#i'm highly disappointed in myself

[heich0e]

Hi Liv!! Do you have a favorite Suna fic or AU that you’ve written? I’m in a Suna mood today hehe

if i can be so real with you i don't rly have any fics that stand out as "favourites"?? but i guess i do definitely have like a ranking of preference in my head if that makes sense. like COMPARATIVELY i can say i like one fic better than another fic, but (at least rn) none of my fics rly jump out at me as being noteworthy or markedly better than the rest?? that's not just re: suna fics it's w/ all my writing. they're just my silly little storiesssssss

[kakao-lovey]

⁉¿? Wait a minute... Who are you?

Journaling prompts to find your identity when you're drowning in labels and subcultures

Let me be real with you. I'm a teenager, as I assume most of you reading this are (And if you're not, that's totally OK), and trying to find your identity often means trying on persona after persona, hoping that someday something will fit. Which, yes, it will, but I personally believe writing it out and exploring is so much more rewarding (and so much less embarrassing).

۶ৎ Create an overview

This is like writing a discord intro. Include your (Actual, chosen) name, gender identity, and so on, if you would like, but the most important part isn't that obvious.

How do I feel about my nationality? Am I proud of where I live? If I had to choose somewhere, anywhere to live, where would I choose?

What are my feelings towards my assigned gender? Where do I fall on the spectrum? Is my energy more masculine or feminine, or completely neutral?

What is my body image like? What do I like about the way I look, and what do I don't?

Do I actually feel like my bodily age? Younger, older?

Am I aligned with 'Human nature'? Do I enjoy being human, or would I rather be something else?

By taking these traits you were born with and evaluating, you start to get an idea of what you identify with, and what you don't. This is very important, but people often don't question things like this, as they seem a given (But end up unhappy with their view of themselves).

۶ৎ This versus that

Divide your page into a left side and a right side. On the left, write down your real-life answers to these questions. On the right, write what your 100% ideal version of yourself would say. Then compare.

How do I feel about going to school / university / my job?

How do I wake up feeling in the morning?

How do I express myself? (Clothing, makeup, art, music)

What does my friendship circle / lack thereof look like?

How does my brain think people see me? Do I care?

What does my living space look like?

How do I treat myself? Is it fair?

What goes on daily inside my head?

What are my goals in life?

How do I react to failure / disappointment?

What is my main coping mechanism?

What is the strongest opinion I have about myself?

How do my hobbies / activities contribute to my life?

What is my biggest vice?

What am I proud of, relating to my identity?

If it doesn't match up at all, no worries. The most important step to creating an identity for yourself is knowing who you want to be. For a long time I had no idea, and ended up becoming someone I strongly disliked, which is counterintuitive and mentally draining.

۶ৎ Words

Get yourself a blank piece of paper, and write down as many things as you can that interest you, describe you, or that you love. It doesn't have to be cohesive, follow a theme or anything like that, just words on a page. I'll do an example here:

Boba tea, meditation, blogging, Laufey, Cinnamoroll, studying, wonyoungism, skincare, medical dramas, Murakami, dusty pink, journaling, aquarium, cats, that girl/boy, Turkish delight, vanilla

۶ৎ Mood board / Vision board

As a highly visual person, I make collages from Pinterest all the time, and making one or a couple for yourself, or who you want to be, is a great exercise for identity and manifestation. Ideas for what to put on:

Photos related to your aesthetic

Indoor design that speaks to you

Photos of your hobbies

Items you would love to own, or already do

'Goals': photos of good grades, your desired appearance, money etc.

Fashion styles that you wear, or wish you could

Your future occupation

Photos conveying your mood lately

Media (Games, books, movies, shows) that you really enjoy

Your favourite album

An example:

Feel free to reply to this post with your answers!

𓂃˖ ࣪⊹ Kakao

[gallusrostromegalus]

hi i see that you have much smart dog experience. i may have accidentally purchased such a dog. she's only 10 weeks, and ive had her 1, and she's already outmatched every puzzle feeder i got or have made. to the point that she is morosely disappointed when her food comes in an actual food bowl. do you know where i can find like. "heres 100 enrichment toys you can make out of free trash so your dog stops eating fucking rocks for enrichment" lists. i only have so many paper towel tubes XD

Herschel now just disassembles puzzle feeders, so I've been focusing on "Toys that, even if he already knows how to operate them, will still take TIME for him to collect the treat from" to give him something to fuss with.

Herschel eats all his meals out of a Kong Wobbler, because he will otherwise eat so fast he will literally inhale and choke on his kibble and I do not need him developing pneumonia from aspiration. Even though it's a "Simple" toy it slows him down and he does have to think a bit to tip it in the most efficient manner possible. Kong's "Flipz", "Gyro" and "Rewards Wally" are also really good "dog needs to think/carefully manipulate the toy for food" toys that act as both mental stimulation and exercise and "give human a break for up to twelve minutes" toys.

I highly reccomend KONG as a brand- they're local to Denver and have an impeccable saftey record and all of the toys I have gotten from them have held up extremely well vs. the ravages of three entirely too smart and strong-jawed dogs at once.

Some more thoughts:

If she's not prone to shredding rubber, the kind of treat toys she has to chew are also good stimulation.

If you don't want to give her That Many treats, my vet said that dogs can have as many green beans as they want. Just make sure that the beans haven't had salt added to them- canned usually does, but frozen green beans usually don't, but always check the label.

You can make nearly any toy last longer, or make a cheap long-puzzle by freezing the treats so they take longer to eat AND provides hydration. Herschel's most favorite treat of all time is literally a wad of sliced green beans in a dixie cup, filled with water and frozen. Just peel off the cup and hand him the chunk of ice and he's good for up to half an hour and more chill afterwards.

You can also freeze lick mats

If your girl is like Charlie and doesn't like greenbeans, you can also try freezing paper cups of: Canned pumpkin, apple slices in water, putting some ice cubes in the bottom of the cup, a gob of peanut butter in the middle and then fill it with water to make a peanutbutter filled ice cube.

If your girl is REALLY like charlie who has figured out how to use labor negotiation and strike tactics for better treats: boiled chicken chunks frozen in some of the water you boiled them in.

Walkies are as much mental stimulation as they are physical exercise. Take her out and let her sniff to her heart's content.

Also Puppies in particular need like, SO MUCH exercise.

Let her participate in activities with you. Herschel and charlie sit in the kitchen and I narrate cooking dinner to them, which seems to interest them, even if I don't have spare veggie ends to give them. I also frequently bring them along in the car if I'm running errands when it's cold enough to do that, so they have something new to look at, and get to participate. I also am more likely to stop at a new park and give myself some exercise and mental stimulation.

Training her to do tasks is GREAT Smart Dog enrichment- esp if she's a herding or heeler, they LOVE being helpful. I taught the dogs they get a small treat if they come in from the yard without me having to go chase them down, which saved me a lot of hassle, and now I'm working on teaching herschel to pick things up off the floor for me if I drop them and alert for chickpeas, which my housemate is allergic to.

A lot of dogs like cat-type toys. Tie a stick or some fleece to some paracord and drag or flycast it around for her to chase/play tug with when she catches it. Toys that bounce unexpectedly were also a huge hit. or just wave the string around the cat and the corgi both like that.

If you live in farm country or know other people with pets, you can grab something with the scent of another animal on it and bring it home for her to smell. Charlie and Herschel spent the better part of three days investigating the wad of horse undercoat I brought home and put in the spare wobbler for them to smell.

[ao3topshipsbracket]

honestly I'm kinda disappointed all the popular/well known ships are gone/eliminated

the semis look kinda boring now tbh

(ps: I don't mean to hate on the ships winning. I'm sure they're winning for a reason. it's just they're all kinda unknown/not mainstream)

We're definitely surprised to see some of the highly seeded ships go down early, but personally, I think that makes the remaining matches more exciting, not less! Who doesn't love an upset, after all? But of course, with Bubbline in one half and Destiel in the other, there are definitely some significant heavy hitters still in the running!

That being said, we know we have some underdog semifinalists that people are less familiar with, so here's a brief primer on each of them!

Hualian comes from the Chinese novel Tian Guan Ci Fu, or Heaven Official's Blessing. If you've heard of Wangxian of Mo Dao Zu Shi/The Untamed fame, TGCF comes from the same author. It is a xianxia love story about ghost kings and fallen gods. Here's the plot synopsis from IMDB:

Eight hundred years ago, Xie Lian was the Crown Prince of the Xian Le kingdom. He was loved by his citizens and was considered the darling of the world. He ascended to the Heavens at a young age; however, due to unfortunate circumstances, was quickly banished back to the mortal realm. Years later, he ascends again, only to be banished again a few minutes after his ascension. Now, eight hundred years later, Xie Lian ascends to the Heavens for the third time as the laughing stock among all three realms. On his first task as a god thrice ascended, he meets a mysterious demon who rules the ghosts and terrifies the Heavens, yet, unbeknownst to Xie Lian, this demon king has been paying attention to him for a very, very long time.

