#if I don’t see this in a week I’m making it myself and I probably won’t post it

[crowsofdarkness]

Moment Of Weakness: Chapter Twenty

-gif not mine. credit to owner-

Pairings: Mob!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Content Warnings: language, 18 + smut, angst, fluff, affair, cheating, violence, kidnapping, faking a pregnancy.

Summary: Reader is the assistant to New York's most feared mob boss, James Buchanan Barnes. He had the picture-perfect life: status in the mob, friends, and beautiful wife. So why can't he keep his mind and eyes off of reader?

Authors Note: I just wanted to remind everyone who reads this, there are heavy moments of cheating/having an affair in this story. You might not agree with the actions of "reader" or Bucky but it does pertain to the storyline. If anyone is interested, tags are open for this! Just send me a message or comment!

Tags: @cjand10 @generalmoonpolice @sapphirebarnes @baw1066 @nameless-ken @minami97

The tension in the small office was too thick, it enclosed around my throat and I was unable to breath at times while feeling his stare bore into my back. His heated gaze would follow my every movement as I walked around the open area, doing my best to work and keep myself from locking eyes with him. 

It worked; for the first few hours. 

Today was the first day back at work after wallowing in my own self pity for the last week and a half. Needless to say, from the second I stepped foot inside, it had been so awkward to be around Bucky. He kept to himself in his office, the door opened half way, but when he saw me arrive at my desk he didn’t bother to talk to me. He knew that it would only result in one thing. 

Either me smacking him or yelling at him. 

He was right. 

If it wasn’t for Steve, I probably would still be home in my bed and staining my pillow cases with more tears than arguably necessary. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” 

I didn’t bother to look over my shoulder in the doorway, knowing who was leaning against it with their arms crossed over his chest. 

“How’d you get in, Steve?” I breathed. 

“The spare key you keep hidden under the mat,” he informed. “You do know you’ve been gone for the last week.” 

“Nine days,” I corrected while pulling the covers closer to my chin. “You can let yourself out the same way.” 

Steve sighed and was soon kneeling in front of me, his gentle fingers brushing the hair out of my face. My eyes fluttered shut at the feeling and for a moment, I forgot about the pain I had been in. 

“He’s not worth all of this, Y/N.” Steve motioned to the current state I was in. 

Unwashed hair, sunken eyes, tear stained cheeks, and my body buried underneath my piles of blankets on my bed. 

“I made a fool of myself,” I let out a shaky breath. 

Steve’s large hand began rubbing comforting circles on my back. “You do foolish things when you’re in love.” 

My eyes widened. “I’m not-.” 

He didn’t bother to let me finish, explaining how I was not in love with Bucky Barnes. 

“Why else would you consistently go back to him, Y/N? After all the hurt he put you through?” 

I parted my lips, wracking my brain to come up with a good answer, but they seized shut when nothing came out. 

As much as I didn't want to admit, Steve was right. 

I was in love with Bucky Barnes. 

My hand cupped his cheek. “I let the best guy go, huh?” 

A chaste kiss was placed on the inside of my palm before Steve yanked the blankets off of me. The cold air from my open window danced around the barness of my legs and I whined, wanting to feel the warmth yet again. 

“You have twenty minutes to get ready, otherwise I’m dragging you into work kicking and screaming.” 

Thankfully Steve didn’t have to drag me into work, I came willingly. Much to the dismay of the screaming voice in my mind that this was a bad idea. 

Some people may think that a job isn’t worth seeing your ex lover almost every day but when there’s one person there that makes it bearable, you don’t want to leave them. 

I glanced up towards the office across from my desk where Steve was lounging on the couch, sketch book in his lap. He looked away for a moment, eyes catching mine, and gave me a small smile. My heart dropped, knowing that with my own stupidity I had let him go, ruining any chances with him. 

“Idiot,” I muttered to myself. 

The front door opened and bounding inside with a bright smile was Natasha as her soft voice called out a hello to everyone.

I turned my back and continued working on the schedule for today. 

“Oh, Y/N! Did you hear the news?” 

I cursed under my breath before spinning around in my chair and gave her a nod. “I did. Congratulations.” 

“It’s so exciting! I’m still so early so it’s a bit scary telling everyone but I can’t help it.” She sat in the chair across from my desk, making herself at home. 

My lips pulled in a tight line. “Yeah, I bet.” 

“Bucky is going to be such a great dad. He’s so excited that he’s been looking up baby names on google.” 

Ignoring the stinging pain in my heart, I did my best to make sure she noticed that I had a lot of work to do by pointing to it. 

