#i'm all kinds of queer i am not one to judge someone

[your-greatest-queen]

My mother yelling at me that "your friends are they slash them, and yet you're pretty judgemental of mine!" simply because I, a grown adult, said I didn't want to refer to her friend, who I have met twice, as my uncle. Not judging him, ma. Just setting boundaries. But ok

[chaotic-history]

i am. thinking about the barbie movie

[vidavalor]

The pub scene is even funnier when you consider that poor Mr. Brown of Brown's World of Carpets has likely had this longtime pash on Aziraphale and, like everyone on Whickber Street, he has no idea who exactly The Ginger Goth With The Old Car is. He knows the prevailing theory is mafia but Mr. Brown of Brown's World of Carpets has seen Ginger Goth hanging around Mrs. Sandwich and her "Sandwich Shop" and also around the bookshop a bit and also some naked guy was also at the bookshop recently, so... what's the likeliest conclusion drawn by Mr. Brown of Brown's World of Carpets? That the old bookseller's lonely and paying for it.

He sees them come into the pub and thinks Aziraphale is classy like that and is taking the sex worker for a drink first or maybe that's part of it-- he's gone the whole 'boyfriend experience' route. Mr. Brown of Brown's World of Carpets sees Aziraphale with that chest stroke of that Thin Dark Duke he's paying and while Mr. Brown (of Brown's World of Carpets, just FYI) isn't here to judge and gets it as he's lonely, too... and while he does think the bookseller picks some hot ones... he wants to give Mr. Fell the real thing. The kind of love you can only get between two middle-aged, still-sorta-closeted queers like they are. He'll be someone the bookseller can talk to and find some genuine chemistry with, Mr. Brown of Brown's World of Carpets will be, so he decides to shoot his shot and knows the bookseller is skittish from their past interactions, so he goes for the meeting option. He'll have to come over to drop off the chairs, of course. Give them an excuse to talk more, alone, when Mr. Fell is not, erm, entertaining.

And poor Mr. Brown--President of the Whickber Street Shopkeepers and Traders Association, Mr. Brown of Brown's World of Carpets is-- fine, upstanding, boring as all holy fuck fella... He's met by Crowley coming over with drinks and a greeting that says this is neither the first time, nor, he doubts, will it be the last that he's had to Husband the bookseller but again, Mr. Brown of Oh, You Know By Now thinks this is a bit, so he's not intimidated.

"I was just absolutely hitting on him for real, unlike you," is what he basically told Crowley when explaining what they were chatting about.

And Crowley's like lol you got him flustered enough to host this meeting. Good on you, Mr. Whoever the Fuck You Are from Whatever Shop You Run. Look at you *go*. 😍 I've got a new favorite human, Aziraphale.

He's all "you astonish me" to Aziraphale, teasing him like you're leading the poor, balding bastard on, angel. I know it's hard for you to reign in your divine sex appeal but you should maybe try. His heart is only human, after all.

Mr. Brown still thinks Crowley's a sex worker though so he doesn't give up and is all like remember, Mr. Fell, our date is right after work on Thursday in a group setting to set you at ease but I'll see you first to set it all up because I want you and I want to make sure you know I'm not just here for the business meeting.

Crowley: That's it-- I'm adopting you, Ballsy Mr. Carpet. I like your style. But you'll never wear my angel down. We've been married for 6,000 years. I am definitely up for saving you from some demons on Thursday though and making it rain on you and literally any fruity, single shop owner in the greater metro area next season. You're on the deck after my shop lesbians. Now piss off, Mr. Barnes. We haven't been to the pub in ages and you're in my seat.

[velvetvexations]

RE: Binary Privilege, I really think youtuber VerilyBitchie said it best in her video on monosexism that privilege can be broken down into two parts; unjust enrichment and spared injustice. The example she uses is a bisexual man from a country where being queer is a crime being denied asylum because a judge does not view him as queer enough to actually be in danger(or even queer at all), while a gay man would be approved by that same judge because they think he's more at risk. The gay man is not being unjustly enriched, he needs asylum! But, he is being spared an injustice, namely his sexuality is seen as more real than the bi man's so he gets to escape while the bi man has to go back to his country and risk imprisonment and death. (This is also why I think it's important to keep in mind that being granted privilege does not necessarily mean a person is an oppressor or capable of leveraging their privilege to oppress. The gay man is not oppressing the bi man in this situation, he is just being given grace the bi man is not granted.)

So while I do think that binary trans people may be spared some injustices that nonbinary people have to deal with, I don't think any of that translates to like, unjust enrichment or the ability to oppress nonbinary people on a systemic level. And even then it does depend entirely on the situation and the people involved. I would be considered nonbinary by cishet people, but I use she/they pronouns, so I am spared the injustice someone who uses say, it/its or a neo-pronoun would face because mine are easier for cishet people to adjust to(even though a lot of cishet people default to her and ignore the fact that I'm trans, they are still using the correct pronouns). I am spared the injustice of having people treat me like a freak for my pronouns and default to the wrong ones because mine are seen as normal and easy to ignore, but I am not gaining any unjust enrichment, and certainly am not being granted the kind of privilege that would allow me to systemically oppress another nonbinary person.

I also think maybe it's important to keep in mind that someone can be bigoted without being an oppressor. Like I do not think that monosexual queer people are my systemic oppressors as a bisexual, BUT I can face bigotry and lateral aggression in the form of monosexism from biphobic monosexual queers. Like they can absolutely uphold my systemic oppression and weaponize parts of it against me, but they are NOT the ones who built or are driving the monosexism machine. That's cishet society. I think that's the what we see with like, transmedicalism and exorsexism from other trans people. They still aren't our oppressors, they aren't granted unjust enrichment or power, but they can still be exorsexist and transphobic and weaponize both against nonbinary people in horrifying ways, and they are also granted some slight privilege that we are not in the form of spared injustice.

I think conversations around privilege and oppression and bigotry are really complicated, and it's just important to keep in mind that having privilege you don't does not always mean someone is your oppressor, and also that someone can be bigoted and oppressive towards you without actually being your systemic oppressor class, you know? Or that's at least how I think about it, and it seems to help break down the conversation in a way that avoids too much finger pointing or semantic circular arguments over terminology that get us nowhere.

I like the scientific breakdown of "privilege," that's a very cool way of putting it.

[sailf1sh]

I am bored, so I'm posting my Zosan queer headcannons. Queer beam go 🏳️‍🌈✨✨

Zoro Gay/Asexual (He/him)

- Zoro likes what Zoro likes. There's never really been a time in his life where he's questioned his sexuality. He knows he likes men, and he knows he values a partner that's strong and capable. It's as simple as that to him.

- When he gets older and people start asking him about these things, does he finally learn there are labels for them. And again, he doesn't see it as any big thing to be worried about. He's focused on his dream, and relationships can come later.

- When he begins to like Sanji, he hesitates to do anything. He sees Sanji swoon over girls and simply makes the assumption that there would be nothing there. So he holds his tongue and moves on. Or at least tries to.

- There are times when he finds another person he likes, such as Luffy or even Ace. Ace leaves before anything could spark, and Luffy is very obviously not interested in anything romantic of the sort.

- He finds common ground with Nami, since she's in a similar boat to him. She will tell him how she misses Vivi and he will tell her about a stubborn cook. He finally finds a person to properly talk about sexuality with, something he didn't even realize was pretty nice to have.

- Eventually he settles on saying that he's gay and asexual. He doesn't exactly care about labels, nor does he know if these are the ones that perfectly fit him, but he decides that's the answer he'll give if someone asks.

- He knows he likes men, and he knows that he's not really interested in sexual activities. Not that he's revolted by them or won't participate in them at all, it's just not something he thinks about.

Sanji Bisexual/Gender Queer (He/She)

- Sanji is a mess of repression and internalized homophobia. He would never be homophobic to other queer people, but himself? There was no way he would ever be queer.

- He swoons for women and dotes on them, pushing any feelings for men so far down that he doesn't even recognize he even has them. When he meets Ace, that quickly changes.

- For the first time in his life, he properly questions his own attraction. He experiments. Only a touch though, because that voice in the back of his head that sounds suspiciously like Judge berates him for it.

- So he continues to hide any of those feelings away for a very long time. It's only when he's sent to the Kamabakka kingdom and meets Ivankov that he can really learn to express himself. It takes a lot of running, fighting, and yelling for him to realize that maybe he likes men and maybe that's okay.

- He leaves Kamabakka with the knowledge that he's bisexual. He learned plenty of things about the different labels and identities and everything under the sun--he's bisexual. Nothing else to it.

- Of course, when he sees that stupid swordsman again, he maybe realizes he's harboring some kind of attraction for the man. Fine, he can be bisexual, but liking Zoro? That boar of a man? Absolutely not.

