#i wish i had something horribly wrong with me i know its selfish and bad to say that

[cripplepunkfag]

god i wish i could stop fuckin thinking this i feel like such a dick i KNOW people with more obvious and more serious disabilities dont "have it better" but i cant stop thinking about it i just wish i could collapse dramatically and get rushed somewhere and magically diagnosed i feel like such a fuckin drama queen because i feel awful all the time but its just like dizziness and pain do i even have the right to claim im disabled? its not like im diagnosed. its not like i know whats wrong. its not like its serious. maybe i am just fuckin faking it.

[cuubism]

home for the season (2.5k) (E)

some more Hope/Morpheus reverse AU, aka my most self-indulgent special little blorbos

--

Hope's favorite season is spring. Morpheus thinks this is horribly cliche, and has told him so. What's your favorite season, then, you Prince of Night? Hope had of course quipped back. Winter, I assume?

Morpheus had found himself blushing. ...Summer, he had admitted at length. Morpheus struggled to stay hopeful at the best of times, and in winter, in the dark, the cold, the late mornings and early evenings, it was even harder to find his way. Seasonal depression, he supposed. But summer...

It reminds me of you, he had said. How I feel... when I am with you.

Sweaty and overheated? Hope had said, but his expression was... Morpheus almost couldn't look at it directly.

Yes, Morpheus had said, and blinded by light.

Now it is winter, and Hope has been gone for three weeks. He is often gone. The other Endless, Hope has told him, have realms to tend to, actual places in the universe. Hope has no realm in that sense, his realm is the world, and the space among its creatures. Which gives him leave to live with Morpheus, but he cannot just stay in London all the time. He must go elsewhere, to places where he is very much needed.

Sometimes Morpheus goes with him, but he tires of so much travel. He has worked hard to build a tiny space in the world where he feels comfortable and it is difficult to be away from it for long. But more than that... he does not want to burden Hope when he is performing his function. He knows well that when he is there, Hope feels that he needs to... tend to him. To make sure he is okay. And Hope has other things he needs to be doing. Others he must tend to. Morpheus does not want to stifle him. Hope should be free. He was trapped once. Morpheus won't be the one to do it again.

He has not voiced any of that to Hope. Hope would only argue with him, or feel bad for needing to leave to perform his function. It is what it is. Morpheus has chosen to love someone so much grander than human, and that means he cannot always have him.

He misses him, though. He misses him so much, and especially in winter. He does not know how he survived decades between their meetings in the past.

But he persists. Because he loves Hope. And loving Hope is hard. It's so hard. But it's worth it.

It's been another two weeks--five total, now, since Hope left on his most recent voyage--two weeks of cold January wind and Morpheus spending his evenings huddled before the fireplace because he still can't quite get used to central heating, it is not as comforting--when Hope returns.

Morpheus is asleep, and is woken by a crashing sound in his living room, and Hope's quietly uttered fuck as he presumably stumbles back to his feet. Morpheus jumps out of bed and runs into the living room. He does not jump or run, usually, but for Hope, he does.

Hope looks up at him guiltily from where he's straightening an end table he'd knocked over in his rapid arrival. Hope does not need to travel by mortal means, he just appears. But he does not always have the best spatial awareness. "Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you."

"Please, feel free to teleport straight into my bed and wake me as much as you wish," says Morpheus.

Hope grimaces, plucking at his shirt. "I'm all gross, though.”

"I don't care."

Hope is not wrong about being 'gross': his white t-shirt is soaked in sweat, his hair and face covered in dust. Morpheus does not know where he's been. Selfishly, he doesn't want to. If he asks, Hope will doubtless tell him some horrible tale of suffering that may even end with Hope himself murdered in an atrocious manner. Something which cannot kill him, but which Morpheus finds distressing to hear about nevertheless. It's selfish to not want to hear it. But he has never been a very selfless person.

What he does do is hug him. This, too, feels selfish, though he doesn't know why.

"I should really shower," Hope says, but lets Morpheus hold him, and sighs when Morpheus cradles the back of his head. His anxious thoughts never seem to care that Hope cannot be killed. Morpheus worries for him anyway. Hope cannot be killed, but he can suffer. Has suffered.

"I am glad you are safe," Morpheus says.

"I'm always safe," Hope says. This is patently untrue. But Hope does not always like to talk about his past imprisonment.

Morpheus presses his nose into his shoulder. Hope smells like sweat and grime and dry heat. Morpheus just holds him tighter.

"Alright?" Hope asks, and Morpheus nods.

"I have missed you."

"Ah." Hope kisses his temple. "I missed you too, darling."

Morpheus indulges himself in holding him for another few moments. Then says, “You will want that shower, I imagine.”

“Yeah. Come with me? I did wake you up, though, so if you wanted to go back to sleep—”

“I will come with you,” Morpheus says. He won’t sacrifice his limited time with Hope for mere sleep. He can sleep the rest of his life, when Hope isn’t there.

“Good,” Hope says, with a smile, then takes his hand and draws him to the bathroom.

~

Morpheus is quiet while they bathe. This isn’t necessarily unusual for him, he’s reticent by nature, but still it pings something in Hope’s awareness. Then again, Hope did wake him up in the middle of the night, so maybe Hope is just overthinking. He’s quite good at that.

“Alright?” Hope asks, and Morpheus sighs.

“I miss you when you aren’t here,” he says.

It’s almost funny, the contrast between his always-solemn voice and the shampoo suds stuck in his hair, but Hope doesn’t laugh this time. “I know, darling. I’m sorry.”

“Especially in winter,” Morpheus continues, and then Hope feels stricken.

Oh. How did he not think of it? Winter is always difficult for Morpheus, the cold and early nights make it harder than ever for him to manage his depression. Hope can’t believe he thought it was a good idea to leave him alone.

“Oh,” he says, voice small, guilt rising. “Oh, I should have stayed with you, love, I’m—”

Morpheus stops him with a finger to his lips.

"You do not belong to me, Hope," he says quietly.

"Kind of do," Hope says.

"You belong with me," Morpheus says. A subtle but important correction. "At least, I should like to think so. I miss you. But I should hate myself were I ever to stifle you. It would be far worse.”

“Being with you isn’t stifling to me,” Hope protests, but Morpheus just keeps giving him that serious look. He sighs. “Fine. I understand what you mean. I can’t stay here all the time. But. I don’t like to think of you just here, hurting.”

It breaks his heart, it does, to think of Morpheus alone. He knows Morpheus survived centuries meeting him only once every hundred years, but still. It doesn’t mean he should have to.

“I am only being dramatic, do not change your behavior on account of my stupidity," Morpheus says, but his eyes look wet. "You have done nothing wrong."

"Can I at least give you a hug?"

Morpheus nods, and Hope pulls him into his arms. Soap smears between them, water slips, but Hope holds him tighter.

“Are you well?” Morpheus asks. “I do not even want to think about what horrible place you may have been.”

“No place is horrible, only its circumstances,” says Hope. “I won’t tell you about it, don’t worry.” The last thing Morpheus needs is more heavy things weighing on his mind. Besides, Hope is used to this. Being with Morpheus is enough of a salve for his wounds.

“Later, perhaps, you can tell me about the not-so-horrible parts of your journey.”

Hope kisses the side of his head, and gets a mouthful of shampoo. “Oof. Let me rinse your hair, you’re more soap than man.”

Morpheus submits to this, bending down so Hope can scrub his hair, and when he’s properly rinsed they both tumble out of the shower, tired, and dry off, and then Morpheus, taking charge of the situation once more, takes Hope to bed. Hope cuddles up to him, relishing in the touch of skin to skin.

“I’m glad I have you to come home to,” Hope tells him, lips pressed to his throat. Once upon a time he would just wander place to place, making friends wherever he went but never staying. He couldn’t have known how good staying might feel.

“Even when you are gone,” says Morpheus, haltingly, “you always give me a reason to stay.”

Hope kisses him, lightly at first and then deeper, sinking into Morpheus’s mouth. Morpheus is a lovely kisser, firm and sure and passionate. Hope curls a hand around his rib cage as they move together, and Morpheus tugs him closer by his hip, presses them up against each other, Hope’s leg slung over his, bodies entangled.

Morpheus’s tongue sweeps into his mouth. Fates, how Hope wants him right now, his surety. He wants Morpheus to command him to stay with his body, tempt him into putting down his sword, at least for the night.

Morpheus parts from his mouth to murmur in his ear. “You are beautiful,” he says, that low rumbling voice that Hope hears soothing him in dark moments. “When I am without you, you live in my every dreaming moment; these are more valuable than waking moments, you understand.”

He reaches a hand between them, wraps his long fingers around Hope’s hardening cock. Hope sucks in a sharp breath.

“Dreaming moments are more valuable?” he echoes.

“They are where... where I feel I am alive. Where I can create, and where I see shadows, but also light. And in every dash of sunlight I see you.”

“My tragic poet,” Hope murmurs, the words shuddering over the steady motion of Morpheus’s hand on him. It’s a soothing, sleepy way of working him, drawing Hope inexorably towards him like the pull of the deep sea. “I believe you are still wooing me.”

“I must.” Morpheus’s hips tilt in, his cock sliding against Hope’s, bellies rubbing. They move languidly together under the covers, warmth building between them. Morpheus takes them both in his hand and works them together; Hope just holds onto him. “I must. I must have you know. And see. You must see it.”

“I do,” Hope says, but he’s not sure he does. It’s hard to truly get inside Morpheus’s head. He does his best, but his understanding of Morpheus’s feelings is always imperfect.

“You must.” He twists his grip, drawing a gasp from Hope, who thrusts into his hand, seeking pleasure. Fates but it feels good to have something good and sweet and nice after the turmoil he’s wandered through these past weeks. He sinks into Morpheus’s touch, closing his eyes as they rock slowly together.

“Are you falling asleep on me?” Morpheus teases, as Hope just sighs, leaning into him.

