#i want to love him and i CAN but hes just so........ unloveable...... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

myonexox · 2 days ago

Text

Enhypen Jay Oneshot

pairing : boyfriend!jay x female!reader pov : you have daddy issues it was late at night when you found yourself sitting on the windowsill of your small apartment, staring out at the glowing city lights. the hum of cars could still be heard but your thoughts drowned out all external noise. you had always felt like an outsider in your own world, carrying the weight of emotions you couldn't fully understand, emotions rooted in years of craving a love you never received.

your relationship with your father had always been... complicated. he was present but absent, if that made any sense. he provided the essentials but never the affection, the warmth or the validation you desperately sought. you grew up learning that men left, emotionally if not physically. it shaped how you saw the world, how you saw yourself.

then came jay.

you hadn’t expected much when you first met him. in fact, you actively resisted the idea of letting him in. he was too charming, too persistent, too... perfect. surely, he had to be pretending. men like him didn’t exist, not in your world. but jay had a way of peeling back your defenses without you even realizing it.

“you’re thinking too much again” jay’s voice broke through your haze. you turned to see him standing in the doorway with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his black hoodie. his dark eyes studied you with a mixture of concern and affection.

you shrugged. “just... thinking”

he walked over and settled himself next to you on the windowsill. “about?” he asked gently.

you hesitated. it wasn’t easy for you to open up, even to him. especially to him.

“stuff” you muttered, your eyes fixed on the twinkling lights outside.

he chuckled softly. “you always say that. ‘stuff.’ you know you can talk to me, right?”

“i know” and you did. but knowing and doing were two different things.

for a moment, there was silence. jay didn’t push, didn’t prod. he just waited, giving you the space to decide whether you want to tell him or not. it was one of the things you admired about him. his patience and his understanding.

finally, you sighed. “it’s about my dad”

he nodded, his expression softening. “hm, what about him?”

“i don’t know” you admitted, your voice tinged with frustration. “i just... i feel like he’s this shadow that’s always there, even when he’s not. i don't know how to explain. like, no matter what i do, i can’t shake it. i can’t shake him. do you get it?”

he reached out and took your hand in his, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. “you don’t have to shake it. you’re not broken because of him. you’re... you. and that’s enough”

you looked at him, your heart twisting. how could he say things like that so easily, so sincerely? how could he look at you like you were the most beautiful, valuable thing in the world when you couldn’t even see yourself that way?

“how do you do that?” you whispered.

“do what?”

“make me feel like... like i’m not a mess”

he smiled softly. “because you’re not a mess. you’re human. and humans are complicated and beautiful and imperfect. but that’s what makes you, you”

your throat tightened and you looked away, blinking rapidly. you hated crying in front of people but with jay, it always felt safe. like, you could say or tell or do whatever you want without being judged. like it was okay to feel vulnerable, to cry and to ask for support, for help when you really need it. he made you feel that way, for the first time in your life.

“you’re too good to me, you know?” you murmured.

his grip on your hand tightened slightly, his tone serious. “no, i'm not. you just haven’t had enough people treat you the way you deserve. but now i'm here, i’m not going anywhere, okay? i'll always be here with you”

a tear slipped down your cheek and you let out a shaky laugh. “you say that now but what if i scare you away?”

“you won’t” he said firmly. “i’m not afraid of you or your past or your scars. i love you, all of you. even the parts you think are unlovable”

the words hit you like a tidal wave, overwhelming and freeing all at once. you leaned into him, resting your head on his shoulder. he wrapped an arm around you, holding you close as if to shield you from the world.

for the first time, you felt something you thought was impossible, peace.

yeah, maybe healing wasn’t about fixing everything. maybe it was about finding someone who loved you through the mess, someone who showed you that you were worth loving. and you knew you had found that someone in him.

#enhypen #enhypen jay #enhypen jay oneshot #enhypen oneshot #enhypen x reader #jay x reader #daddy issues

49 notes · View notes

sisterandscripture · 2 days ago

Text

Christ as a Caretaker 💞

Hi siblings!! It’s mee, Elle, your sister in Christ! 🎀

If you’re new to my blog, welcome!! I created this to help strengthen my relationship with God and hopefully help others do the same ^^

I was feeling a little down today, so I thought of posting this for a bit of comfort <333

Soooo if you’ve had a bad day…

Sit down, relax, and take comfort in Christ 🙏

📜Bible Verse of The Day

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬ ‭[NIV‬‬]

💌Something’s in your Inbox!

(im terribly sorry for the random info dump, please bear with me sharing my experience 😓)

I’m an eldest daughter, so uhm…

As you can imagine, there was definitely a lot of pressure put on me, even at a young age. I’m always expected to be independent and strong.

Even now, my sister gets most of the attention in the family and that’s okay with me, I understand why. She’s younger and needs more care than I do.

