to be- four fifty-eight. 

{| PETER IS AWAKE, EDDIE. SET A PLATE FOR HIM. |}

Eddie hadn’t noticed the bedroom door click, Venom having returned to perch on his shoulder to watch over their children. May and Carnage were enjoying their early breakfast, syrup set out. Eddie had gotten coffee started, his own plate of breakfast ready. Though, when Venom had caught his attention, he set out another plate for his husband. “Morning, sleepyhead. Kids weren’t too much. Want some pancakes?”

As he stretched and yawned, Peter made his way to Eddie. He placed a kiss on the top of his head, resting his chin on it soon after and wrapping both arms just above his shoulder. Venom moved so as to not get squished, sticking themselves along Eddie’s arm as he gave a kiss to one of the arms. May responded with sticking her tongue out in disgust, Carnage doing something similar. “Ew, dads. We’re right here.”

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[toldentops]

so uh

there’s this dude that i’ve been talking to for a bit and he was a nice guy and all but he keeps being whiny on deviantart about getting rejected by girls and he calls girls “females” and I honestly feel uncomfortable about him?? he made a journal abt how he’s been miserable and nobody likes him and the girl he liked rejected him. deadass this was the second time he asked this same girl and she rejected him again like dude can’t you take a hint?? This dude asked a girl out, she rejected him, he made a journal about “hmm maybe I should take a break” the writes another journal about how miserableh e is because he asked the same girl out and gets rejected. Honestly what the fuck man, you expect me to feel sorry for you?? then he writes a journal about how he got a girlfriend after he talked about “getting one” like he told me he was just in a rush to have a girlfriend and that honestly bothers me bc he actually confessed to me once about liking me. It was flattering, yes, but it felt so unreal and made up. He just. acts so desperate and yknow I was skeptical about him getting a girlfriend and he told me yesterday “yeah I just want one in the future” like man I get it but that’s all it seems like you’re focused on. dude, like let love come to you don’t go asking for it. 

deadass he mentions everyone in the discord group “hey im single now” and it’s like bitch????/ it hasnt even been a week and he’s just BEGGING for attention.... and I told him “buddy why am I not surprised” like judging by the was he acts in his journals and when he talks to me, he just wants a girlfriend for the sake of having one

he just makes me uncomfortable in general because every time I get onto discord he messages me like “hewwo” or smthn and sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to him but it’s like he messages me the moment he knows I’m online...

I don’t feel sorry for him one bit. First of all, he’s got to get over rejection and not be whiny about it. He’s got to learn when to just stop. I’ll say that he’s admitted to his mistakes before about rejection but the moment he said that he had a girlfriend I just kinda was disappointed. 

deadass his deviantart page says single:looking  like buddy. come ON did you not learn anything at all??

More gripes down below, I just really wanna say everything

See the first time I ever talked to him was him asking for an art trade. He wanted an anthro milotic(which I said in my commission page that I did not do) and he asked if I did fetish art.  I don’t know why I took it in, I just felt kind of uncomfortable about it. I asked him for a mlm scrafty and eelektross couple and he OK but in the description he said male scrafty and ambiguously gendered eelektross. Now, it wasn’t much of a problem but still. I had learned later from him that he doesn’t care for mlm porn, even though he was fine with gay. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t asking for porn, and if he was ok with gay ships, then he should have been fine putting “hey look here’s some gay pokemon” in the description.

He’s also said to me multiple times about how hot lesbian porn is and I’m like “OK” but it’s so clear that he’s fetishizing them. He’s got mostly female pokemon anthro ocs in skimpy outfits and to me, that’s a red signal right there. it literally says in his deviantart “i  like to slap tits on pokemon” and I’m like, OOF....

it’s just so obvious that he fetishizes women., it’s gross.

he’s also got a foot fetish and yknow at the beginning of our conversation I was like well ok, and we both shared what turned us on and there was that mutual trust but one day he asked me to share photos of my feet and just the thought of him jacking off to my feet made me really uncomfortable. Every time I draw his characters he asks if I can show their feet. he’s also asked me to draw nsfw of his characters multiple times, Although I admit I never explicitly said “no” I always said that I was busy or whatever. I was never really against it but he’d always say u don’t have to if u don’t want to” and I’d say “yeah no i dont want to” but he’d ask again at some point like bro dont’ you know how to take a hint

there was always this uncomfortable tension in the conversation, it was always something along the lines of “hey (insert sexual thing here), and then Id be like “nah man im not up to it” and then hed be like oof ok sorry if u don’t wanna do it then u don’t have to but i’d love if you did” and it always felt like guit tripping of some sort. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him and I’d never know how to directly tell him “look I don’t wanna talk to you right now” and I didn’t want to make him feel like I hated him or didn’t care about him. but the more I interacted with him the more I began to feel skeptical of his character despite the many journals about how thankful he is about the people in his life and the apologies

idk if those apologies are good intentioned or just a tactic to guilt other people into feeling sorry for him or whatever. 