“Your touch could lull me to sleep,” Hope says. But the edge of pleasure is just bright enough that he wants to chase it rather than truly fall into it. He twines his fingers through Morpheus’s hair, brings their lips back together. Kisses him as Morpheus builds the pleasure between them, strokes his thumb over him. Hope tugs on his hair, pulling a moan from Morpheus’s throat, bites it from his mouth, brings him ever closer with his heel hooked around the back of his leg. Being with him is sweet, and warm, and makes Hope shiver, the release of the tension he’s carried in him since he left. He gives himself over to Morpheus’s hands and it’s such a gift. If Morpheus thinks he is the only one gaining hope from being together he is wrong.

“Morpheus,” he breathes, as Morpheus’s lovely hands bring him quietly over the edge. He shudders, hands tightening in Morpheus’s hair. Morpheus strokes him through it, touch light. Moves close to press their bodies together and grinds into the crook of Hope’s hip. Hope tucks his face into his shoulder, breathing hard as Morpheus brings himself off against his skin. He moves so beautifully, he is so beautiful, Hope doesn’t know how he ever manages to leave him.

Morpheus comes with a gasp, and not long after Hope feels tears on his cheek, pulls back to look but Morpheus only shakes his head, eyes wet.

“Ignore me,” he says, when Hope meets his gaze.

“I could never. Your pain is too loud to me for that.”

Morpheus huffs. “I am not in pain.” Hope just holds his gaze, and Morpheus concedes, “I simply do not want you to go.”

“Not going anywhere for a while,” Hope tells him, though the thought pains him as well. He wishes so much, in this moment, that he could just stay with Morpheus. But when he stays too long, when he’s idle, he feels his function itching at him. He’s not meant to be only in one place, no matter how much he loves that place.

“I’ll always come back to you,” he says, not for the first time.

Morpheus presses his forehead to his. “I know. And I will persist, and think of you when you’re gone.”

“Oh, darling.” Hope takes him into his arms, heedless of the mess that’s still between them. Morpheus clings to him, wraps all his limbs around him. The press of his body is soothing. Hope does get lonely while he’s away. He makes friends during his travels, but no one is a substitute for his Morpheus.

“How about this,” he proposes. “I’ll try to come back to you more often in winter, when it’s hard, hm? Fates know I miss you anyway.”

Morpheus nods. “I would be. Amenable to that.” He runs his fingers through Hope’s hair, kisses his lips. “For now, you must sleep. And so long as you are still here in the morning, I will be at peace.”

“I’ll make you breakfast,” Hope promises, for Morpheus, the nocturnal creature, is never awake in the morning. Hope usually rises with the sun.

“See that you do,” Morpheus says, and settles down heavy against him. Hope does a little subtle magic to clean up so he won’t have to move him again, then draws the blanket over them, banishing the remaining winter chill. In the morning, he’ll light the fire, because he knows they both like it, Morpheus especially. And they’ll cuddle up and pretend for a moment that every day is like this, that their time together doesn’t wax and wane with the turn of the seasons, that Hope doesn’t have to go and Morpheus doesn’t have to struggle. In those fleeting moments, reality, fears, duty and heartache are put aside and all that’s left is their love underpinning it all, all that’s left is them.

[verysanebsdfan]

Killua with a reader who has horrible friendship skills? like is kind of messed up so they don’t really function or take care of themselves so they can’t maintain healthy friendships. so one day the friendship falls out at greed island and she leaves Gon and Killua on they’re own and they meet her again and it’s whatever arc and she’s friends with people and healthy and stuff and he gets kind of upset. like, you’re happy now? you treat other people so well.. but you didn’t do that for me? and he like resents her a little.

SORRY IF ITS TO MUCH URGHH, also this would be more on the platonic side or if you want it could be like doomed friendship

uzgsgzialzi crying rn i suddenly forgot how to write lmao

you didnt specify if you wanted hc or story or whatever, so i tried something?? Also i made up names for your friends sooo...

tw/cw: killua is not happy. very bad thoughts. reader basically doesnt like herself in the first part

𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐍𝐈𝐂 𝐊𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐚 𝐙𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐲𝐜𝐤 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐆𝐨𝐧 𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐜𝐬𝐬

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

A day after day, you wonder why are you so different. Of course it pains you when you see you friends laugh and have fun together, but you just can't join. You are too tired to. It has been like this for some time, but it has been just getting worse. How could you laugh so freely, when you barely get up in the morning.

You wonder when has it started declining so fast. It has to be since the fight in Heavens Arena. The reminder of just how weak you are.

"What? Lost your breath? What a shame, i mean, you are a friend of those hella strong kids right? They already got to the 200th floor. Don't you want to do so too? Oh, wait, you are too weak for that, still stuck in the 190th floor"

In the end you lost. It just wasn't your day, that is what you told yourself. You hoped that as long as you stay with them, you would be able to grasp upon the light and get better, and consequentionally stronger.

Is it not your time yet? Or are your friends just progressing too fast? Yes! That must be it! But why can't you?! Are you just- NO! No...you cannot think like that. Gon would not be happy, and Killua too...He would right? Right?

The light is getting weaker and weaker...

𓈒���𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

Gon got all the cards. Greed island is over. As much as Gon wished you went with them. you Couldn't, you were so tired. Oh Gon felt so bad for leaving you behind, but as they watched your back when you were leaving, even Killua had hard time not trying to stop you just like Gon.

⋆｡ °✩⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨୧⋆ ｡˚ ⋆✩° ｡⋆

Some months later, you had gotten better and stronger. Mostly thanks to the help of your new friends, well, you knew them before. Your childhood fiends, Elizabeth and Stacy.

They are currently training to become hunters, and you are sort of guiding them.

Well. Some time after the chairman election, you met Gon and Killua again, well, they saw you, you didn't exactly see them though.

Gon was so happy to see you doing well, but Killua wasn't, well, sort of. He was of course glad that you are happy....but why couldn't you be happy with them? Were they not good enough for you?! Did you hate them?!

Of course he was wrong. But he didnt know that. That is what led to the current situation

━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━

"Are they better friends than we were?! Huh?" Killua yelled at you "Why did you leave us?! Were we not enough? Thats really selfish of you, you know!"

And with that, he walks away. Thats all... Gon stayed because he wanted an explanation... but Killua left, and did not return to you. Gon knows why you left. Killua doesnt. Gon understands. Killua....

[arcsnonexistantfandomblog]

How Selfishness Contributes to The Arch Illagers Down Fall

Authors Note ------ First, before we start this, as many others said, Minecraft Dungeons deserved a lot more than what it got. I wish within the game you could learn about his story, but of course, you have to pay 10-20 bucks for a book just to read it, the whole book is just the trailer and a little extra [AND more than the trailer could ever give] . However, I don't regret buying the book, that is how I got into the fandom myself. If you want to read it, I recommend going through Wikipedia for the plot, I could have made a PDF file of the book I bought, but I was the type in middle school to draw scenes onto it. However, within the post, you WILL get book snippets for character reference.

Let's be honest with ourselves, this game had so many chances to be a story all Minecraft players could enjoy around the world. Unfortunately, that is not the case...instead in my opinion, the game became slightly, if not a shameless way to market Minecraft to get quick money, it is like Legends and Earth, there was no way for these games to EVER have a good chance to become its own thing and be loved. To have to play DLCS to get the full story is BS in itself. The true story is about a victim of the orb of dominance whose decisions were affected by some selfishness.

Intro ---- Hey, do you remember that post with Magnifico and the Arch-Illager and about how the Arch-Illager had a better position to be the villain? Yeah, I still hold that opinion the ACTUAL reasons were... 1. The character in general. 2.The motives portrayed in the story. 3.The relationship between both 'characters' I still believe those reasons to be true, although the game sucks at letting that be what comes across. The story was a market attempt to allow players of the game to know the lore and... honestly, if it was in the game, it would have been nice... This idea came into concept after talking to a friend about how Walda mentions how Archie and Thord bickering was something that showed they were more concerned about themselves than anyone else...and to be honest? She is correct, this act of trying to make themselves look good without the concern of those who passed WAS selfish. I talked about how the main flaw of most characters was their selfishness within the story. Then in the silence, that gave me an idea, this essay here. Thord and Archie were thinking about themselves and that got Archie into trouble. Karl being self-absorbed over his 'feelings' being hurt caused Archies selfless action of leaving the village Archie BECAUSE of selfishness took the orb because he wanted to prove everyone wrong, not use it to better people's lives. Archie loses his Friends, the PEOPLE he loved because he was selfish to raid their village. The orb was selfish in wanting this power and using Archie as a vehicle for its true motives. Karl is smart enough to run away, but he is so selfish that he runs away, and NEVER comes back to help the heroes knowing what was happening was wrong. Hell, you could say it was pure fear that caused these actions. Walda and Thord were selfish to not only allow Archie out in the forest to die, but they were selfish enough to take Archies's throne. Thord was SELFISH and stole and his SELFISH behavior led to his death. These examples are what are here for reasons, Salah you could argue was selfish to want to kick Archie out...but that came with a little bit of logic and the thought of their people. Yumi does call them out, she KNOWS they would do nothing to defend the village compared to Archie. Yet Archie was selfless and knew it would be safer for his friends to leave.

Thesis - Selfishness contributes to the story.

In the story, the lesson can be that Selfishness contributes to eventual bad outcomes and conflicts. It repeatedly throughout the story shows that it leads to horrible things no matter how selfish it is. Like other villains, their selfish actions lead to harm. Frollo due to selfishness decides to continue with sin, leading to his death. Ursula due to selfish reasons, wanted the trident for herself, therefore it leads to her death. Scar due to his selfishness, wanting the throne, dies in consequence. All of these characters have a negative outcome due to selfishness on their part. However, this isn't about them, this is about several selfish characters in "The Rise of The Arch-Illager" who suffer from not being selfless... and one moment that shows that even with selflessness, it led to a selfish choice. What happens that is interesting is that...Archie is not really the antagonist, it's Thord. The story is about how Archie becomes the antagonist in the end, he does take on the position against the real protagonists, the heroes by the final pages and the damning raid revealed in the trailer. Archie gets another chance at the end of the story because the heroes know what kind of person Archie truly is. The narrator knew nothing of this, it is painted in a light that is misleading in a few ways. That speaks volumes about how different these things truly are. The narrator knows of the danger, not the person who causes it. The Arch-Illager is the combination of Archie and The Orb of Dominance. In fact, the future actions that are made, are also selfish decisions of the orb. This might explain why the Orb is destroyed and Archie isn't.

