#idk i have a lot of symptoms and things i just can't describe

[witchinatree]

we're about to get real on the blog ☝️ sorry mutuals

long and very personal vent post (?) below be warned

i am not overweight (i used to be), i'm in the higher average category for my height, but i don't exercise (i'm also a minor)

for a major part of my life, beginning when i was 9 i think? i've had severe breathing issues and a lot of fatigue that significantly worsened during the pandemic. i used to run 5ks, play soccer, i did a tri-althalon once, i biked all the time, in general i was an active and outdoorsy kid! and then i felt my health decline, i would run a mile in my neighborhood with my mom and be crying in pain by the end of it, i quit soccer and stopped running and to this day i've never had that level of activity, because i can't.

i went to the doctor about this as a kid and they didn't give me an answer (i actually have no clue what they told me it was several years ago) and i started to gain a lot of weight (unrelated, kind of? i guess my sudden drop in activity was part of it) and was considered overweight by the time i was 12

this was still before the pandemic so it had just faded into my life; it had become a regular pain i felt and i no longer noticed it! and then suddenly it stopped being regular and once it came back i couldn't tolerate it

i saw 14 specialists my freshman year of high school, i had allergy tests, whatever that thing when they stick a camera in your throat is called, asthma tests, etc and the moment the doctor no longer knew what to do with me they said it was anxiety/inactivity/being overweight

so i went to therapy, i joined my school's swim team, i lost weight. my sophomore year i focused purely on proving to these doctors there was something more. but no one believed me. i hadn't been active for long enough, i still weighed on the higher average side, i wasn't medicated for my anxiety, nothing could prove to these people that something was wrong

and i gave up! my junior year of high school i tried my best to live with it, i settled into the pain that i had been fighting for so long. i had to quit the swim team because we got a new coach and she pushed us harder, wanted us to swim more, and i could not do it! she's a very kind woman and i cried in my car after every swim practice because i knew i had to quit because i was literally drowning but i didn't want to because i loved the team and i love swimming! i had a panic attack at the first meet i tried to attend and ended up just going home before any of my events and that was the breaking point. my mom wanted me to do one last appointment, and she asked for an allergy test. it came back with a dairy allergy, a minor dairy allergy that just means i can't eat my favorite foods anymore because suddenly that's the source of my pain that doesn't go away when i don't eat dairy, i feel ever so slightly better and now when i eat dairy i get really sick, but it didn't fix it

now i'm a senior, i've been tested for so many things and seen so many awful doctors who have echoed the same sentiment, i need to lose weight and become physically active in order for my problems to be taken seriously. i cannot be physically active because it feels like i will die

i became a vegetarian, i joined a sport, i fucking developed an eating disorder all to prove that i should be taken seriously and nothing has worked, my problems aren't easily diagnosed so they're not real

i'm not scared to go to more doctors, i just don't want to waste my fucking time, if there's an answer out there maybe i'll get it when i'm in a retirement home and it doesn't matter anymore

sorry about the long ass vent post i just see things like this and it really speaks to me as the (formerly) overweight kid who just needs answers no one will ever give me

also disclaimer ☝️ don't lose weight if you don't want to. unless you're gonna like die if you don't, you should probably lose weight at that point!!!! but like i'm happy with my weight loss but i wish i did not use the methods i did

it’s also fucked up that fat people literally fear going to the doctor for anything because they know the first thing out of their dr’s mouth no matter what their ailment is, is gonna be “lose weight lol” broken leg? lose weight. rash? lose weight. whooping cough? lose weight binch!!!!! like we get it. but can you just write my prescription you bitch so i can go eat a salad and not call you again until im about to die of the plague????

[icedille]

all this to say objectively speaking i know i should try to continue going to therapy but she can't see me outside of my work hours so it will be a whole process of asking my boss and maybe i actually won't be able to work full time bc of that and i. don't wanna. also even if i could go i'm not even sure it would do anything at this point because i'm so bad at talking about the things that are actually a problem and i KNOW i should work on that but seeing how the last few times went i'm not sure it's entirely my fault either

[sol1loqu1st]

.

[cursed-spirit-manipulation]

thinking Abt Suguru autism and struggling bc I have forgotten 1. Everything Suguru has ever done 2. Every symptom of autism ever and then I remembered Suguru fucking. Knows every curse he's swallowed. And it's like y'know what maybe I don't have to make an airtight case for this

[storm-and-starlight]

Rodimus and ADHD

I'm gonna start this out by saying that Rodimus having ADHD is something that's been pretty fundamental to my understanding of the character since I first read MTMTE/Lost Light (seriously, I can point you to the exact panel when I went "oh okay this is Canon to me now") but also that I've almost never seen a portrayal that really vibes with how I interpret it? A lot of the fics and fanon I've come across tend to take a fairly... typical view on and portrayal of ADHD where the things that are focused on are hyperactivity and task/responsibility/boredom avoidance, and to me that's not... it's not the, like, the fundamentals of how I read Rodimus and ADHD? It's not the main issues that affect who he is and how he interacts with the world -- those would instead be the impulsivity and the... idk how to phrase it, the "ADHD trauma"? It's really distinct and I'll get to it later.

