#if nobody got me i know mental illness got me
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Hiiii guys. I am alive 💔
#my art#ocs#sketch#these are some of the sketches ever.#if nobody got me i know mental illness got me
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OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#sniffle#i hate saying good things about myself i prefer keeping quiet most times (i don't know i am mentally ill Sorry)#i feel like a pompous jerk#but i have nobody else to tell this to mndbfgnmdbf#so i got an email saying i can be part of the honor roll. againnnnn ^_^ :D!!!!#this semester i did not join any honor classes bc erm#i don't know#oopsie. i didn't reach out#but now theyre asking me if i could kindly move to an honors science class i need bc the regular one is full already (for next semester)#like- they want me to give my spot to someone else and move me to the honors one#i'm so happy i die a thousand deaths everyday fighting for my life at school but these little things keep me going#literal ahorita estoy que me suicido por un par de cosas pero si se puede. luego de morir mil veces. pero si se puede!!!!!
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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"
#quote from MLP:FIW#sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day#sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids#my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit#step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER#<- like grades n shit#also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement#step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail#also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth#i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad#also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse#i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this#not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself#also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family#also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her#sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic#she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying#i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy#<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS#my sisters and i feel like shit#i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys#i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had#Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post
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catastrophic neurodivergent levels in the lightrunner
#beep boop you want fries with that#cw scopophobia#kingdom hearts#re:kh#re:ddd#riku#quorra#theyre fucking lined up like the weezer. sorry .#theyre so mentally ill its not even funny#you know both of them have ptsd and are autistic#so funny to me that the only experience riku had driving some sort of vehicle was the nobody glider in kh2#hey now drive a motorcycle. trust me it’ll be fun ^_^#<- i know its called a lightcycle.#thinking about quorra going at high speeds like I GOT AN IDENTITY DISK IN MY LIGHTRUNNER#i should sleep now GOODNIIIIGHT
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every day i thank my lucky stars that i got to grow up in colorado before moving to arizona bc i know so many people who have lived here their whole lives and it is so fucking sad to me that they never got to experience a snow day in elementary school
#also BASEMENTS??? nobody has a fucking basement here (no one i know at least) bc the ground is too hard and dry#i had a finished basement as a kid and it was THE place for sleepovers movie nights video games etc#i was also an absolute fiend for american girl dolls and i had a little corner dedicated to all their furniture and stuff#and my sisters and i had this barbie playhouse tent thing like where else would that make sense but a basement?#OH and my grandma had a room under the stairs in her basement which was everything to me as a kid completely obsessed with harry potter#like damn my az friends truly have no idea what they missed out on#tbf they all had pools in their backyards which is crazy to a lot of people who don’t live in places like az florida california etc#but my grandma had a pool in colorado so i got that too#if you ignore all the mental illness and trauma my childhood was amazing like holy shit feeling ✨grateful✨#anyway if you never had a snow day as a kid you have my deepest condolences#lj.txt
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accidentally took a fairly objective step away from myself today and went. oh shit. i’m like REALLY hard on myself aren’t i?
