#idk all I can think about sometimes is what I’m not
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Something about Billy Batson being a reporter has sometimes rubbed me the wrong way, especially with all the comparisons to Superman and Captain Marvel.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s hilarious to have this small ass child walk into littéral war zones, report it live, come out completely unscathed and have everyone wonder what the fuck is wrong with this kid.
I do like it better when he’s a radio host, and I like to think he takes over when he’s an adult after Mr Morris retires. But I have a better suggestion.
Billy Batson should run an animal conservatory. Be it as an adult or maybe as a child (and uses Dudley’s as a cover for any adult legitimacy).
I think this is the best possible job for him for three reasons:
1) Being a radio host/ reporter or anything in that industry requires a lot of time management, and which Billy’s Champion duties, where he can find himself in time shenanigans, I don’t think it’s the best fit for him. I do think FREDDY should take over Whiz Radio after Mr Morris retires. Have the Newsboys association pair up with Whiz, and let Freddy “Natural Born Leader With A Knack For Journalism” Freeman be somewhere he could actually thrive.
2) I head-cannon that Billy has a hyper fixation on animals. It might have stated with Tigers (I’m looking at you Tawny) but I see it delving into other animals like crocodiles, hypos then rabbits … Ect. With all the bipedal magic animal people, I see him taking an interest in them and genuinely wants to learn more about them. I see him taking over the zoo after Dudley retires, but then converts it into a conservatory and makes expansions (I’ll explain why in a bit).
3) I also see him hyper fixating on magic. So naturally he hyper fixated extra hard on magical creatures. Say he finds out smuggling rings and hunting organisations hunting magical creatures,he would need a place for them to shelter them for them to recover. And maybe decided to host and take care of almost extinct species, and care for them as his own.
So in the eyes of the public, he runs an animal conservatory dedicated to nurturing wounded animals and host endangered species. But secretly does the same thing for magical creatures as well as have a place for them to stay while he takes care of the Smugglers and Hunters. If they decide to stay and protect their territory afterwards, then that’s defiantly not a complaint.
Darla would love to work there (if she exists here). Specially on the magical creature side (couch unicorns cough). I see Mary also being extreme interested (may be for the less magical side), and could work there when she’s not doing her model/celebrity work.
Idk, the reporter by day trope has been a bit over used, and while I may like it, I absolutely love the idea of Billy mixing his Champion duties with his job that he would absolutely love.
#billy batson#dc captain marvel#dc#shazam#tawky tawny#mary batson#mary bromfield#freddy freeman#he should be the reporter#it just makes more sense#he’s also scary good at infiltration#Billy Batson runs a conservatory
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Alright I’m hopping on my soapbox again
First and foremost this is not pointed at anyone. I’m not bitching and moaning, and if it comes off that way, I’m not trying to come off that way. I just wanted to vomit some words about something that a post I saw pointed out and the more I’ve thought about it, the more I see and agree with what it says.
We joke a lot about Arthur Lester being a pathetic wet cat of a man. And yes, at points he definitely is. But I feel like we kind of play off how much trauma this man just carries around like it’s a fanny pack.
This goes for a lot of other protagonists/characters I see being talked about in this manner btw. Like they all have such deep rooted issues due to the things they’ve experienced. And like at the end of the day, if anybody else went through even of the fraction of the hardships that these characters face, they’d be a fucking mess too. Probably even in an even worse state. The greatest thing about these characters are their capacity to endure and push forward, and I feel like that sort of sentiment gets pushed to the side. It’s a weird dichotomy of if we see them after they’ve endured, we’re more likely to think of them as tough, hardened individuals. But if we see them while they are enduring, the idea of them being as strong as they are is almost ignored in a way.
Which also feels like a reflection of some of us not being able to congratulate ourselves for pulling ourselves through our issues but hoo boy thats a different conversation altogether and is to be had between one and one’s therapist or trusted individual.
And again for clarification I’m not saying like “don’t joke about this 😤😫”. Sometimes we see ourselves in these characters and just joke about it (which there is nothing wrong with). When we are reminded of our issues and experiences, for some of us, our first responses is to make fun of it. I’m just as guilty of it as any other person. And idk, something about it just irks me in a type of way I can’t put my finger on. Idk food for thought.