The impulsivity is fairly easy to get to, and fairly obvious -- the best representation of how it manifests in Rodimus specifically is in the initial description of the Rodpod, where someone (I can't quite tell who from the panel) says "you know what he's like: he obsesses over something, then gets bored" and then it's revealed that Rodimus presumably commissioned an entire ship built in the shape of his own head. That's really what I see as the main ADHD symptom -- the mix of obsession and impulsivity. We see it when he gets everyone to go on the quest, we see it when he tries to chop off his own arm because he thinks it might stop the future from happening, we see it in his plan to stop the sparkeater -- it's basically how he responds to every problem he's presented with, and often significantly more than that, and that kind of impulsivity is very much a noted feature of ADHD. (Being briefly but intensely obsessed with something before losing interest and dropping it is also a really big ADHD thing -- just look at the cycle of hyperfixations that's so common in fandom).

(Also, when combined with his ego, recklessness, and carelessness, you get basically the entire negative side of his personality out of this, which is why I consider it so fundamental to his character -- significantly more so than, say, task avoidance.) (though recklessness, and carelessness are also fairly common with ADHD -- it's related to impulsivity in general.)

The "ADHD trauma" thing is a little trickier to explain: it's basically how I describe the constant awareness that you have screwed the hell up in the past when it's important and you are going to screw the hell up in the future when it's important and hating the fact that it happens and yet also being completely and fundamentally aware that it's something you can never, ever change about yourself no matter how hard you try (because you have tried, in the past, and it has never worked even a little bit). Like, hello, that basically describes my entire childhood and also the lives of most of my friends who also have ADHD. The panel that convinced me that he does have ADHD is the one that basically explicitly describes this, in Lost Light where he and Drift are talking after they return from the Functionist Universe and Rodimus says "Oh, I know what I'm like. That's the trouble. I know exactly what I'm like -- I just can't stop myself," because, like. that's it. that's the experience in a nutshell.

And like, I'm not saying that this is super severe -- he definitely has more self-confidence than is often warranted, but he also does have a lot of self-esteem issues, and I think this is really the root of them: failing, over and over, until you reach the point where you start thinking that it's bound to happen someday and that everyone will hate you for it forever. That's a super common experience with the kind of disability that ADHD is, especially if you don't know you have it in the first place, and that combined with all the smaller traits (the impulsivity, the hyperfixation, and yes even the task/responsibility/boredom avoidance) is what really convinced me that he is an ADHD character.

[nyaagolor]

What's going on with Nemona's wrist?

this is mostly just me putting down all my thoughts about this hc I have. Below the cut bc it's long as usual but read on if ur interested in like. orthopedics

I think Nemona has fatigue and some kind of wrist Issue because 1. She implies she has decreased motor function in that arm (can't throw pokeballs well, supports her arm with her other hand during battles) 2. She wears a brace 3. She gets winded easily / needs to catch her breath more than other characters / hates stairs So that got me wondering what the cause could be. I work in an orthopedic office and my shifts are 12 hours so sometimes when it's slow and I'm bored this is what my mind wanders to

Option 1: It's carpal tunnel and she's out of shape This is the most obvious answer since carpal tunnel is a repetitive stress injury and she's wearing a brace that looks almost identical to irl braces for that problem. Throwing pokeballs over and over, especially incorrectly, would be the most likely cause of an asymmetrical injury like that, and is actually reasonable for someone of her age and activity level. The winded thing is just because she's out of shape and has no underlying cause. Or maybe she just has some kinda chronic pain / fatigue disorder. That's not my department idk

Option 2: Oligoarticular JIA (juvenile idiopathic arthritis) This very long name is just describing chronic joint swelling in children that affects less than 5 joints. It's an autoimmune disease, and actually not that uncommon all things considered. It causes stiffness and pain, which would explain the stamina issues and motor skill issues. Plus, the constant flexion and extension of the knees from staircases certainly would explain her distaste for them in particular. That shit hurts. Occasionally people will use a brace for JIA-- it's highly unlikely her wrist would be the worst considering the typical presentation patterns (it usually affects bigger joints first like the knees) but hey. It's possible! This condition also affects young girls more often than other groups so. Math checks out

Option 3: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hypermobility type) Figured I would include this bc I've seen a few people hc this and wanted to give it a fair shot myself. This is a heritable connective tissue disorder that causes hypermobile joints, chronic pain, fatigue, and a whole host of other things. Specifically tho, this disorder used to be called EDS type III and is now considered part of the Hypermobility Spectrum Disorders, but that's a can of worms for a post that's not this one. While the symptoms do match, and honestly quite well (a brace for stabilization makes perfect sense and the fatigue symptoms feel pretty on the nose) the disease usually causes very stretchy skin and vascular issues that she doesn't seem to have so I'm a tad on the fence

Option 4: Cervical spinal stenosis Despite this being the first thing that came to mind for me (since I see it a lot in the office) I'm now less convinced this would be the case. This disorder is basically a narrowing of the spinal canal that pinches the nerves in the neck. It can cause pain, weakness, numbing, and pain that radiates down the body. If most of the compression was on the C4 and C5 nerve I can see it affecting one arm / wrist especially rough (since the pain is typically bilateral but asymmetrical) but also this occurring in people under the age of 50 is SUPER rare so eh. It's possible it was congenital or caused by an injury but I wouldn't bet on it. As for the stamina issues, the neurological issues caused by the compression would likely be the cause of that, especially radiating down the back and legs. Felt worth it to include even if I'm not 100% convinced

I'm saying "options" here bc these symptoms are super vague and there's like 80 billion things that could cause it, I'm just racking my brain for different possibilities. If anyone has other hcs for the underlying causes of Her Whole Deal lmk I'm curious

