#if i call out then im just being lazy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bred-is-a-dumb-name · 9 months ago

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I swear to God if one more person tells me "Well you look fine" during a flare up or otherwise disabling moment I might just snap. What part of invisible illness doesn't register. Do you want me to show you my fucked up organs??? Do you wanna see em??? Is that what itll take for you to admit im not healthy???? Augh.

#i called oit yesterday but was able to walk arpund and be fine today and my coworker told me that i look3d fine implying i was lying yesterd #ay and it just really fuckin sent me tbh. like bro am i not allowed to have good days after bad days?? what??#having an invisible illness is impossible. if im displaying symptoms im faking it. if im not displaying symptoms then i was clearly lying.#if i go to work while sick then im clearly not actually in thay mich pain #if i call out then im just being lazy #etc etc etc #like i am seconds away from quitting of i get one more passive agressive comment abt not actually being sick #i literally threw up and collapsed from pain yesterday. just bc i can walk tpday doesnt mean im lying. fuck off.#aughghggh #bred.txt #vent #vent post #rant #young disabled #actually disabled #physically disabled #ableism #disability #cripple punk #cpunk

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itz-pandora · 20 days ago

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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"

#quote from MLP:FIW #sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day #sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids #my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit #step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER #<- like grades n shit #also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement #step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail #also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth #i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad #also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse #i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this #not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself #also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family #also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her #sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic #she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying #i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy #<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS #my sisters and i feel like shit #i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys #i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had #Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post

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perenlop · 8 months ago

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pokeani moments that exist purely to make Me miserable:

the line where they call ash's oshawott a throwaway pokemon in the unova league so they're just flat out saying they think it's a worthless pokemon

to thine own pokemon be true (extra angst points for me bc ambipom was my second favorite on the team at the time)

the granddaughter of the guy who trains gliscor calling gliscor pathetic and weak to her face despite gliscor being an extremely sensitive pokemon

pretty much everything about that gible

blue episode (favorite color but they made it a fetish somehow and also dewott and brionne and meowstic are all there and its so bad)

boxing heracross immediately. also that battle frontier episode where it's literally the only returning ash mon (barring torkoal i think but i dont count it bc its native to AG) to get humiliated onscreen

pidgeot returning but gliscor didn't even show up in the miniseries despite being an Actual Character

#sorry ik i keep bringing up the throwaway line but like. its SOOOOOOOOOO bad holy shit #the heracross one isnt aaaaaas bad tbf bc they really make up for it in the sinnoh league #but aside from one ep in the miniseries we never quite get an episode where oshawott proves itself in a battle #i still love that episode bc it still kinda feels like an apology for all the oshawott bashing in bw but i am a little :/#that battling didnt even come up once #ive kiiinda eased up on gliscors benching episode bc at the end of the day it isssss pretty good to her. also its the best animated one #but its treatment like what i mentioned that still really drags it down to me #and also like. i know ppl praise gliscor being so powerful after the episode but i really dont get why we couldnt have just #had a gliscor training arc onscreen. but ig we wouldnt have that stupid ass gible plot that went nowhere now would we #but like.... we had such a huge stretch between that episode and the league. i really dont get why we couldnt have had a mini arc #where gliscor realizes shes not pulling her weight that well and really starts hauling ass #she doesnt really even sweep in the paul fight. she gets beaten immediately by ninjask #the drapion part was awesome tho yayyyy #but my point is that it wouldnt really change much if gliscor just stayed and got stronger on its own #have the bench episode be a wake up call for gliscor rather than a goodbye one and she becomes super competent #like im not just saying this bc gliscor is my favorite character in the entire show. i feel like its straight up kinda lazy and less reward #rewarding #imagine how the drapion fight could be EVEN MORE cathartic if we saw gliscor struggle and fight to get better throughout the show #as much as i like that specific battle and ash vs paul as a whole... it just kinda proves my point that sending gliscor away at all #was kind of a shitty move #like ohhhhh ash's team is all getting revenge for lake acuity yay!!!!! oh one of them was kicked off for the sake of a shitty gible plot th #which really only served to make shitty piplup bashing jokes and only actually had a conclusion in the league itself #by which time it was too late to actually do anything else with it. yeah we kicked someone off for that. but shes back now!!!#like it doesnt weaken the battle THAT much. in fact theres some value in how ash went out of his way to make sure gliscor could be there #so her defeat could also be avenged. and its still my fave battle in the whole anime. but it just proves to me how pointless that was reall #echoed voice