Which leads me to say I love John Doe in Malevolent so, so, so, so, so much. He’s Arthur’s biggest fan, but like in the way a Chicagoan is a fan of their baseball teams.
(Edit: if there’s a bunch of grammatical errors, I’m aware and trying to scrub them best I can. I wrote this hungover and coming home from work at like midnight.)
#this is not as well written as I’d like it to be but hey fuck it#is what it is#malevolent podcast#arthur lester#malevolent#john doe malevolent
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Pink corruption headcannons! (Varying from nonsensical, angsty to silly, most of these are weirdly specific but stick with me okay?)
• Pentellow was completely illiterate for a good chunk of her life, Iris has taught her the basics of reading and writing and while she can read simple texts fairly easily she still struggles with writing. Every time she needs to write anything she has Iris do it for her, she walks around the room like an old military general while she’s dictating. (It helps her think)
• Occasionally, when Iris is particularly upset, frustrated or stressed, he’ll blurt out something his dad told him as a kid. No one ever takes it to heart and half the time it isn’t even something particularly offensive but every time it happens Iris feels terrible and I’m telling you this man sits on his bed staring at his hands like “I am no better than my father”, he can time all instances this has happened and yes they haunt him when he’s falling asleep.
• Anytime Pyrare tries to write a letter to the other caretakers it ends in catastrophe. He refuses to shrink for the task, so either he tried to just write in very small letters and the text is absolutely unreadable, he asks Gold to write it who then proceeds to shorten it and leave stuff out (and has occasionally just changed the contents of letters entirely, mostly when it’s someone he doesn’t like) or there was that one time he just sent Pentellow and Iris a monster sized letter. It was a pain to deal with, they still have it somewhere because Pentellow insisted they keep it.
• Iris has a weird hatred towards a very specific kind of cursive most of the people back at the palace (including his father) used. Anytime he sees it anywhere he just gets super irritated, it’s honestly kind of amusing. Is Iris aware that a grudge against a style of writing is stupid? Yeah, but he doesn’t care.
• Gold and Cyanide like to play chess together sometimes, they’re both fairly good at it and their games are super intense and take a long while. The other heroes all collectively suck at chess (Orange is mediocre, Tsavorite and Cyan are a lost cause) but join in if it’s at Pyrare’s place, though that usually leads to them using the ridiculously sized chess board to make up their own games.
• The first time Gold saw a non-monster shape he was absolutely flabbergasted, he did know of them, but for most of his life he hadn’t seen one (I imagine Pyrare and Gold lived a fairly isolated life for the most part) and Pyrare never made it sound like a big deal so he just kinda thought they’d be a bit shorter. The fact they had two eyes was also kind of weird, sure he has two eyes but he just thought that was a hero thing.
• Seeing the inside of a shape-sized house was even more baffling, Gold still hasn’t gotten over how tiny some things are.
•Every time they spend a long time in shape populated area Pyrare is just STARVING, there’s no way any of the inns they stayed at have portions close to what an adult monster needs. He never complains about it though. Honestly I think he would just pass out at one point, the lack of food mixed with so much travelling is bound to catch up to him.
• Kind of random but monsters probably have a much slower heartbeat than shapes. Since most large animals have larger hearts but they pump at a slower pace, I’m pretty sure it has to do with temperature regulation but idk man I’m no biologist.
