#i've just been trying to figure out how to explain this

[redvelvetcupcakes21]

Listen, can we get recognition of the son and father relationship in s8 please.

"Huh." Hens eyes follow the back of Bucks retreating back as Bobby looks on as well. "I thought he would have a bigger reaction than that. He was so desperateto get rid off Gerrad." Hen pondered, looking at Bobby who had stepped in the station now fully back as Captain of the 118.

Everyone had celebrated at the news...

Except Buck, who was subdued at best when Bobby announced he was back at the helm of the station.

"Wonder what that's about." Bobby frowned, his stomach already churning at what was to come.

What came next was nothing.

At least nothing from Buck.

No chats, no hugs, no smiles, and no interest in cooking for the team or even helping Bobby cook.

Buck was fine when it came to communicating during calls. Ever the professional.

Too professional for Bobby's liking.

And it didn't go unnoticed by the team.

He had tried to approach Buck about before the end of the shift during his fourth day back but Buck had rebuffed his efforts to talk.

They hadn't talked since he came back, Buck wasn't even talking during team dinners.

Sure he would talk to Eddie, Hen, Ravi, and Chim- all smiles and laughter with the team.

But it was just silence with Bobby.

Bobby had it by day 7 of his return and vowed to actually confront Buck at home.

(Bobby refused to be upset about not realizing that Buck had moved in with Tommy at some point. How had Buck not told him that? That was a really big life changing decision and milestone)

(Of course Bobby had missed the irony of him being upset at Buck)

He drove the extra 40 minutes from DTLA to Silver Lake, he had thankfully been able to find Tommy's address through some old work emails.

"Bobby? What are you doing here?" Tommy asked once he opened the door.

"Is Buck here?"

Tommy's jaw ticked at that, "He's out for a run, should he back soon." He opened the door wide and stepped aside. "Come in."

Bobby nodded in thanks and came into the house. He had to admit to himself, he and Tommy weren't close. It always felt as though they both were keen on putting a wall between them, that line between being professional and overly friendly. Bobby knew why his own reason for doing so, it just took for Buck and Tommy to be dating for him to put together Tommy's reason for the wall as well.

He didn't know what to expect when stepping into Tommy's house. But it felt warm and lived in, it was neat but there were a few knickknacks here and there, pictures of random sites and people with Tommy (including a lovely framed photo of Tommy and Buck at the awards ceremony), and a lot of plants.

He also noticed a few familiar items that he was sure belonged to Buck.

"Can I get you something to drink? Juice? Tea? Water?" Tommy offered, leading them towards the kitchen.

"Waters fine, thanks." Bobby took a quick look around the kitchen, taking a seat at the kitchen nook table.

"So...any particular reason for the drop in visit?" Tommy asked, sounding blase as got three glasses of water, setting aside one on the kitchen island.

Bobby nodded and gave out a meek thank you as Tommy sat from across him.

"I-uh, I'm not sure." Bobby admitted, he looked up at Tommy quizzically. "Has Buck told you anything? I mean, has he been different recently?"

Tommy arched a brow at that. "Bobby, if you're asking if I know why Buck has been giving you the silent treatment at work, you can just ask outright."

Bobby's eyes widened and he knew his mouth was hanging open as well. "So you know the reason then?" He asked the other man cautiously.

Tommy nodded, twisting the glass between his hands.

"Can you tell me why? I've been trying to figure it out but he won't talk to me." Bobby pleaded, "He's acting weird around me. He doesnt want to talk, doesnt want to help me out with cooking duties. He doeant even call me Cap anymore."

Tommy nodded sagely. "I know."

"Can you tell me why?"

He watched as Tommy looked crestfallen at that and sighed before explaining to Bobby. "No, because it's not my place and Evan knows he can trust me. And as much as I respect you Bobby, I respect my boyfriend more."

Bobby pressed his lips together, mildly annoyed and impressed that Buck had found a partner that had his back like this.

