#i’ve been doing so shit mentally anyway
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i am so unbelievably homesick right in the morning like why
#i just wanted to have some coffee and smell the rain in peace#that is all i wanted from this morning#i didn’t need to be hit by an intense wave of nostalgia and sadness#fucking sobbing fr#i’ve been doing so shit mentally anyway#constantly overwhelmed because i can feel a special interest of mine fading#a special interest of 2 and a half years and i just. i miss it.#it used to occupy my brain constantly and it was literally a huge part of my mind#in all it’s crooks and wrinkles#and now it’s slowly fading and i try to hold on because i don’t want to let go#i have had similar experiences with this spin#like maybe once a year it fades a bit#for a whole month even#but it always comes back#and now i’m just really really scared that it won’t#sorry for the vent i am just so sad rn#🫧
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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Been having a rough couple of days. Send me asks?
#Long story short: I’m quitting my job! Yippee!! 🎉#Don’t wanna get TOO into it but I’m so fucking tired of being treated like shit and getting blamed for things completely out of my control#I’m done. I’ve BEEN done for months at this point#And now it’s at the point where my boss doesn’t think I’m doing my job right bc she keeps finding issues that again. Aren’t my fault#I’m sorry I can’t control everything for you! I don’t have that kind of power! I can’t make things magically happen the way you want!!#My other coworkers have been undergoing the same bullshit treatment so I know I’m not alone#But yeah I’m getting the hell out of dodge. My mental health has been sooooooo bad lately#I cannae. I’m going to end up dead in a ditch at this rate#Had the WORST panic attack of my life yesterday and my mom and I were both like. Yeah. It’s time for you to leave#Have fun running the department without me! Bye!! :)))))#Shima speaks#Vent#Anyway I’m a goddamn mess. Sorry. Lol!#I’m dreading going back to work on Monday I would literally rather claw my own eyeballs out#It SUCKS bc I know none of this is my fault but I still feel like shit anyway.#And I WANT to draw bc it’s the one thing that makes me happy but I just#Can’t. Right now. I’m not in a good emotional state#It feels like physical torture to sit down at my desk and put my pen to my tablet#Slams my head into the wall#I’m soooo tired girlies. I’m so over it#Anyway. Send me asks. Keep me company while I try not to have another breakdown. Tee hee <3
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(tw blood)
just a silly little guy <3
(explanation in the tags + more stuff under the cut because i’m indecisive as hell)
#the rat doing an angst art for once?? damnn#was gonna shove fyodor’s body in there too but i couldn’t get it right and was unfortunately out of fucks to give#anyway this is based on a possible ending to bsd me and dia came up with the other day#basically the classic nikolai-kills-fyodor-but-doesn’t-know-where-to-go-from-there trope#but instead of nikolai’s despair manifesting as just ‘damn. now what’#he realizes fyodor was indeed not the thing keeping him from his freedom and neither was the government the law society etc#kolyas definition of freedom is being above literally anything and everything that could possibly hold him back#in simple terms. he’s trying to be a god without realizing it#hence why he treats normal human emotions such as guilt and regret for his crimes as chains holding him down#and shoves them under a cardboard personality that doesn’t experience these at all#so now that he realizes he himself is the only thing stopping him from attaining his definition of freedom#he’s like oh shit does that mean the very reason i’ve been living was nothing more than an illusion? and other misc mental breakdown vibes#if you read all that. damn wow i mean thanks#i diagnose you with gogol stan#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#nikolai gogol#nikolai gogol bsd#bsd nikolai gogol#nikolai bsd#bsd nikolai#bsd gogol#gogol bsd#bsd nikolai fanart#bsd fanart#fyolai#tw blood#bsd [rat edition]
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where is my fat husband
