#sorry i am RANTING OUT MY PROBLEMS here because i hate talking about my disabilities irl but the frustration is constantly growing lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

khaleesiofalicante · 4 years ago

Note

Yknow I love Charlotte as a character buuut her parenting is questionable. From telling a 6 year old crying Matthew to take care of his father while she and Charles do some political work and honestly being really neglectful towards Matthew to mentioning his alcohol problem in one of the worst possible ways. Yes he should face his problems but that wasn't the way AT ALL.

Also I get that her job is very important but when she knows that she won't be home most of the time and her husband just isn't suited to watch little children with him absent mind(mind you this isn't his guilty for this) then they really just shouldn't have had children.

Matthew obviously isn't comfortable sharing anything with her. And even tho he really loves his whole family (even charles) he isn't comfortable around them.

It's obvious he feels like the black sheep. 2 politicians and a genius. While he is over there and just enjoys art and parties.

Even before the poison accident it was obvious he wasn't happy and didn't think that he was worth anything.

I'm sorry for he rant but I'm seeing a lot of Matthew hate and it feels like no one actually sees that his problems run deeper than alcohol and academy bullying

Ohhhhhhh this is an interesting topic!

Okay here is my take.

1. I agree that Matthew’s issues move past beyond alcoholism. Remember that his alcoholism is NOT the problem. It happens to be his coping mechanism - which of course is unhealthy. So, even if Matthew becomes sober, unless he addresses the actual problem - which is the trauma he had to go through after the miscarriage - then it’s not going to be much help since he is likely to replace one unhealthy coping mechanism with another. So yes. While addressing the alcoholism and the bullying, it’s important that we talk about how these issues persist.

2. Which brings me to the lack of psychosocial support. Another reason why Matthew seems to be having a hard time coping with this trauma is that he has less parental or domestic support than his peers. While I do not wish to compare these characters, I must also admit that Matthew could feel that his parents are not as “supportive” or “present” as the parents of his friends.

3. I do agree that Charlotte could have done better. I’m not going to disagree with that. I feel like BOTH Charles and Matthew needed better guidance and support.

4. BUT I don’t really like the idea of blaming Charlotte for this (or mostly blaming her) as it reinforces the belief that “oh she is the mother so of course she is responsible for their upbringing”. Now of course one can assume that Charlotte is more responsible for the upbringing because of Henry’s condition. But I don’t think it was shown in any way that Henry is incapable of providing emotional support to his children. I don’t think that has anything to do with his disability - but just his general personality and absent-mindedness. But we have seen Henry be kind to Matthew and talk to him after Charlotte’s miscarriage.

5. I think what is missing here is consistency. It’s important that children have consistent support from parents. While Charlotte’s and Henry’s love might be no doubt unconditional - I don’t find it to be inconsistent. I don’t think this is because Charlotte prioritises her job more than her family (which I find to be another patriarchal stereotype btw) or Henry being oblivious. I think the circumstances pushed them to make decisions that led to the current situation.

6. I agree with the fact that Matthew wasn’t very happy before the miscarriage either. He used to be the caretaker of his father and he barely had any parental support and he didn’t get much from Charles too. I think even in the past and even in the present, one of the biggest issues is the fact that no one seems to be confronting Matthew. I mean, they don’t even seem to realise he has a problem - which is really careless and irresponsible.

In COI, James mentions that they have an unspoken pact not to mention Matthew’s drinking. But what prevented others (Except for Lucie!!) from talking to Matthew about it? Yes, Charlotte and Henry must have definitely noticed and addressed this! (I believed they did in coi - which led to Matthew moving out smh) but I don’t see any other adult addressing this or trying to help him.

Of course this doesn't mean “oh matthew is an amazing actor, he has everyone fooled”. I don’t think that’s true at all. I think people simply stopped paying attention to him. Or perhaps they don’t want to see something they don’t want to discover.

So, while Charlotte and Henry in a way failed Matthew, I think most people around him did/do as well.

7. I would never question their credibility as parents because I know for a fact that they raised Will and Jem at such a young age and they grew up to be amazing people. So, if something went wrong, I don’t think it’s because they are bad parents, but because they failed to find a balance or pay attention or realise how bad things are until they got very bad. So, “they shouldn't have had kids” isn't really fair (in my opinion) since they are good people and good role models. They simply took their responsibility for granted.

Having said all of this, I really do wish we could see something from or even about Henry or Charlotte. They are barely in the TLH books. And to be honest, I don’t think we have enough of Matthew content either - at least not enough of his pov.

Don’t apologise for ranting. You're always welcome here to talk about anything tsc related and share how you feel. I’m sorry there is a lot of Matthew hatred going on. But I am very pissed at him right now (understandably so I think) I don’t hate him and I don’t think I can ever will. I know there was some tension after coi ending. So, I hope people will eventually realise that this situation is more complex and not black/white as we want it to be.

Thank you talking about this though. I think this is something that had to be addressed.

I know this has been said by many, many people many many times. I think what needs to happen here is just proper, honest and straightforward communication. They NEED to talk to each other about their needs, feelings and expectations. If not, any solution is not going to be effective, not on the long-term.

#coi spoilers #matthew fairchild

44 notes · View notes

expiredfairydust · 4 years ago

Text

best friends ~ bubblegum rock/kazuleon || ft. nb gay! kaz || pt. 2

//tw: self hatred, kinda internalised homophobia, uncensored F slur bcoz the author can reclaim it//

a loud gasp forced the two to pull away from their kiss quickly, both of them quickly moving to look in the direction of where the noise had come from.

kazuichi went red due to embarrassment, noticing the unmistakable blonde hair of miss sonia darting away.

she had poked her head around the door to souda’s room - they never locked it in case leon wanted to come and cuddle - meaning to ask the pinkette if they’d been given any homework as she had been in first aid for most of the day before, unaware of what was happening between the mechanic and their crush.

and now she was running off, trying to give the pair privacy. souda, panicking because their illusion of heterosexuality was likely being broken, ran after her, calling “miss s-sonia! wait!! i-i swear it’s not what it looks like i’m s-sorry miss sonia you’re the only one i love i swear!!” they were crying for real now at the realisation that they had just ruined the one thing that was theirs.

the blonde suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned back to kazuichi. her face had an odd expression that kazuichi couldn’t read.

she put a hand over the mechanic’s mouth. “you do not understand souda, i do not care about you and kuwata’s relationship! in fact, i am glad because now you can leave me and miss fukawa to our relationship in peace - i was and still am rather disgusted at your lack of knowledge on personal boundaries but now i do not have to worry about that because you have no reason to!” she spoke slightly forcefully without meaning to. when she was done, she took her hand away and started walking off again.

“miss sonia!! i-i-i-“ kazuichi couldn’t gather their words, thousands of thoughts racing through their head. “we’re not dating... it was.. it was only a kiss....” they would mumble, more tears streaming down their face with every word. “i-it was all my fault anyways... i-i.. i was.. i was the one who kissed him and it was so so stupid of me because he’s the only person i have left and now he probably hates me for- for-“

their voice cracked and they couldn’t go on speaking, their legs giving way underneath them. “for being such a disgusting fucking faggot!! and-and-and i don’t blame him because i hate myself too!!” they were practically shouting now. “but dammit i love him so fucking much! so much, it hurts! god it feels like my heart is being ripped apart and i can’t fix it and i don’t know what to do and i hate that! and even if i could ever tell him properly i just know he’d hate me because who could ever like such a pathetic little FAG”

they didn’t know why they were telling all of this to miss sonia, maybe it was because they didn’t want her to think leon’s standards were so low as to date them. maybe they just needed to let everything out, needed to rant. because the moment they opened their mouth the words seemed to vomit out.

and once they were done ranting they ran off to the loos so they could actually vomit, as they often did out of distress. they ran to the far away disabled loos, on the opposite end of campus - they were the only public gender neutral loos on campus - so they wouldn’t have to face leon again, who they assumed was still in their room.

key word: assumed.

because leon had actually heard every word, only a few paces behind kazuichi during their confession. he had ran to try and take the mechanic in his arms, to say that it was okay because he loved them that way back. he had ran, just as kazuichi ran off.

meanwhile the princess was just happily beaming to herself, knowing that leon heard every word. she had successfully wingwomanned for the creep and the punk! it was a double win, as leon tended to flirt with touko as well as kazuichi’s horrible attempts to look straight by chasing after miss sonia herself. she made her way to her girlfriend’s dorm to tell her all about what she did.

leon’s thoughts were racing, as he tried to figure out what was even happening. kaz was in love with him... kazzy loved him back... but they thought that kiss was all their fault? as if leon hadn’t chosen to kiss them too? and now they thought he hated them? why? why would he kiss them if he hated them? god kazuichi was a dumb bitch at the best of times...

leon couldn’t help but smile through his tears, which he hadn’t noticed either.

kazuichi really loved him back..!

him!

but they thought leon felt the opposite...

right...

well, leon would just have to change that, he decided as he started looking for his best friend. he knew the mechanic got physically unwell when they were unwell, so he’d just have to check all the loos until he found the right one!

except kazuichi was nonbinary and relatively androgynous, so the baseball star had no clue which loos they’d be in, and he couldn’t exactly barge into the women’s loos checking to find his friend.

so, that meant he’d have to find ibuki, who had joined his band, and ask nya to check the girls’ loos while he checked the men’s and disabled loos. nya was also non binary, but at least she passed as a girl enough to enter the women’s loos.

it wasn’t hard, seeing as the noise they made made all over on the other side of the campus-

(conveniently close to one of the only gender neutral loos on campus)

-was loud enough to be heard in another country. leon was regretting leaving his ear plugs in kaz’s dorm, as he plugged his ears with his fingers and ran towards the sound.

“IBUKI!!!!” he yelled once he was in the practice room mioda was in.

“WHAT?!?”

“WHAT???”

“WHAT?!”

this was going to be tedious, leon thought, as he moved towards where everything was plugged in and unplugged the speakers.

ah, silence,,, at least it would’ve been if mioda wasn’t screeching at leon for what he did. “jesus christ calm down ibuki! i need you for something important” leon hissed, ibuki going completely quiet at the word “important” - void loved being helpful!

the bubbly musician sped off to search once leon explained what he needed. knowing nya, she’d probably check all the men’s loos too, void didn’t seem to get what made people so iffy about not sharing a bathroom with different genders.

but with that, leon got to looking too. and it wasn’t long before he heard the sound of sobbing in the disabled loos, accompanied by the sound of vomiting. well, there’s kaz...

he knocked on the door “kazzy?” he tentatively spoke. there was the click of the door being unlocked for leon to enter. he soon dropped to the floor, next to the pinkette, pulling them into his lap and holding them tightly. “shshshhh... i’m here kazzy...” the ginger would whisper sweetly into souda’s ear.

he held the younger student’s hair back as they puked again. “now how about you tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours?” he whispered, despite knowing already. he wanted kazuichi to say it again. to him, not to miss sonia.

but kaz didn’t want to talk. “it’s stupid” they said, snuggling against leon.

“if it’s stupid why don’t you say it?”

“coz you’ll hate me even more than you do for kissing you” their words were hard to understand through their tears.

“what makes you think i hate you? if i hated you, would i be here with you now? c’mon how about you wash your mouth out? all that puking must have left a horrible taste” leon spoke with a gentle tone, which was unlike him but comforting to the sobbing boy in his lap.

once almost all traces of puke had been ridden from the mechanic’s mouth, leon sat them on his lap again, holding them tightly. “how about you tell me what’s wrong now, eh kazzy?” he said sweetly, wiping his best friend’s tear stained cheeks with his sleeve.

“promise you won’t hate me?”

“pinky promise”

the pinkette drew a deep breath, getting ready to speak. then shook their head. “i-i can’t”

a realisation dawned upon leon then. this was his chance to reveal his own secret! “i’ll tell you something about me that i’ve been hiding if that would make you feel any better” a slow nod gave him the ok to speak.

“i’m intersex. when i was born the doctors told my mom and dad and they were.. well, i don’t know how they felt but i was forced into an opporation to make me “fully” male as a baby and all my life i’ve had to take medication to keep my hormones at a “normal male” level, which is odd coz i was never actually told that’s what it was for until recently” the ginger spoke, resting his head on kazuichi’s shoulder

“but, i want to stop taking my meds, i don’t want to be 100% a boy, and that decision kinda scares me in case people won’t accept it. in case you don’t accept it” he added after hesitating. “now do you wanna talk about your problem?” he wanted to change the subject.

kaz had gone quiet. then, after a few seconds they said. “it sounds silly now that you’ve told me how serious yours is... but- but-“ they paused to figure out the words they wanted to say. “i-i- i’m so sorry for kissing you! i had no right to do it and i-i- i didn’t even take the time to ask you if you wanted a kiss and- and- and- i’m so sorry i know you hate me for it and i don’t blame you because i totally deserve it” the words seemed to fall out quicker than kazuichi could think of them

“and i know you probably never want to see me again but if you could ever forgive me i’d really appreciate it because you’re the only friend i’ve got and i love you dude!” as those words came out, the pink haired mechanic started tearing up again. “i-i love you... i love you so much it hurts and i don’t know what i’d ever do without you but i totally understand if you hate me because how could you ever love someone who’s such a disgusting f-“

their words were cut off by leon kissing the shorter mechanic. it was a brief kiss, even shorter than their first, but the pure, raw emotion behind it was clear. love. reciprocated love.

