#i want to talk to people more badly but i am like. incapable of making the first move 99% of the time

[once-vel]

cannot remember if i've said this yet but i love attention and talking to people so much if any of you want to talk to me ever. pleaseeeee do. heart emoji

[undistortedworld]

Very sick and tired!!!!! Of my body not cooperating with me!!!!! Had to take soooo many days off of my job that I've only had <2 months because my disabilities are like no I don't think ill let you today <3. I am going to get FIRED (I hate my job and am looking for a new one anyway but also its impossible to find a new one and unemployment is stressful so I would like control of my leaving ya know. And like. If I do get a job I am happy enough with surely I won't be able to keep it if im taking every other day off cuz of my disabilities :/ ) and also I am not going to earn enough money this month to cover my rent because I keep having to take days off!!!!!! The thing is even when I do go in half the time I am like "I do not feel well enough to be in today". I am tired of it!!!!! I don't remember the last time I felt WELL I genuinely don't think I've felt completely well/not in pain for a single day in 5+ years <_<

[miragedmoon]

Walks in, people are really doing the “my white man has done nothing wrong in the narrative ever because he is autistic and autistic people can do nothing wrong actually” with Dungeon meshi

Read down below for my thoughts on people pulling this shit

Before I start, maybe pick up a book from school and practice how to read a narrative and learn content analysis,

it’ll really help because I don’t know what the hell else to say to people who are bad at reading subtext and putting context into practice at this point

I see the sentiment of “Kabru is actually evil because he actively murders people-“ as if the story isn’t actually like super nuanced and complex in its’ dynamics between races

and y’all can only really see a man that has personally gone through nothing but tragedy have a proper reaction to not having that tragedy handled properly and go “because he is a brown man he is inherently violent and therefore bad for my white man because of these story beats” with the type of stupid white person reaction.

The subtext went out the window huh, he gave the viewer ample context and reason as to why it happened he was going to kill the body retriever group, WHO WAS TRYING TO SAY TO HIM THAT THEY WERE GOING TO MUG HIM. AND KILL HIM AND SPLIT THE MONEY THEY MADE FROM GAMING A SYSTEM THEYVE BEEN EXPLOITING, WHICH HE DIDN’T DO.

Dying to monsters is one thing but someone like a retriever artificially upping the amount of people who die in a dungeon while also actively disrespecting the rules that the dungeon has by doing that fits perfectly into Kabru’s moral compass and motivation. Do you think that wouldn’t bother him? Sure, he has learning to do himself in regards to monsters and all, but do people really think he’s a monster actively incapable of change, when he’s stated in text that he believes himself to be a monster due to the things that have happened to him? Do you think he doesn’t blame himself and have survivors guilt from what he went through? Or do we think because Kabru lies and he warps and he cheats only to start realizing that the Kabru we’re shown doesn’t even know where he himself starts or ends. This is not trying to justify his actions. I am explaining his thinking. Of course He’d kill the retrievers.

And I think he would kill the Canaries if he had the chance to. I think the Retrievers were an active stand in for his feelings towards the Canaries.

When you build a life speaking lies after your previous status quo crumbles, how the fuck are you supposed to differentiate your own behaviors from the lies you grow into saying to make sure you don’t get close enough to people to be hurt as badly as he was as a kid. He is a sole survivor of a tragedy, and he reacts accordingly, and you all just want to antagonize him.

Did we forget who we’re talking about in comparison here, or are you guys that focused on justifying a man who clearly was used, exploited, and literally lost his mother because some group who thought themselves to be higher than due to their longer life cycles decided to destroy his whole life because it created a slight inconvenience

god you lot are truly fucking insufferable and can’t let characters be complex without woobifying or flanderizing them to be more digestible.

Let characters be complex.

You don’t have to like them all the time, You don’t have to agree with their actions.

You don’t have to agree with a character all the time for you to like a character’s writing.

[justenjoythegossip]

PR spin, credibility of team PR/team Real and the toxicity that they purposefully manufacture, the end of the shitshow: a few random thoughts

The PR spin 

Some mods have been writing that the recent papwalk of Chris and Abba was staged (which it clearly was by the way), Jesal the trolling pap has admitted to it as well, proving something. But regarding celebrities, 99% of what comes out in the media or on SM is staged and manufactured for PR purposes. 

Meghan and Harry call the paps on them all the time and people are not questioning whether they are a legitimate couple. Robert Pattinson and Suki have called Backgrid to show that they were expecting. And guess what? They were expecting. When Jennifer Garner was recently pictured giving money to a homeless person, it was clearly staged and probably served as damaged control for her horrible interview with Regina King. 

So again the staging and the manufacturing for PR purposes do not give us any information on whether a couple is legitimate or if they are only playing for the cameras. Of course, we can strongly suspect Chris and Abba are not legitimate, there are so many clues and signs that point to it but it’s for another discussion. 

The purposely badly manufactured PR…

However, we can question the quality of the content that’s being fed to us because their papwalk didn’t sell their love or marriage at all (that aspect has been already discussed). So the question remains. Why is that? Does Chris hate her so much that he is incapable of acting a very simple scene? Or doesn’t he make much of an effort to sell it because it serves another purpose? Because, they are both actors and what is asked of them is not Sophie’s Choice. So many actors who hated each other’s guts had to play romantic leads and managed to sell it. On the show Castle, Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic famously hated one another and there are countless examples. But why can’t Chris and Abba do it? Or why won’t they? 

The general public won’t look past the big picture. So for them, Chris and Abba will look either cute or creepy (most comments seem pretty negative though). However, the people who pay close attention will be able to interpret the signs the way they want to. So by staging this bad papwalk, they are feeding both team real and team pr by keeping the discourse very much alive and riling people up in order to keep them engaged. 

It has been the tactics used by their teams since the very beginning. They have been weaponizing Chris’ fandom to instigate anger and division so that they could drive traffic and make them gain more attention. Because, they don’t register with the general public. Their names were not even used for clickbait in the Just Jared article about the Scarlett’s Christmas party (which was more likely Colin’s party given all the SNL people present but the spin that it was her party and not her husband’s is telling). Interest in him is fading and she is still a nobody. So the controversy, the inconsistencies, the mysteries and of course the end of the shitshow are all designed to keep his fandom (or what’s left of it) engaged. 

Who are Team PR and Team real…

By team Real and Team PR, I am not including mods who have an opinion on whether Chris and Abba are a legitimate couple with a PR spin (situationship or not, relationship or not, married or not) or exclusively PR but I am talking about mods who claim to know the truth one way or the other, who claim to have insider information and use vitriolic rhetoric against the other group and attack them constantly and viciously or anyone who writes anything contradictory to the narrative they are trying to sell. Those mods are, I believe, either trolls or plants paid by their teams to keep the discourse alive. 

Why both Team PR and Team real have no credibility…

Both Teams have lost all credibility at this point. 

Team Real have seen some of their mods make a complete incredible nonsensical and non-credible U-turn from debunking Chris and Abba’s stunts to selling them as a real couple and shipping them. This includes the mods who had debunked the yoga certificate, pointed out the photoshopped pics in the scare videos or Valentine’s drop and so forth.

By the way, how credible is it that those people recognized the hotel room in Finland (that had 12 rooms by the way) from one picture of Chris and Abba? How credible is it that they recognized the hotel room in Lisbon from the video Chris did for that teacher? Also how credible is it (and how hilarious) that those mods got the exclusive that Renner and Hemsworth were in Boston and told two strangers that they were there for Chris’ kinda first “wedding” when they “reportedly signed an NDA” according to very reliable People’s magazine (read sarcasm here)? 

Team Real also includes the mods that called Chris absolute horrible names like groomer and pedophile before making a complete U-turn  when they allegedly went to the NY con to get a pic with their favorite Captain America. 

But Team PR has lost all credibility as well. They have pretended to be privy to private and personal information regarding Chris to spew nonsense, viciously attack, troll and lie for more than a year now. 

One mod (that I won’t name) have recently made a post saying that people who didn’t know PR or Chris shouldn’t express their opinion on the matter. As if they had any credibility to do so themselves? Recently again they have said that the PR was about to be over because they were spending Thanksgiving apart and the Forbes articles made no mention of her. Also let’s not forget that those mods were part of a scam when they asked fans to give money for a fund to save Chris (a multimillionaire) from this PR nightmare!