#i’m so hard on myself that it’s maybe single handledly causing at least 80% of my problems#and the crowd goes…. well yeah no shit#and like i knew/know that im hard on myself#but it’s just like. honestly am so convinced i deserve it that most of the time i don’t even think im being hard enough on myself#but then i’ll finally vocalize one of my thoughts out loud in front of someone and they’re like dude What the fuck are u good??#and i’m left sitting there like 🫥#i literally got a grade back on a final today that was not only higher than i expected#but it meant that i passed a class id convinced myself i was gonna fail#and the first and only real thing i could feel was so much guilt bc i didn’t think i deserve that grade#(still don’t but eh)#but it’s like bro you passed a class unexpectedly#got proof that your prof clearly doesn’t think you’re doing as bad as you are#or at least has empathy for the fact that it’s clearly been a bad semester#and now you also get to take that worry off the list and STILL#my brain finds a way to ensure i can still only feel bad about it#it’s like i feel like i deserve bad things so much that ill find any way to twist things around to make me feel bad#i really go ‘is nobody gonna torture the living hell out of this white boy?’ and then DONT wait for an answer#ugh anyway#i need to go to therapy#silas speaks#anyway my tip for the day is maybe try being nicer to yourself and giving yourself more grace and understanding#at the very least try to be more aware of how mean your thoughts get bc sometimes u get so so used to it u don’t realize ur doing it#or how bad it’s getting#mental health#mental illness#self hate
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The funny (but not so funny) thing about mental health is that one thing could go wrong, then I'm spiralling about it and my life and my choices and suddenly everything is going wrong
#thats why when you get the chance you gotta go relax and put some music on#to drown out da demons telling you to kill yourself <3#thank you music i love you music if nobody got me i know music got me can i get an amen#mettygetspersonal#mental health#mental illness#ask me to tag#vent
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Idk I think my cat laying on my arm and snuggling up to me helped me more than a decade spent trying different anti depressants
#so tired#but i love her. i was playing with her and i guess she got comfy#i just wish a human could love me like this. we all know thats bs though :)#just been feeling so unlovable lately. been getting put down so bad and i just cant do anything right. and nobody cares#i get it. im just a stranger but some basic human decency would be nice. fuck i hate this time of year#i dont know if i can make it to this time next year. just when i think its become unbearable something gets worse#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#actually traumatized#venting#actually mentally ill#personal vent
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it’s my depressive episode and i get to choose the background music
#self harm warning#vent art#bpd art#comic#artists on tumblr#borderline personality disorder#mental illness#bpd vent#actually borderline#lonely little comics#yet again i make art about my bpd. enjoy it or die#im being exaggerative btw dont die#or do? ....... not gonna tell you what to do#if nobody got me i know tdcc got me <3#go listen to all of tourist history there is not a SINGLE skip#its not even depressing i just listen to it when im depressed because its so comforting 2 me#if this flops. i wont be surprised. just upset
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one day ill be annoying ab my selfship again . although i enjoy that ppl enjoy my writing most of this is entirely self indulgent, projection, and for me . being so real .
#wispy chatters#i will never write inbox requests ever again ( /j... but only maybe executive dysfunction hits. )#( i dont know what to rlly write or hc w steven anymore and im in that weird kind of clingy to my interp era where like.#nobody seems to characterize steven right and i feel like im the only one but i dont wanna be a dick but most of its self indulgent so#ill keep it to myself. )#also bc i think i like. already put out all of the imporant steven hcs anyways LOL#ALSO also because ive been busy writing and rping selfship stuff w my friend involving steven instead of writing proper. which#preferable. this was mostly a side hobby to explode all of my hcs onto while i was struggling mentally#and had jack shit else to do.#sorry that i ramble a lot. no im not. this is my fucking blog . But yea#ive also been kind of negative or like. able to be interpreted as negative recently. which. yea kind of#lot of things and interpretations i do not fucking like in this fandom esp ab steven i just keep it to myself.#i just dont like fandom in general esp fanon and steven is such a fanonized character. which. yea he doesnt have much to work with#but hes got enough. idk#life goes on and all . maybe ill make a selfship blog... ill probably snag the url and then never use it.#im talking like im quitting the blog . i do that a lot. im not i just always do whatever i like even if i have 500 unanswered asks.#was easier to focus on writing any char i could in my depression era#its a little sad to see writing and hc posts and im like... i could get in on that. people totally think im a dead blog.#but idk what to add all of the main steven stuff has been squoze outta me.#not entirely but i put my full 100% steven into my self indulgent embarassing thoughts.#buuut yea thats kinda whats been. going on w me ig? Not really? fuck if i know
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Can't believe I'm still stumbling across exclus in fuckin 2023 im so tired.
