#i’ve been doing so shit mentally anyway
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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Been having a rough couple of days. Send me asks?
#Long story short: I’m quitting my job! Yippee!! 🎉#Don’t wanna get TOO into it but I’m so fucking tired of being treated like shit and getting blamed for things completely out of my control#I’m done. I’ve BEEN done for months at this point#And now it’s at the point where my boss doesn’t think I’m doing my job right bc she keeps finding issues that again. Aren’t my fault#I’m sorry I can’t control everything for you! I don’t have that kind of power! I can’t make things magically happen the way you want!!#My other coworkers have been undergoing the same bullshit treatment so I know I’m not alone#But yeah I’m getting the hell out of dodge. My mental health has been sooooooo bad lately#I cannae. I’m going to end up dead in a ditch at this rate#Had the WORST panic attack of my life yesterday and my mom and I were both like. Yeah. It’s time for you to leave#Have fun running the department without me! Bye!! :)))))#Shima speaks#Vent#Anyway I’m a goddamn mess. Sorry. Lol!#I’m dreading going back to work on Monday I would literally rather claw my own eyeballs out#It SUCKS bc I know none of this is my fault but I still feel like shit anyway.#And I WANT to draw bc it’s the one thing that makes me happy but I just#Can’t. Right now. I’m not in a good emotional state#It feels like physical torture to sit down at my desk and put my pen to my tablet#Slams my head into the wall#I’m soooo tired girlies. I’m so over it#Anyway. Send me asks. Keep me company while I try not to have another breakdown. Tee hee <3
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where is my fat husband
#stream#i’m lonely !!!! i want a man !!!!!!#me: where’s my man#me at the same time: not leaving the house nor dating apps & also is having a mental breakdown everyday while self medicating#also i’m 90% sure my meds are starting to fail again ALSKALKSLAKSLAKLSAKLSMAKSKK#ANYWAY#i didn’t even go to gay bars when i was allowed to drink like 😭😭😭#it’s all a bunch of straight people#there’s no point#like i constantly here old queens going ‘young gays don’t do xyz’ or ‘don’t know how to xyz’ like ok girl its because that shit died like#idk probably before the pandemic truly it was dying but the pandemic was the nail in the coffin like girl …….. i turned 21 a month into#lockdowns like#ok so i did stuff illegally & went to other shit but it still was straight bars 90% of the time there’s like 6 gay bars in houston total 😭😭😭#like idk what they expect like if … those venues aren’t there & are increasingly AGAINST doing the goofy tings …. how would the YOUNG KNOW#like at this point idk i truly think that it’s kinda on the elders at this point ALSKALSKLAKSAKSLAN like yea they’re boomers at the end of#the day so like i’m not saying that they didn’t have it hard they did they did ok but. get over it ? ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLA like alright … but#i’m saying this as someone who knows the history & bullshit like ok yea everyone needs to understand what it’s like to have your community#die before ur eyes but at the same time. there’s no community now ? ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLLA like girl …#girl …….#yall HAD a community but now all that shit is gone & none of us young ppl have any funds to make that 😭😭😭#like girl i have 12$ in my bank account i dream of being able to rent a flat at some point like a ONE BEDROOM u know W A LIVING ROOM & yall#own rentals so like this is UP TO YALL …..#like ur the problem ? 😭😭😭😭😭#@gays for trump & loghouse republicans i’m looking at YALL#a lot of these mfs are liberal too - pro invasion of iraq democrat back the blue bootlickin NIMBA faggots 😭😭😭💔#anyway that’s just me bitching#i’ve been so fucking IRRITABLE today
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when I was in high school there was a tendency whenever there was an attractive boy to simply fan over him. in a way that talked over everything he might say for himself and created a narrative that completely ignored, the fact in some cases, that he was really struggling—or if he was struggling, to pin all the blame on the girl he’s dating and completely ignore the thousands of other factors (no it can’t be mental illness or unaccommodated disability or systemic abuse or exploitation and if he is in an abusive relationship we won’t ever consider the factors that put him at risk for that)