“if i thought you were disgusting, why would i choose to kiss you twice? because now you know it sure as hell weren’t just you who wanted that first kiss” leon said simply, wiping the shorter guy’s tears away. “but i don’t still want to be friends,” he said, suddenly going cold, making the pinkette’s face drop. “i want to be boyfriends!” he said, making kazuichi start laughing with relief.

just as they were about to share another kiss, in barged mioda, yelling about how nya had found the pink haired mechanic, then once void noticed the ginger sat next to them and started yelling about how unfair it was that she had been looking all over for kazuichi for leon when the ginger was probably with them the whole time.

the couple smiled and sheepishly promised to make it up to the ultimate musician. the end.

#bubblegum rock #kazuleon #soudawata #kazuichi souda #leon kuwata #leon x kazuichi #kazuichi x leon #fanfic #dr fic #dr fanfiction #gay #nb gay #fag life fag life

20 notes · View notes

poussacha · 3 years ago

Text

Last night i needed my ex to take me to the pet store to get cat litter. He agreed, but while i was there i couldn't find one thing i needed and suggested going to another store i thought might have it. He went OFF.

Started calling me names, starting saying i was useless because i couldn't plan to anticipate my needs. Started raising his voice at me in the store.

I was originally going to buy a pair of slip on shoes (we were at tractor supply) because i have really bad back pain and I'm disabled. So i needed something i could slip on real quick to take my trash out or go water my outside plants. I've been wanting this for awhile because it's been a huge problem for me to have to bend down and go outside because my depression has immobilized me. Because living with hordes of my own garbage is better than dealing with the pain of having to put my shoes on.

He literally screamed at me to "get my shit together" because it is "not that hard to just put on shoes" and i need to stop being "so lazy". So i just shut down. When i get yelled at like that i just let my trauma response of being non-verbal take over. He continued to yell at me and scream in my face that I'm acting like a child. And that we broke up so he owes me less than nothing but he's been super accommodating and I'm taking advantage of him (I lost my car in a cyclone recently and it's been a pain in the ass to get the money from my insurance to buy another one).

My seasonal depression has been really bad this year. I'm struggling to get out of bed. All i do at work is dissociate. I can't concentrate on anything. It's a wonder i can still shower with how terrible i feel. I'm literally forcing myself to exist and it's really fucking hard. And him sitting in a car screaming at me that i just need to try harder and he's doing this from a place of love feels shitty.

He dropped me off after i calmly explained to him that i am very sorry for everything and i really appreciate everything he's done for me. Just to smooth it over so he'll stop fucking yelling. I've been through enough trauma, ok?

Then I collapsed on my bed and cried so hard my neighbor came and asked me if I was okay. Because I legitimately just wanted to die.

My abusive parents always used to tell me I was this huge burden on their lives and I needed to be sorry to even exist. I hate feeling like that. I hate having to rely on people to take me to work. I really, really wish I'd killed myself in February when I had to be hospitalised.

Like I'm not gonna actually do it. I can't leave my cats like that. I don't trust anyone else to love them like I do. But Jesus Christ my mental health is hanging on by a thread.

Then he called me and told me he was only worried about me and doing it for my own good because he knows I can be better. Then went and bought me boba and a waffle. Y'know, like abusers do.

Then came over and forced me to eat and left. I just wish I could stop existing. So I don't have to burden everyone with my problems.

Sorry to rant about it here. I literally don't have anyone who can help me. I just wanted to talk about it.

#tw: domestic abuse #tw: abuse #tw: ableism #tw: depression #tw: suicide #self

2 notes · View notes

hellyeahtrickster · 4 years ago

Text

It occurs to me that I have friends here that I don't have contact with in other spheres, so ... life update: my mother passed away unexpectedly last Friday. I'm doing as well as one would expect. Been going through her things as both a walk down memory lane and a goodbye. I keep coming across things she never got around to using, and it hits hard that now, she'll never have the chance. And I can't stop thinking of the stories we watched together that now she won't know the ending to, or shows I wanted to try with her. And then there's all the things we used to do together on the regular -- all the places I can never go with her to again. And all the places we wanted to go to "someday", but now she never will.

We were two weeks out from our second COVID shots, and 4 weeks from being totally vaccinated. We were finally going to get back to EPCOT, to see the Flower and Garden show. Finally going to get back to the Florida Mall. Going out to lunch. That I won't be doing this things with her anymore ... it's unfathomable. I can't wrap my head around it.

Thanks, anti-mask / anti-vaccine Covidiots, for prolonging the presence of this pandemic -- basically stealing the last year of my mother's life. She was anxious to see her elderly mother again, because we don't know how long *she* has left ... and now she never go to see her mother again. I knew losing my mom would happen someday, but my mother was relatively young yet, so I thought it would be a while ....

It doesn't help that she died after the second night on a new bed. See, she slept on her side all the time, what with the couch being narrow, but with a twin mattress, the bed was much wider. She snored a lot -- I highly suspect she had sleep apnea. When I found her the next morning, she was on her BACK. The doctor agreed that her cardiac arrest could have been caused by sleep apnea. In trying to make my mom more comfortable .... Yeah, I know, it's not my fault, but I cannot shake that thought away, that she's not here anymore because we tried to do something nice for her. How cruel the humour of the universe can be.

(I'd put the rest of this behind a cut, but I don't see that option anymore? Sorry!!)

And it REALLY doesn't help that, not only have I lost the person I was closest to, but now I am stuck alone with the person I least want to be with: my dad. I'm pretty liberal, and he's pretty conservative. We fight a LOT. We haven't really since mom died (things got a little tense here and there, but not like we usually are) ... but I know it won't last. It can't -- not when he believes BLM are terrorists, or that gays have an agenda. And now he keeps wanting to do things with me, like watch my shows, and a petulant part of me is like, no, this is mom's territory -- stay out. I don't want to do anything with him. (Especially since I know he'll start ranting once the shows start talking about racism and homophobia.)

My parents always had a volatile relationship. Mom didn't know you could get pregnant the first time, and when she found out she was pregnant, her Catholic family bullied her into marrying him.* And he cheated on her at LEAST once (with a girl who was only a few years older than me at the time -- I was 15, she was 19, he was 33). My mother was far from perfect, so I don't blame all the marital problems on him. But my point is they were married "in name only" for about the last 25 years, so it's ... offensive to me now that he would dare to act bereaved.

I know he can be hella manipulative, make himself seem generous so as to be loved, and then turn on you like a viper, getting irrationally angry. I can't drive, we live in a very rural area with no public trans, there are no friends or fam less than an hour away, I've had next to no job for the last 17 years, I barely feel like a functional human being (am coming to seriously suspect I have ADHD and Dyscalculia; I have diabetes and suspect have PCOS and a thyroid problem; all these things having strong interconnections; and I have no insurance, nor do I qualify for aid, thanks to living in Florida), and I feel utterly trapped. There's a reason Rapunzel is my fave princess. I've had bad experiences with cabs, so using Uber / Lyft kind of terrifies me. Plus, he'd want to know where I'm going, and likely either insist on coming too, or insist I can't go, because his house, his money, his rules. The ONLY time each year I get away is when I go to Dragon Con (and I'm worried he might forbid that in the future -- he has once before).

And then there's the problem of ... he has no one. As much as I can't stand him, he lost his job because of COVID, he's lost his wife, he has no real friends (total homebody), and like it or not, he has supported me financially for so long. Even if someone else were to take me in, or I can get a job and save to leave ... how can I leave him (a person with severe rheumatoid arthritis / in not-great health)? I owe him too damn much, and I feel like it would be entirely callous of me. Yes, I realise that that's the abuse talking, but ... it's also true?

Anyway, I feel like I'm on Sliders, and keep stepping into progressively worse timelines.

* Let me mention that I have long suspected my mother is -- was -- on the autism spectrum, but when I mentioned it to one of her sisters, the sister seemed skeptical, saying that if anything, mom had a penchant for reading out loud, so they thought maybe she had a reading disability, and took her to a specialist, but "that's it". (Mom was in "remedial" classes through high school, so it doesn't sound like they did enough -- and maybe couldn't because the science just wasn't there.) I explained that mom frequently seemed to have trouble grasping concepts, especially humour. Like when a radio ad featured someone reciting a love-letter to a tomato, she was all, "That's stupid -- tomatoes can't read!" Try as I might, I could not get her to understand that the love letter was a playful way to tell US about what makes the tomato so good.)

Anyway, when I talked to my grandmother recently, she said that my mom "always had a special way of looking at things," and that she guessed mom was "what do they call it -- neuro-something? 'Aspie'? High-functioning, but still." And I told my cousin about it, and he said, "Wait, I thought it was common knowledge in our family that your mom was autistic?" (Note: we have other, officially diagnosed family members who are on different areas of the spectrum.) People always commented when I was growing up that it was like my mom's role and mine was reversed -- like I was the parent, and she was the child.

But to think my family had *recognised* that something was up, and left me, a child, to deal with it on my own?? To think they *pressured* someone who was "special" into having a child?

I know my mom loved me, but my whole life, she said she wished I'd never been born, and so she'd never have married my dad -- I know both can be true, that she loved me but wished she'd never had me (she'd have never known what she was missing). She only survived her marriage because I was there; I've always felt she'd have had a better life if she hadn't married him. When she tried to leave him, her mother would not take her in, because divorce was against her mother's Catholic beliefs (never mind that my uncle divorced twice)

I loved my mother, but were fought a lot, and she frequently exasperated me as we struggled to communicate. She frequently left words out, but did not believe that she did; when we met her last PCP the first time, he looked at me and said, "Is she always like this, or is she having a stroke?" And she would always angrily proclaim that I wasn't listening, when most of the time, it's that I couldn't get her to understand that she was working from a misconception or misunderstanding in the first place, because she would focus on ONE THING, to the exclusion of all else.

An example of an exchange (copied from a letter I wrote to a friend): We got into a weird argument yesterday. She had asked me for pain reliever, a glass of tap water (you're supposed to drink a full glass of water with the pills), and a "cold water" from the fridge (it's too cold to drink it all at once, but we both prefer ice water in general). Later, I was picking stuff up from her table-tray, including a bottle of pain reliever, and put a bunch of stuff away. When I passed by again, she asked for more cold water. I happened to look as see that she had the tap water glass still full, even though she had asked tor it half an hour before. I asked if I needed to bring the pain pill bottle back, because she hadn't drunk the tap water yet -- had I taken the pill bottle too soon, or had she forgotten to drink the water? She was all, "no, I said I need COLD water!" I said I knew that, and I would bring it; I was just asking of she had taken her pills already, or if I needed to bring the pill bottle back too. Her (again): "I said I need COLD WATER!" Me: "I know, and I will bring that -- I just want to know why you haven't drunk the tap water yet? Did you take your pills?" Her: "No, I'll take them at bed!" Me: "So I should bring back the pill bottle? Did I put it away too early?" Her: "YOU DON'T LISTEN! I SAID I NEED COLD WATER!" Me: "And I said I will bring that -- I'm just asking if you also need your pain pills?" Her: "You already took the bottle!! Did you forget that already?"

And then I finally spotted the white pain pills on the napkin under the tap-water glass, so I knew that no, I didn't need to bring it. But it's a frequent struggle to figure out how to phrase questions so I get the answer I need -- nearly every time, I get her screaming at me that I don't listen.

She loved me, but she was never mothering. She hated to be touched, so never hugged me; I was pretty touch-starved. I learned to read because she was a very slow reader when reading me stories; I got impatient and learned to do it for myself. She couldn't help me with my homework. She resented having to take me to school recitals and science fairs. She wasn't someone I could get advice from. I admit I was often envious of characters who had physically-loving, compassionate, wise mother-figures (who weren't so binary about morality -- and so weren't always screaming that this or that character should die, no matter how small the transgression).

But I wish she were still here to frustrate me -- that's so much better than not having her at all. And I wish I had been better at keeping my temper.

She was an atheist, and firm in that belief. Maybe she's right, or maybe her firm belief is affecting me, because I would dream frequently about others I have loved and lost, and swear I feel them, but with her ... nothing. Just a gaping hole in the fabric of my waking life, threatening to suck all the light and hope into it.

