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theculturedmarxist · 1 year ago

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If you talk to an ordinary American, or, in my experience, if you talk to an average Israeli, for that matter, they don’t know anything about who the Palestinians are. They don’t know where they come from, they don’t know how they live, what they believe, and they don’t want to. Right? Because that just complicates things… – historian Sam Biagetti.

Last month, The New York Times conducted a series of interviews with a number of American Jewish families and the way they have been dealing with what the paper calls a “generational divide over Israel.”

The Times notes a trend that has been developing for a long time—younger American Jews becoming markedly more critical of, sometimes downright hostile to, Israel than their elders. The piece looks at “more than a dozen young people…[who] described feeling estranged from the version of Jewish identity they were raised with, which was often anchored in pro-Israel education.”

One such person is Louisa Kornblatt. She is the daughter of liberal Jewish parents, who grew up experiencing the cruelties of anti-Semitism in suburban New Jersey. Her grandmother “had fled Austria in 1938, just as the Nazis were taking over.” Partly as a result of this legacy, Louisa Kornblatt “shared her parents’ belief that the safety of Jewish people depended on a Jewish state” as a child.

However, her views began to shift once “she started attending a graduate program in social work at U.C. Berkeley in 2017.” As she recalls it, “classmates and friends challenged her thinking,” with some telling her that she was “on the wrong side of history.”

While in graduate school, “she read Audre Lorde, Mariame Kaba, Ruth Wilson Gilmore and other Black feminist thinkers,” who further made her re-think ingrained assumptions. Eventually, “Kornblatt came to feel that her emotional ties to Jewish statehood undermined her vision for ‘collective liberation.’”

“Over the last year, she became increasingly involved in pro-Palestine activism, including through Jewish Voice for Peace, an anti-Zionist activist group, and the If Not Now movement.” She now goes so far as to assert, “I don’t think the state of Israel should ever have been established,” because “It’s based on this idea of Jewish supremacy. And I’m not on board with that.”

Also interviewed are the parents of Jackson Schwartz, a senior at Columbia University whose education there has significantly altered his outlook on Israel:

“The parents of Mr. Schwartz…said they listen to him with open minds when he tells them about documentaries he has seen or things he has learned from professors like Rashid Khalidi, a prominent Palestinian intellectual who is a professor of modern Arab studies at Columbia. Dan Schwartz said his son helped him understand the Palestinian perspective on Israel’s founding, which was accompanied by a huge displacement of population that Palestinians call the Nakba, using the Arabic word for catastrophe.”

“It wasn’t until Jackson went to Columbia and took classes that I ever heard the word Nakba,” Dan Schwartz said.

These interviews are hugely instructive for two reasons. For one thing, they demonstrate very clearly why power centers are so critical of higher education, especially in the humanities: They are afraid young people might actually—horror of horrors—learn something, particularly something that challenges the status quo.

American culture overflows with accusations from parents that their kids went off to college only to be “indoctrinated.” But at least in these instances, the opposite is what happened—far from being brainwashed, the kids read books and learned history, and were forced to think hard about the implications. In other words, higher education did exactly what it is supposed to do—forced students to encounter and engage with perspectives and thinkers they otherwise never would have.

In reality, most parents (and certainly media outlets) who complain of indoctrination are actually worried about education—that is, that their children will develop more nuanced, critical and informed views of the world after engaging with unfamiliar viewpoints. Such aggrieved elders don’t see it this way, of course, largely because they themselves never shook off the propaganda of their youth. Indeed, they likely are not even capable of perceiving it as such. But that is what it is.

The interviews from the Times piece also demonstrate what Sam Biagetti refers to in the quote that sits atop this article: the phenomenon of older Americans who profess attachment to (and presumably knowledge of) Israel, displaying aggressive—no, fanatic—ignorance about basic Israeli/Middle East history.

That Mr. Schwartz had never heard of the Nakba until his son learned about it from Rashid Khalidi speaks volumes about the way young people in this country are “taught” about Israel, as well as how much their parents actually “know” about it. It is the equivalent of a German father professing fierce attachment to the German nation-state, but never hearing the word “Holocaust” until his child tells him about it after learning the history from a Jewish professor.

The new documentary Israelism explores this issue of younger Jewish people raised to reflexively identify with Israel and to view it as a “Jewish Disneyland,” but who changed their minds (and behavior) upon encountering the brutal realities of the Israeli occupation of the West Bank and Gaza.

It is a powerful film, one that takes a look at the too-often ignored indoctrination regarding Israel taking place in many Jewish day schools, the way younger people are starting to de-program themselves from it, and where they go from there.

Directed by first-time filmmakers Erin Axelman and Sam Eilertsen, Israelism largely follows two protagonists whose experiences mirror those of the filmmakers.

The first protagonist, Eitan (whose last name is never revealed), grew up in a conservative Jewish home in Atlanta. Typical of such an upbringing, he was steeped in pro-Israel PR.

He recounts that “Israel was a central part of everything we did in school.” His high school routinely sent delegations to AIPAC (the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, also known as the “Israel lobby”) conferences.

Outside of school, the PR continued. He describes going to Jewish summer camp, where each year the staff included a group of Israeli counselors, brought in “to connect American Jews to Israeli culture.”

This included having the children playing games designed to simulate being in the Israeli military, including the use of actual Israeli military commands.

The film intersperses interviews of its protagonists with interviews of prominent individuals who promote this Israeli PR.

For instance, Rabbi Bennett Miller, the then-National Chair of the Association of Reform Zionists of America, asks with a laugh, “does [my] average congregant understand that I’m teaching them to become Zionists? Probably not, but it is part of my madness, so to speak.”

Enamored with what he saw as the glory of military service, Eitan told his parents that he was going to join the Israeli military rather than go to college. He had always thought of Israel as “my country,” and learned from numerous childhood visits there that he “fit in” better in Israel than in the United States.

During basic training with the IDF, he was trained as a “heavy machine gunnist” [sic] with an emphasis on urban warfare. After seven months of this, he was deployed to the West Bank. His life in the IDF involved operating the various checkpoints which comprise the apartheid system, as well as patrolling Palestinian villages on foot in full gear with a bulletproof vests. He recounts that on such patrols, the mission of his unit was to make their presence felt, in order “to let them know that we were watching.”

His encounter with the occupation changed him forever. “Even though Israel was a central part of everything we did in school,” he recalls, “we never really discussed the Palestinians. It was presented to us that Israel was basically an empty wasteland when the Jews arrived. ‘There were some Arabs there,’ they said, but there was no organized people; they had really treated the land poorly. Yeah, there are Palestinians, [but] they just want to kill us all…” Furthermore, “It was always presented to us that the Arabs only know terrorism.”

His role as an occupier made him see things rather differently. He witnessed IDF soldiers needlessly abusing captives, who were blindfolded and handcuffed, thrown to the ground, kicked and beaten. He despairs that he “didn’t even speak up,” something he is visibly still struggling with. And, he says, “that’s just one of many stories that I have from my time in the West Bank. It took many years to really come to terms with my part in it. Only after I got out of the army did I begin to realize that the stuff that I did [from] day to day, just working in checkpoints, patrolling villages—that in itself was immoral.”

After great difficulty, Eitan has begun to publicly speak out about his experiences, though he notes that it took a long time, and that on his first attempt, he was not able to make it through without crying excessively. Since then, he has gotten better, and continues to pursue this necessary work.

Israelism’s second protagonist is Simone Zimmerman. Zimmerman’s grandfather settled in Israel; he and his immediate family were some of her only relatives to escape the Holocaust. Zimmerman herself was raised in a staunchly pro-Israel household, attending Hebrew school from kindergarten through high school. While in high school she lived in Israel for a period as part of an exchange program, which was just one of many visits.

These organized stays in Israel routinely involved her and her friends dressing up in Israeli army uniforms and pretending to be in the IDF. She participated in Jewish youth groups and summer camps which, like Eitan, immersed her in a steady diet of pro-Israel propaganda. Summing up her childhood experience, Zimmerman explains that “Israel was just treated like a core part of being a Jew. So, you did prayers, and you did Israel.”

Like Eitan, she was familiar with AIPAC: “AIPAC is just the thing that you do. Like, going to the AIPAC conference is just sort of seen as a community event.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, almost ten percent of her high school graduating class ended up joining the Israeli army, and many of her summer camp and youth group friends did as well. This is the power of effective propaganda instilled from a young age, Zimmerman observes. “The indoctrination is so severe, it’s almost hard to have a conversation about it. It’s heartbreaking.”

Israelism contains footage of this indoctrination in action inside Hebrew schools.

Scenes of teachers excitedly asking classes of young children, “do you want to go to Israel too?” and the children screaming back, “YEAH!!!” are reminiscent of the similarly nauseating kinds of religious indoctrination made famous in an earlier era by films like Jesus Camp.

Some of these scenes can be glimpsed in the trailer for the film. Older students are seen reading copies of Alan Dershowitz’s book The Case for Israel, which was famously exposed as a fraud by Norman Finkelstein years ago. Zimmerman herself gets to look at some of her old worksheets and art projects from her elementary school days, all of which in some way revolved around the Israeli state.

Other than enlisting in the IDF, Zimmerman had been told that the other major way to be “a good supporter of the Jewish people” was to become an “Israel advocate.” Choosing the latter path, Zimmerman became involved with Hillel, the largest Jewish campus organization in the world, when she began attending the University of California at Berkeley. Hillel, too, worked very hard to instill pro-Israel beliefs in her. She describes being trained in how to rebut “the ‘lies’ that other people [were] saying” about Israel.

The film explores the nature of Hillel’s work fostering pro-Israel activism at college campuses across the country. Tom Barkan, a former IDF soldier and “Israel fellow” at the University of Connecticut’s Hillel chapter, says, “name a university in America, we probably have a person there.” Barkan’s mission is to turn Jewish college students into either Israel advocates or military recruits. While he warns eager students that joining the IDF will not be easy, he wistfully tells them that it will be “the most meaningful experience that you ever go through.”

Former Jewish day school teacher Jacqui Schulefand works with Barkan in her role as Director of Engagement and Programs at UConn’s Hillel branch. Her love for the State of Israel is inseparable from her identity as a Jewish person, which she proudly explains. “Can you separate Israel and Judaism? I don’t know—I can’t. You know, some people I think can. To me, it’s the same. Yeah, you can’t separate it. Israel is Judaism and Judaism is Israel. And that is who I am, and that is my identity. And I think every single thing that I experienced along my life has melded into that, like there was never, you know, a divide for me.”

Schulefand describes joining the Israeli armed forces as “the greatest gift you can give,” and notes that “we actually have had quite a few of our former students join the IDF—amazing!” But her demeanor sours when she is asked about criticisms of the country. In a tone combining incomprehension with a hint of disgust, she laments that “somehow, ‘pro-Palestinian’ has become ‘pro-social justice.’”

It was this sort of pro-Israel advocacy network that organized Simone Zimmerman and other students to oppose what they perceived to be “anti-Semitic” activities such as student government legislation favoring the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions (BDS) movement against Israeli occupation, and other measures critical of Israel.

To prepare for such confrontations, she was handed talking points that told her what to say—accuse critics of being anti-Semitic, of having a double standard, of making Jewish students feel unsafe, etc. Describing her feelings about BDS and the Palestinian cause at the time, Zimmerman says that “I just knew that it was this bad thing that I had to fight.” She remembers literally reading off the cards when it came time for her to make the case for Israel.

However, such work inevitably brought her into contact with people who challenged her views. She encountered terms like apartheid, ethnic cleansing, and illegal occupation. “I thought I knew so much about Israel, but I didn’t really know what anybody was talking about when they were talking about all these things,” she said.

Growing up, she was barely taught anything about Palestinians, much like Eitan: “The idea that there were native inhabitants who lived there [when settlers began to arrive] was not even part of my frame of reference.”[1] To the extent that her upbringing provided her with any conception of what a Palestinian was, it was that a Palestinian was someone “who kills Jews, or wants to kill Jews.” But now she was dealing with actual Palestinian students and their non-Palestinian allies, who told her things she found alarming.

Zimmerman went back to Hillel, embarrassed that she and the other pro-Israel advocates were not doing a good job refuting the information they had been confronted with. When Zimmerman asked what the proper responses were to specific criticisms directed at Israel—other than shouting “double standard” or “anti-Semitic”—no one provided her with any. “That was really disturbing for me,” she says. She was flabbergasted that “there are these people called Palestinians who think that Israel wields all this power over their lives and don’t have rights, don’t have water. What is this? How do I respond to it?” “How is it that I am the best the Jewish community has to offer—I’ve been to all the trainings, all the summer camps—and I don’t know what the settlements are, or what the occupation is?”

This anguish led Zimmerman to see the occupation for herself, the summer after her freshman year. This was her first time “crossing the line” into the West Bank. The film movingly details her experiences there. She listened to Palestinian families describe routine instances of being beaten by the IDF, and the harsh realities of life under military rule.

She befriends Sami Awad, Executive Director of the Holy Land Trust, who works to give Americans tours of the territory. An American citizen born in the U.S., Awad describes encounters with American kids who have joined the IDF, people “who just moved here to be part of an army to play cowboys and Indians.” He remarks on the absurdity that “Somebody…comes here from New York or from Chicago, and [claims] that this land is theirs.”

Awad’s family was originally from Jerusalem. His grandfather was shot by an Israeli sniper in 1948, and the rest of his family were evicted by Israeli forces soon after during the Nakba. They have never been allowed to return, and have lived under occupation ever since. Nevertheless, Awad is an extraordinarily empathetic person, having made a career out of trying to teach Westerners what life is like in the West Bank, in the hopes that they will use what they learn to effect positive change. He recounts visiting Auschwitz, and says that the experience gave him an insight into “inherited trauma” and how it shapes the conflict today. In the film he comes across as optimistic:

“I really believe that there is an emerging awakening within the American Jewish community…From American Jews, coming here, and listening to us, and hearing us, and seeing our humanity, and understanding that we are not just out sitting in bunkers, planning the next attack against Israelis, that we do have a desire to live in peace, and to have our freedom, and to walk in our streets, and to eat in our restaurants, and like we – I mean it’s crazy that I have to say this, that we are real human beings that just want to survive and live, like all other people in this world.”

Zimmerman also meets Baha Hilo, an English speaker who works as a tour guide with To Be There, another group that helps people understand the reality that Israel imposes on the West Bank. His family was expelled from Jaffa in 1948 during the Nakba. They were forced to settle in Bethlehem, sadly believing that they would eventually be able to return to their homes.

Hilo discusses his frustration that Israelis get to live under civil law, whereas Palestinians like him must live under the humiliating military law of the occupation: “When an American goes to the West Bank, he has more rights there than I have had my entire life!” The film takes care to note that Americans play a major role in such realities: “Of the roughly 450,000 [illegal] Israeli settlers living in the occupied West Bank, 60,000 are American Jews.” Some readers may recall the famous viral video of an Israeli named Yakub unashamedly stealing Palestinian homes while conveying a breathtaking sense of entitlement.

Hilo laments that, “From the day you are born, you live day in and day out without experiencing a day of freedom.” His astonishment at the audacity of Israelis, particularly those who are also Americans, mirrors Awad’s: “What makes an 18-year-old American kid who was given [a] ten days’ trip for free in Palestine, what makes him want to come in and sacrifice his life? Why would a foreigner think it’s ok to have superior rights to the rights of the indigenous population? Because somebody told them it’s [their] home.”

While happy to make such friends, Zimmerman nonetheless says of her time there, “I don’t think I realized the extent to which what I would come to see on the ground would really shock me and horrify me.” This experience often changes people. The filmmaker Rebecca Pierce is interviewed on her own visits to the West Bank, and her reaction is in line with Zimmerman’s. Pierce had always been opposed to using the word “apartheid,” but once she saw the reality of the situation, she changed her mind immediately.