#stream#i’m lonely !!!! i want a man !!!!!!#me: where’s my man#me at the same time: not leaving the house nor dating apps & also is having a mental breakdown everyday while self medicating#also i’m 90% sure my meds are starting to fail again ALSKALKSLAKSLAKLSAKLSMAKSKK#ANYWAY#i didn’t even go to gay bars when i was allowed to drink like 😭😭😭#it’s all a bunch of straight people#there’s no point#like i constantly here old queens going ‘young gays don’t do xyz’ or ‘don’t know how to xyz’ like ok girl its because that shit died like#idk probably before the pandemic truly it was dying but the pandemic was the nail in the coffin like girl …….. i turned 21 a month into#lockdowns like#ok so i did stuff illegally & went to other shit but it still was straight bars 90% of the time there’s like 6 gay bars in houston total 😭😭😭#like idk what they expect like if … those venues aren’t there & are increasingly AGAINST doing the goofy tings …. how would the YOUNG KNOW#like at this point idk i truly think that it’s kinda on the elders at this point ALSKALSKLAKSAKSLAN like yea they’re boomers at the end of#the day so like i’m not saying that they didn’t have it hard they did they did ok but. get over it ? ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLA like alright … but#i’m saying this as someone who knows the history & bullshit like ok yea everyone needs to understand what it’s like to have your community#die before ur eyes but at the same time. there’s no community now ? ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLLA like girl …#girl …….#yall HAD a community but now all that shit is gone & none of us young ppl have any funds to make that 😭😭😭#like girl i have 12$ in my bank account i dream of being able to rent a flat at some point like a ONE BEDROOM u know W A LIVING ROOM & yall#own rentals so like this is UP TO YALL …..#like ur the problem ? 😭😭😭😭😭#@gays for trump & loghouse republicans i’m looking at YALL#a lot of these mfs are liberal too - pro invasion of iraq democrat back the blue bootlickin NIMBA faggots 😭😭😭💔#anyway that’s just me bitching#i’ve been so fucking IRRITABLE today
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Me when the only friend I talk to who regularly texts me back texts me “I think I’m not going to talk to you for a while” literally out of nowhere
#genuinely can’t tell if she’s joking or if she means for her mental health she’s taking a break from her phone because she’s done that#before but she’s never said it in that way and I’m like genuinely upset#she texted me she was getting McDonald’s and I said ‘what meal’ and she responded that she wasn’t going to talk to me for a while#like what the fuck#anyways I love trying to have and maintain friendships as an adult with autism#I’ve never been able to do it and it’s SO MUCH HARDER now because I’m not around new people all the time to even attempt to make new friends#I have other friends and stuff that I’m closer to but like she was the only one who consistently communicates with me#anyways 😔#no like I got off work and have been home less than an hour and this is what I get like okay#gonna go smoke as bowl in my bathrobe and drink some Dr.pepper and get over it#I can’t keep letting shit like this hurt my feelings#my entire last two years of college was ruined by bad friendships I refuse to let any more of my time be ruined by them
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*stops blaring music/reading/watching TV/doomscrolling for one second*
*the thoughts*
I think I’ll have a breakdown now.
#the job search is fucking destroying my mental health guys#my mom’s friend said needed an editor back in may. didn’t officially post the application until july. got an interview with next steps.#thought i saw the light. have heard nothing and it’s been FOUR MONTHS since i was told about this post even tho they ‘urgently need’ someone#my parents are losing their shit on me being too lazy to get a job even tho all the others i’ve applied to have auto-rejected or ghosted me#my mental health is in severe decline I JUST WANT TO BE PAID BEFORE MY BILLS KICK IN NEXT MONTH#job i applied to today had me fill out my last 5 jobs manually#THEN asked me to enter my résumé after#and when i did it reset and fucked up the stuff i’d already entered so i had to do it AGAIN#i hate job applications. just give me a position and i promise i’ll be awesome#anyway if anyone needs any sort of english major job remote or around dallas please call me up. i’ll do it
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I’ve been no contact with my family for about three weeks now and ive been coping with in about as well as you’d expect (with depression)
#I mean i cut contact because they aren’t great people to talk to anyway#but it’s still depressing! and stressful cutting off your toxic family!#I dream about them every night and I’m SICK of that shit#it’s never good dreams! they’re always yelling at me! I know why I cut contact stop reminding me!#been doing a lot of: sleeping 10 hours every night#drinking a bunch#hitting my vape pen and joints a lot#so….sounds about right#one day (hopefully soon 🤞🏻) I will publish long form essays about all the mental illness I’ve been put through my whole life!!#and when I do I’ll share it with you all FIRST :)
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Doing some Serious Painting for the first time in uh over a decade and holy shit y’all I’m…good? Like, I periodically step back to check things and go “hot damn!”.