[wheelie-sick]

thoughts on some of the disability zeitgeist words? like “tism” “spoonie” “audhd” “potsie” etc?

personally they frustrate me bc it feels like only a narrow section of the disabled community uses those words but they’ve become more pervasive than they need to be and so ppl assume we all like those words. but also i think all disabilities need to become more culturally-known-about so idk

I personally see most of them as neutral in and of themselves. I think they can be used in helpful ways and I don't think people who like the words should be shamed (not saying you believe this, I just know some people do)

I think some of the terms can be helpful for defining communities or intersections of communities (like "spoonie" and "auDHD") while I'm not a huge fan of either community those communities do exist and it's a lot easier to say "the spoonie community" than refer to... I don't even know how to refer to that specific subsection of the broader chronic illness community. I also think in the case of "auDHD" it's helpful not just for defining a community but also defining the overlap of two conditions that frequently go hand in hand. I think it gets misused but, like, it can be used correctly. I know there are other similar terms for other overlaps of conditions & communities like "schizotism" for schizophrenia & autism. (another two conditions that have a lot of symptom overlap) I see them as just abbreviated ways to say "this and also this" because typing out "comorbid ADHD and autism" or "the overlap between ADHD and autism" or even just "ADHD and autism" over and over again gets exhausting.

with others I definitely look at them and go "hmm, I'm not a fan" but I don't think they're harmful except for when they're applied to people who don't want to use that term. I am not personally someone who wants most of those terms applied to me and it certainly bothers me when people say that I "have the 'tism" just like it bothers me when people say I'm "on the spectrum" it feels like a way to dance around the term "autistic." I am just autistic.

sometimes it also seems to try to make the term more cutesy for lack of a better way of phrasing that. I don't have a problem with people seeing their conditions neutrally or positively and even wanting to share that opinion with the world. again, I think if someone wants to identify with those terms for themself there is no issue. if someone wants to call themself "POTSie" etc. because they view their own condition as a neutral or positive or quirky thing I don't really care, it's their condition and I'm not living their life. I do care when they try to make those community wide terms. I do not view my conditions as fun or positive (I don't count Deafness as a condition for the record) community terms like that essentially force that belief as the standard when that is so very not the case.

I also think there's something to be said for the fact that these terms tend to become identity terms. I don't mind it if someone's condition is part of their identity, hell, many of my conditions are part of my identity. not everyone wants to be defined by their condition, though. in fact, there's an entire movement of people begging to stop being defined by their disability and I think it's unfair to try to override their own activism asking for abled people to see them as people not just walking (or rolling) medical conditions. some people will say "well they're just experiencing internalized ableism!" and to me it shows they are very out of touch with that side of the community (and usually the experiences driving that viewpoint) activism for disabled people can't just steamroll other disabled people's activism with the excuse of "well they're just internally ableist"

so to sum up the last several paragraphs they're fine as individual terms but need to stop being treated like terms that describe the entire community

[foxok-stuff]

Personal post againnn... (sometimes I just can't let things be if I don't talk about it somewhere publicly. You don't have to interact or anything, feel free to scroll past)

So, like- almost a year ago I was diagnosed with stpd, but honestly I still think this might have been a misdiagnosis of like- autism or something, because I do not have 5 or more symptoms on that list.

Like- the only symptoms that I do have would probably be social anxiety (not with my friends tho), looking "weird" and maybe talking weirdly???

looking weird (as in, dressing weirdly) might just be caused by me being trans and uncomfortable with clothes that are considered more feminine. I am really unsure about "talking weirdly".

I genuinely answered "no" to all the questions that could have led them to believe I have enough symptoms to diagnose me with this.

It just feels like they spat in my face. My mother suspected autism for awhile, they suspected that too for a bit, but then gave me this???

A lot of it is just describing stuff as "weird", which is really vague... And kinda feeds my insecurities. Like- wow, I'm diagnosed with "weird", whatever that supposed to mean...

And like- people tend to like me. All I have to do is just be friendly. I have close friends. Sure, maybe they are on the internet, but have you considered how bigoted a russian teenager can be?? I am not risking that. (I did tell one of the doctors that I was non-binary, so they did know that, but perhaps just didn't think that would be a factor in making friends? Idk)

Why won't I go to a doctor again to say something about this? It's just not worth the trouble. I don't want anything to do with them.

I feel more or less satisfied now. Hopefully this stops bother me for at least a few days.

Goodnight.

[bluenightcomedies]

uuuugh i keep procrastinating cuz i wanna make new refs n' arts n' all for us all but art slow so fuggit placeholder pinned abt the system better pinned with comm details, other accs, etc later :3 will reopen for commissions once arty verifies me! as a whole we're legally deaf and disabled! we can all draw but have diff styles/preferences :3 body is 30 (eugh i don't like admitting that) so am adult BUT we don't wanna be involved in nsfw art so pls respect that⭐ We can't get a formal diagnosis due to various real life issues, so we're not going to claim any particular diagnosis, but we can't exactly ignore the symptoms and stay masked forever. We're going to stay out of syscourse as much as possible, of course. 🌙 each alter has an assigned emoji so ppl can tell us apart easier if needed, use em as our tags too (when we remember) note- using they/them for any of us fine too!⭐

(doesn't include alters that rarely or never front) ⭐star emoji = Blue! she/her pls~ guess i'm the honorary host cuz i front most. uhhh... nothing rly too fancy i can say abt myself, i'm p affectionate and love y2k art and hanging out, i try to be as nice as i can >w< my art's usually sketchbooky, with thin lines and soft colors/shading!