The protagonist of With God on Our Side (a 2010 documentary critical of Christian Zionism), a young man named Christopher, had a similar reaction, specifically at the behavior he witnessed from the Israeli settlers. Each year a group of them converges on the Arab section of Old Jerusalem to celebrate Israel’s capture of East Jerusalem in 1967. Christopher witnessed the festivities, which featured a massive crowd of settlers wrapped in Israeli flags, shouting “death to Arabs” repeatedly as they danced through the streets.

A large group identified an Arab journalist, surrounded him, began chanting at him and flipping him off, to the point where the police had to be called. Christopher was visibly shocked at all this, glumly remarking that he “felt ashamed to be there.” This same celebration is also seen in Israelism, and the Israeli chants are as deranged as ever: “An Arab is a son of a bitch! A Jew is a precious soul!” “Death to the leftists!”

Zimmerman’s experiences led her to become a co-founder of the If Not Now movement, a grassroots Jewish organization which works to end U.S. support for Israel. They have engaged in activism targeting the ADL (more on them in a moment), AIPAC, the headquarters of Birthright Israel, and other organizations which directly contribute to the perpetuation of Israel’s occupation. “We decided to bring the crisis of American Jewish support for Israel to the doorsteps of Jewish institutions to force that conversation in public,” Zimmerman says.

Israelism contains powerful scenes of younger Jewish people engaging in this work. Many come from similar backgrounds as Eitan and Simone. Consider Avner Gvaryahu. Born and raised in Israel, Gvaryahu also joined the IDF. His combat experience ultimately turned him against the occupation. His whole life in Israel, he had never been inside a Palestinian home, but was now being tasked with “barg[ing] into one in the middle of the night.”

By the end of his service, he had routinely taken over Palestinian homes and used them as military facilities. No warrants were needed, and no notice was ever given to the families who were living there. He reflects back “with shame” on how violently he often acted toward the residents in such situations. Gvaryahu is now the Executive Director of Breaking the Silence, an organization of IDF veterans committed to peace.

“There are a lot of Jewish young people who see a Jewish establishment that is racist, that is nationalistic,” Zimmerman explains. Jeremy Ben-Ami, the President of J Street, agrees. “They’re really, really angry about the way they were educated, and the way they were indoctrinated about these issues, and justifiably so.”

While such courageous individuals often receive quite a bit of hatred from their own community (Zimmerman says, “The word I used to hear a lot was ‘self-hating Jew.’ Like, the only way a Jewish person could possibly care about the humanity of Palestinians is if you hate yourself”), their numbers are growing, and one hopes that this will continue. Israelism was released a few months before the terrorist attacks of October 7th and Israel’s genocidal response, events which make the film timely and important.

Since October 7th, we have seen many of the tactics and talking points used to justify Israel’s crimes that the film depicts return with a vengeance. Chief among them is the by-now ubiquitous claim that calling out Israeli atrocities is somehow anti-Semitic.

Zimmerman is anguished that “so many of the purported leaders of our community have been trying to equate the idea of Palestinian rights itself with anti-Semitism.”

This applies to no one more than Abraham “Abe” Foxman, who until his recent retirement was the long-time head of the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), an organization masquerading as a civil rights group but which is really a pro-Israeli government outfit which has long sought to redefine anti-Semitism to include “criticisms of Israel.”

These efforts have borne fruit—“The Trump administration issued an executive order adopting” this definition of anti-Semitism “for the purposes of enforcing federal civil rights law,” Michelle Goldberg notes in The New York Times. Foxman says in the film that “it hurts me for a Jewish kid to stand up there and say ‘justice for the Palestinians,’ and not [say] ‘justice for Israelis’; it troubles me, hurts me, bothers me. It means we failed. We failed in educating, in explaining, et cetera.” Many Israel supporters seem to share Foxman’s horror that Jewish people sometimes care about the well-being of people other than themselves.

Israelism explores this deliberate conflation of anti-Semitism with anti-Zionism. Sarah Anne Minkin, of the Foundation for Middle East Peace, is deeply bothered that “The way we talk about anti-Semitism isn’t about protecting Jews, it’s about protecting Israel. How dangerous is that, at this moment with the rise of anti-Semitism?”

Indeed, the film contains footage of the infamous Unite the Right rally featuring hordes of white supremacists marching through Charlottesville, Virginia, with torches, screaming “Jews. Will not. Replace us!” over and over, as well as news footage of the aftermath of the Tree of Life Synagogue mass shooting.

One of the chief tasks of Israeli propagandists has been to conflate such acts with anti-Zionist sentiment. Genuine anti-Semitism of the Charlottesville variety is (obviously) a product of the far right—recall that President Donald Trump famously referred to “very fine people on both sides” of that incident, an unmistakable wink and nod to such fascist groups.

People who comprise such groups, the type who paint swastikas on Jewish homes, are not the same as peace activists marching to end the Israeli occupation. This should not be difficult to understand. But the Israel PR machine has done a marvelous job confusing otherwise intelligent people on this issue.

Also quoted in the film is Ted Cruz, who like Trump is a regular speaker at AIPAC events, and who like many Republicans pitches his political rhetoric to appeal to the very reactionaries who espouse genuinely anti-Semitic sentiments. This does not stop him from having the audacity to refer to criticisms of Israel as anti-Semitic, shamelessly insisting that “the left has a long history of anti-Semitism.”

The American right wing has been hard at work lately, trying to convince gullible people that the rise of actual anti-Semitic incidents is the result of critics of Israel. The New York Times’s Michelle Goldberg reports that “Chris Rufo, the right-wing activist who whipped up nationwide campaigns against critical race theory and diversity, equity and inclusion initiatives, told me he’s part of a group at the conservative Manhattan Institute workshopping new policy proposals targeting what it sees as campus antisemitism.”

Such efforts apparently convince many liberal-leaning people to agree with UConn Hillel’s Jacqui Schulefand, who as noted above believes that “Israel is Judaism and Judaism is Israel.”

If you believe this, it is understandable how you might come to see criticizing a government’s policies, or the political ideology (Zionism) undergirding them, as anti-Semitic. I do not often profess gratitude for President Biden (indeed, I am really hoping the “Genocide Joe” label sticks), but it was nice to see him publicly state that “You don’t have to be a Jew to be a Zionist. And I’m a Zionist.” This pronouncement clarifies something that the Israel Lobby likes to obscure—that Zionism is a political ideology, like “conservatism,” “socialism” or “libertarianism.”

As such, critiquing it is not racist or anti-Semitic, even if the criticism is inaccurate.

It is always important to consider the ways in which assumptions held uncritically can lead one astray, especially assumptions ingrained from a young age, before people possess the capacity to sufficiently question what they are being told. Israelism is a powerful, thought-provoking film that does this spectacularly. And it does so for a topic that does not get as much attention as it should. Discussions of Christian propaganda are fairly common (again, think of Jesus Camp, or even With God on Our Side), as are denunciations of the kind of Islamic fundamentalist propaganda that comes out of places like Saudi Arabia.

It is almost too easy to go after the Mormons or the Scientologists. But the indoctrination taking place in many Jewish schools gets comparatively little attention. I have written previously of my admiration for people, like Naomi Klein, who frankly discuss the troubling fact that Israeli PR defined much of their early schooling. It is important to have an entire film devoted to the subject. People might not like what they see, but they need to see it.

Israelism is streaming here until January 31st.

#israel #israelism #documentary #palestine #anti defamation league #aipac #zionism #antisemitism #nakba

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unpickled-olive · 1 year ago

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brain is healing

I've always been depressed, but before grad school, I had interests. I was teaching myself woodworking, building things, drawing plans, and restoring rusty hand planes. I had bought my first ever digital microphone and was recording (bad) music. I was practicing the violin on a semi-regular basis.

I also had hyperfixations. I always loved the experience of being obsessed with something for a few weeks at a time, even if I felt empty when the feeling passed. Spending three weeks learning about homesteading, or being a travel therapist, or rollerskating, or learning Arabic.

Grad school wasn't a decision I made out of passion but out of necessity. After getting my Bachelor's in Linguistics (not a hireable degree but an extremely interesting one), I went as far I could with entry-level jobs before going broke and having a mental breakdown. So I decided that if I couldn't find a job I was passionate about, I would get one that where I could 1. decently support myself, 2. do something meaningful for others, and 3. have the freedom to pursue passions outside of work. My dream job became one where I worked 3.5 days a week.

The conclusion was to build upon my background in linguistics and go into healthcare via speech-language pathology.

But when grad school started, I noticed how quickly all of my passion evaporated. Over night, there was suddenly no more planning, drawing, violin-making.

From week 2 to week 100 of school, I didn't have any thoughts about it. I was emotionally drained and too busy to think about enjoying life. I felt like I'd sold my soul for a stable job and when summer and, winter breaks didn't allow me to do anything but sleep, I figured I would be like that forever.

The one creative thing I did that entire time was write a short little sci-fi story. While trying to read a research paper in the student lounge, I suddenly had an idea and deleted the notes I was taking. For three hours, I did nothing but sit there and type. But due to how inundated in academia I was, it was both super morbid (a story about how Earth is the only planet where life degrades and dies due to ageing) and super academic (it took the form of a research paper written by horrified alien observers). I was so in that world that the only thing I could write had an abstract, an intro, a methodology, a results section, and a discussion.

I'm currently 4 months free of grad school (I say like I'm in recovery), and I've noticed that passion and interest are slowly dripping back into my life. I've spent the last few days reading about Proto-Indo-Europeans, just for fun. I read a BOOK. I'm contemplating building an English joiner's bench. I'm even motivated enough to post something personal on a blog no one will ever read.

These days, learning feels like it takes more effort than it did before. I have this feeling that there isn't room in my brain for any more things, so I shouldn't get too excited. It feels like that, and like the inertia of not having exercised in so long. But I notice this feeling lessening with each month.

This is all to say: grad school couldn't kill my soul forever—it could only kill it for two and a half years.

#grad school #slp #linguistics #woodworking #writing #dark academia (but in a sad boring way)#grad life #grad student #self

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justxrandomxlivia · 2 years ago

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We won't let you fall again!

Masterlist

Summary: Your day started with oversleeping and ended with an Iraqi lieutenant and an American lieutenant holding your hands? Who would have thought that falling into an ancient temple you've been searching for months would change your entire life?

Warning Sign: Mention of weapons. That's all. No monsters in this story, just an ancient temple and two countries that hate each other.

Word count: 3910 o.O

AN: JASON AND SALIM! Two men I couldn't decide between. I know I'm not the only one, so here you get two wholesome men. I'm struggling with the idea to continue the story in a second chapter, or writing just a little more extended, more romantic/smut ending. I will see if you guys want me to or not ;)

“Ah it’s going to be colder today. Finally.” Mumbling with a sleepy voice, I rolled over in my bed. It’s not comfortable, but It’ll do. Slowly rising from my deep slumber, I realised that the sun was quite high already. “What time it is?!!” I yelled and jumped off the bed, checking my phone. “2 pm? You must be kidding. Why did nobody wake me?” I ran over to my stuff and got dressed quickly, then I left the bedroom. Meeting the owners of the house. “Good morning.” I said while hustling to get my shoes on. The oldest man laughed: “No morning. After noon.” I looked him, he pointed to the table, where was some coffee and bread on a plate. Letting my shoulders drop, I smiled at him. They are all so overly kind, if I would just be better in learning their language. I sighed and took my one shoe off again, then I sat down and thanked him. We are supposed to pay them 20$ the week. But my team and I decided to pay them 50$ per week each. What Is a lot of money for them. And for their kids. It’s never a bad thing to give more. After I was done with my little breakfast, I suddenly heard helicopters. Two I would say. I know the risks, Iraq and the USA are still on a warpath, but this area here should be fine. It’s quite isolated. There is a small town in the near, with some market for local farmers. Nothing to get for the US.

I got my plate cleaned and got back to the main door, taking my shoes on, grabbing my bag and left the house, just to found myself surrounded by soldiers. They were pointing machine guns at me and yelled at me. The helicopters were right above me, then flying into the distance a little bit. My legs got shaky, and I couldn’t say anything, I got on the ground and one man tied my arms, then he led me back into the house. He pushed me down next to few of the house owners. A couple of minutes passed before a woman, wearing sunglasses entered the room, behind her was a man: “Everything clear, ma’am. No violence needed either.” He’s American. From the south I would even say Deep, long, slow words, with an immense rolled sound, must be the south.

The woman kneeled next to the shepherds and talked to them one by one, in Arabic. They answered her one by one, and her face grew more and more annoyed. She then kneeled in front of me: “What about her? Doesn’t look Iraqi to me.” She said and the man briefed her: “She was about to leave the house, hat a bag with many notebooks and various archaeologic books. All English.” She nodded at his words and spoke. “Then I’m sure you understand me girl?” I shook my head and raised an eyebrow: “It’s called racism. Saying somebody doesn’t look like a certain nationality. Girl.” I huffed at her. Her eyes grew big and the man behind her, tried clearly not to laugh. She then looks at the man behind her, “You said books in her bag. A passport too?” he only shook his head in response. “My passport is in my pocket.” I told her and she stood up. “Check her lieutenant.” She told the man, and he put his gun aside, walking to me.

He then pulled me up and patted me down. As he found my passport he chuckled, “British.” He gave the passport to the women. “What’s your business with the house owners?” She asked. I looked her dead in the eyes. “I’m an archaeologist. My team and I stay here, because the location where we work is only couple of miles from here.” She sighed at my response. “This is a waste, those are just shepherds, the activity he was seen, must have been you then. What was Eric thinking. Untie her lieutenant. Sergeant, untie the shepherds.” She said waving at another man and left the room. - “Thanks.” I said as the man untied me.

“So, your name is y/n? That’s a pretty name for a pretty girl.” The lieutenant said as he walked me to the main door. “First, thanks, but second, I’m not a girl, I’m a 29 years old women.” – “Guess I messed up already. No date then?” he stopped and looked back at me. I giggled at him. “Well maybe, mister military, you can come visit me sometimes when I’m back home. But it’s quite a long way from the USA to London.” I gave him a light nudge at the shoulder, without a warning he came two or even three steps closer, looking into my eyes. “To visit a beautiful woman like you, there is no way to far.” He whispered at me. With that he opened the door and signed me to go through. I stepped outside and searched for a little card in my bag. “Here, Lieutenant. Call me.” I offered him a business card, with a big smile, he took it. “University of Oxford. My luck, by the way, It’s Jason. Have a nice day ma’am.” He said waving me off. I waved back and walked to my car.

As I just turned away from Jason, shots fired. “Fuck!” I yelled and jumped in cover of my car. Then all I could realise, was chaos. Shots, bombs, crashing helicopters, yelling and screaming people. I tried to get around the car to hide near the old stable buildings, when suddenly the floor collapsed. “y/n!” Jason yelled from my left as I looked at him, I felt how everything underneath is breaking apart. “NO!” I tried to jump away, but almost lost balance, when a strong hand gabbed my arm and pulled me back up. A man with an Iraq uniform pulled me up “Go this way!” he pointed to the mountains, I didn’t care who he was, he saved me and I started running again, just then. I fell again. And this time for good. Everything turned black.

As I opened my eyes, I felt a sharp pain in my whole body. I looked around and realised right away where I was. “Holy shit. Found it!” I jumped up, just to regret it right away, as my body felt like broken. Stretching and checking for any wounds, I was shocked how lucky I got. A few scratches and bruises. But nothing serious. Then I took my bag and checked for my camera. Still working, great. I took photos of the immense pillars, old statues and Jason. Wait, Jason? “JASON!?” I yelled. – “Y/n! Are you alright?” out of nowhere, Jason appeared and came right away to me. He checked me left, right, up and down. I tried to calm him down, but he seemed nervous. “Jason, I’m fine, really.” – “No, maybe you have some injuries we don’t see right away.” – “Jason, I’m serious!” I yelled at him and pulled him by the shoulders. “I’m just a little cold. But it’s alright.” I tried my best to convince him that I was fine. He let out a deep sigh, and eventually calmed down. “I don’t have anything to warm you up. I could hug you, but that wouldn’t last long.” He smiled at me concerned, but I nudged him at the shoulder, “Yeah yeah, you just want some physical contact. Let’s check if somebody needs help.” He nodded at me and followed me through the darkness.