But this is about the Arch-Illager, or rather Archie, so let's talk about each listed selfish thing for Archie.

The Selfish Actions of Archie.

These actions are important because it shows the character of Archie, and how his past influences affect how he approaches the world. There are 3 arcs in my opinion, The Mansion Arc, The Village Act, and The Orb Act, each act develops Archies's character, but also shows his main traits. He is Compassionate, fearful, peaceful, and reasonable [justified or not], yet he can be selfish, aggressive, and defensive. He has so many times where it shows who he is. But this is about selfishness, not everything else. [] The Mansion Act [] This act marks the first selfish act when he got kicked out due to self-interest, and Walda's decision. Walda had several reasons to kick out Archie, that are addressed before he is kicked out. Like him being Weak, and that he 'endangered a life of a fellow Illager'. I will say how that is hypocritical due to Thord never getting kicked out due to him harming Archie. The selfishness comes from Archie caring about staying in the mansion, living and perhaps Thord to be gone. In those moments he didn't care much about what he might have done wrong, he put the blame on others, just like Thord did to him. His consequence was that after specific actions, Walda was upset, and despite his begging, she kicked him out forever. another consequence was that he was forced into the woods to try and survive.

[] The Village Act []

I would say this act is...interesting, there is no selfish behavior, in fact this arc marks his development. When he had defended Yumi, and his first selfless action happens here, which is important. You can say that Salah was a reason that Archie removes himself from the village, but in reality, Karl would have attacked either way. Karl KNEW who Archie was, if Salah was peaceful and Yumi had introduced Archie to the heroes, he would have attacked. Everyone knew salah was right including Yumi and Archie. That was when Archie was selfless, and that meant he was going...expect. [] The Orb Act [] This is an interesting act, because I have a feeling a lot of selfishness here ACTUALLY also includes the orb this time around. His development made him ready to face the woods, sure he almost died but he made it. It is revealed that the orb actually was a major reason for him getting guided there, and it means that Archie became a victim. Archie takes power from it, yet the Orb made him is vehicle for destruction. Even the orb says that their fates were 'forever intertwined', so here and forward it was a lot of the orbs decision too and was someone who encouraged these actions. Archie was also exhausted, so it was easier for the orb to get Archie on its side. Despite this, Archie still takes it because of Karl and Thord because they hurt him. To make them fall onto their knees, and yet it is interesting that the orb knows about his misery. In theory this means that he has some mindreading or some way to be in the victim's mind [like Bill Cipher]. Another selfish thing they do together is obviously raid the town, twice. This was selfish and it made Archie lose his dearest friends, and 'family'. The orb totally could have done this intentionally to put Archie in a spot where he would listen because he had no one else but it. They were selfish for trying to take the land and turning the villagers into slaves to 'work for the mines'. Archie knew these people to be someone people who did care, and yet...he did this to them. If anything in part I think this was the orbs decision, not Archies. The end of the book implies Archie is taken control of and from there it is easy to say anything else that happens that is selfish is of the orbs doing.

The Orb of Dominance and Manipulation

This is a lot more important than just Archie doing these actions, in fact the Orb protects Archie, feeds him, and gives him a place to sleep the FIRST day they met. This is a lot different than Yumi's decision, she did it out of empathy. She cannot guarantee full safety and comfort, but she can certainly try, and their friendship is mutual. They benefit each other and allow the other to learn some good traits. Yumi develops a point of view that explains Illagers and their violence and can sympathize with them a bit. Archie learns compassion for others, and that leads him to telling the Illagers to leave Yumi [and who she brings] alone purely due to it. Infact Archie even learns skills and actually helps the village, and it means he is thinking about others. Yumi doesn't let what upsets her to be bottled in when Archie is threatened. She speaks on how the heroes could care less of them, and would slaughter their pigs, cows, that they sleep in their beds, and steal their food. It speaks volumes on how and why she would trust Archie more than the heroes and it makes sense. The orb thought? it knows nothing, but the misery Archie has gone through and lures Archie into a position where he is listening and shakes its hand so to speak. Then when Archie is in its grasp it feeds him, comforts him, HELPS him. This thing is an object with a mind...if it had true compassion, it would welcome him with open arms to stay in the cavern and help before this. It is a small but important detail, it has no capacity to care, and will LIE to get its way, as Archie states near the end of the book. Half of the book is about how Archie is backed into this spot where the barley has no say in some of the actions, again acknowledged and implied by Archie that he was getting 'dominated' by the orb. He feels stupid for not thinking about the name before, yet...He was exhausted, weak, and literally just finished climbing a mountain before the deal was made. When you get to the boss fight that also proves that Archie was a vehicle to this, and he is TURNED into a monster by the orb of dominance because it wasn't getting what it wanted from Archie. We get not a single word in the game from this...and yet it is meaningful. Archie is making noise when he is sucked in, That I saw as possible pleading for his life, or even begging to just let him lose. Or he knew that the Orb wasn't going to let it end and he was forced to be in this position. Then...finally when the Orb was defeated and destroyed, Archie 'tries to keep on' [I don't think so], and it breaks. Archie free and ready to approach the world again. I think the orb in that moment was trying to hold onto Archie, wanting more, wanting the world and NEEDING its vessel. I mean that is how I see it based on their relationship. There are several times when Archie was ready to stop and leave this. SEVERAL in counting and I feel like it says a lot. Tldr: The orb is a manipulator who uses Archie as a vehicle to get what it wants for selfish gain.

Now...to talk about the actual topic of Villainy other than the orb.

Thord, how selfishness led to his death.

So... why is this important compared to someone as serious as the orb? Simple, he IS the true antagonist in the story. Until Archie took over the position of that role. He possibly intentionally backed Archie into getting kicked out of the tribe because he was selfish. He lies about Archie, with only a few truths to be selfish and keep himself there. He is selfish by blaming Archie of being the issue and then manipulates the situation by pretending he is hurt. After that he plots with Walda to bring Archie down because he is a selfish person. He steals from the Firey Forge because he does it out of benefit... The most interesting scene shows he is still selfish, begging for mercy, or a deal. He knows he fucked up and maybe will try to still hurt him, but he pleads. There is something interesting, a few chapters before the orb tells Archie to kill Thord, and he refuses to do so, instead making the raid early in the morning in spite. When he is robbing the Fiery Forge and Archie knows this... but Arc, who makes the suggestion to kill? The Orb, Archie is aware of Thords threat and has SUCH a good chance to make him pay for getting him kicked out. Kick him out for stealing and let him venture alone like HE did. To make him pay, He even suggests the idea of waiting to surprise Thord. He was not in the mood to wait. That is interesting, it was an interesting decision. Usually, Archie is rather patient, yet...listen to how the orb says this. " You need to defeat him. Now." Now I do think Archie had agency in his choice, he did. But... when he suggests the idea of waiting, that would be smart because then he could catch Thord and Walda and punish them both. But just to kill Thord? That is what interests me, I do have a feeling the orb had a lot more choice in what Archie does, but I also don't want to undermine that it was ARCHIE'S choice to choose how he could make Thord go. was this to scare him in his last moments to leave him vulnerable like he was to the monsters before? As they always do, Archie and Thord bicker, and both of them are upset. Archie WISHES to return the beating Thord had given him, but he makes the decision not to out of what Thord has, magic. After that, that is when Thord begs, and he is LITERALLY begging. I mean hey, at least Archie gets to chew Walda out with him knowing their plan and watch her fear him! It really isn't funny, it shows how the orb influences how he acts, and that is a burden us readers have to watch unfold.

Karl's Selfishness and how it leads to flee

The most interesting character is Karl, who is more selfish in his self-interest than arguably most characters in this book. He wants to conquer the land and have people kneel for him, yet despite how he acts, he isn't chosen by the orb. Probably because as much as Karl is dumb, I think he wouldn't trust this so easily. He also is just the worst person ever, he is selfish in his actions, what he thinks and... for his life. He spares Archie only for his own gain, that's right his selfless action becomes selfish because getting his name out there to scare the illagers matters more than a life. This doesn't come out the way he wants it to because they don't understand what he says. This is why he flees during the trailer, this out of fear but also selfishness. A hero would risk his/her life to save the world, and a village, yet he doesn't even do that in the first place! He just abandons it and no joke, basically never comes back. His confidence must have cracked.

The Orb and How it is defeated due to selfishness. - The Game

As explained, the Orb is broken into pieces due to its selfish nature. due to the end of the book, Archie goes onto this route because there was no going back. It was in the orbs interest to back Archie so far back that he feels like he could do nothing but go along. I think the orb is Selfish for using a vulnerable man who wanted to live as a vessel for what chaos it wanted. The Orb is selfish because it knows it will destroy relationships in the process. This character is the embodiment of how Power corrupts, and unfortunately allows Archie for some confidence building he needed...yet it was for hurt. It knows so much knowledge, you think it would spare Archie of having to do the work. Of course not! it doesn't have feelings, or emotions to its name. It is an artifact for god's sake, and it only WANTS to hurt. The book gives the characterization for the orb that was needed.

Then when it fails, it decides to push to the edge and becoming a monster, one that towers the heroes and shows what power it has over Archie. He had no consent to this, just the way he screams as he is pulled is such a risen red flag of how SELFISH the orb is to risk the life of its vessel. The orb was the monster the story needed...and that is what it got. Not Karl, not the illagers, not Salah and some of the villagers, not the undead, not the nameless one, not even Archie who was tricked. It was the orb of dominance, the truest and most selfish and monstrous character.