💠this blue gem/flower emoji is Azure! she/her, she's kinda new to the system. looks n' acts a lot like me but uh... more childish i guess? very silly, very 'cringe culture is dead'. loves to rp, say silly things, n' cling to people. hyperfixates on Dot Hack (RIP) her art looks like mspaint x3 🌙 (Writing for myself since I'm available.) The name's Lune, hence moon emoji, and I use she/her pronouns as well. Formerly "Starry" but people kept confusing me with Blue due to her star symbolism. Used to be the designated mask, I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore... Sometimes I re-mask out of habit so if something sounds like me but wasn't marked as an alter, it probably is me. I have a flat tone and chronic paranoid anxiety so uh... Let me know if I come across as rude, I usually don't mean to. I enjoy doing research and organizing information, so I'm often the one to fact-check things or find guides and how-to's for the system. My art's very bold and colorful, and friends describe it as 'angular'. Clashes with my personality, huh? 🗝️key emoji = Sylverwynd! he uses he/him! he's super laid back and chill, i've never seen him upset or anything, but he's rly long-winded talks... kinda poet-y? he loves reading and talking abt lore and myths so he'll pop in if ur talking abt something he likes or if he has trivia 2 share! fave genres r horror n' fantasy he's still experimenting w/ style but likes drawing rly soft

❌cross emoji= Laceburner! it/its or they/them pronouns! tbh i'm not used to it/its pronouns but Lace wanted em; it's very uh... emotionally empty i guess? aroace, agender, can't socialize or empathize v well. it usually fronts when the rest of us are tired or in pain cuz it just ignores all that. likes 2000's scenemo aesthetics though which is surprising but ye idk how to describe its style, but it's trying to mimic emo art n' likes bright colored lines with dark bg/colors 🗡️the dagger is Kal! he/him pronouns, he gets angry and stressed abt things really easy but he gets too hostile abt it so he tries to not front too much; need to find him a way to de-stress n' chill out... when he's not mad at smth he's a good sympathetic listener imo, still swears and talks all rough tho hasn't drawn much yet but does rly harsh lines and fast/messy sketches when he does (and gets riled up by mistakes =w=;)

❤️heart is Weiss! genderfluid, goes by any pronouns, usually uses whatever they like at the time x3 has a hard time fronting but tries to. flirty, loves dumb jokes, overly confident... (we worry they'd get us in trouble sometimes cuz the shit they want to say) loves demon and monster-related stuff! still experimental style but uses bold colors and thick rough lines a lot, may get suggestive (forbidden from outright nsfw, don't ask >:c) btw ur always welcome to direct asks @ someone specific >w< we just might take a while to respond

[3liza]

This might be a bit weird of me to send to you but idc, it's a topic that is fascinating me today and you're someone who has thoughts on lots of other things that are fascinating to me!

Anyway, do you know anything about super recognizers? Basically the opposite of face blindness. I have it, and for a while I just thought everyone around me must be super unobservant but apparently it's actually kind of freakish of me that I can remember the eye color of practically everyone I've ever seen in my life lol

idk what exactly I'm asking of you, I'm mostly just curious if face blindness/the opposite of that is anything you've thought about much before! I sometimes wonder if it's linked to autism but from what I've seen so far it doesn't seem to be??

i havent heard about this until you mentioned it but it fits into the larger pattern of humans having varying intensities of function in their perceptual systems. psychosis spectrum dysfunction and paranoia is theorized to be a sort of hyperactivity in the pattern-recognition part of the brain, where you can't STOP seeing coincidences, patterns, and similarities, which then leads to paranoia about people sending you 'messages' which then leads to surveillance paranoia. it's happened to me and it's very weird

i experience something like youre describing and it's one reason i have the typical autistic gaze-avoidance: faces are too much information and it's like looking into the sun. i dont have the study on hand but if i remember correctly i read a brain imaging study of autistic vs. allistic people who were shown faces, and the autistic subjects displayed much more brain activity in regions related to processing information than the allistics, and were perceivably expending much more energy and stress in the perception. this would account for the autistic symptom of apparent "face blindness" being so common in people who otherwise cannot be beaten by any average challenger in a game of Guess Who, who have pattern recognition skills so powerful they can explain at length the difference between various diesel locomotives no one else can tell apart (or whatevr): its because looking at a human face is physically painful, so the autistic toddler learns not to do it as they develop mature eyesight, and then years of not looking at faces start to take their toll as their social skills lag behind because if you arent looking at a face you cannot perceive someone's expression, nor can you learn to imitate it!

early autism therapy SHOULD be working on desensitizing (without force) young children to these perceptual stress tests so they can tolerate the noxious stimulus. i have found that Adderall in particular helps me a LOT with this. i wish someone had explained to me what i just wrote in the above paragraph when i was about 4, because explaining the reasons why i will benefit from doing something unpleasant (like looking at a human face) is the only way to start to overcome the pathological demand avoidance that goes along with most autistic diagnoses: we get so fucking traumatized from being told or forced to do things against our will that it becomes a major dysfunction.