- But after everything that happened on Whole Cake Island and Wano, he realizes that maybe he doesn't want to hide his feelings anymore. He needs to apologize first, though.

Zosan

- After Wano, Zoro and Sanji finally sit down and talk. It's tense and awkward, because neither really knows what to do when it comes to liking the other.

- Zoro tells Sanji that he was hurt when he left for Whole Cake, not because of any sort of jealousy but because Sanji wouldn't ask for help. He tells him that he admires his strength and stubbornness, and that arguments maybe became something he enjoyed.

- Sanji tells Zoro how much he struggles to believe that he's loved. He explains that he's trying to be better and ask for help, but it's hard. He tells him that he wants to do better and try to let himself be cared for. He also may or may not say he likes the way Zoro's muscles look and how his chest looks very heavy maybe he should hold it--

- They decide to try whatever it is the two of them are. Sanji still swoons for women of course, that's just how he is, but Zoro doesn't mind. He knows at the end of the day Sanji wouldn't actually pursue anyone else. Sanji dotes on Zoro a bit more, always enjoying being able to take care of someone, and who is he to deny the opportunity to wash the swordsman's back after he trains?

- They never really hide their relationship, but it still takes a while for the crew to realize. It takes Ussop stumbling upon them kissing in the galley for the rug to really get pulled. Fanky insists on giving them a proper room, and he cleans up the first mate's quarters just for the two of them (which also gives him the idea to maybe ask Robin about doing something similar with the Captain's quarters, it's not like Luffy used it, after all).

- They were partners, on the battlefield and off. They bickered and they fought, but they also went to each other after a fight to make sure the other was okay. They would do the dishes together and sleep in the same bed. Sanji had a spot in the crows nest just for him: an open window with an ashtray for him to sit and smoke with his recipe book. Zoro had a place in the galley: a corner of the couch with the supplies to clean his swords beside it.

- Over time Sanji was able to talk about his childhood more, and more than once Zoro offered to go and remove a few Vinsmoke heads.

- It takes a long time, well into Zoro and Sanji's middle years, for Sanji to actually accept that maybe his gender isn't as solid as he thought. It takes a while, but again, he manages to accept this part of himself too. Sometimes he likes to wear dresses and feminine things, and that's fine. Sometimes he likes to be called girlfriend or lady or miss, and that's okay too. Zoro loves him no matter what.

- Long after the Once Piece is found, Zoro becomes the world's greatest swordsman, and Sanji finds the All Blue, the two have a wedding. It's a simple affair, and Sanji wouldn't have wanted it any other way. They invite their friends and family; Zeff, the Straw Hats, Mihawk and Perona (though Zoro still grumbles about them not actually being his family), even Law comes--mostly at Luffy's insistence. Reiju stops by for a few moments to congratulate them, but she doesn't stay long. Luffy is the one to actually wed them, this being one of the rare times that he gets serious about something.

- Afterwards there's a feast, one Sanji prepared of course. Zeff and Sanji bicker about recipes, but Zeff has tears in his eyes as he walks his child down the aisle.

- The rings--or rather the earrings--are one of Zoro's golden earrings and a blue pearl from the All Blue. They love each other deeply, and step into the future together.

[d0gbite]

how do you have the courage to be yourself? how do you not fear of their looks or their words? I just... I'm sorry if this is hard to answer.

don’t be sorry. honestly, it took me a long time to be able to not care about being judged. i used to be a super socially anxious and shy person. but recently within the last few years i’ve realized that it just… doesn’t matter what other people think of you. i know that’s so cliche. but honestly.

when i was in high school i started dressing uhhh.. let’s say a little weird. i wanted to test the waters, so to speak. i was experimenting with clothes and trying to teach myself to not be afraid of getting weird looks. because people WOULD give me weird looks, and comments, and even laugh at me. but i liked the way i looked, and my friends thought it was fun, so… what’s the big deal? how is it really affecting me, what they think about how i dress?

i got called a furry a lot in high school, and sometimes barked at. i didn’t know what a furry even was, so it didn’t bother me. i asked my friend one day, and she told me its people who dress like animals, and that i should look it up, because she thinks i’d really like it. and you know what? she was right. so i was a furry. i sometimes wore cat ears or a collar to school. and it still didn’t bother me when people tried to make fun of me for it. partially because i didn’t realize they were making fun of me (the tism) but partially because i didn’t care. *i* thought furries were cool, so i wasn’t embarrassed about them calling me one. they were right, after all 🤷‍♀️

i’m still openly a furry. i wore my fursuit to my college classes on halloween. i’m openly queer. i’m semi-openly a therian (close friends and family know, and ill tell anyone who asks). i don’t mind being weird or different, because i learned when i was a teenager to not be afraid of weird looks or being laughed at. they cant hurt you. it just doesn’t matter to me if other people think i’m cool or not, *i* think i’m cool. i made friends with other people who thought i was cool.

i was worried for a while that if i was too weird, nobody would like me and i wouldn’t have any friends. but the thing is, you won’t make friends by pretending to be someone you’re not. not real friends. i promise that *someone* will still like you. you’ll find someone like you. someone will still understand and think you’re cool no matter how weird you are. and if they don’t, i’m always here :)

LASTLY (sorry this has been so long) i’m good at being openly myself now because of how i worked on my self esteem. i used to have super low self esteem, i didn’t think highly of myself at all. but i read something online once, a few years ago, that said instead of making self-deprecating jokes/comments, to start making self-aggrandizing jokes. instead of saying “i can’t believe i got a good grade with how dumb and bad at math i am”, start saying “of course i got a good grade, im just that amazing and smart and incredible”. so i started doing that. personally, i think these kinds of jokes are WAY funnier, and also they help your self esteem. even if you don’t believe what you’re saying, it still subconsciously builds up an idea of yourself in your head. i will quite often make jokes like this, and i find this helps TREMENDOUSLY with not caring about how people think of me. who cares if they think i’m weird? i’m so pretty and smart and funny and talented 😌 i don’t need them to like me

anyway. that’s a lot of words to say sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you. but it’s true!

the fear of being judged is a (super valid to have, but) irrational fear, imo; judgement will not hurt you. so my big three tips, if you’re trying to start not caring about what people think: practice, find friends/a group who like you for who you are, and don’t think too poorly of yourself

[blossomthepinkbunny]

Poor rendition of queer characters in HH and HB

Here I am again talking about queer representation in Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, this time just more generally. Because it's always a little weird to me when people claim HH/HB to have good queer representation, when in actuality most of the queer characters are either just blatant stereotypes or get mishandled somehow. And with Helluva Boss recently winning the Queertys - Web series reward I think that this is probably a pretty good time to acknowledge that kind of stuff (as people have done before).

TW: Sexual assault, R@pe (when referring to the actions of characters)

Blitzø (Pansexual): is very sexual and seen on screen multiple times either having sex or just having had sex. Pretty much fits the general stereotype of queer men always being sexual and also the stereotype of pansexuals just sleeping with everybody. Like, he literally screwed the mutual Ex of his coworkers even though he knew how much that guy hurt them.

Stolas (Gay): also mostly sexual (from how he was introduced) and he is in a pretty terrible "relationship" with Blitzø, which includes coercion, SA, Power dynamics and fetishization. Another very sex-driven queer man. Also just great proof for the people assuming that queer relationships are inherently predatory, unhealthy and never work out.

Moxxie (Bisexual): is often forced into a very feminine role because even in relationships with women, queer men always have to be pointed out to be feminine and putting a guy in a dress is funny I guess.

Fizzarolli & Asmodeus (Queer): they're actually better than a lot of the other characters here but there is still some of that uneven power dynamic going on with them and there are obvious issues with their relationship. Overall they aren't too bad though. They didn't get that much sexual focus and what they got is kinda warranted since Ozzie is the Lust demon. But there is that one scene with Fizz stepping out of his car with Dildo confetti canons (I think) and that was sorta weird, since in an episode before that they presented Crimson as being homophobic and stereotypical for assuming queer men are all obsessed with dicks. Which is just interesting because thats most of the queer men in Vivzepops stories.

Chaz (Queer): just a sexually abusive asshole because we definitely needed more predatory queer men in this show.

Sally May (Trans mtf): basically the single recognized trans character in both shows and she only had one line. After that they made fan merch for her which consisted of her in a bikini with her bulge being drawn pretty visibly (multiple times). Of course there's nothing wrong with Trans people who don't have surgery but it's just a tiny bit weird to me that fanservice merchandise is what she got reduced to, when something like that wasn't even the joke of the only line she had in the show and because she hasn't recieved any kind of focus after that.