Bobby rubbed his face tiredly, shoulders slumping in defeat as he mumbled. "Yeah."

"Safe to assume he's doing his job, right? Responding to calls and orders." Tommy leaned back in his seat, arms crossed. "He's talking and treating you the way he typically would with another captain. You put on the uniform, respond to calls, take orders, and go home."

That had Bobby sit up straight. He felt a weird sense of deja vu at the words- he was unsure if he had said the words before or if someone else had. It felt familiar and bitter all at once.

Tommy looked at him with an imploring expression.

"Because this is a job and not a family." Bobby finished hollowly....

He had said the same thing to Tommy and the rest of the 118 when he had started as Captain.

He said the same thing a few times to Buck too after Buck had started at the station, but it never stuck.

Buck had wormed his way into Bobby's life and heart. Despite trying for all the years to make sure he had never treated Buck differently, he knew he had a soft spot for him.

Athena knew.

Hen knew.

May even knew.

A part of him knew that Buck was aware of it too.

Which was why Bobby was at his ropes end in trying to figure out how his relationship with Buck was now at the step before first step.

It was though they had pressed the reset button on their relationship it this time, it was Buck making sure that they weren't a family.

"Exactly." Tommy pointed at him knowingly, a sad smile that had Bobby feeling more guilt ridden for their relationship.

"Tommy, I-Im so-"

"Y'know the one thing I admire about Evan? Is that he's selfless and resilient as hell, but he's not gonna force someone to love him and he's not gonna settle either. It's either all or nothing, which I definitely appreciate because I want it all with him." Tommy's smile was fond, "I know Evan cares for a lot for the people he considers to be his family, I just wish that they thought the same for him."

Bobby frowned at that, thinking hack to the times where he and the others had been there for Buck when he was hurt.

He was about to retort back when he heard Buck's voice and foot steps approaching them, "Hey baby, you wouldn't mind if we skip the movies toni-"

Buck froze on the spot, his demeanor switching quickly to something darker and moodier as he asked Tommy "What's the captain doing here?"

Both men stood up but only Tommy went to Buck's side.

"He wanted to talk to you." Tommy explained gently, he rubbed Buck's back in comfort. "I know you're pissed but it might help to talk to him. Even just to get closure." Tommy advised.

Bobby frowned at that, still unsure to what led to Buck essentially giving him the silent treatment.

He watched as Tommy whispered something into Buck's ear and saw how Buck's eyes widened and hardened again. His looked straight at Bobby with a disappointed frown.

"Just talk to him." Tommy pressed, "You might get some answers you've been wanting to get." He kissed Buck on the temple ans squeezed his hand, "I'll be in the living room if you need me, okay?"

Buck nodded, letting their hands linger and trace over their arms as they pulled away. "Okay, yeah."

Buck licked his lips, rubbing his face tiredly with the bottom of his shirt. "You really don't get why I'm so angry at you?" He asked Bobby, his voice heavy with confusion, hurt, and frustration.

"No," Bobby stressed, waving his arms out in frustration. "Honestly Buck? I don't get where any of this is coming from. I figured you of all people would be relieved that I would be coming back."

Buck nodded, not in agreement but just because as he slumped down in the seat that Tommy had vacated.

"Yeah," Buck sighed, "but that doesn't undo what you did, Captain."

It was the Captain that did it.

It was the final straw.

Bobby slammed his hands against the table. "Damn it, Buck. What the hell did I do in the first place? What exactly?!

Buck took a deep breath in, his blue eyes dark and wide but his voice was rough- on the verge of tears as he told Bobby "You were planning on leaving and you didn't even bother to tell me."

For all the bubbling anger that Bobby had felt, it only took Buck's shaky voice to break his demeanor.

"Oh."

[radioactivepeasant]

Snippets: Free Day Thursday

As per the poll results, we are giving Damas stress via Just Plain Silliness. It builds character. Not that I needed an excuse to Inconvenience Characters in the first place �� it's become my favorite way of writing anything. Not Angst or Adventure, but Aggravation of Character in ridiculous ways 😂

This falls into the Trespasser au (last "episode" of that found HERE) a bit before the second Arena fight in the game.