But it’s very possible that those mods  don’t want people to express their opinions because they want to control the narrative, like their counterparts from Team real. 

The controversy around the ending of that shitshow…

I can safely say that the end of this shitshow is a controversial subject because I was recently insulted and blocked by one of those so-called Team PR blogs for only stating after the Forbes article that I thought that the PR games were very likely to continue for a while. I still believe a 4-month marriage would be bad publicity for Chris, especially after marrying a 26 year old that looks like his niece. 

But what I find interesting is that they are pushing that the end is near (they have been pushing that lie since the Ghosted premiere by the way) when in truth no one knows when it’s going to end. Except the protagonists of that shitshow and their teams. 

Of course they will probably be right at some point. I think no one believes that they are endgame. But what’s interesting is by keeping people’s hopes alive that it will end soon, they are making sure that people stay engaged. If you were to tell people, relax, it’s going to last for a while, many would check out and leave the fandom. Because many fans that are left are waiting for the end, desperately waiting for it. 

[toasterpiastris]

I agree that Oscars drive was amazing, and that was an amazing freaking pass. But Lando really did help him to win. Let’s hypothetically say Lando never made it that far up the field to help out. He held Sergio up by almost a second and a half, That means coming out of the pits, Sergio would be almost a second up the road on Oscar. Therefore when Leclerc pits a lap later, it’s not Oscar fighting Leclerc for the lead, now it’s Checo. So now we either have Sergio in the lead, or Oscar fighting Sergio for second. If Oscar is fighting for second, that gives Charles a chance to scamper off into the distance like he did in the first stint. So while Oscar deserves ALL the credit for his amazing driving, for his pass, for keeping Leclerc behind, he doesn’t even get the chance to do it if not for Lando. That is what being part of a team is all about, and what I think is getting lost in all this stupid Papaya Rules talk. As a fan of both drivers, I want them both to do well and win races. But at times, yes I think one or the other should be asked to do something they don’t want to do, that negatively impacts their race to help the other in order to help the team.

Every team does this, whether it’s Charles helping Carlos in Singapore last year, Fernando helping Lance to get his first win, or Checo helping Max to win the World Championship in 2021. It’s what McLaren have been missing. The ability to work as a team to maximize points. Lando helping Oscar doesn’t take the shine off his win, if anything it just makes it shinier. Shows that the team can work together, and is not as dysfunctional as it’s looked the past month or so. We should celebrate the achievements of both drivers!

100% agree. I think that (and I say this as an Oscar fan) the talks of Oscar being better, or more of a first driver are a bit premature rn. I honestly think they’re close to on equal footing currently, there is no clear “better driver,” at least in the last 10 or so races. Oscar is incredibly talented, he’s learned quickly, and he’s very laid back. But I find there are so many people completely discounting and discrediting Lando right now for reasons that aren’t always all that fair. I’ve seen so much about his mindset and how Oscar’s is better etc. etc. but this is very much so rooted in an anti mental health kind of stand point. Just because someone takes things hard, doesn’t mean they’re incapable. Lando started p15 for fucks sake, and he pulled through with a wonderful job. His defense for Oscar was a very helpful move, and to not acknowledge it is low key stupid. In the post that I’m pretty sure this ask was in response to, I was talking about how Andrea Stella saying that lando deserves 50% of the recognition for the win is kinda bs; honestly it seems like McLaren discredits both their drivers sooo much. As much as I don’t like the discourse about Oscar 2nd driver, lando has much more of a possibility at the championship. Also Oscar’s “2nd driver” thing would probably be much closer to what lando did in the Perez situation, not rolling over in a shit situation(Hungary looking at you lmao). Added to that, like Max said, Oscar isn’t typical 2nd driver material, and the whole idea of if you do it once you’ll never recover is bs in this instance. Oscar and lando both deserve their flowers for Sunday and they should be proud of themselves. People want so badly for another rancid brocedes-esque teammate rivalry, but lando and Oscar are so completely different from any of that. Oscar is way too calm about everything, and just look at Lando’s track record of teammate friendships. All in all, very well put anon, and I am done yapping now.

[snowblack-charcoalwhite]

The way Condal, Hess and co write certain characters, especially Alicent, just makes them look like some kind of aliens who cannot comprehend the core of human nature and familial bonds (motherly love, sibling dynamic...) . I mean, fine, maybe they aren't parents honestly have no idea about their private lives nor do I want to know ), but that still doesn't justify the atrocious manner in which they have been portraying Alicent's relationship with her children. And I dislike the explanations that come from one part of the fandom (she married against her will, never wanted those children, never felt freedom...) I mean, I don't deny these, but they are not enough to explain or justify her weird (and sudden imo) detachment and dare i say, borderline hatred of her sons. Not to mention that this was the life of westerosi women, basically every one of them. Also, Ryan talked how Alicent and Viserys had "a loving marriage, just weren't in love " and generally holds Viserys in high regard, so he obviously doesn't see him as Alicent's abuser or anything. That's why i cannot understand what is the point of showing her so disgusted by her children and incapable of showing them love. Otto's influence? Maybe, but still not the greatest explanation. And she seems even harsher and distant to her sons this season than Otto ever was to her. She doesn't seem broken over Jaehaerys, she doesn't seem overly upset over Aegon (he's burned alive and is dying ffs and she won't shed a tear), Aemond is apparently an ireedemeable monster in her eyes fur some reason, even before RR... It's so frustrating that there are people who eat it all up and justify it as a genius and subtle storytelling with a lot of details that we "the whiners" refuse or are unable to grasp. Idk, I really liked her in s1 and although she was a bit inconsistent in ep 8 and 9 I hoped it would be retconed. Unfortunately, this season I'm watching a character I don't recognise anymore. And the worst thing is that she doesn't suffer from a lack of screentime like Aemond or Helaena do. Almost everything on tg revolves around her and yet I still have no idea what is her goal or who she is anymore.

Sorry for the rant.

Hello!

I could not agree with you more. Not sure if some kind of personal/family circumstances of HotD writers played a role in them fumbling the Greens family dynamic so badly but I am convinced that their "women good men bad" narrative policy did.

In "Driftmark" Alicent orders for Luke's eye to be cut out (and immediately, in public) - and then attacks Luke and Rhaenyra herself. But a few minutes (in show time) later she repents - and after that, apparently, she is all for "violence is reserved for men" agenda. That's where her disdain for Aemond (in whose name she was about to commit a public act of violence herself) is supposed to come from, I think. It doesn't even feel like she is horrified precisely by the fact that he might have almost killed (deliberately at that) his own brother. Lack of consistency and logic? Yes. Obliviousness at best, hypocrisy at worst (from Alicent, I mean)? Yes. But who cares, right? Alicent does not support the evil deeds of men - and that's what matters.

And her treatment of Aegon looks even more moronic. Girl, you put him on the throne against his will! After her meeting with Rhaenyra she knows it was a result of a misunderstanding (the favourite trick of this show, dammit - but it is a topic for a whole another conversation) but how is Aegon to blame for it?

I can relate to Alicent growing tired of being used and manipulated - but IMO (I agree with you here as well) this is not a good enough excuse for her to fully go into the "fuck yourselves, the lot of you" mode. But for the writers it is, at least it looks like it. They were trying to sell us the bullying of Aemond by Aegon (combined with the former's desire for power) being a sufficient motivation for Aemond to get rid of his brother (during the civil war where they are supposed to be on the same side no less) - and now they are trying to justify whatever Alicent does with her being a child bride and so on and so forth. I have no love for Viserys (or sympathy for Otto - where it comes to him pimping his teenage daughter out to the king) - but turning Alicent into this and expecting everyone to eat it up? Come on. Even some casual viewers are going "WTF" watching Alicent's scenes with her children, never mind those who are familiar with Fire and Blood.

And double yes to the point about the show very heavily focusing on Alicent to the detriment of many other characters (Aemond first of all). It feels like the writers believe that all that audience is supposed to know about Aemond now is that he is a bad guy - and they give him just enough screen time to show that. Meanwhile Alicent has loads of it - just so we could get a really good, really long look at her face and understand just how bad patriarchy failed her.

So, as I see it Alicent is now no more than a means to the end of hammering home the main idea of the show. How does she do that and what happens to her character in the process is unimportant - at least, to the writers and showrunners.