Conclusion

Woo we are done! expect for a basic TLDR for this entire post. All the characters in Minecraft dungeons have suffered due to some of the characters selfish nature. Those who suffered the most were the ones committing the selfish actions. Some characters even die or have something bad happen because of this. In my Opinion I think after the Village arc, all the selfish actions of Archie were due to himself and the orb as well. Admittingly with a lot of influence from the orb of dominance. And you know what? The game BARELY shows this narrative, no hints to this story and we are left to understand just little pieces of everything...which was the trailer. The game is about the sad outcome of when someone is made a vehicle for destruction. This game was never for the full story and that is sad. They could have made a more interesting game if they JUST gave the story a chance to thrive and show us these things. an Illager protag for the first half would have been SO interesting. Now it is a cash grab, with DLCs. It did what they wanted, and they mostly abandoned this game, only adding modes...and for what? It adds nothing to the beauty that this story is. It makes me despise the game and would prefer to keep this book which was the reason I stayed in the game. It would have been fun to have a game from Mojang that just isn't EMPTY. It is empty because the game was from a sandbox, and this doesn't to seem to be their field of expertise and it made the only interesting because of the small amount of story it has. Take it from, if you're planning to play the game and buy it, don't. Just grab the book and watch the Game on YouTube. Support Matt Forbecks book, and if you can't, that is fine, I might plan to go ahead and perhaps read this book and make a series out of it. Thank you for reading/listening to this whole pose.

{I will repost this blog once it has been posted on my YouTube Channel}

[mdhwrites]

I don't know if you've watched Gravity Falls or been deep in the fandom but I just realized how similar Luz and Mabel kinda are. They're both young quirky girls whose selfish actions helped the main villain achieve their goal (supposedly, in Luz's case) and learn the lesson of facing reality instead of being stuck in a fantasy world where they get everything they want (although Luz doesn't really learn this even though it was kinda set-up for her in s1) (they also have a girl rival with shit parents that the fandom ships them with but anyway-)

I'm not saying this to shit on Luz though, I like Luz. But it mind boggles me how Mabel gets shitted on way more than her does despite being younger, actually learning her lesson, and apologizing for it. It might because they're different shows but I know a lot of TOH fans were/are GF fans because of the creators' relationship so the fandoms aren't that different from one another. It MIGHT be because Mabel trusted Blendin so easily despite the situation being shady as hell (while Luz just thought Philip was a normal human in the demon realm) but to be fair, Mabel was cornered in a moment of vulnerability and she literally didn't even know what she was giving him. Abandoning her friends and family for her own fantasy land while an apocalypse going on was really horrible, I won't deny that, but Luz also pretty much did the same when she chose the demon realm (place she doesn't know anything about with STRANGERS) over her own world in the first episode. Sure there wasn't anything horrific going on in the human realm so her ignorance of it wasn't as bad as Mabel's– BUT THEN in TTT she thinks of leaving everyone behind by staying in the human realm while the Collector was doing who knows what???

I don't know, this might be kinda petty, I haven't rewatched GF in ages, but I just think it's unfair Mabel gets more hate than Luz. I feel she's had more character progression compared to the latter and at least she always got called out when she did something wrong and learned from it.

So take all of this with a grain of salt because while I've heard a little of this discourse, I haven't watched a lot of Gravity Falls (recently tried again and found myself not loving the first episode if I'm honest) and have never been a part of its fandom. However, this is a chance to talk about why Luz is so liked and 'relatable' to so many because it is not hard to figure out why people like Luz. Why? Well... A lot of it comes down to framing and how the two shows see the two girls.

Gravity Falls sees Mabel as a tweenage girl.

The Owl House sees Luz as the embodiment of what a teenage nerd wishes they were/could be.

Those are VERY different goals and framing.

One, Mabel, is going to be INCREDIBLY fallible. Neither her or Dipper are anywhere close to perfect people because... Well, they're teenagers. They get way too into certain things. They're awkward when it comes to those obsessions. They're awkward about how to deal with change, consequences, etc. like that because that's just the age they are. They're figuring out the world and are going to run face first into it and that will be awkward, clumsy and often destructive without any sort of excuse besides they didn't think the consequences through. That's kids for you.

The other is... More idealistic. Luz doesn't face real consequences for testing her boundaries and is always bailed out. When she fucks up, she always does it with the best intentions and/or no one actually gets hurt. People coddle her and always make concessions to her desires with minimal push back and always end up on her side unless they're just a REALLY big meanie head. She always makes peoples' lives better, she never gets real criticism or ridicule for her interests and is always accepted by the right people for those interests. Always given more and more for being her quirky self!

A lot of this for Luz is because she's an audience surrogate and TOH wants the audience to feel good about themselves. It knows that a lot of nerds will be the ones watching it and leans in. This is actually contrasted by the fact that, well, Mabel isn't the audience surrogate or the absolute primary character of Gravity Falls. Her role is more complicated versus Dipper who IS the nerdy one who's closer to being the audience surrogate.

Just to really drive this home: People on my Discord have talked about this and one of the biggest 'crimes' as seen by a lot of the fandom is that Mabel causes Dipper to lose out on his dream of researching with Ford and staying in Gravity Falls. I could even see some arguments of things like "He's planning a future!" or "He's making the world better!"

But... Let's shift the framing for a moment from "Mabel caused Dipper to give up on his dream" to "Mabel made sure Dipper chose reality over fantasy." After all, his desire was to throw away his friends, his family, EVERYTHING to just continue hanging out with this one old dude and studying the weird phenomenon of the world, an inherently isolating job. He gets to go on this big adventure and follow his intellectual drive... At the cost of reality and everything he has known.

So why don't people get upset at Dipper for trying to do this? Well, there's a lot of potential reasons that I can't really narrow down without watching the show. It may have just been framed as a positive while Mabel's is framed as negative. It could be that while Mabel's is just a generic, girly fantasy that not much of the core audience actually wants, Dipper's is the cool, smart fantasy that is totally not just a fantasy, but a CAREER. Or it could go back to the root problem: Because Dipper is closer to the audience surrogate, closer to the main character, there is a bias to inherently see his actions as good. We could literally watch two characters do the same thing and we will root for the main character simply because that is who we are trained to root for.

A great example of this from TOH is how Luz is allowed to get mad at people for lying to her but not the other way around. She literally attacks Eda and gets the two captured in Titan, Where Art Thou? because Eda lied to her and she is supposed to feel justified in this anger to make the tragedy angle work. Meanwhile, there is ONE time when anyone gets mad at Luz for lying and honestly, the framing and reactions cause it to end up feeling much more like it was just for a prettier scene change during Reaching Out. After all, Amity still wants to fix Luz's pain before Luz even apologizes for breaking her word by lying. So why doesn't anyone call out the hypocrisy here? Why is NO ONE allowed to get upset with Luz about this?

Because she's the main character. Because we are trained to root for her and, well, Luz also is the one we are told to want to be. She is the every nerd. She is meant to connect to a very wide net of outcasts who feel like they don't belong and wish things were different. Wishes people weren't mean to them or didn't get mad at them when they made mistakes. That just let them be the hero of their own story.

So of course, they don't want Luz to be yelled at, even when that is the actually human and reasonable thing for someone to do. They don't want to question what she does so when the show gives them an excuse, or they have to go to reality if the show itself doesn't give an excuse (This is why people emphasize Luz's age and nuerodivergence to excuse her while bluntly ignoring Mabel's age when it comes to her actions), so that they don't have to recognize that Luz does some REALLY shitty things, especially in the back half of the show. It is simply more convenient for the narrative they want out of the show for Luz to be this way.

And that is okay from a casual standpoint. A lot of fiction is escapist. There's nothing wrong with wanting to jump into a world where you're never actually wrong and never in trouble. Where your angst is always met with hugs and understanding rather than actual human emotion. That's how media works. Most mass appeal products are escapist. It's part of why the Isekai genre is SO prevalent right now because it is one of the purest forms of escapist fiction out there, especially due to modern isekai tropes.

But if you're going to talk critically about something, escapism is very rarely a good jumping off point for it. It will make you ignore a LOT about the work because it's uncomfortable for you to ask questions about it. I'm not talking about "Why does this world have magic" sort of things mind you. I'm talking about, say, "Why does this character get so many power ups, so easily, and with little effort in earning them?" When you want escapism, the pacing won't bother you. If you're actually looking at themes and payoffs, it will bother you a LOT. And yes, this does tie into TOH because if you want to be Luz, getting the glyphs feels great! If you actually interrogate the story, you go "Wait, they hadn't actually done like... ANYTHING with her not having magic in a magical world and she already gets a spell? And two of these spells she does literally nothing for. Arguably three since she is put into timeout as a punishment and gets the glyph I guess for being a bad person." That TOTALLY is good storytelling and makes sense with positive themes and proper explorations of its own ideas.

*sigh*

It's a rough push and pull and it can make it so people, even if they like the show, who disagree with the popular opinion, the one that usually lifts up the audience flattering elements the most, are just in a rough position where they hear the same opinions over and over again. All while knowing that if they speak up, they'll be stomped on.

Just like Mabel was while Dipper was raised into the spotlight. At least by the fandom.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[katyspersonal]

Do you think Shabriri ever loved someone the way Midra did and who kept him grounded but that person was killed or taken or betrayed him? Thus leading to the feeling of “nothing is holding back my madness” in his mind? I feel like he manipulates us with Melina for a deeper reason than just…. “uwu burn the world down for your love.”

(Also I had these Gen reaction images saved in my camera roll and I am dumping them here for you. Suffer).

(Bottom one is when the “middle men” make up their minds about which side of fandom conflicts they are on).

Crow I- No but when will it stop XD Alright then, since you're going to be like this, allow me to give you a counter-point that Shabriri's point is a bit different in a way you deserve!

"You are about to sacrifice something precious. The life of a fair maiden, that you would toss into the fiery forge. Only so that you may be Lord. What a horrible thing to ponder. Your ascendency requires her sacrifice, whether she wishes it or not. But how would the Lord, crowned so, be looked upon?"

He explicitly states that throwing someone into a fire to become a Lord is wrong from the moral standpoint, making us feel as though the choice is somehow ours and not Melina's, and not because of "love" fdjhfdsh So, I could even say that........

BAHAHAHAHA BACK AT YOU CHICKEN

*clears throat* ANYWAYS,

(sorry for old doodle post it is just relevant) Whereas it doesn't boil down to it entirely and my version of Shabriri have always been a fire!Micolash a bit messed up on the head, he did have a friend that he lost! He is Tree Sentinel-ish, but rather than protecting the Erdtree at home, he was a traveller type (like in the homeworld of Onyx and Alabaster Lords, since Lords can travel to the Land Between in turn)! This is why his armour reflects trees that are green even in cold and winter, to reflect being far away from the "sunlight".

