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yeolmae-s · 3 years ago

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a chanbaek analysis from a veteran exo-l (part 2)

CLICK HERE TO READ PART ONE

Writing this was a bit harder in comparison to the first part, because I wanted to organize things into a neat timeline, but I ended up not having enough patience for it lol specially because both of ChanBaek's main archive blogs seem to have deleted their pages documenting each date of EXO's early years. Therefore I apologize in advance if this part is a bit more messy. Also, please don't forget that all of this is my opinion and I don't mean for any of it to be taken as truth!

I kind of want to jump from MAMA era directly into Wolf era, since we don't really have a lot of cover regarding their debut phase besides Chanyeol's overeagerness and Baekhyun's awkwardness towards it, so to sum it up, I felt as if Chanyeol was more confident and consistent on what he thought an idol should act like, while Baekhyun (sweet, innocent Baekhyun who was a trainee for less than a year!) was still unsure on how to act on camera.

On the few early variety shows/interviews EXO appeared on, the members always pointed out how funny Baekhyun was, how good he'd be at variety and at doing imitations, but he never really lived up to all the praise on camera, although off of it, he most likely was as good as his members claimed.

He was a bit stiff on his early days in comparison to what we see today, and that's normal, I guess, since he debuted really quickly, but when you compare him to Chanyeol the contrast is so interesting, because the latter was able to latch on to a persona as soon as the public gave him one, while to me, Baekhyun was still doubtful regarding what to put on display. In the end, deep inside, Baekhyun is a private person, and was even more so when he wasn't confident enough to talk to fans like he does today.

Once again, I’m sorry for not being able to upload the gifs directly into the post, so I’ll just link them like I did on my last one.

This is another one of the moments where Baek appears to tell Chanyeol to just. Hold on for a bit.

There's another one similar to this where Chanyeol does the same thing (try to whisper on Baekhyun's ear) and Baekhyun fake laughs and stares at a fan's camera right after. Then, his expression just goes blank. It's really interesting to watch because you can just see the gears spinning on Chanyeol's brain as he stares at Baekhyun for a second and clearly thinks alright, fanservice time, and leans in to whisper something: it happens so fast you just know it wasn't genuine whispering, just a playful interaction for the fans, and Baekhyun's direct stare to the camera as soon as it happens just confirms this for me.

1: Chanyeol spots his target.

2: He’s really thinking this through.

3: Baek's in a perfect position for whispering-time, so he leans in and does his thing.

4: Baekhyun laughs.

5: And stares directly at a fan's camera.

6: Immediately regrets his life choices. Chanyeol looks pleased.

It's actually better to watch the whole thing, so I'll leave it here. (starts on 0:28!)

(Random note: on this date EXO perfomed a cover of H.O.T's We Are The Future, and I feel like a lot of new EXO-Ls have not seem it and I adore this performance, so I'll link it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1-z4s3fdgo)

Now let's jump on to Wolf era, shall we?

Wolf era

I can't help but laugh when I think about how wild 2013 was for both EXO and EXO-Ls. They had their first hit song (which was Growl, not Wolf) the fandom grew considerably, shippers where just discovering the cute ISAC moments between "BaekYeol" and "HunHan"... Or at least that's how everyone remembers most of what happened during that year.

Are we forgetting the rumoured ChanBaek fight?

Considering their past interactions on airports, SMTOWN concerts, ISAC and other events, ChanBaek was now widely known to be close to each other. Baekhyun even said Chanyeol was the one who made him open up, and both of them mentioned feeling this "connection" to each other as soon as they met (although jokingly).

After Mama, the fandom was content-less for a considerable period of time, and what most people did was sharing around old performances and repeat overused memes. I think that in every fandom there is a period where fans establish their main inside jokes and basically just get together to create a collective line of thought for perceiving their idols. That being said, one of the most well established facts in the fandom was that Chanyeol and Baekhyun were close. That was a fact.But then Wolf came, and they suddenly were not.

This gif is a good example of how awkward their interactions were. Not even my delusional shipping brain in 2013 was able to come up with an explanation for it.

They simply did not acknowledge each other at all, and Chanyeol appeared to be closer to Kyungsoo (I think Baekhyun interacted a lot with Tao, but that may have been during the Growl era, not Wolf. As I said before, I'm a Chanyeol stan guys, sorry lmao).

Point is, these two boys who seemed to be best friends suddenly were clearly distant from one another.

What added fuel to the fire of the rumours was their appearance on Sukira, a radio show, where Sehun cried because the members sometimes had fights. Here's a fanacc:

[130530] EXO at Sukira

Sehun cried because the members sometimes fight.

Sehun: "Let's be loyal to each other, don't fight, and go until the end"

D.O: "We've been under a lot of stress lately because of the comeback, so I wish we won't fight in the future and do our best"

Here's a video cut of this part of their interview.

I think this ask on lets-talk-baekyeol, a popular ChanBaek analysis blog from back in the day, shows how curious a lot of fans were.

What happened back then?

There's really no answer for that. On my opinion, not even Chanyeol or Baekhyun could give us a concrete answer on it, because I don't think an actual fight happened. For me, it was most likely a personality clash, a disagreement that probably wasn't even voiced out loud, just both of them noticing how uncomfortable things got, if Baekhyun's reactions to Chanyeol's fanservice is any indication. I somehow doubt there was a specific episode that created this distance between them, specially because during Growl, they went back to being friends, although not as touchy on camera as before, as if one of them had established their limits (oh, I wonder who!), but I still have this feeling that all of this was unspoken, because unspoken things seem to be a pattern on ChanBaek's relationship (something I'll touch on later, hopefully).

But it was during Growl era that I noticed something else about Baekhyun.

Wolf era

EXO'S Showtime was a such a gift. I recommend reading lets-talk-baekyeol's blog for this. I don't really agree with everything they say they do present a lot of relevant points. I may repeat them here, since I noticed them myself as well, but credits for them nonetheless.

I remember finding the lack of ChanBaek interactions during the episodes really dissappointing, but considering the Wolf Era drought, this was better than nothing.

My 13 year old self was devastated when Baekhyun appeared so quiet during Chanyeol's birthday episode, and during a recent rewatch of it, I think realized why.

Baekhyun doesn't like superficial things. It's not that Chanyeol is insincere, but he's just better than Baekhyun is at handling people pleasing, even when he doesn't really mean what's he saying/doing. The Chanyeol birthday episode was heavily centered on Chanyeol's random admiration for Kai, which I think we can all agree that it was a little bit scripted or a really spur of the moment thing that they just ran along with and oh man. Baekhyun did not want to be part of it.

During ChanKai's hug, this is what he looked like on the background, and the poor boy even refused to eat cake. He's just in the back, which is weird, because he's such a talkative person and Chanyeol is one of his closest friends. The only moment where he seems to be genuinely comfortable is when Chanyeol blows the candle and it's really cute. To me, it seems that he was kind of embarrassed to witness so much acting from everyone else and was unable to participate because he struggles with things like this, but the moment Chanyeol blows his candles to comemorate his birthday seems sincere enough for him to fondly smile.

This ties in so well with everything from Mama Era. He's just unable to keep acting/people pleasing on the same easy way that Chanyeol does, but this time he's not as nervous about it as he was on his earlier-early days, where he probably felt pressured to actually do stuff. Now he just doesn't do **it, he just doesn't do something that he dislikes doing, and that sadly creates a distance between them on camera and probably on a deeper level in their relationship as well, because both are just realizing how different their perceptions over their jobs is.

There's also this moment that the mods on lets-talk-baekyeol pointed out.

On the Christmas episode, when the members leave the couch to go get their presents, Chanyeol stays seated while Baekhyun gets up to fetch his. This is the sitting arrangement before (almost) everyone got up:

But when Baekhyun comes back, there's free space next to Chanyeol, however he's hesitant to sit by his side. He actually hesitates and doesn't sit down. Jongdae even gives him a little push right after.

Baek just seems hesitant to do things on camera, to interact with Chanyeol in front of an audience. For this moment, I feel like he's afraid to sit next to Chanyeol and end up having to over act. It's not that Chanyeol himself makes him uncomfortable, but the image of the friendship that they ended up creating for fans demands a lot from him.

And when I say hesitant to do things on camera, I really do mean it, because when Baekhyun thinks he is not being recorded/seen, here's what he does:

Here and here.

Their relationship clearly changed, and I think the reason for it is actually simple: both of them were under the impression that they were compatible with each other when they actually were not. Their personalities are extremely different, even if the way they present themselves is sometimes similar. Wolf and Growl era was our way, as fans, of watching them navigate around each other and finding out how their relationship was supposed to work.

And you know what's nice about that? The members watched all of it unfold. Their reactions to some of ChanBaek's interaction is a gold mine when it comes to analyzing them, because they clearly know, just as we do, that their relationship is kind of complicated. But I want to talk about it on the next part.

I am sorry for cutting this off again! I don't know if the next part is going to be the last, because after Growl there's Overdose and we all know what happened on 2014 [coughs] dating scandal [coughs] god help me I don't want to talk about it [coughs] so there's a lot to uncover and I need time to organize stuff.

Thank you for reading!

#chanbaek #baekyeol #baekhyun #chanyeol #park chanyeol #byun baekhyun #exo #kpop

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leossmoonn · 4 years ago

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Unexpected Love [Kai Parker] || Part One

masterlist

pairing - kai parker x fem, human!reader

type - fluff, angst

note / request - this request is by @mrs-parker-1972 “The reader is on the other side with the others, and gets trapped there with bonnie and damon, or you can just skip to part when all three of them are in the prison world. So i am not really sure on how the reader meets kai, but you can improvise that part, I trust you. And then well, um, the reader and kai will hate each other and despise each other (damon and bonnie are in the real time world I guess?) And then kai does something human for the reader (you know, coz he doesn't have feelings) and it wakes something in him and the reader and kai grow close to each other, and I really don't know what else, but like can you, make their time in the prison world longer?? (Kai and the reader's) . And please it would be hilarious if you could add some comedic lines if damon, coz you know, damon is damon. And it would be AWESOME if you added the deleted scene of kai Parker where he is really emotional, and he says that after the reader touches a really soft spot about his child hood. And please make the reader human.”

note - so i was planning on just rewatching the 6th season and copying scenes but i discovered it would take so long lol, so i split this into a 4 parts. i also didn’t really copy anything from the show, just the scene at the end. so most of this is just my writing. part two is at the end and word count is 7k+

summary - you and kai fall in love over a period of time after spending time with each other in the prison world

warnings / includes - language, alcohol, crying, fighting,

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*gif isn't mine*

“Maybe if you didn’t take so long to look for Alaric, we would still be alive!” I exclaimed.

“Hey, you’re the one who insisted that you have a whole conversation with Lexi about the last few years,” Damon spat.

“Yeah, but we were both already with Bonnie. You were miles away!”

“You two stop it!” Bonnie shouted, putting her hands up in-between Damon and I.

“No, Damon needs to know that this is his fault,” I glared.

“Oh, hardly. Why were you even there, again?” Damon asked.

“Because you twisted my neck, jackass. Which thank you, by the way,” you smiled sourly.

“Man, I wish you weren’t wearing that ring. You being dead right now would really-”

“Damon!” Bonnie yelled again. “I’m serious. You two need to stop. You’re giving me a headache.”

“Not my fault,” I mumbled, looking down at the road.

“Liar,” Damon said not-so-quietly.

“Before you two start again, let me remind you that I’m scared and mad, too. We can’t just fight the whole time, though. We need to see if we can get out. You two have been fighting about this for months, so stop,” Bonnie said.

“We’re dead, Bon-Bon. We can’t get out,” Damon said.

I rolled my eyes and started to walk away from them. I couldn’t stand Damon.

“Where are you going?” Damon exclaimed.

“To look for a way out, and to get away from you!” I yelled without looking back.

“See? She’s useless,” Damon muttered behind my back.

I let out a long, distressed sigh. “I’m going back home.”

“Same. I need some food,” Bonnie said, catching up with me.

We walked for miles until we got to Damon’s house. I was sweating and panting by the time we got there. We had no cars so it was a good 5 mile walk.

“Need any water?” Damon asked as we walked inside his house.

“Yes, please,” I breathed out.

I trudged over to the couch, flopping down and taking my sneakers off. Damon came back over with a big class of cold water. I smiled at him gratefully, standing up to take it. Damon had other ideas, though. He lifted the glass up to the top of his head, making it hard for me to grab it.

“Oh, c’mon. You’re such a dick!” I whined, jumping up. My fingertips skimmed the bottom the glass, but I still was just a little too short to grab it.

“Say that magic words,” Damon smirked.

I rolled my eyes. “Thank you, oh great wise one.”

Damon smiled happily, setting the glass down on the table.

“Jerk,” I muttered, taking a long sip of the water.

“You love me!” Damon sang. “Nope,” I shook my head.

“Hey, we need to get more food,” Bonnie stated from the kitchen.

“Then go and get it, Bon-Bon,” Damon muttered.

“I was just about to, Damon,” Bonnie spat.

“Maybe you can go and learn magic again, too,” Damon snickered.

I turned my head to him. glaring. “Wow, you are just full of shit today. Huh, Damon?”

Damon rolled his eyes at my insult. “Yeah, well, I don’t want to be stuck here. I want to see Elena.”

“And you will! Who knows, maybe I’ll get my magic back. While I’m out I’ll go and practice magic,” Bonnie shrugged off Damon’s insult.

“Good idea. I’ll go with you,” I smiled, standing up and slipping back on my shoes.

“With all do respect Bonnie, you haven’t been able to do magic ever since you became the anchor. What makes you think you can do it now?” Damon asked.

“Just have faith, Damon. She can do it. I know it,” I smiled at Bonnie, who smiled gratefully back at me.

“Fine. But are you guys gonna leave me all alone?” Damon whined.

“Yep,” I nodded, walking over to the door.

“Who’s the rude one now?” Damon challenged. I put a finger up to my chin and hummed, pretending that I was thinking hard. I then put on a charming smile.

“Still you. Ready Bonnie?” I turned to the girl next to me who was putting on a jacket.

“Yep. See you later, Damon,” Bonnie smiled and waved.

“See you,” I nodded.

Damon waved goodbye as we shut the door behind us. I walked with Bonnie until we split off. She went to her grandmother’s house, while I went to the little supermarket a few miles out.

Walking there was a pain in the ass. I had my car keys with me, but I couldn’t seem to find my car. Even though this place had everything else; Damon’s house, my house, Bonnie’s grandmother’s house. Even Elena’s house. Just not my car, which pissed me off, but I knew I couldn’t start to get mad again. Getting angry and upset wouldn’t help us get out of here.

I walked up to the supermarket and entered the market, expecting someone to be at the register, but no one was there. I laughed at myself for expecting someone. Every time I’ve gone out, I’ve always expected to see people. But I remind myself that I’m dead. Of course no one would be here. We were all alone. Those cars outside were just there because this was just a very real, very confusing after-life.

I grabbed a shopping cart and started getting the stuff we needed. Eggs, milk, fruit, vegetables, bread. I then got some soda and water bottle cases, some bags of chips and sweets. I went over to the frozen food section and got a few microwavable dinners and some ingredients to make food like chilli and tacos. I went around the store once more, making sure I got everything we needed. I passed one shelf, stopping once I realised that something was missing.

“I thought there were pork rinds here,” I muttered.

Merry-go-round music then started to play. I turned a full 360, trying to see if there was anybody in the store with me. No one was here. I went outside of the store, seeing the little merry-go-round spinning.

“That’s weird,” I mumbled.

I heard the sound of flapping and my head snapped to the sound. I saw someone pass by in a flash. Goosebumps sprung up on my arms and the hairs on the back of my neck raised. I got this uneasy feeling in my stomach as my mind went to disturbing thoughts.

“Hello?” I called out.

I walked further into the parking lot, hearing the noise again. I sighed as I realised it was probably just Damon pulling a prank on me.

“Very funny, Damon! You’ve freaked me out, good job. You can come out now!” I exclaimed, my eyes searching the open area.

The merry-go-round came to a stop and I let out a deep breath to try and calm myself down. Bonnie, Damon, and I were the only ones here. No one was going to hurt me… Right?

The merry-go-round music started up again suddenly. I jumped in surprise and fear, doing another 360.

“Must be on a timer,” I muttered.

“False,” an unfamiliar, matter-of-fact voice spoke behind me.

I froze in my spot, afraid to turn around as I knew that definitely wasn’t Damon.

“Don’t be scared. I won’t hurt you,” the voice said, getting closer to me.

The person appeared in front of me. I stiffened up more as the voice belonged to a man. A very attractive man, might I add. He had a big, teasing smile on his face. His blue eyes danced around my face, studying me as I studied him. He had brown hair that was combed up, wearing jeans, a black t-shirt, a green jacket and carrying a bag of pork rinds.

“Oh, you’re the one who stole the pork rinds. Who are you?” I asked. “I’m Kai,” the man held his free hand out.

My eyes flickered down to his arm and back up to his eyes. I put my hand out gingerly, slipping my hand into his slowly. I kept eye contact as we shook hands. My stomach did flips as we touched.

“Nice to meet you, Kai. I’m Y/n,” I offered him a friendly smile.

“Oh, I know,” Kai shrugged. I furrowed my brows, instinctively pulling my hand away from his.

“How?” I asked.

“I’ve been watching you and your friends for a while,” he admitted.

“Oh,” I said, my eyes wide in shock.

“Yep! It’s so nice to have friends now. Man, I have been really lonely,” he chuckled.

“We aren’t friends. And what do you mean you’ve been lonely. Are you dead, too? Have you been stuck here as long as us, too?” I asked.

Kai frowned, stepping closer to me. “Why all the questions? Don’t you want to get to know me?”

“Um,” I shifted uncomfortably on my feet, stepping back so there was distance between us.

“Am I making you uncomfortable? Sorry about that. It’s been a while since I’ve had face-to-face type human interaction,” he chuckled, looking down to the ground.

“No, it’s fine. Anyways, are you dead, too?” I repeated one of my burning questions.

“No! I am very much alive. Well, I think so. You can kiss me to find out, though,” he flirted.

I felt the tip of my ears grow warm as his suggestion. “No, thanks.”

“Oh! I’m doing it again. God, sorry. You are just so pretty and i get nervous when I’m around girls. Especially ones like you.”

I chuckled, my grip on the shopping cart tightening. “So, you said you have been lonely. For how long, exact?”

“Long time. I’m not sure. It’s 1994, though,” he explained.

My eyes bulged out of my head. “What?! It’s 1994?”

“Yep. There’s literally newspapers everywhere,” he snorted.

“Well, I haven’t really been observant, I guess. What are we doing in 1994?”

“We’re stuck!” He explained. “Oh, damn,” I muttered.

“Yeah, it sucks, but now you guys are here to keep me company!” He grinned.

I smiled politely at him, getting ready to turn around and go back home. “Right. Well, I gotta go. My friends are expecting me for dinner. Maybe you could uh… You could um, come to dinner?”

His eyes widened in surprise. I kept on my smile, shifting the weight in my feet.

“Really?” He asked.

“Yeah, why not! Um, chilli sound good?” I asked. “Perfect. I’ll bring drinks,” he suggested.

