#i wonder how different it is now post-covid though

[pearl-kite]

So my first int'l teaching job came from a job fair in Iowa, of all places. The school I went with hadn't been among my list of choices, they reached out to me based on my profile, but it looked good. It also wasn't my only offer; a school in Honduras was interested in me as well, but the pay in the UAE was far better.

Did a bit of a graduation dinner yesterday with my parents, and my dad said he'd pay for me to go to that job fair again. Apparently he'd like to see me teaching again, especially abroad, and is willing to cover the flight and hotel to Iowa for it.

It's a surprisingly tempting offer. It's in February, so there isn't a list yet of which schools will show up, but I have been missing teaching, I just can't handle it here in the states anymore. And if I got multiple offers as a five-year teacher with no int'l experience, I'm confident I'd be able to get something if I went back.

It's a thought to consider. I'm going to go to job services to have my resume looked at this week and apply to more training specialist positions, but if nothing happens between now and February I might try going abroad as a teacher again, I guess.

[jewelleria]

I don’t usually talk about politics on here, if ever. But it’s been almost six months since the conflict in the Middle East flared up again, and I’m finally ready to start. Here are some of my thoughts.

I say ‘flared up’ because this has happened before and it’ll happen again. Because, even though what's currently going on is absolutely unprecedented, those of us who live in this part of the world are used to it. Let that sink in: we are used to this. And we shouldn’t have to be. 

But I use that term for another reason: I don't want to accidentally call it the wrong thing lest I come under fire for being a genocidal maniac or a terrorist or a propaganda machine, etc., etc.—so let’s just call it ‘the war’ or ‘the conflict.’ Because that’s what it is. Doesn’t matter which side you’re on, who you love, or who you hate. 

This post will, in all likelihood, sit in my drafts forever. If it does get posted, it certainly won’t be on my main, because I'm scared of being harassed (spoiler: she posted it on her main). I hate admitting that, but honestly? I’m fucking terrified. 

I also feel like in order for anything I say on here (i.e. the hellscape of the internet) to be taken seriously, I have to somehow prove that a) I’m “educated” enough to talk about the conflict, and b) that my opinion lines up with what has been deemed the correct one. So, tedious and unnecessary though it is, I will tell you about my experience, because I have a feeling most of the people reading this post are not nearly as close to what’s happening as I am.

How do I explain where I live without actually explaining where I live? How do I say “I live in the Red Zone of international conflicts” without saying what I actually think? How do I convey the fear that grips me when I try to decide between saying “I live in Palestine” and “I live in Israel”? I don't really know. But I do know that names are important. I also know that, due to the various clickbaity monikers ascribed to the conflict, it would probably just be easier to point to a map. 

I haven't always lived in the Middle East. I've lived in various places along America’s east coast, and traveled all over the world. But in short, I now live somewhere inside the crudely-drawn purple circle. 

If you know anything about these borders you probably blanched a bit in sympathy, or maybe condolence. But in truth, it’s a shockingly normal existence. I don't feel like I've lived through the shifting of international relations or a war or anything. I just kind of feel like I did when COVID hit, that dull sameness as I wondered if this would be the only world-altering event to shape my life, or if there would be more. 

I've been told that, in order for my brain to process all the horrific details of the past six months, there needs to be some element of cognitive dissonance—that falling into a sort of dissociative mindset is the only way to not go insane under the weight of it all. I think in some ways that’s true. I have been terrifyingly close to bus stop shootings when my commute wasn’t over; I have felt my apartment building shake with the reverberations of a missile strike; I have spent hours in underground shelters waiting for air raid sirens to stop. 

But. I have also gone grocery shopping, and skipped class, and stayed up too late watching TV, and fed the cats on the street corner, and cried over a boy, and got myself AirPods just because, and taken out the trash, and done laundry on a delicate cycle, and bought overpriced lattes one too many days a week. I have looked at pretty things and taken out my phone because, despite it all, I still think that life is too short not to freeze the small moments. 

So I'd say, all things considered, I live an incredibly privileged life—compared, of course, to those suffering in Gaza—one filled with sunsets and over-sweetened knafeh and every different color of sand. One that allows me to throw myself into a fandom-induced hyperfixation (or, alternatively, escape method) as I sit on the couch and crack open my laptop to write the next chapter of the fic I'm working on. 

But there are bits of not-normalness that wheedle their way through the cracks. I pretend these moments are avoidable, even if they’re not. 

They look like this: reading the news and seeing another idiotic, careless choice on Netanyahu’s part and groaning into my morning coffee. Watching Palestinian and Jewish children’s needless suffering posted on Instagram reels and feeling helpless. Opening my Tumblr DMs to find a message telling me to exterminate myself for reblogging a post that only seems like it’s about the war if you squint and tilt your head sideways. 

These moments look like all the tiny ways I am reminded that I'm living in a post-October seventh world, where hearing a car backfire makes me jump out of my skin and the sound of a suitcase on pavement makes me look up at the sky and search for the war planes. They look like the heavy grief that is, and also isn’t, mine. 

Here's the thing, though. I know you’re wondering when the ball will drop and my true opinion will be revealed. I know you’re waiting for me to reveal what demographic I'm a part of so that you, dear reader, can neatly slap a label on my head and sort me into some oversimplified category that lets you continue to think you understand this war. 

No one wants to sit and ruminate on the difficult questions, the ones that make you wonder if maybe you’ve been tinkered with by the propaganda machine, if you might need to go back on what you’ve said or change your mind. We all strive for our perception of complicated issues to be a comfortable one.

But I know that no matter what I do, there will always be assumptions. So, while I shudder to reveal this information online, I think that maybe my most significant contribution to this meta-discussion spanning every facet of the internet is this: 

I am a Jew. 

Or, alternatively, I am: Jewish, יהודית, يَهُودِيٌّ, etc. Point is, I come from Jews. And, like any given person, I am a product of generation after generation of love. 

I'm not going to take time to explain my heritage to you, or to prove that before all the expulsions and pogroms, there was an origin point. If you don’t believe that, perhaps it’s less of a factual problem and more of an ‘I don’t give weight to the beliefs of indigenous people’ problem. But, in case you want to spend time uselessly refuting this tiny point in a larger argument, you can inspect the photos below (it’s just a small chunk of my DNA test results). Alternatively, you can remember that interrogating someone in an attempt to make their indigeneity match your arbitrary criteria is generally not seen as good manners. 

Now, let’s go back to thathateful message (read: poorly disguised death threat) I received in my Tumblr DMs. I think it was like two or three weeks ago. I had recently gained a new follower whose blog’s primary focus was the fandom I contribute to, so I followed them back. I saw in my notes that they were going through my posts and liking them—as one does when gaining a new mutual. Yippee! 

Then they sent me this: 

I tried to explain that hate speech is not a way to go about participating in political discourse, but the person had already blocked me immediately after sending that message. Then, assured by the fact that I surely would never see them complaining about me on their blog (because, as I said, they blocked me), they posted a shouting rant accusing me of sympathizing with colonizing settlers and declaring me a “racist Zionist fuck.” Oh, the wonders of incognito tabs.

Where this person drew these conclusions after reading my (reblogged) post about antisemitism…. I'm not actually sure. But I greatly sympathize with them, and hope that they weren’t too personally offended by my desire to not die. 

For a while I contemplated this experience in my righteous anger, and tried to figure out a way to message this person. I wanted to explain that a) seeing a post about being Jewish and choosing to harass the creator about Israel is literally the definition of antisemitism and b) that sending a hateful DM and refusing to be held accountable is just childish and immature. But I gave up soon after—because, honestly, I knew it wasn’t worth my effort or energy. And I knew that I wouldn't be able to change their mind. 

But I still remember staring at that rather unfortunate meme, accompanied by an all-caps message demanding for me to Free Palestine, and thinking: the post didn’t even have any buzzwords. I remember the swoop of dread and guilt and fear. I remember wondering why this kind of antisemitism felt worse, in that moment, than the kind that leaves bodies in its wake. 

I remember thinking, I don’t have the power to free anyone.

I remember thinking, I’m so fucking tired. 

And before you tell me that this conflict isn’t about religion—let me ask you some questions. Why is it that Israel is even called Israel? (Here’s why.) Why do Jews even want it? (Here’s why.) But also, if you actually read the charters of Islamist terrorist organizations like ISIS, Hamas, and Hezbollah (among others), they equate the modern state of Israel with the Jewish people, and they use the two entities interchangeably. So of course this conflict is religious. It’s never been anything but that.

But I do wonder, when faced with those who deny this fact: how do I prove, through an endless slew of what-about-isms and victim blaming, that I too am hurting? How do I show that empathy is dialectical, that I can care deeply for Palestinians and Gazans while also grieving my own people? 

There's this thing that humans do, when we’re frustrated about politics and need to howl our opinions about it into the void until we feel better. We find like-minded souls, usually our friends and neighbors, and fret about the state of the world to each other until we’ve gone around in a satisfactory amount of circles. But these conversations never truly accomplish anything. They’re just a substitute, a stand-in catharsis, for what we really wish we could do: find someone who embodies the spirit of every Jew-hating internet troll, every ignorant justifier of terrorism, and scream ourselves hoarse at them until we change their mind.