At #58 in the Tumblr 2023 top ship list, they're solidly middle of the pack in terms of seeding, but they did take down Buddie at #10, and Davekat of Homestuck infamy: a very impressive showing!

Sulemio hails from the latest installment in the Mobile Suit Gundam anime franchise, The Witch from Mercury; as with all Gundam series, it is a sci-fi military drama featuring giant robots and space warfare. This one happens to also feature heavy inspiration from Revolutionary Girl Utena. Official synopses seem a bit lacking, and I unfortunately don't know enough about the series to summarize it myself, but I'll link this very helpful guide that someone left in our notes!

They're the lowest seeded of our semifinalists, ranking #59 on Tumblr's 2023 top ship list, so the fact that they've taken out the top seed is truly a feat; having a rallying force with @demilypyro has certainly helped their cause (and our very busy activity feed 😅) a great deal!

Regardless of who wins the next rounds, there are very fun underdog journeys present on both sides of the bracket. Plus, it's always good to remember that polls like these are not meant to be indicators of popularity, but of passion.

[hell-of-blazing-fires]

I'm too tired and bad at words to do a super deep dive. But I highly recommend reading that thread as Richard is good at words.

But I have to get this off my chest, so to make my opinion a long story short:

I'm not happy

I don't think any sort of genAI belongs in media regardless of how "clean" or minor it is.

I don't think ZUN is evil or beyond redemption or whatever considering his use doesn't replace any artists, it ultimately is a very minor element of the game where there was never much thought put into and he seemingly used an "ethical" model (which I still think is some bullshit but it would show he does has some consciousness about the use of AI.)

I do think he is pretty fucking stupid for making all this rah rah in 19 about AI and then using it the very next game.

I probably won't buy or play touhou 20 myself unless it's removed, genAI stuff geniunely makes my skin crawl. But I'm not going scorched earth and abandoning the series and I, a rando you don't know, would suggest you don't either.

Because I still love the artistry of the fans and the silly girls, I still love the story and worldbuilding (although I can't say i'm looking to dig into the themes of 20 considering my earlier point about 19.) And I still want to support all the artists who love this series too. So I will continue as I normally do, reblogging art and occasionally making dumb posts, this includes the characters from 20 and beyond.

I keep wondering if I'm overreacting or not. But ultimately I'm just really disappointed. Not because I expect a 50-something year old Japanese man to uphold my morals and worldview, but because I see Touhou as a whole to be a bastion of creativity and artistic freedom. So to see this from the creator, even if it's small and done as ethically as possible, stings me to be honest.

This is something I thought before this ordeal, but feel much stronger about now. For the love of fucking god ZUN, hire some help for these games. Shit, at least get Beatmario or Ki-san to find some non-AI stock images lol.

Oh no i wrote many words when i said i wouldn't waaaaaaahhh

(P.S. If you feel the same way then absolutely voice your displeasure via steam reviews, tweets, etc. But don't be an asshole or ultra aggressive and angry towards ZUN or those who play or make content of 20. That will probably change no minds. Save that energy for the tech companies and the governments that allow them to push genAI unregulated. ZUN at least shows some care and concern with it's use, they don't.)

[v1sexual]

Could I pls have vi x reader who is a huge movie buff?

cinema ; vi (arcane)

request by : anon

note : as a huge movie buff myself, i absolutely love request. basing this request off me and my friend's reaction to 'long legs' by nicholas cage. spoiler : me and my bestie absolutely hated it *sighs*

content warning : swearing , op projecting and bitching about long legs

it's you and vi's monthly cinema date night. ever since you and her officially became girlfriends, going to the cinema monthly easily became a tradition. you've always been a big movie buff, something you got from your dad.

for tonight's movie, you and vi watched the latest showing for nicholas cage's new horror movie, 'longlegs'. it was highly praised online, it was even called "one of the scariest horror films". because of that, you and vi's expectations were through the roof.

"you ready for this shortcake?" vi whispered, her breath tickling your ear. you scoffed playfully and started cracking your fingers as the movie started, "i was born ready."

the movie ended around 10 minutes ago, you and vi sat inside her jeep. she looked at you expectantly, her eyes scanning your face trying to figure out why you've been dead silent. normally, you're already yapping away about the movie.

"sooo..." she started. "what are our thoughts..?" vi knew that she absolutely hated the movie, she just wanted to know your thoughts first. she's not gonna lie to you and tell you that she liked it just because you did though.

you closed your eyes for a second, taking a deep breath as if bracing yourself. "i... it-"

"i fucking hated it," you sighed, "i feel like we wasted money watching that piece of crap. i mean- i absolutely enjoyed the first part of the movie, i loved the foreshadowing, the literal devil in the details, the atmosphere-"

vi chuckled and stared lovingly at you, listening to every word that came out of your mouth. she's always loved how passionate you are when it comes to the things you love. with every hand gesture and facial expression you had, vi's smile grew bigger.

"- we were scammed! robbed! i've never been so disappointed in a horror movie, even fucking megan was better! i just- i don't even know what to say anymore." you let out an exasperated groan, flailing your arms before turning to vi. "what about you baby? what do you think?"

"i hated it too baby," vi said, her lips twitching into a smile. you sighed in relief, "i'm so glad- wait- you're not just saying that because i didn't like the movie right?"

vi snorted, rolling her eyes playfully at you as she started the car. "you know me better than that shortcake," she said. "just because i love you doesn't mean i'll agree to everything you say baby."

you nodded in agreement, "that's great, amazing."

silence filled the car again, your eyes were glued to your phone and vi was focused on the road. a couple of minutes later, she finally pulled in to your shared apartment.

"posted your review already?" vi asked, holding the door open for you. you smiled and nodded, holding your phone out to vi. "just posted on letterboxd, rotten tomatoes, and on my blog."

vi laughed, slinging an arm around you before pressing a kiss to your forehead, "you're such a nerd."

"you love that about me though," you said with an eye roll, your arm wrapping around vi's waist. your girlfriend sighed lovingly, "i love everything about you shortcake."

you giggled, nuzzling against vi, "i love everything about you too."

despite the intense disappointment you had for the movie, you and vi still had a great time which was the most important thing. the rest of the night was spent cuddling with her and binge watching ya'lls favorite show, and the horrible movie was soon forgotten.

note : when i said i projected i meant it *sigh* im sorry if you liked longlegs lol. anyways, hoped u guys enjoyed this one !

[fatcathappycat]

10 Ace Attorney fics that made me >LOL<

(part 1)

Reading AA fanfics on Ao3 has been my 'go to' choice for self-care this past year. The following are works that literally made me either snort, giggle, cackle or laugh out loud. As usual, these are in no particular order, because creating a sense of order in life is an illusion, and fics are to be enjoyed and celebrated, not ranked ;p

1. Vocal Exercises by SapphireWine

Rating: G Words: 4,756 Read time: 20 mins

Phoenix has a secret talent!! I laughed out loud so hard at this story's climax, I think I hurt myself (the best kind of hurt ;) ). And like so many of SapphireWine's fics, the story is so sweet (new love getting to know each other) and crisp (that snappy dialogue!) and savory (mmmmm tasty Narumitsu). I wrote in my bookmark that this fic is a sweet little ol’ onion if onions were like apples maybe, and covered in feelings.

~≧◡≦~

2. Eureka Moment by Kantayra

Rating: T Words: 673 Read time: 5 mins

"Miles discovers that, to his embarrassment, he is just as much of a total dork in bed as he is in everything else." Ahem, ngl, this is now firmly established in my head canon. Kantayra is one of my 'go to' Narumitsu Master authors. They specialize in short, sharp and hilarious ficlets, and I highly recommend all their work. This author will show up again in my fic recs, guaranteed.

~≧◡≦~

3. A Collective Groan by Kantayra

Rating: E Words: 6,321 Read time: 30 min

"Miles prided himself on his self-control, or at least he would if only Phoenix would stop being so incurably Phoenix." OOP! See! I was (w)right, here is another one by Kantayra. In addition to being a Narumitsu Master, they are a freaking Pun Master! OMG the PUNS!!!! And the fact these are Mile’s weakness! I am so dang happy I found this author and this fic in particular. I'm laughing even as I'm typing this, remembering some of them.

~≧◡≦~

4. The Crushing Weight of Inevitability by Kantayra

Rating: E Words: 6,321 Read time: 30 min

And sorry, I can't help but slip in yet another gem by Kantayra! (Honestly, I might have to do a dedicated post on them in the future). "How Edgeworth applies for a job: smugly, confidently, remorselessly, and with plenty of snark." In the form of a heavily cited resume, this is another absolutely fantastic ‘pun fic’ from this fabulous creator.

~≧◡≦~

5. Worse than we could have imagined (2 part series) by hi_its_ellis

Rating: T Words: 5,813 Read time: 25 min

Our favourite idiots being, well, idiots. By yes, another one of the authors I consider a 'Narumitsu Master.' In the author's notes, they say "I intended this to be Really Soft and it turned out Really Stupid" I happen to love soft and stupid so there we go... but it also has heart, so there we go twice.