#Don’t ask okay? most of these came to me like divine visions#the pink corruption#pink corruption#jsab tpc#headcannons#I’m not tagging all the characters mentioned#it’s mostly#tpc Iris#and#tpc Pyrare
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#lately this site has been really fucking w my self image#I know sometimes I go through phases here#but idk this one feels kinda different#my sense of self has been kinda fucked up w my new job#I feel like I get on here and immediately start comparing#which is silly bc all the people I follow or reblog from are amazing#I love supporting their posts#it’s not competition#the best words for it are insecure and inadequate#but my self image and self worth plummeted recently#idk all I can think about sometimes is what I’m not#I get stuck in a spiral of telling myself I’m not enough#I have a hard time pulling myself out of that though#and god fucking knows I’m not gonna ask anyone near me for reassurance lmao#I really miss when this place was my outlet rather than another source of stress#I’m just so ready to not exist anymore#personal
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Sometimes you have to make shitty little OCxCanon comics to keep yourself sane
Sorry @mysticalcats I stole ur oc (foxglove)
#see so I say that but I literally lost my mind creating this I almost gave myself a lobotomy at least 5 times#can. can you tell I don’t know how to draw people kissing. can. can you tell#hahshsshhahsbshsghshshddghhiiygfdanan#I almost criedddddd#bright side!!!!! Vicci and foxglove turned out SUPER cute especially foxglove funky little guy#in case it isn’t clear they’re talking about moths in the first panel#idk man I just thought this would be funny and it still kind of is#‘was that ur gf?’#‘my what’#abahshs#Bluebelle’s silliest moment (fell in love)#anyhow SHOUTOUT TO GREAT COMET AND THE MABEL PODCAST HOLY FUCK#actually would have dropped off the face of the earth if not for them#teeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeee *dies explodes burns drowns*#rip tear shred maim#I can’t believe I’m posting this girlskies#what you all must think of me lmaoooooo#ANYWAY live laugh love you starlight express#the kiss (yk the one) is keeping me sane#evil men polycule fr#Chaumet you’re next#expect Bluebeard to appear too because I think I’m funny sometimes#cats the musical#cats musical#oc x canon#cats oc#jellicle oc#victoria cats#cats victoria#sorah’s silly scribbles
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through heavy , heavy tears : hawkeyes first instinct is to be KIND he’s so much less guarded than trapper and even bj when first meeting people ( even ones he probably won’t like ) he always treats them with respect . i’m going to be physically ill
#i have a headcanon that people were kind of really mean to hawkeye as a kid and this little detail about him reinforces it#he very much gives like . i was weird and left out as a kid but people love me now and i never want to be like those people who left me out#i feel like you see it most heavily with radar but he also does this thing when he steps back when he realizes he’s actually hurt someone’s#feelings .#idk like#he’s not kind ALL the time . like he obviously jokes around a LOT and some of those jokes can be pretty mean and even then sometimes he has#trouble apologizing#but at the same time ( most of the time ) if he realizes something has gone too far he’ll do what he can to express that he didn’t mean it i#in his own hawkeye way#i’m thinking about in ‘ for want of a boot ‘ when trapper calls radar short and radar gets upset about it and hawk’s like#‘ hey you know he’s only joking ‘ in that soft voice#or in ‘ house arrest ‘ when radar gets the platform shoes and hawkeye was like ‘ i was out of line for making fun of you ‘#those are the instances that come to mind but there’s a TON more#idk i just really love that detail about him#that he’s willing to step back and recognize when a joke’s maybe gone too far#he even does it with frank and charles#mash#mashposting#m*a*s*h#mash 4077#hawkeye pierce#hawkeye
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I love the rhyming on ttpd. can only think of two examples currently but I know there’s more.
#the dancing phantoms on the terrace do they get second hand embarrassed#is e v e r y t h I n g#but also I can’t stop thinking about:#you. look. like. taylor swift. in this light—we’re lovin’ it#like just the flow. the cadence. not even just the rhyme but#her ease with language and playfulness with it and all the little pockets and corners of so many songs#even ones you think you don’t like. settle in with time!#like the thing about taylor is that she is VERY much a poet#in that some of her genius/way with words is innate#and the images and stuff she uses the turns of phrase can feel so garish and embarrassing on first listen#they JAR#but honestly I think it’s because she is truly …. new? she is doing something NEW#and the shock and outrage that always goes with new things is always present with a Taylor album#and I think she’s drawing on so much from the past to write but she is so deeply rooted in the present cultural moment#so it’s so easy to dismiss her writing on first glance as like. idk a college girl’s idea of poetry#as being too Stark or Melodramatic.#she loves OBVIOUS imagery and extremely dramatic ones too#but she isn’t actually just throwing stuff at the wall#because pretty much always. it starts to land and soften and settle#and the image she’s chosen has done its job of drawing you into a world#and/or communicating an emotion#and sometimes it’s so upsetting. like. get me out of the bedroom with Matty Healy taylor!!!!!!!!!! but. the art is art-ing!#I guess is what I’m saying. she’s good at this it isn’t just hype#but some of it really is that she’s taking us places we might not want to go or are so quick to pass judgment on#as being unworthy of a song or more importantly a poem. but present art HAS to do that#and does do it!!!!!! idk I am just. musing
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trying to gather my thoughts on unruhe. something about this exchange is so vital to me…about how scully maybe isn’t as natural a seeker as mulder. about how her work as a pathologist is focused on “how” rather than “why”…whereas mulder’s profiling is the inverse. a woman is dead and a man killed her and no amount of probing the inner workings of his psyche, his dreams, his nightmares will remedy that situation. discovering the why doesn’t bring about any deeper sense of justice or peace. because really, no why could ever really explain the mundane horror of a woman’s abduction and murder. if anything, it just more starkly reveals the ugly simplicity of the human capacity for cruelty.
