#idk if i'm really doing much reaching here.
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HELLO I'm almost new here and I've started reading your writings and the truth is that they have fascinated me 🥺
i really loved them and more about the guards so i would really like more!!!! maybe this time a smut about a circle guard idk 😭 only if you can and want, i haven't read many about them. tysm 💘
Thank you so much, you’re so kind!
After Hours
💕Circle Guard x Player!Reader
💕Written with fem reader in mind
💕Word Count: 1.3k
💕Tags: Smut, Oral, Fingering
• masterlist • c.ai bots •
!!Do not proceed if underage or are sensitive these topics!!
After sneaking into the vents in the bathroom, you had been crawling for what felt like forever. Spotting a vent cover, you look down beneath you. Rows of guards wearing aprons lined up side by side, stirring large pots of what you recognised as dalgona. They worked in unison, stirring, pouring and stamping with varied shapes. Could it be the next game…?
Your studying of the scene down below is interrupted as some dust flows through the vent, causing your throat to itch. You try your best to hold back a cough and stay silent, the irritation proving too much as the sound echoes within the cramped vent. You pause immediately, holding your breath as you look down. You knew if you were caught you’d likely be killed.
A mask with a circle print stares up at you blankly, peering through the vent cover above the pots. Even through a mask, you can tell they’re locking eyes with you. Anxiety builds in your chest, someone knew you were up there…
The other guards continue to work, oblivious to your presence watching over them silently. The sole guard to see you had their attention pulled away, a triangle guard signifying the end of their shift. They exit the kitchen, a line of circle guards hanging up their aprons and filing out of the room. You wait nervously for the last guard to leave, but they simply hang up their apron and look back up at you through the vent.
Just as you’re about to crawl back to the bathroom, you see them wave you down. Arms outstretched, ready for you to land in after you give up and jump down. Pulling back the vent cover, you slip through the opening, falling right into their open arms. They barely move, your weight meaning nothing to their strong physique. Crossing your arms, you make it clear you aren’t afraid of them or what they’ll do. They don’t even have a gun, what’s to fear, right?
The guard looks down at you, shaking their head disapprovingly as they set you down. Placing their hands on their hips, they make a clear show of looking you up and down, noting your features and the curves of your body through your uniform. You had left the thick jacket behind, wearing just the t-shirt and sweatpants to crawl through the vent more easily. You glare up at them, brow furrowed as you watch them stare at you.
“Hey! I’m not afraid of you. What are you gonna do? Tattle on me to a triangle?” You mock, puffing your chest in an attempt to make yourself look scarier. “Yeah, that’s what I thought! You’re just gonna stand there like a… like a wimp!”
The guard watches you yell, listening as you try and think of an insult. You’re adorable. Bratty, but adorable. That attitude just won’t do, you need someone to remind you of your position here…
They step forward, towering above you. Grabbing your shoulders, they spin you around to face the wall, pressing you against it easily. Pulling your hands behind your back, they hold you in place. You feel your cheeks heat up, a blush spreading over your face as you’re manhandled by the tall guard behind you. It felt weirdly good, the hands around your wrists not allowing you to struggle. The attention felt good, even if you were trying to be angry.
Tilting their mask up ever so slightly, they lean over you, large body pressing against your frame. Their head finds your neck, pressing hot kisses against the sensitive skin. Trailing kisses along your jawline, they pull a hand away from your wrists, reaching up your shirt to run over your curves. The warmth of the guard’s body and their wandering hands causing your head to spin, the sensations causing you to shiver.
The guard notices your reactions, seeing you press against their hands, the way your lips part ever so slightly, cheeks dusted with red. They smirk, burying their face in the crook of your neck, sucking and nipping, leaving behind dark marks. Their hands squeeze your breasts softly, fingers pinching your nipples. Your quiet sighs and moans don’t go unnoticed, only fuelling their desire for you further.
Running down your sides, their hands pause at your hips, leaving you reeling in anticipation. Pulling a hand back, they slap your ass hard, chuckling to themselves as you gasp. Looking over your shoulder, you watch as they look down, kicking your legs apart. They tilt their head up towards you, eyes covered, yet their intense gaze causing your legs to go weak.