Angel Dust (Gay): now there is a lot of stuff that could be said about Angel. On one hand he is another very sexual gay man whose screentime often just consists of sex jokes and references. On the other hand that's a big point for his character. How he tries to act confident in his sexuality when in reality it's the main source of his problems. Though he does often harass other men in the show and that's just so unnecessary. Talking about Angel mostly leads into discussing if he is good representation for SA victims or not, which is something I don't want to talk about that much because I feel like it's not my place to judge that as someone who never has experienced SA. I'm gonna say that I do find Viv's treatment of him outside of the show insensitive (with the pro-shipping, diminishing Valentino as an Abuser and general sexualization of the characters) but as far as the portrayal of him in the show goes I've heard different opinions and you should read the discussion's of actual r@pe survivors about this topic if you want to know about more about it.

Husk (Queer): I don't have anything to say about Husk. He is a very refreshing queer man in these show's and there is nothing bad about him I could think of right now.

Valentino (Queer): for him I mostly want to talk about how he is treated outside of the show which doesn't sit right with me. He is a villian in HH so it's understandable that he is gonna do effed up stuff. I also like that the show tries to make a point about how men get sexually assaulted too (wether they succeeded in that inside the show I'm not gonna judge too hard like I said). But there are a lot of people who not only sexualize him, but also his actions and his relationship to Angel and from what I know Viv never really spoke out against that. She actually interacts with people who do that stuff and I it's just kinda gross.

Vox (Queer): I also don't have a lot to say about him. He and Val are a couple so he is dating a r@pist but he is also a villain so you can't really expect more from him. Especially since he would still be interacting with a r@pist even if they weren't dating.

Alastor (Aromantic, Asexual): is obviously not interested in relationships or sex but his identity is pretty much ignored by a huge amount of the fandom. Vivzepop never say's anything about people blatantly invalidating him like that. It seems to me like she doesn't care about characters who can't be involved in shipping but still wanted to have more diversity in her show so she just called him AroAce. In Hazbin Hotel he isn't bad representation though. His sexuality is never the focus but thats fine, it's mostly just the treatment he gets outside of HH which I don't like.

Charlie (Bisexual): doesn't have a lot to her sexuality. This is something I talked about pretty lengthy in my other post, specifically about the lack of Sapphic content in both shows, so I won't go into too much detail here. Her relationship with Vaggie would probably be the best in both shows if it wasn't for the fact that they both never get the real spotlight as a couple. And there is that thing in Vivzepops stories where the women are pretty much sexless without men and that's obviously something that is generally an issue when talking about the lack of Sapphic representation (which is also a topic heavily tied to sexism). Charlie's portrayal isn't necessarily stereotypical but that's just because there is nothing to her identity in the show.

Vaggie (Lesbian): like I said I already talked about the Chaggie relationship so now I wanna focus on something I didn't even mention in that post. Her name literally being Vagina and that's apparently funny because she is a Lesbian so she obviously likes Vagina. That's just incredibly stereotypical and also excludes Trans Lesbians and Asexual Lesbians who don't want sex. The whole joke was that Adam named her that because he is obsessed with sex and he's a jerk. But her name was always Vagina even in the pilot (from what I know Adam wasn't conceived then and neither was the idea that Vaggie even is a former exterminator).

That's all the queer characters I could think of. I hope I didn't miss any.

I thought about including Millie here too. But she was also already included in my other discussion post and I still don't know if she is canonically Bisexual of if that is just a headcannon so I didn't put her here.

I'm just gonna say that i don't have a problem with queer men being sexual (or any queer person in that regard). But it's pretty much every one of her queer male characters. This is especially bad when a lot of the relationships are toxic as well.

I just think too many characters fit stereotypes and to me that isn't good queer representation. If you like the depiction of queer characters in HH or HB that's good for you and you don't have to agree with me. But you also can't really deny a lot of this stuff and you can't expect others to just be fine with bland, hurtful and sometimes even toxic representation like there is in these shows.

[lurkofyourlife]

Maybe I'll decide on an alter ego some day, but for now just call me what you like, but do try to be civil (unless we're flirting. you can be mean if we're flirting.) (Re:nicknames, you can't go wrong with puppy or brat, or... other things, in the right context.)

Born in the 90s, female, with a fascination with kink and smut— entirely in theory. [Not inexperienced offline, simply not interested in offline experiences.] I am queer and non-monogamous, and a total nerd, and the way to my heart or loins is through tags/comments on my posts, and asks.

No terfs, swerfs, or ace exclusionists allowed, and keep all misogyny to the fantasy kind, mhm? Irl feminist and I do tend to block bigots on sight.

DMs are open for now, until someone makes me change my mind (not a challenge, but a warning). No age in bio means you will get blocked. Bots will get blocked. Happy to chat and flirt, but don't go sending pics unless I'm asking (I'm not currently asking).

MINORS ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. 18+ only, please and thanks.

Anons are open and if you want help starting, try my ask game tag!

This is a secondary blog for me. My primary is a mess of fandom and silly things, writing, plenty of memes. I promise I'm actually shockingly well-balanced and well-adjusted (and witty, and lighthearted and/or insightful— and, of course, modest); this is just my place to be as fucked up and kinked as my little heart desires. 🩷 But hey: I'm using a separate browser for this one, folks. So I can like and follow and lurk to my heart's content, here. Or maybe I'm watching you from a random tab on my main browser. I do like to peruse...

I will always tag my content; I'm paranoid that way.

Kinks include: various varietals of bdsm at different degrees (generally a bottom, a brat, a bit of a masochist, and I just love exploring power play), knife play (so very unfortunately attracted to knives), intox, cnc, somno, mind games, object insertion, breeding kink (w/o the pregnancy bit lmao), a bit of blood play or light petplay, praise and degradation each in their own way, shame play, and plenty of other things I've been curious about or find hot in the right scenario. I may dabble in pseudoincest if the mood strikes me; it'll be tagged inc3$t and fauxc3st so you can block as needed. My yes fluids are tears, spit/drool, cum, and blood. I may occasionally talk torture (especially psychological). I'm generally pro-monsterfucking, though prefer humanoid monsters (or outright monstrous humans).

Hard nos: You may call yourself daddy/mommy, but I do not like that word. I don't mind a sir, ma'am, miss, etc, but daddy/mommy is a hard no for me. I don't mind ddlg vibes, I simply don't like the name. Never gonna judge you for it, though, so do what makes you happy. Hypnotism is a no from me. Same with bimbofication. If you want me stupid, just fuck me dumb or exhaust me in a basement with no sleep. Large age gaps (over 10-15 years or so) are a hard no. Even my pseudoincest leans 'what are you doing step bro' opposed to 'icky uncle'. It's a squick I won't be getting over any time soon. Not big on filth fetishes (sorry, no scat, piss, emeto stuff, etc). As much as I love knives, and don't mind a bit of torture, I avoid all-the-way-through, woundfucking, and vore. Also I just don't like bugs. 🥺

{no images are me. forever faceless on the internet 🩷}

Internet gf: @sexistentialprincess 🩷🩷🩷

Other reserved tags: 💀, ⛓️, 🫀

If you're looking for specific content, use the color coding in the kink section! Links below for pink tags, red tags, green tags, etc. ^^ All my original posts are tagged #|urkofyour|ife

[always---wrong]

Okay, so I wanted to discuss the situation with Alastor, his canonical sexuality, and fans.

I have seen the two sides alot.

So one side ships Al with numerous characters and sees this as casual fun.

And the other thinks this is disrespectful cause he is ace, or Aroace.

(I believe that he is Aroace. His va said so, his character has shown no interest in romance, and Viv may have confirmed it at some point)

Now, I am sex repulsed ace and I'm aro. And I have strong opinions. Alastor is my favorite character in Hazbin Hotel, he is also the FIRST confirmed ace character I've seen. (This doesn't include subtly implied characters) Because Al is the first and I care for him he is very important to me.

My opinion is really mixed because on one side it's; yeah, it is a fandom, and fandoms ship. It's what they do. Its also kind a rude to judge someone for their favorite pairings and stuff, in my opinion.

On the other side though I'm hurt. I am a queer person with basically no rep. And I hadn't realized how upset I was by this until I saw discourse over this character. I had FORGOTTEN that it was possible to have confirmed canonical ace characters. I had gotten so used to that just being a head cannon. And not only just an ace character but also an Aroace character. And not just that but a seemingly non sex favorable ace character. I would even argue he is sex repulsed.