But, of course, minds cannot be changed when they are determined to live in a state of irrational dislike. In Judaism, this way of thinking has a name: שנאת חינם (sinat hinam), or baseless hatred. It's a parasite with no definite cure, and it makes people bend over backwards to justify things like the massacre on October seventh, simply because the blame always needs to be placed on the Jews. 

So when a Jew is faced with this unsolvable problem, there is only one response to be had, only one feeling to be felt: anger. And we are angry. Carrying around rage with nowhere to put it is exhausting. It's like a weight at the base of our neck that pushes down on our spine, bending it until we will inevitably snap under the pressure. I’m still waiting to break, even now.

I wish I could explain to someone who needs to hear it that terrorism against Israelis happens every single day here, and that we are never more than one degree of separation away from the brutal slaughter of a friend, lover, parent, sibling. I wish it would be enough to say that the majority of Israelis (which includes Arab-Israeli citizens who have the exact same rights as Jewish-Israelis) wish for peace every day without ever having seen what it looks like. 

I wish I could show the world that Israel was founded as a socialist state, that it was built on communal values and born from a cluster of kibbutzim (small farming communities based on collective responsibility), and that what it is now isn’t what its people stand for. 

I wish the world could open their eyes to what we Israelis have seen since the beginning: that Hamas is the enemy, Hamas is the one starving Palestinians and denying them aid, Hamas is the one who keeps rejecting ceasefire terms and denying their citizens basic human rights. Hamas is the governing body of Gaza, not Israel. Hamas is responsible for the wellbeing of the Palestinian people. And Hamas are the ones who are more determined to murder Jews—over and over and over again, in the most animalistic ways possible—than to look inwards and see the suffering they’ve inflicted on their own people. I wish it was easier to see that.

But the wishing, the asking how can people be so blind, is never enough. I can never just say, I promise I don't want war. 

When I bear witness to this baseless hatred, I think of the victims of October seventh. I think of the women and girls who were raped and then murdered, forever unable to tell their stories. I think of the hostages, trapped underneath Gaza in dark tunnels, wondering if anyone will come for them. I think of Ori Ansbacher, of Ezra Schwartz, of Eyal, Gilad, and Naftali, of Lucy, Rina, and Maia Dee, of the Paley boys, of Ari Fuld and of Nachshon Wachsman. I think of all the innocent blood spilled because of terror-fueled hatred and the virus of antisemitism. I think of all the thousands of people who were brutally murdered in Israel, Jews and Muslims and Christians and humans, who will never see peace.

My ties to this land are knotted a thousand times over. Even when I leave, a part of me is left behind, waiting for me to claim it when I return. But when I see the grit it takes to live through this pain, when I see the suffering that paints the world the color of blood, I look to the heavens and I wonder why. 

I ask God: is it worth all this? He doesn't answer. So I am the one, in the end, to answer my own question. I say, it has to be. 

Feel free to send any genuine, respectful, and clarifying questions you may have to my inbox!

EDIT: just coming on here to say that I'm really touched & grateful for the love on this post. When I wrote it, I felt hopeless; I logged off of Tumblr for Shabbat, dreading the moment I would turn off my phone to find more hate in my inbox. Granted, I did find some, and responding to it was exhausting, but it wasn’t all hate. I read every kind reblog and comment, and the love was so much louder. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍

Source Reading

The Whispered in Gaza Project by The Center for Peace Communications

Why Jews Cannot Stop Shaking Right Now by Dara Horn

Hamas Kidnapped My Father for Refusing to Be Their Puppet by Ala Mohammed Mushtaha

I Hope Someone Somewhere Is Being Kind to My Boy by Rachel Goldberg

The Struggle for Black Freedom Has Nothing to Do with Israel by Coleman Hughes

Israel Can Defend Itself and Uphold Its Values by The New York Times Editorial Board

There Is a Jewish Hope for Palestinian Liberation. It Must Survive by Peter Beinart

The Long Wait of the Hostages’ Families by Ruth Margalit

“By Any Means Necessary”: Hamas, Iran, and the Left by Armin Navabi

When People Tell You Who They Are, Believe Them by Bari Weiss

Hunger in Gaza: Blame Hamas, Not Israel by Yvette Miller

Benjamin Netanyahu Is Israel’s Worst Prime Minister Ever by Anshel Pfeffer

What Palestinians Really Think of Hamas by Amaney A. Jamal and Michael Robbins

The Decolonization Narrative Is Dangerous and False by Simon Sebag Montefiore

Understanding Hamas’s Genocidal Ideology by Bruce Hoffman

The Wisdom of Hamas by Matti Friedman

How the UN Discriminates Against Israel by Dina Rovner

This Muslim Israeli Woman Is the Future of the Middle East by The Free Press

Why Are Feminists Silent on Rape and Murder? by Bari Weiss

[scretladyspider]

please don’t scroll; I really need your help to reach my gofundme goal of $3500 and not become homeless.

Im Elle, a queer, ace, disabled person with ADHD, depression, and two cats. In November, I lost my job without warning. I have no savings as the job already had me living to the last dollar of every paycheck. I was denied unemployment and food stamps. I cannot work away from home, a physical job, or something with strict hours due to some yet-to-be-diagnosed illness.

this is my story — what’s going on & how I got here. (Smaller text used because it’s a lot of information/a long post.)

In early 2018, I was doing regular walk/runs. In 2019, I stopped being able to run, so I went on walks. Running took hours, then days, to recover from. My body couldn’t produce energy to do it consistently, so, walks. In 2020, I kept going on walks and tried to do aerobics. I was not able to keep doing aerobics. My body took hours upon hours to recover, where before it hadn’t, I was alone for almost all of 2020, and never developed COVID symptoms; it was what happened with running all over again. In 2021, it started to take more time to recover from walks. Then I started to need to take a nap immediately after I clocked out from work— and it was a work from home job. In 2022, I began to go from my sitting desk job straight to my bed most days, laying down exhausted right after work, even sleeping through lunch to get some rest.

On New Year's Eve 2023, I spent 30 minutes cleaning, including vacuuming my living room. I had to rest the rest of the day.

In the last five years, I've gone from running to being exhausted for hours by taking my garbage to the curb.

Imagine you were someone who enjoyed recreational exercise. Now imagine doing 1/100th of that and feeling sick for days. Thats me.

There are other symptoms also. More vulnerability to infection and more trouble fighting infection. Shooting, sharp muscle pains in large muscles such as the thigh or forearm, like a pinched nerve, that come and go at random. Pulse rate that skyrockets upon standing, to go back to normal soon after. Stomach inflammation. Inflammation without major swelling. Headaches. Complete inability to tolerate heat, leading to excruciating migraines that only go away with things like cold showers, electrolytes, and hours of rest in the dark with ice. Muscles that literally don't feel like they're getting oxygen. Random rashes. Face flushing. Being much more easily out of breath, yawning over and over, like I can't get air correctly. Weight gain, no matter what I eat or don't eat.

And just being so, so tired.

In summer of 2018, something… stopped working in my body. I felt sick all the time. I had a low, unexplainable fever nearly every day. Shooting nerve pain would wake me up at night. The doctor said I had a cold. But months went by and I didn’t get better. When my blood work and thyroid hormone level was normal, I was referred to a rheumatologist.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after he made me wait 45 minutes, came in and asked “are you tired?", poked me hard, said I was tender, and left without running tests. This sort of “uhm the standard blood work came back normal, have you tried exercising more? I know you’re here because your body can’t recover from it but have you tried more of that? Also going to sleep at night?” has been the response over and over and over for five years. It got to the point where I even started to wonder if I was somehow making it up. I see a psych nurse. She thinks there's more than just depression, ADHD, and other things - though we both agree that managing those is vital too. She used to be a cardiologist, so this is reassuring. But when I have tried to see other doctors, it goes differently. Most of the time they see I have ADHD, a long history of depression, and hypermobile joints, and say that explains everything. I can't count how many times I've been told "well, you have depression” when the labs, if they even agreed to run them, came back normal. My standard blood work sometimes comes back with anemia, but I take an iron supplement. No improvement had come of it. I’ve had my thyroid hormone levels tested over and over, but never the antibodies. No imaging or referrals have happened, outside of one to a second rheumatologist. He ran no tests either; he just saw my joints are hypermobile and I was “sure taking a lot of mental health medications” (two at the time), and… that was that.

I had given up on actually even getting help until my SIL recommended a doctor she knew. For the first time in five years, when the standard blood work and TSH tests were normal, she told me we would keep looking. I actually cried with relief at that. It’s amazing to be believed after all this time.

Because of …. All of this, I'm trying to figure out how to either work for myself or find a work from home job that has flexible hours I can choose. I literally wouldn't be able to work a retail gig where I have to stand for eight hours, or even a 9-5 where I have to be there for those exact hours, because my body cannot do that right now. I want to get better but it's a long way off. First I need to know what's even wrong. I'm praying for a diagnosis soon. And treatment. At the least, management.