“I really should get back to work. Bucky left a list of things for me to catch up on that I missed.” 

Natasha waved me off. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if us girls talked for a few minutes.” 

I sighed, defeated. “Sure.” 

“So.”

She started to ramble on some more about how excited she was that she and Bucky were finally starting a family. According to her, they have been wanting kids for years but Bucky never felt that they were in a good spot in the marriage to start. 

“What made him change his mind?” I forced myself to ask, secretly wanting to know. 

Natasha tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “If I’m being honest, it was an accident. He’s always been safe, using a condom every time, but that night he couldn't contain himself. Practically threw himself at me.” 

I swallowed thickly, the pain becoming too much for my fragile heart to handle Although, there still was something else I needed to know. 

“How far along are you?” 

“Only six weeks so we still have a long way to go,” she smiled. 

I curled a brow with confusion. “Bucky told me you’re a few months along?.” 

Natasha’s face twitched as her shoulders dropped, but she quickly recovered by waving her hand around. “Oh, same thing. Is he busy?” 

She was quick to change the subject which only made the alarm bells in my mind ring even louder about this whole situation. 

Suddenly, Bucky’s presence was felt behind me which caused Natasha to quickly jump to her feet and wrap her arms around him. As they shared a kiss, I forced myself to look away like I did so many times before. 

“I thought I heard your voice,” Bucky said. 

“I was in the neighborhood and thought to have lunch with you.”

Bucky shifted on his feet. “Why today? You haven’t shown up in the office since last week.” 

This caught my attention and I peeked an ear to listen. 

“So what do you say, lunch?” Natash asked yet again in hopes of avoiding another conversation. 

“Y/N?” 

My eyes landed on Bucky, hearing my name fall from his lips made my heart skip a beat. 

“Hm?”

He wrapped an arm around Natasha’s shoulder. “How does my schedule look this afternoon?” 

I gave him a small smile. “You’re actually booked up. Mr. Stark is coming in to sign the contract for your new project together and Dr. Banner is at two o'clock so he can present his idea to you.” 

Bucky’s eyes lingered on my lips before he nodded, giving Natasha his attention yet again. “Rain check?” 

“You can’t spare even ten minutes?” She pouted. 

He shook his head while placing a kiss on top of her head, this causing me to look away again. 

“I’ll make it up to you with dinner.” 

They conversed for a few more minutes before Natasha reluctantly left, leaving Bucky remaining in his previous spot behind me. I kept my eyes trained hard on the screen in front of me, not bothering to give him an ounce of attention. 

“Y/N,” he breathed my name. 

I continued to ignore him even though my heart began to hammer hard in my chest, especially when he knelt down next to me, his hand resting on my knee. 

“Can you please talk to me?” 

The wheels of my chair scraped against the floor as I pushed myself away from him. 

“I have a lot of work to do,” I simply stated. 

He let out a low breath before standing to his feet and began following me as I walked into the breakroom, the door shutting behind us. 

“I missed you.” 

I spun on my heels. “Dont.” 

His eyes were filled with so much angst and sorrow that I almost fell for it. 

Almost. 

“You were gone over a week, I want to make sure you’re okay,” Bucky said. 

I shook my head with a set gaze. “You don’t get the right to ask me how I’m doing or say that you miss me when it’s your fucking fault that I’m like this.” 

“Y/N.” 

“Leave me alone, Bucky. Please. You need to focus on your family now, stop worrying about me,” I said while tears pricked in my eyes. 

“All I can think about is you. I miss you.” Bucky leaned against the counter in the room. 

I held firm, only giving him a nod. “Well it seems like it’s a one sided feeling because I don’t miss you.” 

His eyes narrowed. “Bullshit.” 

The inside of my cheek caught between my teeth, knowing that my lie was detected right away. 

“I’m not going to keep doing this dance with you, Bucky,” I ran a hand through my hair. “I’m only here to do my job then go home at the end of the day; alone. Or with someone, depending on how I’m feeling.” 

He pushed himself off of the counter, a shaky breath escaping him as his ips pulled in a tight, angry line. 

“You’re already seeing someone?” 

I scoffed, eyes drilling into him deep. “If I was, it’s not your fucking business.” 

“Is it Steve?” 

The way his voice cracked at the name echoed in my ears but I continued to stand tall in front of him, not letting him see how bad I had been hurting. 

“No, I lost that chance because I chose you. And look where that got me,” I admitted while looking at my feet. “Fuck this, I’m going back to work.”

We stared at each other for a few beats before I walked past him, ripping my arm out of his grasp as he reached for me. 