“Sounds great. Well, um, see you later?” I proposed, getting ready to turn around.

“Yep,” he smiled. “Great,” I chuckled, looking down shyly. I began to turn around, but Kai stopped me.

“Why don’t I drive you there? It’d be tedious of you to carry the cart all the way home, right?” Kai asked.

I turned back around, “Um… Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Are you sure, though?”

“Positive.”

My smiled widely, giggling a little. “Well, yeah, I’d really appreciate it.”

“Great. My car’s over here,” He said and pointed to a dark blue Chevy.

“Wow, this is a really cool car,” I said, wheeling the car to it. “Yeah, I know,” he smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets.

I opened up the trunk and loaded the groceries in the car. I then walked over to the passenger seat and got in, buckling and waiting for Kai to get in the driver’s seat. We got to Damon’s place in 10 minutes. I was very thankful I had met him, even though he was a little bit of a weirdo. Kai parked in the entry way and he helped me take in the groceries.

“Hey, Damon! Is Bonnie home yet?” I called out.

“Yeah! I am,” Bonnie came out from the kitchen. Her smile faltered as he saw Kai standing next to me. “Who, uh, who is this?” “Oh!” I giggled. “This is Kai. We met at the supermarket.”

“Oh, really? Hi, Kai,” Damon narrowed his eyes at him.

“Hi, Damon!” Kai said cheerfully. “How the hell do you know my name?” Damon asked.

“Oh, he’s just uh… He’s just been observing us and stuff,” I explained.

“Hm, not creepy at all,” Damon muttered. “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Kai. Are you joining us for dinner?” Bonnie asked.

“Yeah, I hope that’s okay,” Kai said. “Yeah! It’s fine, guys, right?” I asked.

“Sure,” Bonnie nodded.

“Great! I brought drinks, too,” he said, holding a bag filled with bourbon and whiskey.

“Great, but we already have some,” Damon said, gesturing to the liquor cabinets.

“Oh,” Kai frowned. “But it’s fine! We’ll drink your’s,” I said.

“Great,” Kai perked up again. “Let’s get dinner started, yeah?” I suggested, walking over to the kitchen.

Everyone nodded in agreement and helped with dinner. Kai mostly helped. Damon got bored in the middle and went to his room to do God know’s what, while Bonnie went to sit on the couch and watch 90′s classics.

“Thanks for helping with dinner,” I said. “No problem. You are an amazing cook,” Kai complimented.

“You haven’t even tasted the food,” I chuckled.

“Well, you seem to know the recipe and whatnot. And it smells amazing.”

“Well, thank you,” I smiled, turning and looked at him.

My eyes met his and a wave of butterflies washed over me. I looked into his mysterious blue eyes, getting lost in them quickly.

“Is dinner done yet?” Damon asked, interrupting the moment.

I jumped away from Kai in an instant, hanging my head low in embarrassment.

“Yeah,” I muttered, walking away and getting bowls out. I poured the chilli in each bowl, bringing them to the table with a glasses of Kai’s alcohol.

“Dig in.” I sprinkled cheese over my chilli.

“Let me take a sip of this bourbon first,” Damon said, holding the glass up skeptically. He brought the glass up to his lips, taking a slow and small sip. As soon as the bourbon touched his lips, he dropped the glass on the floor and his hand flew to his throat.

“Oh, my God. Damon, are you okay?” I jumped up from my seat, running over to him.

“V-Vervain,” Damon gasped. “Vervain… What?” I gulped, my eyes immediately meeting with Kai’s.

“You!” I pointed. “Oops,” Kai chuckled, getting out of his seat.

“Not so fast,” Bonnie said, grabbing his arm to sit him back down. Kai grabbed her arm, too. Bonnie started screaming and holding his hand in pain.

“What? What are you doing to her!” I exclaimed, going over to them.

“Taking her magic,” Kai shrugged. “What! B-But… How?” I asked.

“She’s a witch, so am I. Well, not exactly. I’m more of what you say… a siphon,” he explained as if I was supposed to know.

“Well, whatever are you, get off of her!” I yelled, taking ahold of his jacket and pulling him away. I stumbled back, still holding onto him.

“I wasn’t done yet!” Kai whined.

“I don’t care! You were hurting her,” I glared at him, shoving him out of the way and going to Bonnie.

“Hey, did he burn you? Let’s get your arm under some water,” I said, grabbing her shoulder gently.

“No, I’m not burned. It just hurt like hell. Ugh! Why did you do that?!” Bonnie exclaimed angrily at Kai.

“Because I needed the power to do this,” Kai said, holding up his hand. He made the bottle of bourbon float up and poured it all over Damon.

“Stop!” I shrieked, running over to shove his arm down, but he sent me flying across the room with his other hand.

“Sorry, princess, but I can’t let you ruin this,” Kai said.

I groaned, holding the back of my head. “Screw you.”

“Oh, I wish you could,” Kai winked at you.

I gagged in disgust and got up slowly, groaning at the paining my back. “Not anymore.” Kai chuckled will finishing pouring the bottle of bourbon on Damon, then lifting him up and throwing him against the wall.

“B-Bonnie. D-Do mag-gic,” Damon whimpered. “Yeah, please do,” I nodded, balancing myself on the island counter.

“Yeah, please do, Bonnie. Please humiliate yourself in front of your friends. It’s so sad that you can’t do magic. I’ve been watching you for weeks now. What’s even the point of you trying? What’re you gonna do, fail at me? It’s embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for you,” Kai taunted her.

Bonnie gave him a death glare and looked around the room, spotting a few candles. She closed her eyes and held up her hand. “Phasmatos Incendia.”

I watched in amazement as the candles lit. Bonnie then turned to Kai, who had a shocked look on his face. She grinned at him, cocking her head to the side.

“I’m embarrassed for you,” she mocked him.

“Dammit,” Kai muttered. “Looks like I have to kill you now. I was planning on for that to be later.” “Oh, no you don’t,” Damon remarked, getting up slowly. He then sped over to Kai and before Kai could react, Bonnie held Kai’s arms back while Damon punched Kai.

“You’re going down, wacko,” Damon muttered, taking Kai’s head in his hands and slamming him down on the floor, knocking Kai out.

“Are you okay, Damon?” I asked immediately. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s get him chained up,” Damon said.

“Yeah, okay,” I nodded, going over and lifting Kai up form under his arms.

“Good job, Bon-Bon. About time,” Damon patted Bonnie on the back.

“Thanks,” Bonnie gave him a small smile.

Bonnie helped me chain up Kai to a chair, Damon going on the couch to heal and rest.

“I can’t believe you liked him,” Damon spoke up after a while.

“I didn’t,” I protested. “You sure? You were drooling all over him when he first came into the house. You're type is crazy,” Damon smirked.

I rolled my eyes, wanting to change the subject. “I think the whiskey he brought also has vervain in it.”

“He’s right, Y/n. You have horrible taste in guys,” Bonnie teased.

I scoffed. “Un-called for! Damon’s supposed to be the rude one.”

“It’s not being rude if I’m telling the truth,” Bonnie smirked. “Yeah, well, I guess I liked him. Not anymore, though,” I sighed, sitting down on the couch next to Damon.

“Good. We would definitely have had to take you to therapy,” Damon smirked.

I laughed with him, letting out a long sigh. “I just still can’t believe there is someone here with us.” “Yeah, and he’s a psycho,” Damon spat.

“What're we gonna do with him when he wakes up?” I asked.

“Interrogate him. See what he knows, what he wants, how to get out of here,” Damon answered.

“Well, I know a little bit about what he knows,” I said. “We’re in 1994.”

“Yeah, I know,” Damon muttered. “What, how?” I asked.

“While you were gone we found a newspaper. Apparently, we have been re-living May 10th since we got here,” Bonnie said sourly.

“Oh. Great,” I shook my head. “Anything else you guys found out?”

“Yes, actually. Kai is a murderer,” Bonnie said. She grabbed a newspaper from the coffee table and held it up to my face. She pointed to the left side where there were four headshots of teenagers.

“Family Massacred in Portland. The only one missing was the oldest boy. A 22 year-old named Malachai,” I read aloud. I then looked up to Kai who was still knocked out. “I-Is he Malachai?”

“All signs point to yes,” Damon said. “My God. I liked a murderer? Jesus, what is wrong with me?” I muttered, setting the newspaper down.

“Really? Your type in men is what you’re worried about?” Damon scoffed.

I smiled a little. “No, no! It’s just… Weird to me. Anyways, if he knows the way out, we have to get out without him, okay?”

“Deal,” Bonnie nodded.

“Do you guys want to go to bed?” I asked. “Well, someone has to stay and watch,” Damon gestured to Kai.

“Why don’t you. You’re the immortal,” I nudged his shoulder.

“Fine. I’ll alert you guys when he wakes up,” Damon said.

“Great. Thanks, Damon,” Bonnie smiled. “Mhm. No prob!” Damon exclaimed as Bonnie and I climbed up the stairs.

“He is kinda cute,” Bonnie said once we reached one the guest bedroom.

“Who? Damon?” I asked. “No, Kai,” Bonnie explained.

I raised my brows, my mouth formed in the shape of an ‘O’.

“What?” Bonnie asked. “I cannot believe you just said that about our enemy. You’re never this two-faced,” I smirked.

Bonnie rolled her eyes, “Yeah, well, he’s still a sociopath.”

“True that. Hey, wanna have a sleepover? Maybe have some fun,” I suggested.

“Yes! Oh, I wish that Care and Elena were here,” Bonnie sighed.

“Me, too, Bon. We’ll get to see them soon, though.” I put a hand on her shoulder.

“I hope,” Bonnie smiled. I smiled back and went to the closet, finding a pair of sweats and a tank top. Bonnie and I got ready for bed, staying up for a good hour talking, finally passing out across the bed.

I was the first one to wake up. I rose up slowly and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. Once I opened them fully, I looked around the room with complete confusion. Once I looked at the clock, though, I finally realised that I was in a repeating loop of May 10th, 1994. You’d think waking up for months in this place, I would get used to it, but I really never have. Not yet, at least.

“Disappointing, right?” Bonnie spoke next to me. I turned, chuckling in agreement. “Most definitely.”

“At least we got a full night’s sleep. It’s 10 AM,” Bonnie said. “True,” I nodded, getting up and stretching.

“Let’s go and see the sociopath living downstairs,” I groaned.

“I’ll need coffee before I see him,” Bonnie said, getting up and putting on a robe.

“Oh, me, too,” I chuckled.

We both went downstairs after freshening up, going to the kitchen immediately.

“Um, hello? Did you forget about us?” Damon asked form the living room.

“Yep,” Bonnie smiled at him. Damon rolled his eyes, going over to us.

“Hurry up, sleeping beauties. Malachai is awake,” Damon said, his eyes going wide as he said Kai’s full name.

“Please, it’s Kai,” Kai said. “Hm, nope. I read Malachai in the newspaper,” Damon gave Kai his signature sarcastic smile.

Bonnie and I laughed at Damon defying Kai. I poured myself some coffee and made myself some eggs and toast before going over to Damon.

“Alright, I am ready to get this interrogation on,” I smiled, sitting down on the couch.

“Me, too,” Bonnie said, sitting next to me.

“Wow, you look beautiful when just waking up,” Kai complimented.

“Drop the act, weirdo,” I rolled my eyes.

“I was actually talking to the green-eyed beauty next to you,” Kai grinned.

I couldn’t help but frown. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach and I looked down at my food, picking up the toast and nibbling on the crust.

“You can still drop the act. We want answers,” Bonnie demanded.

“Ooh, you are so sexy while dominant,” Kai winked. “And you are so gross and desperate,” Bonnie stated.

“If you don’t give us answers, I’ll snap your neck,” Damon threatened.

I looked up and saw Kai pursing his lips.

“It’s so funny,” Kai stated. “What is?” Damon asked.

“Well, you three seem to hate me, yet you haven’t killed me yet,” Kai explained.

“Because we need information from you, and you are withholding for no reason,” Bonnie explained further.

“Fine. But I want Y/n to ask the questions,” Kai said, his blue eyes landing on me.

I glared at him right away. “Why me? You seem pretty infatuated with Bonnie.”

“Jealousy is not a good look on you, princess,” he spoke playfully.

I had to fight the butterflies that were swarming in my stomach. “And being annoying is not a good way for us to not kill you.”

Kai laughed, “Fair. So, what do you guys want to know?”

“Why are we here? Is this my personal hell?” Damon asked quickly.

I furrowed my brows and looked up at him. “Why do you think this is your personal hell?”

“Well, first of all my car is parked in the entry way. Yeah, I noticed that. And second… There was something bad I did during May 10th, 1994,” Damon sighed.

“Damon… What did you do?” Bonnie’s voice wavered. “Yeah, Damon, what did you do?” Kai pressed on.

“You,” Damon pointed to Kai. “Shut it. And… You guys would hate me if I told you. Like, hate me for real.”

“Oh, I bet it’s not too bad,” I smiled comfortingly.

“Nope, it’s bad,” Damon sighed. “Well, then tell us,” Bonnie pushed.

Damon sighed, walking from the back of the couch to the armchair. He slumped down. “I… I killed a pregnant woman.”

The plate that was once in my hand clattered to the ground.

“You what!?” Bonnie exclaimed.

“Not one of my best moments,” Damon sighed.

“W-Why?” I stuttered, racking my brain for any type of logical explanation.

“Cause I was mad at Stefan,” Damon shrugged. “And that justifies the fact that you killed a pregnant woman?” Bonnie shouted.

“Yeah, yeah, I know! I’m a horrible person, okay?” Damon exclaimed, shooting up from his seat.

“You’re worse than I thought. How can Elena love you!” Bonnie scoffed.

I stood up in-between them. “Okay, not the time, guys. We need to ask Kai questions.”

“And before you do that, I need you guys to get a few things for me,” Kai said.

I groaned, “What now?”

“Well, I need to make a list, and I can’t if I’m all tied up.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.” I went over to him, untying the rope. I then got a paper and pencil and handed them to him.

“Thank you, honey,” Kai gave me an eye-blinding grin.

“Yeah, whatever,” I muttered, going to the kitchen to get a dustpan to sweep up the broken pieces of the plate.

“Alright!” Kai announced after a few moments. “All done.” “Great. I’ll go out,” I said, going over and taking the paper out of his hand. Kai reached out to stop me, though.

“Nope. I want you to stay,” Kai said. “Why?” I asked.

“Because you’re so cute,” he complimented. “Shut up. I will kill you,” I sneered, jerking my arm out of his grasp.

“I’ll go. I don’t want to be around Damon,” Bonnie snarled, snatching the piece of paper.

“Bon, c’mon,” Damon said helplessly, following her to the door.

They both went out of the house. I could hear Bonnie shouting from the outside.

“Finally alone together,” Kai said.

“Yeah, no. I’m going upstairs,” I said, turning on my heels.

“If you stay I'll tell you everything,” Kai said.

I stopped in my track, turning back to him slowly. “Really?”

He nodded. “I promise.”

“Fine,” I sighed, sitting back down on the couch. Kai got up and walked over. He sat down right next to me.

I huffed and got up, sitting in the armchair.

“Fine, I’ll talk to you this way, I guess. So, what do you want to know?” Kai asked.

“Why did you kill your family?” I asked. “Well, I was born into a coven of witches. The Gemini coven, to be exact. I was the black sheep of my family. The one whose magical ability was sucking the power out of people. My family hated me. My father hated me. He never showed me love or tried to understand me,” he explained.

“And that’s why you killed your whole family? Because you never got love?” I asked.

“Yep. Basically,” he shrugged. “Not a good enough reason,” I shook my head.

“Well, what were you expecting?”

I sighed, “I don’t know.”

“Precisely. Anyways, that’s why this is my personal hell. Not Damon’s.”

“How do we get out of here?” I asked.

“Well, there’s this thing called an ascendent. That will take us home,” he explained.

“Okay, what is it?” I asked.

“A mystical relic that was created by my family. It can harnesses the power of a celestial event and creates a portal, to which we can all then go home.”

“And where is the ascendent?” I asked. “I have no idea,” Kai smiled.

“Ugh! Seriously? How are we going to get out of here now?” “Well, the stuff I asked Bonnie to get will help us. Don’t worry,” he shrugged.

“Okay, well, I’m going to go and get ready for the day,” I said, standing up.

“And you’re going to leave me here alone? What if I kill you in the shower?” Kai asked.

“Well, I need a shower. So, if you do, at least I’ll be released from this world,” I smiled sweetly, walking off.

I heard him chuckle behind me. I sighed quietly and climbed up the stairs. I could not wait to get out of there.

I came back downstairs after 30 minutes. I first looked in the living room, seeing Bonnie and Damon with Kai.

“Took you long enough,” Damon said.

I rolled my eyes, “I assume Kai filled you in?” “Yep. I have to do a spell now to find the ascendent,” Bonnie nodded.

“And we’re gonna do that with Kai having jam on his fingers?” I asked, pointing to Kai was scooping out jam with his hands.

“Well, I’m not gonna do the spell. Bonnie will. I’ll just guide her,” Kai explained.

I hummed in reply and nodded. “Alright, well, let’s get started then.”

Bonnie and Kai went to the dining room table to work. Spreading out a big map and putting some of Kai’s blood on the paper to do a locator spell.

We watched as she tried a few times before she realised the blood wasn’t moving.

“It doesn’t feel right,” she sighed. “Maybe I need bigger map.”

“Maybe you’re just out of practice, and you suck at magic now,” Damon said.

“Ignore him, Bonnie. Pretend he’s a white noise machine,” Kai said. “That’s how I used to tune out my siblings.”

“How many siblings?” I asked casually.

“Seven,” Kai answered. “You know, all of them constantly yammering. But it, uh, taught me how to focus.” He went by Bonnie, looking her in the eye, his gaze traveling down to her lips.

A pang of jealously hit my heart. I looked down at the ground, not wanting to see them kiss, if they did.

“Easy there, big brother,” Damon remarked. “She doesn’t know you. At least buy her a drink.”

Bonnie and Kai chuckled, looking at each other. I groaned quietly, going to the kitchen to get myself a drink.

“Hey! Where are you going, princess?” Kai called.

“Somewhere where you’re not,” I grumbled.

I got out a bottle of scotch, taking a swig from the bottle.

“Woah, easy there, princess,” Damon mocked the nickname Kai had given me.

I glared at him. “Do not call me that.”

“What, I can’t, but Kai can? Sounds like someone still has a crush,” Damon sang.

“I do not!”

“You sure you don’t like him? Cause I think you two would make a great fit. He’s crazy and well, you seem to like crazy.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, like you and Elena are a great fit, right? You being the one who keeps breaking up with her and all.”

I then walked past Damon and back into the living room, earning a glare from him.

“The blood’s moving towards Virginia. Can’t be right,” Kai said.

“Mm-mm. Spell’s working. It’s showing me Mystic Falls. It feels so… close,” Bonnie said, putting her hand on Kai’s jacket, candles lighting up.

“It right here,” Bonnie said, pressing her hand into his chest.

Kai took out the ascendent from his jacket pocket, an expression of shock on his face. “Very good.”