The king of Spargus, Jak decided, was a killjoy.

For a city where strength and survival were supposed to be the most important traits, he sure didn't like any of Jak's demonstrations of strength or survival.

"You can't race Leapers in the middle of the market."

"Don't swim over the reef."

"Stop antagonizing the monks."

"You can't race Leapers on neighborhood roofs, either."

"If I told you not to swim over the reef, why would you assume I'd be okay with you feeding the sea monster?!'

It was like he was vehemently opposed to the mere concept of fun.

Jak folded his arms and tried not to roll his eyes while Kleiver complained about the scuffed up suspension and undercarriage on the Dune Hopper. Sure, he'd cut it a little close on the broken bridge, but he'd gotten away with the artifacts and left the Marauders in a two car pile up, so who was the winner, here?

Not Jak, apparently.

Damas listened to Kleiver yell about how he'd have to redo the entire suspension -- a gross exaggeration -- and how there was half a metalhead stuck in the undercarriage. Now that, Jak hadn't known about. When had he run over a metalhead?

"Hey! We didn't do that!" Daxter protested, "How do we know you didn't put that there last time you drove?!"

"Because I don't take the Hopper if I plan to do a run down Turquoise Canyon!" Kleiver snapped.

Damas steepled his fingers in front of his mouth and examined the damaged vehicle.

"One of these days, kid, I swear to Volcan-"

"What?! I got the job done, didn't I?" Jak protested indignantly. "Did you want the Marauders to get their hands on a functioning power cell?"

Damas’s jaw tightened so much that his mouth appeared to be folding inward. He inhaled slowly, and let it out again, ears twitching while he was very obviously counting to ten.

"There are no jumps in the canyon," he said slowly, "So how did you manage this?"

Jak shrugged nonchalantly. "The 'rauders chased us out to the ruins," he explained, "Ran out of turbo, so I had to get creative with the jump."

Kleiver started swearing very creatively under his breath. Damas turned an interesting shade of red.

"That does it."

The king grabbed Jak by the channeling ring and near dragged him out of the garage before Kleiver could clobber someone with a wrench.

"One more stunt like that out of you," Damas threatened, "and I'm entering you into an apprenticeship. Let's see you foment chaos with an actual structure in your day."

"You're not gonna do that," Jak scoffed.

Damas’s eyes narrowed. "Try me."

Jak did not take this nearly as seriously as he ought to have. In fact, he seemed to regard the threat as more instances of Damas "worrying too much". Damas did not worry too much! If anything, he wasn't worried enough about the insanity this young unknown relative had brought into his city! More than one advisor or guildmaster had been privy to the king muttering darkly, "I'm either going to kill him, or start training him myself. I'll let you know when I've figured out which."

And of course, Jak kept being Jak. Climbing the Arena walls because he saw a Precursor orb someone had dropped. Messing around with some kind of evil alien satellite on the beach. Inciting other inhabitants of the youth barracks to join foot races in the barrack halls in the dead hours of night. And he seemed to regard all of this as perfectly normal behavior. It was like all the impulses he'd had to shove down in Haven, all the ways he'd had to be perfect to fit under the yoke of that terrible word, hero, everything came crashing down in Spargus. He had almost no limits here, and that kind of freedom seemed to awaken a wildness that was above the paygrade of the dorm supervisor.

It came to the point where Damas was actually allowing the kid to go out into a sandstorm, just to get some of that boundless energy out! It wouldn't have been his first choice. Or even his tenth. But the storm rolling in was much larger than anything else they'd seen that summer. And for all his recklessness, Jak was their fastest driver.

"Four scouts have not reported in," the king told Jak and Daxter. His face was grim. "Two just set off their emergency beacons. At the rate this storm is going-"

He shook his head, cutting off his sentence.