but i also love how later, she leans on the why. she channels mulder and his profiler brain. schnauz even picks up on it (“great. now they got you talking like sigmund freud,” in reference to him calling mulder freud during his interrogation). she asks him why he does it. why her. why this. why did his sister kill herself. why did his father do what he did. part of it’s to keep schnauz talking but it’s also another example of how she reaches for him, even metaphorically, in moments of fear and difficulty.
i also love how this episode, with its themes of unrest and strife and trouble, focuses on scully. mulder is usually the more restless character, always searching and seeking and chasing and moving. but scully is just as, if not maybe even more so. her mother’s remaining daughter. her father’s disappointment. a catholic to her bones, even as she lapses. a woman in a man’s job. who imagines a life to be a husband and kids and big sunday dinners, but who can’t stop following the mad man in the basement. who always insists she’s fine, who locks it all away, who chafes and squirms and explodes in impulsive incendiary bursts. who is always always trying.
there are just some things we don’t or can’t look too deeply into. if god is real, or why the woman in front of us is dead. scully will dig and scrape for proof and explanations for many things, but some interrogations aren’t worth the effort, or the fear of what might be found. some things just are, and they’re too big to move or change or overcome. women die because men kill them. what the hell does it matter?
#the x files#does this say anything at all? you decide.#to me this is especially a specific moment that points out the difference is gender dynamic between mulder and scully#which is not to say that mulder fails to grasp the depth of vulnerability women particularly face - he often does#but there sometimes feels like there’s something a little more…academic? to his approach? as a profiler and an investigator#in the sense of like. seeking out reasons and building out the psyche of the perpetrator even once he’s caught#like there’s a woman lying dead on the road and her killers in custody so why are we talking about dreams and nightmares and psychic photos?#scully as a woman who has experienced gendered violence doesn’t need to go probing because this is how the world is#men kill women because they can.#there is something vital about living in a violent world as a woman that mulder cannot fully understand#idk if i’m articulating my thoughts on this clearly at all#like there’s so much here…the fact that it’s lobotomies…the loss of the mind and sense of self#and scully is or at least likes to think of herself as cerebral so that’s terrifying to contemplate#and then being confronted with how restless she is and refusing to look at it….#also i know at the end she says she sees the value in looking at why monsters do what they do in order to understand them#and ultimately stop them#but i think that still troubles her and#doesn’t come easily to her#IDK i’m just saying stuff ok bye
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sigh i’m gonna vent
#life is so sad and weird sometimes i know how to forgive people for a lot of stuff maybe sometimes when i shouldn’t#but i never forgive myself for things even if i brush it off i still hold resentment towards myself and i don’t want to anymore#i think actually forgiving yourself like you’d forgive a friend can be so healing idk#i’ll work on it#i’m about to start such a new lonely and scary and stressful part of my life#and i don’t know what will happen but im just really hoping it can all be okay
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😜
ed tw in notes
#i committed to working out again (as of like a week ago) which I do sincerely need to do#but even post recovery I like. see muscles move under my skin and I remember what they looked like when they were so developed#and I had zero body fat then lmao. like Back In The Day i would be so thin I could look at this#*those muscles when I was even getting up from a chair.#I could see the contour of their boundaries (?) and even my ligaments/tendons sometimes. thru my skin. bc I was so thin#and when I look at my legs and arms move forward sometimes that’s all I can#think about. ‘u used to be able to see that move under ur skin but u can’t now bc there’s too much fat in the way’#I should be talking about this with a therapist I guess but I hate all of them and I don’t have a billion dollars and a whole decade to spen#*spend finding The Right One who is a good fit and is trained in this stuff specifically and can actually help me#idk what I’m even saying here anymore whatever I’m just…. ugh fuck.