[respectthepetty]

Each week I write that I won’t focus on whatever is happening with Yellow Yal Arm and Red Rascal Arc’s colors, so in the thirteenth episode, I’m telling myself the same thing since, once again, I got bigger fish to fry!

Like these two and their kinks!

And these two and their toxic relationship with its back and forth breaking up and fighting, which shocks me since Black Brooder Klao is lightening up because of Warit.

But most importantly, Green Guy Gun is in love with Black Brooder Yotha since he keeps wearing Yotha’s black.

Yet there is a divide between them as beautifully emphasized by the background of their room.

Luckily, Green Guy Gun has color-coded friends to support him: his bestie Kong who is a Blue Boy, Franc, the Pink Person, and Book being whatever color that is.

And I can't forget about Yotha’s Blue Boy brother, Faifa!

Who he’ll really need since the beautifully colored scene is about to crush us all.

Including our usually chill and jovial Green Guy.

Look at how he turns red sitting next to the boy who has kissed him several times AND HIS EX!

And look at Arc be red, as he should be because he is a Red Rascal. I don’t know what is happening with Arm, but back to the drama!

And boy oh boy is it some drama as Warit emerges from the red exit.

These two are back on their color-coded bullshit.

And these two have to witness it BEFORE ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!

Green Guys are too chill because Gun asked Yotha not to go out, watched Yotha kiss his ex, sat at the dinner with them, watched everyone get punched because Yotha is ghosting girls, then cleans Yotha up, and doesn’t even pop off like a bottle of Champagne at a bridal shower. Like . . . my dude! Get upset!

Even him moving away from Yotha was so soft that it hurt me because he still wasn’t trying to hurt Yotha. He never wants to hurt Yotha!!!!

So thank goodness for Yotha’s brothers stepping in when they did because I think Gun would have cried on the spot if he thought he was hurting Yotha more.

Faifa is the best Blue Boy for getting Gun to admit that Gun doesn’t even feel like he can be upset since he is in a situationship with Yotha and doesn’t feel like he has any right to get mad. Look at how that Blue Boy looks at him! He is going to be mad for him!

And now a chill Green Guy Gun is caught in the middle of a Black Brooder and a Blue Boy, and although I don’t like that both of them told Gun to be quiet, I do appreciate that Faifa is going IN on Yotha because Gun would never. Gun doesn’t believe he should be upset, so Faifa is making sure that Yotha knows someone is upset, and it’s him!

Side quest: WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THEIR COLORS?!

Oh, thank goodness, Arc is packing red clothing. All is well. There is hope for these two!

And there is hope for these two too.

Yotha is lucky that his brother is a Blue Boy and not a Red Rascal because he would have murdered him the second he walked back into that room.

But the color-coded crew is coming through and making sure their Green Guy is protected at all times.

AND YOTHA IS FINALLY WEARING GREEN!!!!!

I know Blue Boy Sand and Green Guy Po, I’m shocked too! Yotha is in love with Gun and wearing his color! HE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!

And now he is sitting on a green bench trying to plan how to get Gun back while realizing he just doesn’t want his roommate back, but his future boyfriend back! OH HEAVENS YES!

Arm wearing blue is messing up my happy mood, but it’s okay because Yotha isn’t in full black! He is lightening up! He is showing his feelings! HE IS IN LOVE!

Arc in red is all I need to remember that Arc and Arm were consistently color-coded during their portion of this show, and that the wardrobe department was probably fighting for its life during this show.

And now we end here, with Yotha, the lightest he has been so far, matching colors with Gun, and I’m thrilled.

And not just because I get to see Tawan again next episode!

[sebs-raging-with-testosterone]

this is my little corner of the internet, yes, and even if it’s tiny, and will stay that way for a while, i still will say what needs to be said and what is probably being thought about by millions of my fellows.

i’m a transdude. i’m pre-everything, and have an appointment set up with an endocrinologist next week that will probably help me get on testosterone. i’m 17-years-old. i’ve been out as a transguy, as anything queer for that matter, for a little over a year now.

i’m terrified. i did not plan on being another part of the vast majority of history that has come to exist in this country when i had first discovered myself and come out. i did not plan fearing for my life, my identity, literally every single second of the day. i know some already have to deal with that, and i know i already have to be careful, but this is a whole new level of fear.

and i’m currently in the depths of recovery from both SH and the beginning stages of an ED, both of which are constantly on my mind, same with SI, and now i have this. this was not a good timing at all. i’m terrified i might lose my internal battle before they can come for me, because of the fear that they will. (i’ll keep living, if purely in rebellion of them and in the intention to give my fellows hope and strength.)

