#i wonder if maybe i should have been listening to audiobooks all along

[menkhu]

wait. ok. hold on.

[cuubism]

a lovely person on ao3 expressed interest in more of this retired Dream chronic pain fic and I said well who knows maybe one day and then proved myself a liar by doing it Now. when it gets in your head it stays there until it's out

--

One of Hob's greatest joys, as boyfriend and caretaker to one retired King of Dreams, is finding new things for Dream to enjoy. Things that Dream didn't have time for, or never got the chance to try, when he was fully occupied by his function. It's so fun seeing Dream's joy. Dream has never allowed himself very much of it.

Of all the things Hob's introduced him to, he hadn't figured Dream would be a video game fan. Always thought he was more one for slower media like books, or maybe he just hadn't been able to imagine his ancient, ponderous stranger gaming.

Hob was wrong. So very wrong that ever since he made the dubious decision to buy Dream an iPad he's been stuck in a perennial competition with Minecraft for Dream's attention, and Minecraft might be winning.

He really should have known better, should have guessed that the once-king of the Dreaming would love the immersive dreamscapes of video games, not to mention that he can create things again in a way that doesn't have the world-shaking consequences of his former role.

When Hob gets home from work, he's unsurprised to once again find Dream twisted up in a complicated pretzel shape in his favorite armchair, headphones on, nose buried in the iPad. Sitting that way isn't going to help his joints much in the long run, but nowadays Dream only ever seems to either sprawl or to crunch up in a tiny ball when he's sitting anywhere--sometimes Hob wonders if, after so many years of carrying every aspect of his life so primly and correctly, Dream simply can't bear to do it ever again.

He's also said that that twisted way of sitting is the only position that helps his hip ache less, so Hob doesn't complain about it too much.

"Hey, love," he calls as he sets his bag down, sitting on the couch beside Dream's armchair. Dream looks up at him, pulling his headphones off so they sit around his neck. Hob can vaguely hear the audio--Christ, on top of working on his crazily elaborate Minecraft world--Hob's seen it, the thing's insane--he's also listening to an audiobook. Yeah, Hob was so wrong about expecting Dream's way of trying to relax to be slow or measured.

Dream looks tired now, though, not relaxed, dark circles along his cheeks and a pinch of weariness at the corners of his eyes. Ah. Tough day, then.

"How's the Minecrafting going?" he asks instead of remarking on it. He probably sounds like an old person when he talks to Dream about it--well, he is an old person--but Hob's never been able to stick to any one thing for too long, and he hasn't actually picked up this game since the first time it came out. Who knows how it works nowadays.

Dream shows him the screen. Predictably, he tends to just play in his own little world instead of interacting with anyone else, and said world has become an elaborate landscape of infinite cityscapes, art pieces, and complex structures Hob can't determine the purpose or design of. If Hob's not wrong, it's significantly more complicated than it was just yesterday. Dream has picked this all up with disturbing ease and gotten very fast at it besides. You can take the dream lord out of the craft but not the craft out of the dream lord, apparently.

"You're getting quick at that," he says. "Pretty soon it will be bigger than London."

"Were it to be made physical in equal dimensions, it would be," Dream says. Maybe Hob should get him involved in city planning, might be entertaining for him.

He tries to imagine Dream at a council meeting and nearly perishes at the thought.

While Dream is still looking at him, Hob cups his jaw in one hand, runs his thumb over the dark circle under his eye. "Not feeling so well today?"

Dream sighs. "No. I did not sleep well."

Hob had noticed that, but he'd hoped the fact that Dream was still in bed when he'd left for work meant he might get some sleep later on. Apparently not.

"I am..." his lips twist. "My joints. Hurt."

"I'm sorry, love." Hob would fix it if he could. God he wishes he could. "Where?"

"Back. Primarily."

Really, Hob should be grateful for Minecraft, no matter that he's been in a pitched battle against it. It's one of the only things that can properly hold Dream's attention and distract him when he's not feeling well. Without his game to occupy him Dream just starts getting sad in addition to being in pain and Hob can hardly stand it.

"I love you, you know?" he says, and the corners of Dream's lips tip up.

"I know."

"You want to do some stretches with me?" Hob offers. "You can laugh at my lack of flexibility as much as you want."

He has, in fact, gotten Dream into some yoga and light strength training. It seems to help, at least a little. Dream's new human body is already very flexible, though. It's actually part of the problem. Maybe that's what happens when you try to put an amorphous conceptual being into a fixed body. Maybe it's just the roll of the dice.

"I would not laugh," Dream says, but sets the iPad aside and starts disentangling the knot of his limbs to climb out of the chair.

"No, but I can always see you thinking about it."

"I would not exchange flexibility for you being strong enough to pick me up," Dream declares.

"It's not a one-off trade," Hob says, laughing. Then, perhaps to prove a point, he scoops Dream up from the chair and into his arms.

Dream shrieks and clutches at him with all of his limbs. He's so good at tangling himself up like that that sometimes it still feels like he's able to manifest twice as many of them.

"Could try something else to flex those muscles too," he teases, and Dream gives him a judgmental look, but Hob can see the smile secretly tugging at his lips.

"Taking perverse advantage of my ailments?" he says.

Hob feigns offense. "I was just going to give you a back rub! Totally innocent."

"Mmmm." Dream tilts his head, studying him. "Perhaps if you are truly committed to doing all of the work. I'm not finding myself inclined towards effort this evening.”

"Taking perverse advantage of my generosity?" Hob echoes.

Dream smirks down at him from his perch in Hob’s arms. “Always.”

It’s fine by Hob. Dream deserves a bit of generosity, in his opinion. And a lot more than that, too.

“You’ve indeed been most generous with me in my indolence,” Dream purrs. “Cared for me in my infirmity. How ought a man repay such a magnanimous patron?”

“Could think of a few things,” Hob says, letting his gaze deliberately track down to Dream’s lips. “I’m more inclined to spoil you, though.”

“I am amenable to that,” Dream says. Haughty little thing. Even dying couldn’t take the king out of him.

Hob doesn’t mind, though. He’s always had a bit of a thing for it. So he obligingly carries his still-smirking lover off to their bedroom to spoil him just as he’s promised.

--

Afterwards, when Dream’s sprawled across him, one leg tossed over Hob’s hips in a way that apparently relieves the strain in his lower back, though Hob can’t imagine how, he says, “Does it bother you that I have become utterly idle?”

“You’re not idle,” Hob says. “You do plenty of stuff. I see you do it.”

“Not with true purpose, though,” Dream says.

“If you mean do I think you should get some sort of career, then no, I don’t.” Hob kind of shudders at the thought. “As far as I’m concerned, you never have to work again if you don't want to. Do what you want. Work on your Minecraft cities. I’m just happy that you’re here.”

“You work,” Dream points out.

“I get bored,” Hob says. “Besides, my job doesn’t involve literally being the job, you know. You have to make up for about a trillion years of no work-life balance.”

Dream just humphs, but settles closer against him.

“Does it make you uncomfortable that I pay for everything, is that it?” Hob asks. Dream has always been so fiercely independent.

“Uncomfortable, not exactly,” Dream says. “I find I still fail to grasp the importance of money.”

Hob chuckles. “Yeah, you would.”

“Rather,” Dream continues, “the issue is equity. Something I am contemplating more as part of human society.”

“Okay, I understand what you’re getting at.” Hob wouldn’t want their relationship to feel inequitable either, but it’s not so much about paying for things, but about Dream not feeling trapped. As much as part of Hob wants to bundle Dream up and never let him leave the flat again after he literally died once already, he doesn’t want Dream to stay because he has to. He wants him to stay because he chooses to. At the same time— “But, Dream, it’s been only six months.”

“And?”

“For your lifetime— hell, even for mine, it’s a vanishingly small amount of time. And you were so tired.” It still hurts, still feels almost panic-inducing to think about, how Dream had been the last time they’d spoken before he… died. Hob’s never seen such weariness on a person, and he’s seen a lot. It would take a long time for that to lift from a human, and Dream is operating on a much vaster scale. “If I can give you time to rest, then that’s what I want to do.”

Hob could never figure out how to help Dream when he was Endless. At least there’s something he can do to help Dream now.

“Rest,” Dream echoes. “You are insistent upon it.”

Hob buries his hand in his hair, scratches at his scalp. “It feels better, though, doesn’t it?”

It takes a long moment for Dream to concede his answer, but finally he says, quietly, “Yes.”

“I love you beyond measure,” Hob says, aching with the words. “I want you to be well. It’s no more complicated than that.”

“I think I am,” Dream says slowly. “Well.”

Hob thinks so, too—at least, more so than he once was. He has his issues with his body. But some of the heaviness on him has eased. And that’s a step.

“I do not think I have been well before,” Dream continues. “At least, not in quite some time.”

This, Hob knows, too.

“Then we’ll have to keep working at it until you’re used to it,” Hob says. “And I’ll spoil you until then. Well, after, too.”

“You seem to take pleasure in it,” Dream agrees.

Hob kisses the top of his head, rubs his hand up and down his back until Dream sinks into him further, boneless and lax. Maybe later he will give Dream an actually innocent back rub, it seems to help with the pain a bit. For now he just lets Dream fall asleep on top of him.

He needs the rest, anyway.

[cailynwrites]

Harry Potter Rec Fest Day 13 - Over 100K

I so appreciate the dedication that it takes for someone to write over 100K words; I think even my M.A. thesis topped out at 30K (with much academic padding). I've read a ton of long fics so there's probably some recency bias here for @hprecfest day 13, but I've also tried to share a couple different pairings ...

Blood Magic (Podfic) written and read by houseofthehebrideanblcks and thestralsofspinnersend Pairing: Draco x Harry Word count: 334,676 Length: 33:05:11 Rating: E

@thistlecatfics already said all the things about this fic in their recommendation for the podfic the other day, and said it in a much lovelier and more eloquent way than I ever could. I guess I came at it from a different perspective though - as someone who is very lucky to feel not too traumatized by life or struggling with addiction or mental health (not a brag, just context), I got to see inside the brains of people like that and feel great empathy for them. Isn't that what art should do - put you in the shoes of different people and make you see the world differently? This is a slow, beautiful story of down-and-out Draco AND Harry heading toward something like peace and love, but it's a long road to get there. Also featuring endlessly patient counselor Luna, supportive Ron & Hermione, and lots of magical creatures.

The podfic is also really well done. The authors recorded it as a podcast originally. If the 33 hour single file on InternetArchive isn't really your speed, you can get the podcast version here, which includes their commentary after each chapter. Maybe not for everyone, but I found it interesting as a companion piece to hear their writing process and talk about trauma, treatment, and recovery in their own lives.

Choice and Chance by @chaoticcrumpets (Podfic by @etl-echo-audiobooks) Pairing: Draco x Hermione Word count: 116,972 Length: almost 10 hours Rating: M

This fic is so interesting. I had gotten a little burned out on Dramione before listening to this fic and this fully resparked my interest. I don't want to give too much away, but it's a mystery, a time travel adventure, and a romance. All the characterizations are very real, even though there might be more than one characterization of some of the characters. Can I use character more times in one sentence? Ah, and the twist at the end!!! *Chef's kiss*

Sweater Weather written by @lumosinlove (Podfic by @itsaash & cast) Pairing: Wolfstar, other adorable OC pairings and more! Word count: 156,108 Length: 15:23:00 Rating: E

I didn't think a hockey AU would be for me, even though I kinda like hockey. I was tempted by the prospect of Everyone Lives (TM) and I'm so grateful for it. This fic is beautiful, the development of all the characters, both canon and original, is incredible. I laughed, I cried, I gasped, I sighed, and when I was done, I wanted to start reading it all over again. At the time, it was newly finished and a sequel was on the way. I've been waiting for a nice vacation or sick day to reread it and its sequel, Vaincre. @lumosinlove has created a wonderful world and I just want to see the characters play around in it forever. I haven't listened to the podfic, but I'd encourage everyone to give it a shot!

************************************************************************

This one barely counts as a self-rec because I'm really just gushing about the author ...

Way Down We Go by @xiaq Podfic read by Cailynwrites (with @etl-echo-audiobooks) with beautiful album art by @abrilas-art Pairing: Draco x Harry Word count: 109,767 Length: 13 hours Rating: T

If you had asked me the ratings of my two out of three of my favorite novel-length Drarry fics yesterday, I wouldn't have thought the answer would be T, but apparently it is. This story, along with Away Childish Things, rewired my brain. I love the pace, I love the development of both boys' characters, I love the ancillary characters both old and new. It's just a perfectly told story. Although I should be encouraging you to go listen to my podfic on AO3 or Spotify, I can definitely also recommend the reading experience. Don't skip the adorable author's notes containing the adventures of the author's dog and grad school woes (relatable).

If you want to get a taste for the podfic before diving in, try this snippet or this one.

[scumtrout]

I'm listening to an audiobook of The Bigamist while working, and from the sounds of it, the author had a lot of things go right in her life (e.g. her job history sounds interesting). and I wonder to what extent this influenced her willingness to believe the lies of her sketchy boyfriend.

If I had someone turn up and say 'oh yeah occasionally I flake out on you because I'm SECRETLY WORKING FOR THE CIA', then this would be so far outside the realm of plausibilty for me that I'd tell them to fuck off, because I do not expect to encounter Secret Agent Man in the course of my life. (However, I do expect to encounter people who tell grandiose lies and string you along for money and/or attention.) But if it's BAU to meet interesting, well-paid, well-connected people, then I can see how someone might think, 'hey, I suppose this guy who says he's a CIA employee could be telling the truth about that'.

That said, I do wonder if her desperation for a relationship was a bigger factor, because... Say someone tells me they work for the CIA, and I believe them. My next concern is then, 'oh fuck, what kind of problems will this create? Maybe I should treat this as a dealbreaker?', not 'well I'm sure a relationship will be COMPLETELY FINE, then!'

I'm once again reminded of how the people who fall for cons and cults are meant to generally be intelligent, hard-working, and financially stable (although god I can't cite the studies that give credence to this) and I do wonder about how... If you have a certain number of things go right for you (e.g. you've been conditioned to think there's a strong correlation between hard work and reward), then you can end up with a worldview where you expect this trend to continue indefinitely, and all a con artist has to do is nurture that worldview.