#mine #rant #personal #tw: death #cw: death #the death of my mom #my mom

6 notes · View notes

weaselbeaselpants · 4 years ago

Text

That Krispy Cat: A Warning, part 3

The last of the images cause I don’t want this bitch on my computer anymore.

Knowing tumblr I kept the images hidden JUUUUST in case no one reads the fine print and can’t tell I’m being critical of this and gets me in trouble.

VVV ((Just in case you thought the JewishGriffon piece assured everyone that Crispy couldn’t POSSIBLY hate people of color, some of her earliest Nazi art had her character Klaus beating up Amigo Bear. She also made Amigo into a liberal strawman. )) VVV

((Dialogue to one of her TROLLARIOUS pictures that featured Amigo:

Amigo Bear: *muttering* "Your leader was a !@#$% little #@%^!@$^*!, you fascist feather duster..." General Klaus: "Fräulein, Ich vant you to cover your ears und shut your eyes as tight as you can." Crispy: "How come, General?" General Klaus: "Klaus ist about to say und do very bad sings zhat he does not vant his little Edelweiß to see or hear." Crispy: "Alrighty!" General Klaus: "WHO SAID ZHAT ABOUT DER FÜHRER? WER DIE FICK GESAGT? WHO'S ZUH SCHLEIMIG LITTLE COMMUNIST-SCHEISS SCHWANZLUTSCHER DOWN ZHERE, WHO JUST SIGNED HIS OWN DEATH VARRANT? NIEMAND?! GOTTVERDAMMT STALIN SAID IT! HERVORRAGEND! VHICH VUN OF YOU VANTS TO BE ZUH FIRST TO FIND OUT ZUH HARD VAY VHY MEIN FEINDE CALLED MIR DER BUTCHER BIRD?" ))

^^^ ((BUTOPHERARTISGOODSOYOUCAN’TCOMPLAIN

also the disc. for this pic before it was deleted had a ‘joke’ about cooking Jews in ovens. Oh and yes, that IS Hitler she’s giving that ugly ass cupcake too.))

^^^ (( - Thanks dA I never would have known I had a notifications unless eclipse blah -

This is one of her rants about how #Triggered she is that Starlight be compared to the Nazis when she runs a communist cult. Because A) that’s the real problem here and B) I too get upset when people say my OC is based on Jeffrey Dahmer when he’s so CLEARLY based on Ed Gein, Bwwwaaaah D> D> D> !)) ^^^

VVV ((Ugly art of her friend’s awful OCs.)) ^^^

VVV ((Crispy showing off why no one wants to be a patriot in our country.)) VVV

((FYI, Crisp, that attitude will make the Hamilton fans stronger so just keep that SJW-flinging coming you little SJW.

WHAT?! Social Justice is a broad term and as Crispy’s plainly demonstrated, you can circle it around and make a majority-class sound like the real underprivledged if you have enough fancy frou frou know-how and furries. Also, if a Social Justice Warrior constitutes someone who takes their cause soooo seriously that they’re annoying/petting/cruel/stupid about it....idk I think Crispy qualified.))

^^^ ((Crispy and her friend muse about what other races occupy the world of MLP in her headcanon. This, more than any other dA disc. and picture shows you her brand of “Segregationist-Nationalism is OKAY” thinking, cuz the art of these different races isn’t super offensive or cruel and neither are the characters. BUT if you scratch under the surface you’ll find that Crispy really likes these different people staying in their place and not in “someone else’s” country.

THEN, this same kind of thinking is used to convince you any mix of cultures is just cultural appropriation, again acting like she and her Nazi-stans are the only ones standing up to actual bigotry.)) VVV

^^^ ((Crispy makes the world a worse place by bringing up actual decent points; like how Americans dress Thanksgiving up as progressive and for the natives when we all know that’s not true...all to better her worldview.

fyi, GET OUT whenever you see a selfproclaimed Nazi fawn over Native Americans, because: Nazi Germany had a deep fascination with American Indians and used their struggles about their land being taken away from them to justify their eugenic genocide.)) ^^^

^^^ (( Crispy laughing it up on Furaffinity how she couldn’t be banned from her Furaffinity and then mysteriously never using her site there wowie.)) ^^^

^^^ (( Crispy complaining about SOPA cause her freedom of speech and blahblahblah.

Freedom of Speech is important. Unfortunately what people like Crispy don’t understand or care for is there’s no freedom of consequence. )) vvv

VVV ((LOL Joseph Mengele was such a stinkah let’s tell blithe jokes about him. At least WE AREN’T LIKE HIM!!!)) VVVV

VVV ((Early onset eugenic BS from her Spyro stuff that would be easy to miss if you didn’t know what this woman was talking about)) VVV

((Crispy admitting she thinks gays are pointless cuz they don’t reproduce but apparently loves them anyway. Also big shock Crispy’s seen Hetalia.)) VVV

VVV ((Crispy probably wanting Weeaboos to attack her cuz aren’t Japan’s animations so laaaaaaazy?!!?!? GUUdd think’ I’m a naziaboo! Germany’s never made any shitty animation evah. You know what, I lied. She doesn’t deserve Hetalia. She just doesn’t.)) VVVV

VVV ((Crispy dragging Brazil down with her as the apparent “Best South American Country”. Yikes.)) VVV

VVV ((More “it’s trolling ergo it’s not harmful” shit. Bulgarians probably do deserve their own Care Bears, but they certainly don’t want yours Crispy.)) VVV

VVV ((Disc. for her Richard Spencer bear art)) VVV

------

I know, I know...this isn’t what you wanted to read today, guys. I know it’s offensive and I’m sorry if it made you ill. I also know I’m putting my own blog under fire by showing these images here but I think that should say something about dA’s bad policies that this art gets a filter slapped on it and nothing more when the artist is blatantly pro-fascist.

Crispy resonates with me so much - and no it’s not cause I DARED to be “triggered”.

It’s because, for one, she was talented. I MEAN I HAVE EYES! That’s some nicely drawn digital stuff I’m not gonna deny. She had some cool rewrites and sequel ideas that, had it come from someone else I would have eaten up and faved to hell and back onceupona2012. But I didn’t, where a ton of MLP and furry fans did because they undervalued their own talents and would say “well it’s pretty who cares about the message?”

Unlike so many commercial+published artists, it’s REALLY hard to separate the art from the artist here because the artist is so connected and a part of her art and storytelling. If you fav her art, even if you didn’t like her, that was telling Crispy she’d won. It’s so defeating to have other artists say their gonna ignore their gut for the sake of prettypretty-Don-Bluth style art. And yes, that stigma DOES affect my view on 2D purists btw.

Crispy was so holier than thou’, and that attitude also was appealing to dA folks, not to mention her knowledge of art history by the time she dropped off the radar. Crispy was the kind of person who’d make long, detailed, justified rants against the design and color choices in Hazbin Hotel and then a bunch of antis would eat her redesigns up only to learn the awful truth later and embarrass themselves cuz they were so taken up by the craft they didn’t know they were reblogging a fucking Nazi.

Not to underplay Viv’s wrongdoings of course, but I’m sorry; the two aren’t comparable on the problematic artist meter. THAT’S HOW BAD CRISPY WAS.

If this somehow was just a faze and she’s come to her senses or doesn’t really think this shite she preaches...I don’t care. She said some vile shit and fuck no I’m not forgiving her. It’s like KenDraw or Shadman. You’ve changed your life around and realized you’ve done/drawn nasty shit that’s done real harm? Cool....I’m still not talking or ever promoting you, ya dingbat. You ain’t no Roman Polanski or Doug Tennaple. You’re a singular internet artist and any support of the project has to go to you - and you suck!

ThisCrispyKat was a wakeup call that showed me these people not only still exist but will be allowed to get away with it. I was very touchy bout this kind of thing back in the day. Fuck, I STILL AM TOUCHY. The rabbit holes I found thanks to Crispy opened up to reveal communities where people think my hair color’s going extinct. People would detail how much they wanted to rape me - a natural blonde - and kill my friends and family for not looking like me. That they want to jerk off in my naturally curly hair and see me in glowy German princess gowns preparing them dinner.

Crispy and other Nazistans would look at me; a blond-haired blue eyed Polish/German American woman and think I need to be “fixed” because I DARE to repeat propaganda that the Nazis were bad. They’d call me a traitor for thinking that celebrating the Nazi party ISN’T German pride.

HOW DARE YOU TELL ME THAT’S GERMAN PRIDE! I’LL SHOW YOU GERMAN PRIDE YOU EGOSTROKING-LIMPDICKED ATTENTION WHORES.

People like Crispy make it 1000x harder to actually show interest in German things. Because I AM interested in German shit btw.

Like for real: it’s a country I’d love to visit one day (at least the black forest, which is where my mom’s fam comes from). I love German art and German fairytales slap. I really do want to explore my heritage through art and stuff.

But guess what? Much as Crispy would argue to the contrary I DO know my WWII history and beyond and FUCK YOU if you honestly think jerking it to cuddly Nazi-furs is empowering or just “showing your interest in history”. Take your own advice and read a god-damn book.

TL;DR: I DO NOT have to be proud of Nazis to enjoy German culture and if you think otherwise, FUCK YOU. It’s a slap in the face to everyone even if you are ‘just trolling’ and it in no way values actual German’s feeling on the matter. It’s annoying how people undervalue real people just for the sake of fan art.

The Nazis were evil. They were racist, eugenic-genocidal idiots who killed over six million Jewish people, Romani, Slavs, Jehovahs Witnesses, disabled people, Poles, homosexuals and prisoners of war. They would have killed my dad’s side of the family if they were in Poland at the time. They made bullshit tanks that killed the people making them and didn’t work on the battlefield. Their leader was a fat, farting one-testicaled bastard who preferred animals to people.

They ruined everything for everyone and then took the easy way out, leaving the Germans that were left in the hands of the also-genocidal Soviets and Americans. Germany is still paying their war debts and now, 70-80 years later everyone else wants to laugh off this dark period of history with memes and forget what they did, and as such, are forgetting the victims of the genocide.

I have 0 tolerance for Nazi things for the sake of HUMANITY, let alone the individual groups they target. I don’t have to have German ancestry or know a single Jewish person to tell you any of this. It’s fucking history.

Eat shit.

#tw: nazi #tw: neonazi #tw: swastika #tw: antisemitism #cultural appropriation #kimba the white lion #thiscrispykat #altright #classic spyro #My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic #balto #animals of farthing wood

20 notes · View notes

queerprayers · 5 years ago

Note

hi, i'm the anon who asked if we could send spiritual questions. what do you think of the exclusivity of the church, meaning only christians can be saved? i see people talking about how Jesus is the only way to heaven, but i cant reconcile a God, who is written as infinitely loving, that would send someone away because they weren't christian, no matter their action on earth. plus, in acts 15:1-12, peter argues that you dont need to he circumcised (a member of the jewish church) (1)

to be saved, for “we believe that we are saved through the grave of the Lord Jesus, in the same way as they.” i grew up in a large muslim community, so this has been bugging me for a while. my best friend of 10 years is muslim, but since 9th grade she has been seriously working to become a doctor and save lives. i just cant believe she would go to hell. theologian karl rahner talks about anonymous christianity, in which non-christians can be saved. what are your thoughts? sorry for the rant (2)

Hi, thanks for asking! I’m always here to be ranted to :) This is a super complicated topic and has been talked a lot about, so I’m just gonna share some of my thoughts and some quotes by other people and the Bible. I’m gonna be quoting Rachel Held Evans (I’m gonna abbreviate her name REH) a lot because she’s been integral in the evolution of my faith. You should check her out! It’s great that you brought up Karl Rahner - I love his thoughts on this topic.

First of all, it’s great that you’re having these questions! Questioning things we’ve been taught or have seen/read is so important and if my faith hadn’t evolved, I don’t know where I would be.

Here’s a quick summary of the problem (you’ve mentioned it, but I’m just putting it down): We know God is love. We’ve been taught that Jesus is the only way to heaven. We might have been taught that everyone else will burn in hell. How can we reconcile this with our love of our neighbors and our knowledge of the beauty in people of all faiths and cultures?

Is [the] profession [of Christianity] enough to save [someone]? Is it worth more to God than the faith of a Buddhist or Hindu or Muslim who practices kindness and compassion? -REH

Reconciling two pieces of knowledge/belief is something that queer Christians are asked to do just so we can exist peacefully, so I’ve got practice (and you might too)! Believing in God and the world and ourselves can feel oppositional sometimes. And we’ll never truly get it right. But it’s not about getting it right. It’s about trusting the process and it’s about love.