“That’s the ascendent?” I asked. “The one and only,” Kai smiled.

“Thanks for the mind games, jackass,” Damon said.

“It was just another little test. To make sure Bonnie’s magic was precise enough for the spell,” Kai explained. “I do believe we’re ready. Pack your bags, we’re going home.”

Kai then walked out of the house and to the front yard, stopping every few moments.

“You’re wandering around like a crazy man, why?” Damon asked.

“I’m looking for the exact right spot,” Kai answered, holding the ascendent up to the sky. “We need to find where the power of the eclipse is focused.”

“You know, you could have just showed us the ascendant to begin with,” Bonnie said.

“Yeah, but I wanted to feel your hand on my chest,” Kai smirked.

A frown rested upon my lips and I looked down at the ground.

“He is so annoying,” Bonnie muttered.

“You’re just not used to guys hitting on you,” Damon said. “You know, I can’t wait to get out of here,” Bonnie glared.

She then went next to me. I held my head back up, but not looking at her.

“Hey, how you holding up?” She asked. “Oh, fine,” I shrugged. “I’m getting kind of bored, though.”

“Yeah, I feel you… Hey,” Bonnie said, putting her hand on my arm. I turned to her, “Yeah?”

“Kai is a sociopath. He’s just flirting with us to get a rise out of each other. I know you don’t like him anymore, but that attraction you felt to him is probably still there. Let’s not let him tear us apart, okay? We’re stronger than some guy,” she smiled.

I smiled with her, perking up. “Yeah. You’re right. Sorry, just between him calling me pet names and the fact that Damon is always so pissy, it’s hard to be optimistic.”

“Well, I can do magic again now, so there’s one reason!” “Very true. Good job, by the way,” I complimented. “Why, thank you,” Bonnie chuckled.

We followed Kai and Damon, beginning to talk about our plans for when we got home. I looked down at the ground as she talked about her plans with Jeremy. I kicked around a rock, a pair of shoes appearing in front of me. It was Kai. Before my body could stop, I knocked into him.

His hands supported my waist, holding me up. My eyes met his and for a split second, I could see the human in him. I pushed him away though, scoffing in the process.

“A little warning next time?”

Kai just smiled down at me, then looking up to the sky. “The eclipse will happen directly overhead. In perfect alignment with the Gemini constellation. You need to dig under the tunnels below us. We’ll do the spell here,” Kai said

“Wait, why do we have to dig?” Damon asked.

“Have you never portal-jumped through an eclipse before? Okay, look, the light of the eclipse will shine down and activate the ascendant. You spout a little witchy woo and then, poof! Anyone standing in the circle of light holding the ascendant goes home,” Kai explained.

“Let me see the spell,” Bonnie said. “When the time comes,” Kai smiled.

He then walked past us three.

“Where are you going?” I asked. “Into town. I need to gather some important supplies,” Kai explained.

“Y/n, why don’t you watch over him to make sure he isn’t planning to kill us,” Damon said.

“What! No!” I protested. “You really want to be stuck with us? Digging a hole?” Bonnie asked.

“Not really,” I sighed. “Fine, I’ll go. See you guys later.”

“Have fun,” Bonnie smiled. “Oh, you know I will,” I smiled sourly as I followed Kai’s path.

I jogged to catch up with him. “Hey, Kai! Wait up.”

Kai stopped in his tracks, turning in surprise. “Stalking me?”

“Nope. More like babysitting.”

“Hm. Well, I’m older than you, so technically I would be doing the babysitting,” Kai said.

“Yeah, like you have any parental instincts. So, where into town are we going?”

“I thought you hated talking to me,” Kai said. “Just answer the damn question,” I glared.

“I’m picking up some personal belongings,” Kai explained.

“Why?” You asked. “Because 1994 has been my home for most of my life. I don’t want to get homesick when I go into the 21st century,” Kai answered.

“Hm, I see. Well, a lot has changed in the last 18 years,” I said.

“So I can see. They obviously didn’t make girls as pretty as Bonnie back then,” Kai smirked.

My lips pulled down into another frown. Him complimenting Bonnie was like a stake to the heart. I didn’t know why, but it bothered me a little too much to hear him talk about other girls. It was even worse considering that the girl he was talking about was my best friend.

“Hey, don’t be so sad. You’re pretty, too,” Kai nudged my shoulder.

“Wow, thanks,” I rolled your eyes.

“I’m serious! You’re more pretty than Bonnie!” Kai said. “Just want I wanted. You dragging my friend down so I can be complimented,” I hummed.

Kai rolled his eyes. “Women are so difficult. Look, I meant that you’re really pretty. Bonnie is, too. Just accept the fact I think you’re pretty!”

My face warmed up quickly and I hung my head low. “T-Thanks.”

“Let me guess, not a lot of guys compliment you?”

“They do, but doesn’t mean I don’t get flustered.”

“You seem pretty outgoing to me,” Kai said.

“Well, that’s probably because I hate you. I’m shy to guys I like,” I explained, putting my head back up.

“Hm… Or you just think that. You know, girls can be mean when they like a guy.”

“Yeah, in elementary school. Look, I’m not 8 anymore. I know the difference between love and hate and trust me, my feelings for you stand on the hate side.”

“Keep saying that, princess,” Kai remarked. “And stop calling me princess! God, it’s so annoying,” I groaned.

“C’mon, I know you like it, princess,” Kai teased, poking at my arm.

I swatted his hand away. “For someone who is a sociopath, you sure like to flirt a lot.”

“I am not a sociopath,” Kai said. “You sure are,” I chuckled.

“I’m not. I was just treated like the biggest embarrassment and disappointment of my family, and I’ve been stuck here for 18 years. It’s not fun going through what I did,” Kai argued.

I softened up a little. “Right, yeah. So, how long do we have to walk for?”

“Not very long,” Kai said.

We walked in a weirdly comfortable silence for 10 more minutes before arriving at a house.

“This your place I assume?” I asked.

“Yep. Not the place I grew up in, though,” he said, walking up. “Because you were born in Oregon?” I guessed.

“Yep. Wow, you pay attention to what I say. So sweet.” I huffed, “Just hurry up.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I waited for him outside the house, beginning to play with the locket around my neck. I took it off, opening it and smiling nostalgically.

“I miss you guys. I wish you were here,” I said to the pictures, running my fingertips on them.

“Are you talking to yourself?” Kai’s voice sounded out of nowhere.

I jumped, immediately shutting the locket. “No. Are you finished?”

“Yep,” he nodded.

“Good, let’s hurry back.”

“Who were you talking to?” He asked as we started our journey back to Bonnie and Damon.

“Nobody,” I answered. “So you were talking to yourself?” Kai pressed.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “Why?” He asked.

“It’s none of your business,” I said quickly. I hoped he got the hint that this was something that I would never share.

“Oh, please? You know, like, everything about me!”

I groaned, “No, Kai! Stop it.”

His eyebrows raised, his lips curling up into a smile. “Alright, Miss Fussy.”

I went in front of him, walking fast. We finally got back to the big hole that was now in the middle of the forrest.

“Now will you show us the spell?” Bonnie asked, panting.

“Not yet,” Kai said. “Why? We’ve done everything you want. Just get us out of here,” Damon said.

“I just… I can’t. Not yet,” Kai shrugged.

I scoffed, “Now is not the time to be a dick.”

“Wait,” Bonnie said, staring hard at Kai. “He doesn’t know the spell. Which means we don’t need him. Motus.”

Suddenly the pickaxe that Damon had flew up and plunged Kai in the heart, missing my arm by a centimeter.

“Bonnie!” I shrieked.

“What? You never liked him anyways,” Bonnie shrugged. “I have my grimoire right here, I’ll find the spell.” Bonnie pulled out the spell book from her backpack.

“Yeah, and how long is that gonna take?” Damon asked. “Not long if you two let me concentrate,” Bonnie said.

Damon groaned and walked over to me. “She seems way too calm.”

“She’s not one to freak out like you or Caroline. I’m a little mad at her, too, but I know she’s got this,” I shrugged, taking a seat on the dirt.

“Find the spell yet, Bon-Bon?” Damon asked, leaning against a tree.

“It’s been 2 minutes,” I swatted Damon’s leg. “No, but I think the Gemini coven used a Bennett spell to create this place. That's why my grams sent me here,” Bonnie explained.

I smiled at her, “Great thinking!”

Bonnie thanked me with a nod, holding the ascendent up in her hands and muttering an incantation. My jaw dropped as I saw the ascendent move outwards.

“And this is why Kai never killed me. He needed a Bennett,” Bonnie smiled triumphantly.

“See, I told you she knew what she was doing,” I smiled up at Damon.

“Yeah, well, I did, too. I was just giving her a hard time,” Damon shrugged.

Bonnie chuckled. “You guys ready to go home?”

“Hell yeah!” I exclaimed and jumped up.

We all jumped down the hole that Bonnie and Damon dug up, landing in a cave. Bonnie wasted no time dropping her blood onto the ascendant. She muttered the spell, the ascendent winding out further.

“Ready, guys?” Bonnie asked.

I nodded, walking up to her and putting my hand under her’s. Damon put his hand under mine.

“Let’s go home,” I smiled, tears threatening to fall out of my eyes.

As Bonnie was about to say the spell, an arrow struck just right under my heart and sent me flying. Another arrow also hit Bonnie. I hit a pile of rocks, my head turning to whoever hit me. It was Kai.

“Forgetting someone?” He asked. “Did you really think I haven’t tried to kill myself before? Because I have.” He loaded up the crossbow again.

Damon made a move for the ascendent that was now on the floor.

“Grab that or the next arrow will be in their hearts. Your choice.” Kai threatened.

Damon sighed and sped over to Bonnie, pulling the arrow out from her body. She screamed in pain, my eyes widening as I watched Kai take the ascendent.

“Damon!” I exclaimed as Damon as about to feed us his blood.

Damon fed Bonnie his blood quickly and ran up to Kai, knocking the ascendent out of his hand. My eyes fell to the ascendent as it was close enough for me to try and grab. I tried to reach, but Bonnie was a few steps ahead of me. She then bent down to me, ripping the arrow out of my side. I screamed in pain, tears streaming down my face.

“We’re gonna get you out of here, okay? Just put pressure on this,” Bonnie said, grabbing her jacket around my wound.

I shook my head, smiling sadly. “No, I-I won’t make it. You and Damon go. You guys have too much to live for. Me? I have no family there, and we all know Caroline and Elena miss you more.”

“That is so not true,” Bonnie said. “When you were gone at camp for those 3 summers, all Care and Elena could take about was how much they’ve missed you. And I know for a fact that Tyler, Matt, and especially Stefan miss you, too. We are getting you out of here.”

“We are, Y/n. Otherwise Elena would kill me,” Damon groaned from behind me. “I would rather be killed by my hot, vampire girlfriend instead of this psycho. A little help Bonnie?”

Bonnie nodded, muttering a spell that sent Kai flying back. Damon then came over and lifted me up, carrying me over to Bonnie. We stood under the light and I looked up, smiling happily.

“I’m getting out of here,” I sighed.

“Not on my watch!” Kai exclaimed. As soon as we started to float up, Kai ran over to Damon and knocked me out of his arms.

“No!” I screamed.

“Y/n!” Bonnie exclaimed as she shot up in the portal.

I watched with hot, burning tears as Bonnie and Damon disappeared. I sobbed in pain and sadness, looking at Kai with a watery gaze.

“Why?!” I screamed.

“Because like you said, you don’t have any family there. Me neither, so there’s no reason for you to get back to your home,” Kai explained with a shit-eating grin.

“Screw you,” I muttered distantly. I felt my eyes begin to droop. My breathing was so shallow, I could barely feel my heartbeat. I looked up to the light that was shining down. Where my friends once were.

“Sleep well, princess. I’ll see you soon.” Was the last thing I heard before I lost all consciousness.

————

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Part Two right here!

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@123cxcv @mrsobrien888 @happinessisabutterflyx

#kai parker x reader #kai parker #kar parker imagine #kai parker angst #kai parker x reader angst #kai parker imagine angst #kai parker angst imagine #kai parker fluff imagine #kai parker x reader fluff #tvd #the vampire diaires #tvd imagine #the vampire diaries imagine #damon salvatore

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what-aboutit-questionmark · 4 years ago

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Soft-Goth headcanons because I can’t sleep and something I got and am staring at gave me ideas.

(I’ll probably delete this in a few days)

Michael;

He’d never tell, but little kids laughter makes him crack a smile every time he hears it. (Sometimes when Firkle laughs he smiles and it’s almost embarrassing for the both of them.)

Michael has a million soft pillows and soft blankets he sleeps with. (He’s a texture guy, it makes it easier for him to sleep.)

He is the type that can’t sleep unless he’s holding like, a pillow. (He’ll bring at least one soft pillow with him to hold when he sleeps at the other’s houses.)

He secretly from his parents bought himself a touch activated lamp that looks like a dinosaur. (He brings it with him when sleepovers the other’s houses too. They don’t mention it.)

Pete;

Not so much soft but Pete can’t sleep with pure silence or white noise. He could once sleep with a fan in but now he needs music. (He’ll either fall asleep with earbuds in while over his friend’s houses or be playing music on low volume.)

Pete likes summer for how many colors he can spot. (A walk through a park and there’s people wearing many colorful shirts, bubbles shine different colors from the sun as they pass him, and different color toys people play with with their dogs.)

I say he came to the group 3rd, Henrietta and Michael became very much his family. (When Firkle came along they all of course took the role of being like an older sibling, but Pete acts the most like it.)

Firkle;

Firkle really likes having the others basically as his older siblings, he likes being the chaotic youngest ‘sibling’ (He can be out late at night, carry around a knife and his parents have zero concern? He likes knowing people actually care about his well-being for once.)

He’s the youngest, he has a sweet-tooth, but he always brings stuff to share. (Cookies, hard candies, whatever he brings he brings some for the others. The boy just likes to share.)

Firkle has the most trouble voicing when he’s upset or needs some reassurance. (He often feels like he’s invisible, like a ghost. He’s still a little kid, he has some growing up to do, some emotional maturity to figure out, but he’ll lean his shoulder against the others arms or just press his face into their arms so they can’t see his face but they know he’s right there, they feel him, and something is going on.)

Henrietta;

Not so much as the ‘mom friend’ but as the wine aunt. (“I shouldn’t encourage you to do that but honestly I wanna see how it turns out.” Says she doesn’t support the chaos but does. Takes care the most when the others actually get hurt.)

Sometimes even with the people she’s closest to, being the only girl sometimes she feels like the others don’t understand her. (She needs a lot of reassurance some days. She’s the type to act like she doesn’t have a single care but really later on words can haunt her.)

Sometimes on bad nights after bad days she has Henrietta will listen to old music that her mom would sing for her. (She likes feeling nostalgic, she likes remembering, she likes memories from when she was a kid.)

They all generally like the group they have because they went from having no one to confide in or having anyone stick up for them, to having to 3 other people who are good listeners and 3 other people who really do care about them.

#sp michael #pete thelman #henrietta biggle #firkle smith #South Park Michael #south park goth kids #sp goth kids #it was the light up Dino that got me thinking-#? headcannons #spelling errors? maybe idk I’m tired now

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steve0discusses · 4 years ago

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Yugioh Season Zero: The Yo-Yo Crimes of Jounouchi Pt 1

It’s been a while since I visited the many times Yugi should have gone to jail, AKA season Zero, and I’m excited to visit it again.

If you just got here, this is Season Zero, which is very different vibe and a different direction plotwise than the other seasons and you can read the season zero recaps from the start in chrono order here: https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yuugi%20muto/chrono

So be warned, this is a 90′s anime, and it will do 90′s anime things, and I expect y’all reading this aren’t like 12.

Like I said in an earlier post, I wrote this out fully when I was going through the symptoms from my second dose--which PS, is worth it--but those symptoms knocked me out for 10 days. I was kind of a space cadet, and yo, I made some mistakes. Including writing this post out in full and then not clicking “save” on this post and then not realizing I had done that until several days later.

So long story short, I don’t remember what I originally wrote here, but lets all assume it was weird, and didn’t make sense and wasn’t funny. We’ll just assume this was for the best that it was deleted forever.

So this episode is about 2 things: Yo-yos and Jounouchi. Both get used as a tool for violence, and both need to get just a little bit cursed by Yugi to scale it the hell back. So, understandably, we start off this episode with Jounouchi, who has eagerly identified with this off brand yo-yo he apparently got out of a dumpster for being just a huge ass defect.

(more Yo-Yo crimes under the cut)

I see you dodging copyright infringement, Yugioh. Eireboy.

Also whenever I read “Eireboy” I do it in my mind in the same pacing and vocal tones that Pegasus uses to say “Kaiba boy.” Something about it’s conjunction to Yugioh, I see anything with “boy” at the end of it, and it’s voiced by a weird guy with one eye.

So I wrote these caps under the influence of my second dose, just assuming y’all understand the life I lived, but I realized writing this episode...traveling bands of yo-yo performers that go to your school and shill yo-yos with yo-yo shows in the hopes that it will get you so obsessed with yo-yos that you will not join a gang and do drugs and have sex may be just an American thing.

So when I saw a yo-yo episode I was like “Tight! Clearly, the yo-yo clowns have come to town!” and I assumed everyone in this class would be draped in yo-yos, because I just assumed that at some point at School you will get MAD OBSESSED with yo-yos for about 2 weeks.

But in this episode, everyone was like “Jounouchi, why are you playing with a random yo-yo?” and it didn’t occur to me until typing this out just now: only Jounouchi is doing this. He did this unprompted, without the encouragement of a bunch of middle aged performers doing tricks to techno music.

So instead, I have to think of Jounouchi as Ralphie in this scenario, and he just got a official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time for Christmas, but he’s gonna shoot his eye out.

Because yo-yos in this episode are basically guns.

...Kind of like a duel deck was also just a gun...

...or the wands in Harry Potter...

...which honestly...I’ve probably said this before but where I’m from, we just use straight up guns in these elaborate analogies because we freakin have to make the point crystal clear. The moment Ralphie finally got his hands on a bb-gun, he very nearly shot his eye out and broke his glasses. And that scene will haunt me until my dying day...

...but fine, we can use yo-yos, I guess it works, although to me, yo-yo’s are just teachers hoping you’ll become such a dork that no gang will accept you (and then in this universe, it does the opposite? So freakin weird).

The beginning of this episode is Jounouchi trying do his best to impress with his skills, but in actuality, getting very close to clubbing Anzu with a yo-yo. And, while Anzu is the strongest person in Yugioh in the later seasons, I feel like Season Zero Anzu is another level. It’s a serious tempt of fate that Jounouchi is doing, so Honda wisely cuts him off from doing any more of that so she won’t end up strangling yet another person in broad daylight in the middle of school.

Remember your yo-yo safety, children.

Straight up, Honda’s version of yo-yo safety is to just Never Use a Yo-Yo and that’s the most gun safety thing ever that they’ve slipped into this Yugioh Episode. I almost expected Yuugi to pull a “well, actually, I use a hunting yo-yo to get enough venison to feed my family.” But youknow, he lives in a city, so while Yugioh is pretty weird and Yuugi has to worry about a lot of things--he doesn’t have to worry about that.