I have heard of EDS and I have been evaluated. I apparently don’t meet enough criteria, hence the diagnosis of JHS instead. It’s in the same family. I have also heard of POTS. I am pursuing testing. Same with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, MCAS, fibromyalgia… yeah. The thing is nothing outside of the standard blood count and thyroid hormone level test, no other lab tests have been done. There are so many things this could be that have never been checked. Lyme disease, for example, is extremely common where I live (it’s actually just extremely common worldwide) and matches much of my experience, but 1) in the USA the initial Lyme test relies on a strain of bacteria cultured in the 80s 2) there are over 100 strains of Lyme disease in the USA 3) in spite of decades of research there are doctors who don’t believe chronic Lyme exists 4) no doctor has ever checked and I only recently learned anything about it so I never asked. But… there are a lot of things to check that I’ve never had checked is my point. Fingers crossed someone can help me get there.

I do not have a partner who can try to support me through this, and my family already supports me however they can. My severance (which was low as I found out I was being paid much less than the rest of the team later) paid only my January rent.

Since my ability to work is severely limited right now, and I've been denied unemployment and food stamps, and I would need a diagnosis and to be awarded disability benefits in court (which can take YEARS that I don’t have), I have nothing in savings because of years of underpaying jobs the cost of living and being disabled and going through prior periods of unemployment due to this and other factors, I am left in a tough spot without help. Without this help, this gofundme... I have nothing.

So... here I am. A queer nonbinary disabled neurodivergent writer, trying my best, living with some undiagnosed illness that's severely impacted my ability to function, who got fired without real reasons (in America they can just do that to you without even telling you why), asking for your help to pay my February rent and January bills so I don’t repeat the trauma of being homeless. Or for you to reblog this.

Thank you for reading all of this.

It’s been on my chest for a long time. Even if it wasn’t for the gofundme, it feels good to talk about and be honest about my health. It reminds me you’re not supposed to feel like this all the time when I tell other people and they tell me I should get help and deserve answers. It’s reassuring to see competent doctors who finally believe me. I hope we figure it out.

no donation is too small— they add up. If just 100 people gave $35, the goal would be met. Sharing is also giving— it means someone who can help is more likely to see it.

You can also help via my venmo — secretladyspider

CashApp — secretladyspider

or find PayPal in my tip jar in my linktree

Goal is $3500 or over. Funds needed ASAP. If it goes over, that’ll help with February.

Thank you for anything and everything.

[talisidekick]

Thanks for being so compassionate! As someone who's had to defend himself from assault pre transition and assault and attempted trafficking during transition which has contributed to some agoraphobia centered on thoughts like "damn, wasn't safe off T not safe on it", it's been rlly scary seeing ppl shrug off how transmascs are endangered in real life in service of discrediting transandro discourse. Cool seeing who's really real I guess????? anyways hope you're well and warm. Srry about my run on sentence lmao

There is absolutely nothing to apologize for. We only get to see one side publically, and that's pretty much just trans women issues. Media likes to cover just us. I rarely see news stories about just trans men. We don't see the stories about trans men getting stalked or followed around in stores by total strangers, getting attacked in public, rarely a mention if a trans man gets killed. It's happening but you don't see it. You don't see a flood of forum posts about the constant dismissal of, unique brand of hatred around, or the types of dangers faced by trans men.

My introduction to questioning my gender was actually FROM transandrophobia. The reason for this is I've had more of a curvy figure since ... well forever, even though my body was producing T on it's own. I got A LOT of compliments on it by pretty much all my friends (which were mostly girls, and yes that probably should have been a sign but I'm a bit thick sometimes, okay?) because I was "unconventionally sexy" because of it. I'm now remembering I do have a shirtless picture somewhere from before I was on HRT ... I'll work up the nerve to show that at some point to prove that point. Anywho, because of this, a random ass stranger had been following me as I went to grab a few things from a walmart after my shift. It was weird as fuck. Uncomfortably close, constantly looking at me but not what they were pretending to, and I kind of knew this dick was waiting until there was no one in the aisle before pulling something. I'd been mugged before at 14 and 15 so at 24 I was kind of like "I'm not getting stabbed in a damn Walmart" and just made sure to be quick. I got out of the store and met up with some old work friends and just let them know someone was following me and I wanted to wait them out. Props to my friends at the time, they bullseyed the dude (to be fair he wasn't being stealthy) and called him out. And he yelled back "You'll never be a real man" to me. My friends laughed at him because as far as we all knew, I was cis. But this would happen two more times in the same week. A lady would tell me I shouldn't be doing "this" to myself with a full body gesture, and that god "loves" me; and a college colleague flat out dismissed my concerns on something because "only a real man would need to worry about that". It got me wondering if this was a new fad, to hate on someones manliness, and upon looking that up I learned about what exactly transgender meant, the experiences of trans men and women (just a bit on women, my concern was on trans men at the time), and thought it was kind of cool there were people who'd know two sides to the gender spectrum. But it must SUCK to have to go through the bullshit I did and actually be affected by it. Like, no one has any right to tell another man they're less of one.

This whole situation would actually come back to help me 2 years later in finding myself. I'd only really looked up trans men and curiosity mid covid lock down would lead me to look up non-binary and then trans women. However, transandrophobia is how I, a trans woman, got her start. So it boils my blood when I see people talk about T being toxic or trans men having it easier. It shows a complete lack of understanding and a lack of acceptance and willingness to empathize. Trans men and trans mascs have different issues, that doesn't make them lesser, and while those issues may not affect me, it doesn't make it less of my problem to help deal with where I can. I know certain issues I'll have no experience on, no idea how to help, but that doesn't mean I can't still offer to be support. Everyone should be doing the same, and shame on those who aren't.

You deserve equal treatment and support in your fight for it, not dismissal. Those that dismiss the issues of trans men aren't allies, they're transphobes. And fuck transphobes.

[squipedmew]

well, since the Dream SMP has officially come to a close, I thought I’d share what I’ve been up to for the past 2 years - making character designs for every single one of the characters!

 I really wanted every character to look distinct, with really distinct color pallets, unique weapons for each and every character - basically like each one of them could be the protagonist of a wildly different story from one another. Feel free to steal them (with credit) if you want!

I kinda dropped off working on it in late 2022, so I think I missed a few characters, as well as going back and re-doing some of the oldest ones (that’s why some of them are more detailed - those are the 2023 versions)

As strange as it is for me to say this, DSMP had such a big impact on me, especially over COVID. I haven’t had a piece of media fill me with such a passion to create art and improve probably since Undertale all the way back in 2015, if you can believe it. I owe a lot of my art improvement to this silly little Minecraft series, and though I may have lost touch with it near the end, it will always hold a special place in my heart. 

o7 you crazy, wacky, depressing, stupid, unsatisfying, joyful, hilarious, and amazing series. I wish everyone involved in it the best!

(A few extra designs under the cut!)

This is a 2020 Pogtopia Wilbur I made, and if I were to draw it now, I probably wouldn’t change a thing. This design fucking slaps imo, I’m still super proud of it. 

Exile Era Tommy. Wilbur’s old Pogtopia coat has been passed around so many times between so many different interpretations of characters, so I thought it made more sense for Tommy to take the L’Manberg era coat from Wilbur, since that was the version of him he idolized (This is an old version of Wilbur’s coat btw)

Post Dream-Getting-Sent-To-Prison Tommy! I wanted to emphasize how Tommy was trying to move past his trauma, so he shaved off the grey streak he got from the Withers in the L’Manberg explosions (I gave him the grey streaks before Revival canonized it - don’t ask me why)

Las Nevadas Quackity. It’s basically a 1 to 1 for his skin, save for the really ugly blue patches and hoodie I gave him. If I were to do it again, I would def change that. 

Snowchester Tubbo. Also still holds up, though I’m not 100% on the pants. This was kinda before goat Tubbo got super canonized, so I just decided to have the eyes. The scars are from the execution. 

Revivbur. He looks pretty good for a dead bitch - though I messed up the L’Manberg flag colors on the bandanna on his ankle. Guess he’s french now. 

Team Rocket era Niki! She took custody of Wilbur’s Pogtopia coat, albiet cutting off the parts that were covered in blood and soot (which was most of it) I also made her a fire-born like Sapnap, though you can’t see from his design - her hair is on fire when she feels strong emotions, and she’s basically going through it 24/7 during this part. 

Syndicate Niki! She’s calmed down and is no longer on fire, but her hair is still pink from all those weeks of constant rage and sadness. Also dressed more appropriately for the snow. 

Dream Post Prison. Mask no longer has invisibility enchantments, so he doesn’t bother hiding his face. Gotta wonder how it’s staying on though. Get this man some moisturizer. 

[foxes-that-run]

Since you're losing me was written and recorded in Dec 2021, does that change who you think it is about / timeline on the different things?

Thanks anon, I hadn't seen the detail on December 2021. Jack's Story added below - thanks @leftamarkonme She might have shared it now so people stop being trauma-core about her Eras performances saying she was crying when she wasn't.

To be honest, if You're Losing me was written in 2021 would not surprise me or change how I view it. He wasn't at the All to Well SNL launch but I thought it was too cynical to say it was over 18 months before the announcement, even if I thought it. Because I think Glitch was written after the Brits in May 2021.

Also, they were seen looking frosty AF at a 2022 Oscars Party and 2022 VMA after party. Maybe she wrote it and they continued to try to make it work for another couple of months to May. Or maybe it was over and they had agreed engagements to give themselves some privacy while they recovered before it went public. I actually hope it is the later because I think making space herself is fantastic.