After quite some time striving through the darkness and me taking pictures from almost everything. We heard a male voice from behind “Put that gun down and turn slowly around.” I didn’t hesitate and lifted my arms up and turned around. “It’s you!” I said, looking at the Iraq soldier who saved me the first time I was falling. He smiled relieved at me, and I took my arms down again “You saved me, thank you.” I said, but then I realised Jason had turned around, but he had his gun aimed tight. “Don’t do anything stupid, boy.” The man said to Jason. “I can say the same to you, old man.” Jason hissed back. I took a deep breath and moved slowly between the two guns. “No one is shooting anyone, if I am here. Please.” My words were trembling. Not sure if I would make it out alive of here. The Iraq soldier lowered his gun and put it back into the holster. “I don’t want to spill anymore blood.” He spoke slowly, approaching me carefully, “You look like you are cold.” He said and took his jacket off.

“Don’t you fucking go any step closer to her. Y/n, get behind me, now!” Jason yelled, slowly approaching me as well, just that he had his damn gun still aimed. “Jason, stop it.” I said, placing my hand on top of his gun, slowly pushing it down. “I trust him. He saved me, not even knowing who I am.” – “I don’t.” Jason cut me off. The man lifted his arms, in one hand holding his jacket. “I know who you are. Your name is y/n l/n. You are an archaeologist. My son, Zain, has been running around your research area, every day for the last two weeks. He talked about you a lot.” He spoke slowly handing his jacket over to me. I took it. “Thank you” I spoke quiet. “Yeah, I know Zain. He’s a smart boy. Wants me to take him back to England.” I giggled at him. “It’s his birthday today. My name is Salim.” He smiled at me. I can’t let Jason harm him. Technically seen, I know Salim. What am I supposed to tell his son. Sorry, your dad died, because he tried to give me his jacket. I shook my head, throwing the jacket over my shoulders, I looked at Jason once more. “Come on. He’s not the enemy.” Jason only looked at Salim, with distrust. Then Salim spoke to Jason, directly. “You want to get out of here, so do I. We must work together. Not shoot each other.”

Jason finally took the gun down. “I’ll keep an eye on you.” He said, pointing at Salim. I nudged Jason slightly against the shoulder. He will have bruise by the end of the day. Then we continued the way to find others. What felt like hours, were actually only a couple of minutes, but the fact that these two were arguing the whole time about military, racism, politics, terrorists and other stuff like lieutenant ranks, was killing every last nerve of me. As walked some ancient stairs up, I heard voices arguing. I pressed each of the two man a finger on the mouth, so they would finally shut up. Then pointed to the big door at the end of the stairs. Salim and Jason both, walked past me with aimed guns. I stayed behind and waited for a sign. It took too long for my taste, so I entered the room quietly and stood next to Salim. In the big room where machine guns, tables, radios, papers and more. It was the heart of this temple. An old archaeologist station. Just as I wanted to check the papers, Salim pulled me back. I looked at him and he looked at me, then around the room. As I followed his view, it was clear the situation was tense. Iraqi soldiers and Americans were with aimed guns standing against each other. Just Salim and Jason didn’t pick a side. “It’s a damn order Kolchek!” A blonde man yelled. “I don’t take orders 200 ft below the surface.” Was Jasons answer. What badass.

“Ehm, excuse me.” I spoke and walked a few steps in front of Jason and Salim. Both men grabbed me by my arms and wanted to pull me back. “I got this, don’t worry.” I spoke, they hesitated but let me go. I took around 3 steps more and spoke softly. “My name is y/n l/n. I’m an archaeologist. And a professor at the University of Oxford. I don’t have anything to do with both of your countries, and honestly not much knowledge about the current issues between you. But technically seen, you are on my research territory. I would really not like to call the local police, or clean your blood from ancient coins, so if you’d be so kind and do not fire a single bullet on MY ground. Would be so wonderful. Thank you.” I looked back and while Jason smiled amused, Salim was shaking his head. I ignored all military personal and made my way to the tables. 10 years of drama class is finally paying out, they have no idea I was terrified to the bones. One by one soldier eventually took their guns down and they made a hand sealed deal, to not shoot a bullet on or near my research territory.

It worked. Good job. As I checked the first papers, I realised, this is like heaven. I took more photos from everything. This time, again from Jason, but also from Salim. Both smiled at the camera. “Come on y/n. We have to get out of here for now.” Jason spoke as he followed the others. “What about all this then? This is the only reason I am in this country at all.” I asked frustrated. Jason chuckled, “You’ll come back. But now we need to go. It’s not safe.” I let out a sigh and started following them, as the most people left the sight, Salim, Jason and I were the last. They talked different this time, more like allies.

As we made it closer to the surface, I could see the sun finally again. It was warmer here than down back there. Different helicopters were heard, people yelling, dogs barking. They must be searching already. Ropes hang down and flashlights were blinding us. I tried to cover my eyes, what was not a good idea, so close next to an underground cliff. With a crack, the ground beneath me broke and I all felt was the heavy forces of gravity. “Y/n!” was the last thing I heard before the heavy impact on a sand pile.

First my back, then my face, then both hands and at last the back again. “Ouch, Fuck!” I cursed with an echo. As I opened my eyes, pain everywhere. Looking around and above, it was almost pitch black. I gave my bag to Jason earlier, so luckily my camera didn’t come down with me. But also, my flashlight was not with me. Slowly I tried to get used to the darkness and to see anything. I touched along the cliff where I have fallen from. I heard echoes, but it was inaudible, what means I’m either deaf or I’m very deep. Following the cliff to the right, it ended in water. With wet shoes, I turned around and walked to the left. My hands along the ice-cold stone, they slowly froze. Luckily, I have Salim’s jacket, my arms would be more bruised. I continued walking along the cliff as I felt that the ground got higher. I might could climb out of here. If the others think I’m dead? Trying to shake that thought away, I pushed myself the higher grounds up and felt how the light slowly came back to me. It seems my eyes were partially blind due to the fall. So, I might have not fallen that deep.

It feels like hours as I finally reached an open area where lights came from ahead. Still far away. To my bad, I started freezing again. This time, it felt more like I was freezing because I was alone. I sat down to the cold ground. “Why does every time go everything wrong. And why does nobody care for me.” I muffled beneath my breath and closed my eyes. “You really thought we wouldn’t care?” A southern accent ripped me out of my thoughts, I opened my eyes and saw Jason above me. “She’s here!” He yelled across the area; it echoed in the entire cave. Jason smiled at me and began stroking my face. Then Salim came from behind him. His face was a mess, a mix of horror, fear, worries, but happiness. “What are you doing here?” I whispered, not believing if I might hallucinate. Salim looked confused and Jason chuckled, then said: “What do you mean? We- ” Salim interrupted him: “We came for you.” At his words, my eyes started tearing up, but my mind was a mess of emotions, incapable to say anything.

Jason helped me up, then he lifted me on Salim’s back. “I’ll be behind you, so you can’t fall off.” Jason spoke softly, rubbing my back. Salim turned his head a little, “We won’t let you fall ever again. I promise.” He whispered to me. As they started climbing towards the surface I started to cry silently. How do I deserve them. My life was all the opposite of support, care and understanding. But these two give me the feeling I’m worthy to be alive. As if they really care. I just met them hours ago, but I have the unbelievable urge, to never let go of them. I wanted to thank them, but no word left my mouth. “We’ll be taking you to a hospital.” Jason said from behind us. I shook my head heavy. “No… They’ll maybe… send me home.” It was so exhausted. Salim spoke a little louder now, “But you need to rest Habibti. No arguing.” – “What you said?” I heard that word before, what I wasn’t sure what it meant. Salim chuckled, “It means ‘my love’.” He called me his love? Was he thinking the same about me as I was thinking about him? Or is this standard kindness in Iraq. Anyway, he was right. I feel more and more like I’m fainting; my body hurts bad. But I know I didn’t break any bones.

After a while, we finally reached the exit to the surface. Salim let me down slowly, Jason helped, so I won’t fall. “I’m alright. You can stop pretending that every bone of mine is broken.” My voice was angry. I was a little frustrated, they acted as if I have been a small child. Jason took my chin in one hand and whispered. “We will not let go of you anymore, next time you fall, you might break your neck.” He was right, but still. A little less overprotection please. “Let’s get her out of here.” Salim tied a climbing rope around me, from above two people were standing. “Pull her up guys.” Jason yelled above. Then Jason and Salim started climbing themselves. “You know, I grew up in caves, temples, pyramids and castles. I know how to climb.” I crossed my hands in front of my chest and puffed my checks in protest, as they pulled me up slowly. “Y/n stop arguing. You have fallen very deep, you might pass out, let go of the rope and fall again.” Salim spoke concerned. “I promise you, once we made sure you are on solid ground and doctors gives their ok. You are free to do whatever you like.” He said, Jason cut him off. “Except going down here again. First this must secure. I guess the local police will do that?” I nodded at him. “Yes, they usually do. First, I just want to take a shower and then sleep.” Both men laughed and agreed.

Reaching the surface, the sun almost blinded me, then my heart stopped beating. The shepherd’s hut was in bad condition. Parts have fallen into the ground; few smaller buildings were destroyed from bombs and bullets. “The poor people. Their homes. This must have been the worst day of their life.” I sighed and sat on the ground to take in the information, my eyes gave me. Jason stood beside me and laid his hand on my head. “Sorry about that. We will find you another place to stay.” – “No.” I said, “I will of course stay here and help them where I can, just as my team will do, probably.” Then Salim kneeled next to me and laid a hand on my shoulder. “For now, the police have to secure the area.” He spoke softly. “You should come with me. To rest.” His warm smile was so beautiful. I look him in the eyes, ready to speak as Jason’s huffed so loud, few people around us were suddenly looking at him. I looked at him worried and saw how he frowned. “To your place? Yeah, sure.” He shook his head and turned to leave. Salim stood up, “I hoped you’d come with us as well, or maybe join us later, when you get a free from your duty.” As Salim spoke, Jason stopped.

“As if you would want me there. You want to have y/n all for yourself. I’m not blind!” he spoke loud and angry. But also, sad. He didn’t even turn around to face us directly. I got up from the ground and wanted to walk to him, but Salim stopped me. “And I am not blind either. I see how much you care. Just as I do. And I know, you and I care for each other, just as we did, when we worked together to get her back.” Salim was so calm, I doubt I could ever be mad at him, and it seems Jason thought the same. He turned around, his face eventually softer. But before he could speak, I took Salim’s hand and reached out for Jason as well. “How about that date we talked earlier, Marine. I think I owe you two some nice dinner? For getting me out there.” Jason smiled at my offer and took my hand. “Alright, alright, you got me all wrapped around your finger. So, where’s your place? I think I can’t join right away, but I’ll be there for dinner then.” His voice was finally as it was when we met earlier. Not that tense, not worried, just Jason. Salim chuckled and wrote a little note for Jason. He hugged me tight, before he had to return to his team.

Salim and I started walking to my car. “What a miracle that piece of junk didn’t went diving.” I said honestly surprised. Salim and I laughed at my really bad joke and got in the car. He drove, first to my research place, to inform the others about what happened. “They won’t believe it.” I sighed. “Not until they come back to the hut and see with their own eyes.” Salim said and gave me an assuring pat on my shoulder. I nodded, “Yeah, and I can’t wait to put my legs up, everything is sore.” I sighed again. He chuckled and brushed over my arm, “first, you need to take a shower. I will not let you get in my bed or couch that dirty.” I laughed and took his hand in mine. Holding hands, we made our way. I can’t wait to see Jason again. How can you fall for two people. I guess it’s because I have a very big heart. Maybe? Polyamorous it’s called. I’m not sure what future will hold, but I’m thankful for the moments I will have with the two. Every single second.

So what do you think? Second chapter? Or should i just extend the ending a bit? Or is it fine that way? Please let me know ^^

-Livana

#house of ashes #salim othman #jason kolchek #jason x salim #jason x salim x reader #jalim #jalim x reader #fem!reader #the dark pictures house of ashes #salim x reader #jason x reader

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mavrla · 2 years ago

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I graduated three years ago from my master’s program. I finished with a straight-A average, got the best grade on the scale from my thesis, and got picked to a research group for a multidisciplinary project from a bunch of qualified candidates. I was told by my supervisor and by the person who graded my thesis that I should continue my studies on PhD level. I wanted to continue my studies on PhD level. So what did I do when I arrived back from Rome?

Started teaching in middle school.

The reasons were (mostly) financial: COVID shut me the opportunity to return to my old place of work, and I got offered a teaching position after sending applications to practically anywhere I could imagine working. The idea of having a job that I had an education for was alluring, too, even though I never really wanted to teach for a long term.

I have now taught in middle school for 2,5 years. I don’t particularly like the job - I like to teach, yes, and both religion and history are lovely subjects with many opportunities - as the everyday demands with cramped classrooms, students who need more individual support that it is possible for one person to offer (while still teaching all the other kids in the classroom), and the angry parents are quite a lot to deal with. They also create the kind of challenges I don’t particularly want to solve, nor have the resources to solve. On a personal level, I don’t feel like I’m moving forward or learning to be a better teacher, and so, with all this cynicism that is just increasing every day, the entire purpose of my job is to survive for a day, a week, a month, until the next vacay. Which I need to use to gather my strength and rest. The sheer noise of school/classroom makes me want to go directly to sleep after each workday.

In short, I’m working in a job that could be interesting, but isn’t that for me. I need to find an out before I get even more burnt out than I already am.

The obvious choice, the dream choice, would be going back to the academia. But, as we all know, it isn’t that easy. PhD applications are a challenging project, where you need to stand out as both an excellent scholar and a person that is agreeable enough to work with. And trying to stand out as a middle school teacher who just *wants* to return to academia because she can’t tolerate the idea of staying in the classroom for any more time is... difficult.

I always feel like I’m not enough to apply anywhere. I might have a curious mind, but my imagination is lacking and it has always been very difficult to me to find a fresh angle to any given topic - which, to me, sounds like an essential skill to a PhD student. My English is better than it has been, but I’m still not anywhere near native speaker level, and I have little other language skills to compensate for that. I read French, Italian, and German all to some degree, but I’m not capable of writing or conversing in them. As a historian, my knowledge of ancient languages is lacking, too. My Latin isn’t as good as it should be. My Greek is barely there, as are my Hebrew and Arabic. I know I can study more, I know I *have to* study more, but still, the feeling of being just too incapable of doing anything with these skills lingers.

I know I can write. The problem is I hate writing. After graduating, I have participated in two different article collections, and it's been an honor, but I still enjoy reading other people’s thoughts far more than I enjoy vocalizing my own. So, this has lead me to think that perhaps I don’t want a PhD, perhaps I just miss the academia - getting to read and converse and enjoy being surrounded by curious people who love the same sticks and stones I do? Maybe academia in itself is my happy place, but taking the next step there isn’t for me?

So maybe I should leave my job and apply for another master’s. I could do history, as I already have a strong background there, or Islamic studies, psychology or philosophy, as I used to minor in those. I could expand my expertise and study something like gender/intersectionality studies. Or I could just try to apply to some prestigious school and see if the grass is greener in there, if that would make me feel like I was able to conduct original research sometime in the future.

At the same time, I feel like doing a new master’s would not only be a financial suicide but also taking a step back - a step I have already taken and completed relatively successfully. I have ideas that I love, I have willingness to pursue these ideas and see where they would take me, but taking the next step and trying to sell these ideas feels so terrifying that it’s debilitating. I have spent so many days lying in my bed reading fanfiction when I could have sent emails to some professors I know could help me (or ignore me, which probably is the more realistic worst case scenario in comparison to the imaginary derision and laughter I’m expecting in my head).