#I think stepping away from art for a while helped me tbh#I also think my fine motor skills finished baking a bit in my 20s#and just generally maturing w/r/t patience and other things#(for anyone new here I started college as an art major then changed majors like twice and ultimately dropped out bc mental health)#(I’ve been doing a little sketching and shit here and there but nothing major)#anyway I had the bright idea to do some oil portraits for Xmas gifts and here we are#literally the last time I finished an oil painting was in…2011? 2012? something like that#so I wasn’t 100% sure going into this#and now I’m really excited#I’ll post a pic later when I’m done for the night
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my mom found the thing that started the fight that got me kicked out. so i was right. in my fantasies this happens and it’s great in real life im gonna jump her
#personal#now i gotta call amazon like no sorry my mom looked again and found it#it’s happened to me i get it. you look everywhere and it’s just not there#but oh my god. i was like shit did i send it??? i only remember the other camera? i only remember that one in there#then it’s like well maybe i did take it on accident#and then i was like am i getting so high all the time again that i sent it too???? and don’t remember? that’s pathetic mm#so i called them and god hard to find their number but call and get a note put in the system like hey might have done an oppsie#and that took forever and i did it next day after the fight bc i did feel bad#which was at workkkk 😔#now i gotta call them back nutssssss#also getting my dads ashes separated for my siblings#which either need to do flex time to do that or take day off#which i’ve been doing a lot like hey im sick!#hey! my house got broken into!!#hi again!!! it happened again!!!!#luckily one was a mental health day so ur boys only called out twice yeahhhhhhh#but anyway honestly just happy i let them know the urn situation is 100% on you#said nicer#but i was like hey if u have one just send it to me or the cremation place has some just see if u like any#and i’ll see if it’s easier to pay online or give it to me and i pay them#but urns easily 100 bucks if not more. granted looked at metal before wood but still. ain’t noooooooooooooo way#if it was like. 20 bucks i could see myself being like okay ill fork it over and deliver the goods (dad)#and i’ll rant this everytime but especially when i asked about this when we were funeral planning and before i got them and got told to#basically shut up. no. that trip was super hard didn’t wanna have to do it a couple times#i remember i came home with dad sobbing he was buckled in and i got him out and was just holding him#and i let everyone know hey dads home he’s safe#and i’m distraught holding my dad but distraught and talking to him#and first thing my brother says is when can we get some of the ashes too?#no asking me hey. u alright? no im happy dads home safe nothing just. sooooo#oh i could have killed i could have KILLED.
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I WANNA BE HAPPT IM READY TO WALK INTO MY ROOM WITHOUT LOOKING FOR YOU GO IP TO THE TOP OF MY BUILDINF AND REMEMBER MY DOG WHEN I SEE THE FULL MOON
#really sad tonight#i miss justice and iris and king#something is hitting me really hard about not having a dog rn#i think it’s that this weekend we’re visiting our parent org and the last i was there was to drop off king#and also im planning on starting to clear his stuff out of my room#i haven’t been able to bring myself to do it yet#and i know all three of my pups are doing awesome#but one of them any of them should still me with me rn#also i’m stressed that the president of the puppy raising club will fuck me over for getting an 8 week old this summer#bc i’m living in a student apartment so dog stuff goes through the student accessibility services#and we’re not sure if they will ok an 8 week old but i don’t think they actually need to know the age of the dog#so we can simply not tell them that it’s a baby bc i doubt it’ll cause any big issues#and i have to pay a pet fee anyway for my apartment so like#but i’m concerned her rule following will somehow fuck it over for me#even tho she’s graduating before i’d even be getting the dog#and if she fucks it over and i have to wait even longer for a dog i’m gonna end up in a shit place mentally#bc rn im just taking time to recover from the hard time i’ve hard raising so far#but by this summer i think i’ll be ready and start hitting a point where not having a dog will be worse mentally than having one#anyway rant over#but yeah this bit of the song is hitting#bc yeah i walk into my room and see the dog kennel#and king should be in it#but he’s not bc he flunked out#and i just am constantly thinking about him or justice or iris#i just feel like shit rn#i also ate too many cadbury mini eggs so my stomach hurts#i think i’m mostly past the point of blaming myself for my dogs’ issues tho so#that’s progress
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i want to go home and get high i am in so much pain holy shit periods should be illegal