as ive gotten older a lot of my questions about why everyone seemed to behave differently than i do were answered by the observation that the majority of people are simply not noticing things. they are perceiving the world with far less detail than i am unless they choose (and/or are trained) to bring certain details into focus. those are skills that can be taught, i absolutely do not believe in innate talents or abilities, you can teach almost anyone to do almost anything, mastery is a matter of motivation, not god-given talent. but the majority of people are not noticing eye color, skin texture, and are bad even at accurately perceiving color, size and shape. they can look at a face without getting an electric shock. they dont receive a full body shot of adrenaline when a familiar voice actor shows up in a cartoon. they dont consciously hear the cat meowing three blocks away. their attention can be drawn to these things, if someone else points them out, but their subjective experience seems not to be, usually anyway, a series of clamoring and dazzling sensate intrusions which are impossible to ignore or not consider carefully. it seems safe to assume that most of the time, most allistic people only experience this state of consciousness while on drugs or otherwise in an altered mental state. when i started experiencing various drugs finally, i was able to see how similar these experiences were to normal or regular/recurrent daily sober experiences for me. while stone sober, i can get stuck in a bathroom because im looking at the tile pattern in exactly the same way someone on mushrooms will.

i think also it's important to emphasize to ourselves and to children that the human social group benefits from having someone with these abilities around. this is why the genotypes for autism are so common, and why they survive, and why we have archaeological and anthropological evidence of human settlements absolutely always having a minority of Weird Guys around who just know things but usually arent too interested in living in town with everyone else.

so super recognizers fit into the pattern of hyperlexia, hypercalculia, supertasters etc that are very commonly represented in autism. i guess i have a weird form of this where my recognition abilities will ping so hard on people that look SIMILAR that it ends up making me worse at recognizing people sometimes because i cant stop seeing their similarities.

[intersex-support]

I'm concerned I may have an intersex condition and I'm not sure where to go from here. Could I ask for some advice?

Essentially, I'm realizing that I... probably didn't complete puberty the first time. I'm afab, and I did get a growth spurt and body hair and start to grow breasts, but I never developed past what I'm now realizing was probably about stage 3 on the Tanner Scale. My breasts stayed small enough that I could easily pass as male without binding (I'm nonbinary) and I was never able to find a bra small enough to fit me. Overall I was kinda just built like a tall preteen, and frequently mistaken for one well into my 20s

I'm also diagnosed with presumed endometriosis and had extremely irregular and painful periods for my entire life. Birth control pills didn't fully fix it and depo shots just made it worse, but when my gyno put me on nexplanon about 9 months ago it stopped my period altogether. More than that though... I think I'm going through puberty again, at the age of 25. I started experiencing breast growth and female-pattern fat redistribution that's very similar to what my transfem friends are going through on HRT, and I realized... my medication is literally just progestin. I'm essentially on feminizing HRT as an afab person. And after 9 months on HRT I've finally progressed to what looks like stage 4 on the Tanner Scale and I'm getting closer to stage 5

I did some research on what could be happening when I first started noticing the changes and found out that recent studies have linked endometriosis to estrogen dominance (either an excess of estrogen or a deficiency of progesterone) and the symptoms of both estrogen dominance and low progesterone seemed to fit me. Since the changes started after I went on progestin-only medication I figured that was my answer, that I had low progesterone bc of my endometriosis and it stunted my development. But recently I was talking with an intersex blogger who pointed out that having hormone deficiencies so severe they interrupt puberty isn't common for endometriosis and it might be a symptom of an intersex condition, and they recommended for me to look into hypogonadotropic hypogonadism

I've been doing research on it and. It really seems to describe what I went through. The only things that don't really fit me are the short height and lack of period, but that may just be bc I had an incomplete puberty instead of an absent one. More specifically though I learned about Kallmann Syndrome, and I know it's relatively rare, especially in afab people, but a lot of the other symptoms seem to fit me. The first, notably, is that I've had hyposmia my entire life which is a defining feature of the condition. I also have spinal defects: scoliosis, hyperlordosis, and cervical kyphosis. I even have some unexplained motor control issues that I'm now concerned may be mild ataxia, like my lifelong constant hand tremors and a general "clumsiness" that makes it difficult for me to get my limbs to do what I want—both of which cause frequent issues for me

I really wanna get some solid answers but I'm... not sure where to go from here. Would getting my hormones checked be a logical next step? If it's specifically progesterone that's affected for me I'm not sure if the tests will be able to tell the difference between natural progesterone and synthetic progestin though, and I can't go off my medication bc my endo is so bad without it that I won't be able to work. Maybe that's not even the hormone they would need to check anyways though, maybe it would be GnRH? Idk, I'm just a little bit lost. I'm considering going to Planned Parenthood to ask about it (my current gyno has not been very forthcoming with information about my own condition) but I'm nervous about seeing them without knowing if it's something they can even help with and I'm also worried about going in with too much information and having a doctor dismiss me as having given myself a "google diagnosis" 😣

Any advice on the process of seeking a diagnosis? Or any other next steps in general?

Also—I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my head that says even if I do turn out to have a form of HH it wouldn't "matter" now that I'm on HRT and finishing puberty. Any opinions on this? Would I still "count" as intersex if that's the case? And what if I can't get a diagnosis?

Hi anon,

So sorry for the late answer. Hope you've been doing well.