[livingasaghost]

i have soooo much editing and life admin to do and yet i spent most of the afternoon annotating villains and reading caesar monologues help

was under the impression i'm disconnected from most of my friends (still believe this is the case) but have now reached the conclusion that i just....don't have enough friends these days! mostly in person tho, long distance is another beast that i don't have the capacity to think on especially bc most of my friends are just supremely busy at this time of year so i can't really ask them to make more of an effort and i don't even have the brainpower to make more of an effort myself so it's a wash

but when i was texting my friend about it the other day she literally was just like ....you're being too hard on yourself you're a good friend so. there's that

grief day was actually fine yesterday (aside from work being on fire metaphorically) but when i made myself do yoga before bed i had a nice little cry sesh over how hard 2017 was like damn it was rough!

been mourning 2019 today for some reason......

i miss a lot of the friends i used to have back then ):

i miss when i had friends to hang out with actually

i miss living down the street from laura (always)

like imagine if we could climb on the weekends and get food during the week wahhhh

speaking of ! i have concluded that i'm back in a disordered eating era.....which means i don't want to prep food and i really have no interest in eating although i know i need to and i am hungry....which is a bad place to be!!! because i need to be eating protein if i'm gonna keep climbing but alas i just cannot bring myself to eat much

i'm not....depressed per se, like i do think i feel mostly okay but self-care is rough right now and i don't know how to connect with anybody and it's very frustrating

reading is still going good i guess but i'm in the middle of THREE books now because i couldn't bring myself to read the last 20% of discord of gods and i'm stuck in my grief non-fic audiobook so.......who knows what read #100 will be!

i'm stuck on what i should say to ml rio when i meet her next month like how am i supposed to tell her this is one of the greatest books of all time

i was supposed to go shopping today for clothes for the rehearsal dinner and deadass just....didn't. because shopping for nice clothes is so stressful mainly because i do not want to wear a dress but i don't know where to find another jumpsuit/regular suit and i should've just gotten my mint suit tailored but now it's too late unless i wanna pay a fuckton of money and i do wonder how much of this is related to gender stuff in my brain.....problem for another day!

i have a video shoot tomorrow and i am soooo anxious about it

it's like i don't feel bad but i don't feel good and i wanna fast forward to when i'm with laura again and i wanna fast forward to us going to pnw because i do think that trip will fix me!!!! we're just gonna take photos and go hiking and eat yummy food and watch things at midnight and listen to music in the car and maybe i'll just cry because we've been hoping to do this trip since we were in high school and now we're turning thirty and she's getting married and neither of us is probably gonna publish the books we worked so hard on in the pandemic but we're still here and we have seen each other so many times this year and every thing always always comes back to laura for me and god i just miss her so much )))):

*lizzo voice* ANYWAY...

OH AND ALSO! i think i've been screaming/singing too much on my commutes because i started getting this weird JAW PAIN? and my vocal cords are mad at me a little??? like damn sorry i wanted to sing along to daddy i love him wHATEVER....

[adeniverville]

My relationship with writing has been complicated at best in recent times. Before 2020, I'd been trucking along, steadily increasing my speed and rate of production. But then everything changed.

First, there was the pandemic. My concentration really took a hit during the lockdowns, as I'm sure it did for a lot of people. I started out strong, writing and reading and crafting so much, but as time wore on and the endlessness of the situation sunk in, doing any sort of "productive" thing beyond my job was way too much.

In addition, I had a book released in 2020 (or was it 2021??) where the sales just tanked. My previous book had done well, considering it was an indie release, and I'd banked on my readers coming back. They didn't. The first full month after the book was released, I had 0 sales. I was devastated.

I think one of those things happening would've slowed me down for a bit, but both at once? It was a huge hit. I couldn't do anything. I used to love writing. Basically any moment I wasn't at work or with friends, I'd be writing. But those days were suddenly gone.

Over time, I got back into writing. At first, I wrote just for my own amusement, things outside my genre or things I'd never publish professionally. That helped quite a bit. But when I felt I "should" go back to working on my novels I'd abandoned during COVID, after taking a several-year break, it was very hard to do so. I thought carving some time out for writing would help me get back into the swing of things, but all it really did was make me feel like writing was a job.

And in a lot of ways, it is a job. I have published novels, after all! But the thing was, it never felt like a job. It felt more like a hobby I got paid to do. Now, suddenly, I couldn't bear to do what came so naturally.

I wondered if maybe my time as a published author was coming to an end. If I wasn't finding joy from it anymore, maybe it was time to pack it in and just collect the pocket change from my backlist. But I wanted to at least finish the things I'd started working on, then make my decision.

I sent a finished manuscript to an editor to help me prepare it for publication. I'd already made revisions years ago, there wasn't much left to do. I also hoped it would give me motivation to work on the other finished (much rougher) manuscript I had.

Unfortunately, the rush of publishing my 3rd novel wasn't enough to motivate me. I worked on my revisions, but it was a constant uphill battle, and I had to force myself to sit down and work on it. When I published it, my close friends and family purchased it and enjoyed it, and that reassured me. I decided to produce an audiobook despite the low sales. I liked the process of making an audiobook for my first novel, and I thought this one would make for a good audiobook too.

Then, as I was reviewing the audiobook, something clicked.

I don't know what it was, but as I was listening to my words read back to me, I began to feel that spark again. I started remembering all these old ideas I'd had, and I felt excited about writing them down. Those feelings even extended to my document I needed to revise, and I've been working on it ever since. I even wanted to work on it while I was doing my regular job, which I haven't felt in a long time.

I think it helped to hear my words read by someone else, to hear their interpretation. It was like I was reading the story for the first time entirely. I didn't feel the need to pick out my mistakes or things I should've changed. I could just sit and enjoy it.

Maybe all I needed was a fresh perspective on the whole thing. Maybe I just needed more time. Whatever it is, I'm glad to be mostly back in the swing of things. I hope this lasts. And if it doesn't, I think I'll be okay with it. I can wait for my writing brain to come back, if I need to. It'll all be fine.

[kiingocreative]

I recently listened to the audiobook version of Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’d read the book a while back, but I fancied immersing myself in it again, and what better way to do it than by listening to it (especially when it’s so well narrated, by Liz Gilbert herself).

I’d been going through an odd phase in my writing journey. My new book was with BETA readers. I had a somewhat steady stream of blog articles and beta reading reports that kept me busy. I had the first two pages of a novel that I’d written on the plane on my way to Greece last September, but hadn’t touched again because I didn’t really know where to take things from there.

All in all, it had been a while since I’d written something just because I wanted to, rather than because there was a need for it. I’d gotten a little bit out of balance of late. I’d sort of assumed that, when creativity stroke, I’d start writing my own stories again.

And so I waited. And waited. And waited…

A Two-Way Street

Listening to Big Magic reminded me of something crucial: that you can’t keep waiting for your writing to show up for you, if you’re not ready to show up for your writing in the first place. I can very well picture my creativity crossing her arms and throwing me a sidelong look, thinking ‘dude, if you’re not really committed to this, why should I even bother to tag along?’

It’s a two-way street, and I’d been treating it as though I could just wait, distract myself with other things, and see what happened without taking any steps of my own. By this time in my writing journey, I should have known better, but it’s easy to fall into those traps every once in a while, even when you know exactly what they are and what you should do to avoid them.

Whilst this article isn’t an advert for Big Magic, I will say that reading the book, and listening to it recently unblocked a lot of things for me, creativity-wise. It helped me reconnect with the source of it all, it reminded me of what it’s all about. It made me pick up those two lone pages of my new novel and give them some proper TLC.

And, it made rethink some of the ways in which I’d been regarding and treating my writing that simply needed to change.

Be the Spokesperson for your Writing

I don’t know about you, but I struggle speaking up for my writing. It feels almost embarrassing. Like I’m bragging or singing my own praises. I could go to war for another writer’s book that I loved, screaming about it on every platform I can. But doing the same thing for my own work? Not a chance.

I know I’m not alone in this, because I’ve had this conversation with fellow writers, and they confessed to the same thing.

��How crazy is that?

There again, in comes Big Magic and the concept that creatives are merely a vessel for their creativity. That you aren’t your creativity, and neither do you own your creativity. Your creativity comes and goes, looking for the right partner at the right time to make some magic happen. Just like any collaboration or relationship we keep, if we’re not supportive of our creativity, would it really want to stick around and do all the work for us? For a while, maybe, if our creativity finds itself in the mood to cut us some slack. But not forever. Definitely not forever.

I’ve found the idea of dissociating myself from my writing in that way helpful. Because then, if I’m going to war for my writing or screaming about it on every platform I can, it’s no longer about me singing my own praises, it’s about me speaking up for this great partner I have, this amazing collaboration with my creativity, and the wonderful magic we’re making together. It’s me celebrating the beauty we came together to make. It’s not bragging, it’s taking pride in the work creativity and I do together.

Now, should I learn to be able to speak up for myself and my work regardless of whether creativity happens to be by my side? Yes. A hundred per cent, yes. But, one step at a time. For now, this is helping me overcome this huge impostor syndrome I get every time I talk about my writing, because it’s much harder to feel like a fraud when you’re singing your partner’s praises rather than your own.

Be your Writing’s Very Own Patron

One thing that’s been bothering me is that I don’t live off my writing. I simply don’t make enough money out of my writing endeavours to lead the life I want to lead. And, for a long that’s something I’ve found frustrating.

…Until I came across this passage in Big Magic in which Elizabeth Gilbert says something like this (and I’m massively paraphrasing, here): Why on earth would you put that kind of pressure on yourself and on your writing? Why would you demand that your writing support all your financial needs? Why would you risk suffocating it to the point that it may one day desert you?

By having a job that pays for your bills, your mortgage, your groceries, your coffee beans and your pets’ kibble, you take away the need for your writing to be the main breadwinner in your relationship. You create space for it to breathe and to do what it does best: to show up for you, unencumbered, so you can do some incredible work together.

So what if your day job has nothing to do with writing? If it pays for the space you need to write in, isn’t that sufficient? If it pays for your peace of mind so you don’t have to stress about money, isn’t it all that’s required? Of course, we’d all like to write a bestseller that takes care of us for life, but realistically, the chances of that happening to most people are slim. And what would that be saying to our creativity? It’d be like entering a new collaboration and saying to your partner, before work’s even begun: ‘listen, you seem nice, so I’ll give it to you straight. I’m in this for the big bucks. If you don’t have what it takes to make that happen, we might as well not bother and just end this thing right here’. If there’s one sure way to scare your creativity away, I’d say this is it.

Think of it this way: By taking care of your own financial needs, you become your writing’s very own patron. You become the top sponsor for your writing endeavours. Patrons in the Renaissance would pay for their artists’ material needs—their paint, brushes, their studio, and so on—so that they could do what they did best in the best possible conditions: paint.

Be your writing’s patron. Be the one who pays for the logistics of daily life so that your writing doesn’t have the pressure of wondering how it can pay for your electricity bill.

Be your Writing’s Biggest Cheerleader

We all have our down moments. We all have our doubts. We all face uncertainty. When it comes to writing, it happens to the best of us. Times when writing doesn’t come naturally. When the words aren’t quite flowing. When a chapter isn’t working. A time when you simply can’t be bothered with it. I’ve been there more than once.

My knee-jerk reaction used to be to berate myself. To get frustrated and to eventually let things be until I felt like writing again. Usually, the longer I left it the harder it became to ‘feel like’ getting back to it. And then there were the guilt trips because I wasn’t writing and the spirals about how terrible a writer I was if I couldn’t write consistently—if I could even call myself a writer. You get the picture.

But now I think of my writing as my partner, it’s a lot trickier to be so hard on it. I wouldn’t talk to a friend the way I sometimes talk to myself. So, in those instances, I started addressing my writing the way I would a friend in need: with kind, supportive words, but without letting it get away with procrastinating for no reason. I remind my writing that we all have our moments. That, yes, taking a break is important, but that you need to watch out for those times where you’re stepping away from the task at hand because you’re simply scared or doubt your own abilities. I tell my writing that I know it has what it takes to face whatever challenge there is and that, whatever happens, I’ll be there by its side to lend a helping hand.

…You’re joking, right?

I can see the most sceptical amongst you roll their eyes at all this like I’ve just lost my mind. Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t, who’s to say? All I can tell you is that building a healthy relationship with my writing, and my creativity in general, has helped me treat it (and ultimately, myself) with a lot more care and respect. It’s allowed me to build trust with my writing, and a sense of diligence I was struggling to achieve before. If that’s madness, I guess I’m a little mad, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. And I know my writing thanks me for it.

[carriagelamp]

Weirdly enough, I often find myself reading less in the summer, since I have more time than I do during the rest of the year to do other things. Also artfight has been eating up more than a bit of my free time! But here’s a collection a graphic novels I sat around on the hammock reading, and some novels I finished up...

(Everyone go read All Systems Red, holy crow guys)

A Whale of the Wild

The “sequel” to A Wolf Called Wander, though it doesn’t actually connect to the previous novel except in the stylistic/thematic sense. A Whale of the Wild is very much a standalone novel. And a pretty decent one! Personally, I think I liked Wolf more, but this one was a pleasant, informative read, with just the right amount of crushing dread sprinkled in. It’s about a young orca called Vega who is learning to become a new wayfinder for her pod but who still has a lot to learn, especially in an ocean that is becoming increasingly hostile to orcas and the other sealife that live alongside humans. When a devastating earthquake hits, Vega and her little brother find themselves separated from their family, lost in a now horrifyingly unfamiliar environment, and fighting starvation as the salmon that sustain them become more and more unreliable. It’s a desperate fight for survival as they search for food and their missing family. This book is written for a middle grade level, and does a really good job of putting the current environmental crisis into an animal’s perspective while giving the readers something to hope for.

The Adventure Zone: The Crystal Kingdom

Every July I eagerly anticipate the next Adventure Zone graphic novel. This one is for their fourth arc, The Crystal Kingdom, in which Magnus, Taako, and Merle respond to a SOS from a floating laboratory that is gradually being consumed by crystals and which threatens the entire world should it fall into the ocean. Carey Pietsch’s art continues to be absolutely fantastic, so beautifully and hilariously expressive, and this one delivers some great Merle moments, lots of Carey Fangbattle, and, of course, Kravtiz. Kravitz, my beloved…

Anyway, I obviously always recommend these. If you’ve never gotten into The Adventure Zone, I totally recommend either trying these graphic novels — or even better, just go listen to the podcast because it really is both hilarious and creates a shockingly good and heart-wrenching story by the end.