So, jump to yesterday where he announces that he was single. all trust in him and his relationship just. dropped. He DID say that the girl just wan’t ready to have a relationship so based on what he told me it’s not really his fault, but just based on the way he acted he acted more liek “hhhhhH she dumped me lemme make everyone feel bad for me Hey guys i don’t wanna talk rn but i feel horrible and  lemme just disappear” instead of “well she just wasnt ready and I understood that so we broke up” 

Buddy if you were really sad and you really loved her you wouldn’t put “single and looking” on your fucking deviantart page. That’s honestly the last straw and I’ve given up on trying to deal with him. I told him straightforward “hey buddy you need to take a break” and he said something like “now’s not the time to tell me this u made me feel worse now” tell me that’s not guilt tripping. THis event is what made me tell you this, I felt the need to address this to you, listen here buddy you need to take a break. That is the point I was trying to get to him. I told him he comes of as desperate, straight and to the point. He told me that other people have told him that too. Buddy can’t you take a hint, like, at all?? 

To be fair, he does make journals saying “oh im sorry about the way I acted and I need yalls help for recovery” and my only thought is “hey maybe if you changed the way you act then maybe this wouldn’t happen again, hence me getting pissed at his “single and looking” status.

also, he kinda just turned 18 so he’s pretty much an adult. I just feel like he shouldn’t feel inclined to have a girlfriend, and the fact that we talked about nsfw stuff at all makes me feel uncomfortable.

the time when we talked were nice, but I just don’t want to talk to him or deal with him, but I also don’t want to regret it.

If anyone wants to see him journals or our conversations, PM me because I honestly don’t know what to do rn and yknow he seems to be completely over it now

the least I can do is protect his name

[survivedeathvalley]

EPISODE 2 - “CHICK FIL A FOR EVERYONE, IT’S RAINING FRIES, HALLELUJAH!” - GABBY

I wanna establish myself as a strong force in this game. When people open skype web and remember they have to be active here I want them to think, "Oh I gotta deal with that bitch Misty too" And I intend on getting to the bottom of who voted for me... Paul [Kage]

Guess who helped start a new alliance! :) Basically Kat, William and I are part of a 3 person alliance called "The Chaos Crew". I feel fairly comfortable working with these two because they both said they were supposedly new to ORGs (don't 10000% buy it), also it would be in all of our interests to stick to a 3 person alliance to make sure that if in the case we do attend tribal we can at least tie if not be in the majority. 

I don't really understand this cast. They're really bad aliases. Yikes... I was talking to that one guy on my tribe with the normal-sounding name and I told him I didn't like making small talk because everyone is "fake". Then he said "I'm not fake! I promise". So I responded that it's not like anyone is fake in *that* way, but it's because of the alias thing... then he thought I was asking him for an alliance. What the fuck. Then he exposed to me that he's NEVER played orgs before and he's SO out of the loop, which might be true, but I don't want to take any chances. I think he's just bad at playing dumb.

http://imgur.com/j0q7pWl

I'm glad that Marco is gone, but I can't help but wonder who voted for Misty.  I hope she doesn't think it was me.  

chick fil a for everyone, it's raining fries, hallelujah!   I have to remember Sunday that I can't be working if I'm not around because Chick fil a does not run on Sundays, I can feel myself forgetting already. 

Misty and I want to work together for the long run, and I'm already scared I'm going to tell her too much info and she'll figure out who I am.  On another note, I noticed the viewing lounge the other day and I wonder if Issy is playing in this, because she's in the VL.  I'm pretty sure she hates me?  We played Arabia together and I lied to her a lot and blindsided her a lot and I think it would be SO FUNNY if we were working together in this, I almost feel like maybe she's Mattie? Thinking back she reminded me of Issy a bit. 