It definitely makes sense to me that you would be looking into Kallmann Syndrome, especially since you have hyposmia and that really is such a key part of that condition. I agree with the other blogger that it's worth looking into why your puberty was disrupted/incomplete and regardless of whether it's Kallmann Syndrome, another intersex variation, or something else, that might be helpful information to have. And I totally get what you mean about it "not mattering" to get a diagnosis now that you're on HRT, and honestly, what is most important is your priorities and wishes in this process.

It is completely valid to want this information and search for a diagnosis, and to want an answer even though you've now found a treatment that works. If you decide at some point through the process that diagnosis is not a priority for you right now, that's okay too--what matters is that you are the authority here and that you have the right to feel whatever way you feel about it. The intersex community has such an incredible amount of variety--we all have so many different variations, different experiences, ways that symptoms show up or don't show up, and there's no "right" way to be intersex. All ways of being intersex are valuable and real ways that we're going to show up in our community.

The process of seeking a diagnosis can be kind of long and frustrating, but I'd say the first step would definitely be trying to get a referral to an endocrinologist or any doctor who is willing to run a full hormone panel on you, (generally this includes estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, FSH, LH, SHBG, and thyroid hormones). For Kallmann Syndrome, they would be looking for low estrogen, FSH, and LH levels. They would probably also run some other blood tests checking general blood chemistry levels to rule out any other causes. The next step for Kallmann diagnosis is sometimes an MRI to rule out any physical abnormalities on the pituitary gland. Finally, there is also molecular genetic testing for Kallmann that can help identify the specific genetic mutation, but the diagnosis can also be made without genetic testing or an MRI. Planned Parenthood might be a good first step, either to actually do the first set of labs or to provide you to a referral to a endocrinologist who would be willing to order the labs. It can definitely be really hard navigating doctors who are dismissive of our own self-knowledge and research, and I've found it can sometimes be more helpful to just explain your symptoms (lack of periods, lack of puberty) and ask for a full hormone panel rather than specifically telling the doctor that you want to test for Kallmann's.

Overall, just know that you absolutely aren't alone in this and that you are welcome to come back to the blog with any other questions or just to vent. It can be confusing and overwhelming trying to navigate the medical system, and you deserve support! Best of luck on this journey 💜

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, I just need some nice words and someone who listens and doesn't judge.

Complicated life-story etc. at some point I suspected I am a system so I was doing a lot of listening inside myself, writing down symptoms that could indicate it etc. It is still not super certain to me, there is no communication to any alter that I would swear isn't just a thought-voice. But I am relatively certain and can I say, happy about it? I once sent in an ask here and you said "If you think you'd profit from being a system, you most likely are one" and this has really stuck with me and elevated a lot of my guilt, because I would feel better if I was a system.

And here comes the problem: I started therapy for CPTSD, and my therapist doesn't know about my suspense (yet). Last week, she made an allegory (or metaphor? Help) about one of my symptoms. It is one of the symptoms I use as (internal) "proof" for my DID-suspence.

She said: "When you are very angry (i.e.) you might see the world completely different, as if you'd wear colorful tinted glasses." And it was literally the same example I would use when describing it to myself. (When I was a child, my uncle gifted me orange-tinted glasses, and I wore them the whole winter when I was feeling low because it was so dark outside. I tricked myself into believing there is sun. So, this literal example is so close to me).

But like, I literally feel like another person, that I can't really relate to, their though-processes etc, sometimes I feel completely seperated from it and can just watch and wonder (and cringe and try to stop myself).

But since she explained this symptom as normal trauma symptom, with literally the same image, I am questioning myself again. I mean, at the end of the day, I do have DID or not. But just the thought that it might not be the case makes me feel so lonely and vulnerable.. Idk...

Hi anon,

Regardless of whether or not you are a system, those who are first considering the possibility of being plural will not have good communication with any of their parts if at all, and many times parts don't feel comfortable making themselves known until much inner exploration is done. It's not like a light switch where suddenly you can see all your parts and communicate back and forth with complete clarity. That's a muscle that needs to be exercised slowly over time.

I understand that fear of being alone inside. You've been through so much that it's daunting to think about having to process that all by yourself. Being a part of a larger network of parts helps distribute the weight and responsibility more evenly, giving you a fraction of relief. Of course you'd want that. It's hard to consider the possibility that you really are the only one, and it must be frustrating that the answer remains unclear.

It's been about a month since I was diagnosed with OSDD (still trying to comprehend that), and I'm by no means a professional, but I resonate with a lot of what you shared. If you can, I do recommend getting a professional opinion about all of this, especially someone who is experienced or specialized in dissociative disorders (that can be kinda hard to find). They can give you a much more educated opinion and could even evaluate you for OSDD or DID if that's something you're considering.

I also don't know if I suggested this to you in the past but the CDD discord server is a great place to ask plural-related questions and reassurance. Thosey are always happy to help people figure out what's going on in their brains and whether or not an experience is a system thing or not.

I hope I could help. You're welcome in our inbox anytime.

-Bun

[snzysimper]

Could I perhaps gift you a very rough draft for a Hazbin Hotel sickfic? (I don't have a fetish for it, but I really like sickfics and I have too much anxiety to post my ideas to my blog a lot of the time, so someone may as well get to enjoy them!)