~≧◡≦~

6. Texts & Turnabouts by YanagiKana

Rating: T Words: 40K? Read time: 3 hours (?)

I love chat fics. They are such a fun character vehicle. This one is missing a few graphics but still really, really enjoyable and I hope this talented author comes back and gives us more. :)

~≧◡≦~

7. It Would Feel So Good To Make You Mine by hi_its_ellis, lowbatteryhealth

Rating: T Words: 54,615 Read time: 4 hours

I am the 590th bookmark for this epic tale from two of the most diabolically minded pair of Narumitsu Masters in the fandom, celebrating the most epic game of Gay Chicken ™️ ❤️🐔💙 Read and enjoy, you won’t be disappointed! I would also file this one under 'required reading for Narumitsu fanon'

~≧◡≦~

8. A Beginner's Guide on How Not to Write Steel Samurai Fanfiction by chameleonwrites

Rating: T Words: 16,058 Read time: 65 mins

"Verity Baytum, a court stenographer, has a secret passion for writing Steel Samurai fanfiction based around the pairing Magisteel. When she finds an unlikely source of inspiration during her job, she can't help but watch court proceedings in search of further lines that fit her fics."

"Yaaay!!!! Sooo much fun, just like the description implies! Very Ao3 and discord community vibes. Verity is a really likeable and charismatic Original Character and I would love to read more about her! - If you are craving more, I suggest a chaser of Kantayra's 'Court(ing) Record' ;)

~≧◡≦~

9. Twelfth night by zombiekittiez for Gheyn

Rating: T Words: 5,156 Read time: 20 mins

“Phoenix hand feeds him a berry, sweet and sun-warmed. Also, slightly crunchy from the sandy soil. Resigned, Miles chews and swallows. Three days in and he is already eating dirt.” Time-loop au comedy hijinks by another one of my 'go to' authors.

~≧◡≦~

10. Certifiably Yours (2 part series) by Gheyn

Rating: T Words: 5,156 Read time: 20 mins

If you like fics that reference the language of flowers, or how meticulous Miles is, this fic is for you. And I'm finishing strong here, folks. This 2-part series is LOL perfect! Tears! TEARS!! In my eyes from laughing so hard. So sweet! So romantic! So silly! So good. Hiiiiighly recommended. ❤️💙

~≧◡≦~

And that's it for another week! I hope you enjoy these as much as I have. For part 2 of this series, see AA LOL Fic Recs Part 2.

Do you have a favourite AA LOL fic? Please share in the comments! And THANK YOU!!!!! to all the incredibly wonderful punny, funny awesome authors cited here. I luuuuurve you!

❤️ ♥‿♥ ❤️

[widow-tarot]

PAC: Why Are They So Hot&Cold?

Do you want to support me? Reblog or tip me! - paypal.me/sadwidow

Groups: 1-2-3 4-5-6

Instruction: Think about your person while choosing a group. Do not use more than 1 group for one person. This is only for entertainment purposes.

If you don’t feel drawn to any group, this reading is not for you.

(Want to book a private reading? DM me or check the pinned post!)

Decks Used: The Mystic Dreamer Tarot, Island Time Wellness Love Oracle Cards.

PILE ONE

Cards: 3 of Cups, Judgement, 9 of Swords, 10 of Cups, Boat (Progression, Moving On, Closure Issues), The Runner rx (fear of intimacy, listening to ego), Not Today rx (not dealing, hurt, avoiding a conversation/person, boundaries).

There are too many people around to see how they behave around you. No matter if you're asking about a crush or a potential friend, they care a lot about what other people think, at least in your immediate surroundings (work/school). They don't want to be judged or they don't want their actions misunderstood by other people, maybe even you too but it connects to other people more. They're happy with how things are or at least they're... at peace with how things are. It's not like the connection between you guys is bad, it's just... like it's being kept at a distance. If you delve deeper, the connection might break and sour the work/school environment so they also are trying to avoid that. However, I do feel like they're working on fixing/changing that part of themselves. Can't promise anything will be different, it really depends on the person you're asking about. They're very much trapped in their own mind and perceptions. Very much blockage in the heart/throat chakra.

SONGS:

Door by Mitski (There is a door to me; I've never seen it; Sometimes I get closer to it; But I've never found it; A hopeless violence; I named it love)

my future by Billie Eilish (Can't you hear me?; I'm not comin' home; Do you understand?; I've changed my plans; But I know better; Than to drive you home; 'Cause you'd invite me in; And I'd be yours again)

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Phoebe Bridgers (Someday soon we all will be together; If the fates allow; Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow)

Unfinished by Noah Cyrus (Now I've got you on my mind; And I'm wonderin' tonight; If we could've been more; But we were left unfinished; I flew back to the life I knew; Left you asleep there in the hotel room; I told myself that it was for the best)

TAKE THIS HOME by DE'WAYNE, Good Charlotte (Take this crown away from me; I hold myself with no esteem; There's no joy in victory; All my heart feels is defeat)

first day of my life by gnash, Goody Grace (And so I thought I'd let you know; That these things take forever; I especially am slow; But I realize that I need you; And I wondered if I could come home)

PILE TWO

Cards: The Tower, The Chariot rx, High Priestess rx, 10 of Pentacles, The Phoenix (new phase, rekindle, growth), Love Call rx (message of love), The Runner rx (fear of intimacy, listening to ego).

At the moment I think they are going through something in their life or some major chaotic change is coming for them, hence The Tower. Honestly seems like they're in their own world, I think the hot and cold is not even on purpose, they don't even see it and if they do, they don't think it's a big deal or that it affects you. You're not at the center of their focus atm and maybe you're also a painful reminder of something as well (very specific for a selected few). They think very highly of you though. If you want them to approach you and explain their behavior, then you're gonna be gravely disappointed. They don't think they're doing something wrong or anything to hurt you so why would they feel the need to explain themselves? But they are changing, that's for sure.

SONGS:

There's Nothing Left For You by Mitski (There's nothin' left for you; Nothin' in this room; Try and go outside Nothin' waits for you; You had it once before; Not anymore; So go on to that sweetheart's door; And find a new you)

LUNCH by Billie Eilish (I could eat that girl for lunch; Yeah, she dances on my tongue; Tastes like she might be the one; And I could never get enough; I could buy her so much stuff; It's a craving, not a crush)

Christmas Song by Phoebe Bridgers (The desire for annihilation; Is as common as it is unkind; And it's hard to recognize the situation; When you're desperately trying to have a good time; You don't have to be alone to be lonesome; It's so easy to forget; The sadness comes crashing like a brick through the window)

Ready To Go by Noah Cyrus (I've lost all the words; Feels like my heart's been tied up; I wait 'til it hurts; I never can choose; I stay, we'll burn; 'Til you leave first)

Bleed Magic by I DONT KNOW BUT THEY FOUND ME (Don't want to scare you off'; Don't want to know your name; You'll never know a single thing about me; Until it's far too late)

SICK by gnash, CXLOE (Why you being so nice to me; I don't like the niceties; I wish I could make you see what I really need; I want you to make me sick; Love me out my mind)

PILE THREE

Cards: Queen of Cups, Wheel of Fortune rx, The World, 9 of Cups, The Grim Reaper (relationship is over, no second chances, grow and transform), Clock rx (need time, takes time, cycles), The Butterfly rx (relationship evolving, growth)

It's weird. It's like they enjoy spending time with you but at the same time, they know they have to cut it to a minimum because you either aren't good for them or they're trying to... leave? It's like smiling at you when you talk, having those fun convos about various topics, and laughing together but then the reality hits them and they withdraw. They think of you fondly though, but it's like they can't let themselves be swept into whatever this is with you so when the moment passes, they distance themselves again. But then, they have a good day again, they're positive again and they're starting the same thing with you. It's like they want to stay but they can't. You either aren't good for them or you can't be one that's good for them (someone else is already good for them). I assume you're asking when this person went cold again - this period will last a longer time for sure, but they have so much fondness for you at the same time.

SONGS:

Class of 2013 by Mitski (Mom, I'm tired; Can I sleep in your house tonight?; Mom, is it alright; If I stay for a year or two?)

Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish (When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever; Wish I could explain it better; I wish it wasn't true; Don't say it isn't fair; You clearly weren't aware that you made me miserable)

Georgia by Phoebe Bridgers (Georgia, I love your son; And when he gets older, he might be the one; And he never lies or picks up his phone; And sometimes in the pouring rain; He'll fall in the mud and get back up again)

Again by Noah Cyrus, XXXTENTACION (You just made the worst mistake; And you'll regret it, darling; 'Cause once you give and then you take; You'll only end up wanting; You don't know what you got 'til it's gone, my dear; So tell me that you love me again)

WHAT LOVE? by I DONT KNOW HOW THEY FOUND ME (What love would get this vicious?; That's right, but never mind; This blood sometimes, holiness brings you; I think you've got a hold of me; But don't let go and I'll never set you free; You only come around when I got somebody new; You only sacrifice the things I never ask you to)

pajamas by gnash (Let's be immature and ignorant; 'Cause I don't feel like being sad; I wonder if the last generation was better; I wonder if the next one's going to hell; Am I the solution, am I the problem?; Let's stay in our pajamas; Let's not leave the house; It's been real bad lately; But I feel pretty good right now)

PILE FOUR

Cards: 4 of Pentacles rx, Knight of Swords, 4 of Cups rx, The Chariot rx, Heartbroken rx (deeply hurt, sad, feeling lost, breakup), Twin Flames (zen, balance, union, complementing each other), Healthy Choices rx (self-love, making good choices, being happier).