Pulling down your sweatpants, they let the fabric drop to your feet. You hear them let out an appreciative sigh, hands reaching down to grope your ass. You arch your back, pushing against their large hands. You can feel their gaze taking you in, feeling small under their looming height.
Their fingers hook the sides of your panties, yanking them down. Exposed before them, they waste no time reaching down to rub your aching clit. They hum, amused by how wet you are for them. A quiet moan slips out of you, the touch feeling incredible as you ache for more. Trailing circles around your sensitive flesh, they dip down towards your slit, a finger pushing into you. Your thighs shake ever so slightly, caught up in the pleasure being brought to you.
Pumping their finger slowly, they lean to press a dominating kiss against your lips, their tongue battling against yours. You feel a second finger slip inside of you, your moans swallowed by the kiss. Pulling away to let you catch your breath, they continue to pump their fingers, curling them against the sensitive spot buried within you.
Strings of moans and whispered curses leave your lips, their fingers filling you up so perfectly. They speed up ever so slightly, their pace rough yet still causing you to see stars, eyes barely open as you squirm beneath them.
Feeling you clench around their fingers, they quickly pull away, causing you to whine as your climax is held off. Gripping your jaw with their hand, they bring their fingers up to your mouth, pressing them against your lips. Watching your tongue work against their fingers so desperately pleases them, seeing you act so beautifully submissive.
Pulling away from your mouth, they kneel down between your legs, lips trailing up your thighs. Trailing their tongue around your clit, they tease the sensitive bud, listening to your pathetic moans. Sucking your clit softly, they moan at your taste, the sound vibrating against your sensitive skin. Their tongue trails down towards your soaked slit, trailing the entrance before plunging inside. Moans spill from your lips as they explore your aching heat, only growing louder as their fingers work your clit once again.
Feeling your climax building, you buck your hips, tilting your head back. They only continue, spurring you on and working you ever so perfectly until you reach your finish, moaning loudly as your eyes squeeze shut. You pant heavily, the pleasure taking your breath as you gasp between moans. The guard continues through your climax, only pulling away until you squirm from sensitivity.
Standing up once more, they yank your panties and sweatpants up, patting your ass teasingly. They gesture to the vent, reminding you to get yourself back and cleaned up, knowing you’ve already been gone a while. You feel their smug proudness, having left you a mess, smoothing your hair with shaking hands. Your legs felt so weak, the thought of crawling back through the vent already tiring you out.
They let out an amused hum, giving you a boost up to the vent. Something tells you this won’t be the last time you’re reduced to a moaning mess, beginning to crawl back to the bathroom. Until next time, you suppose…
#squid game x reader#squid game imagines#squid game fanfiction#fanfic#squid game fic#smut#squid game guard#circle guard#squid game smut
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the purpose of the film is actually to objectify this man
#what the hell else am i supposed to do with him#disney's pocahontas#pocahontas (1995)#john smith#'the disney movie objectified pocahontas' explain this then#and everything else we see him do while we're at it. i mean they tied him to a Pole#and dragged him around with a rope around his neck like a leash#what more do you want?? how much more 'female gaze-y' do we gotta get?#does this count as me hyperanalyzing disney's pocahontas again?#maybe.#but considering that john smith was modeled after a guy who was considered one of THE most fuckable men of the 80s and 90s#idk if i'm really doing much reaching here.#i'm definitely on a downward spiral though. i've hit the stage of being obsessed with a fictional blond man.#i should probably go to confession for this#i mean i'm obsessed with pocahontas herself as well but that's a different kind of tunnel
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I’m a trans man that recently got diagnosed with hyper mobile eds, so now seeing Steve makes me extra happy, because cool disabled ftm rep. Thanks for making the radical dude bro, he’s funky.