Sorry for the rant as well🙈

[delicatetacokid2]

I had a few errands to run yesterday and one of them was grocery shopping at target. I had been in a little headspace all morning and did not want to adult, but things had to be done. I walked in to the store and grabbed a hand basket as I only had a small list of items to shop for. I made my way down the main raceway of the store and I spotted her. The target employee.

She was wearing black jogger pants, a semi baggy red t-shirt tucked in to them and black vans with the white strip on them. She was slightly taller than me (a lot of people are 🤭) and had an athletic build to her body. She couldn’t have been more than 30 years of age. Her dirty blonde hair was up in a messy bun which revealed her striking facial features. She wore light make up, which honestly, I am incapable of describing, but I do remember her eyeliner stood out to me. She had this grunge look, complete with sleeve tattoos.

I was mesmerized, stuck in a cheesy romantic movie where everything slowed down for me. We were walking towards each other and with every step I took, my head and body moved into my little space. We passed each other and as we did she looked at me, softly said hi and winked at me. I swear I forgot how to breathe. My eyes widened, my stomach released millions of fluttering butterflies, and my heart began to run its own race. I slipped into one of the crossing aisles and stood there, with a mental photo of the beauty I had just experienced. “Mommy,” I whispered to my self.

I had this profound feeling of wanting to be held by her, for her to cuddle me in bed and stroke my hair. I pictured her soft touch on my cheek as we talked about our day. Perhaps maybe even have a little wrestling game where she would pin me down and begin kissing my face as a “punishment.” My trance was rudely broken by a lady attempting to grab vitamins from the shelf behind me, I’m kidding she was a nice lady.

I continued my shopping in my little headspace. I sported a sweet smile, soft eyes and gently swung the basket back and forth as I grabbed what I needed. My last item was located at the opposite side of the store. I made my way there and spotted her again, merchandising the shelves right where I needed to be. I approached the area without her noticing me and carefully slipped in through the aisle. I was nervous. After a minute or two she turned to me. Anastasia, was the name pinned to her shirt.

Anastasia: Sorry, I didn’t see you there.

Me: It’s ok

I smiled at her

Anastasia: Are you doing ok? Can I help you find something?

My heart was racing as I stood there trying to come up with words to continue the conversation. At that moment I felt vulnerable, like I was displaying my secret to her without actually talking about it. I think it was obvious to her. I became a shy mess.

Me: I just need to get something from there.

I looked towards the shelf she was stocking. She knew exactly what I needed, grabbed it and handed it to me. As she did she placed her other hand underneath mine in a very nurturing way. I looked up at her and saw her smiled as she gave my hand a soft squeeze. Her blue eyes gave me a warm comforting feeling.

Me: Thank you

Anastasia: You’re welcome.

She patted my head twice, almost as if saying “you’re doing a great job,” which validated my suspicion of her knowing my secret state. She winked at me again and returned to her work. I placed my item in my basket and turned to leave.

Anastasia: Have a nice day sweetheart.

I badly wanted to say it. I so desperately wanted to call her that name, drop the basket and run into her embracing arms. I turned my body towards her bowed my head slightly and barely managed to keep it all in.

Me: Thanks, you do too.

[honeybeeofficial]

okay I know your post was about how annoying it is when people make comments about selling your craft and while I certainly can’t speak for other people I would spend mmmmh I’d say $450 on horseshoe crab bag. I have $450 in my bank account right now and would use it to buy a horseshoe crab shaped bag.

This illustrates another piece of the issue that maybe I didn't fully spell out in my post about how badly people underestimate the cost of handmade goods– which is that even when a non-crafter hears "handmade crafts are expensive," they still often don't really grasp the scale we're talking about.

When the same friend I mentioned in the original post found out that I handmade the journal I carry around, he asked if he could pay me to make him one. He said he would happily pay $15–20 for a good journal. I laughed and told him that the labor involved would make it a lot more expensive than that, and he went "oh, like… 30–40? Yeah, that might be more than I'd want to spend." …The actual cost for that journal would likely be around $80–100.

What makes me think you didn't fully comprehend my original post is that in that post, I gave a rough estimated overview of what the cost would be. I said that if I'm charging what my labor is actually worth, $615 is the bare minimum for that item, and that it would likely be more.

After updating my math and factoring in things like packaging + shipping, the "fair price" for a horseshoe crab bag comes out to $780 USD. That's with me charging $25/hr, which is less than I make at my actual job even though leatherworking is more physically taxing. I made a post about how commissions would work if anyone actually wanted to spend that much.

I'm not mad at you, anon (nor am I mad at the friend I've mentioned), but it's clear to me that the original point about how expensive handmade goods are didn't really click for you. Fast fashion and mass industrial production have really degraded our sense of how much things are actually worth, because you can get just about anything almost instantly for a tiny fraction of what it would take an individual to produce.

For the same reason, I've ruled out ever taking my graphic design career in a freelance direction– anytime I've taken a freelance project, or considered it, I get to the point where I calculate what to charge and I just wince and shy away from the project entirely… because I have a gut feeling that something like a logo "should" cost around $100–200… but when I do the math for my time, I would actually have to charge $600–1000 (for a logo! Just a logo!), and I'm just mentally incapable of enforcing that for myself day in and day out to make a living wage.

If you have 5–10 minutes, I'd recommend this exercise to anyone:

Think of a project or task you've done lately. Pick something with measurable start and end points, such as an art project, folding laundry, washing the dishes, writing an essay, etc.

How much do you think you would pay someone else to do that task for you? Write that down. This is "A."

How long did that task take you to do? Write that down (in # of hours). This is "B." Approximate number is fine.

Did that task require any special tools? What about materials? Even basic things like sponges, paint, etc. Roughly estimate the cost of all the tools and materials you used. Because you'd likely get multiple uses out of most tools/materials, divide that number by 5. Write down the new number; this is "C."

What do you think is a fair minimum wage for your area? Many people have been fighting for $15/hr for a long time, but arguably this is still too low. If you're not sure, use $15/hr as a baseline. Write that down. This is "D."

Multiply B by D. Add C. This new number is "E."

How close is E to A? I'd be willing to bet that E is quite a bit higher than A. Remember, the hourly wage you used to calculate this might not even reflect what this work is actually worth. Does this give you a better idea of what you would actually need to pay someone to do that task for you?

Not all work is quantifiable in this way, and modern technology does allow for processes to be combined and optimized in ways that won't be reflected in your process. For example, buying a single bagel would not cost $60, because a bagel shop can make lots of bagels at the same time, using the same materials and equipment. But this absolutely does apply to things like hiring someone to clean your house, do your homework, or– of course– create handmade crafts.

[keruimi]

Your Emphathy

Pairings: Kageyama Tobio x reader

Warning: Little Angst, Comfort

Note: Not proofread. Wrote this while watching Gho's "King Again" amv about Kageyama Tobio. His character development made me love him more. Please inform me if he's too out of character. Hope you all enjoy it!!

_____________________________

Egocentric King... An oppressive dictator.

I am known for that reputation. Not Kageyama Tobio, who is deeply in love with volleyball.

The same words that haunted me even when I entered Karasuno Highschool. Even if I became the main setter.

The fear that I will lose this position if I don't manage to prove myself in the court.

That no one would want me to be part of their team at all because of the way I can't control my emotions over losing one point.

Those thoughts were the reason I declared myself incapable of loving someone.

Until she entered my life without any warnings.

Shizuko Y/n

The one who I unknowingly gave my heart to. The student that started to become part of my thoughts.

A nice student who first offered her help when I struggled adjusting in this place.

When I feel like I'm being eaten alive by regrets, she suddenly appears in front of me like she is pulling me away from it.

The girl I let my guard down on. Someone who entered my heart that I opened for her.

Yet even of thoughts about me loving her, the fear never left me at all.

The fear of not being better, not giving enough, not being caring enough. Things you need to give to the person you love.

So even if it was against my will, even if I didn't want her to leave. I chose to push her away.

Because I would not let her tolerate a tyrant like me.

I would not let her be in pain because of what I will do.

After all, I'm not aware of what was right and wrong from the start. I don't know how to act to the people around me.

The time I started ignoring her was still bearable. Passing the hallways as if we are strangers.

Like we never interacted with each other.

Those moments made my heart throb knowing those are the thing I chose to feel.