and I’m not saying this fandom is like that. I get the need for privacy around some things and how in public conversations sometimes it’s a lot more respectful to stick to the positives (everyone who does that, I admire you) or even the struggles that are talked about publicly, show respect by not reading too far into them. there’s a time and place for that. but sometimes I feel like our only options are shitty and ableist gossip or totally ignoring the systemic and structural issues we know exist in something like the music industry until someone dies and then we’re looking for someone to blame. friends, there is a point where the respectful thing is to listen to what someone says and come together to make things better. and you can learn how to have that conversation respectfully. please do
#forever haunted by ‘I wasn’t always a cynic it’s just I’ve been bought and sold’#and actually this highlights my whole frustration with the conversation around mental health just about anywhere#like you tell people something sucks and they’re completely unwilling to even try to challenge the status quo in order to help#and idk. I tell myself they’re going to be fine. they’re so resilient. I’m doing all I can; I’m not on the ground there I’m at a distance#but at the same time is it not bittersweet sometimes to enjoy music born from trauma? to be at a live show knowing they shouldn’t be?#to me these stories have to be told for the reason that yes so people relate but also so we can do better for the next generation#anyway I’ve gotten deep into inxs lore lately and I can say. yes it is better for 5sos simply for the fact men can talk about emotions#but that didn’t come without a MASSIVE fight don’t you ever forget that. it’s gonna still carry shame. they’re choosing to fight that#but the sad songs we got as a result?? idk they’re the thing that turned me parasocial because there’s rarely absolutely nothing you can do#like if we’re ever gonna give them a gold star for talking about this stuff as early as sgfg til today we gotta ask ourselves to look at#larger systemic issues and stuff that we ARE a part of and while we can’t be there for them when they have a bad day. we can work on#anyway the high school example still haunts me. still drives some of what I do now. we were just kids. but most of us here aren’t anymore#and the newbrokenscene is grown up now and tbh the status quo should be TERRIFIED#so idk. at the very least sign the petition for liams law. advocate for better. address local issues of injustice and addiction etc#which in some ways I’m lucky that I get to do that in sydney so it feels connected but this is just as valuable anywhere#tbh the 2010s era of bubblegum pop and ignoring all our problems is over. you’re punk now. even katy released chained to the rhythm#thinking about the nfp I’m trying to start and how to start small. for disadvantaged kids maybe? intervening via urban design?#(don’t you ever forget 5sos WERE disadvantaged kids not even 20 years ago. that shit sticks to you no matter how much you achieve)#albums and activism#anyway it fascinates me to see how differently people do this kind of thing to each band member. like the vibe is different but still track#for this whole phenomenon like whether they’re seen as pretty or strong or cute or smth else that becomes the main thing not their words#and I say that but tumblr is pretty good overall. I just wish sometimes we could have a more active conversation before any tragedy#so gosh I’m ranting so much but PLEASE talk about this with me. I notice far too much and I can’t say any of it publicly#so occasionally I come out with a rant like this
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sometimes it’s late at night and you’re cleaning your room and you come across a few old black and white photos of a young girl and you stare at them for a long minute wondering how on earth they got lost in an old Kroger shopping bag with an unopened pack of cigarettes and a receipt dated 2017.
and you look at the girl in the pictures sat on the floor of someone’s home you don’t recognize, smiling and playing with a set of keys and a tiny part of you feels like it recognizes her but you aren’t sure.
and you flip the pictures over hoping to find some sort of annotation that would give you context and all you find is the year 1964 stamped in tiny font along the edge.
and you flip them back over and time stands still as you realize that the recognition you feel is because she looks so much like you once did and next thing you know your hands are sweating and shaking and you have to sit on the floor because you’re crying so hard because it hits you all at once that you’re looking at your mother.