It'd be a chaos comedy with lots of sweet fluff, with an illness spreading around the Hotel and everyone's powers making it manifest differently (and the fluff would be them all, some of them begrudingly, taking care of one another)

Alastor gets the worst of it (because he's my favorite lol) with a very high fever w/some amusing delirium, deep mucusy coughs and sneezes (leaning in to his deer attributes idk how to best describe it but picture an exhausted deer panting), and vomiting

Sir Pentious is hacking up a lot of very toxic mucus, can't navigate since his since of smell is compromised, and he just cannot seem to get warm enough so he's having to be plied with blankets & hot water bottles (because he's such a drama queen that of course he has to be doted on), but also he's such a "gentleman" that he doesn't want to do anything uncouth in front of a lady so he's trying to hide all of his grosser symptoms until he almost chokes and/or runs into walls multiple times and Vaggie is finally just like "omfg stop" and helps him

Baxter is an unfortunate little snot machine, and borderline refuses to leave one of the restrooms because he just wants to soak in the tub and steam the sickness out with hot showers. At some point he'd probably end up overheating himself and have to get an ice bath.

Husk has tiny little kitten sneezes (which he's embarrassed about, Charlie finds them ADORABLE, which makes him even more embarrassed). He'd end up making hot toddies for everyone

Angel's sneezes shoot webs and he keeps getting stuck to things. I realize it's not accurate to spiders, I just think it would be funny.

Vox (because he's at the hotel now, he left Valentino and moved in, because I said so) and his monitor keeps leaking a black fluid, his body's overheating (as in he starts a few minor fires around the hotel), and his audio system is on the fritz so he keeps making weird "coughing" static and sneeze audio effects that blow out glass

Niffty goes into germaphobia mode and tries to clean even more than normal (causing a few dangerous chemical mixtures in the process) and trying to deny once she does get sick only to be forced to admit defeat when she falls off of a chandelier she was dusting in a dead faint.

Cherri Bomb (because she's also there too) apparently has uncontrollable pyrokinetic powers that illness sets off, she runs a high fever (with delirium, yes it's a favored trope of mine), and keeps blowing things up and setting them on fire when she sneezes, and her coughing results in thick clouds of infectious smoke.

Charlie ends up getting sick from taking care of everyone, but puts off resting and taking meds because she wants to make sure everyone else is ok first. She has to take some kind of insanely potent medicine because of her potential power and the medicine makes her kind of loopy. Angel dust tries to sneak a little bit thinking it's just cough syrup and it makes him start tripping balls.

Vaggie is the only one not to get sick because that way she'd have to be the one to deal with everyone else's crap (maybe constant exposure to angel weaponry provides her with immunity?)

Holy fucking shit I don’t check tumblr for a few days cos I’ve been in the middle of a forest with no service and come back to THIS??

I don’t think the human race can even COMPREHEND what this makes me feel- this is the best damn thing I’ve seen in a LONG time

✨ 1000000000/10 ✨

[nonhumanwithin]

; I've always been supportive of the alterhuman, etc, community. But I never considered being a part of it .. So I basically js have some questions since I'm in mild crisis because I've been relating to posts about them more and more and like the " symptoms " or " signs " of alterhumanity ykwim ?? Feel free to ignore any questions you don't want to answer :D /gen /lh

; 1. Fictionkins, I don't know much about them really, so any information would be really appreciated. Even " basic " stuff about them !!

; 2. Is alterhumanity, etc, related to neurodivergency at all ?? It's just I usually see people who are alterhumans or other are also almost always neurodivergent in some way, so I was curious if they had any links !!

; 3. How exactly would phantom feelings ( is that right ?? ) be described ?? Because I sometimes, and looking back on it this has been present all my life, feel like I'm " missing " something from myself. Like I'll feel like I have / had a tail ( or want to swish it and whatnot ) and then feel weird when it's obviously not there. Or I'll get this odd feeling on my back like there are wings / something there and it feels thick and empty when I remember its not there ?? Would this be described as phantom feelings or smth else entirely ??

; 4. I've always loved the air and the sky, the idea of flying in general. Not like a " I love the sky it seems like it'd be fun to fly " but more like " I should be able to fly, it feels wrong that I can't. Like I'm maybe supposed to be flying, or that this isn't my actual body and I js want to flap some non existent wings and fly around. " or even walking feels funny sometimes .. Idk. Could this be connected to smth ??

; 5. I relate to foxes and cats a lot. Specific cat breeds too. Not in like a " we're so similar haha " way but like .. Like I want to walk like a cat, feel like a cat, see like a cat. I sometimes have moments where I can't talk properly ( I am neurodivergent and do go non-verbal sometimes, but these moments feel different from eac other. ) or I simply have " animal " instincts .. It's hard to explain.

; 6. There is a few fictional characters ( by a few I mean like 3 ) I relate to so heavily it's like they actually are me, and I want to be perceived as them and act like them, etc. Beyond a normal they're my fav character, more to a I'm literally them but not actually, I just feel idk ?? Very confusing sob /lh

; anyways hopefully these aren't weird questions or whatever .. I have more but I can't think of them right now / they kinda rely on other questions being answered first lol. Thank you in advance !! ( also js general info / advice on alterhumanity, therians, and all things related would be really appreciated <33 /nf /gen )

Hi! You're absolutely welcome in the alterhuman community even if you're questioning or later come to the conclusion you aren't alterhuman, so don't be afraid to keep asking around and connecting with people :)

To answer your questions:

Fictionkin are people who identify as something from fictional media (usually fictional characters but people who identify as a fictional species such as pokemon are included). That's really the basics of it and it can range from your fictional identity being a lowkey thing you don't always feel strongly to something you feel 24/7 and center your life around. There is no right or wrong way to be fictionkin. It can be a little confusing because it is common to connect with fictional characters- they are often meant to be relatable after all! But if you get a strong "that's me" feeling or feel euphoria when you are viewed as that character or called their name, that definitely sounds like fictionkin to me.