My real problem with all this is:

Yes, I KNOW ace characters can have sex. But do you know who else can? Literally every single allosexual character. I KNOW aros can date. But you know who else can? Everyone else. The appeal of ACTUALLY having characters with the same sexuality as me is that they would be like me. Cause I and other aces like me never, ever get stories like that. So many times in media I would be enjoying a character who had shown NO interest in sex/romance and would suddenly be partnered up with another just for the heck of it. This has happened SO many times it's not even funny. It's incredibly frustrating.

So, the point I'm trying to make is that; YES, there are aces who have sex. HOWEVER, a large number of us do not. And it's like everyone forgets that. Your not writing Alastor having sex with Angel cause your showing the vast spectrum of asexuality. Your most likely writing it cause it's sex between two hot characters. It's simply maddening.

(One thing I wanted to say was, despite the fact that Al is ace i don't think it's bad to find him attractive. He is very pleasing to look at so I understand allos finding him hot. However I'm not sure where I stand with people sexualizing him. I think I'm leaning towards, 'please don't do it'.)

Now, the worst thing though is when I'm looking for content to enjoy. When I found out Al was canonically ace I was so happy and excited. I'm pretty sure this situation wouldn't make me nearly as frustrated if it weren't for the overwhelming amount of sexual content for Al. Some would be fine. I could just scroll past it if this were the case. But it is not. Content for Al is MOSTLY sexual. That's why I don't believe people when they keep saying they aren't invalidating aces because almost every time I go looking for a fic I have to scroll for HOURS just to find few non ship fics.

I can't even use the Asexual Alastor tag because all that does is bring me to a bunch of fics where the author is like 'he's ace trust me,' then proceeds to write smut.

Why can't I even use a tag made for aces without being drowned in smut. It's so frustrating! Like I'm getting to a point where I wish the authors would stop using the tag and openly admit they made him not ace for the story. Like I know your trying to not throw away his canonical sexuality but I mean at this point I think it'd be better if you did. And if someone is going to write sex favorable ace Al then please leave it to the aces. I trust us to at least weave it into his character instead of stating it and acting like it's there when it's not.

So basically: I don't mind if you ship him, just don't say he's ace or Aroace if your neither of those in ship/smut content. I'm sick of trying to find content that isn't sex/romance in Aroace tags!

I don't want to judge people for liking a ship. But I'm really tired.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE, I would love to see content with Al and Lucifer. Like them hating each other to like frenemies. It would be so funny.

Anyone have any platonic content with Al and the rest of the cast???

[twig-tea]

Only Friend Finale Reaction

I want to write this down now because I suspect my feelings on this will change over time. In this moment, immediately post-finale, I am satisfied. I feel happy. I am glad this show got made, and that I watched it.

Only Friends was billed as the messy gays show. I went in expecting something close to Friend Zone but with more gays, and that's what we got. Not a Warped Effect with explicit morals and lessons about sex, consent, sexualities, kinks, etc., not a GayOK Bangkok which is grounded in realism.

And because this was Jojo and Ninew and Den and Best, it's still more realistically queer than any GMMTV BL to date, and there were some absolutely stellar moments that stand alone as moving, and powerful, and beautiful, and genre-changing. And so near the beginning of the show airing, I raised my expectations; maybe this show was going to do more.

But was clear by the penultimate episode that it wasn't. I wrestled a lot on here with my need for this show to be the one that finally broke up the mixed pair expectations, and let sluts be sluts, and finally showed a threesome, and maybe even gave us consensual non-monogamy. It didn't go that far in any of those realms, but it took a step closer on many of them, and considering where BL has been to date that's still pretty huge for GMMTV, and I don't want to lose sight of that or judge it for what I wanted it to be instead of what it ultimately was.

The other thing I wrestled with a lot in this show was what other people were seeing in it, and my frustration that people were taking away moral lessons that the show wasn't giving. I think I was successful in that I watched this finale with satisfaction for what I was getting, even though I know a lot of people won't see what I saw (and btw I'm not even claiming that what I saw was what the creators intended! I am not claiming superiority here, just bias lol). So I watched this finale deciding to take what I wanted from it, rather than what I thought it was actually trying to say, and for that reason I enjoyed the hell out of it.

So. Here are my takeaways from the Only Friends finale:

We got a three-way kiss, even if it didn't lead to a threesome, after teasing us all series that was still satisfying and we got it as part of a branded pair in a GMMTV show. It was fun, and messy, and I loved it. I appreciate that it was also...maybe necessary is too far lol but it was actually in service to the plot--we all knew Sand still had feelings for Boeing, or else he would not have still been so mad at Top that he was willing to use Nick and Ray to get his revenge. Not every emotional loose end needs to be resolved with kissing, but it was kind of fun that they tried (and I also really appreciated that it didn't work lol).

I loved that Mew and Ray talking as friends got them to compare notes on and eventually team up to take down Boeing. Their friendship really is the backbone of this series, and I'm glad it survived everything. Mew is so relieved to have someone else taking care of Ray because he never wanted that role and wasn't good at it, but he does care about his friend's happiness and is more than happy to step in when there's drama. I appreciate that he made really clear to Sand that his feelings for Ray are platonic, in the bar, that's the first time I've really seen him be truly supportive of Ray, and it was nice to see.

The Mew and Top scenes were fascinating. I think this is where I'm going to differ from the bulk of the audience and I've made peace with that. I do not find stories like theirs romantic--where both partners need to be in control and play games to stay in control the whole time--so for me, the fact that these power struggles were still present in all of their scenes satisfied my desire to see them stay together, happy but on edge. So. That scene with Mew and Top in which Mew agrees to live with Top but then asks him to apologize to Sand right afterwards; I read that as pretty manipulative on Mew's part, and Top's uncomfortable face at the end means that he felt it too. Maybe I wasn't supposed to read it that way, but that's why it worked for me. The ring, too, "now or never", it's not a promise of forever, it's a promise of the present [such a strong ephemerality statement]. The conversation in the bath in which they outline their needs and identify that they have contrasting needs, and say "I'll work on it / we'll deal with it when it comes" is exactly what I was expecting of this relationship. They're not perfect for each other, and they're going to continue to push one another. Right now they're agreeing to try, without a guarantee that it will work. Talking about their needs is good, but we don't actually see them trying, so it didn't hit as romantic as it would otherwise for me either. And Mew daring Sand to kiss Top in order to get them to be chill was such a Mew power move I loved it. He asked Top to apologize to Sand, and then forced them to be in close proximity before getting confirmation that Top was ready. Top apologizing to Sand in that last second before they kissed was him clinging for power while Sand was hovering over him, and it was a perfect Top volley. Constant power struggle, that's how I read these two. Mew teasing Top with whether or not he's slept with anyone else was so interesting considering their history around that--I was probably supposed to see it as growth in their relationship that they can joke about it? Or maybe they were trying to undo some of the sexual morality nonsense that made its way into this show by pointing out that actually it doesn't matter if Mew had been with anyone before? But what I saw was Mew still struggling to have a power foothold over Top now that he's moved in. I will admit the fire scene, at first, I was so confused by. Were we supposed to be moved by Top getting past his trauma? What was that scene even about? I think, in the context of Mew's struggle with his place in Top's life, and his power in this relationship, it was about Mew understanding the invisible support he provides for Top, and why he's important to Top. Mew watched Top be competent and collected in the face of a triggering event, and was impressed at how Top had it all together, but Top credits Mew's presence for that. I think it helped Mew start to actually see a future with Top, because he understands his place in it a bit better. Even if he feels like he's not doing enough, Top sees his presence as strength, so maybe he doesn't need to worry quite so much about keeping score. But that's honestly me reaching, I struggled with that scene and think it was the weakest in the finale [and @lurkingshan I read your post and could believe that your read is true, that it was there to prove Top did have trauma].

Can I tell you how much I love how this show ended, with Mix's character smiling at Mew, and Top's nervous look? Because I think we've wrestled with Mew's confidence in this relationship for the whole show, but it's clear Top still feels unsettled/uncertain in this relationship and I love that we ended with him feeling threatened. This for me was the perfect ending for this couple, and what I've wanted as their ending all along--they're happy right now, they know there are potential bumps on the road in their future, and they're not certain they'll make it through, but they're willing to try--but the threats are real, and present, and not going to be easy because this relationship is not solid.

I also really appreciated what was happening with Boston and Nick, even though I wish it would have been more explicit or done better; what we got was still better than I expected from a GMMTV show. I loved Boston dissuading Nick from following him, and finding the romantic asks to be too many/too much, and having a different definition of "boyfriend" (but not different enough to not like to Nick's face about where you were, Boston, I see you). I love that Nick didn't get mad at Boston for "cheating", understood what Boston was offering for what it was; I also really loved Sand's advice to Nick that just because what's on offer is laid out honestly and fairly, that that means he has to accept it if it's not what he wants. I didn't love Boston trying to backtrack when Nick decided not to take him up on it; but I did love Nick's response, telling Boston to own who he is rather than trying to be someone he's not.