This is the timeline I had with midnights post:

2020

25 November - In the Long Pond Session Taylor said Joe was William Bowery

16 December - Taylor said to Zane Lowe that Happiness is about ending a long term relationship, she switched to first person

2021

15 March - Grammy's Joe had never come & it was COVID limited, but he won a Grammy for *Album of the year* & I'd say she has the pull for a ticket for a producer of it

April - Folklore credits update to add Joe as producer on 6 songs, including 3 William Bowery wrote, Grammy eligible. No credits for midnights and evermore.

12 May - Taylor was honored with a Global Icon award at the Brits. Harry also there and won. Joe left to film in Belfast the week before

21 August - Joe actually seen with Taylor

14 September - Taylor seen in ireland, seen at conversations with friends cast party

14 November - Blake, Ryan, Sophie & Selena join Taylor at the SNL All to Well launch party. Joe A was filming in Panama.

5 December - You're Losing me written here

2022

27 March - They went to the Vanity Fair Oscars pre-party, but Taylor skipped the 2022 Grammy's, Brit Awards and Oscars. It's interesting that the only photos of Taylor are of getting out of the car with Joe squinting, they bypassed the press line.

Taylor stopped liking Joes IG posts here

18 May - Taylor receives an honorary doctorate from NYU, while not a party it is a massive deal. In her speech she smiled at a particular part of the audience when she referenced friends and family, but Joe was at a Rising Hollywood party in LA.

31 August - VMAs afterparty - Joe & Taylor's unglamourous run to a car. The VMAs have been important to Taylor since 2009. She was on the cusp of winning the most VMAs ever, announced Midnights and All to Well won. I wonder if Midnights was already done though.

20 October - Midnights pap walk where Joe uses a coffee table book to shield his hand from being held.

2023

9 February - Grammy afterparty- she wore his jacket, the huge deal made out of this is enough to say it was already over.

31 March - The 1 replaces Invisible String.

8 April - break up announced said it occured 'weeks earlier'

[thealogie]

so here's a little rant & i wanna gauge your opinion on the matter. i just finished watching civil war (it's finally available digitally) and... it doesn't look like ass. not that i expected it to but you know how everything looks overly HD right now and it's just awful? well it wasn't like that. and that got me wondering what's really happening with camera/lenses quality right now because i was beginning to think the move to everything looking overly crisp and awful was kinda forced by the way they make camera equipment/technology now, but there are many things that still look fine, not 80s-mid00s amazing, still a bit too HD for my taste, but fine. meanwhile there are things like good omens that look so bad it's legitimately triggering some kind of ocd for me and physically hurts my soul. like apart from lighting/director decisions it's just so damn sharp, it makes MS and DT look grotesque (even though they are objectively good looking, or at least on the nice side of normal looking, guys). do you have an opinion / some technical knowledge on the matter? why is this happening?????? if select movies can still get their cinematography looking nice then what's the deal with all these other productions being offensively ugly looking? i don't get itttttt. like obviously one assumption would be budget differences but you'd think then they would get older equipment that's not ultra HD shit. or is ultra HD shit cheaper. help me out here because i honestly can't watch most things made post-covid they are so terrible looking. iwtv is another example of something that looks too HD to me btw, just so you don't think my issue is like with bad direction (but rather image quality? idk how to put into words my hate of ultra HD in technical terms)

I had the same reaction when I watched challengers yesterday!

It’s film v. digital. I haven’t watched civil war but even to be untrained eye I could guess that challengers was shot on 35mm film, not digital. That’s why it has that beautiful warm grainy quality. I would say 95% of movies and tv shows are now shot digitally - it is much cheaper overall. No risk of the film being damaged or worrying about the literal cost of physical film you’re burning through. and in digital you can choose a lot of your setting when you’re shooting.

Now within digital, you have 2k and 4k (ultra high def) as you call it. And this is where we reach the limits of my technical knowledge because like…better call saul was mastered in 4k and it still looks fucking fantastic!! This is why I will still blame light design/directing because we have proof that 4k can look good. It’s just the way everyone else is color correcting/lighting the scenes that’s the problem

[twig-tea]

Be My Favorite Ep 11 First Thoughts

Okay, I took a lunch break at work to get this out, watched the episode and am writing this down now, before I read what everyone else thought later: I really, really liked this episode. Once again this show manages to never lie to us in the trailer and yet still take us by surprise in terms of how things play out in the episode. I have to say, I was really tickled by the fact that a time travel show faked out time travel in the episode preview by showing us clips from a time skip (but then still gave us time travel because it never lies)!

We got more from Kawi and Pisaeng's first time, first at the beginning of the episode where we saw more of their intimacy and all of the careful checking and non-verbal consent taking place after the verbal consent [btw Krist did a decent job of telegraphing comfort and intimacy here, I appreciated the arms around Pisaeng's neck] and a little more at the end, where we get more of the amusement park date and it shows us that Kawi wasn't lying when he said he had a good time. With that additional context I no longer needed a conversation, there was enough happening to be on the same page around Kawi's fears about intimacy and how he and Pisaeng moved past them together. I still think Kawi could be on the ace/demi spectrum and I feel for everyone who was hoping for explicit representation and didn't get it from this show 💕 You're visible and you're valid, friends!

Pear reading the poem over the montage was lovely and I really enjoyed that as a way of showing everyone reaching a new point in their different journeys at the same time (love that everyone gets to grow in this show except for Not, which is as it should be).

[Also just saying that this montage perfectly set up my clown theory for what the final post-credit scene will be for this show lol]

The flashback to the explanation about time travel was a bit oddly placed but I took him reflecting on it in this moment to be the closing chapter of Kawi's growth, that he finally fully understands the lesson that Time Travel Guy was trying to teach him and he's going to live in the moment from now on. This sets us up for the story pivot to Pisaeng as the protagonist later in the episode.

The relationship montage was so lovely! At first I was worried they were trying to show couples growing apart but it became clear that it was about finding a sustainable balance in a relationship. Love that Kawi gets a second set of covers and still cuddles with Pisaeng when they sleep, for example.

Kawi getting sick and having a flu turn life-threatening immediately had me thinking immediately about COVID and I have a lot of complicated feelings about the show not naming COVID.

The scene with the doctor was absolutely shattering, "are you his family?" ...and the pause where Pisaeng knew he couldn't say yes even though that's the true answer. Fuck every government that does not legally recognize our importance to one another. This is even more devastating with Kawi who literally has nobody else.

Pisaeng going back in time makes perfect sense considering his guilt and his desperation. What I really love about the switch between Kawi as main character and Pisaeng as the main character is that Pisaeng is getting an arc. It's so interesting that he's taking the chance now that he knows what he has to lose, rather than before when Time Travel guy offered to help him and Pisaeng was confident he didn't need it. I'm wondering what the show thinks Pisaeng needs to learn; the chance to learn to live for himself rather than for Kawi? To be able to manage not being in control? Or is this less about a learning opportunity and just a chance to get to spend more time with the love of his life, along the lines of Eternal Yesterday?

I'm wondering about the timing of this event in the timeline: I think this was around the time Kawi travelled the first time, assuming Pear's marriage is taking place at the same time in the various timelines just to someone else in almost each one. So now I'm wondering whether Kawi got the chance to try again because he was about to die in the first timeline (since that seems to be something that can't be changed, along the lines of Kawi's dad).

If that's the case, then I would anticipate that Pisaeng being sent back in time is his opportunity to process his guilt, grief, and fears about Kawi 's death with Kawi, come to terms with the fact that he has to face his present, and then travel back to....I really hope find out that Kawi does not die. But I'm kind of getting the sense that he will. As Time Travel guy says, he's used up all his luck. And as Pear's dad said in ep10, there's no such thing as a perfect life because change happens, so you need to be able to be resilient to change.

[I don't think we'll get a Once Again ending because this show is all about living in the present and living a time loop just so that you can be together would be completely counter to that.]

What I want to happen is for Pisaeng to get strength from past-Kawi to face his present, have Kawi survive, and let them process together about living without regrets so they can face whatever comes without time travel. And maybe join Max in fighting for marriage equality.

[Also sidenote, I wonder whether Kawi being less ultra-famous in this timeline is a side effect of him being in an open and public relationship with Pisaeng? He's still clearly doing music work but their apartment doesn't have the same accoutrements from his career that the other timeline did. I may be reading too much into it though; it's also possible that he prioritized their relationship more than he did his relationship with Pear, or just didn't decorate the same way in this timeline, or a mix of these.]

Excited to read everyone's thoughts!