Daxter had worried that Spargus would be another Krew situation at first. But here was the king of the cranky lizard-riders, flipping out because a handful of scouts -- one of the lowest ranks in the city -- weren't accounted for before a deadly storm.

In Haven, their absence wouldn't have even been noticed until roll call.

The old timers in the market were right, weren't they? "King's eyes see all." This guy watched everyone like a hawk, didn't he? Daxter wasn't sure if that bothered him, or if it just reminded him of Jak.

He supposed that was fitting, considering the two were probably related, no matter how in denial Jak seemed to be about being an Heir of Mar.

"Where's the Crawler right now?" Jak asked.

The mobile sandstorm shelter wasn't invincible, but it could take a lot. That would be the scouts' best bet.

Damas looked out the windows, glaring at the dark clouds as though he could hold the storm back by sheer force of will. It took a moment to hear his voice over the water.

"The Crawler is in the steppes at the moment. She's not a fast vehicle, Jak. I need you to get those scouts to either the Crawler or the city."

"I will."

Damas turned a stern look on them both.

"No stunts. These are people's lives we're talking about."

"I know!" Jak sputtered, a little offended. "And I won't bust the car up this time, so Kleiver can give it a rest."

"No. I'm serious, boy," Damas warned, "If it comes down to abandoning the car for shelter or trying to drive in the storm, you leave the car. Do you understand?"

Jak huffed. Damas had seen him outrun sandstorms before! What was so bad about a slightly bigger one?

"I got it, I got it," he grumbled.

Damas glared.

"No. Stunts. You get back here in one piece."

"Okay, I got it already!" Jak groaned.

"Jak-!"

"I know, Dad!" Jak complained.

An instant later his eyes widened.

The water suddenly seemed much louder than usual.

Daxter wasn't even sure any of them were breathing.

Three pairs of dramatically widened eyes darted back and forth between them as silence built up like steam under pressure. It was going to erupt sooner or later, the question was how.

Damas made a very small, strangled noise in the back of his throat.

Jak snapped out of his moment of horrified realization.

"Uh. I'll let you know when everyone is accounted for!"

He pivoted and bolted for the elevator before Damas could see his entire face burn crimson.

A guard at the back of the chamber opened his mouth to comment and in one rushed tangle of syllables Jak hissed,

"Youdidn'thearanything!"

Damas didn't blink for a good two minutes after Jak had left.

He didn't move for a good two minutes.

He stood exactly where he'd been, staring blankly at the empty elevator shaft.

The captain of the tower guard, an older man named Cephus, left his place by the windows to lean into Damas’s peripheral vision. He waved slightly, and the king finally blinked.

"Are you alright, sire?" Cephus asked.

Damas made a curious wheeze before speaking through a groaning inhalation.

"Oh no."

"Hm!" Cephus stroked his long beard. "Guess the wild one imprinted on you! Do I offer congratulations or condolences?"

Damas nodded slowly and stiffly.

"....help."

There could not possibly have been a worse time for the monks to finally send him the results of the blood test.

[militarymenrbomb]

Found another story:

24 Straight with a gf of 6 years and somehow ended up with a sugar daddy

Sorry this is a really long story everyone!!

I wouldn't consider myself straight anymore but I sure did about 6 months ago. Bisexual would be the best way to explain it now!

6 months ago I wouldn't of thought of hooking up with another person , let alone a guy. I considered myself pretty straight past the little phase when i was 15 of wanting just about anyone to suck my cock and watched some gay porn a few times..

I'm in a happy relationship with a great girl but we are just finishing school and don't have a lot of money. We both live at home and are trying to save to buy a house together but it's almost impossible nowadays for young people. I took up a second job at a restaurant my family friend owns just on nights being a bartender!

The tips are great usually and I found myself saving some money but we were easily years away from the goals we had even with the second job!