I feel so tired and confused and alone with all these thoughts and dreams and hopes and fears. Some days, they just hurt me more than they usually do, and today is just one of those days.

#phd applications #imposter syndrome #gradbrl #grad student #phd candidate #teacher rant

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fateheartblog · 2 years ago

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HC: Sapphire Incense and Love Languages

A Zachary/Dorian one-shot piece, from a few years after the end of Fateheart

Some time in the early years of the new Harbour, the Fateheart-Rawlins are sat in a café in India, drinking local wine and not focusing very hard on the task at hand, which is for Dorian to teach Zachary Arabic. This series of dates is less about learning languages, at which Zachary is naturally, effortlessly terrible, and more an excuse for Zachary to listen to Dorian speaking to him in a tongue he does not get to hear at home in the Harbour, where all is translated automatically.

Dorian smiles at a word as he passes it to Zachary, getting him to repeat it, amused at the sound of it in this context. At his husband's inquiring look Dorian expresses that this is an Arabic term of endearment which he uses often with him - but Zachary, who usually cannot see his lips in the particular moments when he whispers it, has had no reason to notice before that Dorian is not saying it in English.

This leads to Dorian confessing that most of what he says in the bedroom is Arabic - not only because it is his oldest tongue and therefore his most natural avenue of expression for profound feeling, but because the language itself is uniquely rich with its lexicon of love poetry, its potency of imagery and sound and tenderness. This revelation makes Zachary almost irrationally upset, which takes Dorian by surprise, reaching for his husband's hand across the table, startled by the ferocity of his reaction.

Zachary demands to know what else he is missing - how much of the experience of Dorian's voice he is being cheated of by the muting overreach of the Harbour's translation powers. Dorian is astonished, as he flicks through many of the things he has murmured against Zachary's skin, to find that Zachary is crying.

"What do you mean? You're speaking to me in Arabic and I don't get to hear it? You're telling me you love me but I'm getting it second-hand? This isn't - I'm not blaming you - I'm not - well, I think I am angry, actually, but not at you - I'm angry at what I'm missing. I want - I can't believe this. You've been speaking to me but your voice is being obfuscated. You're telling me I don't get to hear the way you love me - the way you truly, most authentically love me - the way you - god, Dorian, I LOVE the way you talk to me. I love the things you say to me. It's almost as important to me as the way you touch me. You know this. You know how much I love your voice. I can't believe my own husband's voice has been hidden from me. I feel like I've - sorry, I'm sorry - I feel cheated. I don't want the watered down version of this. Ever. I want YOU. I want to hear you. I want to hear what you actually say to me. In the words you actually use to say it. I don't care if I don't understand it. You think there is anything you could say to me that I wouldn't understand? In any language? I want you and I cannot believe that all the moments I've been closest to you I've actually been a step further away than I thought. God, okay, we're fixing this, Dorian. I'm not having this."

These years of their lives are late enough into Dorian's work routing out the remaining Cats that it is safe for them above the world, so at Zachary's demand these café afternoons turn into bar and restaurant evenings, which turn into hotel room nights, which turn into balcony dawns and river-bank mornings, basking in the starlight of a world which draws no veils between the stories one tells and the words used to tell them.

These nights away from home are a fresh delight, but they are also a compromise. The two of them long to bring this newest intimacy of language home with them. After a month Zachary thinks to ask the kitchen if there is a way to lift the translation in their apartment - even just in the bedroom - even just for an hour - even just once. And at his scrawled, heartfelt, handwritten note, the kitchen sends back a lighter and a long, thin box filled with many, many sticks of incense. The coating of the sticks is a rich sapphire blue and the box itself has a navy velvet lid and a gold base.

Zachary takes a stick and lights it, snapping shut the ornately wrought lighter and placing it next to the burner on the dresser. The scent is spiced and vibrant, eucalyptus and nutmeg and woodsmoke, like cloves and saffron and bergamot, resin and winter and oak. The silver smoke thickens the comfortable darkness behind the low lights of their bedroom. He steps back to his husband, breathing deeply.

They wait for a moment. Dorian takes his hands, watching his husband's eyes follow the twisting grey into the shadows. He opens his mouth, tasting the scent in the back of his throat, potent but comfortable, familiar and rich. He calls Zachary's attention back to him by asking a question in a language which now, in this new air the Harbour has gifted them, remains for both of them in its original language.

Zachary looks up at him, his face falling into a delighted smile. As he kisses him, tasting the words which he is now getting to hear as they were originally nurtured for him, a tiny part of his brain wonders if this might finally be the incentive he needs to actually learn some Arabic. Not that it matters. He has known and loved these words already, and is drowning once more in the voice that speaks them.

by BoogleBoot

Read Fateheart here if you haven't already

#Headcannon #Fateheart #Fanficiton #The Starless Sea #Zachary Ezra Rawlins #Zachary/Dorian #The Fateheart-Rawlins #One-shot

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kick-a-long · 1 year ago

Note

It’s vital to not conflate Jews with the current Israel government nor Hamas with Palestinians. These are four distinct groups who should be treated differently depending upon organized action and opinion. They also have very different historical perspectives and values.

Hamas is funded and directed by Iran and billionaires in Qatar. They see Gaza’s civilian population as soldiers, wombs for soldiers, and human shields called martyrs. There’s very few Gaza residents that can exist without supporting Hamas. They have no economic opportunity or education outside becoming a militant or letting Hamas make their schools, hospitals, businesses, any civilian structures into arms depots or military installations.

The Israelis had been protesting Bibis government for graft and trying to eliminate checks on power for months before October. They, on the whole, want to live a two state system where Palestine has a government system that provides for them and live in peace without constant rocket attacks and terrorism. This may have changed since a huge percentage of their population (especially peace advocates were targeted by Hamas and left out to hang by Bibi in October)

Hamas has fucked any chance of there being any kind of peace between Israel and the Middle East. It has destabilized the WORLD, not just the entire region. Russia may also be involved since they want eyes off of Ukraine in my opinion (aka I can’t prove it.)

Zionism is just saying that based on the current and historical facts, most countries can suddenly and violently start killing Jews. There should be a Jewish state where Jews can escape persecution. That place is Israel because it’s provably indigenously Jewish (this isn’t to say Palestinians are not indigenous. Palestinians are indigenous to the land also but many even outside Hamas are vocal about wanting Jews to die) Israel has history, dna connections, cultural artifacts, first hand accounts in the Torah as well as first hand historical accounts from all over the ancient world in all different languages that Jews originated there.

Zionism has a lot of meanings. Anti Zionistist was how neonazis spread antisemitism after and before WW2. It’s a neonazi dog whistle. There are probably some people that don’t use it like that but the vast majority use it to call for violence against Jews. Even if they have no ties to Israel and have never even thought about it before.

Hamas are headed and funded by non Palestinian Muslim theocrats that also hate and kill other sects of Muslims, Muslim women, Jews who have had to flee to Israel and anyone who is not a “Muslim” as the most radical and violent fundamentalists describe it. Many Iranian expatriates will tell you how cruel these states are to Muslims. These countries do not let Muslims practice as they choose. They don’t want Jews to exist at all. They consider Christians targets as well. These are not Muslims or people of faith. They use faith for control and suppression of anyone anywhere in the world.

Antisemites online and at protests will lie and deceive to steer the conversation away from helping people into hatred of Jews. They don’t like Arabs, they want anyone who isn’t white to die or be expelled. They say anti Zionist so they can cloak, “all Jews are greedy and control the media and the world governments” into “Zionists are preventing media from covering the facts” or “Zionists control how Biden responds to Israel” or “Zionists are Nazis, didn’t they learn anything from the holocaust?” Which quickly Becomes “hitler and osama bin Laden was right to kill (((Zionists))) who control Washington and New York!”

you've reblogged some posts about how people hide their antisemitism in antizionism. I'm trying to educate myself further, could you please explain how?

It's great that you are reaching out to educate yourself further.

Zionism as an ideology just means that the State of Israel should exist in one form or another in Southern Levant.

Zionism is not an inherently violent ideology. Just like with any ideology, there are those who are violent and those who aren't. Not all zionists are jews and not all jews are zionists.

Zionism also doesn't mean that Palestine can't exist. Palestine isn't even mentioned in the base ideology of Zionism. You can have zionists who believe in Palestine not existing, however that is not zionism. That is an added on opinion to zionism, like a side to a main meal if we are to use a metaphor.

If you believe in a two state solution, you are a zionist as you believe that the state of Israel should exist.

Some people hide their antisemitism behind antizionism. People who do that usually wouldn't have the opinion that they do about Israel for other countries. Whilst not all Israeli citizens are jews, Israel is mostly comprised of jews. The fact that a person is having a certain opinion only about a jew majority country and not any other country is cause for concern. What about that country is different to other countries? The answer is a majority Jewish population.

An example of anti a country when it's really about hating jews, which does not involve Israel is South Africa's immigration policy in the 1930's. SA limited the amount of immigrants from countries with a high Jewish population but did have any limits for low Jewish population countries. On the Wikipedia page about that, it is called antisemitism and I think most people can agree that it is antisemitism as the only reason why those high Jewish population countries are limited is because if their high Jewish population.

So as you can see, before Israel's existence in the modern world, jews have faced antisemitism hid as being against a country.

If the amount of jews a country has is the only difference as to why they are getting special treatment negatively vs other countries, that is antisemitic.

Genuine critiques of the Israeli government is valid and is not antisemitism. Critiques of the Israeli government which you wouldn't have about any other government is antisemitic.

A lot of people will call unvalid critiques antizionism even though it counts as antisemitism.

The best way to know if someone is hiding their antisemitism as antizionism is to go "does this person hold the state of Israel to different standards than other countries" if the answer is yes, then you are seeing antisemitism.

Another form of antisemitism being held as antizionism is if someone views all zionists as being violent and anti Palestine. As I touched on earlier, zionism is not inherently either of those two things. Yes some people can be both of those thing, a zionist and violent/is anti Palestine, however zionism is inherently neither of those things.

If you believe that a state of Israel can't exist without Palestine being destroyed, why? Because it's never been successful as peace? Communism has never been successfully implemented yet a lot of antizionists believe in Communism and don't think doing so is wrong or harmful. Israel has never broken a ceasefire before. So its not like there hasn't been attempts for Israel to exist alongside Palestine from Israel.

If someone believes that all zionists are violent and hate Israel, it also poses the question of why someone believes that an ideology born by jews is inherently violent?

Now getting into my personal opinion to take this as you will.

Antizionism is impossible to implement without harming jews. If you got rid of the state of Israel, what happens to the jew who lived in Israel?

Jews are not allowed to immigrate to Gaza by Hamas. Hamas wants to kill all jews. Do you really think that will stop once Israel no longer exists? What's the other alternative? Forcing all jews to immigrate to other countries? How well do you think that is going to go when over 6 million people need to move to other countries. Think about refugee crises. Those have not been handled well. Do you think that potential crisis of having to rehome 6 million jews will be handled with ease? Wanting either of that is antisemitic not antizionism.

A one state solution for either country will not work and therefore a two state solution needs to be put in place which Israel has wanted since its existence in the modern day.

#antisemitism #anti zionisim #jumblr #they are also assholes that will steal:#time #emotional energy #and time #rambles

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rotzaprachim · 4 years ago

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#if there is ANYTHING i have learned. from my two months in arabic that i was in before getting booted from the class #it is this: arabic is an extraordinarily complicated and complex language #if you do not speak it or even the dialect that you're using very well. i would not suggest including arabic beyond simply and verified #words/phrases and ESPECIALLY i would not reccomend sharing resources #native speakers pls let me know if i have something wrong in the following this is from the perspective of someone who was in the class #for two months before getting booted but ANYWAY #starting with grammar and writing some issues:#a) transliteration. arabic is not written in the same alphabet as english. it has its own alphabet and its own phonology based around said #alphabet. while there is a marked modern tradition of texting in western characters etc franco you will notice for instance how numbers #stand in for additional letters i.e. 3 for ayn.#the issue here comes again less in just throwing something into fics for the audience to understand than like. creating resources #transliterating things when you might not know how transliteration works and have MASSIVE confusion or unintended mix ups with the words #these can be embarassing! extremely so.#ANOTHER massive issue: GENDER.#semitic languages are some of the most gendered in the world and many verbs as well as directions like i give to you you give to me as well #different kinds of possessives can all be gendered #(i think the rules for individual dialects may differ)#something you might assume to be neutral might actually be clearly marked as i.e. male talking to female or woman giving man a book #just by virtue of the grammar.#it's why i tend to flinch at arabic sample phrases- that phrase may likely change in the context of who says it and to whom #(there's also a huge discussion about formality a lot of resources are meant for business learners etc and assume most formal down is the #way to drill it in but! you probably aren't going to call your lover by a formal title in bed. anyway.)#and that's before we get into the split between MSA and dialects #look. it's complicated. what should be said is that classical (aka fusHa) + modern standard arabic are formal languages and not spoken in #a day to day situation certainly not casually in a hey what's up fashion (although this is what wikipedia gives you in a garbled fashion.)#there are massive differences between the dialects in terms of vocabulary and syntax #but also there are massive differences between msa and the dialects as a whole (even order of words)#that we should be... cognizant of #anyway there is so much complexity within all of this and i repeat i am NOT A NATIVE ARABIC SPEAKER and LANGUAGES TEND NOT TO BE ABSOLUTE #but in between the transliteration thing and GENDER FUCKING GENDER i encourage you... not to create resource lists or use arabic words

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intuitive-bbloom · 3 years ago

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🎃👻What lies in your subconscious that you need to heal. Shadow work.👻🎃

Hello my lovelies, how are you doing today. I decided to make this pac for the spooky month of October November 👻 What is deep within you that is negative and brings this hurt? The unknown. The fear, sadness, anger? You don’t know? Okay let me give you the breakdown before we hop into this.

Shadow self.

You’ve probably heard about it or not, but what is the shadow self? You must be thinking. The shadow self according to me is the part of yourself you’re not aware of or you might be aware of it but choose to ignore it, the dark part of yourself that you don’t like that manifests itself in your character and interactions with people. To me, it usually reveals itself when you’ve hit a certain low vibration but most times you can notice it in your day to day life. That sadness, anger, greed, self sabotaging nature that is all within us is the shadow self.

However, this is something you can’t destroy. It is energy hahaha and energy can neither be created nor destroyed but can be converted from one form to another. That’s the first law of thermodynamics and it’s cool to see it can be applied here, take it as the balanced symbol of Yin and Yang, day and night. The two are different but can not exist without each other, without night there is no day, and in the Yin and Yang symbol there is a little of both in each other, they are independent but still intertwined in each other. But here is one thing, there is balance, Yin doesn’t overshadow Yang and vice versa, there is equality and that is the way life should be.

The same applies to you, a person. You should embrace your shadow self but not let it overtake your identity and lose balance. Now let’s get into the pac now you know what your shadow self is. It’s time for Shadow work.

But before you start asking, “What is shadow work?” Lemme give you a watered down version of what it is.

Shadow work is the step by step process of embracing yourself, flaws and all and making improvements to better yourself.

⚠️Know this, shadow work is not an easy thing to do but it will pay off in the end, it can take weeks, months, years and even a lifetime but you know what, in the end it’ll be worth it.⚠️

Okay enough explaining! Let’s get into the piles shall we! ☺️😂😂

How to pick?

I recommend taking in deep breaths and bringing yourself to a calm state before choosing the image you’re most drawn to, you can visualize a line in your mind while repeating which one should you pick and when you feel connected, choose the one you want to read. You can choose more than 1 pile. 🧡

Disclaimer

These images aren’t for me, I got them from Pinterest, I don’t own any of them.