As best as I can explain it, here are my beliefs (mixed with some others’ opinions):

The easy answer is it’s not up to us to know. To love your best friend, as God loves her, you don’t have to be a theological expert or a saint. You just have to love. Everything will be revealed to us eventually. But that’s not enough for us, is it? The knowledge that it’s up to God isn’t satisfying because we’re humans. We’re curious and worried. And how can we love freely if we think our friends are going to hell?

If salvation is available only to Christians, then the gospel isn’t good news at all.-REH

I believe that God is infinitely loving and has infinite grace. God would never let someone loving and good go to hell. I don’t think being saved is about knowing everything. It’s not about following a list of rules or being able to recite Bible verses or going to church every Sunday. It’s about being close to God. It’s about looking for “the piece of God that is inside each of us,” as Mary Oliver said. Following rules and reciting Bible verses and going to church helps many of us grow closer to God! That’s what those things should be doing! But that is not the only way to God. And if we’d only look around with love, we’d know this.

God is not found in churches or synagogues or holy books. God is not found in the hearts of the most fervent believers. God is found between people. -Martin Buber

While the Bible teaches that people are justified by faith, it does not stipulate how much a person needs to know about God to be saved… . People who have no knowledge of the Law but who “do instinctively the things of the Law” will be judged not on the basis of how much they know but on the basis of how they respond to their conscience. (Romans 2:9-16) We are not saved by information. We are saved by restored relationship with God, which might look a little different from person to person, culture to culture, time to time. -REH

Being a Christian … isn’t about agreeing to a certain way; it is about embodying a certain way. It is about living as an incarnation of Jesus, as Jesus lived as an incarnation of God. -REH

We do know that no person can be saved except through Christ. We do not know that only those who know Him can be saved by Him. -C. S. Lewis

I’m a Christian. I believe being a Christian is the best way to grow closer to God. But who am I to tell other people how they should grow closer to God? Who am I to say that people who can’t read, or people with mental disabilities who don’t think the same as neurotypical people, or people who have never heard of Jesus, can’t be saved? Why would God create so many peoples and religions and cultures and then point to some of us and say, only these people, who have grown up in the right places or had the right privileges, can be saved?

So on this, I say, is your friend close to God? Does she embody life the way God wants us to? These might not be questions that you can answer. It’s not your job to judge that. But it doesn’t matter what she calls God or how she worships God, only that she is close to God. (Also, Muslims worship the God of Abraham! She isn’t as far away from Christians as you might think.)

(On another note, I hate the term “exclusivity of the church” (no offense to anyone’s beliefs)! Nothing about God is exclusive! God and love are for everyone!)

Now, here’s where my beliefs get pretty Lutheran and personal: I don’t think anyone’s going to hell. I think we’ll all be saved. This is crazy to a lot of people! That’s ok! But I thought I might as well mention this because it’s important to me:

We are saved by grace. Not by what we do or how we love or how good of a Christian we might be. We’re saved because God loves us. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do good things and love others and strive to be good Christians. But it means that even if we fail at these things, we are welcomed into God’s eternal love.

I believe hell is the state of being in God’s eternal love but not being able to accept it. I could talk about this forever, but this is already so long… Let me know if you want more thoughts on heaven and hell and how we’re all welcomed, it’s just whether we choose to be welcomed. Being loved by God but not wanting to be probably feels like fire, probably feels like burning and abandonment.

We just need to learn to let God in, and we will be saved. On earth and in heaven. Amen.

I wish you and your friend all the best and I hope that you both grow close to God, whatever that means for each of you.

You’re welcome to send me asks or messages anytime on here, or DMs on Instagram (@queer.prayers).

- Johanna

p.s. - if you’re reading this (whether you’re the anon or not), feel free to comment/discuss/argue (nicely)! These are just some thoughts I’ve collected that I believe, and I know there are so many different beliefs out there. If you’re the anon, check out the notes at some point to see if anyone has shared their thoughts!

#Anonymous #i know this is a bit long but !!#had a lot of thoughts #my posts #asks

34 notes · View notes

queennicoleinboots · 5 years ago

Text

I Hate This Planet, part 2

She shrugged. "Thank you. I have to make arrangements for Jamie's care while I am off this planet," she said as she left the room.

Jasper laughed. "Great! We have a deal. Now let me get back to work," he said.

Will do," I said as I chuckled and hung up the phone.

"Please do. Jamie drives me fucking nuts!" Godiva said as she walked away.

"Jamie drives me fucking nuts, too!!! Always has ever since I was fucking conceived. There hasn't been one goddamn day of my life that he hasn't irked me in some shape or form. FUCK," Peter said as he slapped his monitor. "I'd like to throw this computer out of the window of the ship as soon as I leave this PIECE OF SHIT PLANET!!!!!" He sung the word, "planet."

"Would you like to design the website before or after you leave the planet?" I asked.

"AFTER," Peter said with a smile. "But not before my novel drives me completely bat shit CRAZY! Who knew a Wizard of Oz spoof would be so hard to write! What the fuck?!"

"As you yell randomly every day of your life, Peter, writing is hard man!" I answered.

"You got that right. Damn it all to hell. Nothing ever goes as you plan it. Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!" Peter yelled as he threw his hands in the air repeatedly.

I agreed with that statement more than ever. So I said "Fuck it," finished my job there, and attempted to see Mr. Williamson.

--------------------------------------------------

I was trying to figure how I was going to ask him to join us on our intergalactic journey the fuck out of here. I had to tell him that Pain-in-the-ass Peter, Joke-ridden Joebear, and Jaded Jasper were going to be on the ship with me. I also had to tell him about the animals and Gentle Godiva.

I heard a car coming up his driveway. All seemed normal until I heard Mr. Williamson yelling, "Yes! I can carry a leaning tower of food! I'm not weak. I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM!!!!"

My ears perked up before I saw Jewel, his angry wife, walk past me to and try to find her house keys.

"Hey Zara. How are you? I'm sorry. Today has been too much. My husband assumed I was picking on him. I'm just trying to help," she said as she was exasperated.

"I know the feeling. My husband AND my pain in the ass boss treat me the same way," I said.

"Hey, Mr. Williamson, do you need help with the food. It's leaning over," Ted the Alligator asked.

"No! I don't need help! I know it's leaning. I can feel it's leaning! I've been carrying food all my life! I can walk, run, jump, skip, carry food, AND do math!" Mr. Williamson yelled as he carried the food without assistance with no trouble at all.

I cracked up and held my abdomen.

"Oh dear, here we go," Jewel said as she rolled her brown eyes behind square-framed glasses as she struggled to find the house keys.

Mr. Williamson was walking toward us. "I have a vision problem! I have a vision problem! I don't have a mental problem! I don't have a physical problem! I can lift weights, move objects, carry 100 pounds, I've been carrying food all my life! NO I DON'T Need help carrying my food!" he continued to rant.

I continued to laugh hysterically and began rocking back and forth. Among Jasper, Joebear, Peter, and Mr. Williamson, I lost five pounds while laughing that day. Jewel turned her head to the side and grinned as she tried not to laugh. Ted was cracking up as he followed Mr. Williamson.

"I could do more than you can!" Mr. Williamson yelled as he walked toward the front door. "I'll even open the front door! I can do that! I can withstand the wind! I'm not going to get knocked over if someone tries to push me over. I use my cane because I have a VISION problem!!!!"

Ted rolled on the ground and laughed. Jack the Crocodile came around the corner and looked confused.

"What's going on?" Jack the Crocodile asked.

"I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM! And I could open the front door if I had the keys. Jewel, the keys should be in the left pocket of your purse! I can remember things. I'm not disabled! I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM!!!!" Mr. Williamson ranted.

"Answers my question," Jack said as he laughed.

Jewel fished through her purse and found her keys. "There they are! You're right, Brandon," she said with a smile as she handed him the keys.

He took the keys and unlocked the door. "Good Jesus! I can use keys to open doors. Hell, I can HOLD THE DOOR OPEN for you, too!" He continued to rant.

I continued to laugh as I walked in the door. "Thank you, Mr. Williamson."

"I'm not going to fall if someone SHOVES ME!" He continued before acting like he was falling. "I can stand on my own two feet!"

Jewel walked through the door and cracked up.

He closed the door behind us and continued, "I'm sorry. It's just overwhelming dealing with people asking me if I need help all the time."

"I can imagine," I said with a laugh.

"Anyway, how are you?" he asked.

"Ugh. Stressed out about Peter as usual. He is such a spoiled brat. But Jasper is building a space ship to get my small group of friends off of this planet. The problem is, Peter wants off the planet because he is stressed out about his dad. So, Peter is paying $200 to Jasper to get on the ship while he is tied up. Joebear is also coming along because he is stressed out about the government shutdown. Would you like to come along?" I said.

"YES! I'm stressed out about people THINKING I'M DISABLED!" he yelled.

Ted burst through the door. "Can we come? I'm stressed out about Cody, my arch nemesis?"

Jack followed him and said, "Please? I'm stressed out the Democratic party not letting Trump build a wall to keep out Mexicans who can't climb."

"Sure! It would be fun to torture Peter. You guys can bite Peter's toes and fingers," I said.

Mr. Williamson laughed. "Hey Jewel. I'm leaving Earth soon. Want to join?"

"Are you crazy?! I ain't leaving Earth. You can go, but I'm staying here. Send a post card," she answered.

"Okay, I will, dear," Mr. Williamson said.

--------------------------------------------------

After I finished my job with Mr. Williamson, I went to see Jasper. Jasper was banging on the gigantic space ship he was building in his backyard. He was grunting and pounding the metal.

"Fuck you, Wynona! Even when you're dead, you're a pain in my ass! I can't delete evidence that you existed. Thirty-five years of torture! What a waste! Bullshit!" he screamed as he built his space ship.

Wynona was his wife for 35 years of agony. This was the same woman who sung "Where the fuck is the corn?" in Publix a year ago before a disgruntled mail carrier ran her over in her own living room. Many bad memories were revolved around her and her living room.

Murphee, Jasper's black lab, Irish setter, and chow mix, sung opera to alert Jasper of my coming. "Figaro Figaro Figaro! She is here, Jasper!"

"Thank you, Murphee," he said as he continued to beat the metal into submission. "Get the fuck on there, you piece of shit. I have to get the fuck out if here!"

"Hello Jasper," I said as I cracked up.

"Hey Xara. Can you hand me that drill? I can't get this screw into this hole. Always some bullshit," Jasper spoke.

I handed him the drill. "I appreciate this, Jasper," I said.

"Well, as much as I'd like to be myself, I figured I'd make some space bucks by having you and your friends come along. If it were just you and me, it would be free, but I know how much you like having other assholes around," he said before he drilled the screw into the metal.

"True. My life would feel empty if I weren't causing pain and suffering to others," I said as I observed Jasper building the chassis for the space ship.

"That's true," he said. "Your friends are fucked up. At least all I would have to deal with is your friends. Not the rest of assholes."

"My friends are the biggest assholes in the world. You're a complete asshole. Peter is a total asshole. Joebear has his asshole moments. Mr. Williamson can be an asshole at times. Ted and Jack are assholes, too," I said.

"Who the fuck are Ted and Jack?" he asked as he was playing blacksmith with one of the metal panels of the ship.

"An alligator and a crocodile, respectively," I said.

"What?! Why am I letting an alligator and a crocodile on my space ship?" Jasper asked with an exasperated sigh. "That's suicide!"

"Nah. They are civil to everyone except Peter," I said.

"Fuck Peter. Let them on for free!" Jasper said loudly.

Murphee walked over to us and started talking, "What? Dad! You can't let large reptilian beasts on our ship! That's ridiculous! We're trying to get away from dumb shit like that!" He growled.

"The hell I can't. If Peter is coming along, so are they!" Jasper said.

"Damn. I guess they are coming. I can't resist Peter's sexy smell. I don't know how Tug doesn't constantly hump his legs," Murphee said.

"At least I get to see Peter get tortured by swamp beasts," Jasper said.

"Always a pleasure to see," I said.

Jasper laughed. "Any time Peter is being tormented, I'm a happy guy!" he said as he was building the ship and grinning widely.

All of a sudden, one of the parts of ship broke off into a million pieces.

He walked over and just stared at it. All of a sudden, he let out a blood-curdling scream.

I jumped back.

"I have to reorder the part! I have to reorder the part! Okay! Okay! Okay!" Jasper stared at the pieces with wide eyes and was hyper ventilating. "It was an expensive part, too."

I chuckled. "I'm sorry. I take it the venture off this planet will be delayed?" I asked.

"YES!!!!! It's always something!!!!" Jasper yelled. "You know what?! I'm going to go to my computer and order that part again. Then once I order the part, I am going to destroy my already rotting pool deck." Jasper had a frustrated grin on his face as he went to his computer.

We searched for the part online. Jasper kept saying, "Nope!" and shaking his head because he couldn't find the right part. Murphee barked and panted periodically. I pet Murphee and playbeat him.