All Systems Red

I’ve seen The Murderbot Diaries on my dash occasionally, and it always looked interesting, but a friend’s recommendation finally compelled me to read the first novella of the series. And holy shit y’all. Absolutely the best book I’ve read this month, it’s amazing. Mind-blowingly good. Also, if you’re like me and want a good audiobook, it’s a nice three-hour listen, very chill!

Anyway, All Systems Red is about a Security Unit, an artificially created being that’s part-organic part-mechanical and all-company-owned-and-controlled. However, self-named “Murderbot” has managed to hack into the system that suppresses its own will, and is now coasting along, doing the least amount of work its job requires not to be noticed, while preferring to spend all its time watching the hours and hours of soap operas it has downloaded into its brain. And it’s a tolerable if somewhat dull life, until the science team that it's currently rented to is attacked and the whole mission goes pear-shaped. Suddenly Murderbot has to scramble to keep its humans alive… while its humans scramble with the realization that their “SecUnit” isn’t actually a mindless robot like they had all believed...

This story is both gripping and hilariously funny. Murderbot has such a unique voice and perspective and it’s an absolute pleasure to follow its story. I reallly need to read the next book...

Asterix and the Banquet

A classic. I was startled when I realized I hadn’t actually read this Asterix story… but hell I’m not gonna complain, it lets me read one of the originals for the first time again! In this Asterix volume, the Indomitable Gauls and the Romans end up arranging a bet — the Romans intend to keep them under siege, trapped in their village, while Asterix is confident that he can easily evade them… and will prove it by going on a tour around all of Gaul, collecting iconic foods from each region in order to return and put on a fine banquet. So we get a fantastic adventure in which Asterix and Obelix run all over the country, pursued the whole way, while making cheerful stops at the various eateries along the way. Also the first book Dogmatix shows up in! All around, a wonderful read, fun like all the best Asterix comics are.

Beauty Pop v4

A less impressive graphic novel. The first Beauty Pop is one of my guilty pleasure manga because… it really is pretty stupid but in the best possible ways. I mean, the whole thing is framed around hairstyling battles, like a shojo sports manga without the sports. It’s bonkers. Unfortunately, the series does not really manage to hold up, and it really begins to feel repetitive and dragging as it continues… as a lot of series like this do. *shrug* Unsurprising but still kinda disappointing I suppose. The building three-way romantic tension is mildly interesting if for no other reason than the main character Does Not Notice and Does Not Care about any of it, which is amusing and refreshing.

FRNCK v5

Now this series only gets better and better as it goes. This is the first book of the second arc, and somehow the danger just seems to be ramping up and up and up. The cavefamily have lost their home… as well as Léonard and Gargouille. Heartbroken, shocked, and angry, Franck is the one who ends up shouldering the blame for their presumed deaths as the others mourn. Things only get worse when Franck finds himself separated from the family, and in the territory of another tribe, this one hostile and cannibalistic...

Haikyuu v5

I continue to read this series because it continues to be charming… though it is beginning to feel, maybe, just a little repetitive. Kind of an inevitability with sports manga. But so far it continues to be good enough to overcome that. I’m not sure what I can say about this series that I haven’t already, so I’ll simply say it continues to be one of the most impressive sports manga I’ve read, and the author does a fantastic job of creating engaging characters, fleshed out teams, and really compelling relationships. I do genuinely adore all the main members of Crows, along with a number of characters from the rival teams as well. And of course it has some kickass volleyball scenes that are just drawn so dramatically they can’t help but take your breath away a little.

M*A*S*H Goes To Maine

Meh. The original book of the series was actually quite good in my opinion. This one… considerably less so. The first part I enjoyed more, since it was about Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, and Oliver Jones trying to set up the FinestKind Clinic and Fishmarket in Crabapple Cove (which… is just the best premise I could have ever asked for). However, the book spends most of its time describing the quirky lives and times of other people living in the area and I… just… don’t care. It was funny at times but… I just don’t care. I wanted to hear more about the main cast. Also I found this book felt more racist and misogynistic than the first which also put me off :/ Wouldn’t bother if I were you. Go read the first book instead, or better yet just watch the TV show which is an obvious banger.

My Heart’s in the Highlands

I have had this on my “currently reading” list for so long but I’m officially giving up. It’s a really good book in theory but my god I can’t get over the pacing.

It’s about Lady Jane, a woman studying medicine in Edinburgh in 1888, and who suddenly finds herself back in the Highlands in the 13th century. Lost and confused, Jane is now at the mercy Clan Donald’s hospitality while she tries to adjust to this new world and hunts for her broken time machine. Fortunately, this hospitality include a burgeoning friendship with a red-haired warrior woman, Ainslie nic Dòmhnaill, who opens Jane’s eyes to the way the world could be.

Listen. It drives me nuts. This book should be completely up my alley, it has everything I like — IT HAS ALL OF ITS HISTORICAL FOOTNOTES CITED AT THE BACK, LITTLE EXTRA DETAILS ABOUT EVERY CHAPTER. THAT’S MY SHIT RIGHT THERE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE BEING ABLE TO GO OVER HISTORICAL DETAILS?? AND WELL RESEARCHED FOOTNOTES?? And yet it doesn’t. Fucking. Work for me. It has a kickass Scottish warrior lady as a love interest! It has a badass lady doctor! It has fish-out-of-water culture shock! But it also has a completely meandering plot, no sense of building tension, and a romance that just happens out of nowhere and feels completely unearned and uninteresting.

I would genuinely just rather read Outlander again, which I know has its own host of problems, but at least Outlander felt exciting and interesting and tense and funny. The romance built in fits and starts, it was complicated, and kept me interested. That book had me hooked (and has me hooked every time I reread it) whereas this book I’ve been sadly picking at for months like its a plate of overcooked spinach. This felt like an attempt at a queer, historically accurate knockoff which I would normally be super into but which just could not stick the landing.

Moomin on the Riviera

My first time actually reading anything from the Moomin canon. I have zero idea how to feel about it! It certainly is as feral as I’ve heard described! Overall, I think I enjoyed it but it sure made me feel strange emotions I didn’t know existed. I’m not even going to try to describe it. Read it if you want a batshit insane anti-capitalist comic.

Surviving the City

This was good in some areas, less good in others. It had a very interesting indigenous perspective on life in the modern city, the foster system, and The Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women issue, which I’ve never seen handled in a book before. Something about the pacing did not completely click with me and I found myself getting easily distracted, but it’s definitely worth the read just to experience it and look at the issues it deals with through the characters’ (and author’s) eyes. It did give me a lot to think about and wrestle with, which is sometimes the best thing a book can give you.

Torchwood: Pack Animals

A really fun read, more so than I had ever expected! If you like Torchwood and want more stories about the team before everything goes to shit, this is perfect for that. It includes the entire cast, an interest mystery to be unravelled, lots of slavering monsters, Rhys being really wonderful and sweet (which I didn’t know I wanted until I read this book), and all the humour I expect from Torchwood. I had to send a lot of quotes to my long-suffering girlfriend who a) does not watch this show but b) needs to tolerate it because I find it too funny to keep to myself. It was good enough to make me go out another book of the series since this was the only one my library carried.

[nerdygaymormon]

A big step...then one goes backwards & the other forward

This past Christmas, I was at my brother’s home to celebrate. I was in the kitchen with my sister-in-law and she had started reading Richard Ostler’s book Listen, Learn and Love: Embracing LGBTQ Latter-day Saints. I was telling her about a message I’d received this Christmas morning from Richard Ostler, saying that when he was a YSA bishop and decided he should learn from LGBT LDS people about our viewpoint and our experience, that I was one of the first people he came across (the blog post that went viral), and I was one of the first Twitter accounts he followed. That I’ve influenced his thinking and his heart. It was a very nice message. 

My sister-in-law was still in chapter 1, and said she learned that what is required of her is to love, she doesn’t have to approve of a person’s choices. Love is what she’s asked to do. She can go to a gay wedding to show support for the people she loves without having to think of it as showing support for gay marriage, how that’s similar to attending the christening of a friend’s baby even though that’s against our religion. We were having a good conversation about the things she’d read. 

My mom heard us speaking and came over to say she had just come to the same conclusion after reading Becky Mackintosh’s book Love Loudly: Embracing Your LGBTQ Loved Ones And Your Faith. Frankly, I was shocked. Usually this is a subject she avoids because she thinks I'm ripping apart her eternal family and she wishes I'd go back in the closet and no one else ever know.

My mother & my sister-in-law started talking with each other about how they never realized this, they just have to love the gay people in their lives. 

That night, my mom sent me a text: “I love you and I am very glad you were sent to our family.” That’s the first time she’s said that since I came out. 

On December 26th she had a long drive planned to drop off some items. She asked me to come along and we listened to the audiobook of Charlie Bird’s book Without the Mask. 

This felt like a significant advancement in my relationship with my mother. 

I read the book by Becky Mackintosh that had affected her so much. I finished it on Dec 29th and that night I wrote my mom an email saying I feel like it’s time to her in on my life as a gay person. I’ve tried to make being a Mormon mom of a gay son as easy as possible, and usually that has meant keeping things from her. I then listed some important highlights from my life. 

Some of the highlights were important moments in figuring out who I am or of something said at school or church that wounded me deeply. Some of the highlights were providing additional parts to stories that she already knew about. And some important things in my life as relates to my faith and going to therapy. I finished the email with these words, “Two of the things people want is to be loved and to be included. I hope my family will always be a place where I’m loved and included. I’m sure I’ve given you a lot to think about. I hope it’s not too overwhelming to read all this at once.” 

I waited, wondering how she would respond. After a few days, I thought perhaps she doesn’t check that email address often or perhaps because it was the holidays she wasn’t checking her messages, so I mentioned I sent her an email. She indicated she’d received it. That’s it. That’s the only reaction I got. I hoped maybe she wanted a little time to reflect and choose what to say, but I received nothing. I felt like we moved back to where things had been before, which is my family ignores and doesn’t talk about things which are hard. To be honest, after having those 2 days where my mom seemed to be open to learning & listening about this part of who I am, I felt very sad that we’d gone back to this being an unmentionable thing. 

———————————————————— 

Why am I bringing up these moments from the end of December? This past weekend I was at my sister-in-law’s home and she shared with me that she’d finished reading Richard Ostler’s book. She also listened to a podcast episode I did with Richard. She said it was interesting to hear me speak my thoughts and share my experiences, things my family has never heard or only heard about in a truncated form. 

She spoke to me of how her understanding has changed. She previously accepted the Plan of Salvation is this great path for everyone, but learning the experiences of LGBTQ members, she gets that it’s incomplete and it’s no wonder that most LGBTQ members leave this church. She has only gotten a glimpse of the negative messages and the wounds the church heaps on queer members, and she can see that she was blind to this. She recognizes she has more to learn. 

She expressed her love for me and asked some questions and I shared some of my experiences with her. 

This is such a contrast from how my mother responded that it brought back those memories & feelings and I thought I should share as this is the place I write about my experience as a gay Mormon. Being unable to be authentic with my mother is part of this experience, as is a sister-in-law who loves me and wants to understand and is willing to learn difficult truths about the church she loves.

[rigelmejo]

Things I’d like to do, in order of me doing them versus no time yet lol. Bold - i plan to genuinely freaking commit to doing it even if other things come up. italic - i really want to be able to do these, if i don’t have time now i’ll try to do them later on.

Currently doing:

finish reading hanshe (currently doing, on chapter 52 out of 155 haha rip me)

finish reading guardian english translation (currently doing, also dang my reading speed got slow lately lol)

finish listening to chinese spoonfed audio (on like 12 or 15 out of like 39. i’d like to finish it so i can say i’ve done it, and at least have some exposure to everything it’s got to offer word/sentence wise once)

exercise 5 times a week. 50 crunches, 70 pushups, 15 minutes cardio at least. until the end of the month (i tried this last week then bam twisted my ankle lol - someone tried this to get fit and it worked and you know me i Love proving to myself if things work and i also Love simply things i can remember that are flexible. i have been switching between jogging or HIIT that’s mainly muscle building, depending on how i feel... gonna count it all as long as i do something consistently 5 times a week. maybe next month i’ll do that kpop dance challenge i found that looked cool but for now i just wanna do something i know i can stick to because its simple and flexible)

finish reading Tae Kim’s Grammar Guide (i almost forgot ToT but unless i’m giving up japanese again lol... well... we’ll see... either way i am in the process of doing this and there isn’t really a good stopping spot so i should just finish reading it)

Also just general watching chinese shows, reading chinese (so hanshe OR whatever i feel like). I’ve been pretty consistent about that and it helps even if i jump around to different materials so i don’t have to really list anything specific.

And for japanese? I would really like to try one of my games in japanese this summer but that is Highly dependent on how prepared i feel. i’d like to try maybe though, just because like... even if i never learn as much as i’d like, a big goal had always been just to play my favorite games the way they were originally written. if i can follow enough to just see a lets play and look up words i want to understand, follow the grammar, catch some line differences between the original and localization, i will already be so happy. even though more in depth understanding will be a long way away from now.

Going to do soon:

listen-read method guardian (because i literally have avenuex’s wonderful audiobook that PERFECTLY matches the webnovel chapters - i plan to listen-read with just the eng translation tho)

read guardian chinese print version (while i may push this off a while... it would be appropriate to read in august as an anniversary of watching guardian drama lol... i also kind of think the closer i do this to the listening-reading method, the more i will comprehend and easier it will be and more details i’ll get out of the sections that are unique to my print novel version... after hanshe i would love to put this as my actively-reading chinese novel)

read His Evening Star (<3 <3 asap! like as soon as Guardian eng translation read, i’m starting this)

read Silent Reading english translation

continue doing Nukemarines LLJ memrise decks (i made some progress, and wanted to go back after reading Tae Kim’s Grammar Guide... again IF i do this is highly relevant on if i can keep managing some time for japanese study we’ll SEE lol ;-;)

Going to do eventually...:

listen-read method Silent Reading (at least TRY, although i already know the chapters and audiobook-episodes do NOT end in the same place so like... its valid if i try and give up... I would just love to do this because i WANT to listen to the audiobook... and if its too annoying trying to sync audio to text when i know the audio varies off from the text half the time, then i might just try to listen to the audiobook ON its own)

listen to DeFrancis Chinese Readers Audio (i can look at the book, optional, if i’d like... i should USE the books since i bought them lol. Emphasis on trying to shadowing the dialogues because so much is basics i should be able to speak decently. I’m thinking this would be a good replacement for ‘background listening’ for when i finish chinese spoonfed audio. Also i really want to utilize these textbooks since i bought them ToT)

read 2ha

read Can Ci Pin!

read Tian Ya Ke (extensive reading like guardian, the eng translation then the chinese chapters... reading might go faster this way then with constant word lookup in Pleco, tho i can of course read in Pleco instead if I want)

read Qi Ye (same thing as above - read the eng translation, and then the chinese version either extensive or in Pleco with word lookup)

read yuwu

read the new priest novels E Danglars translated!