One night I had an older man come in that had to be about my dad's age and he sat at the bar for hours talking to me whenever he had the chance about his business he used to own or about his ex wife and kids and I listened like a bartender does, he told me that after his wife left him he decided to start getting with younger girls and guys that needed money. I was kind of taken back by his comment and didn't have much to say and made up some reason to help another customer. It was pretty awkward honestly.

At the end of the night he gave me a 100$ tip which was amazing and I was very thankful and thanked him a few times. He looked at me and said there's alot more if you really want it and slid his number over on a piece of paper and walked away. I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash and finished my night that was about to end.

As we were cleaning up and leaving , I did the trash and saw the number.

I was curious how much money he was talking about, and what he really wanted from me.. I took the number and texted him asking what he wanted out of curiousity.

I texted him "hey it's Jay from the bar" and he answered back "Oh hello, you're taking up my offer then?" I answered back asking what he wanted.

He said to come over when I'm off, he will be naked and he just wants to cum all over my chest, no touching. For 1000$. "Simple" in his words..

I couldn't believe he'd pay 1000$ for that... I honestly thought it was so weird but figured it was a pretty harmless way to make 1000$ blinded by the money and agreed.

I went to his house pretty nervously and reluctantly, I almost left about 4 times before knocking on his door.

He was there naked and jacking off already and said to take my shirt off and anything else that I didn't want cum all over. I was feeling very very weird and felt kinda trapped in this now..

I was going to see my gf after so I couldn't have cum on my stuff. So I took everything off but my underwear which seemed to excite him..

He got me to kneel infront of him and tell him about my girlfriend which led to me telling him I've never been with a guy in my life. He was clearly very excited by that and came quickly all over my chest. I've never seen so much cum in my life and I just stared from my knees while his cock kept cumming ..

He leaned over and handed me ten 100$ bills and said "that's just the starting pay ya know"

I took it , cleaned up quickly and got dressed.. thanked him and went home feeling pretty shitty and sure I wouldnt do it again..

After the fact in about 2 weeks I couldn't believe I had 1000$ for a 5 minute stop home.. and started thinking if I let him do that every little bit we could buy a house in no time... so i texted him again...

Asked if he wanted to do it again to which he responded "Every stop you go up a level, 2000$ and you're naked this time and I want to see some pictures of your girlfriend while I make myself cum"

I didn't know what to say, but again convinced myself it was a pretty easy step up for 2 grand and now I didn't have to do it two more times, just this 1 more time! I went and did it , completely naked and showed him a few naked pictures of my girlfriend, he came hard and I left with 2 grand telling myself never again.

2 weeks later... again somehow now curious what level 3 would be to make 3k... at this rate I realized by level 4 I would of saved more money in this period then in a year. So I said to myself let's see what level 3 is.

I texted him again and asked what level 3 was , he responded with a "oh hey again... level 3 is you naked, jacking me off to pictures of your girlfriend, 5k this time for that."

I didn't want to jack him off honestly and ignored him for a few days thinking about it. Money clearly was my weak spot and I reluctantly agreed again and went to do it. I went in and got naked handed him my phone of pictures and grabbed his what must've been 8" cock and started to jack it off with both my hands like I would like it to make him cum hopefully fast. He loved every second of what must've been about 5 minutes of my jacking him off for him to release all over me. This time it hit my face and I was really grossed out and taken back by it which made him laugh?... kinda pissed me off and I took my envelope of money and left pretty upset with myself.

I now had 8k in 2 months and I didn't need anymore money that quickly. I was done and ashamed of myself but the money did make me feel alot better.

I told my girlfriend I won it at the casino with my friends and we realized we were only 10k away from our goal!!

Looking back, I sometimes wish I never heard we were 10k away..

Because now my brains trying to find quick ways to make 10k! And we all know now where my mind instantly went to. Level 4...

".... what's level 4...."

"Knew you'd be back 😉"

"What is level 4?!"

"Level 4 is you sucking my cock."

"10k if you try to swallow my cum"

I got up and headed over. I didn't give a fuck anymore, just suck this guys cock, make 10k and it's all fucking over with. I'll never make the money I did this fast ever again.