This is actually foreshadowing, which I only realized in hind sight, mostly because I just can’t associate a Yo-yo with crime. Joey knowing how to use a yo-yo was foreshadowing that he was absolutely part of this gang in a past life.

Yeah that one went completely over my head the first time and the second time and it really wasn’t until just now that I finally caught it. Hoo boy, sometimes I wonder why y’all let me analyze this show.

Jounouchi decides to confront the yo-yo bandits and everyone else is like “Silly Jounouchi, he’s not gonna do that. That would be stupid.” And...in S0, they don’t know him well enough yet to know that he really is that much of a well meaning dumbass.

I think a S1-5 Yugi would have been sprinting out the door to keep Joey from killing himself (again), but Season Zero Yuugi had hope that Jounouchi would just naturally tucker out and fall asleep or something.

And he was so wrong.

Anzu’s “New Tricks” line was from the dub itself and man that’s a good line. I love Anzu’s sass in Zero.

So, Honda decides to help them find Jounouchi so all of them together could give Jounouchi an intervention for skipping school. This is the same Honda that once skipped school to babysit a tomagachi and said it was because of “Maternity leave,” but don’t worry about the hypocrisy, because from this episode we learned that Jounouchi needs a very short leash.

So this episode is a great Jounouchi episode to explain stuff that still hasn’t been explained in 5 seasons of Yugioh. In S1-5, we don’t get much about his home life other than his Mom left and his Sister lives far away and is like sickly as hell. We know nothing else. But this is the episode where we finally get to find out why Yuugi and his Grandfather decided to basically adopt him from S1 onward.

Yugioh is tackling some pretty heavy territory, but I respect the show for not trying to magically change Jounouchi’s parents like they did to Dartz. Instead, the crew decide to reach out and try to find their friend who clearly didn’t go home last night (and won’t be going back for a while), by checking every alleyway in Domino.

Fun fact Yuugi drops this episode, Domino is one of the biggest cities on Earth. This makes the Battle City Tournament even more crazy when you realize Kaiba shut down several blocks but, it also makes a tiny bit more sense how we have so many Millennium items in one place. (Yet...it still doesn’t explain Bakura and Joey’s accent.) And, I guess if your city is just extra large, you get an extra large warehouse district, too.

Speaking of, they eventually find Jounouchi at his new (but also old) crime antics mugging some random stranger next to this Game store that I just realized was cropped so it looks like it says “GANG.”

Say hello to our crime clown. He’s sort of like a discount joker, and that beanie is...man it is green.

I forget this green exists sometimes, but Season Zero has it as one of their prime colors. Good ol’ Retro Kaiba green.

I’m a little tempted to swatch Season Zero a bit and figure out their full color scheme--it’s really saturated, which is interesting when you compare it to the later seasons which are a lot more muted since...the 00′s were like that, they greyed a lot of colors out. But I’ll do it later if I do, maybe another post for another day.

Jounouchi and Honda, before they moved to the school with Yuugi in it, used to go to the same school and up until now I just assumed they were close friends. But apparently they were a lot more distant than that. I’m sure they met up several times as Jounouchi destroyed stuff and Honda came along in his volunteer janitor outfit to put the stuff the hell back, and maybe that’s how they got to know eachother better?

But basically, Jounouchi was the freakin worst, and Jounouchi’s best friend was Hirotani--this 45 year old 15 year old with the blue pony and turquoise fade--and Honda has SO MUCH hot goss to say about it.

I really get the gist that Honda may not have liked anyone else at his old school, like at all. Like maybe Honda likes cleaning up trash so much because his school was just trash top to bottom.

As is tradition, Yuugi got his tar beat in by Hirotani. Another concussion to add to his list of issues to tell his future therapist that lives in that puzzle he wears around his neck.

I still expect him to do a double cross, but it seems they wanted to keep it a relatable and more realistic fall-out, where Jounouchi has just bounced on them without even a goodbye. He and his Dad had a bad fight, and Jounouchi was like “well so long to all of this and everyone that has anything to do with it.”

In later seasons, Joey is the one trying to save other people. He’s saving his Sister, he’s saving Mai, he’s saving Yugi, but in this season Jounouchi’s friends had to save Jounouchi from himself a few times now.

I like this depth to his character, I’ll be honest. I can understand why S1-5 don’t touch on it, and I don’t think it’s because they didn’t want to have an abusive Dad storyline, because they did that several times over with Seto Kaiba (man the Dad situation in Yugioh is DIRE.) Instead they probably just felt like Season Zero already did it, so why do it again?

It’s just a shame that it wasn’t talked about in the other seasons. Joey makes a lot more sense to me now because we get to see why Jounouchi is so hard set on saving people. S4 Mai Valentine, who ditched everyone and joined a gang? That’s basically a Joey move, and that was why Joey Wheeler was all over that.

Really would have added a lot to that particular arc if the show...actually talked about Joey’s history at all rather than assume I would have watched something that was never released in the States. Instead...it just looked a lot like he had only romantic motivations, which may not have been what they were going for.

Speaking of romantic, check out this sunset. Like the sun is exploding for some reason--just a wild sunset you only see for a still frame before a commercial break.

As Joey, youknow, takes on an entire rival gang single-handedly.

Hey guys, I lived near a pretty big city most of my life and I have been on a roof...once. Just the one time when I was doing an internship in SF with a painter and we needed to take a reference photo of his painting for a gallery (and it was hella sketch, and we weren’t exactly allowed up there). Who are all these people giving teens Roof Access? It’s so hard to get! Even if you live in an apartment of a tall building, I can count on zero of my fingers the amount of times I was allowed on that roof. But TV shows and movies--they freakin love roof gardens and roof hangouts and roof fights.

Am I missing out?? How did y’all get on the ROOF? I know I’m on S5 of Yugioh now and I have seen a lot of roof stuff, but like...is this normal for everyone else? I know there’s schools that have roof sport--that’s common in the city everywhere--but that’s like...specialized roofs with 30 ft chainlink fencing and really good supports to your body doesn’t fall straight through it when you jump too much. The hell is using their normal ass roof?

This gang should have their legs swinging halfway into the floor below them, is all I’m saying, if my roof couldn’t handle our solar heating, then a normal ass roof cannot support a gang fight.

But it does look really, really cool.

Anyway, Anzu does some offscreen snooping and finds out where the crime hangs out, and suggests that we step right into crime zone and just yank Jounouchi out of there. Which is something you would only do and say if you were Anzu and cannot fear death.

If it were Jay’s it would be with an ‘s. That’s how you do a plural Jay. But it’s the 90′s, so we put a “z” on the end of everything that should have been an “s” and that’s how you get the...

I mean, thank you, dubbers, for not saying “Jizz” but for reals...that be Jizz.

Please don’t flag me, Tumblr. (which, PS, I think they turned off the flagbot, Tumblr hasn’t flagged me in forever and I’m so thankful. Mods are asleep, we can talk about anime again)

So even though Honda decided that he was fed up with Jounouchi and didn’t want to save his ass, he decided to give it another go but complete with some new sash. He also did this without telling any of the others, who just kinda spectated him for a little while.

Honestly, if they weren’t laughing at him, I wouldn’t have known that this sash was any weirder than any of his other sashes. I don’t know really know what a school uniform should look like. It’s a shame, I feel like this series has a lot of jokes and puns probably soaring right over my head.

A little bit embarrased he was caught being vulnerable, Honda decides to give us a little more context to why he ever decided to give Jounouchi the time of day in the first place.

They had PE class once, and Honda apparently loves the hell out of PE. Jounouchi ran really fast in a straight line that one time, and that is why he’s trustworthy friend material. He just needs to stop joining gangs, and he’ll be solid.

I have no idea if the fandub put that in there or if that was native to the show, but Miho legit stans Honda/Jounouchi and acts as if she’s off to write some fanfiction about it. Honestly if she did, it would make her so much more interesting of a character.

And so, until next time, we shall have to wait and see exactly what Yami Yuugi is going to do with a freakin Yo-yo and I’m sure it’s all sorts of real effed up. Excited to get there, honestly. A shame it had to happen on the part that isn’t dubbed yet, but I’ve done these subbed before, it’ll be fine!

#Season Zero #Yuugi Muto #Jounouchi #Honda #Anzu #yo-yo #Jounouchi joins a gang #Gotta go save Jounouchi's ass I guess #Miho #she was here too I guess #Just a great Jounouchi episode for the Jounouchi stans out there

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itsonlystrange · 4 years ago

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hey bestie! I completely understand your concerns and I can understand that it’s annoying but please consider that:

I want to give you guys the best episodes I possibly can, not just half assing it. Ep 3 would have been out weeks ago if it wasn’t for the new content and bts pics we got. As you all should know by now, I’m incorpating every leak we have of s4 this far. Episode three had to be rewritten 5 times!! Completely!! That’s over 700 pages of writing!!

Reason I can’t post it right now is, surprise! As much as I adore stranger things and this blog, I cant dedicate my entire life to it. It’s a Wednesday, I have school. I also have a life. I love st and I love byler but I also have priorities. That’s a no brainer.

I also have a lot of personal issues regarding my mental health and my ED which I’m not going to get into, stuff that i prioritize over ST.

I understand the wait has been quite long, and episode 3 would have been out as I said, probably a month ago, but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I put out an episode I wasn’t personally proud of.

I started writing this as a fun thing to do on the side, I had no idea it would gain hundreds of peoples attention.

Keep in mind that I am ONE PERSON writing a whole season of a show that we constantly get new news about. Usually the duffers have 1-2 people helping them write the episodes, they have four people!! I have just myself!! (With input from my friend) and that’s okay!!

I’m not forcing anyone to read this episode. I’m not forcing anyone to praise me.

We’re in a content drought and I just wanted to give others something to quench their thirst until the season comes out.

You would probably be just as mad with me if I put out a shitty episode instead. But I’m not doing that.

Also: it usually takes the duffers a month and a half just to write one episode. It took me about 3 weeks to write the first draft of ep 3. And I’m only one person. Of course updates will come slow.

Not to mention I have SEVEN other episodes I’m writing as well. I am writing the whole season, after all.

I completely understand the frustration, and I really wish there was more I could do. Your frustration is valid, but please don’t come on to my blog complaining, constructive criticism is a better approach. I see your anger, I level with it, I understand that. There isn’t more that I can do.

I have a life and other priorities. If I could post the episode this second I would, but I cant. It’s not like I just have the episode and am purposefully making you wait, that’s not it at all. I’m a busy person, a person who is also writing a lot more other than stranger things 4. I have school assignments that need more attention then this. I hope you can understand.

Another thing. Burn out: i struggle with ADHD and OCD, those two things conflict HEAVILY. If I work for too long I’ll lose interest in screen writing at all and won’t touch Final Draft for days. If I work too sloppy my OCD will force me to start from scratch, because I feel like it’s not good enough. These two things conflict with eachother constantly. If I get burnt out it’ll take even longer for episodes to come out. I need to pace myself, so I can save my sanity and also give you all the best I possibly can.

The last thing I want is to let you guys down.

I don’t want to put out an episode that disappoints you all.

I love all of your support, and it’s deeply upsetting that i cant get the episodes out as fast as I��d like. I’m dedicating to giving you all the best Ive got, but for that to happen, you have to be patient.

Screenwriting takes TIME. hours. And I hope you all can understand that.

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot, and I’m very very sorry that I couldn’t get it out sooner.

Episode three will be here Sunday, May 23rd. You are not obligated to read it.

Thank you and I love you all so much. The massive support I’ve received on this episode is endless. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and I hope you all can understand. I understand the frustration and I promise you that once episode three is oit, it’ll be a (hopefully) smoother slope from there. Thank you, and my apologies <3

(Will most likely delete later)

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #byler #st4 #my version

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reddeadreference · 3 years ago

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Blog Progress Update (Travel Blog Style #18)

I’m working on filling up the queue, which is why right now it posts once a day at noon my time until I can get a lot more in there then I’m thinking maybe 5 a day? (lemme know what you think is a good number. I’m gonna get at least 50 posts in the queue before starting the bigger number I’m at 15 now.)

I am up to date with the audio clips, so now I’m adding as they’re added now until they’re all up.

Working my way through the story so I can soon free roam without worry (though honestly I’ve spent days in Lemoyne where I’m wanted and have had no Pinkertons or law show up…)

My main focus will be completing mission posts and Lemoyne. (Starting Scarlett Meadows, Bayou Nwa, then Bluewater Marsh.) If there’s a place you want me to focus on after that just let me know.

Doing one of my favorite missions Goodbye, Dear Friend. I love that lil wave Arthur gives from the roof.

“Arthur, here’s a ladder.”

Yeah thanks buddy I’ll take the stairs…

I know it’s just a fictional villain… but the satisfaction of seeing Colm realize he’s not getting out of this one… This is for Kieran you fuck… (I mean and Jake Adler, and Annabelle of coure.)

FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT MARY’S LETTER FUCK

Okay going to the reservation and I’m getting all those photos out of the way

Greeted Javier

“Won’t even sit next to me no more?” (wasn’t said in a questioning way but the captions had a “?” … like BRUH I just walked over, gimme a chance. “You just worry about that cough” Javi pls…

*Arthur sits*

“Some mess this is”

“yUP.”

*4 seconds later Javier gets up*

DUDE

Ya know.. I never really cared for Trelawny when I first played this, but the guy’s grown on me and it hurts to see his goodbye with Arthur because he knows he won’t see him again (Trelawny knows he won’t see Arthur I mean).

“I’ll be back.”

“No you won’t. Let’s not pretend no more.” Arthur pls…

Music as you escape with Charles and Monroe is very good fleeing music. (There’s a lot of soundtrack music I need to add to playlists)

“I’m afraid.” *inhuman noises* T_T

Okay only chapter 6 missions I have left are the bridge and everything after the EF one where we knock down trees.

So APPARENTLY at some point they added a 6 gold bar treasure hunt. I’m going through the maps, got to the turtle… looked at it… and shouted “CHELONIA” while pointing at my screen but no… it’s the mysterious hill home (Hobbit home) because that drawing is on the top of it... does that mean that’s a Chelonia thing? Anyway John’s gonna have 7 gold bars.

I also never mentioned I like the addition of seeing NPCs out in the world like napping or reading by a tree with their horse nearby and the ones at camps that let you sit with them and tell you about stuff..

So I barely touched the exotics quest and I need to because I need the cutscene screenshots with ARTHUR first. Anyway Arthur been wandering the swamps of Lemoyne wary of nite folk, he met the Soothsayer that he totally forgot existed.

These birds are a pain in the ass.. And not just because it’s terrifying whenever the screen starts shaking cause there’s a fucking gator nearby even when it’s a little one that won’t kill me. If you shoot a bird and it lands out in the water be prepared for terrifying gator munching sounds that make you think you’re about to die. (though now I’m using the save and load method. So I’m getting there…)

I had a bunch of photos for multiple places and I KNOW I didn’t delete them and I remember putting them in the folders with their labels… but now they’re all gone… *inhale* FU-

I’ll probably be able to finish chapter 6 once I finish the exotics quest… cause I’m pretty sure that’s the only non-story thing I have left to do that Arthur CAN do (though i do need to find 3 more william encounters...). So far I got a fuck ton of Heron plumes which is good cause I’ll need 20 but not enough spoonbill which is bad cause I’ll need 30 and I need 2 more of each of the other plumes… ugh

I’m also trying to get any places I KNOW will look different in the epilogue cause I want two posts for those.

#rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #blog progress update

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tundrainafrica · 4 years ago

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Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (16/17)

Summary: “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Note:

I know I said on tumblr I was planning on ending the story today and apologies for dragging this out longer.

The final chapter is already written out but editing is gonna take me an extra hour or so. Also, this week has been hectic, work especially has been very hectic since I'm covering a job for 3 people now while they hire. I ended up getting a little sick today so I decided to put off a lot of the asks and postings until Sunday.

I could post the final chapter earliest, tomorrow night. Latest, I'll be posting the final chapter is Wednesday. I wanna get it out soon but there are still a lot of stuff I'm hoping to fix up so, apologies for not meeting the expectations.

Thank you so much for reading though. It really means a lot to me.

As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

“You can take a seat Hange.” Shela’s voice was gentle. She had taken her time pronouncing every syllable.

Still, something jumped inside Hange as she heard it. She gathered herself together and willed herself to make eye contact. “Sorry about that...I got a little distracted,” she said. She was starting to get a little self conscious. Did she actually jump? Was her tone too jittery? Were her eyes too wide?

The woman in front of her seemed unfazed as if she was watching Hange do something so normal as to just stare at the room in front of her for a long few seconds. Still, Hange avoided her gaze and looked around as she made her way towards the sofa.

Levi had only ever talked about how much of a hassle and how much of a pain the whole process of going to therapy was. Over time, he had started ditching the sessions altogether. Consequently, Hange had expected an atmosphere that would make her feel a little more restrained than what she had felt then.

It turned out just entering the room made her feel the complete opposite of what she had expected.

Shela’s office was more spacious than Hange had imagined it to be. Or more full of life.

Filled with too much life in a way that Hange couldn’t understand. But it seemed to hold more than the average doctor’s office she’d been to. Maybe it was the paintings on the wall or the wooden bookshelf that stood so tall and wide it was an omnipresent in the room.

Either way, it was comfortable and Hange chalked it to the rustic feel of the room. The ambiance was just too strange, the shades of the wallpaper, the rustic carpeted floor was too indulgent of her senses and she could have been taking a little more time than necessary to get to her seat.

It looked like Shela followed suit. By the time Hange had settled on the chair, Shela had still been on her way.

Shela leaned forward from her seat and reached out a hand in greeting. She seemed excited, too excited. “It’s nice to finally be able to talk to you like this, Hange Zoe,” she said.

That excitement in her voice was enough at least to pull Hange’s focus away from the ambiance of the room and towards the woman in front of her. A clear reminder that she was there for a reason.

Or two reasons. Hange corrected herself as she pulled out her file. “Thank you so much for agreeing to go through this with me,” she said. “Since Levi started having sessions with you, we kept in touch so at least we had some history beforehand… And given your background, I thought you might be the best person to give me some extra content on my thesis.”

“For your review of related literature?”

Hange nodded. “It’s not yet done. I did research already on the biological aspect but I thought you might have information on the psychological aspects of it…” She pulled out a folder from her bag and slid the file towards Shela.

Shela was quick to scan through the title. “Looks interesting. What made you pick this topic?”

“Many things...” Hange said. “I thought I would be able to help more people doing this type of thesis. And maybe I can take further studies and---”

“Does this have anything to do with Levi?” . Shela raised one eyebrow at her.

“Oh? Was it obvious?” Hange asked. She deemed it futile to have even denied it then.

Shela started to flip through the pages of the draft a little quicker. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from him. He never replied to any of my texts.” She stood up, gesturing for Hange to continue talking as she made her way to the shelf at the back of the room.

“He went home,” Hange said. There was an awkward pause for a few seconds and she felt some inclination to fill it herself. “Back to his hometown,” she added. “He probably wanted to spend his birthday with them, or maybe Christmas. I guess this is a good time for him to go home… He---”

“So Hange, do you wanna talk about Levi? Or would you like to talk about your thesis?” The way Shela said it was far from abrasive.