FINISH tamendegushi (the chinese novel i keep reading HALF of then giving up)

FINISH tamendegushi COMIC (i literally own the manhua print but when will i finish reading ToT)

Possibly Listen-Read to MoDaoZuShi, SVSSS (both have audiobooks now. A plus of mdzs is i have never read it so it would be a surprise. A plut of svsss is i’ve l-r method 8 chapters before and the audiobook matches VERY in line with the chapter endings so its super easy to follow along)

read DaoMuBiJi books (a long endeavor... currently mostly just reading the english translations, i’m on book 3. But I was reading the chinese version too which i could switch to if i want a reading material in Pleco or just extensive reading... but reading it in chinese is not a priority yet...)

[theunvanquishedzims]

The Michigan Fleet authors posted their AUs so here are mine

theunvanquishedzims: I have SO MANY Boat Boy ideas but I'm sitting on them because I came up with a bunch halfway through the book and they got jossed by the end rollerskatinglizard: Hah! Uhhh, sorry? I think?? theunvanquishedzims: (i.e. Basil gets sad and weepy over Rich and Liam flirting at a party, Trimmer plays fairy godmother a la ripping half his shirt off, giving him a pep talk, and sending him back out there to Win Back His Man) rollerskatinglizard: *whooping* theunvanquishedzims: Jossed so hard rollerskatinglizard:Okay, that's DELIGHTFUL rollerskatinglizard: Trimmer is the most terrifying fairy godmother rollerskatinglizard: Anything else? :Dc theunvanquishedzims: Lemme get my notes rollerskatinglizard: *gleeful wiggling*

theunvanquishedzims: Okay so I stopped reading when the Sympatico grabbed Rich during the storm and it took me a month or so to get back and finish, so I was under the impression that the ship was still being fixed in drydock and not, y'know, actually being crewed and sailed. (Trimmer yelling "just let her sink" hits reeeeeaaaallly different when you know that) rollerskatinglizard: Ahaha oh dang theunvanquishedzims: So the big idea was the gangsters needing something from the Sympatico. Not the general thugs and delinquents crewing the Sympatico but the actual organized crime of the Fleet, who were getting pretty used to using ships like the Sympatico to run their dirty deeds through. Except it's basically impossible to get what they need out of it, even when they drag out one of the old IST guys. He finally tells them Rich was the one who did the heavy lifting for the past few years rollerskatinglizard: Ooooh! rollerskatinglizard: What an interesting idea! theunvanquishedzims: Hang on I need to restart rollerskatinglizard: Ah yes, computers theunvanquishedzims: Sorry, that turned into a dinner break and running errands During which I came up with a couple new AUs theunvanquishedzims: Okay, back to mafia: they track Rich down, probably snag him after he's been out boarding. Off work, not expected back on the ship, tired from all the exercise, etc. They're not overtly threatening, just pick up his skimmer and politely suggest that he comes help them, and he probably goes quietly because there's like, six of them. I'm thinking only one of whom was actually posted on the Sympatico theunvanquishedzims: So they get back to the Sympatico. She's been temporarily decommissioned until the Fleet can fix her broken processes, but that's also a cover story by the mob. They want to clear out all the smuggled goods and information, but she's basically a ghost ship, silent and empty, and even the other IST guy couldn't get more than a few blinking lights. She's sulking basically, she knows they're not there to fix her so she's digging in her heels and playing dead. Like a toddler going ragdoll when they don't want to go to bed. theunvanquishedzims: They explain to Rich that they can't get a response and want him to take a crack at it. "Has she said anything?" "Who?" "The Sympatico." "...we didn't talk to it." "Well that's half your problem right there." theunvanquishedzims: At this point you should watch Show Yourself from Frozen 2, and the crystal scene from Atlantis the Lost Empire. Stepping into the place you've been called, making your presence known, and having a greater power reach out for you. Shiny lights, chasing the spark of life to its source, and having the power consume and embody you. Rich is used to it but it's probably pretty freaky from the outside, and way less magical-looking than a Disney movie. Probably more like when Magneto activated the machine in the first X-Men movie. Step up, turn it on, and suddenly it's sucking the life out of you, making you a living battery theunvanquishedzims: In my head I am picturing the glowing blue eyes, lights cracking along the skin like lightning or circuit patterns, the implants glowing in his temples, standing at a terminal like a star trek deck, maybe a faint breeze-like movement of the hair and clothes to indicate the sheer power radiating off of him. In reality it's probably more like he falls down, gets up, stumbles along to a good spot out of the weather, and curls up in a secluded defensible spot to stare emptily at the wall for a few hours while lights randomly go on and off around the ship theunvanquishedzims: Just being trailed by six very wary mafia dudes who have probably never seen someone mind-meld a ship, and definitely not solo. He's like a zombie, and when he does talk it's very clear he's talking for the both of them theunvanquishedzims: If any of them are in sync with the ship they definitely feel the !!!Rich you're back!!! vibe theunvanquishedzims: No idea how that resolves, I guess it depends on how powerful the mafia is. If they're the kind of entrenched criminals who are ongoing characters, then they have Rich scrub out what they need then dump him back on his skimmer to face the fallout alone. He might report it to the spooks? Or at least try to tell Basil and Mitch theunvanquishedzims: If they're not recurring characters then they were definitely being tracked by the spooks, who move in once the Sympatico comes back online. Rich has to answer some very tough questions but he cooperates fully and winds up digging up a LOT of dirt out of the Sympatico, now that the mafia showed him where to look. It's another one of the super traumatizing moments that makes him look cool and heroic. Oh yeah, totally got kidnapped, single-handedly piloted a ship, and helped bust the mafia, please stop talking about it, I need a nap, and also someone to go with me next time I go boarding. theunvanquishedzims: (And then I finished reading the book and found out that the Sympatico had a new crew and was out on the water with her AI still fried and broken, how did no one notice that)

__________________________________________

theunvanquishedzims: Okay I don't have Trimmer's voice well enough to write this fic so I'm feeding it to you raw: Trucker AU theunvanquishedzims: Rich is a long-haul trucker, much to the disappointment of his elder sister Angela, who is in law enforcement and thought he had a decent future in it too. Athena is a pro wrestler and totally down to support her brother traveling the country (and hopefully being in the same city as him sometime, she wants him to see her kick ass!) Rich wants to pursue a degree in [tech or engineering] but college is expensive, and trucking is a good way to make money, on top of which you don't have to pay rent when you're on the road. So he's saving up for school, probably listening to a lot of audiobooks, podcasts, and training guides while chugging along. theunvanquishedzims: Not nearly as bad or sketchy as the Sympatico, but life on the road can get pretty sketch sometimes, especially when you're alone. Enter Trimmer. Or rather, enter Rich into the middle-of-nowhere trucker stopover bar where Trimmer is getting his ass kicked. theunvanquishedzims: (Gonna go ahead and say the bar is called the Sympatico, and this is a very bad night to be there, which is saying something because any night at the Sympatico is a bad night to be there.) theunvanquishedzims: Fortunately, Rich is not trapped there by the cold uncaring waters of Lake Michigan, he can just turn around and leave when he sees the nightly fight brewing. Unfortunately, he has a weakness for cute twinks, and no matter how much the guy is insulting their mothers four on one is really not fair, so he winds up wading in, scooping Trimmer up, and murder-stalking to the exit theunvanquishedzims: [At this point I pause to stare out the window and wonder wistfully what their canon meeting was like, who approached who, if Trimmer just straight-up used his lunch to hire a bodyguard or if Rich did the "are you gonna finish that" puppy-eyes and Trimmer realized how easily he could be bribed, etc etc] theunvanquishedzims: In the Trucker AU Trimmer waits until they're outside to go feral goblin on the arm that's holding him, Rich drops him, and negotiation commences theunvanquishedzims: I don't have Trimmer's backstory nailed down, the "teenage runaway" archetype doesn't really suit someone with a large loving family, but safe to say that whatever lead him to hitchhiking across the Midwest he is determined to see through out of sheer bullheaded stubbornness. The only thing worse than calling your parents to bail you out with bus money home is calling your grandma. It might have involved stabbing a college advisor when the guy got rapey, he's technically not on the run from the law, he DEFINITELY is not on track to getting his degree. Halfway between college dropout and missing person. If he was wealthy he'd be backpacking Europe for a semester, but he's not, so he's hitchhiking America. And getting molested by truckers, because Trimmer can't have nice things. theunvanquishedzims: He is really not interested in getting molested by Rich! But, as Rich points out, he did just save him from getting stabbed, Trimmer doesn't seem to have any exit options for this backwater town, and holy #&$^ the bar's on fire. (The Sympatico burns to the ground that night, to the betterment of the world at large.) rollerskatinglizard: You have no idea how much I'm enjoying this But you should totally post it Splick and Roach would both scream in glee theunvanquishedzims: Rich and Trimmer get out while the getting is good, and it's nearly dawn before they finally hash out details. Rich offers to drop him off at the next town, but they're still pretty close to the epicenter of the mass exodus so the next few hundred miles are probably not going to be safe for Trimmer. By this point Trimmer has found a bunch of the old textbooks Rich bought secondhand to study in his free time and come to the conclusion that [this nerd is a nerd] his story checks out. Just a college kid trying to scrape together the cash to get an education and make a decent living. Reminds Trimmer of Trimmer. (Reminds Trimmer of Joey.) rollerskatinglizard: ;u; <3 Beautiful theunvanquishedzims: So now Rich has a little traveling buddy! Helps him stay awake on the long hauls, lets him use the carpool lanes, even reads to him out of the textbooks sometimes, with commentary. Trimmer is really smart and surprisingly easy to get along with. They nap in the cab, eat in diners, and share motel rooms. Trimmer unclenches a little. Rich is good about not asking personal questions. They definitely watch Athena's fights on tv more than once, much to Rich's chagrin and Trimmer's loud encouragement. He started fanboying over it to annoy and embarrass Rich, but it is surprisingly cathartic to watch someone get trash-talked and respond by just BODYSLAMMING their opponent. ("Why are you rooting for her, you're the biggest trash-talker I know," Rich mutters into his beer, face bright red as Trimmer whoops and high-fives the waitress he got to change the channel in the sports bar.) theunvanquishedzims: ("She would wipe the floor with me," Trimmer responds with a smirk, watching smugly as Rich tries to figure out if Trimmer is having impure thoughts about his baby sister) theunvanquishedzims: (They have already established that Trimmer does not have impure thoughts about Rich, that Rich DOES have impure thoughts about Trimmer, but as long as he stays in his own motel bed that's fine.) (Trimmer still sleeps with a knife under his pillow but doesn't bother in the cab, where their co-naps occasionally verge on snuggling.) rollerskatinglizard: <3 <3 <3 *perfect* theunvanquishedzims: They finally reach their destination. It has been [days to drive a rig between NJ and CA] and they make it there slightly ahead of schedule. Rich drops off the delivery, Trimmer comes face-to-face with the reality of the trip ending. He'd been hitchhiking for months and felt like he was going nowhere, and now a few days and suddenly he's crossed the entire country, and almost kinda maybe had fun doing it! And California's as good a place as any to stay, at least he won't freeze to death if he doesn't find a place to crash for the night. theunvanquishedzims: Then Rich comes back and hands him a wad of cash, pocketing a stack of his own. "Got a cash bonus for finishing early! And since you're the reason I made it here this fast, I just figured part of it is your share..." he peters out, trying to explain his reasoning. They sit in silence for a while, both thinking about Trimmer in California, far away from anyone who would want to hurt him, with a few hundred dollars in his pocket. theunvanquishedzims: "...Let's get lunch," Trimmer finally decrees, and Rich can't keep the relieved smile off his face. They renegotiate some things over lunch, and then go to pick up the next load to haul cross-country. Together. rollerskatinglizard: AWWWWWW!!!! *YES,* I love it!!! theunvanquishedzims: And then eventually they go to college together, and get their degrees, and good jobs, and meet the families, and Trimmer absolutely drags Rich to as many of Athena's fights as they can manage on the road. It's just to save money, things are cheaper when you split the rent, Trimmer hollers on the phone. You put a ring on that boy's finger, y'hear?! Hellbender hollers back. I am so glad the word moirail exists rollerskatinglizard: YES God yes Also this AU pleases me greatly rollerskatinglizard: Blessings upon you for it theunvanquishedzims: ...technically the Michigan Fleet takes place in a post-Homestuck world, so theoretically it could have time to enter mainstream lexicon. It's better than "bromance" theunvanquishedzims: JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE >.> rollerskatinglizard: Yeah, totally different feel than bromance!