I walked in, got naked and on my knees and just went to town on his cock. I didn't want to over think it and went at it like ripping off a bandaid.

I was about 2 minutes in and realized ripping a bandaid is done once you do it.. sucking cock doesn't work that way.

I looked up and he was smirking at me and telling me I was a good boy, and I was amazing at sucking dick for a "newbie"... he grabbed my hair and just sat back and enjoyed.

I kept sucking his cock to his comments of being a good boy and slut and I fucking liked it kinda.

I was enjoying sucking his cock ? I started to eagerly suck faster and want him to cum which he did, all in my mouth...

He held the back of my head and grunted loudly shooting shot after shot which I just tried to keep swallowing..

When he was done I just sat in my kneeled position kinda horny, kinda embarrassed..

He said "good slut, I'm fucking you next, text me tomorrow when youre ready!"

I got up.. agreed and got dressed and left.. I went home put the money away and just took a shower to think... I jacked off to the idea of him fucking me and texted him like he asked without a thought.

I went over to his house the next day and he made me suck his dick again, which I happily did. He sat down and told me to ride his cock and give him my virgin ass... he poured lube all over and I listened. I slowly put it in which hurt alot honestly and felt pretty terrible. He didn't care and moaned and enjoyed all of it.. even me hurting I think honestly..

The terrible pain lasted 5 minutes maybe even 10 and I was having a horrible time and questioned my whole life I think until it didn't hurt.

This man fucked my ass for an hour and made me cum harder then anything in my life. (I can tell a full story about our sex later)

I left with 0$ that night. Didn't even ask for the money.

I have gone back, 3 to 4 times a week to suck this man's cock and get fucked by him for free everytime for the last 4 months.

I seriously think I'd pay him if he said no.

I'm his fucking slut now and I don't understand it.

I can't stop going back, I can't stop doing it and I seriously am considering breaking up with my girlfriend and just being his little boy which he keeps asking me to do...

Still honestly can't believe this is happening.

[phantomoftheorpheum]

i think the reason mr martin collected all the objects was because he was studying the students death to see how to crossover. now i don’t know if he actually wants them to crossover or to be stuck with him in the school forever and that’s why he’s keeping their stuff from them. i agree with you on maddie maybe not coming back to life in her body because she literally said ‘my mom killed my spirit’ and janet knocked it out of her so how would she ever get it back? i just really want them to keep her actually dead and not have this all be for nothing.

Yeah, it sounds like we're on the same page about things. I just wonder how Mr. Martin seems to be exempt from a lot of the ghost rules? He was able to lock doors & keep journals without those things resetting? I suppose the things he collected that belonged to the other ghosts were things they had on them when they died (like the ball from Wally's game), so those items are exempt, but unless Mr. Martin was carrying a big stack of notebooks, those should reset? He clearly has some abilities that make him exempt from the rules, but I really wonder what the extent of that is. And I'm definitely very interested to learn what his ultimate goal is.

I've been trying to figure out how to explain why Maddie's "death" being a real death feels important to me... I want to say, firstly, that I'm not against happy endings in general. In fact, I feel really strongly that something is not inherently more profound just because it's sad, and it bothers me that we often treat it that way. My favorite endings are usually ones that are hopeful, but not completely tied up in a big happy bow. That being said, when done well, I love a good tragedy and I love a good happily-ever-after. I'm not a big fan of literary suffering purely for the sake of suffering. So it's not that I'm automatically against a happy ending. I just feel that it's really important to make sure that your ending, whatever your ending, feels genuinely earned. Obviously, that's subjective. For me, one thing that can make an ending feel cheapened is undermining the weight of death. Personally, I feel that the show actively asked me to emotionally engage in the concept of Maddie's death and carried that through pretty much every element in the show (the mystery, her relationships from her life, her relationships from her afterlife, etc.), so if she gets some kind of "get out of jail free" card, it makes so many of those tragic but beautiful moments (like when Maddie realizes that her mother living on false hope isn't good/fair) feel hollow. I worry, with Maddie's body being okay, that the show might choose to take the direction of this being an experience that makes Maddie & those around her really appreciate life, rather than an exploration of grief/loss/death. While that's not a bad story to tell, it's not the one I was invested in, and I personally don't feel that it is as fitting to the concept/tone of the show, or as complex or interesting. But, of course, that's my opinion & I'm sure there are people who completely disagree.