[edit: @waitmyturtles just saw your note! Tagging you here a bit late]

[transmutationisms]

i dont know how to ask this in a way that doesn’t seem like bait or in bad faith but i promise im just curious, im wondering how the bodily autonomy doesn’t allow you to harm other people argument would relate to other posts you’ve made how how “harm” isn’t politically neutral objective thing and is created by societal forces. like with what you said in posts about how conservatives think transitioning is SH. is there not a similar argument to be made there that “this isn’t a bodily autonomy issue because it will harm other people” could be swapped out so well for transitioning? maybe you deserve bodily autonomy to decide to transition, but you being visibly transgender in public is some sort of social contagion that will nebulously Harm my child if she sees you, so it cannot be allowed. (and obviously obligatory i think getting covid is inherently harmful while seeing a trans person is not ofc). if your answer here is “well covid is actually harmful and seeing a transgender person in public isn’t”, then im just curious why that logic wouldn’t apply to the SH posts you made, cutting is inherently harmful but transitioning isn’t being the end of the conversation. you seem to not agree with that and take the argument further in that case, so in curious why that doesn’t apply with your reasoning on vaccines

2 different types of claims are being made here though. when we're talking self harm, and the reactionary argument that transitions constitutes self harm and should be prevented on those grounds, that's a paternalistic argument that people ought to be prevented from hurting themselves, with "hurt" defined in the eye of the viewer. thus, they presume the epistemological authority to override your moral agency to cut yourself as much as your moral agency to do a hornone shot. my argument is that we don't need to waste time arguing with them that these things are ontologically different because, even if transitioning WERE self harm (which i don't agree it is but that involves getting into arguments about motives and desires and so forth), your right to self harm is not something i think should be denied you anyway. (i have seen a few ppl on that post be ljke "who's outlawing cutting yourself?" which is really missing the point: you can in fact be institutionalised if you admit to self harming!) this avoids the whole problem of arguing about whether someone's desires for their own body are 'harmful': my position is, as far as whether they should be allowed to do them, the question of 'harm' doesn't matter. a serious position defending bodily autonomy has to include the right for a person to do things that may very well be distasteful or even hurtful *to themselves*.

the 'social contagion' argument is fundamentally different because now the reactionary claim is not about protecting a person from their own desires, but about protecting a bystander from that person's existence. so, if my argument is that my right to bodily autonomy doesn't override my disabled comrades' right to be protected from needless exposure to infectious diseases, then what we should compare here is what 'right' is being protected in the reactionary claim that a trans person shouldn't exist in public. designations of what constitutes 'harm' are fundamentally different in this framing, because again, it's no longer a paternalistic argument about protecting me from myself, but a claim that trans existence in itself constitutes harm to other people. so, the reason i'm cofortable making a claim like "spreading covid is actually harmful and seeing a trans person isn't" is because, in this argument we're talking about harms that one person visits upon another, and a resulting constriction on the first person's freedom (eg to refuse vaccination), which is again fundamentally different to an argument about a person's actions harming their own well-being. in the latter case an argument to bodily autonomy simply states that, even if harm is genuinely occurring, that doesn't give a second party a right to intervene; that's very different to a case where the claim is that one person needs protection from another.

what reactionaries are claiming here is essentially that they should be protected from merely beholding the sight of people exercising bodily autonomy in a way that they (the reactionaries) personally dislike; i'm saying that this is not actually a bedrock guarantee of social living in the way that the trans person's right to their own autonomy is. in general we have an obligation not to harm one another and we can pretty easily defend the idea that spreading infectious diseases unnecessarily constitutes harm (defining health is ofc complicated, but disease carries a risk of death, suffering, long-term complications, &c). this is simply different to the idea that seeing a trans person in public might cause an innocent bystander to start desiring their own transition. you are generally not protected from seeing things that make you either uncomfortable or envious. none of this means bodily autonomy is 'absolute' in the sense of guaranteeing my right to do literally anything, ever (again, i also cannot, for example, shoot somebody) but curtailing it requires a real and defined harm being done to someone else (not to myself) as a direct result of my actions (not their reaction to my actions, an affective state that i cannot be held responsible for).

[bayoubashsims]

Senescence

Senescence is a short visual story of the twilight years of Agnes Crumplebottom (the title is inspired by this machinima, about a Crumplebottom as well, check it out guys, it’s so lovely). I wrote this many years ago in my teens and illustrated it (with my limited drawing skills), and found the time to do the story in TS2 some time ago.

This post is dedicated to elder Sims, who I feel are often overlooked as they are often so in real life as well. With the COVID-19 epidemic going on at the time of this post, I fully realized how vulnerable elders are and I feel we must care for them especially in these times. 

When people commented about this epidemic being a ‘boomer-remover’, it stroke me as insensitive, because even though I know there are a lot of unpleasant older people out there, a lot of them are still pleasant and our loved ones (plus, not only older people are vulnerable). 

Agnes Crumplebottom was not known as a nice Sim, but her story in The Sims 3 enabled us to look at her in a different way. I was both tickled and touched by @yakumtsaki's words on Agnes here–poor woman is probably only able to rest in peace once she kicks the bucket, so, here is my attempt at a touching tribute before she did.

Also, I suggest listening to this playlist while reading this!

Everyone around Downtown knew the pitter-patter of those shoes. Couples would flee in horror, the scantily dressed would rush to the bushes, and pickpockets dared not go near her infamous purse. But that day was strange. She walked cheerfully past an unwary pair of lovebirds locked in amorous embrace on a bench and she greeted a young woman in a sequinned tube top ‘good morning!’.

She went to her usual spot, a pair of green, wooden recliners near the pond at the Crumplebottom Memorial Park (named after a renowned relative who was unfortunately crushed to death by a chandelier many years ago). She brought out some bread crumbs and fed the ducks swimming at the pond, swarming at her by the side. She was always so kind to animals. But to people? Not so much.

“There you go, little darlings!” She said to them, her voice high-pitched and rickety. A duck came near her feet to peck off the crumbs near her shoes. She didn’t realize it was there until it had pecked the toe of her shoe.

“Ooh!” She exclaimed, giggling a bit. “Aren’t you a curious one!“

She took out her lorgnette glasses and inspected the little critter. The people walking by were rather confused by this. She’d usually sit down and feed the ducks, but giggle and smile? They’re not even sure if it’s really THE Agnes Crumplebottom. Truth be told, they haven’t seen her for the past few months. At any rate, it was a quiet autumn day, and there weren’t many people around. 

She sat down and allowed the curious little fowl approach her. "Now don’t you peck and be a good girl, alright? I’m just here to relax.” 

She caressed the pearl necklace hanging around her neck. “My fiancé gave this to me, you know. He’s just the most darling thing! And his last name is Darling, too, funnily enough. I’m going to be Agnes Darling very soon. Isn’t that wonderful?”

She adjusted her weaved picture hat and seemed rather confused. “Why am I, why am I wearing this…hat? Where’s my grey hat? Oh, darn. I must’ve left it at my sister’s. My word.”

“What was the name of her son again? Murray? Mortimer? Oh, he’d love ducks, I think. Those little boys are always up to something, but he seems like a bright young man. I’ve never really had a chance to spend much time with him. Truth be told, I don’t know him or his father that well. So silly of me. Oh! And I’m talking to a duck!”

She laughed, then sat back and took a deep breath and looked around.

“My my. Where is Erik? He said he was going to meet me here.”

Agnes rose from her seat and approached the rental shack at the corner of the park, not far from there. The rental shack clerk was raking the leaves nonchalantly whilst humming and heard the pitter-patter of shoes approaching. He lifted his head and greeted the woman, after only seeing half of her from under his hat.

“Good afternoon, how can I he–ELP YO-uu…” He jumped, fixing his glasses that slipped off his nose in shock.

“Merciful heavens! What on earth is the matter with you?” She yelled, lorgnette glasses in hand, inspecting him suspiciously.

“No–nothing, Miss Crumplebottom.”

“I was wondering, have you seen my fiancé? He’s about so tall and has blonde hair?”

The rental shack clerk was quiet for a few moments. “Fiancé?”

“I thought I was asking the questions, here!” Agnes yelled.

“Um…um…no, I haven’t…I thought he…your husband…passed on?”

Agnes lift her left eyebrow. “Husband? Passed on?”

The rental shack clerk looked both confused and scared.

Agnes blinked a few times, saying nothing and looking like she was thinking about something. She turned around and walked away, leaving the rental shack clerk relieved and he went back into his shack to go about his business. 

“Oh, what nonsense. Passed on. Passed on where...” She rubbed her pearl necklace and looked apprehensive. She clutched her pearls tightly and squinted her eyes, fiddling with her fingers.

Agnes walked a few meters away into the park and stopped. She dropped her purse and began sobbing as she fell to the ground. It had all came back to her.

The honeymoon. The accident. The years of pain and hurt and the bitterness that followed. She had woken up that day like a new woman, who only remembered of her days before all of that disappointment, the false hope of love. 

How confused would the Downtowners be had they seen it. They’ve never seen her cry or express any emotion other than rage. The younger ones hardly knew who she was except for the stories they’ve heard about the purse of terror.

Some simply thought she was just a demented old bat. Now, even more. Those years of self-righteousness were born out of the disappointment, but now, she was no longer a threat. If anything, she realized that she had been her own biggest threat in the decades that she’s lived. 

“Aunt Agnes!” Called out a woman’s voice, running towards her. A hand grasped her arm and helped her up as the elder lady trembled. Agnes could barely see, worsened by her tears. She squinted but didn’t know who it was.

“Who is this–who are you? I don’t know you…” She asked, meekly, in between little sniffs.

“It’s me, Cassandra.”

She sobbed and shook her head. “I don’t know! I don’t know where, who–”

“Cassandra. Your sister’s granddaughter, remember? Grandma Cornelia?”