_____________________________________

theunvanquishedzims: Speaking of Homestuck! Wanna hear the Helmsman AU? :3 rollerskatinglizard: YES PLEASE theunvanquishedzims: Okay gimme a minute to get my notes, it's not based on One of Our Submarines but I can't remember the fic title. Have you read the one where the kids redesign the helmsrig and use that to garner support for Feferi as Empress? Lots of political drama, Sollux-centric, [spoiler], and in the end they win *but at what cost* (((If someone knows what fic I'm talking about please link me, I can't find it.))) rollerskatinglizard: No, I haven't theunvanquishedzims: It's good, if you like the nitty-gritty of rebellions. The piece I'm cherry picking is the new Empress introducing a new way of helming that allows more freedom. Instead of a single enslaved lowblood being hung up in tentacle wires until they drop dead, it's something you can unplug from, allowing psionics to swap out, take shifts, etc. So Empress Clearwater (yay seadweller name) is dead, long live Empress Clearwater, and she shakes things up by introducing her new helmsrig and orders it implemented Fleet-wide theunvanquishedzims: I don't think this universe is as bad as canon but it's still pretty rough on the bad ships, and the Sympatico is a very bad ship theunvanquishedzims: Angie is still a security officer, probably fairly high-ranking as a greenblood. Athena is a pro wrestler. Sports are probably a bigger part of life in a Fleet that doesn't center around conquest. The three probably grew up in the same neighborhood, maybe dabbled in quadrants before settling on hatefriends. Oooh, or ash, Athena setting them up to talk out their issues over lunch and then heckle each other over their other quadrants could fit in that quadrant. theunvanquishedzims: Rich is, of course, a helmsman. It's rare for someone that close to jade to be so powerful, he was actually planning on a career in tech, but when he got called in for psionic testing he basically crushed it. Possibly literally. And olive is still technically a lowblood, so off to the helm with you. theunvanquishedzims: His first posting is the Sympatico, and it's a nightmare. The one bright spot (dark spot? How do trolls even. *insert rant about Kanaya being pastel goth not goth-goth*) theunvanquishedzims: The one bright spot is Trimmer, a technician whose survival method is to lock himself in the helm dock and stab anybody who tries to mess with Rich when he's piloting. It's basically how things work in the superstorms, but 75-90% of the time instead of a few times a year theunvanquishedzims: Rich can barely talk most days, they communicate via chat client, and even that requires a lot of brainpower so they can't do it when the Sympatico has to fight something or do difficult maneuvers in space, which is pretty frequently. But Rich keeps an eye out for Trimmer, directing him through the ship to help him avoid people and fights, and tweaking things like hall lights when things get hairy. I think at least once he turned off the gravity, it cost him but it got Trimmer out of a really bad situation and gave him an excuse to hole up in the helmsdeck for a few days until things cooled off theunvanquishedzims: But all that is in the past! There's a new Empress, a new crew, and a new way of helming! theunvanquishedzims: The Sympatico is one of the flagships to roll out the new helmsrig. The original crew was disbanded, culled, reassigned. Trimmer was allowed to stay (at Rich's request) to ease the transition. It's a big day, lots of media attention documenting the new helmsmen, and Rich is doing his best to keep calm. He had to do some physical therapy to stand upright and be able to walk from the big speech to his shiny new helmsrig, but as a fairly young recruit he's not nearly as bad off as some older helmsmen whose bodies have atrophied. He's still pretty skinny though, especially when compared to Angie and Athena, who he reunited with (for the cameras) #helmsmenaretrollstoo, #greenc3<green, #omgishipit, see things are much better now, people can reclaim their lives and quadrants, helming is something to be excited for not scared of, etc. Lots of propaganda, lots of attention, lots of pressure to get this right theunvanquishedzims: And then he walks into the helm and Trimmer is there. Rich would probably have had a meltdown if he hadn't been, but no one can tell because they're so calm and professional. They're both cleaned up and impeccably uniformed, the plugging in goes smoothly, and the Sympatico comes to life and lifts off into the sky into a sunset that would make a Hollywood director weep. The cameras turn off, great job everybody, and things return to normal. Except Rich and Trimmer have no idea how to handle normal. For the first 8 hours it's fine, it's good, it's a little weird that Trimmer looks so tidy and that Rich is sitting in a padded chair instead of being flesh-jacked by tentacles, but it's fine. They chat over text, a little stilted but plenty to catch up on theunvanquishedzims: Rich spies on the new crew and gossips about how boring they are and how weird the ship looks with everything cleared out and well-lit, and wow where did that section of storage come from? Oh right that used to be a hidden smuggling nook. Haha nook. See they're fine, they're laughing at the same old jokes. DEFINITELY weird that Rich is physically laughing. And then their relief shift comes on, with the new 2nd shift helmsman, and it's time for Rich to get unplugged for the day and go. Go to his room, which he has now, or to eat, which he can do now, or any one of a million things that normal trolls do, because he's a normal troll now. (This is turning out a little different from in my head but I like it.) He makes it about two hallways, walking silently side-by-side with Trimmer, before he breaks down. Or rather Trimmer breaks down. Or maybe they both simultaneously break, there is a lot of breaking happening, and it's not great that it's happening in the hall where anybody could walk by and where the new helmsman is almost certainly seeing them and possibly reporting them, and Trimmer's flight instincts are to run back to the helm where it's safe but Rich isn't there, RICH was the reason it was safe and he's not at the helm, he's right there in the hall. Rich, I know not how, picks up Trimmer and gets them to him room. It' close by, thank goodness, and it has a lock on the door, how weird, and Trimmer is there. He missed Trimmer so so much. rollerskatinglizard: ;u; <3<3<3<3 theunvanquishedzims: [The following scene contains content too graphic for wigglers under the age of seven sweeps] rollerskatinglizard: *laughing* Hardcore conciliation!!! theunvanquishedzims: From Trimmer's POV: Merrill requested him to remain a tech on the Sympatico. Makes sense, he was the only one who treated the guy like an actual troll and not a drooling mass of computational power. They got caught up, it's weird how clean and quiet the ship is, no fights to report beyond a spat in the cafeteria that turned out to be pitch flirtation. His shirtcuffs itch and he wants to roll them up but it's day one of the new empire and he doesn't want to get culled for being untidy on the Empress's pet project ship. There's so many other things to get culled for, anyway. And then shift is over. (Weird, he's used to working 16-hour days and sleeping in the helmdeck half the time.) And he has to unplug Merrill (double weird, he's not used to touching Merrill unless it's for a physical repair. Very aware of Rich as a physical person, especially when he's standing up and not obscured in a mass of tentacles.) And then they leave, together, which is WEIRD, because for sweeps Trimmer has been sneaking out of the helmdeck to go on a food run with Merrill texting him directions, and there's no Merrill on screen providing guidance to avoid fights, but there's not gonna BE any fights, and everything is the same but different and looks weird and shiny and there's a giant troll right next to him, stalking him, why didn't Merrill warn him?! rollerskatinglizard: Oh NO, ahaha, oh these poor doofuses theunvanquishedzims: From Rich's POV: he's been seeing these hallways for sweeps, but not from this angle, the ship is so familiar but so foreign to him, and he can't hear her, can't feel her, and he keeps reaching out for her even after all that training he did to get used to the new tech, there's still an absence and some part of his brain that says not being linked to the ship means something has gone catastrophically wrong and everyone onboard is going to die, TRIMMER is going to die, Trimmer is freaking out and hyperventilating next to him, Trimmer's running out of oxygen and the ship isn't responding to him to tell him what's wrong with the oxygen, and then Trimmer goes to bolt back to the helm but that's full of strange trolls and a new helmsman, and that knowledge is enough to shake him back to the situation at hand. He doesn't know where he finds the strength or the presence of mind, but he manages to grab up Trimmer and get them back to safety. It's just that safety is now his berth, not the helm. They're alone in his berth. And Trimmer is still freaking out. Sh-shoosh? Shoosh. Shooooooosh. theunvanquishedzims: Everything is diamonds and snow and beautiful shining crystals (in the movies that will someday be made about this day.) In the moment there's a lot more hyperventilating and snot. Basically, culmination behind the entire fic: do they actually have feelings for each other, or was it just about mutual survival the whole time? rollerskatinglizard: INCREDIBLY ADORABLE AND INTIMATE COMFORT, *YESSSS* Thank you yes, I'll have a dozen God that's splendid theunvanquishedzims: And they're both freaking out, Rich is hungry and physically tired and needs to do a lot of stretches, Trimmer is not used to Rich being huge and mobile and right next to him, and they both have crazy big trust issues, but...yeah, they're pale. They're so pale for each other, and it was so hard during the transition not seeing each other and not knowing how the other felt, not knowing how THEY felt, if they really had feelings or if it was all a bad situation. And now they know. They have feelings. And because they're trolls and not humans, they can flop on a pile and talk about those feelings in a non-platonic way, and Rich can pet Trimmer's hair and tell him how pretty he is and how Rich is glad that Trimmer got it properly cut instead of just hacking it too short for someone to grab, and how much he worried in the hall about not being able to see farther than his own field of vision to keep Trimmer out of harm's way, and how this whole thing is so weird and Rich is so scared but he's just really, really happy that Trimmer took the posting on the Sympatico, because he pities Trimmer and he wants him around and he was so glad that Trimmer wanted to still be around him too theunvanquishedzims: The media always depicts piling as either the traditional fairytale highblood freakout, or an extremely mellow ASMR-ish chillout with lots of hairpetting and horn polishing. Not two midbloods looting a mostly-empty room for enough junk to make a large enough pile to sit on, shrieking at each other about their feelings and how weird this is and why didn't you SAY something, me?! why didn't YOU say something?! Three SWEEPS we've been dancing around this! Well I didn't know if you felt the same way or if you just needed me to survive! Etc etc etc. Lots of getting up and stomping around , pacing the floor while ranting, trying to scavenge more stuff to throw on the pile. Rich owns basically nothing and it's the first time he's not judging Trimmer for keeping his room a garbage heap, even empty pizza boxes would be better than trying to make a pile out of two sweaters and a toothbrush. rollerskatinglizard: XDDD TuT aaaaah, YES theunvanquishedzims: Rich definitely rips off a wall panel and pulls out some wires, Trimmer doesn't even question it, they've lived and breathed this ship long enough to know what every wire does and which are nonessential to ship functioning. And with the wall panel crunched up they can pile stuff around it to make it seem less sparse, and wow it doesn't even matter that he pulled a panel down, this is HIS wall in HIS room now, he can "redecorate" as he sees fit, cue more yelling about how he doesn't know what to do with himself or his newfound freedom. The whole thing is just yelling and cussing and grabbing and shaking. It probably looks black from the outside, but they are swimming in palest cream. theunvanquishedzims: Eventually they give up on the pile. They go through Rich's entire perigee of snack rations to avoid having to go to the cafeteria, halfheartedly make fun of Rich's chewing, then crawl into the recuperacoon together. Thank goodness there was such a big push to show off how great helmsmen's lives will be, Rich scored a blueblood-huge 'coon and he's still skinny enough that they can both fit in it together. They sleep together, in sopor like proper trolls with proper lives as opposed to surrounded by pink tentacles and misery. Tomorrow they'll have to venture out for food, and do Rich's stretches and physical therapy, and head to their shift like the galaxy hasn't flipped upside-down, but they're handle that together. rollerskatinglizard: Oh help, my heart!! TuT It's SO CUTE, AAAAAAAH theunvanquishedzims: Okay my computer has been trying to shut down for the last three paragraphs so I think it's time to log off for the night, but I hope you enjoy the AUs, I will tell you more tomorrow rollerskatinglizard: Thank you so much!! Have a good night! theunvanquishedzims: (In the original version Rich and Trimmer came face-to-face for the first time since the Sympatico was busted up and Rich pulled out for rehab, and basically had a giant pale meltdown right there against the wall. There was purring, and crying, and confessions, all caught on film. Athena and Angie definitely saw. It had to be censored out of the broadcast. Someone uploaded it to Troll Pornhub and it won a Troll Pornhub Emmy for Truth in Journalism, which was not a category the Troll Pornhub Emmys had before, so congrats Merrill and Trimmer) rollerskatinglizard: *dying* oh my GOD Rich would blush so hard he'd keel over

_________________________________________

theunvanquishedzims: I woke up to the idea of Rich as Fezzik and Trimmer as Inigo Montoya (book version.) rollerskatinglizard: Hah! Oh man, delightful theunvanquishedzims: Soft-hearted giant and stabby little friend rollerskatinglizard: Yesss theunvanquishedzims: Only problem is Trimmer's grudge seems to be against the entire world, not any particular murderer theunvanquishedzims: But they could definitely take on the Zoo of Death together rollerskatinglizard: It could be both, in the AU! Specific grudge and also he hates everyone theunvanquishedzims: Instead of not being left-handed he pulls his feet out of his boots and surprise! More hands to stab you with Makes the acrobatics on top of the cliff more exciting rollerskatinglizard: *dying* YES Perfect! theunvanquishedzims: I don't know who the Man in Black of most beautiful woman in the world would be, but Rich catching them jumping out a window to whisk them away on horseback is lovely rollerskatinglizard: *strokes chin thoughtfully* If Rich is Fezzik, I think Basil might as well be the beautiful love interest, and Mitch is his farm boy turned dashing rogue theunvanquishedzims: Mitch and Trimmer sword fighting rollerskatinglizard: YES theunvanquishedzims: Mitch going through hell and back to save his lady love, then Rich shows up with the horses and says "hello pretty lady" and Basil is just swooning over him rollerskatinglizard: Mitch is pretty chill with Rich by then, he can handle sharing Rich didn't try *hard* to kill him, after all theunvanquishedzims: He even made it a fair fight instead of ambushing him He put down the rock and Mitch put down the sword and they tried to kill each other like civilized people rollerskatinglizard: *laughing* Yes, exactly theunvanquishedzims: Rich even helped bring him back from being mostly dead rollerskatinglizard: They're practically best buddies now! theunvanquishedzims: Which I imagine is 1000x funnier because Trimmer hates this guy and doesn't want to help him but he has info Trimmer needs rollerskatinglizard: Rich just being reprovingly like Come on, buddy, he's cool really I KNOW you bonded over your sword fight with him Don't lie Trimmer: HE'S STILL A DIPSHIT theunvanquishedzims: Trimmer: It was a little fun to take the boots off I guess, I don't get to do that often rollerskatinglizard: Hahaha yes theunvanquishedzims: Downside of being the best swordsman in the world, nobody can touch you. UNTIL NOW. Trimmer: I killed the guy but now I have nothing to live for. Mitch: Have you considered piracy? Stabbing people all day and all the rope ladders you can climb rollerskatinglizard: *dying* theunvanquishedzims: Now Trimmer's life goal is to reclaim his title of Best Swordsman, which means fighting Mitch a lot rollerskatinglizard: Which they both enjoy Sometimes Trimmer wins, sometimes Mitch does rollerskatinglizard: Roach points out that Liam would be Miracle Max theunvanquishedzims: I was just about to type that! rollerskatinglizard: Heee! Good brain wave theunvanquishedzims: You need a cure for death? Nope, sorry. You need to it humiliate my mortal enemy? Coming right up! rollerskatinglizard: YUP theunvanquishedzims: Slipping Rich the holocaust cloak "because it fits so nice" rollerskatinglizard: Pfff yes theunvanquishedzims: Which is said with a million more winky faces than the movie rollerskatinglizard: XDDD Naturally Liam is a much higher-libido mad scientist-substitute theunvanquishedzims: He doesn't have a wife he has like six boyfriend minions hanging around in various states of undress. He got fired for banging the king when he was the royal miracle man, he did a good job but the prince found it icky. rollerskatinglizard: *dying* YES theunvanquishedzims: Basil as Buttercup tho. Basil: Mitch is a good friend. :) Just a great buddy. :)) Kind of smelly but a nice boy. :))) Someone: *might possibly find Mitch attractive* Basil: What? Why. No. Why would she. I mean yeah he's smart and muscular and tan and broad-shouldered and has perfect teeth and his sweat glistens in the sun as he does his chores shirtless, but c'mon, he's not THAT much hotter than her middle-aged husband. No way. rollerskatinglizard: *snickering* rollerskatinglizard: My cowriters very enjoy this AU concept, btw, thank you theunvanquishedzims: Excellent theunvanquishedzims: Trimmer: I told him I was there to kill him and he just...ran away? Mitch: Who does that? rollerskatinglizard: *snickering* theunvanquishedzims: Basil being a slobby peasant until two minutes after Mitch leaves, then realizing he has to take care of himself if he wants to keep Mitch's attention, and only then starting to regularly bathe and brush his hair and work on his figure. rollerskatinglizard: Snirk! Sounds about right, doofus nerd that he is theunvanquishedzims: Then he becomes a princess and has two servants per limb to keep him clean and shining, so when Mitch sneaks into the wedding announcement crowd his first view of Basil is 1. clean 2. shiny hair 3. dressed like a queen