Girl Idk but if we lose I'm voting off the biggest threat in our tribe now that's the tea!

I want Paul out tbh. Me/Bianca/Gabby/Mattie alliance would be the dream. I wanna take control of this tribe. Idk what has gotten into me but I wanna be like Sandra in Game Changers. If we lose, I do plan on making a fake account for Paul and making some fraudulent receipts of him saying he wants Gabby out................... Whatever it takes, you know?

i honestly keep forgetting im in this game! rip me! and also like i think im gonna start impersonating karen so people think I'm her

Nothing has happened yet

https://youtu.be/xB5CQqqra0o

Ummm, so ummm, unmmm, I have no idea what tribal will be like tomorrow

Note to self: NEVER PISS LOGAN OFF.  <3 Paul has got to go, I liked him better when his account wasn't working.  Also I think I figured out who he is because he kept putting a different name instead of Paul when we were doing the challenge.  I don't know that person outside of this game though and can't remember what he said his name was to save my life.   I hope that maybe Misty, Bianca, Mattie and I can vote together to get Paul out of this game, his smart mouth is going to ruin it for all of us.  He was also the more pissy person towards Mattie when she was messing up.  And true, I was lowkey annoyed with her too but then she told us she had dyscalculia and one of my friends has that, and I could see how this challenge could be difficult for her. We should have started it YESTERDAY, i felt like suggesting it but I just... never did.  UGH, I'm so ready for a switch or something, Panamint is dropping like flies and I just hope I'm in a good enough spot to stay another round. 

This tribe is?? Interesting I guess. We don't communicate like at all. Nobody answers pms (including me) and when we do it's like very vague and messy. Alex sends haha every other word and it makes it very hard to see if he's serious or not? I like Jenny she seems cool hopefully we can work together but the rest of this tribe idk 

We just lost.. and of course I was the only one to NOT participate. I'm sure I'm on the chopping block, because at this point I'm pretty sure there's no inactives to hide behind. I'm still gonna push for Paul to go home though. Maybe not be as aggressive as I planned to be.. but I will try to make it work. I trust in Bianca and Gabby so hopefully they keep me safe!

So we lost. Which I expected. And I originally thought I'd be the target, since I fucked up so much we kept having to go back. But Tanner never showed up to participate and everyone has to participate so we lost for that reason instead. Which means that I'm a little safer than I was before, and Tanner is most likely going home. I hope. I'm kind of glad he fucked up tbh, because I think we would've gone either way and now I get to be safe.

Now this is the truth tea and I can't wait to see all my devious villains with me at merge bc it's obvious the other two tribes are stupid enough to actually win a challenge *giggles* 

https://youtu.be/BS93E9_5f1o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpsXJTPAOYE

I think everything is peaceful right now but I just hope everything isn't under the table and no one is targeting me.

Nobody wants to be the first person to throw out a name! It's so annoying! Nothing is happening! Wait, maybe they have an alliance *facepalm*

I dunno what I said last, but I think it was to the effect of I really suck at that flash game and I hope that the people on my tribe are better at it than I am. And... they were! They were actually a lot better than I was at it and I think one person (Alex maybe??) made up the difference of my failings https://media.tenor.co/images/9d06a86bdcd648c964e322559fdd3b80/tenor.gif We won the immunity challenge and avoided the first vote off of the season because that's what you do when you're immune I guess. Anyway, it looked like the Panamint tribe that did the worst decided to vote off their inactive player to increase their chances of success. I'm assuming this will be the strategy for most tribes moving forward anyway. https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/99/39/d8/9939d80aafd7f1217af815bd1f7ab42b.gif 

The reward challenge was the degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon thing that is always really fun - https://media.giphy.com/media/Ff2LmUUzZQAeY/giphy.gif I did the best I could at it so that I would look like an asset to my team... perhaps. Gotta plant those seeds that I'm of value so people will start inviting me to be part of their alliances and I'll become less likely to get the boot. We lost, but luckily it was just reward and then Kai went back to the Devil Hole to dig for an idol or something. So.. maybe Kai has an idol now? At the moment, I'm not too bothered because I don't think that I have given them any reason to play it.