While Jasper was saying "Nopenopenopenope!!!" and slamming his fist into the computer desk periodically, Murphee and I playfully wrestled.

When Jasper finally found the part, he said, "Son of a bitch! Only the Czech Republic makes these parts!!! I GUESS I'LL ORDER FROM THERE!!!!"

As he was ordering, he was saying, "Okay! Okay! Okay!' repeatedly.

I couldn't help but giggle.

"Two fucking weeks! I gotta wait two fucking weeks! Okay! Let's order this goddamn part!" he said as he ordered the part.

When he finished the order, he turned off his computer and had a frustrated smile plastered on his face. "I'm going to chop holes into my pool deck now so that I don't go on a murdering spree!" he announced.

"And I'll just do my job..." I said.

At that point, Jasper and I went our separate ways and were hoping we could get off this planet sooner than later.

3 notes · View notes

piracytheorist · 7 years ago

Note

1) I must say I live for your reviews. I love them. Mainly because I always agree with you. I like your idea of heroes eventually using the amulet on Gothel in the need of saving Rogers' life. And I would like Rumple to be involved in this too, bc I live for Rumple-Hook or Colin-Robert and I'd love to see Rumple's end somehow guaranteeing KnightRook's happiness. I liked the episode as the whole, but there are some things I can't get over. I've never liked Zelena,

I love how I kept reading the parts, and was nodding at them and thinking of stuff to write as a response, and then at the end I see your nickname and was, oh, the Traveler Flutist! Welcome back! I missed you

I’ll put the parts separately here so it’s clearer what I’m talking about ;)

Thank you so much! My reviews are mostly me babbling about everything I have things to say about the episodes, so I’m happy when people like them and want to discuss them with me!

I think it would be just if Gothel died to save someone else… and not entirely on her own will. She’s not just a villain, she’s a bad person overall and hasn’t done one single good thing for as long as we know her. She’s willing to sacrifice innocent people’s lives for her cause - said cause is also bad - so I think her comeuppance could be something related to that.

I have to admit that though I was one of the biggest fans of the Gold/Hook foetp… I’m not that excited over most of their interactions this season. Perhaps it’s because they haven’t had the chance to actually have an emotional relationship - I mean, I loved/hated it when Weaver made a jab at Rogers’ disability in 7x02, I loved it when Rogers was so angry at Weaver that he pushed him against a wall, I even liked it when Weaver admitted to him that he wants to be reunited with his wife, but scenes that have no emotional impact, like the ones in 7x11… I mean, look at 2x11. Gold and Hook being absolutely furious at each other, shouting, fighting… okay that was Gold kicking Hook’s ass but still - and now having mundane scenes where the characters are just doing exposition is a bit of a downer for me :/ But I hope we get some more development… they ought to show us why Alice stayed with Rumpelstiltskin, and how Killian grew to be ok with that despite their past.

I just had the thought that since the Guardian is supposed to be a person who would sacrifice their own happiness for someone else’s… perhaps that’s exactly what the Dark One needs to do for them. If Alice is the Guardian of course, that would mean that if Killian dies then Rumpelstiltskin would exchange his life for his… plus I haven’t forgotten that the reason he is still a Dark One is because he took advantage of OG Killian’s sacrifice, so it would be meaningful if he died protecting/saving the other Killian :P

I’ve never liked Zelena, but this season she seems better to me. However I can’t enjoy her ‘Nook’, bc of the way it was used.

Yeah, as I said, I’m mostly annoyed by how they tried to redeem her. I liked her as a villain, and I’m okay with her now, but the transition from one place to the other was… pretty bad for me. I have the feeling that the nickname “Nook” rose to have very differing opinions among the fandom, some of which come from places that are very hateful towards Hook and, well, I don’t even wanna know. I mean, I hate the “handless wonder” remark but there are Hookers who loved it, so…

Like you said, the others never seem to appreciate nor acknowledge Killian’s intelligence. Instead they are always mocking him. Do others have a problem? Sure, Killian Jones is instantly here for them, even if it means he’s gonna lose something of his own happiness. But now,when they all know about his problem, if they actually address it, it’s just dull words like ‘You will find the solution.’ I know it’s plot and they’re dragging all this plot till the end of the series, but c'mon. Also Killian Jones is a punching bag for almost everybody. I’ve never seen any character being treated like that all the time. I mean yes, I like it, but it’s only bc Colin does angst and pain SOOO believable. Hook goes through so much pain physically and psychically, but others hardly ever notice. They’ve never noticed. It breaks my heart.

After all those years, every time I rewatch 3x20 and this moment comes up:

David: At the very least, he can draw fire.Killian: What, now I’m cannon fodder?

I smile sadly because I’m like, “Yup. And for all seasons after that.” You know, I don’t really mind that he does go through all that (as you said, Colin does an excellent job acting it)… I mind that the writers fail to recognize that this kind of abuse has consequences on its victims. One can’t walk out of a torture session and be all la-di-da-di-da afterwards. Not even torturers themselves. And it’s not only Killian, but I feel like he’s the one shown to be going through the worst.

To be perfectly honest, one reason I love Wish Hook is because I don’t have to pretend that the Underworld torture never happened, like I did with OG Hook, since they never gave him any chance to actually react to it. Wish Hook’ was obviously hurt by being separated from Alice, and we get to see his hurt from that, even through Rogers.

And yeah, I too understand it’s because of plot they’re dragging out Killian finding a cure for his poisoned heart, it’s not the first time they dragged out something that crucial… but it’s so sad to see all that. It’s favouring the plot over the characters, and it’s making them look stupid.

This season is good, really, but it’s always been plot over characters, but damn, there’s so much packed in one episode now. Like way too much plot. In the beggining they set up Rogers-Henry-Roni team up and where did it lead? Also I think even tho Andrew is suppossed to be ‘the leader’ and he is so perfect as Henry, he is awfully underused. Also that Rapunzel ending scene was awful. And the dialogue between my faves Rogers and Weaver too. 'Are you okay?’ and then Weaver’s statement of obvious 'She is dead. ’ Like… really?

Oh, boy, that set-up. Those writers clearly don’t know shit about setting something up. They’ll spend the beginning of the season/half-season setting something, as if it’s important and wow!, and then they’ll just turn it around and at the end they’ll present something totally unrelated and they’ll pretend it’s a “plot twist!” instead of lazy writing… And it just drives me mad how Andrew is perfect for an adult Henry, but they’ve favoured plot and twists over that. Just so many missed opportunities.

Yeah, there were so many lines in 7x11 that were so awkward… but then again, it was written by A&E, and it’s been so long that I’ve truly enjoyed an episode written directly by them.

Enough of rant. Sorry it got a bit longer! I’ve been MIA for past two months bc life sometimes happens, but now I am back, a little thanks to your review too. Keep doing it, if you have the will and joy (and I hope you have)! And also pet your georgeus cat for me, Traveler Flutist! He is the best!

Don’t worry, I enjoyed your rant! And welcome back!

P.S. After I wrote this, I exchanged some slow blinks with my cat and right now he jumped on my lap, purring :D

#Anonymous #ask and ye shall receive #ouat criticism #long post for ts #flutist traveler anon

8 notes · View notes

tedfashionski · 4 years ago

Text

Finking, Finking.

Hi, welcome to my ted talk. (That is the only time I will ever make that joke. This is Fashionski Finks. Expect radically low standards of self-involved rantiness with zero research or accountability from here on out). For a while there I seriously thought that the covid-19 quarantine was going to result in people being increasingly placid and accepting of creeping extensions of the police state. But here I am, getting depressed again, not about the protests, which I love, but more about my relationship to in-group pressure dynamics. One of the problems with being a relentless contrarian is the discomfort of my impulse to rebel against groups even when they’re championing the right thing. I have to find my own way to fight against the system as an outsider. No gods, no masters, no fucking peer pressure. I’ll never be happy joining a chorus line. I don’t sign fucking petitions (they’re just lists for the NSA). I do donate, but like fuck will I do it performatively. I can’t go to protests cus I get panic attacky in crowds. I empathise pretty strongly with outsiders of all stripes but believe ridiculously excessively in the public good of criticism, and have a nostalgic love of trolling (I like to think I’m gentle with it though). Bring back the troll! We need that fucker, he’s a sign of a healthy internet. I’m writing this blog thing as an extension of my need to vent my extreme negativity. TBH I never expected to get any followers with ted twitter and the bizarre welcomingness of the hf twitter community totally wrongfooted me. I’m not nice. Ted isn’t meant to likable. He’s my dark side. I was meant to be using this alt as a way to terrorise the nice nice (secretly cruel) fashion people. I’m gunna try and up that aspect more. Just bear in mind, my complaints are largely about the system, but if I see you perpetuating fashion’s entrenched anti-intellectualism or its insidery bullshit, I’ll come for you with a little meta-bomb with your name on it. Maintaining my misanthropic tone does take work tho, like, deep down in some twisted part of my psyche, I guess I do actually want to be liked. It’s fucked up.

I suppose it’s only fair to explain this Ted fursona. Like, new concept, who dis? Why all the furry porn? …..because I just think it’s hilarious. Every time I think about the furries I cackle (not at them, mind). I just love the mad corruption of pure Disney aesthetics into hardcore pornography. That’s anti-authoritarian as fuck. I love the sincerity of their culture. The way the crazy fetish aspect means they’ll never be fully blandified by mainstream acceptance. The way it’s so cringe but so delightful. And more seriously, I’m interested in how a culture of mostly gay male nerds developed to the point where they’ll invest 10k in custom fursuits and support eachother’s independent businesses in ways that the fashion community completely fails to do. The fashion world sucks. There’s so many correlations there that I want to investigate: the newness (furries date from around the 70s, fashion culture in its self-aware state dates from the late 19th C – both very young fields); the centralisation/decentralisation; the hierarchy (furries can be pretty catty, I have discovered in my research, and we all know what fashion people are like); the adoption of new identities; the cis-boy gayness aspect (I’m increasingly tired of the extreme nasty hierarchy of certain CSM queens. It’s all very UGH. Just, fuck those particular bitches.) There’s more to the furry love, but I’ll explore it in future posts.

More importantly, why Ted fucking Kaczynski? I’m not like, actually a terrorist. (….yet. tehehe. NO, seriously I like non-maiming violence. Fuck yeah to property damage. Fuck yeah to disabling the system in extreme way. But no to wooden IEDs. Think of my shitty jokes that fail to land as my hand-crafted bombs). I think I like the shitness of Ted. He was just an epic fail of a terrorist. I’m a little white girl living in London. I’m not actually a primitivist, as much as I crave a hut in the woods. I did go to an elite school though. I had some really shitty experiences in the fashion industry in my early 20s, and I watch my friends who are relatively successful in that system and I get so angry on their behalf at their poor treatment. They think I’m too angry. Fuck that. They should be more angry, and the fact that they can’t be angry at their extreme precarity and the fact they’re still insecure and terrified of being ejected by the system after all their investment and skills they’ve built up is BULLSHIT. I’ll be double angry for them, I’m not invested in that system. I don’t need it to pay my rent. I’m free, motherfuckers, and I’m coming for the abusers and exploiters. If you’re a complacent industry figure not fighting hard from within, uggghhhhh fuck you. Yes, YOU. Soooo, I relate pretty hard to the MK ultra stuff. (go look him up, he was basically tortured and experimented upon by the elite). But there’s a pretty big chasm between my views and his, and I’ll try to be clear about the extent of my interest in his extreme beliefs. I haven’t even finished reading the manifesto. Basically, I watched that shitty show on Netflix with sam worthington around the same time I watched Joker (that movie fucked me up) and thought it’d be a good outlet to larp online as a terrorist. There’s the angry white alt-right school shooter aspect, which I’m still figuring out, cus I’m non-binary and I was raised by nutso trumpy right-wingers, who I barely speak to anymore, and I struggle to get along with people generally. There’s sad, self-pitying rage here. I empathise with the angry white dudes too much. I feel guilty about it. That’s good ground for artmaking (yes, shamefully, this…is…art. Sorry). I modelled this fursona a little after my brother, who I spent years living with and arguing with and trying to lift out of his scary racist youtube rabbit holes. This is actually quite an emotional thing for me, cus I did the ‘talk to your fascist family’ thing. And I completely failed. I realised his right-winginess wasn’t lessening, I wasn’t gaining ground, and in fact my excessive empathy and desire to reach out to the relative most similar to me in character meant his extremism was rubbing off on me. Making me more resentful and depressed. Feeling powerless. I was being too kind-hearted and forgiving of his masculine impotence. So I’m exploring some personal shit here. But Ted is also a cute lil fuzzball teddy bear. He means well, but me being super autistic and faily at social skills means he’s kind of a dick, cus I am. I’m going to try and further develop this character, this POV, and this post is the only time I’ll explain the divide between him and his creator (moi). The ‘I’ on the twitter and here is Ted Fashionski, I need that space between me and him. Masks give us this freedom to be more ourselves. Internet culture has lost a lot of its wild brutal anonymity in the last decade or so, now everyone’s afraid of making mistakes. How the hell do you grow if you’re not allowed to fuck up? This is a vital outlet. He’s become an important part of my life and I have to say, I love being Ted Fashionski. He’s like Paddington Bear who just escaped form Guantanamo or something.