Pile 1

1010

Uranus

February

222

Family

Latin

Ram

2nd house

Taurus

Luxury

Gladiolus

Man

Hello there pile 1! It occurs to me that the pain you need to heal has to do with your family and stability, you might’ve grown up in an environment where there was never enough money to cater to your needs or the lifestyle you craved. There was a lots of ups and downs in your life, major highs and lows, you probably had to mature quickly at a young age to adapt to such environments and start working to support your family. For some of you, you might come from like Hispanic/Arabic homes and there’s strong masculine energy in this pile. Your inner child needs some work to be done, also if you have limiting beliefs that you’ll be just like someone in your family who isn’t a good person or mentor, cut such thoughts away. You need to strengthen your resolve and persevere through, you’re not going to be in that situation you were in before, of never having enough money, affection, love or anything. You need to heal your mindset and willpower. I suggest journaling and letting out your thoughts and manifest your dreams. You’re a strong manifester and do you often get headaches, you seem to be an over thinker because my head hurts. You need to learn to trust in divine timing and go with the flow of the universe, meditation is highly recommended.

Have a nice day pile one! Like and reblog 💕💕

Pile 2

Sister

You’re worth it

A little patience doesn’t hurt

Gemini

Moon

September

Worker

I love you

Jaguar

Love yourself

Hello there pile 2! Wow. You seem to have self esteem issues, were you often compared to the women in your life? Like your sister for example or your best friend? You bottle up your feelings believing you’re an inconvenience to other people in your life, you don’t want to burden them with your feelings and that’s not true, your feelings are just as important like everything else! It’s so sad the way you think and that’s something you need to work on, your self concept is destroying you from the inside, you’re worth so much pile 2! Even if you don’t feel like it, you are! Just like a pebble on the sidewalk someone will see you and love you, that pebble feels like it’s just another stone amongst the rest of the pretty ones but you’re just as special as any other! You have your own beauty, quirks and talents that people appreciate, they love you and I suggest you start doing the same and stop focusing on all your imperfections and focus on the good stuff that makes you, you. You need to look within yourself and try to look for where this stemmed from and confront it, while you’re doing that be journaling and keep finding ways to improve yourself and love yourself. I love you pile 2! You’re strong and you will pull through!

Stay safe pile 2! Like and reblog! 💕💕

Pile 3

I will not hurt you

I love spending time with you

Foreign

You’re worth it

Broken

Dreams

Jaguar

Keep your balance

000

Uranus

Phoenix

Pisces

New horizons

Ram

Pile 3 you have similar energies to pile 2, so if you were drawn to that pile too I suggest you check it out. Now unto the reading, It seems to me you have been betrayed by someone you trusted, you put in all the hard work, sacrificed your time, love, money and more but was left in the dust. You believed them/this person and they made you doubt yourself, question your reality and what not, gaslighted you if I may add. They pulled your wings and dulled your shine, snuffed out your fire and left you broken and in the dumps. But I want you to know that this is a period for transformation, you need to heal these past traumas and put yourself out there, you can’t keep hiding in your shell and blending in to not get noticed. You’re worth everything you desire, your dreams and ambitions and hope all matter! So don’t downplay it just because someone did, you need to rise from the ashes of this hurt and burn brighter, your light needs to return. You have to stop holding onto the past and peoples opinions of you and move forward to claim that new beginning you deserve. New love and new friends, be strong pile 3, I’m rooting for you.

Have a nice day pile 3, your dreams are worth every dime and effort! Like and reblog 💕✨

Pile 4

Inner beauty

January

You’re extraordinary

Raven

Mars

Sun set

Politics

Soul family

Let your walls down

Snake

Hello there pile 4! Do you think people only like you for your appearances and not what you have to bring to the table, that you’re just an accessory to them and you’re more than that, that you’re an able bodied person who has a mind of their own and opinions, who debates, who can talk and bring awareness about topics but people pay you no mind and downplay what you have to say? It makes you so mad and angry deep down inside that people have reduced you to this, your passion is being ignored and swept over and all you can do is bottle it up, all you can do is hide your true self for the sake of others. Please don’t dull your shine flat the expense of others, you need to live your life unapologetically, if this current environment doesn’t allow you to express yourself, you need to leave, you need to put a close to this chapter to finally be at peace with yourself. You’ve gotten so used to making yourself so small and recluse that you’re afraid of being your true self with new people, but I want to tell you that your soul family is coming soon and you wouldn’t have to do that anymore. You’ll be able to be yourself and accepted without a care in the world. Live your life Pile 4, step into your power.

Have a nice day pile 4! I’m rooting for you! 💕💕 like and reblog!

𝔹𝕓𝕝𝕠𝕠𝕞💕✨

#free tarot #intuitive #astrology #spirituality #pac reading #pick a pile #pick a card #pac #pick an image #pick a deck #tarot reading #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #free tarot reading #tarotdaily #shadow work #self care

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espressokiri · 3 years ago

Note

Heyy, I’m Muslim and I’m also a huge simp for Todoroki, Bakugo, Iida, and Kaminari. Soooo can I have them with a Muslim (possibly hijabi) s/o?

Todoroki Shoto, Bakugou Katsuki, Iida Tenya, and Kaminari Denki x Hijabi!reader

In which reader is a hijabi Muslim.

Warnings: None

Genre: Fluff (literally half these ideas came from late night talks with my bestie @that-weirdo-in-the-corner)

Note: My first headcanon <3 I hope you like it!

Todoroki Shoto

We’re all aware of this mans lack of physical affection and aloof nature, along with his social awkwardness. That’s a recipe for odd encounters and hilarious misunderstandings.

This man gained interest in you when he noticed you were elegant even while in training/battles, along with your sweet nature and fashionable modest wear.

He researched about your religion and had found out that only women who are married are allowed to go out alone with their partners.

Poor boy didn’t read/research enough.

He decides to get to know you from a distance, respecting your boundaries and it wasn’t that hard to avoid physical contact as he himself was not one to initiate it.

When you did get closer and formed an emotional bond, you’ll be met with the weirdest encounter;

“Shoto, what are you doing?” You blinked, not understanding what the half-and-half male was doing bent on one knee with a ring box outside your family home.

“I read that we can only go out on dates together if you’re married.”

You want to smack your head on the wall but you were flattered at the same time.

Had to tell him that you were allowed on dates if you were chaperoned by a family member or friends.

Had Fuyumi chaperone you two, she was very delighted but had kept watch from a distance.

Shoto has the best time learning about your religion, curiously asking questions and gains a deeper understanding of how things were in your perspective.

He keeps a respectful distance even during dates, making sure he wasn’t crossing boundaries.

Would scour the whole of Japan to find halal food.

Tells you that he called Endeavour shaytaan and you choke on the water you were sipping on, laughing out loud.

Fasts with you one day and is betrayed at how full he felt after one bite.

Hands you Endeavour’s exclusive credit card for Eid.

Todoroki is just very genuine and he tries his best to keep you comfortable around him, also carries hijab pins in his backpack just in case you need some.

Bakugou Katsuki

Oh God.

Listen, he’s very respectful in his own way but it took him time to work through it with his competitive nature.

Man has done his research thoroughly and he is ready to commit.

“I can cook us a vegetarian meal that won’t be boring to the tastebuds like the crap they sell out there.”

That’s his way of asking you out, making sure his parents would be home too because he knows two people of different genders should not be left alone.

Makes the best damn vegetarian dish. Vegetarian because he has yet to figure out what halal is.

Tries to learn some words, does excellent but his way of speaking is even more aggressive than an Emirati accent. He has your Arab friends shaking in their shoes.

It’s Ramadan? Prepare for three am calls that consist of him yelling at you to get up. Yes, he breaks his sleep pattern to wake you up to eat. Yes, he makes you video call him so he makes sure you eat well and hydrate. Yes, he ends up fasting with you so you don’t feel alone. Will he tell you that? No.

Sometimes he makes Iftar for you and brings it in a bento, giving it to you after school so you can have a good meal.

Watches you with wide eyes and mouth open in shock when he sees you eating when you’re supposed to be fasting;

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO EAT YET!”

“I- I’m on my period?”

“SO?”

“We’re not allowed to fast while we’re on our period.”

He stays quiet the rest of the day.

Admires different styles of hijab you do.

Eid? He’s the best dressed alongside you.

Bakugou would be a good partner, respectable, and tries his best to understand and make you feel comfortable in his own way.

Iida Tenya

This boy knows everything already.

Has done research the second he realized there was a Muslim classmate, and as a good fellow class president it was his duty to make sure everyone was comfortable.

Has extra scarves with a small tin full of pins for you kept under his desk in case of emergencies or if they get damaged in training (which wouldn’t happen as Hatsume had created one that would resist damage.) It was a nice thought.

He does slowly wants to get to know you more as your sweet nature made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Keeps a respectful distance at all time.

“Asalam Alaikum, Y/n! It has come to my attention that Ramadan is nearing soon so I have made a list of dietary necessities you may need to intake in order to help your quirk during the holy month.”

“Iida, that’s so sweet of you! You didn’t have to! Also, how did you pronounce that so well?”

“As you class president and friend, I am honoured to do such! To answer your question, I had listened to someone say it on repeat before I practiced.”

This man has every word on repeat just to soak it in his brain.

Averts his eyes even if he sees your ankle, angry at himself for accidentally glancing.

Sir, I promise it’s not a sin to look at an ankle accidentally.

Sees your Hijab bunching up and start showing bits of your neck and shoulder? Grabs the end of the scarf and pulls it down to cover again, avoiding touching your skin.

Checks the ingredients list of the snacks you’re buying for gelatine or alcohol, making sure it’s halal/vegetarian/vegan friendly.

Upset you can’t find halal gummies? This man goes online and orders a bag of certified halal sweets for you to enjoy because you deserve simple joys like this.

Makes sure you pray on time, has the MuslimPro app on his phone to keep track.

He also scrolls through the app to learn more.

Iida is a perfect gentleman and he’s also making sure that you stay spiritually on track and don’t get distracted <3

Kaminari Denki

This man is a physically affectionate person.

He will make the mistake of bounding over to you and slinging an arm around your shoulder or pull you into a hug.

But he will learn and try to control the affectionate urges, limiting himself to hand holding if you allow it.

He thinks you look wonderful with the different coloured hijabs.

Tries making you wear a yellow and black one to match his hair.

Forgets that you can’t eat everything and anything, especially casual things like gummies.

Will apologize profusely when he realizes after you tell him it has gelatine.

Tries to stave off of gelatine infused products.

“Not even water???”

“Denki, I swear to God I’m going to smack you.”

Yes he’s that guy.

Tries fasting with you, just sleeps through the whole day till it was time to eat.

When he see’s you dozing off in class because of staying up all night either because of suhoor or special night prayers during the last ten days, he’ll zap you to keep you paying attention.

He is honestly your hype man when it comes to modest fashion, especially during Eid. This boy will dramatically kneel on the floor and look at you like you’re the light of his life.

Get’s excited when you hand him Eid money because you love him and he has cute child-like tendencies.

Tries greeting your family members, comes out as gibberish.

“Asalamasjdaskjdhashjs”

“Not quite there yet, Denki. A-plus for effort.”

He’s a fun guy who tries to better himself around you, making sure he’s aware of his actions and makes an effort to not mess up around you because he’s never felt so in love with a person as he has with you.

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jaanusbooktalk · 3 years ago

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Tell Me How You Really Feel by Aminah Mae Safi - Book Review

9.5/10 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️🌟

TWs: car accident, cursing, sexism, panic attacks, abandonment

(TWs are ranked in order of severity, please take them seriously!)

Summary

“The first time Sana Khan asked out a girl-Rachel Recht--it went so badly that she never did it again. Rachel is a film buff and aspiring director, and she's seen Carrie enough times to learn you can never trust cheerleaders (and beautiful people). Rachel was furious that Sana tried to prank her by asking her on a date.

But when it comes time for Rachel to cast her senior project, she realizes that there's no more perfect lead than Sana--the girl she's sneered at in the halls for the past three years. And poor Sana--she says yes. She never did really get over that first crush, even if Rachel can barely stand to be in the same room as her.

Told in alternative viewpoints and set against the backdrop of Los Angeles in the springtime, when the rainy season rolls in and the Santa Ana's can still blow--these two girls are about to learn that in the city of dreams, anything is possible--even love.”

TL;DR Tell Me How You Really Feel is an ode to romantic comedies, following two girls on opposite sides of the social scale as they work together to make a movie and try very hard not to fall in love. Cheerleader meets film nerd, enemies to lovers.

I found this book through one of those tik tok videos where someone is flinging books off a pile at light speed under a caption “queer SA (South Asian) books you need to read”. I absolutely love those videos, even though they test my screenshotting abilities.

It’s been a while since I updated this blog(?) and that’s because I’ve been very busy finishing out the school year and reading every gay book I could get my hands on over the course of pride month. I will be posting reviews of those books soon, but in a quick review so far this month I’ve read:

• Last Night At The Telegraph Club

• Unearthed (graphic novel)

• Café con Leche

• Eighty Days (graphic novel)

• Tell Me How You Really Feel (this review!)

• The Raven Cycle (yes all 4 books, no I will not be reviewing)

Honorable mention: All 50 episodes of The Untamed (SUCH a good cdrama) & Season 1 of Stranger Things

I’ve realized over the course of this book binge that I prefer my enemies to lovers to have good reasoning - or at least understandable reasoning on both sides. My favorite part is seeing how that can morph into love without either realizing until it’s too late *cue evil laughter*

Tell Me How You Really Feel does that perfectly. I especially loved how it was written - the characters were flawed, raw and dynamic, and the writing style reminded me of books by Nicola Yoon (The Sun is Also a Star, Everything Everything). The romance isn’t necessarily the focus - it’s shoved in on the shelf along with everything else happening in the characters lives. The story simply starts (ish) and ends with the life of their romance within that.

And because this is a gay high school romance between a cheerleader and a film nerd, of course there are a million movie references, from Pakeezah to Pretty in Pink.

Meena Kumari 😩🧎🏽‍♀️

But real quick, let’s talk

Representation

Sana Khan and Rachel Recht, the main characters, are both into women. Although their sexualities aren’t explicitly stated, this part is made very clear.

Sana is desi, and Persian and Indian if I remember correctly? Her family is very mixed and has a lot of languages (Bengali, Urdu, Arabic, Persian, French, etc). She is second-gen American, while I’m pretty sure Rachel is first-gen (at least on her mom’s side).

Rachel is Mexican and Jewish, and her family consists of just her and her father (and their larger community) in comparison to Sana’s many cousins and aunties/uncles. Her full name is Rachel Consuela Recht, which I’m guessing is to show her mixed cultures.

For Sana I can somewhat call this an own voices review on representation, but please keep in mind the Indian (and larger desi community) is not a monolith & we won’t all agree on my own interpretation.

What I really liked about representation for Sana and her family was it is very women-centric. Her grandmother, Mamani, is very clearly the matriarch, and Farrah, Sana’s mom, is a single mother working in the film industry. In western literature desi culture is typically portrayed as oppressing women, especially in Muslim households, but this stereotype is flipped on its head by Sana’s family. It also showed how within a religion certain family members can be more religious than others - Sana & her Mamani are more religious (praying regularly, not drinking, etc) while Farrah is less so - and there’s no negative connotation on it.

Rachel and Sana both engage in religious holidays over the course of the book (Norwuz for Sana, Passover for Rachel). Since I’m neither Muslim or Jewish, it was interesting to learn more about the holidays and how they’re celebrated.

Single parenting rep (Rachel raised by her dad, Sana raised by her mom) was also really good. As someone being raised by a single mom & at one point a single dad, the struggle is portrayed really well.

Finally, I love that Sana fills the character of pretty perfect Gilmore-girls-esque cheerleader. Brown women don’t often get to be portrayed as lovely and soft and also raw and real at the same time. It really hit my heart 💗 Sana’s features are seen as beautiful by everyone around her - like a commonly accepted fact. She’s the official “pretty girl” of her school - and so much more beneath that.