I'd say it was his only friend; not because everyone was mean to Shabriri for no reason but the other way around, but because Shabriri himself was pretty unsettling. Lacking empathy in a bad way, where he allowed it to lead him to be manipulative and cruel person, being a bit cold, not communicating with people beyond selfish wishes like their "use" or his own entertainment, all that! He has been careful enough to not be known as a liar; after all, he needed to feel trustworthy for people to believe his slander of the Nomads! But his kind of person demands either a very patient and compassionate person with a lot of energy.... or a happy blunt dumbass that can't be bothered like this guy fdshds

In its clear form, Lord of Frenzied Flame must "take every sin, every affliction" etc. "Destroy all that divides and distinguishes" is not a 'natural' sentiment about Frenzied Flame but invention of Shabriri regarding this """religion""", that targets the Erdtree first of all things! Together with how he made his brand of Frenzied Flame sickness befall on everyone in the Lands Between!

Whereas already having been the guy who would understand an Eldrich Horror better than a fellow human, I do think that such a "focus" likely had a backstory! He was not focused on personal revenge and pain as much as he thought about it transcendentally, understanding the cause!

That character, his ex friend, actually first appeared in my dreams, and there he has been punished and imprisoned for some sort of transgression despite having been a pleasant person! So I decided to simply use what my brain already made FOR me in a sleep and say this friend was punished for "heresy", that was not the case but you know Erdtree and stuff.. That was the only true friend Shabriri had though, but he was quick to think of all the factors that led to it, how many other people it effected, what was fundamentally wrong with human society as a whole. His already existing detachment simply made him react differently; not with his heart but with his mind. That made sure he found true understanding with what the Tree Fingers wanted, as opposed to other people that saught them more in terms of "making deal with the Devil"!

So answer to your question is a yes and no at the same time x) Losing that friend to corrupt laws/religion was quite a push down, but... Some situations ONLY work on certain people, and he was such person. I love the IRONY of his story where the people in power blamed and accursed Shabriri for the slander of the Nomads, however... was it HE who set the system that punished every "heretic" in motion to BEGIN with? :') It is not like they HAD to bury a whole nation underground instead of negotiating and getting to the bottom of the claims.

And I swear it has to be canon that these were his last words to the people who punished and banished him hahah. It feels much in character despite us not knowing enough about him :pensive:

Awareness of the fundamental unfairness of the system is something he is successfully transmitting on the people who get effected by the sickness he unleashed. Their scourched eyes are named Shabriri's Grapes, after all!

[mail-posting]

god okay so

the first half of this, specifically “better to not have enough” relates to when he’s first interacting with people. he recoils, he pulls away, he even pushes others away because surely even being exposed to him for long enough would trigger his curse

speaking of, the next two lines are actually about that! because obviously, he is cursed, but even in the (impossible) chance he isn’t, you shouldn’t approach him. he’s still a sinner, a horrible person, meant to do nothing except worship and repent. “i beg you, praying with all my soul” could be him begging that his curse doesn’t affect anyone, but a more fitting explanation would be him hoping that luca (and later on, emil and the others) doesn’t keep interacting with him because they’ll be tainted.

“lying tears of rain” in this case could correlate to a saying that goes around in families, something like “the skies/heavens are crying for you when it rains” (this could be something only my family did but, maybe not) however, the lie in this comes from the fact the heavens would never weep for such a tainted creature.

i also think the flower blooming represents the memory of his mother. his heart is a “withered sea” from the loss, but he refuses to forget the only person (or, more notably as the dynamics progress, human) who’s ever treated him kindly—hence the reason there is only a single flower.

this is after a bad meltdown. he doesn’t think he’s done enough to make up for his sins, and yet he easily follows the guidance of the angels—they could be deceiving him for a test, but he wants to believe that maybe, maybe he’s done enough to accept the lies— (hence the reason why he doesnt think of looking back- if he reflects on whether he did repent enough, he’d realize he most likely didn’t. he wants to be selfish for a bit, despite how undeserving he is.)—at least, temporarily.

this is a bit patchy for me, but i think it relates to him trying to take luca and emil’s sins for his own. he wants to believe he can do it, he just has to atone for all three of them. what he doesn’t want is to even think that it wouldn’t work (hence “it’s better not to know”), because he can’t let his angels be tainted and dirtied by sin.

wanting to “dream of a delusional love” is about how subconsciously, he wants love. he wants affection. he craves it. however, he can never get it—never deserve it—unless he’s driven himself into the ground. he wishes he could be worthy of being loved without destroying himself, but that’s just a delusional thought- he’ll never reach that level of redemption no matter how hard he tries.

andrew constantly is trying to please his angels, desperately trying to keep them around- though if they get sick of him, there’s nothing he can do. trying to win them back is pointless; he’s lost all hope at any redemption, and trying to trick the angels into thinking he’s worthy of another try will only worsen the consequences of God’s wrath—whenever it will happen. if that happens, there’s no point in trying to explain himself (“dont make excuses”) because the angels will be able to tell his true, selfish intentions, and he has no right to get emotional (“dont be so sentimental”) because he should’ve expected this. it’s only what he had coming, what he deserved, or else it wouldn’t have happened.

this is also a more difficult bit for me to interpret, but i think this could relate to the orpheus incident. he tries to ignore what people are saying because they think he can’t hear them— so why not pretend he doesn’t know? as long as nobody directly confronts him, he has no reason to get involved—its not his place. regardless of how much it hurts for him to listen to.

there’s a right and wrong to everything. if being correct is easy, then so must being wrong. some people hold different opinions- some say it’s easier to do the right thing than the wrong, or vice versa, or its situational. to andrew, there’s a correct answer- no matter how difficult it is, if you don’t do the objectively correct thing, you’re in the wrong. andrew himself is unsure of the correct thing in most situations, but he has to be picking the wrong one, or else he wouldn’t be punished by the heavens this often, right?

the lies andrew tells arent important. insignificant things, like how he’s fine, like how he doesn’t remember where this bruise came from, or that cut. all that matters is that emil and luca are okay, that they’re content, and if they think he’s fine, then they stay content and happy- there’s no reason to hate him if they’re content.

him being fine with the “back-to-back love” is him accepting the affection from both of them (from the time being.) he wants to feel cared for, comfortable, loved, accepted, warm. he needs it as soon as he feels worthy, because there’s only a limited period of affection he’s earned, and selfish as it is, he wants to be able to get as much of it as he can.

Shakes you shakes you shakes you

[local-fanfic-addict]

The Bad Ending

<Previous | Part Two.1 | Next>

(Destiny Forsaken angst. Can be read as a self-insert, but was written with an OC. Not an X reader.)

Inspiration: Guns for hire - Woodkid

Trigger warning - Suicidal thoughts, feelings of betrayal, unhealthy coping mechanisms, general angst.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Vanguard meeting had left Vlairyn-3 feeling… Empty and cold. Her Exo mind was still trying to fully process what had happened, all the new information she had learned from her last trip into Savathuns throne world. The Traveler had left The Fallen, The Eleksni, behind. Why wouldn’t it leave humanity? It had tried once before and failed thanks to Rasputin… But now it had another chance to run and hide. She had been right all along in her theory, and she absolutely hated it. She didn’t want to be right. If there was ever a time she wanted to be wrong, it was most certainly now. Was it even possible for an Exo to not fully process something? Her breath was staggered, she sounded almost out of breath. She knew that wasn't technically possible but there she was anyway. 

Numb.

With trembling hands, she removed her helmet, casting it aside with reckless abandon. Her eyes were glued to the ground as she took one aimless step after the other, her feet carrying her to an unknown destination as her circuits flooded with uncertainty. 

She started to run, run as fast as her legs would take her, run as fast as she had ever ran. Like running away would help at this point… There was nowhere to run to!

If Vlairyn had been human, the sudden collision with the railing of the wall would have knocked the wind out of her, but all she did was bend it a little, her hands clutching onto the cold metal with a vice-like grip, like if she let go she would fall apart. Her eyes slowly looked out over the city behind the wall, like looking out over the vast expanse would bring her a sense of calm to know it was all still there. The glowing lights shining like stars fallen to earth under the shadow of her once infallible creator. It couldn’t have been all for nothing… right? It couldn’t have been. The Traveler was like a god to her, she had followed its will since before the tower had even existed, she didn’t know anything else but now… Now she didn’t know at all. The Last City had been created with the help of the Traveler, surely it didn’t want to leave what it had created to the darkness? To leave the guardians helpless against the Witness? It couldn’t be that selfish… 

With trembling breath, the Exo lifted her head to look at the Traveler and her resolve immediately shattered, all the talking she had done to try and keep her faith strong was gone. She had nothing, and she felt nothing. Nothing but a horrible emptiness. A void where the warmth of faith should have resided. The cold clutch of darkness had curled its fingers around her heart. 

She leaned over the railing, her body shaking uncontrollably as she unleashed a long, anguished cry into the city below her feet. Her voice seemed amplified with its metallic filter as she spilled her soul and purpose out to be lost alongside her faith till only a shell of a guardian remained. She continued to scream in anger and hopelessness and to lament all the things she wished had happened until no sound came out at all and she was left clinging to the metal of the railing, shaking with strained sobs though no tears fell from her eyes. 

“Why us… Why me… Why Cayde, why Sundance, why Osiris, why the Hive?! Why did I have to be right, why are you so cruel, why did you lie, why did you pick us, why do you want to leave us, why why why why…”

The inner voice of her mind rose up to the endless sky and crowded out any rational thoughts, leaving only a buzzing in the ears as her own screams echoed faintly behind them. 

Vlairyn slumped from the railing onto her knees, stumbling back until her hands grasped for purchase at the gold embellished memorial plaque of the fallen hunter vanguard, her metal fingers feeling the raised image of Ace as if it would materialize in her hands and bring Cayde along with it, like everything would be better if only he were there to talk to her.

She sat in anguished silence for what seemed like several lifetimes before her face hardened as her jaw set with finality, feeling the cold prickles of ice being called to her fingertips. Her gaze reached up to the white orb as it seemed to be getting further and further away. 