“Oh…” She answered, as if she remembered, but not really. Nevertheless, she calmed down. “Cornelia, Cornelia. Yes.” 

Cassandra led her great-aunt into the wheelchair she had brought and sat her down gently, tucking her purse firmly into her lap. “Aunt Agnes, you shouldn’t have left the house. It’s lucky that your nurse called me, we’ve been trying to find you for hours. You know you can’t go out on your own.” 

“I don’t know…I’m lost…I couldn’t find Erik…”

Cassandra tilted her head and put her hand over her shoulder.

“Why don’t we get you home, Aunt Agnes? Would you like that?”

Agnes leaned her head to the side and nodded.

[turtlecleric]

assumption - others have said in need of a hug (yes true) but also,

may not have been praised in the way that you deserved growing up and instead others tried to dim your light because they were envious or wanted to see you fail (->im here to tell you they suck ass. you're everything and more; skilled; determined; worthy; and i love you so so much and i am so so proud of you)

Did you know that I would die for you? Did you know that I love you so goddamn much? Did you?

This is way too much personal info that no one actually cares to know, probably, but. I'm sort of avoiding work on purpose at the moment and I'm having a really rough day. Who needs therapy when you have asks on Tumblr to rant in? (I'm joking, to be clear. Actual therapy is so valuable and important if you manage to find a competent professional who clicks well with you. The only reason I stopped going is because of Covid, time, and money.)

Warning: VERY long vent ahead, please do not feel obligated to read or respond

My dad was really good about praising me in ways that felt genuine, actually, though that made the times he /was/ upset with me all that much worse. My dad isn't perfect, and he's done some things and said some things that I'll never forgive, that I'll never be able to forget, but I would also do anything for him. I know he's there for me when I need it, I know he'll answer when I call, I know that he actually cares about me. He and maybe like two cousins are the only family I would never be able to cut off.

My mom... I guess it was just sort of the baseline bare minimum expectation that I would do things well, so when I /was/ praised it was just like... oh, good job sweetie! Proud of you! But it didn't feel... I don't know how to describe why but... I don't know. Now, when people tell me I do things well I always have that voice in my head that's like "they're just being nice, they don't actually think it's all that great, they expected you to do a much better job than this, actually, why did you even bother sharing? Why did you think this was something to be proud of?" I read way too far into things, interpreting neutral reactions, or even positive reactions that aren't as enthusiastic as I might have hoped for, as proof that people are simply being nice and don't really like what I do or make or say all that much. I always get stuck in this mindset that I'm not allowed to create mediocre content, like it all has to be Excellent or else it's Terrible.

I also remember in high school, posting some drawings on Facebook that I was really proud of. Two drawings, one with hands in chains and cut up and the other with healed hands glowing with holy light and cradling a cross. It was supposed to show the difference between life without God and life with God (I was... VERY religious as a teenager. I am now agnostic.), but she saw the first picture and freaked out, super pissed, yelling at me to take it down, to not embarrass her like that, because people were going to see that and think I was abused or depressed or something (haha... me? Depressed? Nahhhhh). And that was the moment when I knew I could never ever ever share anything even remotely dark with her, that if I ever were to express something that indicated I was anything other than good and happy and perfect then she would react similarly. She's also very judgemental regarding mental health, often made comments about how "people who are/do x are sick, there's just something wrong with them, make sure you stay away from people like that" while I'm sitting on the couch like... oof. That's me. So all my venting went to Tumblr where she couldn't see, and even now I mostly only vent on Tumblr and through writing. I have many wonderful friends that would gladly allow me to vent to them (I love you all so much I love you I love you I love you, thank you for being so kind), but I simply Cannot. I've had a friend before where it felt like all they did was complain, they were always so goddamn negative, and it became a chore to talk to them. I started to get angry every time they said or did something defeatist, I stopped enjoying talking or hanging out with them, and I refuse to be that person. Even if I'm told over and over that I don't come across that way, I'm so terrified of it that when I think about reaching out I start to think of that friend and about how I shouldn't bother people and I panic. Unless I've gotten to the point where I truly believe that nothing I do or say will ruin the friendship, then it's really hard to push through that fear. But that's so much harder than it used to be because I /did/ lose a friend that I thought I would have literally for the rest of my life, I was so 100% confident that we would be 80 years old still hanging out with each other and goofing around, so sure we could go through anything together and stay friends, I knew in my heart and soul that we would be friends until we died, and I was wrong. I was wrong. I also had a different friend who was always there for me, always praised me, always listened to me when I needed it and told me kind things and made sure I felt welcome and loved and viewed positively, and then he fucking assaulted me one night when he thought I was asleep.

Anyway. When I /did/ fail at things growing up, it was either punished more severely than necessary or straight up laughed at. Mom was very hot and cold, too, you could never tell what kind of mood she was going to be in that day. (She is still like this. It's well known in my family that you never know which version of her you're going to get.) Things are fine one moment and then suddenly I'm in trouble for something I didn't even realize I did wrong (like with the drawings), so I'm just. Terrified of not doing well enough at things, of disappointing people, of people being annoyed with me or upset with me over something I didn't even realize was rude or mean or wrong to begin with.

"Don't overstay your welcome; don't bother people" was pounded into my head. I can't express how often I start to say or type something and then think, "No one cares. Stop bothering people. You're being too much, you're being annoying, they're tired of you, just keep it to yourself." I'm working on it but. Yeah. Half the time I still just stop talking or backspace and stay quiet. Even typing this, I'm like... you should delete this. You're basically just begging for attention, and if anyone says anything about this to you then it'll only be because they felt obligated to and they're going to start seeing you as a whiny, pathetic, manipulative person, and they're going to get tired of you and roll their eyes every time you say anything, even if it's not you venting, or they'll see this and think about how stupid or weird it is for you to put this information out on the internet, and even this sentence right here is proof that they'd be right because you're aware of all these thoughts and you're still doing it.

But then another part of me thinks that if I can't even vent on my own blog on a post that literally no one is required to read that is also hidden under a readmore and clearly states that it's a vent post, then where /can/ I vent? And if someone else posted this, would I be this harsh on them? And what's so wrong with seeking attention and comfort? Why is that unforgivable in yourself but admirable in others? Why are you crying at work? Why aren't you doing your job? Why aren't you better? Why aren't you better?

[colorisbyshe]

Hey! I just found some of your posts bc I was searching scleral buckle in the search bar… you had one post that said retinal detachment is usually for people in their 50s+ but I am 27 so heeeeyy ❤️ I just had surgery last Wednesday and was wondering how things are for you since it seems like it’s been like 10 or so months since you had yours done? Maybe im wrong idk but I literally do not know anyone irl with this, or online either. Hoping for some words of advice and also maybe to hear that there’s light at the end of this horrible thing im going through rn

Hi!

It’s actually been a couple of years since my surgery, I got mine riiiight as hospitals were getting overcrowded and restrictive cause of Covid so it’s been a hot second!

In the immediate wake of my surgery, I had double vision. A freak out about puss that had me going to my specialist just to affirm that it’s okay. And I hated the recovery period and spent time trying to remove the arm off al old pair of glasses so I could lie on my side and watch tv lol. I wasn’t in a good place, it sucked. Eye horror affected me very badly for the first ~2 years because the sight of my scarred eye freaked me out

But most of the awful bits were over within a month, maybe bits lingered for two but I honestly don’t remember.

As for longterm consequences, my right eye (that experienced the holes/detachment) is slightly worse than my left eye prescription wise but it’s not a major difference. Some peripheral vision is weaker in the sense that there are small patches at are a bit blurry. I can feel a bump where the incision was when I’m rubbing my eye sometimes.

And when I’m suuuper tired or my eyes are suuuper dry (which happens more often now but I might just be aging lmfao), sometimes the dread Black Curtain around the edge of my eye sight comes back. My specialist says it’s fine.

I went from monthly check ups to every three months to every six months but I will likely be going to some specialist at least yearly, if not twice a year, for the rest of my life.

But otherwise… life is normal. My eye doesn’t look weird, though they’re never been even even before this. I can read with both eyes open or even with my good eye closed, though perhaps the text is SLIGHTLY blurry. I can drive safely. No more holes have appeared.

Just don’t do anything that will involve potentially hitting your head. Head injuries, even mild ones, are high risk. That said I went on some roller coasters that threw my head about and I’m fine. I have no other advice—listen to your surgeon and know it’ll be okay on the other side.

We are higher risk in general for some issues down the line but four years in I haven’t hit ‘em yet so. I think we’re both gonna be okay for a while yet!

[humanmorph]

C/W (01-05) thoughts

Finished the first C/W arc + first faction game (which really took me a while. I'm blaming PALISADE and also the bad weather and ALSO getting obsessed with finishing a bigass drawing in 2 weeks)!