#hey Siri play In Color by Jamey Johnson for me please#music stuff#you should’ve seeeeen it in cooolllloor#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#normal Sunday night behavior#me? up all night hyperfocused on cleaning out my depression cave to achieve a sense of change and accomplishment -#- and ignoring every other aspect of my life including abandoning time sensitive tasks lest i get distracted and lose all motivation???#more likely than you think!#i’ve been at this since new years and i’m only like. halfway done. Gods help me#like i don’t mean ‘cleaning’ as in doing some light dusting. i mean there’s junk and trash piled 2/3rds of the way to the ceiling#when i call this room my depression/mental illness cave i Mean it#but no longer. i shall finally return this room to an acceptable state for the first time since. uh. 2022? i think?#i found a plastic container of dates buried under some laundry and the sticker says they’re from March of last year lmao#i forgot about those/thought i threw them away. but they were thankfully sealed so well that they hadn’t drawn any bugs#and oddly enough hadn’t even visibly molded/gone bad. but i didn’t open them up for a smell test i just chucked ‘em in my giant trash bag#i’m finding all kinds of shit i forgot i even had which is nice but it’s also distracting me like those pictures did#i’ll have to show them to her and ask her about them tomorrow#and ur probably like ‘u found old pics of a girl that looks like you why didn’t you immediately recognize ur own mom’#and 1. there’s countless pics of countless old relatives around this house that i barely/don’t recognize and never even met#and 2. i’ve barely ever seen any pics of my mom from such a young age so i have no images to reference in my mind#and it just fucked me up bc. i don’t look like her anymore. i only see Him in the mirror. but i Used to look like her. i’m turning into him#and i fucking hate it so much. i don’t like that she looks at me and sees him. great now i feel sick.#anyways thats enough reminiscing i need to get some water and food in me and get back to cleaning. i shan’t rest until i’m satisfied#well. my period + depression combo kinda Did make me rest which is why it’s taken 5 days but still. the horrors persist but so do i#it’s not just for the sense of accomplishment tho. i also need to move the 75gal tank out of the living room thanks to the floor situation#so i’m trying to make room in my room for it since it has the newest & strongest floor. i just need to find a level spot thats big enough#my back is gonna be so fucked after all this cleaning that i’ll have to rest for a fucking week before moving that heavy ass glass box#i hate moving big aquariums it makes me so anxious. and i literally don’t know if i’ll have anyone capable of helping me#so it might not even happen and it’ll just have to sit empty in the living room forever. but Maybe he can/will help me
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#work has been insane so of course my mind has been thinking about The Past#I don’t make a habit of Looking around places I’ve effectively sworn off usually but#idk its bittersweet#time passes and I’m gone and new things come but some things have stayed the same and it’s not a bad feeling just unexpected#it’s weird when I can directly see My Impact though#an echo of it at least#anyway my Instagram algorithm is fucked so that’s bringing me back to toxic shit from 2018 and I don’t need that in my life#I’m better at my mental illness when I’m not around other people with the mental illness. which is stupid and hilarious lol#like ah yes yall are still fucked in exactly the same way you were 6 years ago. carry on#I’m also still fucked that way but I shall be doing that in my own hermit cave without everyone lmao
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*stops blaring music/reading/watching TV/doomscrolling for one second*
*the thoughts*
I think I’ll have a breakdown now.