What I Loved:

Aside from the good rep, the way the book is written is just ✨ poetic ✨

“Sana smiled, and suddenly Rachel understood every stupid love poem comparing the beloved to the sun.”

HOW DO I RECOVER??

Mainly though, I think this book came at the right time for me. Sana’s situation was really relatable to me, and her storyline actually helped me figure out some stuff in my own life (no spoilers!)

If you’re worried about the future, or planning to become a doctor or lawyer - read this book.

I’m also a sucker for big movie style gestures so this was a plus. I could see how the book was going to end generally way before the end, and that made it more of a comfort read than an “intellectual” read. I loved the character development as well - some serious words of wisdom in there!

As someone who wants to go to college in LA, and can’t afford to visit, this is as close as it gets to seeing what life there is like for me 😂 I’m curious to see what those Santa Anas feel like!

Why I couldn’t give it a 10:

I wasn’t the biggest fan of Rachel’s character to be honest. She hated Sana so much at the beginning, for something that had happened in their freshman year (the story takes place in their senior year). I could understand animosity, but it was another level. It made me think Rachel had anger issues - she seemed really self pitying and insecure. Which would have been fine - I’m all for character development - if she had realized that. But Rachel never seemed to come to terms with the fact that she had treated Sana like sh*t at every turn for nearly 4 years. It’s not that they don’t fall in love (this is a love story) but she doesn’t really feel remorseful for how she acted.

On set, when she’s directing the crew, the way she treated them reminded me of Michael Scott from the Office 😭

I also wish there had been more focus on the other characters in the book. Farrah, Sana’s mom, and Daniel, Rachel’s dad, kind of felt like glorified plot devices, especially near the end. Same goes for Diesel, Sana’s so-called best friend. We don’t actually see a lot of their relationship aside from Diesel giving her rides from school and then playing video games with her. In the end, his purpose was also a little plot device-y, a little serving the main ship, etc.

I liked that Diesel subverted the dumb insensitive jock trope, but I would have loved to see more of him and Maddie (another cheerleader)!

^unrelated but I love this scene (very scary cheerleader)

Overall, the book was a satisfying beach read (as in, I literally read it on the beach). Feel good, decent character development (on Sana’s part), and it gave me something I’d really been searching for: an enemies to lovers story between queer women of color in high school. Like babe- this is my niche!!

And yes, I cried at the end.

I sincerely recommend to fans of:

The Sun is Also A Star

Everything Everything

Movies (if you’re a movie nerd, you’re going to get wayy more of these references than I did)

But I’m A Cheerleader (movie)

Sense 8 (show) especially if you like the wlw couple

Most of my reviews for this month are going to be LGBTQ+ stories between PoC 🏳️‍🌈 so stay tuned!

#book review #bipocbookstagram #poc books #booklr #diverse reads #lgbtq books #tell me how you really feel #aminah mae safi #lets go lesbians #everything everything #the sun is also a star #queer enemies to lovers #enemiestolovers #cheerleader #film nerd #happy pride 🌈#queer bipoc #queer desi

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jiejie-eonni-onee-sama · 3 years ago

Text

Come what may...

For my beloved @marilynmonroefanfics 🌹💐

Hope you’ll love the story!

Sitting at his desk, Gareth Mallory was reading the report that his faithful secretary, Eve Moneypenny, had just given him. For once, Bond gave his papers on time!

It was a great surprise to the MI6 boss: 007 usually handed in his mission reports at least a month late. And that was when he was thinking of doing it!

For sure, James was the best agent MI6 had ever known. However, he was also the most stubborn and defiant British spy.

His exploits had already given Mallory a hard time, and he had to justify his agent's actions to the government at every turn, praying that he would not suffer the consequences.

Deep in his reading, he did not hear the knock on the door.

He was only roused from his thoughts when he heard the door open, and a person entered the room.

"Good morning, sir. Forgive me for disturbing you..."

Upset at being disturbed, Mallory looked up:

"You could at least knock on the door. Imagine that I was in the middle of..."

He paused as he saw the person standing in the doorway.

It was a young man, about thirty years old, with well-coiffed golden brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a rather classic but elegant grey suit. In his hand, he held a black folder.

Something was charming and attractive about the newcomer that did not leave Gareth indifferent.

With a hesitant voice, the young man tried to justify himself:

"With all due respect, sir, I knocked on the door before entering..."

Coming to his senses, the MI6 boss replied:

"I apologise for my rudeness, but I have one of my agents who has a bad habit of coming in unannounced. Please, come in."

"Thank you."

"By the way, let me introduce myself: Gareth Mallory, or M, as my subordinates call me."

"Sebastian Armistead, a pleasure."

As the two men shook hands, Mallory felt a slight electric shock run through his body. It wasn't unpleasant, on the contrary, but it felt strange.

After the usual greetings, Gareth invited Sebastian to sit down before asking him:

"Well, young sir Armistead, how about you explain the reason for your visit?"

"The Prime Minister has assigned me to work here at MI6 as a geopolitical expert. It would be more convenient for the secret service to have regular updates on the international situation."

"Interesting. And do you have anything to back up your status?"

The young man pulled out a sheet of paper from his file and handed it to Gareth:

"This is my resume, with all my professional experiences and diplomas."

"Let's see... You have a degree in Politics and International Relations, which you obtained at Cambridge. You have had various assignments in British embassies and consulates in France, Germany, Portugal, Morocco, Colombia, Ukraine, Japan, Taiwan, South Korea, USA, Canada and South Africa. My goodness, you've travelled a lot!"

"I've been on the move quite a bit, yes. But now I would like to settle down permanently in England. As the saying goes, there's no place like home. But I have enjoyed every assignment!"

"I see that... Do you speak foreign languages?"

Sebastian nodded.

"Of course. I have language certifications in French, German, Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Japanese, Chinese, Ukrainian, Russian and Korean. Currently, I'm trying to learn Afrikaans and Italian."

"Impressive. One would find it hard to believe that a man as young as you have managed to do all this."

The young man shrugged.

"I started learning foreign languages when I was six years old. My assignments were rather short contracts, but they were rewarding experiences."

Gareth nodded, transfixed. His visitor for the day was a remarkable young man.

"I can see why the Prime Minister refers to you as an expert in geopolitics. Something tells me that we are going to work well together."

"I sincerely hope so, Mr Mallory. It is an honour to be able to work here."

Suddenly, the office door opened, and a familiar face appeared - much to Gareth's dismay.

"007 reporting for duty, sir... Oh, am I interrupting?"

"As you can see, Bond: yes, you are. And stop this bad habit of coming in without knocking! It's a nuisance!" snarled Mallory.

"I told him not to!" informed Eve as she came into the room.

"At least you tried, Miss Moneypenny."

Bond turned his head towards Sebastian and asked:

"And may I know the name of your guest?"

"My name is Sebastian Armistead, and I will be working here as a geopolitical expert."

"Ah, so you are our diplomatic expert."

"That's right, Mr..."

"Bond, James Bond. Since you're the best person to talk about diplomacy, should I call you D?"

"Don't bother with the alphabet, Mr Bond: call me Armistead!"

At the same time, Tanner and Q entered.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but our quartermaster was coming to report on the latest creations found by his team..."

Q met Armistead's gaze and exclaimed happily:

"Sebastian?"

"Quentin?! I didn't know you worked here!" replied the latter as he went to greet Q.

Gareth was surprised when he saw this: how did his quartermaster know Sebastian?

He cleared his throat and asked:

"Q, may I ask how you know Mr Armistead?"

A little confused, Q readjusted his glasses and replied:

"I apologise for this spontaneous joy, sir. But Sebastian is a friend of mine, and it has been a long time since we last saw each other."

"What a touching reunion!" quipped James, who felt like teasing Q.

"Honestly, Bond: do you have to be so annoying?" sighed Tanner.

Eve asked Gareth:

"If I understand correctly, young Mr Armistead is one of us now?"

"You are right, Miss Moneypenny: Mr Armistead here will join MI6 as a geopolitical expert. In other words, he will keep us informed of the various diplomatic developments that may affect the progress of the missions."

"Welcome to MI6, Mr Armistead," Tanner said as he shook Sebastian's hand.

"It is an honour being able to work with all of you. I'm sure we'll do well together."

Mallory slightly smiled as Sebastian got to know the other MI6 staff. He, too, was eager to start working with this charming young man...

🔵🔵🔵🔵🔵

Sebastian Armistead had been with MI6 for several months now. The integration went smoothly, with the young man proved to be an asset to Her Majesty's secret service.

The MI6 staff appreciated his professionalism and courtesy.

As for Q, he was happy to welcome his best friend regularly to his laboratory and was not afraid to show him his new creations with pride.

Sebastian had also made friends with Eve, James and Bill, with whom he enjoyed an evening drink after work.

However, there was one person who really liked the young man. And it was Gareth Mallory.

The MI6 boss could not explain it, but he had been looking forward to their daily meetings to debrief on the international situation.

He would spend hours listening to Sebastian talk about geopolitics. Sebastian knew how to make even the dullest aspects of diplomacy interesting.

And the way he moved his hands when he spoke was almost hypnotic.

Gareth thought that young Mr Armistead had beautiful, elegant hands, like those of a pianist.

And that look, soft and playful at the same time, made Mallory's heart beat faster and faster.

Gareth felt that his appreciation of Sebastian went beyond the professional... But to what extent?

Deciding to stretch his legs, he left his office and strolled down the corridors, greeting a few people as he went.

During his improvised walk, he arrived in front of Q's laboratory, where he saw the Quartermaster chatting with James, Eve, Bill, and Sebastian. The quartet was paying attention to what Q was telling them.

He entered the room and asked:

"Well, dear Quartermaster, what on earth are you doing?"

"I was explaining the functionality of the 00 agents' new work tools... and of course, I was explaining to Agent 007 for the umpteenth time that he is supposed to bring back his stuff in ONE piece!"

"But I thought you were a puzzle lover, Q!"

"I don't play jigsaw puzzles at taxpayers' expense, you idiot!"

"Calm down, Q: there's no need to strain your nerves over so little!" said Bill, patting him gently on the shoulder.

Gareth turned to Sebastian and asked:

"And you, Mr Armistead: may I ask why you are here?"

"Well, I was coming to see Q's latest creations, and he has done an impressive job! But, don't worry: I know we have to meet in fifteen minutes for a debriefing!"

The thought of a one-to-one - professional, of course - with Sebastian made Gareth blush slightly.

"I... I never questioned your professionalism, Armistead."

Seeing their boss so embarrassed intrigued James, Eve, Bill and Q, who watched the scene curiously.

"Is it me, or is M blushing?" muttered Bill.

"Looks like he's blushing, Tanner. And not just a little!" sneered James.

"I'll have you know, gentlemen, this is not the first time this has happened. Whenever Sebastian comes to see him, he's all happy. I assure you he looks at him like Q looks at his Earl Grey!" smiled Eve.

"Thanks for the comparison, Eve!" sighed Q.

But what was certain was that their boss was not the same when Sebastian was around. And that promised to be interesting...

🟠🟠🟠🟠🟠

Enjoying lunch together outside the office, James, Q, Tanner and Moneypenny were having a quiet chat when the spy decided to talk about something unexpected.

"Ladies and gentlemen, there can be no doubt about it: Gareth Mallory is in love with Sebastian Armistead!" said James.

"Are you sure about this, Bond?" asked Bill.

"I agree with James: it's obvious that our boss has a crush on Seb. You can see how he can't wait to see him for the daily debriefing," added Eve.

"And I thought Mallory was a cold heart... Maybe I misjudged the character!" admitted Q with a shrug.

"Anyway, it's very amusing to see the all-powerful boss of MI6 as shy as a schoolboy in love!" smiled Bond.

"Don't bother him about it, 007: he might take it the wrong way, and he'll make your life hell!" warned Bill.

"Oh, I'm used to it!"

The spy turned to Q:

"Tell me, Quentin, has Sebastian talked to you about M outside of work?"

"From time to time: he thinks our boss is a good and reliable man. But that's it!"

The quartet wondered what to do in this situation: after all, MI6 was suspicious of romantic relationships between staff members. Besides, if the Secretary of State for Defense learned that the head of the British Secret Service was having an affair with one of his staff, there would be terrible consequences!

But then again, everyone takes risks for love...

"I wonder when Mallory will have the courage to confess everything to Sebastian."

"Maybe we can give him a hand..." offered Q.

"He'd have to admit to being in love first before he would do anything!" remarked Eve.

"Oh, I'm sure with a little convincing, we can help our dear M make up his mind..." smiled Bond.

The four friends put a plan to help Gareth Mallory win Sebastian Armistead's heart. But it was going to be a bumpy ride...

🟣🟣🟣🟣🟣

A few days later.

Sitting at her desk, Eve was finishing a report when the door to Mallory's office opened, letting Gareth and Sebastian through.

"Thank you for taking the time to come and see me: I agree that the situation in India seems complicated, and I'm glad to have an explanation!"

"But I was doing my job, Sir. And it's a pleasure to talk to you!"

"The pleasure is mutual!" replied Gareth as he tried to contain his emotion.

Glancing at the clock, the young man declared:

"I must go. Until tomorrow, sir."

He turned on his heels, waved to Eve and left the room.

"See you tomorrow," Mallory murmured, slightly smiling.

The MI6 boss watched his colleague leave, a dreamy look in his eyes. He was looking forward to seeing Sebastian again in the morning...

He met the eyes of his secretary, who was staring at him with a mischievous smile.

"Is something wrong, Miss Moneypenny?"

"No, nothing's wrong, Sir. I was just wondering when you were going to dare..."

"Dare to what?" asked the MI6 boss.

"Well, invite Sebastian Armistead to lunch. That's what I'd do to seduce the person I like!"

"Miss Moneypenny, you have a very fertile imagination! Either you should slow down on watching romantic films, or you should be less involved with Bond and his twisted ideas!"

"With all due respect, Sir, I know a man in love when I see one. And believe me, since the lovely Mr Armistead has been working with us, you've been multiplying all the signs of love at first sight!"

Gareth rolled his eyes: the downside of having a secretary as observant as Eve Moneypenny was that she read him like an open book!

"I'll tell you for good and all, Miss Moneypenny: I have no romantic feelings towards Mr Armistead!"

Eve raised her hands in surrender.

"Very well, if you insist. But something tells me I'm right."

Gareth rolled his eyes before returning to his office, closing the door behind him. He sat back in his chair and massaged his temples, wondering why his secretary was meddling in his business. The MI6 boss didn't know it yet, but Moneypenny wasn't the only one watching the turmoil that had gripped him...

🟢🟢🟢🟢🟢

The next day.

Gareth was walking through the corridors when he saw Sebastian talking to Bill.

He walked towards them and overheard their conversation:

"I advise you to visit the royal palaces of Portugal on your next holiday, Bill. They are magnificent buildings!"

"I'd think about it. Thanks for the advice!"

"You're welcome!"

"Talking about a holiday already?" asked Mallory, amused.

"Well... Sebastian was giving me a couple of ideas for visiting during my holiday. Since he's already been to Portugal, he's in the best position to talk about it!"

"That makes sense... And you, Mr Armistead? Do you have any holiday plans?"

"No, not yet. I will do so when the time comes. And you, Sir?"

"As boss of MI6, I don't take many holidays, I'm afraid."

"I'll have to find you a bespoke destination," Sebastian smiled.

"Tell me, Mr Armistead, have you missed your calling as a travel agent?" joked Mallory.

The young man laughed.

"That's what Neil, my big brother, loves to tell me! Although, he was glad he took my advice for his honeymoon!"

He looked at his watch:

"On that note, gentlemen, I'll get back to work. By the way, what time would you like to see me for the debriefing?"

"Maybe early afternoon... How's 2 pm sound?"

"Great! See you then! See you later, Bill!"

"See you later!"

Once Sebastian had left, Bill watched Gareth, who seemed lost in thought. He wondered how his boss could deny the obvious.

Clearing his throat, he declared:

"You should tell him..."