“I’ll no longer be a pawn to any deity or paracausal being! Not you! Not The Darkness!” She yelled, hearing coolant rushing around her ears, roaring and echoing the same rage she had cried with. How she wished to be anything but a guardian of the light in that moment. 

Dead.

Death would be better, she thought, looking down towards the bottom of the wall so many hundreds of feet below her with the city resting at its base, so many people probably unaware of what had taken place in Zavala's office only minutes earlier… 

Too bad she was immortal. 

She wouldn’t kill her ghost, the one being she thought might understand her now.

“You’ll pay when these walls come tumbling down. And mark my words, they will.” Her voice was cold as she stood against The Traveler, feeling the cold grip of The Darkness finally setting in around her, all traces of warmth- of light- gone. 

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: derealization/dissociation, suicide

mostly venting, but also looking for advice

the past few months have been really hard for me. i realized my favorite person was abusive and toxic and lost him and all but one of our friends, then got very suddenly got into a relationship with my remaining friend. while i was in that relationship for two months, my mental health kind of crashed really horribly and i had a lot of episodes of derealization and suicidal thoughts. i guess that was too much for my partner to handle though, because we broke up and she called me toxic for only reaching out to her when i was in crisis. which, idk what to think about that really, because i kinda get where she was coming from but she was also the only person i had.

and now i have no one but my brother, but its different with him because we dont really get vulnerable around each other and im older than him so i feel like i cant break down around him.

ive felt so incredibly lonely. i have no friends and im haunted by the feeling that its all my fault. that i ruined it and lost all my friends because im selfish. i feel so guilty.

along with that, ive been not really feeling like myself and hating who i am. i want to be a different person. i want to start over. i want to start over so badly and not even to just fix what i fucked up i just want to have a completely different life.

and i know its really bad and fucked up but i wish there was more wrong with me. i wish something bad would happen to me. i want a reason to give up and scream and sob. sometimes i even wish my dissociation was worse so at least i could escape or live in my own head or wherever the fuck just so i dont have to live my stupid life.

and i know its even worse but i think most of all i want something wrong with me so people will help me and give me the attention i want. and i know im selfish but i just want someone to be able to take care of me. i dont want to work anymore im already so tired. i just want to do nothing all day i want to lay down i want to sleep.

Hi anon,

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult time you've been going through. It sounds like you've experienced multiple losses and have been struggling with your mental health, feelings of loneliness, and a desire for a fresh start.

It's understandable that you feel lonely after losing your favorite person and friends. It's important to remember that relationships can be complicated, and sometimes people may not have the capacity to support us in the way we need. It's not necessarily your fault that these relationships didn't work out, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Loneliness can be incredibly challenging, but there are steps you can take to help build new connections and find support.

When it comes to wanting to be a different person or have a different life, it's natural to feel that way during difficult times. However, it's important to remember that personal growth and change can happen without completely starting over. Exploring new interests, setting small achievable goals, and focusing on self-care can all contribute to a sense of renewal and positive change.

It's also important to address the thoughts you mentioned about wishing something bad would happen to you or wanting attention from others. These thoughts can be a sign that you're in need of some additional support and care. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you explore your emotions, process your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies.

Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. While it may feel tough right now, with time, support, and self-care, it's possible to find healing, create meaningful connections, and discover new possibilities in life. Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[imaginaryhuman]

Forgiveness. We can't seem to quite be done.

And I always wonder why.

I know it's been beyond me all this time. I notoriously fail at making amends or anything of the sort. Like a spoiled kid, I've just put everything I don't like in some box and away from sight. Only to be unearthed when it knocks against all corners to tell me "Don't go there. Don't go there. Don't go there."

Where?

You can't tell me, can ya?

Just don't go there-- where the bridges burn or where you stand across yourself and your loneliness?

... but I can't.

Maybe it's because I can't forgive anyone for myself. Huh. Maybe that's the problem-- I've never forgiven anyone for myself. On that same note, I may be incapable of forgiving myself of anything. I'm not sad about it. It's probably a more painful point that I can withstand allowing something to fester this way. What a horrible person. Sure am, aren't I? Not in the way that potentially gets me the "beloved asshole" type of title but the kind of sinister that subconsciously makes babies cry or animals hiss. The type that would make anyone with decent instincts stay a few steps back or something not too close.

Reasonably so. Because if a situation needs selfishness, I'd take it. If a situation needs selflessness, I'd use it. Goodwill is a tool and it doesn't always have anything to do with a person being good or bad. Or I could be wrong. A kinder person may assimilate life lessons differently. But I had not been a kind child. My siblings can attest to that. I'm not sure I've learned to be a kind adult either. In the whole kindness and rightness argument, even if it doesn't make sense since they're not even opposites, I'd gag on the dick of righteousness as long as I stay safe, unhurt. The painless route. "Who wants to grow if it'll just feel like shit anyway?" says the proverbial bitterness of being just an inch above 5 ft. I can drown in a fucking kiddie pool. Says the wistfulness of my existence. Says the shallowness of my own goddamned heart.

"Forgive me for I have sinned"

Even if your emotional response to sin is really none of my business, sure, I will forgive you. Is that how it goes?

"Let it go for your peace of mind"

Ya darned well wish, don't ya? Can I get a hell to the no? Truly, if I want peace of mind I'd rage and hate you until the day (or night) I die. Isn't that just fantastic? Quite romantic too, no? In my world, the most pathetic cliche to exist is that in hatred exists a great love. Maybe that's what it is. Or maybe not. And here where for most people, I'd feel nothing but muted feelings (I can't... only for very few)-- I will be in awe of the flowers blooming on your future grave. I will slumber through the nightmares that wear your face. Not an ounce in my lifetime's reservoir of regret will be spent on any singular thought of you.

"What's there to forgive?" Everything. Nothing. Wait. Stay still, monumental and magnanimous in your patience. Just be still and wait... and wait... and wait. Exist nowhere near me but close to my heart. A horrible home for someone like you with its questionable chambers and a rhythm that you can never dance to. Wait. Stay still, monumental and magnanimous in your patience for me who will probably never forgive you. So wait and I'll be an old dog with no more tricks to learn.

It's neither right nor kind but who's to say it's wrong wrong wrong?

Sound the sirens and flash the lights. Lock it up-- arms to back and spiral down then up the steps to the gallows. Listen to the chants. Sway softly to the applause.

[prince-tulip]

Im so sorry for what I've done...im trying to be a better person, its just hard when all I want to do is fix everything ive ever broken. Trying to grow and understand these horrible illnesses, impairments or injuries, whatever life may throw at me. Its a journey im trying to bring to an end..i want a beautiful life..

The bitterness is something i still struggle with, maybe it plays into my life, more than i wanna admit, the guilt and shame i feel in those situations alone makes me want to die. The unrelenting feeling of emptiness topped with a conflicting sense of invalidation. God, it is so ugly to feel..disgusting completely. I am disgusted with myself. I have a need for filling roles for people that i feel obligated to fill, its about that shame. Its about not knowing how to let go what needs to be let go because you dont understand what letting go is. Its about not giving into nostalgia. Not seeking validation in something that can no longer give you that, not falling in to bad habits or abusing drugs, abusing alchohol, abusing, sex, porn, anger, depression, hate, impulsiveness, just things that hurt you..im trying to be clean..im trying to break free..theres a big picture im trying to paint, im focused on me and trying to just be good to others.

I can be alone, i can be who i need to be right now to find who i will be later. Im strong and steadfast. I love you, all of you, anyone who ever was there or will be. Past, present and future. Im coming to terms, one day.

The pain was real, its real. The realization of my wrongs are real, the achingly painful emptiness is real. I need to feel it and face it. Face the realization. The realization that i mirror othed people. That i don't give people boundaries or myself.

The realization of it all...how was i so detached, so careless...i can blame it on all i can but it doesn't mean i didn't do anything..doesn't take away from the false reality i was living in, that i didn't understand that it literally tore me apart, changed me to hurt loved ones, its as if i wanted to get to a point to where i was so crazy and so fucked up. Split personality, split reality, split fucking brain, filled with contradictions and fears, making any kind of decision is aweful, it makes me change as a person, like i will die or the worst possible event will happen, it is unrelenting. Theres so many ways that i didnt know how to function without living in destruction. Was it my bpd? Was it my autism? Was it my anxiety? Was it the cognitive distortion? Or was it whatever defense mechanisms i made up in my head?...why wasn't i a better person to people i truly love? Or am i just not a capable of living normally with normal relationships?

Im in deep pain and i can only try to be a better person from here..thats all i can do, there's not much time left. I could die tomorrow. Which i act scared in that regard but i also have always had a weird feeling of relief in the thought of dying instantly, anywhere or anyway, whatever time or place.

Selfish, i know. Its too easy right? If i always thought about how i deserve nothing but punishment then why would i wish to die? For that would just bring peace.

My brain almost undoubtedly would go "oh thank goodness now i don't have to make that phone call now" and laugh with a hint of irony. Nervous in way of course as well. For why shouldn't i be? For if there was a heaven or hell, I do not in the slightest know where i would go. Probably somewhere in between if i had to guess.