#the job search is fucking destroying my mental health guys#my mom’s friend said needed an editor back in may. didn’t officially post the application until july. got an interview with next steps.#thought i saw the light. have heard nothing and it’s been FOUR MONTHS since i was told about this post even tho they ‘urgently need’ someone#my parents are losing their shit on me being too lazy to get a job even tho all the others i’ve applied to have auto-rejected or ghosted me#my mental health is in severe decline I JUST WANT TO BE PAID BEFORE MY BILLS KICK IN NEXT MONTH#job i applied to today had me fill out my last 5 jobs manually#THEN asked me to enter my résumé after#and when i did it reset and fucked up the stuff i’d already entered so i had to do it AGAIN#i hate job applications. just give me a position and i promise i’ll be awesome#anyway if anyone needs any sort of english major job remote or around dallas please call me up. i’ll do it
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I’ve been no contact with my family for about three weeks now and ive been coping with in about as well as you’d expect (with depression)
#I mean i cut contact because they aren’t great people to talk to anyway#but it’s still depressing! and stressful cutting off your toxic family!#I dream about them every night and I’m SICK of that shit#it’s never good dreams! they’re always yelling at me! I know why I cut contact stop reminding me!#been doing a lot of: sleeping 10 hours every night#drinking a bunch#hitting my vape pen and joints a lot#so….sounds about right#one day (hopefully soon 🤞🏻) I will publish long form essays about all the mental illness I’ve been put through my whole life!!#and when I do I’ll share it with you all FIRST :)
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i want to go home and get high i am in so much pain holy shit periods should be illegal
#tmi in tags#but ive always had a heavy flow#like not concerning so#but like definitely heavy#and it had been less so recently (especially since i got off birth control and until i found out about my iron deficiency I thought it was#left over hormones or something). but turns out it was just my body compensating for the iron deficiency (which is either my body being#awesome or me being super iron deficient cause generally that doesn’t seem like how it works)#but anyway im doing better on the iron but apparently that means that not just my heavy flow but my like INTENSE period pain is back#both my legs are killing me and nausea and a bit of a headache#I just generally feel like im dying#and i generally have just gotten worse at dealing with pain cause im i. less of it now which is both good and bad lol#but like this genuinely a lot of it like this is on par with how my periods used to be lol#but i have three classes today including my three hour class#so like. i need to stay functioning#im supposed to be writing a paper and reading shit#and instead I’m just#staring off into space mentally screaming#there’s a bird though I’ve decided we’re friends#im going to at least two of my classes#one i might skip even though it’s my favorite and the professor has already knocked my grade down 10% for not attending#im gonna talk to her cause i have attendance accomodations#and ive only missed when i accidentally sedated myself and when i went to see my mom cause i was scared i was gonna kill myself if i didn’t#so i feel like those two days plus today when im dying are valid reasons#and if i have another day i missed that i forgot about then like i feel like there should be at least one unexcused absence allowed and if#there isn’t im gonna argue with her cause wtf#anyway#booms bad days#if birth control hadn’t made me suicidal I would say I’d want to go back on it lmao
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Heading to school now to finalize my decision to retake the year. Set your bets NOW on whether I’ll start crying again, completely shut down and will be unable to speak, or the third, secret option! (Not even I know what the third secret option is yet, but we’ll see!)
#it’s so funny like. this is entirely my decision#I don’t have to retake the year. but if things keep going like this I’m going to crash ceremoniously into a wall by the time#finals come around. so yeah#my parents straightup had no opinion on the matter and I don’t know whether to be glad or upset about that?#because like. yeah sure they didn’t scream or flip their shit. but I don’t want to have to make decisions like that without any#outside perspective yknow#but it’s been like that for years honestly#they’re completely uninvolved in everything I do basically#like my brother in Christ I’ve exclusively used a different name in school for over two years and you literally never noticed#it says my chosen name on all my projects! my assignments! everywhere#honestly I knew I could get away with it because they’d just be completely uninterested in what I do anyway lol#*lol#but. yeah#my portfolio is severely lacking and I can’t just catch that up like that#as I said my mental health is in shambles and our mental health support in this country is even worse off#and I honestly just feel kind of left alone in this decision making shit#like sure I’m an adult! but it’s not like I had much support with my decisions even before I was#no support while making a decision and only judgement after you make the decision#tbf the whole reason I’m so upset about this decision is because it means I’ll have to live at home for another year#I’d be a-okay with taking the rest of the semester off to get myself back on track and then put all I have into retaking the year#but like this I just feel really fucking tired#oops I guess this turned into a little bit of a#vent#sorry oops#delete later
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I am alive
Now I paint bitches
#working on mental health#*cue training montage *#literally that’s what I’ve been doing#also I got married this year (I mean December bu whatever) so I’ve been doing married cat lady things#as in he stole my damn cats#what a friendly bastard#anyway life is great and I’m doing shit#touching grass#i guess?