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natjennie · 6 months ago

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does anyone out here have a dad that isnt an asshole all the fucking time. like is it even possible.

#thinks we're ungrateful and incapable and lazy for lemme check. being disabled #and then when we rightfully call him out on his dick behavior he gets mad and slams things and mutters under his breath #and is like 'oh great so its MY FAULT'#and tries to push the narrative that now we've upset him and he's gonna feel like dogshit for the next two hours like.#congrats. that's how we live our whole fucking lives because of you. im always thinking about what he's gonna get pissed off at next #and how im not enough for him and how he's gonna be mad i couldnt do something #when he says shit like 'we need to teach them to sponge-wash the dishes'#like we're morons. like we dont know #we tried to LOAD the dishwasher and got so nauseous and yucked out we had to switch off every couple items #and both heaved over the trashcan #you think im not doing it specifically to make you upset? you think I CAN and im just choosing not to?#god he makes me so mad. and sad. and full of grief.#and worried for my sister #because she's bipolar and his provocation has a very real not unlikely chance at making her suicidal #it's such a mess #and its unfair for her and its unfair for me

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astralejection · 1 year ago

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i think it's really funny that duke has zero beef with anyone in the batfam, like bro is straight chilling

#seriously like jason lets him make jokes about his death #and he lets duke call him out when he's being dramatic and emo #damian also immediately respected him bc DUKE showed immediate respect #like duke knew damian was more experienced and skilled than he was in vigilantism and didnt treat damian like a kid #so they saw a movie together :)#dont get me started on duke and cass theyre dynamic is so special to me #but also its canon that duke cass and steph go mini-golfing on sundays #they call it their self care day #and i dont think hes actually really interacted with tim much #im pretty sure tim was dead when dukes story was developing #but i assume that duke and tim would be on good terms too #duke is fr just a fuckin capybara bro has no beef with anyone #dc comics #duke thomas #batfam #im only tagging duke tbh im lazy

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toytulini · 6 months ago

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wheres that post about how its hard to have like a fucking depression spiral or whatever while knitting bc lemme tell u im sitting here fighting back tears while actively crocheting and its not fucking working

#toy txt post #depression spiral self worth spiral the world sucks and everything is bad and stupid spiral #whatever you want to call it. im fucking miserable and my eyes keep watering and making it kinda hard to see the fucking stitches #guess thatd be less of an issue if i was doing a standard moss stitch instead if a modified variant w half doubles and working into the #stitch under the space instead of in the chain space which is a little more annoying and fiddly to find than the chain space #whatever. its all the same stupid fucking shit anyway. whatever whatever whatever whatever #nothing matters everything is stupid and sucks and whats the fucking point! god #and then dad will just get home and sternly scold me for not looking for a job anyway #as if i could currently fucking handle being asked what my fucking strengths are or whatever #and i bet fucking period is not fucking helping cos hormone fluctuations do weird shit to emotions i fucking guess. whatever #i feel like my head is going to explode #'just let yourself cry let it out!' no. its fucking inconvenient and doesnt even release all the stupid fucking feelings it just leaves me #exhausted and wasting a bunch of fucking tissues. whatever #im a stupid lazy bitch whatever and im Not. but i am #what does it matter #i cant even deal with the fucking ants in my bedroom im just hiding from them in my brothers empty room #i washed all my bedding but havent remade the bed bc im like oh i should wait for the ants to be gone #cant do anything. cant do fucking anything at all ever #i should get out of the house and touch grass and that would be good for me but like. where #i shouldnt even leave the house bc im not insured and what if i get into a car crash? i hate everything #negative #whining

