#am gonna regret writing this later but. being trans is a special breed of feeling like you have to prove your masculinity
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i am. thinking about the barbie movie
#am gonna regret writing this later but. being trans is a special breed of feeling like you have to prove your masculinity#and it's extra fucked up cause whenever you feel like that you immediately feel like shit afterwards cause you know the other side and you#grew up knowing you were queer and now you feel like you're being antithetical to what the queer community is all about and the progress it#has made. like obviously [insert any number of things lol] does not make someone any less of a man. you know that and you know that you'd#never judge anyone else by that standard but at the same time clearly you still fucking believe in it since you judge yourself by it and#what if you're just judging other people unconsciously#and this ties back in to the movie cause the end w ken also rebrought up the question of 'do i actually want a romantic relationship or do#just feel like i *should* have one' and i'm kind of leaning towards the second option. bc it feels Good but in like.. i don't even know how#to describe it. like it's what i should be doing but not because *i* actually want to personally?#and i know that whatever kind/amount of attraction i have is bi but whenever i imagine the kind of relationship that would feel most 'right#(in that weird way) it's always w a girl. which is literally fucking just the beginning of these tags restated. bc that feels like the thin#i 'should' be doing as a guy (lmfaooo mistyped that as gay ๐) n i think the 'this feels right' is literally just gender euphoria which#again is fucking stupid as a shit bc obviously liking girls is not more masculine than liking guys and ofc i don't actually believe that#but then clearly i fucking DO because why the hell else would i feel that way for myself#anyway gonna go play in traffic ๐ dear god please hit me with a bus. thanks
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