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I WANNA BE HAPPT IM READY TO WALK INTO MY ROOM WITHOUT LOOKING FOR YOU GO IP TO THE TOP OF MY BUILDINF AND REMEMBER MY DOG WHEN I SEE THE FULL MOON
#really sad tonight#i miss justice and iris and king#something is hitting me really hard about not having a dog rn#i think it’s that this weekend we’re visiting our parent org and the last i was there was to drop off king#and also im planning on starting to clear his stuff out of my room#i haven’t been able to bring myself to do it yet#and i know all three of my pups are doing awesome#but one of them any of them should still me with me rn#also i’m stressed that the president of the puppy raising club will fuck me over for getting an 8 week old this summer#bc i’m living in a student apartment so dog stuff goes through the student accessibility services#and we’re not sure if they will ok an 8 week old but i don’t think they actually need to know the age of the dog#so we can simply not tell them that it’s a baby bc i doubt it’ll cause any big issues#and i have to pay a pet fee anyway for my apartment so like#but i’m concerned her rule following will somehow fuck it over for me#even tho she’s graduating before i’d even be getting the dog#and if she fucks it over and i have to wait even longer for a dog i’m gonna end up in a shit place mentally#bc rn im just taking time to recover from the hard time i’ve hard raising so far#but by this summer i think i’ll be ready and start hitting a point where not having a dog will be worse mentally than having one#anyway rant over#but yeah this bit of the song is hitting#bc yeah i walk into my room and see the dog kennel#and king should be in it#but he’s not bc he flunked out#and i just am constantly thinking about him or justice or iris#i just feel like shit rn#i also ate too many cadbury mini eggs so my stomach hurts#i think i’m mostly past the point of blaming myself for my dogs’ issues tho so#that’s progress
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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turns out it’s probably a small fracture ❤️ gotta call orthopedics tomorrow to make sure it’s nothing worse 🤩
#stream#i’m literally just#can i go a single year without going to the fucking er or a health problem of some kind#like oh my god#so i’m just going to break something every year#like ok thanks once i hit 30 im going to b the fish in the full body cast w glass jones & paper skin#like physically mentally & emotionally my body has been broken down#& i fucking HATE asking for help or getting help like#i fully intended on coming home today & doing laundry & shit but i fucking can’t bc i can barely stand#i’m hopping around 1 legged i’m in this fucking brace so i can’t bend my knee at all i’m fucking immobile & i rely entirely on my family & i#fucking hate it im absolutely fucking miserable like i HATE having to be dependent#but now i’m having to accept the help bc i physically cannot do anything & i feel fucking worse bc i’ve such a bad attitude bc im fucking#miserable i can’t smoke cigarettes i’m breaking down i’m nearly out of weed im exhausted in general im just#y’all#like i can’t do this anymore 😭😭😭#like ok i can’t have my health i can’t have my sanity bro i can’t even have MONEY what CAN I HAVE#AGENCY ?? GONE#anyway#i cant even fucking drink w the amount of ibuprofen i’m taking now#lord knows my stomach can’t take THAT#IT CANT TAKE ANYTHING SINCE SHE GOT WRECKED TOO
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#I gotta vent for a fucking second cause holy shit#my one doctor wants me to try therapy cause I have depression and anxiety and I’m unmedicated#everything they tried gave me really bad side effects and the side effects so yeah#and personally I’m not really interested in therapy#I actually think it might make me worse and I’ve been doing better lately anyways#but the doctor performing my hysterectomy is the one who wants me to try it and I’m afraid she’ll deny my surgery if I say no#so whatever I’ll give it a try I figure#literally everywhere here is not taking new patients 🫠#everywhere I’ve tried has been a no so I messaged my primary care doctor and asked him cause he originally treated my mental health#and all the therapists he usually recommends aren’t taking new patients