_______________________________

General book chit-chat, no specific AU

theunvanquishedzims: I saw the post about the Sympatico crew having a very different view of Rich than his friends and now I am consumed with the idea of Rich being seen as scary by anyone who knows him for more than a single minute. Like, he flinches at the sight of a uniform, he can't stand to be in a room with more than one other person in it, and he's so busy working he doesn't really have time to go around carving out a territory rollerskatinglizard: Right? You'd think it'd be tricky, but apparently no theunvanquishedzims: And now there's video of him covered in kittens, and doing cool board tricks, and pretending a little barbel is too heavy to lift, and also he might be in the news for taking down a murderous conspiracy at the Mall. rollerskatinglizard: *laughing* Indeed theunvanquishedzims: Where did big scary monster Merrill go, who is this marshmallow rollerskatinglizard: What scam is he trying to run?!? theunvanquishedzims: Oooh, I pity the fool who is assigned to a boat with Officer Merrill. Double flinch response rollerskatinglizard: RIGHT? *OH SHIT, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE* And she's ARMED theunvanquishedzims: Try to blow off some steam by watching some wrestling, A THIRD ONE rollerskatinglizard: Some poor dumbass who sneered at Trimmer once ends up hiding out on a penny boat bc there's MERRILLS EVERYWHERE, IT'S NOT SAFE OUT THERE theunvanquishedzims: *dying laughing* I imagine a non-terrible Sympatico crew member meeting reformed Rich is like those Very Special Episodes where the hero's high school bully or childhood bad influence friend comes to town, and they're so nice and friendly and apologetic about what happened back in the day rollerskatinglizard: We actually have an encounter something like that planned! theunvanquishedzims: The hero's friends are all charmed and the hero can't convince anyone that it's all an act, he's secretly still terrible, look I'll prove it *does something that makes the hero look bad and the reformed guy look like a victim* Yaaaaaaaaay!!! Outside perspective is the BEST rollerskatinglizard: Rich and this random dude, both acting like the other one is a total menace Meanwhile, anyone who's known either of them since is like ....No?? He's a fine guy, perfectly reasonable Merrill, stop growling theunvanquishedzims: Two Spider-Men pointing at each other rollerskatinglizard: Hah! Yes theunvanquishedzims: Also the fact that Rich has gotten BIGGER since leaving the Sympatico is probably a shock rollerskatinglizard: OH yeah theunvanquishedzims: Richard "Cranky Because He's Slowly Starving To Death" Merrill rollerskatinglizard: I mean, it's a shock to Rich When he hits another growth spurt So it's definitely a shock to anyone else theunvanquishedzims: Oh yeah, he was like 17 when he was first assigned there, nowhere near done growing yet Richard "My Shirts Rip When I Flex Wrong" Merrill rollerskatinglizard: *snickering* He'd look so sheepish and disgruntled if someone gave him that "I flexed and the sleeves fell off" shirt theunvanquishedzims: I am so glad Trimmer got to him before, like, a gang could figure out he's easily bribed with food. Things could have gone so much worse, corruption-wise rollerskatinglizard: YUP theunvanquishedzims: I just finished Athena and the Midnight Chicken and WOW Rich was actually kind of close to giving in to peer pressure there, if Athena hadn't thrown herself towards the proverbial sword he might have let himself be talked into something he really didn't want to do. rollerskatinglizard: It's possible! Baby Rich is very weak to peer pressure theunvanquishedzims: If they had been smart and manipulative and laid the groundwork first it would have been even easier, not just "here's a knife let your ingrained killing instincts do the work" rollerskatinglizard: Yeah! It could've gone much worse theunvanquishedzims: In the wrong hands Rich would make a very good, very sad soldier But like, deep down inside sad where no one could see it. rollerskatinglizard: That was actually close to his original story when I came up with him

[I’ll check with Skates to see if it’s okay to post that bit]

theunvanquishedzims: I'm already nervous about those two Horrible Old Men rollerskatinglizard: Which two? theunvanquishedzims: My face went D: at the idea that there's more than two rollerskatinglizard: *pats u gently* theunvanquishedzims: The werewolf guy with the boys on leashes is the one that makes my instincts scream KILL IT WITH FIRE, but there's also the one with the scar on his face? I wanna say Arthur Carroway rollerskatinglizard: >u> Gosh, Zims, idk WHY you'd be worried about him Just bc my tablet keyboard knows how to spell Carraway That's no reason to be concerned! rollerskatinglizard: Maybe Splick made him the [tarot] Devil bc he's devilishly handsome! Did you think of that?? theunvanquishedzims: I am terrified of him showing up, I know I'll be cringing too hard to keep reading right away. Men who abuse positions of power are so squicky, I couldn't even stand to watch the Office and Michael Scott is like, the most benign example of the trope But yeah a guy like that getting to Rich as a younger more mallable person, fresh-faced and eager to please. Ugh. Such a bad ending. rollerskatinglizard: YUP theunvanquishedzims: William Sandgren is the other one, I think rollerskatinglizard: Fortunately Rich did get rescued originally! I don't do sad endings theunvanquishedzims: He looks cool, I don't immediately want him dead for my own safety rollerskatinglizard: <u< theunvanquishedzims: ...I will ignore that face and continue to think of him as the lesser of two evils for now rollerskatinglizard: Absolutely feel free! ^u^ theunvanquishedzims: When I thought about this earlier I imagined Liam actually being the one to start a pissing contest with Arthur. Rich guy vs criminal guy, my grandmother bedazzled the skulls of her enemies, your teeth would make a lovely necklace, etc etc "Well I'd love to get them around your throat" ;) rollerskatinglizard: You know Liam QUITE well theunvanquishedzims: I'm a visual learner, so all the illustrations are helping me flesh out characteristics. Liam smiling like a psycho while his face drips blood is very telling. rollerskatinglizard: Hah!!! Right? God, he's SUCH a little firebrand theunvanquishedzims: (Also, AU where Liam is the babydoll heir and Rich is the soldier mod bodyguard he climbs like a tree) rollerskatinglizard: We have definitely discussed that AU thoughtfully >u> It's good, v tasty theunvanquishedzims: Rich is all THIS GOES AGAINST THE RULES and Liam is all oh you like being told what to do hmm? >:3~ rollerskatinglizard: Rich: God this is SUCH a bad idea, I'm gonna get so fired Liam: Not if you're good enough at it! theunvanquishedzims: I imagine without a pregnancy they'd be able to keep it under wraps slightly longer than grandma Beaker rollerskatinglizard: True! theunvanquishedzims: "Under wraps" like everyone in the house can't hear them rollerskatinglizard: Pffff YUP theunvanquishedzims: Ugh now I'm remembering Trimmer being scared of Rich getting drunk and pushy and I'm sad again rollerskatinglizard: No one likes Rich's drinking except Rich rollerskatinglizard: It's okay tho, Trimmer trusts Rich more after that theunvanquishedzims:I think he'll figure it out given enough time. Rich: Well everyone drinks because work sucks. Basil and Mitch: Nope! Rich: Well I'm a soldier mod so it just LOOKS like I'm drinking a lot. Angie and Thena: Nope! Rich: Well I have trauma from the Sympatico so I need alcohol to deal with that. Trimmer: Nope! Rich: ...well I guess I have a problem then. :< Everyone: Yep! rollerskatinglizard: Indeed theunvanquishedzims: I am so curious about their origins, how the relationship developed, how apparently they had half a handjob between them and went NOPE NEVER AGAIN, how they wound up co-sleeping, if they ever cried on one another, etc etc rollerskatinglizard: I'm 100% certain that Rich cried on Trimmer at least once, while Trimmer awkwardly patted his hair and gently called him a wuss or something If Trimmer ever cried it would've been in the middle of the night, and none of them would ever mention it in the light of day theunvanquishedzims: Was that Trimmer's first posting? I know it was Rich's, so he kiiiind of didn't know any better, but Trimmer is older by a bit rollerskatinglizard: It definitely wasn't Trimmer's first, no, the latest in a long string of postings that went from okay to bad to worse theunvanquishedzims: Oh nooooooo No wonder he finally said screw it and got a solo boat rollerskatinglizard: Yep

[coal-wings-and-cold-fronts]

maple, amber, spice?

Maple: Is there a hobby/skill you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

Archery. My current hobbies are all very sedentary activities and I’d like to find one that involves a little more activity. I’m a complete failure at sports though lol, so archery seems like something I could do that doesn’t require much running or jumping.

Amber: Share an unpopular opinion you may have.

Chocolate flavored anything is good except for ice cream. And black licorice also tastes better than red. Going to the beach is overrated. Listening to an audiobook shouldn’t be considered “reading.” Most pajamas are unwearable and are either too scratchy or feel too silken to be comfortable. Twilight was an okay read for what it was. Not high class literature, but certainly not as horrible as everyone claims it is. Romantic comedies can be fun to watch, even if they might be a little corny sometimes. Guinea pigs are not good first time pets for young children. They’re a lot more fragile than most rodents and can get stressed very easily.

Spice: Have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

Now this is a question! lol

Only once when I was a little kid and I went along with my mom to take a tour of this house when we were looking for somewhere to move. It looked like a normal Victorian style house, if a little worn from the outside. But as soon as I stepped inside I felt this cold dread wash over me, and I started to feel vaguely nauseated. As we walked around, it felt like I was being watched, as if the walls had eyes that were following my every move. It was also very dark, even though some of the lights were on. It’s hard to describe, but it was just dark, like the shadows seemed bigger than they should have been and the colorful wallpaper just looked off and distorted. It was dead silent and everything was still. Then the next thing I remember, I was walking to the car with my mom, and the feeling of dread instantly lifted. I still look back on that experience and swear there’s a logical explanation for it, like maybe it was anxiety or something similar, but I’m no stranger to anxious feelings and I’ve never felt anything like that again. Sometimes I really do wonder if there was something malicious in there with us.

[glittercracker]

Kingkiller Crap

So, I’ve never really posted much here that involves my own thoughts. There are a number of reasons why, but whatever. I feel the need NOW to post some thoughts, and having no working independent blog (yet!) I suppose this is the place to dump them. PSA: none of this is about anime. None of this is frivolous or fun. TW for sexual abuse. You have been warned! So. I’ve been rereading the Kingkiller Chronicles. aka “Name of the Wind” and “The Wise Man’s Fear” and “That Other One That Shall Not Be Named.” This reread was, at the beginning, almost an afterthought. A way to keep my 13 yo happy on a 7 hour car ride. Except, he could not have cared less, and I got sucked back into the story (and okay, if that is how all our audiobook car rides go, meh? At least it keeps me sharp!) I raced through book one, and bought book 2 on audible with an eye to my upcoming surgery and recooperation. Book one was problematic in the places I remembered, but also as generally engaging as I remembered. And then book 2 happened, and surgery happened, and I have had weeks to lie in bed listening to this bloody interminable sequel, and I find myself lost in a morass of, “WTF was I ever THINKING?” Namely, how did I ever love this book enough to pine for the next? It’s been hard to put a finger on exactly what is making this time through book 2 both a slog and also vaguely, creepily uncomfortable, but if you’re interested, my rather stream-of-consciousness ramble of thoughts ensues. First, the male gaze that rears its head at times in book 1 predominates here. But while I don’t love the way Kvothe describes women, I also have 2 degrees in literature, and I’m beyond that being a reason not to read an otherwise engaging book. Second, Kvothe is a Gary Stu, for all of Rothfuss’s protestations to the contrary. Again, so far, so much traditional high fantasy. But while, say, Aragorn is content to just quietly be Awesome At Everything, Kvothe is a braggy little shit of a Gary Stu: the person you hated for announcing their perfect scores in that hs class you could never quite master. I could fill several pages with examples, but for some reason what really made me want to kick him in the head was not Felurian’s disbelief of his virginity (though really, jfc, REALLY?) Nope, it was the end of his time w the Ademrae (sp may be off, remember, I’m listening not reading!) when he crows about having learned the history of his sword 2 days earlier than expected. Why does this stick out? Oh, idk. Maybe bc he sucks so hard he can’t even get past the first obstacle in his practical final exam? Yet he still has to tell us how fucking awesome he is for remembering 6000 names of previous owners.

I know, I’m supposed to forgive his teenage idiocy. The internet sympathists (no pun intended!) keep telling me this. And I suppose that I would, IF this were a simple first-person narrative - but it isn’t. Let’s repeat that, and really think about it. This story is being narrated by an older and presumably wiser Kvothe who has lost everything - whose abilities have been expunged to the extent that he can’t open his own chest of Cool Stuff. He shows humility in his actions, mostly. And yet when discussing his 16 yo self, the humility evaporates, and he speaks with no kind of perspective or lens of accrued wisdom. He still compares women to instruments waiting for the “right” player (i.e. him) and defends this choice of words by saying, essentially, “You aren’t a musician, you don’t know!”

Interesting assumption for an innkeeper in a medieval-esque world. Interesting assumption if this is in fact authorial interjection, too, because I suspect the majority of this book’s audience *are* musicians to at least an extent, and I also suspect that the majority of us (yes, us - I own several beloved instruments, including a harp custom made for me as a wedding present from my husband) would not equate a human lover to even the most beloved of instruments.

But all of this is well-trodden critical ground. As far as I can tell, though, my third issue isn’t: although it’s perhaps the most glaringly tone-deaf example of all of Rothfuss’s excruciatingly tone-deaf portrayal of his world’s women. Namely, the two girls kidnapped and gang-raped by the fake Ruh.