I think this is where my attempts the last couple of weeks to let go of what people will take from this show has helped, because yeah, you can see this as the narrative punishing Boston for being a slut, but this has never been a morality play, and so I'm taking from it how I see it. And I see it as Boston getting a clean slate with a bit more perspective going to New York. What I would say to Boston if he were my friend: This friend group was a mess and they always judged Boston for his sex life more than was deserved; they also violated his privacy by passing around his sex audio and never apologized for it. Boston also didn't take their feelings into consideration when he decided who to have sex with, and he messed with their relationships which was not being a good friend either. Does he actually want them back, or is he just feeling lonely? My hope for him is that he takes what he's learned about other people's feelings--that not everyone sees the world he does, and he has to understand that people will be hurt by different things whether or not they would hurt him, if he wants to retain relationships of any kind including friendships, and decide whether or not they're worth making concessions for before hurting them so that he doesn't lose people he doesn't want to--and finds folks who fit better with his worldview and morals, and then is better able to keep them in his life. But also these people are hypocrites, and he should not take their opinion as a statement of fact about his worth. He didn't do anything worse to them than they did to him or each other.

I know a lot of people are going to see this storyline as a punish the slut story. I was wrestling with this two episodes ago, maybe that's why I'm willing to be chill about this now. I was hoping we'd get Boston as a reason to discuss consensual non-monogamy in a GMMTV show, but I am actually ok with Nick saying listen, I need to be honest about what I want and it's not that, and Boston you shouldn't be trying to give me what I want because that's not going to make you happy either. Boston being alone isn't a sad ending; to me it's the ending he was expecting and aiming for this whole time. The only difference is he's surprised by how he feels about it now that he's in it, and he's panicking a bit. Boston was not just a slut, he was a slut who didn't care about who he hurt; it's that latter piece that he's wrestling with in this finale, and I love that Nick told him he didn't have to stop being a slut to stop being an asshole. Honestly, he'll get to New York and be fine, I really think so. And I took the Nick/Boston goodbye conversation as Nick saying "I love you as you are, a slut, and it's ok to be that. Go be a happy slut!" Do I wish he'd said that more explicitly so that people would understand that? Yes. But I've given up on that.

Cheum not going with the group to the fireworks was so interesting in the context of our conversations about Cheum over the past couple of days. I took this to be the show acknowledging explicitly that she's not actually a part of the core friend group; she schemes to keep the group together (unsuccessfully), and we don't ever get a sense of why she cares so much about that--maybe it's guilt for helping push out Boston for something he didn't do, maybe she needs the security of the group she's got, we never get that insight and I'm still a bit sad about that. But she's not there for the big fireworks finale, so we're at least clear that the show never intended her to be a Main Character. And I was so happy we got her saying her plan worked in the pool. Maybe that still won't be enough to convince the audience that she's an unreliable narrator, but it was satisfying for me! Also loved her unwrapping the photo from Boston and the group's uncomfortable reaction to it. Maybe Chuem's going to keep pushing that they reconcile; maybe she's just delusional about how well her plan worked. Either way, the tension was fun. I didn't get the full resolution of her character that I wanted, but the show nodding explicitly to the fact that she keeps herself apart from the main group so I shouldn't expect it was helpful to me getting over that. And we got a kiss! And another tiny insight into their relationship; again not enough to go on, but i did think it really interesting that the two things we know about April and Cheum are: April appreciates Cheum's positive energy, and April has asked Cheum to be more honest and not just positive for the sake of being positive (about her films). So I'm reading this as that these two are just as messy and as likely to continue to have problems as the rest of the group.

Ending in Sand and Ray because I think this is the least ambiguous; I appreciated that Sand started doing what Sand always does and saying "yeah I"ll sacrifice all of my sources of income for you no problem" (WHAT) and Ray waiting until they're alone again to say "actually that's ridiculous don't do that". I appreciated that Sand's new year plans were all about Ray because he hasn't had anything push him into actually being more selfish, and the resolution with Boeing was done for him so he didn't have to set boundaries after all (called that one), so he's had zero character growth, actually. I appreciate that Ray pushes him to try to be a little selfish, that's the best sign that Ray is finally actually caring about Sand's needs, and that their relationship might work, that I've seen the whole series. I'm taking it with a massive grain of salt, because the plan is for Ray to constantly expose himself to alcohol and partying. I think this is set up to be just as tenuous as the Mew/Top relationship, but it reads a bit more lovey-dovey because they're in a less problematic place at the moment (where they have just resolved one of their insecurities so they're more confident in one another--but it's not clear how long that will last, especially with the threat of Sand's self-sacrifice and Ray's fierce boundary-violating in the face of any threat looming in the background unresolved). Sand expressing his uncertainty around his role in the Hostel was also perfect, because he is an outsider in this project and doesn't have a role, and it's a perfect point for tension in the future between them.

Even the way Yo warns the group of friends in the very last scene that they're going to have to be better to one another and less dramatic in the future if they want this hostel to last felt ominous to me rather than preachy; have this group learned enough to make this business work? That definitely remains to be seen.

Nobody should be watching Only Friends with the idea that it's going to give them any kind of lesson about what to do; at best it's a list of what not to do's lol. None of these characters are perfect, they're all incredibly flawed, and young. So their choices, including whether or not to stay together, whether or not to stay friends, whether or not to stay in business, should not be read as a moral judgment by the showrunners. I definitely agree that this could have been more effective as a message if folks weren't happy at the end. But I've given up on it needing to be effective for everyone; they stayed in character to me, and it was effective for me.

I recognized so much of my friends and my youth in this series, and I am so grateful to have gotten to see that portrayed in a show that felt like a rollercoaster while I was watching it; I literally screamed aloud, I cheered, I laughed, I applauded. This show had characters casually snort coke, hook up, flirt with their exes, kiss their friends, make mistakes, forgive one another heinous shit, be mean, kiss outside their branded pairs, and in some cases let one another go.

There are a LOT of ways this show could have been better. It was close, so close in some cases, to being amazing, and it's fallen short in a lot of ways. It could have been a subversive and compelling narrative about slut shaming and the toxicity of fandom branded pairs. Instead, it was just a show about flawed people being flawed. But I had fun, and I'm not taking away from this show that any of these characters were in the right, or that sluts are bad, or need to change--whether it was the intended message, I've given up on that because I legitimately can't tell and if it is the message, I don't want to know. I don't think it overromanticized these flawed characters, but I can see how folks could see it that way. I'm choosing to remember that these characters have all been flawed and shown to be flawed throughout the show, and notice the ways in which they are still flawed, and the hints that things will stay messy. Maybe this is a bit like those experiments in which they found the way people in incarceration watch Die Hard very differently from how other people do or how it was intended LOL maybe I'm working too hard to justify what was just bad writing and gross moral judgments and toxic relationships being portrayed as romantic. But it didn't land that way for me, so I'm going to celebrate that and enjoy the feelings this show gave me.

[lemuel-apologist]

Hey, everybody. I am going to keep this post short. (I'm coming back partway through to say that this was, evidently, a lie.)

I said something about it yesterday; I'll say something more in-depth now.

So, a couple years ago, when a round of r4cs0 troll asks reached the exmo blog-sphere of tumblr, I got frustrated and posted something fairly strongly-worded (an understatement). Over the course of the past three years, I have received asks here and on my main blog (and, I believe, my writing blog?) implicating myself over and over in whatever that guy is being accused of this time. It's one thing when it's in my inbox. I can say something dumb to it or, more often, ignore and delete it.

It's another thing when it's sent to other people, which is something I had not considered. Yesterday, someone reached out to me right before I went to ward choir with my brother (they need altos. I need a musical outlet. Don't judge me) to let me know they had received this ask concerning r4cs0 and myself; and I knew the kind of ask he was talking about, but not the content. We talked about it a bit, over the course of yesterday and tomorrow; and, in the interim, my friend Shine (hi, Shine, love you) notified me that her fiance, Serra (hi, Serra, I don't know you) had received the exact same ask on his blog. And I don't know Serra outside of Shine. I still follow her even though Shine doesn't have a Tumblr anymore, but, to my knowledge, Serra doesn't follow this blog? Unless he sneakily did that? What would be the connection there?

Of course, there probably isn't one, unless I am the connection. Speculating doesn't do much of anything. So let's bump some Paramore and work through it, shall we?