either but he gives me the phone number for a place to try#fUCKING HORRIBLE#the place has a 1 star review so you know we’re off to a bad start 🫠#I call anyways and the person is like ‘oh yeah we can take you I just need your email address to send you the paperwork’#give to her and proceed to not get any emails from this place until she calls me back and asks for my email address again#somehow they completely butchered multiple time even with me spelling it out phonetically and it is not a hard email address#literally was on the phone for like 20 mins doing this#I finally get the paperwork and not only is it 45 pages long (and half of it I’m questioning) but the computer won’t let me fill it out#call them back again and get told oh it must be technical errors which like I get happen but it takes them two more hours to fix#and it still wasn’t even fully fixed it wouldn’t let me add my signature to anything so like#idk I sent it back and told them that! hopefully they let me sign in office#but also like the paperwork was such bullshit?#it had their prices and cancellation policy in it four times#and like half the stuff I feel like was not relevant for therapy to know?#also it’s absurdly expensive and I def can’t afford it with my upcoming surgery#so I guess I’m gonna go once or twice and then be like yeah I can’t afford to keep coming#honestly I’m not impressed with the place at all and feel like alternatively it might be me going ‘yeah this isn’t working bye’#the fucking paperwork was overly complicated and long for no reason#and it gave me so much fucking anxiety to fill out 🙃#I feel like places that are offering mental health services should not be this anxiety-inducing to try to be seen?#anyways I’m not holding my breath but wish me luck? :/
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real sad boy hours
#why? just ‘cause.#actually I’m here at this chess tournament my brother is entered in. sitting by myself in the lobby waiting for him to finish his last game#and I’m honest to goodness trying not to openly weep. I feel so stupid#hold on. give me a second bc just writing this makes#makes me start crying a little and there are people around#life is too short#I love this kid. I’ve loved watching him grow up. and I’m always ALWAYS aware that everything is passing so fast#will I be here with him next year? will he outgrow all of this?#we don’t hang out as much anymore. he’s got his teenage things going on. his own life.#I don’t know. I’m trying to appreciate these moments as much as I can#it’s hard though. I feel like shit. my head hurts. my tinnitus has been driving me crazy#it’s hard to be present when you’re in a fog#last night in the hotel room we didn’t even really hang out. he just played on his phone until he slept. which is totally his right.#I just… I just hope I’m really appreciating this time#ok now I feel stupid for kind of crying in this hotel while lots of people walk around#i don’t know what more I could even do now. it’s not like I’m allowed to go watch him play or I can do anything but wait#I suppose I have to keep asking myself ‘am I appreciating this enough?’ and if I’m not then try to work on that#life is really shitty right now but I know there have been countless times I wish I’d been more present#so I wake up tired today and drink coffee & 5 hour energy and still I’m tired and my head hurts but I’ve still gotta try. just a little.#in a couple of years he’ll be off to college and have his own life#and it won’t be him and I going to the movies or driving him to school or having dinner together#anyway… juuuuust sad. and lonely. straight up not having a good time#but also I’m glad I’m here if only to hang around my brother a little bit#IAN! stop! god I feel so stupid letting myself wallow like this. it’s not helping. it’s just making me sad. focusing on the negatives.#whatevs. I’ve got major depression. suck my butt. I’m allowed to be sad sometimes.#this weekend didn’t really go like I thought#I guess I expected to read more and shoot the shit with my brother and hang out more but it’s whatever. life happens.#my mental & physical health has been bad for a couple months now so I couldn’t have reasonably expected to suddenly be great just because 🤷🏻#oh well!#text
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