#No cops at pride includes exclus (and terfs)#Like who made you the queer police shut the fuck up#Identities aren't toys#People will identify themselves where they belong#Some aspec folks won't identify as queer and that doesn't invalidate those that do#It feels like the diagram of queer folk who accuse others of wrongfully identifying as queer for social cred or whatever#And people who want being queer to be some cool kids club by excluding the people they don't like is a circle#Like it's all fucking projection#You don't know others experiences! You don't know why someone comes to the conclusions they do about their identity and you don't need to!#Like I'm sorry that when I came out as ace my mom called me a sociopath and when I came out as lesbian she said 'oh thank god'#But that's just how it was for me#If being marginalzied/discriminated/hated is the only qualifier for being queer i would literally only qualify on basis of being ace#Because nobody has ever given me any shit about being a butch lesbian#But I have been singled out for being ace I have been called sub human for being ace I have been called mentally ill for being ace#I have had people encourage corrective rape for my asexuality I have had people tell me to get medical intervention for being asexual#But it's a good thing the only qualifier for being queer is to have an identity that falls outside cishetero social norms#Otherwise I wouldn't be allowed to identify as queer as a lesbian if I suddenly wasn't ace anymore until I got hatecrimed oh no
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Being that fucking final kill on shipment 24/7 is humiliating ongggg😭😭 whyyyy are we broadcasting my murder THE FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN THAT IS OUR LOSS
#Ny teammates were getting slaughtered around me and I was even aiming at the guy who got me put my controller is fucked#I kept clicking for naught#Which is the stupidest exuse but I MEAJNTI😭#Please i hope nobody memorises gamer tags#I'm changing this a by out the second I can please forget my shame#Cod mw2#God I wish I was less mentally ill#I also got last#I usually only die like a handful of times but I also usually mostly get assists and not kills💀#Like i am just not good at the game and I don't know the guns#So I switch them out and get confused as to which does what#I never played this when I was like 12 so km learning at 20💀💀💀
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every single fictional character i like should split and have mood swings like me. "ohhhhh but it's not canotical" "ohh they have good control over their emotions and stable views on the world" i don't fucking care. i see cq in his fake desert i see klavier's control dialogue i see dahlia and her serial murders and komaeda and the gun literally fuck with me right now. we need to stop being cowards about our fictional character headcanons i think everyone should kill people always because i can't
#neg#omg am i having an episode right now is this episode coded is that what we're doing oh my God should we tell all your friends#should we call the president oh my God mare is having an episode right now guys don't freak but it's finally happening aaaahhh#we've been waiting forever but our queen's finally back she's having an episode oh my God we stan like crazy oh my God i'm calling everyone#can we have a cake at the episode tell me we're having cake at the episode i'm buying a cake it's official girls oh my God AAAH#she's so crazy LOVEEE her. oh my God!!!#anyway i think my blond bitch rockstar fave should get to kill the titular character!#sorry i hate the fucking name censoring in tags i'm trying to ween off of it cause it's like not accessible tee bee aych#but like i need to speak my truth so we're doing epithets#he should literally get to kill him and rip his carpet up WHY DOES NOBODY TALK ABT IT#they all make him cry or whatever this isn't the right blog for this but i've got images okay#enough crying enough consolation hugging where's my apology only for it to not be accepted and things to be fucking over#where's MY catharsis you know. this barbie needs catharsis!#i'm super light headed i should super stop posting but like who am i going to text in these conditions#the answer is nobody nobody wants to text my phone like they can blow it up it's fine w/e#i'd make instagram stories but it'll be like a whole thing and they'll report me again for mental illness#i'm going to stop apologizing for having breakdowns publicly actually. if you were like this you would too.#actually maybe you wouldn't because you'd be soooo well adjusted well i'm a weak bitch like actually#and my bones are fucking breaking right now so i'm gonna tell everyone about it <3#i licherally don't want to damage public property now and by that i mean my room LMAOOOO#this is nawt public property but the paints so nice
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really awesome day to think everythings going alright and then you wake up and get hit in the face twice in a row