I know now, of course, that the ask says the following, where I'm concerned:

Unfortunately an exmo blogger I follow called lemuel-apologist took the bait. And I'm assuming (and really hoping) that she was just joking around to try to troll r4cs0… But she claims that r4cs0 is "right" because she allegedly did organize a "queer jump humping orgy" when she was at BYU in order to protest the "inherent ecclesiastical absolutism of colonized Mormon institutions!" I'll spare you the more gruesome details that she divulged, but I guess the "punchline" of this story was that in order to have multiple groups of people jump humping at once, they needed access to multiple beds. So they broke into a furniture store and held the orgy there, causing it to become a protest of both Mormonism and capitalism at the same time! As you can imagine, r4cs0 and his hateful followers didn't think this was a gotcha at all and instead have been spreading this story around to whip up even more bigotry. They even said they plan to send it in to Libs of Tik Tok!!

I don't blame anyone for taking that at face value. I don't. Tumblr culture is set up in a certain way, and that results in people taking callout asks at face value. I get it.

But, genuinely, I have never acted like that in my life. Like I said, I can't prove something in the negative. It's impossible to provide proof that you didn't do something of this nature, especially when the claims are so vague-- and especially when it's presented to a court of public opinion. And I know that hashing all of this out does nothing but throw words into the air, spur on more asks and encourage whoever is sending them to keep putting my name in there (because it's oh-so funny), and offer everyone else a chance to come to their own conclusions. I can't make this stop. I can't make anyone believe me. I certainly can't make everyone see this post.

To be clear, I never made a claim about r4cs0 being "right" about anything (not pertaining to sex; not in general). I have never once organized an orgy. I'm...

Okay, to be clear, asexuality doesn't preclude someone's participation in or organization of an orgy, including as an act of protest, but I patently didn't do that? I've studied sex (on a genetic level) and sexuality (both the social construction and act of it), sure. I went out of my way to study both of those topics as a part of my degree. I think human sexuality is fascinating. It's also just... not for me. Just writing about sex in a non-clinical way took me ten years to get to, almost.

And that's not something that can clear me from this, I know, but it's necessary context to why I'm so baffled by this. I sent this to my friend Cody and he was just as baffled. If you know me, you know that's not something I would ever do; and you know I didn't go to BYU; and you know I don't say thinks like "the inherent ecclesiastical absolutism of colonized Mormon institutions." Frankly, I went out of my way to lie to my mother and not apply to BYU so I could go to school in Ogden (and if you're from Utah, now you know where I got my CJ/CSI degree, lol. There's only one queer studies program here, to my knowledge). Frankly, "the inherent ecclesiastical absolutism of colonized Mormon institutions" is a bit of a nonsense clause. I don't write like that. Not in my academic work! I would never argue that a Mormon institution could be colonized (lol). For all the nuance of the past discrimination against Mormons in the United States versus the current persecution complex, that is not the way I construct my arguments. I could provide examples from my papers on queer feminism, Marxist feminism, and so on, but I don't think that would be very conducive to the discussion.

I also just... have never broken into a furniture store. I don't think I've ever been into the furniture store by my house. And, like I said, I didn't go to BYU. I only ever marched there for competitions when I was in high school. The last time I was on that campus was to go to the Bean Museum with my meemaw, and the time before that was either for an astronomy thing years ago or a marching competition (or the paleontology museum. Love that thing). I didn't go to BYU. I actively organized a Rainbow Day on my college's campus.

Like, to be clear, that's the kind of action I've always tended toward. When I didn't accidentally get dragged into protests, I like to make exhibits, run events, and do educational outreach. Our Rainbow Day was about the history of Rainbow Day itself, Utah's queer history, and America's queer history. That was what we did. That was my big protest.

Like, I could keep going. I just patently did not do this. I don't give a shit about the other guy, but I did not do this. I wouldn't do something so reckless. I don't judge if other people want to-- more power to you; someone has to do the big, flashy acts of protest-- but I... don't... operate like that.

Listen, this post got long; I got distracted by what I was writing in the other tab; and I have things I need to work on today (and I have to go put on a sweater, because my meds are making my hair stand on end and I'm SO COLD that I can't concentrate). Just... suffice it to say, that's not true. Whatever that ask says about me, it's not true. These asks go around every so often, infuriatingly, and I'm never sure what they're saying until I look up my name or his. I stopped obsessing over my name getting smeared back in 2021/2022, and it was better for me, but... you know.

Anyway, like I said yesterday: if there's something you see that you're concerned about, please let me know. Ask me. My inbox exists for a reason. I care a lot. Not about my public image (lol), but about whether or not people feel they can trust me, especially in the niche I have carved for myself. When things like this get spread around, it affects my credibility-- as an exmormon, as an ex-JW's daughter, as a CJ-hopeful, as an academic, and so on. I want people to feel safe around me, and to not feel like I'd do something that would endanger them. I wouldn't.

That's where I have to leave it for now. I'm just... really sorry about all of this. I don't know what I did wrong this time. I'm trying not to be anxious about it; and so I'm leaving it here.

[maaskuline]

OK SO. i wanted to go in depth about Johnny's sexuality here so i'm gonna ramble about it :]

(warning though, i am gonna talk about some lightly sexual topics here! nothing super detailed abt it tho)

as of right now, and depending on whoever he's being rp'ed with since there's no real set "canon" for this blog, Johnny currently has NO clue that he's actually gay, and genuinely believes himself to be straight. other people could potentially be able to spot it in him more easily than he himself can, and they can even bring it up and tease him for it if they want to—and i enjoy when he gets anons about it! but the thing is, the teasing of his sexuality (even if it IS in good fun and well-intentioned) is only going to make him all the more defensive about it. the more somebody tells him he's in denial, the more he's just going to bury it deep inside him. mostly bc he's stubborn and highly insecure, and if he feels like he's being laughed at for it, then he's simply not going to confront it the way he needs to.

this is also because Johnny has been bullied over this exact thing plenty of times before. it's not really all that new to him. he's more than likely had people call him gay before, particularly by high school bullies when he was younger. he's probably been called the F-slur more times than he can count, even been violently attacked—unfortunately, that's just what a lot of teenage boys do to each other. so even when a more well-intentioned person (even someone who may be queer themselves) calls him out on his own sexuality or lightheartedly teases him for it, that's only gonna bring back those memories of being harassed by school bullies, and make him deny it even more. it's just something he needs to figure out on his own terms, at his own speed.

in terms of his relations with women, though? Johnny HAS been with women before, at least like hook-ups & one-night stands and such. not so much actual committed relationships—or if he has, they're brief. it's actually confirmed by the series creator himself that Johnny DOES get women, but only off-screen bc seeing him succeed wouldn't be as funny for viewers, and that's something i wanted to explore more in my depiction of him!

so that is to say, Johnny is sexually active. and he continues to sleep with women, despite the fact that he's not actually attracted to them deep down. but to him, that lack of attraction simply does not fully register in his brain—he believes that's NORMAL. because what other reference does he have to go off of? he's never slept with another man before in his life. so he wouldn't know how much he'd actually enjoy it because he's never tried it. but he does know that if he DID, he'd likely be judged for it, and so he simply shuts that very idea out of his mind. the idea of sleeping with a man just isn't even a possibility to him for that reason alone. and so... he just settles with women instead. that's the "safer" option to him, and to some extent he's still getting his sexual / physical needs met, even if it's by people who he's not fully attracted to.

but the main problem is not so much about meeting his SEXUAL needs (although that's certainly a part of it too)—it's moreso about meeting his EMOTIONAL needs. Johnny can have as many one-night stands as he wants, but none of it really means anything to him. that's why they're one-night stands; they're just one night. and then he can just move on to the next woman.

really, Johnny is desperate to find a long-term girlfriend (or partner in general). he has all these one-night stands, and he fears commitment, but he still craves it deep down. to Johnny, flirting and sleeping around with various women all the time pretty much IS his way of seeking out a girlfriend.

but what he doesn't realize is that he's only shooting himself in the foot by doing that. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy! he'll hook up with a woman, and then move on to the next woman, and the cycle will only continue to repeat. but what kind of message do you think that sends to the women?

maybe there's SOME that won't mind his flirtatious ways too much—everyone has different preferences after all—but for those who are actually looking for a long-term connection, it's not exactly a good look when the guy you're interested in is still "keeping his options open," and moving on so easily at the drop of a hat. if a woman decides to break things off with him at any moment? he won't care that much. or if he does, he's quick to pick himself back up and move along. there's plenty of fish in the sea.

but that's not to say that it's IMPOSSIBLE for Johnny to have a real, emotional connection with a woman. for instance... he could still establish a friendship with them. it just might be harder for him, since he's typically going to resort to flirting and romance by default. general rule of thumb is: if a woman is close enough to him in age (20s - 30s), he's going to flirt with her like 90% of the time. in a way, he kinda feels like he HAS to—like that's just what is expected of him. or at least what he expects of himself, anyway. and of course, it's gonna be hard to establish a purely platonic friendship with Johnny if he's actively flirting and trying to turn it into something more. so while it's not impossible, female friends are still going to be much harder for Johnny to come by.

that said—in the instance where Johnny IS able to establish a real friendship with a woman, even that can only exacerbate the problem regarding his sexuality. after all, it's the emotional connection he's seeking deep down, right? so, if he feels like he can truly connect with a woman on a platonic basis... yeah, he's gonna feel the need to turn it into something romantic. he's gonna mistake the signs of FRIENDSHIP, as ATTRACTION—because, truthfully, he has a hard time distinguishing between the two. if a woman has the capacity to be his friend, then surely she also has the capacity to be his girlfriend, right...?

well, that's where Johnny is completely clueless—because he's never had experience with a real, long-term relationship. he doesn't really know WHAT he actually wants out of a relationship, only that he wants one. and yet, despite that desire for romance, he continues to play himself by overcompensating for his insecurities by putting on this sort of "womanizing macho man" front, and thereby pushing away the women he pursues. y'know... as if he needs to "PROVE" to others just how much he loves women... (you see what i'm getting at?)