Pulled from his reverie, Mallory turned to his assistant and asked:

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your feelings for Sebastian Armistead, sir!"

"I'm dreaming! You're not going to start! I don't know what Moneypenny has told you..."

Bill interrupted him.

"Miss Moneypenny didn't have to tell me anything. It's hard not to notice your reactions whenever you're around Sebastian."

"Don't get the wrong idea, Tanner: I like Mr Armistead, but this is purely professional!"

"Very well, remain in denial if you wish. But I insist: you like Sebastian a lot! And you should try your luck with him: you never know!"

Grumbling, Mallory returned to his office: first Moneypenny, and now Tanner! If these two noticed his crush, who else?

🟠🟠🟠🟠🟠

Two days later.

On the way to Sebastian's office, Gareth heard laughter behind the door. Intrigued, he knocked on the door:

"Mr Armistead? May I come in?"

"Come in!"

The MI6 boss opened the door and saw Q sitting opposite Sebastian. The engineer had a cup of tea while the geopolitical expert was finishing signing a document.

"I'm surprised to find you here, Q. You don't usually leave your lab much."

"That's just it, I wanted a change of scenery for my break, and I thought Sebastian wouldn't mind a little company."

"The presence of a friend is always appreciated," Sebastian smiled.

"I agree."

The young man stood up from his desk.

"I'm going away for a few minutes. I'll be right back!"

Once Sebastian had left, Q turned to his boss and asked with a smile on his face:

"Would you have preferred to see him alone?"

"I beg your pardon, Q?"

"Don't be surprised by my question: I know you expected to find him alone. Admit it: you would have liked a one-to-one with him. And I don't mean a professional one-on-one..."

At these words, Gareth felt annoyance rise in him.

"I can't believe it! You too?!"

"Don't be offended: I saw how you look at Sebastian! And honestly, I can tell you're attracted to him!"

"But what makes you think I'm in love with Sebastian?"

"The list is very long, but to sum it up: your body language constantly gives you away whenever Sebastian is around you!"

"Q, I'm telling you for the last time: I am not in love with Sebastian Armistead! And stop imagining such ridiculous things!"

"What's ridiculous?" asked Sebastian, who returned.

Gareth and Q exchanged a glance before the engineer replied:

"We were saying how ridiculous it was to spend so much money fixing 007's nonsense! The man would be able to empty the funds of a state all by himself!"

"Oddly enough, I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe playing a joke on Bond would put some sense into his head!"

"I've already thought about it, and the more it goes on, the more tempted I am to do it!"

"Just imagining what your brain can produce as an idea terrifies me, Q," quipped M.

The Quartermaster merely gave him a brief scowl before turning to Sebastian.

"On that note, I'll leave you to your work: it's time for me to return to my job!"

"I'll walk you out, Q. And then I'll come to see you for our usual debriefing, Mister Armistead!"

"Very well, Sir. Bye, Quentin!"

Mallory and Q left the room and closed the door behind them. On the way to the Q department, the MI6 boss warned the engineer:

"I don't want to hear any more about this story, is that clear?"

"As you wish. But you won't be able to run away from the truth for long: it'll come back to hit you in the face!"

The Quartermaster turned and walked off to his laboratory, leaving Gareth with a disgruntled expression. It seemed that his team had decided to meddle in his private life. And that was not a good sign...

⚪⚪⚪⚪⚪

A few hours later.

After completing the last document he would hand in to the Prime Minister, Gareth decided to take a break.

He went for a walk in the corridors when he heard voices coming from one of the restrooms.

Curious, the MI6 boss walked towards the origin of the noise and saw James talking to Sebastian. The two men were chatting happily, which slightly annoyed Gareth.

Since when were Bond and Sebastian so close?

Meanwhile, the spy and the young man were talking:

"So you have a reputation as the Don Juan of MI6?"

"The people at MI6 exaggerate: I'm just a Don Juan on my missions."

"Still, I wouldn't be surprised if you were labelled that!" smiled Sebastian.

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Well, for one thing, you've got a good build and body: muscular where it counts. You also have intense light blue eyes: I can see why you're hard to resist. And then you have a seductive voice, which you use very well to make your interlocutors succumb to your charm!"

Bond smiled amusedly.

"That's an interesting analysis. But I think you would be a good seducer, Sebastian."

"You do? And why?"

"Well, for one thing, your elegant appearance attracts the eye easily. Secondly, you have a face that inspires confidence: as you are a friendly person, it shows on your face and naturally brings people to you. Thirdly, you have a gentle look with a hint of mischief, which is puzzling because it indicates that you are not as well-behaved as you seem!"

"Are you saying that I am a bad boy?"

"I wouldn't go that far. Finally, one of your assets is the art of conversation: you know how to captivate your audience, and that's crucial! In my opinion, you would make a formidable agent! You could seduce any woman..."

The young man smiled mischievously.

"That's flattering, but women aren't my primary target if you know what I mean!"

"In that case... That would make you a doubly dangerous agent!"

James and Sebastian laughed until Gareth's voice interrupted them:

"Am I not interrupting?"

The two men turned and saw the MI6 boss standing in the doorway.

The scowl on his face amused Bond.

"We were just having a chat, sir."

"Instead of distracting Mr Armistead with your bad influence, you should let him get back to his work!" retorted M.

Sebastian stood up and declared:

"That's all right, sir. I was going anyway!"

He turned to James:

"See you later? At the usual pub?"

"No problem. See you later!"

Armistead saluted his boss before leaving the room.

Gareth turned to Bond, who showed a smug smile, the kind of smile the MI6 boss hated.

"What amuses you, 007?"

"I didn't know you had a jealous nature, sir."

"What are you talking about?"

James pretended to be offended.

"Now I'm vexed: you forgot my observational skills. How else could I have noticed your crush on Sebastian Armistead?"

"Aren't you going to get into it too?! After Moneypenny, Q, and Tanner, you have to come up with this stupid idea too!" snapped Gareth.

"At the same time, I was the one who first noticed your attraction to Sebastian. And I'm proud of it: you just proved me right!"

Mallory held back from gutting Bond.

"Strangely enough, I'm not surprised you'd have such an idea!"

"I'm not judging you, Sir. If it makes you feel any better, I think you and Sebastian will be fine together!"

Gareth met his agent's eyes and saw that he was serious. In a calm voice, he asked:

"Do you think so?"

"Yes, and I'm not the only one. Eve, Bill, and Q agree. So, if it makes you feel any better, you have our full support."

The MI6 boss sighed:

"What annoys me is admitting that you're right. But that's not the problem."

"What is, then?"

"The trouble is, I'm not sure the Prime Minister will appreciate learning that the head of MI6 is sleeping with one of his staff. Besides, Sebastian may not want to go out with an old man!"

"There's only one way to get to the bottom of it: talk to him. At worst, you will be disappointed, but at least you won't have to regret not trying. And at best, you will have a good relationship. But it's your decision alone!"

Gareth thought for a few moments before answering:

"I can always try..."

"In that case, take this advice: ask him to lunch!"

"Huh?"

"I assure you: chatting with you informally will work in your favour. I'll leave the choice of restaurant to you."

James walked away, leaving Gareth alone.

"By the way, Sir..."

"What now, Bond?"

James gave his famous mocking grin.

"If you go out with Sebastian, I'll thank him for putting up with you!"

"Shut up, Bond, or I'll send you on a mission to Alaska!"

As 007 walked away laughing, Mallory thought that they had a point. After all, it was worth a try.

He just prayed his hope wouldn't meet a refusal from Sebastian, or his heart probably wouldn't recover.

🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡

Three days later.

Gareth thought he had done well to take James Bond's advice. Not only had Sebastian accepted his invitation to lunch, but he was also having a good time with him.

"So, you were a member of the SAS? Impressive!"

"Indeed, I was for about ten years until the IRA captured me and tortured me for three months. After that, I was honourably discharged and entered the administration."

Mallory smiled.

"But it doesn't mean I've lost my touch."

"I believe you: you don't forget what you learn so easily. And I guess military education sticks in the memory."

"That's right."

The young man smiled amusedly.

"That's funny..."

"What is?"

"I've been working with you for several months now, and this is the first time I've had a casual conversation with you. Maybe because we're not in your office!"

"What image did you have of me when you first arrived?"

At these words, Sebastian felt a little embarrassed. Gareth tried to reassure him:

"You can speak to me frankly, Armistead. I won't hold it against you..."

"Sebastian..."

"Excuse me?"

The young man shrugged his shoulders slightly.

"As long as we've been working together, you can call me by my first name."

At that moment, Gareth realised that he had taken the first step. If Sebastian accepted this familiarity, it was a good sign.

"Alright, Sebastian... Why don't you tell me what you think of me?"

Sebastian hesitated for a few seconds before answering:

"Well, when we first met, I thought you were a cold and unkind boss. It's true: you told me off for thinking I was Bond!"

"But I immediately apologised when I realised my mistake!" objected Gareth.

"You're right. Once we cleared the misunderstanding, I discovered a man who was serious, hard-working and loyal to the institutions. Afterwards, I saw that, underneath the authoritarian appearance of the boss of MI6, I understood that Gareth Mallory was a sincere, kind, and cultured person. And you have a good relationship with your staff, even if you dream of strangling Bond!"

This remark made Mallory laugh.

"You have a point!"

He calmed himself before adding:

"What reassures me is that you don't see me as a bully, and that's a good thing. I prefer to work in a climate of trust with my close associates!"

"I understand you..."

The young man asked:

"And you, what did you think of me? Did you imagine me as a pretentious young bureaucrat?"

"Far be it from me to think of that! It's true that at the very beginning, I was suspicious because I knew that whenever ministers appoint a new collaborator within MI6, it is never innocent. And when that newcomer is a young man to boot, it adds to the distrust."

Mallory shrugged.

"But during our interview, I realised that I was dealing with a young man unlike any other: unlike young people your age, you are poised, self-confident, cultured and competent. And the more I watched you develop within MI6, the more I realised that you were also an honest, friendly and funny person. That kind of personality is not very common in this business, yet it is appreciated. So, honestly, I'm glad to have you with us!"

Gareth thought he saw a slight blush tint Sebastian's cheeks.

"I'm flattered that you think that about me. But I'm just doing my job."

"And you do it very well, do not doubt that!"

Lunch passed until Sebastian stood up:

"I have to go. I have a report to give to the Prime Minister."

He smiled:

"It has been a pleasure to have shared this lunch with you, Sir..."

"Gareth."

"I beg your pardon?"

The MI6 boss grinned:

"Since you allow me to use your first name, I thought you could also call me by my first name... only if you agree!"

The surprised expression on Sebastian's face worried Gareth: had he gone too fast? Would Sebastian take it the wrong way?

Fortunately, a slight smile appeared on the young man's face.

"It's up to you... Gareth! On that note, I have to go! See you tomorrow!"

"See you tomorrow, Sebastian!"

Sebastian walked away, leaving Gareth with a dreamy smile on his face.

When he returned to his office, Eve saw that her boss looked radiant. She asked him:

"How did the lunch go, sir?"

"Perfect. I couldn't have wished for anything better!"

"I'm so pleased. And does young Mr Armistead seem open to a relationship?"

The MI6 boss shrugged:

"I don't know yet. What I do know is that Sebastian is a good person!"

"Sebastian? I didn't know you two had become close..."

"He allowed me to call him by his first name, and I told him he could do the same with me if he agreed."

"Good point: you allow him to be familiar with you while letting him know that you will respect his choice. Keep it up: you will score points!"

"I appreciate your support, Miss Moneypenny!"

The secretary smiled slightly.

"What do you expect: my heavy consumption of romantic comedies has made me a hopeless romantic! And when I see a love story with great potential, I feel obliged to give a boost!"

Mallory smiled, amused by Eve's remark. But what he didn't know was that Tanner, Q and James had also decided to help him. And their contribution was going to make sparks fly!

⚫⚫⚫⚫⚫

Two weeks later.

"Q, could you explain what this document is?" asked Mallory, holding a sheet of paper in his hand.

In a calm tone, the engineer adjusted his glasses and answered:

"Read it, and you will understand why I prepared this document!"

Intrigued, Gareth read the paper carefully:

"Let's see it:

- Favourite colour: royal blue.

- Favourite food: Italian and French cuisine.

- Favourite drinks: tea, soda, and champagne.

- Hobbies: reading, boxing, dancing, and going to the movies.

- Favourite music: rock, jazz, pop and film music.

- Favourite movies: spy, adventure, and musical.

Wait a minute, that's a list of favourite things. And how exactly is this going to help me?"

"On this paper, you'll find all of Sebastian Armistead's favourite things," Q replied as he typed away on his computer.

"You can trust our dear Quartermaster. After all, he and Sebastian are good friends," remarked Tanner.

"And that will score you points with him!" sneered Bond.

"I'll do without your comments, Bond!"

"Don't get upset: you know James loves to tease you," Eve reassured him.

The secretary glanced at the sheet over Gareth's shoulder:

"To say the least, Q has done a good job writing down all this information! My compliments, Quentin!"

"Thank you very much, Miss Moneypenny!"

Gareth massaged the back of his neck as he looked at the sheet: he'd better learn all this inside out if he was going to win Sebastian over!

James looked at the sheet in turn and said:

"I think you forgot something, Q."

"Oh, did I? What is it?" asked the engineer.

James smiled mischievously:

"The essential thing: what kind of man Sebastian likes! And he has to like men!"

"Oh, don't worry: he likes men!" certified Q.

"How do you know? Did you date him?" asked Tanner.

"Don't be silly, Bill! If I had, I would have mentioned it! On a serious note, Sebastian is like a brother to me, and I want him to be happy!"

He turned to Mallory:

"SO! I'd rather tell you that if you break his heart, I'll ruin your life, even if you are my boss!"

"If I were you, M, I'd take Quentin's threats seriously!" added Moneypenny.

"I assure you, Miss Moneypenny, I would not risk the wrath of our dear Q. Well, how do we know what Sebastian is looking for in a lover?"

The secretary raised her hand.

"Leave that to me, and I'll bring you a full report on the ideal man according to Sebastian Armistead!"

She left the room as the four men looked on in amazement.

"That woman will always amaze me!" said Mallory.

"I trust her to be good at finding reliable information," said Bill.

And they got confirmation when Eve returned to the room an hour later.

"Gentlemen, I've got something big, and it will help us a lot!"

"Let's hear it, Moneypenny!"

"So, after my little chat with Sebastian, I know he's looking:

- A man who can cook

- Who takes care of his appearance

- Who has a sense of humour

- Who is respectful

- Who is faithful

- Who loves him sincerely

- Who knows how to surprise him

- And finally, who is willing to have a long term relationship.

These are the main criteria!"

"Unless I'm mistaken, I think our boss ticks all the boxes," chuckled James.

"Leave me alone, 007, instead of making fun of me!"

"We'll never change him," Tanner quipped.

The MI6 boss sighed:

"There's still one thing that bothers me: it is the age gap. Would Sebastian be willing to date someone older than him?"

"I don't think that would be an obstacle. Besides, between you and me, you're much better looking than men your age!" assured Q.

"I appreciate your frankness, Q."

"You're welcome... Can I ask for a raise next month?" the Quartermaster asked mischievously, making his friends chuckle.

"Don't exaggerate, Q!"

"At least I would have tried. Anyway! You have until your next lunch with Sebastian to remember all the information you've got. Do you think you'll pass this challenge?"

"I'm up for the challenge!"

"Considering the reward at stake, no wonder he's going to go all out to win Sebastian over," James muttered to Tanner.

"But when you're in love at first sight, you'll do anything. Don't you agree, James?"

"Of course I do. The only thing is whether our esteemed boss will achieve his goal. But in my opinion, he's well on his way to succeeding!"

And Bond couldn't have been more right...

🟤🟤🟤🟤🟤

One month later.

Gareth and Sebastian were happily chatting in an elegant London restaurant.