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arolesbianism · 2 months ago

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I wanna take a crack at making some fake screenshot graphics for my Sif Odile duo loopers au but I do not feel confident enough in my ability to mimic isat's art style and I also have a crippling fear of drawing backgrounds

#rat rambles #stars posting #I wanna make a thing for odile's parallel scene to the bathroom scene were sif forgets odile's name #but it takes place in the traps room by the wood carving tools which isn't the worst room to have to draw ig but I still dont want to #I could just take the lazy route and just sketch the scene so I can get it out of my head and I probably will #but at the same time I also should draw more stuff with backgrounds even if it makes me want to throw up and cry #but yeah the scene is basically just odile having a derealization moment while thinking abt the wooden odile carving sif made for her #just her looking at it and feeling nothing and trying to look ahead at siffrin expecting to be reminded of what it's supposed to make her #feel and just being met with the same emptyness in her chest as she can barely even recognize the person in front of her until they look #back at her and their expression shifts into a extremely concerned one #does that make sense? idk if Im explaining it well but I hope it makes sense #but yeah smth smth them becoming less real to eachother overtime much to the horror of both #also unrelated but I need to start rotating loop in this au in my head more theres so much to work with here #I have some vague ideas and thoughts but I have been too odile brained to properly elaborate on those in my head #Im honestly just glad Ive finally made an au that I can actually get invested in fleshing out #I havent rly found a good headspace to rly play around with the main cast but this is actually giving me smth to chew on #usually most thoughts I have abt isat just lead to me thinking abt my ocs lol #regardless Im having fun with this au and I hope that I can bring myself to commit to it #also Ive been trying to think of a decent name for this au and Im half tempted to call it from the top or smth but I feel like Im tempted #to call like every story I make that so Im on the fense abt it #especially since thats what Ive been planning on calling the prologue for spiraling upwards #not that I cant just do both but I wanna see if I can think of any alternatives

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rubiesintherough · 10 months ago

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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw #negativity tw #gonna try to do some writing today but motivation is real low.#i guess that's what happens when you get called stupid useless and lazy to your face by someone who then expects you #to bow and scrape and wait on them hand and foot #and also now im expected to pay the electric bill on top of doing all the housework. literally all of it. in a home of 3 #fucking adults. and bow im also the one having to handle a lot of maintenance work around the place on top of keeping #it spotless bc no one else 'feels like doing it'#and the whole time i get to be insulted and told that im fat. stupid. lazy. while im cleajing up their messes. and fixing stuff for them.#and doing a bunch of cooking bc they get pissy if i dont also feed them on top of doing literally all the housework. and maintenance work.#and also now being expected to pay half the electric bill. again house of 3 people. and im not even allowed to take a hot shower when i need #to in order to get the pain spikes under control from yknow. flaring up my fibro from overworking myself CLEANING AND TAKING CARE OF THE #DAMN HOUSE FOR THEM #bc it takes too much electricity. the electricity i mostly paid for last month #sorry i needed to get that out #suicide tw #abuse tw #not me debating offing myself bc theres no end in sight and no way out and i cant keep going from one abusive situation to another #and just trying to survive. almost 30 yrs old and ive never once felt safe or at home anywhere ive ever lived. not once. in almost 30 #years have i ever felt safe. or like im my own person. or that im valued. or wanted. or listened to. not once in almost 30 years #have i ever felt like im actually loved (wanted) beyond my usefullness.#shit sucks man. anyway sorry for the spam of negativity lately. im not trying to be a downer.#gonna go hang out in my inbox for a while and see if anything pops out that my muses wanna jump on 🤞