[bpdonni]

im falling apart and i dont know if i can fix it.

ive never felt worse in my life. ive been in the psych ward twice, but those times don't hold a candle to now.

i cant afford to live. i cant afford to die. my family can see that im struggling-the very ugly and worst parts of myself are on full blast. im hurting everyone, especially cedric. he's just trying to keep everything afloat, but im too busy in my own head to do what i need to in order to make up for it. most people who interact with me hate me. i always wondered why, but as i lay around in this ball ive been in all day, im realizing that everything i was put through was too much. it made me into a monster. im always mooching off my mom and brother but they hardly ever even message me anymore. my own fucking father hates me. my best friend in the world got tired of my shit. ive become tired of trying, so i only really try at the one thing that keeps me useful at all. the only thing that is keeping me alive, but killing me even more: work. i like my job! but its lonely because of the night shift, and that im too awkward to try to make any friends there.

my coping mechanisms are further dragging me down. ordering food when we can't afford it at all. hypersexuality. self-isolation. it's making me a selfish, horrible person. but was i ever not a shitty person? i don't think so. all i have to offer anymore is the money i make that very barely keeps us afloat. and i keep going to the train station, but i just... can't end it. i want to. but i can't bring myself to do it. whether it's because of the stop being crowded, or chickening out, or realizing me dying won't actually lessen the load on my family... i know this last point to be true in theory, but what good am i doing here? i dont have the energy to be the parent i need to be. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A PARENT I LOVE THEM I SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS BUT WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME WHY THE DUCK AN I THE ONE PICKING UP THE PIECES IM BIPOLAR AND BPD IM DOOMED BY THE MOTHERFUCKING NARRATIVE WHY ME WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IM DESTINED TO KILL MYSELF IM NOT GONNA LIVE PAST 30 SO WHY AM I THE FUCKING ONE WHO HAS TO DO THIS WHY COULDN'T THEY STAY OFF METH WHY DO THEY REFUSE TO LOVE ME- ah i can't blame them on that last part i hate me too. that's in large part their fault. and the part of my life that i cling to, the one thing i know for certain: my queerness. i love it but why couldn't it be something that you know people liked? so many people voted for donald fucking trump so they could see people like me kill themselves for their comfort? why do i need to be the bigger person and deal with it? i can barely think of anything else besides death, WHY? my baby polar bear. it occurred to me that i think she was actually only 10 or 11. what did i do wrong? i know the answer to that. couldn't afford to take her to the vet when i KNEW something was wrong? now instead of paying back the vet, im drowning in the costs to cremate her. god, i cant get her face out of my mind. i tried to close her eyes, her mouth, but rigor mortis had set in too much. i could smell the death on her not quite breath. i took the responsibility of making sure the kids and my partners didn't have to see that. i wish she hadn't been alone. i wish that i had checked her cage as soon as i came home. god, the smell of death is one that you never forget. i can still smell it now. from when i saw the decapitated corpse and her sloughing skin, to boo boo... this is the most raw look of death ive ever seen, two instances in the past couple of months. it's gross, it's ugly, it's scary. so why do i want to be dead so bad? why do i want to do this to everyone i love? why can't people see that im in complete fucking ruin? it's starting to become pretty apparent now, but still. i can't really... get this out. because if i tell anyone the extent, my trips to the train station, typing my legal information in my phone when i forgot to bring my id, because i was so sure that time that i was going to do it. ive also been staring longingly out the window of the 7th floor at work, thinking about taking the elevator to the 10th floor and jumping. it'd be a nice view before i go at least. i could also take all the pills in the house (except the others prescriptions.) weve got all these huge bottles of tylenol- talked to my husband. theyre making me a grilled cheese.

[rhielizabethj]

Am I toxic by admitting that maybe I made a mistake?

Do I enjoy the toxic rollercoaster? I’m so confused and these thoughts are consuming my day to day life. I want to take it all back, I want to tell you I’ve made a horrible mistake. You’re the one I want to be with, but I’m so scared to look like a fool again. I’m so scared that it will go back to how it used to be. I’m scared nothing will change and that I’m just setting myself up for my heartbreak and trauma.

Is that what feels like to slowly start going crazy? I’m trying so hard to do all the right things. I’m going to therapy every two weeks, I’m reading again, I’ve just recently purchased a membership to the gym. I’m trying so hard to heal, to move on, let things go. Yet here I am spending my days missing you, regretting ever leaving you. I feel like I must be going crazy. I know better than to cave when there’s been no change or growth. Why is it so hard to move on?

I don’t even know how you’re feeling, we’ve become almost like strangers and it makes me really sad to think about. I don’t know where your head is at or how you feel about me. I know you are on dating apps again and I know that it’s easier to move on to something new, easy. You’d be able to have someone who hasn’t seen your worst, or bad behaviour they’d be your personal cheerleader filling the spot that use to be mine. I’d hope that in 2 months you still care, you still wish we were together. Why am I doing this to myself? I feel like a sad pathetic washed up version of the woman I use to be.

I wish in moments like these I had a normal brain. A brain that would realize that the way you treated me was wrong. That it would realize that maybe this needed to happen. But my heart is aching to be back in your arms. I catch myself abruptly crying at work, or when the kids have gone to bed. I stop myself from wanting to call you or message you. Exciting things that have happened I’ve had to force myself to not think of you. Why can’t this just be fucking easier?

Does this all mean that I did make a mistake or is this a normal feeling to feel during a break up? Do you feel like this? All these questions that I’ll probably never get the answer to.

I treated my children’s father badly, I had moments where I wasn’t the nicest. I let that relationship fall apart because I was too selfish to realize my patterns, to realize I was destroying my family and relationship. Sometimes I think maybe that’s why I allowed you to treat me badly. Maybe I thought I deserved your treatment because of how I treated Daniel. The more thought I put into this is realizing I think I thought shitty treatment was all I deserved because it was a bad girlfriend to him. I made mistakes, mistakes I wish I could take back, but I’ve made peace with it. I realize it was a hard lesson I had to learn. I realized it doesn’t matter that I was going through untreated postpartum depression, it doesn’t matter if his family hated me, it doesn’t matter if my addiction was at its worst. It doesn’t matter because it shouldn’t be hard to treat someone with love and compassion, with grace and kindness. We all have past, trauma, hurt and pain but it doesn’t allow us to treat others so terribly.

I’m trying, and I’ll keep trying day by day to heal, to get to a good place where I love myself again, and forgive myself for not putting myself first.

I think there will always be a big part of me that thinks I made a mistake. That I should have fought harder, that maybe all you needed was time. Maybe I should have vocalized my feelings rather than being scared to make you angry. I guess at this point it’s just something I’m going to have to live with, I made this bed, I guess it’s time to lie in it.

[goremet-chef]

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

[sh1tido4you]

I havent written in like a year. Not like anyone actually cared or anything but i mean nobody even reads what i write. So this is all really just a waste of time. But i wanna talk to people. I want to feel heard, sometimes i dream of getting on stage and scream the words thats been wrapped around my neck for a long long time. But at the same time, i dont wanna be pitied. I hate the faces people make when they pity u it just makes u feel even more pathetic than u actually are. I just want to get this out of my chest u know? Ive really been struggling. I struggled my way out through my childhood. I was molested by my own family, i dated men thrice my age in primary school. I was abused, physically and mentally for years and at the same time taking care of my sister. I grew up poor. I grew up with no money but we had enough to live. Every day i wake up i think of ways to escape home, i didnt even have anyone to turn to. It got so bad i started self harming. I wanted to die so bad that i prayed for it, and gosh i still do. Im not a good person. Ive done some really bad things, people find me bad and theyre right. I keep telling myself that im a person of good heart but i know my evil my demons know me. Theyre apart of me and they will always be. Im not pretty. Im not strong, im not smart. I dont have a hot body, my hair is thin. My family is broken, and im very poor. Dont get me wrong im grateful for what i have but the truth is there im just unlucky in so many aspects of life. Ive had uncountable amount of exes in the past and to be frank i still dont know why. I have an amazing boyfriend, this year it'll be our 4th anniversary. Yeah, longest relationship ive been in. Hes from a beautiful family, financially stable parents and good relationship with his siblings. He has a big no huge family and he is really lovely. I dont know what seems to be the problem but i am starting to be unhappy. I feel like he is going to abandon me some day and no matter how hard i try to convince myself otherwise, deep down i know it'll happen. And the worst part is that he should. Hes amazing and im nothing good, in a disgrace, im a girl destined to always fail. Ive failed at everything but please, i dont wanna fail at love. Love is extraordinary, its something i genuinely feel so much with great force its my strength. I am full of it but i deserve none because im a horrible person inside and out. But we all crave for something we dont deserve right? Hes been making me feel like shit lately and i know he didnt mean that but i can feel him slowly fading out of my life and im so scared of getting abandoned again especially not him. I feel my safest when im with him in fact hes the only person i can really, truly count on. So im scared like hell. Damn it denver please dont run away. Im sorry im so selfish but i cant live like this anymore. I dont want to go through my shit for my entire life alone. My parents they dont get it. They think the that the main reason to my unending problems is because i dont pray enough. They think that the only solution to all my problems is simply just pray them all away. I wish it was that simple. They dont know how i kneeled down, sobbing and praying that God will end this all away. In the toilet, at 3 am with blood dripping down my arm. Its just too hurtful that i started to pray to just die. If He doesnt want me to stop suffering then He can just end me its that easy. God why do u hate me? Why cant i feel light like the other children? Why do i always have to be strong, isnt this enough? Havent i suffered enough? What more are u trying to prove? Until when? Im just so tired. Theres so many responsibilities i have to take as i get older, the amends i have to make with people that i dont want to have in my life just for the sake of being a good person. I want to live freely and happy and loved and safe. But then again, we all crave for something we dont deserve right?

[starbornsinger]

Elriel/Gwynriel/Elucien Theory Time :)

Ok so in regards to the Az POV chapter, I have some thoughts. This is super long and detailed and also tearing down ships, so uh, beware.

⚠️ACOSF spoilers (duh)⚠️

So I was re-reading the thing and as I was reading the conversation between Az and Rhys, it kind of hit me. I used to be an Elriel shipper until ACOSF, and I was really all for it.

But I don't think they're in love.

See, earlier in the chapter, Az is thinking about how jealous he is of the other couples. We know he isn't very lucky in love, and seeing Elain and her mate and their mating bond upsets him. I think he fancies Elain because she's beautiful and sweet, but I don't think he's in love with her. I think she's another thing he can't have, and he feels frustrated and it only makes him want her more. Because he thinks, why shouldn't he have her? Why is the Mother so cruel as to deny him love? And he thinks, "well all my other brothers have Archeron mates, why don't I? It must be a mistake!"

I think what Azriel's biggest issue is though, is that he wants love so bad, he's willing to risk it all for the first girl he feels attraction too. It also feels relevant that the primary thing we see in his POV is his physical attraction to her, his sexual attraction. We don't see much of how he thinks she's so sweet or so clever or so gentle, but instead how nice her tits are and how badly he wants to kiss and fuck her. I think he doesn't particularly want Elain, and while he likes her, I think what he really wants is love. True love, just like his brothers and friends. He thinks the Mother must be wrong because they both got Archeron sisters while he didn't, and his attraction to Elain makes him wish they were Mates so he could finally have that true love that's entirely his own.