Regardless, I really hope we get to see a season 2 and see where these writers choose to take this story!

[mars-ipan]

this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately

[dandyshucks]

trying to tell other ppl about OCs is so hard and embarrassing, like yeah here's my automaton guy that I've been calling Empty Mask, yeah I nearly cried over the thought of him collecting broken porcelain dolls the other day, yeah he sounds kind of stupid but he's actually kind of a tragic character if u get to know his story,,,,,,

[thatfaerieprincess]

if one more well meaning relative asks me if i have done any drawing recently i will start screaming and flip a table 🤪🙃

[celepeace]

Sometimes I'm surprised that monster hunter isn't more popular among the creature design and spec evo corners of tumblr, at least the portions that also play video games, and then I remember that it's just about as hard as soulsborne games (I'd argue some specific entries are even harder) but doesn't have any of the atmospheric or story elements to attract people. It gets by on sheer gameplay alone and isn't a pvp game either. There is no way to make the game easier besides picking one of the less mechanically complex weapons and git gud. If it wasn't for the neat dinosaurs I couldn't think of a game less alluring to the average tumblr user

[keeps-ache]

life could be a dream!!! [throws myself into the sun]

[nepsah]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate this class so much i am so, so tempted to just Stop Doing Assignments bc i don't even fucking care that i'll "fail" it

it'll be a massive waste of money but it'd be better than banging my head against a wall repeatedly while feeling like an absolute idiot for not understanding what the fuck is supposed to be going on here

[cosmojjong]

crazy to me how i perceive my korean vs how others perceive it

[roboromantic]

ough I really oughta just pay for an Actual blender course instead of trying to teach myself via youtube tutorials and messing around bc holy adhd, batman

[kalashtars]

lol lmao when the people in your performance group project didn't prepare AT ALL for anything so now you have to attempt to edit what you filmed into something vaguely watchable and it's Not Working

[corpsegold]

 I'm realizing that I use people like drugs. I get tolerance to them and then get bored. I never really turn up for them, I only pretend to when it serves me. I sometimes spend my energy on them to maintain the structure of the facade of the relationship but really I have no idea how any of it works and never really care about it intuitively. This might not be true all of the time but it's definitely true most of the time. I think sometimes I care about other people and can empathize, but 99% of my actions are entirely self absorbed, relating to how people feel about me and things.

How I make other people feel is not that relevant unless it relates to how they feel about me. How people feel about me is the most relevant thing period. This has been changing slightly with going to AA and thinking about practicing gratitude. I think sometimes I am kind even when no one is watching or would remember as well, it's just not my intuition to be like that.

This makes me a very unsavory person, even though I try to cover up that I’m this insecure and shallow. Even my family don’t like me, but I think that was true when I was a kid as well. This causes me to become very isolated- I struggle to make or maintain any relationships, even with other neurodivergent or addicted people for the most part. This causes me to drink to anesthetize, out of boredom, depression, social anxiety- missing the emotional regulation that comes from connecting with other people and getting perspective. I spend far too much time in my own head navel gazing and pathologizing myself. I’m obsessed with my own pain. I interact with people when it serves my fantasy, and get rid of them when I get uncomfortable, because I don't trust that they won't conspire to sabotage me, or because I don’t cope with any kind of perceived criticism well.