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gay-fordeath · 3 months ago

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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho #bro i cant keep living like this #i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep #i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not #i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough #i get headaches every other day #my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company #i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries #which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever #and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability #in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL #AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL #do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn #i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it #its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation #fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever #but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that #but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work #from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space #theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped #i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them #i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without #fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and #overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck

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skunkes · 1 year ago

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I wont speak much bc idk ur situation like u do but. U r not lazy, ur in survival mode, i came from a similar environment and the only thing i could muster up energy for was. To sit at my computer all day. Couldnt even play games most of the time, just rotting in front of a screen watching mind numbing shit bc it took ALL of my energy just staying alive in an incredibly stressful, toxic environment. Just existing was exhausting. It makes me so sad to see u talk abt urself like that when i know the exact feeling.... its not laziness its mental exhaustion!! Laziness isnt even a real thing. I hope im not preachy it just. Idk i went thru smth so similar it just rly hits close to home and i was so self-depreciating which only made it 1000x worse... ur body and mind are doing their best they just need rest bc theres So Much. Sorry if im overstepping or anything auu

i've been told dis by others also, and i really appreciate it ^_^ but idk! i feel if everyone cld see a live feed of one day in my life everyone wld laugh at me LOL my life is not difficult, i am not in any horrible situation... i really dont think it is the same...! i Am lazy...

#skunk mail #Anonymous #long ask #ive stopped telling my problems to friends bc 1. they arent problems #2. the more things they suggest the more i realize i really am just lazy #i lack the will or energy to do anything. i am like one of those organisms that can barely be called a living being #one of those real ''you only have problems bc you dont want to fix them'' situations #and it is true #i want to get out of here so bad ! but not enough to want to relearn to drive. or get a job. or do anything #if i werent trans id be perfectly fine living here forever i think... bc i really dont Need anything that i want out of moving out #i want to draw more but i dont do it. i dont want to do anything #im just spoiled really...and inept. i just want to be in bed forever

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mikeru-funzies · 6 months ago

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would have rebloghed this if I could find it but

(rant in the tags)

#me when my hair started falling out #and my immune system deteriorated #and the structure of my brain physically changed due to over use of the amygdala #that was actually mostly bc of a different reason but my point still stands #and the whole time you get called lazy? helpless? needy?#😛#it’s so hard explaining to people why having adhd is ass #adhd is a disability #yes. it disables you.#its not just being quirky or fidgeting too much or being talkative #it is a lack of executive functioning.#your memory. your spatial awareness. your tense of time. your motivation. your satisfaction. is all FUCKED #the only way for me to be productive is to work myself to death!!#and I can’t even explain it by saying I have adhd #because to them that just means I get bored in math class #I GET BORED DOING THE YHINGS I LOVE #I PHYSICALLY DO NOT GET SATISFACTION FROM COMPLETING TASKS #there is ZERO motivation to do any work #OF COURSE IM GOING TO NOT WANT TO DO IT #it feels like I can’t do anything #the simplest of tasks take so much of my energy #sigh #doomed to obsess over something ; loose all interest ; abandon it ; and start the process again #it’s not a super power #it’s a disability

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spamtoon · 7 months ago

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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)

Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...

Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!

(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)

I know what you are.

Farewell, now!

(She then leaves the way she came from.)

(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)

And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...

(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)

You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?

I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.

(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)

Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way

(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)

Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.

WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.

Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever

#bright spark #<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky #the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE #SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you #to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this #is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay #nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are #honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang #spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main #cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her #own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally #i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel #like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything #with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite #finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives #happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared #to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that #respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a #method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy #excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going #sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay

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fruixtii · 1 year ago

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MY DAD JUST ASKED WHY IM WALKING LIKE A MAN?? WHAT??? I AM LITERALLY JUST WALKING

#what does he mean by that. i was literally walking normally #i do not understand #was it cause im slouching a bit??#my dad likes to call out any bit of masculinity he sees in me #i don’t really mind but its also really confusing cause im not masculine at all im just messy fdsjdsk #i think he relates being lazy / messy / unkempt with masculinity