They know they're attached to you. It's an unhealthy mechanism they have, or maybe attaching themselves to you doesn't seem healthy. They're trying to distance themselves from you while not completely cutting you off because they can't. It's not that you are the problem here, but in their eyes, this type of dependency will ruin them, so they're trying to control it somehow. They want you in their life; they just need to digest the situation and make a plan. They're pretty stagnant right now, unable to find a way on how to move with this connection or change their codependency. For now, they're improvising.

SONGS:

Old Friend by Mitski (We nearly drowned for such a silly thing; Someone who loves me now better than you; I haven't told anyone, just like we promised; Have you?)

Lo Vas A Olvidar by Billie Eilish, ROSALIA (Tell me if you still miss me; Tell me if you still won't forgive me; Tell me if we still have something in common; Love can't be measured steadily; One day I'm a Goddess and the next day I can break)

Garden Song by Phoebe Bridgers (And when I grow up, I'm gonna look up; From my phone and see my life; I don't know how, but I'm taller; It must be something in the water; Everything's growing in our garden; You don't have to know that it's haunted)

Snow in LA by Noah Cyrus, PJ Harding (It's Christmas in California; Where the redwoods been burning for days; While the gold embers glow; The church bells are ringing on Sunset; But the preachers got nothing to say; If it turns out we all; Just weren't worth dying for)

Leave Me Alone by I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME (You took the money; But the money couldn't buy a friend; Go fly a kite until you're tangled in the hanging tree; Aristocrat, tip your hat and break your mother's heart; And when the sun comes up; You'll find a brand new god)

I Wanna Feel Good by gnash, Chris James (I swear I try, I do the best that I can; To keep together when I know that I can't now; I've had it up to here with self-doubt and these second thoughts; I'm tired of pretending to be someone that I'm not)

O Little Town of Betlehem by Lily Williams (How still we see thee lie; Above thy deep and dreamless sleep; While mortals sleep, the angels keep; Their watch of wondering love)

PILE FIVE

Cards: Wheel of Fortune, Knight of Wands, Ace of Pentacles, 7 of Pentacles rx, Ace of Swords, Lightning (sudden change, surprise, epiphany), Passion (insane chemistry, having fun), Coffin (Endings bring new beginnings, growth, liberation), Ascending rx (transcending obstacles, expansion, new phase).

Short answer: because they're happy. It seems like everything is going alright at the moment, so they don't need you anymore. It's selfish and very opportunistic but at the same time they haven't decided yet what to do with this connection. Do you need this connection? Is it a connection worthy of your attention and effort? It seems like you're the only one keeping it alive. I don't want to say that they're a shallow person but it seems like they're very opportunistic, using good people and then leaving them behind. You had good foundations for this connection to grow but they don't really care about growing something with you.

SONGS:

Thursday Girl by Mitski (Somebody please tell me no; It shows me what I am; I'm not happy or sad, just up or down; And always bad)

my future by Billie Eilish (Can't you hear me?; I'm not comin' home; Do you understand?; But I know better than to drive you home; 'Cause you'd invite me in; And I'd be yours again;  I'm in love with my future; And you don't know her)

Walking On a String by Phoebe Bridgers, Matt Berninger (The things you said are hanging in the middle of my mind tonight; I knew that I was dead before you touched my lonesome skin; You're never running out of ways to warm your way back in)

Oh What a Dream We Had by Michal David, Richard Marx, Billion Streams For Charity, Braison Cyrus, Lauri Ylönen, Marcelito Pomoy, Kimbra, Billy Ray Cyrus, Noah Cyrus (We held each other closer and dreamed the worst was over; a never-ending prayer to let every life be sweet; no heartache anywhere; a time for us to heal)

Mad IQs by I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME (Come inside; Twist the knife; Like it's something to do; Don't you lose all your control; 'Cause you can't get into heaven; If you haven't got a soul; If you're sick or you're obscene; You can bend or you can break; But they'll replace you with machines)

feelings fade by gnash, RKCB (Don't know if I'll be fine without you; I hope I'll be alright without you; Everything's ending eventually; Best friends can become your enemies; Feelings fade when people change; I stayed the same; You played your games)

PILE SIX

Cards: 3 of Pentacles, Wheel of Fortune, King of Cups rx, Ace of Pentacles, The Phoenix (new phase, rekindle, change), Separation rx (sadness, missing you, unsure of future), Wedding Rings rx (union, wedding, eternal love).

You're still an important part of their life, but they want to move on to different stuff. They're not abandoning you, but they need to live their life too; you can't be there with them all the time. I don't know if there's any codependency or if you're really attached to this person, but I'm here to assure you that you're not being abandoned. I also think they start to feel trapped around you, like they're drowning. Give them some space. Let yourself enjoy your own presence or meet other people.

SONGS:

Cop Car by Mitski (We thought we had all night; There was no need to rush; That's when those cops came pulling up; I was too busy watching you going wild child; To be worried about going to jail; And you were so innocent, but you were stealing my heart; I fell in love in the back of a cop car)

when the party's over by Billie Eilish (Don't you know I'm no good for you?; I've learned to lose you, can't afford to; Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'; But nothin' ever stops you leavin')

Killer by Phoebe Bridgers (Sometimes I think I'm a killer; I scared you in your house; I even scared myself by talking; Can the killer in me tame the fire in you?; Oh, is there nothing left to do for us?)

For Once In My Life by Noah Cyrus (I can go where life leads me; Somewhere I know I'll be strong; For once in my life; I won't let sorrow hurt me; This is mine, you can't take it; As long as I know I have love, I can make it)

Need You Here by I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME (There is no other place in this world that I'd rather be; If I can't be at home then I'll send my apologies; Can't you stay right here forever pretty please?; Where do you go when you're not home?)

leave by gnash (It's all my fault if it makes things better; Blame it all on the change in the weather; I'm not saying I know how to save this; I'm just saying we've been here before; I lost my patience, made an ultimatum; Wrote it down and gave it on a piece of paper)

[nabi-unveiled]

I've struggled with what to write about Heesu in Class 2.

Opinions have been polarized, and I know that whatever I write isn't going to resonate with at least half of the people that I follow and respect. It helped that I wasn't going into this blind. I knew it wasn't a typical BL. I had read a LOT of commentary in the past couple of weeks.

Many people who wanted the source material didn't get what they wanted/needed. I can understand that. While I typically like it when adaptations twist and build on source material, I have had the experience where I was incredibly disappointed in an adaptation. I Hear the Sunspot -> I'm talking to you. When you hold something near and dear to your heart, it hurts when you don't recognize it anymore. Especially if the adaptation removed the things that you valued and loved.

But I hadn't read the source material on this one so that wasn't a factor for me. I do plan to read it now that I've watched the show. I will probably keep the two as completely different entities in my brain. Based on people's reactions, that feels like the best move forward.

Many people who DIDN'T read the source material also didn't get what they wanted/needed. They might view it as homophobic or disrespectful of serious issues. Or it may never have connected with them emotionally. But my world is VERY homophobic so this felt very real to me. It connected emotionally and it hit HARD...at least in certain scenes.

My feelings are too raw to really discuss the show analytically. I'll talk pacing, visuals, astronomy metaphors and all that once I finish up my astronomy project for work. I'll try to approach it objectively when I write up the analysis of individual episodes. There is a lot to dive into on that score - some positive, some negative, some neutral.

However, right now, in this moment? I can't even think about how I would "rate" this show. I'm too busy having big feels after the finale. Because while it may not have been a "BL" by many people's standards, it was definitely queer. And that counts for something. I'm no high schooler - I turn forty in a little over a week - but it scraped my open wounds and made them bleed. Honestly, episode 11 of Your Sky did that to me too. I just kept my posts private on that one, because this feels like serving myself up for judgment. I might regret this post.

I tried during my two hour walk last night to figure out what I could say. Every take I tried got personal fast. I can't separate it. And in the end, I've decided to not even try.

So is this post meta analysis? No.

Is this post a critique or analytical evaluation of the show? No.

Is this an endorsement of the show? No.

Heck. Half of this post probably isn't about the show at all.

It feels weird to say since many people around me call me a robot or unfeeling, but this post is pure emotion for me. It's probably oversharing. Just like whether a show is popular or not, I don't have a gauge for that. I'm the person that will spend two weeks talking to almost no one outside of my children/husband, but then spend three hours discussing all things garlic with some random person I never met previously. That's Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo's fault. I don't really have an in between mode. I'm silent, or I don't shut up.