I've said this in a different post already when I had just started listening, but I had like, way lower expectations on this, which seems silly in hindsight. I think I just have a tougher time relistening to podcasts (it's not an issue with rereading books or rewatching movies, really), and often stop about halfway... But it's just really fun to look at C/W again having listened to the rest of the Divine Cycle (and also the other seasons, because it's fun to look at the different player characters throughout). And like. They've gotten better at this over the years so by comparison C/W is 'worse' but it's still fucking good. When it hits it hits, and it honestly hasn't even really started hitting yet (though there's some good moments already for sure. Mako buying a bunch of robots was exactly as funny as I remembered it being)! I'm pretty much just excited for everything, but the Kingdom Game expecially. Something else I'm enjoying (and he'll always continue to do this, but it's so Present in C/W) is how Austin describes scenes. He uses film making language SO much (Counter/WEIGHT is an anime, right)! It's good stuff. I'm trying to not get too used to the system because I know they'll switch. I know WHY they switched and stuff & agree with that decision but I still think it's a cool system & am enjoying the time with it, even if some scenes do drag on quite a bit (which isn't only because of the system, but it also isn't helping).

Some character stuff, I guess: AuDy: They were my favourite at the start last time I listened and I think that pretty much holds up. They're just good. They don't even do that much in this first arc (although dropping from the ceiling as a distraction is pretty fucking great), & I think most of the really good AuDy moments are still coming up, so it speaks to the fact that it's just a good concept for a character that I immediately enjoy. I'm pretty sure they continued to be my favourite pretty much until September? I guess l'll can talk more on it when I get there, though.

Mako: I'm gonna be honest I remembered Mako as way more annoying than he is. At least in this beginning arc. He's literally fine. His whole fogging robots deal is kind of weird to listen to now, since it's something they'd either not do now or actively adress in the story since it's a kind of way to take away agency that's pretty uncomfortable when you look at it longer. I wonder if there's a way that'll come up in the first Chime mission mini-arc? Their hands are a bit tied there since it's a prequel I guess, but there's probably a way to do it. Anyways, Mako ends up as my favourite by the end of the season, and I actually don't quite remember how he got there? But same with AuDy, I'll talk more on it when I get to September (it's possible it was the clone reveal. I love those).

Cass & Aria: They have to share a paragraph because I don't have an extremely strong opinion on them either from my last listen at this point in the story, nor do I now. I'm excited for Aria stuff expecially though. I've mentioned this before, but I'm definitly better at listening and actually processing information now, and it's extremely possible that I just missed things about both Aria and Cass that were just kind of mentioned in a sentence but are actually very important to their characters. (Looking back, I listened to C/W right after I had covid, so some sort of brainfog might also be at fault.) Expecially because Ali isn't very. I can't think of the right word now. But she's just quieter in play (not audio! that's Art.). It's nice seeing everyone get better at this, but for Ali expecially I'm super excited to see her go back to Aria for that mini-arc.

Re: the faction game - it's really good that I know that they cut back on factions later / consolidate them because it is. Not overwhelming necessarily but it's easy to get confused? I feel like I need to take notes on what factions do or like, also have a list of all of them to check to keep track. It's probably a good idea to check out the summaries on the wiki after I listen to these & see if I missed anything. (I keep zoning out because I'm thinking about different, later Counter/WEIGHT stuff, usually related to something they just mentioned.)

All that aside: with the scenes and also just ideas generally they are pretty much immediately crushing it. Like oh my god that first Snowtrak scene just rules so much. That's critical worldbuilding, smart characterization, and fun interaction between good friends right there.

I definitly didn't draw fanart when I was listening in 2020, and I don't know if I will now, but I'm at least in more of a mindset to even want to do it. (& actually, there is ONE scene I was extremely wanting to draw even back then, I just thought I couldn't do it. I do think I can do it now! And I will at the very least try.) But speaking of art, here's a Hudson Thorne for your troubles if you read to the end:

[goldenkamuyhunting]

WARNING; The promo you see above for Asirpa was made by me, using the official promotional image they made for her and the same template they used for the other promo so that all the three characters would have their own promo. Just don’t think it’s official. And now, let’s start.

Since I love Nendo and I made posts for Asirpa and Ogata’s Nendoroids, I feel bad if I don’t do one for the Sugimoto one.

We’ve started with seeing a promo for his Nendo on the 12th of January.

As people who’s into Nendo know, the image in the promo isn’t necessarily showing the Nendo as it will be released but something close to it.

Differently to the Ogata Nendo, which was released because it won the 2019 survey along with other 5 characters from other stories, Sugimoto is likely being released because the anime studio asked for it (the GK Nendo are based, according to the Goodsmile website, to their anime counterparts), same as Asirpa. In short, he’s promotional material.

And it seems they’re in quite a rush to release him. In fact, on the 7th of February they announced they would show a preview of its Nendo on the 12th of the same month.

Quite a difference from how we were left hanging for A WHOLE YEAR, before the prototype for the Ogata Nendo was released even if, credits when it’s due, we were in the middle of the Covid mandemic and way too many Nendo were delayed.

So here it is, the Sugimoto Saichi prototype.

And this prototype is close enough to the promo image (the only big difference is that in the image his right hand was close while in the prototype it’s obviously open).

Something I want to point is noteworty is that Sugimoto’s rifle isn’t fully in plastic but has a piece of cloth that allows it to be placed on Sugimoto’s shoulder.

It’s something I wrote to Goodsmile to use for Ogata’s rifle and they didn’t... so it’s nice to see that they finally are doing it.

Opefully, if there’s a shooting pose, they place the rifle in the correct manner as well (the Ogata Nendo can’t keep the rifle the way Ogata does, even though they had other Nendo doing so, as you can read in my review for this Nendo) or if they’ll just skip the shooting option and give him more fighting poses (Sugimoto was more of a fighter than a shooter).

They’re also giving Sugimoto the chance to look more dynamic as they gave him additional moving legs. I wonder if they’ll give him a sitting piece so he too can make Citatap same as Ogata...

I fear the hat will be sadly not something that can be removed, so I won’t be able to use it with the Ogata Nendo, which is a pity. At least his arms seems to be well articulated and the prototype seems to be well detailed down to the buttons on his coat.

For who’s interested in him, and I know there were quite a few, it will probably be a cute looking, well done Nendo.

Meanwhile, since both Asirpa and Ogata get a re-release, if you don’t have them yet, you might consider getting them.

[lieahsblog]

I’m writing this post today because i believe that there are people out there, kind people, like my friend Mohammed, who help people. open up their homes to people.

Let me begin by saying this: the last four months, i have seen videos and pictures from gaza i will never be able to unsee. ever. every video and picture i’ve seen from a palestinian in gaza, i cant help but notice the heartbreak, the bone-deep exhaustion in their eyes. They’ve been locked in with their killers, and no one has made any move to free them from this perpetual hell. They have been condemned. can you imagine being in their position? do you ever look up at the ceiling of a room and wonder, how does something like this collapse on top of a human body? how does something like this collapse on top of a child’s body? a baby’s body? there is torture of human bodies in gaza. from collapsed buildings, to bullets ripping flesh, to skin engulfed by burns, to stomachs eating themselves from starvation.

Every image coming out of gaza, every story, seems to be worst than the last. the levels and the forth of cruelty on display right now… i’ve never seen anything like this in my whole life. the fact this is all being streamed onto our phones. palestinians are clinging onto any way to save their loved ones, their families.

Among those families is my friend Mohammed. There is one thing i’ve come to know about him in the short time i’ve known him: he is incredibly kind. When people in the north of gaza were forced to evacuate by the occupation, they had no shelter. Mohammed opened up his home, in the middle of everything, to four different families from the north. He himself has been forced to evacuate as well, and is no longer in his home. In this freezing weather, people in gaza have only a tent to protect them from the cold. His beloved parents have recently been displaced to a tent: I don’t think we can imagine the pain of seeing your loved ones in that condition and not being able to help them.

People in gaza had a life before this current genocide. For Mohammed, this involved his new company that he recently launched. the building of his company is in pieces now. He has a beautiful wife, and two beautiful children. he loves them very much, and they love him too.

Amongst the heartbreak, the violence, the cruelty, palestinians in gaza have constantly helped each other in any way they could. There is man named Ehab, who i met on twitter. His team’s account @GazaDirectAid on twitter, and his account is @rida_ehab on twitter. Being a displaced person himself, he has been working tirelessly throughout these past four months collecting donations to provide food, shelter material, sanitary products, diapers. you name it, he’s provided it. He was recently ill with a virus, and on the telegram channel where his team posts updates, they translated his messages and the first thing he wanted to was hand out more relieved to the children in his displaced community, whilst being actively ill with covid like symptoms.

Time and time again, palestinians in gaza have shown everyone the meaning of humanity, though they themselves have been denied it. In gaza, people who have nothing give everything. Palestinians in gaza have found that they can only rely on each other. Let’s show them that they can rely on us, too.

Mohammed has a campaign to raise funds for evacuation. Just 300 people donating $88 will be all that it takes for Mohammed’s donation goal to be reached. 300 people giving $88 to his campaign will be all that it takes to save a palestinian family who has been abandoned by the rest of the world for four months. I know that there are more than 300 people who are disgusted with the genocide gaza is being subjected to. I know that there are more than 300 people who want to help palestinians wherever they can. I know that this can be accomplished very quickly, because time is not a luxury gaza has right now.

I’m writing this post today because i believe that there are people out there, kind people, like my friend Mohammed, who help people. open up their homes to people. I’m writing this post today because i believe that 300 of these people will see my post, and donate $88 to my friend mohammed, the kind man.