I’m realizing that the way I think is like, if someone is nice to me, it's because they fancy or are envious of me. This makes me distrust them because it means they’re dangerous, unless I’m drunk. If someone isn’t nice to me, it's because I’m awful and need to hide in a cave (or drink on my own.) Either way it results in drinking, but one of the big processes underneath it is being self absorbed in a paranoid way. I want to be a nice person. I’m excited for the journey to learn how to be, if it's possible. The way that I’ve been living has not been well. 

This explains why trying to be abstinent and engage with a program makes me feel suspicious of other people and want to retreat into drinking. Not because I enjoy the drinking (tho naltrexone has shown me that I do actually) but because it dims down how much I care about what other people think about me, letting me pretend to myself that I’m normal for a while. I need to find a safe way to deflate my ego without imploding, and get some real self esteem without becoming overtly grandiose- then people will like me even less. I have to learn how to manage my ego so I can tolerate being alive

[slippery-minghus]

sometimes i look at things my mom has done... simple tasks.... and i see where the intellectual delays/disability i fought tooth and nail to overcome growing up came from.... 💀

[elumish]

I've been reading Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros, and it's gotten me thinking about how worldbuilding is multilayered, and about how a failure of one layer of the worldbuilding can negatively impact the book, even if the other layers of the worldbuilding work.

I don't want to spoil the book for anyone, so I'm going to talk about it more broadly instead. In my day job, one of the things I do is planning/plan development, and we talk about plans broadly as strategic, operational, and tactical. I think, in many ways, worldbuilding functions the same way.

Strategic worldbuilding, as I think of it, is how the world as a whole works. It's that vampires exist and broadly how vampires exist and interact with the world, unrelated to the characters or (sometimes) to the organizations that the characters are part of. It's the ongoing war between Earth and Mars; it's the fact that every left-handed person woke up with magic 35 years ago; it's Victorian-era London except every twelfth day it rains frogs. It's the world, in the broadest sense.

Operational worldbuilding is the organizations--the stuff that people as a whole are doing/have made within the context of that strategic-level world. For The Hunger Games, I'd probably put the post-apocalyptic nature of the world and even the existence/structure of the districts as the strategic level and the construct of the Hunger Games as the operational level: the post-apocalyptic nature of the world and the districts are the overall world that they live in, and the Hunger Games are the construct that were created as a response.

Tactical worldbuilding is, in my mind, character building--and, specifically, how the characters (especially but not exclusively the main characters) exist within the context of the world. In The Hunger Games, Katniss has experience in hunting, foraging, wilderness survival, etc. because of the context of the world that she grew up in (post-apocalyptic, district structure, Hunger Games, etc.). This sort of worldbuilding, to me, isn't about the personality part of the characterization but about the context of the character.

Each one of these layers can fail independently, even if the other ones succeed. When I think of an operational worldbuilding failure, I think of Divergent, where they took a post-apocalyptic world and set up an orgnaizational structure that didn't make any sense, where people are prescribed to like 6 jobs that don't in any way cover what's required to run a modern civilization--or even to run the society that they're shown as running. The society that they present can't exist as written in the world that they're presented as existing in--or if they can, I never could figure out how when reading the book (or watching the film).

So operational worldbuilding failures can happen when the organizations or societies that are presented don't seem like they could function in the context that they are presented in or when they just don't make any sense for what they are trying to accomplish. If the story can't reasonably answer why is this organization built this way or why do they do what they do then I see it as an organizational worldbuilding failure.

For tactical worldbuilding failures, I think of stories where characters have skillsets that conveniently match up with what they need to solve the problems of the plot but don't actually match their background or experience. If Katniss had been from an urban area and never set foot in a forest, it wouldn't have worked to have her as she was.

In this way (as in planning), the tactical level should align with the operational level which should align with the strategic level--you should be able to trace from one to the next and understand how things exist in the context of each other.

For that reason, strategic worldbuilding failures are the vaguest to explain, but I think of them like this: if it either 1) is so internally inconsistent that it starts to fall apart or 2) leaves the reader going this doesn't make any sense at all then it's probably failed.