#tmi in tags#but ive always had a heavy flow#like not concerning so#but like definitely heavy#and it had been less so recently (especially since i got off birth control and until i found out about my iron deficiency I thought it was#left over hormones or something). but turns out it was just my body compensating for the iron deficiency (which is either my body being#awesome or me being super iron deficient cause generally that doesn’t seem like how it works)#but anyway im doing better on the iron but apparently that means that not just my heavy flow but my like INTENSE period pain is back#both my legs are killing me and nausea and a bit of a headache#I just generally feel like im dying#and i generally have just gotten worse at dealing with pain cause im i. less of it now which is both good and bad lol#but like this genuinely a lot of it like this is on par with how my periods used to be lol#but i have three classes today including my three hour class#so like. i need to stay functioning#im supposed to be writing a paper and reading shit#and instead I’m just#staring off into space mentally screaming#there’s a bird though I’ve decided we’re friends#im going to at least two of my classes#one i might skip even though it’s my favorite and the professor has already knocked my grade down 10% for not attending#im gonna talk to her cause i have attendance accomodations#and ive only missed when i accidentally sedated myself and when i went to see my mom cause i was scared i was gonna kill myself if i didn’t#so i feel like those two days plus today when im dying are valid reasons#and if i have another day i missed that i forgot about then like i feel like there should be at least one unexcused absence allowed and if#there isn’t im gonna argue with her cause wtf#anyway#booms bad days#if birth control hadn’t made me suicidal I would say I’d want to go back on it lmao
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Heading to school now to finalize my decision to retake the year. Set your bets NOW on whether I’ll start crying again, completely shut down and will be unable to speak, or the third, secret option! (Not even I know what the third secret option is yet, but we’ll see!)
#it’s so funny like. this is entirely my decision#I don’t have to retake the year. but if things keep going like this I’m going to crash ceremoniously into a wall by the time#finals come around. so yeah#my parents straightup had no opinion on the matter and I don’t know whether to be glad or upset about that?#because like. yeah sure they didn’t scream or flip their shit. but I don’t want to have to make decisions like that without any#outside perspective yknow#but it’s been like that for years honestly#they’re completely uninvolved in everything I do basically#like my brother in Christ I’ve exclusively used a different name in school for over two years and you literally never noticed#it says my chosen name on all my projects! my assignments! everywhere#honestly I knew I could get away with it because they’d just be completely uninterested in what I do anyway lol#*lol#but. yeah#my portfolio is severely lacking and I can’t just catch that up like that#as I said my mental health is in shambles and our mental health support in this country is even worse off#and I honestly just feel kind of left alone in this decision making shit#like sure I’m an adult! but it’s not like I had much support with my decisions even before I was#no support while making a decision and only judgement after you make the decision#tbf the whole reason I’m so upset about this decision is because it means I’ll have to live at home for another year#I’d be a-okay with taking the rest of the semester off to get myself back on track and then put all I have into retaking the year#but like this I just feel really fucking tired#oops I guess this turned into a little bit of a#vent#sorry oops#delete later
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I am alive
Now I paint bitches
#working on mental health#*cue training montage *#literally that’s what I’ve been doing#also I got married this year (I mean December bu whatever) so I’ve been doing married cat lady things#as in he stole my damn cats#what a friendly bastard#anyway life is great and I’m doing shit#touching grass#i guess?
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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turns out it’s probably a small fracture ❤️ gotta call orthopedics tomorrow to make sure it’s nothing worse 🤩
#stream#i’m literally just#can i go a single year without going to the fucking er or a health problem of some kind#like oh my god#so i’m just going to break something every year#like ok thanks once i hit 30 im going to b the fish in the full body cast w glass jones & paper skin#like physically mentally & emotionally my body has been broken down#& i fucking HATE asking for help or getting help like#i fully intended on coming home today & doing laundry & shit but i fucking can’t bc i can barely stand#i’m hopping around 1 legged i’m in this fucking brace so i can’t bend my knee at all i’m fucking immobile & i rely entirely on my family & i#fucking hate it im absolutely fucking miserable like i HATE having to be dependent#but now i’m having to accept the help bc i physically cannot do anything & i feel fucking worse bc i’ve such a bad attitude bc im fucking#miserable i can’t smoke cigarettes i’m breaking down i’m nearly out of weed im exhausted in general im just#y’all#like i can’t do this anymore 😭😭😭#like ok i can’t have my health i can’t have my sanity bro i can’t even have MONEY what CAN I HAVE#AGENCY ?? GONE#anyway#i cant even fucking drink w the amount of ibuprofen i’m taking now#lord knows my stomach can’t take THAT#IT CANT TAKE ANYTHING SINCE SHE GOT WRECKED TOO
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