I get pretty fatigued as a matter of course. I’m a long-term depressive since childhood. I have a difficult time keeping my hard-on for living. I don’t get suicidal really but I do struggle with extreme fatigue. I sleep a lot. I often fall into spirals of self-hate. And as someone who utterly believes in revolutionary leftist politics, I beat myself up about not doing enough. I’m so middle class and english and white. I was raised in such a chauvinistic and complacent culture; I don’t even know where to start. I’m wading my way through post-colonial literature and beating myself up for finding it boring and uncomfortable. It’s hard to force yourself to acknowledge your culture is The Bad Guys. It’s easier to fall into fanstasies of supremacy and butthurt misunderstoodness. And it’s not like my depressive brain needs any encouragement to hate me. My trajectory is ever leftwards, but I remember the righteous fury of being right-wing. I get it, that was me. We need more paths back from fascism, more comprehension of why people are that kind of shitty. I talk less, and less well, the more depressed I am. If I’m talking, it means im feeling a lot better. Just, fyi.

Give me a minute to be critical here. With the George Floyd protests, a lot of the cool guys on fashion twitter has gone blazingly hardcore on the political side. But there’s this troubling rhetoric about ‘no return to normal content’ or ‘this isn’t the time for fashion’. Like fuck it isn’t. This is a key problem with fashion culture right here, we have this received perception of fashion as empty escapism. Escapism matters in fashion, yes. But seriously, talking about the surfaces of things does not equal not caring about deeper meaning. What the fuck. Clothes are a connective tissue, a membrane between us. They’re emotional and powerful. We can talk about things that matter THROUGH clothes. I speak fashion, pretty fucking well. Most people who work at fashion magazines are morons with no understanding or respect for their subject. They’re incapable of doing it justice, and that’s deliberate. On this tumblr you’ll see rants and reviews of fashion and other artforms, always interpreting through a fashion lens. cus it matters, cus it’s a vital part of the culture, cus just because something has a glittery, seductive surface doesn’t mean it doesn’t communicate or contain depth. There’s no going back to ‘normal fashion content’, yes. Normal fashion content is a fucking psyop to divert legitimate interest in aesthetics amongst largely non-academic dyslexic visual types away from careful thought/feeling and towards empty consumerist commericiality. The traditional fashion media wants you to express yourself and your interest in the zeitgeist through buying more shit. Another fashion world is possible. Let’s destroy the old and build a new one, one where surface and spirit are connected and true and fashion can’t be abused in service of evil industrial monopolists.

/end rant. TLDR: angry fictional teddy bear with tin-foil hat and an eco-anarchist fetish says no to stupid fashion and yes to the renewal of conceptual fashion. Also, Fuck White People.

0 notes

thecrookedgavel · 5 years ago

Text

The Black Box Readings - Ep 2 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 2 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. I want to start off by thanking you for coming back for episode 2. It means a great deal to me. Last time we were introduced to Emmy and started getting into her story. But also, we got into some personal anecdotes from me… Some very personal anecdotes, actually. So a little peek behind the curtain, I’m recording this before the release of episode 1, but I showed an unmastered version to some of my friends and they all thought my little stories really added something to the episode. Which is good, because I felt really empowered by it, even if I didn’t really plan on sharing so much about me.

If you haven’t heard episode 1 yet, I would really recommend taking the time to do so before continuing, but here’s a brief summary of what was covered:

Let’s see, we met our hero Emmy, and we learned that she’s a visual artist, and learned a bit about her being bi-polar and deaf. We also saw some hints of her being a trans lesbian. We come back into the swing of things with a frequently asked questions post as a response to the messages she received after her last post, titled:

“(Unfortunately) FAQ

Thank you for your attempts at cheering me up. I appreciate it, even though some things that were said were not helpful at all. Rather than replying to each of you individually, I decided to make a FAQ. Let’s get into them, shall we?

-You’re deaf? Why don’t you wear hearing aids?

Sorry, it’s not that simple. With the amount of deaf I am, I still can’t understand speech, even with hearing aids. So they’re basically pointless.

-Why don’t you get cochlear implants? Isn’t that the cure for being deaf?

There’s no easy fix for being deaf. Even with cochlear implants, you “hear” in a totally different way, and it’s taxing and torture from what I hear. Plus, my dad says we can’t afford them. I don’t know if I would want to have them if we could tbh. It all seems pretty scary if you ask me.

-Do you have a deaf accent when you talk? I know what you mean, but please don’t call it that. I’m not from the country of “Deaf”, so I wouldn’t call it an accent. But yeah, I talk funny, if that’s what you’re asking

-Are you able to lip read?

Yeah, I can. I’m ok at it, but I can really only follow one on one conversations. Any more than that, and I get lost easily. I understand the most when someone articulates and talks slowly for me.

-Wow, you’re really brave! I would kill myself if I couldn’t listen to music.

Gee, thanks. I’m glad you think my life isn’t worth living. There’s nothing brave about it, I just do what I can, and try not to beat myself up too badly.

-Why not take medication for being bi-polar?

Honestly, it’s complicated. Being on tumblr is what made me realize that I’m bi-polar, not a doctor or anything. So there’s no one I can get meds from. Legally, at least, lol. My dad refuses to accept what I’m going through is a mental illness, he just thinks that I have behavioral problems. That I’m just doing all this to spite him or something. So I’m sort of stuck without meds for the time being. “

She can be very sassy, can’t she? There’s a bit of cleverness to her responses. No swearing or name calling, those things are just implied. It’s nice that she calls out the ableist rhetoric that disabled people are better off dead. It was heartwarming to see, when I originally read this post, that she does believe she has value as a person, even if it is sort of buried at the moment under the doom and gloom of her previous post.

She also talks about how her Dad can’t pay, or maybe even won’t pay for cochlear implants, and refuses to get her psychiatric medication. I’m not the biggest fan of her Dad, to be honest, and why will become clearer as we progress through Emmy’s blog. In fact, our next post is about an interaction between the two of them.

“Got mad at my Dad today

God, I’m so PISSED OFF, you don’t even know. My Dad is being his usual tyrannical self again. He never lets me do anything! Ok, so I just wanted to go to the corner store and pick up a few things we were missing around the house, nothing major, right? I wanted to be helpful, you know? But as I walk out the door, he grabs my shoulder and pulls me back into the house. He YELLS at me, even though he KNOWS I can’t understand him when he does that. After a while of telling him to stop yelling, he finally starts talking slowly for me. He told me that it’s not safe for me to leave the house on my own. That I might get hurt, kidnapped, or worse. I told him that I’d be fine, and that he needs to stop being so controlling all the time. Then he started quoting the Bible at me, I hate it when he does that. Something about the 10 commandments and how I’m supposed to honor him, idk. I know I’m supposed to believe it all, being I’m the son of a pastor, and all that. But I’m seriously an atheist, ok? I just don’t believe in God, fate, or any of it. Anyway, I hate to admit it, but he’s probably right. Not being able to hear a car coming does scare me a lot. Thanks for reading, rant over. “

This is one of many rants that made their way onto Emmy’s blog. I think she was able to use it to feel better about the negative things in her life. You can see at the end that she’s much calmer than she was at the beginning of the post, even going so far as to actually agree with her Dad. Though I get not wanting your child to get hurt, I don’t think he should have pulled her back into the house physically like that. And yelling on top of that? It all rubs me the wrong way. Though they’re not the reasons I truly dislike him. Unfortunately, those will come by in full force later on.

Oh, I realize I haven’t given an anecdote yet, sorry about that. Let’s see… umm… I guess I can really relate with the struggle of wanting to be independent. I’ve been really sick for more than 10 years now, and we had a lot of trouble getting a diagnosis. It’s looking like it’s all due to a concussion I had in my teens. I’m getting treated now, and things are looking up, actually! There’s a lot of hope with me.

But before that, I actually had the opposite dynamic as Emmy. My parents would really push me to be independent, but I had sort of accepted where I was with my level of dependency. I couldn’t do things like exercise, laundry, or even make my own food, even on my best days, without feeling absolutely terrible afterwards. Certain movements would basically knock me out for the rest of the day. This lead to terrible sleep cycles, and my parents would get really upset with me for not appearing “normal.” I think it looked to them like I wasn’t making an effort, when in truth, I wasn’t normal and I was doing exactly what I could every day. It sort of came to a boiling point with them not understanding, and I sort of had to move out and get my own place to stop it from getting truly awful, honestly. It was hard, for a lot of reasons, including money reasons, but that’s a story for another time, I think.

But back to Emmy herself, I guess we really haven’t talked about her religious views yet. She went into a bit of detail in an earlier post, but in the end, I decided to omit it from the podcast. Mostly because the core of it is present here. She doesn’t believe in God or predeterminism, and she has a real disdain for The Bible. It’s probably from oversaturation, to be honest? Like, grow up with a super religious parent, and you’re bound to want to rebel as a teen. Though I find it kind of funny that she says she doesn’t believe in fate, it’s not strictly a religious concept, and bit of a spoiler, but she ends up changing her mind on that front later on.

Next up is a post where Emmy talks about her aspirations and future goals. She wants to be a full time artist, and take the steps necessary to get there. She wants something more out of life, which is pretty natural for a teen. It’s why the “princess wanting more” story is told time and time again. Anyways, the post is titled:

“I Want To Do Art

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future recently, and I’ve been feeling pretty bored just sitting around doing whatever lately. I want to work for a living, but I know I can’t really do that without leaving the house. I want to be an artist. Like an animator or an illustrator. Something like that. It’s something I’m perfectly capable of doing, even if I can’t hear. I know my art needs work before I can make a job out of it, but I think that’s what I want out of life.

I passed high school last year, even if I was homeschooled, it still counts! I don’t know what kind of art school would take me, and I understand that I’m disabled, but my Dad won’t even let me look for an art school. He just won’t fucking listen to me! He thinks I’m just going to sit at home and do nothing for the rest of my life, like some sort of fucking pet! I’m so sick of him! He’s so goddamn controlling and I fucking hate him for it! I don’t know what to live for if I can’t be an artist, tbh…”

Honestly, this is an upsetting post to me, for a number of reasons. It sort of gives me a flashback to high school, which never sounds good, but bear with me. I was told by someone I really looked up to, my acting teacher, that I’d never make it as an actor because of my hearing loss. He encouraged me that I could still work in theater, like being a stage manager, but the damage was kind of done. I always thought that he believed in me, he would give me opportunities like assistant director on several projects. I got a good amount of experience working with him. Maybe he believed I was better suited to being a director, which is something I have been doing, directing my own projects, like The Crooked Gavel. But I also have been voice acting, which is acting, right? Actually, talking through this has made me realize that he would be proud of me. I think he would be happy to have been proven wrong. I actually feel a lot better now. Interesting.

Anyways, where were we? *light chuckle* Right, so I think Emmy has the right to resent her Dad in this case. It sounds like he’s not trying to meet her halfway, not even trying to look into an art school for the disabled. To me, it seems like he just doesn’t want to let go of the idea of Emmy as his child. She’s growing up, and he’s kind of refusing to see it. There’s also the aspect that he might be embarrassed of her, which… *sigh* more on that later.

---

Moving on, here’s another post accompanied by a piece of art. It’s… well it’s part of the reason why her previous post upsets me. Because I remember this post along side of it. If I had a copy of the picture, I’d probably have to warn you first. It was really dark. So, onto the post, titled:

“Here’s how I feel

I feel so trapped and small”

*Sigh* And I’ll try my best to give you a description from memory. I stared at it for a long time, I recall. I remember a figure wrapped in chains. The art style had a very dream-like quality to it, the colours all dark and texture sort of… messy? *Sigh* Anyway, the person in chains had tears streaming from her eyes, and no mouth. The chains lead upwards into puppet strings to those marionette-style crosses. It was good art, but knowing who was behind it, it really scared me. Especially since she hinted in her previous post that she might not see anything to live for. She felt so trapped and like she didn’t have a voice. So I thought it over, and I decided to message her words of encouragement. This was our first interaction.

I told her that I loved looking at her art, and that it brought me a lot of joy when she came up on my dashboard. That I was half deaf, and although I couldn’t get the full picture, I got some of her struggle. I encouraged her that her art was already good enough for commissions without art school.