#vent#why am i suddenly the worst person to exist to everyone again for having bpd and complex emotions. 2023s coming back in a new way#like oh wow Have you ever thoguht of how Aria Feels. Have you ever thought to fucking talk to me about this . god.#this specific group of people keeps making me miserable and then complains about me being miserable about it. like yea. bc that makes sense#maybe i shouldve left all of you huh. maybe i shouldve done that. i need to be the one with agency over my emotions for fucking once.#everyone walks all over me and expects it to do nothing. keeping my fears in check and keeping my confirmation biases very much there.#lua if you see this that was entirely fucking unwarranted. im not some fucking evil person. i just have BPD. we tried.#i dont like venting to you for every single little thing either and it makes me miserable too! it wouldve been nice if you said that first.#all of it made me miserable but thats all we ever fucking talked about.#i really fucking tried just to get kicked down and spit at again for something so stupid and then the remaining 3 also left again.#what am i supposed to do. what do you want me to do.#i genuinely tried. i always wanted to try but just got left with questions and unexplainable emotions. and now everythings like this again#no explanations. nothing to give me any benefit of the doubt. just no youre evil and awful for this thing that we all also do but#were all going to blame YOU for not being honest about your emotions. and then i start being very open about my emotions#and people hate that too. literally what do you fucking want from me anymore. have i been anything other than a strawman to any of you#just an ideal to chase . just whatever you want to form me into ?#i am not a saint and never claim to be or claim to be the best or even most reasonable opinion. but you should all maybe evaluate that your#extraordinarily comically bad at anything regarding this. better at communicating my fucking ass.#i dont want to be at either of you twos fucking whims anymore. i dont even want to be at my own.#leave me the hell alone. observe me at a distance. just dont fucking talk to me until you have something better to say.#i did not need that. it is unfair to me. not now. not any time. not near my birthday not near new years. i did not need this suddenly today#because people dont communicate anything to me. and then expect me to be fine to be slapped in the face with it like its expected.#you people fucking suck.#i feel abused by fucking everyone. i am not a real person to any of you and never will be. nobody cared about my personhood#and you know what. im fine with that. because neither of you are here anymore.#literally i am mentally not built for people who made me miserable then blaming me for my misery . or the most stupid friendgroup drama of#the century i am built for playing touys and having fun Fuck u all forever get out of my life FOREVER !#itll probably come back again and then ill be mentally susceptible to this bullshit again but for now literally just . fuck off.#i dont want to be in your ouroboros ( lol ) of endless misery feedback loop bullshit anymore#like woww i have problems but Wow. Its almost like you two made it worse? Idk! Just a thought.
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why is looking at pictures of fictional men the only thing that makes me happy these days
#just ghoststuff things#EVERYTHING IS GETTING BAD AGAIN WOO HOO#🥳🥳🥳#my life is over party#guys am i mentally ill#do i need help#well i don't really want help#not anymore#help sucks#i'd rather just lay in my bed and rot away#let the earth slowly reclaim me while i starve or smth#at least i've got my kite plushie#he's probably the only person that'd still love me even while i'm like this#which is really sad but oh well#if nobody got me i know that kite plushie got me can i get an amen#please kill me /hj#vent kinda#venting in tags
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gonna hav to up the dosage of my antipsychotics and it's scary bc ik my vraylar only goes up from 4.5 to 6mg and it's hard to handle my symptoms rn im hearing voices and thats always been an issue when i get stressed but its been terrible lately like so bad that i cant ignore it anymore and im very triggered bc around this time 4 yrs ago i entered psychosis for a good couple of months right before i turned 18 and im getting facebook memories of the shit i posted and it's fucking triggering
#bipolar schizoaffective disorder is my most recent diagnosis and its very cool to have a name for what im goin thru#like lately ive been hearing a man yelling in my head really awful shit#and then theres a woman trying to calm him and soothe me AND him and its fucking scary#i hear voices constantly rn and it never shuts off its so hard to fall asleep#i thought i heard my neighbor screaming my name when i was walking my dog butttt nobody was near us and they dont know my name#my dog didnt react so i knew it wasnt real but it was so real to me i got scared and had to go back inside#it fucking sucks being mentally ill like this i feel so aloneeee in itttt#nobody quite understands bc they dont live it so they dont get it in my family
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