From her position, Hange couldn’t even tell what face Shela was making. Yet she found herself a little shaken, particularly self conscious she was taking up precious office time. And for a few seconds longer, Hange struggled to find the right words. “There are things I wanted to ask about… Like definitely, I told you I need to discuss the psychological aspect and…”

“Well, from what I’m seeing, this didn’t need a session. I could have emailed you the pdf file of my thesis and just answered if you had any questions.”

Hange only noticed then as Shela walked back to her seat that she had pulled out two binders from one of the bookshelves.

“If you need any more sources for your thesis, you can read through this.” Shela placed the binders on the table and flipped to the last page of the thicker one. “And you can check through my bibliography for any more sources and I’m sure you’ll figure the rest out on your own. Levi told me you were a pretty good researcher growing up…”

Hange felt the blood rush to her face. That only made it harder to grasp for the right words. “When was your last session with Levi?” There were many other things Hange would have wanted to ask then. Her mouth just wouldn’t cooperate.

“A little more than a month ago. A few weeks before your finals. “ Shela answered. She rested her elbows on her lap, her chin on her hands.

“Finals ended more than two weeks ago. I was hoping he talked to you before he left.”

Shela shook her head. “No word from him.” She must have sensed the disappointment in Hange’s face because only a second later, she continued. “But maybe going home would be good for him. He might find someone to talk to there.” Her tone was cold, disconnected and it didn’t look like she believed it herself though.

“I know you would tell him to write, he told me that much about your sessions. But did he ever tell you about his stories?”

“Commander Zoe and Captain Levi?”

Hange nodded. “Oh, he did. You see, I wanted to talk to you about that. But I don’t know either whether or not I should be talking to his therapist about this...But I’m worried.”

“Why?”

“He deleted the file.”

If Shela was shocked, she didn’t show it. The only hint to any emotion in the room had been the short silence that followed. “I suspected he’d do that much,” she said.

“Suspect that much? Did he tell you something? Was there something wrong with his writing? Is he okay?”

Shela shook her head. “ I’m not in a place to tell.”

“Why did he get so attached to his stories? Why did it affect him so much that he couldn’t even accept a death?”

“I’m sorry Hange, I don’t wanna waste your time here so I’ll be upfront with you. What Levi and I talk about here stays between us.”

“I respect that.” Hange expected the answer, still she kept her tone long and drawn. She still found herself clinging to some hope that there was something Shela could share.. “I want to know though… Is this because of the injury? He lost a lot because of that and I know I was somehow involved with it but I just can’t shake off this feeling of guilt. ”

Shela sighed. “You know, I may not be able to tell you what we talked about. But I’m sure you know more about this than I do. You might even be able to contribute more insights to this discussion than I can,” she said. “Tell me Hange, what went on after our last therapy session. Did he really have finals?”

“Yes we did. I was busy too so I didn’t think too much of it then but the weeks leading up to finals are usually more hectic for any student….”

“Would you know if he still continued to write after the finals?”

“He did.”

“You seem sure.”

“He shared the document.” Hange started. She unlocked her phone and opened her drive document. It wouldn’t be there, she was sure of that but she could have saved it and it would have still been there. She forced a smile as her mouth threatened to curl down. Hange was still scolding herself for wasting such an opportunity. She let her phone fall carelessly on the coffee table in front of her and leaned back on the sofa. “So I got to read it.”

“Did Captain Levi really die?” Shela asked.

“No. Commander Hange did.”

“So before he deleted it, Commander Hange died?”

“That was the last chapter I read. Then an hour or so later, I confronted him about it, he asked me to leave me alone, then the next thing I know he deleted the file.” Hange leaned her head back on the backrest and stared up at the ceiling. “But you know, he didn’t want to believe that Hange died. She burned alive, he described it so vividly in his writing but he kept telling me, she didn’t die.

“Oh?”

“If someone burned alive, they should be dead right? Maybe there was a sequel to it that he just didn’t write yet.”

“But if Hange were alive, wouldn’t Levi have seen it through instead of doing something so rash as to delete the whole thing? Levi has a tendency of…”

Running away? Not processing things? Hange looked back at Shela and nodded slowly.

Shela seemed distracted. She was staring at something upward, mumbling to herself as if finding the right words to say. “Trying not to regret things,” she added a few seconds later.

“Regret… I noticed that. With the jumping and the injury but I wanted to ask you, if you think the story is somehow connected to how he’s processing his injury.”

“I have theories but they’re not mine to tell. Have you asked Levi yourself?”

Hange was almost tempted to laugh. That seemed like the only way her body knew how to process the last week alone in the dorm. She had sent three texts, a question about when he had gone home, a birthday greeting and a New Year’s greeting. “I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore,” Hange said. She avoided Shela’s gaze. Somehow, her heart was racing then, her blood was rushing to her face much faster than usual and she found herself curling her fists into a ball, finding some semblance of control in them. Was she ashamed that Levi wasn’t talking to her? She shook her head. “But you know, I can try to talk to Levi.”

“What about this… I’ll contact Levi when he comes back. I’ll try to get his side of what’s been happening. Maybe I can even get him to reply.”

“Are you sure you can’t tell me anything now? Maybe even something vague. I can try to figure the rest out for myself,” Hange said. She couldn’t tell then if she had raised her voice.

Shela didn’t seem shaken at all. She shook her head again. “This is between me and my patients.”

Hange had integrity, she understood confidentiality clauses. She had been researching all her life though, and that side of her still continued to fight. Maybe if the hints weren’t all there, poking at her, just provoking, she would have given up much more easily “I just wanna understand it, I wanna understand him. Even if we don’t talk after this. Even if Levi wants to end this, you know I’m fine. I just wanna figure out for myself why he acted that way. I’m worried.”

Shela cocked her head to the side, her expression unchanging. “Believe me, I’m worried too but I can’t say much. Levi’s my patient and whatever we talk about in this room is between us.” She pushed the two binders on the table towards Hange and continued. “But I don’t want to leave you empty handed. I wrote two pieces for my dissertation which you might find useful, something personal and something professional, I can send over a copy of both of them to you over email. Or if you want a hard copy, you could have this photocopied in the library nearby. What do you think works for you?”

The digression had Hange’s lips trembling then. Shela knew things she didn’t for sure and Hange found herself tempted to even curse silently at that confidentiality clause.

She opened the cover to find the title page in black ink, in one of the most readable fonts.

Signs that suggest the reality of reincarnation and its manifestations in patients.

You got what you wanted. Hange thought to herself as she scanned the title page of the document in front of her. It was a cold and professional title. The researcher inside her should have been satisfied. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t ungrateful either. “Thank you, I’ll make sure to read it,” she said. It was still help anyway.

Another, much thinner book was pushed next to it.

Musings on a Past Life: Written by Kuchel Ackerman

“This is my own personal copy,” Shela explained. “It’s not something you should be emulating when doing research but… I thought it could give you some insight to your thesis.

“Okay, if I have some extra time, I’ll---”

No actually, let’s make this your little homework. I want you to read both pieces. And if you get a chance to talk to Levi again…”

Shela probably said something after that. At that point though, Hange was somewhere else. She had pulled the thinner document towards her and propped it on her lap, and scanned through it. She only had to read through the first paragraph on one of the final pages to understand why it wouldn’t have passed up as anything academic.

She wasn’t rattling off procedures, scientific speculations or statistical procedures. She was painting pictures of dark streets, cramped streets and a shabby one bedroom alone with a baby. She spoke of soft skin, a baby scent that never faded and illness. She reflected on loss, regret all manifesting in that last face she saw before she fell asleep for the final time.

A teary eyed face. A shaken voice begging at her not to fall asleep. And then nothing.

Maybe there was darkness, darker than the ceiling of the underground, darker than the room that had been hers and her child.

That was left to mercy of Hange’s speculation.

It was only when she was alone in the dorm, two days after, did she reopen it. It had taken her more time than necessary to finish it and maybe it had been because she had ended up rereading whole paragraphs, flipping pages back more times than she could count.

And it was only then, after finishing that personal file did she feel compelled enough to read the official output.

She opened a page, towards an introduction, a foreword or a message. Possibly all of those at once. But it connected so seamlessly to Kuchel’s own musings.

A False Bottom.

All humans feel. Even when they say they don’t, they feel something.

Human psyche is an endless blackhole of emotions, knowledge and experiences….

There are still things psychologists cannot comprehend about the human psyche. All we can do is endeavor to make sense of it…

With this thesis, the researcher proposes that one possible explanation for unpredictable bouts of emotion, out-of-character decisions, the phenomena of irrationality is the phenomena of reincarnation…

Manifestations of our past life.

“And maybe there are emotions that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life.. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it manifests itself.”

And how many times did Hange allow those words to echo inside her as she sifted through page after page. Enough times at least to have her open a blank document.

As she soon found out, it wasn’t easy at all to embrace the blank document. She was completely aware she didn’t have to open the blank document, she had a half filled one already, having started on her own thesis a while back.

But something had willed her to do just that. Something inside her that wanted answers to questions, and it begged for them, clamored for them and Hange was starting to forget who even asked it. She? Or Kuchel?

Musings of a Past Life. Hange had typed out the title days ago already. Maybe it wasn’t easy because it wasn’t her past life to write. It was Levi’s past.

Or so that was what Levi claimed when he wrote it. “Ugh…. What the hell am I doing?” Hange removed her headphones, closed her eyes tight, inhaled then exhaled. “Okay Hange. You wanted to write this thesis for Levi right? You read his whole story. This should be easy.”

She just needed to write enough to remember his story. Enough to at least shoehorn him into her own thesis.

“And after that, you never have to think about him again,” Hange said. She opened her phone again and stared at the last sent message.

January 3 6:21 AM

Wanna talk when you get back?

“I wonder…. Did you talk to Shela?” Hange asked quietly, almost to herself. But Shela would have told her right? But what if Levi told her not to tell? What if he just wanted to cut it off already?

It was an idea Hange didn’t want to entertain just yet. Thesis was looming, graduation was hanging over her head like some sort of dark cloud. She didn’t have time to deal with heartbreak.

So in the wee hours of morning, Hange composed a quick last message to Levi.

January 5 2:23 AM

Hey, I’m sorry about everything. I should have been more sensitive to your needs. Even if you don’t wanna meet after this, it’s fine. I had a great time working with you and I’ll remember these past few months :D. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

Just assure me please. Did you get to talk to someone? I hope you did. I was just concerned. But it doesn’t matter too much now. As long as you’re okay.

And the next few actions after that were automatic.

Settings. Profile. Ignore Messages.

She had more important things to think about then. She had to admit, her inbox was starting to look a bit better without that thread she was constantly checking that had a string of messages that had been so pathetically ignored.

That last decision and the last few actions leading up to it had sapped more energy from Hange than she had expected it to. Or maybe it was the dim light of the early morning and the small yet strong light of her lamp that had her realizing how exhausted she had been then.

She switched off the lamp and fell back on the bed. The impact had shaken her to the bone and Hange found herself sinking into the mattress. She was happy to let it swallow her then.

The night was surprisingly bright. Yet, at the same time it had been a dark night, she was sure. She traced the sources of the light on the ceiling above. The light painted triangles, squares and straight cut angles. There were spots from other sources, maybe where the moon bounced on some glass objects.

Hange was too exhausted to sit up to see those refractions for herself.

She may have been too exhausted then to type in front of a computer or even sit up in bed so instead, she continued to count spots, trace the dim weak rays in the ceiling of her room, as she traced them back to the wide window, all the way to the point where she would have to crane her head to see what lay beyond. She soon realized, she still wasn’t tired enough to doze off.

The gears in her brain continued to turn. And they had only started to turn faster with all the intricate patterns the moonlight had created as it shone through the wide window of her dormitory room.

Should she close the curtains so she could get a good night's sleep? That question only occupied her for a second or so before she thought of something else.

And maybe there are sensations that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it breaks open.

But if these emotions transcended worldly experiences, if they transcended life, then they should be unfathomable, not worth the effort of understanding.

Hange though, had been a researcher for as long as she could remember. She had mottos. She had habits. She had unshakable ways of thinking.

Turning to her side was easy. It was a quick, comfortable movement and maybe she had done it to sleep better. Or maybe she had done it to just get a better angle of the stream of moonlight that entered through the window.

Her desk sat on a familiar angle. Her laptop was open but turned off. Her bag slung over the chair.

The stream from the moonlight shone over her canvas bag and down to the floor. It created a web of intricate patterns, patterns that had Hange hypnotized at that moment. They were angular yet they were round and it would have taken hours for Hange to trace them in her exhausted state.

Yet they were hypnotizing enough for her not to want to look away. So in an effort to keep up with the challenge the moonlight had given her at that moment, she continued to reflect as she traced at it with her eyes.

False bottoms. Sensations that transcend worldly experiences, Emotions that transcend the constraints of time and space.

“But if they are things that transcend human comprehension, then how do we make sense of them?”

Ironically, it had been in the most intricate of patterns that Hange saw the answer. It had been in something so mundane that Hange had to blink twice and question it for a second longer.

“Dreams?” Hange asked, barely a whisper.

If there’s something you don’t understand, go out and learn to understand it.

She didn’t understand Levi’s dreams. She didn’t understand how his mind worked. She didn’t understand the stories he had written out.

There were things she didn’t understand for sure but there were things she remembered.

And maybe all she needed to understand something, was the right amount of hints, the right amount of crumbs to make sense of it herself. Maybe all she needed was the review of related literature, the observations and her own analysis to write a conclusion.

The dreamcatcher hung aimlessly from her canvas bag like it always did. It had been something almost unnoticeable before. Only in the night when the moon shined on it, when it had etched a large shadow on the floor, possibly even a hundred times larger than the small keychain in her bag did Hange think about it again.

And she thought about it hard enough to reach for it from the side off her bed. She stretched her hand farther and farther and in the dark, her sense of distance may have been a little worse.

She thought she had been almost there and she was pulled back into that cruel reality in a single moment, with a loud painful thud.

“Ow!” Hange quickly got up, a result of that adrenaline rush from the harrowing experience of a painful fall from her bed. She unfastened the dream catcher from her bag, on the way back to the bed, she grabbed her phone, her earphones and sat on her bed.

That time, she eased herself onto the bed and under the covers.

She held the dreamcatcher above her, tracing the purple, the green. She knew they were purple and green but under the moonlight they seemed almost blue, and maybe she could have even mistaken the purple and green for one another.

Her only hint to the shades after all were the way they reflected the moonlight on themselves.

Eventually, her arms got tired, still aching from that painful fall. She slipped the dream catcher under her pillow and turned on her side. She put one earphone on her left ear, another on her right and she turned on her phone and shuffled her music.

The dormitory was silent with everyone gone for the holidays.

Eerily silent. She was used to living alone, it wasn’t anything new. But recently, she had frequently found herself missing him, maybe missing her parents, she started to realize the silence, the isolation that came with it was almost unbearable.

So maybe she had been listening to music, maybe she had been talking to herself a little more.

And those dreams, they probably would help. Hange thought to herself as she set her phone to her side, a good distance from the edge of the bed.

She had dreamt enough to know, she couldn’t control dreams. But if they did come, they would come in hints, puzzle pieces and maybe something she could easily write down in the morning.

So she willed them to come in that silent night. She whispered to Commander Zoe. She pressed that dream catcher one more time.

Hange closed her eyes, adjusted the volume of the music and evened her breathing.

The dreams would choose when to come, if they chose to come at all. All she could do was trust in them.

***

Levi would have liked to blame the snow for his inability to concentrate.

It was fucking loud. The patter came too randomly, Levi struggled to find patterns in it. For a few seconds at a time, the snow would patter on the window in big loud waves. Other times, the snow came in plip plops reminiscent of a rainy spring day. A few times, it shifted to something slow and gentle Levi could have used it to lull himself to sleep.

It was a piece of music on rubato, and the musician was just a little too keen on leaving his audience unhinged.

And just that quick thought at least absolved Levi of any blame. He didn’t feel too much self loathing then. Just utter frustration and maybe a pinch of sadness.

The document in front of him was just a mish mash black words on white paper and for the life of him, he couldn’t imagine they could be anything else. The top section was descriptive, very descriptive that he should have been able to do so much as to smell the whore house. He should have been able to grieve the loss of a mother.

But it was just black on white.

So Levi scrolled down three pages to find a source of investment elsewhere. He found vivid descriptions of life on a wheelchair, a frequented grave but for the life of him, he couldn’t even imagine the large tree above, or the vivid descriptions of airplanes on the blue sky.

But it was just words on paper.

“What do you think?” Hange asked. She looked at him expectantly. “It’s not a lot… I’ve just been working on this in between my thesis and I don’t have much going for me but my own memories… But I rewrote some bullet points while I was trying to remember it and I just thought you know if I put my own writings in between what you have so far...maybe it could help you process it.”

“Process... it?”

“But if you don’t wanna think about it, it’s fine.”

Remember? Levi wanted to remember. Those weren’t black pixels on white pixels, conveniently strung together to make symbols. They were vivid descriptions of another world, another life for sure. But why couldn’t he bring himself to invest in it… Anymore?

“Maybe I just need a break,” Levi set aside the laptop on the side table and leaned back on the bed.

“You’re tired, injured. You could even get sick,” Hange said. “I don’t expect you to think too much of it, I just thought it would help pass the time.” She looked away guiltily.

“I’m not angry about you forcing me to get my knee checked again. Jumping in the dead of winter with a sprained knee was a stupid move.”

“I know it was. But I also know you’re probably tired of hospitals already.”

“I am tired of hospitals. But you were right. When they tested my knee, it didn’t feel right. I’m pretty sure I tore something again.”

“It was swelling… And I knew we could have just iced it but, you know you jumped pretty high, you ran pretty fast, it’s kinda scary you did that with your knee... In the middle of winter of all times of the year? God---Levi, What were you thinking? Armin told me he’d stop by the field to pick up Mikasa’s things so you know if I didn’t go out to meet him just in case he got lost, I probably wouldn’t have made it. At least Armin had half the mind to text me when you wouldn’t listen to him…” Hange trailed off. “But I wish I had arrived earlier, maybe I could have stopped you.”

“You wouldn’t have convinced me not to jump,” Levi said.

“Why do you say that?”

“No one would have convinced me. I was dead set on jumping that one last time.”

“Why did you wanna jump?”

“Closure.” It was a simple answer to a simple question. But as Levi enunciated each syllable, he became a little self conscious about how pretentiously short that answer had been. It was closure, he was sure but there were layers to that answer he couldn’t comprehend for himself in that moment.

Hange seemed to sense it too. She narrowed her eyes at him and opened her mouth ready to speak before she closed it again and let her eyes fall on the hospital bed. “Couldn’t you find closure elsewhere? Did you have to risk your knee for it?”

“What do you know? ” Levi ran his eyes over his thighs and up to his knee propped on a few pillows. He started to feel the beginnings of guilt a second later. His intention never was to offend.

What do you know? That question had been for him.

You didn’t live your whole college life jumping only to end up in a state where you can barely walk. Was that what Hange heard? Maybe. She looked like she did. After all, she was blushing then. As if she had been aware of that slight vulnerability, she bit her lip, looked away and stretched out over the side of the bed to get back her laptop.