Along with the rest of my family, I take care of her too.

Sometimes though, it comes to the point when there are times that I have no one to go to for comfort, and I can’t even care for myself.

When I am burdened by something, I’d much rather keep it to myself than add to my parents’ burdens. I don’t want to become someone else’s problem just because I’m dealing with my own.

Yet, I can’t help but yearn for someone to take care of me— for someone to prioritize me, give me their undivided attention, unwavering comfort, and put me first.

Now that I’m growing up and growing more in my faith, it’s time I taught myself run to God.

Matthew 11:28 reminds us that there is someone who cares for us, someone who is willing to pay attention to our struggles and to lift our burdens.

God is our caretaker, He is the one person we can constantly go to for comfort.

Jesus Christ is the epitome of safety, warmth, and care. (I mean, the guy loved us so much that he died for us sooo…) He will always be there for us.

If you’ve been feeling a little unloved today or for quite awhile now, it’s okay :))

You don’t always have to be strong, sometimes it’s okay not to be okay. Whatever you’re feeling is valid. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to break down, it’s okay to lose sight of your path.

Leave it to God to build you back up again and bring you back on the right track.

Come to Him, and he will give you rest. Come to Him, and I promise, you’ll instantly feel much better 🥹🥹

Christ is our caretaker and our refuge— without fail, He will care for us. He will always be there for us. Whenever you feel alone, you aren’t.

God’s just waiting for you to reach out to Him. He loves you so much. Even when it feels like the whole world hates you, God is there.

Take comfort in Christ, and you won’t regret it.

And who knows? Maybe there will come a time when He’ll send someone here on earth that will care for and love you sincerely.

(hey, if you do need someone to talk to though, you can always reach out to me too— just send a message, and i can include you in my prayers or we can pray together!! but I strongly encourage you to go to God first :3)

📞God’s on the Line

I always say that prayer is a powerful thing. It’s your strongest weapon and your biggest comfort. It’s a one-way ticket to reach out to God!! ✨

Almighty God,

Thank You for being my caretaker. Thank You for constantly being there for me, and for being my best source of comfort. Thank You for allowing me to go to You when I am tired, sick, burnt out, sad, and hurt. Thank You for Your unconditional and perfect love— and the ultimate sacrifice that proves it, dying on the cross for my sins. I love You and offer all that I have to You. In my times of need, remind me to always go to You.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen!!

(you may continue this on your own, take all the time you need. let the prayer bring you comfort, let Him speak to you)

Goodbyeee my siblings!! Take care of yourselves, and remember that God takes care of you too. He loves you sooo much!! 💗

#christian blog #christian girl #christian living #christian faith #christianity #jesus #jesus loves you #bible verse #girlblogging #sisterandscripture

24 notes · View notes

beardedmrbean · 3 days ago

Note

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFVPkn37iFM

Still hurts, man.

youtube

It hurts because you know he meant every word he just said, no matter how low and abandoned and unloved I've felt at any point in my life I still had that to hang on to.

My neighbor Fred Rogers loved me and believed I had value just as I was and am, and he'd never lie to me so it had to be true.

We're blessed by the fact that we got to occupy this planet with him while he was out doing his thing and now that he's gone we're still blessed because we can still go visit the Neighborhood whenever we want or need to.

#anonymous #fred rogers

24 notes · View notes

callilouv · 2 years ago

Text

eugjghg........

#ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ idle chit chat #i love(?) belial sm #his whole character is so complex and i just!! wow.....#he blurs the lines of love and hate for me so so much #like.. i hate him so much that i kinda love him but at the same time its just not that simple?#hes just so fascinating to me hngjfng #no matter what i try to type out i cant seem to find the words to describe how i feel abt him😭#i want to love him and i CAN but hes just so........ unloveable......#the things id do to make him feel reciprocated love/devotion but at the same time hes just too deep into it that he'd self sabotage #and its not that simple either. there r so so so so many unsaid feelings and emotions when it comes to him #he is the literal emobdmiment of chaos #HE is a MESS #his mind is a mess. the way he thinks is a mess. his whole situation is a mess. quite literally everything about him is chaotic!!#craving chaos so much that chaos itself becomes a part of your very soul....#'Look into the abyss of his heart and what does one find? A feeling of insecure narcissism or is it altruistic benevolence?' THIS11)(!@*#you literally dont know what ur getting into when it comes to him . hes a surprise #hes just so untrustworthy and unpredictable that it messes with my mind #but its ok.... i still love him in a very complicate and complex way #sory i read a bunch of rlly good fics abt him and just wanted to ramble hngnfnjg #its 1am sobs and my mind is filled with him #i want to say SO SO SO SO SOOOO many more things but . but im at a loss for words tbh #i hate and love him so much at the same time

3 notes · View notes

stiffyck · 9 months ago

Text

Okay what if the winners got to meet previous versions of themselves through the life games.