same disability (waving hand emoji)
Always extremely fulfilling to know my work makes people happy in some small way, it means a lot. Thank you for sharing with me
#I dont talk about having eds cause its not specifically really relevant to my work#been diagnosed with it since 17. woag 10 years next april...#anyways. yeah idk I like the blog to be about my art and I'm used to people asking me a LOT of questions about EDS or disability or canes#just a lot of stuff unrelated to my art. I'm happy to talk about it but I don't want it to be the focus of my blog!#So I've p much chosen to mostly just. not talk about it. even though I'm literally fine talking about it#it's just rarely relevant and no one needs to know LOL#but. I also know that EDS can feel very lonely#and that it's really nice to know other people out there have it#so. hi anon you're not alone#also just in case. literally don't feel bad about anything in the tags here LOL#mostly just like 'please people do not start sending me asks about whether or not you should go to the doctor'#or asks about ableist family members#or venting about pain...#just a lot of invasive and boundary crossing asks the more I talk about it hahahah#but I don't mind sharing at all.#sorry I think I lost the plot on this one#good luck on your journey. starting to accomodate yourself does wonders#and really just extremely happy my work could reach you in this way#sending you love#asks#anon
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hey man. i'm just saying. why would we put inexperienced teenagers with over-inflated egos and obvious emotional issues into combat classes and make them claw their way to the top of their dorms and expect things to just run smoothly. who actually thought this
#the reason rsa doesn't have overblots is because they understand the joy and whimsy of life and friendship btw#LIKE. why is there no school counselor?? do you know how much time & resources & effort & TRAUMA we could have saved the students &#school from if ANYONE had reached out to riddle and was like 'hey are you alright i heard xyz and i wanted to let you know...' ESPECIALLY#since TREY LITERALLY TELLS US 'oh well here's the lowdown on her trauma this is Probably what is causing this'#or if someone sat down to tell leona 'hey! i'm rooting for you in ur magift(?) game! you're my fav player!!' AND LET HIM FEEL NOTICED#or if someone approached azul as an Equal to try to stop his plans. as a friend even. BEYOND A BUSINESS TRANSACTION#or if ANYBODY BUT ESPECIALLY KALIM was like 'jamil i think you should follow your passions and do something you enjoy today!!' or AT LEAST#let him know he was appreciated as a person NOT JUST FOR HIS WORK#'i know you're doing a lot today but i just wanted to thank you for how much Effort you put into this and..' etc etc etc#ERM.. IF ANYONE TREATED VIL LIKE A HUMAN BEING AND NOT A CELEBRITY??? or even 'hey i loved you in this film i was wondering if we could#do a play together or something..!!' AND LET HER TRY A TYPE OF CHARACTER SHE NEVER GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE. and sing her praises.#if anyone reached out to idia beyond a 'hey the teacher said to come to class'/'get out of your bed and come to our housewarden meeting'#or even. IF ORTHO HIMSELF was like. 'you know it's not your fault... you didn't cause all of this. not really' OR SOMETHING#or if malleus ever got to experience a small firsthand loss AND WAS COMFORTED THROUGH IT. not just quick fix via magic. not replacing. just#GRIEVING SOMETHING??????? and wasn't feared by literally everyone#um. maybe the real twisted part is that all of this tragedy was easily preventable if we had a support system in place.#but idk. twst is a highschool. there's no support in real high school either. i'd probably overblot too if i could ajdjrjfinfdndjd#twst#chatter#LONG RAMBLE SORRY#yes overblots are essential to the plot. but also. do you know how frustrating it is watching the blot build up and sitting in silence.#I'M SORRY IK IF SOMETHING LIKE THIS WAS HAPPENING TO A GUY I JUST MET I WOULD PROBABLY NOT NOTICE.. but of it was my Friend or Housewarden..#I'D ASK BRO.... I'D ASK ... UGHHHHHUUUHHHH#not that anyone would notice if *I* was about to lose it tbh#speaks volumes about our society o think#OKAY NOW I'M DONE FOR REAL
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From my notes....... like to me Sharena is projecting a little bit, here. She's frustrated with Veronica not only because of her behavior, but because if SHARENA EVER acted out anywhere NEAR that way. Maybe there would be severe consequences. Maybe it's something Sharena makes an effort to correct, within herself, before any consequences can catch her. And yet. Despite all that. Sharena still has moments of attitude and dare I say, Stubbornness, too.