Warning: This got long. No surprise there. Also, in case it is a trigger for you, religion and sexuality are intertwined throughout this post and it touches on themes of coming out.

Anonymous Inbox Warning: If you read this post and come into my inbox to worry about my "mental health" or "recommend therapy" or anything similar, I'm just going to delete it. Therapy is great. I'm aware. I highly recommend and advocate for it. That is not the point here.

But after watching Heesu, here are the things stuck in my brain.

I envied Heesu and Seungwon.

Was it hard for them? Yes. Were they struggling due to things that are unfair and that I wish weren't true of society? Yes. Will they continue to struggle? Unfortunately, yes. But they're figuring themselves out and are coming to terms with their identity in high school. There's something to be said for that.

Thanks to neurodivergence and my conservative, religious upbringing, I didn't figure myself out until I was already married and had my first child. Both in terms of sexuality and my personal religious beliefs, I was in my mid to late 20s before I figured things out.

Because for many, many years I just thought I was evil and morally bankrupt. After all, I really enjoyed Cruel Intentions and I really really thought it would be a whole lot of fun to make out with Watts in the garage (Some Kind of Wonderful). @dribs-and-drabbles I loved that they were one of your ships. But I could never ship it. Keith didn't deserve her. She was mine.

But this was a problem, because I was taught that sex was the root of all evil. Even heterosexual sex. And to have such perverse desires meant something was morally and drastically wrong with you. Stupid purity culture swamp.

I decided that if I tried hard enough and studied enough, that I'd figure out how to fix my broken brain. After all, there were ways to overcome my broken hearing. There were ways to overcome my broken empathy meter. There were ways to overcome my attention issues and the chaos of my brain. Surely, there was a fix for that part of me that really liked thinking about the Olsen twins and Taylor Hanson too.

I'm fine with being called "stubborn", "argumentative", "weird", "scary" and the dozens of other not quite positive adjectives I hear about myself. I mean this with full sincerity -> it doesn't bother me. I get called plenty of positive things too. And one man's "stubborn", is another person's "independent". But I didn't want to be evil. So I tried. I really did.

It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't actually broken or morally bankrupt. It took me a long time to figure out the problem was as @babyangelsky put it that desire was considered a swamp to begin with. I'm still hoping my person accepts that one day too.

So yes, I'm incredibly happy for Heesu and Seungwon that they figured all of that out in high school. I hope this show, BLs in general and changes in society as a whole help teenagers get there much faster than me. I'm sure a smartphone or internet resources like we have today would've helped.

I felt relieved when Heesu figured out that there was someone in his world who wouldn't judge him.

Even as I deconstructed religiously and embraced my sexuality, I never worried about my (younger) brother's reaction. I always knew he'd be in my corner. He was a musical theater major. He's kissed men as part of his shows (our family doesn't know that), and he had already deconstructed (they also don't know that). He figured things out much faster than me. He listens to me talk about BLs and all of my fun dilemmas with them. We have never directly talked about my (or his) sexuality though. Sex is not something easily discussed in our family. Plus, we're still siblings. I really don't want to think of him in that way.

But I know he has my back. And that has meant everything over the years.

However, my brother lives 5 hours away. I get to talk to him only a couple of times a month (if that). He's not the people that surround me on the daily. And the people that surround me? They WILL judge. Strike that. They DO judge - everyone and everything. Openly and loudly. I live in a very close knit, very conservative, very religious family and community. It wasn't my intention to stay, but words left unsaid mean I married someone who talks a lot about traveling and seeing the world but never intended to see it.

And nine days out of ten, that's okay. I love our home that he built with his own hands, our hikes through the woods, our gaming sessions, and our "fun" times too 😉. But that tenth day when I take a break from work, stop doing the laundry or packing the kids' lunchboxes and really think about everything? It's rough.

For a very long time, I kept all of my thoughts on religion and sexuality completely secret while being swallowed alive by my black hole. I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter. But when I found that one person in my daily circle who I realized would accept me? It was a miracle. It changed everything. I eventually found a few. I'm forever grateful for those former coworkers.

It's insane how much lighter it feels when you remove the load by "just one person", and how much strength you gain when you realize that you are not really alone in your thinking. In funny things (to me), they weren't surprised. "I thought that was a given. It's pretty obvious."

Over the years, the Tumblr community has been another light for me. Even when I was lurking. Just knowing that there were people out there who'd have no problem with my kinky thoughts went a very long way. So that scene for Heesu, when he realized Seungwon wouldn't judge him - I felt it in my bones.

The tennis court scene in the finale with Chan Young/Heesu pains me...for both of them.

And I'm still standing on it.

I can't judge this scene objectively within the narrative. It got too personal so most of what I say about this scene will have very little to do with Heesu/Chan Young's actual relationship. Again, this isn't meta. This is emotion.

I had a strong negative reaction to Chan Young in episode 1. This was followed by a humorous bit of time with @lurkingshan when my brother pointed out that he was a lot like my husband all the way down to him being a competitive tennis player in high school. I didn't expect just HOW far that analogy might go though.

Because just like Heesu, I started by coming clean with my Chan Young. Difference being that my Chan Young is my friend, lover, and other half.

So this line...

I've heard it. I took YEARS to come completely clean precisely because I knew it was going to hurt him so very deeply. I tried to soften the blow. I tried to lead up to it in small steps. But it didn't help.

Side note: @my-rose-tinted-glasses By our standards for Min Jun from Business as Usual, this might make me the bad guy. It's probably why I am trying so hard to forgive him. I haven't got there with him yet. Ghosting feels different to me. Min Jun essentially left the court.

This line...

I've heard it too. It was wrapped in language about moral corruption and rebelling against religious rules just because I disagreed with them. But the gist was the same. Choosing myself is being selfish. I've just decided I'm okay with that. That I'm worth being selfish about. If I have to be my own biggest fan, so be it.

But this one...

It's the reason that I can't analyze this scene objectively (yet). Because it's true. I destroyed my husband's whole world and vision of our life together by my confession. In gaming terms, it was a headshot. In the show, Chan Young now has to reframe everything that he thought was a part of their relationship and decide where to go from here. It's not an easy task.

When I liveblogged Let Free the Curse, I said I wasn't going to touch Juyeong's cross necklace and how he removed it to be with Dohoe. That I couldn't deal with it. This is why. As @respectthepetty pointed out in their Let Free the Curse commentary, that cross is heavy for my Juyeong and it's not a fun place for me. I've put the person I love in a place where they have to choose every single day whether to put on that necklace that they VALUE and BELIEVE in or choose to embrace me, the person they love, who is also the sinner on the road to hell. It's tearing them apart and robbing them of their joy. And while I'm no longer being sucked into my personal black hole, I now get a courtside seat to all of their pain. I created a rift in their universe.

So while many people are understandably upset that Heesu is apologizing in this scene.

I didn't see it as apologizing for being queer.

I saw it as apologizing for hurting the person they love and care about. For being a source of pain. And yes, there IS a difference.

Because yes, I struggled with my identity for years. But I'm not sorry that I now understand myself, and I'm not going to trap myself in a glass room. I will not apologize for being myself. However, on that 10th day, when everything gets a bit too real for us both, I get to hear the tears at night from my person. And I am really sorry that I'm the cause of them. I really wish I wasn't.

So I'll forgive him if he hits a tennis ball at me from time to time. I'll dodge most of them. The ones that connect WILL hurt. But he's hurting too, and it's going to take time for him to put that racquet down.

We've been on this court for a very long time as he decides what to do about that cross necklace. But it took me a long time to put us on the court in the first place.

I'm really hoping we get here one day.

For both of our sakes. I really hope we do. But we may not.

For now, I'm just glad that we're both refusing to leave the court on that tenth day. Because the other nine days are still a blast.

I'll try to watch the scene with the actual narrative in mind next time.

It broke my heart when Seungwon's mom asked him what she should do.

It WRECKED me like no other scene if I'm being honest. Even worse than the tennis court scene.

Why? Because I don't want to hurt my kids. I don't want to end up on my bad mothers list. I'm trying to figure it all out, but it's tricky. I had a similar conversation to this one with my two older children just a few weeks ago. Unlike the tennis court, this is relatively new territory for me. They're just now getting old enough to understand. For context, I'm not really "out" by most people's standards within the larger community. I'd like my Chan Young to stop hitting balls at me before I move forward in that regard. I'd really like to have him by my side if I take on our community and the rest of our families. So for now I wait as he ponders what he's supposed to do.

But I haven't kept my thoughts on things or my reality from my kids in the meantime. They know my beliefs and where I stand. They are even aware that I blog and watch BL. They laughed at me quite a bit during the emoji tag game as I tried to figure out the coffin in @dramalove247 's set. They thought it meant vampire by the way.