But she's not. And he can't. I think what Azriel wants most isn't Elain. He wants her sexually, and he admires her and has a crush on her, but the thing he focuses on and gives him the most emotion is that she has a Mate and he doesn't, and that everyone does but him. I think he wants someone like Elain and wants to feel happy, but I think he doesn't exactly want Elain. When he thinks of her, he doesn't seem to be truly in love as we've seen other SJM couples are. And sure, it's early, but it's also been like— 2 years. I don't think they're in love sadly, I think Azriel just wants to move on from Mor and finally find love. He has a type, and when he found someone who loosely fit into the mold of his ideal partner, he jumped at it because he's desperate to have someone love him. All his life, he's struggled with self-love and love from others, and I think that it's deeply affected his relationship with love itself.

Physical attraction and desire and interest isn't love. And the idea of her being mated already only makes him mad— that of course the first girl he likes for the first time in 500 years, of course the girl that could help him move on from Mor, is mated. I think that only makes him feel more passionate towards her; and Rhys notes how he seems to think he has a claim to her, when he doesn't. It makes Az angry, not because Rhysand thinks he's being possessive and reckless, but because it's true. He genuinely can't have her.

As for Elain, I think she's far too hesitant to be with him. She reminds me of Daisy in The Great Gatsby, and how she claims to love Jay but she won't leave Tom, or jilt him. Now this is a different situation, because Daisy was selfish and didn't want to give up her comforts and stability and fame. Elain, on the other hand, doesn't seem ready to have a serious relationship with Az. I think she is still severely affected by Graysen's rejection, and is still clearly not over him. I don't think she's ready to accept Az fully and be with him, and I also don't think she's ready to reject her mating bond with Lucien.

I don't know 100% what's going on with Elain, but what I do know is that clearly she is intrigued by Lucien in some capacity. Ok Elriel shippers, don't come for me, but there are several scenes in which Elain seems to want to talk to Lucien, or whatever the heck. But also seems disinterested, like when she dismisses his Solstice gifts and doesn't speak to him.

However, I don't think she's resentful towards him exactly, or at least that isn't the main reason she's like this. While we know he was helping Tamlin lowkey, Feyre and the IC all understood he was on their side, and was their friend. So it seems kind of odd to still bear a grudge against him, but who knows.

But funnily enough, she has yet to reject their mating bond. If she's so disinterested, or hates him so much, why hasn't she turned him down? Mother, she's barely spoken to him at all. I think the obvious reason behind her disdain or distancing from Lucien is her connection to Graysen and her human life. Of all the sisters, Elain has not yet adapted to or accepted that she is Fae— or if she has, she's sure as hell not happy about it. Even Nesta in ACOSF mentioned how she actually likes her ears now, and we know Feyre has totally accepted being Fae. But with Elain, she had the most human connected life of them all, and to have it taken away from her is shitty.

For Elain, her happiness seems to come from a love of gardening, of family, of people. She has very little human things to hold onto, and adding a Mating bond to the mix right as she's made Fae is like she's had all her humanity stripped. She doesn't hate Lucien, she hates the bond. She dislikes that it's chained her to someone and taken away her choices, which we know is a big deal for the sisters after being imprisoned, kidnapped, and Made. I think Elriel is an infatuation, because even though she doesn't love Az, he's helping her rebound from Graysen (and giving her control and power over her love life). He's a choice she (can't really) make, but a choice nonetheless. With Lucien, she feels she has no choice with him, and no control over her obvious attraction I say obvious because mates have a primal attraction of some level to each other , and is probably afraid that accepting the Mating bond will remove any last connections she has to who she used to be, and the human she feels she really is.

But she also hasn't rejected it, because I think she realizes that Lucien is a genuine and kind and hot guy, and that rejecting him would be a stupid idea. He's been very patient and very kind and accepting, and has always given her the freedom of choice when it comes to the bond. I think Lucien is the kind of guy that would be very easy to fall in love with, and I think Elain sees that and knows it.

Also, I think with ACOSF, it feels relevant that Cassian pointed out specifically how Elain looked beautiful in black at the ball, but it looked horribly wrong on her. With SJM the devil is always in the details, and I think it was a clearly accentuated bit of symbolism. Although Elain looks beautiful, the black dress wasn't for her. And although Elriel is very sweet, it won't work out. She won't thrive in the Night Court, or with Azriel. Az doesn't challenge her or meet her as an equal (like all other SJM ships), and they don't push each other to be better or to accept themselves or whatever etc etc.

And I really used to like Elriel, but I think that surprisingly, Elain will be the one who says "stop, I can't do this" to Az. I think she knows she isn't ready, and I think she knows they aren't meant to be. Even if a Mating bond was put in place between her and Lucien, I still think their relationship wouldn't work because they're both too insecure, too closed off, too non-communicative, and too stagnant together to be a healthy or good match. I think with Elain they would struggle to understand each other even if they were fond of each other and can relate on some level, but at its rawest form I think they won't truly be able to be themselves with each other.

With Elain, Azriel's shadows— a key part of him— disappear. While I initially thought, awww that's so cute, she's a light in his life, I soon realized I was wrong. Az's shadows are not just a part of him, they're an extension of him, of his will and subconscious and emotions. So Elain chasing them away, while chasing away the shadows and darkness seems cute, isn't a good thing. Most of the time with shadows, we think "ew bad!" Because they have an inherent connotation of negativity or sorrow or depression or darkness etc etc. And while this is partially true, Azriel's shadows and darkness are a part of him. His sadness and struggles are a part of him. And his shadows aren't just representative of that, they're also a representation of how he overcame his abuse and turned that fire (pun unintended) and anger and trauma into something beautiful and powerful and a weapon. I think they can serve as an armor and a shield, and while that's not good, I also don't think they should fully disappear.

More on that: with Azriel's shadows, we know they're a part of him, right? So I think an important part of self is self-regulation. Rather than be consumed entirely by shadow, or totally exposed to the light, I think he just needs his shadows to be calm and present, but not controlling or hiding. I think the whole "Elain bringing him out of the shadows" bit sounds cute at first, but then you have to think of it like this. In order to be with Elain, he would have to change. He couldn't be a spy or a shadowsinger or a torturer, and he couldn't be dark and introverted. With her, he has to push that aside. Those are key parts of him, key parts that would have a big impact on their relationship. Elain can't be with someone with so much blood on their hands or a history of violence or darkness. We know that, because we know that sort of thing upsets her and she doesn't like it.

Azriel can't just be himself with her, he has to become someone else. And while he's attracted enough to not care, after awhile, that grows exhausting. Being in love and not being your true self, all of it, is exhausting. And while some might argue "why can't he be his true self?!" well my slime, I think we both know that even if we wanted him to, Elain would be silently resigned about it. I don't think— no, I know— Elain can't be with someone like Azriel. Even if they have feelings, even if they have lust or affection, it isn't love. They aren't in love, and they won't work out no matter how much we want it to.

Onto Elain: with Elain, this all ties back to what Cassian said in Hewn City. She looks beautiful in black, but it's wholly wrong for her. The Night Court is wrong for her, and darkness is wrong for her. While some yin-yang relationship tropes can work very well, I don't think this will. She doesn't like the darkness or accept it, and she doesn't want to be a part of it. I think the Night Court is good and happy for her when she makes her own little garden world, and only then, really. It's like living in the middle of the desert and only thinking of the beach: it's not the right place for her.

I think the Spring Court needs her, and I think she needs it. Here's more on that.

So we've seen the set up and execution of the fall of the Spring Court. We know that it's in shambles and is weak and needs a new/better leader than Tampon. I feel like SJM is setting things up for a new book focused in the Spring Court, because in a lot of ways, it's becoming the centerpiece for action in Prythian (aside from the Night Court). I genuinely believe that as Tamlin's second, Lucien will take over the Spring Court as High Lord. He doesn't fit in with Autumn, didn't fit in with Night, and wasn't really a part of Spring. But with Spring, it was where he was happy, where he felt safe, and the home he chose. Chosen homes and chosen families are a big deal for SJM, and I think that Lucien will return to the Spring Court to try and help it, because Mother knows it needs it. I think Elain belongs there, not only because she needs to be in an environment suited to her, but because she needs to heal.

We've seen a theme of helping others heal in order to heal ourselves, and I think a good book idea (and what I think an Elain book would be about), is healing the Spring Court and helping it. Elain is a gardener. She wants to see things grow and blossom, wants to get her hands dirty and dig in! But she can't do that in the NC. I think she needs something new and fresh and blossoming that she can help and tend to, and I think the person that can be at her side for that is Lucien. I think with Azriel, she can't see growth and life and flowers. He's a different kind of person, far too different, and the two wouldn't mesh well. Elain isn't like Persephone and Azriel isn't like Hades; although she's flowers and he's death and they're attracted to each other, they don't fully accept those roles and cross into each other's. Elain could never be a killer or someone who wears black or thrives in a darker place, and Azriel couldn't be someone who is in the full heat of the light and wear bright colors and be cheerful and flowery. In a dream world, yes, but I think in this one, no. SJM loves to create realistic relationships and realistic relationship conflict, and I think we'll see this here. Even though they want it to work, and in theory it should, it won't. I think they know it too. Azriel's shadows vanish when she's around, and Elain struggles to feel comfortable in the darkness and Night Court, and fit in with the others in the black dress that is wholly un-Elain.

I also think that this relationship doesn't bring development to the table. The forbidden love concept is adorable and a trope I love, but this love isn't one that will push them to grow. Azriel can feel loved and happy, but can he feel fully accepted? Can he stop being ashamed of his shadows, of his violence? Of who he is? Can Elain break out of her shelf and be more assertive, and truly grow and change? Can she be herself and be happy? The answer is a sad no. Their relationship is sweet and cute, but it won't truly work. I genuinely believe Lucien is a better match for Elain, and while the Cauldron isn't always right (like Rhysand's parents), it usually is. If he isn't, then I'm all for independent Elain.

Now onto the moment you've all been waiting for: who should Az be with?

Gwyn. :)