Levi felt obligated to reassure her. “You know I don’t intend to jump again. I wish I could. But I think that last jump helped me accept that that part of my life is over.”

“So, what next?” Hange asked. “Erwin mentioned you could get surgery to fix the partial tear.”

Levi shook his head. “And skip more school then hope I can jump again? The surgery isn't necessary. The knee can heal on its own.”

“But what about other---”

“Jumping opportunities? Other athletic opportunities? I said, that part of my life is over.”

“You had a lot of talent you know.”

“You’re not the first person to say that.”

Hange managed a smile, a smile that was far from happy. But at the least, it could be contagious. “Then it was an honor to see you fly that one last time Captain Levi.”

Levi could have sworn he saw something glisten as she crinkled her eyes, a supplement to her wry smile. “I was never the captain of my team. You know that,” he said.

“That wasn’t what I meant---” Hange had been meaning to finish, or at least she looked like it. The knock on the door though had been loud and it tore through that soft conversation.

Hange stood up from her seat and opened the door slowly.

“Erwin told me you too would be here. I finished up early today so I thought I’d pop in.”

Levi nodded in greeting. He had been too ashamed to say anything else. But he was determined at least to show some respect.

“It looks like you two are talking again. Doctor Erwin told me what happened and I thought…” The moment Kuchel made eye contact with Levi, her eyes widened. “Levi… You…”

Levi found himself particularly self conscious then, he looked down at his thick sweater, at his knee. “I sprained my knee again.”

Kuchel was quick to recover. “I noticed that much,” she said. “I was talking about…” She gave him a long awkward onceover. She shook her head.

She wasn’t the only one who seemed uncomfortable then. Hange hadn’t looked back at him since Kuchel had entered the room. Her whole disposition had somehow changed in that few seconds.

“You okay?” Levi asked.

Hange didn’t answer. She booted her laptop again and angled it towards Kuchel who had approached them and set a chair next to his bed.

“It looks like you managed to let go already Captain Levi.” Kuchel said, as she cocked her head to the side and smiled.

Captain Levi. The words whispered once again inside him, too softly Levi found it easy to brush it away. “You know, you were right. The emotions would leave on their own. It still hurts but I don’t see any reason to fight it if I know it’s gonna heal eventually. That’s how closure is supposed to feel like right?”

Shela shook her head. “Closure manifests differently for each person. But it’s normal to forget when you accept. Sometimes we find ourselves forgetting why we were ever sad at all. Or sometimes we just forget the details. Or sometimes it just feels like everything was all just a bad dream.”

“These past few months since the injury, they’re starting to blur together like some dream.” He turned to Hange who was starting to seem more and more uncomfortable. He chose that moment to reflects and he started to wonder why he had even avoided her in the first place. His next few words came out automatically “ I’m sorry what I did, and about our fight last month, I wasn’t angry about the injury if that’s what you think,” Levi said. The apology came out of nowhere, it felt misplaced. He started realize that maybe he should have given that apology much earlier.

Why then?

Hange had heard the apology for sure, but maybe she had just chosen to ignore it. “But Levi, you wrote these right? These dreams?” Hange said, as if she had taken his stare then as some cue to speak. She turned to Kuchel and to Levi, her movements seemed desperate then. She had at least kept some composure in her expression.

“I wrote them out,” Levi said. “But to be honest... I’m starting to forget why I did.”

"Emotions and dreams fickle things. They come and go when they please but sometimes we wanna keep them on record so we could relive it and process it. That’s why if you wanna grasp it and preserve it before it leaves... If you wanna be able to relive it, you have to write it down. This is why I ask all my patients to write things out. "

"Levi did." Hange turned to Levi. You wrote everything down right? You showed me a while ago, you wrote this and this… Shela, if they were his dreams, his emotions...he was writing it"

Shela’s expression was unmoving. "Those dreams weren’t supposed to be his. Maybe that's why they had been just a little more fickle. Who knows? Maybe Captain Levi just took it back already.”

“Why take it back?” Hange asked

“Maybe he fulfilled his unfinished business. Maybe he found closure.”

“But Levi you should have remembered writing it? You’ve been on it for months. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten these last three months right?”

“I haven’t,” Levi said reassuringly.

“Then why aren’t you thinking about it anymore. Why am I the one thinking about it for you?” Hange pressed. There was a crack in her voice and Hange looked ready to slam her laptop on the floor.

“I remember writing it. I’m just wondering for myself why I wrote it out in the first place. Maybe because I didn’t have much to do. I got injured, I was stuck at home and you know, those days in your apartment, those days stuck in the dorm, they just blended together.”

“But you weren’t just indoors… We went out to the mountains. You were telling me these stories and you were telling me how Commander Hange was like. Levi, I felt things. I remembered all of it. You can’t just leave me hanging like this---”

Shela cleared her throat, uncharacteristically louder than usual. “You know, you seem more relaxed now. How does it feel Levi? Does it feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders? Like you walk up from a bad dream?"

Levi nodded. "I'm just wondering why I'm exhausted."

“Of course you’re exhausted, you jumped while injured in the middle of winter. But relaxed is still a different feeling altogether, particularly compared to you the past few months. When I look at you now, you seem… freer?”

Freer? Levi shrugged. When had he ever been trapped?

For a while the room had been silent and it was Hange who broke it. "Levi, I wrote everything out, about what happened to Captain Levi in the survey corps. You may have deleted the file but I remembered them. These were your stories. These were the dreams you had. Hell, if Kuchel’s theory is correct, these are memories from your past life."

To humor Hange more than anything, Levi reread the bullet points and the effort quickly proved futile. They were bullet points of events, they could have been a timeline that Levi couldn’t for the life of him make sense of it. And he found himself a little annoyed at her tenacity.

“You still have a lot to write Hange, even I can’t make sense of it,” Kuchel said from behind. She gave Hange a reassuring pat.

The pout on Hange’s face, the way it had darkened into something similar to disappointment, had Levi almost guilty. Her emotions ran deeper than disappointment, he was sure. And for a second or so, Hange seemed crestfallen, ready to leave the room. The only thing tying her to the room then could have been her own strong penchant for seeking answers,

“You think you’ll be able to write again?” Hange asked. She looked like she could have said more. It was as if squeezing out that one sentence had sapped all energy out of her.

Levi shrugged. “Maybe I will.”

“When?”

“When the inspiration comes again.”

***

When will the inspiration come again? Hange always asked good questions and if she asked a question that couldn’t be answered, she always had an explanation to follow. Or at the least, she knew how to phrase questions in a way that could get answers.

Levi couldn’t answer and Hange wasn't helping him either. The tense silence that followed, loomed exclusively over the two of them. Although the conversation had shifted to a dialogue between Levi and Kuchel, even when Hange had kept quiet, pulling her focus back on her laptop in front of her, or her phone, the tension never left.

Levi had attempted to cut at it by focusing on Kuchel. He had provided a long drawn out explanation of his own emotions for Kuchel and in return, Kuchel had provided a long drawn out interpretation of his explanations.

Maybe drawing the conversation out longer than expected was unnecessary. In the end, the only take home Levi had for himself then was that the past few months were a blur and any effort to make sense of it would be completely futile.

Kuchel left them both in the silence, mentioning something about another meeting. Alone in the room, in the tense silence continued to haunt. It was Hange who spoke up again asking that same question. “When will inspiration come again?”

“You sound pretty fixated on my inspiration. Maybe you should write the end for yourself then.” The sudden acceptance had Levi relaxing on the bed soon after Kuchel had left the room.

“It’s not about writing… This story in particular, it meant a lot to me too.”

“I’m sure it meant a lot. It meant a lot to me too but weirdly, I just don’t care about it as much as I used to.”

“What about us?”

“What do you mean ‘about us?’”

“About us… The past few things you were writing the story and you were talking about Commander Hange and Captain Levi. That was about us right?”

“You heard my answer to Kuchel, it was a blur.”

“No, I meant about us in the past few months. Are you angry with me? Do you want me out of your life?”

“You wanna leave?.”

“No it’s not that. It’s just…” Hange breathed out, shaking her head in disbelief. “You didn’t talk to me for weeks.”

Levi looked away, hiding the wince in his face. “I told you, I’m sorry I don’t even remember why I did it.”

“So do you want me here?”

“Yes, I don't want you to leave, I thought it was obvious.”

“Well it looks like it wasn’t so obvious, I thought you’d want me to leave. You didn’t reply to any of my messages and I remembered, we’ve only known each other for months.”

“I think 'months' are more than enough for me to realize that I want you here. For a long time. Maybe longer than that.” Maybe even forever.

Did he say that ‘forever’ part out loud? He didn’t expect Hange’s smile then.

Her eyes were wide open, her lips curled up into a big smile. The overall expression on her face had seemed unreadable. She could have been mocking him, she could have been freaked out or she could have been that good balance between surprised and happy “So what are you saying? We’re soulmates?” She asked.

“You don’t believe in soulmates,” Levi said. The facade of disconnect was hurriedly done, consequently, it felt almost shoddy.

“Fate?”

“You told me yourself, you don’t believe in fate either.

“I don’t.”

“It was a choice right? Everything that brought us to this point was all just borne of choice. You made the choice to work for me, I made the choice to cooperate and here we are.” Levi felt a hand slip under his and it grabbed him from underneath. Levi didn’t have to look down to comprehend it, Hange’s face had said it all.

“But you know, I’m starting to believe in this abstract thing called soulmates. And this other abstract thing called fate,” she said

“Aren’t you a researcher?”

“I have the evidence, Levi. Someone has been coming into my dreams too and she’s been telling me about you.”

“You know, they must have been some really good dreams if they convinced you to believe in them.

“They were. They really were. And you know what, they only keep coming.”

Levi had closed his eyes long before then. And the patter on the window had mellowed to something rhythmic and along the way it had softened altogether. Whether it had been due to the even patter or through her own volition, Hange had stopped talking, her breath had evened out.

And when Levi started to dream again, the shift had been too gradual, too kind. The dreams weren’t loud, they didn't demand attention. They didn’t make themselves known. When Levi opened his eyes again, the idea that he had fallen asleep had seemed almost surreal, unbelievable.

“You can go back to sleep,” Hange said. She seemed focused on something on her laptop again.

Levi looked out the window, the sky was dark but the snow continued to fall.

“Erwin told us we could stay another night.”

“Why?”

“We’re completely snowed in.”

“Okay,” Levi said. He had attempted to go back to sleep and it had only proved frustratingly unsuccessful. The confusion at having the view by the window so suddenly shift from sky blue to complete black still had him disoriented.

So he found orientation in Hange’s concentrated look then and the white of the screen reflected in her glasses. Even behind the glare, her long lashes were noticeable, her hazel brown eyes could still be traced, the shades of brown discerned. So he continued to looked, and he had managed to pass the time much more quickly.

“How are you feeling?” Hange asked as she looked up at him. The glare of the screen disappeared from her glasses and Levi found himself unable to respond for a second longer as he appreciated the unmarred view of her eyes then.

It was a lucid view of her then that sent a pang of regret through him. It was quick and if Levi didn’t let it wash through him then, if he didn’t give it full control over him in that moment, maybe he would have never remembered it happened, maybe he would have never remembered to appreciate Hange then.

“I feel like I just had one long dream,” Levi said. maybe the dreams could have explained the slight pang of regret then. But they were too far off already for Levi to look back on. So he surrendered quickly and kept silent.

Hange didn’t hesitate to take the reins of the conversation. “I was writing.”

“About what?”

“About your dreams. I'm trying to remember what else you wrote.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t think you ever gave names to the two titans you caught for me."

Titans? Levi couldn't follow the conversation. With nothing else much to contribute, he nodded.

Hange continued. “So I named them myself.”

“What did you name them?” Levi asked, an attempt to humor her more than anything.

Hange’s face had curled to a smile as she spoke and she opened her mouth a little bit, exposing her teeth underneath. She seemed to be enjoying it. “Their names are Sonny and Bean"

Somehow, Levi was starting to get invested too. “Hey Hange, since we’re gonna be stuck here for a while, maybe you can tell me what a titan is.”

#levihan #levihan fanfiction

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mattzerella-sticks · 4 years ago

Text

“is scamming gay rights?” - Dean & Jack, DeanCas, Bi!Dean (ao3)

Jack tries teaching Dean about his latest obsession, TikTok, except a breakdown in communication teaches Dean that, sometimes, acronyms can mean more than one thing.

Dean didn’t understand exactly what Jack rambled on about, but he passed the point of no return a few minutes back and couldn’t interrupt without revealing he had no clue what the younger boy prattled on and on about. As it was Jack currently kept pushing his phone in Dean’s face, gesturing at it and shaking it every ten seconds or so. Dean glanced between Jack and it; each time he did there was a new video on screen and by the time he shifted his focus back to his son the lecture had moved elsewhere along a road he had trouble following. By then, he let himself sink into the comfortable numbing cadence of Jack’s speech, sipping at his beer, surfacing only when he recognized a word before diving back under.

His ears perked in familiarity as Jack used an acronym Dean recently learned, and so he tuned back in. Jack drew the phone closer to his side of the kitchen table, tapping on it. “There was this big problem with mlms actually, and even though I filtered my home page to avoid profiles like that, they kept popping up,” he said, “Luckily TikTok went ahead and basically blacklisted and deleted all mlm content. Now, I rarely see any of those kinds of content.”

Dean’s features shuddered, mouth dropping slightly in fright. His ears echoed with the awful drumming of his heart, and a painful wheeze tickled his throat, demanding freedom. He released it on a sigh, slightly curling in on himself. “W-what?” he asked, “You… you didn’t like it?”

Jack shrugged, “I mean, it was kind of annoying, but I learned to ignore them. When I learned how harmful the content was, however, I was very glad to hear that TikTok went ahead and took some sort of action – Hey!”

On autopilot, Dean snatched the phone out of Jack’s hands. He slammed it, hard, on the table between them. Dean pointed a harsh finger towards Jack, snarling his next few words. “I don’t want to ever hear you talk like that again.”

“What?”

“Or!” he added, fist hammering Jack’s phone further into the wood, “use this, this damned app – if this is what it turns you into!” He huffed, hands retreating to steeple at his chin. “You think you’re raising a kid right… raising a kid to be accepting despite being so close to the Bible Belt… and one dumb app undoes all that hard work.”

Jack, frozen in his seat, stared at Dean with concern shining in his comically wide eyes. “What are you talking about, Dean?”

“Look,” Dean said instead, his finger extending once more to point at the younger boy. It was a less accusatory gesture, softened by the gentle tone Dean adopted. “I know I haven’t been the best role model with… with that kind of stuff. Hell of a lot better than my dad was, though… still not the best. But I’ve been getting better, especially after I…” His words bottlenecked on his tongue, and through great effort did Dean spit them out. “After I admitted my own attraction to… to men, especially one man in particular…” Dean’s head felt like it might erupt, magma-like blood swelling his brain to dangerous sizes. “Cas.”

“Yes, Dean,” Jack nodded, “I know that. I’m… I’m confused what any of that has to do with this?”

“What it has to do with…? Jack…” Dean pinched his brow, tense shoulders collapsing as the strain became too much, muscles snapping like bridge cables. “I might not be the most… the most out, or the most proud, okay? But I’m trying. Remember that bi flag pin I wore during that hunt one time? That was me… trying. And I’ll keep trying, because this isn’t something I’m ashamed of.” He reached for Jack, ensnaring his wrist to make sure his message was well received. “So you see, being gay isn’t – it’s not annoying. It shouldn’t be hidden, or… banned and it certainly isn’t harmful despite what some repressed shitheads might think.” Emboldened, Dean levelled a disappointing glare at Jack. His lower lip jutted out in fatherly disapproval. “And I’d rather be staked on some piece of rusty rebar than let a stupid app make you homophobic. No more… Ticking-tock. Period.”

While Jack might not appreciate Dean’s ultimatum now, he will later on in his life. Dean imagined a future where he and Jack, much older than they were in this moment, sat on a porch swing talking about how good a job Dean did raising him to be a decent human being, as Jack’s partner, whose features he couldn’t distinguish from such a distance in their front yard, played with their son, named for the man who set Jack on the right path, obviously. He was knocked out of this fantasy, unfortunately, by the lumbering footsteps of his oafish brother.

Sam entered the kitchen, Cas at his side with a tome held open in his hands. Their conversation withered as they took in the scene they walked in on. “Hey,” Sam said, shuffling his way to them, “what’s going on?”

Dean opened his mouth, about to explain that he was dishing some serious parental law and wisdom. Except Jack hurriedly interrupted, rushing to speak first. “I have no idea,” he told them, “I was explaining TikTok to Dean, and suddenly he starts ranting about how it’s a homophobic platform?”

“Because it is!” Dean argued. He grabbed Jack’s phone, waving it at the others. “Jack told me that they’ve gone full Russia – banning mlms and… and it was brainwashing him, making him hate gay people!”

“Dean! I don’t hate gay people –“

“Because I acted before any of the damage actually managed to take root,” he said, “If you used this any longer you would’ve had more harsh things to say about mlms than they’re annoying.”

Jack groaned, scrubbing his face with twitching fingers. “They are annoying!”

Dean gestured at Jack, asking with exaggerated brows and frown lines, what they should do about Jack’s denigration. Sam, for his part, seemed unbothered by Jack’s callous attitude. “I mean,” he shrugged, “Jack’s not wrong. Mlms are… pretty annoying.”

Betrayed, Dean staggered to his feet. He faltered visibly, enough that Cas rushed over, dropping the yellowed book he held, and offered a hand. Dean accepted it, leaning on his boyfriend’s shoulder. The touch on the small of his back renewed his strength. “Sam,” he muttered, voice cracking, “how could you say that?”

Sam mirrored the confusion noticeably present in Jack’s features. “Dean, why are you taking this so personally?”

“Because, apparently,” Dean shouted at him, “you find me annoying!”

“No more than I usually do,” Sam told Dean, “But that’s never bothered you before?”

“Well, it’s pretty hard staying fucking unbothered when you think my sexuality is annoying.”

“What?” Suddenly, something flashed behind Sam’s eyes, and the fog of bewilderment dissipated as pure rays of understanding shone from his smug expression and annoyingly struck Dean in the face. “Dean,” Sam sighed, “you… we’re not talking about gay people.”

Dean snorted, “Of course you are. I’m not stupid.” Sam’s bitchy expression disagreed. “I’m hip, Sam. I know the lingo – better than you would, anyway… ‘ally’. Mlm… men loving men… What else could it be?”

“Mlm is an acronym for multi-level marketing, Dean,” Sam explained, “that’s the kind of mlm we’ve been talking about this entire time.”

“What?” Dean’s gaze bounced around the room, from Sam to Jack, then Cas, finally returning to Sam. “No, but I… the Internet, mlm is… it stands for…”

“Things can have more than one meaning,” Cas supplied, appearing pained as he spoke, “especially acronyms.” He pressed a consolatory kiss upon Dean’s cheek, touch sparking a flame on his already burning skin. “It was nice to see how outspoken you’ve become, though.”

“Yeah,” Sam agreed, “Like a modern-day Harvey Milk.”