Like grian meets no one. He didn't have any previous "versions".

Scott meets 3rd life Scott.

Pearl meets 3rd life and last life pearl.

Martyn meets 3rd life, last life and double life Martyn.

Scar meets 3rd life, last life, double life and lim life him-

This whole thing was an idea that I got just because I was thinking about ll and sl scar because they were both so lonely like wtf and I just though about a scene that would be so. Grips chair.

Ll: "We won?"

Sl: "Yeah"

Ll: "Did we have allies? Friends?"

Ll scar probably thinks sl scar won only because he had allies to support him. He knows what its like being lonely and he hopes no one has to go through that loneliness. And he wants to be optimistic for once that sl scar, future him, gets allies, gets friends.

He tries to hope and then he sees the look on sl scars face. Or maybe sl scar tries to lie- maybe he tries to say they had allies.

Ll scar sees right through him. He's him after all. Maybe he's always gonna he lonely anyway

#im being insane give me a momebt #also i forgot pearl wasnt jn 3rd life but its okay. she was in 3rd life to me <3 #ALSO? THE POTENTIAL OF 3RDLIFE SCAR? AND DOUBLE LIKE AND LIM LIFE SCAR?#3rd life scar is optimistic. he thinks its okay! grian is his ally in the fjture too right? he wins with grian?#no other scar wants to look him in the eye becayse they all remember the allyship they had with grian thay crumbled in ll #and that got completely destroyed in double life.#double life scar doesnt want to tell 3rd life scar and tell him grian doesnt care. he cant do that to himself.#tell his younger and more optimistic self that grian doesnt want them as his soulmates... that he would rather sneak off with skmeone else..#and lim life scar. he was excited for the future because he did have friends! he had allies jn lim life- but seeing sl scar?#seeing how they just go back to being alone again?#its soul crushing.#(inserting my aroace angst here: is he really that unlovable? is his lack of romantic love so unappealing?#does no one want him? does no one but himself love him?#does he himself even love him? can he? seeing how miserable they all are it feels hard and lonely #lim life scar probably wants to comfort them all- but isnt it sad that the only person to comfort him would be himself?#) okay im done being insane goodbye-#stiff talk #gtws

129 notes · View notes

pleasedontcareaboutme · 3 months ago

Text

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him #I always knew he was a parental figure for me #but now I connected the dots #How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life #that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so #and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life #ofc ud become attached #i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him #he occupies most of my thoughts honestly #But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life #i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an #bloom and be free #and that's what ill try to do #but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness #its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired #somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea #how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi #g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if #lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways #sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay #yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le #go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk #how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate #my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t #me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol #so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest #y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t #ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti #ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd

25 notes · View notes

zeb-z · 1 year ago

Text

missa, after his self resentment and lamenting about how he doesn’t feel worthy or like he should be accepted, after telling himself and the capybaras that he doesn’t have a home, not really - after all is said and done, he returns to phil & missa, leaving his mini mi in the house on the wall. as if he’d consider anywhere other than the house he shared with phil safe enough. seeking out safety and home brought him right back where he started.

something about how despite his internal conflicts and issues about what he thinks he deserves, he’ll still come back. and for all he worries that he is not enough to be loved in return, his name is still on the warp stone.

#he’s got issues out the ass of his self worth and it’s like. yeah shit man you haven’t been reliable but you’re not unloveable #he wants to be better and he tries and he cares the issue is he holds the rest of his family on such a pedestal #this shame and guilt bubbles up and is only made worse when he isn’t rejected or hated like he’s expecting. he’s taken back with open arms #so he follows phil for guidance as to what’s acceptable. without phil there how can he know if it’s ok for him to stay in their home?#as if he didn’t also build their home yknow #but even when all is said and done he returns. even if it makes him feel guilty even if he thinks he doesn’t deserve it #because as much as he doesn’t want to be a bother he wants to be better most of all. wants to be present #I just don’t think he ever expects to be wanted to keep around. like he wants to prove himself and he’s expecting his loved ones to reject #any sort of redemption. meanwhile they don’t see the need for a redemption in the first place #shaking missa you wet cat of a man you dense self sabatoging silly silly man #stop your hero worship. own up and show up. and let your family love you because my god you are so loved #sorry tags got away from me it’s like 5 am and I’m like ahfhhrhfhshfhhs #mcyt #qsmp #q!missa #missasinfonia #z speaks

105 notes · View notes

theofficialceoofbricole · 2 months ago

Text

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me

3 notes · View notes

vergilmayhoard · 16 days ago

Text

sometimes i hate everyone and my life and sometimes i think it would be better if i just died at this point