I’m sure she got a lot of messages like mine, because she never responded directly. Instead, she posted this message on her blog the next day.

“Got a lot of messages

A ton of people messaged me to give me words of encouragement after my post yesterday. I’m sorry I worried everyone, I just needed an outlet to express myself, you know? But people also messaged me to tell me that I’m good enough already to do commissions without art school. I don’t think you’re right, but I’ll think about setting something up. My Dad probably won’t let me make a paypal, but maybe you can pay me in Steam games or something, idk?”

A little later, she reblogged the post and said: “Everyone sending me messages and words of encouragement, thank you! It really means a lot”

I was really happy that I reached out to her, and due to what she posted, It felt more or less like she was thanking me directly. By this point, I was invested in her struggle, and I made sure I’d always message her again if she needed me to.

Alright, we’ve made it to the last post of the episode. It’s kind of exciting, because it’s the mark of a really good thing happening in Emmy’s life. It’s well deserved, and I remember being very happy for her whenever a post of this type came up. I don’t want to spoil it, but I guess the title kind of does that for me, *chuckle* It’s titled:

“I Think I Met Someone

I was playing a lot of Overwatch today, what else is new? LOL. It was the first comp game of the day, and we got Anubis. So I instalocked Mercy like I always do. Anyway, me and the Dva player, her name was EmeraldSkies, were wrecking face together. It was pretty great, actually! Obviously I wasn’t in voice chat, as that would be a whole lot of useless. People usually get mad at me for it, and try and force me to join, but she was chill about it. After the game ended (in a win for us, of course) I got a friend request from her, so I accepted. We ended up chatting for a bit, and then we ended up duoing for a while. I really liked playing with her, and she didn’t pressure me at all to join chat, even if my excuse for why I couldn’t was half assed.

I had to go eat lunch after a while, I gave her my discord and she actually accepted! After I got back online, we talked for a bit, and it was really fun! Idk, she’s just so upbeat and seems so deep. Plus she’s totally not at all judgemental. I really really like her already, is that weird?”

See, I told you it would be exciting! I’m personally a big fan of instant connections. *Sigh* I’ve had a few really intense ones in my life, and they’re always something else. I choose to think of this interaction between her and EmeraldSkies as one of those instant connections, rather than Emmy jumping the gun about developing feelings. There’s just so many people in Overwatch at any given time that running into any given person is pretty rare. She doesn’t talk about it yet, but this may be the point where she starts to question whether or not she believes in fate. Though, I’m sure that’ll be something we talk about later on.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! Again, I have no idea what sort of reception the first episode received, since I’m recording this before it releases. I tried to match the energy of the first episode today, and I hope my personal rants mix well with the readings. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

0 notes

jednozycie · 7 years ago

Text

I'M DONE MY DUDES!!!! BUT ALSO NEW BEGINNINGS!!!

Long rant ahead about personal things (keeping it kind of vague but then not vague, you'll see what that means). This is also an update as to where the fuck I've been since I've been super absent on the wonder that is the internet and social media; aka I suck at keeping contact in general. Like so bad. Astronomically bad. This is also an experience to type on mobile but I'm doing it anyway!!!! Also I go into ableism. SO MUCH. MOSTLY MY OWN WITH MYSELF. BUT STILL.

ALSO LONG.

WELL. A few months back (or two??) I had a very bad(TM) episode involving mental health things, which I am keeping vague but those that know, know and if not there's always private messages I guess. But that started spiraling last year, BUT THAT'S GETTING SORTED SO NO WORRIES (I feel caps really gets the point across so sorry in advance)!!!

Now we get to the other things that therapy has dug up. Internalized ableism. Which is as prevalent as externalized ableism, honestly. It also applies to phsyical disabilites as much a mental or invisible disabilites but to avoid writing a goddamned 100 page post, I'm going to stick with the more physical or external because that's what I've been coming to terms with these last few weeks; aka that's what has been more salient so here we go!!! (This is honestly the first time I'm putting any of this into actual words and sentences, so if it's seems kind of like paragraphs are random. Yeah.)

I'm also more of an advocate for the affirmation model of disability so if that's not your jam, maybe you're better off not reading this? Or you can see the point I'm trying to make; there is a point to this, not just rambling!

The condensed version of the affirmation model is essentially not viewing diabaility as this TRAGIC, TERRIBLE CIRCUMSTANCE. It's understanding and being able to understand it as an identity or as a part of an identity; aka I really fucking hate the medical model and it can go suck a fuck because most of it is archaic and it deserves to be trampled. BUT AGAIN, THAT'S A DIFFERENT POST IN ITSELF SO I DIGRESS.

I'm done with dealing with shit as a """medical condition""" and """bad luck""" because no, it really isn't and it doesn't have to be just because the rest of the able-bodied world is the "gold standard" (FUCK THE GOLD STANDARD ALSO, BUT AGAIN I DIGRESS). I also do want acknowledge that I am white and college educated so I definitely have a lot of fucking privlege in other areas of my life.

So let's go back in time to where my crippling internalized ableism started. Ah yes, back in February on a shitty, stormy Sunday in 1994. But how could it start when I was just born? Well, because of ~ableist culture~ that was already there the day I arrived. I don't even know if I want to state that I ""appreciate"" that they tried to surgically fix my hand, although it did give me the use of my thumb so I'm conflicted. Still. Super medical model.

Queue doctors trying to convince my parents for the next five years of my life and random years in between during my childhood that they could "fix" my hand via hand transplant or by removing my fingers and transplanting my toes and making them more "finger-like" so they could become fingers on my hand. I'm still creeped out about that to this day, but I'm not going to judge anyone who may have had a similar procedure because I do still understand and in the end, you do you.

This essentially lead my parents into the mode of "you need to compensate for that disability so no one can judge you on it". Like what the actual fuck. Who puts that idea into their child's head???? ~Ableist culture~

And oh man, I still got fucking bullied as a kid. Like I'm talking about being called terrible things I didn't even understand at 5, and even getting spit on!!! The best part is that happened at a PRIVATE, CATHOLIC instituition. : )

That did get better because I involved the principal to the degree of having the guys almost expelled (and they were like 11-13 when they did that kind of shit and I was 5-6 so. HM. NICE LADS. TRULY).

This led to a life long habit of hiding my hand and freaking the fuck out anytime there were activites that involved holding hands or having hands visible.

But for every fuckwad that made me feel like an abomination there were good people that quite literally did not give a single fuck and thought it looked cool. So kids are alright sometimes. It's actually children who still are super accepting of it and just roll with it even if they don't understand. Teenagers... on the otherhand. Well, I love getting candid (but so fucking obvious) shots of my hand followed by laughter. Alright.

Even worse is the pity. Like bruh, I did not ask for your pity. Nor do I need to hear about it as "it happened for a reason; all in god's plan". Bruh. BRUH. NO.

"Wow you're dealing so well with it" "Wow you really don't let it affect you" "it could have been much worse you know, (insert story about another person with a disbaility that they know)"

Gotta say, more than my actual hand, it's those comments now that make me go fucking berserk. Those comments do come from our ableist society, but also from misunderstanding, or a society that is hyper-focused on appearance. Or all of that simulateneously.

Even my own relatives get angry with me when I try to discuss my hand or anything related to ableism because it's something I should be ashamed of!!!! NO. no. N. O. NO!!!!!!!!!!!! As if we're supposed to just sit back, hide it from plain sight and "manage" it.

It's only after therapy that I've realized how much I've internalized everything and how it does connect to other problems with myself and the self-hate I used to struggle with and I am going to get over it. Self compassion goes a long way. And if that doesn't work I will live out of spite for all the shit that I've gotten over the years.

This is the hand I was born with; the hand I will have for the rest of my life; the hand that has chronic pain; the hand that has made some tasks difficult; BUT IT'S MY HAND!

TLDR; I don't ""suffer"" with ABS (Amniotic Band Syndrome), it's just another part of who I am and I'm done with trying to obscure it. I may only have a full thumb on my left hand but I have enough of my middle finger to throw it up when the situation calls for it. I've found peace with that. From now on I will absolutely wave my hand around like it's the shit. Because I'm done trying to fucking conform. DONE.

This is also a big FUCK YOU to a French doctor that tried to convince me that "beauty is pain" and that I should have gotten a cosmetic hand prosthetic. Like if wanting cosmetic prostheses (and cosmetic surgeries) comes from a place within the individual, aka outside of pressure to conform or pressure from peers and this fucking pervasive culture then I'm all for it. But personally, none of it was ever about my needs. I'm now old enough to discern that I never needed it and I never will.

#personal #disability #ableism #ableist language cw #IM DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 notes · View notes

buttercream-imagines · 7 years ago

Text

wow shock Dani has more to talk about

I’m so sorry I come on here more for chatting than I do for writing. You guys are just great listeners lol

Sorry Issues was a couple days late. On Friday my floor had a bonfire so I was gone until late and I don’t like to stay up too late lol. Once I got back to my dorm I crashed immediately. Then yesterday my friends and I went cliff diving and then drank and watched movies so it was another long day/late night. Today has been super chill. My friends and I watched movies again and now we just had a floor government meeting (which leads me to my next topic)

Okay so like, I’m 100% in love with my RA. Like, I love him. He loves Jesus (check on my list). He works at a camp for the disabled (wtf heart of gold check on my list). He’s super sweet and so funny and just cute as all get out and I legitimately have a crush on him and it SUCKS because like I’m fully aware that nothing would happen. First of all he’s an RA and I feel like dating a resident is not allowed. Second of all I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend but she’s never been mentioned in conversation and the last post I found relating to her on his Facebook was back in like 2015 or something so like ?? Does she exist ?? Does she not exist ?? Are you taken ?? Let me know ?? Then, third of all, we have like completely different lifestyles. He’s like hella into hiking and running and healthy eating and I’m hella into writing and watching Netflix and eating pizza straight from the box and ice cream straight from the container. Like, in a real world we would never work. I know opposites attract and all that shit, but I’m not sure they attract THAT much. We’re practically from two different worlds. I mean, this boy doesn’t even have NETFLIX. He even admits that he lives under a rock. But then, his sense of humor and general goof-ball-ness is so charming to me. He put a glass of water on the end of his mattress and then jumped on his bed to prove that a memory foam mattress really won’t spill your liquid. When we rode in a jeep with the top down, he threw his hands up like he was on a rollercoaster and leaned into me every time we rounded a corner. But then, his serious sides are great too. Also cute people in positions of authority ?? So attractive to me ?? He can talk about serious things and things he’s passionate about but then he also can be a fun loving goofball who fully admits that he acts like he’s five. I love that.

So, here I am, pining after a boy who will, in all logical senses, never love me. Yet I cling to every action that might prove otherwise. I mean, he asks if my friends and I want to go hammocking or eat with him, but will only ask us. He won’t ask any other people on the floor. He’ll come to my door and ask me a question about something generic regarding everyone in the house, but he won’t go to my friends’ door. Before the floor meeting, there was a knock at my door and when I answered it he stood on the other side slightly out of breath. He then said, “I literally just ran here. I just wanted to ask you, do you think we should have our floor government meeting in the TV room or in my room?” Why did he ask me ?? Does he value my opinion that much ?? Does he love me ?? See, this is my problem. Obviously it’s just random, but he could’ve gone to any door. Hell, my friends’ door is right across from his, but he ran all the way down to mine ?? Why ?? For no reason, Dani, he just did. Pound it into your head that he will never like you. Get over this stupid school girl crush and find someone else.

But I’m starting to wonder if I’m ever going to find someone else. No, scratch that. I’m starting to wonder if I’m ever going to find someone at all. I know I know, I’m 19 and I’ve got a full life ahead of me, but it gets so discouraging when all of my friends here are in relationships and I can’t even find a boy who has any interest in me. My roommate is gone half the time because her and her boyfriend are so in love (I’m happy for her honestly), and then my other friend is always talking about her boyfriend and how much she misses him and all that jazz, and then my other friend has been dating her boyfriend for like, five years or something like that. It just sucks, you know? And I know I should just be grateful that I have friends, and I am, but it just sucks to wonder if I’m ever actually going to find someone who wants to stick around. Meanwhile I’m pining after someone who’s practically from another world. Probably doesn’t even know I exist outside from a floor event.

Anyway, that’s Dani’s daily dose of depressing discussions. I hate myself *stressed laughter* (I don’t actually hate myself. I’m doing really good right now. I just wish I didn’t have an actual crush on my RA because it’s borderline pathetic but I don’t know how to stop it lol) (he told me my dress was pretty the other day) (also after we went hammocking with two of my friends I got really anxious for some reason and he wanted us to go to a building event but I didn’t want to go so I left and went to my room and I guess he looked at my friends and was like “omg is she okay” and I’m like ahh I know you’re obligated to ask that but please don’t care about me because it gives me so much false hope) (I hate boys who are nice because it’s like okay are you being nice to me or are you being nice to me) (there’s this part of Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell that goes like this:

“You’re extra nice. With everyone. You go out of your way to make everyone feel special.”