#my notes#book 1 lore#maybe??#idk i feel like i should be tagging the 'studies' i'm doing LMFAO#but like it has been SO fun and so refreshing to me actually. sharena is a sweetie a hype man 110%#but MAN. I REALLY DID OVERLOOK. THE ATTITUDE ON HER. and tbh i'm thinking of other instances too#where maybe she's blunt and fails to consider other people's feelings. thinking of a few alfonse interactions here#like. to me. i think sharena is a FASCINATING case. of someone who struggles to see beyond herself#but she longs for connection SO BAD. and she wants to reach others SO BAD. and she's SUCH a ray of sunshine#but SO much of her is also just muddied by the fact that she's just. constantly performing.#it's REALLY hard to see her bc of that.#she's not lying and she's not disingenuous..... but she is so deep in the performance of what she 'should be'#or how she 'should act' to achieve a desired result (often friendship -- which ALSO kicks her in the ass)#bc it's just. so hard to see her under there. but moments like THESE i feel like she jumps out#when she's blunt and when she's frustrated. back talking the commander!!!! damn girl!!!!!!#idk idk unfortunately i think there is a reason i struggled to fully look at sharena. esp early on#but i love her. i love her so much i'm gonna thrup.#sharena
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the irony of one the first main things established about omori as a character is that he's known for his great memory as if he hasn't lost the entire fucking plot repeatedly for years.
like he has a great memory!! if you don't take into account He's Actually The God Of Repression.
#replaying the game aggaaaiinnnn#now with full appreciation for foreshadowingggg#omori#omori spoilers#raven rambles#.....should probably have like a tag specifically for playing incase people wanna block it lmfao#raven plays omori#fr though he has a great memory until he forgets minor details like he was designed to help sunny forget everything#goddddddd it kinda makes you wonder though how much of it he's aware of#it's implied he still remembers basil after deep well. but I dont know if he's aware he's actively causing everyone else's#memory of him to disappear. like yeah yeah deep well is designed to make him forget too. he set himself up#to make sure sunny never reached blackspace. the loop resets if they fail. if they die#but the whole branch coral dialogue makes it seem like yes. omori is still very aware of basil's existence.#I have a lot of thoughts on deep well.#and especially omori not really realizing he's the one sending basil to blackspace because in past loops it was stranger who confronted him#his guilt of leaving basil is the one thing still tying sunny to the real world. mari is dead. he can't do anything about that except forge#basil is still alive.#as long as he remembers that basil exists#he will keep unknowingly dragging himself back to blackspace. blackspace would stay hidden if stranger wasnt haunting him lmao#he starts the loop by sending him there and then follows through on it by searching for him because he's not yet aware its his own fault#idk it's. aaaaaaaaaaaa#the hug in the true ending is everything to meeeeeee#I have a lot of thoughts about blackspace too but not right nowww thats an essay for much laterrrrr#there's just something about the “deity forgets theyre a deity and rediscovers it later and denies it and forgets again” that kills me#ESPECIALLY WITH THE FUCKING TIME LOOP#and then there's the route additions. he can accept it but he'll try to fight sunny to end it one final time#looooookkkk I'm veryyyy norMALLL ABOUT THIS GAAAAME#hylia and omori remind me of each other in their sort of ignorance of their own power. hylia being the reincarnations of zelda#see it all loops back to just Tropes I Fucking Love#there's a pattern here. do you see the pattern?
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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Sorry for being late today coming online, a lot has happened and I am trying to think about the best way to organize this blog going forward. For now though I will try to get the list updated quickly and read through my messages/@'s
#meg talks#mainly thinking about how best to spotlight people's fundraisers because so many are gaining and losing traction periodically#and some of my posts seem to get more reach than others#mostly what troubles me is i think that the more campaigns i boost the less effective it is for each campaign#i think that the small batches of donation matching campaigns that i organized with other people was the most effective thing so far#bc it guaranteed at least one donation to each campaign#i think i'm going to try to make other small batch posts too each day#like ''here are some campaigns that are close to their goal/low on funds/almost to the halfway mark or some other milestone/etc''#but idk. i just feel troubled and i think some people who have reached out to me think i have more reach than i actually do#i have less than 3k followers and a lot of them are inactive blogs from over the past ten years#ofc that still isn't nothing and im going to keep doing what im doing but im afraid people might be reaching out to me#thinking that i'll be able to give their campaigns more visibility than i actually can#im grateful that my master list has gotten some traction but the longer it gets the tougher it is to single ppl out#i don't know. if people have suggestions please let me know#for now i would really really appreciate volunteers to help w the donation matching campaigns#if i can have ppl committing to donating like 5 bucks to a handful of campaigns once or twice a month#then at least that's something that IS guaranteed u know... though i feel ashamed that i quit my job#and can't guarantee much myself until i find a new one#idk im just troubled and i'm not going to stop boosting campaigns but i hate the thought of getting ppl's hopes up and not delivering
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bengals win today yes?