Six days out of seven, it doesn't really impact them much at all. But on that seventh day, they're getting very mixed messages from the adults in their life. The one that says all the things we grew up with. And the one (me) that constantly says choose kindness, choose people, choose yourself, screw purity, screw normal, screw the rules.

The mixed messages will impact them. It does confuse them. And as much as I'd like to, I can't shelter them from that without lying about who I am and what I believe. But I also can't protect them from all of the ugliness in the world.

So when my braveheart that always speaks his mind asked a few weeks ago if I ever thought about just telling everyone. I responded very similarly to Seungwon's mom here. "I can do that. Do you really want me to? Just think about what would happen." It took him all of about 15 seconds. "It would be bad. Real bad. Yeah, don't do that."

So I'll stay silent and evade...for now. I'll stop when their answer changes or if, like Seungwon, they or another kid in the community needs me to flip the table for them so they can proudly embrace their own identity. Their needs are my priority when it comes to the larger community.

In the meantime, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure they feel loved and supported for who they are. We watched Star Trek during our family movie night the other month, and when we got to this scene...

my oldest laughed. "Mom. That sounds like something you would say."

That feels like a win in my book.

And if Heesu in Class 2 makes even one queer kid have hope that they'll be accepted or gives them the courage to step into the light in a world that's not a BL bubble, then that's a win in my book too.

No matter where I end up rating it once I can approach it more objectively.

[velveetacrackncheese]

I know it's been like forever, but are you still a fan of Viv and her work

Honestly when it comes to her, no. Even if there's some things I've learned to appreciate in some of her more recent stuff (Except Hazbin S1, I thought it was genuinely awful and the more I think about it the more disappointed I truly am with it.) my main gripe is that it seems that Viv still treats people like crap. My opinion of her has continuously waned over the years from someone who was obsessed and having had a parasocial relationship with her and her work, to the point where I felt obligated to defend her for the sake of the "fandom" back then. Pretty wack behavior coming from myself honestly, and like I said I was a prick! I treated naysayers and critics of ZP like garbage, and while there was venom being flung towards me and other fans as well, some of it also being cruel and uncharitable, I can't pretend I didn't contribute to the toxic culture emanating from her fanbase. It's very interesting to see that the more modern incarnation of Viv's fanbase is arguably still just as toxic, but on a bigger scale. People no matter where you go, and regardless of when in time, seems to have a strong opinion of her. Either love her to death or hate her to the point where that becomes its own obsession. Well, unless you've actually had a connection with her, it seems like you're either one of her favorites, or someone who she burnt bridges with.

There's of course the genuine non-drama stuff, like ohhhh fuck dude, she drew some weirdo shit which I could honestly care less about. There's reasons to not like her, and it isn't that. It's not even really her work period, but more so allegations regarding how she's difficult to work with, cruel to certain past associates to an almost comical degree, and is still pretty uncharitable to even her most charitable critics. The stuff with KenDraws kinda was the nail in the coffin for me, transphobia is not going to get a pass from me, sorry! I don't know how true this is in particular, but how The Hunicast was treated after the Hazbin pilot also left me with a pretty real sense of disgust. It's wild seeing a show like Hazbin Hotel flourish through A24 and Amazon, all the while trying its damn hardest to cleanse itself of its indie roots. Apparently donations to the Hunicast was used to fund the pilot, and after the pilot it kinda seemed like Viv just didn't really appreciate how much they contributed to that project. Honestly, I don't think Hazbin would be what it is today without The Hunicast.

That, and of course there being all the dollcreep stuff, the way that the fandom at the time wrongfully demonized dollcreep and took Viv for her word to the T, following what was a highly uncharitable read from fans which led to harassment despite the drama between the two being personal, and that being made into a public concern when it reallllllllllly should not have been. Transphobia also being an abundant issue in this regard. JoJo as a character was created as an extremely petty way to bash Jo and in hindsight, is incredibly revolting, and ohhhhh also transphobic. The Erin Frost situation, in which of course featured Viv devotees to also take her testimony as uncharitable and lies despite having never worked with Viv herself. Employees being paid like... what, $35.00 per second of animation which is crazy. So not only a toxic work environment, that toxicity just festering cuz Viv herself is toxic. Her tendency to seemingly just bully the people she surrounds herself with, hell even getting people blacklisted apparently? I'm sure there's a lot more I can get into in all honesty, and what's being mentioned here is barely scratching the surface! There was a point in time where I had agreements with what were, back then, blogs dedicated to critiquing Zoophobia and in hindsight, yes, there was a lot to rightfully criticize. Lot of stuff in that webcomic was genuinely not great and despite the immature attachments that I had back then, there were points I'd openly conceded to. Which led to Viv blocking me, and that led to me being pretty sad! Honestly thought I'd did something wrong or that I like... "Betrayed" her which is fucking insane. It was something I ruminated on for literal weeks. I look at my older posts on here and it's so fuckin clear that I was not mentally stable, at least to me, and that was reflected in the wild ass shit I was saying. I'm glad I've changed but dear god I was such an asshole, and it's crazy to think that I was some kind of figurehead in the fandom at that time. Nobody should've been looking up to me, cuz holy shit I was a stupid teenager.

Also, generally speaking, this doesn't have much to do with Viv as a person as much as the early fan community surrounding her work that existed from like 2015 into 2018, particularly on tumblr, but I'd developed relationships with other people in the fandom that led to some pretty traumatizing experiences for myself and for others that I knew personally. I won't get into details about that, but the culture for the fandom at the time housed some SERIOUSLY sketchy people, and there were people who were just open and active groomers. Zero accountability for any of that btw, yeah awesome fucking community, guys. "Like and Reblog if you're a true fan." jfc.

So uh, yeah. Naw I can't say I'm much of a fan, and I'm not convinced that she's actually some nice, pleasurable person, who conveniently stumbles into situations where her alleged good nature is CONSTANTLY put into question due to actions that are pretty well documented and accounted for. I've still watched Helluva Boss episodes, although at this point it feels like I'm beating myself because I've progressively grown more disenchanted with it as time has passed on. Despite that, it's still Spindlehorse's best stuff. I say Spindlehorse in particular because while I don't really respect Vivienne, I respect the crew who are the backbone of those episodes. Hazbin has some narrative themes that I'm not particularly fond of, the pacing is a mess, and the character writing is not good. Characters have entire musical numbers dedicated to them despite either serving a very minor role in the story or just being absent for the entirety of the season. I'd go on and list my gripes with ZP, but it feels weird to bash something that is nearly a decade old now. Probably doesn't represent Vivienne's current capacity for craftsmanship, visually speaking, and in regards to the writing; Were I to go back and review what those old critique blogs had to say, I'd probably add onto them instead of being as dismissive as I was.

Also, something I can attest to personally, and you'll have to take me for my word on this, but I used to be a $50 patron to her Patreon. One of the benefits was that you got to be a part of her discord server where she'd chat with fans once a month and I got to be in a few of those vc chats. I recall her being petty even then, and if my memory doesn't fail me, there was a time where she like... called someone's older brother a f*ggot because he insulted Kesha and her general preferences in music lmfao. She genuinely got upset and all teary over that confrontation and ended the call early, and the other people in the vc were tryna comfort her. Looking back that now, feels so.... weird. Shit, I mean charging people so they have the chance to just talk to you, monetizing that feels weird, and kinda gross. Wish I could have my money back for that, ngl. No Bueno.

[digitaldiary]

february 9th, 2025

i have a pounding headache as i write this, most likely brought on by the adderall i took this morning. usually adderall = productive day for me, but somehow i got carried away and then next thing you know, i'm looking up from my phone and laptop and realizing i've been doing nothing for the past 4 hours. i went to a friend's place for a super bowl party but by then the headache had started and i was already sort of sad. i just decided it'd be best for me to go home.

new york winters bring a mix of emotions for me. i love when the snow falls, but hate the next day when it's slushy and slippery and my shoes and socks get soaked no matter how hard i try to avoid puddles. the cold is depressing and brutal, but a welcome, tangible indicator of change and the passage of time. two years ago i got my heart broken during a new york summer and since then, i find relief and comfort in the other three seasons. by the time summer rolls around again, i am reminded of two years ago, and then a whole different mix of emotions comes.

i moved to new york city five years ago as a wide-eyed, determined, naive, highly-motivated 20-year-old girl with dreams of working in fashion. i was born and raised in a suburb in northern california, largely quite sheltered and without any real-world experience. i still cannot drive. back when i first came here, i was very excited about life and my future, albeit very very very anxious and clueless. i had good intentions in everything i did, and still now, if one thing about me persists, it is that.

today i am 25 years old, working a 9-5 fashion job. unfortunately and disappointingly, i am much less concerned with my career as i used to be as it's taken a backseat to my never-ending struggles with mental health. most big dreams i had have been extinguished by reality and the ups and downs of life. i think also, maybe as i've gotten older, i've found that simple pleasures are enough to keep me content. maybe that is cope, i am not sure, i go back and forth on whether i am lying to myself because i've half-bakedly accomplished some of my dreams and realized that some may never come true. but that's another internal dispute amongst the thousands i must filter through every day of my existence.