Before I implicate her worse than it should be.

I don't need anything or anyone, I just want to play volleyball my whole life. Play until to my heart's content.

Those were the words I tried to believe myself into.

But having no one, scared me to my very soul.

"Y/n..." I muttered her name under my breath as I put my gaze on the court.

"I badly wanted to be with you"

It was the words I told myself when my heart and mind started debating on what's for the best.

What's the less painful decision to take?

My one-sided love is kept to myself for months until it finally bursts when she decides to make her way to me.

When she decided to approach me to fix the problem between us that I made myself.

"What did I do wrong, Kageyama?"

What should I do now?

We're tired of you, you egocentric King!

I'm tired of trying to understand my feelings too. It's more complicated than what I have thought.

Did I just run away?

Running away from these feelings I never want to exist.

"Please talk to me"

"Stop!" I shouted as I gripped my hair in frustration.

I hate when these feelings enter the picture. Why won't it disappear?

"Just please disappear from my life"

"A heartless king"

I don't want to love anyone at all.

I'm scared of giving my everything and no one will be there to recevie it.

I'm scared of hurting anyone because of it, especially if it was her.

"I don't want you to leave..." I opened my thoughts to her once again as I let my hands fall in the side in defeat.

I hate fighting with myself.

It felt like the world turned quiet and the only thing I felt was her pulling my head to her shoulder making me lean down to hide the pathetic expression I'm making.

"I can't do it" I felt tears left my eyes as the silence of the night is the only thing I heard.

The fear of everyone leaving. The empty space and no one around me. I know that I won't experience the same pain I went through in middle school.

But being alone again really scared me.

"I'm madly in love with you, Y/n"

I really wanted you to stay no matter how much I push you away.

I snake my arms around her waist as she kept her mouth shut, letting me out everything I hid to myself.

"I really wanted you to stay" I whispered and I finally felt her hands on my hair as she started to gently caress it while I felt her release a shaky breath.

"I thought you would never ask"

At that moment, I knew I had someone to run to. Someone I can vent my heart on.

"The Japan volleyball team really set my standards high. I might not be able to control myself in the practice match later" I ranted as I felt her warm hands took a hold of mine as she gave it a light squeeze.

"Look at your team once again, Tobio-kun" my eyes avert to my senpai's who are casually talking at the sideline as I felt my heartbeat went faster.

It's that fear again.

"They are far different from your middle school team." I gave her a side glance who turned to look at my way, with a small smile lifting from her lips.

"You'll do better than what you are thinking right now. Because you finally found the place you belong to"

A woman who accepted my passion. Someone who didn't question my priority at all.

She let me do everything I want. Let me have the freedom to move how I want.

Someone who didn't bother changing my bad sides. Never compare herself to volleyball.

She's a woman who never asks for much, just my love.

And that somehow manages to ease my mind.

"Are you not scared if I can't give you the attention you deserve because of volleyball?"

"What attention do you think I deserve, Tobio?" My mind seemed to pause from her words before she halted on her steps in front of me.

"I love you while you're still playing volleyball. Why should I remove something you already got used to before this relationship existed?"

She turned to me before holding my cheeks on her hands being warmed by gloves.

"It's alright if you prioritize volleyball. That's where you are passionate about. That's where you find who you are" I can't help but blush from the warm gaze she is giving me.

"Volleyball created who you are. Tobio, loving you is already enough. I'm alright with being your shadow, being your supporter from the sideline" she took a hold of my hand before we started walking again.

"As long as you don't ignore the messages of reminders I'm giving you. We'll be fine. This relationship will survive." My heart warmed on her words before I rested my head on her own.

"I don't deserve you..." I whispered as I felt her squeeze my hands once again.

"I don't deserve you too" That made me stand upright and glance at her who looked ahead of us.

"You have dreams while I don't. You know what you want, while I don't. I'm the type of woman who just goes with the flow of life." She exclaimed as she wrapped her hands around my arm before looking at me.

"Tobio, without getting over our fears, we can't love without hurting the other. There will always be mistakes and shortcomings" she stated.

"It's better if we take things slow. We still have a lot of years ahead of us where we can know each other better". I felt her squeeze my arm a little that made me face her.

"Pause and take a rest. We are not in a hurry"

And I knew that time.

I opened my heart to the right one

[cringelordofchaos]

Common ADHD traits/experiences I've heard of !!

(I was gonna make a post about why I might be neurodivergent but I figured it'd be going a bit too personal. Also this is just easier)

(ADHD is much more nuanced and complex than I may make it appear in this post. A lot of ADHD people don't have a lot of these traits or have traits not mentioned here. For example there are three types of ADHD (inattentive, hyperactive and combined) and most inattentive adhders are not going to be hyperactive lol)

Warning: badly worded (I'm stupid that's my excuse). also I'll go on personal rants as to how some of these may apply to me (whilst I can reasonate with each point listed here I won't go on a rat on all of these)

Physical hyperactivity (inability to sit/stand still (I used to think this meant that people with ADHD were incapable of. Sitting down (while constantly fidgeting or not) for one whole class)(I was an idiot)(I still am)). (Just overall constant , movement (I might have it idk I'm ALWAYS

Excessive talking

Stimming, fidgeting, general and overall repetitive movements (such as flapping hands, pacing, clasping hands together, etc)

Low attention span regarding things that don't garner much interest to you

More likely to be autistic, have anxiety or depression (or generally have other diagnostic conditions)

Ability to Hyperfocus on specific things, at times out of their control

More likely to have a lower Performance in school that most people

Proneness to addiction

Rejection sensitive dysphoria/RSD (really sensitive and afraid to rejection or criticism or disapproval or stuff like that. I'm questioning if I have it and I'm pretty sure I do bc i would have a whole breakdown bc i accidentally had a bad unintentional thought about this cool person I didn't want to hate me)(it's complicated)

Emotional disregulation (easily irritable, excited, stressed, stronger emotions, more likely to lash out, etc)(people with this are usually described to be much more emotional)

restless leg syndrome (except it's permanent lol)

Lower memory spans regarding most things

Forgetting to fulfill basic needs (such as eating, drinking, showering, etc)

Women/AFAB people are more likely to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (this of course does not rucking mean afab people can't b hyperactive my god)

Mental hyperactivity (racing/constant/overlapping/repetitive thoughts or stuff like that)

Impulsivity (doing stuff without thinking them fully though or not knowing why)

Sensory issues (sensitivity to sensory output such as noise, brightness, etc)

Easily bored/underwhelmed/understimulated - more likely to want to seek constant dopamine (due to l

Easily overwhelmed (whether itd be due to aforementioned sensory issues, emotional disregulation, rsd or stuff like that)

More likely to be perceived as "childish" (from what I've heard obviously this and many other things listed here don't apply to everyone)

Executive dysfunction (can't do shit at all)(ok it's more complicated than that just Google it up or something)

Having Hyperfixations (things you're DEEPLY invested in for a period of time, it can be a few days, weeks, months, sometimes more than a year, depends rly)(I'm still questioning if I'm neurodivergent but like I'm pretty sure I was in a DEEP hyperfixation mode when it came to sonic for like. A YEAR. like I literally it was literally the only thing on my brain the only thing in my life. and I would get realllytyy excited about learning obscure information about it or infodumping and I would flap my hands bc of how excited and passionate I was Abt it)(man I miss the times when I was so passionate about stuff I liked it was so fun :(( )

Higher/lower levels of empathy (I've seen this moreso been brought up with discussions regarding autism but I've also seen it brought up with ADHD itself too)

Lower levels of dopamine

Impatience

More likely to be a maladaptive daydreamer

Its cause is usually heavily genetic (meaning if your family or a family member has ADHD, you are more likely to have ADHD yourself)

More likely to have insomniac/have general problems with sleep (I'm questioning ADHD. I'm writing this like... Five hours before I'm supposed to wake up for school. Great.)

There is also a higher relevance between ADHD and PTSD

If I missed something important let me know!! Also if you don't know some of he

This post is not meant to be used as a substitute for self nor professional diagnosis, though if you feel like you might have ADHD because of this post I recommend further research and conversations with trusted advisors such as parental figures or therapists/doctors (not me not listening to my own advice)(<- that was me regarding my latter advice)(I'm too scared to tell my parents about it man)(idk why)

Things to note:

ADHD is not just about little elementary school hyperactive white boys !!