#manifestation post 😊🙏#RIGHT#against a team with a winning streak#🤠#We Shall See#playoffs seem very impossible i can't lie lmaoooo but honestly i just want to see them Play Their Best and idk have fun#last home game this season!! and possible Last Home Game Ever for Some People apparently or whatever#i don't want to know ok. fuck that. fuck that endlessly.#so please win <3 i believe in you bengals i love you <3#insane passing and receiving yards!! insane touchdowns!!! insane passer rating!!!! insane receptions!!!!!!!#break bengals recordssssss#defense step the fuck upppp offense you're going against a savant of a defense is what I'm hearing here apparently lmao so just idk#do your best 😭👍 have fun#to be Honest i don't expect much 😭 because again. savant of a defense. holy shit. and rain?? BUT WHATEVER WE BALLLLLLL#bengals defense 👉👈 time to prove it isn’t just a minute thing okay? okay.#defense when i tell u u need to stop a run game u need to stop a run game genuinely why can’t you tackle. how. how the fuck.#god two more games im so sad 😔#no but really i read the what to watch article and just broke down a bit i genuinely don’t know what to expect#(also look at joes tongue poking out as he reaches out a pinky to ja’marr 😀 ok.)#is it too much too ask for a 60+ td from ja’marr ehehe#like ik its supposed to rain (oh boy) and he’s going against ps2 (oh boy) but i miss it#miss him 😔#anyway did u know mims my beloved favorite child mims is going to play through a broken hand. golly 🤠 and objs back!!!!#just keep everyone healthy i beg#i hope we get a pick six too lmaooooo am i really asking for too much for the last home game of the season against a team with such good#stats and players and with the probability of rain (?) am i really am i. am i.#im so anxious im sorry 😭#anyway hope joe keeps his streak going chase and geno too lol and ja'marr gets to break the rec and td record etc etc bengals win ilu
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Shoutout to my goated homies for helping me out with a fun and easy activity that'll help me draw a little today ;v;
#rii says#I might extend the activity here as well if I wanna do more-#but idk I'll do this with them first before I decide for sure!#it's basically an expression meme but I have my friends choose an oc that I listed#and then an expression on the meme sheet to have them doing!#a friend who I thought hated me actually suggested the idea...#he reached out yesterday and was like “You've been really frustrated lately do you need to talk?”#then I mentioned art block is a huge source of my frustration right now cuz I can't draw as an escape too much#so he suggested the expression meme sheet cuz I did that years ago when he first started following me and saw I had fun#I'll have to properly thank him. even if this doesn't work out I'm grateful for him trying to help.#it's a good suggestion tbh.#I'll likely post the finished products of the ones I do for them here if it works out
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be the shadowscale you want to see in the world
#p#skyrim tag#his name is dances-in-dark bc i was listening to too much bruce springsteen yesterday#i said i was going to make a dark brotherhood dunmer but merarii reached out w her cold gnarly bony hands#& strangled me for disrespecting the morag tong like that#& i would never say no to more argonians#considering installing khash i saw a post on here about her and the idea of a wannabe edgy assassin caring for a surrogate sister figure is#v nice#i mustn't start playing w him yet i mustn't#i have malin and also shivani and i really want to finally get the ball rolling on my faerin save#i think i'll remake lamya soon too she was my lady orc i was playing w/ to do daedra quests#& i want to try a pacifist run again too. i had a khajiit named minshur on ps4 for that but mayhaps i should branch out#idk if i'm feeling dunmer for that though
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bro why is my reflex to always make up a very flimsy excuse when i know that the people i'm talking to won't mind me saying the truth (not to mention the truth usually isn't like. offensive or disrespectful. maybe weird at most but eh most ppl i interact with know who i am and are likely just as weird). and then bc i'm a stubborn pos i tend to sink into it. i learned how to say no at least to strangers even without explaining myself so why is it still hard to do with friends.........