Almost all of the criticism I’ve read on this section of TWMF concentrates on Kvothe’s treatment of the girls’ abusers. What’s interesting is that no one ever seems to write about Kvothe’s treatment of the girls themselves. Yes, he treats them kindly. He tends their wounds, he feeds them, he tries (and succeeds, of course) to draw Ellie out of her shocked stupor. 

Yet what he never once does, from the moment he takes control of the situation, is ask their opinions on any of this, including what their next step should be. He just decides to bring them back to their families - families who, in this type of society, might well disown them for being “ruined”. And the girls themselves, namely the intelligent and savvy Krin, seem to go blindly along with what he says. Why? Would Krin at least not question this, or object to his making decisions for her, when a group of men had so recently and brutally taken away all of her agency? Would she not question whether being brought back to her family is the best thing for the catatonic Ellie?

Okay, apparently not. So they return to their apparently very forgiving town. Kvothe stands up for the girls against the village shithead: thank you, Kvothe, bc I’m sure Krin could not have said those words herself. He assures the reader that they are with people who will love and care for them despite what has happened to them: thank you, Kvothe, though it’s stretching my credulity a bit that you would assume that no one will take issue with their deflowering. But then he “gifts” the girls the spoils of his slaughter: the horses, the valuables, the wagons. And I was about to give him a (grudging) pass for being decent about this, EXCEPT: he goes on to say that these goods are meant for the girls’ dowries. Specifically, to make them worth enough financially for potential husbands to overlook their loss of virginity. He even tells Krin not to settle for a less-than-lucrative marriage.

And suddenly, I was outraged. Why? Because a man who had witnessed the full extend of these women’s abuse brought them back to a backwater town believing that he was being magnanimous both in doing so, and in giving up whatever share he might have taken of the spoils of the debacle to make them financially lucrative marriage prospects. Because he never asked these traumatized girls if they might rather cut and run with the money than use it to make some man overlook their abuse in order to make them his property. He never even questions the idea that they will be grateful to submit to marriage contracts that will no doubt require them to have sex with their husbands, even though these women have been abused to the extent that they cannot sit a horse for *two days* after being rescued. And the worst part is that 20-something frame-story Kvothe doesn’t question this either; he just goes on to gloat about people singing songs about his daring rescue. Maybe I was just ready for a straw to break my benefit of the doubt. Or maybe this really is as outrageous as it feels. Either way, I can’t help being angry at Rothfuss. As a writer, I am very well aware that character and author are not the same thing; that authorial intent is not the same as authorial beliefs. But there are moments in some books when I have to wonder if that line is blurring, and this is one of them. Kvothe has literally JUST left a female-dominated country full of independent women happily doing their own thing. He has given these girls the means to find themselves a situation that will never require them to be beholden to a man again - even houses ffs, in the shape of those 2 wagons, should they want them. There are so many options beyond marriage: I can’t, for instance, think of a medieval society that didn’t have its version of a convent. Or, for Krin at least, why not the University? For that matter, why not marry her himself, and then set her free to do as she likes under the awning of a respectable marriage? 

Instead he returns them to their fathers, and likewise gives their fathers the means to marry them off with no argument. Who, after all, holds the reins of the horses at the end? Why does Kvothe assume that these families will actually use the wealth even in the dubious way that he recommends?

And in this, I think, I am justified in giving Rothfuss the stink-eye. This is one more instance for Kvothe to play the hero with no real attention given to the consequences. Kvothe himself, I think, would be appalled. He has suffered so much deprivation in his life, so often been marginalized, scapegoated, powerless, how on earth could he so easily consign others to that fate? How could he think, loving Denna as he does, having heard her words to the beaten girl in Severin, that buying these girls husbands who will “overlook” their abuse for the sake of wealth is anything but a wretched life sentence for them?

Sigh. There was a time when I desperate awaited book three. Now, given the other women’s lives at stake in this series, I’m not so sure I want to know.

[singthebodyelectric-tmnt]

I Sing the Body Electric 2

Don

Don slowly sipped his coffee as he watched Leon now openly arguing with air. He’s assuming he is having a tiff with the brothers of his own guests. He glanced at Raphie who was listening to both Leon’s passive-aggressive ranting and Michael excitedly describing his “guests”. Raphie’s brows furrowed in confusion but he doesn’t stop them.

Eh. The big guy can handle it. He then glanced at his own guests; one smaller with olive green skin, one almost as tall as him and had eerie red eyes.

The smaller one was sitting calmly next to him, amused at all the commotion at the table. The other one was chewing on his thumb nervously with his teeth, and glancing at his brothers. (And not gonna lie, his gap tooth is cute. Too bad this Donnie is way too jumpy. Maybe neurotic but Don didn’t want to be an ass and self-diagnose).

“Is it always like this at breakfast?” the older one asked. He was reading a book. An actual physical book. Weird choice but who was he to question the recreational activities of his counterparts? He preferred podcasts, audiobooks, and the theatre. It gave his hands much more freedom to work on his projects. “More or less, yeah,” he took a sip of his coffee. The Donnie with the gap tooth sat next to him, and kept looking nervously at Raphie. Don frowned. Was this Donnie afraid of Raph? “You guys are different species of turtles, right? Your Raphael said he was the eldest as well, so I’m assuming you’re all different ages,” mused Donatello. Don liked this one. He was quite polite for an adult. Not many adults get his respect. “Yeah. Raphie’s fifteen, Me and Leon are fourteen, and Michael’s thirteen”.

The two Donatello's reactions were...interesting to say the least. Donnie’s red eyes widened in horror. A flash of grief crossed Donatello’s face before he took a deep breath and settled on a pained smile. “That’s...that’s really interesting”. Before Don could ask, Leon suddenly stood up. His fists were clenched and teeth were bared like he was furious. Then he tried taking a swing at himself. “Tried” because Raphie was able to stop him in time. Raphie began to mumble soothing words to Leon to get him to calm down. Michael looked terrified. “What’s going on?,” Don said through gritted teeth. He reached out and rubbed his little brother’s back to soothe him. “If you harm the person visiting you, you get harmed as well,” explained Donatello. He snapped his book closed with a sigh. The other Donnie said nervously, “It’s...It’s probably my brother. I mean... Leo...I mean my Leo...sorry”. He chewed on his thumb in worry, staring as Raphie kept talking quietly to Leon. Donatello shook his head, “No...I think it’s mine. He doesn’t know how to handle teenagers well...oh Donnie, you’re bleeding”. Don snapped his attention away from his brothers to stare at his counterparts. Donnie had chewed on his thumb so hard it broke through skin. Donatello gathered cloth and wrapped Donnie’s thumb to put pressure on it, even if his own thumb was bleeding.

Don looked at his hand and there was a thin line of blood that slowly dripped on to his hand. He tsked and grabbed tissue to stave it. “I’m so sorry-” began Donnie. “Hush, it’s fine,” interrupted Donatello. Don opted to not comment on it. Instead he asked, “You both said this isn’t the first time you’ve met other versions of us. Did this whole...situation where I only get to see you happen?” Donatello shook his head, “As far as I know, no. We met our other counterparts physically. This whole astral projection thing is new. The only reason I know about the host-visitor thing is because little Michael over there and Donnie's brother accidentally hit mine while playing yesterday. They all have bruises in the same place”.

Donnie muttered, “See, that doesn’t make sense! Astral projection has no scientific basis. There must be an actual explanation for this”. He began to pick at his arm scales. Don snorted, the others looked at him. “Sorry. It’s…that would be true, except in this dimension astral projection is plausible,” he inhaled in annoyance. “Magic exists here”. Donnie looked like he ate something really sour. Donatello on the other hand looked up thoughtfully. “Magic exists in my dimension as well...so it isn’t far-fetched”. He gently put a hand over Donnie’s who had unwittingly begun to pull at his scales. “If that’s the case, I can believe that would be one of the reasons we connected, Don. I can’t say for sure how Donnie here and the other Donatellos connected to us”. Don hummed. He stood and put his empty plate in the sink. It was Leo’s turn to do the dishes but he decided to help with the burden by preemptively washing the plates … “Would it help the situation if we met face to face? All of us- I mean not all the iterations of us, just our three dimensions” Donatello smiled while Donnie tilted his head. “Maybe it would...are you suggesting building a portal to each other’s dimensions?” Don leaned on the sink. “I insist on it. We each work on a portal on our end then connect it. It should be easy if we work together”. Donnie furrowed his brows while Donatello tapped his book’s spine to his chin. “It’s doable. I can ask Professor Honeycutt and Leatherhead to help me on my end and I already have a fusion generator”. Donnie blinked, “You have a Professor Honeycutt and a Leatherhead too? Um...sure. I’ll have trouble on my end, I’ll probably need Krang tech for this though…” Don nodded, “I don’t know who those are but we have Draxum”. He then turned to his youngest brother, “Michael, can you ask Draxum to visit? I’ll need help in a project and maybe he’ll have answers to our predicament”. Michael brightened the instant he heard Draxum’s name. “Sure!” he chirped. Michael tilted his head to the side and then said out loud, “Baron Draxum’s our creator and our other dad!” There must have been some kind of loud reaction on the other end because Raphie winced and Leon rolled his eyes. Raphie said out loud, “I’ll explain later…” while Leon crossed his arms. It looks like he still doesn’t want to get along with his own guests. Donatello and Donnie looked at Don incredulously. Don shrugged, “He mutated Dad too. Michael’s the only one who calls him “Dad”, don’t worry”. Donnie looked away while Donatello huffed, “That’s...a can of worms we won’t get into now. But I’ll take any answers I can get”. He eyed Leon, “And I’ll talk to my Leo, don’t worry about that”. “Thank you,” Don said, honestly grateful. This Donatello was just as gentle as Raphie, and Don knew it wasn’t a front with how he handled Donnie’s self-harm. He wondered what damaged him to make him this way. Don eyed Donnie. So different from Don and Donatello; skittish, and nervous and is on the verge of lashing out at everything. He wondered what this one had gone through too. Don patted Raphie’s arm. “The other Donnies and I will be in the lab. Call us when Draxum gets here” <--Previous         -o-        Next-->

[bexterbex]

A Soul To Mend His Own | Ch. 39

[Gif by @cloudyfacewithjam​]

Warning, if it hasn’t been obvious in the movies there is Nazi symbolism within the First Order. I will expand on this much more throughout the story. If this is something that bothers you, please just exit the story. The author does not condone any Nazi ideals, this is just for fictional uses only.

A Kylo Ren x Modern! Reader in a soulmate au with some canon divergence. —————————————SLOWBURN————————————–

He is already the Supreme leader, searching the universe to find you, his Empress. Your name on his wrist has been the only constant in his life, while you have doubts about his existence and his acceptance of you. He isn’t in the database and why did the name Kylo Ren cover Ben Solo?

MASTERLIST

Chapter 39: No But They Can Try

You finished breakfast and bid the lieutenant a good day, sending him off to go get rest. You turned to the general. “So what is it that we are learning today?”

The general was over on one of the walls preparing a giant screen that you didn’t know existed. “It has been requested by the Supreme Leader that you take some finishing lessons.”

“Finishing lessons?”

He successfully brought a video to the screen. “Yes, along with your diplomacy lessons the Supreme Leader has requested that you take finishing lessons or etiquette lessons. You are to be a refined lady, an empress. He has made it clear that you are to succeed in the areas he does not.”

He started the video or lack of video as it seemed to be an audiobook.  

Ch. 1: What is Best Society?

Ch. 2: Introductions

Ch. 3: Greetings 10 min

Ch. 4: Salutations of Courtesy

Ch. 5: On the Street and in Public

There wasn’t much discussion as he had talked about with the lieutenant. You both just sat back and listened, rather you listened and he worked on his data pad. After the fifth chapter, you had enough of listening to rules of etiquette, so you decided to strike up a conversation in hopes of ending the lesson.

“Why is it that I am learning this and you are working on something else?”

“Because I am not going to become a lady. That is your job, my job is to make sure that you are learning what you are learning. I am currently working on my other job of running the First Order. Just because the Supreme Leader has assigned me to be in charge of your care and your lessons does not mean any of my other duties have ceased.” He still failed to look up from his data pad.

“I thought the Supreme Leader ran the First Order?” You were digging for something.

The data pad hit the redhead’s lap in frustration, but before the words you suspected that he wanted to say came out of his mouth he answered, “of course the Supreme Leader does, but there are many, many duties he cannot do himself and so he leaves them in the very capable hands of others.”

“I sense some hostility in you general. You don’t have to keep it from me that you wished he would do more or that you did less.” You were looking at the man rather pointedly.

“The Supreme Leader and I knew each other before he became the Supreme Leader. At that time we were both competing for the previous Supreme Leader’s good graces. Ones that he never really gave out. And then the Supreme Leader usurped him. I was afraid that because of our past grievances that he would just put me out, but he looked past that and saw the greater good I could do for the First Order. He gets the glorious title of Supreme Leader and the ability to supersede anyone that questions him, but I get to make the First Order into a legacy that outshines the Empire.”

The man sitting next to you loved what he was doing. Married to his duty. Has the love of creating a great empire of his own.

“I’m sure he’s thankful, even if it just means he doesn’t have to do all of the paperwork. In my lessons of the Empire, Vader and Tarkin had a similar relationship. Maybe not as vicious as your relationship has been, but a parallel none the less. I am thankful, from what I have seen from the Supreme Leader, he is much more an intimidation tool than he is a leader.” You were being honest with the man, after all he really has only kept things from you because of Kylo’s orders.

“That he is. He is very effective in leading Stormtroopers. They gladly follow him into battle. And not just because he will kill them, but because the enemy focuses on him, and it is almost a guaranteed win if he is with them. You saw him in training, but seeing him on the battlefield is something else entirely. He becomes the human embodiment of rage and destruction. Which unfortunately can transfer back to damages on board the ship.”

“Is this what you meant by needing to ‘brace ourselves’? I understand that he is quick to anger but isn’t there something that we can do about it?”

“If I knew the answer to that m’lady I would be the richest man in the galaxy. Yes, that is partially the reason why I said it. The other reason is that any time an issue is about you, before or after he met you he becomes even more unstable, more unpredictable. I may have known him for years but I have no idea what he will be like when he gets here.”

“I see, so are you suggesting that I should be scared?”

“No, m’lady just prepared.”