There's a lot of things I mightve missed

Not everyone with ADHD has all these traits (obviously)

Some of these traits may be common due to the commonness of ADHD + autism overlap (idk though)

Apparently it's one of the most diagnosed forms of neurodivergence in kids (about 7-10% of kids in the USA are diagnosed with ADHD)(APPARENTLY idk)

There's more but I'm tired right now byeeee

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Analysing my favourite lines from Six of Crows chapter by chapter: Chapter 3

As before, if there are any famous/popular lines missing it’s not because I don’t like them it’s just because I have nothing more to add to the analyses/ideas already present about them in the fandom. And if there are quotes that I haven’t analysed that’s just because I wanted to include it as a favourite quote but didn’t have anything to say explanation-wise.

This is a long chapter, so I’ll see how this goes and maybe split it into two parts.

“It would have been easy to make peace. Kaz could have told Jesper that he knew he wasn’t dirty, reminded him that he'd trusted him enough to make him his only real second in a fight that could have gone badly wrong tonight."

- this is really important for me because it tells us so much about Kaz and Jesper’s relationship in so few words, as well as telling us about the characters individually as well. Kaz trusts Jesper but he can’t tell him that and keeps him at arms length: we understand that Kaz has intimacy and/or commitment issues in both platonic and romantic relationships (since at this point in time the nature of their relationship hasn’t been explored but is presented as platonic, and Kaz had not been specifically stated to have a romantic interest this early on we as the reader make early assumptions). The specificity of the verb “knew” is SO important to me as well, because we have just seen Kaz have Big Bolliger shot in the stomach on the suspicion he was dirty based on a hunch about him going to a different cafe for breakfast but he ‘knows’ with complete certainty that Jesper is absolutely trustworthy. So within barely a paragraph of Kaz’s first POV chapter we understand that Jesper, even if their relationship is complex or rocky, is incredibly important to him and that he has considerable faith in him. The choice to not “make peace”, however, even though “it would have been easy” tells us that Kaz either feels the active need to keep Jesper at a distance or is incapable of expressing the closeness he feels in their friendship. Obviously later we’re able to learn that these are both true in their own way, but the importance of it in this moment is that we are immediately tuned in to Kaz’s fear of emotional connection and invested in understanding why this is, or exactly what he struggled with. Six of Crows is a novel I’d consider to be well balanced between plot-driven and character-driven, but I definitely think that these opening chapters are very character driven so this kind of set up is what pulls us into the book and makes us desperate to keep reading.

“ ‘Another bribe?’

‘I’m a creature of habit’

‘Lucky for you, I am too’ ”

“If you couldn’t walk out by yourself through Ketterdam after dark, then you might as well hang a sign around your neck that read “soft” and lie down for a beating” - I don’t know that I can coherently explain this I just love it; the worldbuilding??? the start of this brilliant presentation of the city as effectively it’s own character, which is one of my favourite things Bardugo does in her descriptions of Ketterdam?? The character implications about Kaz??? The way it ties into his initial judgements of Wylan!???? Perfection

“He realised he felt… Saints, he almost felt hopeful. Maybe he should see a medik” - I just love this so much, it’s so funny and it’s so quintessentially Kaz, I absolutely adore it

“Usually, he liked the quiet. In fact, he would’ve happily sewn most people’s lips shut” - we should talk about this quote more as a fandom, you know, because it’s brilliant and it’s so funny and again it’s just so brilliantly Kaz in the opening pages of his perspective we get so much information about his worldview and understand him to be quite a humorous character despite the initial appearance of him from Inej’s POV. As the novels go on we see the others notice his jokes more often, but in that introductory chapter it was incredibly important that the reader received the same image of Kaz that the Black Tips did, so now we get to be introduced to the closest thing to a real version of Kaz. I think there’s still a prevalent understanding that we’re seeing a mask, but this feels more real than Dirtyhands does… if that makes sense? I could be rambling about nonsense

"He'd heard other members of the gang say she moved like a cat, but he suspected cats would sit attentively at her feet to learn her methods" - this is just such a brilliant description of what Inej can do, it gives us such a clear image without having to overexplain anything and it also introduces us to this idea of Kaz putting her on a pedestal.

' "And what god do you serve, then?"

"Whichever will grant me good fortune"

"I don't think gods work that way,"

"I don't think I care," '

"He didn't see her go, only sensed her absence" - I can't explain it but something about this is so achingly romantic to me.

"But the fact that she could simply erase herself bothered him. She didn't even have a scent. All people carried scents, and those scents told stories -" - It wasn't until someone asked me to make a post about this quote that I really thought about it and realised why it has always stuck out to me. You can see the post on my page if you're interested, but in essence I think it's really important that Kaz struggles with any sense of permanence, so the idea that the one person he cares about more than anything else in the world could vanish so completely, as though she never even existed in the first place, is genuinely frightening - especially to a boy who several times in these novels fears that he has begun to hallucinate. Kaz seems very aware that he's on the edge of something he identifies as going mad, and the concept of visual and auditory hallucinations - Jordie's voice in his head, the panic at thinking he must have hallucinated when he first sees a Tidemaker walk through a wall, the immediate fear of being attacked by a ghost, etc - is something that constantly chases him. Kaz has also spent the last 8 years of his life living in a world that continued on as though his brother never existed, the salt in the wound being that not even Rollins remembers them, so the awareness of that happening to Inej, someone he has come to care for in a way that is entirely new and incredibly overwhelming for him - "there would be no grand funerals for them, no marble markers to remember their names" "What will you leave behind, but corpses to be burned on the Reaper's Barge?" "Out to the Reaper's Barge for burning, like all paupers go" - is a deeply upsetting. This then becomes a parallel with Kaz specifically noting that he can smell soap on her in the Crooked Kingdom Bathroom Scene; in this moment she us cemented so strongly in view and becomes the tether between Kaz and his sanity by continuing to so obstinately exist in a world that doesn't seem to want her to.

"Ghosts, Kaz thought. A boy's fear, but it came with absolute surety. Jordie had come for his vengeance at last" - oh my goodness there's so much to unpack here. I have talked about this a bit before, I think it was in my (very long) post about the potential for Wylan and Kaz to become each other, but it is SO important to look at this quote and remember that when we first read it we haven't the faintest idea who Jordie is or what happened to him. With the ousting of Big Bolliger and all the talk about your gang being your family and that even if you're a liar and a thief, you don't lie to or steal from your own gang, my initial assumption upon reading this was that Jordie had once been in a gang with Kaz, one of them had betrayed the other, and it had ended with Kaz murdering him. But, of course, this is very far from the truth and this tells us so much heart-breaking information about the fact that Kaz blames himself for what happened to them. He wonders later what might have happened to them if he hadn't insisted they go and find the magician that was the first step leading them to Rollins and to Jordie's death, but we never get anything about Kaz blaming himself quite as outrightly as this, the rest of it is usually just implied. So why show us this now? I would argue because this is how Kaz genuinely feels and in the moment he thinks it he is too terrified, confused, and to some extent concerned for his sanity to push the feeling away. Everything we see beyond this point id the construct that he has convinced himself is how he feels: that it's Rollins' fault. Obviously Rollins is at least partially to blame for Jordie's death, but if I may quote myself from a previous post It's the city that kills him, Rollins is just the weapon it chooses. Jordie even says it himself - "The city's winning now, but you'll see who wins in the end". Kaz's genuine belief is that Jordie's death is his fault, but he is in far too fragile a mental state to cope with that truth (and when I say truth I mean the that it's the truth he believes that, not that it;s the truth it's his fualt because he was jsut a nine-year-old who wanted to see a magician that's a more than innocent act and, again, he was nine) so he instead exists within a façade that he has built for himself - even on top of the one he's built for everyone else. We also see a hatred of the feeling towards blaming Jordie later on in the novels, and this is incredibly important. It's almost as if the idea that it's his fault isn't even the truth, but that's a façade to overcome the ultimate horror of seeing Jordie as accountable for it all - "What do you think my forgiveness looks like Jordie?". But ultimately, this is still the warped view of the world instilled in Kaz and so many of the other citizens of Ketterdam, possibly Kerch as a whole, arguably placing the city and its infrastructure as the ultimate villain rather than the tools of it. (Wherein the tools are Rollins and Van Eck).