@reesepiece2

@humanvoicebox

[winderlylandchime]

I came on your blog to send you a few updates about my brother because the man is a gift that keeps on giving and then I saw that you tagged one of the posts about wanting an update about my brother. Gotta love it when the planets align that way haha. I apologize for how long this is but it has been an interesting week in my brothers life so I tried my best to keep it short and failed as you can see lol.

First of all I had to break the news to him about Randy retiring from acting to become a therapist. And it went just as how you’d imagine it to go if you imagine a grown man with a tendency to be childish and dramatic reacting to it. So many things happened so I gotta tell you the highlights: We were on facetime and I told him, he screamed (an actual AHHHH while holding a hand to his chest) and then went ‘of fucking course! The second I join the fucking party, he decides to fucking retire. And I’m supposed to NOT take it personal?!’. And while he was going on about it he was also doing something but i didn’t see what and all I saw was him grabbing scissors in a really stupid way (they were pointed towards him) so I went ‘ummmm’ and he goes ‘what? Oh come on, not even I am that fucking dramatic. I’m making myself a *said so that the last letter made a pop type of sound* crop top.’ And then he enthusiastically showed me the shirt that had A LOT of writing on it and he cut it so that only the first word is on it which is “HOLE”…. He is very proud of it btw, plans to wear it to his PT next week.. i swear he lives his life like a reality show mixed with a sitcom.

Anyway, he can’t believe Randy is actually going to be a therapist. Like at all. And then he goes ‘that’s so fucking weird though. Blondie a therapist. There’s no way people won’t recognize him..*long pause* do you think Gale also has a normal job now? Imagine he’s like a professor or some shit since he is nowhere to be found (me: how do you know that?)….i may have googled him..seriously is he even alive still?’ (ngl now i keep wondering if Gale also said fuck it and got a normal job) and then what followed was him gasping and then looking up at the ceiling and going ‘dear god.. i know i talk a lot of shit about you but if you could PLEASE make some gay dude go viral with a tweet or a dumb tiktok video about how Blondie is his therapist, that would be so fucking dope. Thanks bye’ and now I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of some gen z kid making a tiktok about it..

The good thing about this week is that he is finally covid free so i was talking to a non-feverish person which tbh not much difference, the bad thing is the dude somehow managed to get laryngitis so he’s losing his voice at a speed of light and while he was going on and on about Randy, he kept losing his voice more and more..which obviously made things for me, his little sister, a lot more fun. He was completely raspy yesterday and today he kinda still has a voice but not really. And no, none of this has prevented him from not talking about Randy retiring. It’s been over 24 hours.. Mom was annoyed with him because he will lose his voice talking about a middle aged white gay man, so he is balancing it by also talking about Gale aka a middle aged white straight man.

He also got really angry because he discovered that QAF online doesn’t have the right soundtrack (he already knew that but forgot). He was so upset about that that he was going on about it for at least 5 minutes while sounding like a dying goat. He then tried to bribe me to send him my dvds..So now his mission for 2024 is to somehow/somewhere find the dvds. Mom is hoping he doesn’t succeed because she knows full well what would happen aka he will force her to watch it. However our uncle is betraying her by helping him because the 69 year old gay dude likes drama. Mom thinks the fact that she lives 20 minutes away will stop my brother from making her watch it.. She clearly underestimates him.

And then probably my second favorite part because I got to witness it all through texts and voice memos and facetimes is that while he had covid, he had a lot of free time so one day he said fuck it and started going through everything qaf related online. So here’s a bit of a rundown of his 20 years late opinions: He is (still) angry at Hal, he’s angry at one of the writers (i forgot his name but it’s the writer who talked shit about Randy publicly), he has mixed feelings about Dan and Ron just because he’s not very fond of old men but he is also sure as fuck that they had issues with Randy, he found out that Michelle has a child with Bryan Singer and now he doesn’t like her because “i have morals.” He again remembered Gale was Pentecostal and that threw him in for a spiral at 3 am and what followed was a feverish rant about cults (which made no sense but that’s okay). He found old interviews where Randy was not so fond of qaf and that made him have some feelings but it ended up with him announcing a “war” against writers. And then he circled back to his anger at Hal because he decided that he was clearly jealous of Gale/Randy’s attention. He has range ngl. This is also where he decided Gale is a missing person because ‘seriously how the fuck can nobody post anything about him? Make him go to some charity event or some shit, I miss my man.’

Then on the day that I told him Randy is retiring which was like 2(?) days ago, he called me because he listened to the Poly episode of Randy’s podcast again (this lead to me later telling him since he didn’t see the new ep since this was the only one he had saved) anyway he called me to ask ME about if I* think he could be polyamorous (having siblings that youre close with is such a weird fucking thing). Then he decided I was not the right person to ask so he called our aunt who actually is polyamorous while he was on facetime with me and I got to witness the beauty that made me and my neighbor laugh way too hard (i wish you could hear/see him but just imagine a toddler covered in chocolate trying to make a point with an attitude how he totally didn’t eat the chocolate) because our aunt hit him with ‘i mean…stranger things have happened but also (his name), you broke up with your ex girlfriend because she wouldn’t share her purse with you’ He argued it with this and I quote ‘okay FIRST of all how DARE you bring that up, you know I’m still sensitive about that, 2nd the purse matched my outfit so it was rude she didn’t share. 3rd, I shared my two purses with her whenever she asked because sharing is caring, see that proves my point, 4th the purse was in a box for donations so once again: RUDE on her behalf and 5th and probably most important part: she cheated on me with her cousin’s girlfriend 2 days before so I think the least I deserved was to be allowed to borrow a fucking purse.’ Reader, I need you to understand that this happened like 10 years ago when he was like 25. Till this day he is more upset about the purse part than the cheating part. He was upset about that for a week until she texted him she thinks she’s gay and then he went ‘oh..i mean you couldve just fucking said so..btw did you throw that purse away?’ Our whole family still makes fun of that (in a nice way) bc he really didnt care about anything except the purse but also because he hit on a girl at bar once and she told him she’s gay and he pulled up instagram and showed her our accs and went ‘i got a sister or an ex, whose number would you prefer’ so he’s definitely still upset over the purse. Btw the jury is still out on him being able to share a whole human.

And also today which is why I’m sending you this now, I woke up to these next texts: ‘what if i change my therapist and I go to Randy? How fucked up would that be?’ ‘Imagine I end up in his office and just start talking to him about qaf’ ‘wait hold up, imagine if I didn’t know it’s him! And i show up in my Justin shirt and go on this long speech about this show and Brian and Blondie…at what point do you think he’d stop me?’ ‘Okay so I texted (his therapists name) and after he was done being mad at me for asking him dumb questions under the impression of emergency late at night, his only words were ‘in my humble professional opinion, (his name), it would be BEYOND fucked up’ but I think he’s exaggerating, what do you think?’ ‘So what kind of therapist do you think he’ll be? Like one on one ‘you got depression, heres pills’ type or couples or what?’ ‘Also do you think he’ll be a cool chill therapist or will he be one of those that look like they escaped their Mormon family and have a stick up their ass?’ ‘Do you think my man is also doing some random work now? Like mechanic or something?’ ‘My man as in my man Gale btw’ ‘no but fr imagine you go to therapy and the dude who you watched fuck on tv is your therapist… at what point do you tell him that you know what his booty looks like?’ ‘His choice in clients are limited.. either kids with no social media or like the fucking Amish’ So I would say he is handing the Randy retirement/therapist news about the same as all of us… or worse.. I actually can’t decide.

Dear sweet anon! I put out into the universe that I wanted updates from you and your brother and the universe delivered.

First of all, we are all devastated about Randy retiring from acting/public life. But also, as a therapist, I do support this journey for him. I do think it will be hard but he will have supervisors along the way to help him navigate the fact that there is footage out there of his butt on a Showtime show. Either that or he can only see clients who are toxic levels of heterosexual.

Speaking of your brother's idea to covertly become his patient, may I direct you to this anon I received? Here THE FANDOM KNOWS YOUR BROTHER AND PREDICTED HE WOULD WANT TO INFILTRATE RANDY'S THERAPY PRACTICE.

The soundtrack online is a travesty and is also homophobic. Would your uncle help me find the DVDs too? I have S2 but not the rest. (I don't even have a DVD or Blu Ray player but I also bought the entire David Tennant Doctor Who collection on Blu Ray (well minus 14 I guess) so at this point I'm just collecting stuff. (I do have a link to a google drive with all the episodes but you or your brother would have to reach out to me by DM here or on discord (thataj.) because I can't post it publicly (it's not actually mine lol).

I think it is very polyamorous to break up with someone for not sharing. Also, I am now curious about his collection of purses. Isn't sharing the name of the game in polyamory?

I think all of his opinions about everyone are so valid. We do get one (1) proof of life from Gale on social media per calendar year. Usually on someone else's account. I know there was a post of him in 2023 so we need to look out for 2024. I do NOT know what he is doing to earn a living these days. It is very likely he has a job that is not in entertainment or at least not on stage or on screen. Maybe entertainment adjacent?

Thank you so much for this update. I love that this continues to cause drama and discussion in your family. I love that your brother's therapist is fully involved. And I love that you continue to share your family with us.