Dean refused to comment on Sam’s teasing, sinking into his seat again while his mind processed this new information. Cas joined him, continually rubbing soothing circles into his back. Sam sat next to Jack, across from them. Jack, sullenly tracing the cracks Dean made in his phone screen, asked, “Does this mean I’m not banned from TikTok?”

“I just don’t get it,” Dean said, ignoring Jack’s question, “why would something that sounds boring like multi-level marketing even deserve its own acronym, let alone be banned from a whole app.”

“Because it’s bad, Dean,” Sam explained, “multi-level marketing is, like, an evolved pyramid scheme, made more prevalent because of how easily social media disseminates misinformation and reaches impressionable people. Companies like TikTok are doing what they can to try and curb all these kinds of scams because, well… they’re annoying.”

Adamant, Dean scowled and shook his head. “Mlm meaning that is what’s annoying.”

“Too bad, Dean,” Sam said, “that’s probably the universally accepted meaning for it.”

“No!” Dean said, “No, mlm is about gay people. It doesn’t have anything to do with scams.”

Cas scoffed at Dean’s side, mumbling, “But what if scamming people is gay rights?”

It was ridiculous, made in jest, and held no actual weight in a discussion, but Dean latched onto the throwaway line like it were the last life preserver on the Titanic. “You know what, Cas, you’re right!” he crowed, “Scamming is gay rights.”

“It is?”

“It should be,” Dean said, “I mean, do you know the number of times in my life I’ve scammed bigoted jerks for all they had? Scamming definitely feels like something that’s for gays only.”

Sam rubbed his temples, battling an incoming migraine. “I don’t know why, but that take feels homophobic.”

“Hush, Sam,” Cas told the other man, “I want to see where Dean goes with this.”

Jack nodded, camera eclipsing his features. “Just let me hit record first, Dean. This could go viral.”

Dean waited for the signal from Jack, a small thumbs up, and then he cleared his throat. “Okay, so here’s why scamming is a right for the gays and the gays alone…”

#supernatural #spn #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester #castiel #destiel #deancas #destiel fanfic #deancas fanfic #sam winchester #jack kline #mlm in both meanings of the acronym #spn crack

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anonymousbaev · 4 years ago

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Can I please request the RFA with an mc that have small boobs and is insecure about it?

RFA reaction to insecure Mc with small boobs

*Profanity and slight NSFW warning* Thank you for the request, as always slight NSFW ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Enjoy! (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

☆ Yoosung ☆

You always wore baggy clothes so it wouldn't be the first thing to notice that you had small bosoms.

Nobody in their right mind would even look there but you were sensitive about it, so it always felt like people were staring at you and judging you for your small boobs.

One day Yoosung and you accidently fell asleep on the bed together nothing happened it was a quick nap you and Yoosung still have your virginity, ok?

You woke up earlier than Yoosung did and tried to squirm out of bed when Yoosung tried to hug you back with his arm that accidently landed exactly on your breasts.

You screeched pushing him off of you as he rolled down the bed, “Yoosung!!! Are you okay?” You rushed to his aid feeling nothing but guilt.

He rubbed his head, tears slightly pricked in his eyes as he nodded and apologized, “Sorry I didn’t mean to touch you there- I deserved this.”

You kneeled next to him as you clutched your hands, “Are you disappointed..?”

He was so confused, “Huh? About what?”

You covered your mouth, avoiding his gaze as you mumbled out, “That I have small boobs-”

“Wh- what...” You both turn into a blushing mess. But he quickly composes himself before you get the wrong idea. “Not at all, the way you look doesn’t matter to me-” and then he blurts out, “Don’t get the wrong idea though because I think you’re incredibly hot, I meant gorgeous. A...anyways it’s the heart that matters. And you’re the most caring person I’ve ever met. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to meet another person like you. So of course nothing like that matters to me.”

☕️ Jaehee ☕️

Baehee is the complete opposite of you, she’s been rather fortunate in her upper area. And you were so jealous of her for that.

Especially when you both went outside together, it always felt like people were comparing the two of you.

You always held your arm in attempt to hide your flat chests.

Of course Jaehee had noticed the weird behaviors of her dear girlfriend.

She brought it up to you one day out of the blue when you were both getting ready to open the café.

“What makes you think that?”

“The way you always wear baggy clothes, cover your chest with your arm, and when you asked Saeyoung for his hoodie at the RFA party." You nod, surprised how she was able to put two and two together when she was usually clueless on stuff like this.

Your face burned up embarrassed to look at her in the eye.

"Mc, I heard people always want what they can't have. But if you actually get to have it you'll realize how it was nothing like you'd imagined it to be. Stuff only looks good when you can't have it, we can only come to appreciate ourselves. But I know that can be hard. I guess that's why we both admire each other's boobs. Cause I'd totally rather have yours."

♬ Zen ♬

You were gonna attend a awarding ceremony for the years notable actors as Zen’s date.

The dress you had to wear showed a lot of skin, especially in the upper area but you tried to tell yourself you could do it.

That was until you got there and you anxiously bit your nails. Zen noticed you and pulled you to the side.

“Jagi what’s wrong? It’s okay, I’m here. Talk to me, it’s going to be okay.” He gently pulled your hand away from your mouth, afraid you might hurt yourself as he hugged you.

“Zen... I can’t do it. This dress, it’s too much for me.” You glanced down at your breasts and blushed as you muttered out, “I don’t even have anything here and it’s so noticeable I’m flat as hell. I’m so sorry, but I can’t.” You clutched your hands together over your chest.

He smiles as he reassures you, “Baby, it’s totally fine if you think you can’t do it. Since you’re so much more important to me than anything. But just know they don’t make you any less attractive. They’re one of my favorite things about you after all, especially in bed~”

♛ Jumin ♛

Jumin had asked you out for a dinner date the other night, to which you gladly agreed to.

The next morning you found an extremely revealing dress on the bed next to a letter, “See you tonight, my love.”

Your heart fluttered at his romantic letter and gift but you felt nervous as you anxiously examined the dress.

You just couldn’t bring yourself to wear the dress that night, instead you wore a plain but formal coat dress.

It was completely different from what Jumin had bought you, the dress he wanted to see you in and you knew that.

When you were dropped off at a fancy restaurant, a waiter led you to Jumin.

The first thing he noticed was your dress, different from what he had bought for you. You took a seat.

“Darling, did something happen to the dress I got you? I was hoping you’d wear it tonight.”

You nervously fiddled with your sleeves before looking up to his black eyes, “Sorry, are you mad?

He shook his head as he took a sip of his wine, “Just confused.”

“Well... I don’t necessarily like wearing revealing clothes because I don’t have a lot going on here...” You looked down at your chest hoping he would get the hint, to which he did.

“And why is that a problem, darling?”

“Bigger breasts are more attractive, there’s no need to reveal so much stuff up here, if there’s nothing.”

“My love, you have plenty going on. You do not have to feel so insecure, you look lovely.”

👓 Saeyoung 👓

You jokingly stole Saeyoung’s iconic hoodie and teased him, “Come get it if you can!”

So the chase around the huge house began making a mess everywhere, much to Vander and Saeran’s disapproval.

That’s when you both began feeling tired and Saeyoung wasn’t playing anymore because he pulled you right into a back hug.

His arms were tightly wrapped under your breasts, to which he could probably feel. Your heart started to beat rapidly, not sure if it was because of all the running or the anxious feeling right now. Probably the later.

You told him to get off to which he immediately did, hearing the seriousness in your voice. “Sorry was I hurting you?”

“No... my boobs are small right..?” You soon confessed to as he laughed.

You glared at him giving him the ‘your dead if you continue laughing’ look.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh, but you’re so adorable. What’s wrong with small boobs? They're as attractive as big ones are.”

“What? So you’re still not denying that big boobs are attractive though!”

“Hmm... did I?” He lets out a cocky grin before getting lowkey serious again, “I’m saying it doesn’t matter, I love your body because it’s yours~”

Saeran and Vanderwood in the other room: “Are they seriously talking about boobs right now after they just trashed the entire house????”

♧ Jihyun ♧

Jihyun wanted to snap a picture of you when you sweetly smiled at the flowers, you looked like an angel to him.

When you heard the camera, your heart dropped, because first, you didn’t even notice him there, and second you were wearing a flowy floret dress that exposed a decent amount of your chest.

You have both slept countless nights together before, but him taking a picture of you in this kind of dress, that obviously showed that you had not much going on in your chest area.

It made you feel so insecure.

He noticed your uncomfortable look right away and apologized, “Sorry, my love. I should’ve asked you beforehand. I can delete it if you want.”

You shook your head and confessed with a sulk, “I have small boobs, they look unattractive.”

He stared at you dead ass into your soul.

“They do not look unattractive, love. Every part of you is beautiful and wonderful, because they’re all a piece of you.”

Ok but why does V in his kind of sound like a psychopath I’m sorry. This took me a while to do but I hope it’s to your liking dear requester!

｡･ﾟ(ﾟ><ﾟ)ﾟ･｡

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queenlua · 4 years ago

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hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue. see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP. and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP. so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on. there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc. you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

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beetleboo · 4 years ago

Text

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked.

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

#beetleposts #miserytag

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jk-unless · 4 years ago

Text

Tuwaine’s Friend

Pairing(s):Tom Holland x Black!Reader,Platonic!Tuwaine Barrett x Black!Reader

Warnings: None

Not Requested

~*~

You and Tuwaine became fast friends while he was visiting the states back in 2015. You ran into each other at a McDonalds.A middle aged woman was making a big scene about her order being made wrong.Tuwaine,who was in front of you in line,turned towards you and asked you if this was something that happened often.

“You mean at McDonalds?Have you never been here?”You asked,more curious than trying to be rude.

“Oh,I actually meant the states in general.” He clarified.The use of the term “the states” made everything click.

“Oooh,you’re not from here!Yeah,sadly,this is a pretty normal thing.It’s best to get a woman like her’s order exactly right the first time or there will be a scene.”

Tuwaine sighs in frustration. “I’m just trying to eat.”

“Don’t worry,it won’t be too much longer before she storms off.”You comforted him.As you said this,the woman let out a final obnoxious sigh.

“I will be calling corporate about this!” She angrily grabbed her takeout bag and stomped out of the restaurant.

“Thank God.” Tuwaine muttered quietly so only you could hear him.You giggled as he walked up to the counter.The cashier apologized about the scene to which Tuwaine assured her it was alright.He gave her his order then turned to you again.

“...And whatever the nice lady behind me wants.”

Your eyes widened a bit.”You sure?” You asked,taken back by the kindness.He nodded with a small smile.You thanked him then proceeded with your order.

The two of you ate together and talked about anything that came to mind.He eventually explained to you that it was actually his last day there before he went back home.Not wanting this to be last time you talked to the sweet guy, you decided to exchange numbers to keep in touch.

~*~

Now in present day,Tuwaine fools around with Tom between scenes of Spider-Man:Far From Home.As Tuwaine laughs about something with Tom,he gets a text from one of the staff members that someone by the name of Y/N L/N was there to see him.

“Oh shit,she’s here!” He exclaimed,jumping up out of his spot.

“Wait,the girl you mentioned earlier?I’m not ready!” Tom says,dramatically running to the nearest mirror to try to fix his hair.

“You’re Tom Holland,she’ll be happy to see you no matter what you look like.” He rolls his eyes at his friend’s desperate attempt to look more put together.In a matter of minutes,the two of them hear a knock on the door of Tom’s trailer.Tuwaine whips open the door and smiles when he sees you.He pulls you in and tackles you in a bear hug to which let out a startled and happy laugh.Tom smiles at the pure interaction in front of him.As Tuwaine let’s go of you,he finally introduces the two of you.

“Tom,Y/N.Y/N,Tom.” He motions between the two of you.

“Hi,it’s really nice to meet you.” Tom says with a bright smile that makes your face heat up.These are times where you’re happy that your melanin hides your shyness.

“Nice to meet you too,Tom.And may I just say,you’re even more attractive in person.”You say,making it Tom’s turn to blush.You discreetly watch in the corner of your eye as Tuwaine rolls his eyes.

“I can say the same about you!The pictures Tuwaine showed me didn’t do you justice.”Tom chuckles a bit as he remembers one pic in particular.”Especially the one where-“ Tuwaine quickly shushes him to save his own skin.Tom slapped a hand over his mouth,but it was too late.You menacingly turned towards you’re old friend.

“You showed Tom Holland an embarrassing picture of me?!”Before Tuwaine could even properly explain himself,Tom was called onto set.He quickly excused himself and told the two of you that he’ll be back in a bit.You watched him exit the trailer,then turned towards Tuwaine once again.He smiled nervously.

“You don’t have to go with him?” You asked,motioning to the door to which Tuwaine explained that he already filmed his scene.He tensed as you moved towards him,not expecting the hug that came after.

“You’re lucky I’ve missed ya ass too much to be mad at you.” You begrudgingly told him.He let out a sigh of relief and hugged you back.

“Oh,thank God.You hungry?”

“I could eat.”

~*~

As the day went on,the three of you actually spent a lot of time together.Even Jake,Zendaya,and Jacob would join you guys once in a while.And let me tell you,your heart was not ready for any of those interactions.You literally almost cried when Zendaya introduced herself to you.During you guys’ down time together,you’d often catch Tom sneaking glances at you.You didn’t want to get your hopes up,so you dismissed it as just him being curious of the person who seemed to mean so much to his dear friend.You really wanted to stay around all of these lovely people, but at around 1:00 in the morning you realized filming wasn’t going to end anytime soon and that you should probably turn in for the night.When you made this decision,it was only you in Tuwaine in the trailer.

“Tutu,I think I’m gonna head to the hotel now.” You announced,using the embarrassing nickname that you first gave him about three months into your friendship.He watched as you started to gather your things.”

Yeah,it is getting pretty late.You want me to come with you?”Tuwaine asked.You looked down with mock shyness and muttered “If you don’t mind.”He rolled his eyes and huffed at your antics.As the two of you made your way out of the trailer,he mentioned that you guys should inform Tom you were leaving.You agreed and the two of you headed towards the set.You made sure they weren’t filming before approaching Tom as he got his suit adjusted by a stylist.He smiled as he caught sight of the two of you,then realized you had you’re stuff in your hands.

“Oh,are you guys leaving?” He asked and pouted at you.His cute frowny face caught you off guard,but luckily Tuwaine answered for the both you.

“Yeah,this one here isn’t really used to being out so late.” He said motioning to you.”Not mention the slight time zone changed has me feeling a little off.” You added.

“Oh,no it’s fine,I totally get it.” Tom said,quick to reassure you that there was no problem.”So uhh,I’ll see you later,man.” He said,dapping Tuwaine off then turning to you with his arms open.”May I?” He asked.You giggled at his politeness and gave him an enthusiastic “Yeah,sure!” The hug was quick,but warm and overall really pleasant.As you were still holding each other,he muttered “It was really nice to meet you.” You smiled grew as you replied “You too,Tom.”

The two of you broke away and you and Tuwaine told him a final bye over your shoulder as you made your way to exit.

~*~

Like the good friend Tuwaine is,he got you safely to your hotel room and made sure you had everything you needed.He planned on staying with you for a bit,then realized that you were quite literally about to pass out.He turned off the lights for you as you plopped yourself down on your bed.Before he could fully close the door behind him.His text tone went off.He unlocked his phone to see that the text was from Tom.

Hey,you still around Y/N?

Tuwaine starred oddly at his phone.

Uh no,she’s passed out on her bed and I’m heading to my room.Why?

Okay,good!I got some questions.

You’re questions can wait,I need a shower.

Tuwaine replied as he set his things down in his own room.

DON’T LEAVE ME!! Tom dramatically texted back.Tuwaine shook his head at the text,threw his phone on the bed,and went to the bathroom to start his shower.

About half an hour later,Tuwaine came out of the shower and picked up his phone again.His attention was brought to a notification of a new text from Tom.

Tom: I hate you 😡

Tuwaine simply rolled his eyes,completely used to his friend’s dramatics. Sure you do.And we were literally in the same place like less than an hour ago,why didn’t you ask your qUeSTIonS then?

Tom: Because she was RIGHT THERE!

EXACTLY SO WHY DIDN’T Tuwaine began to write out,then realized what Tom meant by his text.Oooooh THOSE type of questions.Are they something on the lines of is she single?Maybe even her body count? Tuwaine asked,deciding to tease him.

Tom: SHUT TF UP ITS NOT LIKE THAT

Well maybe the first question...

I truly can’t stand you.

Tuwaine: You want the answer to your question or not?

Tom: 😐

Tuwaine: No she’s not seeing anyone 🙄

Tom: ...Set me up a date with her.

At that moment,Tuwaine really wished Tom was in his room with him just so he could see the look of disbelief on his face. Bruv I know you haven’t been on a date in a while,but that is definitely something you do YOURSELF.

Tom: But she makes me hella nervous!

Tuwaine: When did you start using the word hella?You’ve been spending too much time with Zendaya.

Tom: Can’t really help that when she’s,well,my literal love interest.

Tuwaine: Keep that attitude up and I’ll tell Y/N that you shit yourself in your sleep.

Tom: If you tell her that,you’ll have to say goodbye to my fans for me bc I’d literally throw myself off of the nearest building.

Tuwaine: You do that like every day on set,nothing new really.

Tom: I have to go arsehole.Please just send me her number.

Tuwaine: Sure.Don’t die while doing stunts or whatever.

Tom: Love you too Tuwaine 🥰😘❤️❤️😊

Tuwaine couldn’t help but laugh at the text as he put his phone on his charger and finally climbed into bed to rest.

~*~

Yow woke up at around 8:00am to a text from an unknown number.The text read Hey,it’s Tom!I hope you don’t mind that Tuwaine gave me your number.You smiled at the text and mentally noted to thank Tuwaine later. Oh I don’t mind at all 😊 What’s up Tom?Well I guess filming right?😂 You cringed at your reply but it was too late to delete it.You got a reply in less than a minute.

Tom: lol we actually got a lot done last night so I’m free for the day!

You: Oh cool!You got any plans for your day off?

I was actually hoping I could take you out for lunch? Tom surprised himself at his sudden confidence.He thought he’d end up giving you small hints that he wanted to hang out until eventually you were the one to ask.

You: I’d love to!What time were you thinking?

Tom: Can I pick you up for 12:00?

You: 12:00 would be just fine 😌 See you then!

Tom: See you then!

You were over the fucking moon.Tom Holland,one of your biggest celebrity crushes since CA: Civil War, just asked you out on a date.To say you were freaking out was an understatement.The date was literally four hours away,but you jumped up and started looking for an outfit anyway.Once you finally picked up the perfect outfit,with the limited clothes that you brought for your trip,you threw a hoodie over yourself and headed to the lobby,remembering that you were supposed to me Tuwaine for breakfast.

~*~

“So yeah I got a text that was like “Hey,it’s Tom!” and first my dumbass was like “Who the fuck is Tom?” then I read the rest of the text and I it mentioned you and I was like “Ooooh that Tom!” so then I texted him back and was like-“

“I hate to cut you off,” Tuwaine said,finally deciding to interrupt your rant “But it’s too early in the morning for you to be talking at this speed.”