"The phantom was upon him, and he felt the sharp jab of a needle in his neck. A ghost with a syringe?" - This is just so funny I love it so much I think I've read SOC and CK near to twenty times each now and this still makes me laugh every damn time.

I'm going to split this into two parts from here because this is the splitting point in the chapter and this is already a pretty long post. Thanks so much for reading this, sorry it's been a while for me to post it. I'm loving this line-by-line analysis series already (I know this is only the second post but I'm still excited) but they do take a long time to put together, particularly because at this time I don't currently have an annotated version of either book. Although I am planning to buy fresh copies for the purposes of annotating them when I get the opportunity, I currently don't have my ideas recorded anywhere except this account so whenever I write a post I'm working entirely from memory beyond the actual quotes themselves (and sometimes including them too haha) or even coming up with new ideas as I write. Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, and if you have any questions please keep sending them in I know I haven't responded to any for a little while but I love getting them and I am working through my inbox, if a bit slowly :)

[oneweirdbookaddict]

Whumptober day nineteen!

Prompt: I’m not as dumb as you think I am.

Character focus: Wild, and some Twi

761 words

Warnings for minor injuries, let me know if there should be anything else!

~~~~

They all glance around, defensive positions dropping as they realize the threat is gone.

“Everyone good? Check off.” Time says, eye finding the chosen hero- and the first in their order.

“I’m alright.” Sky says, cleaning off the master sword with a sigh.

“All good.” Four reports, watching the champion stick his sword back into his sheath with a scowl.

“No injuries.” Time says, glancing to Legend.

“Same here.” The vet says, arm around Rulie, who’s doubled over.

“ ‘m ok,” Rulie groans. “Just… little bruised.”

“Took a kick to the diaphragm, nothings injured, just knocked the air out of him.” Leg says, waving Wars away as the captain moves towards them.

“Nothing here.” Wind says, and Wars nods.

“Same.”

“I’m alright.” He continues, and Wild sighs.

“I have a small cut on my arm- nothing to worry about, though.” The champion says.

He makes his way over to Wild as the group starts slowly down the path once more, putting a hand on the younger’s shoulder.

“I said it’s fine, Twi.” Wild says, looking away from him.

“Wasn’t even going to ask, thank you.” He lies, frowning. Wild slouches guiltily. “But now I am. Let me see it.”

“Leave it alone, Rancher, I’m fine.”

“You’re being argumentative.”

“I don’t appreciate being babied!”

“All I asked was to look! You’re the one that got defensive and angry for no reason! If it’s really nothing, show me and I’ll leave you alone!”

Wild’s eyes narrow. “Or just trust me for once! I’ll have you know that I’ve never tried to walk off a mortal injury!”

“Just let me see, then I’ll leave you alone!”

Wild glares at him for a second, but yanks his sleeve up to reveal a small cut- barely a scrape, really- on his forearm.

He takes a deep breath, calming himself, nodding slightly. “Thank you.” And he walks away.

~~~~

That night is when they have issues again.

Wild makes dinner. Winces a few times, which he catches. So as they eat he quietly asks him about it.

“How’s that cut doing?”

“Fine.” Wild says shortly.

“Is it bothering you? You winced a couple times while making dinner when you used it.”

“I said it’s fine.”

“Did you clean and bandage it?”

The champion scowls at him. “I’m not as stupid as you think I am, Twi! Yes, I cleaned and bandaged it! Goddess!”

He backtracks immediately, faltering. “No! No, that’s not what I meant, I-”

Wild stands, though, walking away. “Yeah. Whatever. I’m taking a walk.”

No one argues as the champion walks off, arms crossed over his chest angrily.

~~~~

He takes a slow breath, walking up near the edge of the hill where Wild’s sitting.

“Hey. Mind if I sit?” He asks quietly.

“Go ahead.” Wild mutters, not looking at him.

He hesitates, but does. Lets the silence linger in case the champion wants to say anything, but he doesn’t.

So he talks. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to imply that I think you’re stupid when I ask those questions. I just… I know you can look after yourself, I know you’re capable… I just worry.” He sighs.

“I’m used to looking after younger children. It’s just… a habit. I’ll work on it, I just… wanted to say sorry. I don’t think you’re stupid or incapable.”

Wild heaves a slow sigh, nodding. “Thanks. I’m sorry I snapped so badly. I know that’s not what you meant, I just… not used to having people look out for me, you know? I was alone for so long. I’ll work on it, too.���

He nods slowly, putting a hand on Wild’s shoulder. “In the meantime, I’ll try to respect boundaries. All I ask is for a little leniency- I’ll forget sometimes.”

Wild nods, other hand reaching to meet his. “Yeah. I’ll try not to snap again.”

Silence again.

They watch the sun slowly sink into the earth, the last few rays of light vanishing.

“I… I like having people to work with.” Wild says quietly, looking at him. “It’s… like before. With my friends, in a way. It’s just… difficult. To get used to.”

He nods understandingly.

“I… feel it harder when we’re settled for the night. Everyone talking… I think that’s why I snapped. I apologize- I didn’t mean… I meant no offense.”

“There’s none taken.” He assures his friend gently, and silence falls over them again.

Then he smiles to himself. “So, Wild, tell me… do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls?”

The champion looks up at him, the ghost of a smile on his lips.

~~~~

[hanzajesthanza]

hi hello i am several pages into your cahir tag and had a couple of questions if you feel like sharing your thoughts! when geralt first confronts cahir on the island in baptism of fire, there's the line "cahir said nothing. geralt felt bad. very bad." and i would love to know what your take on that is - 'very bad' in particular intrigues me. also, you reblogged a great analysis post about cahir and ciri that mentions publishing pressure laced with homophobia - do you have any info on that?

i'm so flattered, and also i love talking about these characters so i'll be glad to share my thoughts!

re: "geralt felt bad. very bad.":

the confrontation between geralt and cahir begins with geralt holding it over cahir's head, reminding him that he spared his life on thanedd. in which he calls him chłystku, "Żal mi się ciebie zrobiło, chłystku." this was translated as "I felt sorry for you, whippersnapper," though chłystek can also be "pipsqueak," "brat." what geralt is saying is, you young man (derogatory, with contempt).

cahir is something like 20, well, actually more like 30 to 40 years geralt's junior, and this is mentioned a couple of times times already (observations by dandelion's POV, that cahir was incapable of growing a beard, haha).

geralt is effectively scolding cahir in this confrontation, and cahir is not fighting him, taking the verbal beating.

‘(...) I’m preoccupied with one thought: to get my hands on the people who harmed Ciri. I’ve sworn that those who’ve harmed her will pay for it with their blood.’ Cahir did not speak. ‘Your revelations, which Milva has told me about, don’t change anything. There’s only one conclusion: you were unable to abduct Ciri on Thanedd, despite your best efforts. Now you’re trailing me, so that I can lead you to her. So that you can get your hands on her again, because then your imperator might spare you and not send you to the scaffold.’ Cahir said nothing. Geralt felt bad. Very bad. ‘She cried out in the night because of you,’ he snapped. ‘You grew to nightmarish proportions in her child’s eyes. But actually, you were–and are–only a tool, a wretched minion of your imperator.’

if cahir had piped up as geralt was scolding him here, if he had denied geralt's accusations, if he had bridled, if he had fought him like he had requested in ch. 2, that would have given geralt full rein to lay the smackdown. as the saying goes... "Go ahead, make my day..."

but cahir didn't make his day.

cahir is not really one to debase himself. as in tower of the swallow ch. 5 when he and geralt fight, cahir, like geralt, is obsessed with his own honor:

‘I’m not what I appear,’ said the young Nilfgaardian in a powerful, resonant voice. ‘Unfortunately, I can’t prove it. But I can do something else. Do what befits me, what I have to do, when I’m being slandered and insulted, when my honour is besmirched and my dignity sullied.’

geralt finally has in his clutches the black knight of cintra, his little girl's nightmare. and, like any father, wants to curbstomp him. badly. he wanted to do the same when he first met him, on thanedd:

‘I know who you are, Nilfgaardian,’ said the white-haired fiend, kicking the helmet with the hacked-up wings. ‘You have been pursuing her doggedly and long. But now you will harm her no more.’

but this is geralt: held back by his morals, by his scruples. who he has isn't the black knight of cintra, anymore.

and this is cahir:

There was no black knight of Cintra. There was a pale, dark-haired young man with stupefyingly blue eyes and a mouth distorted in a grimace of fear, kneeling in a pool of blood. (...) The terrified, cowering young man bleeding profusely was no one.

cahir is now only "a young face, which hadn’t grown much more stubble since the adventure under the beech tree." and again, geralt "[is] getting old, [and] starting to develop scruples."

geralt feels bad, very bad (it's just "źle, bardzo źle" in polish, so no weird translation issues from what i can tell) for two reasons:

‘I don’t know what you did to become a nightmare for her. And (...) I don’t understand why in spite of everything I can’t kill you. I don’t understand what’s holding me back.’

firstly, geralt is recalling how ciri suffered because of cahir, how she awoke in the night due to nightmares, nightmares which he could not help her with (and thus enlisted the help of triss, and later yennefer, who actually helped her with the trauma-related nightmares).

secondly, he is unconsciously holding himself back from killing cahir, because cahir is a sad-eyed young man who is no longer the black knight of cintra. geralt, as we know, loathes harming innocents, and can't bear to kill anything that doesn't deserve it. and cahir isn't doing anything (not being a threat, not even talking back) to deserve it.

and then, of course, further motivation to work together: cahir and geralt have in common that they want to rescue ciri, and they are both dreaming of her.

but geralt's inability to kill cahir always gets me, for how it emphasizes their characters: geralt, hounded by his scruples, and cahir, just a young man...

re: ringkvinna's analysis of cahir, imperialism, his love for ciri and about publishing pressure:

(damn, i love this analysis, haha. i also feel similarly about cahir and ciri, the paragraph beginning "In my opinion, it is the only way in which" is especially accurate, i think).

it was once a speculation of mine that a heterosexual romance was pushed for ciri because of homophobic attitudes from the publisher. nowadays i don't terribly stand by this, it's kind of just a theory, a book theory...

but it is true that there were reactions to mistle and ciri:

( John ) Did you know from the beginning that Ciri would fall in love with Mistle? ( AS ) Of course. It was one of the elements of the plan that was ready from the beginning. ( John ) And the scene in the library? ( AS ) And this is one of the things that came after the plan, there was no place in the original plan for Fringilla Vigo. When writing the scene in the library, I played with the idea of ​​writing it against people who say that it is impossible to do such a thing in Polish without falling into a vocabulary of gynecology or foul words. And I came up with an idea with books. But it still did not help, the newspaper that printed "Lady of the Lake" in parts, demanded from SuperNOWA, to cut that scene as pornographic. They were mocked by SuperNOWA. The Russians reacted to my alleged "pornography" even more ridiculously. I noticed while reading the translation that the Mistle-Ciri scene was heavily watered down. The translator, to whom I complained, stated that I should thank him, because at first the publisher demanded - demanded from the translator, I emphasize - to change Mistle into a boy.

Q&A with Sapkowski from the mid 2000's (Reddit, English translation) | F8 Key (Polish original text)

another time he mentioned this:

A. S.: Can I mention this story? Some lesbian elements were considered extremely dirty and without notifying the author, they decided to solve the problem by changing the gender of one of the girls. T. G .: I would have a stroke. A. S .: And Weisbrot strongly opposed (because I wasn't notified) and made them keep the original text. But even so, the whole fragment was strongly castrated. And since the whole story consisted of the three sentences, after the castration very little remained. Because it turned out, you know, that it is a complete pornography. 

"We will not tolerate pornography!" (Reddit, English translation)

(for context, sapkowski had a good friendship with russian translator eugene weisbrot, and actually dedicated lux perpetua (3rd book of the hussite trilogy) to him).

my speculation, then, was that because mistle's assault of ciri happens in time of contempt, and they begin a relationship in baptism of fire, i thought it would be possible for a homophobic attitude to rear its head in-between baptism of fire and tower of the swallow, that: 'ciri should have a male love interest, i hope that she will be delivered from this foulness by a decent boy.'

well, i don't disagree that this a potential thought of a publisher or even a reader, but i also think that sapkowski may have expected this too, and as always, was playing 4D chess with us.

because, in historia i fantastyka with stanisław bereś:

BS: Your women leave the role of the charming concubines. They not only kill as deftly as men, but in addition do not want to go to bed with them, because they prefer their girlfriends. Why, for example, did you make Ciri a lesbian? Why almost all the girls in the "Witch of Derby" tasted the fruits of same-sex love? Or is it some kind of psychoanalytic revenge? AS: I'm not sure. But I am certain that I'm not a lesbian. Although, on the other hand, the attraction that I sometimes feel for women, would claim the opposite. However, so that you do not have any doubts, I declare: I do not intend to shock anyone with such stories. For Russians, for example, as follows from numerous reviews, there were some complaints about these heroines and they even called me perverse and dirty. The Russian publishing house was so outraged that if not for my translator who, like a wolf and a hare in one person, lay down on the threshold and defended the work - they would've changed without the essence of the book, "bringing sex back to normal", that is by simply changing the gender of the characters. However, if there was any intention to show the women in this way - and there was - it was caused by the desire to move away from a stereotype, which states that the appearance of a woman in a transparent bra and lace panties in fantasy pursues one goal: to give rest to a warrior, who should treat this woman as an instrument (read: to fuck). So why can't she be a rest for a female warrior? The fact that I depict female characters in such a way does not mean that I am writing caricatures of real people! I parody the canon. A reader who knows fantasy well, after seeing that a lady in an openwork bra and transparent panties appeared in the book, thinks: "Oh! Another minute and! .. "And then - ay-ay-ay - nothing like that !!! I do this intentionally from purely insidious considerations. However, I was terribly touched by a certain author of fantasy, who stupidly and senselessly deprived his heroine of her virginity. At first he portrayed the heroine in such a way that the reader was 100% sure that she would, like Helena Kurcewicz, wander with her virginal hymn until the last scene of the book, in which she'll give it to the protagonist on the first wedding night. And this author suddenly, for no reason at all, without any seemingly grounded reason, makes his heroine give - excusez moi le mot! - her ass and to God knows who! Oh, how excited I got! "How is it possible?" I exclaimed. But then I thought: no, there is something in it. If I can, then I'll make someone nervous too. The reader will start thinking about, reflecting on which warrior should claim Ciri ... But then! This is the reason that motivated me to describe such female characters in my books. And consequently, this is not projection - in what you suspect me - of my own vaginal complications and phobias. I think if I had such problems, I probably would have known.

Andrzej Sapkowski and Stanisław Bereś "History and fantasy" (2007)

sapkowski often predicts what his readers will think, and then preemptively does something with the story to challenge their expectations.

in the case of mistle and ciri, he wanted to challenge the expectation that any (male) warrior would end up "claiming" ciri, instead it being a woman who takes ciri's virginity, and also showing the realistic, traumatic and devastating reality of this, of rape. all to push back on the fantasy trope of a male warrior "claiming" a girl.

back to cahir, i think that sapkowski may have also predicted that some readers were expecting a boy (as in: male love interest) to 'save' ciri from this relationship, and he introduced the cahir-ciri storyline as something which he knew would not be consummated in the end, which would end tragically.

this 'decent boy' comes across in cahir (who fails, as he is not the grail knight) and later, galahad (who succeeds, as he is the grail knight).

also, for how sapkowski has spoken of cahir and ciri:

Out of nobility (and love, because he protects Ciri), Cahir, a knight and officer, dies. Will a knight and officer defending his lady run away because he "soberly and thoughtfully" decides that it is unwise to fight, even if the opponent is a type like Bonhart? This would destroy the entire legendary history and the entire matiere de la chevalerie! It couldn't be like this! And this is apart from the fact that Cahir, alive, was in no way suitable for me to continue the action.

Sapkowski answers the questions of the active users of "Sapkowski Zone" (2001) (Reddit, English translation) | Active interview of Zone readers with Andrzej Sapkowski (Polish original text)

it's all just playing with tropes, with the fantasy canon...

‘Run away,’ whispered Ciri, seeing who was approaching along the corridor. ‘He’s the devil incarnate. But he only wants me. He won’t come after you … Run … Help Geralt …’ Cahir shook his head. ‘Ciri,’ he said kindly. ‘I’m surprised by what you’re saying. I came here from the end of the world to find you, rescue you and defend you. And now you want me to run away?’ ‘You don’t know who you’re up against.’