[agentearthling]

absolutely nobody asked for this but I really wanted to share my thoughts on Ethel Cain's new album Perverts. it hasn't been out for long but this album already means so much to me and I haven't felt this seen in such a long time. it took a while to articulate why but I've figured out how each song speaks to me. I know this album is about Hayden's thoughts on the concept of "The Ring, The Great Dark, and Proximity to God" but this is just my own personal interpretation and relation to the tracks!

01: Perverts

this started the album out really strong (and dark) with a distorted rendition of the classic hymn "Nearer, my God, to Thee" which was one of my personal favorites that I heard and sang all the time growing up. this was followed up with one of the most unsettling things I've heard in my life - the constant buzzing and droning that continuously gets more persistent as a muffled voice repeats "heaven has forsaken the masturbator" that had my religiously traumatized self sitting on the edge of my seat. This song - including the lines "no one you know is a good person" up to the end line "it's happening to everybody" captures terrified and guilty eleven-year-old little me so well that I genuinely have not been able to listen to the song in its entirety a second time. it perfectly emulates the feeling I had when I knew without a doubt that my every move was being watched and judged by a divine entity. absolutely terrifying. masterfully well done.

02: Punish

the lead single! I do know what the song is literally actually about - and I can promise you I don't relate to pedophilia - but when I hear it I can't help but relate it to my personal experience of growing up queer and religious. "I am punished by love" is such a powerful line that I thought (although probably worded less poetically) often as a teenager and even now in my early adult years. any affection I felt - whether it was purposeful or not - was wrong and I was desperate to find a way to remove it from me through any means possible. even the line "only God would believe that I was an angel, but they made me leave" representing how I felt forced to leave the church... ugh. a little too on the nose. I love this song

03: Housofpsychoticwomn:

I'm not entirely sure how to put the way this song makes me feel into words. as the song literally says, "maybe it's not meant to be explained. maybe it's not meant to be marked down in words." this one is really personal to me. I guess instead of going into detail about what I call the "empathy epidemic" or abusive "love," I'll just say that love is something that we all crave but sometimes when it comes, it turns out to be the most terrifying and harmful thing of all.

04: Vacillator

everything about this track just blows me away. the lethargic instrumentals, Ethel's beautiful voice, the lyrics...wow. because I find Housofpsychoticwomn relatable, I definitely find this song relatable as well. the indecisiveness and hesitancy to enter any kind of relationship (romantic or platonic or otherwise), being willing to give away everything you have except for what others actually want, the contradiction of "close the door, let me in," and, of course, the famous "if you love me, keep it to yourself." is there a greater fear than the fear of letting yourself be known and being rejected anyway?

05: Onanist

this song is about masturbating. without a doubt. I know I've already talked about religion when I was discussing the other songs, but I love the way this song portrays the self titled onanist as someone who desperately wants to know God and be close to Him, but ends up giving up. Too much is being asked of them and they give in to their "worldly desires." the song sounds AMAZING also.

06: Pulldrone

the first half of this fifteen minute long track are spoken word, listing the "12 Pillars of Simulacrum," which are described as the different ways that humans try to reach God. the second half is a constant buzzing, droning instrumental (Pulldrone.) Each pillar - apathy, disruption, curiosity, assimilation, aggrandization, delineation, perversion, resentment, separation, degradation, annihilation, and desolation - seem to have unpleasant consequences. it's a reminder that no matter how hard you try, you will never be good enough to reach your goal. (But that's just how I interpreted it)

07: Etienne

almost completely instrumental, this song features melancholy piano and guitar, with an ever present static in the background. near the end, there is a spoken outro taken from a sermon tape. it tells the story of a suicidal man who tried to end his life by running continuously night after night in the hopes that he would have a heart attack. despite his best attempts, he did not perish, but after a week "he felt so good that he didn't want to kill himself anymore." as someone who has had a couple near death experiences, this song and it's outro spoke to me. I often mistake myself as an invincible person who is seemingly incapable of dying, and I tend to view it as a guarantee (or a curse, depending on how things are going) it's a sad story, but it's also quite hopeful.

08: Thatorchia

forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I think this song is about death and ascendance. it's also completely instrumental (excluding some humming), similar to August Underground and Televangelism from Ethel Cain's album Preacher's Daughter. this track is INCREDIBLY haunting and although I haven't died yet, listening to this makes me feel like this is exactly what I'll be hearing when I inevitably do. and I don't think that would be too bad.

09: Amber Waves

I know this song was available for a while on SoundCloud before this album came out, but it's still got to be my current favorite song off Perverts. I love the way the lyrics and message are melancholy - using an unhealthy coping mechanism to try and distract yourself from your failure and inadequacy - but it still sounds so comforting and hopeful. this perfectly captures how it feels to find solace and familiarity in something that is ultimately harmful for you. the lyrics, the beautiful instrumental, and even the spoken closing line "I can't feel anything" really encapsulate the inability to break out of a masochistic cycle when it's all you've known and therefore familiar and comforting to you. I fucking love this song. this entire album is a masterpiece.

[darklinaforever]

I always wonder what exactly the accusation about me liking ships or men abusing women is based on ?

Like... like I have some sort of fetish about female suffering caused by men ? I don't know ?

I'm trying to find meaning in this accusation that I often make of myself, when in reality, generally these haters are just talking to me about the super popular enemies to lovers trope or ships with twisted / toxic dynamics without necessarily this particular trope, even if it's rather rare and the people who follow me know very well that this type of ship is not reserved for heterosexual couples, that I ship LGBTQ+ characters with this kind of dynamic.

So how does it work from this accusation of loving relationships where men specifically abuse women ?

Although, knowing their stupidity, I imagine they would say that liking this kind of dynamic on LGBTQ+ couples would simply be proof of my so-called homophobia / queerphobia ? 😂 After all the bullshit I've been through, we're not ready for that.

Especially since sometimes it’s women in the role of the villainous crush that I like, so what would that mean ? That I'm sexist for wanting women to be portrayed as villains perhaps ? 😂

Once again, the whole principle of often coming to tell me that I am problematic because I apparently like ships where men abuse women, makes no sense since sometimes it is the opposite, sometimes it is LGBTQ+ couples.

I just like, like many other people, seeing dark twisted complex and toxic relationships often in the enemy-to-lover trope.

Loving this type of relationship is not surprising. It has existed and been represented in the media for as long as it has existed simply because it is a fascinating concept to look at.

I mean, are you going to tell someone they're weird because they love watching movies about serial killers ? No, I do not think so.

And that for me is because liking to see this kind of relationship on screen is more often women who will appreciate seeing that, so immediately when a woman likes something in the media it is often demonized and we are going to point this out as one of the worst perverse things that can exist even though it is completely ridiculous.

How does loving fictional relationships give you an objective portrait of the person I am in real life ? This is really completely stupid.

Well, I went far, but all this to say that the accusation that I like ships where the man abuses the woman is really stupid.

I just like a trope no matter what type of couple is involved. Let it be the woman who is morally doubtful. Let the dynamic be there on a queer couple etc.

I imagine that this type of accusation is intended to give the impression that you are standing on the side of women and defending them, but the reality is quite different since you are allowing yourself to judge and moralize a trope very popular with women.

You are nothing but hypocrites trying to give yourselves the right moral role, and it is tiring.

[rolandtowen]

hey! are you also feeling shitty this week? so am i. so i wrote a fic framing self-care tasks as a form of spite. you know, for reasons. this'll be quite a few chapters, so please enjoy.

read on Ao3 or under the cut:

I'm doing this for revenge / I am doing this to try and stay true

I'm doing this for the ones / We had to leave behind

I'm doing this for you

-  "Training Montage", The Mountain Goats

Bucky likes his new therapist. 