when i got my heart broken two years ago, it was like a big bang of sorts for me - the breaking acted as a catalyst for lots of internal change, tough conversations with myself, and self-discovery. somehow i pushed through the excruciating emotional and existential pain and in the time after, i was able to build myself up from scratch. in that painstaking building of self, i became confident and assured of my identity, my core, my values, who i was and who i am. i had spent so much of my life trying to transform myself into what i thought others wanted me to be, so to get to a place where i was myself and no one else and i was happy to be myself... it was very unfamiliar and unprecedented for me but also very exciting.

but that newness has faded as life has continued onwards. there's a quote from the bible that says "as a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly". romance has always been THE dictator of my life, cruelly deciding my mood, my purpose, my worth, etc. in short - i have reattempted to find love over the past two years only to be left disappointed time and time again. each failed relationship has left a chip on my shoulder, and all the cracks in my form have caused me to break once again. my niche micro-celebrity crush recently tweeted "everything falls apart all the time" (and he plays a larger role in my recent "breaking" that maybe i will one day have the courage or lack of care to share). but he was right. everything has fallen apart for me. i'm holding on to three pieces - my family, my friends, and my work. i can't even remember what my original shape was. i'm just gripping these shards as hard as i can and they're slitting my skin but i won't let go. they're all that i have.

i don't mean to sound so doomer, this is more of a stream of consciousness that i'm sharing as a life update of sorts... don't worry about me too much, i'm quite used to this feeling by now!

[deathbysports]

Actually, it's okay to admit your favorite player sucks.

(PT: Actually, it's okay to admit your favorite player sucks. End PT) Trigger Warning: References to sexual assault, violence, alcohol use and bigotry. And no. I'm not talking about point production (though it's okay to admit that they're not having a good year either) Last year I made a post talking about problematic players and what to do if it turns out a player we like sucks. Consider this to be a part two to that post because I feel like it's something to talk about again, especially with the amount of hockey players outing themselves as MAGA for the past months, as well as the upcoming Hockey Canada trial and, more recently, Artemi Panarin's sexual assault allegation. This time, I want to talk about the people who continue to defend them for some reason. And why you really need to cut it out with the "oh x player would NEVER do that!" bullshit.

Hockey is an enjoyable sport. It's fun, full of excitement and brings us joy. But I'm going to be honest, the culture around it fucking sucks. And with terrible culture, comes players who do bad shit. In particular, a lot of hockey players (and athletes in general, but the focus here is hockey players) are pretty fucking conservative, and hockey as a whole is a conservative sport. Let's take T.J Oshie as an example. A silly guy. A fun hockey player to watch. Both his personality and on-ice skills made me... rather fond of him. And then he made that pro-Trump post. Needless to say, I was... not thrilled. I was disappointed, disgusted, and unfortunately not surprised. Still, it hurt. Do I hate him? No, not really. I can't entirely bring myself to do that. But the whole thing definitely destroyed any desire I had of buying his jersey. Oshie's not the only one. Way too many players have outed themselves as MAGA as of late, with Ryker Evans being the most recent. Now I'm not going to deny that hockey is a conservative sport. It always has been a conservative white sport, full of rich, mostly white men. Still, it's pretty damn depressing when a player you've admired for so long is supporting a fascist. From Matthew Tkachuk to the Great One himself, Wayne Gretzky. And it's not just American politics either. Alex Ovechkin, a superstar that many people enjoy watching (myself included), and the man chasing Gretzky's goal ironically enough, is a well-known Putin supporter. And it goes beyond political views. Multiple players in the NHL have also been alleged or charged with *literal* crimes. And many of them are still playing in the NHL. Of course, it wouldn't be a 'problematic hockey players' post if we didn't bring up Patrick Kane. Ah Kaner... where do I begin with him? I'll admit, Patrick Kane's a player I do genuinely enjoy watching even as a Blues fan. Even though Chicago wasn't my favorite team. The moment I saw him play during the 2020 All-Stars I grew rather fond of him. That fondness didn't last, as a year later the Kyle Beach stuff came out. Rumors that he likely knew about it all and did nothing. Some believe he was partaking in the bullying that Beach endured. We may never know; I highly doubt we'll ever get full closure on it. But one thing is for sure: his response to the investigation findings was very, very fucking disappointing. Then I learned of his other controversies. Not just the 2015 sexual assault allegations. I'm talking about the cab driver incident. His drunken bender in Madison. His immaturity during his early years. The fucking blackface. I stopped engaging with content involving him after that for a while. I was disgusted. I was angry. I did eventually start looking at Kane content again, but even now there's a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I will give credit where credit is due: Kane's actually made an effort to improve his image. He's stopped drinking, spoke out during the 2020 BLM movement, and showed remorse for his poor response to the Beach situation. But that doesn't absolve him of everything. He's never addressed the blackface as far as I know. He still punched a cab driver and got arrested for that. And he still has that sexual assault allegation from 2015. While I know he was never charged for it, that shit's not something that goes away easily, even with attempts to improve as a person. He's most likely going to have to live with that for the rest of his career, maybe even his life. So yeah, as much as I love watching guys like Kaner and Oshie and Ovi... I'm sorry but I also have to admit it; they kinda fucking suck as humans lmfao. Which brings me to something I've noticed; a lot of peeps aren't so willing to admit that about their own favorites, as well as a bunch of people who can't seem to handle criticism of said favorites. Here's an ask I got a while back when I posted about Kaner's alcoholism and how fans shouldn't be glorifying it (And that post wasn't even an anti-kane post!)

And honestly, this one's probably more tame compared to the other things I've seen people say. This is the thing that frustrates me the most. And listen, I do get it. It's hard to believe that a guy you idolized is a piece of shit. Sometimes it's easier to force yourself to deny it. But here's the catch; it's not an excuse to lash out at others who have very valid criticism and harsh thoughts about these guys. It's not okay to bash others who have negative opinions about your favs. None of that is okay. And it is especially not fucking okay to defend or justify or downplay these guys' actions. It's easy to say "oh this player could never!" or "my player would never do this!". Which... WRONG. You don't know these people. You don't know if they 'would never'. Sadly, because hockey culture fucking sucks, they probably fucking would do that. They probably would say that slur. They probably would commit that crime. But then again, I don't know that either. Again, I'm a stranger on the internet talking. And regardless if they have or haven't been in a scandal, the harsh truth is, these guys aren't some innocent babies that can do no wrong and just don't know better. These aren't your friends or family. These are grown fucking adults that know exactly what they're fucking doing most of the time. These people don't know you. They don't need you whiteknighting them. It's time to stop treating these guys like innocent children because they aren't. And you're allowed to have your own limits (and those limits are different for everyone). You don't have to hate them or put up some disclaimer saying "HEY THIS GUY SUCKS". I can't convince you to do that. All I ask is that you quit fucking dickriding these guys and treating them like good people because you don't fucking know that! Like, it's okay to enjoy these guys' hockey while acknowledging that they did shitty things! That doesn't make you less of a fan! Criticism isn't the same thing as hatred, and that's something some of you need to realize. Criticizing your favorites is a GOOD THING. And likewise, people are allowed to have opinions. People are allowed to be uncomfortable with the players and teams you like. If you can't handle that, consider using the block button instead of going to their ask box and screaming about how you think their opinion is "wrong" or some shit.

The world's not going to end because someone doesn't like your problematic fav. I promise.

[shadowwolfmemes]

You lied to me, @rainbow-starheart

Why...?

Why the fuck would you lie to us, Rainbow? What did you hope to gain out of lying about your age and contradicting yourself?

I understand you were under a whole lot of stress because of the current situation with the proshippers, but to lie about being an adult just to "fit in" is a huge red flag! You understand that, right?

Now I'm not agreeing that you're a groomer, I obviously don't believe that.

However, you lied about not having minors in your community when you damn well there were, you kicked them out when called out for it. I realized now how big a red flag that is. When that was happening, I didn't say anything about minors in your community in order to protect YOU. I didn't have to, but I did because you were my friend and I deeply trusted you.

All this time, I acted as your loyal guard dog who would protect you at all costs and this was the outcome. I could not fathom how highly disappointed, heart-broken and mad I was when I first heard this news.

I understand the fear of rejection because I experienced it myself and still do, but I have to ask-

Fit in with who, exactly...?

Rainbow, you realize that can be up to interpretation and can set off potential red flags? At this point, being scared of not belonging is an invalid excuse.

If you were to be honest from the very start, I wouldn't have a reason to be upset at you.

If I hadn't met you and maintained a friendship with someone like you, I would still be immature as hell online. I wouldn't be this mature if it weren't for you and seeing this shatters the relationship I had with you, Rainbow.

No proshipper has done that, even if they tried hard enough. It only took you to destroy all we've built together. I've been following you with faith and grace, ignoring all the problematic feats that came with it because I was blinded by loyalty. Like a gullible dog...