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #214

Brain Curds are lightly edited daily writing - usually flash fiction and sometimes terrible on purpose.

Read God for a Day Act One and God for a Day Act Two first.

I found my body strolling along the boardwalk, smiling with a sickening ignorance of tragedy. Dietz was dead, and this monster in my skin was using my life as a vacation.

“Hey!” I yelled. He didn’t turn around. “I’m talking to you!”

“I am aware, Lillian. It would be best for your public reputation if you allowed me to lead us to a private space before we speak. Understood?”

So nonchalant. So disgusting. A universe of death and entropy, disguised as a prize, foisted upon me as He relished the quiet of being a single human. The horrors were unforgettable, unforgivable, and yet He walked as though He’d never seen them.

We entered a single-stall unisex restroom and He locked the door behind Him.

“Am I to take it, Lillian, that you are dissatisfied with this arrangement?”

“You are. My friend is dead.”

“And you killed him?”

“Not on purpose.”

“God does not make mistakes.”

“Well I fucking do!”

The room shook and He fell to the floor and started chuckling as blood flowed from His bitten lip. “Given every atom of power and knowledge I was afforded, freed from the confines of your human brain, given reign over all of existence, you still are incapable of recognizing the Truth. My only failure was my attempt to make your kind in my image.” He smirked. “Tell me, Lillian, how many sins have you witnessed as of yet? Uncountable, yes? This is but a taste of the Hell I have built for myself, and you sick people covet it. You simulate it in your computer games. You lust for power by any means and at any cost, and you dare blame me when things go wrong?”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Is that what you truly want? You need not give commands as a God, you may perform any action without my consent. Ask yourself, what do you want? Your life back? I can’t send you back in time. I can’t take away from you what you have seen. Forever and always you will be cursed with this shame and guilt that you wanted so badly.”

“I never wanted this!”

“Didn’t you? Didn’t you when you relentlessly drowned and burned virtual people, laughed at their screams for help? The Truth is there for the knowing, and it is plain to see: their lives meant just as much as yours do. And you easily could have saved Dietz.”

The noise of the universe grew and grew, louder, louder, clawing at every aspect of my ethereal being like a rabid dog broken off a leash.

“God does not make mistakes - not because He is perfect, but because by definition what He does is done with precision, with purpose. With intent. Benevolence was always a ruse, Lillian! And you fools bought it! I shed no tears for what I’ve done for all of you! A God has no place for emotion and you have failed your test!”

He was overwhelming my senses. There was no doubt in my mind, he was doing this to me because he wanted me to fold. He wanted me to admit defeat and give him back his place on the throne of creation. I’d go back into my body, left to grapple with my actions and inactions alike, certain that life was meaningless and empty.

No.

I reached inside His chest and ripped out my heart. He looked at it and laughed, tears running down His cheeks. He said only four more words before collapsing to the dirty floor.

“Sweet darkness… take me.”

I killed God.

Please comment, reblog, like, and follow if you enjoyed - I'd love to know what you think! See you again tomorrow.

[celltheory]

i think everything is getting to be sooo complicated now and it is so irritating

getting recommended so many articles + next videos + new posts! etc is exhausting and annoys me too much

working out to me is just like...we need to be moving in some sense to be healthy. but it's so easy to make it seem like we need more in the sense of being specific or whatever, or changing it up a lot, and it is true in some contexts but it's just...it tends to be more people promising something they can sell, whether it's a program or a tool.

the whole plateau thing is true and i am aware of that but i don't know. for beginners? and people who want to get in shape and aren't used to doing much of anything, i think it makes the jump to consistency impossible because there's now a roadblock of decision making to be done before getting any exercise in and it's soooo stupid to me.

i have so much less empathy for professional athletes now :| and it makes me feel like a shitty person tbh. but i genuinely like...i think it makes sense to be affected and feel sad or whatever by getting so much hate. but i also think...there's ways to avoid it? and that some athletes lean into it to give themselves an enemy because there's like. literally no enemies within sports anymore. sorry. what's a rivalry? no tension. i don't even care. i think part of that is being Too Online in this aspect.

i want to quit so badly but i really do like teaching :/// but i wish...my boss was normal and not an asshole

i just feel so tired and i was sick last weekend and my voice is still gone but now i'm talking for basically 5 hours straight and i just...cannot talk without sounding like a dying toad after hour two.

so many teachers at work are just exhausted by the time they get here and i understand it but they are not....helping the kids at all and some of the sentences they're approving are atrocious and literally not even sentences and it's like...please...we still need to help them?

and i get feeling overworked for some of them because i feel like i am dying sometimes but i am genuinely incapable of not trying when i'm with the kids. like they have to come first imo. but now i just see some tables and they're literally not getting anything done and i feel so bad because it is so dumbly expensive to attend this program and they're doing zip!!!!!

the whole online friend is making me feel crazy. and i think i just feel so naive sometimes and like...obviously lonely. but idk. being the youngest at school + a lot of them have kids etc too means we're in such different places that it's just awkward sometimes idk

i need to get my motivation back for school tho. or discipline. whatever. i should be studying but instead i wrote this to complain and am reading the new sally rooney :)

[furiousgoldfish]

i was also incredibly isolated as a kid (not to the same extent, and now i am an adult and moved out, but i was also homeschooled, heavily [and only really] involved with the church, and i also moved regularly as my dad was in the military)

i’m still working on reconciling the idea that i might have been abused with the knowledge that my parents loved and still love me deeply, and that most of what they did was based in fear for me, or in their own insecurities. and still, i cannot deny the long lasting effects of their “overprotectiveness.”

i don’t know what i’m really trying to say… only that, i’m grateful to see the isolation and confinement acknowledged. that i’m not one person blowing it out of proportion, and that it truly did have the ability to hurt me that much. thank you for giving us that space to recognise that <3

It is very hard to reconcile the idea that your parents both loved you deeply and harmed you on a very deep level at the same time. I think, even if it's based on insecurities, they are responsible for their child's safety, happiness, health, emotional well being and all of the skills to happily live in the world, and if they failed you in all or most of these area, then they failed, insecure or not. The responsibility cannot be on you, you had absolutely no say in any of it. You were the one who was out of experience, who couldn't know what was being done to you, or how badly it would damage you. They were adults, they had time to learn and grow, and if they didn't do that, and ended up putting you in danger, abuse and harm, then that is on them, not you.

I can tell that you love your parents deeply, and that putting any responsibility for your pain on them feels counter-intuitive, ridden with guilt and pain. And that is true for a lot of children of abusive parents, they really know how to make us feel so much compassion, consideration, understanding and love for them, we cannot bear to make them feel guilty or like they've done anything wrong, even when we're drowning in trauma symptoms. But, they never extend the same courtesy to us, do they? When we're drowning in trauma, they have the upper hand to help us, to acknowledge what they did, to admit all of it, to tell us it wasn't our fault, to let us know they're sorry, that they should have known better, that they were in the wrong, that they are responsible for putting us in this state. They have the ability to try and make amends and to put the pressure off of us, to take over that guilt for the things they themselves have caused.

But they never do that, do they? Instead they act incapable of handling what they did, and expect us, the children, to bear all of it, to forgive without being asked forgiveness, to suffer whatever new abuse they have in the store for us.

I mean, I'm assuming a lot here, I don't know if this really is your situation or not. But I do want you to have as much consideration, understanding, kindness and compassion for yourself, as you do for your parents right now. You're struggling, and you deserve to feel like your feelings are important, and to be taken seriously. You deserve to be acknowledged. You deserved to be protected from the evils of both church and military, and it was none of your fault that you were exposed to it. Your parents could have figured it out before giving birth to you, and you've ended up paying for their mistakes, and that is not okay. I am so sorry these people put you thru all of this.

But this doesn't mean you have to do anything, or force yourself to feel anything. If my words feel too painful, you are free to ignore them, and conclude that you know and understand your situation better than I ever will. I hope you take it slow, and that you go easy on yourself, and give yourself time to settle on how you really feel, without any pressure, without feeling like anyone else's feelings matter more than yours in this. I'm glad you came to talk to me about this, and I hope you get more experiences where you get compassion and acknowledgment, because based on what you wrote, I can tell that you did not get a lot of situations where you were allowed to feel like your experience matters. But it does.