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one thing I love about following celebrities/artists who are honest and proactive about their mental health struggles etc is I can’t count the number of times someone I know is going through something and I’m like ‘I’ve got a song for u’ and how much of my life involves telling myself ‘if [redacted] can do something/get better/etc then so can i’ (and having actual real evidence of it in front of me) and I can’t understate how much I appreciate these things.
but at the same time it involves a whole lot of watching people I care about suffer and you learn to read the signs and infer between the lines in songs and interviews, and yes we can never fully know what they don’t share with us, but when they do share things it’s not a big stretch to be like ‘this seems like it’s what life is like for you and I have taken encouragement from it but you deserve so much better’. and it’s easy to find ways to get angry at a predatory industry and realise things that could be hurtful if you’re already fragile.
and we can advocate for some things and help ourselves and the people around us feel better but it’s hard to meaningfully reach your faves as an individual. and there are things we can’t say on the internet in too much detail, speculation becomes the harmful kind of gossip, and so sometimes it’s a whole lot of internally saying ‘you’re doing incredibly well to have gotten to where you are but I wish for your sake things would get better faster’
#curse and catch 22 (not the song)#I didn’t mean to make this so anonymous as a post but maybe. it’s applicable to a lot of artists. I don’t know#just thinking about how sometimes someone will say something and it’s like ‘oh honey’ if you can see. why they might be saying it#like a glimpse into the top of an iceberg that makes a lot of sense to be there given other things they do and talk about#I feel like we’re in a unique position as a fandom with the way all four of them have been so vulnerable in different ways#and they may not be perfect but imo no one deserves to suffer like that especially for an extended amount of time. but the thing is#sometimes the fans are suffering and so are our faves and people appreciate the relatability and don’t have any basic compassion#or ability to see past their own struggles. with this fandom especially compared to a lot of others I’ve been in and I think I know why#but in the end the way I see it we’ve gotten so much relatable content and encouragement (bc the Finding The Positives Vibes which are ther#and sometimes there’s nothing we can give back apart from being a part of systemic change which all of us deserve for ourselves too#idk if this band is unique in this or I just find them more relatable personally and thus easier to see how hard they’ve worked#on themselves and taking risks in order to be honest. and it reminds me of the quote about how suffering won’t make your art better#healing will. and so imo anyone whose art is really good when they are going through a lot has me thinking. imagine what it’d be like#when life isn’t so hard for you?? or when you’re getting better but it just takes a long time I’m like. you deserve to feel better faster#this all said I’m incredibly proud and I’m not trying to insinuate there’s anything catastrophic going on bc there absolutely isnt#I am not in any way worried. I’ve seen tragedies about to happen and these guys show none of the signs. but I do relate to a lot of tidbits#pertaining to. certain chronic mental illnesses and/or being neurodivergent in an unaccommodating world (don’t ask which)#things I would anticipate would be a lot harder when there’s hordes of often fickle occasionally predatory fans to contend with#sometimes I just think of this idk#celebrities are people#5 seconds of summer#5sos#5sos fandom#cw mental health things
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Just got back from my friend’s wedding :’) I think it says a lot that I was the only high school friend that showed up
#TBF the others in our friend group back then live in different states now#And flying out for a wedding can be SO expensive.#But yeah idk it just meant a lot to me :’)#And my friend (the groom) was SO happy to see me. And his family was too#That made me really glad 🤧#The fact that he invited me to come at all also says a lot I think#And you know what maybe I cried on the way home in the car but that’s nobody’s business but mine!!#I’m very very happy for him. And his wife is SO sweet and so pretty#It’s just weird yk? Cause in high school I liked this guy SO much#Like I daydreamed about getting married to him some day#So seeing him marrying someone else felt very weird lol#Bittersweet mostly#Sorry this is super embarrassing LMAO but it’s not like I’m ever going to tell this to his face.#I know they’ll be very happy together and I’m so so glad he found someone that fits together with him so well#He’d better come to MY wedding tho. In the future. LOL#Shima speaks#It was a very ‘saying goodbye to your first love’ kind of thing.#Even after I confessed to him in high school (and got rejected) I never really stopped liking him#Like I just never got over it I guess. Even tho I KNEW nothing would ever come of it#Idk sometimes it’s hard to let that stuff go! It’s hard to stop liking someone after you liked them for so long and so strongly#I want to say I’m over it now but considering I was crying in my car:#Well. JFJSJMFMSMSNN#I know I don’t feel that way for him anymore like as a fact but. Idk it was weird—#Again bittersweet. I think I just needed a second to process and really let it sink in#Goodbye to my high school fantasy //waves a handkerchieff#Also MAYBE I saw them be so happy and was like. Why can’t I have that with someone. HUH#Leetle jealous. I need to find me a someone *squint emoji*#Anyway rant over wedding was good I’m just an idiot ;)
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so I had the summer (in reality, like… almost three months) off from one of my volunteering roles and I’m 20 minutes into my first meeting back and I am already so irritated and angry. maybe this is Not A Good Sign.
#people! are! just! so! useless!#and I am being uncharitable to some people but god#this meeting is also going to go on fucking forever bc nobody can stay on track#and like everyone is very nice! but sometimes I do not care about people being nice I care about getting shit done and not being in#a meeting til 8pm#like maybe I need to#just. dip.#I am full of frustration#I managed to get my point said about us needing more people there to Get Shit Done in between everyone being very optimistic#and like they agree with me#but god#I thought I would have more patience after a few months off and. nope. less patience#it’s just herding cats on intense steroids#and not doing it for a couple months has uh. brought into sharp relief how dysfunctional and infuriating a system it is#one of the people I work with just talks all fluff#like a consultant who charges by the word is what my partner said#and it’s all like things we should do or things we should focus on and empty buzzwords#‘we need to ensure these people have a seat at the table’ ‘we need to expand our offering’ ‘we need a concrete x policy in place’#‘we need to provide a space for the most marginalised in our community’ ‘#like great ok but what are we doing and crucially who is doing it and how#bc you’re not doing it you’ve just said you’re at low capacity#and we are at best a team of five and currently a team of three if we’re optimistic#the buzzword bingo REALLY pisses me off idk if it’s the lesbian in me or the scientist in me or just the tired grumpy old man in me#I think I’ve complained enough#I may…….. have to reconsider what I’m doing here I don’t think getting this angry within a few minutes of a meeting is healthy#it’s a good org I think we do important work#buuut at what point is that not a good enough reason to stick around yknow#ok if you’ve read this far thank you for reading all my anger
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Sometimes it’s very annoying having friends whose two points of knowledge reference growing up were 1. rural Ohio and 2. Online discourse, because while I try to give them the benefit of the doubt they sure do say bigoted shit and try to justify it with extremely online activist language or sleeper radfem rhetoric or just like so very not thought out
Like ohh you hate 99% of men and think they are all untrustworthy and violent? Ok so real quick can you tell your reasoning to a) the multiple trans men literally in the group chat with you and b) literally any man who is not white who I know you did not conceptualize when making this comment because you have very little exposure to them in your life. Idk I just get really annoyed like girl. You have no concept of intersectionality and it kinda pisses me off sometimes
#liolog#vent sorry lol I care about this person a lot and most of the time they are funny and often thoughtful but#their feelings towards men really piss me off#esp bc they say some really cutting shit sometimes IN a group chat with multiple trans men and then double down about it#like girl I’m trying to root for you please. let’s challenge your biases here.#like you’re allowed to be on edge or whatever if you have to be but come on. in front of my salad (trans friends)?????#LIKE IDK MAN am I crazy to think that saying you hate all men and then like#if someone is hey that’s a bit much and you go oh you know I mean straight white men#like why is that what you expect everyone’s conception of a man to be. why is straight white man the exemplary form of man to you#do you not understand where this reads as really kind of shitty to people or#among other things. that’s not even the heart of the issue but also makes me annoyed. like you have never left rural Ohio in and it shows#and like can we at least leave rural Ohio in mindset please
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palliative care is so fucking weird
i don’t know how to feel
#idk.#I’m hugely uncomfortable which I think is the point#it’s just hard to transition#I take a lot of pride of not really being phased by anything#but it’s no longer about trying to be the smartest person in the room#it’s about connecting and listening and slowing down#and Jesus it’s so hard I want the safety of the icu back sometimes#it’s so simple when I don’t have to think about all this shit#I just. idk.#I’m so soft to be a great icu doctor but too dead inside to be a great palliative doctor#where exactly does that leave us?#it’s ok. I’ll do what I can. but my heart feels heavy. idk
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Feel free to skip on past this, I’ve just gotta ramble for a minute bc i cant stop thinking about this kid from work last week. They were so much like me at that age (5-6th grade) that I didn’t know how to interact with them? I didn’t know what to say to them bc I don’t know what I needed to hear back then, what I would’ve WANTED to hear? What would I have even listened to? They were almost entirely silent and looked out at the world with a hesitant curiosity, but would pull back so fast as soon as you tried to interact w them. Little to no eye contact, face hidden in hair, always looking down, following others until they could strike off on their own and just quietly explore. Intently focusing on drawing any chance they got. We did an art project and they hunched over their piece the entire time and wouldn’t let any of us see it in progress, refusing to look up or acknowledge us if we asked to see it or to know what it was. Idk. I barely interacted w them while they were with us for those few days bc I didn’t know how? It almost hurt to try? It was like looking back into a time machine and i didn’t know how to tell them that it does get better,,, I still don’t even know if where I am is better, some days feel so unsure that I don’t think I’ve made any progress at all. But seeing that kid, idk. I’ve come pretty far. And it DOES get better. Maybe it’s not the best now, or even that great at all, but it’s better. I wish I could’ve told them but I don’t think they’d have wanted to hear it anyway
#im a rambling sam#I’m in a weird place again since getting here for this season of work#idk maybe I’ve been in a weird place all year probably#I don’t think I’m that far from where I was at that age but I know I am there’s just still so much further to go#one day I think it’ll feel easier but maybe not today#I do love working w kids but I’m considering going into horticulture instead of outdoor education bc I don’t know if I can handle this#I can#but god I don’t know#in my heart I’m still that exact kid and she’s still in there so damn anxious and unsure and needing to observe the world and everyone in it#just to get some sense of understanding of just what the fuck is going on around here#but by the time I’ve gotten a good handle on what is going on everything is already so set in place and my place is outside the system and I#I don’t know how to step into it#sorry sorry I’m still rambling I’m having a weird day I probably just haven’t eaten nearly enough in the last few days and I’m about to#start teaching on my own this week which is terrifying and I can’t stop thinking abt that damn kid I wish they stayed longer I think#we probably would’ve gotten along#but groups only come here for a couple days and then go home which is v weird after having the same kids for 3 weeks for summer camp#idk life gets better and it gets worse and sometimes u grow into the world a little more but there’s still a mute child in your ribcage#little hands pressed up against ur ribs like laying a palm against a bus window#I put my hand over my sternum as if we could press our hands together thru time#when I was that age I used to pretend to have someone around me like an imaginary friend but usually it was a book character that I liked#and I’d talk to myself in my head like having a conversation and giving myself motivation and assurances from someone else to me#and now I’m here and I still talk to myself like that but without the imagined friend as a buffer I just talk to myself in my head#now I’m the imaginary friend for the little Sam that lives in my chest#when I talk to myself I’m talking to her#I’m giving her the assurance she needed back then#the assurance I still need now#I am here for her so I am here for myself#this is getting poetically nonsensical maybe it’s time for bed
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