I've given you advice about how you don't always need to step in and I comforted you when you felt like you failed all your friends. I was one of the people you could turn to and you were one of the people I could turn to as well.

This "gullible" dog has put a lot of faith in you and this is how you use it. I will not allow myself to be taken advantage any further, Rainbow.

Of course, I want you to grow as a person, but I think it's time we went our separate paths...

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

You know? I really, really love your blog and your posts! I can't say that I'm in love with the show anymore, and if I'm honest with myself, I think that I'm on the salt side of the fandom. But like, I also enjoy a bit of sugar? It reminds me of what could have been.

But, sometimes, I feel that sugar fans are hard on salters/disappointed fans... Like, I'm afraid of asking their opinion about a negative aspect of the show, just to understand their pov, no matter if I try my best to be polite. And I get it, they have a right to enjoy the show and I am not entitled to get an answer from them, but its a side of the fandom that I'm afraid to interact with even if I enjoy some of their fanworks.

Yet, you are so patient and I feel that you understand (or try your best) both sides + the writers' and try to find a middle ground while affirming your perspective. You are so respectful even though you might not agree with some askers.

So, thank you for being you and making this blog! The world needs more people like you <3

Thank you so much for the kind words! I'm glad that I come across as respectful. I certainly try to!

I started this blog because I needed to vent about some things. Writing stuff down is a really good way to get your mind to stop pestering you against your will and I highly recommend it, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that on a blog more openly tied to my fan creations because there really is this vibe that you need to either love the show or get out. No middle grounds allowed. As if the show has to be perfect for you to be allowed to engage with it. That's not a healthy mindset for anyone to get into especially if you want diverse and interesting fan creations in your fandom. The more people feel like they have to fit a certain mold to be welcome, the less creations you get.

It's one thing to request that your personal blog be sugar only or to not want to engage with more critical posts, but to act as if people aren't welcome in any part of the fandom unless they only talk about good things is not how you get a fun and active fandom. It seems like people are legitimately scared of saying anything bad about Miraculous, but canon has a lot of things that aren't great so the sugar fandom is dying off because the only options are to shut up and be welcome or talk about what's bothering you and be kicked out. A single salty post can get you thrown out no matter if you're usually pretty positive or neutral about canon. It's weirdly culty and not my cup of tea. I like talking about media and you generally can't do that if you're only allowed to say positive things.

A while back, I joined a fandom event to meet other fans and one of the rules of the event discord was "no salt" and so people just... didn't talk about anything to do with the show. The only activity the server saw was the question of the day and occasional writing question even though episodes were actively airing at the time. It was a really depressing experience that perfectly showcased why "no salt" is an okay rule for a personal blog, but a terrible rule for any sort of group setting. It just kills people's ability to talk if they're constantly policing what they say.

My rule of thumb for this kind of thing is that people are ALWAYS allowed to disengage from a conversation that's upsetting them and that you should respect people's boundaries for their personal spaces like blogs, but that you do need to grow a backbone if you want to be in bigger fandom spaces. You're going to see shit you vehemently disagree with, but in most cases, the way to deal with that is to go do something else and let the people have their fun. If a post of yours starts getting a bunch of upsetting replies, turn off the notifications. Block the blogs. Curate your corner of fandom, don't curate fandom as a whole otherwise you get something like Miraculous. I've never seen a fandom so afraid of critical thought as Miraculous seems to be. I don't know if it's because it's younger or actively airing or what, but it's weird. It's totally cool if someone just wants to turn off their brain and have fun with it, but it's not cool to get mad that other people want to talk about the very real problems with the writing and the messaging.

[kenacoki]

Organized Prompt List

Funny

"Oh my god, i feel like shit." "Gee, I wonder why?

"I have the attention span of a goldfish on speed, and I'm okay with that."

"So, I have a surprise for you..." "Why'd that box just move?"

"If you're feeling down, I highly recommend binge-watching old episodes of 'Friends' and pretending everything's fine."

"It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits." "What the fu-"

"I don't know which is worse: the taste of this coffee or your sense of humor."

"Please tell me you have a spare key..." "...That was the spare key."

"It's three in the morning." "Yeah, and...?"

"Well, that was a terrible idea..." "It was your idea!"

"We've nearly died enough today so please get down before you bust your head open."

"You were so high you had a staring contest with a photograph of my dead grandma."

"I can hear you sighing in disappointment ya' know...you're not exactly subtle."

"If you die, just know I'm bringing you back just so I can put you back in the ground myself!"

“Uhhh…how many of those have you ate?” “I don’t know, like five?”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day.” “It’s 9:05 am.”

“I’ve been thinking…” “Well don’t hurt yourself.”

“I need some advice.” “You came to me for advice?”

“Did you go to the doctor?” “No, I slept for nine hours.”

“I think I need therapy.” “I think you need a reality check.”

“Do you remember that time we—” “Don’t…finish that thought.”

Fluff

"Did-Did you just kiss me on the forehead?" "I'm so so sorry, I've been babysitting all week, when I heard you say 'ow', i just acted without thinking."

"Please stop looking at me like that." "Like what?" "All...ya know, soft n' stuff...it’s freaking me out."

“You know, I can tell when you’re mad cause your cheeks turn this cute shade of red.”

“Have I ever told you how cute you are when you pout?”

“Will you just…just hold me?”

“Just pretend to be my date!” “Excuse me?”

“You know how proud you make me, right?”

“Can I…can I hold your hand?”

“Tell me, have you ever seen something more beautiful than this?” “Yeah, you.”

“Hey, I’m always gonna be here for you.”

“Oh my god…you’re jealous!” “I am not!”

“Are you blushing?”

“I love you.” “I know.”

“Would you stay with me…please?”

“I really, really want to kiss you.” “Then do it.”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“I mean, yeah I’d make out with them but like—platonically, you know?” “…You-you can’t make out with someone platonically.” “Sure you can! We’ve done it like…I don’t how many times now.”

“Mmm…you’re so warm.”

“So, uh…how’d your date go?”

“Have you ever thought about…us. Y’know, as an item?”

Angst/Hurt

“You told me that I didn’t have to worry about them.”

“Will you just listen to me for a second?” “What do you think you could say that could possibly make this better?!”

“How am I supposed to trust you after that?!”

“Just-just tell me how I can fix this.” “You can’t.”

“Did…did I mean anything to you?”

“I’m sorry—” “Don’t-don’t apologize if you’re just going to keep doing this shit. Apologize when you’re actually going to change.”

“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.”

“You’re here.” “I’m here…just like I promised.”

“You didn’t call. You didn’t text. Nothing.”

“I…I never got the chance to tell you that I love you.” “Maybe that was for the best.”

“Every time I wake up, the first thing I do is look for you…but you’re never there.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” “It’s not your job to worry about me.”

“There’s a part of me that still loves you…and I absolutely hate myself for it.”

“You’re in denial—” “I am not in denial!”

“You can’t just keep ignoring your feeling like this.”

“So what, that’s it?” “Yeah…yeah I guess it is.”

“No! You can’t give up like this!”

“It’s…you’re too late.”

“Maybe we should just…stop.”

“I need you to wake up now…cause I can’t do this without you.”

Smut

“You’ve got quite the mouth on you, ya know? Someone should teach you what to do with it.”

“You don’t have to do that.” “I want to.”

“C’mon, let’s get you into the bathtub.”

“Who do you want?” “You.”

“Why are you in my bed—wait! Are you naked?!”

“Can I at least take my shoes off before you jump me?” “…I guess.”

“I’ll kiss you if that’s what it takes to shut you up.”

“I swear to god, if I’m late because you can’t keep it in your pants.” “I can’t help it when you look so good.”

“Look at how needy you are, even after everything we’ve done.”

“We…we shouldn’t do this. It’s a bad idea…right?” “Yeah…yeah, definitely a bad idea.”

“I’m about two seconds away from bending you over this counter, don’t push your luck.”

“Bite me.” “I mean, if you’re offering.”

“I told you that I’d take care of you, did you think that I wouldn’t follow through on that?”

“Oh, fuck me.” “That’s the plan!”

“So good for me, just look at how much you came.”

“Oh my god!” “You’d better be quiet if you don’t want everyone to know how much of a slut you are.”

“It’s not my fault you keep turning me on!”

“Are you serious?” “Does it look like I’m joking?”

“This stays between us.”

“There’s people here!” “I know.”

//Dividers// sister-lucifer

[lyricalsakura]

Sometimes I don't watch a series on air. Just because I can control myself. And then many many months later, I suddenly get an itch to watch it, then I binge. And while I'm late to the party with others to gush about it, I enjoy it as a discovery of a hidden gem.

Currently, I'm watching The Trainee. OffGun will always be one of my fav pair. However, I was highly disappointed with Cooking Crush. It's not a bad show. It's just that Not Me was too good.

But The Trainee, guys, what a show! Well, if you're here for BL, that is a very very slow process but the acting is top notch, so so good I can't but feel awed. Gun Atthaphan what an artist you are.