"I didn't know you like reading too!"

"What do you want: my reading is not only restricted to official reports! When I want to relax, I like to read novels!"

"What is your favourite kind of novel?"

Mallory smiled amusedly.

"You won't believe this, but I have a weakness for John Le Carré novels!"

At these words, Sebastian burst out laughing.

"Is this a joke?!"

"It's the absolute truth: besides, as he's a former MI6 agent, his stories have an exciting background of truth!"

"Wait, you like novels that remind you of work? You are a strange man, Gareth Mallory!"

"You have no idea..."

The young man smiled:

"As for me, if I don't have a book to read, I like to watch a movie!"

"Oh yeah? And what films do you watch?"

Sebastian thinks before answering:

"It's hard to say... But if I had to choose one kind of film, you might be surprised!"

"I'm listening!"

Sebastian bit his lip slightly, which amused Gareth. He looked like a little boy about to confess something stupid.

"Well, my guilty pleasure is watching musical films!"

"You do? I didn't expect that!"

"We all have our little secrets. Besides, I like music!"

The MI6 boss nodded, sensing that an idea was beginning to form in his mind.

He declared:

"I hear there is a show about musicals coming up at the Royal Theatre."

"That's right. I would love to go..."

Gareth hesitated for a few seconds before offering:

"If you want to... I can go with you!"

Sebastian turned around, surprised:

"Really? You know you don't have to if it's not your cup of tea..."

"It's my pleasure. Besides, it's better to share it with someone, isn't it?"

But at that moment, Mallory wondered if he was doing something wrong: what if Sebastian took it the wrong way? It would be a matter of not rushing things!

Sebastian's smile made him understand that his idea was far from bad:

"It's nice of you to offer me this. So when do you want to go?"

"I thought we could go next Friday. Would the nine o'clock session suit you?"

"Perfect! Let's schedule it!"

As the two men agreed, they were unaware that four people were watching them from afar and that they were going too to the Royal Theatre on Friday night...

🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭

Friday night, at the Royal Theatre in London.

Sitting on a balcony overlooking the auditorium, Gareth looked at his watch nervously: the show was starting in 15 minutes, and Sebastian wasn't there.

The MI6 boss could feel himself getting stressed, and he hated it.

He hoped tonight would allow him to take one more step toward Sebastian's heart.

Suddenly he heard footsteps behind him, and the young man came in:

"Sorry, but I had trouble finding a place to park!"

When Gareth saw Sebastian, he was stunned: the young Mr Armistead was dressed in an elegant dinner jacket and had a lion's head brooch on his lapel.

"You look very elegant tonight: one might think you were a prince!"

"Thank you. You look smart, too: that navy blue suit suits you perfectly!"

Sebastian sat down next to Gareth.

"I can't wait for it to start. You'll see: it's going to be a great show!"

"I do not doubt that," Gareth murmured, troubled to be so close to the man who made his heart beat faster.

Unbeknownst to the British intelligence boss, he wasn't the only MI6 member in the theatre. Indeed, two balconies away, James, Eve, Bill and Q watched the two men intently.

"Hopefully, our dear M will finally find the courage to declare his love for Sebastian," smiled James.

"Bond, the show is on stage, not on your right," Tanner reminded him.

"Let's leave them alone for the duration of the show. We'll deal with M and Sebastian on the way out!" replied Eve.

"I think it's starting!" said Quentin.

Indeed, the curtain rose, and the actors-singers appeared on stage under applause.

The actors reinterpreted the greatest songs from musicals such as Mamma Mia!, Chicago, Singin' in the Rain, West Side Story, Romeo & Juliet, and many other well-known titles for almost two and a half hours.

Then, the finale put Moulin Rouge! in the spotlight.

Throughout the show, Gareth couldn't help but cast discreet glances at Sebastian, who watched the show with amazement in his eyes. Seeing the young man so happy made Gareth fall in love with Sebastian again.

But the moment he saw the most intense emotion in Sebastian was when the troupe performed Come what may. Gareth sensed that the young man felt moved by the performance of the two actors who played the roles of Christian and Satine. He was not unmoved by the song's message: if only he could have the courage to tell Sebastian how he felt!

When the show was over, the audience gave a triumphant standing ovation to the troupe, who took their bows.

Then the audience left the theatre, as did Gareth and Sebastian, followed at a distance by Bond, Moneypenny, Tanner, and Q.

The MI6 boss had offered his young colleague a lift to his car, which the latter accepted.

On the way, the two men chatted:

"It was wonderful! The actors gave great performances! And you, Gareth: what did you think?"

"Honestly, I liked it. I'm not usually a fan of musicals, but I might reconsider that..."

"In that case, I'll have to make you a list of must-see musicals!"

"I trust you: you'll make good choices!"

Sebastian smiled before asking:

"You don't like musicals?"

"It's not my cup of tea, but there's one film I like best."

"Oh yeah, which one?"

"Singing in the Rain!"

"I see: Mr Mallory likes the classics!"

As if to prove his point, Gareth began to hum:

I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain

What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again

I'm laughing at clouds so dark up above

The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love

Let the stormy clouds chase everyone from the place!

Come on with the rain, I've a smile on my face!

Sebastian was impressed:

"I didn't know you could sing well!"

"I'm a man full of surprises!" confirmed Mallory with an amused smile.

He asked:

"What about you? Of all the musicals you know, which one is your favourite?"

"Oh, well... I would have to say Moulin Rouge!"

"I thought so!"

"What do you expect: I'm a bit of a romantic! The way they talk about love in this story is just beautiful!"

When they were only a few meters from the car, Sebastian hummed:

My gift is my song

And this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind

That I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world!

Gareth was amused by this little improvisation and smiled: the young man has a beautiful voice. However, he noticed that Sebastian had moved closer to him, leaving only a few centimetres between their faces.

The MI6 boss felt his cheeks turn red, although he tried to hide his confusion.

"What are you doing?"

"I wanted to thank you for coming with me tonight. I enjoyed spending this time with you!"

"My pleasure," Mallory murmured.

Then, without warning, Sebastian placed a kiss on Gareth's cheek, brushing the corner of his mouth.

This gesture left the MI6 boss in shock: a little more, and he had the right to a kiss on the mouth!

As for Sebastian, Gareth's lack of reaction was like a punch in the face: what did he think? That Gareth Mallory would fall in love with him? What a ridiculous idea!

Stepping back, the young man stammered:

"I... I'm sorry: I don't know what possessed me to do such a thing! It was wrong of me. I hope you don't mind!"

He got into his car and whispered:

"Good evening, sir."

It woke Gareth, who tried to stop Sebastian:

"Sebastian, wait!"

But the young man started the car and drove off into the night, leaving Mallory alone, bitterly regretting that he had not been able to tell him that he had enjoyed the kiss and that he felt something. But unfortunately, he had reacted too late, and he had no idea how to fix it.

A little further away, Q, Eve, James and Bill were watching the scene with a look of dismay.

"I take it he missed the opportunity?" asked Quentin.

"He did miss the opportunity. And I'm not sure it will fix things between them," Bond sighed, massaging his neck.

"To think they were this close to telling each other everything: it's getting frustrating!" grumbled Tanner.

"I feel that returning to the office will be awkward for them," Moneypenny declared.

For the quartet, the potential love story was gone. Unless there was a miracle...

❓❓❓❓❓

Three days later.

Gareth was in a sullen mood: he was angry at himself for being so unresponsive after Sebastian kissed him.

And if that wasn't enough, Sebastian regularly avoided running into him and put distance between them, calling him "Sir" again.

This situation was difficult for Mallory to accept, but at the same time, he knew that he was the one responsible.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't hear the door to his office until his secretary's voice pulled him out of his thoughts:

"Sir?"

The MI6 boss looked up and saw Eve, James, Q and Tanner standing in the doorway, a worried look on their faces.

"May I ask what you are all doing here?"

"We were coming to discuss a crisis, sir."

On hearing this, Gareth straightened in his seat: a crisis? That's all it took!

Sighing, he invited the four people to come in and sit down.

"I'm listening: tell me more about this crisis. Is it national or international?"

The quartet looked at each other before Eve answered:

"The crisis is not political or security-related, sir..."

"Then what is it about?" asked Mallory.

"The crisis is you," James replied flatly.

"Excuse me?"

"Bond, try being diplomatic for once," sighed Tanner, facepalming.

Quentin tried to catch up with the situation:

"What 007 means is that we're here because of you. We sense that there's something wrong between you and Sebastian, and we'd like to know what's going on."

Gareth sighed before answering:

"He kissed me, and I, like a fool, didn't react to it. Now he thinks that I don't like him."

He smiled, disillusioned:

"I guess human relationships are not my strong point, and even less so love relationships."

"Don't let it get you down! All you have to do is go to Sebastian and confess everything," Tanner told him.

"How do I do that? I've already screwed up, and I won't screw up again!"

Q leaned toward him and said:

"If it makes you feel any better, I had a chat with Sebastian this morning. And I can tell you that he still loves you, but he figures that you don't have reciprocal feelings for him and that your relationship will remain professional."

Hearing this, Mallory felt an ounce of hope rise in him:

"You think all is not lost?"

"We're all sure. After that, it's up to you to make the first move and tell Sebastian how you feel about him," replied Eve.

"If you think hard enough, you'll find the right words to convince him," James added.

Gareth thought for a moment when an idea popped into his mind.

"I think I know what to do... and I hope this time it works!"

🌓🌓🌓🌓🌓

The same evening.

In his flat, Sebastian was relaxing after a busy day at work. He appreciated this moment of peacefulness where he could calm his mind... except when it amused him by bringing up the image of Gareth.

The young man ran a hand over his face: he was still wondering why he had dared to kiss his boss. What a stupid idea! As if Gareth Mallory would fall in love with him...

Suddenly he heard a knock on the door. Intrigued, he stood up and said:

"Coming."

When he opened the door, Sebastian thought he would fall over!

"Sir?"

"Good evening, Sebastian," replied Gareth.

The young man couldn't believe it.

"What are you doing here?" he stammered.

"I wanted to have a quiet conversation with you. May I come in?"

"Yes, of course," Sebastian replied and invited Mallory in.

Mallory entered the flat and found it to be simply but elegantly decorated.

Trying to calm his nervousness, Sebastian asked:

"Can I offer you something to drink?"

"If you have whiskey, I wouldn't mind," replied the MI6 boss as he sat on the sofa.

The young man fetched a bottle of whisky and served two glasses.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" asked Sebastian, handing Gareth a glass.

Gareth took a sip before answering:

"I wanted to talk to you about what happened three days ago."

At these words, the young geopolitical expert froze with worry. What he had feared was happening: his boss had come to call him to account for his stupidity!

He let out a long sigh before answering:

"I knew you would tell me sooner or later. As I told you, it was my mistake, and I am sorry. I don't know what else I can do to prove my good faith."

Gareth interrupted him with a wave of his hand.

"I didn't come here for an apology, Sebastian. I know you're sorry, and I accept that..."

He smiled awkwardly:

"To tell you the truth, you're not the real culprit in this story. Because the one who screwed up that night was me!"

"What do you mean?"

The MI6 boss hesitated for a moment before explaining:

"When you kissed me that night, I did not react because I didn't like it... but because I didn't expect it. And to tell you the truth, I've been dreaming of this moment for several weeks!"

"What do you mean?" asked Sebastian, puzzled.

"I'm trying to tell you that I love you too!"

"WHAT?" cried Sebastian, nearly falling off the couch.

But thankfully, Gareth caught him by the hand and pulled him back to him, bringing their faces within inches of each other.

The young man swallowed before asking:

"Since when?"

"Not long after you joined MI6, but it took me a good while to admit it. I didn't dare tell you because I thought you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man older than you. Your kiss proved me wrong, but I didn't take the chance to tell you. And I don't want to regret not saying it to your face."

Gareth caught his breath before asking:

"Now that I've told you, would you be willing to give us a chance?"

The broad smile that lit up Sebastian's face was enough to know the answer.

"Since I've been waiting for this, I have only one thing to say: I want you all to myself, without thinking!"

It relieved the MI6 boss, who asked mischievously:

"My other question is: can I kiss you?"

The young man brushed his lips against Gareth's in a whisper:

"What are you waiting for? Go ahead!"

That was all it took for their lips to seal in a passionate kiss. It seemed to last forever until they were out of breath.

They parted but left each other forehead to forehead, smiles blossoming on their faces.

Mallory moved closer to the young man and whispered in his ear:

Seasons may change,

Winter to spring.

But I'll love you

Until the end of time.

"You're amazing!" joked Armistead.

"And I'm not done surprising you!" replied Gareth, coming to kiss Sebastian again.

The two men had the best night of their lives because it was the beginning of a beautiful story...

💖💖💖💖💖

Three months later.

"In my long career, I have seen some stubborn and narrow-minded men, but you, James Bond, are the worst!"

Agent 007's amused grin increasingly annoyed Gareth, who held back from punching him in the face.

As for Tanner, who was taking notes, he wondered why Bond was taking such pleasure in annoying M.

"And wipe that stupid smile off your face, Bond! It's nothing to be proud of!"

"Yet I completed the mission, as you asked!" the spy justified himself.

"True, but still, I'm not sure blowing up half the Indian presidential palace was a good idea!"

"And the damage is quite extensive, both in material and financial terms!" added Bill.

"I am not responsible for that, sir. Besides, it provided a distraction for the enemy while I was quietly returning home!"

"You are horrid!"

"I guess it's second nature to me!"

Tanner facepalmed while Mallory fulminated more and more.

"Anything to add?"

"No, sir."

"Good, I've seen enough of you for one day! You may go!" retorted Gareth, pointing to the door.

"Right, sir," Bond replied as he headed for the exit.

Bill asked:

"Do you still need my help, sir?"

"No thanks, Tanner: you can go too!"

The two men left the office, leaving the MI6 boss to regain some composure.

Once the two men were out of the office, Tanner turned to James:

"Seriously, Bond: did you have to piss him off?"

"It was too tempting, I admit!"

"Coming from you, I'm not surprised. And I can just imagine our boss dreaming of gutting you," smiled Eve.

"There is one good thing about this story: this time, you brought your equipment back in one piece, which is rare to point out!" added Q.

"Anyway, it's not smart to play on M's nerves! One day, he will suspend you until further notice!"

"He won't dare... I hope not!"

"I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you, Bond," said Sebastian, making his entrance.

"What are you doing here, Sebastian?" asked Quentin.

"Just having lunch with my boyfriend, that's all."

"How romantic!" quipped Bond, who winced in pain as the young man pinched his ear.

"If you've pissed him off, I guarantee I won't take your side! Don't complain if he bans you from the field," Sebastian threatened him before letting go.

Massaging his ear, James declared:

"You wouldn't let a friend down, Sebastian?"

"Oh yeah? Look at me!" the young man sneered as he walked towards Mallory's office.

"Sebastian? Seb? What are you doing?" called Bond, trying to stop him.

But the young man had already entered his boyfriend's office and closed the door behind him.

Gareth looked up and smiled as he saw Sebastian:

"You know I wanted to see you right away?"

"Because you couldn't stand Bond anymore? I thought I understood that. But I hope that's not the only reason!"

"Of course not. It's always a pleasure to have you with me."

The young man walked over to Mallory and put his arms around his neck:

"Why don't you forget about 007, and let's enjoy this lunch! What do you think?"

"That's a great idea!" replied the MI6 boss as he brushed his lips against Sebastian's.

And as the two lovers ate lunch in the office, Gareth thought that as long as he had Sebastian with him, he could face anything, come what may...

Thanks for reading the story!

Hope you liked it!

Don’t hesitate to leave a comment, a like or even reblog!

Take care!🥰😘😍💓

#requests #gifts #james bond franchise #gareth mallory #oc: sebastian armistead #james bond #eve moneypenny #bill tanner #q #ralph fiennes #robert pattinson #daniel craig #naomie harris #rory kinnear #ben whishaw

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