“Prepared for what? You just called him unstable and unpredictable.”

“Prepared for the unexpected, occasionally and I mean rarely he surprises me. The last few times that has happened it has been about you. So just be prepared for anything.”

You didn’t know whether to find his words comforting or horrifying. You could already see that Kylo was unstable. You glanced down at your wrist, to the faded Ben Solo. You wondered if the unstableness was Kylo or Kylo’s struggle with Ben. You had seen him almost kill a man who spoke and thought ill of you. What would he do this time because you did it to yourself, accidentally but to yourself?

“I believe it is time for lunch,” said the general.

You then went about ordering and eating lunch in the dining room, not really talking about anything in particular but just light conversation. He then escorted you down the halls to the large conference room that you usually met in for your lessons. This time the room was filled with generals and admirals and holograms of generals and admirals. You took a seat next to Hux, who was sitting across the table from Pryde. Phasma was on guard in the corner of the room in her silver armored glory. You wondered when would be the best time to apologize.

“As you all know the Supreme Leader will be here in a matter of minutes. He will give us the rundown on his mission, and maybe his next plans. He is currently not in the best of moods so brace yourselves. Everyone,” said Hux.

The room went about idle chatter for a few moments before you heard loud footsteps coming down the hall, and some screaming too. If the door had hinges you would have guessed that it would have slammed open. He stalked in with the Knights of Ren filling in the back of the room along with Commander Pyre.

You saw Ap’lek eye Phasma up and down with hostility, almost assessing whether or not he could take here out now. But he then turned to face the Kylo on the other side of the room. You could see Phasma’s body language change, she was now ready for an attack.

Your attention quickly shifted to Kylo, who seemed to refrain himself from slamming his palms on the table, but just barely. His clothes were slightly singed in various places, he and the knights seemed to have some light mud on them as well. They look as if they have come straight off the battlefield, Pyre even had scuffs on his gold armor.

“Skywalker is dead.”

There was malice in his voice. You could sense the anger and hostility that radiated off of him in dark waves. His own personal storm cloud.

The other generals and admirals around you lifted their heads in what seemed to be acknowledgment and relief.

A balding general whom you have never seen before spoke up, “And what of the scavenger?”

In an instant, he was on the ceiling choking. His chair had been thrown back and clattered to the ground. He was crying out, gasping for air.

Kylo’s head turned quickly to you, assessing you. He moved swiftly from the front of the room and grabbed you by the arm pulling you up and out of the room. He was grabbing your arm so tightly you were sure that it was going to bruise. He did not stop until you were both in your chambers.

You were scared.

“I have half a mind to kill her.” The helmet was still on.

You were confused, “to kill who.”

“Phasma, you were under her care and she let it happen.” He then abruptly took the helmet on and backed you into a corner. “Why did you do it? Are you that unhappy with me?” His voice was still laced and stitched with anger.

You were frozen in fear.

His eyes were almost black. You could literally feel the anger that was radiating off of him in the electricity in the air. Or was it the Force that you were feeling?

His hand slammed into the wall next to you. “Answer me!” He was yelling, his voice dripping with fury and rage.

You thought you were going to die.

His other hand hooked itself under your chin and yanked your face upwards while he stood over you menacingly.

No, you knew you were going to die.

You trembled out, “It was an accident, I didn’t mean to.” Your voice barely a whisper. Your eyes were wide in fear.

“What do you mean it was an accident? How could it have been an accident?” He was still yelling.

“I wanted them to stop.”

“What to stop?” He was a tiny bit calmer.

“The lights.”

“What lights.”

“The lights I saw every time I closed my eyes since you have been gone.”

His face shifted slightly, you could see the concern start to brew in the cauldron of his eyes. “What did these lights look like?”

“They were red and blue and they were fighting. Every time I closed my eyes I could see them.”

The hand that was under your chin shifted to caress the side of your face. “Tell me more.”

“There was also an ocean, I don’t know where it was but it was big. I haven’t been able to really sleep since you have been gone.”

“All you wanted was for them to stop, and you didn’t realize what was happening?”

“Yes, and Phasma saved me. I had ordered her to stay away from me. I wanted to be alone.”

The hand then shifted down to your neck. It rested there. “Why did you want to be alone?”

“I feel like a songbird in a cage here. People constantly telling me what to do, say and think. I am watched 24/7. You give them orders to tell me, without telling me anything. I wanted to be free, if only for a few minutes.”

The hand shifted back up to your face, his thumb ran over your lips. “You are a beautiful songbird Kitten.” He then drew you in and kissed you. You missed this, oh how you missed this.

When you broke apart, “but kisses won’t fix this.”

“No, but they can try.” He leaned back in to kiss you. Pushing you into the wall, eventually, his kisses started to roam down to your neck, “no, but they can try.”

[shitty-check-please-aus]

2020 Books Read So Far

Note: Most of these are audiobooks (listening to books counts as reading books and if you disagree I’d ask you to consider why you believe that), books I started and didn’t finish will be listed but not reviewed, and all my opinions are extremely subjective. I’m putting this on this blog because I want to and I think it’ll help me keep track of what I’ve read if I write it down in a couple places. 

Some notes:

I’m surprised that most of these are nonfiction! I don’t usually think of myself as a nonfiction reader. 

Having audiobooks has made me way more productive as a reader, since I can read while I’m doing repetitive tasks at work, when I have to stand on the bus, when I’m running, etc. 

Naked, by David Sedaris

3/5, the audiobook was “unabridged selections” which means “we didn’t edit the individual essays but you’re only getting half the book”– it would probably have been a 4/5 if it was a whole book. I liked that Amy Sedaris was reading parts of it, but that’s because I like her more than I like her brother. This is sort of an example of the difference between “comedic” and “humorous,” because it’s definitely the latter. 

Read it if: you want to read something pretty fucking weird. 

Lafayette in the Somewhat United States, by Sarah Vowell

4/5, I saw this recommended a lot when Hamilton first came out so it’s been in the back of my mind for a good while. The book had a great cast, and having different people reading the historical quotes was an excellent touch! 

However, I think Vowell’s conversational style is a little jarring here sometimes. It’s like “wait, why are you talking about Bruce Springsteen, I’m not that familiar with his work but he definitely isn’t from Revolutionary War times.” I got her book Assassination Vacation at a used bookshop recently as well, and both books suffer from post-2016 hindsight, where she’ll say something about how incompetent and foolish the politicians of her time are, and I just have to snort to myself and say “Sarah, you’re going to lose your goddamn mind soon.” That’s a bit of an unfair reaction, but it’s hard to avoid having it.

I was also, maybe unfairly, expecting to learn more than I did. The problem is that I know a Lot about the Revolutionary War, and from the introduction I thought we’d hear more about Lafayette’s later life (my knowledge drops sharply after about 1810). The book basically ends after the Battle of Yorktown, though.

Read it if: you have not seen/listened to both Hamilton and 1776, or if you want to read a summary of the Revolutionary War with a focus on one French captain. 

Assassination Vacation, by Sarah Vowell

3/5, honestly maybe a 2.5/5. Okay, so. Either I know a lot more about American History than I felt like I did or this is again a very surface level thing. Part of it is because she spends 123 pages on Abe Lincoln. There are 255 pages total. 2/3 of the states I’ve lived in are Indiana and Illinois, two states that fight about claiming Lincoln as their own, and I’ve been to D.C. 4 or 5 times, so I feel like I know enough about Lincoln. I know about John Wilkes Booth, and his brother Edwin who saved Lincoln’s son’s life, and the death train that took Lincoln’s body around the country. I did enjoy learning about the doctor who was probably conspiring with Booth and how he ended up saving tons of lives in prison when there was a yellow fever outbreak (also to be briefly unbearably nitpicky: I think she might have mixed up dengue and yellow fever? She calls yellow fever “breakbone” but I can only find instances online of people calling dengue fever that. Maybe they called them all breakbone in the late 1800s. If anyone reading this is an epidemiologist, let me know).

It was interesting to hear that Charles Guiteau, killer of President Garfield, was part of the Oneida cult. I’m trying to think of anything notable she said about Leon Czolgosz, killer of President McKinley. I guess she talks about how people assumed he was a foreigner because of his name, but I already listened to “The Ballad of Czolgosz” in Assassins, so I knew “Czolgosz, angry man, born in the middle of Michigan.”

This one is from 2005 so the politics stuff is a little more interesting, since at the time I was busy learning multiplication and spending one entire baseball season learning about baseball and following my team (they won the world series, I have excellent timing). I will say that in 2005 we did have Google, so I am again annoyed with some of her asides and personal anecdotes. Look, if you go to the Hemingway house and you don’t know there will be cats there, that’s on you if you don’t bring your Claritin. Hemingway is associated with only two good things, six-toed cats and Daiquiris. 

She also does not acknowledge that the parties basically switched platforms? Lincoln’s Republican party is not today’s Republican party, in fact kind of the opposite, so it’s weird that she starts the book with a dedication that’s like “to my lifelong Democrat grandpa, he’d be pissed I dedicated a book about 3 Republicans to him.” I guess she does sometimes say stuff like “how did Lincoln’s party become Reagan’s” (paraphrase), but she doesn’t actually get into it. 

Speaking of Democrats, she literally spends more time talking about Pablo Picasso than she spends talking about JFK. She doesn’t explain why she didn’t talk about JFK, but it seems bizarre to me to write a book about American assassinations and to leave out John Fucking Kennedy. Literally I’ve talked more about JFK in this section than she did in her assassin book. It’s not until page 253 that JFK gets a full paragraph. There are 255 pages total. Truly, if she’d taken a paragraph to be like “I’m focusing on the presidents who were elected before 1900″ or “the presidents whose immediate families aren’t still alive” or even “I didn’t want to travel to Dallas for research” or SOMETHING to explain why she left out JFK, I would have understood it more instead of flipping through the pages wondering what was going on. 

Read it if: You do not listen to too many history podcasts and you didn’t read the Wikipedia page for the musical Assassins. And I guess if you don’t want to acknowledge that JFK did also get assassinated and that was kind of a big deal. Actually just listen to Assassins instead. 

And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie

5/5 as a mystery, 0/5 for its original title (not gonna say it here but if you’ve ever googled the name of HP Lovecraft’s cat, it’s along those lines). Less than 6 hours, narrated by Dan Stevens from Downton Abbey, fairly ideal as an audiobook. I am 95% sure I’ve already read this, because I spent the summer before I started high school reading every Agatha Christie book in the library (I do not have a list of all the Agatha Christie books in my library the summer of 2010, so there is some question). 

Read if: you want to hear the guy from Downton Abbey deliver the line “I’m not a complete fool!” in a tone that makes it sound like “I’m not a fucking moron!” Sidenote: Can anyone tell me if Brits say “solder” by pronouncing the L that I’ve always heard as a silent L? Or if Dan Stevens just fucked up that one word?

Over The Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love, by Jonathan Van Ness

4.5/5

This was a super enjoyable audiobook! It’s a testament to JVN’s considerable charisma that this book is full of him giving people in his past who would rather be anonymous Russian names, and it doesn’t get grating (as a Marina, however, I was shocked to not hear my name at any point; most of the other Marina’s I’ve met in my life are Russian). JVN has had a wild ride in life, and it’s a really raw, honest story of how he became who he is. I will say that if you are interested in reading this, please look up the trigger warnings; there are a lot of things that could be triggering to people. 

I feel a little bad at how much more I liked this one compared to Tan France’s memoir, but I also feel like whoever was ghostwriting that one did a bad job at making Tan seem... not extremely defensive, cocky, and prickly (it seems that JVN did not use a ghostwriter; Tan’s on the other hand, let the phrase “I’m proud to be a petty bitch” make it into the final proof several times). Also JVN advocates going to therapy in his book, while Tan kind of says that you should only go to therapy if you have no friends or family or life partner to talk to, which I fundamentally disagree with. I don’t know. I also feel like, if I were to get a makeover from the Fab 5, Jonathan would love my hair (I have great hair) while Tan would say that I’m dressing too old for a 24 year old and then take me to fucking Lane Bryant or Torrid (I wear a size 16 US so IRL options are limited). 

Read if: You like Queer Eye or Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness

Medallion Status, by John Hodgman

4.5/5

I really like John Hodgman’s podcast, and I got to ask him a question at an event he did at the Field Museum and he was very nice, so I went into this inclined to enjoy it. 

And I did! I had a good time reading it. I read it the first week of January and now it’s the second week of February so I have already erased much of the book’s content from my mind, but he somehow made the perspective of being a formerly kinda famous person really interesting. I would also recommend Vacationland, particularly if anyone wants to write an au where Nursey, as a New Yorker, has a vacation home in Dex’s town in Maine. That’s right, I brought it back around to the topic of this blog. And that would be a fucking fantastic au. 

Read it if: you like memoirs! it’s a good one. 

Murder on the Orient Express, by Agatha Christie

Gonna give this one a 3/5 for performance, because Dan Stevens (again, because I liked his narration in the other one) does a really annoying American accent for a few characters, and an extremely bad Italian accent for another. I’m starting this review only a few hours in, so if it turns out that the Italian man is not Italian, I’ll revoke my criticism. Still a 5/5 mystery, though. I did have to stop many times when they were talking about Istanbul to go over to Spotify and play “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” by They Might Be Giants. 

Books abandoned in 2020 (so far) (no real spoilers, I didn’t get more than a few chapters into any of them):

The Unhoneymooners, Christina Lauren

I got to a point where the main character was telling a lie that would put her newly accepted job into jeopardy, and it stressed me out so much as a relatively new hire that I stopped listening for the day and started another one, and then the week had passed and then the library took it back. I think I’d enjoy it more if I was reading it physically and I could control how fast I got through awkward parts (I am practically allergic to secondhand embarrassment). The performance was good and I did get a hankering for cheese curds. 

Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris

I had like three audiobooks checked out at the same time, and even though this was again an abridged version, I just didn’t have time for all of them. My mom has a physical copy, I’ll borrow that at some point. 

The Witch Elm, Tana French

This is one I may revisit someday. The main character is kind of an asshole, which is the point of his character I think, but it made it hard to get into the story. It’s also a 22 hour audiobook, which is kind of insanely long. Additionally, the narrator has a very slow way of talking, but if I tried to speed up the rate of playback I had trouble understanding his accent (I think I just have trouble processing really fast speech in general as well, but I would’ve had an easier time understanding someone with the same accent as me). Anyways, someone put a hold on it at the library and then I didn’t check it out again.