After helping to defeat the Flag Smashers, he’d started looking for a new therapist. While Dr. Raynor had been helpful, he felt that he was shifting into a new phase of his recovery, and they just weren’t clicking anymore. Luckily enough for him, the US government decided that he was trustworthy enough to pick his own therapist after saving the world (again). He’d asked both Sam and Dr. Raynor for their recommendations in the Brooklyn area. He wanted someone who had a lot of experience with PTSD, had worked with veterans extensively, and hopefully disabled veterans specifically. He didn’t mention this to Sam or Dr. Raynor, but Bucky also wanted a queer therapist. Oh, and the therapist also needed to be comfortable with phone therapy in case Bucky, you know, needed to save the world again. 

That wasn’t too much to ask, was it?

That’s how Bucky ended up in the office of one Carlos Sanchez. He was sitting on a couch, like with Dr. Raynor, but that’s where the similarities ended. Dr. Sanchez’s office was colorful and open, and one wall of the room was entirely covered with bookshelves. He’d gone to adjust one of the pillows on the couch before realizing it was a green dinosaur, and it was… heavy?

“Oh, that’s Rodger,” Dr. Sanchez smiles, wheeling out from behind his desk. “He’s weighted, some of my clients find it comforting to hold him on their laps while we talk.”

If Bucky had to guess, he’d say Dr. Sanchez is in his thirties. He’d come highly recommended from Sam, and Bucky’s own internet searching reassured him. A veteran himself, he’d been hit by an IED on his second tour as a medic, causing lower-body paralysis. After being honorably discharged, he went back to school to become a therapist, specializing in PTSD and trauma-informed therapy. On his website, Bucky noticed a little flag with a rainbow on it, and the phrase “queer-friendly” next to it. So far, Dr. Sanchez is checking all of his boxes. 

“Mr. Barnes, I’m really glad you came in,” Bucky shakes his hand. “Before we get started, are there any questions you want answered right away?”

Bucky takes a second to consider before shaking his head. “No, Dr. Sanchez. And please, call me Bucky.”

Dr. Sanchez smiles, making a note on his notepad. “Of course, Bucky. And you are welcome to call me Carlos if you want – I know some clients prefer the formalities, but I want you to know that it’s not necessary here.”

Bucky nods. They spend the first half of the session going over Bucky’s history. Carlos had been sent all of Dr. Raynor’s notes, as well as several files detailing the history of the Winter Soldier, although these were heavily redacted. Carlos asks about his life now, about Sam, and about his current work. Bucky finds him easy to talk to, and when Carlos takes notes, it doesn’t feel like a punishment the same way it had with Dr. Raynor. It feels like Carlos is actually listening to what he’s trying to say. 

Carlos checks his watch. “We have about half an hour left, and I feel pretty caught up on your background – was there anything you want to start talking about today?”

Bucky flounders for a second. Carlos has been nothing but kind to him today, but if he says what he wants to work on – will he laugh? Judge Bucky? “You can say whatever’s on your mind, Bucky. I promise, I’ve heard stranger.”

“I don’t like myself.”

“I see,” Carlos says, making a note. “That’s quite understandable. A lot of veterans struggle with lower self-esteem – that’s something we see in people with PTSD in general. Can you tell me a bit more about that?”

They spend another twenty minutes talking about Bucky’s view of himself before Carlos pauses. “This is a really good start, Bucky. I have an idea I want to run by you.” Bucky nods and Carlos continues. “I’m hearing that self-care is hard for you because you don’t think you deserve it, does that sound right?” Bucky nods again. “So, I’m wondering what it might look like if you started viewing self-care as a form of revenge. Spite, if you will.”

“Spite? In spite of who?”

“In your case, HYDRA. You spent seventy years of your life being denied care and compassion – perhaps it would help to imagine that every time you care for yourself, you’re taking revenge on HYDRA.”

Bucky’s brain tries to wrap itself around the concept. Would it really help him eat better, sleep better, care for himself better if he imagined he was doing it to spite HYDRA? If he’s honest with himself – yeah. “I want – I want to try,” he says. 

Carlos smiles at him. “Alright. Then your homework for this week is to identify at least one self-care task you can improve, keeping in mind this idea of spite. Any questions?” Bucky shakes his head. “Alright, I’ll get you booked for the same time next week, and of course you have my number if you want to meet earlier.”

His first opportunity for spite/self-care (spite-care?) comes the next day. Sam’s been visiting him in Brooklyn, for the first time since their relationship became official. Sam’s helping him unload his groceries for the week, peering into his fridge before saying – “Damn, Buck. You got anything with flavor?”

“What are you talking about?” Bucky gripes, turning to look at Sam. Sam gestures broadly to Bucky’s fridge. “I don’t know man, everything is just, plain, you know?”

Now that Sam’s pointed it out, Bucky supposes that the contents of his fridge aren’t usual. There are a lot of protein shakes, formulated by Shuri especially to deal with his enhanced metabolism. There’s peanut butter and jelly, some fruit, a gallon of milk, and some overnight oats. “What’s wrong with plain food?”

Sam hums, wrapping his arms around Bucky. “Nothing wrong with it. But you seem to really enjoy Sarah’s cooking, so this is surprising to me.”

“I love Sarah’s cooking,” Bucky sighs. He resigns himself to be embarrassed. “I just don’t really know how to cook like she does.” 

“Surely you know how to cook a little bit, right?”

Bucky spins around to look Sam in the eye. “I learned how to cook during the Great Depression, Sam. The extent of my culinary skills is being able to boil potatoes three ways.”

That gets a laugh and a kiss from Sam. “Okay, I see your point. Do you want to know how to cook better?”

“Like Sarah?” Bucky asks. “God, yes.”

“Okay, we’ll make a date of it then. I’ll text her tonight and see what she thinks a good beginner recipe is, and then we can go back to the store tomorrow, yeah? I know her recipes pretty well, but we can video call her too.”

“Really?” Bucky hates how small his voice sounds. There’s the familiar feeling closing in around him, the voice in the back of his mind whispering you don’t deserve this. But he takes a breath and thinks about what Carlos said. Taking care of himself is an act of revenge. HYDRA would have never considered if he liked the food he was eating. Hell, they didn’t even care if he was fed. 

“‘Course, Buck,” Sam’s voice brings him back to the present moment. His phone pings, and he reads a text from Sarah. “Okay, she’s just sent me our grandma’s jambalaya recipe.”

“Sounds like a date,” Bucky murmurs, resting his head against Sam’s shoulder. 

Bucky Barnes is going to make a jambalaya to spite HYDRA.

[aroaceconfessions]

cw: religion, specifically purity culture in evangelical Christianity and the miserably inadequate sex ed that comes along with it

Being an aroace teen with no libido in the midst of purity culture is WILD, because the youth pastor will be going off about saving yourself for marriage and only dating fellow Christians and not looking at porn and whatever, and meanwhile I'm just sitting in the back of the room drawing on notebook paper and wishing I had more snacks.

Like??? In hindsight it's GLARINGLY obvious that I am and always have been aroace. But back then I legitimately didn't understand how anyone could possibly feel romantic or sexual attraction. I never felt "broken" or anything -- I thought other people were the weird ones. I thought that having crushes or being sexually attracted to someone was largely made up for the sake of adding drama to books and movies, and that people couldn't possibly be that way in real life, because I wasn't that way and I was totally normal, right? I just kind of assumed that one day I (afab) would fall in love with a man and we'd get married and have kids and ride off into the sunset together, because that's the picture the church always painted for me.

I'm an adult now. I've deconverted from my parents' religion. I've accepted my identity as a childfree aroace person who may or may not be cis (still working on that part). I've actually EDUCATED myself about other peoples' sexualities and gender identities, as well as things like basic bodily hygiene and pregnancy, which nobody ever taught me about in any meaningful amount of detail. Fuck the system that kept me ignorant and made it easy for me to judge other people for having basic, perfectly natural desires. I feel like I've FINALLY woken up to the fact that I am an individual, who's allowed to have opinions and interests and wants and goddamn emotions. I can be an ally to my queer friends and use their correct names and pronouns and such without feeling like I'm sinning or betraying God or whatever bullshit that religion wanted me to believe. Literally just finding that one little label for myself led me down a path towards FEELING LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING. And while I've definitely still got a ways to go, I am so incredibly grateful for all the progress that I've made so far.

Education on these topics is so fucking important. For EVERYBODY. And I desperately hope that someday it'll become the norm, so that no more kids are failed as badly as I was.

Submitted July 8, 2023