“Well, what’s wrong with that?”

“How is anyone supposed to know that they are special? How was I supposed to know you weren’t just being nice?”)

(I don’t know that’s just what I relate to is all)

k thanks for listening to this gal rant again. I owe you guys one. Remember my ask is always open if you need a chat or whatever

#sorry I have such problems #lol #about me #update #I guess this is an update?#an update on how lame my life is haha #dani's lame love life

14 notes · View notes

thehalfworld · 7 years ago

Text

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 12]

Oh yes, friends, it’s back! It’s been entirely too long (two years too long, to be exact) and I hope you’re all ready for some more vaguely Portal-flavored nonsense.

No real warnings for this chapter, just typical MarissaTheWriter ridiculousness. And canon character death, maybe, depending on whether or not you take the events of this chapter at face value (and, if I remember this story correctly, you probably shouldn’t).

Recap: Chell and GLaDOS have fused into one entity, P-body is pregnant, and Marissa for some reason decided that Rattman is the only one who can prevent disaster even though dude is strictly a non-action guy. She located him and now the two of them are planning on taking down the Chell/GLaDOS fusion.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS?

That is pretty weird, yeah.

(I’m not even sure what she’s referencing. Maybe a play on “assault”?)

IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW!

I dunno who Sephral is, but “the buziness guy” is user ASBusinessMagnet (later a recurring character in MarissaTheWriter’s stories; I’m pretty sure we got married at one point), and “Cat Not Bouncy” is Tumblr user catbountry, who was going by “Not Cat Bountry” on Fanfiction dot net and who did a dramatic reading.

PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER!

See, I told you she’d explain that. All makes sense now, right? Perfectly logical writing decision.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TWELF: THE FINAL BATTLE

Bit of a misnomer, since this is not, in fact, the final chapter.

(Actually, if I remember correctly, MarissaTheWriter may have been writing by the seat of her pants; it’s possible she initially intended this as the True and Honest Final Battle.)

Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks to get to CHELLGADOSs layer were the final show down wold be.

Oh my god, she means her lair, not her layer. That literally took me years to figure out. Holy fuck.

Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader.

Considering what happens when Wheatley actually tries to be the bad guy, I think this is preferable.

We intered the layer an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff!

Hey, I played Portal 2, I saw the turret assembly line. It’s pretty much autonomous. She doesn’t have to build them herself, and honestly I think she’d find it beneath her.

But maybe things have changed since I left the building.

"INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had.

That’s a phenomenal amount of anger. Surprised Marissa didn’t combust on the spot.

"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you."

All right! Time for some murder!

Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!"

I doubt she cares about killing Rattman, considering that she didn’t do so before and that he poses basically no threat on his own. Like I said… non-action guy.

CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case.

Okay, but does it really shoot bullets? I ask because the turrets use spring-loaded action in order to fire the entire bullet, which is obviously a hell of a lot less effective despite delivering more bullet per bullet. Explains why Chell can take so many hits without dying.

Point being, there’s no evidence Aperture Science knows how guns are supposed to work.

She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom an I thot he was dead for sure.

But Ratman gotted up!

What? Is he still alive?

"Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores!

…I know we’re leading up to a “balls of steel” joke, and I shan’t comment on that, but this raises so many goddamn questions. How do you replace your testicles with personality cores? A personality core is a hell of a lot bigger, and heavier, than a human testicle. Also, Space Core is in space, so how did Rattman get ahold of him? Did he shrink the cores somehow? How did this make him immune to bullets? How did he fit two personality cores in his pants? Why did he need to flash everybody?

My brain is hurting over this and I know it’s only in the story because the author wanted to make a stupid pun. Moving the hell on.

"IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" (Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny) The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles.

One of his tentacles? Are we in a hentai now?

"Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" Ratman yelled as he got sucked in.

Uh… what? How? I thought Marissa and Chell were both Cave and Caroline’s kids in this story. Wasn’t that established several chapters ago?

"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. "It all storted a long time ago..." Ratman gave us the down lo as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. "I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!"

Right, we know. How is he hanging on to the portal? Can you do that? I don’t think you can do that.

CHELLGADOS o-mouthed at his shockin words.

Did she forget she spent the beginning of this story being a goth emo over the revelation that she used to be human? Like… this isn’t news anymore.

"Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation an grew test toob babys.

Hey, what the fuck is the “normal way” to have sex with a giant robot? Seriously, please inbox me if you know. It’s for a friend. I swear.

But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died.

Why did Aperture Science have a sperm sample from Rattman on file? How did they get DNA from Caroline, since her physical human body no longer exists? How does Rattman know about the mixup? Who carried the baby to term? How did two white people birth a woman of color? How did two white people birth a woman of color? I don’t know if I brought this up earlier in the MST, but I am directing that question at every “Chell is Cave and Caroline’s daughter” theorist too. You’re not off the fucking hook.

Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! "Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!"

Okay, but we know what happens when Marissa kills Chell — thanks to having consumed the “zombie taters,” Chell will just turn into a zombie. You don’t want the most tenacious woman in the world after your brains, but especially not when she’s fused with the most massive collection of wisdom to ever exist, who also hates you.

I o-mouthed becos Chells brane damage was cured so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol.

That’s actually not the concern I expected Marissa to have. She has no problem killing disabled people, but being fused with a homicidal AI who is using your body as her puppet is A-OK, even when the victim is begging for death?

Man, this girl could use some new priorities.

"But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister there must be a nother way! Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. There was no way I cold kill Chell an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither.

Yeah, and remember how she used to be a well-written and complex character who cannot be reduced to a mere villain and who actually likes Chell so much she keeps writing songs about it?

Sorry, there I go talking about canon again.

"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. "THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!"

Hey, uh, what the fuck?

I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. "Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY!

Who are they here to back up?

"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" I asked while o-mouthin from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah!

I guess that’s reasonable. I, too, feel indebted to those who give me drugs and beer.

We started ti fire are portal guns at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole.

Co-op mode would benefit from the inclusion of this feature, I think.

"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell.

Should have attached them better, I guess.

Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" I rant to my sister an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..."

“…not to mention, having my butt sliced off after someone used their powers a little too recklessly…”

An she dyed in my arms. "Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to becos they was frends even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad.

Isn’t Chell gonna turn into a zombie now or are we not doing the zombie stuff anymore? Was that only because she was brain-damaged? This fic is confusing.

I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me.

Oh no! Not a clikclak nose!

"LOL we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled an shot me in head.

I’ve probably mentioned it before, but I love that the author of this mess has no problem writing over-the-top violence but feels the need to censor the word “bitch.”

"Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died.

Love the prose.

TO BE CONTINUED?

Yes, indeed, we’re not done with this fic yet!

OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED!

Oh, yes.

CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER?

Well, seeing as she’s dead, I think it may be a bit late for that.

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN?

She actually did write that spinoff, by the way. I’ll put my MST of it up on this blog at some point.

Next chapter

#itsmylife.mst #fandom:portal #halfworld.mst

2 notes · View notes

bigskydreaming · 8 years ago

Text

This shit makes me so mad, not just as a bisexual man, but as a bisexual creator.

Because it wasn’t even a week ago that I talked about a fantasy pilot I’m shopping around town about supernatural teens where the main character was a gay teen boy.

And I got a very well intentioned message about it and how I was likely going to have to make the lead straight if I ever wanted it to have a chance to get picked up by a major network like the CW. And they follow me and know I’m referencing them lol and please know I’m not trying to call you out or anything, because their message was never the problem.

The problem was they’re not wrong. Like, I’m well aware of how this town works, and the limitations it puts on creative content including marginalized characters, let alone REVOLVING around such characters. I’m well aware of how every creative industry is about that, and how audiences and readers are about that.

Even in industries that are supposedly actively seeking out diverse works by marginalized creators, there are still limitations, still quotas. Yeah, the YA publishing industry wants books about teens of color and various sexual orientations, but not TOO many. Trust me, I know. For every book that gets accepted for having a gay lead character, there’s another book that gets rejected because that publishing imprint already has a ‘big’ book coming out with a gay lead character and there’s such a thing as too many of those as far as publishing is concerned. And so every time I see a book getting published by a major imprint about gay characters that isn’t written by a gay author? It fucking hurts, because I know damn well just HOW MANY talented gay writers there are out there desperate to get their stories boosted to wider audiences, marketed by a major publisher....they just got there too late, their spot had already been given away.

I’ve shopped scripts in Hollywood. I’ve had pitch meetings, I’ve sat with people who have the power to buy my scripts and boost them to the next level. And you wanna know what note I get over and over? Too many LGBT+ characters. There’s just too many in my stuff.

There’s something so deeply fucked up and insidious about industries and atmospheres that don’t even bat an eye or show the slightest bit of awareness while telling marginalized creators to limit how much of themselves they pour into their work.

These people, to my face, have made it perfectly clear - they WANT my stories, they WANT my imagination, they WANT my writing....they just don’t want it to look or sound too much like ME, the person behind the story, the person who dreamed it up.....because apparently that just makes it too damn hard to market it to anyone who isn’t just like me.

Since I was a kid, I’ve heard it over and over - you want better representation, make it yourself. And its like yo, fuckwads, we’re fucking TRYING over here. But even when we do, you keep putting limits on it, or telling us you only had the budget to give one or two stories about marginalized characters a chance and oh wait, you already spent that money on straight white men telling these stories for us.

Except those stories? Not written by us? That’s how you end up with the homophobic version of MISERY, with tons of visibility and all the things actual LGBT+ creators would kill to have for their stories about LGBT+ characters....and its not just that the story exists. Its not just the knowledge that something that fucking eroticizes homophobic torture porn has thousands of fans. It’s the awareness that the visibility of THAT piece of work actually detracts from the visibility of actual LGBT+ creators’ work, because hate to say it, but marginalized works ARE still very much a zero sum game.

And to be perfectly clear, its not that you have to be of a specific identity to write a realistic representation of that identity. No, that’s an excuse that people who don’t want to put in the work to do just that love to fall back on, but like. Research. Educate yourself. Put in the time. Put in the effort. You can absolutely represent anyone realistically.

The problem with marginalized works being created primarily by people of non-marginalized identities isn’t in their ABILITY to represent non straight white male identities realistically. The problem is with PRIORITIES.

Because guess what? I’m greedy. I don’t just want to see more bisexual characters on TV. I don’t just want to see a realistic depiction of someone like me, if that means they’re just as likely to get hurt or abused or killed off like the straight characters there just so happen to be twenty replacements for, already to go, just waiting in the wings.

If that was all that mattered, like, I’d sink my money into making a Where’s Waldo book with a gay or bi character on every page and just print those up and hand them out on street corners.

But realistic representation is great and all, but its still not the only thing. There’s nothing realistic about decades and decades of stories where it just so happens that coincidentally, the straight white male character always gets what he wants out of the story even as the black character dies first, the gay character sleeps around but never finds true love, and the disabled character is inspirational, but not much else.

No, representation isn’t just about being able to point at the screen and go, there I am, that’s me, he’s just like me. It’s about getting to see characters like you get everything the other characters get.

It’s about seeing the gay and bi characters get to be the heroes, to save the universe. To be put in life-threatening situations and ESCAPE in spite of the odds, to live to fight another day. To have love triangles and options instead of being paired up with the only other gay character onscreen by default. THAT is what true representation is. Anything less than what straight white audiences take for granted is still just half-assing it.

And as for marginalized works still being a zero sum game, well, you can tell me they’re not, that there’s plenty of room for everyone. The internet is a big place. Yup, yup. It is. Its so big, in fact, that shockingly enough, things like funding and budgets and marketing departments and publisher backing and corporate sponsorship and name recognition all make a difference between you producing content that people can find and enjoy and boost and you just shouting into the void.

Don’t tell me that marginalized works aren’t a zero sum game when I have literally sat in meetings with people who are perfectly conciliatory when explaining that sorry, this is just the way the world/industry/game works.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. This is just me ranting, this isn’t me saying anything that any and all marginalized creators don’t already know for themselves and its certainly not going to do anything to change the minds or priorities of the people who have the most power to do something about this in the shortest span of time.

I know this is essentially me shouting sour grapes into the void. And yeah, I’m perfectly aware that the grapes here are very sour, that I am absolutely 100% bitter about seeing works with shit or even actively harmful marginalized representation get prioritized over the works of actual marginalized creators when it comes to resources, visibility, acclaim.

But just cuz I’m bitter while I’m saying it, doesn’t make what I’m saying untrue.

292 notes · View notes