#as i said i KNOW they won't get mad so this isn't even about being afraid 😭😭😭#i usually don't manange to catch myself in time before giving those shitty excuses. why#i wish i knew the reason so i could unpack this shit from the source and find a way to not do it#but. beyond correcting myself after the fact (i did that today!) idk what else there even is to do.#also even that is so hard. bc i get embarrassed so easily. and making an accidental mistake is like a death sentence for my psyche#so admitting it is worse bc what if it'll be a death sentence for. idk. my image. logically ik it isn't but my subconscious doesn't#surely there is a root to all this. and i'm usually good at figuring these things out. but i'm lost here#also my doubling down sometimes turns into straight up lying which i really don't like doing 😔#vent#sorry. tumblr is my diary#(i figured rubber ducking all of you might help me reach an epiphany but it did not help much. oof)
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The Online Fandom 7 Deadly Sins
sloth: complaining about how no one writes the tropes or pairings you like and bashing what's already out there, while refusing to create anything you desire yourself
greed: zine and other finance-related scandals with zero remorse for those negatively affected
gluttony: spending rent money on merch, experiencing buyer's remorse, then repeating the same process next month
wrath: anon hate over literally everything under the sun, even harassing official writers and threatening them if they don't make your ship canon
pride: devaluing other's characterizations and ships to praise yours as better, whether through a canon perspective or a moral perspective, when neither matter in the long run when it comes to your own enjoyment
envy: trash talking others' fandom creations or saying you won't bother creating anything because it'll never be as good as them
lust: fighting over who tops or bottoms because of your personal preferences when one, both, or neither could happen, especially when most of these characters never even kiss canonically nor have most people fighting done any of these things irl themselves
#parker says things#i'm not exempt I've definitely done a few of the things listed#especially pride and envy god those really go hand in hand and it's sad#but seriously...guys does any of this matter in the long run#just have fun#if someone is having fun in a way that clashes with your own type of enjoyment just hit da bricks!#that guy's got horns! well not gonna ruin my day!#live like Yusuke guys#i've been afk because I'm dealing with some intense depression but fandom has actively hurt more than helped me#and I know plenty of ppl myself included think discussion of meta is enjoyable but I think things reach a point where it's only stewing#the inherent focus on adhering to a singular strict perspective is toxic to ourselves in the long run#have fun! be self indulgent#almost everything posted is gonna be ooc to some people even if it's 100 percent accurate to others#and just in general idk I think we should focus on fandom as a sense of fun instead of a marketing ploy#most of us are not here to make fanart or writing a career#I'm not really a community person and I've learned that the hard way over a decade and more#but i just hope people will find what sparks joy and enjoy themselves again#I don't think I'll be active in fandoms much anymore as I focus more on my personal life and recover from some things#but I wish everyone much love and hope for the best for people#even if we've had some bad interactions I do not wish ill upon anyone#i got off topic but these tags are just me saying I'll stick to lurking publicly and replying to my DMs and writing in private#will still post some things to my AO3!! maybe#anyways tag yourself I'm a recovering glutton/envy
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congrats to everyone that is still following me after I saw I had way too many followers to not have at least one antisemitic person following me, the fact that you don't think I murder children for fun is truly a comfort
#I wish this was /s but no genuinely#Had 22 followers. Every time I reach past 20 at least one is antisemitic#I now have 15 followers#thanks for not hating me for being born in a country once btw#Like listen I don't mind if you mass reblog propal stuff. That's good#Just please make sure it's not the posts that talk about how israelis are all evil and want to murder everyone#And maybe reblog. One post about how there's a lot of antisemitism in propal spaces#And how you don't want to make the jews on your blog scared or uncomfortable over that#Just one post. It doesn't have to be praising israel bc fuck knows I hate our current government so much#But I see posts about how secular jews in israel are actually european colonizers roleplaying#And I think about how 100 years ago my great grandparents moved here#And how I'm genuinely scared for my sister who is visiting friends in the uk in a month#And how I'm scared for myself if I ever leave this country again#Because apparently me not wanting to die is controversial in all my political spaces#Except for pro israelis leftist spaces#And that's really sad#That I don't feel safe with yall anymore#Idk#I once joined a mcytblr discord server#The first day I'm there someone asks to “censor i/p” and gets the response “just don't look at the vent channel”#So. I looked.#Not a single person in that server cared enough to say “but it's not all israelis” at the people raving about i/p#Like people out there saying I on a personal level would be happy to murder people because of where I was born#I still get squirmy killing spiders that have rather painful bites. I could never hurt another human on purpose#And they just kept agreeing with each other in the most echo-chamber-y way#So. I left that server#And now I barely do mcyt fandom stuff because I'm scared of getting attention#I don't want attention on my blog or on me as a person#Because at least one in 20 followers will cheer if I get murdered#And that's fucking heartbreaking
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Me: has my sixth sudden crying spell of the week
Also me: "yeah but I'm probably not ACTUALLY depressed"
#gonna be honest boys. I have been feeling like dogshit#started with me having a good ol' existential spiral at 4 am a week ago and now I don't even know what's bothering me#and then there's all of the bad stuff going on making me anxious for myself and everybody on top of everything#all the abhorrent transphobia has been making me feel worried for the future#(as if the passing of time doesn't already horribly scare me but I digress)#idk man. I already feel like I'm unequipped for the future because I've realized I never thought I'd still be alive right now#majority of my childhood was filled with adults preaching at me to think about where I'd be going in the afterlife so I did just that#that plus they were the type to believe that the rapture is soon cause “the signs are all coming true”#so I always thought that either that would happen or I'd die before now#well. I'm still here and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.#and I'm lonely. really fucking lonely and I'm going mad cause of it#never had actual friends besides the kids I was with at my old private school. now they're all raging conservatives who mock minorities#I was able to get away but moving on isn't as easy as I hoped#it'd be so much easier to betray all my beliefs and act ignorant again so I can have my friends back#but of course I can't do that. I can't throw out who I am and all of the wonderful people I know who would be “sinful” in their eyes#idk man. I think I've finally reached the breakdown I've been feeling coming for the past two years#fuck. sorry for this trauma dump of a post. I've just felt numb for months and now everything's catching up to me#needed to yell about it I guess#vent#phoenix prattles
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i love nimona
#i'm going 2 ramble here in the tags ok. okay? ok#god. look. i went into this movie thinking 'yeah yeah obv trans allegory woohoo' thinkin that's great! but#idk. i thought it would be something that could be brushed aside or sanitized easily maybe. y'know? like passed off as another kids movie#and i thought maybe other trans folks could relate 2 the movie and i was like ok that's cool let's watch it and. it was just#that one scene.#everyone talked abt how they cried and how it really Hit and i didn't get it until then#at the statue#i cried. a lot. and i never do that w media and i don't mean that to be edgy or whatever kssdfkjg but just#oh fuck#they Get It#that part. it reached into my soul and grabbed that core part of me and Tugged.#it Hurt and i felt it. the exhaustion. ready to give up. the cry nimona let out. i cried because i got it. and then i cried harder because#i'd give anything for a ballister in my life#my thoughts are 'they got us in the second half ngl' basically KSDJHFKSJDHFKSD#first half of the movie? great! but second half? oh. oh it punches u in the face over and over and gets better and better#it's so. SO good. god. i don't know when everything clicked 4 me i don't think it was a singular moment but. man. oh man#i need to rewatch that immediately#instantly a favorite. shit#it's so unapologetically nimona. it's so Itself and it's not sorry and i love it and it feels so special and i'm holding it so close#there's 2 much to gush about in these tags there's not enough space but just know. i am Insane about this#sap says#god. fuck
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