but do i go stealth? i don’t pass, people will misgender me. should i not correct them when they do?

or should i wear my pronoun pin? should i do trans themed makeup when i go out? should i patch up some pants of mine, covered in patches that are speaking about the rights to my very existence?

or should i detransition for the time being? should i, to the outside world, become a girl?

should i just simply exist as i always have?

i don’t know what to do. i’m terrified. i want to help, help make some random queer stranger feel not so alone when they see my pronoun pin, help trans kids who are still in the closet know that we are still living when they see me out and about, help rebel against those who hate my every breath on this earth. but i don’t want to be killed. i don’t want my boyfriend, my sibling, (both of which are as equally queer as i am, only one is “visibly” so), my mom, to have to mourn someone, and see their loved one go down with history.

i have a life i want to live. what do i have to do to have it? what do i have to do in order to breathe anymore?

i’m terrified. i am. i really, truly am. and i’m unsure of what to do next, but i think my mind is pretty made up.

i’ll wear my pronoun pin. i’ll patch up some pants of mine. i’ll paint my face with trans themed makeup. i’ll live visibly queer and transgender. i’ll get on Testosterone. i’ll grow facial hair and i’ll speak deeply, as my chest is still visible.

i have every right to live my life as who i am, and to shout that from the treetops if i have to.

and i want all my queer, trans fellows to remember, and keep in mind, you are not alone. we have been here before, our community has been here before. we survived it ten million times before, now we have to survive it again and i’m unfortunately sure this is not the last time we’ll have to.

my advice: stick together. i know we’re all a bunch of socially awkward people, but this is your time to make connections. any trans or queer person, you two are now buddies, best friends, you have each other’s backs, and are always there for one another when they come to you randomly about anything under the sun. if you need someone like that right now, i’m your new buddy, i’m your new best friend, come to me any time of the day. if you aren’t in a situation where you can safely be out and the danger of your outness is pretty much entirely confirmed, don’t be out to those people/the public. if you can pass, pass. if you are visibly trans or queer, and you do have a safe/r place to do so, do so if you want to. but most of all, don’t give up on yourselves. it’s gonna be a rough 4 years, but i can promise you, we’re gonna survive, and that means you have to live. it’s hard, no one said it would be easy, but we got this. you are worthy of love, of acceptance, of support, of everything they say we aren’t. there is nothing wrong with you, and you don’t deserve death of any kind. if i keep living, you keep living. we can do this together, too.

we’re gonna get through this, together. STICK TO EACH OTHER LIKE GLUE, THEY WANT US SEPARATED SO WE HAVE LESS POWER!!!

[tetzoro]

hiya friendz !! happy monday lovelies !! i’m buzzing in to wish you all the best week ahead and giving you guys big big hugs !! i will be on a hiatus for a little while. see you soon 🤍 take care of yourselves & each other ! ✨

[gtliveoutofcontext]

I can’t edit for SH*T so I’m begging someone to make a “they both reach for the gun edit” of Matpat and the new hosts/ash and the ‘Gun’ is the channels. Idc if it doesn’t really make sense, it’s been in my mind whenever I hear the sound but I’m terrible at editing😭

[seventh-district]

so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh

[rawbin-hsr]

Jesus Christ bro just received the most aggressive ask in my inbox confronting me about how I write Aventurine and demanding proof for why I interpret him the way I do 😭😭 I’m not good at making straight up analytical content but ig I’m gonna have to try to do it so I can support my own ideas because ig it’s not fair of me to say things about him without backing myself up. I wouldn’t mind if they hadn’t been so hostile like pls I like to think I’m pretty reasonable you don’t need to yell at me 😞

[sincerelyaudri]

Dridri!!! Baby!! I’ve been missing you so much since our night out~~ looked so pretty then!! You’ve been doin okay yeah? Nothin concerning? I’ll kiss away each and every one of your worries, yeah?

— @kiryucutie

i’m…doing! i’m definitely doing! 🥹👍🏼

[cas---2y5]

I am once again neglecting my physical and mental health to finish an ambitious project on an impossible timeline I’m sore and exhausted and dehydrated and either overeating or not eating at all. be normal about my hobbies challenge failed immediately

[floral-hex]

ayyyyyyy I set up an appointment for medication this Friday (telemedicine but whatever) and I get to see my former therapist again later this month. I’m kind of excited. More than kind of. Little sad, but I’m lonely and want to talk to someone. He’s a real cool dude. I’m a little worried to trauma dump the last 6 months on him, but whatever, it beats sitting there for an hour feeling like I’m wasting his time and struggling to think of things to say. dang dang dang, I’m excited.