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mojaves · 10 months ago

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wish it was next week so my mother could be back at work

#literally two days into her week off and she's already called me a baby for. being hungry #got pissed got asking where some medication was #called me lazy and said im wasting my life doing nothing ever bc i put some things on my bed???#and then!!!! said i was making everything about me because i. wait for it #moved the food i just made out of the kitchen so it wouldnt end up being covered in fly spray #love being made to feel unwelcome in a place im paying to live in [:

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toytulini · 4 months ago

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reeeeeeally wish. it didnt feel. like the needs of my body vs the needs of my brain were actively in fucking conflict with each other in a way that makes it impossible to function or exist

#toy txt post #chronic pain #just. really frustrated. cant see a way out or through or over or whatever here yall #augh #and dad wants me to. do what i was doing before that made everything worse somehow as a method to get my foot in the door and fucking #network???? to do?????? unclear. until i get what. middle management?#how the fuck would that help anything #meanwhile i am trying to muster the executive function to complete. the catpans #ouaghghahghhgghg #it is so hard to be gentle with myself about this bc it doesnt feel like i deserve gentleness for it! like i have worked so hard to try to #unlearn the ableism and shit but that doesnt really fucking help much if both my parents just keep that shit so deeply baked into their #worldview that they interpret me trying to treat myself a little gentler as being a lazy freeloader or whatever #like im really trying not to be too harsh on myself about this but for what? at least if im mean to me about it i have ground to stand on #in calling their meanness unjust and unnecessary cos dont worry!!!!!!!!! i can reproduce the entire fucking ableism cycle inside my own #head and self flagellate for not being able ti push through it like you guys did so you dont have to! in fact i am so good at it that it #makes it an impossible topic to address! bc i just speedrun everything into thinking of myself as worthless so you dont have to! see im not #a total laze/s #god. i hate this so much so fucking much. aaaaagh. there are a number of things i CAN do and unfortunately none of them seem to be #the necessary administrative faff of it all #oausbdjsfusbfhshhrrrgrhrhgggg #trying to organize notes of talking points to unpack this a little in therapy this week but its only the second appt. so like. she wanted #to go through a bit of a questionnaire? idkkkk

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haemosexuality · 2 years ago

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hm. in a way i know i am lucky slash privileged that my (probable) autism is mild/light/high-functioning/whatever the appropriate term is enough that it took me years to realize its autism, and that often the reaction to telling someone that i think i might be autistic is "what? but youre so normal! you were a normal child!". cuz like. some people have it way worse etc i can probably survive without help. but also i often wish that it wasnt and that it was severe enough that i got diagnosed early on (or at all). bc that would mean that at least ppl like, know why im Like this. that id know why im like this. that id get help. etc. ik this is like not actually what would have happened and that ppl who are "more autistic" get treated horribly but ig its kinda like that thing where ppl who werent traumatized in their childhood but are still fucked up wish they were actually traumatized so theyd have a justification for being like this (something i also feel). chipped cup wishing it was a broken cup. yk

#even more bc i have that ''can survive without help but damn would some help be good'' swag #like sure i can live like this it also makes me have attacks and want to kms tho #like i still. have symptoms. and need help. im just very good at pretending i dont. and not asking for it. yk?#realizing i am probably autistic made me realize just How Much i cant function sometimes. how much i repress and dont think ab #always have but before i called it (whips out a comedically long paper with a list in it) anxiety and depression and just being introverted #and being a bad person and being toxic and just being really into thinks and being naturally bad at having friends and being emotional and #having anger issues and being a irritable kid and being a shy kid and being immature and being mature for my age #and being a picky eater and being annoying and being dumb and being lazy and being a bad daughter and #anyways you get my gist #like how lucky am i that theres certain stuff i ''realized i could do'' after reading ab autism or behaviors that i repressed when theres #ppl thay cannot stop and have been treated horribly for it yk

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