You knew your friend was mostly just joking,but you sheepishly sunk down in your chair and calmed down a bit anyway. “My bad,I’m just really excited.”

“It’s cool,love.So I’m guessing this lead to him asking you out?”

��Yes!I’m saving my appetite because he’s taking me out for lunch!But that’s enough about my potential love life,how’d you sleep?” You asked and slightly leaned over with genuine anticipation.This brought a smile to Tuwaine’s face.

“Glad to see that you remember you came all this way to see me.” He mockingly told you,but you could tell he was genuinely touched.He went on to tell you that it felt like he was sleeping on a huge slab of stone,but he went to sleep anyway because he was too tired.You two had a long chat and before you knew it,it was time for your date.

(A /N: One thing I’m manifesting for myself starting this December 21st is a better sleep schedule.It’s getting late,but I didn’t want to go back on my word so I just cut it short 😅 Part 2 will be up soon though!)

#tom holland x black!reader #marvel cast imagines #marvel x black!reader #tuwaine barrett #tom holland

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tommyspeakycap · 3 years ago

Note

I’ve read all of your pieces and it looks like so much time, love and effort you put in there. It’s impressive. Do you start writing one and finish it before starting a new one or do you work on several at the same time? And how do you choose which of the requests to write? Do you go by order (how they got in) or do you pick the ones that strike your interest? Are there players who are completely off limits? This is on no way meant to be offensive or anything like that, I’m just genuinely interested in how you deal with that 😊

hi! thank you so much for this, it really truly means so much to me to hear you enjoy them and to have the time put in appreciated. there is so much love that goes into my writing because my aim is to make everyone feel the same kind of escape that i feel when writing and the same kind of enjoyment in the story that i had when it popped into my head. i love telling stories and i adore sharing them with everyone here.

in terms of how i take my requests, it’s never the same really. some come into my inbox and immediately i begin writing them or i immediately at least have an idea and i’ll quickly throw down some stuff just so i don’t forget said idea. other times, it won’t appear to me straight away but then maybe a week later or (shamefully) even months later i’ll hear a song, remember the request or be falling asleep and suddenly the idea hits me. other times, the idea never clicks and that’s when sometimes they just never come. other times, i do write them but they’re just not as good as if i was inspired. most of the peoples requests are very inspiring though!!

i almost never sit down and write a fic all in one go and i absolutely always have many, many (123 rn) different drafts all going at the one time. albeit a lot of those will probably get deleted the next time i decided to do a clear out.

i don’t have many players off limits, just the obvious kind of ones most on here won’t touch with a barge pole (e.g. r*naldo) some i don’t like as much as others so i might not accept requests purely because i want to give you all the very best i can produce and if i don’t feel i can give you something good for that person be it a character or a player, i probably won’t write it but in that case i usually will reply to the ask and let the requester know. other than that i only answer request asks once i’ve written the fic because i used to answer them to confirm i’d write them and then with the volume of posts i make it sometimes multiple asks at one time, the requests would get lost and i couldn’t keep track, so this helps me make sure i get around to everything.

sorry for the long reply! all in, i mostly try to write as often as possible because it does wonders for me, i enjoy it and i love to share the stories with you guys! thank you so much for the ask, enjoy this little insight into my brain :) x

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darlinvandijk · 5 years ago

Text

Good Girl

Concept: y’all already know so I don’t even need to explain. Just letting you know since half got deleted and I had to rewrite, it might be a little uh messy and have some holes in the plot, just ignore them lmao. Also it literally fucking sucks and I’m so sorry about that, like wow it’s such shit. Hope you little whores have fun while reading this nice and cute little car blurb. Think you can stay quiet while reading it? Hope you enjoy ;)

I smile at everyone as I make my into the kitchen, dressed in my new summer dress for the family get together they were having at the park today. Ruel grabs on to my wrist as I walk past him, lightly tugging me back so that I’m getting hugged from behind, his chin now resting on my shoulder, both arms wrapped loosely around my waist. I let out laugh as he snuggles his face into the crook of my neck, the feeling of his hair against my neck being super ticklish.

“Hey gorgeous, I see you’re wearing the dress I got you” he mumbles, pressing a kiss to my shoulder with a grin. I hum back in agreement, hands resting over the top of his, as I lean back into his warm body. We both look over to Kate as she tells us the plans for the day, all of us nodding along, and listening to her basically tell us to not torment the rest of the family that’s also going to be there. Kate decides that her and Ralph will be going in one car, Ruel and I in another, and then Sylvie will be with coco who will also have Wilbur in the backseat. Ruel of course was ecstatic about us having a car to ourselves, having complained all night about how we can never get away from his family, hopefully now he’ll stop whining so much.

We make our way out of the house, carrying the things we were all assigned to take, only to hear Ruel let out a shout and groan, causing all of us to flip around to see what happened. There laying in a heap on the floor, blankets and little pillows littering around him, is none other than my boyfriend. Before we even get the chance to accuse him of not watching where he’s going like usual, we see a ball of fur fly past the front of our eyes, four little paws slamming straight into Ruels stomach, leaving him a groaning mess yet again.

“Oh there he is! Hey Wilbur get in the car” Coco says, placing hers and sylvies stuff in the trunk, leading Wilbur into the backseat, and acting like she never saw Wilbur drop kick her brother. Kate and Ralph both shrug before getting in their own car, both cars leaving the driveway, leaving me to stand there and watch my boyfriend roll around on the grass. I walk forward and stare down at him, lightly kicking him in the side to see is he’s alive since he went still, getting a muttered “fuck you” thrown at me.

“You’re so dramatic. You know what, maybe you deserved to get your ass beat by Wilbur” I snort, leaning down to take the keys from his pocket, and getting inside of the car. I sit there for a few seconds before the blankets and pillows are thrown into the back and a tall body flops into the drivers seat. “Are you done throwing your fit so we can leave?” I sass, giving him an eye roll as he looks over at me. He stares at me silently with a small glare on his face, waiting to see who was going to break first. You can bet your ass it wasn’t me.

“Fuck fine, you win” he laughs out, a smirk lighting up his face as I throw my head back laughing, knowing he could never beat me in a stare down. I grab his hand off the console, bringing it up to press a kiss to the back of it, before holding it against my thigh. The only thoughts filling my head of how nice it was to just sit in silence with my boyfriend, no interruptions, and definitely no warning glances if a hand slips up a little too high on my leg. “I really like that dress on you, it accentuates your... eyes” he mutters, eyes darting to look at my legs every chance he gets.

“Eyes on the road lover boy, don’t need you crashing because you decided to be extra needy right now” I tell him, pushing his face to stare straight ahead, laughing at the whine he lets out. We finally pull into the parking lot for the park, both of us realizing you have to take a trail to wherever his family is set up at. I unbuckle and reach for the door handle, only to be stopped as Ruel turns my face and presses his lips against mine, giving me a rushed and needy kiss. His hand starts to slide up the front of my dress, before I grab it and move it back, leaning away from him with a stern look. “We have a picnic to go to. Stop being a whore and grab the blankets” I scold him, watching as he drags his hands down his face in frustration, both of us turning and getting out of the car to grab our stuff.

“I literally haven’t been able to be alone with you in two weeks! Two fucking weeks! Can you blame me for wanting to get at least a little action” he grumbles, walking beside me on the path as we try to find his family, glaring at me as I roll my eyes. He picks up his speed and stops in front of me, giving me no choice but to listen to him. “You seriously can’t tell me you’re not bothered by the lack of privacy we’ve had lately” he barely gets out, an accusatory look in his eyes.

“Maybe I’m just not as needy as you Ruel. I don’t need sex to live” I choke out, laughing at the pure shock and annoyance that’s spread across his face. I walk around him, continuing my way down the path, hearing his footsteps a few seconds later as he jogs to get next to me, a thoughtful look covering his face. I wearily watch him out of the corner of my eye, knowing his thinking face always means bad news. I was right.

“You know what, fine. Next time you want a kiss or even literally anything physical, I’m going to say no, even if you beg. Since you’re so fucking self sufficient” he haughtily gets out, watching the look of disbelief I give him, not understanding how one boy can be so over dramatic. Like yeah it sucks that we haven’t had any time alone for awhile, but is it really thaaat big of a deal?

“Trust me the last thing I’m going to do is beg” I snark out, lightly bumping my shoulder against him as I pass him and walk over to where Kate is standing, talking to one of Ruels aunts. They both greet me with smiles, taking the pillows out of my hands so that they can set them up, along with the blankets Ruel finally gives them. They thank both of us before making their way around to set it up since everyone had been standing and waiting for us to show up, but Ruel was too busy arguing with me to hurry up and bring them the stuff.

About 2 hours pass of us all just sitting around and talking, Ruel sitting with some of his cousins across the park, as I lay across Coco’s lap, laughing at Sylvie bringing up Wilbur’s wild attack on Ruel this morning. We’re all laughing and making jokes about how dramatic he can be sometimes before a shadow is caster over us, causing the three of us to turn with scowls on our faces. Guess who’s blocking the sun?

“Let’s go, I have to take a phone call, but I’m not going to go alone” he mutters, eyes trailing along my legs. I let out a huff and push myself further back on to Coco, lifting my hand up to flip Ruel off, hoping he gets the hint that I’m not going anywhere. “Stop being a brat. The faster you get up, the faster we can get back.” He snaps out, showing me just how thin his patience is wearing, making a lazy smile slip on to my lips as I enjoy just how much I can get under his skin. Especially since he wanted to act like an ass earlier just because he’s mad at something that literally isn’t my fault. Like yes, I completely set up a plan to make sure someone was always with us or barging into his room, just so I could fuck with him.

I roll my eyes and get up, telling Sylvie and Coco that I’ll come back as fast as possible, before turning to look at Ruel. He stands there and watches me, before turning and heading straight to the trail, probably wanting to take the call in the car. I trail behind him, watching the way his shoulders flex with his strides, and being entranced by the way his arms flex as he clenches and unclenches his fists. I instantly shake my head, clearing my head of all thoughts of his arms, because like I said earlier, I can live without all of that.

We reach the car, Ruel walking with me to my side as he holds the door open for me, before he walks around to sit in the drivers seat. I blankly stare straight ahead, watching the birds that fly through the trees, and the bees that fly around the flowers in silence. Ruels voice then breaks the silence as he answers a call, his voice instantly cheering up as he talks to Nate. He rests his hand on the middle console, my eyes darting over to see if he’ll make the move to hold my hand, only to be met with no movement at all as he laughs at whatever Nate told him.

I let out a small sigh, leaning my chair back a bit to get more comfortable, knowing just how long these calls can sometimes take. I can see Ruel make a small glance at me, eyeing the way I hold my hands on my lap, since I’m not willing to make the first move and grab his hand, knowing all he’ll do is throw my words back at me as soon as he gets off the phone. He turns back to look straight again, causing me to let out another sigh, hoping he’ll feel bad. I hear him let out an annoyed breath, before his hand reaches over and rests on my thigh, rubbing small circles as he pays attention to his phone call. I smile at his way of showing he gives in, placing my hand on top of his, giving it a light squeeze.

I lay my head against the window and shut my eyes, deciding that taking a nap for a few minutes wouldn’t hurt anybody, and since I was going to fall asleep no matter what to the feeling of him rubbing the same pattern on my leg. I start to drift off to the sound of his voice and his soothing touch, before my eyes instantly dart open and I grip his wrist. Just barely stopping the hand that was trying to slither up my dress, knowing this little fucker was trying to seduce me again. I give him a warning look before putting his hand back to its oringinal spot, choosing to instead lay on my side and watch him talk on the phone, my eyes trained on the way the sun reflects off of his smooth skin. As I watch him, I can feel my heart start to race, feeling nothing but infatuation as I just look at how truly beautiful he is, having never seen someone as absolutely breathtaking as him. Ruel glances over at me, raising an eyebrow at me in question, probably wondering why I was burning a hole into the side of his head.

“Yeah, sounds good to me. Yeah, of course. Cool, talk to you later Nate” Ruel finally says, concluding his 30 minute phone call. I open my mouth to speak, ready to tell him how I can’t believe he made me sit in the car for this long so he could talk to nate, only to be interrupted by the boy himself. “Want to tell me why you stared at me for literally like 20 minutes straight? Like you didn’t even blink” he laughs out, a small smirk forming on his face as he watches the way my eyes stay trained on his lips. My brain finally being able to take in all of him as we sit in the car together. Alone.

“I had nothing else to look at. So I just chose to look at you” I reason, a blush coating my face as he gives me an unconvinced look. He sends me a boyish smile after a few moments, lifting his hand to cup my face, his brain turning mischievous instantly as he watches me press my face closer to his hand for more contact. Realizing that my body was finally giving in to the lustful mindset that he was also in. So I lean over the console, pressing my lips against his in a light kiss, wanting nothing more than to show my boyfriend a little affection, finally taking in that maybe the lack of physical touch lately is genuinely getting to him. Since I can definitely feel the toll it’s taking on me start to fly in at a rapid pace. As I go to pull away, his hand instantly grips my hair again, pushing me back against him, my hands flying up to his chest from the sudden movement. He pulls away, hand still in my hair, with a hazy look in his eyes. A look that I know all too well.

“I’m not done with you yet” he mutters, reaching over and grabbing my hips, pulling me to rest on his lap, my chest pressed against his as he leans his chair back. He lifts his head up and connect our lips again, choosing to let them move at a languid pace, his tongue swiping at my bottom lip, waiting for me to open my mouth. I keep my mouth shut to taunt him, causing him to let out a laugh as he leans forward, completely pressing me against the steering wheel. He adds more pressure to the kiss, making me press my body hard enough into the steering wheel that the horn beeps.

“Ruel! We need to be careful, if we get caugh-“ I try to scold him, his mouth slamming against mine with a laugh, before I can even finish my sentence, his hips pressing up and rolling against mine at a slow pace, not wanting to completely jump ahead too fast. The action causes me to gasp, Ruel instantly taking that opportunity to press our tongues together, easily letting them tangle in the dance they’ve done together many times before.

My dress starts to get caught on the wheel from the way he still has me pressed against it, making it slowly start moving up my thighs, which catches Ruels eyes in an instant. “Wow look at that, already trying to flash me and I’ve barely touched you” he chuckles, a playful look flashing across his eyes for a few seconds before turning back to their lustful gaze, his eyes catching sight of white lace.

“Fuck you” I mumble, knowing he was going to tease me relentlessly for everything I said earlier, just to end up doing exactly what he wanted anyways. I’m not even able to care about the teasing I know he’s going to do later, the only thing filling my mind being that of the anticipation for his next move. Upon hearing my words, his hands tighten on my hips, and he jerks my body forwards, a gasp leaving my lips as the movement makes me roughly grind against him.

“That’s what I’m trying to do” he says, sitting up to pull me flush against his body, hands gripping my dress to pull me closer. I let out a gasp as his lips attach to my neck, slowly moving down to my collarbone, taunting me. My hands shakily reach up, tangling in his already messy hair, before I give a tug as he licks over a particularly sensitive part, a moan leaving his lips at my harsh hair pull. His hands slide up my dress, resting on the curve of my back, arching me into him even more than I already was, trying to press every part of my body as close to his as possible. My body ends up being so tightly pressed against his, that I swear our hearts started to beat as one.

“Look at you baby, all needy and out of breath for me” he muses, pulling back to rest flat against the seat, looking up at me with a devilish smirk, his hands sliding from my back to rest on my hips. I let out a shaky breath as his hands slide to the front of my thighs, my heart feeling like it might just fall out of my chest. “This might be my favorite view. Seeing you above me looking all pretty for me. You’re so good for me huh” he breathily whispers as he pulls me down, our lips barely brushing each other’s as he talks. My body tensing up at the meaning behind his words, becoming even more flustered than I was before, my legs unconsciously squeezing against him.

“Gonna be good for me?” He questions, hands sliding up my dress as he pulls my hips tight against him, a daunting smirk tugging at his lips, loving the control he has over me. I nod my head, unable to form words at that moment, too entranced by the feeling of his body against mine, and the need to be closer to him. He laughs, feeling the way I grasp at him to be closer, hearing the airy gasps that leave my lips as I stare at him in a daze. His lips press against mine, as his hands start to roam around my hips, causing me to let out a soft groan against his lips. He pulls away and trails one of his hands up my neck, grabbing my chin to make me look him in the eyes. “Think you can stay quiet for me?” He mutters, eyes darkening by the second. My mouth drops open at his request, my heart stuttering as it takes in the words that so effortlessly fell from his lips.

“I need you to use your words baby” he mutters, his thumb pulling my bottom lip and letting it snap back into place. I stare at him wordlessly for a few seconds, only shaken out of my trance as he pushes my hips down and grinds up against me, causing me to let out a whine and grab on to his arm. “Words. Use them.” He lets out, watching the way my eyes roll back at his touch, feeling completely euphoric in his embrace.

“Yes, I can be quiet. I promise” I mutter, looking at him with wide eyes, wanting nothing more than to be touched and loved on by him. He looks me up and down, eyes watching the way my chest rises and falls, taking in the slight tremble my body has in anticipation, and feeling my heart pound as I hold myself against him. I then lean forward and press my lips against his neck, sucking hard enough to leave marks, completely disregarding the fact that everyone will know what we were up to once they see them. He tilts his head back to give me more access, moving both his hands to rest on my ass, fingertips digging into the flesh as he holds me against him.

“You like being on top? Think you can handle it?” He whispers as he pulls me away from his neck, choosing to lean forward and connect his lips with my collarbones and upper chest, my hands tangling in his hair instantly. I nod my head as he glances up at me, willing to do anything to make him happy right now. He smiles at my willingness, opening his mouth to speak, but getting distracted as my hands start to slide up his shirt along his abdomen. Goosebumps rising on his skin as I drag my nails along it.

“I can handle whatever you want me to handle” I slowly get out, feeling the mood in the car literally triple. He watches me through dark eyes, before sitting up and pinning me against the window, leaving me a panting mess.

“Whatever I want you to handle?” He hums out, eyes watching my every movement, a grin lighting up his face as I shiver from his touch. I nod my head shakily at his question, watching as his hand starts to trail up my arm. “Good girl” he mutters against my lips, his hand sliding up to my throat and wrapping his fingers around it, lightly squeezing down.

“Oh my gOD this is DISGUSTING” is all we hear get screeched out, both of us pushing each other away, coming face to face with Coco, who looks like she could throw up at any second now. “Lets go, mom got suspicious and turns out she was right. I can’t believe this. I- you’re never going to live this down when I tell everyone” Coco states, watching the terror that spreads across our faces at her words. Both of us knowing we were in deep shit once Kate finds out what were doing in his car.

Let’s just say the talk we got when we made it home was so bad that we swore off car makeout sessions for life. I’ll never forget the look on Wilburs face when Coco said Ruel was choking me... in a way that wasn’t him trying to kill me. Poor Wilbur. I hope one day he can find it in his heart to forgive me for traumatizing him.

#ruel imagine #ruel one shot #ruel imagines #one ruel #ruel #ruel van dijk #ruelvincentvandijk #free time ep #imagines #one shot #imagine #x reader #ruel fanfic

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