Alterhumanity isn't strictly related to neurodivergence but it is very common for alterhumans to be neurodivergent (and queer too!). I've heard that with autism it is common to feel you don't relate to other humans as much or don't align with society's standards, so deviating from the norm comes naturally. There's definitely also something with just being a little weird (positive) and being willing to accept parts of yourself that the average person wouldn't.

Phantom limbs are feeling something that isn't actually there. It's totally normal to intentionally phantom shift and make yourself imagine the feeling of a tail or muzzle etc but can also happen involuntarily! What you described about feeling like something is "missing" sounds more like species dysphoria than a phantom shift, but they can go hand in hand. Species dysphoria is quite simply feeling like your body should (partially or wholly) be another species. I get those "I should have a tail" feelings a lot for sure, and it even kind of messes with my body language because I feel like I should be able to communicate with my tail lol.

What you described here definitely sounds like an alterhuman feeling :) I can't say 100% for certain because ultimately the only one who can determine your identity is you, but that aligns with what a lot of otherkin feel.

This really feels like a typical alterhuman experience. IMO you should listen to your heart and trust your feelings. If you feel drawn to a cat/fox/etc identity then let yourself be that :)

There can be a fine line between fictionhearted (feeling a deep connection/relation to a character) and fictionkin but feeling like "literally them" sounds more like fictionkin. If viewing yourself as these characters feels right to you then go for it! There is absolutely zero harm in doing so and even if you turn out wrong or your identity changes, that's normal. We are not static people and we're not perfect all-knowing beings who immediately know our identities from a young age lol.

These questions aren't weird at all and I think it's great to see newbies asking questions and trying to learn! I'm not sure what other general advice to give besides just take your time and don't be hard on yourself. Feel free to ask more if you want or don't be afraid to ask other people too :)

[thethingything]

I keep randomly remembering that the reason our brain is especially fucked and a bunch of our symptoms are worse right now is because of like, an avoidable external thing that's chemically affected our nervous system instead of either our symptoms flaring up on their own or some specific stressful event triggering it, and for some reason that keeps making us feel especially bad about it.

like our mental health being bad because of stressful stuff going on and our mental illnesses randomly flaring up both suck, but I can handle our brain just doing its own thing and/or reacting to what's going on around us.

but something about it being a medication that someone else prescribed that's changed the way our brain functions is significantly more distressing in a way I can't put into words properly. a lot of the symptoms we've got (apathy, brain fog, alexithymia, memory problems, etc) are very typical depression and dissociation symptoms, but they're like a weird version of them that feels very different to how we normally experience them.

the only way I can describe the difference in feeling is that it feels more "artificial" but I can't even really describe what I mean by that. if normal brain fog is looking out the window on a foggy day, this is looking out of a window that's been covered with those frosted vinyl sheets. you can't see shit either way, but the feeling is very different.

I just desperately want it to go away. I'm finding it hard to be enthusiastic about things I'm normally excited about no matter how bad our depression gets, and our usual coping mechanisms for getting our brain to register positive things aren't really working because it's not the same underlying mechanism.

it feels like any control I did have over our symptoms and anything I could do to help with them has been stripped away and all I can do is wait it out and hope it fixes itself, and the whole "being given a drug that changes how your brain functions and takes away your control over what your brain is doing" is pretty much the exact phobia I was trying to learn to figure out how to deal with before we get dental work done, and for the dental work it'd be like... idk probably an hour at most, whereas now I'm just stuck dealing with experiencing it 24/7 for an undetermined amount of time

[katetorias]

How did you guys bring up your plurality to your therapist? I've been meaning to bring it up mine as I have just started accepting myself as a system. I feel as if being able to express ourselves would be great and would relieve stress.

Is there any ways to mention it without stating "I think I'm multiple"? Do they give you a diagnosis? If they do diagnose you, where do you go with the diagnosis?

I apologize if this is too much to ask, I just can't seem to get straight forward answers anywhere.

P.S. Love ur art, it's genuinely so beautiful.

hi!! im really happy you’ve come to accept yourself! i have very limited experience being “open” about being a system and it’s mostly restricted to online/interpersonal relationships and my therapist. we’ve only just recently been genuinely open because Jack struggled to not be during his session. im not diagnosed with anything as it’s only been a couple of sessions

personally, i started trying to explain the dissociative symptoms first, like how things don’t feel real and sometimes it feels like someone else is piloting. i tried to describe the physical sensations and how things felt wrong/there’s amnesia(emotional or otherwise)/my names, gender and pronouns would change, i would suddenly feel very uncomfortable with my appearance, etc.

i think starting with these things, especially connecting it to the other trauma/mental health things I already go through helped her follow the dots more directly. and since I was being vague, as if I didn’t really know the exacts, she filled those gaps in for me. she was like, “well.. we do see a lot in traumatized children that they compartmentalize or dissociate to make “someone else” deal with the trauma” and i was like “woah… for real..”

i hope this makes sense! Genuinely being honest will help, explain how many years you’ve noticed these things and anything that can affirm that it’s not something else.

on the diagnosis process I’m not sure, im sorry :( idk if I want to get a diagnosis and more so recognized, so you’ll have to find other sources