Next challenge rolls its ugly head out of bed and I can see myself crying. I literally wanted to sit out of this one because I hate these types of challenges. They make my knees weak and my heart break. http://www.gifimagesdownload.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Disgusted-cute-gif.gif It's a counting endurance challenge... WITH A TWIST ™ because you can only respond with odds on odd minutes and evens on even minutes... and I wasn't online to ask to sit out so I get to help count!! Rather than um... being a flop I decided to OVER DO so that people will want to pull me into potential future alliances since these challenges are the opportunity to bond over the fact that you hate your life. https://media.tenor.co/images/12ef9945086f38f2b314cdd6206fa1dc/tenor.gif

This dude named Tanner who Kai and some other people keep calling Eddie (suspicious?? I dunno, nor do I care tbh.. just weird honestly) didn't participate in the challenge at all and has more or less disappeared. http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/shrg-1.gif While concerning because people disappearing is not necessarily a good thing, it has made the first vote an easy target. Our tribe needs strength and somebody that we can't rely on to play is definitely the opposite of desirable. Also! Fun facts! Alex and I worked really closely and very consistently on this challenge and we shared with each other afterward that we were each equally glad to have someone to rely on throughout the thing... and then Alex did some weird alliance pitching thing that made me slightly uncomfortable. They were like.. "We could be more ;)" and I was like... stop with the wink face and just ask if I want to ally with you. It's giving me creeper vibes. https://m.popkey.co/98eb3f/1xWo0.gif So we decided to form an alliance and to pull in Wash as a third so that we will be able to control votes moving forward. I guess that'll be something... assuming it sticks and is successful and all of the other permutations are fun... also, given Jenny's chaotic nature she's probably going to out this alliance the moment she gets to a swap so she can stab them in the back.

I feel bad for not doing reward fuck i might go home fuck this

https://youtu.be/H4LrsvmlSAA

Ok, so episode 2 in a nut shell... Kat, William and I started a 3 person alliance called the Chaos Crew which is kinda cute I guess, hopefully since there are 3 people in the alliance it will secure them as a number more. Then we had the reward competition which was the wikipedia thing and my type A personality legit did the entire comp for our tribe. I really wanted us to win and have a possibility of being sent to satan's asshole. So we won!!!! And we got an idol clue :) also I convinced them to let me go to the hole. I decided thatd itd be smart to send the same people as last week because itd put a larger target on their back and if they found an advantage it would at least be in a known area.  Basicalllllly, I found this cute Zirusikisisiaasdas Idol which works as a normal idol but also randomly gives another person protection, but my ass tried and tell most people that I found nothing (a rock). This is good for the most part unless it chooses the person I am trying to idol out. Then we had the reward comp which was the ugliest fucking counting endurance comp ive ever had to do. So basically, Giruga, Justin, and I did the majority of the competition even though I was on a fucking road trip on mobile so that was wild. Layla legit did little to nothing which made the entire tribe kind of mad, thus theyd be an easy vote in a future tribal probs. I think Giruga and I working on this competition and communicating during it made was a lot more beneficial for our relationship... basically I suggested that we made a good team in the comp and I was wondering if he'd want to work together and he said yes!!! So im basically working with everybody on the fucking tribe whew. We won immunity because we are the only tribe to finish it which has me shook, but that means we have a significant advantage going into a future tribe swap or merge :). I have feeling that next episode is going to be a tribe swap, but we will see!

I was told to make a confessional. Also I'm going to make an alliance so if I'm gone you'll know why.

So....we lost....again. But it's no sweat this round because I have my alliance with Gabby and Misty, which gives us majority. I love a good majority. The plan is to vote out Paul because he is literally a mess and a half. After that disaster is handled, we can hopefully move forward and not have to go to tribal again. I'm really praying that I can go to Devil's Hole again because now that I have my glow stone i have better chances of maybe finding something that could really turn my game around. But who knows? Only time will tell

I swear, i'm a good egg, i'm going to make a confessional whenever i'm asked to. :o) Okay so....  I just got asked to join an alliance with Paul and Mattie...  now I'm going to have two alliances, how exciting is this gonna be. Time to start making some choices and hope for a swap because someone is going to know i was playing both sides soon! 

Well fuck me with an Iron Dildo I think it worked!

If I go home this round... I just........... It doesn't feel natural. I GUESS it's my fault for not being on skype all day yesterday/today but? I was busy. Whatever. If I stay, Mattie better watch the fuck out. They think they can vote me out? Surprise bitch

EP 2 EDGIC: