#idk all I can think about sometimes is what I’m not
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Do SKZ like hickeys? Giving/receiving
Imma be so fr throughout doing this I got ice cream and was eating it like in between pulls and interpretations but it’s part of my artistic process and I’m never turning down an opportunity to mooch off the people around me by having them buy me things
Chan
He doesn’t like giving hickeys because he gets too carried away. It’s like he gets drunk off the experience and like his self control goes through the roof. Seeing his partner like that will make this man FERAL. But it also distracts him from a lot of things, so he’s more lenient on it. He also doesn’t like when his partner (rightfully) covers/hides a hickey. The rational part of him knows why and understands. The irrational part of him thinks it’s because they’re ashamed of him or something. And that makes him very volatile. He also just feels like giving hickeys is very impulsive in and of itself. Like people don’t think when they do it they just do. And he’s not that type of person. Though he fantasizes about giving hickeys he never would.
He likes receiving them. Practically he can’t most of the time unless they’re on places he wouldn’t show because he’s an idol. But he loves it when it’s someone he trusts. But they have to work for it. Chan went all emo though so like…Hickey trauma? Sad because of a lack of hickeys? “Everything makes me think of him/her?” Idk what it’s about but like he’s sad about it. But yeah he has to regulate himself and set rules for whoever’s giving them like “You can only put them here here” or if he knows he’ll be performing with a shirt off he has to make sure it’s below the belt. I was abt to ask a very serious question of the audience but this isn’t the time nor place so imma move on. Afterwards he always needs to lay back and self reflect on what the hell happened. Having hickeys on him just genuinely makes him very smug. Like “Yeah my partner wants me bitches” or something.
Minho
Literal legend by Ayesha Erotica came on as soon as I went to pull for this. Minho the man you are
ANYWAYS.
He loves giving hickeys. He gives them enthusiastically. They’re a requirement when he’s getting down and dirty with someone he’s in a relationship with. Or even when he’s bored and suddenly feeling “inspired” or feels the urge to. He’s very open-minded and fair when it comes to it, so yeah already getting he probably will let his partner give him one too. He’s also aware that having hickeys on too obvious places may ruin people’s perceptions on whoever he gives it to so he tries to make them in places easily hidden by clothing. And will respect it if they ask him not to. Actually scratch the relationship thing he gives random flings hickeys too with 0 shame. He’s very disciplined with it though. But he’ll also give as many as he can. He also likes giving them wherever he can.
He honestly would let someone give him hickeys if he wasn’t an idol. But he doesn’t want to deal with the stress that would come with them accidentally being seen. He’s very logical in that aspect. In theory he’d love it but solely in theory. But sometimes if his partner gets lucky he’ll let them leave them on like his inner thighs or something. It’ll be quite an achievement though.
Changbin
He likes giving hickeys. He’s like Chan when it comes to getting lost in it. Addicted to it. Having little self control when it comes to leaving them all over. He likes to indulge in it. Definitely the type that has the decorum not to leave them on the neck but shoulders and collarbones are his favorite places to leave them. He fantasizes about it even. And he likes seeing them. He’s very passionate about it and when doing it, I think.
He likes receiving them but another where his partner would have to work hard to be permitted to leave them. Another who’s worried. Hes an idol, he can’t be caught with them. He likes receiving a lot of them though. He fantasizes about receiving them too.
Hyunjin
Imma crash out. Genuinely. He was so eager to do this he literally cut into Changbin’s. I was trying to draw the last few for Changbin then BAM. HYUNJIN. OVERWHELMINGLY HYUNJIN.
And guess what card I got?
Lust.
BECAUSE HWS HYUNJIN.
What if I cried? Then what?
And guess what song came on after this? Head sprung.
I’m sick and tired of Hyunjin. SICK AND TIRED.
But yeah.
I’m just taking the lust as an overall card and we all know what lust is. If you wanna know what the card specifically means…Google it? I dunno
Now that it’s HIS TURN
Surprise surprise he loves giving hickeys. I’m sooooo shocked. He likes giving a lot of them. 007 just came on. I have never heard this song before. I’m not surprised THIS is what’s going on right now. THIS ISNT EVEN MY PLAYLIST IM GONNA CRY. Anyways he likes them a lot. See…I have a lot of cards here. None of which I can even get any real meaning for
Hyunjin is stressing me out
He’s down for receiving hickeys and unlike the others doesn’t give a shit someone may see? Or rather doesn’t think about it. Someone in power probably pulled rank and said they’d do XYZ if it happened. Probably Chan. And he’s graciously choosing to pretend that never ever happened.
Han
Han is always such a breath of fresh air after Hyunjin. I love Han. I eat sleep and breathe Han. Han should stay the way he is because he’s perfect and I love him
He doesn’t mind giving hickeys and likes giving them in obvious places. I’m getting sun imagery so this is definitely his Leo Mars shining through. He thinks the hickeys keep anyone from trying to steal his partner away from him. Especially since as an idol he’s often gone. After he probably self reflects a lot. It also starts many o’ inner conflict when he reflects because it makes him really think on the why. He doesn’t want to think of or speak on the why.
Another who doesn’t mind receiving them. He high key WANTS the public to see them. Like a badge of honor. Very open and honest about their existence. Fantasizes about being all marked up with hickeys and fans catching him.
Felix
He doesn’t like it, point blank period. He believes it’s too aggressive and doesn’t want to hurt his partner in the process. He’d just feel very ashamed and guilty about it if he did. And he feels like the act of doing it just lacks any compassion for the receiver.
How do I say this…Felix likes receiving hickeys wrapped into a package of degradation. And aggressiveness. See…He thinks it may hurt because that’s how he likes it. When it hurts in the process. DONT SHOOT THE MESSENGER. Another who often can’t because he’s an idol. And he constantly changes his mind on the matter in general. But generally he enjoys it.
Seungmin
He likes giving hickeys. I don’t know where but he probably has his favorite spot that’s both enjoyable to give hickeys to and inconspicuous. He’s aggressive with it too. He won’t if his partner doesn’t want him to, though. He’s just generally very patient with his partner. Getting this links with his shadow self??? And I don’t wanna know??? So I won’t ask???
Very bluntly, he likes receiving hickeys. That’s all folks.
I.N
He does enjoy giving hickeys. In theory. Practically he’s never done it and thinking of doing it scares the fuck out of him for many reasons. Reasons we won’t get into fully but include and are not limited to; the humiliation he’d feel if it didn’t work, the fact he doesn’t fucking know the proper hickey technique and he’d rather die than ask one of his hyungs about hickey giving technique, he doesn’t know if he’d be too aggressive with it, doesn’t want to be turned down if he asked, etc. if asked he’d try with much swiftness though.
He doesn’t want to receive one AT ALL. I’m getting he thinks it’d hurt and he’d suffer and end up crying sobbing rolling on the floor about it. And don’t get me started on all the risks if the public finds out. Even if a staff member finds out and leaks it. It would ruin him and he’s not taking that risk for a fancy mouth bruise. Hell no.
#kpop tarot#tarot#stray kids tarot#stray kids#skz#Chan#bangchan#bang Chan#Minho#Lee Minho#Lee know#Changbin#seo Changbin#hyunjin#hwang hyunjin#Han#Han Jisung#Felix#Lee Felix#yongbok#lee yongbok#Seungmin#Kim seungmin#I.n#Jeongin#yang jeongin
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Do you really think shatnoy was real? /Gen I am intrigued actually. I don't tend to dabble with rpf but your post made me think
do i think shatnoy was real, hmm. not really, no. i think shatner and nimoy liked women very much. do i think they had a friendship that perhaps went a bit deeper due to their shared bond over making star trek and spending so many years in each other’s company? yes.
if you think about it, a lot of friendships are surface level or maybe hindered due to work, family or other responsibilities that get in the way of forging true platonic relationships. shatner and nimoy were thrust into an intense level of fame after tos began to gain traction and eventually becoming a cult classic sci-fi television show. their faces were everywhere. they weren’t bill and leonard anymore, they were spock and kirk. with that level of fame comes its own difficulties and on top of that, they were probably always presumed to be as close as they were on the show.
shatner is not kirk in real life. he’s obviously said and done some things that some people find reprehensible. nimoy has shown himself to be a genuinely kind and philanthropic person. i think because of their opposing personalities, it kind of clicked for them. yin and yang, so speak. nimoy blunted all of shatner’s serrated edges and shatner was endearing to him in a way we’ll never be able to bear witness to or quite understand. i’m not claiming to have known them in their personal lives, but through interviews, books, and movies, i think i have a better understanding of what worked for them.
do i think shatner and nimoy had some kind of secret, passionate romance unbeknownst to the world? no. but i do think they loved each other, deeply. i think trust and understanding are things that few people are able to share completely with another human being. genuine affection (not romantic nor familial) for another person despite their flaws and shortcomings is something so rarely experienced in someone’s lifetime.
so no, i don’t think shatnoy was real in the sense that you’re asking me about. i think shatnoy was real in a much more intimate way. they loved each other. they watched each other grow old. probably confided in each other about their fears and frustrations that came with being spock and kirk. celebrated victories and failures as actors and people.
probably griped to each other about how annoying some star trek fans (me) can be.
they were best friends.
it’s depressing they weren’t able to make up before nimoy’s death, but shatner has made his affection and respect for nimoy publicly known.
and even though the world knew them as kirk and spock, they knew each other as bill and leonard.
(and maybe they made out sometimes when the mood struck idk)
#spirk#star trek tos#shatnoy#leonard nimoy#william shatner#they probably got married in secret#i’m sure shatner wore a white tux and was a bridezilla
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You should see an ENT if u can, I got surgery and they told me it would never be a 100% fix and honestly idk if it was even that much improved and recovery sucked but still good to get checked just in case you have other nose problems. I had chronic nosebleeds (like monthly sometimes multiple in the same day) and havent had one in the years since the operation
See I’m torn. Because I fear this looks quite stupid to be working out in. And yet: I can breathe so well 😩
Is this how well some people breathe through their nose all the time?! Holy HELL.
Thinking about this though has unlocked a memory of having to see an ENT when I was a kid about something to do with my nose so I need to ask my mum what that was about. I was like… 7 so I have no idea. He just looked at my nose a lot and made me do some test from my seven year old memory 😂
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#lately this site has been really fucking w my self image#I know sometimes I go through phases here#but idk this one feels kinda different#my sense of self has been kinda fucked up w my new job#I feel like I get on here and immediately start comparing#which is silly bc all the people I follow or reblog from are amazing#I love supporting their posts#it’s not competition#the best words for it are insecure and inadequate#but my self image and self worth plummeted recently#idk all I can think about sometimes is what I’m not#I get stuck in a spiral of telling myself I’m not enough#I have a hard time pulling myself out of that though#and god fucking knows I’m not gonna ask anyone near me for reassurance lmao#I really miss when this place was my outlet rather than another source of stress#I’m just so ready to not exist anymore#personal
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Sometimes you have to make shitty little OCxCanon comics to keep yourself sane
Sorry @mysticalcats I stole ur oc (foxglove)
#see so I say that but I literally lost my mind creating this I almost gave myself a lobotomy at least 5 times#can. can you tell I don’t know how to draw people kissing. can. can you tell#hahshsshhahsbshsghshshddghhiiygfdanan#I almost criedddddd#bright side!!!!! Vicci and foxglove turned out SUPER cute especially foxglove funky little guy#in case it isn’t clear they’re talking about moths in the first panel#idk man I just thought this would be funny and it still kind of is#‘was that ur gf?’#‘my what’#abahshs#Bluebelle’s silliest moment (fell in love)#anyhow SHOUTOUT TO GREAT COMET AND THE MABEL PODCAST HOLY FUCK#actually would have dropped off the face of the earth if not for them#teeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeee *dies explodes burns drowns*#rip tear shred maim#I can’t believe I’m posting this girlskies#what you all must think of me lmaoooooo#ANYWAY live laugh love you starlight express#the kiss (yk the one) is keeping me sane#evil men polycule fr#Chaumet you’re next#expect Bluebeard to appear too because I think I’m funny sometimes#cats the musical#cats musical#oc x canon#cats oc#jellicle oc#victoria cats#cats victoria#sorah’s silly scribbles
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through heavy , heavy tears : hawkeyes first instinct is to be KIND he’s so much less guarded than trapper and even bj when first meeting people ( even ones he probably won’t like ) he always treats them with respect . i’m going to be physically ill
#i have a headcanon that people were kind of really mean to hawkeye as a kid and this little detail about him reinforces it#he very much gives like . i was weird and left out as a kid but people love me now and i never want to be like those people who left me out#i feel like you see it most heavily with radar but he also does this thing when he steps back when he realizes he’s actually hurt someone’s#feelings .#idk like#he’s not kind ALL the time . like he obviously jokes around a LOT and some of those jokes can be pretty mean and even then sometimes he has#trouble apologizing#but at the same time ( most of the time ) if he realizes something has gone too far he’ll do what he can to express that he didn’t mean it i#in his own hawkeye way#i’m thinking about in ‘ for want of a boot ‘ when trapper calls radar short and radar gets upset about it and hawk’s like#‘ hey you know he’s only joking ‘ in that soft voice#or in ‘ house arrest ‘ when radar gets the platform shoes and hawkeye was like ‘ i was out of line for making fun of you ‘#those are the instances that come to mind but there’s a TON more#idk i just really love that detail about him#that he’s willing to step back and recognize when a joke’s maybe gone too far#he even does it with frank and charles#mash#mashposting#m*a*s*h#mash 4077#hawkeye pierce#hawkeye
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I love the rhyming on ttpd. can only think of two examples currently but I know there’s more.
#the dancing phantoms on the terrace do they get second hand embarrassed#is e v e r y t h I n g#but also I can’t stop thinking about:#you. look. like. taylor swift. in this light—we’re lovin’ it#like just the flow. the cadence. not even just the rhyme but#her ease with language and playfulness with it and all the little pockets and corners of so many songs#even ones you think you don’t like. settle in with time!#like the thing about taylor is that she is VERY much a poet#in that some of her genius/way with words is innate#and the images and stuff she uses the turns of phrase can feel so garish and embarrassing on first listen#they JAR#but honestly I think it’s because she is truly …. new? she is doing something NEW#and the shock and outrage that always goes with new things is always present with a Taylor album#and I think she’s drawing on so much from the past to write but she is so deeply rooted in the present cultural moment#so it’s so easy to dismiss her writing on first glance as like. idk a college girl’s idea of poetry#as being too Stark or Melodramatic.#she loves OBVIOUS imagery and extremely dramatic ones too#but she isn’t actually just throwing stuff at the wall#because pretty much always. it starts to land and soften and settle#and the image she’s chosen has done its job of drawing you into a world#and/or communicating an emotion#and sometimes it’s so upsetting. like. get me out of the bedroom with Matty Healy taylor!!!!!!!!!! but. the art is art-ing!#I guess is what I’m saying. she’s good at this it isn’t just hype#but some of it really is that she’s taking us places we might not want to go or are so quick to pass judgment on#as being unworthy of a song or more importantly a poem. but present art HAS to do that#and does do it!!!!!! idk I am just. musing
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trying to gather my thoughts on unruhe. something about this exchange is so vital to me…about how scully maybe isn’t as natural a seeker as mulder. about how her work as a pathologist is focused on “how” rather than “why”…whereas mulder’s profiling is the inverse. a woman is dead and a man killed her and no amount of probing the inner workings of his psyche, his dreams, his nightmares will remedy that situation. discovering the why doesn’t bring about any deeper sense of justice or peace. because really, no why could ever really explain the mundane horror of a woman’s abduction and murder. if anything, it just more starkly reveals the ugly simplicity of the human capacity for cruelty.
but i also love how later, she leans on the why. she channels mulder and his profiler brain. schnauz even picks up on it (“great. now they got you talking like sigmund freud,” in reference to him calling mulder freud during his interrogation). she asks him why he does it. why her. why this. why did his sister kill herself. why did his father do what he did. part of it’s to keep schnauz talking but it’s also another example of how she reaches for him, even metaphorically, in moments of fear and difficulty.
i also love how this episode, with its themes of unrest and strife and trouble, focuses on scully. mulder is usually the more restless character, always searching and seeking and chasing and moving. but scully is just as, if not maybe even more so. her mother’s remaining daughter. her father’s disappointment. a catholic to her bones, even as she lapses. a woman in a man’s job. who imagines a life to be a husband and kids and big sunday dinners, but who can’t stop following the mad man in the basement. who always insists she’s fine, who locks it all away, who chafes and squirms and explodes in impulsive incendiary bursts. who is always always trying.
there are just some things we don’t or can’t look too deeply into. if god is real, or why the woman in front of us is dead. scully will dig and scrape for proof and explanations for many things, but some interrogations aren’t worth the effort, or the fear of what might be found. some things just are, and they’re too big to move or change or overcome. women die because men kill them. what the hell does it matter?
#the x files#does this say anything at all? you decide.#to me this is especially a specific moment that points out the difference is gender dynamic between mulder and scully#which is not to say that mulder fails to grasp the depth of vulnerability women particularly face - he often does#but there sometimes feels like there’s something a little more…academic? to his approach? as a profiler and an investigator#in the sense of like. seeking out reasons and building out the psyche of the perpetrator even once he’s caught#like there’s a woman lying dead on the road and her killers in custody so why are we talking about dreams and nightmares and psychic photos?#scully as a woman who has experienced gendered violence doesn’t need to go probing because this is how the world is#men kill women because they can.#there is something vital about living in a violent world as a woman that mulder cannot fully understand#idk if i’m articulating my thoughts on this clearly at all#like there’s so much here…the fact that it’s lobotomies…the loss of the mind and sense of self#and scully is or at least likes to think of herself as cerebral so that’s terrifying to contemplate#and then being confronted with how restless she is and refusing to look at it….#also i know at the end she says she sees the value in looking at why monsters do what they do in order to understand them#and ultimately stop them#but i think that still troubles her and#doesn’t come easily to her#IDK i’m just saying stuff ok bye
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sigh i’m gonna vent
#life is so sad and weird sometimes i know how to forgive people for a lot of stuff maybe sometimes when i shouldn’t#but i never forgive myself for things even if i brush it off i still hold resentment towards myself and i don’t want to anymore#i think actually forgiving yourself like you’d forgive a friend can be so healing idk#i’ll work on it#i’m about to start such a new lonely and scary and stressful part of my life#and i don’t know what will happen but im just really hoping it can all be okay
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😜
ed tw in notes
#i committed to working out again (as of like a week ago) which I do sincerely need to do#but even post recovery I like. see muscles move under my skin and I remember what they looked like when they were so developed#and I had zero body fat then lmao. like Back In The Day i would be so thin I could look at this#*those muscles when I was even getting up from a chair.#I could see the contour of their boundaries (?) and even my ligaments/tendons sometimes. thru my skin. bc I was so thin#and when I look at my legs and arms move forward sometimes that’s all I can#think about. ‘u used to be able to see that move under ur skin but u can’t now bc there’s too much fat in the way’#I should be talking about this with a therapist I guess but I hate all of them and I don’t have a billion dollars and a whole decade to spen#*spend finding The Right One who is a good fit and is trained in this stuff specifically and can actually help me#idk what I’m even saying here anymore whatever I’m just…. ugh fuck.
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill�� ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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one thing I love about following celebrities/artists who are honest and proactive about their mental health struggles etc is I can’t count the number of times someone I know is going through something and I’m like ‘I’ve got a song for u’ and how much of my life involves telling myself ‘if [redacted] can do something/get better/etc then so can i’ (and having actual real evidence of it in front of me) and I can’t understate how much I appreciate these things.
but at the same time it involves a whole lot of watching people I care about suffer and you learn to read the signs and infer between the lines in songs and interviews, and yes we can never fully know what they don’t share with us, but when they do share things it’s not a big stretch to be like ‘this seems like it’s what life is like for you and I have taken encouragement from it but you deserve so much better’. and it’s easy to find ways to get angry at a predatory industry and realise things that could be hurtful if you’re already fragile.
and we can advocate for some things and help ourselves and the people around us feel better but it’s hard to meaningfully reach your faves as an individual. and there are things we can’t say on the internet in too much detail, speculation becomes the harmful kind of gossip, and so sometimes it’s a whole lot of internally saying ‘you’re doing incredibly well to have gotten to where you are but I wish for your sake things would get better faster’
#curse and catch 22 (not the song)#I didn’t mean to make this so anonymous as a post but maybe. it’s applicable to a lot of artists. I don’t know#just thinking about how sometimes someone will say something and it’s like ‘oh honey’ if you can see. why they might be saying it#like a glimpse into the top of an iceberg that makes a lot of sense to be there given other things they do and talk about#I feel like we’re in a unique position as a fandom with the way all four of them have been so vulnerable in different ways#and they may not be perfect but imo no one deserves to suffer like that especially for an extended amount of time. but the thing is#sometimes the fans are suffering and so are our faves and people appreciate the relatability and don’t have any basic compassion#or ability to see past their own struggles. with this fandom especially compared to a lot of others I’ve been in and I think I know why#but in the end the way I see it we’ve gotten so much relatable content and encouragement (bc the Finding The Positives Vibes which are ther#and sometimes there’s nothing we can give back apart from being a part of systemic change which all of us deserve for ourselves too#idk if this band is unique in this or I just find them more relatable personally and thus easier to see how hard they’ve worked#on themselves and taking risks in order to be honest. and it reminds me of the quote about how suffering won’t make your art better#healing will. and so imo anyone whose art is really good when they are going through a lot has me thinking. imagine what it’d be like#when life isn’t so hard for you?? or when you’re getting better but it just takes a long time I’m like. you deserve to feel better faster#this all said I’m incredibly proud and I’m not trying to insinuate there’s anything catastrophic going on bc there absolutely isnt#I am not in any way worried. I’ve seen tragedies about to happen and these guys show none of the signs. but I do relate to a lot of tidbits#pertaining to. certain chronic mental illnesses and/or being neurodivergent in an unaccommodating world (don’t ask which)#things I would anticipate would be a lot harder when there’s hordes of often fickle occasionally predatory fans to contend with#sometimes I just think of this idk#celebrities are people#5 seconds of summer#5sos#5sos fandom#cw mental health things
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Just got back from my friend’s wedding :’) I think it says a lot that I was the only high school friend that showed up
#TBF the others in our friend group back then live in different states now#And flying out for a wedding can be SO expensive.#But yeah idk it just meant a lot to me :’)#And my friend (the groom) was SO happy to see me. And his family was too#That made me really glad 🤧#The fact that he invited me to come at all also says a lot I think#And you know what maybe I cried on the way home in the car but that’s nobody’s business but mine!!#I’m very very happy for him. And his wife is SO sweet and so pretty#It’s just weird yk? Cause in high school I liked this guy SO much#Like I daydreamed about getting married to him some day#So seeing him marrying someone else felt very weird lol#Bittersweet mostly#Sorry this is super embarrassing LMAO but it’s not like I’m ever going to tell this to his face.#I know they’ll be very happy together and I’m so so glad he found someone that fits together with him so well#He’d better come to MY wedding tho. In the future. LOL#Shima speaks#It was a very ‘saying goodbye to your first love’ kind of thing.#Even after I confessed to him in high school (and got rejected) I never really stopped liking him#Like I just never got over it I guess. Even tho I KNEW nothing would ever come of it#Idk sometimes it’s hard to let that stuff go! It’s hard to stop liking someone after you liked them for so long and so strongly#I want to say I’m over it now but considering I was crying in my car:#Well. JFJSJMFMSMSNN#I know I don’t feel that way for him anymore like as a fact but. Idk it was weird—#Again bittersweet. I think I just needed a second to process and really let it sink in#Goodbye to my high school fantasy //waves a handkerchieff#Also MAYBE I saw them be so happy and was like. Why can’t I have that with someone. HUH#Leetle jealous. I need to find me a someone *squint emoji*#Anyway rant over wedding was good I’m just an idiot ;)
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so I had the summer (in reality, like… almost three months) off from one of my volunteering roles and I’m 20 minutes into my first meeting back and I am already so irritated and angry. maybe this is Not A Good Sign.
#people! are! just! so! useless!#and I am being uncharitable to some people but god#this meeting is also going to go on fucking forever bc nobody can stay on track#and like everyone is very nice! but sometimes I do not care about people being nice I care about getting shit done and not being in#a meeting til 8pm#like maybe I need to#just. dip.#I am full of frustration#I managed to get my point said about us needing more people there to Get Shit Done in between everyone being very optimistic#and like they agree with me#but god#I thought I would have more patience after a few months off and. nope. less patience#it’s just herding cats on intense steroids#and not doing it for a couple months has uh. brought into sharp relief how dysfunctional and infuriating a system it is#one of the people I work with just talks all fluff#like a consultant who charges by the word is what my partner said#and it’s all like things we should do or things we should focus on and empty buzzwords#‘we need to ensure these people have a seat at the table’ ‘we need to expand our offering’ ‘we need a concrete x policy in place’#‘we need to provide a space for the most marginalised in our community’ ‘#like great ok but what are we doing and crucially who is doing it and how#bc you’re not doing it you’ve just said you’re at low capacity#and we are at best a team of five and currently a team of three if we’re optimistic#the buzzword bingo REALLY pisses me off idk if it’s the lesbian in me or the scientist in me or just the tired grumpy old man in me#I think I’ve complained enough#I may…….. have to reconsider what I’m doing here I don’t think getting this angry within a few minutes of a meeting is healthy#it’s a good org I think we do important work#buuut at what point is that not a good enough reason to stick around yknow#ok if you’ve read this far thank you for reading all my anger
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Sometimes it’s very annoying having friends whose two points of knowledge reference growing up were 1. rural Ohio and 2. Online discourse, because while I try to give them the benefit of the doubt they sure do say bigoted shit and try to justify it with extremely online activist language or sleeper radfem rhetoric or just like so very not thought out
Like ohh you hate 99% of men and think they are all untrustworthy and violent? Ok so real quick can you tell your reasoning to a) the multiple trans men literally in the group chat with you and b) literally any man who is not white who I know you did not conceptualize when making this comment because you have very little exposure to them in your life. Idk I just get really annoyed like girl. You have no concept of intersectionality and it kinda pisses me off sometimes
#liolog#vent sorry lol I care about this person a lot and most of the time they are funny and often thoughtful but#their feelings towards men really piss me off#esp bc they say some really cutting shit sometimes IN a group chat with multiple trans men and then double down about it#like girl I’m trying to root for you please. let’s challenge your biases here.#like you’re allowed to be on edge or whatever if you have to be but come on. in front of my salad (trans friends)?????#LIKE IDK MAN am I crazy to think that saying you hate all men and then like#if someone is hey that’s a bit much and you go oh you know I mean straight white men#like why is that what you expect everyone’s conception of a man to be. why is straight white man the exemplary form of man to you#do you not understand where this reads as really kind of shitty to people or#among other things. that’s not even the heart of the issue but also makes me annoyed. like you have never left rural Ohio in and it shows#and like can we at least leave rural Ohio in mindset please
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palliative care is so fucking weird
i don’t know how to feel
#idk.#I’m hugely uncomfortable which I think is the point#it’s just hard to transition#I take a lot of pride of not really being phased by anything#but it’s no longer about trying to be the smartest person in the room#it’s about connecting and listening and slowing down#and Jesus it’s so hard I want the safety of the icu back sometimes#it’s so simple when I don’t have to think about all this shit#I just. idk.#I’m so soft to be a great icu doctor but too dead inside to be a great palliative doctor#where exactly does that leave us?#it’s ok. I’ll do what I can. but my heart feels heavy. idk
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