#except for my puppy i love him i always will #i would probably let him gnaw on and mess up my dead body anyway #but either way sometimes i feel like people dont actually care for me and that im just a stupid loser #i could never be like them i could never get as much attention and love and praise as them ever #it hurts because they get it from someone i know too and i just dont know what to do #even if me and them dont talk anymore i know its my fault but i could never talk to them again now #i just dont know whats wrong with me and what im doing wrong and i dont know why im so unlovable #i dont know why im not interesting and i dont know why i dont deserve attention am i really that needy #sorry this is impulsive and im probably going to crash out and go through an episode but i think im sick and its making everything worse #i just want to be known and i want to be somebody or something i could go on and on #im not going to do anything i think but at this point i feel like im so close to doing something for attention #i want people to tell them how much they love me and how much they worry about me i want their praise #i have my puppy for that but hes different because he understands i love him so much you dont understand #im so tired of putting in the effort when nobody has interest in me and wants to know me #im so sick and tired of being needy when i have something perfect already right in front of me i feel so guilty #because he is enough he will always be enough my puppy is always going to be enough he deserves so much better #but then i cant bear the thought of him actually going out to find better i want to spend the rest of my life with him #i want to marry him and i want to work on myself so i can feel the type of love he makes me feel consistently #i want to carve his name into my arm and carve my name into his thigh so we are bonded #i want to be with him forever and even in my death i want him to stay with me and be by me #i want to be buried with him and i would want him to dig up my grave and throw me back when im all rotted #i love him so much you dont understand i know this got off topic but i think somethings wrong with me right now

4 notes · View notes

kim-dokja-hate-blog · 2 years ago

Text

as time goes on, i understand more and more abt that time kim dokja randomly told all his friends that he wanted to live in a big house with them once the apocalypse was over. i think that was the first time he actually included himself in the dreams of their future, too convinced he’d die before getting there. he. yeah.

#this is why i can’t actually hate him yknow #bc although it’d be easier to read the novel if i did and i believe he put so many ppl through unimaginable pain he’s just. so human.#there’s something in him that longs for a world where he can just be with the people he loves #but he longs more for the people he loves to be happy #and he thinks he can’t be a part of that picture no matter what anyone says #and. idk.#i believed something like that for a while #that i wasn’t unloveable but a pain to love #that i wasn’t hated but i wasn’t liked #that i did good but only through the pain of myself #and in some sort of horrible way i can see parts of myself i don’t ever want to see in kim dokja #and. i want a house to live in with all my friends #and i want to be part of their future #i can’t even imagine myself there most of the time but by god do i want it #but. the parts of me that have to change in order to achieve that feel unchangeable #even when i know they aren’t true #orv #omniscient reader #kdj #kim dokja #orv novel #orv spoilers

119 notes · View notes

theheadlessgroom · 4 months ago

Text

@beatingheart-bride

"Oh, Philippe, you didn't have to do that!" Susannah smiled shyly, pale cheeks flushing an equally-pale pink as she took the plate from him, opting to carry it home herself. Flustered though she was that he went to such efforts for her, she was also incredibly grateful for it, and it took all of her willpower not to just dig in right then and there, instead bringing it home to enjoy.

In fact, the plate (which seemed filled to a brim when she uncovered it, a veritable feast still plenty warm from the oven) he'd given her seemed a bit paltry compared to what she'd made for him that morning, having gotten up early to make them specially for him.

"I...I made you blueberry muffins!" she proclaimed shyly as she presented the small plate of them to him with a little smile, grateful that he'd also have something to eat while she ravenously dug into the beautiful, bountiful meal he had provided her with (at any rate, it would make her feel a little less awkward, anyhow).

And dig in she did; almost as soon as she sat down, she had a fork and knife in hand and was trying her hardest not to look or sound like a hungry animal as she began to devour the flavorful chicken, potatoes, veggies, and roll (her compliments to the de Clair family chef!). She gave a hum of approval at the taste, and as she did, she hoped Philippe would enjoy the muffins too-it was a recipe her mother and father collaborated on before she was born, one she hadn't made in a long time, but was happy to bring out for him.

#((it's a very worthy gamble to take; if it means getting to be with the man she loves!))#((i defidently think that knowing philippe reciprocates will be a huge help in giving her that confidence boost))#((because it's true; by then she'll know in her heart that he feels just the same and that she won't be rejected!))#((and for someone who has felt the sting of rejection for so much of her life; who has felt unwanted and unloved))#((*knowing* that the man she's smitten with feels the same; that he wants her; that he loves her))#((that's going to be nothing short of monumental to her! she'll never know the pain of rejection again if philippe can help it!))#((again; it might be frightening to take that plunge at all; but knowing how he feels will be a big emotional cushion))#((for her to land on when it all comes out-and as we said; her just kissing him might be the way she goes about it!))#outofhatboxes #beatingheart-bride #V:Genderbent

5 notes · View notes

candyriku · 8 months ago

Text

finally getting a chance to work on chapter 15 today :-)