[tonariofjananda]

What’s she listening to?

WIP, prolly gonna line and color this in later but I like how this looks so far c:

[sluttyten]

Romantic/dating anxiety is definitely a thing (to me). I just steed into the dating world for the first time last year at the ripe age of 26 and when I tell you I’ve been anxious every time I’ve matched with someone/received a message complimenting me before we can even have a conversation/agreed to a date… it’s intense to say the least but I believe in us!

Definitely definitely a thing, like I’ve managed to give myself a decent stomachache just by overthinking this since it happened.

I don’t know what to do lmao because I have 0 experience, and like I just texted my best friend about, I shoot down every person that ever asks for my number or shows interest in me but then I also literally am always like…. looking for someone to be interested in me, but also like as soon as I know for sure they’re interested I don’t want them to be, and also I think I just feel awkward if the person is younger than me, so like when one of my coworkers clearly had a crush on me but he was like 5 or 6 years younger than me so I felt that was weird, and then this guy I don’t even know how old he is either so like that feels fucking awkward to me because nobody ever thinks I am my age, which right now I’m 27 😭 and the other day a girl I work with thought I was 23, which is a compliment but also like I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that much younger than me 😭😭

[void-tiger]

Well…if there’s one (1) good thing about having a crush, it’s that when I’m (for the moment anyway) not worrying about the other person’s boundaries and terror about whether I’ve stomped on them or not + my own frustration at how slow things are to just communicate verbally and directly instead of constantly dancing around nonverbal reads (that are two-way, I suppose but still no substitute, can still mean just about anything)…

…yeah. I do let myself be selfish. Acknowledge what I want instead of burying it so deeply away from my consciousness to not “take up space” I suppose. Finally give myself some damn permission to fall in love with another person “despite” being ace, and “despite” being chronically ill and struggling with my mental health.

And what is it I want?

To feel cared for. Cherished. By someone here. To wake up and have someone greet me with a gentle embrace mindful of the constant chronic pain especially in the mornings to not accidentally pinch things, but not treating me like glass, either. To be given autonomy instead of having it taken away—to do things together, FUN things, without being made to feel guilty about that “taking away” spoons from chores or “well why won’t you just work a job then!” but also respecting my need to rest periodically or take a longer rest after the fact.

To feel heard. To trust that there’s love enough for us to disagree and feel angry and frustrated and sad around eachother and with eachother without judgement, without the risk that things are forever one disagreement or misunderstanding away from falling apart completely or worse.

And please tease me. Teasing is a love language just as much as communication and encouragement and acts of service and finally being held. It’s verbal play, and I trust you to not bully me.

And…I’ve shown as much as I can, I think. I know you’re trying to mirror at least some of it. And I think I’m reading you correctly, but I wish I understood why you seem so terrified to talk directly to me.

[urbanfiltered]

i cannot stop talking huh

[cleocatrablossy]

Absbevejishevebsb

Fucking great. Staying in California for summer might now be fucking up my holidays. Because I only get to see some of my cousins during the break that I’m in California and now my stepmom wants me in Texas for part of that break. Because I can see them “any time”. I see them once a fucking year. I can only really ever see them once a fucking year, the only exception ever was for my uncles birthday when we all went to Vegas. Otherwise, it’s once a year. And I can “always come back” to Texas if my summer plans don’t work out, LIKE FUCK THAT. The summer plans are: ‘stay in California and hang out with friends and my mom and just not be homesick for once. Also as a bonus maybe pull off getting a job. And go down to the boardwalk and hike’. THERE IS NO WORLD WHERE THE KEY PARTS OF THIS WON’T WORK OUT. But I keep only citing getting a job, and a volunteer opportunity, and summer classes to get ahead a bit as my reasons for staying. Maybe I should just stop sparing their feelings and say I just want to stay in California, because that’s where my whole fucking life is. And despite their best efforts, Texas is not my home and I don’t like being here. I’m only not having a breakdown because with enough hiding in my room and going on hikes I can convince myself it’s sort of like back home. And I can spend enough time on the swing that my brain just stops long enough that it’s not hitting fully.

At least I only have 1 more full day of this. Then on Sunday I’m catching a plane right back home. And today I’m joining a call with me friends to finally finish our D&D campaign, but it’s not going to be the same because it’s going to be over a call and we’re going to have to mind my 6 year old brother.

Holy fucking shit. Someone should have warned me that the custody issues would be the worst part of having divorced parents, maybe I would have been able to convince them not to move. Maybe that would have made it worse

[baltimorebullets]